#although to be fair to sam. dean is actively refusing to come out

[rubyone]

top ten things to say to someone who just came out to you

every conversation between dean and sam in the deangender2 fic is just dean being like yeah ok but how do you KNOW youre a man. how would you know if you felt like a woman. and sam (nonbinary but he doesnt know what that is) spends the whole time like idk man i really think genders made up. i cant help you with this. and dean is like oh it is just like i thought. no one can ever help me with this im going to be a freak forever. and then he tells sam hes a real boy for finally cutting his hair

[writingfromkitchenator]

Is this what it feels like?

SPN Angst Bingo

@spnangstbingo ~ this was definitely an interesting one to try something different.

Square filled: Organ Transplant

No pairings.

Warnings:  Reader death; talks of bad injuries and pain.

Words: 1648

Feedback is greatly appreciated.

You thought that falling would be the worst thing that you’d ever experience.  

You’d been a quiet angel, simply doing the tasks assigned, so you weren’t really sure about having to survive on Earth, weren’t sure how you were meant to deal with the pain of your wings, but you did count yourself lucky that you had found a vessel so easily.

With falling becoming an odd memory and being free from commands for the first time in your existence, you weren’t really sure what to do with yourself and so you wandered a little lost, just taking in the world as best you could.

But then, you started experiencing odd feelings within your vessel. You knew it wasn’t from the soul itself, but something else, something with the body but there was nothing you could sense that would be causing something within the body and you didn’t know enough about being on Earth to feel comfortable enough with asking someone.

It seemed too soon to you that angels began hunting angels, some of them wanting to return to Heaven and not letting any other angel to tell them otherwise.

You were no fighter, but you knew how to survive and you managed to avoid the conflict for so long, not wanting to go back to what you were, that you thought that you had managed to avoid.

Then, some of your brothers and sisters had found you, demanded that you return with them to help restore the order of things, but you refused and then you had to fight for your life.

It hadn’t gone well, ending up severely hurt, one angel fleeing, the others lying dead on the ground.

Breathing hard, you called on your grace to heal you, only to find it stuttering, only trickling through, and the strange pain that you had felt earlier burned through you tenfold.

Buckling over in pain, you whimpered, it being unlike anything you had experienced before, your vision swimming for a moment before you were left collapsed on the ground, fighting against a darkening vision, something that shouldn’t be happening to an angel.

It took you a few hours, letting your grace trickle through to heal the worst of it over, slowly getting yourself back on your feet.

You felt like being sick, something you weren’t sure about, but forced it down and started moving.

The more the days went on, the worse you were starting to feel.

You needed to find help.

It had been several weeks since the prayer went out from Dean Winchester, something you’d ignored, having not wanting to be involved, but now you knew that they may be the only ones that could help.

“Castiel…”  Your voice was weak when you just happened across Castiel one day, who was clearly cautious.  “Please…”

Castiel had grabbed as you collapsed, looking you over.  “Y/N…you are dying?”

“I don’t know what’s happening.”  You whimpered.  “The vessel feels fine but…I can’ use my grace, it’s like there is a block there, stopping me…”

Castiel’s expression is grim.  “I’m…I’m not in the best condition to help myself Y/N, but let’s get you somewhere safe, where the others won’t find you.”

He helped you to some sort of bunker, Sam and Dean clearly weary of you, even with Castiel’s assurances, but they let you stay nonetheless.

It was nice to feel safe even if it wasn’t overly helping whatever condition you had, you were just relieved that you didn’t have to run any more.

“I wonder if this is what dying feels like.”  You mused quietly one day.

“You are not dying Y/N,” Castiel said softly.  “It’s not possible, there’s no way your vessel can just be shutting down for no reason.”

“There haven’t been any other answers.”

“Then we will keep looking.”

You were comfortable though, like Castiel had been a warrior, you were a researcher, helping the three of them by simply spending hours reading, no matter how your body felt, your mind was just as active.  Sam and Dean were more than grateful for your help, getting them through several cases, which made them want to help you more.

In the comfort came a sense of peace, one that you weren’t familiar with until you raised it with Castiel one day.

You were surprised when he gave a sad smile.  “It feels like home, or what home should have been.”

“Home.”  You mulled over the word, over your memories of what things had been like in Heaven before it all went wrong.  “I suppose…it is.”

The three of them knew that you were getting bad when you started to sleep, so exhausted that you had to shut yourself down for a while.

“Y/N, we need to find you a new vessel.”  Castiel said to you one day.

You looked at him.  “Why?”

He frowns.  “Because clearly this one isn’t suitable any more, something in it is rejecting you.”

You shook your head.  “I’m…I’m not sure if it would be something that I could survive, not now, my grace is all but gone.”

Castiel sits next to you as Sam and Dean look surprised.  “Why wouldn’t you mention this earlier?”

“I didn’t want you to worry more than you already were.”

“Y/N…” Castiel sighs. “We’ve lost too many of us.  We are doing everything we can to help you but you need to tell us everything.”

“It won’t change the situation,” You said quietly.  “It won’t change what is happening to me and the vessel, as it is, I haven’t heard their voice in some time.”

Castiel frowns.  “That is not a good sign.”

“No,” You agreed.  “No it’s not.”

He looks at you, really looks at you.  “You’ve given up?”

“I’ve accepted my fate.” You said quietly.  “Whatever is wrong, is clearly meant to be.”

An odd silence fell in the room, Dean being the first to break it.

“You’re not going to like it,” He said slowly.  “But there may be something we can try.”

 “You want me to what?”

“Come on Crowley, we just need to know what’s going on.”  Dean said firmly, glancing at you, who was now unable to move from a chair without some sort of support.

Crowley looks at him annoyed.  “And what do I get out of it?  I think I’ve been in enough angel’s heads recently to last me a life time.”

“We’re not asking you to get into their head, just to find out what’s going wrong with the vessel.” Dean said.  “And I would think that you could use all the ally’s you could get at this point.”

Crowley tuts, looking over at you.  “And you’ve agreed to this?”

You shrug.  “I am not fussed either way.”

“That’s…not the response I was expecting.”

“Don’t answer like that.” Sam grumbled under his breath.  “Do you have any idea what you sound like?”

“I sound like someone who has accepted their fate,” You said calmly.  “I am sorry that is displeases you but it is the reality of my situation.” You let out a low hiss of pain, something you’d been hiding as the days were going on, feeling like your stomach was being slowly ripped open, your grace no longer able to control the pain.

Dean looks at Crowley desperately.  “Please.”

With a huff, Crowley smoked out and into you and the three of them waited with bated breath, which only lasted a few minutes before he was returning, his expression grim.

“I have to say love, you must be the unluckiest angel in the world.”  Crowley said slowly.  “It’s certainly not something I was expecting to ever be able to happen, let alone have happened.”

“What is it Crowley?” Castiel asked, a hand gripping your shoulder, noting the pale look overcoming you.

Crowley let’s out a slow breath.  “Her vessel has had an organ transplant, for whatever reason a piece of that person’s soul has remained attached to that, which means-”

“It didn’t say yes.” Castiel sighed making Crowley nod. “Which explains why your powers stopped.”

“By why would it be killing you?”  Dean asked. “Surely you could’ve just powered it out?”

“Souls are complicated Dean,” Castiel said.  “And if it’s such a small piece…”

“It doesn’t have the strength to eject a celestial being from the body, but it does have the strength to affect other things, such as your grace.”  Crowley licked his lips.  “For what it’s worth, I am sorry.  I can’t image how painful it must be for you.”

“There’s got to be something that we can do!”  Dean said. “We can’t just them die!”

Crowley hesitates, but you answer for him.  “I am not strong enough to find another vessel Dean, as it was, I was lucky enough to find this one.”  You give a soft smile as they all look grim.  “I am not afraid, I promise, all I ask, once I go, is that you get them to a hospital, give them a chance to live out their days.”

“They may not survive you leaving.”  Castiel said. “They may-”

“I know, but it is only fair.”  You look amongst them.  “You need to let me go.”

“We have lost so many angels.”

“Then one more won’t make a difference.”

The air sat heavy, Sam eventually clearing his throat.  “Alright Y/N, but we need-need to do something for you.  Take you somewhere nice.”

There was only one location that you wanted to go, a singular spot that you had found on your time here on Earth that spoke to you more than anywhere else, reminding you of how beautiful your Father’s creation was.

It was here that the four of them took you, although you were sure that Crowley was more curious than anything else, and waited until the last amounts of pain took you, destroying the last of your grace and allowing you to slip away peacefully into darkness.