#amithegrinch

[kazenokuri]

PS4 Controller. Why tf?!

Maybe I'm not alone. Maybe my hands aren't ludicrously weird shaped. Indeed, they're big. Long, thin fingers. But hey, never ever someone had seen them and told me "wtf are you? The grinch?!" So... why is it whenever I play PS4 and it's getting frantic at the RS (Overwatch...) my aiming thumb pushes the stick to the left and mythically pushes a thin layer of compressed air downwards to that amazingly wrong placed and way over the top sensitive homebutton, which catapults my ass right out of the game and into the Homemenu. Why? Why does that stupid button has to sit there? Why not at a place you surely never hit unless you want to, like next to the USB charge port? Or why has it to be a button? Couldn't it have been a sliding switch?

Please tell me I'm not alone, I beg you, please.

[bipolarchristianwidow]

Sorry for the long post but I wanted to share what I posted to my wall here. My husband passed away January 6, 2014 so this time of year is hard for me. I get terrible SAD on top of my mixed mania every year at this time when I relive this trauma.

This is one of my many memories that popped up on Facebook today... So reposted it with this message:

I'm not going to lie... This time of year is hard for me and has been for the last five. I no longer "celebrate" the New Year. I no longer dare ask what this New Year might bring. It is not for lack of trying, it just doesn't seem to work out well for me.

Instead, I'm reminded that I still have no one to kiss when the ball drops; so I just stopped watching it. My teens are now young adults and old enough to 'party' so they aren't home anymore, and the only reason I wait up until after midnight is to ensure my kids come home safe to me because my anxiety tells me that they too... could 'die'. I took down my tree last night to occupy my time and distract myself but most importantly to ensure that it doesn't stay up until March this year. #YepThatHappened

I drink nearly every night of the year EXCEPT on New Years when people typically drink to celebrate... Last night at 11:59pm I looked at the clock just in time to shout to my 10 year old "Kirra, GUESS WHAT TIME IT IS!" Luckily, she ran out of her room just in time to hug me as we watched the clock on my phone switch from 11:59PM to 12:00. #AntiClimactic Sometimes I feel like a holiday failure as a mother. I am unable to offer Christmas milk and cookies for Santa and show absolutely no excitement around the holiday shopping... There is not a glee to be found for the Roast Beast. #AmITheGrinch?

I popped a bottle of champaign 'in the spirit' of 'celebration' for my daughters sake and to give us something to talk about... But I didn't feel very festive so I didn't drink it. Instead, we sat up until 2:00 am waiting for her sisters to come home and I tried not to cry #ICried. And then... I tried to sleep between short bursts of neighborhood fireworks. By the time the girls strolled in around 3:30am, well you can fill in the blank there.

I'm so blessed that God moved me from Pflugerville to this neighborhood. It is far more respectful of boundaries and everyone ceased most of the superfluous firework letting by 2:30am. It is a safer environment for my kids... And Kirra is getting a far superior education. If not for that, this time of year while being unemployed and battling often crippling depression associated with bipolar might have already killed me. #NightmareOnDansworthStreet that will be in my blog, and my book! 😂

I think it is fair that often ask myself, and God --- why? Why did You choose me, there are so many far better qualified people on this earth who could share Your worth, Your Word and their story, why me? Why was this the narrative you chose for my life? Why is MY testimony SO damned important? Sometimes, I feel like... It just isn't fair. #BeenKickedAlotWhenImDown but... I get back up again, smile and say "The sun will come out tomorrow" 😉

Although, If I had just one request particularly this time of year I'd ask that you always remember:

Widows and widowers never forget, and often, if they're like me they stay single. My relationship status was not my choice. My current circumstance is both by choice but also (so far) unavoidable. A #BipolarChristianWidow is hard to love, hard to date, and near impossible for a company to fathom employing. I have limited options for all of that. I rely on God to lead me, comfort me and care for my needs but every once in awhile it would just be nice if the people we love would remember that we never forget. It doesn't ever stop impacting every aspect of our DAILY life. Sometimes the smallest gesture, a good hug or well intentioned invite makes all the difference in the world!

We may not accept the invite or hug you tight for fear of breaking down and crying but the gesture... can make the difference in helping the sun come out tomorrow for us. 😊

#LifeIsWhatYouMakeIt Be blessed my friends, and Happy New Year!