#and I have a job now so im hoping to keep it and just. work towards that
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wips, will delete when i feel like it
#just a glimpse into some of my real fully colored art :3#since i realised i havent posted anything more than sketches#plus a little zelda doodle from my work sketchbook!! i work an office job so i keep a small notebook as a sketchbook in between calls/emails#the first is donospring are there even any donospring fans yet. have we all lost to skuttlespring. please no god#the last is sig figs art gorgug is also there but his face is not good enough for me to post yet#im working on like ten different wips at a time but im super busy with moving across the country right now + work so it might take a while#anyways hope u guys enjoy i love drawing i love dimension 20 i love fantasy high i want to talk to more people about it#dimension 20#fantasy high#d20#fhjy#fig faeth#figueroth faeth#gorgug thistlespring#zelda donovan#donospring#mine#do u guys think my fig kinda looks like emily axford or am i crazy
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also while we're here i would like to share the two iterations of tumblr user gorespawn that have existed since i abandoned this blog back in like early 2021. Who wants me
#i grew my hair out so i could twirl my hair while giggling about bald men#and also t.o.p of bigbang#and short men i see at the grocery store who honestly make me feel light-headed with raw and unbridled Want#but that's just a joke. i am. Lesbian#''no ur not'' I AM#anyway i used to be so ripped and hunky but now i am frail and sickly#what getting a job can do to a mf#thankfully i quit my job last week YIPPIIIEEEEEEE so now i will work towards becoming an absolute hunk again#wish me luck#ALSO#if anyone is obsessed with me and remembers all my lore i used to be transgender and i still am like lowkey on the down low#but in a new exciting way#anyway i used to be a gay man and then a stone butch dyke (as seen above) but now im practicing being a girl#it is very difficult but it is also fun. ive never been a girl before so it's a lot#anyway i bought two super cool sexy dresses yesterday for the first time ever in my life#sexy dresses meaning up to my neck and down to my feet and past my elbows. kind of like a wardrobe straight out of the handmaid's tale#from (to quote my friend) ''*The* old lady store'' thanks man. well i think theyre pretty and its v exciting bc ive never been a girl befor#anyway#who wants me#i still use the name emil online btw and i honestly always will i think it's just so me and also i do still answer to he/him dw#in a man way not in a he/him lesbian way#''he's LGBTQA+'' what. all at once?#yes.#i have mastered them all i have collected all the genders and all the sexualities and ive never been ''wrong''#it just keeps switching. which is fine. well im a girl now. in a detransitioning man way. who is insanely attracted to men#but you will have to tear this lesbian label out of my cold dead hands#''you can't call urself lesbian if u have sex w men'' well first of all fuck you and second of all i am celibate so you dont need to worry#''what the hell are you talking about'' nothing. now look how hot i am#im just joking around i hope that's fine w y'all
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lately i've been finding it so so hard to be positive and hopeful. and it's making me so bitter and hateful. i hate it but i dont know what to do about it
#idk it's just all too much to deal w#i have sm pains and physical discomforts. money issues. stress bc my avpd is making school very hard for me to finish#i have suicidal thoughts and really bad anxiety every single day. i've basically begged the mental health care system for help for 7 months#like i've kept contacting them and asking them but they havent done anything at all for me. i dont even get to see anyone and talk#i just dont know what to do or how to handle it#im so stressed abt the future. i have to finish school but then choose smth so i can go to school/get a degree & get a job#im holding my mom down and back and i need to find a way to kove out from her and support myself#i have no friends to meet or hangout with and destress with etc etc and im really feeling the lack of it#idk the list just goes on and on and on#nothing is working and idk how to fix it. but also i know that me and only me have to find a way bc there is no help#i struggle bc of my avpd and mental health but there is no treatment for me to get. they just dont wanna give me *any* help at all#im just so frustrated. and every day is the same. everyday is full of some physical pain anxiety stress worries suicidal thoughts etc etc#i cant break free idk how!!!! my life is so fkn boring and pathetic and miserable#i never get to relax bc all of a sudden last year i got extremely noise sensitive. and it's never quiet anywhere in this city#anyway yeah i could just keep going. and like now im feeling anxious bc my tooth is aching :((#it -everything- never stops or lets up or relents. and it makes me wanna die even more.#so... idk im just incapable of being hopeful abt anything and that's really killing me idk
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hi everyone I miss you 🥺
#work has been so fucking overwhelming lately :((( had to report this Incident to HR now im waiting for them to talk to me#and im thinking something more serious might happen to the guy i made the report about cause he has other complaints#that are all quite serious#and i keep feeling really guilty cause i think it might lead to him getting fired but also#bro said multiple slurs AT WORK and then defended why he should be allowed to say them and he 'does it all the time' outside of work#so yeah fuck you dude. hope you get fucking fired.#i just hate that i had to be the one to say something cause now im like well. hes gonna know it was me. cause it happened twice#and the first time i was the only other person in the room other than his gf and obviously she doesnt care so she wouldnt say shit#and he has way more friends there than me so if he DOES get fired i have a feeling theyd all find out#which almost made me not say anything cause i really fucking like my job and i dont want it to become a hostile environment#but like ? bro defended himself for like 15 whole minutes about how much he doesnt give a fuck#so guess what dude ! i dont give a fuck either !#im hoping next week this gets resolved and i can be less stressed and come on here a bit more i miss looking at Images :(((#been missing all my friends' gifs and edits !!!! need to be more chronically online !!!! STAT !#i will catch up on my tag soon i prommy <33333333333#j.txt
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literally can I just lay down in a hole and fall asleep until I return to the earth as mulch
#i've genuinely liked my job up to this point#but they fucking promoted me and now it's really stressful#i just want to do basic data entry or something i dont want to manage people!!!#i dont want to be responsible for anyone except me!#im hoping it will get easier bc i dont want to get cold feet and just leave again#ive done that too many times and i hate job hunting#but im at panic attack levels of workplace stress rn??? i keep making stupid simple mistakes that i have to clean up and it sucks so much#google how to work at stanley parable button pushing company
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series i’m gatekeeping from my family vs series i’m ✨ok✨ with my family knowing i’m into:
#‘why do you gatekeep hw from your irls?’ well. the thing is. i just ✨don’t want to✨#and. like. i’ve already led my family to believe that i bought bl manga when i was buying idol sengen at animate#so i think im already past the point of no return in that regard. so. um. yeah.#thank you village vanguard for the unexpected μ’s content in 2k24 you truly are yappa saikyou#i s w e a r falling back into my ll phase almost 10 whole years after i first got into it is unexpected tbh#compounded with the fact that i can now actually afford whatever im looking for. so. like. my wallet is in crisis lol#i had just reached my savings goal last month but now i’ve overspent bc i saw great deals on resold honoka-chan hoodies and i couldn’t help—#so now i have 2 identical hoodies lol. but i’ll keep one of them safe in its packaging bc im unwell like that ig#my merch whaling is out of control i s w e a r but my oshis are just too cute aaaaaaaaa#i probably should open another savings account instead… maybe that’d keep my spending under control…#b u t for now honoka-chan jersey im looking for you#tfw ur oshi is decently unpopular amongst the fans so hardly anyone resells her merch lmao#so ig the relatively fewer fellow fans she has are more dedicated to her than fans of other more popular characters lol#but at least her stuff (when resold) isn’t as overpriced as the actually popular members (birb and tomato)#so my wallet isn’t crying as hard as it could’ve been? ig? hunting for almost 10 year old merch is a pain fr though#either way. the grip idol series have on my wallet is truly insane#i wonder how many bags of chips i could’ve bought with the amount i’ve spent on hw and ll merch to date…#at least a thousand… i think. maybe even 2 thousand if my past gacha game whaling is taken into consideration…#…this is probably why it’s important to have a decent paying job ig.#oh well. at least i may be making b a n k this month with how much ot i’ve had to do this week so far…#i hope i won’t have to work till 5am again over the next 2 days… that had been a horrible experience.#help what am i even talking about anymore why am i having a life crisis right here and now u m.#anyways. dni if you dislike honoka-chan. thanks for coming to my crisis rant. see you when the last stage mv drops ig ok byeeeee
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bedtime nowww probably ummm today qas not what i wanted it 2 be but its fine. i dont feel negative just a very very very numb day which is almost worse. but only almost 🙏
#i did get thr laundry done didnt fold it didnt take a shower#so thatll hopefuly be tmrw#i hope im able to do an activity with somebody tmrw.... the kids will be back at school so umm. no risk of weeman asking for my laptop in#the morning. or maybe me n lamp could play aa... idk#i feel like such a loser i go 1 day without bothering my family and im like wahhh im lonely. Can you shut up ..... we r better than this.#but wtvr. thats also a mean thought and i shouldnt be idolizing the way i lived last year. We were taking spongebaths and eating#1 bowl of soup a day crying ourselves to sleep every night and literally going weeks on end wo talking to our loved ones. so why am i like#We need to go back ! well i know why its bc i cant just let myself heal and move on bc of my stupid complex#and tbf i was very efficient back then. i ws able to do my spongebaths at least every 3 days and i did my laundry every week right on#schedule and i had a job....all it took was literally not being a person in any meaningful way FJFNGJGN. idk#it was very simple. its still very simple perhaps simpler (#no job) but instead i just feel guilty i guess. sbt everything#which i ws doing last year but again i was too out of it to rly dwell. i just cried at work a lot abt it#but now its like. i dont have a job to go to to focus on. my interests/hobbies can only distract me for a few days maximum b4 they become#nothing 2 me. and then im just back in limbo again and it feels pointless#and even when its a 'good' phase of something actually keeping me distracted from everything its like. not. all it does is ruin my sleep#schedule again yk. ik im literally the timeloop guy so u think id loveee Everyday being exactly the same over and over and over but well i#dont. bc they arent actually the same day theyre just reminders that everything does keep fucking going but im stuck. which is the opposite#of what i want. and what id have if the beautiful timeloop would simply rescue me. wtvr tho.... she doesnt even know i exist 😥#little joke. IDK. like i said its better ig than having a truly miserable day but. man. i wish everything was better#i ws gonna say like it used to be but. yk. ive been depressed since i was like 7 its not like. idk. i wish i was born different and i wish#my head worked and i wish none of it had evrr happened. but itis ok. i cant think of a funny cutesy alternative to put here so we will just#say nothing. yay
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ok i am actually so very angry and there's literally nothing i can do to fix it. life keeps going on. she might even be happy. and fuck dude, i'll make sure im happy too, i was a fully developed person before she was in my life and i'll continue to be one without her. but God Damn, the fact that she can just do something so blatantly awful and unfair to me and then run off without any actual repercussions is just so fucking rankling to me.
like perhaps she feels guilty. she said she did when it was all going down. but it was just something she "needed to do". so obviously she didn't feel guilty enough or she wouldnt have done it like that lmaoooo
i really did deserve to have a good solid yell at her. but unfortunately, by the time i did see her in person i just wanted her out of my fucking life. so. no yelling was done, unfortunately.
#speculation nation#the duality of being a deeply resentful and angry person. and being a person that Tries to be mature and peaceful.#like im not gonna actually Do shit even tho i keep wanting to message her just to yell at her some more again#it's like there's a beast in me that keeps yelling for retribution. she wronged me in such a disrespectful and humiliating way#and yet she just gets to walk away like it was nothing? live her life like it was nothing?#be in 'love' with her new 'soulmate' after cutting me off like a rotten limb?#i feel so DEEPLY angry. i want to spit vitriol and fire. i want to dig my claws into her bones. make her really FEEL how i feel.#i want to wander into her dreams and make her experience what i felt. every miserable second of silence.#the humiliation of admitting you might be falling in love only to be told you were never loved at all.#and i want to knee her in the gut and spit in her face and really make her regret ever fucking wronging me#but unfortunately im a stupid fucking pacifist so all the aggression and anger and violence has no FUCKING outlet#ive been. trying to not think about it too much. ive been trying to just live my life. because i dont want her to run my life.#but the anger keeps catching up to me. filtering in when i dont expect it. endless constant fucking thoughts coming back to me#on and on and on and on i live and i eat and i read and i game and i hate and i hate and i hate and i hate and i hate and i HATE AND I HATE#the greatest injustice is that i cannot make her truly feel every single ounce of my resentment and anger#it's so overwhelming i think i could choke on it. and she gets to live her FUCKING happy little life with her stupid fucking 'soulmate'#i hope it collapses around her and she loses her too so she's single and alone and miserable and regretting all of her fucking impulsivenes#she deserves to have it fail after what she did to me. and all i can really do is hope that karma has its fucking kiss for her.#if only curses were real. what i wouldnt give to put some energy into that karmic payback lmfao.#ok . ok ok ok ok love and peace on planet earth. i am shifting out of vitriolic little shit mode.#just had to let some of the steam out. im still angry but i am going to go back to not thinking about it.#i think i should go on a nice long bike ride tomorrow. to decompress and work some of the steam out.#it's something that she can never take from me. something that is so wholly mine. fuck that stupid bitch and fuck her new girlfriend too#...............................ok NOW im shifting out of vitriolic mode. lol#negative/#WAHOOOOOO i am certainly not taking this breakup well. but i dont think anyone would be lmfao.#all things considered i think im doing a pretty great job at handling this breakup.#bc at least im only recounting unrealistic threats and fantasies on my tumblr dot com instead of messaging Any of this to her.#i may kinda want her to read it so that she knows anyways. but i wont message her directly. bc i am Trying to be at least a little mature.#complaining on my tumblr dot com so i dont message my ex with more vitriol. gotta cope Somehow.
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wish i could just. work at a bookstore
#all of the bookstores around here are owned by indigo and they dont take resumes. you have to apply online#and you can only apply for specific positions in specific locations when those positions open#and they are Never open. ive been checking back nearly every day for almost four months now#and it kills me bc i KNOW i would be good at it and i wouldnt mind doing it it might even be nice#like. yes its still min wage and yes its still customer service/retail at its core but at least its smth i fucking like#id be great at giving book recommendations. i like organizing shelves well enough#i practically know the layout of the store like the back of my hand already considering i go there so often and have my whole life#just please let me do smth i care abt even a little bit. please#working at the grocery store is Fine. its objectively fine#i dont enjoy it but everyone is really nice and i know what im doing#but i dont want to do this forever. i dont even want to be doing it now#a man came in the other day talking abt how i could be the manager someday if i keep at it and i genuinely dread that future#i do not want to get stuck here. i cannot get stuck here forever#levi.txt#i got told my whole life that if i just went to university got ok grades and did Any degree id get a decent job and start my life#and i did it! and now im working the exact same job i had before i had any experience or a degree#and im having to consider starting over and getting another fucking degree in the HOPES itll help at all#i keep having to downgrade any hope i have for the future over and over and it is insanely fucking demoralizing#the least i can want rn is a job at a fucking bookstore
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🍪🥛
#out of sight out of mind....#im not gonna check his blogs every day from here on out#and i hid/archived our chat so i dont have to see it when i open the messaging app#i do have some kind of 'fomo' lol bc i dont wanna miss out on any potential glimpse into his mind or days#esp now when he doesnt tell me anything anymore. idk anything abt what goes on with him#but .. i am allowing and letting him control my life#i obsessively check my phone and refresh his blogs ALL day#it's extremely unhealthy and pathetic and i know this#it's just hard to stop bc i genuinely... love him sm#plus he told me he wanted me for real so he made me not only dream of a life i thought wasnt possible for me#but also WANT it. i only want him and to live with him and be his. that's all i want but he just cut me off out of nowhere lol#and im still hung up on it... i dont want my boring reality. current nor future. i just want the reality where im with him which he made me#think was smth i could have one day soon.#but anyway. if his feelings changed that's how it is. it's not even his fault it's just how things work in life#even if i dont want to accept it i have to. i cant keep living in this limbo. i try to talk to him but he's a wall so that's a No.#so i cant let him control my life and waste away all my days on him#i need to stop checking his blogs and our chat. that's the first step#im still gonna allow myself to think of him and daydream and fantasize. but that will have to stop soon too#then i have to focus on doing my assignments and read books and go to the gym#things that will help me get realistically where i want in my current reality#i want to finish highschool and then apply for a preschool or library program#and hopefully the plan is to get a student housing apartment so i can move out finally and live on my own and study#then when i finish i'll look for a job as either of those things. and a place to live (which is super fkn hard in these modern chaos times)#even if i have to live my life all alone... i want to be as comfortable as i can at least#i can live in my own row house and have pets and work and read and play games and watch shows#and see and talk to my mom#i mean hopefullyyyy i'll be able to try to make at least some shallow connections so i have ppl to hang out with#i can always hope to meet someone who'll fall in love with me but im not counting on it#ugh.. bc as it is now#i dont do ANYTHING but be on my phone
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i love doing research i wish i could get paid for it but its also just fun
#i might have a perspective of doing research in the future but we‘ll see#im not trying to be too hopeful because my past plans crashed and burned every fucking time#and honestly im just grateful to have this job#i just hope it will keep working out because my contract is only for two years for now#and i would be crushed if i had to quit or was not taken over#but my supervisor said they might even support me to do my masters so there is a glimmer of hope#i just cant handle another disappointment and being down in the dumps financially#personal
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🥴🥴🥴
#i love living in a miserable awful world#you will see every awful thing going on#you will read about how things are only getting worse#you will be subjected to misery even when you are offline just because that's the world thats been created for us#why go to college? so i can be in constant debt and get rejected from every job?#why get a job? so i can be dehumanized on the daily and forced to work for the rest of my life?#its not like it matters. i will never be able to afford a house nor function like a normal human being#there will be no joy or hope. and what kind of life is that#if it is one at all?#there is no community for me in the real world i can already barely even talk to people on the Internet#i only have online friends#my only skills and talents are those that would be hell to monetize and suck all the fun out#i mean. i cant ever have a family either.#i despise school#all that keeps me going is cowardice and the price tag thats now attached to my life#on the bright side at least i could do it once i earn about 7k#on the other hand i dont want to#i want to keep going#i dont know why anymore#im lazy man i dont have any motivations or passions all i ever want to fucking do is draw and play video games#i dont want a job dont want to go to college cant make friends and cant have a family or happy life so#really whats left for me?
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still cant decide whether i should just fail my eng class or not ://
#personally i dont care#i can fail it it doesnt matter to me#buuuut... im trying to figure out if i can get away w it..#or if it'll create issues for me#maybe i can fail it nd not say anything#nd only tell her if she brings it up and then i can explain it away#nd then i can fail it and put it out of my mind#and just keep going w my two classes for now#im thinking until the end of summer#then my hopes are to apply for a loan nd finish up my classes on distance#(but i will do it in class if they remove distance classes which they say they will)#and then apply for a program and get an education then a job#i thiiink thats possible#but yeah im mostly worried that if i fail#the school will suspend me from my other classes and my social worker will say that i cant be approved for wellfare skskks#but if that doesnt happen then idc!!! nd im ok w failing this class...#im just worried bc i gotta sit nd ruminate nd see if i can connect all the dots nd figure it out#idk if it can work....#ughhh sighhhh maybe i can make it work like that#then i dont have to be so fkn stressed rn
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im about to have such a potent opportunity to disappear into the woods forever it itches
#i wonder how long it would take anyone to figure it out lol#youre welcome future coldcase vloggers#but for the record if i do mysteriously vanish no its not because of my job#must be said because thats the easiest explanation people come up with yeah it would be convenient right#if i could just get a new job and suddenly everything in my life will be fixed and all of the other blatant issues clearly coming from other#sources will cease to exist#also therapy and meds will do the same thing. i might as well walk up to a stranger and ask them to snap their fingers and cure me#just as long as the hand i turn to for help points in another direction technically im being ‘helped’ right#life is just a fight and you have to keep fighting for yourself and others and hope one day someone is going to fight for you#and when people dont fight for you when you need them to it becomes clear that you dont even need to fight. it would be easier to lose#you already upset them by not fighting for yourself and instead of fighting for you now theyre fighting againt you. do you really want to#fight harder. do you really want to fight people you love. no one wants that#ive been so emotionally destroyed these past years and idk if i will ever recover or find worth in myself again#and if i got a new job tomorrow at the most comfortable high paying company in the world with a one day work week and unlimited pto#i would still feel worthless because of the experiences ive had and the way everyobe has brushed over them as if i cant feel emotion#i have been carrying so much hurt#now im going home to say goodbye to the remains of a stranger who wouldve disowned me had we ever spoken on even ground#but sure i will enjoy my trip
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ohughghhh Dread over the Unknown is really hitting heavy tonight-
#Vent#venting in tags#starting now lol:#but oguhghhh#I feel like I am just wasting time#I have two majors Neither of which I really wonna do anything with#I hardly am involved in anything at school so my resume probably looks like shit#I need to get on that...#but between school and work im far to drained for extracurricular ...#the fact that im even employed is a miracle#but I feel like all my peers are out there doing internships and labs and other cool stuff and I'm Just Stuck ...#everyone already has friends and connections but im too anxious to even speak up in class let alone talk to peers#what's it like to not have social anxiety guys#is it nice?#I feel like I just keep wasting opportunities and time and that sucks#like once school is over ig I still have my job but I have no hope in either fields related to my major#and ig im just scared#blegh
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me when i realize that pretty much everything in my life has actually only gotten worse since i graduated highschool, and all the times i was told things would get better were absolutely false !!!!!!
#i am going fucking insane. this is so stupid#i had a social life. i had friends. i had a job i could keep up with outside of school. i had a solid routine and schedule.#i had insurance. i didnt have to worry about money. i didnt have to buy groceries. i didnt have to cook every day.#i had enjoyable group activities. i had ppl telling me i was doing a good job. i had AUTHORITY FIGURES telling me i was doing a good job!!!!#i had a place to go to be away from home every weekday!! i had hope for the future still to some extent (not a lot but more than i do now)!#I DONT HAVE ANYYYY OF THAT NOW. I do have friends but not in-person!!! zero social life except hospital out-patient bullshit!!!#anyways the highschool is doing one of my fav musicals that i came THIS CLOSE to doing my grad year#but the vote was indecisive so they did some bullshit that nobody was happy with lmfao#i fucking petitioned hard. lobbied HARD. to get us to do that musical. i worked so hard to get everyone on board#but everyone was just waffling about it. and then we ended up w smth that nobody was happy with#AND NOW THIS YEAR. THEYRE DOING THAT FUCKING MUSICAL. THAT HURTS. LIKE A LOT. A LOT A LOT.#like to the point where i have now genuinely cried after hearing that theyre doing it#that was my one fucking chance in highschool to be part of a musical i actually cared about and enjoyed and i lost it#i had watched my brothers be in these fun musicals when they were in school but for my three years I got NOTHINGGG#it hurts so fucking bad. i had been looking forward to that ever since we moved to this town. and then i got fucking nothing.#and now that im out of there and realizing how my life is absolutely fucked and i have to kill myself then they finally do it.#gallons of salt in the big fat gaping wound. insane.#genuinely feeling kind of shocked. how the hell do things line up so perfectly to hurt me this badly so often fjfkfl#maybe im just fucking pathetic and overly emotional idk victim complex or smth awful#i just kind of want to be done like right now. but i have to wait at least a month before i call it quits so i dont wreck this time of year#for my family for the rest of their lives lmfao#my siblings and dad dont deserve that. my mother probably does but whatever#im tired!!! im fucking exhausted!!! this sucks so incredibly badly!!!#suicide tw
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