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#and I mean I think I’ve said this before but I do think part of the movie PR is leaning into some of the drama - not disputing that
lizzieolseniskinda · 3 days
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TOM RIDDLE - soulmates don’t exist PT. 3
part one | two | three - x FEM!reader (POC!friendly)
(requests open)
SUMMARY: everything changes for you when snape gives you a certain memory. will you be able to do the task that dumbledore has given you?
WORD COUNT: 4677
GENRE: angst-ish (but not really)
CONTENT WARNING: soulmate (soulbound) & time travel au, english is not my first language, i took names of professor in harry's time (it's easier that way)
PROOFREAD - (24 SEP. 2024)
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You were walking through the Hogwarts courtyard, bundled up in your robes as the wind carried a hint of the colder months that were coming. The sun filtered through the canopy of orange and red; it was a cold day without the sun. As you approached the Gryffindor common room after breakfast, you spotted Lucas—tall, with his messy black curls and easygoing grin—leaning casually against the wall.
“There you are!” he called out, pushing off the wall and strolling over to you. “I’ve been looking for you. Fancy coming with me to Hogsmeade? I’ve got some things to pick up, and I thought you could use a break from all the studying.”
You raised an eyebrow, interested. “And by ‘things,’ you mean what exactly?”
“Important stuff!” Lucas replied with mock seriousness. “Like sweets from Honeydukes and a new quill, since I keep losing mine. And, of course, we have to stop at Zonko’s - can’t leave without some supplies for our next prank on Maeve.”
You let out a laugh, feeling the tension of the past few years slip away. You figured you could use a shopping day - it was a Saturday after all; you could just study after. “Sounds like a plan, though I’m not sure if Maeve would be happy with another one of your ‘masterpieces’.”
“She’ll survive. Besides, I’ve got a new idea that’ll totally blow her mind; just wait and see,” Lucas nudged you playfully.
As you made your way down the long, winding path to Hogsmeade, a sleek black cat caught your eye. It seemed to be lingering just out of reach; you’d seen the cat a few times today, always trailing a few paces behind, watching you with its bright, curious green eyes. It had followed you from the common room to the courtyard, through the grounds, and now it was walking behind you and Lucas as though it belonged with the two of you.
“Look at that,” you murmured, glancing over your shoulder at the cat. “It’s been following me this entire day.”
Lucas turned around, narrowing his eyes slightly at the feline. “Huh, that’s a little weird, don’t you think? Cats don’t usually follow people around for no reason.”
You crouched down and extended a hand toward the cat. To your surprise, it didn’t hesitate. The cat padded forward and nuzzled your palm; its fluffy and soft fur was warm, despite the chill in the air. You smiled, scratching it behind the ears.
“I think it likes me,” you said, looking up at Lucas. “Maybe it's a stray. What do you think?”
Lucas crossed his arms and looked at the cat with a suspicious expression. “It's a little too good to be true, don’t you think? A mysterious black cat following you around Hogwarts. You know there are loads of horror stories about witches using cats as spies, right?”
“You're paranoid,” you rolled your eyes at him, but smiled.
“I’m cautious,” Lucas corrected, though there was a small teasing glint in his eyes. “But if you’re set on keeping it, we should make sure it’s not... I don’t know, an Animagus or something. Better safe than sorry, right?”
“You think someone’s been using this little thing to spy on me?”
Lucas shrugged, but he was already pulling out his wand. “Could be, perhaps. There’s a simple charm to check for such things; it won’t hurt the cat - you have my promise.”
You stood up and took a step back, “Okay, but I’m telling you, it’s just a normal cat.”
Lucas raised his wand, pointing it at the cat as he muttered the incantation under his breath. A faint blue light shimmered from the tip of his wand. It surrounded the cat for a moment before fading away.
You both stared at the cat in silence, holding your breath, waiting for whatever was about to happen. But the cat just blinked up at you, then licked its paw nonchalantly.
Lucas let out a breath, “Phew... what do you know? It’s just a regular old cat.”
“Told you,” you smirked, “looks like you’re now stuck with me and my new pet.”
The cat - as if it sensed your affectionate words - let out a soft purr and wound itself around your legs once more. You knelt down and scratched behind its ears again. A bond was already beginning to form. The only problem was the lice and many more things that were scattered across its fur.
"Alright, alright," Lucas said, laughing. "I suppose it shouldn’t be a problem.”
With the cat in tow, you and Lucas continued down the path to Hogsmeade. The bustling village was already alive with students and locals; shops were gleaming with fresh stock and festive decorations for upcoming festivities. As you entered Honeydukes, the warmth of the shop’s interior enveloped you, along with the sweet scent of sugar and chocolate.
“So, what’s your go-to sweet?” Lucas asked as he grabbed a basket, eyeing the chocolate frogs with heart eyes.
“Maybe the peppermint toads?” you said with a grin, grabbing a small bag from the shelf. “They’re the perfect balance of sweet and refreshing.”
Lucas pulled a face, “You’re a maniac. It’s all about the fizzing whizzbees.”
Both of you wandered through the aisles, piling your basket high with various candies - sugar quills, licorice wands, jelly slugs. At one point, Lucas tried to sneak a handful of Bertie Bott’s Every Flavor Beans into your bag, but you caught him just in time.
“You’re not tricking me into eating vomit-flavored beans again!” you narrowed your eyes at him.
Lucas laughed, holding up his hands in mock surrender. “Fine, fine. I'll save it for someone else.”
After stocking enough sweets to last almost a month, you and Lucas headed to Zonko’s. The shop was just as chaotic as expected, filled with exploding fireworks, laughing gas, and all manner of joke items. Lucas was in his element, darting from one display to the next with an excitement you hadn't seen since your first year at Hogwarts when you'd go shopping with the Weasleys.
It made you wonder if there was a Weasley in this timeline, or a Potter; surely there must—
“I’ve got it,” Lucas broke your trance, holding up a box of nose-biting teacups. “We’ll switch Maeve's regular tea with one of these. Can you imagine the look on her face?”
You shook your head, grinning, “You’re terrible.”
“Hey! You’re the one who agreed to come with me,” he replied, winking. “Makes you an accomplice.”
After spending almost an hour in Zonko’s, you finally dragged Lucas away before he bought the entire store. The two of you made your way back to Hogwarts, the pockets of your robes stuffed with sweets, joke items, and - in your case - also a black cat nestled happily in your arms.
“Already thought of a name?” Lucas asked as you strolled along the path.
You looked down at the cat, who had fallen asleep in your arms, still purring softly. “I’m not so sure yet; maybe something like ‘Shadow’?”
“Shadow,” Lucas mused, “hm, not bad; fits the whole ‘following you everywhere’ thing it’s got going on.”
You laughed, feeling the warmth of the cat’s fur against you. Despite the whirlwind of chaos that had brought you here, there was something so comforting about the small creature that had decided to be your companion.
And as you and Lucas made your way back to the castle, joking and teasing each other, you felt like things were normal, like you were just a regular student at Hogwarts, living in a time untouched by war and dark magic.
You went to sleep that day feeling better already, with the small feline curled up at the end of your bed, purring, its little collar having a little bell that you bought in a shop.
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The following morning, you made your way down the main aisle, the familiar hum of chatter and clicking of cutlery filling the air. It was officially your second week at Hogwarts, and though you were still getting used to the time period, you started to have a routine.
You reached the Gryffindor table and spotted your friends, already gathering around a platter of toast and eggs; some of them had pancakes. They waved you over and made space as you slipped onto the bench beside them.
“Morning, y/n!” Maeve greeted brightly, pushing a pitcher of pumpkin juice toward you. Her curly hair was a little wild this morning, as if she didn’t care. “Sleep well?”
You poured yourself a glass. “Pretty well, all things considered. I think I’m getting used to these weird ancient beds.”
Alicia snorted, her red hair falling into her eyes as she reached for a stack of pancakes. “Weird ancient beds? Try getting used to the weird ancient ghosts! I had Nearly Headless Nick hovering over my bed last night, telling some kind of story about jousting. I barely slept.”
“Better Nick than Peeves, though. That poltergeist kept chucking ink at me during Charms yesterday,” Maeve giggled, spreading jam on a piece of toast.
You laughed, feeling a warmth in your chest that you weren’t expecting. These girls had made everything feel… lighter. The constant worry in the back of your mind lessened. Here, in the morning sunlight with breakfast laid out before you, you almost forgot the real reason why you were here.
“Mm, speaking of Charms,” Maeve said, glancing at her timetable. “We’ve got it again this morning. Think Professor Flitwick will finally let us practice summoning spells?”
“I certainly hope so,” Lilith spoke as quietly as ever, but her eyes were sparkling with excitement. “Right? I’ve been dying to try action on something bigger. Imagine being able to summon an entire plate of pastries!” Lucas exclaimed.
“As if we need more reasons for you to get distracted during class, Luca,” Alicia rolled her eyes.
They continued to chatter about the day ahead while you found your gaze wandering around. The students were busy with their own conversations; some were studying, others were yawning over cups of tea, while some were also scribbling down last-minute notes for their morning classes. Everything felt so normal.
When your eyes landed on the Slytherin table, the illusion of normalcy shattered. You’d almost forgotten about him.
Tom Riddle. He was sitting at the center, surrounded by his usual group of admirers. He was composed, elegant even, as he buttered a piece of toast, speaking quietly to a blonde male next to him.
You looked away quickly before his group—or him—could notice you staring. “You’re awfully quiet this morning,” Maeve nudged you with her elbow.
“Everything alright?”
You gave a smile, hoping it didn’t look too strained. “Yeah, just thinking about today.”
“Don’t worry about it too much; it’s only the second week,” Lucas smiled. “Besides, you’re part of the group now. We’re in this together.”
“No backing out,” Lilith added, and for a second, you thought you’d melted.
You smiled, relaxing. You felt it reach your eyes; a sense of belonging wandered around in the back of your mind.
Breakfast continued, and so did the conversation to a more light-hearted topic: Alicia’s and Lilith’s excitement about the next Hogsmeade trip, Lucas’s plans for another elaborate prank on their dorm mate, and Maeve’s ongoing battle with Peeves. You listened, laughed, and chimed in the conversation whenever you could.
Maeve slung her bag over her shoulder and stood up. “Come on, y/n. Let’s see if we can make it to Flitwick’s class before Luca drags us to the kitchens for more pastries.”
“I resent that,” Lucas called over his shoulder, “but I do want more pastries.”
You smiled and grabbed your bag as you followed them out of the Great Hall, trying to savour the last few minutes of peace before the day truly began.
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⋆。⋆˙⟡charms class:
When you arrived at the Charms class, it was buzzing with quiet energy as tired students filed in, quills and textbooks clutched in their hands. You took a seat next to Maeve on your left side. Behind another desk with space in between you two sat another girl—Slytherin.
“Good morning, everyone! Today, we will be practicing summoning charms—Accio!” Professor Flitwick said loudly, standing on a stack of books at the front of the class as he clapped his hands to get the attention of all the students.
An exciting murmur passed through the room. You realized how, in their fifth year, they learn about summoning spells in this timeline, while in Harry’s timeline you learned more defensive spells or memory spells. The difference was huge.
Summoning charms were pretty basic, but growing up in times like you did, you almost had no time getting used to a simple spell like Accio while you could easily Obliviate someone or use the Patronus charm.
“Partner up!” Flitwick instructed. You turned to look at Maeve, who was already grinning at you.
“I’ve been practicing this all week,” Maeve said, wiggling her eyebrows. “Let’s see if I can summon a bigger thing than a quill this time.”
“Alright, but if you summon a desk by accident, you’re responsible,” you teased her, setting your wand on your desk.
Maeve pointed her wand at one of the cushions Flitwick had left for practice. “Accio cushion!” she shouted, her wand slicing through the air.
The cushion zoomed toward her, though it wobbled slightly before landing in her arms. “Not bad, right?”
You clapped lightly. “That was impressive!”
Maeve jokingly gave a little bow to you. “Your turn!”
You focused on a cushion that was lying a few feet away, envisioning it flying smoothly into your hands. After a flick of your wand, you called out,
“Accio cushion!”
The cushion shot toward you with more speed than you expected, hitting you on your chest slightly and knocking you back slightly. You laughed, catching it just in time. Maeve burst into giggles beside you.
“Well, at least it's working,” you said with a grin. Putting the cushion down, you glanced around the room and caught sight of Tom. He was practicing at the far end of the classroom. He performed the spell flawlessly, his cushion gliding into his hands with barely a flick of his wrist. His focus was intense, almost unnerving.
You quickly turned towards Maeve again, not wanting to dwell on him.
⋆。⋆˙⟡potions class:
The potion classroom in the dungeons was dark and cool; the only source of light was flickering. A mushy and earthy scent of ingredients filled the air as you sat down next to Alicia at one of the tables near the back.
“Right,” Alicia said, pulling out her ingredients. “I’ve got a good feeling about today’s potion. We’re supposed to make something simple, so there’s no way I can accidentally melt my cauldron like last week.”
You snickered. “Simple or not, I still think you have a way to make the easiest potions chaotic.”
Before Alicia could respond, Professor Slughorn’s jovial voice boomed across the room. “Today, my dear students, we will be brewing a calming draught. Quite useful for, uh, stressful situations.” He winked at the class. “-“I’m sure none of you feel stressed, though.”
You could feel the irony of the assignment, given how much stress you were actually under without anyone really knowing. You could probably use a calming draught or two just to get through the day.
Slughorn’s face was surrounded with enthusiasm as he demonstrated the first few steps, his eyes darting over the class with interest. You gathered the ingredients you needed and carefully measured out the valerian root, hellebore syrup, and the fluxweed oil.
“So, you think Slughorn’s going to invite you to one of his little parties?” Alicia asked as she ground some peppermint into powder.
You shrugged, keeping your focus on your cauldron as you stirred it clockwise. “Not very likely. I don’t really know what those parties are even about,” you lied. You went to one meeting with Hermione and decided to never go again. Simply a waste of time.
Alicia raised an eyebrow. “Well, Slughorn kinda ‘collects’ talented students. You’re smart, plus you’re new and kind. So, I’d say you're prime Slug Club material.”
You smiled at her. “We’ll see,” you said quietly. “Plus, I think Riddle is in Slug Club,” Alicia whispered.
You almost spilled the peppermint that you were trying to add into your potion. “Sorry, what?” you gaped at her. She scoffed at you and smiled. “Don’t act dumb; I always see you looking at him.”
Your potion turned to a soft blue—that was a good sign. “What??? No, I don’t…” you mumbled and glanced over at Alicia’s cauldron, which was bubbling a little too vigorously.
“Uh, Alicia... are you sure you didn’t add too much oil?” you asked her, eyeing the bubbles. “You’re not getting out of this conversation, Y/N,”Alicia said while she kept adding oil.
“No, no, I’m serious; look at those bubbles.”
“Oh, oops,” Alicia gasped and quickly turned down the heat under her cauldron. “Well, at least it’s not melting this time.”
You laughed softly, helping her adjust the potion before it boiled over. Potions was always a mix of stress and humor with Alicia. Seems like you're not as slick as you thought you were.
⋆。⋆˙⟡transfiguration class:
Dumbledore’s class, there was a different energy in the air. The room was spacious and bright; high arched windows were letting beams of sunlight in that illuminated against the desks. Dumbledore was standing at the front. “Today,” Dumbledore began, “we will attempt one of the more advanced transfigurations: turning inanimate objects into animals. Quite the leap from last week’s matchsticks to needles, wouldn’t you say?”
Maeve leaned over to you, whispering, “What if we give a four-legged animal six legs by mistake?”
You snickered quietly.
Dumbledore waved his wand, and a stack of stones appeared on each of the students’ desks. “Your task today is to transform this stone into small creatures of your choosing: a mouse, perhaps, or a bird. Be gentle and focus.”
You pointed your wand at the stone, visualising a small bird. With clear focus, you flicked your wand, saying the incantation softly.
To your surprise, the stone started shifting, wings sprouting from its sides as it transformed into a tiny sparrow. It fluttered its wings in confusion before hopping onto your desk.
“Well, aren’t you just the star pupil,” Maeve teased with a grin. She was still poking at her half-transformed stone, which looked more like a stone with some fur on it.
From the front of the class, Dumbledore’s eyes met yours briefly, and he gave a small approving nod. You continued helping Maeve when you caught a glimpse of Tom Riddle a few rows ahead. His magic was perfect—obviously. The stone in front of him had turned into a sleek, black raven that perched on his desk with eerie calm.
You sighed, forcing yourself to focus more on Maeve and her furry rock. There would be plenty of time to think about Tom later, but the time was ticking, and you knew it
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Shadow, the cat that you’d taken in, padded silently beside you as you made your way to the library. You smiled down at him; Shadow had proven to be nothing more than a sweet, lovely companion. The cat had followed you everywhere except for classes.
“You like books, don’t you?” you murmured to the cat as you entered the library, earning a few curious glances from other students. Shadow flicked his tail and trotted ahead of you, his sleek form disappearing between two towering bookshelves.
The library was quiet and warm, even after dinner. The air was thick with the scent of old parchment and dust. You loved it in the library; it felt like a sanctuary, a place where time stood still.
Wandering through the shelves, you scanned the spines of the books you passed. Every so often, you’d glance behind you to make sure Shadow was still with you. Reaching a shelf tucked in a quiet corner of the library, you found a book you'd been looking for - The Founder’s Legacy: A History of Hogwarts. It was a book you needed for your Muggle Studies.
You pulled it down and tucked it under your arm, turning to leave the aisle; but when you did, you noticed Shadow was gone. “Shadow?” you called softly, careful not to disturb the other students. The silence of the library seemed to grow louder, your eyes searching for the black fur you had grown accustomed to.
Frowning, you stepped out of the aisle, looking around for any sign of the cat. Only a few students were scattered around the tables, their heads buried in their studies. Then, out of the corner of your eye, you spotted him.
At one of the far tables, seated in his usual spot near the back of the library, was Tom Riddle.
With Shadow.
Your breath caught in your throat. The sleek black cat had made himself comfortable on the edge of Tom’s open book, his paws kneading the pages as he purred contentedly. Tom didn’t seem bothered by the interruption. In fact, he was watching the cat with an odd expression - almost as if he was amused, though his features remained calm and composed as always.
For a second, you just stood there, contemplating all your life’s choices. Seeing Shadow so comfortable made your heart race. Tom Riddle, the person you were meant to change, was casually petting the cat you had taken in, and it made your situation feel even more surreal.
But only you couldn't keep standing there forever, staring at Tom Riddle.
So, you summoned up your courage and slowly walked over to the table, forcing yourself to remain calm even though you could feel your chest preparing for a panic attack.
“Looking for this?” His voice was soft but cold as he gestured to the cat with a slight raise of his hand. Shadow meowed happily and stretched out his paws, pushing against Tom's book as if he had claimed it for himself.
Hearing Tom’s voice changed something in you; a warm feeling spread through you.
“Yes,” you said, your voice steady, trying to ignore all the feelings you were feeling at once. “I didn’t realise he’d wandered off.”
Tom’s eyes lingered on you for a moment, studying you with the same unsettling intensity you’d noticed in class. Then he looked back at the cat, one hand absently touching behind Shadow’s ear. The cat purred louder, pressing into the touch as though he had always belonged there.
“He seems to like me,” Tom observed. You had to hold back a scoff, so you forced a smile. “He’s a friendly one.”
“I can see.”
You weren’t sure how to respond to that. You cleared your throat and stepped forward, reaching for Shadow. “Well, I should get him out of your way; he’s probably disturbing your reading. Or studying, or whatever…”
Tom didn’t move at first, and for a brief second, you thought he might not let you take back your cat. But then he pulled his hand back. Shadow, oblivious to the tension, stretched lazily before hopping off the table and rubbing against your leg.
You cradled Shadow in your arms as you tried to steady your nerves.
You felt Tom’s gaze linger on you for a moment longer before he turned his attention back to his book, his expression unreadable. “Be careful,” he said, his voice low. “Not everything that follows you is harmless.”
You blinked, taken aback by the sudden shift in his tone. Was that a warning? Or something more? Before you could reply, Tom had already turned the page of his book, his focus shifting away from you as though the conversation had never happened
A chill ran down your spine as you hugged Shadow closer. Your heart was pounding in your chest, and you turned around.
Tom’s cryptic words echoed in your thoughts. You were halfway to the library’s entrance when you spotted Lucas striding toward you, hands tucked in his pockets, that ever-present grin tugging at the corners of his mouth. He seemed completely at ease, as though the world was just a big joke waiting to be told.
“There you are!” he called out in a low voice, somewhat mindful of the library’s strict silence policy. He walked right up to you, his sharp blue eyes scanning your face before flicking over to the spot where Tom was sitting. “I saw you over there, chatting with Riddle.”
“Yeah... Shadow wandered over to him,” you smiled slightly, still not fully calmed down, but Lucas’s presence helped a bit.
Lucas smiled. “Look, I’m just gonna say it: I’ve seen you stare at him at times, and you look like you’ve seen a ghost. Whatever he’s said to you—”
“He said something about not everything that follows you is harmless,” you interrupted him, needing to get it off your chest.
“Okay, stop. That’s freakishly creepy,” Lucas gaped, stealing a glance at Tom. “Just... try to ignore him. Riddle’s either got everyone thinking he’s the hottest thing to walk these halls, or they think he’s bloody weird.”
Your curiosity piqued. “And what do you think?”
Lucas paused, his eyes narrowing slightly as he considered the question. His grin returned. “Both.”
You chuckled at his bluntness. “Both?”
You walked out of the library, your book long forgotten on the table you were supposed to be studying at. “Yeah, he’s good looking. I mean, objectively speaking,” Lucas said. “But there’s something about him that’s off. Like, he’s too good at... well, everything. It's unnatural; people are drawn to him, but they’re also... I don’t know, scared of him. You know? Even if they don't want to admit it.”
You nodded, thinking back to how Tom had looked at you - the way his eyes seemed to see right through you. There was definitely something unnerving about him. “He’s strange. Almost like he’s always one step ahead of everyone.”
“Exactly,” Lucas agreed. “It’s like he’s playing a game no one else knows the rules to. Trust me, best to keep your distance.”
“I wasn’t planning on making friends with him,” you said, shifting Shadow in your arms. The cat blinked lazily up at you.
“Good, I’ve got enough trouble without having to rescue you from the dark and mysterious Tom Riddle,” Lucas replied, giving you a reassuring smile.
You let out a laugh. “Thanks, Lucas. I’ll be sure to tell you first if I get in over my head.”
Lucas grinned. “I’ll be there, wand at the ready.”
The two of you started to head toward the common room together, the tension that had been knotted in your chest since your encounter with Tom slowly began to ease. Lucas had a way of making things feel lighter, like no matter how complicated the situation got, he’d find a way to make it less scary.
“Anyway,” Lucas said, slinging an arm around your shoulders as you walked, “enough about Riddle. Did you get what you came for? Or are we heading back in for round two of ‘Tom the Cat Whisperer’?”
You smirked, shaking your head. “No more rounds with him for today, thanks. I think I’ve had my fill of mysterious brooding for the time being. But I do think I might’ve left my book in there.”
Lucas laughed again, his voice carrying through the halls. “We’ll get it first thing tomorrow. And if you do like him, just don’t go falling for that whole dark-and-mysterious thing. I won’t judge you.”
You rolled your eyes, nudging him playfully. “Please. You know I prefer my friends a little less brooding and a little more… fun.”
“See? That’s the right attitude.” He gave you a wink, his smile warm and genuine. “Stick with me. I’m way more fun than some dark wizard-in-training.”
You couldn’t help but smile back. As strange and intense as things had become, Lucas was a constant source of light. Maybe, just maybe, he’d help keep you grounded as you navigated the dangerous path ahead.
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a/n: posted a bit earlier, but umm, i was thinking of naming the cat crookshanks first - so she has a reminder of hermione, harry and ron. but idk :( alsooooo, i'll probably update on sunday for this serie (loads of homework)
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scribblesofagoonerr · 7 hours
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under pressure | katie mccabe x teen reader x caitlin foord
thank you to the anon that requested this one. it's been fun to write it!
i think i'm gonna plan a part 2 of this maybe, depending on what reaction i get from this one...
pairings: katie mccabe x teen reader x caitlin foord
summary: there's a lot of pressure that comes with being the next big thing in women's football sometimes
warning: talks of a eating disorder and angst
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It sometimes felt like you had the world at your feet. You were well aware of the word on the street that you were the next big thing in women’s football. The headlines were quick to label you as a future star, comparing you to legends like Marta or Sam Kerr, but of course being the youngest to sign a professional contract sometimes came with a certain level of expectations, and that was something that nobody could really prepare you for the weight that would follow.
Living alongside Katie McCabe and Caitlin Foord felt like a dream in itself like it would for any football-crazy teenager and you were no different, you moved in with them after your own parents couldn’t travel to England with you. 
Caitlin and Katie were quick to become more than just teammates or mentors, they became family.
It should’ve been perfect– It mostly was.
At least until the pressure started to become too much for you, the media scrutinised everything about you: your every move, every game, every slip-up. There felt like there was never any room for mistakes and it started to take its toll on you.
The expectations suffocated you and you started to believe the medias’ words, not only the media but the pressure of fans as well, you felt like you were weighed down by an anker of harsh criticism.
Maybe if you were smaller– lighter, you could be faster. You could be better.
It only started small, barely noticeable in fact, just skipping meals and convincing yourself that you were just too busy. The comments on how lean you looked pushed you further, but it didn’t take long for the innocent excuses to morph into something darker.
The hunger pains were a lot easier to bear than the suffocating pressure, but you should have realised that it would be harder to hide, and before long, it wasn’t just you who had noticed the toll it was taking on you.
“You seem a lot quieter today kid,” Caitlin was the first to pick up on your bitter mood as you made your way out of the London Colney and headed in the direction of where Katie had parked her car earlier on when you all arrived for training, “What’s going on?”
“Nothing, I’m all good,” You gave her a weak smile and kept your shoulders slouched as you opened the car door to climb in.
Are you sure, kiddo?” Katie noted the exhausted look on your face as she opened the car door and climbed in, “Cait’s right, you don’t seem like yourself today.”
“I’m fine Katie,” You all but growled in response and slumped down in the backseat of the car, “I’ve already told you I’m fine, so just leave it, will you?” You hadn’t meant to be rude but you really do hate all the persistent questions being fired at you.
You hated being the centre of attention, despite what the media said about you.
It didn’t take long for you to begin feeling the weight of guilt, “Sorry, didn’t mean to snap like that.”
“It’s okay kiddo,” Katie replied, glancing in the rearview mirror and giving you a reassuring smile, “How about when we get home, we order pizza. My treat?” She offered.
Your smile faltered at the mention of food. Your stomach was hurting from the hunger, but couldn’t give in to the temptations, “Um, it’s okay, I don’t really fancy pizza, thanks,” You respond, biting your bottom lip.
You missed Katie and Caitlin sharing a glance with each other, catching the hesitation in your voice. It was subtle, but they both knew you well enough to notice.
At one point, you used to jump at the chance for pizza nights– especially after a long day of training and now you barely even showed an ounce of interest.
“Okay,” Katie simply nodded and started the ignition of her car up.
The drive back home was quiet, too quiet. The hum of the engine mixed in with the quiet volume of noise in the car filled the silence, but your thoughts were still loud. You couldn’t help but stare out the window, feeling the familiar tightening in your chest.
You hated the fact that they were starting to notice more, it was easier when they didn’t and you could still pretend that things were fine, even if they definitely were not.
You couldn’t ignore the way that your hands trembled slightly from exhaustion or the pounding in your head that had become all too familiar lately.
You just had to pretend for a little while longer.
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Back at the house, you immediately make a beeline for your bedroom while muttering something about needing a shower. As soon as you closed the door, you leaned against it and took a deep breath. 
The initial feeling of hunger gnawed at you but you try to shove it aside, heading into the bathroom to splash cold water on your face all while ignoring the mirror, knowing you wouldn’t like what you saw.
“Hey kid! We’re gonna watch a film, do you want to come and join us?” Caitlin shouted upstairs to get your attention and you jolted slightly in shock.
“Uh, yeah, I’m coming!” You respond, turning the tap off and dabbing your face with a towel before making your way back into your bedroom, you shove a cosy hoodie on and shove your hair up in a messy bun before you head back downstairs to join the two of them.
“Here she is,” Katie exclaimed, gesturing for you to join them in the living room, “Where just deciding what film to watch, do you have anything you’d like to watch?” She questioned.
“Um, I don’t mind. I’m fine with anything,” You told her, plopping down on the sofa beside them as you listened to the two of them argue about what to watch.
Usually it was pretty comical when that happened, but you didn’t have it in you to laugh this time round.
The tension in the room was thick, and you knew it was only a matter of time before they brought it up again.
After what felt like an eternity, Caitlin broke the silence, “Y/N, we’re worried about you.”
Your stomach dropped and you should have known this was coming, but it still felt like a punch in the gut.
“You’re not eating, you’re not sleeping,” Katie leaned forward, her expression soft but serious, “You don’t seem like yourself, and we know that the pressure is a lot, but you know that you don’t need to carry it all by yourself.”
“I’m fine,” You shook your head, feeling the familiar panic rise in your chest, “I just have a lot going on right now.”
“We get it kid, but starving yourself isn’t the way to handle things,” Caitlins’ tone of voice was gentle but still firm. “There’s better ways to cope.”
You couldn’t help the tears that pricked at your eyes, but you blinked them away and refused to let them fall, “I’m not starving myself,” You whispered, trying to convince yourself more than them, “I just… I need to be better. I’m not good enough.”
“Y/N, you’re more than good enough,” Katie’s heart broke at your words as she scooted closer and placed her hand on your knee, “You’re incredible, and not just because of football but because of who you are, okay. You can’t do this to yourself, you can’t push yourself to the point where you’re hurting, kiddo.”
Your resolve was crumbing, you suddenly felt the weight of everything that you’d been holding in starting to break down, “I just… I don’t want to let anyone down,” You admitted, your voice barely above a whisper.
“Hey, come here,” Caitlin reached over and pulled you into a tight hug, “You’re not letting anyone down, kid. We’re so proud of you– so proud. We just need you to take better care of yourself, and we’re not just talking about football here either. We care about you.”
Burying your face in her shoulder, the tears finally spilled, “I’m scared,” You choked out, “I… I don’t know how to stop.”
Katie soon joined the hug, her arms wrapping around both you and Caitlin, “You don’t have to do it alone,” She paused, “We’re here, we’ll help you, but you need to let us in.”
It felt like for the first time in a long time, you allowed yourself to be vulnerable. To let them see just how scared and overwhelmed you really were, with all the added pressure of things.
It now made you realise that maybe, just maybe, you didn’t have to face it all on your own after all.
You could let them in.
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© scribblesofagoonerr
116 notes · View notes
willow-moon-23 · 1 day
Text
Black Cat and Her German Shepherd
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Aaron Hotchner X Fem!Reader
Summary: The tables have turned and now it's time for her team to meet her spouse.
Part 1
Word Count: 2437
Standing in the kitchen, her hands braced on the counter. She takes a long slow breath. Hotch walks up behind her.
“Are you feeling ok, colonel?” He wraps his arms around her from behind.
She glances back at him. “Fine. Just thinking.”
Hotch studies her for a moment longer. “Are you worried about me meeting your team?”
(Y/N) lets out a sigh. “No.” Her answer was flat, but Hotch could tell she was fighting a lot of thoughts in her head as she glares at the cleaned dishes on the counter.
“Then what is it?” He asks patiently.
She pushes off the counter, pushing Hotch a step away as well. “My team,” She starts slowly as she turns to face him. “I’ve told you the stories. They are a motley crew of hardened soldiers. They hardly have a filter when talking to higher ups and even less of one when talking to each other.”
“I’m aware.” He nods, letting her talk through her thoughts.
“They’re good men. I trust them with my life.” She speaks slowly.
Hotch brushes her hair from her face. "But?"
(Y/N) hesitates for a moment. “I don’t know. I can’t figure out why I’m hesitating like this.” She runs a hand through her hair and looks up at her husband. “You’ve met the captain before. Only because I got hurt, but you’ve still met him and he likes you. He always asks about you when I come back from leave.”
He nods along. “He gave me his number in case anything were to happen to you.”
“Yes. He’s a good man.” She agrees with him and begins pacing. “I know they won't judge us for any reason. They might make jokes if they are comfortable enough.”
Hotch walks up to her again and holds her shoulders, effectively stopping her pacing. “You’re overthinking it. Take a breath, colonel. I’ve never seen you this worked up. Not even when you’re being deployed.”
She does as he says and takes a slow breath. “This feels more nerve-wracking than a month-long mission and I can’t figure out why.”
“Maybe there is no ‘why’.” He rubs her arms gently. “Maybe you want to be sure that both your lives can coexist and not clash. There's no harm in wanting things to go well.”
(Y/N) looks up at the ceiling. “Maybe you’re right.” She drops her head to rest against Hotch’s chest. She slowly wraps her arms around him. “Stop reading me.”
Hotch chuckles. “I didn’t have to profile you to know all of that.”
She hums. After a moment, she pushes back. “Cap and Gaz said they would be here in ten. Johnny said he’d catch a ride with Ghost. Meaning they would be late because of him.”
“Do we have everything ready for them?” Hotch’s hands rub her back idly. He glanced around the kitchen, seeing all food was ready.
“Yeah, I just need to set the table and change.” She tilts her head as she thinks.
Hotch looks her up and down. “What’s wrong with what you’re wearing?”
“I’m in workout clothes.” Her tone was flat. She looks down at her sports bra and leggings with a raised eyebrow.
“I think you look great.” He winks.
(Y/N) rolls her eyes. “You’re awful. I’m going to change.” She turns away from him and walks to their room. Hotch chuckles as he watches her leave the kitchen.
Once the door closes behind her, he begins taking out the silverware and glasses to set the table for her. He sets it identically to when she had made dinner for his team about a month ago. He walks around the kitchen one last time making sure everything that needs to be turned off is before walking to their room. He knocks twice before entering. Hotch smiles and walks up behind (Y/N).
“I like this shirt.” He comments, leaning down to kiss her cheek.
(Y/N) closes her eyes and hums. “You should. You bought it for me.”
“Yes, I did.” His voice was smug. Before he could compliment her again their doorbell rings.
(Y/N) chuffs. “Saved by the bell. Take a second before you come out, yeah.” She pats his chest affectionately before walking out and closing the door behind her. She smirks as she hears Hotch groan behind the door. She takes a deep breath before opening the front door. She is greeted by her captain and one of her sergeants. “Evening boys.”
“Good to see you, colonel.” Price steps forward and envelopes her in a warm hug as she lets them into her home.
She accepts his hug and turns to Gaz. “How was the flight over?”
“Not too bad. Cap slept the whole way here.” Gaz laughs and offers her his own hug.
(Y/N) shakes her head and hugs him. “No surprise there.” She hears her bedroom door open behind her and pulls back. “Boys, my husband, Aaron Hotchner.” She steps to the side as Hotch enters the space next to her.
Price was the first to extend a hand. “Good to see you again, agent.”
“Likewise, captain.” Hotch shakes his hand, with a nod.
(Y/N) motions toward Gaz. “This is Sergeant Kyle Garrick, or Gaz, as we all call him.”
“I thought he’d be taller.” Gaz stage whispers to (Y/N) before extending his hand.
(Y/N) rolls her eyes. “I told you he’s barely taller than you.”
Hotch takes Gaz’s hand with a chuckle noticing his wife's banter with the sergeant. “A pleasure to meet you, sergeant Garrick.”
“Gaz is fine.” The sergeant gently corrects him. Hotch nods mentally takes a note.
A loud knock at the front door had (Y/N) turning to open it. ”And there are the last two.”
The four are met with Johnny’s grinning face the second the colonel opens the door. He immediately pushes into her house, hugging her tightly. “Bonnie, it’s been too long.” He squeezes her as if he hasn’t seen her in over a year.
“It’s been three days, Johnny.” (Y/N) pushes the Scott off with a raised eyebrow.
“Three days is three too long.” He practically whines at her. Gaz and Price chuckle behind them.
“He’s been whining the whole way here.” Ghost steps into the house and closes the door behind him. The tall Lieutenant towered over all five of them in his black hoodie and face mask.
The colonel chuffs. “No surprise there.” She turns to her husband. “This-”
“John McTavish, they call me Soap.” Johnny interrupts her with a grin and eagerly shakes Hotch's hand.
“Is our other Sergeant.” (Y/N) sighs. “And this is Lieutenant Riley. He prefers Ghost. Boys, this is my husband, Aaron Hotchner.”
“Federal Agent.” Ghost looks him up and down.
“Unit Chief.” Hotch nods, taking Ghost's hand.
Ghost hums and turns to (Y/N). “How’s the side?” he jerks his chin toward her.
(Y/N) shrugs. “Healing.”
Johnny bumps Hotch's arm. “So, how ya manage to tie ‘er down?” Gaz chuckles behind Johnny. “Couldn’t ‘ave been an easy feat.”
(Y/N) lightly smacks the backside of Johnny’s head. “He didn’t tie me down.” She glares at him. “Get in the dining room before I throw you out already.”
“Awe, don’ be like that, Lass. Just poken’ a bit of fun.” Johnny grins, knowing she’s not actually mad at him.
“Go.” She points to the dining room.
Johnny holds his hand up in surrender and walks into the other room with Gaz and Ghost behind him. Price chuckles. “Pay them no mind. They were all excited when you told us to come for dinner.”
Hotch steps next to his wife and gently rests a hand on her lower back. “I’m glad you all could make it. I know you’re going back tomorrow. So it means a lot to both of us that you took the time to stop here first.”
Price smiles. “Anything for one of ours.” He turns and walks into the dining room.
(Y/N) sighs and looks up at Hotch. “Any initial thoughts?”
“Your stories of Johnny don’t do him justice.” Hotch laughs softly.
She shrugs. “He’s something else alright.”
“Come on, they’re waiting for us.” Hotch softly nudges her forward.
“Fine.” She takes his hand and heads in. She takes her seat next to Hotch’s after passing out plates to everyone and looks around the table. Her team was all happily joking with her husband as they all settled in. Her team thanks her for the meal and eagerly digs in. They haven’t had a properly cooked meal like this in a while, so they enjoy it when they can. All of them make sure (Y/N) knows how thankful they are before the questioning starts.
“So, how bad has it been, been’ married to this one?” Johnny was the first to break up the sound of utensils on plates. (Y/N) glares at Johnny.
Hotch laughs it off. “Honestly, not much has changed for us. We love spending time together. Marriage just seems to work for us.”
“He puts up with me, it’s all I can ask for.” (Y/N) chimes in as she cuts another bite to eat. Her lighthearted comment brings a chuckle to everyone.
“You have a little one, right?” Gaz leans forward to ask Hotch.
“I do. Jack is at his aunt's house right now.” Hotch smiles as he talks about Jack.
Price turns to (Y/N). “He likes you?”
“He does.” She nods. “I mean, he better, I’ve been in his life since he was born.” She looks over at Hotch with a smile.
Price chuckles. “Fair enough.” Price turns to Hotch. “She told us you were a prosecutor before working with the BAU, correct?”
“Yes, I used to work as a prosecutor. I changed fields so I could do more good than I was doing then.” Hotch easily takes over the conversation. Telling them how he felt as if he could do more good being a profiler than he ever could as a prosecutor.
Her team continues to ask more questions, mainly about Hotch’s job and how he treats (Y/N) when she's home. Once everyone was finished eating the boys immediately help (Y/N) clear the table and wash up, not that she even asked them to. If anything, she told them not to, only to be, politely, pushed aside. Hotch stands next to her as Johnny and Gaz tell him about a mission they went on where they had to detangle (Y/N) and Price from a tree after a rough landing. (Y/N) and Price exchange glances when the two add more details than were true. A few eye rolls and scoffs were shared at the story.
Once all the dishes were done and Johnny finally finished another one of his stories, (Y/N) moved everyone into the living room. There Hotch tells them a bit more about what he and his team do. The team listens eagerly, hanging onto nearly every word. (Y/N) smiles to herself as she watches them. After a minute she feels a soft tap against her shoe. She looks up to see Ghost staring at her. He nods his head toward the kitchen. (Y/N) gives him a soft nod.
“You boys want tea?” She interjects softly as Hotch finishes his thought.
“I wouldn’t mind a cup.”
“Yes, please.”
“Sure, Lass.”
She nods as they accept. “Aaron?” She stands and looks down at her husband.
“I’m alright, thank you.” He smiles up at her.
“Ok. Give me a hand, Simon?” Ghost merely stands and follows behind her. The two walk into the kitchen as the four continue talking.
“You trust 'im?” He asks the second the two are out of earshot.
“With my life.” (Y/N) looks up at the lieutenant.
Ghost stares at her with matching seriousness. “He good to ya'?”
“Very.” She answers easily.
He nods. “If he tries anythin’.”
“You’ll be the first I call.” She interrupts his thought.
Ghost grunts. “'is team know you?”
“Met them a while back.” She nods.
He nods. After a long pause, he speaks up again. “I like 'im.”
(Y/N) chuffs. “Really? I couldn’t tell.”
“Don’ get cheeky.” Ghost narrows his eyes at her.
“Wouldn’t think of it.” (Y/N) turns to prepare tea for her team.
Once the tea was ready, the two brought out the cups and passed them to each member. They all say their thanks and ease back into asking questions. To Hotch’s credit he takes Gaz and Johnny’s lighthearted banter and runs with it. The night goes on with loud laughs and well-meant jabs at each other. Hotch got to sit back and watch (Y/N) and Johnny have a back-and-forth on whose fault a misplaced rifle started a five-day hunt for said rifle was. Sitting in his living room with his wife and her team allowed him to see just how close they all were and how much they cared for each other.
As the sun started to go down the team realized they should be heading out. They all said their goodbyes for the night, giving hugs to their colonel and strong gripped handshakes to Hotch. They thanked Hotch and (Y/N) for the meal and headed out the door.
Price stops by (Y/N) and rests a hand on her shoulder. “You have a lovely house. Thank you for having us over.”
“Thank you for accepting my invitation to join us.” She rests her hand over his.
“We’ll always come when you call, love.” Price smiles at her.
She returns his smile. “Drive safe.”
He gives her shoulder a light squeeze and tips the brim of his hat to her and nods to Hotch before walking to his car. (Y/N) and Hotch stand outside watching each of them get into the cars, Johnny waves at them as he and Ghost drive off first. Price and Gaz follow out the driveway.
Hotch wraps his arms around her waist and rests his chin on her shoulder. “Feel better?”
“I do.” She leans into him. Her hands hold his arms.
“You sure, you look pensive.” He tilts his head to look down at her.
She waves off his worry. “Price mentioned something about our next mission. It’s nothing to do with you meeting them.”
Hotch could tell she was being honest. “You think I meet their approval?”
(Y/N) nods. “Ghost likes you.”
“He barely said a word.” Hotch raises an eyebrow.
“That’s just how he is.” She shrugs. “I’m surprised you couldn’t tell, Mr. Profiler.” She teases.
“I think it was the twitch in his eye every time I touched you that made me think otherwise.” Hotch laughs. “You have a good group around you. They genuinely care for you.”
(Y/N) gives his arm a squeeze. “Yeah, they’re a good bunch.”
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slayfics · 1 day
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Katsuki breaks up with you.
1k words
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Katsuki hands shook, as he let out a shaken breath. Running his hands over his face, before returning them to resting on his knees. His eyes fixated on the floor never once looking up at you.
“Katsuki, what is it?” You asked softly.
Katsuki leg shook at your question. Elbow moving to his knee as he placed his chin in his palm. Never moving his gaze.
It wasn’t a secret to you that a rift had come between you and Katsuki. The past few months he seemed to be drifting further and further away. Still, you kept your wits about you. Maintaining your same routine, loving affection, and undying patience for him.
It’s a phase, you told yourself. Even the best relationships have their ups and downs. You’d come back stronger than ever in no time, you were sure of it... But then an ominous text came.
[Katsuki] Can we talk tonight?
Now he sat on your couch in a state you’d never seen before. His eyes started to gloss over as his mouth slightly parted, still finding the right words.
“I don’t know how to say this shit,” he grumbled, and you heard the crack in his voice.
“Just tell me Kats, whatever it is we can work through it,” you said quietly.
At that, the gloss in his eyes formed into full tears. The room is so quiet the soft drops of tears seem to echo.
“You know I love you right?” he asked, glancing over slightly at you before looking at the wall. He couldn’t handle the expression on your face. You had to know it was coming. Your body looked like it was braced for a shock. Hands gripping at your seat so tight your knuckles were white.
“Of course, I love you too Katsuki…” you whispered, the lump in your throat forming. This wasn’t what you thought this was- was it?
“That’s why… I can’t lie to you anymore,” he said, wiping the tears from his face.
You had so many questions but felt paralyzed in your spot. Lie to you? What could that mean?
“It’s… not fucking fair to you and…,” Katsuki threw his head back on the couch, both hands covering his face.
“Katsuki please just tell me…”
“I’m trying,” he grumbled more tears forming, voice unrecognizable.
“Did you… find someone else?” You finally managed to ask, mouth drying out, ear ringing from the intensity in the room.
“No. I mean… not in the way you’re thinking,” Katsuki said, sitting back up.
“I don’t understand Katsuki.” You said, heart squeezing. What could he mean?
“I… fuck. Look I’ve come to some realizations recently. It’s been hard… and I…,” Katsuki broke off, legging shaking faster than before. No matter how hard he tried there just weren’t the right words for this situation.
“Please… tell me so I can be there for you,” you urged.
A final sigh left his chest deflating, “I’m not straight.”
“Oh.”
The room froze.
Your eyes darted from side to side as you processed. Katsuki stayed silent and no longer moved. 'Oh' isn’t what someone wants to hear when they come out, but he knew couldn’t expect you to be supportive when he’d just shattered your heart, the vision of your future with him. All gone.
Tears left and he didn’t care if you felt you needed space, he needed to comfort you.
“Come here,” he pulled you to him wrapping his arms around you he cradled you in his lap. “I’m sorry,” he whispered forehead pressed to you. Both of you wept.
He squeezed you and you tried to gather the thoughts racing through you. Trying to catch one and make sense of it. He’d been going through this alone for how long?
“You’ve been struggling with this alone?” you asked, hiccupping back tears.
“Don’t- don’t worry about me,” he demanded. “I just- betrayed you. Be mad at me.”
“Katsuki,” you cooed, placing a gentle hand on his face. Thumb brushing away tears. “You could never betray me by living authenticity.”
Tears flowed freely, how could you be so kind and understanding to him? He pressed a caring kiss to the top of your head. “I don’t deserve that,” he muttered.
“Of course you do.” You said silencing his self-hatred.
“You know I’d still do anything for you right? I’m not disappearing. I’m going to look out for you, the rest of my life.”
“And I’ll always be your biggest fan,” you replied resting your head on his chest.
He rocked you both, moments passed, and tears subsided.
The lingering question becomes too strong to hold back. “Is it Eijiro?” You asked.
How were you so perspective, Katsuki wondered. He didn’t answer but squeezed you tighter, “I didn’t cheat on you, I promise. I’m sorry I just… need to figure this out.”
“I wasn’t worried about that,” you said relaxing more into him, “and please stop apologizing Kats.”
He mumbled into your hair, chin resting on your head. “I hate myself for hurting you, I- never wanted to do that.”
“You could never hurt me by being happy. That’s all I ever wanted for you.” You replied.
“Don’t lie. I fucked this all up. You’ve- got to be hurting don’t hold back,” he pressed. His stomach twisted. The masochist parts of himself wanted you to hate him. It’s what he deserved for throwing away all the hard work you put into him.
“Of course, I’m hurting, and I will for a while. But- I’ll be ok. And anyway, what’s the alternative? Keeping you in a relationship you’re not satisfied with? I love you far too much to wish that for you,” you said picking up his hand to press a kiss to the back of it.
“You’re still the best thing that’s happened to me,” he whispered. “I… don’t think I could have been this honest with myself if it wasn’t for your unconditional affection. So… let me at least take care of you tonight. Make your favorite meal. Whether else you want. I owe you that much.”
“You aren’t in my debt Katsuki but, I’ll never say no to your cooking.” You answered a small smile tugging your lips.
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sinners: @queenpiranhadon @unofficialsapphire @maddietries @fiannee @i-heart-carlisle @derangedmango @matchat3a @bakugouswaif @reneinii @peachsukii @pastelbakugou @abadbitchblogs @deluluforcarlos55 @b134ch-m4h-ey3z @pinkpurpledreams @that-one-fangirl69 @dreamcastgirl99 @jays-adventure3 @bythevay @my-beloved-fandoms
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moyazaika · 2 days
Text
omg doe brought up this AMAZINGGG idea abt the crime lord yan and his lawyer darling hello hey hi!!!!!!
this kinda got away from me because it is 3am but i nEEEEEDED to get this out bjsjsjjs i blame @carnivorousyandeere
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i know i wrote the initial dynamic for his darling to be his lawyer, in that they’re on his side in court to keep him from getting sent to prison BUT BUT BUT hear me out T_T
lawyer darling who put yan kingpin away.
as in ,, you are the reason he was found guilty. you are the one, when the judge announced the final verdict, that his gaze turned to and that he smiled for, then. sentenced to death, before it was appealed to multiple life sentences; the beginning of the end of his empire.
you, you, you — the cause of his downfall.
after the infamous internationally documented case, your career soars to unprecedented heights. you’re the lawyer on every newspaper in every country, all the tv channels and glossy magazines. every law school wants you to speak at their graduation ceremonies. every firm’s reaching out to you. the whole world knows your name; you have everything!
—so why do you keep going back to the man who now has nothing?
the kingpin looks the same as he did that fateful day in court. only now, there’s bags under his eyes, and a five o clock shadow on his jaw; lips still curled in an easygoing smile. he laughs when he sees you, as if the two of you were merely old friends who hadn’t caught up in a while.
as if you’re not visiting him years later in the city’s most high security prison.
he grins. “come to gloat, have ‘ya?”
“you’ve committed countless crimes.” you state. “stolen lives and livelihoods. broken up families. killed good men. and still, all these years later, no remorse?”
“don’t get ‘yer panties in a twist,” he huffs, lazily leans back in the rickety prison chair so that he’s swinging it back and forth on its back legs, like a child. how absurd that even the garish orange uniform of a prison should suit him, “comes with the job description, don’t it?”
“i think about you,” you admit, eyeing the chains that bind his handcuffed hands to the desk in front of him. you look up, meet his gaze through the thick, dirty pane that separates you from him. keeps you safe. out of his reach, if only just.
a low whistle. “you sure know how to make a man feel special, y’know. been followin’ your cases. never put another one like me away, did ‘ya?” he grins. “i like that i’m special. makes me feel all warm ‘nd fuzzy inside.”
“wow,” you let out. “you really have gone insane.”
“always been a ‘lil crazy! like i said, part of the job description. though i’ve been thinkin’ recently,” he starts.
your fascination prompts you to lean closer. a sort of morbid curiosity that yearns to solve the puzzle of his twisted mind, slot the pieces you’ve already got in a way that makes them fit. you’ve got this weird feeling that you’re missing something. a big piece, maybe. one of the central ones.
“thinking about what?” your voice is barely above a whisper, almost conspiratorial. he leans in, too, all wide eyes—
—and then he jerks forward with the chains around the cuffs on his wrists pulled taut as he suddenly yanks them all the way, like a feral dog pulling on its leash. he looks like one, too, with that glint in his eyes.
“fuck!”
you barely even register that you’re on the floor until he laughs, low in his throat. he makes a vague gesture to your chair, toppled over on its side.
“oops.” he says, coyly. “didn’t mean to scare ‘ya.”
“liar,” you hiss, standing up to dust yourself off. this was stupid. why would you even entertain the idea of a civil conversation with a madman?
he gasps dramatically. “this is slander, your honour!”
“i’m leaving,” you scoff. “i don’t even know why i even came down here. you’re clearly fucking crazy.”
“and you’re no fun!” he pouts. “how ‘bout you stay just a little longer and i’ll make it worth ‘yer time, pretty please?”
“no can do,” you turn on your heels and reach for the door, fingers curled around the handle as you spare him one final glance over your shoulder— “have fun rotting in here for the rest of your life, psycho.”
—except the door won’t open. you try again, and again once more. the handle won’t budge. an awful sense of urgency overcomes you as you desperately shake the handle in a futile attempt to get it to just—
“funny ‘yer calling me crazy, ‘cus einstein once said real insanity is doin’ the same thing,” he beams. “over and over and over and over again, and expecting different results. door’s locked, lovely. ‘yer not getting out from there, ‘m afraid.”
you turn back then, still holding onto that door like a lifeline. he’s standing up, rubbing sore wrists that are, you realise with a sinking feeling, no longer bound by the handcuffs that kept him chained; on a short leash, like a good dog.
“what are you doing…?” your voice shakes, and it’s a far cry to the headstrong, unwavering lawyer who put the world’s most notorious criminal behind bars. “what the fuck—”
“i told you i’d make it worth your while t’stay,” he rolls up his sleeves, before pushing all of his hair (longer and greasier than the last you saw him) out of his face, features set in a determination you’ve never glimpsed before. familiar eyes twinkle with mischief. “and i meant it, y’know. the world’s very best lawyer came so far to see me! least i can do is greet ‘em properly.”
“‘cus see, the other prisoners wouldn’t be so nice. but i’ve been thinkin’ about you too.” he pulls his arm back and his fist comes flying at the pane. “don’t wanna have a conversation or nothin’ like that, nah, we talked enough.”
“you’ve been thinking about me, i’ve been waiting around for you…” bloody knuckles against cracks in the one barrier that is keeping you safe from him. you watch, helpless, as it threatens to break beneath the brute force of his trained fists.
“now let me just come over there,” he pulls his arm back again, ready to strike; knuckles raw and red, like the maniacal grin carved onto his pretty, flushed face. a deep blush and a shaky smile as those fists bring it all crashing down. “and show you how much i missed my faaavourite lawyer in the whole wide world.”
“—that be a good enough reason to stick around?” he asks slyly, before catching himself. “oh, silly me.” he shakes his head, apologetically, as he steps over broken shards on the floor, tainted with his blood. “doesn’t matter what ‘ya say.” a low hum when scarred hands reach out for you. “i waited so long for you…”
“… so, let’s make up reaaalllll good for all that lost time, okay?”
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loui3e · 17 hours
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Guilty Pleasure
It’s been awhile since you’ve turned up the dial’
Worst!Logan x Reader
Summary: After a first date gone wrong Logan finally confesses the truth.
A/n: I might make a smutty part 2 if you all enjoy this. Has been proofread.
Warnings: A sprinkle of angst, miscommunication (I know), all is solved in the end. Kinda suggestive.
Words: 795
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First dates are odd things.
Scary even, especially with a man who you think doesn’t want a bit to do with you.
You’re convinced Wade put him up to this because there’s a scowl permanently etched into his facial features.
You won’t let this get you down though, I mean you’re still on a date with a man that you’ve had a massive crush on since he’s moved in next door. Better than nothing you suppose.
You sip your milkshake, your hands awkwardly tapping the table in an attempt to fill the uncomfortable silence.
“What do you do?”
Your head shoots up, eyes wide. That’s the first time he’s spoken since you’ve arrived to this diner besides telling the waiter what he wanted. His words are gruff, almost reluctant but its words nonetheless.
“Uh, what do I do? Um, art.” You stumble over your words, not use to the sound of your voice after all this quiet. Logan raises a brow from across you.
“Art?”
“Yeah, like I paint.”
“Traditionalist then?”
You chuckle and shake your head, “I guess so.” There’s a new bout of silence, a little more comfortable.
“What do you do?” You reflect the words back, a little happier than his. Shifting your plate out of the way and setting your head on your hand so your full attention is on him.
Logan wouldn’t consider himself a particular interesting person, sure he’s got some stories to tell but those are all circumstantial. But your eyes are on him; bright and curious.
You’re just a naturally curious person, but also partly crushing on him. He’s certainly handsome. You’ve seen him on the halls of your apartment complex, tall and broad. You could fantasise about him all day.
“Not much.”
Your daydream is cut short.
“Surely something?”
Logan’s fully realised he really doesn’t do a lot, now that he thinks about. He expects you to retreat back into disinterest but you don’t, you pry instead.
“Everyone has something, what’s your calling?”
“I don’t know,” he shrugs. That scowl sneaks back onto his face as he sits back against his seat arms crossed.
You think you’ve might’ve said something wrong, but not for long before the waiter comes over with the bill.
It’s not until you see him at a bar do you speak next, you haven’t really seen him since the date. “Logan,” you call as you take a seat beside him, smiling timidly.
He gives you a nod of acknowledgment. Logan feels a little bad for avoiding you after that date, but after your conversation he doesn’t quite think he’s worth your time.
“We hadn’t spoken after that date, I don’t wanna pry but did I say something wrong? I mean I know Wade put you up to this so you probably didn’t even want to go.”
“What? Wade didn’t put me up to this,” Logan speaks with hard honesty, like it was the most obvious thing in the world.
“But I thought- you looked so disinterested.” You lean in closer to him, head cocked to the side. His eyes met yours and he feels a pang of guilt.
God, he’s an idiot, it didn’t even occur to him it he looked like that. “No, not at all,” he takes a swig of whiskey before continuing. “I just, haven’t been on a date in awhile. I don’t think you’d like me much once you got to know me.”
Your jaw falls open as you look at him before you start laughing. Relief washing over your features, and partly at the thought that you wouldn’t like Logan once you got to know him.
“Logan I’ve been crushing on you since you moved in, you can’t scare me off.”
“You’d be surprised, sweetheart.” Logan places a bill down onto the table for his drink before getting up to leave. He’s trying to put up a wall between you and him.
“Logan I’m serious,” you shout after him following him out of the bar. Logan turns on his heel to face you a before you can think you’re pulling him in by the lapels of his jacket and crashing your lips against his. You pull back, stunned.
“Oh my god, I didn’t even think-“ now it’s his turn to take you by surprise because his kissing you back. Your arms wrap around his neck, his walls crumble under your touch.
He tastes like cheap whiskey and smoke. An addictive taste that you’re sure you’ll be coming back for; like a cigarette.
“I guess you were serious,” Logan chuckles, breathing heavily.
“I can show you how even more serious I am, if you come back to mine,” you grin up at him, still wrapped up in his arms and the electricity of the moment.
“I’d like that.”
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crescenthistory · 1 day
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you are my favourite silence
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Pairing: Paul Atreides x Reader
Summary: Jessica's lecture and the eventual nightmare-catalysed-reunion, from Paul's tortured, yearning perspective. Based on "in the silence, there is an us".
Words: 3.6k
Warnings: not proofread, angst, hurt/comfort, references to nightmares, intense yearning, descriptions of anxiety and panic, feeling like the world is demanding too much of you, being super in love but not able to say it out loud, cuddling, lady jessica being a c*ckblock/heartbreaker
***
In the face of change, of being pushed into the final phase of growing up, Paul wanted to cling to you like a lifeline. To the gentle rhythm that once existed between him and you, the one he felt becoming more and more unbalanced as the world around dumped expectations on you both. He almost had not noticed it happening at first. You had grown up beside him, a constant presence, and yet now, each time he glanced your way, he was increasingly aware of what could be taken from him. He was only just beginning to grasp how much he cared for you, and the idea that you might feel like you did not belong here, or worse, being shown you do not, made something twist deep inside him.
Sitting beside you in the library, Paul could hear his mother’s words – sharp and pointed, even as he believed they were meant to guide. His whole body felt tense, not because of Jessica’s talk of duty, or the future he would soon shoulder, but because of you. Because he knew what her gaze did to you, how it picked at the part of you that never felt enough. When Jessica moved on to discuss personal relationships, the weight of her underlying meaning came pressing down, and Paul could barely keep his attention on her. His eyes flicked toward you, searching for any sign that her words were cutting too deep. Even when scolded himself, all he could think about is how it would affect you.
He hated this. Hated the way his mother’s eyes would linger on you, as though you were being measured and found wanting. It wasn’t true, but he knew you felt it. He could see it in the way you lowered your head, trying to hide from the sharpness of her tone. His jaw clenched. You were not some distraction, you were his best friend, and that should count for something. You were the reason he could breathe when it all felt either too small or too big.
When the speech was finally over and Jessica left them alone, Paul let out a breath, half-realising he did not listen to a word she said towards the end. The silence between the two of you felt heavy, thicker than it should have been. You should have been able to laugh it off together, snicker at his mother’s dramatics, but he knew you would not do that anymore. He risked a glance at you. His heart sinking at the way you avoided looking back. 
“She didn’t mean it like that,” he said, voice low, unsure how else to cut through the tension. When you didn’t respond, he moved closer, needing to bridge the growing distance. “She’s just worried. That’s all. My mother –”
“Your mother is always worried,” you cut in sharply, and Paul flinched. The tone in your voice was one you rarely ever used on him, only in your worst moments. He knew what it meant. You were pulling away, not just from the conversation, but from him. He could feel it. He wanted to stop it, wanted to reach out and pull you back to where you belonged, beside him. “Maybe she has a point. I’ve been distracting you. I shouldn’t... I shouldn’t keep coming to you.”
No.
Paul’s chest tightened as you began to move, began to slip from his grasp. Before he could even think, his hands moved on their own, gently but firmly gripping yours, desperate to ground you. “No,” he said aloud, his voice more forceful than he intended. “You haven’t been distracting me. You’ve... you’ve been keeping me sane. It’s not the same thing.”
He didn’t have the words. Not really. Not for what he was trying to say. All he needed was for you to understand, to know how important you were to him, but no words were worthy in the moment. His mother could never see it the way he did, she was too caught up in her visions for his future to realise when the only future he cared about was right in front of his nose. She didn’t understand how all the qualities that could make him a good duke were the ones you brought out of him.
He could see your brows twitch in the way they do when you are holding back tears. “But your mother thinks –”
“I don’t care what my mother thinks.”
The words tumbled out before he could stop them, and for a brief moment, Paul felt a surge of panic. He blinked, startled by his own admission that he had not realised rang so true for him, but he didn’t let go of your hands. His grip tightened slightly, and he looked at you, willing you to understand all he could not say. “I don’t care what she thinks about the time we spend together,” he continued, trying to keep his voice level. “She doesn’t understand. She doesn’t know what it’s like to feel like you’re drowning, like the world’s pressing in from every side, and you’re just. Alone.”
She doesn’t know you’re the lifeboat. 
“Whenever I’m with you, it’s the only time I don’t feel that way,” he confessed, his voice raw. He was laying it all out, unsure if he was saying the right things or making things worse, but he couldn’t stop himself. It felt like he was pleading a case. “You’re not a distraction. You’re the only thing that keeps me steady.”
He saw the way your eyes briefly squeezed shut, the blush still remaining in your cheeks, the slightly quivering curve of your mouth, all that internal struggle on your beautiful face. It tore him apart. You wanted to argue, he could see that, but something held you back. Paul wasn’t sure if that was better or worse. He felt you giving up instead of giving in, as you softly said, “We just need to be more careful.”
Careful. That word grated against his every instinct. Paul didn’t want careful. He wanted you, the way you had always been – close, inseparable. 
But then you said, “We can’t keep hiding away in each other’s rooms. We can’t... we can’t keep acting like kids.”
Paul’s heart sank, his body sagging slightly as he was giving up, too. Not on you, on himself, on his situation. He rubbed at his face, trying to shake the helplessness threatening to take over. You were right, but it felt painfully wrong.
“But we’re not acting like kids,” he muttered, trying to keep you from slipping too far away. 
“Aren’t we?” you whispered, your voice filled with something that sounded like heartbreak. “We’re literally sneaking into each other’s beds in the middle of the night, Paul. We’re still pretending like nothing’s changed.”
Paul didn’t have a response. Not immediately, too caught up with the ache in his chest as his disturbance turned existential. Why must sharing a close connection with someone, being tethered by someone, be a thing of only childhood? He felt he needed it more and more the older he got. Yet, he knew better than anyone all he had to do and all he had to be, and that it was time to step up to the challenge. But that didn’t mean he wanted to lose this, lose you, at least this part of you it felt he had always possessed. The idea that things had to change, that you couldn’t be the way you had always been – it was unbearable.
“Nothing has changed though,” he finally said, aiming for conviction. “Not between us.”
Deep down, Paul knew you were right. Everything had changed, just not in the way you were currently discussing, and he didn’t know what to do with it. He was not ready to face it. 
When you stood up to leave, the panic flared again in his chest. He wanted to reach for you, to stop you, to pull you back down beside him. Show you why you had to stay. He did anything but, he could only watch as you walked away, leaving him behind with the oppressive atmosphere of the library. His finger tips lingered on your seat as he clung to your promise: I will see you tomorrow. Even that small promise felt like a lifeline made of plastic.
Paul stared at the spot where you left, the weight of the future settling heavily on his shoulders. 
The following weeks, Paul did everything in his power to bury the gnawing unease that twisted inside him. He cherry-picked from his continuing lectures from his mother, trying to keep only the positives and leave out all the doom everyone seemed to hand him these days. The tension that hung between you only worsened in the silence of the castle’s long nights. You had always shared a restlessness after dark, a sort of curse that made sleep seem impossible unless you were together. But after his mother’s warnings about appearances and responsibilities, Paul felt obligated to put distance between you, to keep his emotions in check. At least for as long as you claimed that was what you wanted, too.
God, he hated it.
At first, he tried to do everything right, tried to focus more on his studies, his duties, his pretenses. He could not afford to slip up, not when he was being watched so closely, not when he was meant to prove himself a future Duke. But the more he tried to be the person he was expected to be, the more he felt himself, Paul, not the future duke of House Atreides, unraveling. 
Every moment spent apart from you gnawed at him, like a thread slowly being pulled loose from the fabric of his mind. His concentration splintered; during meetings, his eyes trailed to the door, wondering if you would ever walk in, during training, his movements felt sluggish, his mind always wandering to whether you were okay, whether you missed him too.
The longer you kept your distance, the harder it became to focus on anything but you and the looming elephant that was your friendship.
He soaked up every interaction you had like a parched man trying to survive in the desert. Even something as simple as sitting beside you during meals or brushing past you in the hallways felt like a lifeline. He clung to those moments, storing them away like precious memories, replaying them in his mind when he found himself alone. He knew you still saw each other a relatively normal amount, the amount usual friends dedicate to each other – but it was far from enough.
During it all you kept up your facade too well for Paul’s state. It was like you practiced it all when you could not sleep at night, you were polite, composed, like nothing had changed between you. Paul knew you better, of course. He could see through it, see the cracks forming beneath the surface. The bags forming under your eyes, the strain on your smiles, the flickering of your gaze when met by any member of the Atreides family now. You were just as affected by this distance as he was, but you were better at hiding it from everyone but him. It only made him want to reach out more, to break through that wall, to remind you that you didn’t have to carry this alone.
Paul sat beside you at the long wooden table in the dining hall, trying to act as though nothing had changed. The usual hum of formalities and business between his tutors, his mother, and the few remaining nobles blurred into a background buzz. All of it felt irrelevant compared to the tension sitting between you and him. He tried to tell himself the change was not that large, out of all the seats in the room, you were still sat together. 
He sneaked a glance at you from the corner of his eye. You were sitting perfectly still, your posture as composed and graceful as you had been trained to be, eyes downcast as you picked at the meal in front of you. On the surface, you looked calm, indifferent even, but Paul could see it so easily. The way your fingers gripped your knife a little too tight, the way your shoulders tensed as if trying to make yourself smaller, invisible. It’s not the same.
Despite his appetite having long since vanished, Paul tried to take a bite of his food. Beside him, you sipped your water, eyes flicking up just once to meet his before darting away again. The briefest connection, but it hit him like a shockwave. He was desperate for more of you, the real you, not this version that was carefully packaged to meet the standards of the room.
A thought ran through his head and before he could compose himself, Paul’s foot nudged yours lightly under the table. A small, almost childlike gesture. His heart raced, wondering if you would acknowledge it, if you would look at him like you used to. When you glanced his way, a flicker of a smile tugged at the corner of your mouth, a sign that you were still there, but it withered away fast.
You straightened in your seat, breaking eye contact, your attention turning back to your plate. A clear signal that you couldn’t do this, not here. Not now.
Paul’s stomach twisted, and he gripped his fork tighter, his knuckles white against the silver. This wasn’t how it was supposed to be. There had been no distance between you before. You used to laugh together, share inside jokes over dinners like this. You used to sneak glances that said everything without needing words. Now, there was just this unbearable restraint. The longer it stretched on, the more suffocating it became.
He wanted so desperately to just be your best friend again, like when you were younger, when things were simple. When sharing a bed was not plagued by conventions or the expectations of his mother. Back then, it had been about adventure and laughter. Now it was about survival for poor Paul, it was all he needed to secure him. He wanted you to know how much he cared, how much he needed you. 
He remained silent.
When night fell, it became unbearable. Alone in his room, Paul felt the weight of everything pressing down on him—the responsibilities, the expectations, the growing distance between the two of you. Sleep evaded him. Each night felt longer than the last, and the silence of the castle, once comforting, now felt suffocating. 
He thought of you constantly. 
He wondered if you were having nightmares, the way you always did when there were no storms to distract you. You never reacted well to the stillness of nights like this, and Paul knew it. He knew you too well. 
Should I go to her? 
The thought flickered in his mind more than once, the worry gnawing at him more than usual, but something held him back. His mother’s words still lingered in the air between you, but more importantly your words. You asked for space, even if the reasons felt as tragic to him as they did. He could not risk making things worse, could not risk losing you completely by overstepping. Nevertheless, the longer he lay there, staring up at the ceiling, the more unbearable the thought of doing nothing became.
The hours drifted on, whisking away into the night air streaming in through his cracked open window. He had zeroed in on the sound in hopes it could form a lullaby, but to no avail. In the silence of his room, he heard footsteps in the hallway.
Before he could finish thinking, he was up and out of bed, hand on the door. He was fully expecting to open the door and be met with a wall of nothingness, forced to face how truly delerious he was becoming, but the possibility of any other outcome made him throw the door open without hesitation. 
His pounding heart all but lit up as he saw you standing in the doorway, almost hidden in the darkness. Surprise was etched onto your features and your hand was half-raised, presumably to knock on the door. A relieved smile made it onto your lips, and Paul briefly wondered whether you were aware, or if it was instinct. He breathed your name as a silent thank you to whatever forces brought you back to his doorstep.
In the half-shadows, you looked haunted, and he immediately stepped to the side to make room for you to step back into his world. He had been waiting for you. Hoping, somehow, that you would come to him, that you still needed him the way he needed you. 
You slipped inside quietly, and Paul closed the door behind you, sealing the two of you away from everything – his mother, the expectations, the fear that had been building between you for weeks. His chest tightened as he watched you, taking in the way your shoulders tensed, the way your eyes flicked to his like you weren’t sure if you should be here.
Paul had never been more certain of anything. He needed you here. 
As if your muscle memory controlled your actions, you moved toward the bed, and Paul followed hot on your heels, not willing to let you get too far away from him. There were no words, but there didn’t need to be. You both knew what this was. 
As he watched you climb into his bed, Paul felt something settle in his chest, something that had been fraying ever since the distance had started growing between you. He slid in beside you, immediately wrapping his arm as tightly around your waist as viable and pulling you close.
The quiet of his room that had just felt so suffocating now felt like a refuge. You were his anchor, his constant. For the first time in what felt like forever, the world outside didn’t feel so heavy. 
He heard your breathing slow as you nestled against him, your head resting on his chest. Without any real thought behind the action, he buried his nose in your hair and breathed you in, feeling every part of his body that was touching yours. He could feel the tremors in your body start to fade, and with them, the knot of worry that had been coiling tighter and tighter inside him began to loosen.
“Are you okay?” Paul whispered, his voice soft, almost afraid of shattering the moment.
You nodded against him, but Paul could feel the weakness in the movement, could feel the words you did not say. In response he held you tighter, his thumb tracing slow, gentle circles on your arm, offering comfort in the only way he knew how.
“I’m glad you came,” he murmured, his voice so quiet it almost didn’t reach his own ears. He had not realized how much he needed to say it until the words were out. “I wanted to come to you, but—” He trailed off, guilt wracking his mind while trying to somehow silence yours. His hand began to trace up and down your bare arm, needing to feel the warmth of your skin to remind himself that you were real, that this moment was real.
“I know,” you whispered, your voice hoarse with emotion. “I wanted to come sooner.”
Paul didn’t say anything, but his heart ached at the truth in your words. You had wanted to come sooner, but something had kept you back. The same thing that had kept him pacing his room, wondering if he should break the unspoken rules and go to you. Although he had always known, being told that the distance was killing you too felt oddly good.
For a long time, neither of you spoke. The silence between you now felt different, like the quiet after a storm, when the air is charged but peaceful. Paul’s hand drifted up to gently stroke your hair, the motion instinctual, as his other hand held your waist. It was one of the most intimate embraces you had had, and it felt so right, to the point where he did not even question it. He wanted to offer you more than comfort, more than just a place to escape your nightmares. He wanted to give you the world, guaranteed safety. Not just a reprieve or a shelter, but a true home, a good life. But the words weren’t there yet. He didn’t know how to say the way he cared for you, that it was more than just… caring. That you were the only person who had ever made him feel like everything might be okay.
Instead, he whispered, “I’ll always be here. I swear it.” It was close enough for now.
You looked up at him, your eyes meeting his in the dim candlelight, burning low. For a moment, Paul’s breath caught in his throat. He saw everything in that look – your fear, your doubt, your hope. Your care. He craved to kiss you, to close the distance that still felt like it hung between you. Instead, he pressed his lips to the top of your head, a tender, quiet gesture that said everything he couldn’t yet.
Neither of you spoke after that. You simply held each other, the world outside disappearing as you both drifted into a peaceful sleep. Paul finally felt safe.
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ikilledyvette · 12 hours
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(Part II of my seriously condensed 9-1-1 fic is here! Hope people enjoy, even though it's all a bit rushed!)
Part I
Sunday afternoon, Father’s Day. It’s always a hard day for Bobby, but usually, working helps him get through it. Today has been ... worse, and not just for him. Bobby finds Eddie on the couch, staring blankly into nothing. Bobby sits down beside him, a silent invitation to talk. Eddie doesn’t always take him up on it.
Today, Eddie says, “He hasn’t called,” and Bobby reminds him the day isn’t over yet. Eddie asks, “What if he doesn’t call?” and Bobby reminds him about tomorrow, and the day after that, and the day after that. 
“Every day you’re both alive is another chance to make things right,” Bobby says. “Don’t give up on tomorrow just yet, Eddie.”
Buck comes by then, and Eddie takes off to give the two some space. Buck says, “So, I had dinner with my parents the other night.” Bobby asks how it went, and Buck says, “Yeah, not great. They had, uh. A lot to say about me, you know. Going through a gay phase, or something. Wanting attention. Getting too old for, I don’t know. Making stuff up, I guess.”
Bobby nods. Cautiously, he says, “Sounds to me like they still don’t know you very well.”
Buck huffs a quiet laugh. “Yeah. Thing is, everything they said ... it’s all stuff I’ve thought too, you know? Like, I’ve always done stupid things to get people’s attention. Their attention, Tommy’s. Yours. And if ... if what I’m feeling, who I am, is ... is real ... how could I have not known before, right? And I, I do know how I feel about Tommy—I like him so much, Bobby, you don’t even know—”
Bobby knows. Everyone knows. Buck’s joy is not subtle; it shines through him, a thing to behold.
“—but sometimes I still—” Buck breaks off and sighs. “Well, maybe that’s why I reacted so badly last night. Cause sometimes, I worry they’re right.”
“They’re not,” Bobby says immediately.
“How do you know that?”
And Bobby hesitates, not sure Buck is going to want to hear this right now. But still, he says, “Because I know you, kid.”
“Yeah,” Buck says, smiling a little. “You do. Bobby, I’m. I’m sorry.”
“You don’t have to—”
“I do. Cause that night we talked about Tommy? You didn’t ask me to, to explain myself, or suggest maybe I wasn’t thinking things through. You didn’t need me to prove anything. You just accepted it, Tommy and me. You accepted me.” Buck shakes his head. “I told this to Maddie once, but sometimes it’s easier to lash out at the person you know is always going to forgive you. My parents, that’s not them, never will be. But you, uh. You’re safe.”
Bobby swallows a little at that. He wants to be that person for Buck—but Bobby know he isn’t, can’t be. He’s the reason his family is dead; he’s the reason so many people are dead. 
“I know I hurt you,” Bobby says. “If I hadn’t left the way I did, Gerrard would never have been captain, and—”
“You think this is about Gerrard? Maybe you don’t know me as well as you thought.” But Buck’s voice is teasing, lessening the sting. “Yeah, I mean, working under Gerrard was ... rough, for a lot reasons. But that’s not ... Hen was the one mad at you for that.”
Bobby is aware. Hen had forgiven him pretty quickly, but her attitude towards Bobby on his first day back had been ... cool, to say the least. Bobby understands why, had prepared himself for Hen’s anger, potentially Chimney’s, too. They both went through a lot, working under Gerrard the first time around. Bobby had expected them to be upset.
He’s not sure why he hadn’t expected Buck to be.
“I’m not mad about Gerrard,” Buck tells him. “I’m mad that you lied. You—you were saying goodbye all day, only we didn’t know, I didn’t know. And you just—you were just going to leave?”
“I didn’t want—”
“You didn’t want us to change your mind,” Buck says, now visibly upset. “You—you said goodbye, Bobby. I didn’t realize it then, what you were doing, but—if you were gone, if you left, and I could have done something to stop it, stop you from, from—"
And Bobby realizes suddenly that Buck isn’t just talking about Bobby quitting.
“Hey,” Bobby says. “Listen. I’m not going anywhere, okay?”
“For how long?” Buck asks, and it’s not mockery this time. It’s pleading. Anxious. Young. For as much Buck has been through, for as much progress he’s made over the last seven years, Bobby is struck every now and then by how young Buck still is.
“That’s not up to me,” Bobby says and points up, skyward, at the man upstairs. “And listen, Buck, I won’t deny I was ... I was in a pretty dark place a couple of months ago. I should’ve been more honest about that. But I’m here, and I mean to stay here as long as I can. Okay? I’m not going anywhere without a fight, I promise.”
Buck inhales, a deep, shuddery breath, and Bobby hugs him, and Buck hugs Bobby back. 
“I’m sorry,” Buck says again. “I think, maybe. I think I’ve just been really scared.”
Bobby hugs him a little tighter and says, “I’ve got you. I’ve got you, kid.”
Footsteps on the stairs interrupt them a few minutes later. “Not to break up this long overdue moment,” Chimney says, “but Buck, you’ve got another visitor.”
Buck turns with a little dread, expecting his parents and not sure he’s ready to face them just yet—but it’s Maddie. This time, it’s Bobby and Chimney who disappear downstairs to give the Buckley siblings some space.
Maddie tells Buck that their parents are flying home. “I told them to go,” she says. “And not to come back.”
“Chimney told you,” Buck realizes, resigned and more than a little annoyed.
“Of course, he did,” Maddie says. She’s slightly exasperated but mostly worried. “Why didn’t you?” 
She thinks he’ll say something about not wanting to ruin Maddie’s relationship with their parents or Jee Yun’s relationships with her grandparents, and Buck does lead with that. But mostly, Buck’s ashamed of how he petty it was, bringing up Daniel. “I didn’t want you to think that I, I resented him,” he says. “I really don’t, Maddie. He was just a kid, and he never got the chance to grow up and, and I wish I could’ve given him that chance. I wish I could’ve met the person he would’ve become.”
“I know,” Maddie tells him, and reminds him that it’s not his fault; it was never his responsibility to save Daniel. Buck says he doesn’t blame their mom for slapping him after what he said, and Maddie, steely, says, “Well, I do. For that, and also for how they talked to you—no, it’s not okay. What if Jee grows up and realizes she likes both boys and girls someday? I don't want Mom talking to her like that. Do you?"
Buck recoils a little, and Maddie nods. “Would you be okay if Mom ever hit Jee Yun?” she asks. “Even if she said something terrible? Even if she deserved it?”
“She could never deserve it,” Buck says, knowing what Maddie’s doing but unable to keep quiet, not when his sister looks so upset, not with the ghost of Doug so heavy in the air. He hates to think of how many times Doug must have told Maddie that she was to blame for everything he did to her. “But Maddie, I don’t think Mom or Dad would ever—”
“Maybe not,” Maddie says, “but that doesn’t make them safe. They screw up, and they always feel bad about it, but they never really apologize. They never put in the work. They just ... make excuses and expect that we’ll forgive them, but I think I’m done with that now. I’m done with relationships where it’s only my responsibility to try harder, to smooth things over, to say the right thing, to always forgive. Maybe someday, if Mom and Dad actually work on themselves, but for right now ..." Maddie shakes her head. "Enough is enough.”
Buck gets that, he does. But he admits he isn’t sure he’s ready to cut off his parents yet, isn’t sure he wants too. He still wants to keep trying, and Maddie says that’s okay. What matters is, they still have each other. And she won’t try to change his mind if he doesn’t try to change hers.
Buck offers her a pinky swear. Maddie smiles and hooks her finger around his.
*
Meanwhile, downstairs, a phone rings.
“Christopher?” Eddie says, and takes a few steps, turning away from everyone. 
It is Christopher. He calls to wish his dad a happy Father’s Day, but also to say he loves him, and while he’s not quite ready to come home yet, he still wants to come home, and maybe soon.
“I miss you,” Christopher tells him. “I don’t want to miss you anymore. But you have to stop lying to me.”
“I can do that,” Eddie promises.
“And go back to therapy.”
Eddie laughs. “Already on top of that one, bud. Maybe ... we could go together, sometime, when you come home?”
“Yeah,” Christopher says. “I’d like that. I love you, Dad.”
“Love you too, Chris,” Eddie says. He hangs up, takes a breath before turning around, and announces, “Christopher called!" as if everyone—including Maddie and Buck, leaning over the balcony—weren’t badly pretending not to eavesdrop.
Everyone cheers and rushes Eddie. 
“What did I tell you?” Bobby asks him. “What did I tell you?” Hen asks, too, and Eddie says, “Yeah, yeah,” to both of them, with wet eyes and a shaky, hopeful smile.
“This calls for champagne!” Chimney announces. “But since we’re all on duty ... cheap coffee and leftover Ding Dong, Gerrard is Gone cake it is!”
—All in all, it’s the best Father’s Day the 118 has had in a long, long time. 
(And that's it! Apologies, fellow Tommy fans, that he didn’t make it into Part 2—but you know. If Tommy’s at the fire house, who’s flying the plane? Actually, Tommy’s too busy babysitting Jee Yun, and—to both Buck and Chimney’s horror—introducing her to all the worst Star Wars movies. She loves them.)
Tag List @lavenderleahy @v88sy
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mcytshipsandmore · 18 hours
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I desperately miss flower husbands
Like genuinely, I want them back.
I get it, ranchers is funky (/pos) and wholesome and all
But I kind of hate the fact that ppl just like… left flower husbands completely and now ppl call it toxic.
Ik there are still flower husbands shippers out there, obviously, but like… yk what I mean?
And I’ve seen someone say before in refute to the whole “guys it’s a block game, it’s rlly not toxic to hit someone in a BLOCK GAME” saying that: “yeah, it’s a block game, so why did u call them husbands?”
DID YA’LL FORGET THAT SCOTT STARTED IT?? DID YA’LL FORGET THAT SCOTT STARTED THE “husband” PART OF IT?? HAD SCOTT NOT SAID “nope, we’re married now” (or whatever he said idk I’m dying rn ycxtkctixitxt) WHEN JIMMY GAVE HIM THE POPPY WE PROB WOULDNT HAVE CALLED THEM FLOWER HUSBANDS. HAD SCOTT NOT LITERALLY SCREAMED “NOO MY HUSBAND!” WHEN JIMMY DIES FOR THE SECOND TIME, DO U THINK WE WOULD HAVE CALLED THEM HUSBANDS??? DO U??? WE PROBABLY WOULD HAVE CALLED THEM LIKE FLOWER BOYFRIENDS OR SMTH
PLEASEEE PEOPLE STOP CALLING THEM TOXIC I SWEAR TO GOD THEY’RE NOT.
LIKE HAVE YOU SEEN EMPIRES SEASON 1???? HAVE YOU SEEN IT??? THEY’RE SO VGTIDTIERSTIDKDKTDKTDOY
Anyway
Sorry for yapping in ur inbox I was feeling a bit emo
I am currently watching Empires s1 and yeah I agree. It feels like people sometimes mistake Scott’s teasing for bullying.
-🍫
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violetisconfused · 2 days
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Part 2 of ArcherPrince/TelePollo incorrect quotes
Telemachus: Well, Apollo and I finally did it!
Odysseus, Penelope, and Athena: *gasps, shocked expressions, etc.*
Telemachus: That's right... We kissed!
Telemachus: What’s your body count?
Apollo: Do you mean sex or murder?
Telemachus: Two brooooos!
Apollo: Chillin' in a hot tub!
Telemachus: Five feet apart 'cause we're not gay!
Apollo:
Telemachus:
Apollo: *tearing up*
Telemachus: Babe, c'mon...
Apollo: AND HERE YOU REALLY HAD ME THINKING WE HAD SOMETHING.
Telemachus: Babe...
Telemachus: You have to apologize to them Apollo.
Apollo: Fine! But I must warn you that this might make me a better, nicer person and that is NOT the person you fell in love with!
Telemachus: I want you back...
Apollo: 3 words, 8 letters. Say it, and I'm yours.
Telemachus: I got food?
Apollo: ...you know me so well.
Telemachus: I want to kiss you.
Apollo, not paying attention: What?
Telemachus: I said if you die, I wont miss you.
Apollo, with a headache: Advil me up, daddy.
Telemachus: I will short out the language centre of your brain if you say anything like that ever again.
Apollo: You look good in that hoodie.
Telemachus: You know where else I'd look good?
Apollo, zero hesitation: My bed.
Telemachus, at the same time: By your side- wait, what?
Apollo: I think I'm falling for you.
Telemachus: Then get up.
Apollo: When you said 'Magic in Bed', I wasn't expecting this...
Telemachus: *pulls out card from deck* Now, was this your card?
Apollo: Holy moly-
Telemachus: Wow, Apollo, you want to hold my hand before marriage? How awfully lewd of you.
Apollo: We literally slept together yesterday.
Telemachus: That's NOTHING compared to the lewdness of holding hands.
Kidnapper: I have your partner.
Apollo: What? I don't have a partner...
Kidnapper: Then who just called me a lowlife bitch and spit in my face?
Apollo: Oh my god, you have Telemachus.
Telemachus: Hey, wanna take a shower with me?
Apollo: I have a gun in that nightstand beside the bed. If I ever say no to that question, I want you to take it out and shoot me because I’ve obviously gone crazy.
Telemachus: *banging a pen on the table out of frustration*
Apollo: Stop that. How would YOU feel if I banged you on the table?
Telemachus: I—
Telemachus: I don’t know the correct answer to that question.
Telemachus: Being gay is a constant battle between "I wish to sit on a window bench with my lover, our legs tangling as we listen to the birds" and "Hey, let's go throw rocks at fascists" and I think that's very sexy of us.
Apollo: If the window's open and you time it right, you can do both.
Apollo: Okay, but what if we went to dinner not as friends this time?
Telemachus: AS ENEMIES?!
Apollo:
Apollo: Telemachus is playing hard to get.
Apollo: Little do they know, I'm a master at playing hard to get rid of.
Telemachus: Strawberry milk doesn’t taste like strawberry OR milk.
Apollo: Go the fuck to sleep Telemachus.
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writeriguess · 3 days
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part two to the kirishima fic abt pro code plsss 🙏🙏🙏 neeeeddd to see what happens next
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Kirishima spent the rest of the workout trying to shake off the lingering heat from your touch, his mind torn between guilt and the undeniable attraction he felt. As Tetsutetsu rambled on about his next set, Kirishima nodded absentmindedly, his thoughts elsewhere.
What had he just done?
He caught sight of you on the other side of the gym, chatting with a few classmates. You seemed completely at ease, like nothing had happened. Meanwhile, Kirishima’s insides were in turmoil. He glanced at Tetsutetsu, who was still oblivious, and the guilt hit him again, like a punch to the gut.
After the workout, Kirishima grabbed his towel and slung it over his shoulder, forcing a grin as he turned to his friend. “Hey, Tetsutetsu, I’m gonna head out. Catch you later?”
“Yeah, sure thing, man!” Tetsutetsu waved, his usual cheerful self. “We’ll crush it again tomorrow, right?”
“Definitely,” Kirishima replied, his voice tight. He needed to clear his head, and fast.
As he made his way out of the gym, the cool air hit his face, offering little relief from the heat still burning under his skin. He headed toward the dorms, trying to figure out what to do next. He couldn’t just ignore what had happened — but he also couldn’t betray his friend.
Or… had he already?
Lost in thought, Kirishima almost didn’t notice when you appeared beside him. “Kiri,” you called out softly, and he stopped in his tracks, heart pounding once again.
You smiled, that same teasing look in your eyes, but this time, there was something softer about it. “You in a hurry?” you asked, your tone casual, but the tension between you was anything but.
Kirishima rubbed the back of his neck awkwardly. “Uh, no, not really. Just… needed some air, I guess.”
You nodded, stepping closer. “Look, about earlier—”
He cut you off, unable to hold back the flood of guilt that had been building. “I shouldn’t have done that,” he blurted out. “I mean, Tetsutetsu… he likes you. And I can’t—” His voice faltered. “I can’t do that to him.”
You looked at him, your expression unreadable for a moment, before you let out a small sigh. “Kiri, you’re a good guy. I know Tetsutetsu likes me, but… I don’t feel that way about him.” You stepped closer, your gaze locking with his. “But you… I’ve been dropping hints for weeks, and I was starting to think you didn’t notice.”
Kirishima blinked, his heart racing. “You… what?”
You chuckled softly. “Kirishima, I like you.”
His breath caught in his throat. This was everything he’d wanted to hear, but it only made the guilt worse. “But Tetsutetsu—”
“Tetsutetsu’s a great guy, but I can’t force feelings that aren’t there,” you interrupted gently. “And I know you’re worried about hurting him, but don’t you think it’s better if he knows the truth? You’re not responsible for his feelings. He’ll understand.”
Kirishima swallowed hard, torn between what he wanted and what he knew was right. “I don’t want to hurt him.”
“I know,” you said softly. “But you’re only hurting yourself by holding back. And… maybe you’re hurting me, too.”
Those words hit Kirishima like a freight train. The idea that he could be hurting you, even unintentionally, made his chest tighten. He looked into your eyes, saw the sincerity there, and for a moment, the world around him seemed to slow down.
“I don’t want to hurt anyone,” he murmured, his voice low. “But… I don’t know how to fix this.”
You smiled, taking his hand in yours. “We’ll figure it out. Together.”
The warmth of your hand in his sent a shiver through him, and for the first time since this whole mess started, Kirishima felt a sense of calm. He didn’t have all the answers, and things were still complicated, but maybe — just maybe — it didn’t have to be as messy as he feared.
“I’ll talk to Tetsutetsu,” Kirishima said quietly, his resolve strengthening. “I’ll explain everything.”
You nodded, squeezing his hand gently. “That’s all you can do. Just be honest.”
Kirishima took a deep breath, feeling the weight of the situation, but also feeling lighter now that the truth was out in the open. He glanced down at you, a small, genuine smile tugging at his lips. “Thanks. For, uh… being patient with me.”
You grinned, that playful spark returning to your eyes. “Anytime, Kiri. Just don’t keep me waiting too long, okay?”
He chuckled, the tension between you easing into something more comfortable, more natural. “I won’t.”
As you both walked back toward the dorms, Kirishima’s mind was clearer than it had been in days. He still had to face Tetsutetsu, and that wouldn’t be easy, but for the first time, he felt like he could do it.
Because now, he wasn’t just fighting his own feelings. He was fighting for something — someone — worth it.
Requests are open. Send as many as you like.
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rainbowpufflez · 6 months
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Fine, I’ll admit that I like Lysandre 😔
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kavehater · 2 months
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Chappel Roan saying she’s sad she’s demisexual and then there’s me being aroace as a whole like don’t you think I’m even more sad 😭
#not saying she’s not allowed to feel sad at all#just makes me think about myself LOL#I hate being aroace it’s like everyone’s part of a secret club I will never be a part of#and that people don’t tend to understand and if they do they never uphold that fact#like I actually have thrown up before from the concept of being in a relationship because it’s horrifying#and disgusting to me in a practical sense#like I don’t want to throw up every time I start thinking about those things I just want to be normal#and not panic like a relationship sounds like even worse than a death sentence#ppl think aroace is cute and problem free but it’s literally so uncomfortable and inconvenient when you’re in a world which a) doesn’t#understand wth aroace is b) doesn’t respect it at all c) has shit povs on what friendship is and how it can be more fulfilling than somethin#and d) how badly it impacts some ;-; like ik it sounds easy but try telling yourself omg I want to have a forever bestie#but then said forever bestie will never end up truly putting you first because they’d have a partner who will be their number one#and as usual you won’t even be second place you will be last like always#because I’ve noticed that the moment ppl get a partner suddenly they become their forever bestie role and then I can’t have that cause it#freaks me out and disgusts me all at once so I’m literally just cursed with forever feeling lonely and not meaning anywhere near as much to#someone who you wish could even look your way the way you do to them …#honestly by the day these reminders make me feel more and more aplatonic but it’ll simultaneously always feel like a hole in my heart#because apparently being aroace is like being some weird person and some freak#and not in the 𝒻𝓇ℯ𝒶𝓀𝓎 type of connotation LMAO I mean just plain freak#and then that loneliness will always accumulate and accumulate and accumulate until I physically cannot handle it anymore or I take matters#into my own hands and just off with her head to myself LMAO#dora daily#and that is why despite aroace being cool to me it’s just not placed in an environement which makes it cool#as those assholes tend to say oh meh meh meh you never struggled girl … we’re in the 21st century every person in the lgbt community is#living the life dating who they want and being with who they want#but allegedly it is but a crime I can’t like anyone and that nobody fucking listens to me when I say I have an attraction deficit#and that they take it upon their hands to define what I’m attracted to or head canon me as whatever they are#I swear I’m not even fucking worth that shit just leave me alone 😭#I promise like if I was with somebody they will regret the day they were born by being with me LOL I am not all that in fact me being aroace#is saving them from torture ☠️ anyways ! rant over :3
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anmaries · 11 days
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I think about this issue sometimes because she’s soooo quick on her feet. She’s always ready to jump into action and figure out a situation. It makes sense why people like steve rogers keep wanting her to be a leader type; she’s empathetic, she’s smart, and she’s decisive. she knows how to make those split second decisions and she’s all about putting herself in the line of fire to keep everyone else safe (see also: rogue not caring about herself and so the choice of self sacrifice is an easy one if it means saving her loved ones / innocent people)
#I’ve talked about it before and how I’m hesistant just because rogue feels like she can’t do a ‘good’ job being a leader#just because she doesn’t always want to take the high horse route or the by the book route#and she struggles with comparison to the leaders she’s had before because she doesn’t think she can measure up#and yet people still trust her wholeheartedly to lead teams / lead them#because she takes initiative she’s not scared she’s going to go out and get shit down#rogue doesn’t wait around for other people to do things for her#going off subject but like there’s so many instances where rogue gets separated from the group / taken#and she’s like well I’m not going to wait around to be saved#*done not down sorry#BUT SHE IS GOING TO FIGURE OUT A WAY#she’s been in millions of scenarios since she was a girl one of the things she definitely knows how to do is get out of trouble#also get into it but >:)#also her being empathetic is another really big part of her being a good leader#because she cares so deeply she does her best to understand all sides#she’s been on both sides she knows the things that drive people to do bad things#SORRY IM YAPPING#I like when she has the chance to lead her own team#(her picking mystique sabretooth Emma shekjsjsjs)#and she gets to do things the way she sees fit#and if it means breaking a few rules so be it#she’s the daughter of a mutant terrorist she might be reformed but there’s still some ideals#mystique wasn’t always wrong you know#stop erasing her past when she’s said it herself that all her life she’s just been fighting for one group after another#just because the xmen helped her doesn’t mean she agrees with all the takes completely#anyways#I love rogue she’s so cool and she should boss everyone around
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samuraisharkie · 1 year
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ok I genuinely think @is-the-owl-video-cute has gone off the deep end. what makes you act like that on the internet for real. I don’t even have a real stock in this bullshit drama but they are just the most reactionary asshole to people? how can y’all look up to them they are genuinely so immature and pissy. they’ve been throwing a fit over users they personally dislike and using absolutely no proof at all to say they doxxed ppl. there’s like zero proof other than they don’t like them LMAO. can y’all log the fuck off please?? before someone actually gets hurt??
#is-the-owl-video-cute#yeah I’m tagging actually I hope ppl searching for drama see this and get a reality check#I saw that archived link what the actual fucking shit in hell were they thinking typing that?#they arent fucking animal murderers. they don't like the way scout handles their media presence or their farm#but that doesn’t mean they doxxed them and there is zero evidence to suggest as much. they’ve said they didn’t so like. nothing to go on.💀#(frankly also. scout and owlvid should be able to handle criticism and disagreements like normal fucking people#instead of flying off the handle literally every single time. like it’s a pattern)#I think both of them should just log off until they learn to handle this shit in a normal way#and without encouraging their impressionable followers to go on witch-hunts after ppl.#especially bc they don’t like it when it happens to them?? yet they say NOTHING when their followers start harassing ppl?? telling lol#I can’t stand it. y’all aren’t educators and you will never be the end all be all of every opinion you have. stop assuming such.#owlvid has had wildly inaccurate ‘facts’ about rabbits before but acting like they KNOW this shit is infuriating.#I guess I shouldn’t be surprised that every ‘is the x animal cute’ blog has gone to shit and up a creek though#just particularly disappointed in owlvid and scout for the way they’ve handled this#while KNOWING the amount of followers that would swallow their boots all the way their their head if they could#like. cmon. you can say you don’t know enough abt this subject to comment. it’s ok.#and I think scout should be able to handle and address criticisms abt their cows without losing it every single time like#I’ve never met a good farmer that can’t handle criticism for their animals. it’s part of the job you won’t please everyone#and if you are planning on being an educator you have to be able to handle those criticisms with a level head and understanding.#that’s not what owlvid OR scout do. they are influencers on a power trip.#if you want respect you have to give it. not one of the dreaded rabbit people have been disrespectful about their criticism.#it is not so the other way around and that’s telling as hell#the only time I’ve seen these apparently evil sadistic rabbit bloggers make sardonic or disrespectful (I guess?) comments is on their own#and when they’re frustrated about being labeled like they kick puppies for fun for being a fucking normal ass farmer lol#you’d think maybe scout would be able to get that. maybe not so much owlvid bc they don’t seem to understand rural animal care#for the record I’m not looking at any of these blogs involved with scrutinizing detail bc I have better things to do#but I have kept an eye on the situation w scout and animal control being called and how it got twisted into ‘doxxing and swatting’#by high strung ppl who should not have been online#I value my blood pressure too much the urge to just turn off my phone overcomes any desire to look through the drama
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yuribalisms · 1 year
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I need to uproot my entire life and start from scratch or I’m gonna go insane
#‘haha funny joke post’ excpet…. not really#I’m coming to the realization that I am just Not happy where I am and I don’t think that’s gonna change so long as I’m here#and that’s why I keep spiraling into intense depressive episodes when I haven’t done that since I last lived with my mom#part of it is my job I hate it and it’s draining the life out of me and they’re working me into the ground#I literally can’t even take time off because they don’t allow it until you’ve worked there for a year#but also there’s no BETTER job opportunities here#and I finally decided what I want to go school for but also there’s no schools here that offer it…#the closest one is in my home town four hours away as some sick fucking cosmic joke#and I’m so…. so lonely#I feel so disconnected from literally everyone around me#I know my friends care about me and I’m important to them#but again it’s that sense that I will NEVER be the most important thing in their life someone else will always be that#I mean… I’ve never EVER been the most important person to someone before someone else has always mattered more than I have#which especially sucks when I feel like I only know HOW to be close with someone in an extremely obsessive way#where I would do anything for them but that’s not necessarily returned#but… I just think it would be nice to have a relationship with someone where the entire time I’m like ‘yeah but they would never do x thing#for you because they already have a person they would do that for’#(said person usually being a romantic partner)#and I’m just… tired#I’m tired of it and I want it to stop I want to be somewhere I don’t constantly feel like shit and go through frequent periods I wanna kms#and I think I’m gonna have to move for school anyways so…. So what if I really DID just start over somewhere else#I worry I might end up in the same rut but also I’ll never know if I don’t try#and I’m not happy here I don’t think I WILL be happy here I just want to live with/close to someone where I feel like I’m a priority#and my wants and desires are treated like something just as important as theirs#I dunno… maybe I am just in another really bad depressive episode again but….#I feel like I need to change something to avoid falling back to everything and everyone I normally do#kaz rambles
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