#and I've developed bipolar bpd and depression and some other shit

[graveyarrdshift]

every day I wake up and realize I hate my family more than I thought I did the previous day

[mhaccunoval]

beloveddddd [gently cups your face in my hands] tell me about CIFL <3

HI BELOVED <333

your ticket of admission is a kiss on the forehead <3 as i try to remember what developments have been made since i last talked about it on here...

mmm!!! one that's been haunting me lately (i probably won't actually get around to writing it so i'll share it here): i've been thinking about. well it's an intersection of inspiration from mawce by everybody's worried about owen and a troubled mind by noah kahan but. 22/23 year old maggie (pre-transition donny) going to eli (pre-transition ellie)'s college town— based on the a troubled mind lyrics 'i took a bus out to the city where you live / eaves dropped on strangers' conversations with their kids / in hopes that maybe they'd say something relevant / to ease my worried head'— while in a Weird Headspace (even a manic episode, but more on That later). doesn't get a whole hell of a lot out of it, other than more of The Weird Headspace, especially if (he) sees someone who looks vaguely like eli and/or gets spooked by any deep water around (another point to be elaborated). while somewhat Dissociated in the headspace, makes (his) way down to boston, then to new york, has a mini break in a new york hotel room including shaving (his) head. DOES, then, get home safely and shows up at the hurleys' door— the specificity of new york being important because the shaving of the head leads to (his) hat era and the hat (he) got first says NY on it. marian, god bless her, is a bit shocked at first but. she loves (him) like her own so she fixes the rough/uneven patches of hair, makes sure (he's) well-fed/comfortable, defends (him) when Joseph gets a bit prickly about the whole situation (I HAD ACTUAL DIALOGUE BUT I FORGOR; anyway, i'll elaborate on the prickle AS WELL). lets M— who does want to temporarily go by M since part of the break is gender shit— vent where (he) needs to. and. the part i'm gnawing on the most is, in the morning M's like 'hi annie...' and marian's like 'hi peach :)' because!!! dat baby's a fuzzy little peach right now!!! and. and. joseph, coming to made Some acceptance with the situation, puts a ballcap of his on M's head, probably a chicago cubs cap or something...

ELABORATION 1.) usage of 'manic episode' as i always do, i use the phrasing with careful consideration just because. i know it's not verbage to just throw around. and i use it apprehensively here just because i STILL have not determined whether donny is more bipolar or BPD, but i AM leaning BPD more so. probably in part because of pieces of him that are so very me. but i am also NOT ruling out the possibility just because in some scenes in my head, i can see things that could be a manic or could be a depressive episode. POINT BEING I'M STILL DOING MY RESEARCH AND I'M DOING MY RESEARCH AT ALL, I SWEAR.

ELABORATION 2.) fear of deep water something i really need to do is note all the music inspired lore, particularly the noah kahan inspired stuff. ANYHOW. noah's song fear of water inspired the lore that donny's scared of deep dark water, like any dark parts of lake michigan and for sure the ocean. the other side of the coin (because of course it's a coin) being that ellie was a swimmer in middle school / high school after getting over her own fear of water (inspired by 'you used to be scared of the water / you're safe by the side of your father' from glue myself shut). –– E2a.) naturally, there's a scene in my head related to all of this. in The Awkward Period after ellie moves back— another point for elaboration— what really ends the tension, besides hashing it out, is ellie making him face that fear of the water. not quite fear immersion with, like, going into the depths of the ocean, but taking a dunk in the lake, even against donny's better judgment. and grumbling about it just because it doesn't FULLY reduce the anxiety (just staves it) but he also can't fully complain because if following her word means he's regained some of ellie's trust and bond, then by god he'll do it

ELABORATION 3.) joseph prickliness it prickles me to forget the dialogue i had BUT the main subtext behind it is. prior to donny's transition, he's seen like a daughter to both of the hurley parents, so in some part joseph's always prickly about that, not because he doesn't Want a daughter but because he doesn't know how to have one (not that he knows much about having a son or a kid in general, between him & annie having ellie young-er AND his personality). and it's something he admits to ellie after She's transitioned, saying that he Still doesn't know how to have a daughter. BUT at least he's made an effort in both cases and continues to make an effort for his Blood daughter

ELABORATION 4.) The Awkward Period the awkward period is ALSO music inspired but it's more a conglomerate than anything. like the major components are two song inspired scenes i'll explain in a second but. the general notion with The Awkward Period is that it's a span of a couple months after ellie gets back where things are, well, Awkward. she's trying to handle her grief and readjust to being back home (after four years in vermont, four years in philadelphia) with whatever weird grudge she doesn't understand being held by donny as a cherry on top. and donny's still sifting through said grudge, still compartmentalizing his anger. so it's a lot of tension filled stares and cutting words for a minute –– E4a.) the major component is the Funeral stuff inspired by orange juice... which is particularly the first/last verse with the placing of the setting as a party. in my head it's the wake, everyone choosing to drown their sorrows are drinking, cue joseph & ellie in the kitchen, with donny walking in; the tension is thick as donny and ellie look at each other, and ellie, out of sheer politeness, wants to suggest that there's stuff to mix a drink with. only for joseph to interject that there's orange juice in the fridge for non-alcoholic drinking, which confuses ellie slightly but only because she doesn't know that donny's the lyric of 'and i haven't drank in six months / on the dot'. which does irk donny a bit more in stewing since that means his sobriety is yet Another piece of information that's been withheld from her / that she doesn't know and therefore another piece of him that she hasn't known –– E4b.) the other major component is the hashing out scene. which also has some orange juice inspiration but is mainly homesick (and even a hint of new perspective)... so Given homesick, it's set like two months after the funeral, donny coming over to the hurley (now just joseph's) residence to Try to make some amends, at least lure ellie out to talk some, in the VERY least go on a walk. tries to talk a bit, though superficially, about things she's missed while away, but that sours quickly. sours quickly because it easily falters into orange juice's talking of waiting so long for a homecoming that there wasn't a thought to ask where they had gone (but now asking Why they had gone). and more importantly into the fact of '[doesn't ellie] find it strange that [she] just went ahead and carried on? ... the last time [donny] drank [he] was face down passed out there in [her parents'] yard / are [they] all just crows to [her] now? / are [they] all just pulling [her] down?' WHICH. is where it turns into a hashing out because ellie bites back with the fact that her heart and her soul, more importantly her life, have changed— even the city had changed, but Somehow donny had not. and all of this continues the awkwardness and tension since now they've rubbed salt into each other's wounds, as much as they needed to hear what the other had to say (as general fact And for communication's sake)

because of being on my orange juice insanity, i'm thinking about 'you didn't put those bones in the ground' in relation to how it's worked into the story. and i forgot about 'now i'm third in the line-up to your lord and your savior'... BUT I'VE ALREADY SAID TOO MUCH IN ONE SITTING AS IS (and i haven't even touched other parts of the stick season album, like northern attitude and all my love, or anything else noah-turned-inspiration)... but do tell me if you want more insanity <3 i am willing and able to offer <3

[cardiac-arresting-sweetheart]

i'm interested in the book you're writing... tell me more :3

-🎱

eeehehhe i'm happy to share :3 !!!!!,,, i'm glad u asked,, umm okay so .

tw SH, talk of Bad mental health, dark topics, r4pe is mentioned, uhh bigotry

i dunno if i've posted about him before but the main character is named soren harlow (god i'm gonna have to delete this post at some point because i'm sharing a lot of Information here) he's a trans boy with like... these are my guesses: (c-)ptsd, maybe DID or OSDD, panic disorder or generalized anxiety disorder, somewhere on the schizophrenia spectrum, bipolar i, bpd, narcissistic traits, and an eating disorder . he's... quite mentally Unwell lol (just like me real ^_^) and literally the story starts with him Cutting Himself. (interesting hook, azrael...) and then it's... him going to a grocery store and losing his shit . . . !

Anyway. i haven't planned super far ahead though i have a vague vision for the ending; i'm still working on outlining everything. but i know there will be possession and there may already have been possession ... :) . and i have the main like... harmful spirit character planned out in my head already. very excited to introduce em... but it'll be later in the story.

and the other characters um!! they're named florencia and andrew, they're kind of... major assholes at the start of the story, like andrew immediately misgenders soren in a weird like nice guy way HAHAHAHA... it's so bad, i hate both of them at the start, but they'll have development. Oh and florencia calls soren Slurs BYE um. florencia's definitely worse than andrew, andrew's just kinda.... stupid... and ignorant. but they're all depressed as hell. my goal with those two is to make their dynamic so ridiculous that they become tolerable for the comedy relief factor... i hope i can pull it off.

ALSO FLORENCIA IS GENDERFLUID which... is really funny to me, considering she CALLS SOREN SLURS AT THEIR FIRST INTRODUCTION AND HAS A LOT OF .. EXTERNALIZED .. TRANSPHOBIA .. yeah.

i will fix them (through a lot of hard work) i swear. they have to suffer a lot though ^_^ but poor soren (he is doomed by the narrative) . ..

i hope that makes... any sense. ^^; it's fun to talk about yayy

whew that took like ~10 minutes to write my response,,, oops