#and a parent is an authority figure necessary for a child to have but frost does not want an authority figure! she wants to be the authorit

[ntaras]

yeah i think frost views kuai liang kind of like her mom. what about it

[wendyalice-archive]

So I just reblogged a thing and it reminded me that, if y’all don’t know but I think y’all know, fairytales are abuse narratives.

I don’t just mean Cinderella or Snow White, but essentially Toads and Diamonds, Old Mother Frost, Donkeyskin, The Maiden with the Silver Hands, Hansel and Gretel etc., were stories where the main character is severely affected because the step mother (or in actuality the biological mother but the kids shouldn’t know that because THE GRIM BROTHERS WERE COWARDS but even so it’s still a family figure with authority over their child) or the father caused harm to their own children and it’s straight fucked up.

Hell, Bluebeard, The Chicken Bride, and The Robber bridegroom are all essentially the downfalls of marrying your daughters to creepy rich men, THEY COULD HAVE BEEN MURDERED, YOU BAD FUCKING PARENTS.

But these were stories for Children. They still are, even the Disney versions still keep the narrative of abuse from the OG stories to the Revival (Mother Gothel is one the most haunting animated villains for me because she is so real, because she isolated this young girl and made herself this little girl’s whole world and manipulated her through her controlled and warped view of the world and told her repeatedly, throughout her whole life, that “Mother Gothel is the only one who would love you, Rapunzel, and will always ever be the only one who can protect you” while being the very reason she had a lowered sense of self and self worth. The Grimm boys would have written Mother Gothel is what I’m saying, also add Rapunzel to that list of fairytales).

We consider them dark but they’re not, they are real. Bluebeard is not the definition of a fairytale, you can argue that there’s not even any magic in it. But the monster of that story is a twisted, murderous creep and, gee, we have those in spades. The people keeping the girls from being happy in both Toads and Diamonds and Old Mother Frost (BTW same story, different spell) are the step mothers because they hate these girls and make them work like a dog without rest. They’re the villains because they would be our own villains in real life.

But Children deal with that shit all the time and the idea people have to “protect the children” is ridiculous when the kind of shit is mostly centered around and limited to children’s media and not the actual lives of children. I would rather there be scarier media for children if I knew that 100% of those children being scared could run into the arms of someone who loved them and made them feel safe.

Also, the world is scary when you’re a child. Like legitimately scary. I was seven and I remember laying in bed trying to wrap my head around the concept of death, the idea that I wouldn’t come back next time like all the characters in my cartoons, but actual, full, “never coming back from it” death. I remember being afraid of the dark and a closed, closet door because I knew there was something in there.

You don’t have the many, many years of experience of checking under the bed or in the closet or the attic or the basement for a monster and finding nothing at all at the age 5. You don’t have the previous knowledge that you just need to turn on the light and play something light and happy and the scary feeling will go away. You are tiny. You are new to the world and its dangers, and you don’t know the strength of your own two hands. Children like dark stories because their world is like that sometimes, maybe more than half depending on the home life of the child in question, it’s dark and full of powerful, mystic forces that remain as mysterious as they remain deadly.

The most telling and necessary thing about the Coraline story, what started that post and what started this one, was that Coraline doesn’t kill the Other Mother. She wounds her. She takes off her hand and has it thrown down a well where she may eventually die. The Other Mother isn’t killed; the monster is only stopped, not destroyed.

And what children are starting to understand and what makes this so dark for Adults reading, is that that’s more true to life than the stories of people slaying dragons. Monsters live on.

[jaroslavlewis]

30 Kisses: Heiji and Kazuha- Clouds and Sun Ray

30 Kisses: Heiji and Kazuha

First Kiss: Clouds and Sun Ray

Author: Jaroslav Lewis

Fandom: Detective Conan

Theme: #11-gardenia

Summary: It was a day that could've been. She is nothing but a wishful thinking, the most painful 'what if' in their life.

Disclaimer: I don't own Detective Conan or any of Gosho Aoyama's characters. I simply kidnap them when I'm bored and make them binge watch K-dramas with me. Don't worry I make popcorn for them too.

It wouldn't change anything but he did it anyway. It took him a lot of pondering. He didn't want to hurt her by commemorating the day itself. It would only bring up hurtful memories but he figured he couldn't just forget it, even if it did hurt her and even if it did hurt him as well.

It was a day that could have been. It was a day that they patiently and excitedly waited for but never came. It was probably stupid, but he thought it was all the more reason for him to remember that day because it was the least he could do to make up for what he did. She was nothing but a memory short lived, a wishful thinking, their most painful what if.

And so, the first thing he thought of and did that morning was rush to the nearest flower shop to buy gardenias. He picked the white ones because for a very cliché' reason they reminded him of purity and heaven, something he felt that he would easily associate with her. He never got to know her long enough to find more things to associate with her, but he felt it. It was his instinct. He was after all, a part of her just as she could have been a part of his.

He watched the florist arrange the flowers into a nice bouquet and bitterly thought that if that day could have gone as planned, the flowers could have been fancier and would be later sitting on a side table next to a hospital bed where the knocked out, Hattori Kazuha would be resting. But instead, it would later be placed in an empty room, still on a side table but next to a crib without a baby.

He could remember the look on his wife's face when she told him about her. The image of her bright light green eyes and excited but slightly worried smile was painted in his mind, deep within his memory.

It was a Friday night when she told him. He came home from work after solving a nerve-wracking case, one of which, coincidentally, involved the life of child, a little girl of age three named Aya-chan.

It was a mere kidnapping case. He was able to solve it right on time to rescue the young hostage, but it was one of those cases that tested not only his mind as a detective, but also his instinct as a potential parent. Hattori Heiji had been in the crime-solving industry long enough to see the bad and the ugly, the impossible, the unbelievable and the most monstrous kinds of crime man could ever do to their fellow. But one thing he couldn't stand were cases that involved children, especially when their lives are in danger. Other than the fact that the life of an innocent at stake brought more pressure on him as a detective, Heiji hated that criminals could be so cold-hearted to involve young minds in their dirty business.

On the way home, he wondered how he might have felt if it were his kid that was in danger. He knew he'd lose his mind if it happened to him. He could remember the helplessness in Aya-chan's father's face when he begged him to save her. It was an image he could never shrug off of his head.

His mind was still on the case when he entered his residence. It was only when she showed up to greet him that he snapped out from his thoughts. It was her usual greeting that he always looked forward to, after a day's work.

She'd always rush to his arms as soon as she hears him by the door. She'd wrap her arms around his neck and look up at him with a beautiful smile on her face, a smile that would always tell him that she was excited to see him and that she missed him even if it had only been just a few hours that passed that she had not seen him. It was pretty silly since they saw each other every day and they have been together since childhood but he knew, he'd never get tired of her and the familiarity of her that had always felt like home.

"Tough case? She asked, as if reading his mind and he simply nodded as he took off his shoes, placing them on the rack. He then, took off his coat, hanging it by a coat rack just by where he placed his shoes.

"Well, then maybe I have somethin' that would cheer ya' up." She said, excitedly dragging him all the way to their kitchen. He loosened his tie and smiled to himself as he let her drag him.

He was surprised when he found the dining table all set in a fancy way. There were beautifully folded table napkins for the two of them and lighted scented candles as a centerpiece. She even prepared a nice dinner for that night. He had to admit he was pretty impressed with how she managed to do all the work. Kazuha after all, works in the intel division of the Osaka Prefecture Police Department, under her father, Police Chief Criminal Investigator Toyama Ginshiro. Though she didn't get involved much in cases, her work was pretty toxic too. It amazed him how easily she could multitask from being a career woman to being an all-around wife. He also couldn't help but get a little worried at the thought that he might have forgotten about a special occasion. He knew their anniversary wasn't until a few months. It wasn't her birthday. It wasn't his either. Besides, who the hell forgets about their own birthday. Hmmm Kudo of course but he was in no way like him. Well, he was in other ways a lot like him but he certainly wasn't the type to forget his own birthday.

"What's the occasion?" He asked, slightly hoping that the innocent question wouldn't cause her to be angry.

"Oh, nothin'. I just figured, I wanted to do a little somethin'." She simply answered. Although, he could easily read that something was up. He noticed how awfully giddy she was, not to mention the slight flush on her cheeks and the big smile on her face.

"Really?" He asked again, taunting her as he raised an eyebrow. Kazuha giggled adorably as she reached for the bottle of wine and poured an amount to both of their glasses.

"Sometimes I hate the fact that you're an incredibly smart detective." She said, finally giving up as she saw no reason to delay an important announcement. Heiji couldn't help but grin at her little compliment. She actually called him a smart detective. Yep, something was definitely up.

She stood from her seat to approach the refrigerator and take out a box of cake. Heiji immediately noted that she chose his favorite shop after seeing the familiar packaging.

"I was saving the news for dessert, but you read me easily so I figured, what the hell." She said as she placed the box in front of him. "First close your eyes."

"Is it really necessary?" He tried to protest being the stubborn man that he is.

"Oh, just do it and don't spoil the surprise. I'm trying to be romantic here." She scolded and he finally did as he was told. On cue, she opened the box and lit some candles to put on the cake and once she was done she asked him to open his eyes for the surprise in his life.

In front of him was a white-frosted cake with a sparkling candle and a fondant baby cradle on top. Written on it were the words "Congratulations, Daddy Heiji!" in orange and green icing. Heiji was speechless for a moment. He choked a half-sob, half laugh and he turned to her for confirmation.

"I'm a… I'm gonna be a..." He said still in shock and a bit confused but very much happy. Kazuha smiled at him and waited for him to process the news.

"Wait so you're…" He added as he looked from her then down to her belly and then back at her smiling face again. She nodded as she showed him a stick. It had two red lines and he knew it could only mean one thing. He said no more and he stood up to hug her. Tears of joy fell from her eyes as she hugged him back and rested her head on his shoulder.

"I can't believe it. I'm going to be a dad." And he finally said it. He felt stupid for not noticing. For the past few weeks Kazuha had been showing some obvious symptoms. First, her monthly "visitor" failed to "pay a visit" and then there was the morning sickness. Despite having a keen eye for details he never saw it coming, but nevertheless he was glad.

"I'm gonna be a dad…" He repeated making Kazuha laugh. "And you're going to be a mom… And I love you so much…"

"I love you too, Heiji…"

It had only been 8 weeks of pregnancy but the couple had already decided to decorate the baby's room as early as possible. Being the excited parents that they were Heiji and Kazuha had already bought the essentials. The crib was already delivered and had been sitting unassembled, inside a box in their room. It was the weekend and Heiji impulsively decided that it would be a good time to get started on the decorating. Kazuha didn't have the heart to disagree. Though it seemed a little too early, she was psyched about the idea and went on with his plan. The two had a hard time deciding what color would be good for the room, especially since they still had no idea about what the baby's gender would be. In the end they went with pastel green and orange since it was their favorite colors. The two also decided that colors were after all, just colors and that they wanted to raise their kid in an environment where things weren't sort out and stereotyped based on gender. It had them thinking, why did colors have to be categorized anyway? Who the hell came up with green and blue being a boy's color and pink and orange being a girl's color? What's with that bs?

In just a few hours the room was fully painted and Heiji came out of the baby's room with paint stains all over his clothes. Kazuha on the other hand, was left waiting in their own room until the paint dries and until the paint smell was out. Despite her protests, Heiji managed to keep her out of the paint. He didn't want her to absorb the strong chemicals that could be harmful for her and for the baby. Right after the paint had dried, Heiji decided to assemble the crib. When the paint smell was gone, He allowed Kazuha to see the room and add some finishing touches.

Using friendly toxic-free, poster paint, Kazuha painted little details on the wall, an abstract tree right on one of the corners of the room, where the crib would be placed. She also drew a cute squirrel peaking from one of the branches of the tree. She put drew some flowers with intricate details. Heiji was amazed. Kazuha had always been very artistic.

When they were done with the room, they took a few moments to stay in it and appreciate their team effort.

"I bet the baby would like this room a lot." Heiji said, innocently making Kazuha laugh.

"I doubt that the baby would even be old enough to remember how this room would look like." Kazuha pointed out.

"But still. It's a nice room. I bet the baby wouldn't have to worry about monsters under the crib or inside the baby closet or elsewhere…"

Five months and after frequent visits to the doctor, Heiji and Kazuha had found out that they were going to have a baby girl. The two sat on their living room couch sprawled together while looking through Heiji's Ellery Queen books for some odd reason that Kazuha requested him to read one of them to her or to the baby, rather.

"I thought this stuff bores you." Heiji said as he settled the book to the side and scooted closer to his wife holding her against him as they both tried to fit in one small blanket together.

"Well, it still does, but I figured it would be good for the baby. I read in one book that reading is a great way to connect with the baby. Also, I want our baby to be able to recognize your voice so I want you to read to her." She explained sheepishly. "Other than that, I kind of hope that she'd get your intelligence, and your great deductive reasoning skills."

"Really, now?" Heiji chuckled, smiling smuggling to himself, making Kazuha glare playfully at him as she lightly hit his abdomen with her elbow, causing him to yelp.

"Ya' know, even if you're such a detective geek, you're really smart and I want our daughter to be as smart as you are." She admitted as she took one of Heiji's books and leaned closer against him so that she could rest her head on his chest.

"Why'd ya' want her to be as smart as me? You're pretty smart yourself too. Ya' had good grades in Kaiho. Ya' even graduated with honors in college while juggling it with your extra-curricular activities." Heiji opposed.

"Well, still… I'm not a genius, like you are. Besides, I was only a diligent student. You on the other hand, have an eidetic memory. You could ace any test without having to spend too much time studying." Kazuha reasoned, pouting childishly.

"Well, being diligent still beats being smart." Heiji chuckled as he gave her a pat on the head. "Say, you think if she'd have my eidetic memory and your good studying habits she'd beat every kid in school?"

"Maybe. Let's hope she gets our best features."Kazuha said optimistically as she gazed at her protruding belly.

"Yeah. Then she'd have your eyes and she'd look just like you…" Heiji sighed, daydreamingly. "And I wouldn't be able to say no to her. I'd spoil her a lot, I bet…"

"Excuse me, what would you like to put in the card?" The florist asked as she leaned on the counter with a pen on her hand and a plain yellow gift card on the other. Heiji immediately snapped out of his thoughts to turn his attention to her.

"Oh… Please write down, 'For Hattori Elle,'" He requested, letting her name linger for a while as he watched the florist scribble down an impressive calligraphy writing on the card. He figured the name had such a good ring to it. It felt so warm saying it and it stung his heart that he'd never get to go around saying her name more often.

"Is that all?" The florist asked, tapping the pen as she waited for Heiji to continue his message on the card. Heiji paused for a while before he found the right words.

"Our ray of sunshine..."

He and Kazuha decided to name her Elle, after Heiji's favorite mystery novelist, Ellery Queen. Kazuha liked the Western ring to it and that the name was less traditional making it somehow unique in Japan. She also looked up the meaning of the name and found out that it meant "sun ray" in Greek origin.

Just like the sun that she is, the sun that she was supposed to be, she brightened their day with her mere existence, with the mere thought that she'd someday be a little ray of sunshine in their life. But the weather was unpredictable. They never anticipated the storm that would come and take her away, filling their life with nothing but dark clouds.

She couldn't understand why but she felt so off since that morning. She wondered if it was just her unstable hormones, being pregnant and all. She had a heavy feeling in her chest. She couldn't explain it but she felt awfully restless.

There was no logical explanation but Kazuha's instincts had become very accurate as the years passed, especially when it came to Heiji's welfare. It was also one of the reasons why her grip on superstitious beliefs was so strong. Kazuha relied on Omamori so much that she made a matching pair for her and Heiji. And though many have thought of the gesture as silly and cheesy (as Heiji did in the past), for some great "coincidence" the charm seemed to have protected them from harm several times. Kazuha believed, however that those instances weren't just mere coincidences. The Omamori worked for real. It was proven and tested.

That afternoon, Heiji showed up in her office, as promised that they planned to have lunch together. Their plans however were cancelled, as soon as Heiji received a phone call from his father, Police Superintendent Hattori Heizo, asking him to work on a murder case.

"Gomene, Kazuha. I can't have lunch with you today. Something came up and Oyaji wants me to look into a case." Heiji explained with an apologetic look on his face.

"It's okay… I can just have lunch with Otousan, today or Otaki-han." Kazuha said assuringly, though deep down she felt worried.

"Well, I'll see you later, okay?" Heiji bid, leaning closer to her to give her a good bye kiss. His lips softly brushed against her forehead. When he pulled away, he lingered for a moment. He gently tucked her bangs behind her ear and gave her a smile before he proceeded to walk away.

"Umm, Heiji?" She called albeit hesitating for a few seconds. She searched his emerald orbs with her peridots, worriedly as soon as he stopped on his tracks to turn his attention towards her.

"Ne?" He asked nonchalantly.

"Did you bring your Omamori with you?" She asked and he paused for a moment to think.

"Yeah, I remembered I…" He brought his hand to his neck and collar bone area, where he usually wore it as a necklace, only to find it missing. He searched his pocket to and brought out his phone to see if it was hanging as its accessory, but it wasn't there either. He recalled his actions earlier that morning and it struck him that he had accidentally left it inside Elle's Room, when he went there before he and Kazuha took off to work.

"Oh crap." He cursed. Kazuha's heart beat rapidly against her chest, like she was about to have a panic attack. "Ahhh. I forgot it in Elle's room. I went to look for her sonogram picture so I could place it inside, the Omamori pouch, so it'd have yours and hers in it."

Kazuha felt like strangling him for a moment, only to be awfully touched by his intentions. All of a sudden her frustrations subsided, but the uneasy feeling was still there. She sighed, but decided not to make a big deal about it. Stress was bad for the baby and other than that, she knew that Heiji could be a little absent-minded at times because of work.

Being a detective had a lot of dangers. She witnessed it several times. Trouble and death followed Heiji around like a lost puppy and that was the main reason why she wanted him to have his Omamori AT ALL TIMES.

It stressed her out a lot that of all the times he'd have to forget it, it was on that day when she was feeling unexplainably uneasy. Instinctively, she reached for hers and took it off. She tiptoed to reach up to her husband's tall stature and slid the Omamori necklace to his head down to his neck, where it was supposed to be.

"Hey… Ya don't hafta, Kazuha. I'll be fine. Don't you need this more? After all, I'm leaving you here all alone with the baby and..."

"It's no problem. I'll just be here anyway. Besides, Otousan and Otaki-han's going to be here. We'll be fine, Heiji." She assured him before she tiptoed again to plant a chaste kiss on his lips. "We'll see you later, okay?"

Heiji finished the case just in time for dinner and as soon as he and his colleagues have wrapped up, he went straight to pick up Kazuha. His wife was relieved that he was able to come back without being harmed. She figured she might have been just a little paranoid that day and that there was nothing to worry about at all.

She decided to shrug the thought. There was nothing to be worried about. They were going to be fine. Or so she thought.

It turns out, it was too early for her to let her guard down. Her premonition was right after all…

The couple decided to have dinner at their favorite restaurant that served the best Okonomiyaki in the whole of Japan. On the way there, Heiji noticed a black car trailing them. It had been following them around for some time now. He felt tensed, but he didn't want Kazuha to find out. He didn't want her to panic, especially when she's carrying their baby. His grip on the car's steering wheel tightened, thinking that no matter what happens, he was going to protect his wife and their unborn daughter. He decided to speed up a little, hoping to lose the unknown "stalker" but his car went just as fast as he did.

It didn't take too long for Kazuha to notice that something seemed to be bothering Heiji. She glanced at him for a moment and noticed that his knuckles have gone white from gripping the steering wheel to hard. He also looked pretty tense. Panic started to fill her heart.

"Heiji, don't you think we're going a little too fast?" She asked worriedly. He didn't answer as his attention was towards the rare view mirror and the reflection of the mysterious follower by their tail. Heiji grunted as he went faster to lose the other car, but to no avail. He even noticed that it went past by them and slowed down so that it was just beside their car, right by Kazuha's side to be exact. He looked at the car from his peripheral vision. Its windows were heavily tinted.

"Heiji, what's going on?" Kazuha yelped as he sped on. The other car picked up its pace and went closer to theirs, lightly hitting Kazuha's side. "Heiji!"

Heiji immediately took his gun from their car's glove compartment, one which he is allowed to carry for safety and emergencies. Kazuha shook in fear as she watched Heiji grip the steering wheel with his left and the gun with his right. The driver from the other car had had lowered his window. He glanced at the reckless driver to see his face, but he had a cap, a mask and shades on to conceal his identity. The only thing that he could make out was that the dangerous follower is most likely a man who might have been someone he had angered from his cases. He also saw that the man had already pointed a gun towards them. Whether it was him or Kazuha that he was pointing at, he wasn't sure. Heiji felt his left hand freeze in panic.

For someone who wasn't in his situation, it would be easier to say that to shoot first was safer, but Heiji wasn't confident in his aim, other than that, it's more difficult to shoot someone in a moving vehicle especially when he's also operating a moving vehicle of his own. He could save himself and his wife from being shot, but they could die from a car accident. Also, if he fired and then missed, the guy would fire back and worse he could hit Kazuha and the baby.

He lost it, however when the guy started firing at them. He missed. Heiji started firing back, but kept missing as well. A beeping sound filled his ears as he tried to focused on the road and on the crazy guy who was trying to harm him and his family. He could hear Kazuha's faint screams and crying.

The shooting stopped when the guy hit Heiji's wheel, causing it to burst resulting to Heiji losing control of his own vehicle. Heiji's car, sped up and before he knew it, he was slamming to a post. The criminal sped away as soon as he met his victory.

Minutes later, Heiji was awaken by faint sound of paramedics and police cars. He opened his eyes groggily, recalling the events that had transpired. As his eyes slowly adjusted, he spotted a broken dashboard. The faint smell of gasoline filled his nostrils. He felt slightly numb due to his injuries. His head felt damp as he touched it with his hand. He looked and noticed that his blood gushed from his forehead, an injury he got from the impact which caused him to slam his head on the dashboard. He immediately snapped as soon as he realized that Kazuha was with him, sitting on his passenger's seat. He looked at her and noticed that she wasn't looking so good either and probably did worse. She was still unconscious. She had wounds on her face. There was a lot of blood, mostly in between her legs.

He started to forget that he had injuries of his own. He started to fear the worst thing possible. His heart throbbed rapidly in fear as he slowly took her seatbelt off. He lightly tapped her shoulder, as he tried to wake her, but to no avail.

"Kazuha! Oi. Kazuha. Wake up!" He said, almost shouting in panic.

It wasn't long before the police and the paramedics got them out of their crashed car. Paramedics tried to tend to Heiji's wounds, but he fought back, saying that he had to see Kazuha first. He watched as they put her in a stretcher, inside an ambulance.

He found it hard to process what was happening in his surroundings. The sound of the sirens was deafening. There were police everywhere and some reporters.

"I need to see my wife!" He shouted angrily at the paramedic who was trying to calm him down.

"We are doing the best we can, sir but you have to calm down and get your wounds treated." One of the doctors said.

"You don't understand. My wife is badly injured and she… She's pregnant. Our baby-" He shrugged out of one of the nurses' grip and tried to get away. The paramedics held him down and within seconds, he was out.

"Kazuha… Elle… Kami-san…Onegai…" Were the last words he spoke before he drifted to slumber.

As soon as he got home, he set the flowers in one of Kazuha's favorite vases. He poured a little water in it to keep it fresh and stuck the yellow card on the vase with an adhesive tape. He took a few moments to stare at the gardenias for a while. He briefly glanced at his watch and noticed that it was already in the afternoon. He silently thought to himself that at that hour he could have been watching a tired Kazuha in her sleep. Minutes later he could have been sitting next to her groggy, but already awake self as the nurse puts a tiny bundle of joy in her arms. He could've been gazing at their daughter right now and he could have been holding her after Kazuha has had her turn. He could've but he couldn't.

It was supposed to be Baby Elle's birthday. Except, there was no Baby Elle at least, no more. She is now, nothing more but a wishful thinking, the most painful 'what if' in Heiji and Kazuha's life. He lost her and in some sort of way, he kind of lost Kazuha as well.

Long were the nights he spent blaming himself as he lays down on their bed, with Kazuha's side empty. Long were the nights that he'd spray her perfume on her pillows so that he'd get through the day of missing her so badly. She wouldn't sleep beside him anymore. She preferred being left alone, spending most of her days and nights locked up in Elle's room. She wouldn't even talk to him. He figured, he deserved it. It was his fault that Elle was gone. He couldn't protect her. He couldn't protect Kazuha either.

He snapped from his reverie as soon as he heard her footsteps. He figured, Kazuha had finally decided to go out of Elle's room for a while, but he knew she wouldn't be staying too long. She'd only go out when she'd feel a little hungry or thirsty. Right after she's done, she'd go back and lock herself up again.

She showed up clad in her loose pajamas. Her hair was tied up in a tangled messy bun. Her eyes were blank and puffy and dark circles appeared under them. She had been a totally different person since the incident, very far from the bright and cheerful Kazuha that he once knew.

"Hey…" He said, clearing his throat as he greeted her awkwardly. It felt crazy how suddenly, he felt like he was talking to some stranger, when apparently, she's someone he had known for so many years. After the incident, Heiji could never figure out how to approach her. Other than the fact that guilt held him back, Kazuha had been mentally and emotionally unstable for four months now, since the incident. She felt so fragile and he was afraid that any careless move he'd do would cause her to break.

"Do you want anything? I could fix something up for you." He offered when he got no response from her. He watched as she moved past him to get a glass of water. She wouldn't even look at him. She had been avoiding his existence ever since.

After she drank the whole glass of water in one gulp, she turned to go back to Elle's room, but stopped on her tracks when she noticed the vase of Gardenias on the table, in front of her husband. She paused and stared for a while, but said nothing. Heiji watched her actions and felt a little tense. He froze when she looked at him blankly, as if asking for an explanation but was too numb to care that much.

"I hope you don't mind. It's just that I remembered what today's supposed to be." He spoke softly and somewhat carefully as he tried to avoid her cold gaze.

"It doesn't matter. It doesn't change the fact that she's gone. It's not going to bring her back…" She told him with so much bitterness in her voice as she turned her back to him. Heiji watched her walk away. He stared at the vase of gardenias sitting on the table as he listened to her slam the door. He closed his eyes and sighed.

Heiji woke up to the sterile white of a hospital room. Albeit his headache and recurring numbness on some parts of his body, his mind immediately drifted to his wife as her traumatizing, badly injured image flashed on his mind. His eyes searched the room and found his parents sitting by his bed. His worried mother came to hug him, protectively and his father stood by next to her.

"You're finally awake! Do you want anything? How are you feeling? You had us worried, dear." Shizuka spoke as she gently brushed her son's messy hair.

"Toyama and I are working on the case. We've also had some guys helping out. Your detective friend from Tokyo, Kudo came by too, when you were unconscious. He said he'd look into the case too." Heizo informed calmly, but Heiji didn't seem to be processing what his father had just said. His eyes were blank and he was silent for a while.

"Where's Kazuha?" He asked, feeling tensed. He silently prayed that what he feared the most didn't turn out to be. Shizuka and Heizo were both hesitant to respond for a while. Shizuha gently squeezed her son's hand and gave him a sad smile.

"Heiji, Kazuha-chan's okay. She's still unconscious and resting well in the room right next to you. The doctor said she'll be waking up by tomorrow or maybe in a few hours." She responded. Heiji let out a sigh of relief. He could never forgive himself if something had happened to her. He however knew that it was still too early to be jumping for joy. There was another life he had to worry about. "But Heiji…"

And there was the but...

That "but". The indicator that there was apparently bad news after the good news.

"Heiji… We lost the baby… Kazuha-chan had a miscarriage… I'm so sorry, dear…" Shizuka felt so hurt to break the news to him. She knew how it felt. She was after all, a parent. Heiji was in a state of shock as his mother's words echoed in his head. It took a few seconds to register to him and suddenly he felt his fists roll into a tight ball. And then the tears fell.

And though, Heizo wasn't the type of father to be expressive, he knew at that moment his son needed him. He gave his son a light pat on the back.

"I'm sorry, son." He manage to say, though he couldn't find the right words and he knew no words could make Heiji ever feel better. He had lost his daughter and no apology, no sense of empathy, was ever going to bring that back.

A surge of emotions went through Heiji. He was hurt, he was mourning for his loss and most of all he was angry, with the man who hurt his family but mostly, with himself. He started to punch the bed and the rails by his side, his knuckles went numb and then he started beating himself, crying and screaming. Heizo tried to hold him down and Shizuka wrapped his arms around her son.

"Heiji, please calm down…" Shizuka begged as she hugged him tight. Heizo held his son's bleeding fists. Soon Heiji's crying slowly subsided and he started to calm down.

"I need to see her." He said. His tone was cold and his eyes were blank and lifeless. Shizuka hesitated, but she knew Heiji needed to see his wife. She loosened her hold around him and nodded. She and her husband held their son up and together they went to Kazuha's room and found her sleeping in her bed. The Toyamas were pretty restless too. Shizuka went to hug Kazuha's mother, her longtime friend. As mothers, they both knew the pain. Kazuha carried Elle for 5 months, looking ahead of a great future with her child, and now it was taken away from her…

"She still hasn't woken up…" Ginshiro said as he stroked his daughter's hair. His expression was sad as he stared at Kazuha's wounds and bruises. Even if Kazuha had grown up and had started a new life with his pal's boy, in the end she was still his little girl. He felt hurt seeing her in such state.

Heiji slowly walked towards his father-in-law who acknowledged his presence. Ginshiro gave the young detective a light pat on the back before he left her with his wife. He also took his wife and Heiji's parents with him to give the couple some privacy. Heiji sat on a chair by Kazuha's bed. He slowly and hesitantly reached to stroke her hair, carefully touching her as she seemed so fragile. He then reached to hold her soft hand in his and then brought it to his lips, kissing it gingerly. And then he choked on a sob. He struggled with his breathing as he tried to stop himself from crying again, only to be betrayed by his rebellious tears.

"I'm sorry, Kazuha… I'm sorry…" He whispered over and over again, until he got tired and fell asleep.

He stayed by her side until she woke up. He waited painstakingly and patiently until she opened her eyes and found him sitting by her bed as he held her hand. Her eyes slowly adjusted to her surroundings. Her head ached and she noticed that she had an iv stuck to her arm. Her body was sore and she had bandages and gauze all over her.

"Heiji…" She said as she tried to sit up straight. Heiji stood to help adjust her pillows so that she could be comfortable.

"Hey…" He greeted her. "You finally woke up…"

She didn't respond as she took a few moments to stare at his face. He had bruises too, but she was relieved that he was okay and then she felt a heavy feeling in her chest. As if she had lost something…

And then she remembered…

"Heiji, how's Elle-chan?" She asked as she looked into his eyes. Heiji paused for a moment as he sat down. He didn't know where to start. It broke his heart that Kazuha was badly injured and the first thing that popped into her mind was Elle's safety. She had completely forgotten about herself because she cared about the baby's life, more than her own. Heiji knew right then and there that Kazuha was so much ready to be a mother and it broke his heart that that chance was taken from her.

"Heiji… Did something happen to our daughter?" She asked again, her tone briefly rose as soon as she received no response from him.

"Kazuha… Kazuha, listen to me, okay?" He said as he cupped her face in his hands. He stroked her hair lightly and held both of her hands in his. He squeezed them tightly as he looked into her eyes. Tears were already forming at the corners. She knew his tone. It wasn't gonna be good. She felt it, but she still hoped.

"Kazuha… Elle is… Elle is gone. We lost her… I'm sorry." He said, remorsefully and she broke down in tears. He sat on her bed, by her side and held her tight. She cried and screamed and thrashed. She hit his chest and tried to push him away. He hushed at her as he held her in his arms and tried to stop her from hurting herself.

"No… She's not gone." She kept saying, still in her denial state. "She's not gone. You're lying!"

Tears flowed endlessly from her eyes, soaking Heiji's T-shirt. Eventually she got tired from getting away from Heiji. His embrace loosened as her loud cries turned into quiet sniffles.

"I'm sorry… I'm sorry…" He said repeatedly, though he knew his apology never mattered. His hugs wouldn't make the pain go away. There was nothing he could do to reverse the time. He could never bring Elle back. At that moment, Heiji wished he was the one who had died.

And for months now, he had been slowly dying, but probably not as much as Kazuha had been.

Heiji juggled work, taking care of Kazuha and solving the case regarding the assault done to both of them. It was hard for him, but he figured it could be his own way of coping and of healing. He needed to keep himself busy and distracted so that he'd forget about his loneliness. He vented all his anger and frustrations to capturing their assailant. He swore to make him pay.

The family made sure that Kazuha had all the help she could get. They took her to a psychiatrist regularly and signed her up for a support group. But depression, was crippling. Kazuha barely showed any improvement and got even worse with each day that passed.

It had come to the point of self-harm. Heiji found her inside their bathroom, lying almost lifelessly on the floor next to a pool of blood. Next to the pool of blood was a bloody box cutter. She had bloody lines on her left wrist. Kazuha almost died due to blood loss. If Heiji had not come on time, he would have lost her.

It was hard for him, but he knew that they had to solve the problem together. Kazuha hadn't spoken to him since the miscarriage. Heiji, in some sort of way, avoided her as well to escape conflict. Though he always checked up on her, he always felt too guilty to be around her that much. He also decided to give her some space. But after seeing her remnants of self-harm, he knew he couldn't run away from their problems. He knew she needed him and it was time that he focused on her more.

"Why?" He asked as he sat in front of her and stared at her carefully bandaged wrist. It was probably a stupid question, but he knew they had to talk about it. Kazuha stared into blank space and did not give him any response.

"Let's talk about it, Kazuha. Tell me everything. You want to punch me? Scream at me? Go ahead. Just… Just don't hurt yourself. Do you understand? Don't do this again." He said, controlling his tone, trying to be gentle with her as possible. He touched her shoulder and she shrugged his hand off of her angrily.

"You wouldn't understand." She mumbled under her breath. She avoided his gaze as she spoke. She clenched her fist tight and soon tears fell from her eyes again.

Heiji tried to wipe her tears away, but she swatted his hand off.

"You didn't carry her for five months! You never loved her as much as I did!" She shouted, accusingly at him. She looked at him with so much hate, an image that had been tattooed in Heiji's mind permanently.

Heiji felt a surge of emotions rush through him. His chest hurt as her words rang in his ears. He didn't show it, but he was mourning as well. And it hurt him that Kazuha had accused him of not loving Elle when in fact, she meant the whole world to him.

"Now, you're just being unfair, Kazuha. You know that's not true." He argued, slightly losing control of the situation as his emotions messed with his mind. He let out an exhausted sigh as he tried to regain composure. He didn't want it to end badly with her especially when she was in such state.

"Look… I'm working on the case, okay? I'm trying to figure out who did it, so-"

"And there you go again…" She chuckled bitterly and sarcastically as she cut him off. "It's always the cases, right Heiji? Because being a detective is so important to you, ne, Heiji? If you hadn't been a detective, this wouldn't have happened. If you loved Elle more than your job, she would still be with us. The man wouldn't have targeted you and me. The accident wouldn't have happened."

Heiji's throat dried upon her response. She looked him at him straight in the eye. Her expression was cold.

"It's your fault she's gone. You killed her."

Her words stabbed his heart like knives. In the end, no matter how much Heiji tried to look at it, Kazuha was right. Being a detective, Heiji had successfully served many civilians but as a husband and father, he was a failure. He couldn't save his own daughter and he couldn't save his own wife from slowly dying inside. What was the point of being a detective when he couldn't even protect his own family?

Heiji decided to draw the line. He quit his job as a detective. It was the toughest decision he had to make and it shocked many of his colleagues. The news became very controversial and spread all over Japan like wild fire. Heiji still worked in the headquarters, taking calls from the emergency hotline and fixing reports on criminal cases. But that was it. He didn't get involved in cases anymore. It gave him more time to look after Kazuha as well. He took all sharp objects and anything she could use to hurt herself away from her. He also made sure that someone looked after her when he's at work.

He had handed his case to his father, father-in-law and Otaki-han. He also asked for Kudo's help. Though Shinichi was disappointed with his resignation, in the end he understood and respected his decision. Ran also offered to represent him and Kazuha in court as their lawyer.

It took some time, but they were able to track the assailant. It turns out the guy was the brother of one of the criminals Heiji sent to jail. He wanted revenge and he got it. The guy was sent to jail. Heiji and Kazuha got justice for Elle's death but it didn't make everything better. It didn't bring back Elle. It didn't make Kazuha better and it didn't save Heiji from breaking with each day that passed.

Heiji shortly followed Kazuha to Elle's room so that he can place the flowers on Elle's little side table drawer. He was surprised to find the door unlocked. Kazuha would normally lock it so she was alone. He decided to knock before entering either way. She didn't respond and so he let himself in. He found her standing by the crib as she looked at Elle's framed sonogram which she held in her hand. She looked at him briefly to acknowledge his presence but immediately looked away as she met his gaze.

"I'll just put these here and be on my way out." He said, as if asking for permission.

"Do what you want." She mumbled as she turned her back to him and tiptoed to reach the mobile toy hanging right above Elle's crib. She gently turned the key right on the middle part of the hanging toy so that it would rotate and play soft lullaby music. He walked past her and went straight to the side table drawer to place the vase there.

He stood for a moment to gaze at his wife who was absentmindedly listening to the lullaby music as she stared at Elle's sonogram and gingerly touched it with her fingers. His body moved on its own as he walked towards her. He stood right behind her before he slowly wrapped his arms around her waist, giving her a tight, needy back hug. Kazuha was taken aback. She froze and tensed, but she didn't push him a way. He Rested his chin on her shoulder and then he let out a soft, remorseful sigh. He inhaled her familiar scent of lavender. He missed her. He missed holding her and so he held her tighter, relishing the moment before it all ended, before she could push him away. He noticed that she lost a lot of weight and it worried him. She felt so fragile under his touch and it scared him.

Kazuha felt uneasy, but she felt that she didn't want to push him away. She moved a little, to get a little comfortable, but Heiji spoke.

"Just give me a few minutes." He begged. "Just let me hold you for just a short while. Just this once, Kazuha…"

She listened and let him hold her. She felt a feeling of warmth and security she hadn't felt for the past few months that she had avoided him. She refused to admit, but she missed him just as much. Suddenly, all the hurt and anger started to subside. It was a different feeling, but it made her feel less heavy, like a part of her heaping emotional baggage had been discarded. Soon, she felt him rest his forehead on her shoulder. Her shirt sleeve was then soaked with his tears.

"I know I have no right, but I miss her a lot today. I miss her every day." He said, choking on his tears. Though she couldn't see him, she could tell that he was crying. He was just as broken as she was and though he tried to hide it and showed off a strong façade, he was hurting too.

For the past four months, Heiji and Kazuha's relationship had been falling apart and in some sort of way, Heiji had been trying to hold it together. He had been holding on even if she had somehow, already let go. He reached out to her so many times, but she pushed him away every time. But though she acted coldly towards him, she remembered all his efforts. Like all those times he secretly sneaked into Elle's room while she was sleeping and put a blanket on her. Kazuha knew and in some sort of way, though she never showed it, appreciated it.

"I know I'm not your favorite person right now, but I want you to know that I'm gonna wait until you forgive me, until you learn to love me again no matter how long it takes." He said before planting a soft kiss on top of her head. He slowly loosened his embrace and let her go. He turned to leave her but just as he was about to walk towards the door, she placed the frame of Elle's sonogram inside the crib and turned to hold him. This time, she was the one giving him a back hug.

"Ahou." She spoke. It had been so long since she had addressed him with their mutual pet name for each other. It sent a feeling of nostalgia towards both of them. She rested her forehead on his nape. Hot tears fell from her eyes and soaked the back of his shirt's collar. "I never stopped loving you, Heiji…"

It had also been so long since she had said his name. Kazuha figured she loved and missed the way his name rolls off her lips and Heiji felt the same way. He lifted his hand to touch the back of hers as he stood and let her hold him. He missed the warmth of her body against him. His heart felt more alive than ever.

"It's just that when she left, it felt like she took my heart with her. I was hurting, Heiji. I'm sorry. I felt so empty." She sobbed. Heiji decided to gently shrug off of her embrace to face her. He lifted her chin and looked into her tearful peridot orbs. She looked into his and noticed that he had been crying as well, an image of him she never saw every day. He looked more vulnerable and imperfect in his state, but she saw a side of him that reminded her that he was also human. Heiji always seemed so strong to her. Even when they were kids, she never once saw him cry. It made her forget that he was also capable of falling and breaking.

"I wanted her too. I wanted her so much, Kazuha. I loved her too, ya' know…" He said and she nodded, regretfully.

"I know, Heiji. I know. I'm sorry." It was her turn to wipe his tears. "I was a mess. I'm sorry I hurt you. I know I can't take back what I said, but I never meant to say it. I just… I was so angry with the world, with everyone. I was so absorbed in the pain I felt I never realized, you were hurting too."

Heiji smiled softly and shook his head. He took her in his arms and embraced her longingly. She rested her head on his chest and returned his embrace. She inhaled the smell of gardenias that had stuck to him when he had brought the flowers and arranged them on the vase. It mixed with his familiar scent that she loved and missed so much.

"Can we start over again, Heiji?" She asked as she pulled away to look at him. He brushed her hair with his fingers and nodded. Just like that all hurt, anger and emptiness subsided.

"I'd love that." He replied softly before he leaned in to brush his lips softly against hers. His kiss was gentle but in some way needy and longing. She returned his kiss with the same level of need. She missed him and he missed her. Hurt made them forget, but slowly, time let them heal and remember how much they loved each other.

The gardenias lay in Elle's room, soon to wither and collect dust as time passed. But Heiji and Kazuha's love rose and grew stronger than ever. Though the flowers lay forgotten in the dark corner of a baby room, Elle's memory, though short-lived remained in Heiji and Kazuha's hearts forever.

AN: Okay, I don't know if people still do these LJ challenges, but I wanted to try it and phew! This took really long to write. I remember my first KazuHei One Shot was really long, about 6000k+ words. I never expected this one to be much longer than the first (Check out "Beneath Cherry Blossoms in Sannouzi Temple"). Again, I'm sorry if this was way too long to be a one shot and I'm sorry if I bored you! TT_TT I've always wanted to write a scenario in which we'd see a more vulnerable Heiji. He and Shinichi were always portrayed strongly in the series. They always felt invincible and there were only rare instances where you'd see them break down a little. I wanted to do something that would incorporated more of Heiji's emotions as a human instead of a detective. In some sort of way, this is how I pictured Heiji falling. IDK if it felt OOC to you guys, but I wanted to capture his and Kazuha's emotions. That's why I wrote from the part where they were a happy couple to slowly transition to the dark parts in the present. I also did this to show you guys how much Heiji and Kazuha wanted the baby in their lives, hence the situation. IDK if I made it clear.

You guys might be wondering how I came up with the name Elle for KazuHei's daughter. So here's the explanation: I'm one of the people in the DC fandom that has joined the bandwagon of naming Shinichi and Ran's future son, Conan and I figured if ShinRan would get to name their kid after Shinichi's favorite writer, I think Heiji should get to name his kid after Ellery Queen. Hahaha Weird right?

Anyway, I hope that I was able to present the theme well in this one shot. I'm also sorry if this one felt too heavy to be my opening story to my 30 Kisses version of Heiji and Kazuha, I promise that I'd make happier and lighter ones in the future. I hope you guys support me in this. Thank you for reading and please feel free to tell me what you think about this fanfic!

With love,

~J