#and also just rampant adhd and a draining job

[writeouswriter]

[ID: Two panel meme template of a man labelled "Me every single day," standing before 3 doors labelled, 1. "Work already in progress." 2. "Work already in progress," and 3. "New idea," with the second panel showing the man immediately kicking down the third door. End ID]

[captainoftheseaqueen]

I can't believe I turn 26 tomorrow. My twenties are over half gone and I've gotten nowhere.

I've had four "real" jobs. I worked at a sports bar in vegas for a year and a half. I did two haunted houses. I'm now in marketing to collect info. I have attempted art and crafts but haven't gotten far because I'm just bad at wrangling myself. And only recently I've learned that its probably ADHD. I am 26 and only learning something that's kind of a huge deal. The past few weeks I have been able to focus and get caught up things, and while I'm glad, I'm also angry.

I spent so long, since I was a kid, thinking I was just...crap at being a person. I couldn't focus, I got in trouble for doodling in class which was literally the only way to focus, or leg bouncing, and it was so much harder than people said it was supposed to be. I started failing classes because studying was too draining to manage with everything else. College became an impossibility. I actually asked my high school principal if I could take a lap year (a fifth year in high school that happens in rare circumstances) because my academics were screwed and the counselors had never even given me an opportunity to ask about my future, and I wanted the time to try and salvage what I could. I didn't get it, obviously. Nor any help. And no teachers ever noticed something was wrong beyond failing grades. But they were overwhelmed and underpaid public school teachers. I don't blame them. I'm just irritated by all that time I thought I was a freak because I couldn't function in school right.

And then I spent years caring for family members, which is a factor in why my resume is so bare. My anxiety, and fear of what might happen if I wasn't there ran rampant, as well as RSD if it was even hinted that I wasn't enough or doing enough. I got suicidal.

I found out I probably have ADHD. I saw my gp the other day, and he agreed, and encouraged me to see a psychiatrist. And it explains so much. But I just...

I am so angry about all that time I lost. I am so mad about all that time that I could have put to better use if someone had figured it out sooner. Maybe I wouldn't be much further along, but I wouldn't have thought I was broken. I wouldn't have been hating myself with no idea why.

I'm 26 tomorrow, I've gotten nowhere, and only just learning it is in part because my brain really doesn't work like it should, and I'm just angry because if I'd known, maybe I could have learned to work with it.

Instead, I wasted 26 years, feeling like I can't dig myself out of this hole.

Happy fucking birthday to me.