#and also taako mentions some times that they died before story and song (so they dont count)

[barryjeanblues]

taako meets death (again)

(also posted to my ao3)

taako has met two raven queens in his life before now.

well, close enough, at least. most - though not all - of the worlds the starblaster had traveled to had gods, and surprisingly enough, those gods were usually - though not always - strikingly similar to their homeworlds gods. (this was useful, because one of the crews number relied very heavily on a certain nature god for his magic. luckily, the nature or life god of each world always seemed to have a soft spot for little old merle, even if they werent merles traditional cloven-hoofed pan.)

twice, taako had met the death god - someone equivalent to faeruns raven queen. 

this had led to taakos understandable trepidation upon kravitz finally putting his foot down and insisting taako meet his mother boss. 

the first time taako had met a raven queen, she had been… overwhelming. the light of creation had fallen into a forest dedicated to her and her followers, and the head acolyte refused to give the wandering crew the light unless they first received permission from the queen.

the crew had agreed, with no other option, bracing themselves to firmly explain the direness of the situation. surely a goddess would be intelligent enough to understand. 

that raven queen had burst into a forest cleaning in an explosion of black feathers, half illusion, half steel, so that when lup brushed the smoky feathers from her eyes they blurred and dissipated, but when magnus tried the same thing he yelped and brought his hand back bleeding. 

that raven queens laughter had been eerie and echoing, almost but not quite mocking, almost but not quite infectious, almost but not quite joyous. the crew had stood firm and offered their argument, and the queen had given them tests and tokens and bargains and tricky promises with too many clauses and loopholes and at the end of it all the ipres numbers had been halved and the rest were weary and worn as they caught the light of creation and fled with only minutes to spare, the faelike laughter of death following them terribly even through the overwhelming cacophony of the hungers assault. 

that laughter had trailed after them longer, if only in their heads. taako would be making stir fry, planning outfits, swapping merles shampoo for hair-loss potions, when hed have to sit down suddenly and breathe through the musical trills of the raven queens cruel pleasure. it had seemed to bounce in his head the way a rubber ball might, ricocheting off thoughts and feelings until it rolled under a couch to be forgotten about, till some slight movement sent it rolling and bouncing about once more. 

davenport had died in an illusion, thinking he was saving his crew. poor merle had been choked by his own plants, betrayal writ across hos face. barrys skin had grown sickly purple with poison - ten to one odds arent very good odds. taako doesnt forget easily. he decides the goddess of death can go fuck herself. 

the second raven queen taako had met much later in their journey, and taako had met her alone. 

lup and barry had become liches a few cycles back. it was something taako had still been coming to terms with. 

taako loves lup. this is an immutable fact of any and every universe. taako loves lup and lup loves taako and not death or memory or space can separate them, not for long. but seeing your sister die, and then… go beyond death, to twist herself and latch on to a chance that she may never return except in madness and spite - thats a hard thing to grasp, even when she succeeds. taako had still found himself shivering when his sister forgot she had a body again and grabbed a hot pan off the stove, crying out in pain. taako still woke sweating from nightmares in which his sister and his friend flew apart and reformed as cackling red robed horrors of insanity and cruelty, too far for him to reach. 

until that cycle, though, barry and lups choice had only been an asset. 

but some raven queens do not take kindly to anything they see as a perversion of their domain. 

barely a week into that cycle, taako had awoken from the guilty non-elven pleasure of a nap only to find himself in some cold, hard court, fashioned seemingly of steel and silver and concrete, onyx lining the floor and the only color coming from sparse sapphires sparkled throughout the long echoing hall. 

at the end of it - and taako had known his eyes must have played tricks on him, because at first the being at the end of the hall seemed, while large, not much larger than a giant, but when hed called a nervous greeting his voice had echoed so awfully he knew the hall stretched much farther than hed thought and the goddess at the end of it must have been unimaginably huge. 

her eyes had glinted a flinty sapphire in her carven steel face when she ordered him to defend the existence of his sister and his sisters lover. 

taako had tried. he truly, truly had. but while taako is a being of preservation and caution, full of intelligence and cleverness, he is not one of cold hard logic. perhaps lucretia could have convinced this raven queen, the only of their number who had ever been able to grasp true hard reason… but taako doubts it. he had doubted it then and he doubts it even more these days. 

the point is, taako, for all his love for his family and his brilliant wit and devotion (probably, in fact, because of it) taakos arguments couldnt convince that raven queen. she saw past his genuine belief that lup and barry had made a good decision, and into his fears for her, and the goddess of death had based her own argument on those. she won. taako never had a chance. 

he, lup, and barry had woken up in the next cycle, newly resurrected. taako never stops feeling guilty about it. 

so. yes. 

taako is more than a little nervous about meeting the goddess his boyfriend serves so devotedly. but, and youd be hard pressed to convince him to admit it, taako would do anything for kravitz. and despite it all he does actually want to see what the deal is with his sister and his best friends boss, and his patron gods… friend? lover? girlfriend? taako isnt quite sure what fate and death are to each other, but its definitely something.

kravitz lays a warm hand on taakos shoulder, but taako squares them up. he can do this, for fucks sake - hes died a shitton of times, he can meet death. 

the doors open and taakos breath - the only breath in this realm of the dead - catches in his throat.

taako is a die hard istus fan, and shell always be his goddess. but if taako wasnt a taken elf, hed follow the raven queen, he realizes with a startle.

shes beautiful, yes. shes gorgeous, and taakos always been weak for beauty, but hers isnt the cold hard beauty of gemstones and gold, thinks his nimble fingers snatch up and hoard in his endless pockets. the raven queen is beautiful in a way that taako cant describe as anything other than simple.

he cant pin down any features. she has a kind face, gentle hands, bright eyes, but taako can tell she is a goddess because despite staying still the image of her flicks and shifts in his head. at once she seems to have every kind face hes ever seen, even if he doesnt recognize anyone. her hands reach out to comfort him - no more than comfort - but she stands without moving in front of taako and kravitz. her eyes glitter and sparkle and crinkle up with cheerful laughter, except taako isnt entirely sure she has eyes at all, or maybe she has too many. 

he thinks… he thinks maybe she has wings, or maybe theyre arms, or maybe theyre black fabric, draped around and behind and below and above her, shifting with the last breaths of every mortal in the universe. its darkness but its not scary, taako realizes, its solacing, healing, the way that he feels when dusk passes to night and the sky is huge and warm and the brush of lups hand against his as she says goodbye for the night is a relief and a love. 

hello, taako, death says. its lovely to meet you. 

she means it, taako knows. he can tell, somehow. shes just happy to meet him. nothing more, nothing less. 

'oh,' taako says aloud, and kravitz laughs his quiet sweet dorky laugh, and the raven queen laughs too, and its just that. its just a laugh, and its a nice one.

'oh indeed,' kravitz says. 'taako, did you really think id serve a monster or a cruel master?'

'well,' taako replies hesitantly, 'honestly, homie, i kind of thought you were, and id, like, have to start some quest to slay death itself and rescue you.'

the anthropomorphic personification of death laughs again, a note of delight in her tender voice. i like him, my kravitz, she says, good job.

kravitz does the dead-reaper equivalent of blushing. taako grins a little because its very cute. 

'death is different here,' taako hums. 'its… it wasnt like this anywhere else i went. it was cold, or cruel, or empty. i dunno why its different in your world.'

'then i guess we're the lucky ones, huh?' kravitz asks. taako leans up against him and murmurs an agreement. 'its why i love my job so much, why it means so much to me. its not that im some hardass, i just…'

'yea, cha'boy gets it now,' assures taako. 'still.' he looks at the ever-shifting, ever-stable face of death again. 'you better treat my boy kravitz and my lady istus well, capiche? or we will have issues.'

its a deal, taako, the raven queen says, smiling. 

when taako opens his eyes, hes in his home in the material plane, and kravitz is next to him, and theyre both smiling. 

[rockindragonz]

Just Like Him

Written for @itsstilllyou for the 2018 TaZ Queer Candlenights Gift Exchange!  <3 :D

Words: 3079

Summary: Angus is used to the stares at this point. He doesn't like them, but he's used to them. He's never seen anyone else like him until he sees Taako for the first time.  AKA a little boy imprints on our favorite meme wizard.

Ao3

Time and time again, Angus McDonald found himself in situations  like the one he is currently dealing with.  People around him who don't know him, can't see him, won't talk to him, or just ignore his existence altogether.  Honestly, it was no longer a bother to him, it was simply an inconvenience for a detective.  The train had proved to be a great means to an end and there were very few people aboard the train which made it easier to deal with the stares they sometimes shot him.  He will admit to himself that the stares are the worst part of his situation.  No matter how masculine he may dress, how short he may cut his curly hair, how low he keeps his golf hat, people could always only see 'female’ when they look at him.  It was frustrating knowing that they see him as one thing when he is absolutely another.

*

When he saw Taako get on the train in all of his long blonde, wizardly glory, it was shocking for the young boy.  This man was dressed in feminine clothing, had a very high pitched voice, and was almost certainly mistaken for a woman all the time, yet he had such an air of confidence about him that people were staring at him in a different way than they looked at Angus - in awe.  Something was fishy about the three travellers, but Angus found himself wanting to speak with the man if only to confirm his suspicions that he was just like him.  They approached him first, trying to act discreet about what was obviously supposed to be an undercover mission but they were failing horribly.

The mystery of the train prevented him from asking Taako outright, but he knew, if only in the way he carried himself.  There was the confidence, the suave nature, and the natural charm, but there was also the quiet self doubt, the mind that was thinking five steps ahead of his companions, and the hesitation every time he spoke.  Angus had known Taako for only a few hours, but he already knew with 100% certainty that Taako was just as trans as him.

*

Angus’ decision to join the Bureau of Balance was spurred by multiple instances.  Of course there was his investigation into the disappearances, but if he hadn't been told that the trio he had met on the Rockport Limited were part of the B.o.B. he probably wouldn't have seriously considered it.  In fact, he most likely would have refused due to not wanting it to be a conflict of interest that could harm his detective work.  But here he is.  Since joining the Bureau, he had felt safer and more at home than anywhere else in the world.  No one ever stared at him, no one gave his feminine pitch any second thoughts, no one even winced when we offhandedly mentioned that he had been having really bad cramps recently.  Lucretia had actually given him some medicinal plants she said she had used for cramps when she was his age.  It was treated scientifically instead of him feeling like a freak.  This place felt like home.

*

When the boys were on their mission to Lucas’ lab, he had never felt so anxious in all his life.  He didn't really know the trio all that well, and all they had done when knowing him was tease and bully him, but something in the way they teased and bullied was nice, almost familial in a way.  Taako was the biggest culprit of the family-type teasing.  His goofs never seemed to be intentionally harmful in a permanent way, they were always harmful in a goofy dad type of way, and he knew none of them would ever say anything that would actually hurt Angus.  But having those three go completely off the grid for so long had Angus panicking.  Lucretia was with him, but she was on edge and seemed horrifically close to breaking down, which only served to further Angus’ anxiety, because if the Director was nervous for the three men she barely knew, he knew something must truly be wrong.  When their voices finally came back, Angus could see the tension leave her body and he could feel his anxiety melt away.  He had known these men for such a short time, and yet they had caused him a great deal of stress.

*

Their story was one of epic proportions.  He couldn't understand most of it outright, but he saw flashes of what he needed most.  He saw Taako and his twin sister, Lup, laughing side by side.  His sister was like him too, but she, like Taako, was more confident in herself than Angus had ever see anyone be.  Angus saw them fighting back to back, kicking ass and taking names.  He saw Lup launch a volley of fire at boards high in the sky.  He saw Lup become a lich in front of her brother's eyes, and only saw the terror and worry in Taako's eyes for a split second.  He saw Taako and Lup and then he saw himself in the two of them.  He saw how similar they truly were, and he finally, finally saw that he was nothing to be ashamed of.  Despite what his parents thought, despite what his family thought, despite what the world may think of him, he was special and he wouldn't stand for anyone to look down on him again.

*

After the Day of Story and Song, Angus had to figure out where to go.  He had no home aside from the B.o.B. and Lucretia had disbanded it promptly following the defeat of the Hunger.  It had been the closest thing Angus had ever had to a real family and now it was gone, just like that.  But he still had them.  He knew they still love him, no matter how far apart they got.  When he told the main trio that he had no idea where to go, Magnus immediately offered for Angus to live with him for a while, until he found his family.

“Oh no sir, my family is dead, they have been for a long time,” Angus said.

“What about the grandpa you were headed to back on the Rockport Limited?” Taako said, cocking his head to the side.

“That was a clever ruse on my part so no one would question why a little boy was travelling alone!”

“So you're all alone then?” Kravitz said.

“Yeah, but I'm used to it!  I've been alone for a long time!”

“Well you're coming with us,” Taako said, arms crossed over his chest, “I can't be held responsible for teaching you magic and then having you go off and go nuts with it!  That would be irresponsible.  Kravitz, let's find a home for 3, got it big guy?”  At the proposition of living with Taako, Kravitz's dark skin grew red, but he grinned and nodded all the same.

“If you ever need a break from those two,” Magnus said, “call me.”  Angus just smiled a soft smile, one that didn't show just how shocked and happy he was that Taako of all people was taking him in.  He couldn't wait for his new life to start.

*

Taako and Kravitz spent a long time looking for a place.  During this time, the three of them stayed at various inns and hotels where many people refused to accept Taako's money because they all knew who he was.  On the surface, Taako took it with grace and thanked them, but he would always leave the proper amount of gold on one of the beds when he thought Angus and Kravitz weren't looking.  When they finally did settle down, Kravitz and Taako had found a home that was far too big for just the three of them, but was big enough to fit the whole IPRE crew.  When Kravitz and Taako had been talking with the realtor, she mentioned that the house had belonged to a wealthy couple that had been a part of the massive casualties of the Hunger.  Both Taako and Kravitz were sympathetic, but the realtor assured them that the couple 'had it coming’.  At that phrase, a moment of disbelief and confusion crossed Taako's face, but he remained poised and collected, he did love the mansion after all and the massive kitchen it had in it.  They sealed the deal and moved in as soon as they could.  Angus got a huge room all to himself with his own bathroom even.  Taako and Kravitz shared the master bedroom of course, and they had 5 vacant rooms for when the IPRE visited and bathrooms attached to each one.

For Angus, the home felt eerily familiar.  He found himself trying to walk quietly, peeking around corners before walking around them, and trying to make himself as small as possible.  Whenever Taako or Kravitz noticed, Angus would apologize and shake his head, unsure of the reason why he was so jumpy in the home.  Naturally, he had to investigate.  He went to the neighbors to ask about the previous owners, and the elderly woman had said they were a black couple with no children and a large family that lived elsewhere that would visit during the holidays.  She had also told him that they had once had a young girl around the manor that looked very much like him, but the girl had died a long time before the Hunger came.  Angus delved deeper into the history of the house and even contacted the local sheriff to get more information.  All the sheriff would tell him was that he had gotten many noise complaints over the years about the couple yelling so loud the neighbors could hear.  Still, Angus’ curiosity wasn't satisfied.  One morning, he was going over his notes before Kravitz was ready to teleport him to school when Taako came and dropped off his breakfast.

“Whatcha got there Ango?” he said.

“Just some notes on a mystery I've needed to solve.  I want to know who used to live here!”

At that, Taako's eyes grew slightly bigger for a split second before he blinked and looked away.  “You don't remember?”

“Huh?”

Taako sighed and set down the pan he's been serving breakfast from.  “Angus, shit, let me get Krav in here, I'm not good at this shit.”  As if by magic, Kravitz walked through the dining room door.

“Hey kid, ready for school yet?”

“Krav, we gotta talk,” Taako said with a grimace.  Immediately, Kravitz looked concerned, but he regained his composure and smoothed his shirt down.  Taako sat across from Angus while Kravitz pulled up a chair next to him.

“We thought you knew, but didn't want to talk about it.  Fuck, dude, I can't do feelings and shit like that.”

“What Taako means to say,” Kravitz said, shooting a light glare Taako's way, “is that we didn't want to pressure you into talking about something you don't want to talk about.”

“What?” Angus said.

“Look, Angus, this house belonged to a couple called the McDonalds.”  And, just like that, all of the memories he had blocked out for years came rushing back.

“I can't believe you don't remember that, you grew up here,” Kravitz said, reaching out towards him.  As if Kravitz was throwing a flame at him, Angus flinched backwards and sat up a little straighter.  Kravitz retracted his hand, but a look of concern was plastered on his face.  It was as if he had a permanent scowl now.

Taako opened his mouth, Angus knew he was saying something to him, but none of the words were actually entering his brain.  He was watching his memories come flooding back almost like nightmare.  His mom walking with him through a dress shop when he was maybe 3 years old, making him try on frilly dress after frilly dress.  He came out in one with a frown on his face and he pointed at the suits asking his mom why he couldn't wear pants because pants would be easier to play in.  He heard his mom telling him that ladies don't wear pants to formal events.  He asked why.  His mother smacked his mouth.  He saw his father tearing apart a drawing Angus had done of himself in pants instead of a dress when he was 5.  He had drawn it because he knew pants were more comfortable.  He wasn't allowed to wear pants from then on.  His father had made him turn around and Angus was spanked for his actions. Angus saw himself in a frilly white and pink dress with long, fluffy curled hair when he was 8.  He saw his mom applying light makeup to his face.  He saw himself get grabbed by a man at the party and dragged away by his  hair before he was luckily seen by a butler.  He saw himself, that same day, with a knife cutting his hair in the bathroom as short as he could manage so no one could grab it again.  He saw his mother and father screaming at him, calling him a lady, and telling him that ladies couldn't have short hair.  He saw himself bruised.

“Angus?” Kravitz said.  Angus blinked, realizing with a start that his face was wet and he was holding his breath.  He let it out in a blubbering sigh as Kravitz scooped him into a hug with no warning.  Taako was there soon too, hugging him and holding his hand so tightly that he almost couldn't breathe.  Taako was muttering things, thing Angus knew he said to Lup when she called in a panic because she had woken up in darkness from a nightmare about black curtains, things that were somehow grounding him in the current reality.  When he finally stopped sobbing, Kravitz's shirt was wet from his tears and there was a mark on Taako's hand where he had been squeezing it.

“Can you tell us what's happening now Angus?” Kravitz said, patient as ever.  Angus only nodded slowly, as if he was only just now truly absorbing all the shit he had been through.

“My parents, the McDonalds, were…” he paused “they were...horrible.  They-they hit me and called me a lady and hit me whenever I didn't act like one.  I ran away when I was 10 and started doing detective work because I had always been curious.  I cut my hair.  I'm a boy.  Not a girl.  I was never a girl, but they called me a girl.”  Taako's fist clenched and Angus could see the rage building in his eyes, but his face remained neutral.  Kravitz, however, was looking at him with sympathy and love.  Anger was there, it was definitely there, but Kravitz was much better at masking his emotions than Taako had ever been.

“They aren't here to hurt you anymore.  We will move too, so you don't have to live where they were.  You will never have to think of them again, okay?”

“I don't want to move.  I want to live here with you two and Magnus and Merle and Lup and Barry and everyone.  You guys loved me when I needed it, even though I didn't really get why at the time.”  Angus wiped his eyes with the sleeve of his jacket and sniffled a little.  He nodded, mostly to himself, and reached out to hug Taako and Kravitz as best he could with his small arms.  They responded instantaneously and wrapped their arms around him securely.

“They aren't my family anymore,” he whispered.

“Yeah, fuck those fuckers, we are your dads now, shit lil dude, you’re fuckin adopted,” Taako said.  His voice was final as he spoke with no uncertainty in his voice.  Kravitz only laughed and squeezed the two of them tighter.  Angus breathed for a moment, afraid, but happy, and for the first time in his whole life, he knew he truly had a family that loved and accepted him for who he was.

*

Life continued as normal after that day.  Taako insisted that Angus see someone and talk about 'the bullshit he went through’ as he had out it, and it seemed to help Angus a lot.  He was able to talk about everything to a total stranger.  Sometimes Taako and Kravitz would come and listen whenever Angus felt comfortable letting them in.  Truth be told, Angus was comfortable with them from the beginning, but Taako was insistent that the first few sessions be his and his alone.  He got happier and felt safer than he ever had before, and he continued learning magic at Lucas’ school.  Taako teased him endlessly about attending his rival's school instead of his own father's, but the teasing was always light hearted.  Lup and Barry built a small home attached to the mansion the three of them lived in, so they were there frequently.  No one outright told Angus why, but he assumed that it was because of the nightmares and the fact that being separated stressed them both out.  The rest of the IPRE and the BoB came for holidays and the anniversary of the Day of Story and Song to celebrate and to confirm that they were all still alive and okay.  Angus thrived in his home with his family and friends that he had grown to love more than anything in the world.  Angus was truly and completely happy.

*

What Angus didn't know, however, was that the day after he had told Taako and Kravitz his life story, the two of them plus Lup and Barry had gone to the Raven Queen and asked to see Mr. and Mrs. McDonald.  All knowing as she is, the Raven Queen summoned the souls from the lake without question and watched as Kravitz yelled louder than he ever had.  He told the McDonalds that Angus was never their son, that his son was going to be happy and that they would never get the chance to see him succeed and be happy.  They had tried to tell Kravitz that they only had a daughter, but Lup had cast a fireball that left their spirits extinguished forever.  She had gotten a slap on the wrist from the Raven Queen for that one, obliterating souls was very against the laws of nature, but nothing more.  They were, after all, horrible people to her grandson.

But hey.  What Angus didn't know, would never have to hurt him.

[queertazsecretsanta]

Home

A gift for @itsstillyou, created by @rockindragonz!

(trigger warning: reference to past child abuse)

Title: Home

Time and time again, Angus McDonald found himself in situations like the one he is currently dealing with. People around him who don’t know him, can’t see him, won’t talk to him, or just ignore his existence altogether. Honestly, it was no longer a bother to him, it was simply an inconvenience for a detective. The train had proved to be a great means to an end and there were very few people aboard the train which made it easier to deal with the stares they sometimes shot him.  He will admit to himself that the stares are the worst part of his situation. No matter how masculine he may dress, how short he may cut his curly hair, how low he keeps his golf hat, people could always only see ‘female’ when they look at him. It was frustrating knowing that they see him as one thing when he is absolutely another.

When he saw Taako get on the train in all of his long blonde, wizardly glory, it was shocking for the young boy.  This man was dressed in feminine clothing, had a very high pitched voice, and was almost certainly mistaken for a woman all the time, yet he had such an air of confidence about him that people were staring at him in a different way than they looked at Angus - in awe.  Something was fishy about the three travelers, but Angus found himself wanting to speak with the man if only to confirm his suspicions that he was just like him. They approached him first, trying to act discreet about what was obviously supposed to be an undercover mission but they were failing horribly.

The mystery of the train prevented him from asking Taako outright, but he knew, if only in the way he carried himself.  There was the confidence, the suave nature, and the natural charm, but there was also the quiet self doubt, the mind that was thinking five steps ahead of his companions, and the hesitation every time he spoke.  Angus had known Taako for only a few hours, but he already knew with 100% certainty that Taako was just as trans as him.

Angus’s decision to join the Bureau of Balance was spurred by multiple instances.  Of course there was his investigation into the disappearances, but if he hadn’t been told that the trio he had met on the Rockport Limited were part of the B.o.B. he probably wouldn’t have seriously considered it.  In fact, he most likely would have refused due to not wanting it to be a conflict of interest that could harm his detective work. But here he is. Since joining the Bureau, he had felt safer and more at home than anywhere else in the world.  No one ever stared at him, no one gave his feminine pitch any second thoughts, no one even winced when we offhandedly mentioned that he had been having really bad cramps recently. Lucretia had actually given him some medicinal plants she said she had used for cramps when she was his age.  It was treated scientifically instead of him feeling like a freak. This place felt like home.

When the boys were on their mission to Lucas’ lab, he had never felt so anxious in all his life.  He didn’t really know the trio all that well, and all they had done when knowing him was tease and bully him, but something in the way they teased and bullied was nice, almost familial in a way. Taako was the biggest culprit of the family-type teasing. His goofs never seemed to be intentionally harmful in a permanent way, they were always harmful in a goofy dad type of way, and he knew none of them would ever say anything that would actually hurt Angus.  But having those three go completely off the grid for so long had Angus panicking. Lucretia was with him, but she was on edge and seemed horrifically close to breaking down, which only served to further Angus’ anxiety, because if the Director was nervous for the three men she barely knew, he knew something must truly be wrong.  When their voices finally came back, Angus could see the tension leave her body and he could feel his anxiety melt away. He had known these men for such a short time, and yet they had caused him a great deal of stress.

Their story was one of epic proportions.  He couldn’t understand most of it outright, but he saw flashes of what he needed most.  He saw Taako and his twin sister, Lup, laughing side by side. His sister was like him too, but she, like Taako, was more confident in herself than Angus had ever see anyone be.  Angus saw them fighting back to back, kicking ass and taking names. He saw Lup launch a volley of fire at boards high in the sky. He saw Lup become a lich in front of her brother’s eyes, and only saw the terror and worry in Taako’s eyes for a split second.  He saw Taako and Lup and then he saw himself in the two of them. He saw how similar they truly were, and he finally, finally saw that he was nothing to be ashamed of. Despite what his parents thought, despite what his family thought, despite what the world may think of him, he was special and he wouldn’t stand for anyone to look down on him again.

After the Day of Story and Song, Angus had to figure out where to go.  He had no home aside from the B.o.B. and Lucretia had disbanded it promptly following the defeat of the Hunger.  It had been the closest thing Angus had ever had to a real family and now it was gone, just like that. But he still had them.  He knew they still loved him, no matter how far apart they got. When he told the main trio that he had no idea where to go, Magnus immediately offered for Angus to live with him for a while, until he found his family.

“Oh no sir, my family is dead, they have been for a long time,” Angus said.

“What about the grandpa you were headed to back on the Rockport Limited?” Taako said, cocking his head to the side.

“That was a clever ruse on my part so no one would question why a little boy was travelling alone!”

“So you’re all alone then?” Kravitz said.

“Yeah, but I’m used to it!  I’ve been alone for a long time!”

“Well you’re coming with us,” Taako said, arms crossed over his chest, “I can’t be held responsible for teaching you magic and then having you go off and go nuts with it!  That would be irresponsible. Kravitz, let’s find a home for 3, got it big guy?” At the proposition of living with Taako, Kravitz’s dark skin grew red, but he grinned and nodded all the same.

“If you ever need a break from those two,” Magnus said, “call me.”  Angus just smiled a soft smile, one that didn’t show just how shocked and happy he was that Taako of all people was taking him in.  He couldn’t wait for his new life to start.

Taako and Kravitz spent a long time looking for a place.  During this time, the three of them stayed at various inns and hotels where many people refused to accept Taako’s money because they all knew who he was.  On the surface, Taako took it with grace and thanked them, but he would always leave the proper amount of gold on one of the beds when he thought Angus and Kravitz weren’t looking.  When they finally did settle down, Kravitz and Taako had found a home that was far too big for just the three of them, but was big enough to fit the whole IPRE crew. When Kravitz and Taako had been talking with the realtor, she mentioned that the house had belonged to a wealthy couple that had been a part of the massive casualties of the Hunger.  Both Taako and Kravitz were sympathetic, but the realtor assured them that the couple ‘had it coming’. At that phrase, a moment of disbelief and confusion crossed Taako’s face, but he remained poised and collected, he did love the mansion after all and the massive kitchen it had in it. They sealed the deal and moved in as soon as they could. Angus got a huge room all to himself with his own bathroom even.  Taako and Kravitz shared the master bedroom of course, and they had 5 vacant rooms for when the IPRE visited and bathrooms attached to each one.

For Angus, the home felt eerily familiar.  He found himself trying to walk quietly, peeking around corners before walking around them, and trying to make himself as small as possible.  Whenever Taako or Kravitz noticed, Angus would apologize and shake his head, unsure of the reason why he was so jumpy in the home. Naturally, he had to investigate.  He went to the neighbors to ask about the previous owners, and the elderly woman had said they were a black couple with no children and a large family that lived elsewhere that would visit during the holidays.  She had also told him that they had once had a young girl around the manor that looked very much like him, but the girl had died a long time before the Hunger came. Angus delved deeper into the history of the house and even contacted the local sheriff to get more information.  All the sheriff would tell him was that he had gotten many noise complaints over the years about the couple yelling so loud the neighbors could hear. Still, Angus’ curiosity wasn’t satisfied. One morning, he was going over his notes before Kravitz was ready to teleport him to school when Taako came and dropped off his breakfast.

“Whatcha got there Ango?” he said.

“Just some notes on a mystery I’ve needed to solve.  I want to know who used to live here!”

At that, Taako’s eyes grew slightly bigger for a split second before he blinked and looked away.  “You don’t remember?”

“Huh?”

Taako sighed and set down the pan he’s been serving breakfast from.  “Angus, shit, let me get Krav in here, I’m not good at this shit.” As if by magic, Kravitz walked through the dining room door.

“Hey kid, ready for school yet?”

“Krav, we gotta talk,” Taako said with a grimace.  Immediately, Kravitz looked concerned, but he regained his composure and smoothed his shirt down.  Taako sat across from Angus while Kravitz pulled up a chair next to him.

“We thought you knew, but didn’t want to talk about it.  Fuck, dude, I can’t do feelings and shit like that.”

“What Taako means to say,” Kravitz said, shooting a light glare Taako’s way, “is that we didn’t want to pressure you into talking about something you don’t want to talk about.”

“What?” Angus said.

“Look, Angus, this house belonged to a couple called the McDonalds.”  And, just like that, all of the memories he had blocked out for years came rushing back.

“I can’t believe you don’t remember that, you grew up here,” Kravitz said, reaching out towards him.  As if Kravitz was throwing a flame at him, Angus flinched backwards and sat up a little straighter. Kravitz retracted his hand, but a look of concern was plastered on his face.  It was as if he had a permanent scowl now.

Taako opened his mouth, Angus knew he was saying something to him, but none of the words were actually entering his brain.  He was watching his memories come flooding back almost like nightmare. His mom walking with him through a dress shop when he was maybe 3 years old, making him try on frilly dress after frilly dress.  He came out in one with a frown on his face and he pointed at the suits asking his mom why he couldn’t wear pants because pants would be easier to play in. He heard his mom telling him that ladies don’t wear pants to formal events.  He asked why. His mother smacked his mouth. He saw his father tearing apart a drawing Angus had done of himself in pants instead of a dress when he was 5. He had drawn it because he knew pants were more comfortable. He wasn’t allowed to wear pants from then on.  His father had made him turn around and Angus was spanked for his actions. Angus saw himself in a frilly white and pink dress with long, fluffy curled hair when he was 8. He saw his mom applying light makeup to his face. He saw himself get grabbed by a man at the party and dragged away by his hair before he was luckily seen by a butler. He saw himself, that same day, with a knife cutting his hair in the bathroom as short as he could manage so no one could grab it again. He saw his mother and father screaming at him, calling him a lady, and telling him that ladies couldn’t have short hair.  He saw himself bruised.

“Angus?” Kravitz said. Angus blinked, realizing with a start that his face was wet and he was holding his breath. He let it out in a blubbering sigh as Kravitz scooped him into a hug with no warning. Taako was there soon too, hugging him and holding his hand so tightly that he almost couldn’t breathe.  Taako was muttering things, thing Angus knew he said to Lup when she called in a panic because she had woken up in darkness from a nightmare about black curtains, things that were somehow grounding him in the current reality. When he finally stopped sobbing, Kravitz’s shirt was wet from his tears and there was a mark on Taako’s hand where he had been squeezing it.

“Can you tell us what’s happening now Angus?” Kravitz said, patient as ever.  Angus only nodded slowly, as if he was only just now truly absorbing all the shit he had been through.

“My parents, the McDonalds, were…” he paused “they were…horrible.  They-they hit me and called me a lady and hit me whenever I didn’t act like one. I ran away when I was 10 and started doing detective work because I had always been curious. I cut my hair. I’m a boy. Not a girl. I was never a girl, but they called me a girl.” Taako’s fist clenched and Angus could see the rage building in his eyes, but his face remained neutral.  Kravitz, however, was looking at him with sympathy and love. Anger was there, it was definitely there, but Kravitz was much better at masking his emotions than Taako had ever been.

“They aren’t here to hurt you anymore.  We will move too, so you don’t have to live where they were.  You will never have to think of them again, okay?”

“I don’t want to move.  I want to live here with you two and Magnus and Merle and Lup and Barry and everyone.  You guys loved me when I needed it, even though I didn’t really get why at the time.” Angus wiped his eyes with the sleeve of his jacket and sniffled a little.  He nodded, mostly to himself, and reached out to hug Taako and Kravitz as best he could with his small arms. They responded instantaneously and wrapped their arms around him securely.

“They aren’t my family anymore,” he whispered.

“Yeah, fuck those fuckers, we are your dads now, shit lil dude, you’re fuckin adopted,” Taako said.  His voice was final as he spoke with no uncertainty in his voice. Kravitz only laughed and squeezed the two of them tighter.  Angus breathed for a moment, afraid, but happy, and for the first time in his whole life, he knew he truly had a family that loved and accepted him for who he was.

Life continued as normal after that day.  Taako insisted that Angus see someone and talk about 'the bullshit he went through’ as he had put it, and it seemed to help Angus a lot.  He was able to talk about everything to a total stranger. Sometimes Taako and Kravitz would come and listen whenever Angus felt comfortable letting them in.  Truth be told, Angus was comfortable with them from the beginning, but Taako was insistent that the first few sessions be his and his alone. He got happier and felt safer than he ever had before, and he continued learning magic at Lucas’ school.  Taako teased him endlessly about attending his rival’s school instead of his own father’s, but the teasing was always light hearted. Lup and Barry built a small home attached to the mansion the three of them lived in, so they were there frequently.  No one outright told Angus why, but he assumed that it was because of the nightmares and the fact that being separated stressed them both out. The rest of the IPRE and the BoB came for holidays and the anniversary of the Day of Story and Song to celebrate and to confirm that they were all still alive and okay.  Angus thrived in his home with his family and friends that he had grown to love more than anything in the world. Angus was truly and completely happy.

What Angus didn’t know, however, was that the day after he had told Taako and Kravitz his life story, the two of them plus Lup and Barry had gone to the Raven Queen and asked to see Mr. and Mrs. McDonald.  All knowing as she is, the Raven Queen summoned the souls from the lake without question and watched as Kravitz yelled louder than he ever had. He told the McDonalds that Angus was never their son, that his son was going to be happy and that they would never get the chance to see him succeed and be happy.  They had tried to tell Kravitz that they only had a daughter, but Lup had cast a fireball that left their spirits extinguished forever.  She had gotten a slap on the wrist from the Raven Queen for that one, obliterating souls was very against the laws of nature, but nothing more.  They were, after all, horrible people to her grandson.

But hey.  What Angus didn’t know, would never have to hurt him.

[birdiethebibliophile]

 Before I start, please don’t take this is as criticism of any of the content creators mentioned (IT ISN’T), but I have some stuff to say about storytelling.

I’ve followed two actual-play D&D podcasts closely for about six months now: The Adventure Zone and Critical Role. I always knew they were different, but in the past few weeks, that’s really been driven home.

Continued under the cut for spoilers (and also because it got real long):

Let’s take TAZ first, specifically the Balance arc.

There’s goofs, and there’s messing around with the rules, and there’s plot holes. But if I had to describe it in one word, it would be this: hope.

There was never a second when I was listening to TAZ Balance where I didn’t feel hope surrounding me like a blanket. This was not to say that everything would turn out perfect. In fact... well. It didn’t.

Johann died, unceremoniously, cut down by an enemy he couldn’t see. Julia died, and Magnus missed her for sixty years. Taako was separated from his sister, his heart, in a way he couldn’t remember, for ten. Lucretia wasn’t forgiven completely for the pain she caused.

But there was never, for one second, a time when I felt despair.

Think about the most famous quotes from TAZ:

You’re going to be amazing.

I find joy in everything I do... and if we ever meet each other somewhere in infinity, you can apologize to me and tell me you were wrong.

And then... light.

There are so many others I could name. Magnus’s speech to Carey on her wedding day. Griffin’s monologue about learning how to be loved and how to love others. The entire Arms Outstretched sequence. Travis saying, in a tone of almost wonder, that Magnus lived to an old age and died surrounded by friends. Every one of them is filled with light and hope, even in a story that could easily be taken into a sense of deep, existential despair.

Hell. Despair is their literal, personified enemy.

Now compare that with Critical Role.

I’m not saying every story has to be the same, because they aren’t. I’m not saying Matt’s a bad DM or storyteller, because he isn’t! I’m not saying any of that.

But after Thursday’s episode, what I felt was despair.

I understand it. It’s a more realistic story; a more gritty story. It’s set in a darker place with darker people. That was clear from the start. But Molly’s death really drove that home for me.

It’s not even that I don’t agree with what all of them said tonight on Talks, because I think they talked about everything that happened in a very good way. I just also felt a sense of nihilism in Matt’s words, a sense of “this happens so we might as well face it.” A sense of, “what’s the point of telling stories where the good guys win? That’s not how life is.”

What’s the point?

The point is hope.

The point is spending a hundred years together and not learning to hate, but learning to love.

The point is taking the darkest magic and using it to save the world and powering it by your happiest memories.

The point is the memory of a bard in a promise and a song, and a man who no longer seeks out death, but cherishes life.

The point is people coming to understand their worth and facing their deepest pain and walking through it to the other side.

That’s what I got from TAZ - and that’s not what I’m getting from Critical Role.

Everyone who adores Critical Role? More power to you. But I myself need to take a long, hard look at it and truly ask myself if this is the story I want to devote myself to.

Because what I care about is hope, and what I found was despair.

[blue-mood-blue]

speaking of angus's family: angus being lup and barry's kid is such a good idea even if it's obvs not canon... like he's the right age... a very smart magic boy... the memory of his grandfather's name died long before he was born... his dnd race is never mentioned... please consider barry just dropping to his knees to hug the kid he now knows is his son as soon as he gets his memories back

Listen, listen, you are in luck because I saw a ficlet going around the other day which is exactly this feeling and I am going to send it your way it’s adorable and you’re going to love it I promise because it’s adorable.

But also, consider: even in completely non-au terms this is a possibility. Angus McDonald absolutely, without a doubt, gets seven new parents after Story and Song (more than that, even, because Kravitz and Ren and all of the BoB are around and they’re not about to be left out). He’s got rooms in houses all over Faerun. Magnus coaches his soccer team, Lucretia reads him bedtime stories, Taako and Lup make him lunch to bring to school. 

Barry hasn’t dealt much with kids in the past, but there’s something about this kid that just clicks - he thinks it’s something about how curious Angus is, how excited he is to learn new things, and that’s something Angus has in common with Barry. Barry remembers being Angus’s age and seeing all of the mysteries of the world around him and being excited at the prospect of one day knowing all of the answers. He still feels that way sometimes, especially when Angus comes running through the door after school chattering a mile a minute about some new theory or discovery. He’s never too busy to listen to everything Angus has to say and ask questions until Lup forces food in front of them because it’s been hours already and, in her words, they “need sustenance to fuel the nerd-chat.” And this is new, they’ve had years without each other, they still have so much to learn about each other, but it’s a good kind of new. It grows into a warm kind of familiar, a comfortable new presence. In time, it’s difficult to remember that they didn’t always have each other.

Lup once taught Barry about the importance of hugs, and it’s a lesson that Barry passes on to Angus at every opportunity. Every time he comes in with a perfect score from a big test, or on days when he's quiet and sad, or any time he walks through the door after he’s been away for a while Barry gives him the best kind of hug - sincere and close, with a feeling that’s just like home. Angus is his kid, too, because Barry has also learned that the family you find is as real as any family you’re given.