#and as it grew she would put it in outrageous ponytails with large flowered hairties

[luminous-studiess]

(to the tune of mitskis class of 2013) mom ........ can you trim my bangs

[in-tua-deep]

Vanya is so tired of all the bullshit at this point in unviable au and like just Vanya being a tad bit p snarky is great

honestly if you hang around Klaus long enough you have to develop snark in sheer self defense. ESPECIALLY a Klaus who talks to not one but TWO ghosts so you only get like, a whole half to a third of the conversation and have to fill in the blanks yourself smh

And Vanya?? she protective where it counts. In the show itself, Leonard gets there first and when Allison questions him, Vanya gets defensive. In the unviable au, Klaus gets there first and makes Vanya feel included. So even though he’s an absolute pain in the ass she comes down resolutely on his side

And Klaus, who is used to having none of his (living) siblings on his side... it’s nice. When Allison accuses him of just wanting to grift Vanya for drug money... she defends him.

Even Diego, who also loves Klaus, would probably just gruffly say that that’s his problem.

So Vanya and Klaus get pretty close in this au actually, and you know what that means???

It’s Klaus who technically stops the apocalypse. Just by being there for her.

Actually now that I think about it, this might genuinely be an everyone lives au?? Except Five ofc, but like. Leonard Peabody hasn’t been able to get close to Vanya yet, so he probably doesn’t kill Helen Cho so that Vanya can be first chair. Wow like, so far no one except Five and Ben has died what a wild ride.

So they get team apocalypse together and recruit two more (hello boyfriend Dave, who is going to help Klaus keep clean!!) and then... what?

With all the stress and everything going on, Vanya probably... forgets to take her pills. She doesn’t even think about it in between trying to figure out what they’re supposed to be doing to prevent the apocalypse when their only clue is that someone related to Vanya might cause the apocalypse? And even then, could be a chain effect so the number of people who could end the world is like... weirdly high. 

And hey, Vanya has other things to worry about than her pills anyway. Klaus keeps trying to raid the fridge, if Diego puts a hole in her walls with one of his knives she’s actually going to commit murder, Dave keeps politely asking where she keeps various things so that he can make everyone tea. Five keeps rattling things to prove that he’s there (and he really needs to stop because being physical with items takes energy he needs to conserve)

Anyway, since Hazel and Cha-Cha were asking questions about Vanya, they realize that Vanya’s place... probably isn’t the safest? So they all end up going to the library to camp out because lets be real the library is an excellent public resource, and lots of libraries have private rooms - nowhere better to brainstorm

“If they know about my apartment, then they know about the mansion.” Vanya points out, absently rolling a marker across the table. 

(The room came with a whiteboard, presumably to help students or something, that Five has already capitalized as his own personal writing surface since Klaus tends to prefer paraphrase over direct translation.)

“The mansion?” Dave asks politely, because he really has no idea what the fuck he’s in for.

“Where we grew up.” Vanya informs him, because she’s a nice person and figures he doesn’t deserve to flounder considering he’s literally out of time here. 

“I told you about how dad sucked.” Klaus says offhandedly as he swipes a purple marker from thin air so that he can continue doodling flowers on the whiteboard.

“Okay okay,” Dave says, waving his hands, “Slow down. Was everything you told me true? Because I will be honest I thought most of it was like. Your uh, vivid imagination.”

“Probably true,” Diego says over Klaus’s outraged squawk, “But very... embellished. Klaus has that effect.”

“I resemble that remark!” Klaus pulls himself together admirably.

“I know you do, babe.” Dave says, leaning over to take Klaus’s hand in his own, smiling fondly. Klaus absolutely melts and a large E W is written across the whiteboard in bright red ink. 

“Mind your business, junior.” Klaus says, sticking his tongue out in the direction everyone assumes Five to be. Immediately after this comment, Klaus gets beaned in the head by said red marker.

“Children, children.” Vanya rolls her eyes, “Can we get along for five minutes?”

“In this family?” Diego snorts dismissively. And then starts because Vanya smacks him on the arm for being an ass.

In the last few days, Vanya has attended the funeral of the man who emotionally fucked her up, found out that her two dead brothers were hanging around, found out the apocalypse was incoming, is being stalked by time traveling assassins because she is somehow related to the apocalypse happening, lied to people to get info on an eye, bailed on practice, crawled out a bathroom window, rescued her kidnapped brother only to watch him vanish before her eyes. Honestly she is all out of fucks to give. She’s tired, cranky, and more than a little stressed.

“Can you order pizza to a library?” Klaus muses absently, head turned in a way that means he’s probably talking to Ben. 

“No, Klaus. Stop.” Vanya all but begs.

“Not that I don’t love the library.” Dave observes, looking around. He looks around a lot, constantly marveling at the differences between the world back in his day and now. “But if Vanya’s apartment and uh, ‘the mansion’ aren’t options. Where are we supposed to be staying?”

Bless Dave for keeping them on topic.

Vanya and Klaus look at each other. And then as one they look at Diego.

“No. Absolutely not.” Diego protests, crossing his arms. “I live in a boiler room. That doesn’t even count. It can’t have four people staying in it.”

“Six people.” Klaus emphasizes, gesturing at thin air. Diego mumbles apologies, which is in self preservation really because Five really does have fantastic aim and doesn’t give a fuck about manners. 

“We can have a sleepover!” Klaus cheers, clapping his hands like he’s at a one man party. 

“No.” Diego emphasizes.

They all end up in Diego’s boiler room. 

“Five says he wants the bed.” Klaus claims as soon as they walk in.

“Five is dead.” Diego growls, “He’s not getting the bed.”

“Ben says that’s dead-ist.” Klaus accuses pointing a finger at Diego, who slaps it away. 

“Well I suppose the youngest should get the bed.” Vanya muses out loud, which just makes Klaus burst into laughter. This in turn means that the pillow on Diego’s bed seems to move on its own in an attempt to smother the lanky man.

“I’m fine with the floor.” Dave offers, “Used to way worse in the jungle. This’ll actually be pretty nice. No bugs at least.”

Klaus pauses in wrestling with the pillow, “Aw, babe. That’s so sweet. I’m on the floor, too!”

Diego sighs deeply, “Ugh. Fucking. Fine. Vanya can have the bed.”

“Thank you.” Vanya says gracefully, picking her way through Diego’s... place is a generous word, to sit on the bed. 

“Do you have any movies?” Klaus asks, and has has somehow transitioned to being sprawled across the floor kicking his feet in the air with his face in his hands, “Oh! Or popcorn! Nail polish?”

“This is not a sleepover.” Diego growls, “This is... this is a tactical base.”

“I have some hairties in my pocket?” Vanya offers, fishing out one and tossing to towards a squealing Klaus. 

“Yes!” Klaus cheers, holding up his prize with great victory, “Vanya, can I do you hair?”

“Sure.” Vanya says shrugging, scooching over to allow for Klaus to scrabble onto the bed to sit behind her. 

“Hey Diego do you own a hairbrush?” Klaus asks, pulling Vanya’s hair out of her ponytail and running his fingers through it. Diego scowls. “I’ll take that as a no.”

Klaus scooches over enough so that Dave can sit behind him and they manage to cram three adults onto the bed as Dave starts ruffling at Klaus’s hair, humming thoughtfully. 

“I hate all of you.” Diego growls, crossing his arms and definitely not pouting. 

“I love team apocalypse.” Klaus says as cheerfully as possible.

“Don’t you have two other siblings?” Dave asks, brow furrowed in slight confusion. Klaus probably told him all about his fucked up family while they were in Vietnam together, to pass the time. At the time Dave hadn’t actually believed Klaus (body of a monkey? teleportation? tentacle powers? but you know what he’s in the future and he’s either having the worst acid trip, he’s dead, or this is real and why not roll with it).

Vanya, Klaus, and Diego all grimace as one.

“Luther and Allison... have their own issues they’re working on right now.” Vanya says diplomatically.

“Hold up.” Klaus says, craning his head around to look at Diego, “Is Luther still on that ‘dad was murdered’ bullshit?”

“Your dad was murdered?” Dave asks, looking a little shocked.

“What is Allison even doing?” Diego tilts his head a little bit, ignoring Dave’s question entirely.

“Judging my life choices.” Vanya mutters reproachfully. Klaus, as the terrible life choice in question, pats her shoulder sympathetically. 

“In all fairness, if it weren’t for. You know. Everything. I probably would have robbed you for money.” Klaus admits with a simple shrug, and gets a pat on the shoulder from Dave in return.

“I know she cares or whatever.” Vanya says sighing, “But like. The way she goes about it. Like she knows everything and has to impart her wisdom on us lesser beings. Like she didn’t ruin her own life.”

“Wow.” Klaus hums, tugging on the end on Vanya’s new braid, “I didn’t realize we were onto the shit talking portion of the sleepover.”

“This isn’t a sleepover.” Diego’s protest falls on deaf ears.

“I’m open to building a relationship.” Vanya says firmly, “But that’s what it needs to be. Building a relationship. Because quite frankly, we don’t have one. She acts like, I don’t know, the fact that we’re sisters should trump the fact that she ignored me at best for like, the last twenty-nine years of my life.”

“Go off, queen.” Klaus says gleefully, running his fingers through Vanya’s hair and undoing the braid he just finished entirely. “Where have you been hiding all our lives?”

“In my room, mostly.” Vanya deadpans, “Sequestered away like all of Dad’s boring treasures.”

“If your dad was still alive I’d fight him for all of you.” Dave says very seriously. Seriously enough that it makes Vanya snort, and Klaus burst into giggles, and even Diego shakes his head. 

“I love you so much, Dave.” Klaus says seriously, and then looks over Dave’s shoulder, “No I don’t - it’s a different sort of love Ben. You’re still my favorite brother! Wait, no Five - actually yes Five because Ben is everyone’s favorite brother - ”

“Confirmed.” Diego immediately says, which makes Klaus whirl around, his hand at his chest and gasping like a Victorian maiden. 

“Sorry Five.” Vanya says, nodding along mock seriously. “Ben never lost my violin bow and tried to blame it on the monster under the bed.”

“Hold up, hold up hold up.” Klaus says immediately, eyes pingponging between Vanya and someone the rest of them can’t see, “I smell a story. Pray tell, Vanya. Do you have a tale that paints the illustrious Five in a... less than pristine light?”

“Oh Klaus.” Vanya practically purrs, mischief lighting up her eyes, “I was Five’s favorite sibling. I know all the dirty little secrets.”

And that’s the moment when Diego’s shitty bed flips and dumps Vanya, Klaus, and Dave onto the floor.

“Five!”