#and at least im out of weed so I can have a real proper fucking meltdown about it cause god forbid i help myself not hurt myself too

[samwisefamgee]

Love being reminded that no matter how hard I try or what I do for them that every single person in my family wants me to kill myself so so sooooo bad

[herrashmoo]

secondly, im not a tumblr teen. ive been on this website for god knows how long and ive been well versed in queer history. me calling them a pedophile, after a conversation with them resulted in them refusing to admit sexual imagery is not for children, them calling me a bootlicker and several other names, before getting wildly upset and blocking me, had nothing to do with their sexuality and everything to do with the fact that they couldnt tell me sexual imagery is not a thing for minors to consume period end of story. this is AFTER the fact i had been a bit more educated about pride and had ALREADY agreed where i went wrong. now about the sanitization of pride- thats wrong as well. dont get me wrong. but you cant seriously look me in the face and tell me that sexual imagery is not for minors. like- just that statement alone, right? so how is this such a controversy?

ugh okay I guess I’m gonna write A Thing. I’ll get into a proper response to your final questions but first, let’s do some context work.

first thing to make clear is that I know Jux irl, and I also want to make it pretty clear that they and I have pretty similar opinions here, I’m just slightly more likely to put my anger aside to reply to stuff. Do not get it twisted, rhetoric like the kind you were/are using is like, a big red flag for me, it’s the kind of shit reactionaries have been using for eons and like, were I in a less chill mood, I would’ve also likely written you off as a bootlicker troll. Their response was pretty aggressive but not completely misplaced, so I just want to make it clear that like, as another queer dude who is tired of seeing this shit every fucking May for the better part of a decade, I’m also exhausted and pissed off.

As for my claim of teenagerdom, I apologize if that offended, but you have to understand that, generally speaking, the loudest groups having this conversation on the regular are (1) right-wing reactionaries, TERFs, and their ilk trying to stir shit up (see: Operation Pridefall) and (2) young people who don’t have any context for Pride, often haven’t been, and only really have queer politic and history from tumblr and twitter threads featuring reactionary revisionism from the first group. When I see people engage in this conversation, I generally assume they’re in the latter group, as it helps me try to frame my responses in the best faith I can given how tired I am of this shit.

But that aside, sure. Kink isn’t for children. But provided there’s a parent accompanying this hypothetical child at Pride, their job is to explain and provide context for the things they can, and give a solid “you’ll learn more when you’re older” for the things they can’t. The Village People are all each in different kink gear, and as a kid I was told “they like to dress up, and there’s some costumes specifically for adults,” and I was good. I saw bare titties at festivals, smelled weed at concerts, saw bulge at the beach — these are normal human things that happen in the world, and having a responsible adult nearby to explain or provide context for them made them non-issues for me. I don’t think a kid seeing a pup hood is thinking anything more than “oh cool, that dude is dressed up as a dog.” Kids understand fantasy and make-believe. And especially as they age into their teenage years, withholding or sheltering them from knowledge about sex and sexuality can do real damage — hell, we’ve been having that conversation for over a century at least.

(Spring’s Awakening was first published in 1891 and was deeply censored in productions for the better part of a century, due to the content of the work, which is about how sheltering young teens (both straight and queer) from sexual content (and also mental health resources) leads them to try to figure shit out on their own and make catastrophic decisions that they don’t understand the consequences of until it’s too late. Great play, pretty great musical adaptation, wild that we keep rehashing its points like clockwork over a century after publication.)

But I am also of the opinion that Pride isn’t for children, as, while two decades of assimilationist politic would desperately try to argue otherwise, I am queer because I am sexually attracted to, and have sex with, other men. Pride is a response to the criminalization of queer sex acts, and so it is, in turn, a celebration of queer sex acts. So if someone wants to walk around in chaps and a jock, great! If someone wants to wear their pup gear or a harness or a rope tie or a vest, fuck yeah! It’s a space specially carved out for celebrating the queer experience — the original Pride flag (before it was simplified to make it easier to mass produce for profit, which, again, love seeing our culture made into product) had a pink stripe at the very top, specifically representing sexuality. It is, ostensibly, the thing that defines our community (at least the L G and B parts of it) as an outgroup against the mainstream society.

I think that, if you are uncomfortable with kink displays, or you’re uncomfortable with children seeing kink displays, then Pride is not for you or your children! Don’t go! There’s kid-friendly and sanitized versions of Pride in most major cities, do some research into your local/state Stonewall organizations and you can find more about them. But I’m already sick of having actual cops at Pride, I don’t need people who are uncomfortable with displays of sexuality also policing myself or any other queer person in a space they have spent decades carving out for themselves.

A final note — if you don’t understand why a queer person would blow up and completely write off your bullshit after calling them a pedophile, I urge you to do more reading, more listening. I know that in this brave new world of same-sex marriage equality and PrEP access that it’s hard to remember the collective trauma that the community has experienced, but this shit is inflammatory, you’re straight up spewing fightin’ words. The dude wearing a leather harness at Pride isn’t trying to corrupt any youth or fuck any kids, they’re just trying to live their shit, and I’m sorry that you and so many others have somehow decided that that’s an attack on a demographic of people who aren’t the audience for a celebration of sexuality. We’re not fucking pedophiles, and this “think about the kids” nonsense is some Reagan-era bullshit.

[sweet-xoxo-thatcares]

Song of my life

I hate Jay, but I still think about breaking the moral code just to get them/he back.

I don't like their idiotic, bratty, ass, controlling, wimpy, diary of a stolen boyfriend, terror tactics, microsoft nerdy ass, clymphomaniac (Cliff Huxtable Nymphomaniac), military guerrilla style, bronchitis bitchass who snorrrrrrrttttttttssssss so fucking loud in the morning like a kerosene chemical bomb is stuffed up her fucking nose and into her black, gothic, lights her fingers, witch candles and fake dick complacencies all bundled in for an asshole she can't stop from seeking other people, with their own financial insecurities. But yet you steady roasting me??

I hate that I can't just get up and go get a job today. My ass is literally struggling just to pay attention on an application, then when I get frustrated that I can't find anything I'm even fucking qualified for, I get horribly upset about me not being able to do anything about it an just start wanking off for about 2-3hrs of porn just to get a high because I can't smoke weed anymore, and whenever I can't do that, I go to the store to buy processed food and sweets and pop that I don't need but I need to fulfill this need of a high with a sugar craving, and then I kick back into circulation because then I start thinking about how much of an asshole Jay and Jay gf was and then it repeats all over again.

I think too much.

I sneak drinks from my parents special alcohol because I can't even afford buying me some alcohol enough to drown my poisonous thoughts in. But then it gets worse if I drink too much, because then I think about hurting myself and the ptsd kicks in from my momma, dad, jay, that bitch, and everybody else that ever said any mean, rude, sarcastic, and judging me for not being able to grow up like a proper adult. When the truth is, I don't even want to?

And I mean the type the adult my mother and father became...

The corporate job, that you don't even like going to, but you do it because you gotta pay bills, wash your ass, cook, clean, and pay at restaurants because you wife likes to be dined out and took on trips every so often to feel loved and appreciated. Then there's the kids and their automatic dysfunctions to wanting to chip in or help out. All the while, when you come home, you're so tired and worn the fuck out, you can't even build on the dreams or the projects your ass retired to think about doing outside of work because your wife made you cut your hair and be somebody you weren't before you met her.

That's why I don't like marriage. Because I hate being controlled. But I know I need to if I want to settle down and at least have one freaking kid (which I admit took me a long time to even adjust to the idea of having kids at all, until much recently) because kids need to grow up within the first 8-10yrs with 2 parents to grow up with a secure attachment style. And I'm starting to fear, I don't wanna end up a workaholic like my mom who barely even had enough time for me working all the time to cover the household, and then now my dad is the one taking over that role and I see the difference in my sisters now, the lack of their father being able to emotionally support them, like he used to do with me. Cause when mom wasn't there, he was, and I'm glad he was. But now, I keep thinking that maybe if I didn't feel so fearfully attached to my mother to where I became anxious-avoidant, maybe I would have had a healthier relationships with my more feminine relationships and I wouldn't have started to feel like a low life about her not loving me, kissing me, or hugging me enough as a child, like I needed her to be there. It wasn't just me looking for attention or just whining for no reason, I remember crying to myself at night sometimes because I was afraid to call her to my room to help me. Because she was always at work.

And now you think I'm overthinking, but this is just an example of what my brain starts thinking within a whole hour and I just woke up. And by the way I hate the idea of being a depressed mother, postpartum-depression, my mother had it, but I've seen other mothers with it and how it affected the children to see their mothers sad and they became overpleasing, overworked children who blamed their mother's conditions on the reasons why they can't stop people pleasing and stop being too nice all the time, because they grew up in a southern background with biscuits, rice, and eggs that taught their children to serve and serve the mother and father as part of the household.

Sounds like slavery right?

What bout teamwork, cooperation, fairnesss. Not tyranny.

And that's where the loop starts all over again. Because I just came out of situation/unofficial relationship/bdsm-sex-slaveship/non-giving-a-fuck-cgl/toxicship/friendship that was ran by a tyrannist and a colonist working and then not working me to death, putting me on hold, expecting me to wait without a collar of endearment or commitment, and then getting mad when I leave to go find real love, but then my heart keeps fucking beeping like the little reservation alarms from Outback that HEYYYY BITTCHHHH YOUUUU FEEELLLL SOMMMMEETHHHIMGGGGGG THEERREEEEE FORR AAA REEASSSONNNNNNNNN! FUCKING STUBBORN YOUTH BITCH, YOU'RE IN LOVE WITH THEMMMMM!

And this is when I get into a fight with myself, because it doesn't even fucking matter because clearly the Co-Captain, Jay, doesn't wanna be involved with us, nor do we know if they were actually playing a role to please HITLER or they really are an abusive, retarded, bastard who doesn't deserve shit, because you know why....

YOUU RANNNN AWAAAYYYYYY TOOO AVOIIIIDDD HEARRRING THISSS DUMBB MFFFFF SAY GOODBYE TO YOU IN PERSON AND NOW WE DONT HAVE ANYYY FUCKKKKINGGG CLOOOSSURREEE AND YO ASSS ISSS STIIILLLL GETTINGGG BLOOCCKKKEDDD

And I hate when I delegate with my personalities, yes, I said personalities, but they mostly feel like masks, because it was an imaginary coping mechanism that my young version of me did to adapt to school, my house, my friends in FL, My friends in MS, and then of course my friends here, I'm always changing and customizing myself like a GTA character in the shop, ready to just take a fucking shower and lay in bed alll day to exhaust my engine, because I downloaded too many computer programs and learned too many parts about someone else's vagina that I wasn't just about to get ready to eat and now Im switching as I talk......

See what I mean. I go from writer nostalgic rant, to aggressive, over freak that just wants to get down, get nasty, get drunk, get high, and go see other people so I can just get over this fat jerk, that (we dont know if they even love us, but nancy drew wants a straight up confession not controlled by their institutionalized gf that hawks their phone and their mind everyday. THEY REEEKKKK OF THEIR FUCKING GF INFLUENCESSS. THAT MANIPULATIVE ASSS FUCKIING WHHOOORREEEE), but most obviously (school Ky talking) this person absolutely does not love me or her enough to respect both women, but especially me, as they disrespect me the most, block me to abandon me, an treat me like a sexy can of green beans to eat later in their storage cabinet, so yes they just see you as a casual sex option to go, no longer respects you, your mind, your body or whatever your opinion is.....because their off marrying the wicked witch of the Midwest as we speak....it could be any day now.

(Mad ky) Why the fuck haven't they got married yet? 2yrs is wayyy too fucking long to be engaged to somebody if they're saying they're gonna get married at the courthouse. Like wtfff just do it already, I can't hold this fat ass bitch any longer from running back to this mf house. Like Ky, leave this nigga alone, damn! We can find a finer ass nigga, with a better job, and a better heart, emotionally available to love you and respect you the way that you need to be treated, fuck that mf.

I hate this bitch (Love Ky) but why don't we just go over there and see if they'll talk to us.

HELLLLLL NAAAHHHHH I DONT EVEN FUCKING TRUST THAT HOE AND FUCKING HITLER ASS GF SO FUCKING PETTYY SHE MIGHT EVEN TRY CALLING THE COPS ON YOU CAUSE SHE DONT EVEN LIKE YO ASSS AND SHE FAKKEKKE ASSS FFUCCKKKK LIKE A MF KARENNNN YO

Forget that hoe, we out mf.

We can't even tell this mf that we even moved in between grand rapids and Flint because mom tried to push us down the stairs and had to live with our grandma who don't even want us there so now she keeps making up excuses because she has OCD and likes her house a certain way, her and her only.

Its been a month since I even got into it with her about a fucking hamster, now my ass is still in flint. Not even wanting to go see grandma till I have a fucking job, cause she always yelling at me about stupid little shit and I only got to stay there for a month. She even got on me about some canned collard greens, man do I highly dislike that mf mother too. Sorry, grandma but you a pain in the ass to live with too.

I hate my life rn....

And its so hard to stay positive. My life sounds like a cartoon that I didn't even write. My looney toon ass need a psychiatrist, but I can't even afford therapy until I find a job with actual healthcare insurance.

Cause my first ever therapy session was $188 that I haven't even been able to pay off yet, because a mf aint got no job, Tommy.

Like wtffff

I need a vacation. From my brain. And my body. My family.

Then there's that good ol' American Television called escapissmmmmmmmm

[greyred]

HaHaHa

Heartbroken, Hospitalized, Homeless

There have been too much of stuff going on with my life in past months that I seriously have lacked the energy to write about. One is sure - It keeps me troubling of not writing. Because mainly... well, have been overthinking of HOW I should write, but as Jesus said - “Done is better than perfect”. Then now we ride - I just came back from..ehh.. a ride of a busy busy day as i’ve ridden past months, also i have awful Insomnia which have killing my head past 20+ days. Not cool, not cool man! I LITERALLY can’t sleep! Yet doing all, and ALL my appointments that I have. Being a hussle-hussle A-student on the game and then crying in my pillow when noone sees it in the end of the day. 

I feel like I have no ONE to talk with, No one on earth! So I come here... here to my small tiny blog to just talk. Just talk about the matters that I can’t say out loud to no one. Wasn’t it the purpose of this in the first anyway ?

It all started when I lost my sweet apartment where I was living with Jesus. when we divorced, I stayed there for few years but that shiet got too expensive and i had to move, so I moved to my brother’s place. Was for a month estimated but lingered as my real estate company fcuked promises up. Then my parents moved back and the great PTSD came back again...

Now I have the skeddale back a bit because of the story of heartbroken...

Fell In love with my old mate whom i know for at least 10+ years.. He is livinng in my Homeland, we talked every fucking day for a long time and fell in love, he visited me here, i visited him. He knew ALL my mental challenges and  so forth, yet he made me feel it was okay, that He truly loved me, he wants to be with me, live with me, heck.. even have a kid with me. And I was naive...

Last time I went to Homeland to his place he treated me a bit differently.. and I broke, ended up in hospital and after that he tells me - I don’t walk to talk with you until no certain time, also can’t handle it. I mean... what the hell, I was fucking hospitalized, I was in a really bad situation. If ANYONE could have understood it, it would have been a person who have known me for so long time, with such an information that I gave. (Sometimes i doubt people who tells me, i know how to deal with You). Either way I truly hate that after all of this I lost one of my best friends. But I  never go back. i have this personality. Don’t mess with my delicate head! Once I’m done - I’m done.

The hospital itself was great experience though. Spent a week in there, got to know many interesting people. It’s nothing like people think - Oh my gosh - crazy house! NO! there are people from every field of life, doctors, lawyers, artists, health-takers, engineers, teachers, architects, art-students. Anybody needs to take a time off. And the atmosphere is pleasing, we ALL get the same thing - the mutual respect to each other, we all lack of understanding, closeness, treatment, what not. We were like a family in there. Best family I ever had ! 

After that beautiful experience I had to go back to home. Still heartbroken and my periods late for 2 weeks which made me feel like that is going to be worst. But little that I know - it was just the first signs of the MAIN stress which have lead me to this point...

I lived few months with my parents while thinking everything is alright, yet it wasn’t, things was evolving.. getting worse, i didn’t even notice it. I was still looking for apartment and for a proper doctor. Failed in this game so awfully. Until I found an amazing counselor who taught me that my most weakness is to be selfless and I HAVE to learn how to be more selfish. For me this is the hardest, because I blame myself for everything. He had experience with soldiers who had PTSD and could teach me ways to handle my PTSD mind the best that i’ve heard. But I lost him as my counselor because it was only a temporary acute thing. (Even though I STILL don’t have a proper doctor!)

Anyway... I pulled myself together and found new workers for me. Social workers whom (thanks to my counselor) I actually have a RIGHT to have. And they have been wonderful. They have showed me opportunities that I never knew. I appreciate them highly! Thanks to them I am writing here words and not in the hell-hole where i had to re-live my PTSD once again but in a small dorm-room (ahh.. now the homeless talk) where I at least - I can be in my beloved anti-social mode where im my most efficient and can just hide away from the cruel world (family most heh) and concentrate on what is most important. My health.

My health.. That is the crucial thing right now. How to start. Well I have never had the most horrid insomnia in my life as I have right now. 20+ days without REM-sleep (best was 30min to 4hours somewhere in between), it is eating me inside, killing me in every way possible and giving me physical diseases where i feel truly like I WILL die soon. (I suppose that is the reason that after months i feel i have to get these sentences done before i might actually die). The lack of sleep is the most awful, I cant sleep, i cant eat, my body is letting me down, the depression is taking its new levels like never before, yet i keep on hussling and putting my pokerface on. so at least, So at least - i would have some outfit to go out and have company for food. Yes - This is how poor rat I am, a miserable poor rat! I give my company for food and fun! During the mornings and days I do ALL the appointments and responsibilities, paperwork (which i’ve grown to be really good at!), and when the night comes, i need to load that affection down with finidng opportunities to fuel myself up in other ways. Hate me! Please hate me for that! I would be so much more happier, would give me more fuel to finally KILL myself!. That is all i need. To just SLEEP!

But I’m like weeds, that doesn’t die.

What ever I do, I just can’t die.

I hate it.

I wonder, perhaps... perhaps, this never ending insomnia will kill me perhaps in the end, wouldn’t it be lovely! 

There was a day, just after i had hussled for 2 weeks straight really intensely to improve my life (what for? i dunno, just for my wonderful workers that i do not want to disappoint). And last week was even more harsher, until the most hardest day where i was running on energy levels i don’t know or seen before. I had few drinks, went to dancing, needed to load off, actually was just around the corner, but i hadn’t slept for few days straight whatsoever (i mean 0-sleep) and when i was just walking to home (temporary home) my brains suddenly blacked out in the street. I don’t remeber anything afterwards, but i was told i was on the street sleeping. Firstly i thought - sleeepig, So Nice, next thought , on the street? not nice..? After that i’ve been super afraid to go outside because my brain does NOT work properly at all. it can shut down any time, any where. one side of me is happy (maybe i will finally die) , other side of me is bit sad (ugh.. don’t want to cause any trouble to other people in case i survive). What a stupid stupid teenage life, isn’t it!

Yet don’t wonder. all i have, all i live in, is the worst case of PTSD that my parents have raised me into. and don’t get me wrong, i ain’t blaming anyone. its just my life.

Today i went to pharmacy and finally got my medicines (been waiting for them cos been too poor to buy the elementary, and by that i literally mean the most necessary and food even, but fuck it. i managed, i always manage. Anygay.. got my medicines which was packed literally in a BIG bag, like a usual bag you get from groceries. I was like.. wtf.. i really need all that shiet?!?? Oh well.) Been in doctors and given half of my blood and all the tests that one can possibly do. Now waiting in few days for my results. Going to be interesting because literally everything hurt! Also im so sick of my whining. That’s why im writing in here with vacant language right now. Just needed to get it all out. honestly as it is. Leaving fake mask. Sincerely, without 9 kilos of makeup & hairspray.

And then there is one thing that still keeps me going...

His blue eyes, his blue eyes give me the most motivation. I can’t disappoint him! I just can’t! He is the most most precious thing in my life. even though I don’t even have him anymore or ever will. He is more than Love, Family or Soulmate, he is THE. The matter or universe.

I also have a new friend who have grown to be very close to me which I appreciate highly, but my awful fear of anyone is making me suspicious of anyone in my life. I truly don’t trust no one anymore. How could i? Everyone just keeps on playing with me and hurting me. If a friend who was 10+ years in my life, then more.., could not handle me, then, who could ever ? And why even? What’s the point? I think people should get far away of me as possible! So I could die in peace. Alone, as i wish. I will never be bored. There will always be humans to excite, hurt and  disappoint me. :)

And I shall just march on, and on and on...