#and being bordeline married

[tonya-the-chicken]

I promised to tell my new Todoroki Enji backstory yesterday to some people so um hello

CW for abuse and alcoholism. Nothing inteense - it’s a recap

His grandparents were supporters of Destro and Meta Liberation army. Though they might have went a little bit too much into extremes, believing in inherent privilege of those who is strong aka has a strong quirk. They were very centered on that but also wanted their family to be prestigious. They believed that some familiies are better than the others. They also dreamed of having a proper heir who will continue to represent their strong family

Enji’s father was not on good terms with his parents. He was convinced that their parenting style and ideas only damaged him (obviously, they did; I am convinced those people saw nothing wrong with quirk training from young years and physical punishment). When he was younger he ran away, tried to live on his own, even got married but eventually he failed to survive in the world on his own and returned to his parents’ house

They desired to have a proper heir to the throne. So fisrt thing first they either arranged marriage for him or let him find a woman who had a fire quirk as the rest of his family (yeah they all kind of had quirk marriages but weren’t really open about it). Then they had a kid

Enji’s mother wasn’t from very prestiogious family so his grandparents kind of disrespected her but overall she believed she is in the very best place in her life. She lived a rich comfortable life and all because she had a child - it seemed like a dream and so she didn’t question anything her parents-in-law were doing... Endeavor’s father was the only one to dislike the state of affairs in this family

But his opinion didn’t really mattered - he had already failed in life and knew he could do shit without his parents’ money and influence. Nevertheless, he really tried to somehow keep Enji away from his parents’ ideas... His methods didn’t work - all he could was say “Don’t listen to them”, scream or even hit him but none of that made Enji care less about his grandparents - despite being strict, they loved him and convinced him he got to be ambitious and work hard to be the greatest

What didn’t make his father more credible was that he wasn’t really succeful himself and so everyone looked down on him (which made Enji look down on him too). He felt like a failure in his own house so he tried to spent as little time there as he could, probably even cheating on his wife

In short, Enji’s grandparents were corrupted with absolutely disgusting ideas, his father was a loser cheating on his wife and having no say in his house and his mother was going along with everything, wanting her son to be great and somehow fulfill herself through that. I would say Endeavor’s grandfather was kind of a role model for him - strong, confident and a strict head of the family - everything his father could never be. His grandfather promised him a perfect life as an heir to their prestigious household, saying that eventually they will arrange a marriage for him too and so as long as he trains hard evverything would be made for him

but

BUT

They also kind of planned to overthrow the government or something like that with the rest of Destro’s crew... Enji’s parents never knew about that, only grandparents... But their plans were revealed and they were executed on a spot or were killed while resisting their arrest. No one told Enji what exactly happened

His parents were spared and allowed to live as normal family as long as they never follow their footsteps. But that’s were difference between his Mom and Dad became obvious - she hoped that Enji will be succesful regardless of everything that happened when his father wished for... he didn’t know I guess. He had no plan for life and when his parentts died it was clear he had no idea what to do with his own child. All he knew was that his grandparents, whom Enji loved dearly, were awful people

Nor Enji, nor his mother had trust or confidence in his father and so, the man really let his self-esteem issues get into his head. He was unable to be “proper head of the family” and so he ended up lashing out on his wife and son to make them listen to him. It seemed like he hated both of them and sincerely regretted being married. Over time he spent less and less time home and when he was home he would only yell and beat them. Enji’s mother beared with all of that because she sincerely believed her role of a woman is to keep this family together. His father wasn’t that much on “keeping family together” part. Before Enji turned 10, they divorced and Enji too ack his mother’s name - Todoroki

Enji’s mother had no college degree and because of [insert reasons here] couldn’t go back to her parents. So she found a job as a waitress and rented a very small appartment in very poor neighbourhood. It was tough for her to suddenly lose everything. Enji, who previously was a “good kid”, began to act up, skipped school and was pretty shitty in general. That only added to her struggles, she picked up drinking and *drum rolls* lashed out on Enji too, though more often she would just physically punish him or verbally berate him, blaming him for her problems, saying he is “no good” and will grow up to be like his failure of a father

Most of the time she was either at work, drunk or with some man, so Enji tried to avoid being home as much as possible. He didn’t really fit in with the rest of the kid, he felt very awkward outside of “prestigious families” group, not knowing how to behave around more simple-minded people. He also might have despised them or himself. Overall, he lived the same fate any kid from that neighborhoud was living - eventually, many of them became villains, addicts or workers of low-prestige jobs. Such perspectives made Enji only more depressed

Being very prideful and very on his limit, one day he couldn’t stand his mother belitteling him and so he ran away... Actually I like making him bordeline suicidal at this point. Since his Mom was drunk all the time and used to him not being home, she took her time before starting to worry about his disappearance. When she did began to worry she didn’t knew what to do and so, she probably just was full on binge drinking

Meanwhile Enji wondered around cities, probably going to his father’s house and starring blankly into the door. Then he got wasted and was found by some dude whose job is searching for lost kids. He refused to say his name or anything about himself and since his Mom did not file a report no one knew he was missing. Maybe his school was worried though?...

All that stuff happened in April, by the way, the same month the UA Sport Festival was held. And the man who found him took him there (he had two spare tickets from his work or something). I think Enji thought about being a hero before because he was taught to admire strength but seeing them out there in living flesh really inspired him. I also think it would be hilarious if he met young All Might there

The man tried to convince Enji that he can do great stuff and running away from home is no good. He also tried to find out i he was abused at home but Enji was quiet as a fish - admitting to being hurt weak was worse than death to him

So ummm

Enji’s father came to pick him up. It turns out he saw him near the house so he got all worked up and contected da police

While they were driving to his mother’s place, Enji told his Dad about wanting to become a hero and study in UA. As true garbage parent, the latter laughed...

He also told about that idea to his mother and she was furious. Enji went away saying he will take a walk so they can have no worries. When he was back in the evening his parents were mmmhmmm [”oops, sweetheart, you usually go back from your “walks” in the morning, son”] so he decided to return in the morning lol

His Mom went to work, so he roasted his Dad... Figuratively. He reminded how he cheated with their maid and was awful in general. Hid Dad tried to have a talk with him, complimenting how mature he was for his age (never a good thing). Enji said “Well, someone has to be a head of this family” while looking down at him

His Dad also asked him why he want to be a hero

“Well... I have always admired strong people and wanted to be strong myself... And heroes, they are strong, right? They are strong and they save other people. That is noble. Wasn’t that what grandpa meant saying how we should freely use our quirks to do more good in this world?”

“Yeah, that exactly what he meant. You should... Defnitely use your quirk to do good”

Enji - shocked that his father is being supportive; Enji’s father - relieved that his son didn’t understand his grandfather’s ideas

And like that Enji began his road to being a Number One Hero of Japan... That was bumpy. He moved away from his mother, working as much as he could

His father die in some suicide car accident and so Enji inherited his house... His mother either refused to live with him there or had died already

Anyway, it was pretty lonely in such a huge house... He would wonder around aimlessly on his days off... which usually were the days he couldn’t work because he was recovering from injuries.

On one of such days he went to his granfather’s cabinet... Looking through the books, he found the one called “The genetis of quirks”. It seemed interesting

There were a lot of case studies for some reason. One described how individuals might inherit both their parents’ quirk if they had the “opposite” ones

Most intriguing

Looking around the cabinet more, he also found some weird photoalbum with lots of different people Enji had never met. One of photos was signed “Himura - family of ice quirks”

“Well, that must be fate”

/

/

/

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I know that was a lot but believe me it could have been longer. I have maladaptive daydreaming problems

[hikari-blue-blog1]

The Stigma And The Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD)

I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder three years ago. I´m almost 18 by now, and believe me when I say I´ve seen and heard things.

I wanted to share it, for those who live the same things I do, and maybe can feel some relief knowing they´re not alone...

My parents got divorced when I was 5 years old.

My mother worked 8-10 hours per day so she left me and my sister, who is four years younger than me, with my abussive grandmother.

I was emotionally and physically abused on a daily basis. It happened more times than I can count, let alone remember.  

I endured all of it alone, since my mother thought it was normal for her mother to treat me (and me alone, because she didn´t treat that way my cousins or my sister) like that, she let it happen. And by “that” I mean hit me, pinch me, pull my hair, call me horrible names, spank me, scare me on purpose, force me to eat, blame me and punish me for things I didn´t do, humilliate me in front of other people, and so on.

My mother thought it was normal to treat and discipline kids like that because she was treated like that too.

My dad didn´t have a saying on the situation because my mom dissmissed his opinion with the argument above, and said that I was being “too dramatic about it” and “a brat”.

My dad was also diagnosed with borderline personality disorder after his divorce.

He had a similar background. He was abused both emotionally and physically as a kid, and was depressed since then. He drank, abused of his meds, and had many risky sexual encounters while he was still married with my mother.  

I experienced bullying a lot of times and for a lot of reasons since I was in primary school. That resulted in me becoming really insecure of my body, height, weight, face, skin, hair, etc.

I had high grades all my life until 7th grade, when everything went down and everybody around me started to realize something wasn´t okay about me.

It started to show when I was around 12. It became as insomnia and anxiety.

I had depression, anxiety, abnormal eating and sleeping patterns... I experienced self-destructive behaviours (such as cutting, burning and scratching my own skin, pulling my own hair, banging my head against walls due to frustration and anger, drinking, attempted suicide, engaged in harmful and toxic “romantic” relationships and hid it, etc)

I was misdiagnosed three times before getting an accurate diagnosis of my condition, not to mention the amount of money my parents had to pay, the number of psychiatrists and psychologists we went to looking for help and refused to give it because I was too young and too hard to handle.

Some relatives still joke about my condition. Teachers and friends have done it too. They were supposed to help and support me, but only a few did. They say “Are you in your period again?”, “Did you take your normality pills this morning?”, “Don´t mind her, she´s just borderlining right now”, “She´s an attention whore”, “She´s high or something”, and a lot of “jokes” I have to force myself to ignore, sometimes failing miserably.

I still have scars, both emotional and physical. I am still hurting in a lot of ways, and I suffer because of they way I am treated just because of my diagnosis.

Now, I´m trying to get my life back. To build my confidence, to solve problems wisely, to make good choices, to achieve my goals, to build new friendships and to repair old ones, to learn how to deal with my feelings safely. I´ve worked hard, struggled, and endured many hardships. I´m scarred and I´m still covered in sins and flaws. I still fall, but I´m getting up again and again.

Because I´m still a human being. I just feel things more intensely...

When I hate, I hate too much. When I want something, I want it so bad it aches. When I miss someone, I miss them deeply, and it feels as if a hole was being open in my chest. When I suffer, even over things that seem small to you, I suffer as if I was burning alive. When I care, I care too much. When I try, I try too hard. When I love, I love too much, and too intensely, with a burning passion and burning desire to feel the same love in return... Wanting to feel. And I often find myself afraid of being alone, of being rejected, and I tend to get away in fear. I´m just trying to protect my big and soft heart.

Everytime I feel broken I lost all my will to live, and when in dispair I feel the excruciating urge to make my body feel the same things my mind feels. It´s like that every single time. Whenever I feel sad it´s like my chest was being ripped open and I can´t control it when I cry too hard or too frequently. I´m always in need of reassurance, love, acceptance, validation, attention, entertainment, company. I´m always feeling too much.

It´s terrifying and beautiful at the same time, being this way...

Because when I´m happy, it´s an euphoria I cannot explain. It´s sharp and astonishing and pure. It makes me want to dance and sing and laugh out loud. It feels amazing. And being this sensitive makes me see and appreciate every little detail in and around me.

I notice everytime people smile, when they aren´t comfortable, when their mood changes... I notice it when someone has a new haircut, or likes someone, or likes something. I notice if someone has something to say but is afraid to speak their mind. I notice little fragments of myself in others, and it´s beautiful. I always notice and feel too much.

That´s the best part about it. That whenever I feel something it is pure, hard, immaculated, truthful, and contundent. That´s why I decided to share this piece of myself, because I see how people with Borderline Personality Disorder are often misconceived as emotional vampires, cold-hearted monsters, when in reality we´re just humans. We make mistakes too, but we don´t hurt others on purpose. In fact we´re more likely to hurt ourselves, even without trying.

Yes, we´re still humans. After all, isn´t that what humans do? Feel?

People with Bordeline Personality Disorder tend to have the richest feelings and the richest souls. We know we´re not easy to deal with and we are aware of the difference in the way you perceive things and how we do. But we´re worth it.

We make life more thrilling. We feel everything with a passion is worth contemplating and sharing. We´re extremely, vulnerably, beautifully, perfectly human. We dance with the flames of our wide range of emotions, burning out in a multitude of colors and shades. We feel pain and rage and dispair in almost a poetic way, as well as every possitive emotion you can possibly imagine.

Each one of us is battling. Each one of us has a story behind their scars.

Each one of us is as intense as a thousand suns. That´s what people often ignore and is afraid to find out.

That´s the beauty behind the stigma.