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makingausernameisthehardest-blog · 8 years

Text

Thoughts

I never really do this. Writing down my thoughts and how I’m feeling. I’ve only done it once before and it was helpful but i never went back to do it again. I’ve always been the type to just bottle everything up and try not to annoy people with my problems when they have there own to worry about. I rather just deal with it myself. But what im writing isnt just about me its also about my ex, my current girlfriend, as well as her ex.

I was in a relationship with my ex for almost 5 years. Within those years I stupidly loved her and let her get away with much more than i should’ve. I should’ve realized from the start that it was going to be a lot of shit but i was blinded by just wanting to be in a relationship and being happy. We started talking on facebook and I knew she had a boyfriend but I still spoke to her. We only spoke for 9 days before getting into a relationship. She told me she had broken up with her boyfriend which i later found out wasn’t even true. Not even two months into our relationship she broke up with me the first time. Her reasoning was because she needed to figure some things out when it came to our relationship and how she was feeling, meanwhile she said we could still act like a couple and shit but just without the label. Like the idiot i was i went along with it. The real reasoning was that she just wanted the chance to choose between me and our friend Josue whom she already had a past with. After about a month of that bullshit we officially got back together. Not long after that I was hanging out with my friend Allyson who Tati had gotten jealous of just because she was a female friend, We were coming back from ice skating in queens and Josue texted me saying that he and Tati had kissed. I was obviously infuriated and contacted her to ask her what was going on and i got both sides of the story. I wasn’t surprised to find out that both gave different stories. I don’t remember his but I do remember that her reasoning was that he took her back and said he wouldnt give it back unless she kissed him so she did. I had responded asking what if he had asked her for more, what should she have done then. She obviously said she wouldnt have done it but at the end of the day idk if i believed her or not. The point was that she pretty much cheated on me. My friend was very pissed off telling me i shouldnt forgive her and a lot of other things about her that were actually true but i was too blinded by my stupidity. I let her get away with a lot. She would always only be hanging out with guy friends and allowing them to flirt with her because of how much she loved the attention she was getting. I remember i had a list of guys that i gave her once that all started flirting with her because she tried to make it seem like i was overreacting when i would get upset. Meanwhile throughout the relationship i had about 2 close female friends. One ws Allyson and the other was my current girlfriend Aliana. Neither of them ever tried anything with me, not even flirt with me but she still didnt like them and tried to make it seem like i was wrong for not ending my friendship with them. Another thing was that I would ALWAYS pick her up from school. I would ditch my friends to be with her. Instead of going to my boxing training or playing baseball with my best friends i would go out of my way to pick her up but she would rarely do the same for me even when she had the chances to. I didnt care about that but i did care that whenver she would go hangout with her guy friend she would be travel all over the place to go meet up with them but never did the same for me. Why did i stay with this girl for so long??? cause im stupid. Another guy that she allowed to go overboard was this guy named Jeremy. I had already graduated highschool so this had to be at least a year or two into the relationship. By now she had broken up with me at least twice for the same reason as before. Being confused about her feelings. Meanwhile i know the reason reason was so she could go explore with other guys. But back to Jeremy. She met him at my old high schools dance, i had expressed that i didnt really want her to go but I’m not controlling so i let her go anyway because i decided to trust her. Ended up meeting the guy who would flirt with her A LOT and she would just let it go. At the dance she mentioned how he would put his hands on sides/waist and how she felt some type of way but never actually mentioned telling him to stop or anything. He was very rude and disrespectful as well but since he would also flirt with her she would let it go for the attention. I would tell her how i dont like the guy and how i would like it if she stopped talking to him but she would talk to him behind my back anyway. On to the next guy. Im writing this thinking god damn ho stupid was i to just let this keep happening instead of just breaking up with her. There was this guy named David, boy did i hate him. lol. He was her ex who was part of the group that was going to spread her nudes and also harassed her. For some reason she wanted to get back in contact with him. At first she was seeking out an apology for what had happen all those years ago and she got it. She also told me she wasnt seeking out a friendship with him but just talk about what happened and shit. But come to find out they were actually talking on a daily basis and he was flirting with her pretty heavily. She would have never told me but i found the text one day while i was on her phone. At not point during the conversation did she tell him to stop or say it was inappropriate but she just let it keep going. He also had a girlfriend and when i told her that she should tell her she would always come up with some excuse as to why she shouldn’t. She never actually ended the friendship but she would tell me that they dont talk anymore until i would look at her phone and see that they had been texting. Not only had they been texting but she had attempted to hangout with him on more than one occasion but it never happened. For all i know they did hangout and for all i know something probably happened because i know hes the type to try something and shes not the type to stop him. ANOTHER ONE. This is a short one though. There was a guy named Robert (had to choose a guy with the same damn name as me too lol) she met him in college i dont remember which school. But they were friends and i was cool with it because it seemed like he wasnt trying anything with her. Come to find out “he kissed her” i put quotations cause its just more like they kissed. She didn’t tell me until two weeks later. For some reason I wasn’t even mad, i wasn’t hurt or anything. I didnt care. I guess after everything that happened up to that point I wasn’t surprised anymore and just didnt care. Last Two! Since I’m bringing up another breakup I realized I forgot to mention that before this she broke up with me i think one or two more times. I forget but again it was for the same reason. I know I broke up with her once for that reason too but it was more because she was a crappy girlfriend but i still got back with her like an idiot anyway. But back to this guy. His name was Matthew. She told me they were just friends but I thought there was more to it and i was right. Not long after they became friends she broke up with me. Only a few days later I saw on her Instagram pictures of him at her house and of them always hanging out and i couldnt believe that it just happened a few days after we broke up so i went snooping. I wasnt proud of myself but i knew her facebook password and decided to go through her messages. i knew she would never tell me the truth but i had to find out for myself. Found out they had been flirting i think a week before she had even broke up with me so i pretty much got cheated on for the 3rd time to my knowledge. I wouldn’t be surprised if there were other instances where she cheated on me. During that time we were broken up for about 1 month i believe. I spoke to only 1 person about it. The other was my best friend Aliana who had been there for me more than anyone. She helped a lot because i was having a hard time dealing with it all. She was the only one i really felt comfortable talking about my feelings with. I was so used bottling everything up but she was able to get me to open up. I felt myself catching feelings for her but i was still too focused on my ex that i never dared to try anything. I wish i wouldve stood single and eventually gone after her at that time. My dumbass still got back with her even after that. She realized i was a better guy then him and came running back and i fell for it again. I dont know why. Not long after I broke up with her because i couldnt trust her and i was tired of all the bullshit. This time we were broken up for about 2 months. I spoke to my friend jess about it mostly. I didn’t tell aliana at first because i felt stupid for going through the same shit all over again. My ex actually went to her instead for some reason asking for advice. She went to MY best friend for advice. Ali only told her that she needs to give me space and time. During those 2 months I was sad about the breakup but i also knew it was better off, but for some reason I ended up going back to her again. The last guy. His name was Jaylen. They became friends at her school TCI. He had a girlfriend who he didnt really claim. He referred to her as the girl he’s fucking. He would say he doesnt want to be with her but he doesnt want to hurt her. Eventually she told her that he liked her and not long after that she wanted break up with me. She did the same thing as always, she would distance herself and then say we need to talk. I saw it coming. Before she told me the fake reasoning i asked her if it was because of him and she promised that it wasnt. The next day she came clean and told me it was because she developed feelings for him. I was mostly upset about the fact that she lied. She told me they werent going to peruse anything but not long after there were a bunch of pictures of him on her IG. For a while i didnt tell anyone the complete story because again I felt incredibly stupid. I spoke to jess and ali again. Ali had been close to breaking up her boyfriend at the time as well. She was there for me just as i was for her. We would hangout a lot and talk about it all and sometimes just have fun. At one point my ex tried to pop back into my life again apologizing and saying she won't do it again. The same shit again and I almost fell for it again but this time I didn't. I thought about it and made sure I remembered why we were broken up in the first place. How shitty of a girlfriend she was and how I couldn't trust her. She wanted to meet up to talk about this and I agreed to. Her reasoning different than mine. When we met up she tried to kiss me even though I made it clear in the text that it wasn't going to happen. We went to a park in her area and spoke for a while. I told her how I couldn't trust her anymore because she broke it. After everything that happened I finally woke the fuck up and I told her I don't know what the future holds but right now there isn't going to an us. That's how it finally ended. Now I didn't write this because all of this still bothers me or I still care about her or anything because I don't. I wrote this because I never actually gave myself the chance to completely talk about all the bullshit she did in the relationship not that I haven't had someone to talk to it about with. I just kept it all inside. I'm sure I missed a few things but I decided to focus on the big ones. At first this was also going to be about my girlfriend too but I'm going to make a separate post since this one is already super long lol.

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