#and even then she doesnt really have much of a perosnality

[thebisexualwreckoning]

I've been thinking a lot about The Hunger Games recently, especially with the new book coming out. About how Suzanne Collins managed to write a book that continues to ripple effect most every single book in the YA genre to this day. The Hunger Games is the ginormous elephant in the room, every single book that comes out with a 17 year old girl who stages an uprising or fights a violent regime is going to be compared to Katniss.

The Hunger Games is one of those books that you can't really recreate though and no matter how much you try, it's just going to be a pale imitation of the original (Powerless anyone?). Unfortunately though, most still continue to try without understanding what Collins was attempting to do with the books, which is probably why she keeps releasing new more blatantly obvious versions of the first books to try and get her point across. Which, while I appreciate as a reader, is slightly terrifying as a human being.

However, the point of this essay is not to make a critique on the decaying moral values of modern day readers and how this trend is only exacerbated through social media, but to talk about Katniss and Alina and how the same endings on seemingly similar characters (at least if you're looking at it through surface level view) can end up being so so different.

I want to preface this by saying that I do not believe that Leigh Bardugo plagiarised Katniss' epilogue for Alina, I'm just pointing out that nothing exists in a vacuum and within the timeline of her publishing journey, it makes sense that certain aspects of her novels might have been influenced by Suzanne Collins.

While Katniss and Alina might appear to be very similar characters at first glance, both impoverished 17 year old girls who have had nothing for most of their lives swept away to live a life of luxury in exchange for laying down their lives for their new benefactors (Literally in Katniss' case), that is where the similarities end. Alina is special, she's the chosen one, better than everyone else in the world of the novels (or at least until Zoya comes in and ends up becoming the most specialest grisha to ever exist) because she is the only one with the power to destroy the Fold. When Alina learns that the Darkling is 'evil', she runs away to try and stop him, making the active decision to being a saviour of the people.

Katniss on the other hand is just some random girl. She isn't special, she wasn't chosen as a child and raised for the purpose of overthrowing the capitol, she doesn't have magic powers, Katniss is nothing. End of story. If it wasn't Katniss, then it could have been any other 17 year old girl. Katniss is not necessary for the destruction of elite upper class of The Hunger Games. That would have happened regardless. They could have created any other martyr the same way they created Katniss post the 74th Hunger Games. Alina has been powerless all her life, so she chooses to become a saviour, Katniss has been powerless all her life and she just wants to be left alone.

Which is why it makes no sense for them to have the same character arcs. When Katniss settles down with Peeta in the ruins of District 12 and helps rebuild, eventually learning and falling in love with who Peeta is outside of regime where they must be on constant guard because survival is not guaranteed, it is a realistic ending. One that shows us that hope exists among darkness. That our past does not have to define our future. That surviving and choosing to live despite the darkness of our pasts is also a method of rebellion. It's almost hopepunk in a way which makes sense considering the majority consensus among current THG readers that Katniss was most likely native coded - specifically of the Melungeon people of Appalachia on her father’s side. Katniss has always dreamt of a peaceful life where she does not have to worry about her family being drafted for the hunger games and now she gets it despite the pyrrhic sense of their victory. It's a moment to be celebrated but also a moment to reflect on what it took to get here, all that was sacrificed.

When Alina settles down with Mal at the end of the story to become a farmer's wife, she is giving up on her dream. Being a farmer has always been Mal's dream, Mal's vision of their future. It makes no sense for Alina to want it too, a character who up till this moment has shown no signs of wanting domesticity. When Alina loses her powers, it's supposed to be a tragedy. Alina has had nothing, her entire life has revolved around Mal ever since that orphanage. Her grishaness was the only thing that she ever had for herself, the one thing she had say over, not Mal. Alina's ending honestly reminds me of how so many woman with bright futures give up their hobbies and careers when they the world's most beigest man (why yes that was an interview with the vampire reference) just because their husbands don't like it when they aren't there to serve 24/7.

But this the part that gets me the most: The children.

Alina retires to Keramzin with Mal and rebuilds the Orphanage. Which would have been fine, if a boring ending for such an interesting character, except not once has she shown any inkling of wanting to do this throughout the series. In Siege and Storm, we see Alina grow more ambitious, wanting to lead the second army and growing more and more powerful. What happened to this girl? Why did she suddenly decide to give it all up and become a glorified housewife? Alina's ending does not have any of the nuance that Katniss had. Alina has never shown any feeling remotely close to wanting to run the orphanage. By returning at the end of Ruin and Rising, she's just recreating her childhood, Mal deciding what they do and her simply following along. Alina is stuck in this endless cycle of being dragged around and defined by a man and no matter what she does, she cannot escape.

However in The Hunger Games, we are shown throughout the series how much Katniss desires children, desires that domestic life. It is repeatedly drilled into the reader that the only reason Katniss has chosen not to have children is because she refuses to let another child live to grow up fearing their own death in the Arena. She does not want her children to live the same life she has lived. With the threat of the Hunger Games and the Capitol gone, there is nothing stopping her from having children. Katniss shows us through her actions how much she loves kids, first with Prim who you might be able explain away with a familial bond and then with Rue. Hell, she even cares for the other kids her own age in the arena, who she understands are only acting the way they are due to their desperate desire to survive. Katniss feels terrible whenever she has to kill. She does not desire power, she has no ambition except to live. Katniss pretends to be that 'tough guy' YA heroine stereotype to hide how fucking scared she is. Katniss is a teenage girl forced to be the face of a revolution and she wants nothing more than to resign.

A common critique of Katniss' ending that I've heard is that she doesn't mention the names of her children in the epilogue. I think this is very deliberate. The Hunger Games is very meta as a book. Suzanne's entire intention when writing it was to make her audience realise that the moment they picked up a book where children are forced to fight to the death for entertainment (because let's be real, who would have thought this series to have turned out to be what it is based on the blurb from the first book) we became the members of the Capitol. By committing the crime of reading Katniss story looking to be entertained, we have doomed ourselves. And I believe Katniss herself knows this to an extent. So, when Katniss doesn't mention the names of her children, I think its not because she doesn't cares for them, but its because she refuses to let us know. It's bit of a fuck you to the audience. A little bit of a, "You've had everything of me. I will not let you have this." moment for her.

So why is it that Katniss is the one who is considered to be written ooc (out of character) while Alina is relegated to the role of girlboss and 'feminism means respecting a women's ability to choose for herself teehee'? My personal belief is that it has a lot to do with modern day opinions on women's rights and the rise of the romanticised cottagecore/tradwife aesthetic in a post-pandemic world (GASP! It was the phones all along??!!!) and the absense of any critical thinking being employed while reading with the advent of booktok and the depoliticization of reading. BUT ☝️that is a post for another day because I am not paid enough (or like, at all) to write these.

Anyway, i digress that is all just my opinion - which is of course coloured a lot through my opinions on Leigh Bardugo herself, so take it with a pinch of salt. Everyone is free to believe what they want to (we are a free-ish world after all) and that might mean believing everything I have written is (pardon my French) a load of bullshit. No offense taken, I too often believe that what I have written is a pile of bullshit. But I truly do believe in this and I hope you do too.

Signing out!

Your Local YA Reader

[sinsodom]

Ive seen someone pointing out Caleb most likely being experimented on as well and also that remembers it and can we talk how devastating that could be his personality developtment as a literal child? As LI all he sees and has is MC - the only person who survived the same thing he did, be it experiments or/and being orhpaned due to chronorift catastrophy. Stripped of everything but his name and few perosnal data, MC doesnt even have that. So MC remains his only link to past and present. But she doesnt remeber and he doesnt want her to suffer, not then, not now. Most people would be pissed off or hurt upon being forgotten *cough raf cough* which is valid human reaction, but from what we saw in the memories, he is soft with her, ready to remind her his name and their bond. Because despite being child himself, who needed to be protected as well, he decided to care for her. And we could write paragraphs about how draining it must have been and how damaging to young person' developtment. He shows clear signs of untreated trauma but yeah, call him a villain and lets call it a day /s. Sorry for rambling >.>

Ramble xD i love it 💚

The only thing i really put hate on, is the reunion. No one was sorry, not even a hug?? What would've been possible in his home ffs. No. Cold and nothing. But thats the storys fault.

My theory from Sylus on is still: linkon is the bad shit here xD Bad Sylus prepares n109 for war and ratting out the truth. The 3 boys are either in knowledge of that, or, if not, don't know that linkon is dark in real 🤔

With this perspective its a wonder that Caleb came through with lying to the whole fleet 🤣 that was way too easy come on 🤣 fact is: he has a plan. For me: i think that Caleb got found from Viper and co. Side, they saved his life but he has to pay for it. Or they are in fact good maybe xD ofc he is a bit possessive?? Are you for real he suffered af and what, took her hand at night and dreamt to keep her safe 🤣 yeah bad Caleb.

I point out here that he COULD lock her if he wanted to and he didnt. Facts. The "no caring for the others hurt" rages me just 😒

The first thing i asked myself was, whats MC's story. Parents where?? Core how?? Not much info. What if she has like an alpha core or whatever, fact is, everyones behind her. For that Caleb is kinda calm?? Its sad that so many people want a SO dark villain (+fanfics present him like that too mostly)... i would call him everything, curse him and maybe a soft punch but fuck, i would hug the shit out of him and cuddle him to sleep meanwhile being mad on him 🤣

I am happy that i am not alone with my perspective and dont hesitate to throw theories and storys at me 🤣💚

[astronnova]

don't know if you still like scatter & wilt, but if you could make it canon (friendship, romance, doesn't matter) how would you do it within the story and if you could bend the canon?

see, thats where you're wrong. i've never stopped liking scatter & wilt. i've been on the scatter and wilt train since i was 14. im over 18 now. the locomotive will not be stopping either. im in this for the long haul

SO LIKE .... okay, in my head, i'd loooove canon s&w, but also i don't think them being a Canon Romantic Pairing would be the best. when i write stories i perosnally don't write that many romances, and in a show like RWBY i think there shouldn't be any focal romances (esp. since the showrunners have proven time and time again they have no idea what the hell they're doing). the show should focus on the character relationships but ... not romantic. dear God not romantically

THIS GOT LONG

IF I WERE TO MAKE S&W (of any form) CANON THOUGH... first we gotta overhaul the whole show. its garbage. we gotta restart. go back to beacon we're starting over.

hell FIRST fix is to make adam & blake not romantic ex's . he was her mentor, she looked up to him, he's like one or two years older than her. adam is mentored by sienna, who stokes the fire of his rage against the humans. blake and adam's falling out is over blake still choosing to see the good in humans while adam rejects them due to his past. he is NOT, i repeat NOT a crazy incel ex. WE ARE NOT DOING THAT HERE! ❌❌❌ NO SIR!

making adam crazy over blake only instead of keeping him focused on his ideals (like v1-(early)3 adam) keeps the faunus subplot from being swept under the rug like it is in canon

THE NEXT FIX. ruby's main struggle is her trying to come into her own as a leader. she has stage fright, she's socially awkward, she was bumped up one grade (ONE, not two this time), and her teammates don't take her seriously because of her lack of field experience despite her being a combat and intellectual prodigy.

the thing that drew me originally to s&w was their shared themes of red/black and roses, specifically rose petals played a huge part in their semblance. both left behind rose petals after using their semblance of speed and disintegration respectfully. it was very , very cool. 14 year old me then thought about how they could be narrative foils too. SO THATS WHAT WE'RE DOING LOL

adam is really interesting as an antagonist because he perfectly foils all four of the main girls. yang and adam with anger issues that are reflected in their semblances (even though v1-3 yang never had issues but whatever), blake for obvious reasons, WEISS for obvious reasons (seriously missed opportuninty), and finally ruby due to their opposing leadership roles.

adam is someone who is comfortable in a leadership role, he knows what he's doing. he's had plenty of experience and those that follow him know his capabilities and greatly respect him. he's an excellent leader, and he's devoted himself to his ideals and fights for his cause. he inspires others to fight with him and follow him. ruby, on the other hand, has no idea what she's doing.

she's awkward, she stutters, and not even her team take her seriously, much less other people. hell, ruby doesn't even have a concrete reason for wanting to become a huntress at this early point, all she knows is that she wants to be a hero and that her mother was her hero and a huntress, so that means being a huntress is being a hero. she doesnt know what being a hero means yet though

adam on the other hand knows what being a hero is, to him at least. its fighting for the people that can't fight for themselves, for the oppressed. using his strength to tear down those that abuse their strength and make them suffer in the opressed's place

apart of me wants to say that adam believes humans should instead be oppressed for. like. narrative reasons i guess? but also heres the thing i am aware that i am not able to do this subplot justice and def cant write up a nice draft on my first try right here. so i am going to politely leave it there for anyone else with more experience with this topic to attempt adding on if they wish. i think the main point im trying to make is that adam's idea of heroism needs to be strong, yet also he has to be wrong in some sort of way which is what separates him from the protagonists. he Goes To Far, or something. i dont know. i dont think i can write that well enough at this point in time too

so all this set up comes to this: their relationship. i think having ruby and adam meet outside of any combat related circumstance would be a pretty cool way to have them introduced to eachother, and opens up the chance for dialogue. i can't see them attempting to talk during a fight, and the only fight i can think of happening with the white fang is the breach in v2 where ruby and adam could meet. but at that point, ruby would either know about adam through blake and be wary, or blake would see adam and point out who he is. my point is that i think they need to meet outside of their own circles for a real chance at having them converse with narrative weight. could also make it a stressful scene where the audience knows whats going on while ruby does not.

ruby might meet adam at night in vale, in a shady back alley as she takes shortcuts to get back to beacon while blake talks to weiss or yang about her past mentor. blake could describe how much he loathes humans, and that he would hurt a human on sight simply because, overlayed with ruby seeing adam in an alleyway or something. the audience is on edge, blake is on edge, adam is on edge, and ruby is clueless. having the scene end with adam not attacking ruby and instead having him leave her unharmed releases the tension from the audience while also having them immediately question blake. was blake embellishing the truth? or was she simply telling her truth? especially for a character who's whole thing is lies and misdirection. could be interesting i think.

any conversation adam and ruby do have would be their opposing views on what being a hero means, and what you have to do as a hero. more so, ruby not knowing what heroism means to her besides it being ideallic while adam is much more jaded and set in stone about what heroism means. gimmie that juicy narrative conflict. the conflicting ideals. thats what im here for.

if there is a reveal for ruby that he is adam of the white fang, or his past with blake, or anything, you could easily slot in a betrayal element (but id rather save betrayal for cinder and ruby) or something. maybe the white fang aren't as antagonistic as they are in the show proper (to the point of Evil Pokemon Organization for the sake of it), or something, but i could see adam mentioning at some point that a leader must be a rock, or something along the lines of why he succeeds in leadership. maybe during a fight? who the hell knows. he plants ideas in rubys head about heroism, that maybe heroism isnt just upholding the law or upholding the current system. he makes her, and the audience, think. thats the important part

eventually at the end of an arc, or something, i think ruby would be able to answer him confidently about what it means to be a hero to her, and that their definitions are similar, but not the same, and that is why they'll remain on opposing sides until one budges. and both are incredibly stubborn. i think ruby's conclusion of what being a hero is, is to help those that cannot help themselves and to see the good in the world no matter what. one of her key traits is her optimism compared to everyones pessimism.

maybe some reasons for adam's interest in ruby is that optimism of hers. he used to be younger and idealistic too, but the world is cruel and he has seen the worst that the world has to offer, stuff like that. he finds it frustrating, or maybe even annoying, that the system that thrives off putting him and his people down creates naive shut ins like ruby. maybe he then respects her and sees her as an equal after she figures out how she sees the world. or something. ruby sees the good in everyone despite the horrors people throw at her, and maybe she inspires him to do the same. idk

this is all not even talking about the can of worms that is weiss and adam. which is also so interesting to me but they just didnt tickle 14 year old me's brain so. im stuck with the Rarest Rarepair. all aboard lol

i find it so interesting how they could be represented by monty's distinction, ruby is scatter, and adam is wilt. two different ways for dealing with conflict despite their similar appearances of something traditionally sweet and loving: roses

now if i wasn't just writing a story with an exploration of themes and you just told me to take what i want and force two characters together to make out, yeah id have ruby and adam tongue sloppy. who's gonna stop me

[zaynes-ocs]

Day 10: Personality

So I wasnt fully sure what to really do for this one so i guess i’ll just run through a bunch of my dnd guys and talk about how they are a lil bit!~ :D

Milo Thatcher

Milo is cocky in a “mysterious bastard” kind of way. Hes got a sort of lazy grin with eyes too wild for how calm he seems. Its almost lke he’s always holding in a laugh, especially when he greets people with his hand outstretched. Hes a bit of a prankster, and thanks to the constant mild electrical field around him, he cant touch people without firat giving then an involuntary static shock, so he plays it like one of those prank hand buzzers, he finds it utterly hilarious. With his hometown gone and him having to be on the run for the murders hes committed, hes grown to be a very laid back guy that goes with whatever happens. He likes to live in the present and not dwell much on the past nor future, though hes haunted and chased by his past so it never truly goes away from him. He’s DEFINITELY bottling up a majority of his feelings and he snaps pretty easily, hence the trail of bodies, though not all were the cause of him snapping. Ever since his execution, he has been a different person entirely. The electricial current rewired his frontal lobe, and so hes in a constant flux of personality through his years and is no longer the person he used to be.

Xadian

Xadian is a loud, boisterous personality hellbent on causing as much damage and chaos as possible in whatever form he takes. Hailing from the quiet abyss he loathes being alone and despises silence even more. Hes always quick to cause a commotion and belt his affections for all the world to hear, but for a demon he’s weirdly honest. He flat out refuses to tell any direct lies, the furthest he’ll go is leave out information, but he’d never outwardly tell a lie, and hes also very against alcohol at least in perosnal taste. He can be a bit of a perv at times, but outwardly presents as a hopeless romantic with an odd way of keeping relationships in tact. At his core though, he’s incredibly lonely and terrified of being abandoned.

Jasiker Willowspeak

He wants it to be over. He wants everything to be over he is the most tired and depressed man you will ever meet, the sheer epitome of the “yes honey” meme. He’s tired and done and he cannot leave he is stuck with xadian until the body dies and even then he’s tied to the motherfucker for his entire afterlife. He regrets everything that led to this and constantly curses his younger self for his arrogance to think he could summon a demon without consequence. He drowns himself in alcohol to numb himself to the world, but when the demon posessing you doesnt like it when you drink, he finds even that difficult. He’s very cynical and dry to the world, though he has a good heart that still tries to do good where he can because even if his own world is dead and pointless, the world around him isnt lost yet, but he doesnt believe he can do much to aid the world except try his best to keep Xadian under control.

Wendy Willowspeak

She was the light of Jasiker’s life. A loud, energetic child that gleefuly wished for nothing more than to dirty herself in the mud and twigs of the forest searching for wild boars to ride. Young and naieve, yet stubborn and tougher than a lumberjack she knew the forest inside and out and would constantly get on jasiker’s nerves when her dirty feet tracked mud all throughout the newly cleaned house. She was a proud kid who wasnt afraid of anything. Until she had something to be scared of.

Rothgar

Rothgar is a cold, cynical grump thats been beaten down in the world he finds himself in, exploring a time thousands of years away from when he originated, entirely outside his own will, though it is a world he prefers as he’s found an appreciation for the technology of (early)guns and finds that even in civilized society, the law of the jungle still very much applies. Many would call him mad for the curse of eternal hunger placed upon him and the one of bloodlust that makes him vengeful and hungry for battle, but he has calmed into an old, bitter dinosaur who knows to hunt when he needs, able to eat anything with the gift of his patron, he spares no one. He has a soft spot for children, however as they do not know the true blight of sentience yet, but when they come to learn he will treat them with the same bitterness he treats the rest of the world. Its everyone for themselves in this hell of an existence, and Rothgar is no exception.

[tylerwritez]

Tuesday, june 22 2021

I've noticed I'm getting "the shiverys" or "the twitchy" a lot today. Like every time I FEEL something I take a moment to violently tic.... every time I think about certain things I tic.... good things, bad things, things from an hour ago and things from years ago. Tic, tic, tic.

Also, I have... some stuff to explain. Its really no big deal, but you know me: I'll freak out about it anyway. Basically I dissed my friend (rightfully so) around the time that we had just met cos they did something that threw me off.

He saw it in my phone... NOW. it's not RELEVANT anymore and I've since redacted that criticism...and now I gotta explain it to him anwyays. Oh well. I'm good at this stuff. I can get myself outta any situation. I dont even know why I'm talking like this tho... it's not a "Situation" it's just smthn I gotta explain rq.

Oh, today's song recommendation is Spirit Crusher by Death. I'm a huge Death fan...

Also! I gotta study... for my replacement exam. How stressful. Its about photosynthesis, but like, it's not simple. We went DEEP inside those fucking leaves.

One sec, lemme hook up my IV tube

Not an ACTUAL IV tube... just my headphones. But since I'm so #emo, it might as well be a fucking IV tube with the way that I cant live without it.

Its 3:08 and I'm walking home now. I was upset last night but me and Star have made up now lol... it was thAt easy. I'm so defective, making shit hard when it doesnt need to be.

It's so hot out damn. Idk. I had school today, so I had Bio class... I ACTUALLY PAID ATTENTION for once. I had lunch with Star and her friend group, and I honestly kinda feel like they're MY friends now too, even just a little bit.

Actually, I used to rant about feeling lonely like all the time but now I have so many friends it's crazy they all keep inviting me places and it's like people WANT ME AROUND... idk. It makes me happy.

Today I gotta ask if tommroow after school I can go to Bee's house to watch Supernatural (famous homoerotic ghost show)

I should also add songs to Erin's spotify playlist for our picnic saturday which I still need permission to go to.

I gotta ask for Wednesday after school to watch Insidious with Jay  which is apparently really good

Also hes the friend that I gotta explain stuff to... the DrAmA... the ThEaTrE....

Update my dad said yes to hanging out with Bee but first I'm gonna miss school to fix my broken brackets on my braces

Also turns out the house I THOUGHT we were moving into has substantial damage from shifting so... we aRENT moving there.

In case you didn't know, shifting is when like the house that's been built literally SHIFTS like it moves around.

Anwyays Jay just texted me... I'm gonna change into shorts since it's hot, set up my study area,.... and respond to him.

The time is 3:22 p.m.

Wish me. Luck.

Luck is plentiful! As it so often is in my risky, risky life.

I play my cards right. It's a learnt skill.

But also there wasnt much to explain since it passed already and was tiny anywyas.

XD so I've made up with the whole goddamn world by now.

Its 6:31, we saw 1 house. Only one. Its kinda hot out but I'm gonna bike now since we just had supper. I finally finished my homework... I just have to finish one mixed media piece as my final project for art!

Friday is my replacement. On photosynthesis and cell resp. We know this. But what I didn't mention, or I dont THINK I did, is that if I finish my art project before then I have the second block FREE!!! Me, Star, and her friend

A are planning to leave for second block and maybe get mint chocolate chip ice cream!

Also I might eat her out XD

Anyways idk. I hope I can bike tonight to call Jay.

I keep accidentally using people's real names here then having to correct it... I dont know how much i care about MY identity being discovered... but to have my friends doxxed would suck.

Man I feel bad abt saying fuck star last night cos we made up....

Wait we r looking at another house? Idk I'm in the car still waiting to go home

Oh wait no now we r goin home

Its 6:39... I hope I still have time.

I went biking, called Jay. Went home. Idk, friendly conversation... we talked more tonight and I also talked to my other friend A. Jay is... I LOVE HIM?? SO MUCH??? I feel so happy. Talking to him thinking about him seeing his STUPID FUCKING FACE JESUS. his eyes alone... I could stare at his face all day probably. I want to kiss him... hOLD HIS HAND... omg... huG HIM!!! Eofjwpxjwie he's so sweet like I can't even... and I'm proabably not good enough for him like. Wtf. Hes easily a 10. And I dont rate things outta 10. How tf do I end up with HIM? Doing stuff, as friends. Like wHAT. I guess I got lucky XD. He says he loves my personality and I'm hot XD ofc I dont see it myself. But like. JESUS CHRIST he could proabably easily pull whOever. XD me?

Whatever though. As long as we r together and stuff. I LOVE HIM A LOT. he said he loved me. Every time he says that it makes me so overly happy.

Maybe I'm just sappy and stuff.... whatever. I think it would be nice to be hugged by him.

Yeah I'm cheesy.

I'm sorta tired now so maybe I'm not writing the best.

I just keep thinkinf about love. Love is a muscle of evil suggestion. But how evil can it really be? I am just a human being and that is all. Everything else is applied. I am just a human being with soemthing in my heart that pulls me all over the place. Love is this strange thing because I'm fucked up and to be able to love without that fucked up part of me, without the damage... is this complicated, hard thing to do and I can NEVER tell if I'm doing it right but I know I'm DOING IT. I know I FEEL LOVE. And soemtimes it's such an intense thing like when you go to surf on a wave at the beach with ur belly but u hit it wrong and it's so big and overwhelming it washes over you and PULLS you down to the bottom and smushes your face into the sand and YOU CANT BREATHE jesus Christ it's like that.

Or maybe I just want to experience love as it should be felt.

Obviously all of my problems surrounding this Damage could be easily fixed if I went to therapy but. there are reasons I can't.

I LOVE a lot. Too much for my own good. Enough to hurt me, get me into trouble, etc etc but also... enough to liberate me. I LOVE. I love Jay. So much. LIKE. MY BRAIN ORBITS AROUND HIM CONSTANTLY THINKING OF HIM AND PRAISING HIM AND MWUAH HE IS SO LOVELY I BOW BEFORE HIM...

I think as much as I love, a lot of the times I tend to focus even more on BEING loved.

If I am told I am loved, and shOwN I am loved... it is one of the most powerful things. Especially since I was literally emotionally neglected in childhood... yeah. I feel like I'm always trying to fill that hole.

Not EVERY feeling I have is for that reaosn but sometimes, if you tell me you love me, show me you love me, hug me,... I'll like start crying,,, that's the childhood emotional neglect kicking in. If you call me #smol and #cute and say I look young and fragile which happens more often than you'd think XD, I know I'm not supposed to like that shit, so I act like I dont....but I do. Which is PROBABLY ALSO THE CEN 🤪  like whatever lol

Anwyays I'm fucked up

You see how quickly things become complicated in my mind?

Convoluted? Is that the word?

Whatever. I OVERCOMPLICATE THINGS COS I OVERTHINK THEM BECAUSE I'm LITERALLY MENTALLY ILL IN SO MANY DIFFERENT WAYS. I'm not joking. I obviously have unresolved undiagnosed "issues"

I do Suspect things, though.

I can make a list

Maybe I shouldn't.

Maybe I will.

I shouldnt.

Whatever.

I used to hate when people brought up my self harm. I would actually panic. I still self harm but now? Now I'm fine with anyone  talking about it as long as it's not an adult who can get me into trouble/force me into therapy over it. Because really? I kinda like having it mentioned. It's kinda validating and it's like hey... people can see that I'm sick.

I dont do it so people talk to me about it though. Dont get me wrong. If I did, I'd go vertically on the arms, not for suicide but so it healed and people would ask XD.

My scars are actually VERY hidden... cos I never intended for ANYONE to see. But for those who DO see them,,,, it's nice soemtimes to have people express concern.

I dont wanna be PITIED or anything, but idk I just think to myself "wow, they're CONCERNED... about ME... they arent angry or mean... they didnt yell at me or threaten me... they respect my autonomy and privacy...

And they CARE ABOUT ME..." and it makes me cry.

That's also the CEN.

I dont know. I just like when people express genuine concern. Even if they see and then just ask if I'm okay. That's all it takes cos then I go wow.

Its validating and irs lovely because finally people care... FINALLY PEOPLE CARE. FINALLY I GET SOME EMPATHY OR SYMPATHY AND NO ANGER.

Even just having them brought up tells me its noticeable enough

My brain does this thing where it thinks nothing bad that's ever happened to me was Bad Enough for me to be upset about.

And I dont know... its nice sometimes to be told shit like "omg that looks so bad" or to see that people who do see my cuts are somewhat shocked or revolted... it's nice because I go... "hey, it was bad enough for them..."

Or to have people comment on them with concern. Just ANYTHINT WHERE PEOPLE NOTICE IT AND ARENT ASSHOLES ABOUT IT IS VALIDATING.

Because I'm not used to that...

Because CEN

I'm. The worst perosn on the fucking planet.

I should kill myself.

I suddenly actually feel so self hating I do want to kill myself... oh god.

I ruin everything. Everything. Everything. Everything. What have I done. Like. Why. Oh god.

I'm just remembering when Star said my kindness seemed like an act. And how I've been called out for seeming fake like 2 other times.

DO I SEEM FAKE???? I DONT EVER PUT ON ACTS OF KINDESS.... CONCIOUSLY? but the very idea that I could be perceived that way...

Should I like not try to be nice or some shit?

Jesus christ she hurts my feelings even now when it was a long time ago.

But I cant blame her. I can't blame anyone for how i feel except my parents because they left me with fucking. Heart nerve damage or some shit.

I'm tired and now I'm sad too. Goodnight guys.

[chumpmagump]

27/08/2020

I dont really know what to say. I’m forcing myself to write something because I think if i leave it inside it will become something uglier. I really should be taking my own advice that i give clients, so here i am today trying.  I have been stupidly irritated and moody by things at work the past week. I dont know if its compassion fatigue, i dont think it is because I was on the verge of tears at work yesterday after hearing two horrible things from clients.  I think it could be my birth control, im on a new one and it lasts 3 months so i cant really do anything about it until the 3 months are up but hope that it starts to work for me without making a mega bitch.  Today is going to be horrible because the first YP TOgraduate from rehab is being arrested and sent back to prison for another matter that i think doesnt deserve jail time atleast not to the extent of 12 months min. I’m devastated, i dont know how i will be able to wish them today knowing police are going to come to the door at any time during the graduation. Theres more to it that i cant get into for confidentiality reasons, but i’m angry at the legal system. Young people are so fucking vulnerable, especially those native to our country.  And then another client is dealing with a lot of grief today. Its just not a great time at work. I’m heavily behind on counselling notes, and today i was going to take that time to do that but i dont feel comfortable leaving them at the centre today. Personal life is okay i guess? I havnt been seeing any friends. I havnt really wanted to. One of them i know has strong feelings for me and i just dont have the heart to tell him i dont think there is something there. After we went to the zoo on the weekend, I just knew i didnt feel anything really. All my othr friends, some of them are great and I would hang out with them in a heartbeat, but thats only a few that i know i would have energy for. Theres one particular friend i know i just need to cut off and ive been distant consistently, but shes still there. I know i just need the guts to say hey, you talk too much in convrsation and i dont have the fucking energy to listen to you 80% of our interaction because thats not a friendship. I think the mains i want in my life are  -Malory -Cara -Phoebe  -Andres -Matt -Shermin -Kosta if he can actually not be a dick - Courtney 

the rest i probably need to  improve my relationship with or fuck them off instead ofjust saying ‘‘ lets hang out tomorrow im tired today sorry’ like its not good enough from me. im sick of being  a flake.  I’ve made things clear with sam in terms of my boundaries and what i need from our interactions. He has stepped up significantly, which is strange and surprising. I dont really know whats changed in him, i guess the realisation I am a worthy person in his life. I’m still very very hypervigilant of him fucking up, i have to watch myself in not getting attached to the idea this will be consistent for him. he still hasnt fucked off the girl he slept with in the first place the night i was in deep trouble.  I have not been taking care of myself the proper way. Probably because when i get home im fucking exhausted, I need a better way to cope with work because its spilling onto other areas of my life that ive forgotten i should be focused and entitled to. Like meditation i was doing everyday for weeks there, and i was doing stretching. Both things I have fucked off for no reason other than i am cold and tired and moody. I am getting braces in 4 weeks. Terrified. Still dont know clear aligners or ceramic. I am so fucking indecisive i hate myself and so does my ortho probably lol. i’m scared to even check  my emails because i sent him a question that im worried will piss him off because ive been asking a lot of questions, and maybe he will just crack and tell me to fuck off which i know is highly unlikely i am just terrified.  Ah yes, iron pills. something i need to actually get to improve my fatigue as well. Sex wise i am definitely more horny, which is great because that was like rarity for me. I think i have realised i need an emotional connection with the perosn and i need to be properly attracted to them, like not just a little but very much so. Funny, my best friend from high school hit on me last night. She is beautiful and I’ve always thought about that possibility but she would be so experienced being with girls and i have 0 experience lmao. All my exes have been jealous of her because they think im gonna go and be with her just because ive said i have found her attractive in the past. I think i have been having sex with the focus on the guy because i like them to have a good experience and i find that hot, But then physically like im not getting to finish because all my focus is on that yknow.  okay ive started thinking about work again and how fucking devatsted i am for my client. Seriously, i just want to cry and scream and scream some more. I havnt been this affected by client situation in a long time.  Maybe this afternoon i will go for a walk around the roos and listen to some songs in his legacy. Sigh. This was a messy post and really has no point and no grammar but i needed to write it

[tumblunni]

Headcanons about maddiman's wife:

* name: Joy Nocturne

* her personality is like your classic 'overbearing wife' or 'loud woman' except its not a bad thing and i hate how its always stereotyped as a bad thing. She's confident and outspoken and badass and these are all the things that made Madds fall in love with her. Its also the things that makes everyone else think she's 'such a nag' and start rumours that their marriage is on the rocks, because he 'must be so whipped', etc. And back when they met in highschool everone thought she was a 'typical american thug' who was 'being a bad influence to that poor honor student'. Basically she's used to people hating her personality and she was already secretly doubting whether her husband also found her annoying/bossy/unattractive cos of this. Like she's usually able to be confident in the face of hate from strangers but as she grew to love this man she felt her old insecurities coming back. They were both having trouble talking about their feelings and worrying that their spouse didnt love them...

* oh and BIGGEST HEADCANON: she very much loved him and there was no villain of this story, just a sad tale of two people falling apart due to miscommunication. I think its infinately sadder if they were total soulmates and never stopped loving each other even after this tragic falling out. I feel like Joy just had to make the decision that was right for her son when her husband was never around to be part of his life. And with the way maddiman acted she had every reason to feel like he'd stopped loving her...she didnt leave because she hated him but because she didnt know why he was so distant and thought he hated her...

* She never remarried. She did manage to live a full life and raise their son to be an upstanding human being, but she never forgot about madds and never found anyone she loved more than him.

* She was actually there when he died. The point where he passed out midway through writing a diary entry wasnt actually the exact moment he died, his coworkers found his comatose body and rushed him into surgery. He was on life support for a few days befofe he faded away, having never woken up. Joy rushed over on the fastest flight possible to get to see him before it was too late, but she only managed to arrive in time to see his yokai self emerging and vanishing into the ether. This phantasm haunted her for the rest of her life and she sorta inherited his fatal yokai obsession, in hopes that what she saw was real...

* after her son died at just 17, she became even more tied to the desperate hope of her husband's old fairytales. Ultimately though, she was never able to find him. She actually could have walked straight past him and not been able to see him. And madds wouldnt have recognised her, only wondered why something in his heart says that this particular trespasser in the haunted hospital should be guided to the exit without harm.

* they first met in high school, oddly enough due to maddiman's dad being a massive asshole. Nogut always pressured his son to be perfect and live out all his dreams for him, blablabla, gotta get to the best schools and never get a single bad grade. Joy and madds werent in the same class so they hadnt talked much, and she only recently transferred anyway. But one day Nogut was in school for a parent teacher conference and he was being his usual pissy entitled self, blah blah im too important to be here and my son is the cause of all my problems somehow. So he got uhh.. "Distracted". Aka being an absolute fuckin creeper to underage highschool girls! Thus the day Joy first became friends with maddiman was also the day she became mortal enemies with his dad by kicking him in the balls. And shortly afterwards she bumped into maddiman who was hyperventilating in the same closet she coincidentally picked while hiding from Groinally Harmed Anger Dad. He was having a panic attack from the general stress of his dad being here, and she helped support him through it which became a really valued memory of his, and why he sees her as his hero. Well, that and shortly after when she was like 'lol i just met this total creeper and kneed him in the nads' 'THATS MY DAD' 'geez sorry dude' 'NO THATS AMAZING'

* she also helped him pull off his ultimate escape from trash dad. They had a plan in place for a long time that as soon as he turned 18 they were getting on a motorbike and riding off to Anywhere But Here. But he didnt expect her to literally bring a birthday cake and throw it in his dad's face! And then that was the beginning of their relationship. Madds had totally been crushing on her for quite a while but never knew how to confess, until the sheer awesomeness of that moment made him accidentally squeak it out while they were riding for their lives from an angry old man.

* oh and also there were probably a lot of funny cute clueless moments where it kept going over joy's head that he had a crush on her? I was thinking of a cute idea for a valentines day flashback where maddiman was too shy to give her a box of chocolates and she comes along like "man i didnt get any chocolates im glad you managed to get some!" "U-uhh no i umm..wanted to give them to someone but i...didnt." "Oh that sucks dude! At least now you can eat them all to yourself to help forget that girl. Lemme sneak one, tho!" And thus he ended up sharing the box of chocolates with the perosn he wanted to, even if she had no idea. And it was a very good day!

* also i think considering the pattern of him bottling up his feelings and running from relationship problems, it seems likely that he ran from the altar on his wedding day. But it was also one of the only times ever that that happened and it wasnt super sad. As he does, he got all worked up into a mess of anxiety and convinced he knew the only answer- the stupidest and most reckless answer! So even though he loved this woman he was so scared that he'd be a bad husband that he tried to jump out the window at the last second without even once trying to actually talk to her about any of this. But this time she did manage to find him! All the friends and family were like 'ugh leave him, he doesnt love you', but she knew there had to be more to it so she ran out in the rain in her wedding dress and searched for miles until she found him sobbing in a public bathroom. They managed to talk it out and get to the bottom of his feelings and actually resolved something for once, and it all went okay. It kinda helped that seeing her turn up all bedraggled in the wreckage of the dress she loved so much, bleeding from her tight heels and fighting off several biker gangs along the way helped convince him that "hey maybe she thinks i'm worth fighting for, so i should try and believe her". So yeah then she swept him off his feet and they danced all night as everyone else in the church was all "ugh she looks awful" and "why would she take him back", but the moment was so magical that they just didnt care. And thats how the biggest failure of a wedding was also the happiest day of their lives! (..though sadly the same doubts and communication difficulties would come up again and not be resolved so easily...)

* i keep flip flopping on what career i want to give her, but at the moment im thinking possibly owns a lil bakery/coffee shop type place? Madds is one of those people who cant stand the bitterness of tea/coffee and prefers caffinated sodas instead, but he used to drink strong coffee every day back when he was human just because his wife made it. He loved all the rest of her cooking so itd be cruel to say no! Its a lil detail that i figured would be cute but also foreshadow how he'd meet his tragic end, as it shows he's capable of bottling up his feelings for years even when talking would be so much easier. Also probably a comedic note that he's coming up with nonsensical mad science techniques to make himself able to drink coffee! "Shall i genetically modify my tastebuds or create an undetectable translucent plastic armour plate for my tongue?"

* also maybe she could make cinnamon rolls shaped like madds's doofy cyclops head when they reunite in the future. Just because i want to eat that.

[hellostrangerunawaybird-blog]

Friendship appreciation post

Caroline- caroline is like my secret buddy. She helped me when I had my surgery and took notes for me and recorded all the lectures I missed. She helped me after my break up, she supported my “hoe phase”, she stayed way late after school one day when I was having a low day, she helped me find teachers, she introduced me to people, she deals with me in most classes, we hang out between classes. She’s extremely funny and energetic, and she’s like a mango in a bowl of boring vegetables. She’s litterly my sunshine on a grey school day.

Amy- Amy is the best mom you could have. But she’s also my best friend, we talk almost every day, even if it’s just brief. She’s my aniexty buddy, I honestly couldn’t have survived Highschool without her. She’s so funny, and she’s really fun to be around. She’s also made so much progress that I don’t think gets recognized enough. She also doesn’t make me feel bad or that I’m annoying her. And even tho I tend to push her and tend to be what she considers a terrible influence, she’s a queen. I love her little grandma quirks and everything, to the coin collecting to the am radio.

Victoria- probably my longest best friend, I have known Amy and Noelle forever tho. But Victoria in herself is like a sister. I love her, even when I don’t like her. She’s honestly my sister tho. I could hate her but walking away is never an option. She’s like my sister person. We both work together and like the same music and Disney and like two seperate individuals with so much in common. It’s crazy. And even tho she frustrates me to infinity and beyond, she’s my sister. Our drives home from school are some of my favorite memories, and talking about everyone and having the same thoughts and same jokes. It’s a beautiful sistership. She’s family.

Noelle- is a queen. A musical queen. She’s so funny and has sass. But she’s also shy and says sorry a lot. I have seen her dancing with drunks, I have seen her dancing drunk, I have seen her cry drunk, I have seen her throw back alcohol like it’s water. She’s just so cool to be around. Shes like super adultish, but super young adult tho. She’s also trying to find her comfort zone. She’s so pretty too! She needs to say no more, and make sure she’s thinking about herself. But she’s a really nice sweet and awesome friend. When things were at the lowest she was there for me and supported me, I really hope I can be the same support for her.

Alyx- I love her dancing. I love her in general, but that dancing. Sometimes our thoughts or actions my cross and we may find conflict. But honestly our friendship can always override those hopefully. I want us to be more drinking buddies and party more if we can find time. She’s so dorky and cool and ballsy. She’s figuring herself out and she’s now labeled the hoe of the group, which is supported by her dancing at the club. She’s just a queen. She’s a strong ass woman and I aspire to reach the level of not giving a fuck bad assery she is at. I want multiple piercings and a tattoo. And just a general whole fuck it attitude. She’s also a great mom and tries in her own way to be supportive. And I did like that puzzle video in the sense of life being made up of puzzle pieces. And like all the Reba.

Kierra- Kierra is a tough motherfucker, don’t mess with her. She’s really cool tho, she’s also figuring herself out. She doesn’t socialize with the group as much, but she’s following her own dreams and living her own way. She seems to have the most control of her life compared to the rest of us. But she’s also growing so much. I know she doesn’t like drama, and I know I might be all drama, but she still came to the library that day with me. She went out of her way, and with her being there I felt so much less anixous. She also deals with the dumb questions I ask her about her life when I probably should know it’s not appropriate. I’m really excited to see how she finds uni and how she grows more.

Gabe- Gabe is a babe, he texts me everyday even tho we don’t talk that often due to me not having time or having anything to talk about. He comes out when I ask him to hang out and he deals with all my emotional bullshit. He lets me bug him and he tells me when I’m being dumb or not. He also knows I’m right most the time and he lets me know my worth. He deals with the times when I cries and makes sure I’m okay and laughing.

Josh- most selfless perosn I know. He’s now super old, but he’s my work husband. Our talk in my car that one night was life changing, he ultimately made me realize my self worth and saw why my relationship ending was much needed. He dealt with so many of my problems. Now he’s currently going through some things and I want to make sure I give him the same safe feeling he gave me about the future.

I have many friends, and many more people I could put on this list, but those people don’t equal to the same amount of friendship worth as the ones listed above.

[thatone-yurionice-writer]

Um... Hi! I really don't know wether you are taking requests or not, but in case you are: How would Victor, Yuuri & Chris react if them partner broke up with them bc she thinks she's not enough for someone like them. I adore your writing! It's fantastic!

this is what i needed coming back into writing! also, i wanna make these into some actual fics so keep your eyes peeled for that! 

tomorrow i have my last HSC exam and that means i will have offically finished high school so i have more time now! xx

VIKTOR 

he is so shocked 

he doesnt understand 

you dont tell him why you broke up with him, just something along the lines of “I’m not the right perosn for you”

which confuses him so much 

not the right person??? you were perfect and everything he could ever want in a person 

he tries to do the traditional 21st century form of moving on, y’know, deleting pictures on his phone 

he cant do it 

he tries to delete some

he keeps the one that bring back the most memories 

his favourites:

a picture of the two of you taken by paparazzi, you were dressed up for the cold russian weather and holding a steaming coffee in a gloved hand, he stood beside you with his hand resting on your lower back as he walked you through the street, his glasses were on - an atempt to hide his identity even though he knew there was truly no way to hide - although it was hard to see your features, it was that very thing that made him keep it, it wasnt you posing, it was you just … being you, the person he missed.

three pictures he took with you in front of the skating rink before training, one where the both of you were grinning, the second of him kissing your cheek with your surprised face before the third of a kiss between the two of you.

the last picture he kept was another paparazzi shot from when you had returned to russia after a trip of the moment you both found each other in the airport in a warm embrace

he finds himself writing a long paragrah to you to ask what went wrong between the two of you that he wants to send before deleting the text and going back to sleep

his routines lack surprise 

the pieces he choses to skate to entail hints to his heartbreak, at times making it vague through Scorri, fiume eterno from Il tabarro being about a father dealing with his wife infidelity and death of his child, and other times chosing not to hide it with On My Own from Les Miserables

he is secretly waiting for the day, the chance, for you two to have a second chance.

one night viktor calls you to ask about why you left him, he needed to know

CHRIS

boi

he acted chill

he was NOT chill

he feared it was his flirtacious nature 

he wasnt himself

to people who were not close friends with him he seemed completly fine and normal, but close friends know that chris feels things very deeply

he calls viktor when he needs to vent

he calls whoever he trusts most 

on days when he’s feeling down about it he goes to call you only to remember that he cant do that 

it kills him

his coach notices that his performance is no where near hoe it used to be

chris brushes the comments from his coach off

he doesnt want to admit how much it hurts

he scrolls through the texts between the two of you

he calls you one day saying how he wanted to talk

you agree to a coffee

you admit why you did what you did

as soon as he hears that you felt you werent good enough his heart drops 

you were perfect

he immediatley assures you 

he reaches out for your hand and promises you that you were everything he could ever want in someone 

he sees your eyes water 

he wipes away your tears and holds you close

he never wanted you to feel this way

ever 

he promises to be better for you so you never feel insecure about being with him

you both agree to work through this and see if you want to get back together

you do

YUURI 

you knew you couldnt just drop him with no explanation 

you knew you would have to sit him down and explain everything

you knew of his tendancy to overanalyse and you did not want him to blame himself

no way

this was your fault and you didnt want him to think any different

you knew he was nervous as soon as you told him you wanted to chat about things

he was obviously anxious 

which only made you feel worse 

how could you do this to him?

you were horrible 

you reassured him and told him it was okay

you explained that you felt as though you didnt feel as you were good enough for him

 s h a t t e r 

his brain just shattered

reality to he was pretty sure 

was this a dream?

had to be

maybe he should pinch himself?

thats probably awkward dont do that 

he just stared at you blankly for a while

you were almost concerned he was having a stroke 

before you could ask him if he was okay he snapped back into reality and had started laughing

what?

is this boy insane?

he couldnt believe it 

you?

you thought you werent good enough?

of all people?

so this is what it must feel like to be on the other side of this 

he calmed down when he saw the confused look on her face and reached out to give you a hug

“you’re funny, (your name)”

“i - im not joking, im being serious here.”

he cant actually even, he just hugs you tigher and whispers “you’ll always be so special to me.”

[cheesyramynry]

tag time

mel tagged me in a lot thanks bro

aye aye aye thanks to he homegirl @starlightjeongin ily so much melly and you’re an angel <333 eskgetit!!!

also,,, there are like,,,, 4 tags in this so uhhhhh have fun

Σ੧(❛□❛✿)Σ੧(❛□❛✿)Σ੧(❛□❛✿)Σ੧(❛□❛✿)

i dont have a name for this tag

1ST RULE: Tag 9 people you want to get to know better

> so um if you read this you are tagged now congrats <

2ND RULE: BOLD the statements that are true.

APPEARANCE: - I am 5'7 or taller - I wear glasses - I have at least one tattoo - I have at least one piercing - I have blonde hair - I have brown eyes - I have short hair - My abs are at least somewhat defined - I have or had braces

PERSONALITY: - I love meeting new people - People tell me I am funny - Helping others with their problems is a big priority of mine - I enjoy physical challenges - I enjoy mental challenges - I am playfully rude to people I know - I started saying something ironically and now I can’t stop saying it - There is something I would change about my personality

ABILITY: - I can sing well - I can play an instrument - I can do over 30 pushups without stopping - I am a fast runner - I can draw well - I have a good memory - I am good at doing maths in my head - I can hold my breath underwater for over a minute - I have beaten at least 2 people arm wrestling - I can make at least 3 recipes from scratch - I know how to throw a proper punch

HOBBIES: - I enjoy sports - I’m on a sports team at my school or somewhere else - I’m in a orchestra or choir at my school or somewhere else - I have learned a new song in the past week - I exercise at least once a week - I have gone for runs at least once a week in warmer months - I have drawn something in the past month - I enjoy writing - Fandoms are my #1 priority - I do some form of Martial arts

EXPERIENCES: - I have had my first kiss - I have had alcohol - I have scored a winning point in a sport - I have watched an entire TV series in one sitting - I have been at an overnight event - I have been in a taxi - I have been in the hospital or ER in the past year - I have beaten a video game in one day - I have visited another country - I have been to one of my favorite band’s concerts

MY LIFE: - I have one person that I consider to be my Best Friend - I live close to my school/work - My parents are still together - I have at least one sibling - I live in the United States - There is snow where I live right now - I have hung out with a friend in the past month - I have a smart phone - I own at least 15 CDs - I share my room with someone

RELATIONSHIPS: - I am in a Relationship - I have a crush on a celebrity - I have a crush on someone I know - I’ve been in at least 3 relationships - I have never been in a Relationship - I have admitted my feelings to a crush - I get crushes easily - I have had a crush for over a year - I have been in a relationship for over a year - I have had feelings for a friend

RANDOM: - I have break-danced - I know a person named Jamie - I have had a teacher that has a name that is hard to pronounce - I have dyed my hair - I’m listening to a song on repeat right now - I have punched someone in the past week - I know someone who has gone to jail - I have broken a bone - I have eaten a waffle today - I know what I want to do in life - I speak at least two languages - I have made a new friend in the past year

alphabet tag

Rules: answer the questions in a new post and tag 10 blogs you would like to get to know better

> i dont know/remember enough blogs to tag im sorry <

A: age? > 15!!! <

B: birthplace? > californiaaaa <

C: current time? > 4:43 pm <

D: drink you had last? > water bc its good for you <

E: easiest person to talk to? > my irl homie @realmzenith , the most fantastic perosn i have ever met on this site and of whom my soul burns with affection for @starlightjeongin , and my rad friends in my got7 amino groupchat - selena, haru, apple, and emi :) <

F: favorite song? > oh boy i dont have a favorite favorite song bro i guess the first things i can think of is either danzon no. 2 by arturo marquez, martini blue by dpr live, and home run by got7 <

G: grossest memory? > asdf uhh when i went hiking with my pathfinder club and we went through a “long-cut” and went off the trail and we had to walk up this super long river, and then to get out of the river to land we had to walk through these riverbed plants and this gray mud stuff and i had to put on my socks and sneakers and it was disgusting <

H: hogwarts house? > i say that im a hufflepuff, lately i got placed in ravenclaw but i dont agree <

I: in love? > in love with the fact that im old enough to be a little free, in love with my kpop faves, in love with all of my friends who tell me they appreciate me, in love with the idea of being productive, in love with music and daydreaming <

J: jealous of people? > tbh i catch myself being jealous of other people’s artistic abilities, but i turn that into a need to become better/daydream about myself being that good so uhh???? yeah <

K: killed someone? > i was playing overwatch with a friend late last night and one of our comp matches there were these two dudes who played tank, one in particular imma call CTL who was rude to me and the whole team (my mic doesnt work so i couldn’t talk back but he was still a bing bond :( ), a few rounds after we left that one we got placed against the two mean tanks, and me, a mercy main with crappy aim, 1v1ed CTL who was playing mccree and i was HAPPY. we lost but binch i teabagged the heck out of his douchy body <

L: love at first sight or should i walk by again? > walk by again im staring at you either way <

M: middle name? > danielle!! <

N: number of siblings? > i have a younger sister!! <

O: one wish? > tbh to be better at what i want to be better at, like someone please give me like a stat 100 potion or something <

P: person you called last? > last person i called was my friend mikey of whom i was playing overwatch with lmao <

R: reasons to smile? > music!!! art!!! alan menken said that there will be a musical production of hercules in the future!! <

S: song you sang last? > the finale of newsies bc my sister left it playing on the tv as i ate nine (9) quesedillas

T: time you woke up? > techinally 6:30 am bc my dog was scratching my door, then 9, then 11 am <

U: underwear color? > mint blue and gray <

V: vacation destination? > i think i would love to go to the places in europe where composers lived, that or i would love to visit every place my internet friends live :D <

W: worst habit? > probably sleeping until noon, forgetting to do important responsibility things, reading a text message/email and then not responding bc i forgot about reading it

X: x-rays? > i got an x-ray on my right arm when i fractured it in kindergarten, some on my stomach when i ate like three whole mangoes with the skin on them, and some of my teeth before i got my braces <

Y: your favorite food? > thai food, stuff from panera bread, or pretty much warm foods with rice <

Z: zodiac sign? > im a virgo!!! <

✨ Fun Facts Tag ✨

Rules for this are:

Have fun with it!

Tag some of your mutuals

1) Favourite colours:

> green or purple!!! or like whatever im feeling lmao but those are my first choices <

2) Favourite song at the moment:

> asdkfjas;ldfkjsdlkfj bro i cant choose okay im going to shuffle my fav songs playlist adn put the first thing that comes up: damdadi by golden child

3) Last book you read:

> i think its my history textbook lmao finals are this week for me <

4) Last TV show you watched:

> my friend’s younger sister showed me clips from Stranger Things but i never have watch it before, i also watched a few dramas at a friend’s house but idk the names of them lmao

5) Last movie you watched:

> oh golly uhhh i think its enemies in-laws on netflix <

6) If you have a pet whats their name?:

> i have a doggo(?) named tucker <

7) If you have siblings how many?

> i have one younger sister!1! <

8) Favourite thing to do on a weekend:

> i think resting, getting up to date with my million notifications, just scrolling through the internet, or writing <

9) Best tumblr friends:

> on tumblr i have the amazing wonderful fantastic showstopping gravity-defying dabtastical @starlightjeongin aka mel aka melly aka melmel aka infant aka like the coolest and raddest person i have ever meet 

10) Favourite thing about yourself:

> idk if this is hard to explain but sometimes i do things people dont expect, like i was using my friend’s neighbor’s airsoft gun and like they were surprised that i have pretty good aim and that just makes me feel really good yknow <

11) Favourite memory:

> back in april 2017, during my band’s new york tour, in our hotel when i asked my friend what she was watching (it was got7′s m/v hard carry)

12) 3 weird habits:

> i turn on all of my nightlights in a specific order, when its dark in my room i like to dance to music and watch myself in the mirror, i tend to randomly scream i think <

13) What would you call your style?:

> i like to wear large clothes, even though im like a medium small bc ahaha i have slight body dysphoria, i also like to wear button-ups from the men’s section that have weird designs, suspenders, and i guess things that make me feel aesthetic and free < 

14) Odd talent:

> i can clap with one hand and me fingers bend weirdly <

15) Do you have a tumblr crush?:

> i have a big ol friend crush on my dear friend mel and a lot on the gr8 ppl of the aroha fandom <

the stray kids tag

Rules: answer the questions in a new post, and tag 10 blogs you would like to get to know better.

I’ve decided that in celebration of Stray Kids pre-debut album I needed to create a tag. The ultimate goal for The Stray Kids Tag is to learn about your Tumblr mutuals, and have fun answering the Stray Kids related questions! Here we go:

1: When did you decide to join the Stray kids fandom?

> lmao i learned about them when it was rumored that jyp was going to have a new boy group, and i followed the updates until the announcement of the webseries/release of hellevator. i didnt want more ppl to remember on my plate until december 30ish when i finally gave in to mel so here i am <

2: What is your favorite episode of Stray Kids? 

> im actually going to watch it right after i finish this tag post lmao ive never watched it before but i think ive seen clips??? when the boys were vlogging themselves packing idk if thats part of the webseries but thats cute <

3: Who would you say is your bias in Stray kids?

> I DONT HAVE ONE OKAY I DONT WANT TO TRY TO FIGURE IT OUT YET IM SCARED i legit like,,, dont know a whole lot about each member but i know their names but,,,,,, i think,,,,, before i start truly getting into them myself,,,, is probably seungmin,,,,, i think,,,,,,,, maybe,,,, whoops i just remembered woojin existed uhhhHHHH idk <

4: Who would you say is your bias wrecker in Stray kids?

> (im listening to ailee’s i will go to you like the first snow rn and im so emo while doing this tag) i love all of them!!!! probs chan or changbin or jeongin bc they are so sweet!!! <

5: What line would you want to be apart of in Stray kids? 

> idk the team compositions of stray kids so i will get back to you on that one until i watch the series lmao <

6: What is the first song you heard of Stray kids?

> of course hellevator lmao <

7: What is the first song you heard of 3racha? 

> FRICK actually i dont know bc melly showed me vids of them performing live but i dont know what the song was :( <

8: What is your favorite song on their pre-debut album?

> legit only have listened to hellevator and grrr so um ill say grrr?? <

9: What is a concept you’d like to see Stray Kids try in the future?

> SUSPENSE!!! idk if that ‘s hard to explain but like something with a story in the background, maybe like a spy concept with a nice orchestration i think they can do it <

10: if you could meet with the members of Stray kids for one day what would you say to them?

> ahhh!!! i dont know they all too too well but i would love to tell them that i feel that they are different from any other kpop group i have ever seen, bc they all seem genuinely happy and they are like the coolest bros and their friendship with each other is something that i could only dream of!! also ive heard that their songs have rad lyrics and they work super hard so i look up to them for that!!!1!!! <

[sadrien]

wanna chat? pt. 14

on ao3 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14

i got my harry potter nerd on for this chapter, mostly because i wanted to write and didn't know what to write about

also, i'm glad you all liked the previous chapter <3

dipshit = adrien fergie = alya no = nino dancing queen = mari

enjoy~

16:30

fergie: its 2 quiet in here time for the #discourse

no: no

fergie: shit im blanking i need a topiC @the babs: someone pls

no: i refuse to support this

dipshit: Anything?

fergie: yes

dipshit: Ok give me a second

no: fuck dude i just wanted a day of chill

fergie: babe with friends like us thats just not possible

dancing queen: What are we doing??

dipshit: Hogwarts house discourse Go

no: i cant believe i have to break up with you

fergie renamed this conversation to “hogwarts house discourse”.

dancing queen: Oh no

fergie: alright alright alright adrien = puff mari = puff nino = puff

dipshit: How do you figure

no: uhhh

dancing queen: Sorry al that seems wrong

dancing queen: oh it is it definitely is but ur all sweet enough for hufflepuff and loyal and we all eat too much food hmmm realistic one… adrien = puff mari = snake nino = raven mayb

dipshit: Make Mari Gryffindor and I’ll agree with you

fergie: whaaaaaat our girl is ambitious aF theres no way

dipshit: But she’s also a really strong leader and incredibly brave

dancing queen: If were arguing over anyone Id say adrien should be a gryffindor Oh wait maybe ravneclaw???? Hes super smart Shit this is really hard? He could be in three???

no: the fuck i was thinking slytherin actually

fergie: ???

dancing queen: ???????

no: listen my dudes the hat takes what you want into consideration right? it does it for harry anyway

fergie: what does this have to do with marshmallow being a snake which is just not accurate

no: im getting there

dipshit: Are we going by stereotypes or nah

dancing queen: Nah The stereotypes suck

no: im just saying theres no fucking way if we were wizards teh agrestes wouldnt be pure bloods and gabriel would be classic fucking slytherin

dancing queen: Ok Ill agree with that

fergie: mhmmmm

dipshit: I wouldn’t say that

no: bro even if you arent going off stereotypes your old man is probably the mos t ambitious perosn ive ever met like scary mari is almost as scary

dancing queen: Hey!!!!!!

fergie: so sorting hat

no has changed their name to sorting hat.

sorting hat: sup

fergie: are u saying adrien would ASK 2 b slytherin

sorting hat: well yeah yeah i am 

fergie: …………… i did not consider

sorting hat: i know you didnt

dancing queen: First of all since we cant decide and Im getting mixed answers from online quizzes

dancing queen has changed their name to lion snake.

lion snake: Second of all doesnt the hat also base it off of what you value the most??

dipshit: Lion snake? Like a chimera?

fergie: nerd

dipshit: Actually the chimera also has a goat ignore me

sorting hat: what the fuck

dipshit: Greek mythology

fergie: u kno what i dont wanna kno

dipshit: Anyway back to this

sorting hat: oh yeah anywa yeah the hat does but adrien wanting to please his dad might overrule that idk my dude jk didnt exactly lay ou t the rules of this super great

fergie: jk needs to c h i l l and ye each of the golden trio couldve ended up in at least one other house

dipshit: That would’ve been cool Also I don’t think I try to please my dad that much

fergie: oh sweetheart

sorting hat: dude

lion snake: Adrien you really really do

dipshit: Really?

fergie has changed their name to adriens legal guardian.

adriens legal guardian: someone needs to take care of you

dipshit: I promise I’m fine I’ve got Nathalie

sorting hat: does nathalie give you hugs

dipshit: No? Why is that relevant?

adriens legal guardian: SHE DOESNT COUNT THEN #HUGADRIENAGRESTE2K17

adriens legal guardian has changed their name to i love adrien.

i love adrien: turn on ur location agreste

dipshit: Please know that’s actually kind of creepy I’m at home you don’t have to worry about location

i love adrien: hella

sorting hat: alya chill out with the name chagnes also now im gonna be confuse d

i love adrien: i love him too but truuuuu

dipshit: ????

i love adrien: can i change it

sorting hat: last time for today??

i love adrien: ilysm

i love adrien has changed their name to cochairman of adrien agreste fanclub

dipshit: I have a fanclub? Wait that wasn’t the smartest thing to say

lion snake: Its a good thing youre cute

dipshit: I try to ignore them

cochairman of adrien agreste fanclub: have u ever been on the official insta of the fanclub bc its hilarious and beautiful

dipshit: …. Alya why

sorting hat: oh we totally googled you

cochairman of adrien agreste fanclub: mhm

lion snake: ^^^^

dipshit: That’s…..nice of you?

lion snake: Sorry if that makes you uncomfortable omg

dipshit: It’s just? Kinda weird?? I don’t mind and I probably should’ve expected it I just forget sometimes that that’s a thing people can/will do

cochairman of adrien agreste fanclub: adri if it makes u feel any better i google everyone ive googled everyone in this chat in our class their parents ymself random strangers if im able to

sorting hat: that is not surprising at all

cochairman of adrien agreste fanclub: ur not special i mean u r ur v special to me and ilysm but not here everyone gets googled and twitter stalked also tell whoevers running ur official accounts to be less lame idc about salad u eat

dipshit: What????

cochairman of adrien agreste fanclub: ur social media is B O R I N G i kno u dont run it but i still expected more memes

dipshit: Honestly I don’t look at it

sorting hat: its like the person we thought you were when we first met you except more boring

lion snake: Ok no thats not true Because I thought he was an asshole

cochairman of adrien agreste fanclub: oh shit tru

dipshit: Ahhhh yeah sorry about that

lion snake: Its fine I promise!!! Weve talked about this Its like Super perfect adn model-y and professional andnot  at all a teenage loser who stayed up until 2 watching sailor moon and eating doritos

sorting hat: fucking relatable

cochairman of adrien agreste fanclub: weebs

sorting hat: yo youre the one who decided to date some

lion snake: Hey Ive never asked Adrien do you have unofficial personal social media???

dipshit: ……………………. Shhhhhh

cochairman of adrien agreste fanclub: WHAAAAAAAT LINKS LINK S LINKS LINSK

dipshit: I have a tumblr but that’s it

cochairman of adrien agreste fanclub: oh my go d this weekend  we get 2gether adn make adrien all the social media and we revamp his tumblr bc ur theme sucks

dipshit: ???? You’ve never even seen it???

cochairman of adrien agreste fanclub: i know it does marsh !!!!!!!! can u imagine if lb and cn had social media!!!!! id c r y

PM between dipshit and lion snake

dipshit: P l e a s e

lion snake: Oh my og d

dipshit: Please please please please please please please plEASE

lion snake: HOld on!!! Im discussing with tikki

dipshit: Plagg says he doesn’t care what we do

lion snake: Yeah we arent trusting him

dipshit: Fair enough WHAT IF I CAN GET SNAPCHAT ON MY BATON A LITERAL SNAPCHAT

lion snake: No Just because of that No

dipshit: Pleaaaaaseeeeeeeee My lady it’ll be great I swear

lion snake: U gh Well talk on it on patrol tonight k??

dipshit: YES!!!!

19:05 in hogwarts house discourse

sorting hat: i know weve moved on but man. fuck snape

 20:12

cochairman of adrien agreste fanclub: do u think if i track down lb and cn and ask them for their hogwarts houses theyll tell me

sorting hat: worth a shot?

 20:42

cochairman of adrien agreste fanclub: update: chat says ladybg is a gryffindor and lb says shes iether that or slytherin so like mari and they cant agree on cn

 22:53

sorting hat: damn you adrien i cant stop thinking about this what is mari?? what is adrien??? what am i?? al youre either gryffindor or ravenclaw ive decided

lion snake: Youre the sorting hat shouldnt you know all???

sorting hat: bruh we need the actual sorting hat for this

lion snake: Fair enough

sorting hat: lets say adrien is a hatstall and move on

3:03

PM between dipshit and lion snake

dipshit: Rise and shine bugaboo Akuma at 3 o’clock Literally 3 o’clock the time not the like If you’re using 12, 3, 6, and 9 as directions It’s not You know what My tracker on my baton is turned on so use that to find me

 3:08

dipshit: Mari Mari Alright plan b I’m gonna call  you and if you don’t pick up I’m going to show up on your balcony Which sounds creepy but also this akuma is now stacking cars and I don’t really know what to do? They aren’t even trying to do anything else right now Am I missing something??? I’m confused

 3:12

lion snake has changed their name to ahHHH

ahHHH: IM SO SORRY Tikki woke me up my phone was muted She says Waitw e dont hav etime for this Ive gotta transform so Ill talk to you when I get there??

dipshit: It’s fine just watching an akuma build a tower out of cars Remind me to show you how to sync Skype up to your yoyo

ahHHH: Youre on skype on your baton??

dipshit: Yeah it makes things easier

ahHHH: Huh Al and nino didnt wake up?

dipshit: I think the akumas too far away for them to hear, but also it’s not exactly being distructive When we actually start fighting people might start waking up but for now it’s being pretty quiet even with the car stacking

ahHHH: Well thats good they need their sleep Wait if the akuma was quiet how did you know??

dipshit: People started posting to the Ladyblog forums and I had that open in another tab

ahHHH: ???/ Why were you up????

dipshit: Bad night I couldn’t sleep so I put on Howl’s Moving Castle

ahHHH: Feeling any better?

dipshit: I’m sure I’ll feel better when I see you :3

ahHHH: Oh myg do Itst oo early for this Ill see you in fa few just stop that cat face

dipshit: ;3