#and i HATE that. hellblazer has ALWAYS been about what this guy has going on underneath the masked exterior

[talentforlying]

one of these days i'm going to write up all that i've changed from azzarello's bullshit era and the one (1) piece i've kept from milligan (and also changed) and the only thing currently stopping me is that it is going to be so, so inside-baseball incomprehensible. and i almost never want to go reading/screencapping azzarello and milligan to add references but i Want to add references.

canon is goop, just know that we continue to ride the bus down "hellblazer ended at #250 and looks like swiss cheese before that" street.

[readyourimgaines]

Truth be Splashed

Summary: It’s all fun and games until Shane starts screaming when splashed with holy water. 

For how much Shane hated, even feared, holy water, he was always relieved to see Ryan with his dinky little squirt gun. He had no idea if it worked on ghosts but it sure as hell worked on demons. He tested that himself and it was something he never wanted to feel again.

When they were getting ready for a shoot, Shane didn’t touch the container the holy water was in. If it was in the squirt gun, he’d hold it by the holster to hand it to his boyfriend. The holy water in a water bottle was a little harder to get around, but he managed. 

Ryan was a smart guy. Shane knew that full well. The shorter man could have his silly moments like anyone else, but Ryan was easily one of the smartest people he’d met his whole life-- and that was saying something.

“Shane?” Ryan called from the living room. Shane was in the kitchen making dinner while Ryan found something for them to watch.

“Yeah?”

“What you ever seen Constantine?” 

“Uh...no. I read the graphic novel it’s based off of in college, though. Hellblazer, I think?” Shane kept working on their spaghetti.

“Was anything in it accurate?” 

“You’d have to tell me, Ry. You know more about demons and that sort of stuff than I do. I just read it because it was by the same guy that wrote V for Vendetta.” Shane turned away from the stove when he heard Ryan coming closer to him.

Ryan cupped Shane’s face in his hands, looking into the taller man’s eyes. The same brown eyes he’d fallen in love with a year ago. 

“You oka-” Shane let out a scream when Ryan took a plastic water bottle from his back pocket and splashed him in the face with the holy water inside it. He doubled over and moaned into his hands. After a minute or so, he was panting. 

“Who the fuck are you?” Ryan demanded.

“Ryan, wai-” Shane screamed again when the holy water was splashed on him again. “I’m Shane. You don’t understand-” again he screamed, his eyes turning black. 

“How long have you been possessing my boyfriend, you demon fuck?”

“Longer than you’ve been alive, kid.” Shane’s smooth voice was replaced with one low and gravelly. The stark difference coming from Shane’s mouth made Ryan take a step back. 

“Wha-”

“You know what they say: war is hell. This poor kid’s laying in no-man’s land, his lungs turning to mush in his chest. I wanna stay outta hell… 19 year-old, fresh outta high school, doesn’t want to die… I jump in him and watch his life unfold like a movie. Pretty sweet setup.”

Ryan terrified. No-man’s land? He vaguely remembered the term from high school but Junior year was too far back. Shane talked about no-man’s land when they watched All Quiet on the Western Front. The space between the trenches. 

“Shane died in World War One?”

“Almost. It’s my...he’d say ‘mojo’ keeping everything in his skinny-ass body moving.”

The black eyes flickered and the brown was back. Shane was back. 

“Ryan, please. I can explain better than he can.” Shane’s eyes were filled with pain because of the holy water and fear of what Ryan was going to do. His eyes hesitantly looked to the plastic water bottle. 

“Then do it. What the fuck is going on?”

Shane trembled slightly at the anger in Ryan’s voice. “I was in WW1, you got that right. I was drafted two months after I graduated. We were in the trenches. Cold, soaking wet, out of food, and crawling with rats, flees, lice, and who knows what else.

“Some German who stumbled his way through no-man’s land gassed us. It sinks so we were supposed to go to higher ground. I moved too fast, got outta the trench before it started sinking and I forgot my mask in the trench.

“The demon, Therpen, found me. Everything hurts when you get mustard gassed. It hurts to breathe, it hurts to blink. I just wanted to die but Therpen said if he possessed me, it would keep him out of hell and stop my pain, so I said yes. I just wanted the pain to stop.”

“But the last year…”

“That’s not Therpen. That’s me. Therpen doesn’t control me, Ry. He’s just along for the ride and keeps my body going. I do love you. I promise I do.”

Ryan had to think. His boyfriend was possessed by a demon and he should have died a little over 100 years ago. What the hell was he supposed to do with this? His boyfriend was possessed by a demon and older than his great-grandfather. 

“Please. Say something.” Shane pleaded. 

“You really- everything over the last year has nothing to do with…”

“No, no. Nothing at all. My love for you, Ryan, is genuinely something I feel. Demons don’t feel emotions.”

Ryan contemplated for a moment. This Therpen had nothing to do with their relationship aside from the fact that he was Shane’s personal generator.

“I...love you too. Just-just, why didn’t you tell me about this?” Ryan capped the holy water and put the bottle back in his back pocket.

“I didn’t want to scare you. I don’t like seeing you scared, Little Guy.”

Ryan took another step back and Shane felt his heart clench. “The whole time...the whole two years I’ve known you. After all the shit you’ve given me for trying to find proof of the supernatural and there’s been a fucking demon has giving you life support for 100 years?” Ryan clenched his hands into fists and resists the urge to splash him with the holy water. 

“That’s how it worked; playing...devil’s advocate for lack of a better phrase.” 

“You never once could have mentioned that you didn’t think I was crazy? Damn, Shane.” Ryan pinched the bridge of his nose. “I just- I’m not scared of you. I’m just fucking pissed. All this time and you never fucking trusted me.”

“I do trust you. That isn’t why I never told you.” Shane’s tone of voice became softer. “You get so scared so easily. I’m sorry.”

“I need time to think.” Ryan dropped the holy water on the kitchen table and grabbed his jacket.

“Wait, wait. Ry-”

The door slammed. 

*****

Ryan came back two hours later. Two bowls of now cold noodles sat on the kitchen table. Shane slept in what must have been an uncomfortable ball on the couch. The younger man sighed with a shake of his head. He took the blanket from the back of the couch and laid it over Shane. He made his way to the kitchen to get a glass of water. 

Shane stirred on the couch and his sleep clouded eyes donned confusion when he noticed the blanket on him. Finally, he looked up and saw Ryan. “You came back.”

“Yeah.” Ryan scratched the back of his neck.

Shane stood and folded the blanket, draping it back over the couch. “Any decisions or is the jury still out?” 

Ryan thought about how to word his next question. “This demon, Sherpin or whatever, doesn’t impact your choices? It just keeps you alive?” 

“It just keeps me alive.” Shane confirmed. 

“I’m not going anywhere, Big Guy.” 

Shane felt instant relief at Ryan’s words. He wanted nothing more than to kiss the younger man, but he wasn’t sure how Ryan would react at this moment. 

“Are you hungry?” Ryan questioned. 

“I’m good.” Shane shrugged. 

Ryan cocked his head to the side, doubting the man’s words. 

“I’m kinda hungry.”

Ryan chuckled and put the bowls in the microwave. Shane got them something to drink.

“Ryan?”

“Hm?”

“You know how we don’t get a lot of activity in the demon episodes of unsolved?”

“Yeah.”

“That’s uh, that’s because of me and Therpen. I don’t want to risk you getting hurt or scared so Therpen shows himself when you aren’t looking and scares them off.” Shane was shocked when Ryan started laughing.  

“After learning my boyfriend is being possessed by a demon, I don’t think anything you say can surprise me anymore.”

“How do you… How did you even figure it out? I never said anything. I was so careful.” 

Ryan scratched the back of his head as the microwave went off. “I was uh, I was tagged in someone’s fanart on Twitter. You know how some fans ‘think’ you’re a demon? Splashing you was supposed to make you laugh, not scream. I had no fucking idea.”

It was Shane’s turn to laugh. “Can I see the fanart?”

Ryan’s cheeks turned red and Shane smirked. “It can’t be worse than anything we’ve done.”

“I’ll DM it to you.”

*****

That night, they laid in bed and Shane was careful not to move too much. Ryan rolled onto his side and looked at Shane through the darkness.

“What are you doing, Shane?” Ryan asked. “Did I hurt you?”

“Ry, you didn’t know-”

“I did after the first time.” Ryan sat up and turned on the lamp. “I-”

“Me screaming wasn’t the reaction you were expecting.” Shane sat up. “It’s okay. I’m not in pain and you came back, so everything’s okay.”

Ryan scooted closer to Shane and Shane reached over him to turn off the lamp again. As soon as they laid down again, Ryan curled into Shane’s side and the taller man didn’t waste a second in wrapping his arms around the shorter man. It didn’t take long for them to fall asleep.

[perfectedingbadideas]

[If I get the Icons I”m thinking about using Hilda from Fire Emblem 3 houses for a mun face clam cause man can she be a mood. ]

Name: Shanna

Star sign: Aries

Height: 5′6

middle name: Lee

put your itunes spotify on shuffle. what are the first 6 songs that popped up?

The Devil within by Digital Daggers

6 gun Quota by Seether

Thin Line by Honeyhoney

Asking for it by Shinedown

Citizen Radio by Egypt Central 

Fault Line by Ten Years

Grab one book nearest to you and turn to page 23. what’s line 17?: “”I whistled. The Velvet Room was a high-priced escort service run by a woman named Bianca.” Storm Front by Jim Butcher

Ever had a poem or a song written about you? No can’t say I ever have,

When was the last time you played air guitar? Haha. Not something I’ve done for a really long time. I was a kid at least. Can’t even remember who it was.

Who is your celebrity crush? Ah well shit. Feel like this is going to be ridiculous. Look there might be something of a type in this. Cillian Murphy, Matt Ryan [Fucking obviously] and ever since he started playing Punisher Jon Berthal. Those are probably the biggest. When I was a teenager it was Villie Valo from HIM. 

What’s a sound you hate; sound you love?

Sound I hate the most I have ranted to a couple people about this someone chewing over the phone. Drives me insane!

Sounds I love, corny I know but I love the sound of the rain. A good song. I’m a music junkie so music as always something I love.

Do you believe in ghosts? I’m going to say yes. I have a list of places I want to go to see how real this stuff is. I know that shows and youtube videos depend on ratings and the like. So I don’t take them too seriously. But still I want to see what I can witness for myself.

How about aliens? Yes. Seems like too much of a waste to be the only planet with intelligent life. There’s something out there. Don’t know if they feel the need to come here but there’s something there.

Do you drive?  No

If so, have you ever crashed? Don’t drive. Was in a pretty bad car accident when I was young. Lucky no one got really hurt.

What was the last book you read? Do comics or rereads count? 

Do you like the smell of gasoline? No. Hate it actually.

What was the last movie you saw? Hm… Fuck I don’t know. Haha Been more into shows than movies lately.

What’s the worst injury you’ve ever had? I broke my finger when I was like ten? I have been in the hospital back in October for letting my Diabetes get out of hand. 

Do you have any obsessions right now? Hellblazer which has been an obsession off and on for years. Fire Emblem is always great. When or if season 2 of the Boys  drops that’s gonna be on here.

Do you tend to hold grudges against people who have done you wrong? I try not to be. I can be a petty little shit when given reason to be. But really do try not to hold a grudge. I’m pretty laid back you really have to piss me off for that.

In a relationship? Not right now. Been a year or more since I was in one and really not too upset about it? My sister is trying to hook me up with my best friend though. Haha

tagged by: @thecursedhellblazer [I feel like I said a bit much. Haha]

tagging: @misfitxbeggars, @ineffableduality, @itsbitmxdinhere, @thedemonconstantine, @timedriving Steal it guys. XD 

[tessatechaitea]

The Sandman Universe Presents: Hellblazer #1

I just want to see Constantine enter a Magic the Gathering tournament.

Bah! Always a debt do! PTUI!

Years of DC magic-users casting backwards spells and magicking up solutions to problems without a hint of "always a debt do" and then, suddenly, nobody can cast a fucking cantrip without paying out of pocket somehow. I get the "always a debt due" when you're dealing with demons or devils or some other kind of help from a summoned or black magic creature. But why the fuck must all magic cost something insane?! Just let Constantine do magic but occasionally he's got to deal with more powerful creatures or magicians who want something in return. Don't make him need to pay for every little thing he does. Something has eaten the sun so Constantine writes the word "Fuck" all over a decapitated pig's head. Can a head be described as decapitated? Isn't that the adjective for the body? Or does it only refer to both parts after separation? Anyway, you probably knew what I meant! I mean about the pig's head being separated from its body and not about how Constantine writing "Fuck" all over it will help return the sun.

Wouldn't be Hellblazer without the C-word. Although is it appropriate? I'm reading this prior to the watershed.

That's Chas's brief cameo in this new series. You might wonder how I know it's brief. Well, I read the next page where Chas dies distracting the evil monsters so that the super heroes can get the sun back. It's the quickest way for Simon to let the audience know that Constantine will do anything to save the world, even betray his friends. Plus he makes sure to say, "I've done worse for less," just to drive the point home. It's one of those revelations that would have greater impact over a long run of multiple different story arcs. But modern comic books don't understand that kind of accrued history anymore. Things have to happen quickly and in comic book shorthand, before the comic is cancelled. Plus, who wants to wait five years for sixty issues worth of history and characterization?! Spurrier knows Constantine has years of characterization and history already built up! Why not shove all of that into the first few pages of this new series and move on from there?! Constantine takes a bit of Chas's taxi cab shrapnel in the side and now he's probably dying. Sure, he could probably save himself by casting a spell that sends five babies to Hell. But first he has to find five babies! Instead, he just runs into young Tim Hunter from the past. John is all, "Oh, hey! Tim! Remember The Books of Magic? Remember Fairie? Remember how we all hated your stupid prat face? Anyway, this is your future and the bad guy ending the world is grown up you. Jerk." Tim Hunter is all, "That's me?! I wonder if I've been laid yet! Man, just think how much my older self's dick stinks!" Tim Hunter goes off to, I don't know, sue J.K. Rowling or something, leaving Constantine to die. But before Constantine dies, he's visited by old man Constantine. If things seem a bit crazy, it's because Constantine kept mentioning something about the world going mad or everything leading to madness or something that I didn't mention. But now I'm mentioning it so that all of this weirdness makes sense. Old Man Constantine wants John's soul in exchange for saving him. That's a pretty good deal, really! I'd totally go for it! Give up your soul to yourself way in the future? It's like putting it away for safe keeping! How the hell do you pass up that deal?!

That was my point! Take the deal, mate!

Constantine thinks Old Man Constantine is probably a Constantine from another universe and that there'll be some kind of catch. But he's dying and he doesn't have much time to decide so he takes the deal. That'll probably be important later! Old Man Constantine heals John, tells him to be the best John he can be, and then transports Constantine to some mental ward somewhere. Another universe without the sun being eaten? Maybe that was just the prologue to describe how Constantine leaped from the main DC Universe to the Black Label DC Universe. And now we can forget all of that Tim Hunter ending the world stuff that was so 1990s DC Vertigo weirdness. Now it's time for Constantine Unplugged! That just means he can say cunt again. Constantine manages to talk his way out of Ravenscar psychiatric hospital and discovers he's in modern London where Brexit is happening. Or not happening. Or not not happening? I guess we'll find out the next chapter of Brexit after the special elections. Go Labour!

Constantine having a bit of a philosophical thought about his own entanglement in a comic book ret-con.

I feel bad for comic book fans who need a moment like the panels above to justify comic book continuity. Who dreams of having some kind of solid, historical timeline without any errors throughout? Especially when your main characters never age. What the fuck do they want? Magic?! Anyway, I think Spurrier does the best he can here dealing with the audience he knows he need to fucking explain every little thing to. He's just putting it right out front: "Yeah, Constantine has a bunch of memories that don't mesh at all and he's now in 2019 and he's in his thirties or something and yes he was heavily involved in the 70s punk scene and maybe just get over it, okay? You're reading a funny book about magic. Grow the fuck up." Constantine finds Chas possessed by all the demons that meant to kill him years ago. He's dying of cancer from second-hand smoke and tells Constantine to fuck off and ruin somebody else's life. So John fucks off to go ruin somebody else's life. Or maybe to be a better version of himself. Or just to go drink himself into retirement. Sandman Universe Presents: Hellblazer #1 Final Thoughts: I guess this is the Hellblazer #1 prologue introducing the new series starting this week in Hellblazer #1. That's going to be really confusing for my image tags if I forget that I labeled these images "Hellblazer1.jpg" and such. If the scans in this review don't seem to make any sense, it's because you're reading this a few months on and I forgot about the image tags and reused the same tags for John Constantine, Hellblazer #1 coming out this Wednesday (but which I won't probably review for another week or two). Sorry!

[dapperfvck-arc]

BASIC.

FULL NAME. John Constantine NICKNAME. officially, Conjob, mostly from his days on the punk scene. On the esoteric side of things he may be referred to “The Laughing Magician” or, more derisively “a petty dabbler”. BIRTHDAY. May 10 (by original Hellblazer canon, he was born in 1953, but I’ve taken it upon myself to adjust his birth year to some time in the early 70s give or take) ETHNIC GROUP.  Caucasian NATIONALITY.  English (with strongly implied deep Russian roots) LANGUAGE.  English, basic grasp of most major European languages, profound fluency in dead/magical/infernal languages SEXUAL ORIENTATION. Bisexual af RELATIONSHIP STATUS. Verse/continuity dependent, though this blog is fairly heavily multi-ship. However, it should be noted that on the MCU continuity, John is in an exclusive, committed relationship with Matt Murdock ( @dcviltongued ) CLASS. Middle to lower class. Is very good at getting fast money (scams, gambling, dealing in magic artifacts/antiques of questionable quality and veracity) so may appear to be better off at certain times HOME TOWN / AREA. Liverpool, England, but has been living in London since leaving the family home at 17. CURRENT HOME. Heavily verse/continuity/thread dependent. John is a frequent traveller. PROFESSION. Somewhat verse/continuity dependent. Really it’s just a matter of whether or not he charges for exorcisms or magic rituals. My personal endgame for John is legitimacy. Like becoming a preternatural PI (and sometimes mundane) for hire or whatever. As a general rule though, his profession is con artist. He’s never worked a honest day’s work in his life. The closest he ever got was when he was a “rock star”. He could also be considered a professional gambler, patronizing horse tracks, underground card games, legal casinos, and I imagine can hustle at pool. Scams range from blackmail to using his reputation as an occultist to take advantage of people willing to pay for spell work.

PHYSICAL.

HAIR. Short and usually rather messy. He rocks bedhead pretty aggressively. May be shaved and very short on the sides and styled into a faux to actual mohawk. He’s very blonde despite not getting very much sun as a general.  EYES. Electric blue, often almost fever bright. Deep and captivating, extremely intense straight on. NOSE. difficult to pin down due to the range of styles in which John have been drawn. Usually broad and more or less regular, occasionally somewhat crooked from being broken, though by and large, it’s portrayed as straight. Some artists, such as Moriat and Sean Murphy have drawn it as narrow and somewhat aquiline. I guess, I tend lean toward the former despite my deep love for Murphy’s interpretation of John, simply because I feel like my choice in FC is somewhat based on Tim Bradstreet and Leonardo Manco’s artistic interpretations of John, both of which I honestly adore just as well. FACE. Yet another loooong explanation here, I’m sorry. Artists tend to lean between giving him either a square face, classically handsome appearance (Steve Dillon, John Higgins, Ron Tiner, most of artists that have drawn him in the DC titles he’s appeared in), a broader, more every man appearance (Sean Phillips, Leonardo Manco to some degree, though later proved quite capable of drawing him stunningly handsome, and Tim Bradstreet), however still attractive but somewhat more haggard, stubbled, and/or slightly seedy in appearance, and finally a sharper, more diamond shape to his face featuring high cheekbones, a pointed chin and fine bone structure (Sean Murphy, Marcelo Frusin, and Moriat). Once more, in reference to my face claim for John, I suppose I tend to favour a more classically handsome appearance, simply because I like the idea of him having a pleasant, almost trustworthy face given that he is a con artist and considered an extremely good one (sometimes even the greatest con artist alive but idk whatever), and I feel like looking as dodgy as say, Frusin’s interpretation, I can’t imagine him being as successful as he is, you feel me? That guy looks like he’ll fuck you over for a corn chip. LIPS. Sensuous, faintly lined from his his smoking habit COMPLEXION.  Like any good Englishman that tends to move about by night and quite a bit dressed, John’s very pale. I do think he has a faintly pronounced undertone of pink. This colour will get brighter when he gets drunk, aroused, angry, or the exceedingly rare instance that he’s embarrassed  BLEMISHES. None SCARS. Aside from the scarification, which is better off detailed in the next section, and I ALWAYS FORGET TO MENTION THIS, he definitely has a long scar over one eye from a demon trying to cut it out with a blade. Since many magic rituals call for blood, I head canon that he also has faint scarring on his arms because he doesn’t practice human or animal sacrifice and his own blood instead.

TATTOOS. Arse tattoo of pine tree courtesy of Swamp Thing being a punk bitch, ritual tattoos faded into appearing as scarification. HEIGHT. 5′11 (184.34 cm) WEIGHT: prolly ranges between 150-160lbs (140 at his lightest) BUILD.  Long legs, somewhat of a broad upper torso, can be a bit soft in the middle. In general, he’s rather thin but his musculature is not usually very defined. In other words, no big, sexy pecs or cut abs. If anything he’s more sleek lines and narrow planes. ALLERGIES.  none USUAL HAIR STYLE. Freshly fucked USUAL CLOTHING. Dark suits, usually dark blue or black and trench coat, usually tan, has also been portrayed as black, yellow, or a mossy kinda green. In theory it could be said that these aren’t just differing interpretations from artists but that John owns coats in different colours, styles, and fabrics, but his favourite is the tan, longer style

PSYCHOLOGY.

FEAR. abandonment, amounting to nothing, not being able to protect those he cares about ASPIRATION. survival, making some kind of mark on this world, a measure of contentment POSITIVE TRAITS. Compassionate and determined, above all. Though not about to admit to it, he's still deeply idealistic. Strangely forgiving. He doesn’t really keep grudges. Loving, considerate, understanding, and rarely judgmental  NEGATIVE TRAITS. Those good things up above? They’re encased in a shell of harsh cynicism and apathy. Depending on his mood or particular part of his life depends on how hard a shell he is to crack. He may also experience depressive periods where he doesn’t give a shit about anyone or anything and just wants to drink. VICE HABIT.  Chain smokes, drinks, frequency dependent on what’s up in his life, though I do not believe he’s an alcoholic, sorry, because lol look, drinking a lot doesn’t mean you have a dependency. Indulges in drugs infrequently, mostly hallucinogens and weed, though I also tend to head canon that he flirted with a cocaine habit while fronting Mucous Membrane.  FAITH.  It’s complicated GHOSTS? Duh. He sees them plain as any living person AFTERLIFE?  Yeah, but uh, he doesn’t consider them eternal respites. They’re just planes of existence that he can either enter, leave, or pull people out. REINCARNATION? Maybe? ALIENS? I meeeeaannn....technically in DCU he’s acquainted with the concept of aliens and may or may not have fucked Hal Jordan POLITICAL ALIGNMENT. Liberal ECONOMIC PREFERENCE. comfortable  SOCIOPOLITICAL POSITION. working class warlock EDUCATION LEVEL.  Predominately self-educated. His frightfully intelligent and has been cited as having genius level intellect. Although I’m not sure I’d go so far as confirm that, I do thing he’s extremely clever and pragmatic. School bored him to tears and he was the type of kid the counselors and teachers say “exceedingly bright but unwilling to apply himself”. He reads voraciously, has an eidetic memory, and isn’t afraid of putting himself in new situations.

FAMILY.

FATHER.  Thomas (dead, murdered by the Family Man) MOTHER.  Mary Anne (died in child birth) SIBLINGS.  Cheryl (murdered by husband, currently residing in Hell), an unnamed twin brother referred to as the Golden Child or Boy, the true heir to the Laughing Magician (stillborn, soul was later absorbed by John in trippy magic ritual, only to be expelled later in life when it was revealed that...uh...he was influencing John’s destiny to be perpetually sabotaged. Hellblazer’s a weird comic, you guys) EXTENDED  FAMILY.  Gemma, his niece. They have a rather stormy relationship. Chas, his best mate. Lovers may also be included in this. NAME MEANING. John: Jehovah has been Gracious/Shown Favour (lmao) Constantine: Constant, steadfast, generally referred to as “The Constant One”

HISTORICAL CONNECTION. Is strongly implied that John’s related, if perhaps distantly, to Constantine the Great.

FAVOURITES.

BOOKS.  Prefers non-fiction MUSIC. Rock music, most notably 70s and 80s era punk rock. Likes the Pogues. Given the stack of evidence that John skirts the edge of the Goth scene cos he likes the aesthetic on women, I have a feeling he’s adopted into his music tastes. The Cure, Smiths, and Cocteau Twins in reference to an 80s mixtape John might make. Which i question the Smiths heavily, but The Cure and Cocteau Twins seems fairly legit. I bet Kit loved the Cocteau Twins. In that same vein of thought, although I tend to think John doesn’t like electronic music, he may have adopted some industrial bands into his preferences but he’s not about to talk about ti any time soon. DEITY.  Whichever one doesn’t hate him HOLIDAY.  doesn’t care MONTH. same SEASON.  Fall PLACE.  London or New York, in the case of sentimentality that he will never be able to get back to, the years when he was bumming around Ireland with Brenden and Kit WEATHER. Overcast SOUND.  He’s a city boy through and through, even if he may get frustrated with society on a whole, so he’s comforted by city sounds more than silence SCENT.  A freshly poured pint, the first cigarette of the day, skin and sex sweat TASTE.  Gin FEEL. He’s a sensualist. Body to body, breathing another person’s breath, his please, another person’s pleasure, his pleasure, all that good stuff. I also feel like he enjoys being drunk or stoned for the sake of having his thoughts dulled to a degree. He’s the sort of man who has lots of thoughts and situational observational input. John is basically perpetually mentally overstimulated and he likes the relief from that in inebriation. ANIMAL.  Fox  NUMBER.  hahaha idea numerology man COLOUR.  warm and neutral tones

EXTRA.

TALENTS. So many. He’s a jack of all trades in a lot of ways. He can pick a lock, displays some artistic talent in that he can draw very intricate magic circles and sigils, if you consider that John wrote Venus of the Hardsell, he’s clearly got some ability to express himself in lyrics and words, i like to think he can play guitar, is apparently good with delicate craftsmanship (he used to help Dani build furniture for her dollhouses. This is canon by the way), suppose you could say he can sort of sing, but that’s debatable, and of course he’s very manipulative and speaks very well, is educated enough to be able to bullshit through various situations. TURN ONS. Total ass man, loves a great ass on a man or woman, dark hair, dark eyes, strong men, he’s a switch, but loves being manhandled and dominated to a degree, by either gender, honestly, danger, open affection, being wanted, loved, and cherished. So many things, honestly. John Constantine is easy. TURN OFFS.   Hardcore kink HOBBIES. Sleep, pub crawls, pretending he’s normal, reading TROPES. Con man with a heart of gold, charming bastard, unrepentant rogue, urban magician, supernatural detective, living legend AESTHETICS. smoke, chalk dust, wind and rain swept streets, London after midnight, narrow, dark alleys, haunted places, rumpled bed sheets, messy hair, dive bars, wicked smiles, deep kisses

FC INFO.

MAIN  FC. Ewan McGregor // comic caps from various issues he’s appeared ALT  FC. Keanu Reeves for my filmverse OLDER  FC. Don’t have one as yet YOUNGER  FC. Ewan McGregor   VOICE  CLAIM.  Jason Stathem

Tagged by: @vamptrampbamf Tagging: lmao fuckin everyone.

[tessatechaitea]

So what DC ongoings are you still reading? And what are your thoughts on them?

Dark Nights: It’s an event so I’m enjoying it for the “clever” retcon bullshit it’s pulling and will pull.

Detective Comics: I’m mainly holding on for Death in the Family Part II since I’m not a huge fan of Tynion’s writing.

Nightwing: It’s not as good as Grayson was but it’s light and fluffy (for the most part) which DC needs more of.

Justice League: Simply because it’s Justice League. Bryan Hitch is a lazy writer who has basically written the same story four or five times in this run (not counting the same story he wrote in the previous super delayed last run on JLA). Now he’s pulling it altogether to make as if it were the same story. It’s always fun, as a writer, to rewrite the shit you previously wrote by writing new things to cast a new light on the old lazy crap as if it were planned and plotted from the beginning.

Justice League of America: Lobo lobo lobo lob. O Lobo Lobo Lobo Lobo Lobo! Lo! B...o!

Dastardly and Muttley: Because Dick Dastardly and Muttley! Plus Garth Ennis. I mean, what?

Mister Miracle: If you didn’t read the Omega Men by Tom King, you’re the worst. If you’re not reading this, your even worstester.

Action Comics: Look, it has to stay on my pull list until at least Issue #1000, right? Plus the Oz stuff. Although, I mean, Oz is Jor-el? Fuck you, Dan Jurgens! This smells like some of that Armageddon bullshit where Monarch turned out to be Hawk instead of Captain Atom simply because it was so obvious that everybody guessed his identity. I guess Jor-el as Oz is a surprise since it obviously never was him? Although it’s not like I’ve been reading Action Comics closely. Perhaps I just missed the clues!

Deathstork: The writing is still great but I hate Deathstork trying to redeem himself. I mean, he killed Power Girl’s dog in front of her with his bare hands! You don’t get to be redeemed after that shit. You stay a dick.

Doom Patrol: Fucking so good. SOOOOO GOOOOD! I had doubts when it first began but I’m loving that it’s just the right balance of new and Morrison’s Doom Patrol with hints and shadows of past Doom Patrols. Plus the Brotherhood of Dada is coming back! I mean, the Brotherhood of Nada! Probably. That’s my prediction after last issue, anyway.

Suicide Squad: I will always collect and read every version of Suicide Squad because of Ostrander’s glorious run. No matter how much it sucks or badly Rob Williams is at adding humor.

Batman: This shit is good and the War of Jokes and Riddles is being told in an inventive and fun way. Plus all the Kite Man you could ever want! Tom King has such a huge boner for that guy.

New Super-man: This might be my favorite comic book that I keep forgetting is my favorite comic book. It’s a treat and a nice surprise when I find it in my pull box once a month and I get to think, “Oh yeah! I love this comic book!”

All Star Batman: I liked Snyder’s early work so much that I’ll keep reading this one and pretending I’m liking it.

Kamandi Challenge: What is the challenge? What am I supposed to be solving? What the fuck is going on?

The Hellblazer: I think this one would be better in trade. It’s pretty dense and it’s got some stories that are overlapping and intertwining in ways that make me keep thinking, “Why can’t I remember anything clearly from month to month?! This would make so much more sense!” I miss Moritat on art.

Mother Panic: I don’t know. I like this book but I’m not sure why. Maybe because it’s female Batman who says fuck and looks hotter than Bruce Wayne when she’s out being a socialite?

Cave Carson: My apathy might be the reason I’m still pulling this one. I liked writing about the story as a euphemism for Carson’s impotence. But I’m not sure how much I like it when I’m not writing about it.

I think that’s all the DC books I’m reading!

[tessatechaitea]

The Hellblazer #5

Stop oversexualizing Constantine, Comic book artists!

I scanned this for the sentiment. The plums that look like pudgy little penises are a bonus.

• I often wonder why it seems like there isn't as much time during each day as I seem to remember there being. Then I think, "Oh yeah! The Internet!" What a time sink that thing is! Why isn't anybody regulating this thing?! • That was a joke! • The man fingering the plum is actually a genie. He's not as hyperactive as the one in Aladdin but then how many of them are? Probably not many of them. Although Aladdin was really lucky to find a genie who wasn't into cutting off the heads of everybody he met or dismembering people and hiding them in trunks. This genie wants to save mankind from itself in the usual way which probably means genocide with some additional enslavement. The woman, Clarice, is a mage who he's forcing to work with him. If she doesn't, he'll banish her to the Land of Discarded Toys. I think that's the island where Darien Wolf died to save his sister Therese. • I guess that's a spoiler but if I don't mention what it's spoiling, it isn't really a spoiler, is it?! • Meanwhile, Swamp Thing is declared physically unfit to continue doing a favor for Constantine. Also, the new artist draws Mercury in such a way that I instantly lose my crush on her. Apparently I never actually liked Mercury herself. I only like the way Moritat draws Mercury. Also, I like the way Moritat draws Tallulah Black. And also Charlotte the Harlot. And also Lorna Kyle. And also Gina. And...okay, every female Moritat draws, I fall in love with. And also some of the men! Like Jonah Hex! But I think that had more to do with the writing in All Star Western and less with his physique. • Swamp Thing explains how he goes to the water closet and then disappears into the Green. Now it's up to John, Chas, and Mercury to figure out why the genies need an elemental. • I should probably call them Djinn since that's what they call themselves. But I also would just rather use the Anglicized version. Since they don't actually exist, I'm hoping that I don't get called a disrespectful racist for not using the term they prefer. • Ha ha. I wrote "disrespectful racist."

But genies is okay, right?!

• Constantine decides to get to know Mercury better by telling her three things he supposes she doesn't know about him and then getting three pieces of information from her that will probably help him when he needs to cast a spell on her later. • Fact #1: Constantine can't ride a bicycle. I wonder if anybody went through every issue of Swamp Thing and Hellblazer to verify this fact or if they just went, "This is fucking Rebirth, motherfucker! Everything is what we say it is! Boom! Is this the appropriate time to drop a mic?" • I bet his other facts are "I've never eaten peanut butter" and "I suck dicks. Lots of dicks. All the dicks." • Mercury's number one fact is that she used to eat McDonald's. Ew! Slut! • Constantine hates the word "moist." Boring. Fucking boring! You know who I hate more than the people I actually hate and aren't just pretending I hate to make a stupid point? People who say they hate the word "moist!" Along with moist, Mercury also hates these words: slacks, smear, squirt, nomads, Indians, and saints. • Constantine's third fact is that he wished things had turned out differently between him and Mercury's mom. Or maybe the creepy pedo means between him and Mercury! He's about as clear on the point as The Bible is on its use of pronouns. • Mercury's third fact is that her mom is in Cane Hill Asylum which just happens to be one left turn away from where they're currently playing John's game in the back of Chas's black cab. So they go to visit!

The bit about nobody being ready for real life is something I often think. But then how do you explain all the people running things and trying so hard to look like adults? If they're as truly not ready for real life as I continue to be then I can only think they're monsters. They're some kind of mimic desperate for other people to approve of the way they're doing the thing that gets approval from people who think that's the way they're all supposed to be. Also, it might just be about sex. You act like an adult because confidence, responsibility, and financial security are all things people look for in mates. Otherwise you just wind up fucking your next dependent.

• Mercury calls Constantine a tosser which reminds me I'm not playing Overwatch. My main character is Tracer and I always have her in her Vivienne Westwood outfit because while wearing it, she sometimes calls people she kills wankers or tossers. • Meanwhile, it seems Simon Oliver finished the script a page too early so he threw in a scene where Swamp Thing tells his parents to go stuff it. Sort of. The Ranking! +1! Constantine didn't swear at all this issue! I think maybe he's been replaced by a simulacrum!