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delimeful · 5 years

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First time they saw Patton cuddling with Virgil? (Like y’know the energy thing maybe?) Or Virgil protecting the three of them from some other alien?

Okay, now that Making Adjustments is out in full, I’m posting all the asks that inspired me for certain parts or even just to continue writing! Thank you to everyone who sent in ideas/what they wanted to see/theories, I really appreciate it! All asks under the cut!

@ironwoman359 said: I’d be really interested to read about what the first week or two aboard the ship with all four of them was like. I’m sure it was a big adjustment for all of them, and it’d be really cool to see!

@skeletonsloverockcandy said: WINBAR prompt - Virgil’s first night on the ship, is not with Patton, and gets a nightmare. Logan finds him and Virgil has to explain his nightmare/dreams

@the-princey-pie said: Logan mentioned that Virgil would probbaly have trouble fitting through the space ship doors. Now I really want to see Vorgil stepping into their spaceship the first time/navigating it for the first few weeks.

@indigomasquerade97 said: WIBAR prompt. Virgil is Stitch from Lilo and Stitch. You know the scene I’m talking about! ;) Roman is still freaked out with the idea of having a human on board, and one night (maybe on patrol, since he is still jittery from loosing Patton and doesn’t want to loose him - or Logan - again) and he gets freaked out by the nocturnal human suddenly being in the room? IDK

Anonymous said: So. I was wondering for the WIBAR prompts, what was Virgil’s first night on the ship like? How did Roman and Logan act towards him? And is he worried that his relationship with Patton is going to change now that he’s back with his family? Sorry if this is a lot…

Anonymous said: WIBAR prompt idea: Food! Since food is often culturally connected for humans, would it be the same for our alien friends? And if they have any, from Virgil’s pov., strange food items etc. Would be interesting to see considering they are all from such different species. :D

@justanotherpurplebutterfly said: WIBAR: did Patton tell his crewmates how to interpret Virgil’s body language? Did they figure it out for themselves? Did they struggle to remember when they saw him smile or stretch (and make himself big) or something?

Anonymous said: I would love to see some V POV or adjustment period/cultural differences! (particularly L/R’s reactions to V smiling, differences in diet/hunting styles, what V considers a threat vs. what LMP consider threats… anything that highlights the deathworlder in Virg! (Space Australia is like my fav thing that came out of tumblr)) also maybe some more of L/R’s thoughts on Patton befriending a space boogieman?? I really really love this au! :)

Anonymous said: OoOOooh okay how about,, Virgil’s POV as they head back to Roman and Logan’s ship and get on, (and maybe if he doesn’t know the species Logan and Roman are he could ask? That seems the easiest way for us to learn more about the boys without it being too awkwardly shoved in) and V’s probably awkward because he doesn’t know Lo and Ro and Ro’s openly hostile and he wasn’t expecting to go along with them and idk you decide. Also :DD wibar’s not done yet!! Tysm; I’m really enjoying it!

@bishopriecke said: Okay, so I’ve got a couple prompts so I’ll send them separately in case that’s how you’d wanted them? The story is absolutely adorable and it made me think of the sleeping habits back on the ship. There’s space for Virgil, but will Pat gravitate to sleeping with him, since it was such a comfort and Virgil only gets sleepy if he snags energy during cuddles? If he’s tired/virgil’s stressing over something will he wander over to where Virgil is chilling and settle in his lap? How’s Ro&Lo react?

@bumblebeekitten said: Do any of the others attempt to learn Virgil’s language? Or maybe Virgil quietly tries to dispel some of the more hurtful rumors about ‘deathworlder humans’?

Anonymous said: What would wibar Roman and Logan do if they couldn’t find Patton? Would they assume Virgil had done something?

Anonymous said: While waiting for more WIBAR, I keep re-reading everything (Act 1, Intermission, all the world building asks). Right now, I just want to plead with Patton to go find Virgil as he needs comfort, to calmly tell Logan that I don’t blame him, and to hiss at Roman that, while he has had bad experiences and that is valid, he needs to be nicer. Granted, a reaction like that from a human fan-nut probably wouldn’t help Virgil’s case… but he needs a hug so much right now!

Anonymous said: i’m thinking there’s lots of potential for hurt/comfort with this chapter. Virgil’s obviously panicking so i reckon he’s gonna have to try and convince himself that he can trust Patton if not the others. i feel like virgil still wont trust the others but they’ll get to see that he’s not always this big, strong deathworlder and he gets scared just like them. he’s been traumatised and he cares for Patt a lot and theyll try to understand eachother better and hopefully become friends/gain some trust

Anonymous said: that is very much wishful think and a need for my boys to be happy though haha. soz, that probably wasnt very helpful for writing but thats just something i’d like to see happen but i KNOW that whatever you end up writing is gonna be fabulous (ran out of room on my last ask and couldnt even sign it, whoops)

@justanotherpurplebutterfly said: I’m mainly really curious how Roman will react. If he has even have as big of an imagination as buobba Roman then he will probably interpret Virgil’s outburst as a violent attack and try to frame him as a danger they shouldn’t keep on the ship. However if he was able to detect Virgil’s fear then this might be the first step of them growing closer. Idk which I like better, because on one hand I want them to to get along and witness wacky human things in an amicable atmosphere, but on the other hand, misunderstandings are soooo good!!!! Most of all I want Virgil to get a hug though. Poor boy deserves one. I don’t care with who it is, although I suspect it will be Patton because no way the other ones trust Virgil enough and vice versa.

@yalltookmyurlideas said: Haha wibar fears? There are,,, so many. My main fear is that Roman will misinterpret Virgil’s panic to mean he’s hiding something and not see it for the panic and fear it is.

Anonymous said: I was thinking about for WIBAR, are we going to find out more about Virgils life on Earth? Is there angst there or is it irrelevant? Also would Logan and Roman go after Virgil themselves so as not to worry Pat or would they realise this was a situation they couldn’t solve? OR does Roman think V is attacking them and goes to hurt him? Sorry long ask but I’m excited for the chapter 😅😅🥰🥰

Anonymous said: Ayyy super late gang, barely got a hour of sleep bc anxiety/nightmares so yeehaw. I guess for WIBAR, the most essential thing to consider is how you want Making Adjustments to sorta add onto its characters & how they interact. Idk that ofc, but I think the situation is going to resolve into a ‘im only human’ (the irony) kinda situation and the crew (maybe minus patton??) only /starting/ to grasp the human is a bunch of damaged goods who is lowkey more scared of them than they are of he (½)

Anonymous said: (2/2) how i see the situation going down? Depends who finds him. If it’s Pat, he could sing him clam like in the cell. If its Roman or Logan, odds are Virgil’s gonna b scared & his response will be to Fight or Freeze, as he already did the Flight option. Virgil reacting like a cornered animal would be terrifying Ro and Lo. (Also Ro and Lo going to wake up Pat for Human Help has the same vibes of a child waking up their parents to tell them they puked lmao)

@killerfangirl3 said: After where you left last chapter, I am 100% terrified Roman will find Virgil before Patton and cause real danger to everyone. After all Virgil is flooded with adrenaline right now and he barely knows how his strength affects the metal? of the ship as it is. The sudden increase in strength if he was attempting to defend himself could cause him to put a hole in the ship.

@hotchocolatehugs said: Oh! Also, would Virgil calm down if Patton found him, or would it just make him worse/more crazed? I dunno about his state of mind, but if I were in his position I would probably be acting aggressively to anyone who came in. Do aliens have hot chocolate or tea, or some equivalent drink? Because I think Virge needs a calming drink. (sorry if this is too much!)

Anonymous said: I saw your latest post and all I could think about is Virgil stuck on the appliance, really high up and close to the ceiling unseen while he sees Roman and Logan below. Maybe a bit of a language barrier while they say some words that Virgil may not no yet and jumping to conclusions and filling in the blanks in the sentences

Anonymous said: I’m afraid that In WIBAR, Roman may keep Pat from going to find and comfort Virgil and just…leave him up there

@katelynn-a-fan said: Mission impossible theme while looking for Virgil. Too short can’t see Virgil on top appliance. Mission impossible theme continues and fades into the distance. (That’s all I got)

Anonymous said: WIBAR suggestions/predictions/fears: I worry about Roman or Logan finding Virgil before Patton - Roman because I don’t think he will be understanding about how afraid Virgil is; Logan because I think that would scare Virgil more. He might break out of his flight stage into fight, and that could make them fear him more. But, while worry about this scenario, maybe it would be for the best. Maybe one or both need to find him at a low to see that he isn’t a monster, just scared.

@enby-phoenix said:

OK so wibar thoughts! I’m a little concerned that Roman will think that Virgil was genuinely trying to attack him with that chair and also probably trying to hurt Logan, and he’s gonna get upsetti. I also think that the way they figure out what’s made Virgil go all fight or flight will probably involve Logan doing the memory share thing, but it’ll take them a bit to get close enough without Virgil threatening to bite Logan’s hands off.

Also PLEASE let my boy eat a full meal and get some proper sleep!

I would also love to see Virgil curled around Patton protectively but everyone knows that it’s Patton who’s making Virgil feel safe.

Another prediction is that Logan, realizing that SOMETHING bad just happened, and knowing that all his information on humans seems to be incorrect or at least not apply to this one, will go to Patton for advice on what to do regarding Virgil’s sudden change of behavior, and how to calm him down again. Cause Patton is the resident expert on Virgil.

I also imagine that Logan might keep his note taking to himself again for a bit, until Virgil believes that he’s not the bad kind of scientist.

I love that Virgil climbed on top of the tallest thing he could find, and I imagine that if it’s above everyone else’s usual eyelines, they each walk past him multiple times while they’re worriedly searching the ship for him.

I’m mostly imagining Virgil clinging to Patton like a lifeline and the other two aliens worrying for their tiny friend but Patton knows that Virgil is just scared and sings him the “calm down baby it’s okay I’m here” hatchling soothing song until Virgil calms down a little, and then still staying with him while explanations are had. They do not come out of the small space on top of the tallest appliance and Roman doesn’t like that but he’ll deal.

Now that I’m thinking about it more, one of the best ways for Logan to gain (at least a little bit of) Virgil’s trust would be for Virgil to see his honest reaction to what the other scientists did to him. Cause based on what I know of Logan, he would be horrified. And that might help Virgil to realize that Logan ISN’T LIKE those other scientists.

Anonymous said: *gets out the defibrillator to help kickstart the creative juices* At this point Virgil is running on fumes and when the trio find him Patton tries to comfort him. But he’s too stressed and feels betrayed and there’s just too much inner turmoil for him to hold back so he finally breaks down in front of them. Perhaps it’s not Patton that manages to calm him down, but Roman who finally recognizes him as a traumatized person rather than “just an evil human” :D

@enby-phoenix said: tbh Virgil probably hisses at either Logan or Roman at some point and it makes them nervous and confused.

Anonymous said: Roman forcing Virgil down from his hiding spot. 'Blade’ to his neck and tying him to a chair. Virgil thinking that he shouldn’t have run and that they are going to be even angrier at him now, ergo more painful experiments. Begging to be put under for the cutting away and to please don’t get mad at Patton (just in case Patton was trying to be a good friend).

Anonymous said: Suggestion for WIBAR - Roman goes looking for Virgil, all ready for a confrontation. But, when he finds him, Virgil unknowingly makes some sort of gesture that means fear/terror to Roman’s people and he stops and evaluates the situation with clearer eyes. This gives Patton/Logan/both a chance to get there.

Anonymous said: Can we get somr wibar fluff/angst?

Anonymous said: I’m just waiting for WIBAR Virgil to just pass out and the panic of everyone that sees him. Or Roman threatening him or Logan goes to touch him and BAM he’s on the floor!

Anonymous said: Stuff for WIBAR: 1: who’s gonna find Virgil? 2: what’re they gonna do with him? 3: how’s he gonna react? – Options: Patton: tries to comfort him Virgil: can’t decide whether to trust or not, maybe leading to emotional outburst and sad PatPat – Logan: scared cuz danger goblin had an outburst at him. Wondering what he did wrong & how to best proceed Virgil: 'he’s gonna do tests on me’ fight or flight – Roman: 'so, if you hurt my friends imma hurt you’ Virgil: fight or flight – ½

Anonymous said: 2/2 Of course those aren’t the only options, but it was fun for me, and I hope it got creative juices flowing for you as well. I love all your writing, and I want you to know that you can take as long as you need to be proud of your work. It’s okay. And take care of yourself too! You can’t make as good of work when you aren’t feeling as good as usual

#asks #wibar #assistance asks #long post #read more please work :(

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jess-oh · 5 years

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prayer

hey God,

it’s been a while. i guess a part of me is afraid to say these things aloud in fear that claire might hear me. i would rather be alone.

i think there are a lot of factors concerning my relationship with you. I know when I was in Turkey, I had full faith in you and really witnessed and experienced you move. I felt so much of your pain and how much your heart breaks for your people that do not know you. i had full trust in you.

a few days later, i went to cross conference and felt incredibly convicted and cried and cried bc of the amount of guilt i felt. i prayed to you and you answered in a way that only you could. i gained clarity and was determined to properly equip myself before returning for a year. which is something that i still want to do.

but after the drive by happened only a couple weeks later, i felt incredibly hurt, broken, afraid, traumatized, helpless, and betrayed.

even now, the biggest thing on my heart is why. why god. i dont understand why you continue to put me through so much pain. what did i do so wrong to deserve so much suffering. if you really loved me, why would you purposefully put me through so much? i feel like my life is a living hell. there are times when i really genuinely hate being alive bc it just feels like too much pain. i cant take it. i would rather die and cease to exist than to go another day feeling such a heavy weight in my chest.

i want to get over it. i really do. and i am starting to accept that sometimes life just sucks and we just have to accept it as it is and move on. and ive started to move on from the fact that these things even came into existence. but i am still so upset that it was God that put me through this. i dont understand. i really truly dont understand. i want to understand but i dont. the actual experience isnt so bad anymore but the weight that these two events have carried haunts me to this day. and i cant take it anymore. i cant. i honestly really cant. God please. Why. I really just don’t understand why.

I am in so much pain and suffering and you did this to me and I cant even begin to understand why. I feel like I’ve worked so hard to please you and glorify you and live my life for you and it feels like instead of a reward, im being punished with this awful sinking hole inside my chest that i can never seem to escape.

i want to be better. i do.

i just dont know how or what to do anymore.

it’s been a while since my depression lingered and has stayed with me. i just cant seem to find the motivation to actually do my work and stay focused and be studious. if anything, i want to do so in order to honor and please my grandparents. it’s the least i can do to help them during this trying time.

did i push people away?

i know i started to keep secrets and didnt trust them as much and isolated myself to just suffer alone which is probably what made everything even harder and even worse in my own mind.

i dont want to fight this battle alone anymore. and i am really grateful and glad that i have jeanne to help me but

i do wish i wasnt alone here. which is partly my fault for not being more open and willing to share my current struggles and problems.

but i wish more people would reach out to me to check up and see how im doing. which i guess is also my fault for not being totally honest about how much pain i am in.

sigh.

and i dont know if it’s just me in my own head or what but whenever i am at church on sundays or retreats or lockins or whatever else, i always feel really self conscious. that im too loud or im going to expose myself by crying and really falling on my knees before God. I’m too afraid to take that risk.

im too afraid to really go before God honestly bc im afraid Claire or someone else is going to hear me and judge me.

but in the grand scheme of things, why do i really care what she thinks or anyone else? this life is so temporary and i do genuinely enjoy being at lakeview. i think people do genuinely care and love me and i do work really hard to be involved and to make a name for myself. and i think if news came out that i had killed myself, i think people would be shocked and affected.

but at least as of right now, im too afraid to really reach out for help. i dont know how theyll react or what theyll say or how their perception of me would change. i do want to seek therapy but i dont think i even fully understand what im feeling or going through. i dont even know what i would tell them.

i do want to worship God genuinely instead of feeling like im just saying a bunch of empty words over and over again. I want to actually believe the words im saying.

it did feel nice singing that turkish song on labor day

and living hope strung a chord with me too.

i just dont feel like i can truly praise Him anymore. I don’t think I can truly praise you anymore, God. Because I don’t believe the words I’m saying. I’m not totally convinced that I love you this much that im willing to dedicate my life to you. and really believe you are worthy of all this praise when i feel so betrayed.

but, i need to go work on my homework now.

but at least i do feel a little better after writing this.

real quick before i forget,

To Amanda-

hey amanda. honestly, a part of me is glad that you decided to break up with johnathan bc it had such a negative impact on me. i felt like i had been replaced by him. you were always hanging out with him and i now know that it was actually just exhausting for you to be that social but i felt hurt. i always just gave you your space when you needed it and chalked that off to your personality and believed you wouldnt take the time to hangout with anyone multiple times a week or anything. but then i saw and heard about you hanging out with johnathan constantly and it made me feel like i had been replaced and i just wasnt worth hanging out with. i didnt give you enough for you to want to hangout with me more. i wasnt worth it but he was. all of a sudden, it seemed like you and him were really close and you didnt need me anymore.

and i know you generally dont reach out for help and hermit unless prompted but. i felt like i lost you. and because of that, i distanced myself from you and even when i was going through tough things, i didnt always tell you anymore.

but i never told you that this was how i felt bc i didnt want you to break up with him bc of how i felt. bc i didnt know if i didnt want you guys together bc i saw the negative effects it was having on you or bc i just felt upset about losing you specifically myself.

this is actually how i felt before with jason and angela too. i wanted to tell jason that i didnt think their relationship would last and it was a bad idea but i wasnt sure if i wanted to tell him that bc i liked jason or bc i genuinely cared for them both and didnt think it was a good idea. so i didnt say anything at all.

and they ended up breaking up anyway.

and the same for you.

even though i didnt say anything, you guys ended up breaking up anyway. which i kinda thought might happen.

and i dont know if it was right of me to stay shut or if i shouldve spoken up but this is how i feel. and i didnt want to say anything until after you guys had officially broken up.

but im sorry.

i also feel like it shifted our dynamics and changed a lot. like tbh, i was salty towards you indirectly about jasons graduation. bc i know jason was close to johnathan and pjosh. but i knew you guys were never that close. i was more hurt that i wasnt invited but you were out of proxy of being johnathan’s girlfriend bc i knew jason and i were closer than you and him. and yet, he invited you instead of me.

and i was hurt.

#prayer

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qozboz · 2 years

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i dont want to be alive i dont want to be in this house i dont want to be around anyone even the people i love so much stress me out to the point i cant make myself leave this room, open those curtains, make even a sound, just let them believe im still asleep. i remember too much. every word they shout at each other over the family group chat just destroys my hope for a good day. i want to be happy. real happy. not fake happy. but i really dont think i ever will be . i know thats how life should be, living through struggles, surviving. but i cant hold in the pain of my mind. i believe that i will be physically harmed when ANYONE raises their voice, slams a door, stomps around, moves too fast. every . single . second . of my life . has been spent in a blinding fight or flight. i cant express a word. they never seem to really understand. i am not supposed to be alive. i have no survival skills. i cant take care of myself. i cant clean properly. i cant cook. i cant stand being around anything. i want to be suspended in a white space, not a word not a thought not a breath. i am so scared of my friends. i love them so much. but i am so scared of everyone around me. every moment i have to hold in animal like reactions. theyll shame me for being so apprehensive. im scared the man will harm me. he seems to lash out constantly. he fights with my mom. i dont want him to turn into my dad. i cant do it again. i cant survive it again. i can hardly make it through a week without moments of pure fear, the urge to fight back against something thats no longer there . i am not valid. i am not real . i am afraid. i am exhausted. i do not want to be alive. i do not deserve to be alive. i simply want to k¡ll myself in the silence of the night . desperately trying to lighten the mood, desperately trying to be everyones friend, i dont think they want ME as their friend. they want someone better. im scared every single friendship is based on pity. im doubling up on my meds, i dont feel any better. why wont it work anymore. i want it to end. all of me . gone . and im scared that if i ever tell anyone exactly how i feel, they might yell at me. they might hit me. i know im not smart. i know im not reasonable. they want me to get better. but im only getting worse. how do i express the fact that im scared of everything and i really genuinely cant take it anymore. theres too much in my mind. i feel like i am going to explode. im so stressed it makes my body shut down. only thing im good at is sleeping. just cull me. im no good. nobody will ever manage to convince me otherwise. try all you want. i cant believe you. not for a second. you cant just paint over the picture he built of me. he convinced i am a rotten, no good child, worthless, useless, fat and stupid. i want to be 75 pounds and dying. then ill have a purpose to try to be happy again. because i can finally, finally see the light at the end of the tunnel. but right now i am doused in darkness. everything i touch is like a sharp razor to my fingertips. i want to burrow deep into the earth. i dont want anyone to see me. i dont want anyone to hear me. i just want to cease my existence. its all i have ever wanted .

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thelifetimechannel · 6 years

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#tlcstuck #dirk strider #dave strider #walkaround 3 #some bits of writing this one were indirectly autobiographical lmao

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amourete-blog1 · 7 years

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(( and THIS is the log i actually fell asleep during. sorry tae. it seems like it ends abruptly and that’s bc the last message is one i actually sent when i woke up the next day and it was ungodly early in tae’s time zone. this happened during feli’s visit w clams.

tagging: @brackishbarracuda @vvicissitudo @9hosis and i should be tagging the rest of the muses here but, all the muns have been tagged at least, so let’s leave it there for simplicity’s sake?

this log goes over pretty much everything that happened so here’s an advance warning for: amputation, serious violence, child harm.

begin log:

Last Friday at 8:26 PM

amourete I know your AI or whatever robot bullshit is on right now, I don't know if you'll ever get this, but just... Come home soon. Please. I don't know why you left and I trust you to make decisions like that for yourself, but Clams is here and ready to fight for you and your home and I'm here with him, everyone's worried. I hope you're safe. I hope you're well. I love you. Yesterday at 4:35 AM

brackishbarracuda felide ?

amourete Oh my god it's you You're safe??

brackishbarracuda yeah im im safe im ha i was gonna say im alright but thats but no im okay im safe

amourete Okay. That's a start, isn't it? We can build on that.

brackishbarracuda fuck fel i didnt mean for any a this

amourete Did you think I assumed you did?

brackishbarracuda im ready for the worst from literally everybody right now especially from you

amourete You're not a weapon, Meenah. You're not borne of mindless violence and you don't break everything you touch. You're an angel, with all their destructive power when you choose, but there is still a choice involved. You know your anger. You know the blood you carry. You know what you can do because you've seen it a thousand times. I knew you wouldn't have done this without a *very* good reason. I just don't know what it is. I want to hear it from you.

brackishbarracuda aya was burnt my youngest the one with the fever

amourete Burnt?

brackishbarracuda im saury words are really fucky right now i got a message that said ayad been burnt after id left her with cho

brackishbarracuda she was screaming when i got there i ?? panicked is the only fucking word for it

amourete Do you remember what happened?

brackishbarracuda there was a knife and i fought sal and cho was holdin her she was already blistering i she was so loud fel i lunged and i took chos arm and if were done isle understand

amourete We're not done. Don't give up on me. Please. That's the last thing I want.

amourete Where is Aya? How bad are her burns? Was it fire, a stove?

brackishbarracuda give up on you felide i maimed your club im shes where i am shes bein taken care of theyre psi burns

amourete I know what you did but god damnit I've dated *both* of you for the same amount of time and I'm not leaving you to fucking burn if there's *something* we can salvage from this. I love you. I love them. This is only a point of no return if we make it so and I REFUSE to make it so.

brackishbarracuda felide i need a minute

amourete Take every minute you need. I'll be here. I always will be.

brackishbarracuda im here do you have uh questions

amourete A lot. Do you know what's going on here at home?

brackishbarracuda isle do the best i can youre with clams hes armored up

brackishbarracuda there will be no world in which i can thank you enough for lookin out for him

amourete And Cho and Sal? Vis? What do you know about them right now?

brackishbarracuda nothing

amourete Oh, good. I had been afraid someone angrier than me had gotten to you first.

amourete Cho is with Nicco. Lucy says he's a skilled medic - I believe her. They're alive, but injured. I don't think I need to tell you that. Lucy said Cho is asleep. Clams says they're compatose. I don't know which is true, I haven't had the time to find out. Either way, they're unavailable.

brackishbarracuda im buyin them a new one if theyll let me it aint gonna make anything right but i dont know what else to do

amourete Clams said something about Sal malfunctioning? I... don't know what's going on. I don't know where he is. I'm scared to find out. I can't stand talking to the fucking AIs for too long because it freaks me out not talking to them, but seeing their names. I'll... deal But not now. Vis is with Vici. He's scared out of his mind. Vici says he's been trying to distract Vis from thinking about what happened because every time he does, it's... bad. But he's physically safe, physically unharmed. Because of all these things, you are the first and currently the *only* one who was there, bore witness and knows what happened. Whatever you know, write it down. Tell me, tell Clams, I don't care, *write it down.* As honestly as you can.

brackishbarracuda im telling everybody you clams tuna arlequin kan my kid was hurt and i fucked up

amourete I know. I know you want to make it right - we're going to work on that, but with Cho out of commission right now, we can't. You need a record you can come back to, something reliable to remind you of what you saw and heard and did.

amourete You know right now, but my worry is that it will be less fresh in your mind as time goes on... You were afraid. You panicked. Those memories don't last long.

amourete Hey, baby?

brackishbarracuda y yeah yes

amourete Thank you for not running from this. Thank you for facing it. I know it took time. I'm glad you did it.

brackishbarracuda where did you come from i mean not that fuck

amourete Try again. :PP

brackishbarracuda i feel more selfish than i have in a long time telling you this like i have any right to it but i love you

amourete I love you too. That's why I'm here. I'm not giving up on you, so don't give up on me. We're going to make it through this. We'll find a way. I don't know what the future holds, but we're going to face it and come out okay on the other side. All of us.

amourete I'm upset that this happened. I'm worried. Cho is hurt, and I love them. I've been angry and frustrated, but those aren't directed at you: right now what I feel most of all is concern, for everyone.

brackishbarracuda howd a troll with a heart that big get hatched

amourete With a tail, apparently. :PP

brackishbarracuda so thats where all the extra patience wnt

brackishbarracuda went fuck

amourete :** I know you didn't mean to do this. I know you better than that. Yes, though, it still hurt... And I'm not one of the ones most hurt either. You know this. I know you do. You already know the weight of this, I don't need to tell you. I want to support you doing what you can to try to make this right. Right now, I'm just glad you're okay. When Cho is here, we can figure out everything else.

brackishbarracuda how many times am i gonna cry tonight fuck

amourete Too many.

brackishbarracuda naut enough

amourete When are you coming home?

brackishbarracuda not yet i dont know not for a few days at least the last thing i want is targets on yalls back for this im uh im at dirks btw

amourete I've lived hundreds of sweeps with a target on my back. No troll alive could kill me in my first life, and no one will in this life either.

amourete Stay there as long as you need. I just wanted to know - I won't tell anyone but your partners, should they ask. And Mituna. For anyone else, they'll have to ask you.

brackishbarracuda thank you i have done nothin in my life to deserve you

amourete You can keep telling yourself that, or you can do something about it. Now you're coming up to a chance to do just that. Make me proud. I love you. I want you to know that. I love you so much.

brackishbarracuda fuck fel

brackishbarracuda its its down

amourete It's down?

brackishbarracuda what happened

brackishbarracuda all that i can remember

amourete You actually did it. Fuck. I didn't think you would. :'33

brackishbarracuda you asked me to what else was i gonna do

amourete Anything else? I'm still just so... Out of it. God.

brackishbarracuda if you if you wake up tomorrow and realize im unforgiveable isle understand

amourete Baby, no...

amourete Listen. I'm not the one to make that decision. You never struck me. Seek forgiveness from them first, when you can.

brackishbarracuda why arent you pissed at me

amourete Because being angry at you would do nothing but drive a wedge between us.

#ooc post #/#//#///#////#log archives #plot: justified #child harm ment /#amputation ment /

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sloblesbian · 7 years

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my grandma called & we keep missing each other now & its driving me up a wall. i shouldve picked up while i was driving

actually. my dr appt was this morning & it was..... alright. it was fairly long? how long do these things usually last. it was like an hour. it was like... just a regular physical so there wasnt really anything... idk. she said my blood pressure was good which is quite frankly great bc usually when i go im so nervous that it affects me but like.. idk. deep breaths, pretended i was on a rowboat...

she did talk about like. anxiety stuff which i didnt want to talk about, not really, but matt told me to say yes because if i want to talk about it eventually theyll be like “why did you say no” or whatever. i dont know i think theyre always trying to trick me. it just... feel like really fake whenever i talk about it with strangers, like they don’t get it. i’m not nervous about social interactions, usually, i mean i hate talking to anyone professional because i dont understand how those work. and i mentioned that i didnt get my license until i was 24 & she’s like oh because you were worried about all the things that could go wrong & i said yes but that wasnt really it i was just convinced that i would use my new found ability to operate a motor vehicle to like, purposely harm myself or something lol..... like. i don’t have anxiety that makes sense. being afraid to drive, or talk to someone, that makes sense, and i have it sometimes but it’s easily conquerable. i have incredibly irrational fears like. suddenly convinced that if i get out of my car something bad is going to happen so instead i drive home. im Terrified of phone calls. (i guess this makes sense, though. i have bad audio processing so if i cant see someone i have a hard time figuring out what theyre saying, and i like... dont... understand the protocol for phone calls..) (actually i think a lot of my anxiety is that i am probably autistic and dont know how things operate but who knows, certainly not me). of course whenever i try to think of examples i can’t think of any. she recommended i talk to the counselors & i know where they are and i guess.. i could do that. maybe ill make an appt when i go back for blood work (aaaaa) on monday. but idk. i dont really want to talk to someone about my problems. i think that talking about them won’t really help. i didn’t bring up like..... any of my other problems. i feel like i am basically all problems and most of them are just. im afraid of sharing things with other people to the point where im very, very duplicitous. i have really bad anger problems....

also right before the appointment i started feeling like. incredibly bad about my body. i mean she didnt tell me my weight i didnt even have to ask lol..... its over 200 i know but besides that. but just... i always feel so judged by strangers like. i know im Ugly. im fat and my face is very crooked and im So Hairy. im ok with it & im not worried about my friends & whatever like... they know im weird and gross. i dont know why i think that someone else is going to look at my weird body and make me feel bad. well i mean i actually do know, it’s because it has happened, not with doctors, but with lots of other people, my entire life. wild.

im ok i guess. typically its the blood work which does me in because..... theres nothing inside my body actually its empty and i hate knowing theres anything that contradicts that. but we’ll see monday.

#diary tag #medical ///// i went to the drs

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teddy-feathers · 7 years

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My best friend says she likes to check my blog because I’m “enthusiastic”.

I don’t feel enthusiastic most of the time.

Hell I’m whiney and pessimistic and constantly worried or upset or… Having the energy for just everyday life sucked out of me by the vaccum of suck.

You know when youre a kid and you’re all asking eachother “is the glass half empty or half full?” like its some wonderful secret no one else knows? My answer was usually “its empty because i drank it.” and my friend slade called me an optimistic pessimist.

Optimistic Pessimist - Avoidant Dependent. Masochistic but hates pain. Symptoms of anxiety and depression.

And thats pretty common actually. These lovely, terrible counterbalance of extremes.

I don’t like being upset - so I over caffinate, try to keep a sugar high going… But I also enjoy wallowing and being allowed to feel like utter shit.

I cant talk to people.

Akward hesitant dont know what I’m talking about have to have scripts. Hate akward small talk prefer books to people you do your thing I’ll do my thing everyones happy dont touch me just leave me the fuck alone i dont just cant right now okay?

But I’m also constantly talking, about anything or nothing. I love your hair clothes shoes make up personaily god your just so fabulous and talentend and i love talking to you and hearing what you have to say please tell me all of your headcannoms and ideas and just lets stay up all night bsing over literally nothing until my throat is dry.

I was raised to think like a jaded sarcastic cynic. But I’m also idealistic as hell to the point my dad gets mad over how “naive” I am.

I’ll tell you and believe and understand how aweful people can be, figure out how theyll cheat you hurt you hate eachother - “how can a mother do that to their child” i know. I know and im afraid of what knowing and understanding will make of me because it comes so easy.

… But in the end I believe in people. I believe in you. Admire. Little shine to you. The whole nine yards.

I cant fix shit. But I can do what i can when i can. Regret when i cant or dont…

Overtipping for services not rendered means I cant afford shit… Ive got by with less and knowing I helped a little make someone a bit happier… A bit of relief from that tight worry in your chest….

I can be incredibly selfish but I’m trying.

Nothing I do really matters to anyone.

It wont make a lasting impact. It wont change the world. Hell might do more harm than good. Really wont make a difference to anyone.

But thats okay. Trying makes a difference to me.

Trying to smile like I mean it. Talking to people like I care about the weather despite having this same conversation ten times together. Bouncing. Being devoutly more excited about work I dont want to do or care about when Id rather be in bed fading into non exsistance…

I hate it. Its exhausting. Its who I am. Because everything sucks and Id rather be hyped about it then morose.

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sharksfood · 7 years

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tbh most of this i have been thinking about for a while but i havent been able to form into words and im afraid its actually a really mean thing, but ive accidentally latched onto someone else’s nihilism and self deprecation just now so this may come off worse than i intended it to sound.

so ive always feel unease and fear and anxiety when in public ever since the end of elementary school, but being with friends lessens this feeling somewhat. i always feel like everyone is looking at me and judging me and gossiping about me, and although i say i dont care what other people think of me and i prefer to do my own thing, my brain is always telling me to conform and impress others because if i dont then they will hate me and say hurtful things about me, and this goes for strangers to loved ones, even on the internet. because its so much worse than before i think theres something seriously wrong with me.

however, this year i think its gotten worse, to the point where i start to pick up on peoples’ conversations and for some god damn reason i think they are talking about me, and if not about me specifically they are talking about something related to my identity or something i enjoy and i always think they are saying negative things. its never good. so i think this and then i automatically want to protect myself and back up my hobbies or whatever but i also want to hide in a hole and scrape away all the negative parts of myself so that i’ll be exactly what they want from me. if someone mentions they dont like something that i love then i hate myself for liking that thing.

ill give some examples.

one that has been happening the most is im sitting in class and not listening to music, im just working and i can hear the other students talking around me. i can hear one conversation at the other end of the table, but i cant exactly make you what they are saying. i do hear them laugh or say “oooh” in a condescending tone. i automatically think they are talking about me. what about me? is my makeup smeared? did they see the stickers on my laptop and its something they hate? did i forget deodorant today? no. oh god, did they see my godzilla meme on tumblr and havent realized thats me?? maybe they know its me. shit, i talked to one of them earlier today.... maybe they are talking about that and how stupid i looked or when i mispronounced the word “gouache” or when i snorted while laughing? did they see me at lunch laughing at my phone??? WHAT DID I DO

and if they are not talking then i think they are looking at me. and this has happened. i see people staring at me and i dont do anything about them because if i call them out on it theyll act like im the one at fault, and maybe i am at fault?

another example, and the specifics dont really matter but its just the scenario that happens a lot, i was going through my instagram once and Suzy (of game grumps and kitty kat gaming) had posted some artwork based on Alice in Wonderland. of course i was excited and it was really cool!!! so i liked it and started reading her caption, and in it she explained how much she loves the books and all that. she also said that she HATES the tim burton alice films. i dont remember why she hates them, but that doesnt matter. I love anything Alice in Wonderland, and those films are especially important to me. so i was heartbroken. and then i started thinking, oh god, maybe i shouldnt like those movies. i mean, wouldnt a real alice in wonderland fan only like the original works? and this is Suzy, shes somewhat famous! if i ever met her she’d know right away that i like the tim burton alice movies and then she would hate me! id want to talk to her about alice in wonderland and she would tell me i cant be an alice fan because i like the tim burton movies!!!

and then i cried a lot. what sucks is that i know most of that isnt true. and just because i like something doesnt mean someone who dislikes that thing will hate me. and it doesnt matter if this person is famous, they’re just a person! i know its all irrational thinking but in the moment, and even now, i still feel like it matters. it freaks me out and makes me all kinds of sad and then i start overthinking myself.

the last example is one that keeps me up at night, and i still think im a horrible person because of this. i finally confided in a good friend about something that most people would think is not a big deal, and it really isn’t, but my build up to the confession made it seem all the more important. when i told this to my friend, they had a negative reaction, not over the top of anything, more of a “oh, thats kinda weird.” or “really?” i didnt expect them to be over the moon about it, and in my mind their reaction was 10x worse. now i regret ever telling them this information, because now i think they think of me differently, like im a bad person. realistically they probably have forgotten about it, and i really hope so, but in my mind its something that now sticks out of me like a sore thumb. now, anything i say or do is tarnished. and i will never tell anyone.

what i confessed is nothing serious. i didnt kill someone, i dont believe in a horrible moral or notion, its nothing like that. but in my mind it is one of the most shameful things possible. and i worry that maybe i am a horrible person! but i cant tell anyone without going through the same feelings of shame all over again. the good news is that the info i confessed to my friend may not be the same, i think it has lessened over time. but im scared to revisit the source.

anyways, what im really trying to get at here is that i dont feel comfortable in public and i hate it. i hate constantly feeling stressed and judged and laughed at, and ill never know if its true or just my brain. because im hyperempathetic, i feel people’s negative emotions tenfold, and because my self confidence and self worth is so low, those negative emotions become about me. and then my anxiety make this a constant occurrence that is boiled in my brain over and over again.

this is a big reason why i spend so much time alone and why i lack the energy to socialize with people. this is the reason why i distance myself from others when im having a rough day or my mental shit is worse than usual. this is why its hard for me to make friends. i hate it.

now i dont really know why i made this post. maybe someone knows why i think like this?

#negative -#do/nt/ re/bl/og/ please

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10071991 · 5 years

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Lynn: