#and i cant even sit down for certain periods of time anymore without my body turning against me but thats a whole 'nother thing

[skynecraft]

I really wish art was something I enjoyed doing like it used to be 😔

[svtmatokis]

Hello! I fell in love with your work and I was wondering if I could get a story where Vernon helps you study your med school notes or something? Thank you sm!!!

Hi!! Sorry it took so long but there were so many directions I could’ve taken this in. I hope you enjoy it and if it was what you wanted ^_^

Pairing: Reader x Vernon

Genre: Fluff

Words: 1912

“ I REALLY cant go out today.” you said into your phone while walking to your dorm room..

“Y/N come on!!! It’s the final party before finals! You HAVE to go!” the boy on the other line said in a whining tone and you sighed.

“Finals are  the reason why, I can’t go out tonight. I need to study, med school doesn’t pay for itself you know.” you said as the boy on the other line snickered.

“It does for me.”

His statement caused you to roll your eyes, “Well considering your father is the director of the university hospital…anyways I can’t go out tonight. My first exam is the day after tomorrow and I need to study and finalize my notes.””

The boy sighed on the other side but you noticed it sounded more exhausted than frustrated., “Fine…Where are you now?”

“Just about to get back to….my…” your hand which was holding the phone dropped to the side as you stared the person standing by your room door.

“Vernon?”

Vernon looked at you with a nod of his head and hung up the phone. “Let’s go.”

You and Vernon met on the first day of Medical School and were assigned to the same lab group. Many tried to befriend him to get on the directors good side and Vernon was well aware of that.  It was the main reason why Vernon kept his friend circle tight and you were one of the lucky ones.

You intrigued him with your professionalism and also the fact that you didn’t openly flirt with him like alot of the female med school population did. He liked that you were always striving to do you best and always ended up in the top 1 percentile only second to him.  It was a friendly competition the two of you had and to this day, he would only beat you by the slightest in marks

What he didn’t know was that you were working hard to keep up your grades. You had admitted to yourself long ago that you had crush on Vernon but never thought he’d feel the same way and never acted on your feelings.

“I told you, I can’t go out tonight-” you tried to explain while opening your door but he cut you off.

“I’m helping you study tonight Y/N.” he said stepping inside your room and made himself comfortable on your bed while looking at your exam calendar that you had on your wall. You were fortunate enough to not have a roommate and made good use of the space.

“You don’t have to Vernon….” you said as you put your things away and took out the books you needed to study.

“I know I don’t have to.” he chuckled, “But I want to. Come on, we have a long night ahead of us and I have several take out menu’s in my bag so you can choose what you want for dinner after.”

You smiled at him as he grinned at you, “Are you sure?”

“Sure that I want Chinese tonight? I was thinking more fried chicken…” he said pretending to not know what you were talking about making you roll your eyes.

“The party Vernon, I know it’s the biggest one before finals..”

“And you’re right, finals are important so let’s get the books cracking young lady.” he said taking your closest textbook and handed it to you finally making you give in.

For the next few hours you and Vernon sat on your bed as he helped you review your notes for each class. You were well aware of how close your bodies were getting as you readjusted yourselves to get more comfortable. In the end, you were sitting between his legs as he quizzed you over your shoulder. His breath tickling your ear as he spoke and you could almost feel the brush of his lips on your cheek. You tried not to blush at the almost contact and focussed on your notes.

“Okay, I need a break!” you said lying down as your shirt rode up exposing your mid drift.

Vernon watched as you stretched with a small smile. He knew you were ready for finals and despite lacking the confidence there was no doubt that you’d do well. He looked at his phone to check the time and agreed. It was about time for dinner anyways.

“Are you hungry?” he asked and at the same time your stomach growled causing the two of you to giggle.

“I guess we have our answer.” you said as you held your hands up towards him. “Can you pull me up? I worked out yesterday and I’m still sore.”

Vernon grabbed your hand and pulled you towards him so your faces were only inches apart.

“Thank you,” you said almost breathless from the force of the pull. Your small hand remained pinned under his much larger one behind him but you didn’t bother to try to pull away.

He smirked at you and brought his face closer to yours and tilted his head so your lips almost met. You could feel his breath brush against your lips and if either if you had moved a mere centimeter, your lips would have touched.

“No problem” he whispered before releasing your hand and you pulled away trying to calm your heart, that was threatening to jump out of your chest.

“So…what should we order?” you asked as you hid your face behind the menus so he couldnt see your face.

“Mmmm, I was thinking fried chicken…but if you want something else-” he started saying but you cut him off.

“No fried chicken’s fine” you said looking through the menu. After ordering the food, you went back to reviewing your notes as you continued to calm your beating heart as Vernon went through the various messages he got from his friends who were all at the party.

He looked down at you and smiled, even if his friends were having a blast without him, he was happy that you agreed to let him help you study.  He knew the day would come where he was going to tell you his feelings but also took into consideration that this was your hardest year and the labs and homework came first. As the years went on, Vernon was starting to realize that he was seeing less and less of you. He knew that you were volunteering part time at a local hospital to build up your repertoire and between that and school, you barely had time to meet up with your own friends and he was almost sure that if it weren’t for your best friend Eunwoo; who secretly updated Vernon of your whereabouts from time to time, you would forget to eat.

Once the food arrived, the books were put away and you turned on a movie while the two of you ate in silence till all the food was gone. The movie continued playing and the two of you made yourselves comfortable on your bed promising to get back to the books once it was over.

The weight on Vernon’s shoulder told him otherwise.He looked at you from the corner of his eye and chuckled softly.

“Typical Y/N”

He moved his arm so that it was now wrapped around your shoulder and he gently moved your head so that it was placed in a more comfortable position on his chest.  He decided that he would finish the movie first and then decide what to do after, plus you had studied so hard and deserved the rest and he couldn’t find it in his heart to wake you.

A few hours later, Vernon was getting ready to leave after he tucked you into bed. He found sleeping you so cute that he turned on another movie to savor the moment of having your head on his chest. He tidied around your room before finally picking up his backpack. Leaning down to kiss your forehead he whispered, “I’ll see you after finals are over.”

He knew that once you woke up tomorrow, you’d be on lock down and probably wouldn’t do anything until your last test was done. He was the same way and was preparing for the ones he had himself. He made a mental note to text Eunwoo tomorrow to make sure that you had something to eat or may he would drop by with lunch…yea maybe he’d do that..

Vernon was right though, outside of his and Eunwoo’s periodic drop bys to your room with food and in Vernon’s case, to study more. You did not leave your room willingly until a week later when your last exam was done.

A few weeks later, the results were posted and you fought your way through the crowd of people to see what your marks were.You had a feeling you didn’t do too well this time around, having lost a lot of sleep thinking of a certain Hospital Director’s son and what not but you had to at least done decently right?

As you got to the front, people turned to look at you with shocked faces while others started whispering. Looking up at the results, your jaw dropped.

“Congratulations. I knew you’d do well.” a voice said behind you causing you to whip around and there was Vernon holding a bouquet of flowers in one hand while wearing a smirk on his face.

He took a step towards you, “I was going to wait till after grad…but I really don’t think I can wait that long anymore…” he cleared his throat as he noticed that people had formed a circle around the two of you, “You are one of the hardest working people I know and I know how important becoming a doctor is for you and I had no doubt that you’d top the class this year. My dad even called it when he saw your lab reports but I didn’t believe him until now.”

Vernon looked down, it was now or never. Looking back up at you, his eyes were filled with hope and you couldn’t help but feel the same way. Did this mean…Was he saying what you thought he was going to say?

“I didn’t want to ask you then because I knew we weren’t ready. But I really really can’t wait anymore Y/N. Put me out of my misery, stitch up my heart and be mine….please?”

The next thing you knew, your arms were around his neck holding him tightly as he lifted you off the ground and spun you around as howls from whom you assumed were from Vernon’s friends were heard off in the distance.

Once he put you down you both let out a breath.

“So is that a yes?” he asked and you nodded making him grin.

“Good, cause then I can do this and not care that anyones looking.” he said leaning down and gently placed his lips on yours and suddenly the world melted away and you actually felt like the stress of exams were finally worth it.

You were in the arms of a man who would mend you up whenever you were down and burnt out but he was also the man who would be your rock throughout your career and sure, things wouldn’t be perfect but you wouldn’t want another doctor taking care of you either way.

-Anna

[the-scottish-costume-guy]

My Trans Story

Story of my social and medical transition under the cut, I know its not trans day of visibility anymore but consider this a belated contribution. I hope it helps anyone who’s questioning, or even anyone whos curious about the experience. This is very long and has some mention of dysphoria, abuse, bullying but also has a happy ending so thats your warning:

The earliest I remember giving any indication of being trans was at five or six years old on my way to primary school with my mother (who I will mention was a fairly good mother at the time - this will be relevant later). I turned to her in my little green and white uniform dress and said “I’m a boy, aren’t I mum?” I’m not sure what prompted the question really curiosity maybe but my mother laughed it off - something I dont blame her for, kids say silly things all the time. I wouldn’t say I was a super boyish kid. Yeah I liked a bit of rough and tumble play, I was into pokemon cards, then yu-gi-oh, beyblades - which were all considered “boy” things when I was at school. I liked to play british bulldog and tag, and as I got older I’d get into Warhammer, Dungeons and Dragons, The elder scrolls and other nerdy things which are seen as more unisex now but again in the time were considered “boy” interests. But I liked having long blond hair, and I was curious about make-up. I liked to bake and sew and weave, and as a child I even enjoyed knitting. I cried easily and got hurt often - I was accused of attention seeking through most of my childhood though even looking at myself critically I can only ever remember wanting validation. When I was hurt, when I’d achieved something I was proud of - my motivations were called into question when I sought out help or interest. I remember being heartbroken when art I’d worked on was dismissed or I was told the bad bruise I’d gotten was nothing to be upset over and to stop seeking attention. It set me on a path of questioning everything I did and why I did it.

Unfortunately I have a lot of memory gaps in the lead up to high school and through much of school.

Fairly early on in school though I came out as bisexual. Honestly I think a part of me was threatened by cis guys masculinity and that drove me to women. I had a fairly even number of girlfriends and boyfriends. One relationship the boy I was with implied being ready to try sex and we ended up breaking up not long after when I distanced myself. I didn’t know how to explain the discomfort with my own body that I didnt even understand. How I didn’t want to be touched in certain places or do certain things. I felt like a freak.

It didn’t help that I was already bullied pretty much from the get go in highschool, from age 11 I did have many friends and there were periods where I had none. I was bullied for my hair, for not having friends, for being gay, for being depressed. Hell sometimes I was bullied for being bullied - high school is weird. 

I was also... “bullied” by a “friend” who would hit me, talk down to me, at times wouldn’t let me sit on furniture. Once she choked me to the point of passing out among other things. Somehow I was still convinced she must like me on some level - why else would she hang out with me? I wish I’d known better. She introduced me to the concept of being transgender but not in a way I identified with. She told me about a documentary of “Boy becoming girls and girls becoming boys.” she told me “The girls that become boys are always still pretty, you can tell they were girls. But the boys that become girls, you cant tell they were boys they just look like ugly girls.” I imagine shes less ignorant now but its stuck with me.

Eventually around age 16 Two trans people spoke at my school. They talked about how they always felt different, things they’d disliked about themselves - the relief of coming out. I understood completely but my brief excitement was dashed by their talking about harassment and fear. I wrote my email address on a slip of paper and ‘please help’ which I put in the box they were collecting at the back of the room for any questioning youth. They never emailed me. I made an appointment with my doctor.

I actually begged my doctor to fix me, and he referred me to a GIC (Gender Identity Clinic) in Edinburgh. It took a full year to actually be seen there. I told some of my close friends about my concerns and confusion, and came out as genderfluid. I used a random R based male name to try and settle - knowing that as it was fandom related I’d change it later. When I spoke to the specialist at the GIC, I came out as a Trans Man, I felt validated. I came out to my family not long after and it was not well received. My cousin (who had spent every summer with us for as long as I could remember and I viewed like a sibling) died when I was 14. My godmother (his mother) died a year after. Within the ten years since my cousins death, he, my uncle on my mothers side, my great grandfather, my godmother, my gran and my grandad have all passed away. When I came out to my dad he begged me not to put more strain on our family. My mother turned to drink when I was only 14 and had worsened becoming more and more abusive as time went on. I’d had mental and physical health issues since the age of 8 and my experiences were being written off. My mother got worse, and I ended up being her full time carer for a few years. She was abusive, she hit me, she destroyed my things, she wrote on the walls and threatened me with knives. When a letter for my third GIC appointment came, (the appointment that would have gotten me hormones) I highly suspect it was my mother that destroyed it. I didn’t even know I’d been dropped from the list until six months later when I called to ask when my next appointment would be. I’d apparently missed it and for that reason they’d silently, without fuss, taken me off their active patients list. I was upset but handling my mother was enough strain for me not to fight my case for another few years. I went to attempt college for a second time in 2015 - nearly six years after I first came out, and four after my first GIC appointment. I called my best friend over to my house, and together we sighed 15 deedpolls changing my name and title legally. I contacted the clinic and got another appointment for that September. The doctor wanted longer - more appointments to get to know me, but after hearing I’d already had two with another doctor, had waited four years, had told the story I’ve told you now - she told me she wanted to get me on hormones for christmas. She rearranged her schedule and had me come in on december 9th, four days later I had my first doze of testosterone. I didn’t tell my father that I’d started hormones but I had told him prior that I was going to soon. My dad continued not to accept me, as did one of my tutors at college. I kept my head down and muscled through. I’d become so used to not passing that only 4 years later, when Im passing easily and consistently, its both a shock and yet somehow feels like its always been the case. I had top surgery on October 23rd 2017. To my surprise, my father came to the hospital. He’d said he wouldnt visit, but made the 4 hour drive anyway. Last summer, he started introducing my as his son to strangers. He started inviting me out for drinks with him and my brother. He treated me how I had always wanted. Sure he still drops the feminine endearments in - but I’m not going to fault him that. Everyone I meet assumes Im cis until I tell them otherwise. I was finally comfortable enough in 2017 to come out as gay, and I’m now engaged to my wonderful Fiance who is just beginning his own transition journey. My point? It gets better is a tired phrase that feels worn out by use. And no my life isn’t perfect but dysphoria and lack of love is definitely not the problem. Years ago I felt I’d never pass, I told people as much. I thought I was ugly, and unlovable. Now I like how I look, I Know i pass because people call me “sir” “Mr” ect. One of the tutors for the university I applied to was excited to “finally have a man in the class.” 

The journey is long, and at no point can you see the end of it. Eventually you just look back and see how far you’ve come. Stay strong. 

[darkgreiga]

Wishes, Dreams, and Memories Chapter 31

Fandom: Rune Factory 4 Rating: T (to be safe) Genre(s): Adventure, Hurt/Comfort Characters: Lest, Dolce, Pico, Amber, Dylas, Leon, Frey, Arthur, Margaret, Forte Summary:  She had a wish to see him again. He had a dream of her last moments. They had their memories of having only each other. The amnesiac Earthmate never knew that by bringing his best friend back wouldn’t make his daily life go back to normal. Nor did he know she was the key to his and his ancestors’ past. Chapters: list Navigation: <<prev   |   next>> Author’s notes: The first chapter of the last arc is here!

Chapter 31 – Calm after the Storm

-Lest’s POV-

After the battle, Kane managed to find us in the castle after he had gone to the cave to escort the Guardians out safely. Frey explained everything to us, about how the Guardian’s corruption could affect even Venti, and we also told everyone about our relation to Ethelberd and Halwell. The news was a surprise to them as much as it was a surprise to me. After all, we don’t even look like the Sechs emperors by the outside and inside.

Two weeks have passed since that day. I can’t tell whether the corruption is completely gone or not, but all I can tell is that Venti is doing a lot better than when the corruption was still at large. Frey isn’t staying in the castle with us anymore, but she still visits us at least once every two days. She still has duties to attend back in the capital, so she can’t stay longer than a few hours.

I’m starting to feel that she is a close sister to me, but on the other side I can still tell that she’s not telling us everything. None of the Guardians or Kane actually paid attention to Frey’s wound back then, expect for Dolly and Pico. She looked like she was aware of something about Frey, but for some reason, she’s keeping it from me. I can’t actually force her to talk about it, but the fact that she’s hiding something from me is bothering me somehow. Why can’t you just talk to me about it if it’s actually bothering you?

-Third Person POV-

“Sweetie, will you stop staring at me?” the sound of his wife snapped Lest out of his trains of thought, realizing that Dolce was standing in front of him.

“Oh, sorry,” Lest shook his head to make sure that he was completely awake before putting his hoe over his shoulder, “Well, I’ll be working in the fields for the time being so let Frey know when she drops by to visit.”

“I will,” Dolce nodded before giving him a peck on the cheek, “Work hard, okay?”

Dolce watched as Lest left for the fields before Pico popped in front of her, “Are you sure about this, Dolly? Shouldn’t you say something about it to him?”

“No,” Pico followed Dolce closely as the two of them headed for the kitchen, “I need to be certain about the facts first. What we’re thinking now is just the conclusion we come into after we looked at her wound.”

“You’re scared, aren’t you milady?” Pico’s words made the Guardian stop her activity, “You know how it feels to lose a family… well, both of us do.”

Dolce let out a sigh as she turned to Pico with a frown, “He’ll know the truth sooner or later. I don’t want him to think that I’m hiding everything from him.”

Pico let out a sigh and smiled, “I think you’re worrying too much, Dolly. A bit more than usual, I guess,” Pico watched her friend working in the kitchen, “I guess I can see how much your love for Lest had changed my Dolly!”

A blush appeared on the Guardian’s face as she continued cooking, “S-Shut up!”

Lest let out a tired sigh before he admired his handiwork on the field, which was completely clean of garbage from the storm two weeks earlier. Crop seeds were planted on the tilled field and they had already been watered. His job on the field was finished and it was time for him to do his work in town.

Just as Lest was putting down his tools at the edge of the field, a scroll fell out from his pocket. He picked up the fallen scroll and the emblem of the Sechs Empire was visible on the scroll’s paper. A frown came to his face as he remembered the scroll’s contents when it was first given to him.

-Flashback-

“So…” Lest spoke up to Arthur and Kane as the three of them were in Arthur’s office, “The empire is requesting me to be the acting emperor?”

“Yes,” Kane nodded as he rolled the scroll he was holding and handed it over to Lest, “Lord Halwell still hasn’t awakened after a week of recovery even after getting help from the best doctors.”

Arthur turned to Lest, “It would be sad to see you go, but I will not force you to go if you wish to stay.”

Lest turned back to Kane, but stared at him for a moment before speaking up, “I’m sorry, I can’t.”

“No, I understand,” Kane responded with a smile, “The higher ups only requested for you because of your relation to Lord Ethelberd, but they never forced me to take you back.”

“Speaking of which,” Arthur interrupted, getting Kane’s attention, “How is the empire doing currently?”

“Much better than when everyone was corrupted, that’s for sure,” Kane replied with a shrug, “Everyone remembers what happened, but they don’t really know why it happened. Other than that, the corruption in the empire seems to have disappeared without a trace.”

“I see,” Arthur nodded in understanding, “If there is anything else we can do to help, please let us know.”

“Of course,” Kane nodded, “My main purpose for coming here is to deliver the scroll, but I’ll tell the higher ups that you can’t take Lord Halwell’s place.”

“Okay, I’ll see you later,” Lest waved the soldier goodbye as he left the office.

-End of Flashback-

“The acting emperor?” Ventuswill asked as Lest showed her the scroll in the dragon room, “Hey, I guess I’m right about you being royalty after all!”

Lest let out a laugh, “Don’t be too proud on it, Venti. You need to remember who my father was.”

“I know,” Ventuswill paused for a moment as she stared at the wall, “Speaking of Ethelberd, I think I recall hearing something when I was still in the forest. I know that I recognize that voice, now I remember that it was him.”

“Wait,” Lest looked at the dragon god in surprise, “You met him in the Forest of Beginnings?”

“Not exactly meeting in person, though,” Ventuswill put her claw under her jaw as she tried recalling the encounter, “I can only hear his voice saying that he won’t surrender until all Earthmates perish.”

“Can he still be alive in there? And corrupting people into doing things they shouldn’t do?” Lest asked.

“No,  that won’t be possible,” Ventuswill shook her head, “Humans can’t stay and live in there for a long period of time. If a person stays there for longer than they should have, their body will soon break into runes. Even so, the soul would still remain in there forever unless there’s a special case that they’re resurrected.”

“Just like what happened to you,” Lest added, “But if his soul is still there, can he do any harm to the world?”

“Hm…” Ventuswill went back to her thoughts, but nothing came into her mind, “I’m not sure, but I think it’s very unlikely.”

“I hope so…” Lest let out a sigh, “This corruption thing just happens to come and go without a reason and a trace. I just wish that there’s a clue somewhere so that we can prevent it in the future…”

“And then, he ran around the house in panic while yelling that there was a deadly scorpion in the house!” Frey and Pico broke out into laughter while Dolce simply chuckled as she sipped on her tea.

The three girls were hanging around at the castle’s balcony with Frey telling stories about the siblings’ daily lives in the past. Two plates of flan were sitting on the table untouched as the three were busy talking. Pico was completely taken into the conversation, but Dolce had noticed that her guest hadn’t touched either her tea or her flan.

There was a single question she had been meaning to ask Frey and her observation prompted her to pop the question right away, “Before we hear more of those stories, there’s something I’ve been meaning to ask you.”

“Sure, we can talk while you have your flan,” Frey responded as she simply looked at her share of flan.

“Okay,” Dolce took her share of flan, but the scent of her favorite meal suddenly made her feel weird in the stomach, “Ugh…”

“Are you okay Dolly?” Pico saw as Dolce put a hand on her mouth before shaking her head.

“I’m fine…” Dolce uncovered her mouth before taking a spoonful of flan, only have the weird feeling on her stomach come back, “Not again…”

“Are you sure you’re okay?” Frey asked worriedly as she took the flan from Dolce’s hands, “You look kind of pale.”

“I’m… okay… ugh…” Dolce quickly rose from her seat and ran inside, heading straight towards the bathroom.

“Is she sick or something?” Frey turned to Pico.

“That would be my best guess…” Pico turned to the barely touched desserts, “Dolly really loves sweets like flan and cakes, but she’s been avoiding them for the past week for some reason.”

“Hm…” Frey tapped her chin as she was thinking, “I don’t think she’s suddenly become bored of eating her favorite dishes…”

“That’s impossible. There’s no way she’s going to give up on her all-you-can-eat cake routine every-” Pico was silenced with a single talisman landing over her mouth.

“You’re saying too much,” Dolce had just returned from the bathroom, but her face told the other two that she wasn’t feeling that much different than before, “Sorry for that interruption.”

“I don’t mind, but I don’t think you look well at all,” Frey replied worriedly, “I’ll tell Lest about your condition when I see him, so why don’t you two just stay home until he gets back?”

Dolce let out a defeated sigh, “That… might be the best…”

Lest let out a tired sigh as he pushed the castle door open while carrying an extra paper bag with him. With Dolce taking her temporary leave from her evening shift, he decided that it might be best for them to eat dinner at home to let her rest at home. With the ingredients in the paper bag put in the kitchen, Lest left for his room to check on Dolce.

Lest had expected the female Guardian to be asleep with Pico watching over her, the scene he saw was Dolce knitting on the bed with a terrified Pico at the edge of the bed, “I’m… home…?”

“Oh, welcome back Sweetie,” Dolce put her knitting aside and greeted Lest with a smile as she approached her, “How was work today?”

“More or less the usual, I guess…” Lest’s attention was focused on Pico as he let Dolce took his backpack off him, “More importantly, what happened to Pico?”

“Just a simple argument between us,” Dolce replied, completely ignoring the fact that Pico was still in the room, “Are you going to prepare dinner tonight?”

“Yeah,” Lest nodded, “I was planning to make your favorite cake today, so-”

“I want… something else, if that’s okay…” the attention of the other two in the room shifted to her, “I want… some fried veggies…”

The room became completely silent with Pico hovering in front of her with the look of disbelief, “Did I hear that right? Dolly, you never liked eating any kind of vegetables!”

“I’m kind of surprised too,” Lest added, “But if that’s what you want, I guess I need to head out to buy the missing ingredients…”

“Alright,” Dolce nodded, “Sorry for the trouble.”

The two watched as Lest left before Pico turned back to Dolce, “Are you sure you’re fine milady? Do you need Jones to check your condition?”

“I’m perfectly fine,” Dolce let out a sigh before she went back to her knitting, “You’re being a lot more stubborn today. Do you want to be wrapped in talismans again?”

“N-No, please don’t do that again to me!”

[tumblunni]

AAAAARGH I DIE

god, TMI time of the month post again fuck whoever built this nonfunctioning uterus that i never asked for like seriously doctors i’m fuckin trans and i’m not interested in having kids and IT DOESNT WORK AND IT KILLS ME why cant i get it surgery’d out...

okay so this period is EVEN WORSE than usual aaa cos its been like a year since i last failed to predict it its still painful but i can deal with the pain if i start taking my medicine immediately once i start spotting blood, before the pain starts but for the first time in ages i overslept and woke up already in Stage 2 Horror Time with blood all over my damn pants and the Pain Knives in my spinal cord and like GOD seriously i’m so mad cos i’ve been able to manage it for so long even WITH all my fail uterus’s inconsistancies! like sometimes it starts hurting before i even start bleeding, and its never the same amount of days in between cycles. I’ve been going on the 13th for a few months, then the 7th last month, now the 10th?? And this is after like TWO YEARS of having it on the 11th or 12th consistantly, so it always landed on my birthday. I had my first non crampy birthday in ages this october!

gahhhh and just seriously FUCK its so bad i get pain not just in my uterus area but also my digestive system and legs somehow?? like the bottom of my spine gets cramps and then i lose all feeling in my legs and literally cant even walk to the bathroom anymore its like that ‘periods are a mild labour’ factoid but remove the ‘mild’ and i get this symptom more than ANYTHING ELSE! the hip and back pain and the downward pain direction thing is the biggest pain of all the many pains, gahhh its its so embarassing and gross and hard to talk about cos it means Really Bad Connected Symptoms my digestion goes NUTS for a day! i don’t just gush blood but also get super nauseous and like... ‘hey lets evacuate everything you’ve ever eaten for the last two years somehow, and also 50% of your stomach acid’. Only consolation is that its usually more diarhohea than puking, but thats not much of a consolation cos its so much harder to talk about Shit Problems with your doctor, lol. Also makes the back pain even worrrrrrse! And i cant even tell when I’m about to have a diahrhea attack or when its just regular womb pain cos it covers my ENTIRE LOWER BODY SOMEHOW, like a DOUCHE

and just fuck AAAGH the worst part of waking up with the period already started is that it takes like two hours for medicine to get digested and start working, when this thing literally gives me digestion problems. I swear the pills digest way faster if i take them beforehand! so no matter what i’ve gotta sit and endure the screaming pain for that long. like its really so severe it seems like i’ve been stabbed in my spine! but i can’t even take the knife out, there’s no damn way to relieve this pain! like i’m only even able to vent this text post after almost the two hours is up, and its still really hurting so i guess its gonna take even longer today. or i should take extra pills to get over the bigger pain than usual? i even got the caffeine plus pills thatre supposed to digest faster! (plus the general lack of energy from screaming back death, i think i’ll be able to not have the no legs working bit this time)

and just GOD i havent had this so bad since high school when i was still living with my abusive dad and he ‘didnt believe in doctors’ and was like ‘every woman deals with this and they don’t complain’ but like THEY HAVE FUCKING MEDICINE, DAD imagine a very VERY young child dealing with 24 hour full-on false labour symptoms once a damn month, and how suicidal it’d make them feel! my dad would literally walk in on me screaming in a pile of my own puke in a cinema bathroom and just yell at me for ‘causing a scene’, like i somehow was able to fake this?? and why would i even want to?? ‘yeah sure wow i definately showed him, i made myself unable to watch the movie I wanted to see’ Somehow EVERYTHING I did was a conspiracy to make him lose money, in his eyes! Every symptom of me being developmentally challenged was just me faking, and even when i had a non-mental illness with clear proof right in front of him it was still fake. But oh, HE was able to be sick sometimes, yeah! and he got to go to the chiropractor for his back issues but NOOOOO they can’t be genetic and potentially act up on someone who has a lower body related thing that happens every month... fuck I was so happy when i finally managed to get to the doctor and they gave me birth control pills! even if i had to take them every day throughout the entire month and i had to fight against my dad telling me to not take my legally prescribed drugs and instead replace them with his horrible herbal remedies that made me puke and didnt work. I had to lie and pretend i was taking them, flushing one down the toilet everyday! and OH FUCK man i wish i could still take birth control tho. that was way better cos it actually stopped the period entirely, not just making it hurt less. like seriously ive just started my period and i put a pad on for like TWENTY MINUTES and it was soaked through! aspirin and ibuprofen and etc dont stop the excessively heavy bloodbath. But like apparantly the birth control i was on was bad for people over a certain weight threshhold, so when i left my dad and was able to see better doctors more often they changed me to a different one. And also diagnosed my depression and autism and thankfully finally got me some help for that! But then recently when i moved to this new house the pharmacy wasnt able to get a supply of that medicine cos its too far out in the middle of nowhere in a terrible neighbourhood. And i say ‘recently’ but i mean ‘three years ago’. So i’ve just been taking really big amounts of over the counter pain meds and probably wasting over a hundred bucks per year, yikes..

and AAAARGH it still fuckin hurts and its been like three hours now and i think its starting to hurt worse so the meds are wearing off i need to go take the next two and try and keep down a glass of water and a slice of bread without puking GahhHHHHHHHHHHhhh fuck

[angstymcspicy-blog]

22/05/20

1 year and 2 months. it took me 14 months before i broke all kinds of self defences and decided to seek refuge here. i love being at home, i really do. i dont have to force myself to talk to people, dont have to get tempted by food outside, dont have to exhaust my emotions, i dont have to put on makeup, i dont have to think of what to wear and regret it later for looking too fat and ugly, dont have to disappoint anyone and dont have to feel disappointed by anyone. 

but being at home starts to feel overwhelming at some point. its not that i crave physical interaction or that i miss my friends (do i have any, really?), or the boi for that matter — i just get really afraid of myself. you see, once i start sitting down with myself, i dont ever get up. 

i dont even know where to start... is life falling apart? not really. yes, we’re living in the middle of a pandemic. but i am blessed alhamdulillah to have a roof over my head, for my family members and for a s/o. but this period of being at home and everyone having so much time on their hands... really puts certain things into perspective. for instance, with so much time everyone has to offer now that we’re all confined to the comforts of our own four walls, how come not a single soul that i once called my friends have reached out. yes! i had 3 so far... in the span of 2 months. that’s a great feat, i aint gonna deny. but you see, the people i thought who could give 2 shits abt apparently rather give 2 shits to other people instead. so that makes me think — where do i stand in your life? how do i emerge from this quarantine and what do i make of our relationships after this? pretend like we totally know whats happening in each other’s lives via superficial and menial social media updates that you selectively show after having retaking them 100s of times or do i act all weird bec literally, i do not know whats happening to who anymore. this is simply bec im not talking to anyone. if i dont initiate a conversation, no one comes to me. im really not that interesting of a friend and not that exciting to have me around. i just float and exist... hence my insignificance in their lives. at one point, i guess it was just out of convenience that we were friends. & now due to circumstantial factors, it is not convenient or important having me around anymore.

yes i do have friends. yes we havent spoken in months. on some days though... i get really glad that my social circle has reduced to almost nothing. but on some days... i realise that im just not that strong after all. i want to be ok, i want to learn how to be ok. but how do i? how do i come to terms with the fact that either im a girl who turned all her friends away from her bec she thought she was too good for them or that her world too accelerated too quickly to revolve around her boyfriend that now she forgot how having friends ever felt like.

the people whom i thought literally saw me grew up are now too busy mingling amongst themselves and themselves only. they do make the effort to send one text message in 6 months... but the lack of sincerity is more than just apparent. there is 0 effort to even keep the conversation going and no matter how hard i once tried, i cant find it in me to be as giving anymore. 

to my best friend that i lost, im just taking things in my stride. every single day you never fail to exhibit the love you’re constantly being showered with (without me in your life anymore). im happy that you’re in a place where you get to shine in the spotlight given and that your circle of friends has expanded to one that drowns me out. maybe im also too exhausted and found myself to be too demanding for you to fit me anywhere in your life anymore. im just a puzzle piece that was forcing to fit till early this year. maybe now i really am prepared to want to let it all go.

i lost a workplace buddy recently. as much as i know that maybe this is for the better of him, a part of me still wishes we could maintain the same co-worker relationship and we can keep this friendship going. we have too many similarities and interests and it hurts to know that things will never be the same again. i have teared about it but i think one day these feelings are going to come charging at me in full force that it might be too late to calm those emotions down by then.

this quarantine period has also cost me lots of fights in my family. every single day i urge myself to keep the anger down and not get so agitated but i still fail. i disappoint myself time and again. i dont know how to fix this, neither do i see the light at the end of the tunnel for this. the ability to be so fucking patient with the useless beings i deal with at work and the inability of me being tolerant of my closest and most loved ones, appalls me the most. i am the biggest hypocrite i know. i fought with my beloved grandma. i was planning to check in on her but i never did and before i knew, she ended up in the hospital and i found myself sinking in knee-dip into a bottomless pit i knew i was sooner or later, doomed for.

the holy month is about to come to an end and i see people achieving milestones in their life as they close this chapter but this year feels just about the same as another. and i only have myself to blame and hate for it. i could have done so much more. coulda started on the quran, coulda been more consistent, coulda been more committed but i let it all slip in front of me and before i know it, it’s too late to do anything about it anymore. i am my biggest disappointment. i only seek for your forgiveness la Ya Allah.

i have no qualms about the person i call my partner. but having an anxiety attack all bec of him... it has truly been a long while. i wanna blame it on the period. i wanna blame it on the fact that i have too much time and too many emotions too feel, too sensitive. i wanna blame it on his lack of awareness for his surroundings and the people around him. i wanna blame it on his immaturity and ego. but i think we all know, it is ultimately just me. the same issues... over and over again. is it a lack of interest or understanding? i sincerely wonder. i want to work this out, but it gets really hard. sometimes i just want us to stop hurting. how is it that we dont get by a week without fighting? how is it that you still have issues understanding me why i get hurt even after repeatedly explaining myself? how is it that you still talk in a way that annoys the fuck out of me sometimes? i know you dont mean it. but are you really that wrapped up in your head to not notice all these things? everything’s either a fucking joke or too complicated for your brain to even process. i dont wish to make the situation bigger than what it is, but i never felt truly at peace at emptying my emotions to you. when was the last time you were keen about me and my mental health? then again, not everything is about me. and you didnt seem to understand so i backed off. i dont want to find fault in a situation that you dont want to help yourself in. why is that you can bear to part hours of your day to game but not spare 10 minutes of your time to ask me how im feeling lately. or spend 10 minutes of your time looking up what anxiety really is. i tell you im fine and you really think im fucking fine. if that was really all it took to cure my fucking anxiety m8... i’d be bloody Gandhi by now. i want to give all my love to you. but at times i cant even be truly happy for people by my side, sometimes i feel like i still have a lot more to learn before i deserve true happiness in my life. you dont always have the best words to say, but i know you do try. 

i started working out but i still dont like what i see. the more time i spend at home, the less i want to see myself in the mirror. its been 2 weeks and my arms are still so fucking flabby,,, my thighs are gigantic it can choke and the rolls on my tummy makes me nauseous. i pray to God seeking for strength every single day but i still cant find it in me to want to embrace the now me to pursue the version that i eventually want to be. the internet is not making my head a better place but it does remind me that im fat and that i deserve less and less food each day. i dont know why i allowed myself to get this obese but i am truly regretting every second of it. 

in conclusion... am i falling apart? maybe. am i losing myself? maybe. do i have friends? not anymore. and do i hate my s/o constantly reassuring me that i have friends that even i dont know the existence of? maybe. do i hate myself for being a dick to my own family? maybe. do i blame myself for being an incompetent and emotionally worrisome partner? maybe. do i blame myself for having a body as big as mine? maybe. ultimately... am i drowning myself in a bottomless pit of self loathe as i swim in self-pity? hell mother fucking yes.