#and i rly rly want to force myself to start joining clubs i just. gotta get over the hurdle

[the-darkgod]

like, man i dont think im that bad at holding conversations or meeting people i just... dont know where people go out and do things and without Going Out And Doing Things i dont know how to meet people and like, dating apps seem to absolutely not be working for me in any sense and then its just like. man what am i going to do?? asdufhadjfaf

[urfavmurtad]

What advice do you have for someone who just became an ex-muslim and feels life makes no sense without Islam because that's what the indoctrination said? I feel so hopeless and it feels life makes no sense. I don't know where to start from.

Aw anon this is a depressing ask but I get what you mean. I talk like a hardass on here sometimes but I did have moments when I felt like that as a kid. There was a time in my childhood that I did buy into all of it, and there was a time when I fully believed that going down the “questioning” path would seriously lead straight to hell, in the literal sense. That was a while ago, but imma try to put myself back in that mindset as I answer this for you.

First thing: your life has meaning without Islam. The majority of the world’s population is not Muslim and they manage to find meaning in their life easily enough. Our teachers may have taught us that life is pointless without it, but it ain’t. You have to simply force yourself to accept that.

The second thing you gotta do is build up a moral/value system that does not rely upon Islam (or religion in general if you are so inclined). You are a good person. You have good values. You can still keep all those values, including ones that you associate with Islam, without buying into the faith as a whole. Parts of Islam as an ideology are off-putting and tbh, genuinely bad. But that doesn’t mean that if the Quran says “be nice to orphans”, you gotta stop being nice to orphans just because you left Islam. Keep the good things you were taught, get rid of the bad. Start there. If you can’t tell how you feel about a certain topic–like views of homosexuality or women in leadership roles or something of that nature–try looking at it outside the lens of Islam. Ask yourself, is this thing objectively bad, or have I just been taught that it is?

Once you get a fairly good feel for where your system of morals stands, I guess then you can try to re-build your religious/spiritual life on your own terms, if you want. I am an atheist, but if you wanna believe in some creator god? Or some general spiritual force? Or even another religion? If you wanna believe in some sort of heaven but not a hell? All that is fine. Whatever makes sense to you. It’s nobody’s business but your own. I personally do not find any fulfillment in any of that kind of thing, but there’s no reason why you can’t.

Here’s another thing: if you ever do openly leave Islam, as in leave the “ummah”, there is something you need to keep in mind, and it’s a sense of belonging. I can’t emphasize enough how important it is to have a community and a social support network. Tbh I think that’s one of the main draws of any religion, not just Islam–easy access to people who see you as One Of Their Own and will help you out when you need help, whether it’s emotional or financial or w/e. But it’s not an unconditional relationship, no matter how much people pretend it is… if you openly no longer believe, you are no longer One Of Their Own. So when you leave a religion, even if you’re still in the closet, it’s super important to find a replacement for that sense of community.

And maybe that sounds too formal, idk, but I just mean… having good friends who understand your situation, having people who are not religious around you, being involved in some sort of club or organization, anything like that. One thing that’s really helped me feel happy and fulfilled these past couple of years is pushing myself past my comfort zone regarding stuff like that. I was a little shy in high school, I had like 3 good friends and hated socializing with ppl I didn’t know lmao but then I realized… if I don’t start forcing myself to meet new people, I’m never gonna expand my social circle, and I’m gonna be stuck with the same religious friends (they aren’t bad friends!! It’s just I know they wouldn’t approve of my Life Choices™️) forever. So I joined a few clubs at school and forced myself to go to the meetings and actually talk to ppl and make friends. I started doing a lil charity work (not a Muslim charity) and met a bunch of really sweet ppl who are so nice to talk to. I even joined an all-girls exercise group at the school gym and I am NOT a gym rat lol. All of it has broadened my life so much.

It’s rly hard when you’re shy. Trust me, I know it firsthand. But u just gotta go for it!! Make close friends, get yourself involved in some groups, do work that makes you feel fulfilled. It eats away at a lot of the loneliness. If you feel like you’re making the world a better place even a tiny bit, it can ease negative feelings in general. I’m gonna assume that you’re around my age or younger, and if you’re anything like me, you had a lil depressive spell (or maybe you’re still going through it) when you really, seriously mentally checked out of Islam because you realized how much of your life and sense of identity was tied to it. Not to mention potential future issues with family, which tbh I haven’t really figured out myself yet 😅 (the plan rn is: stay closeted but build up a social network and financial independence while I’m in school, then cross that bridge when I come to it).

But just remember that you’re young af. I’m young af too. We have so much time to rebuild ourselves and find identities that do not revolve around the ideology of a guy who owned sex slaves tbh! Take a year or two or ten to figure out who you are and what you really believe in, separate from all the crap we’ve been taught. And always feel free to message me anon if you’re feeling down cuz sis (or bro), I’ve been there. Stay strong!! 💖 💖