#and i shouldnt do that cause then too many of the blogs i follow get swept away by all the others

[leebooposting]

ahahaha partickles

summary: just a small silly fic of ran getting gotted by the particles ..

characters: lee!ranboo, ler!chat/particles [ STRICTLY platonic/sfw, do NOT touch this post if ur a nsfw blog i will break your fine china ]

w/c: 806 i think i forgor

a/n: i hate this i shouldnt have finished it while super tired but take it anyway also HOW DO YOU TITLE FICS

-----

Ranboo wasn’t sure where the particles came from, or why there were so many, but he made it clear he really didn’t mind having so many little buddies floating around his home.

He had just ended his stream, with about 7 particles hovering around him and watching him do so. He closed Twitch and looked up at the particles. “That was a fun stream, don’t you guys think?”

“It was,” one agreed. “Should’ve said gay rights like the dono said though.”

“When..?” He questioned, scrolling through his donations for confirmation. “..Ah.”

The particles around him burst into tiny giggles in response. “I didn’t see it!” Ran defended themselves. “I was in the middle of a horror game!”

“Excuses excuses.” Said the particle sitting on his shoulder. “We know where your true loyalties lie.”

“Guys- c’mon.” Ranboo sighed good naturedly, rolling their eyes. “You’re being ridiculous.”

A few gasps sounded from the particles. “Well, how dare you!” He heard one of them say. He chuckled as he stood up, turning off his pc and heading out of his office. The particles hovered behind him, a few others joining in as they spotted their streamer.

“You know I love you guys.” Ranboo said, an amused smile on their face. They got a series of varying responses. Many ’aww’s and ’i love you too’s were thrown back at them, leaving them with a happy grin on their face. 

They took off their varsity jacket, hooking it on the side of his wardrobe before flopping down on his bed with his phone. 

“I miss Ranboo.” He heard a particle say. 

He gave a blank response. “Guys, I’m right here.”

“It’s as if I still hear their voice..”

Ranboo shook his head with a fond laugh. “You guys never fail to amuse me.”

A few of the particles following him around had nestled by his shoulders now. Some of them falling asleep, other’s watching what he was scrolling through on his phone. He jumped a little as he felt a particle land on his stomach, looking down at them as they smiled right back at him knowingly. “What was that?” 

The realisation that he was utterly screwed began to set in. “Uh, nothing? You just startled me a little bit. I didn’t see you landing so the sudden contact just- yknow.”

The particle continued to smile at them. A couple other particles had begun to catch on - mainly just the ones awake - and lay there watching their streamer get bullied™ by someone much smaller than him.

It wasn’t long before said ’bully’ particle was rubbing their fuzzy body on his stomach, causing them to let out a small gasp. “Hey- hehey!” Ran yelped, almost dropping his phone. “Dohon’t- wahait!”

The other particles sprung into action - nuzzling against his neck and sides. Ranboo had to fight against rolling over out of fear of accidentally hurting any of the boobers. 

“Don’t wait?” He heard one of them say. “Well, if you insist!”

“Thahat’s not whahat I- hEY-!”

Suddenly, the feeling got so much worse when the particles thought it would be a good idea to blow little raspberries over his sides and stomach, resulting in him kicking out his legs with a squeal. “NohoHO-! GUHUYS! WaHAH- WHY?”

The only response he got was ’funny.’

They now wished they hadn’t taken their jacket off. Kinda.

“Hohow is thIHIS FUNNY?” They spoke, but got no response. Only a look from one of the particles as if it was the most obvious question ever.

“Whahahat?”

“You’re literally giggling yourself silly.” The particle answered, punctuating their sentence with a raspberry right on their navel just to make them squeal again. “It’s gotta be somewhat funny.” 

“B-BEHECAUSE- yoHOU guhuys are mahAKING ME LAHAUGH-” Ran yelped, covering his face with his hands. “What? No we’re not!” A particle by his ear spoke up, causing him to jump a little. “Where’d you get that idea from?”

“YOHOU’RE TICKLING MEHEHE?”

“Nuh uh.”

By now, the sleeping particles had been woken up by the noise, and a few others floated over to investigate the chaos. Ranboo heard a series of coos and compliments coming from the particles, causing his face to go a deeper shade of red.

Soon, though, the boobers understood their streamer had a limit, so they let up, as he let a few stray giggles spill from his lips.

“Are you okay?” A particle asked, to which Ranboo gave a thumbs up. “Yeheah, yeah.. I’m all tired out now..”

The particles seemed to agree with that. “Us too.” One mumbled, nestling in the space between his neck and shoulder. Eventually, they were completely surrounded with particles nestled around their bed, falling asleep cuddled up against them.

Ranboo wasn’t sure where the particles came from, or why there so many, but he wouldn’t give them up for the world.

[powerpolyculeshowdown]

how do people get an audience for brand new bracket blogs so quickly? are there specific tags to use? do they go around asking for boosts from bigger blogs? i had a good time running a bracket out of my fandom blog recently and would like to try a bigger one, but this part has me baffled, cause on MY blog i already HAD an audience.

uuuh idk tbh? when i made this one, for the original polycule showdown, i @ed blogs that inspired me, since thats what everyone was doing, and sometimes those blogs reblog your post so you gain some visibility. in my case i also have a very specific target audience. i didnt think id get many followers at all, but as it turns out a LOT of people have polyships and a lot of those people make content for their polyship, and have followers who share the ship. so, for example, one of my first interactions in my askbox was w non-fantasy, who from my understanding is rlly big in the liphiyo community. then froggers came w caballeros propaganda and a lot of other caballeros fans showed up. leverage was a surprise but theres a lot of leverage ot3 fans silently watching and following each other.

so i guess like, as a start you should @ the blogs that inspired you in your introduction post, people you tagged will probably reblog that post; in turn their followers are definitely ppl who either run polls or love voting on polls, and those ppl will also reblog it. the subject of your poll might affect how many people become interested. if it's too niche it might get less attention, but that doesnt mean you shouldnt run it! the main thing is have fun tbh, dont worry too much about the numbers cause that shit can drive you insane.

also, since you already have an audience, reblog your own post to your main too!! i did it and i didnt rlly have many followers at all tbh

[asteriaas-stuffs]

Can you please tell me what's stopping me? Like I have been in loa Tumblr from June 2022 and at first it was affirm and persist and almost every blogger was telling To repeat affirmations,do 10k challenge blah blah ....And now it's states...now its thoughts don't manifest, states do" ?!? Idk what should I do..like I actually really like repeating affirmations, they make me feel good...and for me, affirmations are just thoughts.and knowing dominant thoughts manifest was kinda comforting to me because all I had to do was think in my favour..but now since they say my state manifests , it's really disheartening because basically I have been repeating affirmations for no reason...since they don't work..and states thingy is still very confusing to me...like they say "when you enter a state of the wish fulfilled, you naturally get thoughts in alignment with your desire" but I don't? Honestly the problem isn't that I don't persist enough or I have a negative mindset, the problem is I don't know what to follow!!? It's all so confusing!! Like the same people that put all these rules that you can do this but you cant do that say that "you create the rules"...so if I truly create the rules then for me, shouldnt dominant thoughts manifest because I said so...and I like it?

Loa . Law of assumption. Anything you asssune it manifest whether it's states or affirming . For me affirming did manifest and for many others too . If you look through my blog and see coaching success stories i promise you all they did was affirming. No living in the end . No any other thing. They were panicking and having anxiety they did manifest tho . Ik that I have been through this too . For now don't think about states and let's not overconsume too . Anything you assume manifests . You created the rules and yes your dominant thought do manifest cause you're creating it or you're assuming it. I suggest you to take break cause you need and here this was pink suggested in void challenge but it's good for reprogramming . Do this don't overconsume . Try to stay positive ik it's hard but let's start slowly . And after that see what suits you affirming, states anything you prefer . No need to panic. Look what's best for you. Sometimes if it did work for other but not for you instead of being stuck look what you think will help you . I hope it helped you . Know that you create rules so you can do anything you assume it's good for you .

[spikeinthepunch]

Penrose: Dawning- the dev blog

Okay well my game has been up for a few days now, and the Jam is over so yeah, why not give a massive blog about it and the development and characters and feelings etc.

again this was quite a feat for me, so to say. as small as the game is. ive been struggling a ton for years and years, so the process and experience has stuck with me for the last month.

The personal

If you have followed and read some of my posts from the last month youd probably seen me talking about having seen a neurophysiologist-- my appointments for that were happening for quite a while before this month but this month was the end of it. Aside from it clearly being a huge stressor in general, it was also a huge eye opener to my problems. Which yeah, include my ability to Make Things. Not art- but everything else. The listening & reading comprehension, math and memory I tested on being really really bad. And it was great to understand that now! but having decided to take on the Jam was a lot and well, even though on one hand i felt good that I knew my issues.... it didn't mean i solved my issues. Now i was just way more away of them.

So, I tried my hardest I think because I knew I'd always give up on this stuff. And well, my mood meds were still kinda helping. I think there was a different kind of determination despite the upset that some of those tests caused me. Still, I faced a lot of anxiety, frusteration, and upsetting feelings in the process because of how hard it was for me to learn even the smallest things. I won't go super hard on that-- I just want to appreciate the small community of Narrat for being able to help and clarify my confusion even if I'd often say to myself "ugh, that was such a simple thing! i shouldnt need to get it clarified two times over!" etc etc.

still despite the variety of emotions i faced i came out of this really thinking 'wow i actually made something' because literally all these years i have never realized a larger project due to my issues. so for that i can be happy.

The development

the process of making this game was interesting because obvious i had never put my assumptions about the best way to develop to the test. i could think all the while "ill do this first, this second etc" but until you start making it you may realize you gotta do something else!

the fact this was only a month long didnt really give me much time to figure out better ways to develop, it i was already a ways into it. so i came out realizing what i could do diffferent. one thing for sure is i know i couldnt start with art. its just not possible in general to predict the art i would need clearly, because even if i were to write a lot, i felt that making dialog branches was much easier while i was coding because i never knew how far i would want them to go.

but also, in terms of writing- i already write a lot and i kinda have my mental process. getting that to work with the game was tough, and while i liked how i wrote for this game, i feel like it faltered in the sense that writing so many bits of it entirely away from each other had my struggling to make sure i felt connected. like, writing on one huge document allows me to easily refer back and having it all together makes it flow well in my head. but having them scattered around code was hard for me to track and i was never sure if it all felt like it connected up well. i also think in general if i wrote most of the important chunks- stuff not incredibly reliant on branches/choices- that i probably would have written waaaay more too. its just a format of writing that is natural.

there isnt too much as i did in the game coding wise so i dont have too many comments on development process. but i know i would like to make games in narrat that use the typical features found in games like DE (as the engine was inspired by), like stats/skills and maybe inventory depending on the thing.

The story & design

i dont plan to explain the story in detail here (a lot of secret context it on my discord) and i have talked loads about trying to write the themes its tackled.

the main thing about it is just that i have never properly realized Penrose and well. I was facing a creative block this last month which caused more struggles. But it was harder with art- mostly design. coming up with a design is harder in a block than reading a thing that says "draw a series of houses". thinking up something new is not easy. and my head also gets very stuck up in "if you design this and draw it, you can never change it".

Eden was pulled from my old unused RP character, Eden Creature, and so i was able to base her off something already. even so making anything at all was hard- even for Mick who already existed. I really didnt want her and Eden to revert back into my old style because its just no me anymore but at the same time i do want to get something unique for this story. Dawning does not reflect what I want exactly. I like what i managed to do esp in working with my time constraints. but, its not something i want to keep doing going forward.

the story was WAY more condensed than i thought it would be and its because i didnt really realize how quickly approaching the deadline was compared to my work. but at the same time i am glad it was? i was quite ambitious with how big i wanted this "proof of concept" to be, to where i definitely probably would have gotten farther in the plot and realized i had no clue exactly what I wanted.

because i do have a general idea of this story but not like. enough. and so shortening the story hugely for this demo was actually a good thing because i would have had to write a lot more and also probably wouldnt have been able to explain lore well enough because of how little i understood my own world. and when youre creative blocked its incredibly hard trying to development of that world too.

conclusion

i mentioned it breifly in a blog post but tbh the most scary part is having it hit that i am nervous has to how people will take my characters. not in a criticism kinda way but just the idea that people just wont really 'get' them. and even just the idea that my OCs have been "presented to the world" in some sense. i do stuff in my own little space all the time and never think about what it would really be like to put a game on itch.io or even like publish a proper animation on youtube or publish a book or something. its different and its weird because i have always thought to myself that i want people to see my OCs! but then i put it up in a place where it likely will be seen and I am afraid of that.

its probably for it being a first time. and also i need to learn confidence in this kind of work i was so into thinking i could never truly make because of my issues. this was still like, very very hard to do mentally etc and i feel very exhausted. but i really dont want this to be the first and last time i try and make something.

[sexdrugsrocknroller]

aight im making a post so i can say im using this shit like an actual diary

right now i have a grandeur of disorganization on my phone (laptop too but thats been a piece of junk since forever, fuck acer), between the basically full storage, mostly from the gallery (as of now i have a grand total of 93k photos. yes, 93 000 photos and videos.) plus my socials are fucked between the excessive saved and liked posts on instagram, same goes for tumblr here and twitter (i dont really use twitter, i only have an account to like and bookmark posts) and the youtube playlists and chronology.

plus my room is all messy with my not enough space for clothes and random papers and shit thrown together on any surface

i decided i dont like that and im changing it.

for the storage, i have already started deleting quite a bit, right now i deleted like 2300 elements but theres a lot more. sad part is that a lot of it is porn, wether drawn or short videos. im not gonna go full monk and delete all of it, though it would be easier, cause some of it i like. not to talk about the amount i already had to transfer on the laptop when i was tired of receiving warnings about the full storage in the last 2 years. i was also thinking of doing a backup of the whatsapp chats on the laptop so i can delete all the data on the phone storage. it would save me like 6 gb but its kinda extreme.

for socials, the solution is the same. tumblr: gradually remove liked posts i dont need to keep saved, and post what ive been keeping to post like i should have. last i checked, i had like 35k liked posts, and again, a lot of it porn. im not sure i want to post porn and erotica on this blog so for now im reblogging it on an alt, hoping it doesnt get deleted again. then ill have to unfollow some of the 4k blogs im following. guess what part of them are?

instagram, im not even going to remove all of the saved posts. its the social i used most to scroll at, i dont have the option to see how many posts i have saved but i dont think it would be an exaggeration to say i have at least a million. yea i know. im just going to get to a certain post i remember saving this summer, once im at that i will probably make another account altogether since i would never be able to clean all of it. i started this on around mid to end january, and as of now im just at mid october. after something like 20 non consecutive hours. yea its bad. it wouldnt be worth it to go past a certain point. better to just make a new one at that time and be more careful there.

youtube, i have the same problem of all social, i open a video just to keep it in the chronology so i can check it later and maybe save it. ive done it far too much. at least youtube is much faster to clean, but again i would never be able to check every single video i have left in the chrono to save at a second moment. thankfully once im done i could just go on settings and choose to do a tabula rasa of it, removing it completely.

twitter is probably also not worth the trouble of sitting thru all the posts i liked as a way of saving them. i probably shouldnt even care about it. this one has the least priority.

saved tabs on the browser? the easiest one by far out of all of it.

my room and the house in general, there isnt any second road, i just have to first remove and throw what i clearly dont need, store away whats left with some degree of order and hope i saved some space, and try to keep clean, plus store things with stricter orders so its cleaner. after my room and things, its time for the rest of the house.

all of this will be slow, gradual, and a major pain in the ass, but it has to be done and i intend to do it.

and all of this doesnt even include having to remake and update my cv and linkedin in preparation for when my contract ends, planning what to do for university between tests and papers and documents needed and all that, and this arguably has higher priority than all of above time and importance wise. but yknow. actually you dont know. even i dont know.

[buttered-kpopcorn]

I was tagged by @mjleavesmebreathless sdfghfgjjk

Rules: Answer 30 questions and tag 20 people that you want to know better.

1. Nickname: my name’s Alyssa… do I have a nickname… ?? idk my friends still call me Catherine the Great, the horse-fucker, after I did this thing where I had to pretend to be her (I hate it lmao)

2. Gender: female

3. Star Sign: cancer

4. Height: 5′3″ / 160 cm

5.Time: its almost 17:00 / 5 pm

6. Birthday: July 14

7. Favorite Bands: too many… I have a list of most of them in the link in my bio thing but I think the link doesnt always work ??? anyways uh with kpop I stan bts, seventeen, day6, exo, b.a.p, pentagon, got7, and vixx … and then I also love kard, south club, sf9, nu’est, nct, and so so so many more … and with english music my favs are saint motel, joywave, and of monsters and men but I have tons more its just this run on sentence is getting too long haha

8. Favorite Solo Artists: Zico, Jay Park, Dean, Sam Kim, Zion T., Agust D, probably missing some

9. Song Stuck In My Head: Artist by Zico and Feel It Still by Portugal. The Man

10. Last Movie Watched: Stranger Than Fiction

11. Last Show Watched: Voltron: Legendary Defender

12. When Did I Create My Blog: maybe 2 or 3 years ago I’m not sure but it feels like longer

13. What Do I Post: its a lot and you can look at the link in my bio … if it works for you … but its mostly kpop (lots of groups) and shitposts and occasionally some shows and things

14. Last Thing I Googled: “song memes” bc I was thinking of things to play to make my sister laugh

15. Do You Have Other Blogs: I used to but not any more - all my shit goes on here and thats why its such a mess lol

16. Do You Get Asks: as of recently sometimes… but I never used to :/ but hmu with some asks anytime cause i guess im just deep down a massive attention whore and i wanna make more friendsssss

17. Why Did You Choose Your URL: I changed from my original and cringey url to think also cringey url because 1) I wanted to reflect the fact that its all kpop now (didn’t used to be) 2) I like popcorn 3) popcorn … kpop … whoa it combines to kpopcorn 4) just plain kpopcorn and similar things were taken so buttered was added bc butter is nice

18. Following: too many idk if I wanna admit to it

19. Followers: 223

20. Favorite Colors: red, army green, grey, black

21. Average hours of sleep: 6~ish

22. Lucky Number: 3

23. Instruments: … I can play a few dumb easy things on my little keyboard

24. What Am I Wearing: currently? an old orange t-shirt with holes in it and some comfy grey shorts

25. How Many Blankets I Sleep With: just one unless I’m cold and then two (that doesn’t happen much though)

26. Dream Job: don’t ask me this question I have no idea

27. Dream Trip: EVERYWHERE tbh like I know you’re asking for specifics but I just fucking love travelling so much and I want to see the whole world so bad

28. Favorite foods: I really like fried eggs on everything… and spicy food… and I like sushi a lot and also every kind of cheese ever. some salads are gr8 and also noodles and so is good warm bread and I could snack on cheetos and seaweed and popcorn for days. y’know what I always crave… kimchi fried rice … and I’m pretty new to meat bc I live in a very vegetarian household but damn pork is tasty

29. Nationality: boring American with all kinds of western and eastern European heritage… my grandpa’s straight out of Hungary though and he’s great

30. Favorite Song: SONG as in ONE /?? idk man I love love love Zico’s Artist rn though I can’t get it out of my head

again im tired and dont want to spend time deciding which people i can tag without it being too weird so I’ll come back to this in a bit and do that … if youre reading this and we’re mutuals though just like … pretend I tagged you and then do it if you want to

EDIT: BALLS I FORGOT TO SAY TAGGED BY @mjleavesmebreathless thank you love youuuuu sorry it took me ten years to do this I think it’s been over a month and I somehow just missed the notification EDIT EDIT I was also tagged by @sunshiine-kpop to do the same thing

[savnofilter]

TW: MENTIONS OF DISCOURSE, GR//MING, P/D/PHILIA, ASS//LT, C//NSENT, D//RK CONTENT.

- this isnt under a read more because i want people to read this, but please read past this/tread carefully if you cannot handle such topics. this is not meant to be interacted with.

I'm not sure how to really go about this. I've been overthinking if I should address this and bring up some stuff while I've been gone, so sorry the absence. I deleted the tumblr app a few days ago and I downloaded it again today so i could post this. I really don't like making posts like this because it cuts the vibe that I've been trying to portray that everything is okay and it makes me feel really disconnected to you guys. I am sorry for the abrupt absence and cutting off any source of communication between us. I knew if I left any form of direct line of talk to me that I would receive hate and I just mentally decided that I cant sit through being harassed right now.

Have you guys ever paid attention to the same people who always have a statement to say or is always in discourse? It's very telling how everyone can post about me, but I shouldnt dare post about them. I'm tired of not being able to post about what I want without people vague posting about me, bringing me up every time they start another discourse with another writer or directly talking about me. My days on here are starting to feel the same. Its good then it goes bad. Good goes bad and bad goes good. It's not even tiring, annoying, or angering -- its repetitive. When I'm not saying anything people create fake stories about me, and when i speak about it im the one starting discourse. Don't get me wrong, I'm nowhere near perfect and I have made my own mistakes. But why the fuck am I always being told to be the mature one, why am I the one who should've done better, why do you people expect so much from me. It's the fact people are always quick to say, "no one cares about you, youre fishing for attention" when they're the ones who vague and interact with me while ive been minding my business for months now. Hm. The fact people have me proudly blocked but still harass me anyways shows a lot about themselves than it does for me. How its such an issue that im a minor until it comes to demonizing, tearing down my character, gaslighting, lying and bullying. I'm a literal example of how their friend group manipulates their followers and exiles people from fandoms for not kissing their ass. except now its in your face.

Consider this my last post about this discourse. I'm not going to waste my time on people who fail to digest other peoples thoughts and opinions time and time again because theyre weak narcissists. If I so choose to decide to shit post my opinions or argue with someone, none of you should be aggravated or moved by it because youre not even supposed to be on my page. If its not something serious i will not be wasting energy that i can be using to build on myself as a growing person than on miserable old ladies that have to use fanfiction to have excitement in their pity, depressing and lackluster lives. If people so do choose to create stories or vague about me, I do not care. So I ask respectfully to people who do lurk on my page to not attempt to message, post or vague about me please. This includes sending anons to yourself to make shit happen.

Past that, something got me thinking. My (older) friend had showed me screenshots of adult writers (no one i have spoken to) that were very excited to write underaged reader with adult characters. There are other instances where writers (that you have probably read from) on here openly made reader underage while aging characters up as adults/with adults. There are many more but there's really no point in listing them nor do I really care. But least to say, the same people who are gung-ho over these pedophilic themes/stories are the same people who support predatory people.

I've been thinking about whether or not i should continue writing for the students anymore. Granted, I still think they're attractive because one snap of the fingers cant stop that. I had been teetering on this thought for awhile because of how borderline pedophilic the people are here towards my age group. I enjoy writing but not to the point of willingly being in a straight line of sight where people who are well over 16 are harassing me and lurking on my page, especially to other minors solely because they are my friends. Backtracking to the statement before, I honestly dont know if I will either stop writing or just for the students as a whole. It shows that clearly some people are using their attraction to teens with the excuse that the characters are fake. The rapid normalization on dark problematic "kinks" is disgusting and vile, and the fact that its discourse now to shame said interests is appalling. Concluding that combined with my experiences here, i feel unsafe.

***(TRIGGER WARNING)*** I dont talk about my personal life on here that much cause I dont see the need too nor do i think its anyone's business. Paired with the fact that the people i have trusted personal information with have used it against me, I will be preventing myself from opening that door. Besides that for now, I have sparsely shared I've been assaulted before. This is my first time really opening up about this and i kind of find it necessary now. Coming from someone who has been a victim of assault and CP by people my age and well over, writing nsfw has been the only way where I could feel comfortable with sex in general. I won't get into details because mentioning this is triggering already and can make people uncomfortable. It feels like anywhere I go, I'm constantly putting myself in a position to be abused. The same people who told me I didn't have to worry about my age and be judged for it, exposed the minimum comfort of keeping myself private online to demonize, judge and hurt me. People call me "extra" for being distraught about my face and age being posted because they think im trying to be sneaky which isn't the case. Its the principle that they KNEW I wasnt ready to share said things, and coming from someone who is inherently a private and closed person, she knew damn well what she was doing when posting screenshots of me on Tumblr. There is no excuse for it. The same writers who write dub/non-con can BARELY understand basic consent and its fucking terrifying. This site was the only other place I could cope without being criticized. To see people who some i was close to proudly lie on my name, (adults) say that i sent them pornographic content without their consent is so very hurtful. To watch people supposedly be victims and then use their own trauma to invalidate my own was so fucking humiliating, disgusting and nerve wracking. Although I knew I made the terrible decision to interact with stories, I have never initiated any NSFW discussion with anyone in DMs unless they did it with me first and a few times -- and trust me raise your hand I'll show you the proof. I was sure that everyone I talked to regularly knew that I was a minor, and to my general consensus, people were under the impression I was 15/16 (which I was and am).***

Whether it be victim blaming from the grooming discourse, I've been met with racism, harassment towards my friends, people wanting me to harm myself and be assaulted. I fear what will happen when i will turn 18, if the harassment will escalate and what not. A big part of me is that I'm still here anyways because it pisses people off and I don't care when I receive hate. I can take it but I don't want it. A good conscious of me knows that I should be doing what's best for me but at the end I'm still attached to my ego-self with the added fact that I sincerely enjoy interacting with my followers and posting stories.

I just don't know how the options look. I'll probably be updating my blog rules as of right now. I've been writing more sfw lately because of this and it'd be nice if you guys supported those until I properly decide. I still have plenty of requests of a bunch of characters (mostly Bakugo and Dabi) and original stuff (all sfw & nsfw) that I really wanna share with you guys. But I just ask that what I do modify that you will respect it like you would to any other writer on here.

Stay safe, keep your mask on, and thank you.

[autisticangus]

anyway im so out of the loop on the mcelboys

i pretty much only keep semi-up to date with Sawbones at this point, not cuz i dont still LIKE everything else, just a lot has been goin on in my life

if anyone wants a long and rambly update on All Of The Bullshit im gonna stick a read more down here, asks are open and its cool to message me abt any of it if u want cuz i have some really nice and cool followers/mutuals here that make me comfy talkin abt that shit

as far as the future of this blog goes i wanna start using it more again! the mcelroys have gotten me out of some really dark places before so i hope having more connection to this community and the people here and their content again will help me like it has in the past! ill probs post more general mcelroy content here than previously rather than just taz btw i just gotta fuckin uhhhhh,,,, catch up on a bunch of shit again before this blog is even semi active lmaoo but im like alive and on tumblr regularly again!!

Wow u clicked on this and wanna hear me talk? Ur awesome and sweet, thanks for caring!

These past two years have been extraordinarily tough. This is gonna be a pretty long and detailed post that deals with the sensitive topics of emotional abuse, abusive relationships, and alcoholism. Please read on with caution.

Back in March of 2019, so this was about 3-4 months after i left tumblr, I got a new boyfriend and things started out really good, he was kind of a "bad boy" and it was fun at first. Im kind of a goody-goody so it was very interesting for me at first to be with someone so different who had such different life experiences than me. I liked hearing his stories of living in a traphouse, and running with gangs, and selling drugs, and knowing people who had killed people. I assumed a LOT of it was lies, obviously, who just brags about that shit u know? I just rolled with it, didnt take it seriously, and found the imagined scenarios interesting to listen to. So much of it was obviously played up to make him seem cooler, and I shouldve seen that as the red flag it was, and all my friends did but I didnt. 

He had a serious alcohol problem, I mean I had coffee in the morning and he had 2 four lokos before noon. it was bad. about 6 months into the relationship he decided i was cheating on him with my ex who i had recently reconnected with, we missed being friends and things were really going well talking and being friends again, he was really important to me! but my boyfriend saw this as yet another thing i was doing wrong. when he decided i was cheating, that become his focus of alcoholic rage. nearly every time he got drunk, which was several times a week, he would accuse me of things, he would yell and scream, he would call me horrible names and make me cry for literal hours, he never hit me but that shouldnt even matter, i was emotionally battered and mentally bruised and everything hurt. he gaslit me into believing i said and did things i never said or did, i admitted to things that were not real, and then i was yelled at for admitting them. i didnt know what to do.

he was threatening my ex too, he would get drunk and say he knew where he lived (he didnt) or he knew what car he drove (he didnt) and explained to me many times that although he had never killed someone, people had been killed before at his command. he said a bullet in the back of my ex’s brain was just a phone call and $500 away. somedays he would tell me he was just going to do it himself, with a hammer, or a kitchen knife, or whatever weapon he could get his hands on during his explanation of how he would do it. my only option was to agree, to say it didnt matter to me what happened to him, i had to pretend my on

/ly concern was him going to jail for the crime, if i showed any sign that i didn’t want my ex murdered, it clearly meant i was cheating on him. 

i pretended to block my ex on social media to get him off my back and it worked a little bit but he still brought it up. and even if he didnt directly mention him, he would always tell me when he was drunk that i was the cause of all his problems, i was why he was so self conscious, i was why he drank so much, i was why he had to work so hard, i was why every single issue he had was happening. logically i knew it was wrong, but i was so conditioned to it by then that i just went with it. i knew that agreeing and apologizing made the fighting end quicker.

things spiraled this past summer. his job needed us to relocate so we moved like 4 states away, away from all my family and friends, and lived in a tiny hotel room for a month. during this time, his drinking was somehow worse. he was drunk literally every night but he was passing out so we didnt fight and i was relieved. i was depressed being stuck in the hotel room all day alone, but thankful i wasnt being abused at least. then he started getting into drunken fistfights with his coworkers in the hotel parking lot. one day he came home just in time to find one of his drunk coworkers trying to break into the room with me there desperately trying to keep him out. i was terrified and wanted to go home but he convinced me to stay. a couple weeks after that we travelled for his work again several more states away. his drinking got a little bit better here, but i was so depressed and lonely, i was so isolated, he was all i saw day in and day out besides his coworkers and i was nervous around them. one day the guy who tried to break in on me, purposefully, while drunk, hit another coworkers car and totaled it and tried to run the guy over and i saw the whole thing. a week later my boyfriend was also fired because he got so drunk he passed out in the hotel parking lot and the company needed to save face with the hotel after the whole car incident. 

so we travelled back home, but not my home, to his where we lived isolated on a mountain with no phone signal or wifi. the house was old and not well kept from being empty for several years, half the appliances didnt work. i was more isolated than i have ever been in my life. for 4 months i stayed there and just dreaded him coming home because i knew he would be drunk again and he'd yell or accuse me of things or otherwise belittle me. it was horrible. my friends all said to leave and my parents said to leave but i was so brainwashed into thinking that if i was just a good little housewife and if i just stayed home and did the dishes and the laundry that he would be nicer but he still found things to point at and say i was cheating. he was also becoming really controlling about my food intake and weight and i already struggle with an eating disorder so that just made me feel even more like i had to stay, my brain felt like if i wasnt under his watchful eye id gain weight again, like somehow it was thanks to him i had lost weight and not my own choices.

one day last week i expressed to him wanting to leave, saying how unhappy i was, i told him how sad i felt and how i didnt think we were such a good match. he didnt take me seriously, so the next day when he got sloppy drunk before 5 pm i packed a small bag and went to my moms. i was just gonna stay for a night or two but he called and screamed at me for leaving without telling him, i told him he just didnt remember me telling him because he was so drunk, and he accused me of not caring about his feelings and made me sound like the bad guy for leaving without his permission. i told him it was just for a few days but the angrier he got the more i knew i was in the right and told him i was done. i told him we were breaking up and id come get my stuff soon.

i got my stuff while he was at work this past weekend and moved in with my best friend. im safe and happy now. things are looking so much better for me and im so thankful to my friends and family who supported me all the way to the end.

i just wanted to make this post because, i know its not mcelroy related, and a lot of ppl probably dont care for stuff like this on this kind of blog, but i think its important.

its important to friends and family of people in abusive relationships to be steady. dont give up your ground. even if the person keeps pushing back and wont leave the person, keep being there for them, it can take a long time, it took me almost 2 years to leave, it takes some people even longer, but just stay there for them and be there for them when they finally make that step. dont give up on them.

and to those who have been in these kinds of relationships, and especially those who are there right now: it is not your fault. it is so, so hard to leave, i know, but please try to find help and support and resources to do it. if all your friends dont like someone, theres a good reason for it. please dont fall into the trap of thinking your friends dont have the best intentions for you. there are so many things you may overlook in the moment that others can see from a mile away are horrible. especially if you have been abused in the past. its incredibly hard to tell what is a red flag when your gut instinct is that anything and everything is a red flag. surround yourself with people who you can trust and listen to them

and trust me, i know how hard it is when youre stuck in that spot of KNOWING you should go but fearing that first step away. its scary. its difficult. but it is worth it. find someone safe you can be with. and if you arent sure, find a reason to leave for just a few days, an excuse, anything. give yourself space from the abuser, tell yourself youre going back in a couple days, just get out from under the thumb long enough to clear your head and things will make more sense with the fog lifted.

when i first got in my car and put my kitten on my lap and told her we were going to my moms for a couple nights, i didnt know if that was the truth. i planned to come back and i knew i didnt want to. i only took enough stuff for a couple days. i couldnt imagine my life changing so drastically. where would i live? how would i make money? who take care of me? i had no clue about any of those things. but after a couple days away I realized i would take care of me. i remembered that i had worked jobs before i was with him, i could do it again. i remembered that i had options of where to live. all of those things were so clouded when i was with him, they felt like impossibilities. once i was away, even just for a short time, things were so much easier to parse.

and i know i had many privileges in this journey not everyone is afforded, and my heart goes out to those who read this and are in this situation and the options i had just arent accessible to you, i am so sorry, i wish i had something more to offer you but all i have is my story, and a wish that it gives you some hope at the very least, and a promise that if you need someone to talk to, im here, i will listen, and you will be heard and loved.

i just want everyone who reads to take something small but important away from it. love your friends, love yourself. please stay safe. please dont give up. remember love should not hurt.

[mayaloid]

Time to address that anon oh boy!

If you dont know what's going on uhhh some anon is getting on my ass for openly talking about sexual topics when Im almost 17 so lets go through with this very long ass anon!

not pure and innocent but not talking about nsfw in public spaces when you don't know if anons asking the related questions are adults or not.

You're right, I dont know. Younger people should know not to publicly send sexual stuff to people anyways, hell I haven't. Why? Cause I know there are many minors who shouldn't be subject to that or are uncomfortable with it. I dont see why you're blaming me on this. Its my blog, I talk about what I want, and if people send me stuff through anon then theres nothing I can do besides turn OFF anon, and Im not doing that.

you say that people must be 18+ to follow your unsafe tag but you yourself are a child and possibly so are many of your followers.

I say that as a precaution so I dont get in trouble cause I can say that I said for minors to block the tag. If THEY decide not to block it, then thats on them, NOT me. Also I may be a minor, but Im not a “child”. Also, if you actually study your laws, talking about sexual things aren’t… illegal. You do realize that, right? You dont even need to STUDY for that!

just because you're 16 does not mean that you aren't a minor.

You’re right but you’re treating me like Im 10 or somethin, which.. hell this wouldn't even have worked back then cause I started reading smutfics when I was 9 lmao.

it doesn't matter if other kids have sex, the problem is that you definitely seem to have found out about the topic wayyyy earlier than is appropriate

You’re right again. I shouldn’t have been able to figure things out at the age of 9, but that was my own curiosity's fault. Also not to mention since I was like 12 every kid around me knew about shit we shouldn’t have known about so that didn’t help either.

you shouldn't be saying that it's okay for kids to have sex without seemingly any boundaries towards the topic.

WOAH OKAY UH!!! WHAT THE FUCK!!!! I NEVER said this. EVER. I’m actually very HIGHLY against minors actually having sex, I never ever EVER said it was okay!!! I don’t know where the HELL you got that info but fucking yikes!!!

someone younger than you could see your answers and think "oh because someone who's also a kid is doing it I can do it!" and won't know the proper precautions to sex because they're like 12.

I never said I’m the person to go to for things like this. You can’t blame me if some other kid whos MUCH younger than me tries to do some risky shit cause I talk about it on my blog, when I don’t even do it either (go back to me saying I’m against minors actually having sex, then remember I am still a minor myself). They should talk to an adult or a sex ed teacher for that kind of thing, even when I was 12 I wasn’t going around, looking at older people and being like “Yes, Im fully capable of doing what they do to” Stop trying to blame me for some bullshit like that.

the problem isn't that we're expecting you to be pure, the problem is that you're setting an example for younger followers who haven't developed common sense yet because that part of their brain isn't being fully developed yet.

Well you’re on the wrong blog then buckaroo. I don’t want to be a role model, that’s way too much stress for me, and there’s so much shit wrong with me I wouldn’t even be a good role model if I tried, I’m way too mentally unstable. Stop trying to make me go on some moral highground, that’s not for you to decide.

I know you're going to come back at this with some snarky remark "well it's not MY fault kids can see it"

Cause it literally isn’t. I allow minor followers, but there’s definitely a limit. 13 seems to be around the age when me and most people I know started having their parents talk about the birds and the bees and when sex ed starts to come into school. ALSO not to mention, 13 is the minimum age on Tumblr you HAVE to be. If some fuckin 10yo lied and made themself an account on hear then picked up some bad things from me, thats not my fault. They shouldn’t even be on the website.

you've done it with many other anons who try explaining something inappropriate to you in any way that isn't babying you

Dude what the fuck are you saying, I’ve never had this kind of no-braincell argument with someone before.

"uhm... u uh... SHOULDNT DO THAT LOL.... its kinda um... bad teehee... >w<"

I don’t let people who legitimately talk like that within a 10 mile radius of me and my blog.

when it kind of is your fault because you are a kid as well and they will follow in your footsteps as they look up to anyone that's older even if they're still a minor in an attempt to appear more mature.

Refer to some of my upper comments!

yes, at the end of the day it's up to their parents to monitor their activity online if they're too young but you also play a large part in this being a minor yourself

Once again I never signed up to be a role model!! Also if they’re too young to even hear a slight mention about this kinda think, they’re literally not old enough to be on this site.

showing other kids that are younger than you and quite possibly WAY younger that sex is just about "top or bottom" and none of the safety measures

(1) I never said that thats all there was to it, wh... (2) IM NOT YOUR SEX ED TEACHER!!!!!! Thats not MY job!!!!!!!

have a good day and hopefully you take my words into actual consideration

I would if you weren’t some stuck up soccer mom

[imfemalewarrior]

Hi i've been following your blog for awhile and I really love the warrior inspiration but i was wondering if you could reel back the anti-weight loss message? I totally agree that society puts too much pressure on being tiny and most women dont need to lose weight and are healthy but where I work at the hospital we have a lot of bariatric patients who are 500+lbs and are so big their weight is crushing them. When they're put on a weight loss program we like to give them sources (cont)

(Cont) of inspiration and fitness goals to help keep them motivated and I’d like to recomend your blog but I’m worried about them reading how often you say weight loss isnt a goal and shouldnt be the end result. I understand if you dont this is your blog and I dont want to offend you by trying to dictate whats on it. Either way im a huge fan of your message and your content and will keep following you. Again sorry if this is really rude. 

I’m gonna preface this by saying I added a cut, and I’m very passionate, not angry, under said cut. And all my questions are genuine, not trying to be sassy here, because the questions I am asking are based on my own journey to a fitness lifestyle (which I am currently writing a book about how to do). I’m also asking them because I have very little info to go off of here.  I also really think you should DM me because I can discuss this in more detail/more specific to your situation, and how my blog can help these patients. 

Your patients either:

1) Don’t know about things like HAES/body positivity/body inclusivity and will find out about it because it’s everywhere at this point

2) Already know about it

You aren’t “protecting” them and their motivation by not telling them about blogs like mine that try to tell people how to lead a sustainable fitness lifestyle (with an emphasis on Martial Arts, yes I’m biased). Your patients aren’t stupid, especially if they are already seeking treatment in the hospital. So, why not use resources like HAES/body positivity/my blog/body inclusivity to help motivate them? (We also did this video on motivation). 

What I’m saying is, I think my blog would help your patients more than you realize, as I have a lot of questions on here from beginners I have answered in the past, and I talk about more than anti-weightloss as you have seen. 

Some things on my blog that might help your patients: 

I talk about how to overcome/ignore the voice in your head telling you that you look awful when you are exercising. I talk about how you can Start exercising (search beginner on my blog). 

That being said, I’m not a doctor so this post will be coming from the heart/my personal experience with my journey to leading a fitness lifestyle based on HAES and body inclusivity. Some of this stuff I had independently come up with and found out about HAES later, and that HAES teaches a lot of the same things. 

What kind of inspo and fitness goals are you giving these patients? 

I’m genuinely asking this question because when I search “Martial Arts Women” to try and inspire my followers I get a bunch of pictures of thin, usually white, Women. Same if you Google ballerina (but you do get some diversity in body types when you Google weightlifting Women). It isn’t very inspiring for Women that don’t have that body type (me included) if you don’t see anyone that looks like you doing the activities you would like to do. It’s why I ask my followers to submit pictures to my blog, so we can get a diversity of body types doing everything (search the submission tag, I also just reblogged a ton of them so check those out). 

What long term and immediate goals are you giving these patients? What incremental goals are you giving these patients? 

This takes a page from Marie Kondo; she recommends visualizing what you want to get out of tidying up. The same goes for developing a fitness lifestyle. You need to know what you want your lifestyle to look like with fitness thrown into the mix. Mine were something like: be healthier, be stronger, actually stick with exercise (a problem for me because I get bored if there are too many sets/reps-so Martial Arts and dance is perfect for me), cook enough food at home that I would eat that over the week and feel satisfied so I would stop buying food when I was too hungry to function during the day. I also want to be the most dangerous thing walking down the street (this will be a lifetime of dedicating myself to Martial Arts). 

These are long term goals, some of which are easier to attain than others, some require developing habits, and these habits need to be incorporated into my lifestyle. To do this I need incremental goals, and I talk about those on my blog as well; I very specifically talk about the importance of accepting that you won’t be able to do everything right away, and how you need to start small (low reps and sets, or maybe an easier version of a push ups such as a wall push up to learn proper form and build strength to do things properly/safely). So how are you working with your patients so they can figure out what they want out of this, how are you helping them develop manageable goals, and how are you helping them make lifestyle changes? 

Do you give them a target weight, or do you work with them to figure out what they want their “end” result to be? I say “end” because fitness a lifelong journey and a lifestyle that needs to be sustainable. Things like exercise that gets you moving in a way that works for the individual doing the moving (does not cause pain, is enjoyable for the person, the person can do the movement or an easier version of the movement), things like cooking for yourself (this lets you control what goes into the food you eat to a greater extent than eating pre-packaged meals). 

I haven’t even mentioned other things beyond people’s control such as genetics (were you aware that if you have an ancestor that went through a food scarce period you gain weight more easily and have an even harder time losing it?), medical conditions such as PCOS that make it harder/impossible to lose weight, medication that causes weight gain, and illness that causes weight gain (such as hypothyroidism). 

I’m genuinely asking these questions, because I don’t know how you are currently motivating your patients or if you are already doing some of the stuff I mentioned here. The only info I have is contained within the ask you sent me, so my response is based on that. 

FemaleWarrior, She/They 

[e8luhs]

Hey! So, since you run an actually successful fanventure, do you have any tips on writing one? Mine, Scratchwise, is still in the baby stages, and I want to make it the best it can be.

heres the post ive written about character development!

since most of my previous posts on actual plot writing have been nonexistent and very vague, HERE under the cut are a couple of things that i can say ive learned over the course of time and hopefully it will help you somehow. enjoy

obviously the first question that should be asked is this: what story do you want to tell? figure out themes that are important to you. study your favorite novels and analyze the themes you recognize, why you recognize them, and why they may or may not have an emotional impact on you. do you want to tell a story about recovery? about struggle? WHATEVER have you? ask why you want to tell it, and how youre going to tell it.

sidenote 1.1: sometimes you wont know what youre going for for a while, and thats okay. to be honest i totally had no idea what the main theme of cataclysmalbound until later into the game. sometimes this shit just pulls itself together and thats fine too, but i recommend thinking about themes early on because it helps immensely with foreshadowing and character development.

please god do your research if youre going to be writing about heavier topics. honestly this is a pretty obvious point but i still feel it needs to be specified. i cant even really begin to describe how not just annoying but downright frustrating it is seeing stories where people milk their characters trauma or really just have the audacity to write about experiences that they have no authority to speak about. if youre going to be writing about abuse and trauma, please take on these topics with care, and keep in mind that they must be covered with a sense of understanding, nuance, and with education; these are actual experiences that actual people have to go through.

sidenote 2.1: here and here are some jumping-off-point sources for advice with writing traumatized characters. again these are like SUPER JUMPING OFF POINT sources take it all with a grain of salt and sense of skepticism, theres also plenty of writing blogs on tumblr and whatnot which have typically talked about similar. just USE RESOURCES. you get the gist.

revise revise revise. listen to me right now, youre not going to go with the first version of your story. in fact you SHOULDNT go with the first version of your story, EVER, because your story WILL become better alongside you and your own writing style. give yourself time to let your story sink in, and adjust accordingly when you find hiccups.

sidenote 3.1: im tellin you that cataclysmalbound originally? was nothing like it is now and its because ive been working on it since 2016. i have obviously changed not only as a person but a writer since that point in time. i originally tried starting up the comic one month after the creation of the characters. guess how that went? TERRIBLY! because i had NO idea who the characters were, half of them were irrelevant, the plot was rushed and all in all it was a bad time. just like, let yourself SIT on it no matter how enthusiastic you are. i get it... i know... but seriously

be flexible. in my experience its good to have a plot but its even more important to go with what feels natural to your characters. im personally a very character driven person so it MIGHT just be me, but honestly if your plot is TOO structured it can be almost suffocating to the characters because it gives them no space for development, conversation, emotions, it leaves NO space for tension. dont guide your characters, FOLLOW them because it will ultimately be 20x more impactful in the end due to it being driven by your characters feelings/motivations/actions rather than just like... whatever.

pacing is important. if you have too much going on too quickly, it will lead to an ultimately unfulfilling and lifeless story. let things build up over time. this might not come naturally and thats okay as well! ive had to re-write and re-pace my story like 3 or 4 or HOWEVER many times because ive realized later on just how rushed it sounded. again: youre going to evolve and flexibility is important so that you CAN evolve.

keep track of your plot. duh, obviously. write it down, keep it in a google doc, keep it on a google sheet, whatever is best for you

sidenote 6.1: write down all of your new ideas too. “oh ill remember this later its too cool to forge--” NO. you WILL FORGET. WRITE IT DOWN. KEEP NOTES ON YOUR PHONE. KEEP A NOTEPAD ON YOU. you will thank yourself later.

talk to other people about your characters. overcome the anxiety! its worth it! not only will it help you with bouncing new ideas for plot points off of other people, but it will also give you an idea of how these events and characters will be interpreted. taking from not only your OWN skillset but OTHERS is really great and good and no matter how “solo” of a job youre pulling, writing and literature ultimately is about teamwork because of the fact that it can be interpreted and tweaked upon in unique ways by everyone.

when in doubt write it out. i have run into pitfalls where i have an idea of what i want to happen, but i dont know HOW to make it happen. what causes it, what are the characters intentions, how does it build up, etc. sometimes the best thing you can do at these points is just WRITE like, from whichever characters perspective is necessary and go ham on it. write out the aftermath, or write DURING the plot point, or write how relationships might be affected by it. genuinely it has been helpful to me for brainstorming, since it puts me into my characters places and helps me ask “what would logically happen based on how everyone acts”. sometimes its really as simple as getting it out of your head and onto the page.

sidenote 8.1: on the topic of characters, as ive stated in the “character development” half of this, if you dont care about or dont have a place for your character in the plot, ditch em. really. throw em out if they dont have an actual impact. if you DO care but still dont have a place, its up to you to make one.

sidenote 8.2: also sometimes you might have a character which you might really favor and want to give them a lot of like DRAMA but if you want to have equal emphasis on all of your characters, you need to figure out how to redistribute the spotlight.

finally all i can say is that the rest is up to you. to get all up and fucking poetic in here, the sparks of inspiration will naturally come from your own life and experiences and feelings. utilize that and also the ways that you as an individual garner ideas... because thats what makes your story unique ^_^ go fucking hogwild. apeshit, if you will

[jensoo]

wait are you sure its them who sent those messages? cause if they were blocked they shouldnt be able to do that..? i think ??

well i wasn’t going to make a whole post about this but well....

these are the messages i got first:

as you can see, the one about them was the first one i got today, after i ignored it (i wasn’t even online lol) i got the 2nd one. i wasn’t even on here and i rarely get hate so i doubt this is a coincidence lol 

i anwered only the rude one and then got these:

when i blocked the person calling themselves ‘diffrent anon’ all the unanswered anon messages (except for 2 nice ones, so i know it’s not a glitch) disappeared 🤔

i thought it was all too suspicious so i went on the blog mentioned in the first message (btw i don’t remember why i blocked them lmao but if this is how they act i don’t find it hard to believe i had a good reason) AND saw that they kept talking about me around the time i got the messages (and no offense but they don’t look like they have so many followers that someone would randomly decide to harass me for them)

screens of their blog:

so in conclusion, it’s either them or they asked their friends to harass me 🤷‍♀️ and it’s all because they can’t reblog my gifs

their url is @2baekxing and i guess you can decide for yourself if you want to block them or not

[inhaletheresin]

Do you feel comfortable with pro-recast people interacting with your posts? I know this is a sensitive question, so feel free not to answer, but lately I've seen someone pro-recast liking your posts and I wondered if you felt uncomfortable with it, as some pro-artist people do.

emmmm ok first of all i know this topic is really sensitive yes but i wont avoid talking about it because that just gains nothing. so i will answer this.

anyway, i want to explain my views on this topic please hear me out guys. firstly i dont even know who among my followers is pro-recast or pro-artist because i dont really check out anyone who interacts with my posts and stuff unless i talk with them often or i notice them a lot sooo…

to be frank i am not pro-recast and i definitely dont support it either bc it is technically art theft and i have heard of many horror stories and all that crazy shit in the bjd community but pleaseeee let me explain myself

i really, really, really appreciate art in all kinds of forms and stuff thats why i am so into bjds bc they are works of beautiful art and honestly it does kind of saddens me when i see recasts but what other people want to do is not in my control so if pro-recast people do find my blog and want to interact with my posts it is fine with me because even though they are pro-recast i feel i shouldn’t shun them solely because of that one reason. i really dont like painting someone as a bad person without knowing their life so i try to see the good in people and if i do find out a pro-recast person has been interacting with me without my knowledge i will not be mad and instantly block them or anything

you mentioned that you noticed someone who is pro-recast has been interacting with my posts and this has made me curious who this someone is tbh. if this is someone who has been talking with me often then i wouldnt drop them instantly i would first try to understand things from their perspective but it doesnt mean i will agree with them and support their decisions and if this person is someone i care about then i would try my best to reason with them because contributing to recasts is a very serious problem to both artists and the customers and the pro-recast themselves too

i know many pro-artists may disagree with my point of view and even unfollow me after this but in my opinion just because someone is pro-recast it does not make them entirely bad as a person. there are many other factors to consider and everyone has some sort of problem or flaw. thats why it would have to take a lot more than that for me to completely shun someone and tbh if i just avoid every single pro-recast people it wont solve anything and im sure everyone in the bjd hobby already knows about the huge split between pro-artists and pro-recasts. if none of us are going to communicate properly about this problem then we are just ignoring it which wont help anything either so its better to talk about it. unless they just refuse to listen then…

anyway idk man perhaps i am too naive in thinking pro-recast people can be reasoned with but like i said i would try to see things from their POV first and then try to reason with them. of course if they prove themselves that they are just contributing to recasts for their own benefit and disregarding the harm they are causing to others then yeah i would just stop trying to reason with them because at that point it would be obvious they do not care about the harm they cause to others and i would be very disappointed in them tbh. but as i have mentioned i would not instantly do the door slam thing on them just bc we have different views but i would be lying if i said i wont be bothered if i find out they are planning to get more recasts. however i have also heard of pro-artists discriminating and sending death threats(?) to pro-recasts and i have to say i dont like that. i understand why pro-artists would do those things to pro-recasts but no one has the right to pick on anyone and that also doesnt solve anything either and it just fuels the hate in the community and in turn separating everyone even more. i feel we should try to see what we all have in common instead of the differences so we can come together and solve this problem together as a community. we all love bjds and want to enjoy this hobby together and want to keep collecting more beautiful bjds right? then we shouldnt fight or avoid each other because of something we disagree on and we should communicate about the problem so we can do something about it??

i guess the answer to your question is yeah i would be a bit bothered but im not going to like go batshit crazy and block them and call them out and all that shit. sorry for the wall of text guys i just felt i needed to explain bc recasts are still a very big problem in the bjd hobby and people need to talk about it instead of avoiding it. i still remember that time about that one recaster in China threatening legit companies and Dollzone (my favorite company was on the list) about some shit and i was panicking lmfao. tbh i really do want to see this problem gone so no one will fight about it again or worry about the same thing happening again but i know its not that easy. sorry again for the long read. have a good day everyone

[babyawacs]

#measuring #LNL6 #LNL7 @wired @wireduk @intel .@intel .@energy @energy @ornl @sciam .@sciam @nsagov @gchq @d arpa @arm @amd @samsung @huawei heyguys  besides ne watom newelectron refiningthe reuslts measurement of lnl6 lnl7: isay we dont have tomeasure and shouldnt measure interim stages we know how the  l i k e l y result at each operation looks like inthe design phase ofthe chips allwe ha ve to do is verify the result on the template of what it likely is in uncertainty and sort out what it waslikely not iprefer self sor ting clarity like ring algorithms  treefunctions that sort themselves intrinsically femtoseconds pulses ie s horterpulses less clutter  but besides these lets ********* store an idealtypical result map and comp are simply incase of doubt themostlikely result and repeat automatically a second cycle ofthe same ********* ///// https://babyawacs.wordpress.com/2020/1 2/07/no-credible-physicist-could-believein-time-after-this-einstein-feynman-wouldagree-science-scienc-e-sciam -sciam-mathematics-physics-quantamagtimethereis-no-such-th-ing-as-timea-real/ no credible physicist could b elievein time after this: @einstein @feynman wouldagree @science .@science .@sciam @sciam @mathematics @physics @quantamag time thereis no such thing as time a rea l element like time would bond any matter and energy which is, was, and ever willbe. its described effects are w a y too mild this too inadequate for this traits of such a time would destroy matter energy in anyway #einstein #feynman #unified @science .@science .@sciam @nature .@nature @quantamag @mathematics @energy .@ene rgy @nobelprize @einstein the basis of the universe is energy, an energy equilibrium of charge balance. thisca nbe a relative charge balance what is balanced inthis spot is already an imba lance inanother spot this charge balance is in its traits cumulative bonding fl ux  if there is a disruptuon of charge balance, matter is created. a chargeimbalance  forms matter because energy charge1 tries to stick together asthe second cha rgeimbalance it forms a core charge with its counter corecharge basedonthe energy variance the chargeimbalance c aused the proton is formed the first nucleus this wrapping of chargeimbalance spikesout its additional imb alance  within this newly formed matter. this is known as the electron. this s ize formed is the minum size possible  chapter two the electron this newly formed nucleus proton with its spikedout chargeimbalance forms a wineglass like chargeimbalance spikeout. along this nucleus core based spikeout of chargeimbalance follows a charge package weknow as electron. it may bond on the wineglass at 4kev energy, but the chargeimbalance spi keout is stronger than that. the spikeout chargeimbalance spikeout is initially fast at the basis ofthe nucleu s and gets slowed down, then reaccelerates back. thisis why itis found rarely outside and moreoften inside. or bit mathematics somewhat apply while the energy of the chargeimbalancespikeout remains the same the cumulative b onding flux which causes it varies. this wineglass trajectory deforms depending onthe position inside the atom if the corecharge coatcharge of the proton flip and reintegrate the spikedout chargeimbalance known as e lectron intothe nucelus, a neutron is formed. its charge imbalance spikeout may be called positron. as the cha rge compositionoftbhenucleus is now different, itmay not keep this positroncharge i n a wineglass bonding this composition of proton and neutron are the smallest po ssible size per chargeimbalance before a new proton new neutron new atom is formed thsiis why smaller brack ets smaller particles as hadroncolliders found are less valid inthe composition o f matter  thisis why hydrogen is abundant gravity cumulative bonding flux gravity inthis universe the cumulative bonding flux atom ic subatomic cumulattive bonding flux of charge imbalances lattices are created inmacro supermacro this is w hy thereisno such thing as darkmatter dark energy t ime thereis no such thing as time a real element like time would bond any matter and energy which is, was, an d ever willbe. its described effects are w a y too mild this too inadequate for this traits of such a time would destroy matter energy in anyway it is an assistive constructionline a counting aid. why energy types for m bent trajectories along bent paths of gravitic cumulative bonding flux emmitted electrons and its quant um effects the chargeimbalance spikeout rips out a part ofthe wineglass. this wouldbe measured as excitation or lackofenergy. this emmitted chargeimbalance creates an asymmetric fields emmitted electron. one larger ch argevolume and one smaller chargevolume. this causes alltypes of quantum effects in emmitted electrons or electr onpairing bonding within interim emmission of chargeimbalances. atom composit ion these energychargeimbalances forming before a new proton must occur, defines wineglass strenghts chargeimbalance spikeout which defines the position in large atoms thismeans that the wine glass at 4kev strenght only wouldnot cause such atom compositions as measured for decades the stronger the wi neglass chargeimbalance spikeout the more these protons will cumulate onthe outerside ofthe atom nucleus, while leave inside nucleus only as many necessary to bond a neutron. this cannot be stable inmany atom composition s. with the icnreased nuclear rpessures the charge imbalance of the neutron flips. the neutron decays back t o a proton, emmits an electron (neutrino) and the whole atom is reshuffled. ifthis electron neutrino hits ano ther proton to create a new neutron with a new charge imbalance, a positron is emmitted and the proton transmu tes to a neutron. this means that above a proton neutroncount no island of stability can occur unless the at ompressure is eased with afield that sorts intra nuclear pressure the question about matter antimatter imbal ance is therefore solved by which charges form easier corecharge countercharge coa t  how the neutroncreation occurs with a reintegration of a chargeimbalance only afte r this corecoat combination was formed before fusion inthe fusion therefore mankind made electrictransm utation devices dirty neutrongenerating devices the fuel is transmutated to neu trons and or decays the wineglass is deformed with increasing thermal movement bu t the criticalpoint is that the electron in bonded magnetic flux are the cold part the static part thismeans heated atoms defomed wineglasses grab after slower morestatic more cool electrons.  elseyou wouldnot confine theplasma these electrons may grab bits ofthe wineglass of atoms and alter their bonding traits somewhat whic h relativates the movement of atoms  I am Christian KISS BabyAWACS – Raw Independent Sophistication #THIN KTANK + #INTEL #HELLHOLE #BLOG https://www.BabyAWACS.com/ Inquiry@BabyAWACS.com PHONE / FAX +493212 611 34 64 Helpful? Pay. Support. Donnate. paypal.me/ChristianKiss

#measuring #LNL6 #LNL7 @wired @wireduk @intel .@intel .@energy @energy @ornl @sciam .@sciam @nsagov @gchq @darpa @arm @amd @samsung @huawei

heyguys besides newatom newelectron refiningthe reuslts

measurement of lnl6 lnl7:

isay we dont have tomeasure and shouldnt measure interim stages

we know how the l i k e l y result at each operation looks like inthe design phase ofthe chips

allwe have to do…

[swapdancepapyrus]

Have people changed because they think differently of you?

Ive noticed.  many times. i mean its one thing, if you are a friend to someone you admire. And you slowly get to meet them. only to find out that you have found a special place for them “Forcing” you to change. 

I roleplayed with many a person. and i inspire many. Ive noticed, and im thankful. But ive noticed.... that people seem to distance themselves from me... even though im open. They... change the way they treat me. how they talk to me. They get upset when they find out im just as human as the rest of em. 

they then gravitate to what they think i see them as... rather than. yknow. something i probably saw them as before. Ive seen too many blogs change cause they know me better. but that doesnt mean im going to instantly think the better of the cases. i treat you all like a friend and depending on what happns next, can change what you think of me. but if ive made you think something that relates to a roleplay, or conversation we had. and it makes ya feel differently. its ok to tell me. dont do anything you probably will feel terrible about doing later on.

i treasure all of my followers and subscribers. but you shouldnt place me so high on a pedestal where whatever i deem you as, makes you want to do something just to make me feel better. or worse depending. 

Im sure popular people find this out. but im not there yet... and im just now getting a massive case of “Im a terrible person that makes people want to do things just so i dont feel bad. I dont force them to do it... but it happens. and now im suffering from missing treasured posts and conversations.” Im done. am i alone on this?

[driednatural]

visited pbp

met great folks. they let me talk forever. i was ashamed. i tried not to be. i became judgmental of myself again after austin contacted me. i became very judgmental of myself but told myself to go anyway. afraid though i was. i was being what might be considered crazy. i tried a bit to be less erratic. the people there were beautiful and caring and listened to me deeply. they were present with me. 

therapy also went well. a few insights “Thats exactly it. It is ALL okay.”

we reassured each other of this; we know this to be true experientially. she shared that she sometimes forget this and that she wants things to go exactly her way and then feels sad or hurt when they dont. but when you remember it is ALL OKAY. none of that seems to matter anymore.

we talked about paths leading us to the truth. because i said “i dont think i need to plan so strictly. in fact, i think often i can choose whatever path and i will always be okay.” she agrees with me but says something i dont entirely agree with “all paths lead us to the same place. sometimes there is a long detour rather than a shortcut but its okay because it leads you to the same place.” something about challenges, and growth, and always being challenged. i dont like taking the detour.

i say again and again now that i have learned: i believe in suffering. i think suffering is good for me and for others. it helps you to learn something. it helps you grow. it helps you to realize something and overcome something else. it is a challenge. suffering means processing.

i like to go towards suffering. but i do not always need to do what is hardest. nathan reminded me to listen to myself when considering why i had picked up the phone. i didnt need to. but i always do. nathan also reminded me i wanted my pain to be shared. my therapist said something like this too. all the pbp people know to listen to themself is key. . whenever i asked them about aya, and they expressed interest it was followed by a “feel when they are ready” or “when i am called” my therapist, too, talked about “if you feel called to it” in reference to aya. i like asap, very much. i liked being with him. he is playful with his limbs and movements. i liked his playful voice. i liked the quietness.

i am upset he didnt suffer. until he read my blog. i am upset. that means the processing did not exist up until then. and perhaps the suffering only lasted a day or so. i have been suffering for many years now. but there is tremendous growth in it. i have willed myself to grow. it was no mistake. 

talked about how much i want to be a good person. talked about how i dislike myself for wanting someone else to suffer but i know that i do want this. and i cant admonish myself for this. nathan reminded me “sounds like a should or should not.” and i said cindy reminded me to follow why i think something is bad or forbidden or why i tell myself i “shouldnt want people who caused me to suffer to suffer too”. it is natural to want people who have caused us pain to be hurt too. i dont let myself cause someone pain directly. i dont yell. i dont scream. i dont insult. i dont let it out. 

therapist talked about how she felt intentional communities would be a good thing for me “it would be fun”. i shared its important to me to be with people and develop a sense of self while being among people. also that i very strongly want to leave orlando. i very strongly still want to move into an intentional community and not with jena and emilia as much. though, they said the three of us would make beautiful roomates. and i to some extent agree. i am still afraid of intimacy though. im afraid they wont know how to deal with my severe depression when it exists. i want intimacy, but i have to work up to it. i especially cannot have it within a partnership atm because i am prone to codependency, or yearning for it. and i know no other way to feel or receive or give love, yet. sometimes i do. but i have to continue the practice.

therapist said it seems like my biggest passion...”or not passion but perhaps purpose” is to ...i dont remember. something along the lines of knowing myself, learning who i can become. also “learning what it is i want”.

last week she remarked how it seems very important to me to connect to people. i said yes, because i dont feel connection, often. and i feel so self-absorbed. i want to connect. i feel i talk about myself so often. but i want to connect.

started crying when she told me about this guy she has worked with. he had been in the marines for so long. he took ayahausca and had this big realization that all that he had done--the raiding, the killing,...--was all wrong. all of it. it was all wrong. and he realized what he had done. and experienced a major paradigm shift. 

no wait, started crying when she told me about this guy who has been on various substances for 10 years and he does it to numb the pain. to run away from his feelings. he is now on meth. i started crying because i felt it was so sad people suffer and are afraid to confront their feelings. so they numb themselves. they are so afraid to do it. i was sad.

talked about the beach trip and shared intimacy without suffering. she liked the line “intimacy without pain”. she wants to have the same beach trip, drumming, and dancing freely, non-judgmentally. i hope she gets to do this.

we talked 40 minutes after my therapy session ended.

she told me to think about ayahausca.