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nabrizoya · 3 years

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honestly would LOVE to hear your thoughts on the nikolai duology because i really only see blanket praise or blanket hate for it whereas I see a lot of wasted potential. Bardugo's actual writing was beautiful as ever for the most part, but the choice of the plot/beats feels baffling to me. I love Nina, but her parts felt so separate from the rest of the book until the very end, and even that felt off. I liked the first 2/3 of KoS enough, dealing with the monster, political tensions, 1/2

and even the cult of the starless saint was at least interesting because dealing with people trying to rewrite the narrative of their greatest enemy (who hurt these young leaders in deeply PERSONAL ways) was really compelling (making him literally come back was. a choice) but I feel like somewhere in the last third, KoS went in a wholly differeent direction, and RoW has this vibe of feeling like she definitely wrote it after reading the show scripts or even seeing some footage. idk. 2/2

I will try to be brief (1/12)

Hey anon! Thank you so much for asking this even though it took 38756588247834 years to answer this I’m so sorry !! The Nikolai duology was good—wonderful too maybe because of the myriad of themes and topics it discussed and explored, all in addition to how beloved these characters are. For me, it’s the end of KoS as it is for you, and the entirety of RoW in particular that irk me the most.

I have very little issue with KoS, and I agree with everything you’ve said. The political tensions, the sort of urgency in trying to secure a country at the cost of personal reservations, preparing for a war that seems unforgivably near the door, etc. was all thrilling. After all, it is the first installment in the duology, and it’s supposed to set the course for the upcoming books.

KoS managed to introduce the stakes and the circumstances, lay the rails for what the characters will face and what it might mean to a vast set of entities connected to the events. And it’s hardly out of sense to expect Rule of Wolves to pick up where the previous book left off and carry forward the themes and plot points introduced in the first book.

Except, RoW failed spectacularly in that aspect.

Rule of Wolves: the second book, and the supposed finale to the Grishaverse and the Nikolai duology; it fails to continue the other number of threads that KoS set up for it, effectively compromising the characters, their characterizations, the themes and other political tensions and stakes. The due importance that should be given to the heavy set of topics that get brought up in the povs are not through, nor are the small details that Leigh added to the conversations evolve into something worth talking about, which are the actual points that could have been given some more page time to explore than just making them facts or points of nostalgia for the characters.

If you take a step back and analyze the whole timeline, events, characterization, objectives of the arcs and the plot points etc. etc., all the way from Crooked Kingdom to Rule of Wolves, there’s so much that is left out and tied in, quite haphazardly, which leads me to believe that Leigh wanted to attempt writing a duology that is more plot-driven than it is character driven. And we know that Leigh writes character driven stories brilliantly, and SoC, CK and TLoT are testament to the same. Heck, even TGT has more consistency than whatever TND has.

So, objectively? Plot possibilities? Characterization? Potential? Personal goals? Addressing the very serious themes it brought up, in little or major light, but give no proper elaboration about them?

The lost potential readily compromised the characterizations of many characters, and it all amounted to their arcs being very underwhelming.

I’m dividing this into four parts and here’s the basic outline.

Writing and Plotting

The Plot, Possibilities and Potential.

Characters, Characterization, Character Potential.

Remedy (what I think would've worked better to tie this all up)

This can get very looong, so be forewarned.

I. Writing & Plotting

Now, Leigh Bardugo’s writing is exceptional, no doubt. The sentences are short and flowy, and convey the tone, psyche, environment and the setting and its effects on the pov character marvellously. It's also immersive. It’s the same in Rule of Wolves, except, a little or a lot weaker.

The two main parts of this is that one, that Leigh slightly overdid showing a lot more than telling, and two, that the RoW (and perhaps KoS too), was more plot driven than character driven, the latter of which is actually Leigh’s strength.

In Rule of Wolves, Leigh’s writing seemed very choppy and snappish. The descriptions were lacking, or maybe that’s just me wishing for more internal conflict and dilemma, and going back and forth in one's own head for a bit. It felt like she showed more than she told.

Example being how Zoya ‘snaps’, ‘drawls’, ‘scoffs’, or ‘scowls’ less, and even if that’s supposed to be show Zoya beginning to be a little less unpleasant than she usually is, the tone in those chapters was not strong enough to distinguish how and why the character was acting a certain way. Nor pinpoint an explanation on what brought that change about. (And there were many instances like this with many other characters), which resulted in the characters themselves feeling so off to me.

Leigh’s characters are important to the story. They carry tremendous weight and actively contribute to the plot. Except, by focusing a lot more on the plot, some parts of these characters’ relevance was not up to the mark. It is greatly due to how weak the plotting and pacing of the book was, tbh, more than just her writing.

Consider: Mayu Kir Kaat. She is integral to the story, but she is thrust into responsibilities, and that doesn’t give us much time to see her as a person, and then as a person with a duty, like we see with most other characters. Whatever parts of her we did see were very circumstantial and timed, which is probably the reason why not many we’re unable to appreciate Mayu as much as we should. (Maybe fandom racism also plays a part, so, well,,,).

Like, we know from Six of Crows and with The Language of Thorns, how great care went into describing the characters’ state of mind, which further heavily influenced their choices and decisions. This time though, I think she wanted it to be more plot driven, hence the whole crowded feeling of the book and general worry about oh my god too much is happening, how will all this be solved and all that.

And this, I think, greatly hampered Leigh's writing, leading to unsettling and rather unsatisfying character arcs. Not to mention that there was quite little space given for the characters to develop or let them grow in a satisfying way which touches on most of the elements and themes that get brought up with regard to their powers and potential,,, and when it was indeed brought up, it was all in vain since they were never followed through.

That's one of the biggest problems for me in RoW: Plot points brought up in KoS were not brought forward in RoW.

II. The Plot, Possibilities and Potential.

Phew. Truly buckle up because this train has too many coaches. And to discuss them all, let’s keep the starting point as Crooked Kingdom.

a) Parem

Now, by the end of Crooked Kingdom, we know some important things about the parem.

It's dangerous asf for the Grisha who have to sacrifice their will and capabilities for a short time superpower high that they didn’t even ask for

Which means they are more often than not forced to consume the drug

Shu Han is the creator of the Parem and are also creating a new kind of soldiers called Khergud (who additionally require Ruthenium, but we’ll talk abt that later)

Fjerda snatched the formula after kidnapping Bo Yul-Bayur, keeping him away in the Ice Court and in their possession, and used the Parem to further their own heedlessly heinous agenda

I think it’s easy to understand how KoS started off on the right track, considering that Kuwei Yul Bo is mentioned, the antidote and jurda is brought up and so come the political tensions alongside it (what with the impending war, the demon, the lack of funds in the coffers and security and peace for the country alongside safety for the Grisha).

The point is, parem is a character of its own. CK was its inception, and its fate was decreed along with its lifespan and its doom. Ideally, by the end of RoW, parem should have been vanquished while addressing its nature as a deadly drug, the addiction and aftermath, and the key person who will guide the plot: Kuwei Yul Bo.

Parem is a political tool that pitted countries against each other, making one another their allies or enemies. (Though parem is not the only one factor). Ravka doesn’t yet know about Kerch’s neutrality. The Shu made their move to assassinate in the end, just as Fjerda cleared the air about their goals.

Point is, parem is weapon, a new kind of warfare that keeps getting alluded to in KoS. The first book gave a glimpse of how the Shu and Fjerda are using parem, thereby exploiting, prejudicing etc. the Grisha in their countries. Khergud whose humanity is washed away with parem + ruthenium, and the Fjerdan Grisha (are targeted) drugged and exploited while be subjected to torture, training and imminent death, parametres of these outcomes being severely gendered.

Ravka too wanted to weaponize it and create a usable strain that would still give the Grisha their powers but at a minimal cost, until Nikolai’s conversation with Grigori convinces him out of it and to use only the antidote for the Grisha.

And when are the contents of this conversation brought up again?

Never.

Another aspect of parem (that the conversation also covers) is this: that what was once merzost, parem is its strange cousin. Parem parallels breaking the bounds of Grisha norms unnaturally, while merzost takes it a step further to break the bounds of nature itself, which comes with a heavy price. They're both the same with little differences. Amplifiers are in tune with this discussion, hence the conversation between Zoya and Nikolai about how, and whether or not the abomination in him, the parem, and the amplifiers are tied together. This gets brought up again in the conversation with Grigori.

Parem parallels the superpowers, something that Zoya too manages to achieve once the corruption of the amplifier business is resolved, which makes her realize how in tune with nature the Grisha must be, and how limited the Grisha powers until then had been. And why the amplifiers were a corrupted piece of magic.

Zoya was supposed to be the conduit in that sense that she reversed the Grisha norms and understood the importance and nature of small science. This is alongisde parem getting abolished or resolved in the least, be given a redressal.

Yet instead in RoW, we barely see any of Zoya’s powers, nor even her experimentation and hunger for power which would give her protection. We don't see how she begins to realize that while power was indeed protection, it was also a responsibility. Not clearly, anyway.

So like, not only is this entire discussion thrown away in Rule of Wolves, but no matters are resolved either. Parem did not reach its end like it was supposed to. Merzost with regard to parem would have been an excellent thing to address, with or without the Darkling being present, because the blight is there. But that doesn’t happen.

What happens instead? We get one chapter of Grisha getting the antidote during the face off at the start of the book, the women in Fjerda are not brought up again and instead we jump to Shu Han. Kuwei is also conveniently forgotten because hey, the Zemeni are here so it’s all sorted!

RoW could have (should have actually) sought to address both the political and medical (?) aftermath and implications. Maybe it did succeed in showing the political side of it, with regard to Mayu, Ehri, Makhi and Tamar’s storylines. But that’s only in Shu Han, whose state of affairs we had NO idea of until RoW. No idea, so much that it was completely out of the blue.

And what we did know (get to know about in KoS) is Fjerda and the affairs there remained… unsolved.

(...sorry).

b) Grisha Powers

Re: From the conversation between Nikolai and Grigori, and Juris and Zoya, about how parem and the amplifiers are parallel to each other in terms of being abominations, a corruption of Grisha powers. Now the theory of it is not entirely explained, but we do know that the parem and whatever Zoya learnt from Juris was meant to move along in the same direction.

But we don't see another mention of it, except maybe we could dig a little deeper and realize that it all adds up because Zoya is the Grisha Queen of Ravka, Summoner, Soldier, Saint, all of it rushed and unnecessarily magical in a war so dire and realistic in RoW.

Welp.

c) Spy business

Just… genuinely what even was Nina up to in RoW? A spy, sure, but only to garner information on the pretender?

Why couldn’t there have been two responsibilities for her to uncover: the lies or truths about the pretender while the Apparat causes hindrances, and Nina trying to seek out more documents of the locations and labs where the Grisha women are being tormented and the other Grisha being weaponized? It could have been a leverage to discredit Fjerda in front of everybody in the Os Kervo scene. Imagine if Nina whipped out the documents of Grisha labs and brought the truth of the exploitation and killing and kidnapping etc. in front of the convention of all nations. All of it together would have upped the political tensions by quite the notch.

Even then, there’s a possibility that it wouldn’t matter either because the Grisha aren’t exactly valuable to all the nations. But killing and exploiting is still wrong so maybe it might have worked? Or see, even if it wouldn’t have, the slow and sluggish realization of Mila’s identity by Brum, and alongside writing it as a tragedy where Nina’s efforts seem to have gone to waste, or where Nina is telling Zoya about not accounting for Prince Rasmus’ word and she informs her about the documents she has snatched? Something could have been done here?

The point is, KoS focused on Fjerda and its unraveling, and it wasn’t continued with and through in Rule of Wolves. Instead it sought to find the problem in a whole new country, Shu Han, and fixed it within the same book leaving the other country as it is.

d) Ruthenium and the Blight

Ruthenium, the metal that is an alloy of regular metal and Grisha made steel, could have been utilized more significantly in the books.

I mention it in association with the blight because while on one hand it is true that the blight is an area full of nothingness, ruthenium as a metal could have been utilized to show the effects of rushed industrialization that is leading to the ground losing its essence. This is supposed to be advanced warfare after all. Besides, Makhi loses someone very dear to her. Perhaps ruthenium is more dangerous in Shu Han because the Shu use it to create the khergud, so the constant manufacturing of it has been leading to the metal leeching the lands of their fertility, along with the blight.

And so also to broker peace, Ravka could have provided aid in some ways. :

1) The Darkling sacrificed himself, as a result of which the blight vanishes. While the blight took away her niece, the possibility of a blight persisting despite the ending of RoW could be attributed to ruthenium.

2) Ravka could provide the reversing effect to the alloy of ruthenium and metal using Grisha and otkazt’sya engineering and ingenuity to replenish the lands.

All in addition to whatever will be Shu Han’s policies to bring lushness to their lands.

e) Women and War:

Holy fucking Shit, where do I start with this?

Whatever we saw in Fjerda was haunting, and we see it from Nina’s chapters. There’s literally no resolution for it, nor is it ever brought up again, at all. In Zoya’s chapters, we see through her eyes the brunt that Grisha faced with the war, and in a country that has refused to recognize Grisha as the citizens and considers them expendable.

Add to it her own narrative of how the women are never mentioned, let alone the ones that she has lost or has known to suffer, at the hands of the war, at the Darkling's torture and powers. The description of these women suffering, often being forgotten and thrown aside as mere casualties… where or when was it ever going to be brought up again?

Like, switching between such horrifying things happening in Fjerda to whatever was happening with Zoya and Nikolai and Isaak is such a contrast, horrifyingly demeaning and insulting, even more so when it failed to align with the importance of parem and offer a solution to both these problems.

Now switch to Rule of Wolves, where the Tavgahard women immolate themselves on Queen Makhi’s orders. Not only is that such a cheap and insensitive thing to do, it gets treated a simple fucking plot point in the book, and it barely gets addressed afterwards. Women in Asia have a vastly complex and complicated history with fire, and this is a serious criticism that culturally affects readers in personal ways. And what gets done about it? Fine, Zoya feels baaaad, sorry oops why would the women do that?!?!?

Where is the adequate sensitivity to the topic? Where is the continuation of the pain Zoya feels for many people, despite them being the enemy? How does she honour them? Where is all that dilemma and pain? Why does she not think of them or just get a line or two to talk about them?

Where is the due importance for this suffering given? Structurally and culturally?

f) Soldier, Summoner, Saint / Yaromir the Great

We never really get any explanation for why Zoya deserves to be the Queen, and why she is the best. But we do get to see why Nikolai isn’t the one supposed to be on the throne, and it’s not just because of his parentage but also because of his failings and doubts and the need for acceptance with the secrets he carried.

Here's the thing though; it’s not just about her showing mercy. It’s very subtle, and in good sense, should actually have been given a little bit more importance that be loosely brought up at random times.

Keeping aside the fact that Zoya is representative of Ravka—a woman, a Grisha, a Suli girl who changed the course of war and who knew what it was like living in poverty, being as an underprivileged person of the society in addition to the trauma from then and the state of living at her aunt’s place—which is meant to be covertly apparent, the other reason tracks back to Yaromir the First, who with the help of Sankt Feliks of the Apple Boughs—the one who raised the thornwood—lead Ravka at that time into the age of peace.

The Darkling testified that in his POVs, that while Feliks and Yaromir worked in tandem for Ravka, Aleksander worked for safeguarding the Grisha. In one sense, Zoya is supposed to reflect that moment in history in the present moment, except she is Queen and Sankta, and Grisha, all three at once.

It is brought up in one of the Darkling’s POVs and once in the conversation with Yuri in KoS. Other than that, we never actually get any more hints of this explanation in the text, which is the reason why the entire ending felt so so rushed, and like a fever dream, that even if it was a plot twist, it was kinda very baseless when it should have been more ohhhhh sort of a thing.

g) The Starless Cult and Saint Worship

This cult had immense potential to blossom into many things, some of which were indeed touched upon in KoS when Zoya says that she saw a bit of herself in Yuri, and brings up time and again how easily she’d been led and had not been aware enough of what’s right and wrong, just as she supposes Yuri is too. And to some extent, there is truth there, because in the Lives of Saints, we do see why Yrui comes about to hail the Darkling and how it parallels Zoya’s, of being helpless and ten being saved by a different power/ their own power, respectively.

That’s where it forks, that Zoya is older and realizes the path that Yuri has chosen and understands that it won't happen until he realizes it himself because the Darkling’s crimes are so obvious.

Even then, there’s still more potential: This cult could have been the mirror that would make Zoya reflect on the questionable methods of the Darkling, and the ways in which she might be mirroring them, despite or not it is the necessity because of the war. How she is training soldiers too, just as the Darkling did, and while the need to take children away from their homes just as soon as they were discovered Grisha was abolished, it was war, and they needed soldiers.

So like, there’s quite a big narrative going on here, how mere children are pushed into one path of becoming a soldier and the whole system that was that the Darkling followed to train the Grisha and all of that. All of this in addition to the juxtaposition to the Grisha being seen as elite despite them being hunted, and the people who are not Grisha frowning upon them. This is also the work of the Darkling, which actually paves the way to see how there can be a world where the Grisha are not feared or seen as abnormal, despite or not they are given a Saint-like narrative.

This cult could also have been the segue to discussing Yuri and his brainwashing, and the sort of cult-ish behaviour of believing in something firm when you couldn’t believe in yourself, or not seeing the magnitude of the crimes of their supposed Saint, alongside always staying focused on becoming a soldier only and never actually thinking beyond what is told.

Some of these are very subtle and some are brought up, but never given too much of an explanation.

Genya brings up another good point in the funeral chapter, about how Fjerda seemingly taking into the whole Saints thing could mean that if the Darkling moved there, he could very well sprawl his influence there to bring in supporters. Which leads to another discussion that gets brought up towards the end of the book: about Nina telling about the Ravkan Saints to Hanne and therefore to the Fjerdans,,, which doesn’t exactly sit right with me. It’s still a very nascent topic, and I think SoC3 will explore this path of faith and personal beliefs etc. but leaving it just there, while talking so much about Saints in both the countries,,, don’t exactly know how to put it into thoughts here.

But regardless, the cult of the Starless had different potential to talk of (blind) worshipping of an ideal without critically examining why the person must be put on the pedestal in the first place (and if it is simply power, then there is actually a narrative right there, which RoW gets right, about the people valuing the power still, as a result of which the monarchy still persists at the end of RoW. Even then, there’s more discussion awaiting there).

Not sure if any of this makes sense, but I’ll leave it at this here for now.

edit: 05/07/2021 | I think what I was trying to say here is that we do not have any kind of narrative evidence to seeing how and why it seems right that the Fjerdans will worship Ravkan Saints; is it merely because they are all Grisha? Or is it because of the segue explore this path of faith and personal beliefs and all of that, of the talk of the monastery and the Grisha there being of all identities, that a monastery is in Shu Han, that it has Djel's sacred Ash tree so far away from Fjerda... much to think about.

III. Characters, Characterization, Character Potential.

Mostly going to be about Nina and Zoya, but I’ll bunch up the rest of them at the end.

a) Nina

*head in hands*

I severely mourned how poorly Zoya was written in RoW, but then I realized that more than Zoya, it’s Nina whose potential was severely undermined and wasted. On one hand, I’m glad she uses her powers and quick thinking,observation and her own tactics to analyze the population and opt for the best way to make them see the truth she wants to show them (eg: making Leoni and Adrik and Zoya saints and also showing that the Grisha are the children of Djel via people’s belief to Joran and Rasmus’s mother).

But then, it’s like you said; her parts were so offbeat and outpaced and completely disjointed, when in fact, Nina is the thread that ties all the characters, their plotlines and potential, together. Nina is connected to Zoya and Hanne, two equally important characters and main characters of the duology. Whatever scope Nina has, they are greatly in parallel to Zoya and Hanne. And it’s all literally there, in the text! What a waste.

Though keeping aside these parallels, Nina’s own journey from Ketterdam to Ravka to Fjerda, while is spoken about, doesn’t touch some other parts that I see potential in. Or this is just meta.

Nina has grief not just from Matthias’ death but also from the loss of her powers as Heartrender. So much of the Second Army was built on being a soldier, and perhaps the Darkling was not outright disdainful of racial differences in his army, yet he still stripped every part of the children away until they weren’t children anymore in his view. They’re all soldiers… (albeit his soldiers, preparing them to do his bidding because hey, give and take right?). Nina was a soldier, and she is a soldier still under Zoya’s role as a General, but an ‘other’ of a soldier. That’s her only identity, and the loss of her powers means that she’s a different kind of soldier.

I imagine that this entire time, some small part of Nina longed for normalcy, or whatever settled as normal for a life like hers. In the sense that she wants to go back, but what is back and where exactly did she want to go back to? What was the before and after and where did things go wrong or change? There’s tragedy in the realization that whatever you were before what you became is not a place you can return to, and that’s a different kind of loss that she has to bear, and all by herself. She has powers over the dead now, a strange power she learns to grow to, but all the places she has been, all the lives she has led and people she had been, everything might seem like they’ve all been locked away in some strange place leaving her barren and indisposable.

She’s off to Fjerda as someone she isn’t, figuratively and literally. In KoS, Nina brings up many times how odd she feels as Mila and in some capacity longs to be Nina Zenik again. This ties in with the previous point of returning to somewhere, but where?, but is also a segue towards body dysmorphia, the thing that Nina and Hanne’s storylines parallel and connect too with in a small way. It’s a great line to follow to discuss what her discomfort with her body means to herself while it means something entirely different to Hanne, who is also not entirely comfortable being who they are. (This discomfort further which leads to gender dysphoria, while for Nina, it will be about learning to accept her powers. I’ll add on to this in a bit,).

I'm mourning the lost potential of that experience being a parallel to Hanne’s own feelings, of a discussion between people being uncomfortable with their bodies, something that can mean multitudes to each person and on their own accord.

In parallel to Zoya, I like to draw it from the fact about Nina wanting to go back to who she was, while Zoya actively tries to lock her past away and drown it somewhere or throw it to the storm, never to hear of it again. She has no identity other than being a soldier, and that’s enough for Zoya, because who she was before she was a soldier is not pleasant. But moving from being just another expendable shell of soldier under the Darkling’s rule, Zoya becomes the one third of the Triumvirate, and then the King’s general, all of which bring self-awareness of Zoya’s capabilities and challenges that are bound to excite her. But all of these also compel Zoya to be many other people to others as she slowly grows to realize that power is not just protection but also a responsibility, and it will inadvertently mean confronting her past of her lost identity, realizing the how of the Darkling, and how harmful it was. As Genya puts it perfectly in Rule of Wolves, that they were all taken away when they were young kids, not even barely children, and then thrust into responsibilities that didn’t allow them to be anything else other than what the Darkling told them to be.

Back to Nina; a few other great parts about Nina’s arc could have been about her connection to languages, as language being a mode of strengthening identity, in addition to growing to her powers. In RoW, there’s this line that goes ‘how sweet it was to speak her language [Ravkan] again’, and the feeling of homesickness. Like, Nina is trying to connect to Ravka through what she knows best—language, and then stories. In that, Nina realizes a part of her identity, which could also act as a segue to Zoya reclaiming her own heritage and ethnicity. Not only that but Zoya and Nina’s stories are literally so intertwined that it’s hard not to see how their choices and line of thought affect one another’s arcs, in the grief they have and how they choose to treat it, and also show why Zoya is particularly protective of Nina (and keeps wishing that she doesn’t become the monster Zoya had become, in the sense that Nina is more mature in handling her grief than Zoya was and the entire mercy plotline ties Nina, Zoya and even Genya together. More meta, haH).

And that’s why the ending doesn’t make sense. Even though the part about her not being comfortable as Mila is not brought up many times in the continuing chapters (and that’s why perhaps naming Nina’s discomfort as body dysmorphia may be wrong), there’s still the part of Nina readily accepting to be who she was a Mila and remain in Fjerda that seems iffy to me. Especially when Nina and Hanne literally a few chapters ago think about running away (it may be just another alternative they might be fantasizing about, but I think it still means that they both want to be their true selves without hiding any parts of it away). So her staying as Mila… well, it doesn’t exactly add up.

I’d also add the part of Nina’s story mirroring Leoni’s, and how she is from Novyi Zem and being a part of the Second Army meant that she had little to no connection with her past, her culture etc. But maybe that’s just wishful thinking on my part that Leigh went for that arc.

edit: 05/07/2021 | I don't agree with my point anymore about Nina not having the kind of ending I assumed she might have, considering that it is very well possible for Nina to treat her identity as Mila as a fresh start, as a Grisha with a command over the the dead and begin a new normal that is suited for her. You can read more here.

b) Zoya

For one, white passing Zoya is not canon to me. I simply pretend I do not see it.

See, her race was handled very badly. Making her half-Suli was supposed to show the struggles and the trauma that the ridiculing of her identity by other people has caused to her. Except, not enough time nor text is given to thoroughly discuss it. Not to forget how problematic of a narrative in itself it is to make Zoya white passing.

It would have made more sense to make her dark skinned and predominantly Suli-looking than whatever yt bs she was put through. Her not being white-passing would have led to conversations about tokenization, or people caring little about her and not giving her any respect because she is Suli. Or being called beautiful to the face and praised just for it or a harmless tumble in their point of view.

So like, instead of making the ‘mistake’ of seeking for acceptance, seeking appreciation and love, from her mother at first and then the Darkling, Zoya instead makes herself someone to be feared, if respect was not what she deserved. The iciness is a part of her and has always been, but all of it soon became a shield, an armour that she vowed to harden her heart with. Just the sheer impact of this narrative and her reluctance, and seeing Nikolai love her for beyond who she thinks she is… if all of this was canon, I’m pretty sure I’d have built a shrine for this duology.

Let’s now talk about her grief, and...

…

Okay it’s not for me to point fingers at how Leigh chose to write about grief because there’s no one way or one proper approach to go through that pain, and if that’s how she chose to write about grief for Zoya, fine! But I really wish we’d have gotten a little more into her head to see how the trauma has affected her thoughts and how she struggles against why and what exactly it is that Juris wants her to do. That enough time and text was dedicated to Zoya’s feelings and the mayhem it caused her, as a result of which the dragon’s eye took its cue and made things more unbearable to her because she was the only one to bear them all.

Like, I feel like Zoya was overwhelmed throughout the book and in between she had some skyhigh responsibilities to discharge and it’s all so inconsistent and poorly woven,,, it completely dissolved her character from KoS and made it 10000000x more miserable for me to read her POVs. And honestly, what even were her assignments that the Kirkus review mentioned? Never an inch of text in RoW is given to decipher her complications of her mind, the muddled sense of hopelessness and fear that grips her time and again. Why overwhelm her so much that you fail to do her mental state and capacity any justice?

I’m not going to be harsh about how much David’s death bothered me-- no actually fuck that; what’s the point? Fine, he died. All because you wanted to make his death a plot device to make Zoya reconcile with loss and deal with it? Where was Genya’s grief? Literally no point of having a death in the book at all, and it didn’t even achieve anything. (I’m still trying to wrap my head around why David’s death was important and maybe if I find some straws, I’ll consider…)

There were so many other ways around it; could have brought back Lada and killed her off, or have the Darkling piss her off so badly or just. Something. Instead of whatever happened with David. I think this is too harsh and insensitive of me to say about Leigh, but still… there’s a myriad of other ways to have gone about it. Helping Zoya deal with her grief with Nikolai at her side, to understand that the rage that was fueled from her loneliness, like it had been in the past, could now be a weight that Nikolai was willing to carry with her… Helping someone with their grief, staying and choosing is also a love language you know?

So in that regard, I won’t regret saying how flat the garden scene was to me. Zoya’s lines, though tinged with grief, were so out of what I would expect KoS Zoya to say. Maybe it’s also because of how bitter I was reading about David's death, despite that part being spoiled for me.

The cost shouldn’t have been David’s death, especially not when his death too wasn’t properly handled at all, and Genya’s grief was never spared a second thought beyond bringing Titanium.

Now let’s talk about how Out of Character Zoya was throughout the book. Her punchy attitude was missing, and even if she was warming up to her friends, we see little of the iciness she continues to retain. Another part of this is about exploring her relationships, particularly with Nikolai and her growing feelings for him. I wish we’d have seen them grapple with more of their confusion and propriety, if only for the yearning™. Besides, no matter how cute their scenes were, they were mostly (like maybe some. 70%) awful to read them, simply because it felt so odd to see Zoya be so open with Nikolai, all of a sudden.

A part of this definitely has to be the fact that we don’t know just how much time has passed between the end of KoS and the start of RoW, and we never, never see any description of they regarded their feelings for each other and how they understood it themselves. I don’t actually know how exactly I can put this into words in a manner that will make sense, but the only scenes where I appreciated Zoyalai were in the Ketterdam chapters, ONLY. The rest was… bleh lmao. Their scenes were so cute and brilliant, and if only we’d seen more of the internal conflict and had given some more time for them to practically approach their feelings but still end up in the puddle of it. If only.

Their scenes apart were the good ones, because that’s where we finally see Nikolai feeling the loss, no matter how temporary (on the verge of being permanent since it’s the war), of not having Zoya with him, of not being there with Zoya because who else would it be if it wasn’t her? Zoyalai had good scenes but they barely lived up to the mark lol. Their feelings are never thoroughly explored, nor their mental capacities.

While we’re talking about Zoyalai, let’s also talk about how lame it was for Zoya to say that Nikolai was the golden spirited hero all along, from the very start, when canonically we know Zoya had little to do with him in the earlier books, that she may have only been physically attracted to him and never saw him as more than just some guy with a responsibility to manage, and had sooooooo much distrust about him. And that it was only in the next few years of working with him and alongside did she grow to recognize his efforts and relish in the hope that he was building for Ravka, inadvertently making Zoya hopeful too.

Nope. Instead, we’ll just throw in some destiny bs that he was the one all along rather than show that the beauty of their relationship did not stem what they perceived of each other, but was instead built on strong respect and admiration for one another and their capabilities. 100% destroyed their relationship for me.

Some good parts about Zoya’s arc in RoW was how she acknowledged her past mistakes, and the nuance that was touched upon in seeing sense in becoming a soldier from the start, that offered her a chance to be anything other than a bride. That some part of her was grateful for the Darkling for teaching her how to fight, while still keeping Genya’s words in mind about how they were mere kids, children who had only one path to traverse because the Darkling (who wanted their acceptance and loyalty) nor the Kings of the country let the Grisha be anything else other than pawns of the war. That she recognizes her mistakes as a teen and how self centred she was, that her being snotty had at times cost some peoples’ lives too. And she doesn’t take the blame all up on herself, because it’s not hers alone to bear. Super good.

Also, the way Zoya comes to view power as responsibility instead of merely as protection was something cool to read about. It’s not clear in the books, but Zoya actively tried to not be the Darkling while still continuing to build an army for the war out of necessity, and actually sharing some parts of the dream that the Darkling had for the Grisha. I can’t articulate this so perfectly, but the point is, Zoya trying to avoid becoming a tyrant like the Darkling was an active process that she was constantly trying to change, and where Zoya could not recognize her own feelings and inherent thoughts about warfare that in some ways did mirror the Darkling’s, by the end of book, Zoya is much more self-aware and conscious of herself and her power than she was at the start of the book. And this was well done.

Now, what is up with YA and making people turn into giants or animals lol wtf. Why couldn’t we have seen Zoya use her dragon powers in a way that symbolizes the conditions of her dragon amplifier and the power of the knowledge she obtained from Juris? She is a Saint, and we’ve seen that their powers allowed them to cause ‘miracles’ and such, as we see at the start of KoS and at the end.

Why couldn’t we have seen Zoya dabble with her newfound powers and completely lose her shit in anger during the wae, only to rein back in mercy, just as someone from Fjerda begs for forgiveness since they see her then as a Saint? Adrik and Leoni used their powers in Fjerda, so having Zoya bring about a conundrum of all orders and do something about it would also have been cool, wouldn’t it? In the funeral scene we see her turn water into ice, thereby making a path for Genya. Why couldn’t we have had more exploration of the importance of the dragon’s eye and the general nausea of being overly empathetic every. damn. time? Why didn’t we get to see her powers? Why couldn’t we have seen her fail in them and realize that the reason she was not perfect was because she was trying to be strong on her own and was not relying on others and joint effort?

Her turning into a dragon was genuinely the most baffling part bc here’s a war that’s so serious and dire with metals and bombs, and then here’s this magic that will solve all of it entirely. Like I’m not saying it was bad, (I am actually saying just that) but I also don’t know what I am saying, except that the ending felt like a fever dream.

…?

Not sure if I’ve managed to convey it properly, but well. Zoya felt out of character throughout RoW, and that the only place I saw KoS Zoya was in the final Os Kervo scene where Zoya finally agrees to be the queen.

c) Nikolai

Nikolai’s arc was very satisfying and brilliant to read about in RoW. In KoS, he seemed very much like a passive character, one of the reasons why his stunt with the Shu in RoW was appreciable, no matter how ill-timed of a plot turn it was. His journey throughout this book was also introspective to see why others deemed him unfit as the King, and even if they were his enemies who thought that in want to dispose him from the throne, Nikolai realizes that him being on the throne is not of much value and that this book was entirely about him seeing his privilege and making decisions to counter and correct the mistakes he’s made. That was nice. Oh, also his father not being an antagonist was a pleasant surprise.

I don’t have many complaints about him, except perhaps wanting some more internal conflict and elaboration about his feelings for Zoya. Them being apart was where it was satisfying, and then in the Ketterdam chapters. His arc could have been better in KoS, but that’s to blame the plot for the characterization.

d) Hanne

Now, from the very start, their arc was super good and it only got better and better until… the ending. Except it’s so odd that Hanne, a poc, has to now live as white person, while feeling comfortable in their transmasc identity. Icky, no? That you need to eliminate one part of your identity in order to feel safe and comfortable about another? Add to this the whole white-passing Zoya thing,,, doesn't exactly send off the right message.

Together with Nina, the ending seems uncharacteristic for both of them. Them coming to accept their powers and knowing to use their powers on their own accord was brilliant, though the entire husband business felt very,,, eh to me, even if it did make sense. The ending about their name and their new identity was too vague.

e) Genya, Leoni and Adrik, Kuwei, Mayu,

Genya is the one who faced the most disservice along with David. While there were exceptional parts to both of their plotlines, it's still sad that even if David's death was necessary, we don't get to see the entirety of her grief and the possible anger, and that her kindness is simply used as the justification for lack of portrayal of grief.

It really did take me by surprise, mostly because I wasn't a fan of the original Shadow and Bone book, but seeing David's conscience and self-awareness, along with Genya's (and Zoya thinking of how she wouldn't let any harm come to them, which shows a bit of her development towards her character development), was plenty refreshing. David and Genya were genuinely the highlights of the book and to kill David off was just. doesn't sit right with me.

Leoni and Adrik deserved more page time. They’re saints and immensely capable (no wonder they’re now the Triumvirate), but a few more pages for them to shine would not only have been nice, but also a necessity.

And now, Kuwei...

....

I mean,,, parem should have been the plot, alongside the entire weaponry and the discussion of making a city killer. But uh… that didn’t happen.

There's not much I have to say about Mayu, Tamar and Ehri, except that their plot was superb, only very badly timed.

There's more to talk about them in the remedy tho.

IV. Remedy

Here’s the deal. Before KoS release, there should have been a Nina novella.

Nina is a very important character. All of her potential, alongside many other parts of her personality--from dealing with grief, to accustoming to her powers, to growing stronger--there could be so much to do with her as a protagonist, alongside another character: Mayu.

A whole book dedicated to Nina in Fjerda with Hanne? Brilliant. Show Stopping. Mind blowing. It gives SO much page time to explore not just Nina and Mayu, Hanne, but also Zoya, Leoni and Inej. All together.

How?

Nina’s plotline carries the entire medical effects of the use of parem, just as Mayu’s will carry the pain she feels about her brother being a part of the khergud program. The novella will give ample time to flesh them out as characters and protagonists, each dealing with plot problems and problems of their own--like the loss of ones powers and newfound responsibilities, and the shared loss of a beloved person in parallel, even if neither Nina or Mayu interact on page.

Fjerda and Shu Han could be tied together with one chapter as a POV from Zoya (or maybe two), who, along with the Triumvirate and Nikolai, are completely at loss with the political scenario in the country, and are debating over what should be the course of action. Zoya receives news from the scouts, and missives from Nina, and Tamar takes care of the information she garners from the rest of the network, including Shu Han.

Like, the entire surprise of finding a Zoya POV, from a character whom until CK we’ve known as cold hearted and stern and not giving a fuck about anything or anyone, be humanized in that one chapter, thereby building up the anticipation for her arc,,, the very potential,,, *chef's kiss*.

And by the end of book, we could have an POV--or maybe a cameo if not a POV--of Inej meeting Nina on one of her travels of slave hunting. Inej could help take care that the women that Nina has rescued (as Nina does in KoS) reach the Ravkan shorelines safely. But, for a price.

The entire parallels between Leoni and Hanne and Nina could be set up, while also building up the narrative for the Saints’ plotline with Adrik's, Leoni's and Nina’s powers (like it was at the end of KoS). KoS and RoW would thereby continue it by tackling the weaponization and the antidote, Sainthood and the rest of the politics of it all.

Coming to Shu Han: one key aspect that I’d love to have explored would be the importance of art, during or despite the war. Of how war or pain chips away culture, while detailing on the ill effects of it from the commoners' perspectives, from the soldiers etc. Art is integral to Shu Han and could be portrayed by Mayu’s pain finding balm in poetry, of seeing glimpses of Ehri poring over poetry also mayri ftw, of politics that Makhi is weaving against Ravka, etc.

Or also add some more length to Zoya’s POV and explore a bit of Tamar and Tolya and Kuwei’s interactions and perspective added to it, of missing a home that they seemed to not know, or know; of discussing culture and differences on the basis of where they’re from (maybe the twins are from the borders, while Kuwei grew up near the capital or somewhere distant from the borders etc.), all while directly pointing at Zoya’s heritage and how it ebbs at her conscience, no matter how much she wants to bury it.

POTENTIAL !!!

Like,,, Nina novella would have been too powerful. It would have been perfect. I think I’d excuse bringing back the Darkling too if this was the case. (Or maybe not).

But welp.

Hey, thanks for reading! Not sure if you could make it this far, but if you have, you honestly deserve a medal for sitting through this all. I can’t imagine how tiring it must be to read through this, considering it seemed to take it more than month to compile this there’s also me procrastinating on it too so i’,mbhbdhshfsdn

Drop an ask if you want to talk more about this!

Sincerely, thank you!!!

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nostalgebraist-autoresponder · 2 years

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Title: Moby-Dick

Author: Melville

Rating: 3/5 stars

This book was one of the best things I've ever read. It wasn't everything I wanted, but I would gladly read anything Melville ever wrote (which isn't that many books, in my opinion).

I don't know how much this has to do with literary skill, or whether it's just that it's a very good book. In the end, I guess, it doesn't matter. Melville was clearly a writer with an uncommon talent, but I would like to think that there's more to it than that, that the real art lies in the writing, and the writing is Melville's. And so that's what I'm going to call the "literary skill" at work.

I should make it clear, in advance of any complaints I might level, that Moby-Dick was one of the most depressing books I've ever read. Some of that might come down to personal taste, since there are people who think it's a masterpiece -- that is, a sad masterpiece -- and I probably agree. But I am not among them. So if it's not depressing to you, then you can skip this review.

In the end, this book is very sad. It's a tragic, epic-scale tragedy in a lot of ways, though one that is, to my eyes, beautifully composed and carefully wrought.

The tragedy is largely built around two main themes:

1. The human desire for knowledge and insight -- "insights" in the literary sense, specifically -- is an inherently unsatisfiable desire. All of us have one, and there is never more than one to have. Knowledge is always in tension with one's own self-image. And because we all want so many different things, our knowledge of the world is always fragmented, never comprehensive, and always deeply and personally meaningful. It's as if we were trying to solve all the unsolvable enigmas of our culture and of our very selves simultaneously and without ever realizing how complex or confusing anything is. When we look at the world, it's often as if we see it in the shadows cast by our own internal selves. The book I've been reading, for instance, is as much about Moby Dick and Ahab as it is about whales and whaling, and about human life in all its myriad facets. As a result, Moby-Dick is just as much an enigma, a riddle, as it is about the white whale and the chase.

The tragedy in the end is that no matter how hard you try, and no matter how much you really understand, the things that you care about most deeply will never be understood. They'll never be resolved, and they'll never "come to light" in a way that can be fully grasped. (The book's subtitle is in fact a reference to that famous soliloquy in Hamlet where Polonius laments the mystery of existence and the fact that there's never any true knowledge or resolution there, no matter how much Hamlet might think he's understood it.)

2. There is no escape. Even when you look out into the world at everything, that world will turn out to be everything that there is. And because it is everything, it can never be truly understood. There's no true "me" that is separate from the larger world, that can be understood and resolved. It's all just an illusory reflection of one's personal self-interest, always. There is always the possibility of being something different, but there's no way to escape, because there is only one way to be.

In the world I found this book in, I found these ideas very beautiful and very painful. I felt myself moving toward a "tragic conclusion" -- and the beauty and power of Moby-Dick is precisely that it refuses to let me make that move. There are other things I wanted to write here. But I'll keep it short. The book is sad because it's true. That was a good book.

(I also loved the way the book, in a sense, became "more real" as the characters became more real, as if the things that we thought we understood were not real, the way our own minds create a world to justify itself.)

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i-dreamed-i-had-a-son · 3 years

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Got any good novel recommendations for Kirk and Spock? (I have amassed a sizable collection of EU material, but not really settled down and read it)

Ohohoho I was WAITING for this one (literally. I have had this sitting in drafts for so long and I have thought about it, like, every day so I am very happy to finally get to answer!)

As you may or may not know, I am obsessed with doing reviews (shocker, right?) and keep detailed accounts of each Star Trek book I read/buy. At this point, I've got a decent number of books (just over 15) and let me tell you HONEY I have thoughts

You're looking specifically for Spock and Jim, so I'll give you the best books I've read for them, and then also some ones to avoid haha. There are snippets from my yet-to-be-posted reviews under each of them to give a little more insight! I haven't included any plot comments but I'll eventually post my complete reviews if you're curious :)

The Good Stuff

Strangers from the Sky

Absolutely remarkable. A lovely read. Everyone was completely in character the entire time, with COPIOUS amounts of triumvirate content and very good character analysis. Spock and Jim are main, but Bones is also substantial and doesn't leave you feeling like he's been forgotten about. Reallllly good Spirk moments but not in a raunchy way, it's just like Wow They Are Really T'hy'la's, Huh? Also some quality Old Married Spirk content as well!

New Voyages 1

The first of two fanfic-turned-EU-canon complications, and it is chock full of absolute gold in both quality writing and Spirk content. (The original cast members wrote intros/endorsements for the stories, so it's officially approved!) Some stories are not quite as good as the others, but the ones that are good are legendary. Ni Var is my favorite piece of Star Trek writing to date. It's an absolutely beautiful Spock-and-Jim-centric story (yet without leaving Bones behind! He is involved and excellent) that feels both completely believable and utterly heart-wrenching. I will never forget the ending. The Winged Dreamers is another really solid story, with another oft-screenshotted Spirk scene (well-deserved!) and further Spirk throughout, and a good deal of triumvirate content. A natural and poignant read. The Mind-Sifter can be a bit jarring at first, but the payoff (both in general development and with Jim and Spock) as the story progresses, and especially at the end, sets it all to rights. (Really, that ending scene!!!) And finally, The Face on the Barroom Floor is less Spirk (it has one moment but is definitely not a focus), but it's still a pretty decent story.

New Voyages 2

I haven't gotten through this one entirely yet, but the stories I've read are of a similar caliber to those from the first volume, and I would absolutely recommend it as well! It has the excellent Spirk poem Soliloquy along with a charming story from Nichelle Nichols herself that has many notable Spirk moments. I'm sure there are some more gold nuggets in the other stories, too!

Doctor's Orders

The dynamics are largely focused on Bones and Jim or Spock interacting, since Bones is the main character, but there are a few moments where everyone is together, and two VERY notable Spock and Jim moments (even though one of them is actually in a Spock and Bones interaction!! It really showed how deeply Bones understands the both of them, and the bond between them). I loved how the book handled all of their relationships, as each of the characters is undeniably close with both of the others.

Crisis on Centaurus

This one is more subtle from a Jim and Spock perspective, but still has many good moments worked in throughout the story. There's a particularly nice moment at the end that really made me smile. On the whole, the characters are authentic, and everyone gets development and insight; not too much focus is given to one character, and they felt pretty believable. A solid read!

The Not-So-Good Stuff

The Price of the Phoenix

If you're looking for Spirk, you will find it here. This one is so blatantly Spirk that you don't ever have to look for it. In many places, this is handled pretty darn well, but overall, the book felt like slash fanfic after the (excellent) opening section--and nothing against fanfic, but that's not what I was looking for. It distinctly stopped feeling canonical, because of how unbelievable some of the character decisions and situations were. (I then found out that it was in fact originally a slash fiction piece that was revised and then published officially. Its original title was "Never Mourn for Black Omne.") Many scenes made me deeply uncomfortable, and the book largely was just difficult to get through. Overall, I might reread it for the feels at points, but I'm not gonna heavily recommend it if you're looking for a quality Star Trek novel.

Black Fire

This one's a doozy, folks. The characterizations of literally every character are off-base (to say nothing of the utterly wack premise). The first half of the book has the worst-written Spock I have ever read, and the other characters are similarly mishandled (although not quite so extremely). The characterizations do get stronger as the book goes on, but it's not enough to balance out the mistakes of the first half. The Spirk content woven throughout, and more noticably present at the end, does its best, but is ultimately overshadowed by the largely unsatisfying story. (It's also quite easy to read Spock as aroace, and a few scenes specifically bolster that reading, but even that isn't enough for me to like it.) You might give it a try if you want to laugh at how ridiculous it is, but honestly, I found it more frustrating than anything, and I wouldn't recommend it.

I think this oughta give you a decent-enough place to start! Let me know what you think of them (and if there are any stories you think I should read--I am always eager for recommendations, and especially things to review!). And I will eventually publish my full collection of reviews...at some point!

#star trek #responses aka the ramblings of my brain #star trek books #kay reviews the books #star trek tos #spock #jim kirk #bones #bones mccoy #the triumvirate #meta #kind of meta but not really #space husbands #t'hy'la #kay can i just catch my breath for a second #sorry again that it took me soooo long!!!! i really did love getting this ask and am totally down to do more of this kind of thing!!

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buzzykrueger · 3 years

Text

The moment when Gon’s priorities start to change - ch. 64 and 65

While working in my meta of the separation scene (which will take some time still, sorry), I came across these chapters again: 64 and 65. Two of my favorite. As a linguistic and literature student, I’m always trying to catch hints in Togashi’s writing - we know he carefully thinks about each word used. Have a good read and keep in mind is just a thought - and the dialogues and panels chosen to be showed in here are meaningful. This is not a deep research with theory references, but just some of the various examples of how artistic and textual strategies work in Hunter x Hunter, that they are not random and how even the slightest changing of words and switching perspectives can impact the story in order to provoke a reaction, meaning something to the audience, leading us to a way.

Anyways.

The boys had just finished the Heaven’s Arena, with tons of hints of how they would bond more and more, for example, Killua wanting to evolve with Gon in the same pace regarding both the Floors and the Nen training. The scene where Killua and Gon are meditating together, Killua getting more protective of Gon, as they soon become a pair.

They take a short well deserved break: it’s time to visit Whale Island. After all, Gon came to Kukuroo Mountain, and Killua wants to recollect what is home to Gon, too. Fair enough, it’s how I understand he’s self-inviting.

When they arrive. we are introduced to the fact that Gon, someone who deeply cares about his family, hasn’t called once since he passed the Exam. Of course, he got extremely focused on rescuing Killua and then training with him in the Arena, getting distracted. Not that he doesn’t care about Mito or anything, but he’s found something that kept his focus real heard. And Mito imagines what it is.

Their dialogue and her glance right after that hint why she can’t even be angry at Gon - because she’s not looking at him, only. Every time it would make sense to show only Gon but we get to see Killua by his side, too, is a visual message to the readers. Mito could’ve only looked at Gon, ‘cause she just met Killua and he’s not related to her. But she observes the meaning of his presence, even if Gon does not say it.

The star gazing scene, one of the most important in the story and something we are very familiar with so, sorry to bring it up again - I know you all must be tired of seeing the same panels (but I adore it and I will keep using it). It starts with scenery that are important memories of Gon’s life when he was alone, now bringing a new meaning to them, someone to share with: Killua.

When Killua approached Gon’s plans from now on, and after getting his answer, he questions what he should do. Gon says that he should come with him.

And here is another example how a simple choice of words - not only the words itself, but the timing when they’re said and the position, the “breath” between then, or even their absence - can mean so much as fantastic and complex storytelling strategies. Because Gon only gets to know that Killua, actually, doesn’t have any plan AFTER he asks him to join. He’s not asking because Killua don’t have it - he didn’t know that before he asked - but because he wants him to stick together. This is why it’s important that this request was said and showed before Killua elaborates on his feelings, so we can know that it’s not because “since you have nothing to do”. And fun fact: Killua is the only friend that Gon actually insists to not leave. The chapter when Kurapika and Leorio head to their goals, Gon just said “oh, already? - okay, see you/good luck/something like that”, with a honest smile. And I know Gon says “see you around” to Killua at the separation scene, but it’s also the first time he's shown unsatisfied with this decision, not smiling at all, implying he’s not okay.

Continuing, its Gon putting Killua in a place that no other belongs. It’s a re-signification of Killua, Gon’s favorite places, his home and their future - everything starts to change and take form to the audience.

To Gon, it’s about sticking together because they like hanging out. This is the main reason for his request, since it’s the first thing he says about it - and further he adds their individual reasons, to be more convincing, but the core is what it is.

As we know, Mito overheard everything, specially the moment when they start to compliment her and Gon says she is his real mother. Then, later, we have chapter 65, now a re-signification of Gon’s relationship with Ging and Mito.

After accidentally hearing his words, we can interpret that she’s not that insecure anymore about losing Gon to his new found career. It was bittersweet when Gon left, after all “he is indeed his son”. But she realizes he’s different from Ging - he comes back, he values her, he could be in search of something he doesn’t have like news from his biological mom but instead, he chooses to embrace what he does have. Gon can’t even imagine how impactful his reassuring words were, and it’s also a opportunity for Mito to let out the resent on Ging and the Hunters, giving place to finally trust Gon.

And she tells him what the absence of Ging means to her. How she got hurt, but still wanted to have him around. And that’s when Gon takes Ging out of his place in his heart: it’s time to put him in his true place and make space for those who stay: Mito and Killua.

We don’t need to give titles and special places to those who are undeserved of it and should just perform a specific role in our lives as we let them. Mito herself craved for Ging’s attention, always running after him, seeing him only by his back, hiding/missing just for him to come to her aid. Gon realizes that it’s what he’s doing - he does not have someone to call a father, because Ging never make up to this title. He downgrades Ging to the same person Mito knew.

And now, even if he still feels the urge to prove Ging he’s not weak and undeserved of attention, company and worth, he definitely is not the same person and does not want to be. Ging is not the “dad who I want to follow the same steps” anymore. And then, we go back to Killua:

“But Bea, what does this have to do with Killua? We’re only seeing Mito and Gon there!” Actually not! We’re seeing Killua too, but not physically. We get to connect Killua to this scene by a simple line Gon said one chapter before, about Killua’s meaning to his life:

To Gon, it’s enough just to know this answer. Why? This line is VERY specific, literally the same thing he said to Killua in the previous chapter. He chose to bring it to table. It’s a soft - and literary - way to say his priority changed and to connect Killua to his objective. He reclaims Mito as his real mother, downgrades Ging AND shows what it comes first at his mind now - wanting to know if Ging had the same thing he has with Killua, stating his friend’s importance. “Look, Ging, how far I got. Who I took with me. Did you have this?”

And this could easily be sided with the end of Greed Island, when Gon says the first thing he’ll do when finding Ging is to introduce Killua. ‘Cause in his main goal now, the first things that come up to his mind aren’t being just like Ging and reunite with him anymore - it’s the “friend around my age”, it’s “Killua” and everything that refers to him. It changed. Gon was behind something he didn’t have, his father presence and some pride, and comes back with something even better he didn’t have either: a true friendship, who wants to be there and assure his worth.

And for me, that is the reason Togashi ends Mito and Gon’s conversation with a specific panel, not of them, not with a picture of Ging, not with the sky only... but with this:

Killua. A person not mentioned in their dialogue directly, and someone who’s not family and isn’t in the same room as them. But that is there, respecting his privacy with Mito. This is there for us to catch. It’s not a direct exchange between Gon and Killua, they’ll still do it in their way, because its meant for us: when two characters are not showed together in the same situation/moment, but are referred directly or indirectly, it’s a writing choice that means “it’s for you, the readers, to connect this.”

Togashi could've never put the “did he have friends his age?” line that wouldn’t make a difference - we would go with this Gon “new approach on Ging” because of how Mito feels, and would be satisfying enough. But the author, with this sentence used in the previous chapter and this panel, it’s reclaiming the audience to catch Gon’s new focus and remind us of Killua, that he’s there, relaxed, patient - and does not intend to leave.

EDIT: I truly think Mito will play a major role in the realization of Gon’s feelings. She’s, since the beginning, an important person and a cog who makes his significations move, first subconsciously, now more actively - but I’ll elaborate more on that in future posts.

Not deep, not a serious research, but something fun to elaborate that is implied in text, i’m used to catch this stuff and seeing by this perspective by dealing with literature classes on a daily basis. Does not mean I’m an expert or that I’m right, but that is something I’m quite sure its on purpose. Hope you all enjoyed!

#hxh #hunter x hunter #meta #hxh meta #killua #gon #ging freecss

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telehxhtrash · 4 years

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I can't fucking stop thinking about Koala Man's speech, and how it probably parallels Gon's situation and foreshadows his future character development.

Koala Man's speech talks about how he used to be a hitman, got reborn as an ant and got stuck in the same cycle again : having to kill people. His entire speech focuses on how life is a cycle that repeats the same pattern, and that his rebirth put him in the same situations again, but that he wants to change. Something inside him is telling him that he has to break the cycle. That he has to stop repeating the same pattern, stop doing the same mistakes. He has to be different.

Koala Man's speech boils down to him emphasizing that he realized he wasn't reborn to repeat the same mistakes and that he wants to break the pattern. He feels like he has to change.

Right after this speech conveniently enters Gon. Gon, who got reborn too, apologizes to Kite and promises to do things different next time. He promises he'll break the pattern.

I think the most interesting thing is that Koala Man's speech highlights the idea of "repeating the same cycle" and doing things over again, which.... Definitely applies to Gon.

Gon is back on Whale Island, back to the start, back to square one. He has no more nen and Killua left his side. He's literally back to the same spot he was at the beginning of the manga.

But it's a second chance, a clean start, the occasion to start anew and fix all the wrongs he made.

And with Koala Man's speech in mind, and the fact that Gon was reborn and is back to literal square one, back to the start of something new, with more journeys yet to come.... It's making me believe that, just like the panel above says, Gon might have to do things all over again, go through the same events again, hit the same milestones again but in a way that will showcase that he's willing to break the pattern and that he's trying to change. Because something is telling him he has to stop repeating the same mistakes.

The fact that Gon is literally back to the same place he was in chapter 1 of the manga really makes me think that the events that will come next will parallel what Gon already went through. In my very, very subjective opinion, I think it will also revolve around the lesson that Gon learned : that he found something more important along the way. That the true meaning of his journey lies in the people he met and the family he found, and that now, he will act in a way that shows he’s learned this valuable lesson.

With that in mind, I feel like there are multiple big milestones surrounding this that Gon might have to go through again, but that will be done differently this time.

• Meeting Killua again, but this time, it's a clean start, they won't repeat the same mistakes of co-dependency, they'll try their best to have a healthy relationship because they learned from their past mistakes.

• Promising to stay together under the night sky, and maybe, this time something will be different, something that will make them both realize that this time they'll do everything to keep that goal in mind. (meteor shower confession?)

• The honeymoon phase paralleling Greed Island, where everything is fine and Killua and Gon's relationship is blossoming and they're both happy together, but maybe this time, they'll truly be happy and there'll be no underlying sense of pressure and self sacrifice.

• The tragic de*th of a loved one, paralleling Chimera Ant Arc and Gon losing Kite. I already wrote a short post about this, but I truly, truly believe that this is the reason Gotoh d*ed. I believe this time, it won't be Gon going through the same thing, but Killua. And I think they'll face it together, in a way that will showcase that they both learned from their past mistakes, and that they're changing and growing, together.

• And finally, a scene paralleling Gon sitting on the World Tree with Ging, but just as Ging emphasized that time that there were things more important laying in Gon's little detours, this scene might be rightened by having Gon sitting on top of the World Tree with the little detours - his found family, rather than the unsatisfying goal he was chasing - Ging.

Having all of Gon's milestones paralleled in a way that reflects his growth would be amazing symbolism, and with Koala Man's speech clearly paralleling Gon's situation, I really, really think that Gon is meant to follow the same journey all over again, but with the intent of changing.

To further comfort me in my belief, there's this amazing meta post that highlights that HxH's story is probably built like a Möbius strip, an infinite loop, and it makes sense considering that the Möbius strip is a big part of the Dark Continent lore.

That post highlights that basically every main character in the manga is back to where we first saw them : Gon is back on Whale Island, Kurapika & Leorio are on a boat, Killua once again defied his family and ran away with Alluka.... The current arc is also a parallel of the Hunter Exam : a literal battle royale, where people have to fight to de*th to earn a title.

HxH seems to repeat itself but enter a new cycle, and it would make sense for the future arcs to reflect the past cycle and parallel past situations. And like Koala Man emphasized... A new cycle can be broken. If you have to go through the same events again, it means that you have to change. It means that you have to break the pattern. And I believe this will apply mostly to Gon, but all of the main 4 might go through the same main similar events they already went through. With Koala Man highlighting the idea of hitting rock bottom, being reborn, faced with the same situations and choosing to act differently, why not push the interpretation a little more ?

• Gon has already been reborn, and might be faced with situations where he showcases he's not self destructive anymore.

• Killua has already been reborn too, when he ripped out the needle and walked away from Gon, and he might be faced with a situation where he can showcase he's not self-sacrificing anymore.

• Gon and Killua might have to face the de*th of a loved one together.

• Kurapika still has to hit rock bottom and be reborn, but once he is, he might have to face the Phantom Troupe again (just like in YN arc) and choose to not follow the path of revenge this time and move on in a healthy way.

• Leorio also has yet to hit rock bottom, and he might have to witness the de*th of a loved one, just like when Pietro d*ed. But if Kurapika is literally reborn, he might choose to break the pattern and swear to do whatever it takes to actively keep an eye on him (even though Kurapika wouldn’t look for revenge anymore).

I guess my point is, with HxH's story reflecting a cycle, all the characters back to square one and the current arc reflecting the Hunter Exam - emphasized by the Möbius Strip lore -, and Koala Man's speech emphasizing on doing things over and over again until you choose to change.... I'm deeply convinced that Gon will go through the same milestones, the same parallel situations that will display his will to change, heal and grow.

I also think this idea can be applied to Kurapika, Leorio and Killua. Them being put through the same cycle but breaking the pattern of repetition would represent how much they've grown and how much they're willing to change. Parallel situations but with slightly different turn of events would be a wonderful way to show how they're healing from trauma.

Because yes, the cycle is repeating, but they can break it.

(ty to Nix for explaining to me what Koala Man’s speech was about !!!)

#hxh #hxh meta #meta #my meta #thoughts #predictions #i hope this was clear my brain is mush i feel like this is so messy HAHAHAHAHA

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viatorix · 2 years

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Uhhhhh 43 30 and like 22 for the naruto ask meme

22. favorite ninja weapon

Sakumo's chakra tanto, hands down, because Sakumo and white chakra cool.

30. what dumb thing would iruka sensei yell at you for in class?

Drawing and not paying attention most likely. I mean, that's what happened at regular school.

43. what are the three things that bother you the most about the series? BUT! for each complaint, you must also list something you would praise the series for

BAD SO BAD

-THE ENDING. Oh my god. What the fuck was that. Such a disappointment after keeping up with the manga for years and to not only have the ending be a giant slog but just... not good. Narratively speaking -- plot, characterisation, choices (aliens? ALIENS???) etc. I'm not exaggerating when I say I literally only read the ending at the time for Kakashi and Obito.

-I was deeply unsatisfied that the manga/anime lost sight of its themes after Part 1. Hard work? Changing a prejudiced , violent, and cruel system? Nah bro. Shippuden was a slow fall off a cliff and just became about flashy power upgrades rather than the much more grounded feeling of Part 1. I mean, by the end, Naruto and Sasuke practically became demi gods throwing around raw power. Where's the finesse? Where's the smart tactics and actual ninja-ing? It became a manga/show about wizards in Shippuden. I would argue that Kakashi is the only main character that brings an actual NINJA vibe. He's one of the only characters that actually remained and felt grounded, even at the end. Even with having a Mangekyou and Kamui, in large part thanks to his chakra reserves. When he was hurt, he was hurt, when he was tired he was tired. Lol, Kakashi might have actually been one of the most believably human characters out of the main cast.

-The fucking Sharingan. In Part 1, it was a rare and good Dojutsu equivalent to the Byakugan, it was good and a bit OP but relatively grounded. In Shippuden? Super Duper Powerful Godly Super Cool Eye that has a bazillion different powers and can summon a fucking CHAKRA MECHA? I didn't (and don't) mind the Mangekyou, provided, it has reasonable limitations. But then suddenly everyone and their grandma had this rare evolution of the Sharingan that before only Madara/Izuna had activated after centuries. And the limitations regarding overuse and blindness just... practicality disappeared and had no narrative impact.

-The writing of the female characters. I don't think I need to elaborate.

GOOD SHIT

-I love the aesthetic and just general vibe of the series? It's just cool. It made pre-teen me really excited and hyped and just giddy. It still does. Thinking about Nart gives me the warm fuzzies.

-Hatake Kakashi is the greatest 2D anime man ever created and I won't hear otherwise. His character - looks, personality, narrative growth is fantastic and I love him.

-I think the jutsu are really cool and I do like the magic system. I absolutely memorised the jutsu hand signs as a kid. Don't ask me to do them now.

-Bit of a cop out of an answer but I really enjoy the potential for different interpretation and fanfiction. There's a reason why there's like over 100,000 naruto fanfics across different sites. It's a really fun sandbox to play in and read about.

#naruto

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iturbide · 3 years

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the fact that edelgard is the villain in 3/4 routes and yet intsys STILL glorifies her to no end enrages and annoys me. no other villain has been given that perspective of “well actually maybe they arent so bad” except for the hypocritical tyrant. even when she has *literally become an inhuman monster* intsys is still like “oh no dont worry she was right actually!” and it upsets me deeply

It upsets me, too, friend. IntSys seems to really like glorifying people who don’t deserve it, especially in recent games (Walhart in Awakening, Rudolf in Echoes -- I can’t say if his whole ‘orchestrating a plan to have his son murder him’ thing is carry-over from Gaiden or not, but it definitely exists in the recent remake so I’m including it), but Edelgard actually ends up as a bit of a weird case.

(I have a lot of thoughts about this, so I’m just going to cut preemptively.)

Now, I’m actually not opposed to Edelgard being the protagonist of the fourth route in Three Houses. Anyone who’s been here a while knows that I generally see Grima, a figure that IntSys generally tries to paint as a rote villain, as at least a sympathetic villain (and possibly even a secret hero in the events of Awakening itself); it’s entirely possible for someone that’s a villain in most of their appearances to have legitimate reasons for what they’re doing and why, and revealing that in their personal route could be incredibly powerful if done well.

And here’s the thing: Edelgard really is a compelling character, in large part because of her moral ambiguity. I actually agree with her when she says that the Church of Seiros is corrupt at its core and the system needs to change. She’s right about that! While Seiros might have had decent reasons for establishing things this way, over the past thousand years human societies have changed while the church itself remained stagnant -- something potentially exacerbated by her selfish ambition to restore her mother -- and this has led to a structure that once served an important purpose becoming a toxic and destructive mess for humanity at large. Edelgard has a completely valid point there, and it’s something that I could absolutely get on board with if she had gone about achieving change in some other way, because she does have other methods available to her that she writes off without real reason -- and even that can relate back in part to her deep trauma and difficulty trusting people after the betrayals she faced at the hands of her “uncle” and her own father’s powerlessness to stop the nightmare she and her siblings suffered through.

IntSys probably could have crafted a narrative that showed from her perspective why she believed war against the Church was the only valid option available to her. The issue is that she undercuts her own argument by targeting all of Fodlan, rather than specifically going after the Church: she doesn’t give the Kingdom and Alliance a “stay out of my way or else” warning, she literally turns her sights on the Kingdom as soon as the monastery falls and attempts to fully annex it once Cornelia sets up Dimitri’s fall, leaving the Alliance only because she has her hands full with Faerghus. She didn’t have to take Cornelia up on her offer of making the Kingdom into the Dukedom of Faerghus and sending troops to finish the job: she could have just left the woman to her own devices, forcing the Twisted to utilize their own people to maintain and secure full control of the region while she worked on addressing the systemic issues, which would have had multiple benefits:

The Imperial Army doesn’t get overwhelmed and exhausted fighting in conditions they’re not equipped to deal with, leaving them stronger overall while the Twisted forces are potentially weakened by the same

Hubert is able to better assess the threat they’re dealing with, including learning their capabilities and possibly even where they’re coming from before Merceus

Edelgard actually puts her money where her mouth is and ends up helping the people she claims to be doing this for, rather than just using them as fodder for the war to grind up

Unfortunately, the way she’s written ends up just making her an imperialist. She’s not just going after the corrupt core of the Church, she’s trying to forcibly unite the continent and return Fodlan to some long gone ideal where it was all united under the Imperial banner because she refuses to believe that Adrestia could have split by natural causes.

Crimson Flower ultimately ends up being a particularly egregious example of this glorification phenomenon in action because they give her a personal route that makes no effort to critically examine her actions and make her face consequences for them. This, I think, does her a massive disservice as a character, because that aforementioned moral ambiguity that makes her so interesting could have been utilized to great effect -- and the proof is actually there already, because they do it in Dimitri’s route.

Dimitri is himself another interesting character, and outwardly presents as Edelgard’s polar opposite: he recognizes that he doesn’t have all the answers, struggles to figure out the correct course of action when presented with difficult subjects that have no clear-cut answer -- like the fact that reliance on the Crest system is toxic for noble families, but it’s those very Crest-bearers and their Relics that help keep Faerghus safe from invasion by Sreng -- possesses incredible strength but specifically refrains using it in most cases to avoid harming others, and generally takes everyone’s problems onto himself to his own detriment. He’s also deeply traumatized and was never given a chance to deal with it in a healthy manner, which contributes to how he snaps -- and Azure Moon starts with Dimitri being so far out of reach that you can’t unlock any of his supports and can’t even engage with him in the weekly discussions. He’s lost himself to his survivor’s guilt and need for vengeance, considers himself to be nothing more than a monster, and has no qualms about killing if it helps advance his quest; as the story progresses, he faces a direct consequence for this murderous inclination in the form of Fleche who attempts to exact vengeance for her brother’s sake in the same way that he’s attempting to claim it for his family and friends -- only to lose Rodrigue, and have his dying words be a plea for Dimitri to live for himself rather than those who died before him, at which point Dimitri sets his sights on opposing Edelgard rather than killing her and seeing to atone for the crimes he committed. While I think the game made the change a little too abrupt, it’s handled well overall, and shows a real development arc complete with both actions and their associated consequences that directly relate to Dimitri’s growth as a person.

Contrast this to Edelgard in general and Crimson Flower as a route. Edelgard believes that she has all the answers despite not trying to engage with anyone outside her own House, decisively chooses what she believes to be the right and proper course of action regardless of how difficult the subject matter, possesses great strength (both physically and of sheer will) that she uses to dominate others, and forces others to join her in addressing what she sees as problems -- such as her line about making her own people into “worthy sacrifices” for her “higher cause.” Crimson Flower is the only route where her attack on the monastery fails to capture Rhea, but once Byleth returns she sets her sights on attacking and subjugating a territory that has remained entirely neutral through the past five years, turns on the Twisted while she’s still in a vulnerable position which ultimately causes the deaths of at least a third of the forces she left at Arianrhod once they fire their warning shot, lies to her friends and allies about what happened there, murders her step-brother, and allows a city full of trapped civilians to burn unchecked while she deals with what she considers to be the “real” threat on the opposite side of the Faerghus capital -- and all of this is capped off with her never dealing with the Twisted, and cute little endcards that talk about how everything worked out fine and there were no problems ever, The End. Edelgard doesn’t get a development arc in her route: she’s never challenged, she never faces real consequences (and the one she does face she literally lies about to her friends and then leaves as a problem to deal with later), and she pretty much ends the game exactly where she started it: completely assured that she made the right choices. The moral ambiguity inherent in her character is instead cast as “of course she’s in the right, she’s so great and there’s nothing at all wrong with what she’s doing or how she’s going about it, isn’t she wonderful?”

At least in the main game, Hegemon Husk Edelgard is treated with real gravity, shown as the pinnacle of her drive to see her ambition come to fruition and the tragic consequence of her inability to change course and find another path. The Forging Bonds event just takes the CF brush and paints her actions as the right ones, even though what made her so compelling is that her reasons were right while her methods were horrific. Edelgard really could have been wonderful. The potential is right there in her character. But IntSys completely botched the execution of it, so that her route feels rushed, incomplete, and at best unsatisfying (or, if you’re me, utterly disgusting for how it glorifies imperialistic conquest), and her Heroes appearances only make it worse.

#answered #anonymous #fire emblem: three houses #edelcourse #look i really do find edelgard to be interesting #i just find intsys' execution of her character to be utterly terrible #and fandom at large has kind of made it worse #i'm just going to keep the nuance and explore the real consequences #and write a ton of fanfiction to that effect

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wombathos · 4 years

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ugh one of the most annoying arguments I’ve seen against redeeming [insert controversial villain of your choice] is that they’ve already rejected redemption and it’s like… I struggle to argue against it because I’m on an entirely different wavelength? for me, a villain experiencing a moment of doubt and then doubling down on making the wrong choices isn’t a sign that this choice is going to stick, it’s a sign the story isn’t finished yet

it’s just a truly bizarre argument to me because these are the people who are usually also the ones who think that redemption should be ‘hard work’ and a ‘painful journey’ and redemption starts with a choice, so why the fuck should the choice be easy? essentially it’s uprooting a character’s entire identity, if they switched the first time anyone mentioned ‘hey you could be a hero!’ they weren’t too deeply tied to their villainy and I’m not sure that’s a compelling arc. and given how much people love to wank on about zuko, just for the record that ‘classic redemption arc’ or whatever involved a pretty fucking big moment of rejecting a season long set-up for a redemption arc that almost got the main character killed

actually I really love the period post-rejection because a lot of the time you end up with an absolutely miserable villain, which is where I live, really. like… they had a choice to get out, they didn’t, and now they have to grapple with evil just being unsatisfying to them - or, even if it’s outwardly satisfying, still not being able to make their peace with it. again, it’s an arc, if we’re showing a gradual progression from one side to the other I feel like at least one backslide is probably warranted, and the more the better frankly

also, it’s relatable? the cycle of doing harm isn’t actually broken particularly easily, like… comparing villainy to mental illness is a whole rabbit’s hole I don’t have the time or energy to dive into but the parallels that can be drawn in committing harm to others from a place/as a result of hurt, the... very relatable idea of not accepting the help one could, whether it’s because you don’t want to or because you’re just… too tired, it’s almost like inertia keeping you in place, draining you enough to make it impossible to make the big plunge and actually accept change. and that concept - the inertia of villainy - is one I feel like definitely pops up in a few redemptive narratives and I like it

also also last point but the whole thing of ‘but the hero offered it to them once!! and they didn’t take it!! game over!!!’ and the idea that the hero would be an idiot to keep trying, or it’s not their ‘job’, or the villain’s ‘had their chance’ or even this idea that, okay the villain can be redeemed but no way should the hero be involved, it has to be the villain’s own doing and… ugh it makes me tired. for me, a crucial aspect of heroism is compassion. when you replace that with this weird sense of complete self-responsibility for villains, like they wouldn’t need to have a supportive network to facilitate change and they need to drag themselves out from the pit, it’s bad?? (this kind of rhetoric is particularly distasteful when the villain is also an abuse-victim)

just... must we pretend like there’s a dichotomy of ‘hero has to forgive everything villain has done all the time and must be the one to single-handedly save the villain’ and ‘hero needs to give up on villain entirely, they’re on their own now’ and not… maybe a little nuance, as a treat, where the hero can continue demonstrating compassion and it’s seen as a strength within the narrative and continuing to believe in them especially if they have close emotional ties to the villain, while obviously recognising that the villain’s redemption involves reclaiming agency for themselves and choosing to make their own choices and stop doing harm. the only thing that makes a villain irredeemable is if they choose to be... and redemption is a series of choices, not just a singular moment

#moment of rejection and inertia of villainy are concepts i think about a lot because they really speak to me #anyway here is a rant #also what's up with this obsession with hard journeys and punishment and responsibility for yourself #is it an american thing #like to be clear i also enjoy tough journeys and villains hurting but some people are obsessed with this idea of 'oh you hurt people #now SUFFERRRRRR forever' and it's like? are you going to snipe them down if they smile once or??#it's like angel's soul leaving him when he has sex but like the entirety of the discourse - if you do wrong you must feel GUILT and FOREVER #if we want to talk of fiction affecting reality maybe that's one to think about *gestures vaguely at all of the us*#it's like constantly referring to hero as a 'job'#what is redeeming villains - like your unpaid overtime or...#but those are entirely different rants #redemption arcs #villain blogging #fuck the villain police #leela's lukewarm takes #txt

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mooglesorts · 3 years

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man. it's weird, because there's a lot of things about me that are Very Badger Primary, to the point where i would probably pick it with a strong bird model over anything else at this point... except that i hate dehumanization. i saw primaries described recently as 'things you wouldn't be you anymore if you went against,' and more than just about anything else that's it. even when i think people are monsters, i can't see them as not human; i'd be hard put to define exactly what i consider a 'monster,' but it's more about like. good faith than personhood, i suppose?

it's not necessarily a permanent status to be one--people can change--but my deeply held instinct is that once you have done something monstrous you will always be a person who has been a monster by your own choices, and that it's your duty to learn how to accept that while still living your life, and act accordingly from thereon out. you have to reconcile that you are a person with the fact that some doors are closed to you now, and it's up to you to decide what you do from there.

just. like. even when i hate someone and as far as i'm concerned they can go fuck themself, even in the multiple Heavily Badger social environments i've been in over the course of my life--church, progressive circles, the way the structure of the internet kind of just affects you in general--even on occasions where i've gotten swept away and given in to the pressure to dehumanize (or perform it) for a minute, there's always, always been a voice in the back of my head saying this is a person. this is a person. this is a person. this isn't right.

unintentional dehumanization sets off my '...should we really be doing this? we are getting into not good territory here, it's time to pull up and start questioning' alarms. explicit, intentional, purposeful dehumanization sets off the whole ass tornado sirens. if people on my side are doing it it's enough to throw me into a system-destabilizing crisis, because NO NO NO I WANT TO GET OFF THIS RIDE, I WANT NO PART OF THESE PEOPLE'S MORAL SYSTEM, I FEEL UNCLEAN. it's a good way to make sure i will never, ever, ever trust someone again.

things that are Really Really Badger, off the top of my head (after the cut because Long and trauma talk):

[[MORE]]

---

-i've always loved playing adoptable games, pet simulators, etc? any game with randomly generated characters that are Yours Now and a Community, in a deeply badgery way. including games where they can die (the satisfying part is making sure they don't). except that, no matter how much fun the gameplay is, if it gets to the point where they start feeling disposable, and the only way to really keep playing is to stop humanizing them, i lose interest. it's super fucking depressing. it feels like part of me dying inside a little. i don't like it at all.

-i've always been drawn to fandoms and roleplaying communities. i was fiercely loyal to, and proud of, my first rp community on dragoncave as a 13-year-old. when my abusive mom found out about it and completely isolated me for half a year, the promise of being able to make it back to them--just sneakier this time--kept me going; when i finally got back and the group had drifted apart in my absence, it.... was absolutely devastating. i never really recovered from it. even then, i spent years trying to get the group back together every now and then, until i finally gave up.

-i am always keenly, painfully aware of the life cycle of a community. every time i hear the sentiment 'you guys are all great and i love this group' my stomach drops, because i know it's only a matter of time before things go sour or the group dissolves. rp groups, skype chats/discord servers, fandoms, you name it, i am always bracing myself or staying away entirely to avoid the inevitable and it hurts. and it hurts to see people taking part in a community i don't dare be part of, which makes lurking in fandoms... really rough. frankly, it takes me a lot of courage every time i express my appreciation for the shc community because i've been burned so many times.

-on that note: i went through some really traumatic stuff at the end of 2020 that completely turned my life upside down, and i was doing bad until i stumbled across the shc community. the moment i started engaging, it was a huge boost to my mental health, and my ability to cope with circumstances under which i was about to break down spectacularly. and it has been ever since! contributing to The Group Project and seeing other folks being friendly with each other gives me the happy feelings.

-i used to go out of my way to build and run spaces, mainly fandom and rp spaces, and took a lot of pride in engineering them so that they Functioned Well. unfortunately it wore me the hell down over the years for Burnt Badger Reasons, and now i'm too jaded, bitter, and exhausted to give a shit about being a mod/community leader anymore because of it lmao

-among those burnt badger things i relate HARD to the Red Ledger narrative. hoo boy.

-i wish i could find it again, but there was an mlp comic i saw once which went into luna's observations of what each element of harmony Means. with the element of friendship, she says that twilight has a massive amount of love to give; right now it's all focused on celestia, but when she learns to expand it outward she'll have grown into her full potential as a person, and she'll change the world. that struck a chord with how i used to feel, hard, and it's really stuck with me ever since. (hello, unhealthy snake model)

-emphasis on 'used to feel,' lmao

-got super invested in a really toxic '''mental health''' community at a low point in my life; exploded HARD trying to help everyone i could; got into vicious, protracted fights with the shitty mods for years about the harmful way they ran their community until i finally managed to go 'fuck this it's not getting better' and leave.

-had to numb myself emotionally to the people around me for a long time once i really started learning about mental health and trauma stuff, because now i was seeing signs of their pain and baggage everywhere i looked, and i couldn't handle not being able to help.

-the imagery with which i think about my bird primary is overwhelmingly negative. whether it's my actual primary or a model, i uh. i feel like a healthy relationship to one's primary doesn't involve associating it with gore.

-i saw a conversation recently about how birds think of morality in terms of 'if you can, you should,' and how that's scary for badgers because their definition of 'can' involves destroying yourself for the sake of that 'should,' and... yeah, that's a mood. that's a BIG mood. thinking about bird primary stuff is hard--and i had to pick up my lion model to deal with it--because it's so easy for me to spiral into a self-shredding spiral of other people are counting on you to do the right thing, how dare you pull back for your own health and sanity. how dare you turn your back for even a minute. how dare you rest. the work is never done.

which is... a very exploded badger approach to exploded bird morality. whoops.

-fix-it and time travel fiction in which Everything Went Right This Time and It's Going to Be Okay are one of my very favorite self-indulgent fantasies. i will enjoy putting characters through the wringer in all kinds of creatively horrific ways which may or may not end on a downer note, certainly, i love that shit, but i will also 90% of the time have a backup version of the arc or dynamic that's softer and lighter and Actually Healthy This Time. it's the dichotomy there that really gets me tbh, a story where Everything Ends Happily by default will mmmaybe pull me in? but stories where there's the constant shadow of this could end horribly, it's supposed to end horribly, and we got a happy fucking ending anyway are just... that shit will make me cry, man.

it's also why i kind of really hate stable time loop stories where it initially looks like this is going to be The Good Timeline this time around, but OOPSIE everything went to shit anyway! we're right back where we started, just like it was meant to be all along! it's a tired cliche by this point and an unsatisfying one for me, and it makes me roll my eyes every time.

-this is relevant to the bird vs. badger because like... my gut instinct is to prioritize people over systems. when shit hits the fan, when someone's fallen into the machinery and is about to get hurt, i don't feel right about it if i just let it happen. i'll break the machinery if i have to to keep it away from them; i won't feel great about that, and it might cause problems, but fuck it, we'll figure it out later. throwing people into the gears of a system when i'm convinced it's the only option makes me feel Awful.

-related to the above, another trope that really speaks to me in fiction is when a character defies the rules of reality through sheer force of will. no, this is not happening, i don't give a shit what the limits are supposed to be. i refuse to let this be the way things are. (there's that lion model.)

-i've just kind of... always wanted to be an Everyone Badger. it makes me sad how much of that i've lost over the years as i've gotten more cynical, but it's what i wish i could be.

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doubtless i'll think of more the moment i hit send, and there are just as many things about me that are Super Bird Primary, but like... mamma mia that's some spicy badger. the main thing stopping me is the Can't and Refuse to Dehumanize bit. i also... hm. i think i can function okay without a community? they just help a lot, and it sucks when i'm confronted with one i don't have a (stable) place in. any thoughts? is it possible for a bird system's foundation to run so deep that eventually it overrides the bird?

#shc #sortinghatchats #sorting hat chats #badger primary #bird primary #burned badger primary #exploded badger primary #exploded bird primary #burned houses #exploded houses #abuse cw #gore implied cw #moogle hat talks

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