#and i think the other adventures are in the legends of river song

[thesongandthesunset]

It's kinda funny how one of the very few ""official"" 11/River solo adventures is the eternity clock lol.

that game surely was something

Also it had River in the catsuit

[adventure-showdown]

What has been nominated so far

Note, just because something has been nominated, and so is listed here, does not mean it will be included, I will include the absolute most I can but if I can't find it on TARDIS wiki its not getting in because i can't verify its a piece of who media

Also note, there might be some mistakes on here, I'm copying the nominations across directly, there might be some stories that are listed twice without me realising, because of alternate titles, or I just didn't spot it, or stuff that was spelt wrong when it was nominated, feel free to tell me

I've done my best to spot when nominations of a series were intended to enter the individual parts rather than the series as a unit, if I've got this wrong let me know and I will fix it. (if a story is on one line its currently being considered as a unit)

Final note, a couple of things got nominated under multiple mediums, usually full length TV story and minisode, so if you can't find your nomination, maybe check one of the other mediums

You can make further nominations here, there are basically no limits so long as its set in the Whoniverse (or its about Doctor Who, eg An Adventure in Space and Time or The 5 (ish) Doctors Reboot)

the list is under the cut (I will endeavour to keep it up to date)

Audio

Main Range

The Marian Conspiracy

The Apocalyse Element

The Shadow of the Scourge

The Holy Terror

Storm Warning

Minuet in Hell

Loups-Garoux

The Chimes of Midnight

Seasons of Fear

The Time of the Daleks

Jubilee

Neverland

Spare Parts

Creatures of Beauty

Doctor Who and the Pirates

Omega

Master (Main Range 49)

Zagreus

Scherzo

The Natural History of Fear

Arrangements for War

The Harvest

Faith Stealer

Caerdroia

Terror Firma

Singularity

Other Lives

The Kingmaker

The Girl Who Never Was

The Condemned

The Doomwood Curse

The Magic Mousetrap

The Company of Friends: Benny's Story

The Company of Friends: Fitz's Stroy

The Company of Friends: Izzy's Story

The Company of Friends: Mary's Story

A Death in the Family

Robophobia

The Silver Turk

1963: The Assassination Games

The Widow's Assassin

Dalek Soul

The Grey Man of the Mountain

The Eighth Doctor Adventures

The Blood of the Daleks

Horror of Glam Rock

Immortal Beloved

Phobos

No More Lies

Human Resources

To the Death

Doom Coalition

The Eleven

The Red Lady

The Galileo Trap

The Gift

The Sonomancer

Absent Friends

The Eighth Piece

The Doomsday Chronometer

The Crucible of Souls

Ship in a Bottle

Songs of Love

The Side of the Angels

Stop the Clock

Ravenous

Escape from Kaldor

Better Watch Out/Fairytale in Salzburg

Companion Piece

Day of the Master

Stranded

Stranded as a Whole (I think, I couldn't find a story called Stranded)

UNIT Dating

What Lies Inside

Paradox of the Daleks

Connections

Here Lies Drax

The Love Vampires

Albie's Angels

Special Releases

Living Legend

Out of Time

Out of Time (individual story)

Wink

The Companion Chronicles

Solitaire

Peri and the Piscon Paradox

The Cold Equations

The Last Post

The Scorchies

The Tenth Doctor Adventures

Death and the Queen

The Sword of the Chevalier

No Place

The Creeping Death

The Tenth Doctor and River Song

Expiry Dating

Ghosts

Once and Future

The Martian Invasion of Planetoid 50

The Diary of River Song

The Bekdel Test

The Lost Stories

The Queen of Time

Paradise 5

The Elite

Short Trips

I am the Master

Forever Fallen

A Full Life

Bernice Summerfield

Oh No It Isn't

The Faction Paradox Protocols

The Eleven Day Empire/The Shadow Play

Torchwood

The Last Beacon

Serenity

Rhys and Ianto's Excellent Barbecue

Gallifrey

Square One

First Days of Phaidon

Gallifrey IV

Warfare

Unity

Missy

A Spoonful of Mayhem

The Lumiat

Too Many Masters

The Paternoster Gang: Heritage

The Cars That Ate London!

A Photograph to Remember

Destiny of the Doctor

Smoke and Mirrors

Novel Adaptations

Nightshade

Fifth Doctor Box Set

Psychodrome

Iterations of I

Psychodrome

Iterations of I

Counter-Measures

The Fifth Citadel

The Forgotten Village

Peshka

The Concrete Cage

The New Counter Measures

Troubled Waters

The Hollow King

The Eighth of March

Inside Every Warrior

Comics

TV Comic

Time in Reverse

Doctor Who: The Eleventh Doctor

Space in Dimension Relative and Time

Doctor Who: The Thirteenth Doctor

Old Friends

Doctor Who Magazine

The Star Beast

Voyager

The World Shapers

Ground Zero

The Flood

The Fallen

The Land of Happy Endings

Direct to Home Media Films

PROBE

PROBE: The Zero Imperative

PROBE: The Devil of Winterborne

PROBE: Unnatural Selection

PROBE: Ghosts of Winterborne

PROBE: When to Die

The Stranger

The Stranger: Summoned by Shadows

The Stranger: More than a Messiah

The Stranger: In Memory Alone

The Stranger: The Terror Game

The Stranger: Breach of the Peace

The Stranger: Eye of the Beholder

Other

Downtime

Shada (1992) - version with linking narration

Sil and the Devil Seeds of Arodor

Wartime

K9 (spinoff series)

Regeneration/Liberation/The Korven

The Bounty Hunter

Sirens of Ceres

Fear Itself

The Fall of the House of Gryffen

Jays of Orthrus

Dream-Eaters

Curse of Anubis

Oroborus

Alien Avatar

Aeolian

The Last Oak Tree

Black Hunger

The Cambridge Spy

Lost Library of Ukko

Mutant Copper

The Custodians

Taphony and the Time Loop

Robot Gladiators

Mind Snap/Angel of the North/The Last Precinct/Hounds of the Korven/The Eclipse of the Korven

Minisodes

A Fix with Sontarans

Born Again

Clara and the TARDIS

Dimensions in Time

Emperor of the Daleks (More than 30 Years in the TARDIS)

famine appeal 1986

Merry Christmas Doctor Who

P.S.

Pond Life

Rain Gods

Space/Time

Tardisodes

The Battle of Demons Run: Two Days Later

The Bells of Saint John: A Prequel

The Doctor's Meditation

The Great Detective

The Last Day

The Naked Truth

The Shrink

Time Crash

Wall's Sky Ray lollies advertisment

Seret Message from the Time Lords (Weetabix advert)

Novels & Short Stories

Short Stories and Short Story Collections

12 Doctors, 12 Stories

Grey Matter

Lepidoptery for Beginners

Something Borrowed

Nothing at the End of the Lane

The Room With All the Doors

Standalone

Harvest of Time

Scratchman

The Stranger

Engines of War

The Eighth Doctor Adventures

Vampire Science

Alien Bodies

Seeing I

The Scarlet Empress

Unnatural History

Interference

The Blue Angel

The Burning

The Turing Test

The Year of Intelligent Tigers

The City of the Dead

The Adventuress of Henrietta Street

Mad Dogs and Englishmen

Anachrophobia

The Book of the Still

The Crooked World

Camera Obscura

The Gallifrey Chronicles

The Past Doctor Adventures

Divided Loyalties

Fear of the Dark

Fear Itself

Novelisations

Doctor Who and Shada (fan novelisation)

Virgin New Adventures

The Left-Handed Hummingbird

Human Nature

Lungbarrow

Faction Paradox

The Book of War

This Town Will Never Let Us Go

Of the City of the Saved

The New Series Adventures

The Blood Cell

Other

Step Into the 80s!/On Through the 80's! (adverts)

Ronald Rat continuity announcement

Zygon: When Being you Just isn't Enough (Porno)

The Man From MI5

The Infinite Quest

Dooms Day hour 1

Songs

Doctor in Distress

Doctorin' the TARDIS by the Timelords

I'm gonna Spend my Christmas with a Dalek

TV (this category is less about if it was televised and more about the length to distinguish it from minisodes)

Dreamland

Search Out Space

Webcasts

Real Time

Shada (2 nominations)

[thoughtfulfangirling]

2023 Reads

A new year means a new book list! I don't think I can top my 2022 count, but that's okay! I'm not totally sure what my reading goals this year will actually be, but I guess I'll sort it out on the way! XD For future reads, here's my 2024 list!

Four Treasures of the Sky - Jenny Tinghui Zhang

Narrative of the Life of Frederick Douglass - Frederick Douglass+

The Bear and the Nightengale - of the Winternight Trilogy by Katherine Arden

The Secrets We Keep - Mia Hayes

Indian Nations of Wisconsin: Histories of Endurance and Renewal - Patty Loew+

The First Sister - Linden A. Lewis^

The House of the Seven Gables - Nathaniel Hawthorne

The Absolutely True Diary of a Part-Time Indian - Sherman Alexie

Fahrenheit 451 - Ray Bradbury~

Fin Mac Cool - Morgan Llewlyn^

How Long 'til Black Future Month by N. K. Jemisin

Lavinia - Ursula K Le Guin^

Pride and Prejudice - Jane Austin*

Black Cowboys of the Old West: True, Sensational, and Littke-Known Stories form History - Tricia Martineau Wagner+

The Mysteries of Thorn Manor - Margaret Roberson%

Disfigured: On Fairy Tales, Disability, and Making Space - Amanda Leduc+

Her Majesty's Royal Coven - Juno Dawson^

She Who Became the Sun~ - Shelley Parker-Chan*

The Witch King - H.E. Edgmon^

Love in the Time of Cholera - Gabriel Garcia Marquez

Legends & Lattes - Travis Baldree*

Mistress of the Art of Death - Ariana Franklin^

The Adventures of Amina El-Serafi - S.A. Chakraborty

Humankind: A Hopeful History - Rutger Bregman+

The Folk Keeper - Frannie Billingsly*%

Believe Me: A Memoir of Love, Death, and Jazz Chickens - (Suzy) Eddie Izzard+

Juniper & Thorn - Ava Reid

Upright Women Wanted - Sarah Gailey%

I Await the Devil's Coming - Mary MacLane+

Slaughterhouse Five - Kurt Vonnegut~

Revolting Prostitutes: The Fight for Sex Workers' Rights - Molly Smith & Juno Mac+

The Woman in White - Wilke Collins^

King of Battle and Blood - Scarlett St. Clair

Sarah - J.T. LeRoy^

The City Beautiful - Aden Polydoros^

Freshwater - Akwaeke Emezi

Always the Almost - Edward Underhill

All Systems Red - Martha Wells%

The Song of Achilles - Madeline Miller

Nevada - Imogen Binnie

A Dowry of Blood - S. T. Gibson

The Prince - Niccolo Machiavelli

The Second Rebel - Linden A Lewis

Get a Life Chloe Brown - Talia Hibbert

The Hero and the Crown* - Robin McKinley

What Happened to You?: Conversations on Trauma, Resilience, and Healing - Bruce D Perry & Oprah Winfrey+^

Can't Spell Treason Without Tea - Rebecca Thorne

The Eye of the Heron - Ursula K Leguin

Artificial Condition -Martha Wells%

The Kraken's Sacrifice - Katee Robert%

Crown Duel - Sherwood Smith*

Rogue Protocol - Martha Wells%

Remarkably Bright Creatures - Shelby Van Pelt

Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, or Self Involved Parents - Lindsay C Gibson+

Wildcat: The Untold Story of Pearl Hart, the Wild West's Most Notorious Woman Bandit - John Boessenecker+

The History of Wales - History Nerds+%

Ander & Santi Were Here - Jonny Garza Villa

The Glass Castle - Jeanette Walls^

Rosemary and Rue - Seanan McGuire^

The Gilda Stories - Jewelle Gomez

Irish Fairy and Folk Tails - Various+

The Dead and the Dark - Courtney Gould

Haunted Wisconsin - Michael Norman and Beth Scott+

The Other Black Girl - Zakiya Dalila Harris

The Ruins - Scott Smith

He Who Drowned the World - Shelley Parker-Chan

Fledgling - Octavia Butler

Vampire Forensics: Uncovering the Origins of an Enduring Legend - Mark Collins Jenkins+

The Vampyre - John Polidori%

This is Halloween - James A Moore

Sorrowland - Rivers Soloman

The Lamb will Slaughter the Lion - Margaret Killjoy%

Mexican Gothic - Silvia Moreno-Garcia

Love Her or Lose Her - Tessa Bailey^

One Last Stop - Casey McQuiston*

The Last Hero - Linden A. Lewis

Lovelight Farms - B. K. Borison

Reindeer Falls Collection: Volume One - Jana Aston

Currently reading: One Last Stop (Audiobook to help me sleep XD)

Nonfiction is annotated by + A Re-read is annotated by * A book completed from the list below is annotated by ^ A Read with Empty will be annotated by ~ A Novella %

My current, loose and not that interesting goal for this year is to really work on the books I have current access to right now... at the start of this year. Because it's a lot XD This means books currently favorite in Scribd, on my StoryGraph 'to read' pile, or a book I currently own on my shelves. Main goal is at least one of these a month.

For my own personal reference, I'm putting a list of such books below to hold myself accountable.

Edit: Now the end of 2023, and here's a breakdown of my goal to read books I already had access to at the start of 2023:

I didn't read one a month per se, but I got more than 12 done, so I call this a win. These books are:

-Can't Spell Treason Without Tea - Rebecca Thorn -The City Beautiful - Aden Polydoros -Finn Mac Cool - Morgan Llewlyn -The First Sister by Linden A Lewis (proceeded by the other two in the series) -Get a Life, Chloe Brown - Talia Hibbert -The Glass Castle - Jeannette Walls -Haunted Wisconsin - Michael Norman & Beth Scott -Her Majesty's Royal Coven - Juno Dawson -I Await the Devil's Coming - Mary McClane -The Kraken's Sacrifice - Katee Robert -Lavinia - Ursula K Le Guin -Love Her or Lose Her - Tessa Bailey -Mistress of the Art of Death - Ariana Franklin -Nevada - Imogen Binnie -The Prince - Niccolo Machiavelli -Rosemary and Rue - Seanan McGuire -The Ruins - Scott Smith -The Song of Achilles - Madeline Miller -Sarah - J.T. LeRoy -Vampire Forensics - Mark Collins Jenkins -What Happened to You? - Oprah Winfrey -The Witch King - H. E. Edgmon -The Woman in White - Wilkie Collins

The books I did not get around to reading from this list are as follows: Black Water Sister by Zen Cho; Blood Scion by Deborah Falaye (o); The Book of M by Peng Shepard (o); Charity and Sylvia by Rachel Hope Cleves (o); The Cruel Prince by Holly Black (a); The Echo Wife by Sarah Gailey (s); Fallen by Lauren Kate (o); Fanny Hill by John Cleland (o); Felix Ever After by Kacen Callender (s); The Glass Woman by Caroline Lea (s); The Great Hunger by Cecil Woodham-Smith (o); Helping Her Get Free by Susan Brewster (o); The Impossible Girl by Lydia Kang (s); Lovely Bones by Alice Sebold (o); The Merry Spinster by Daniel Lavery (o); On Earth We're Briefly Gorgeous by Ocean Vuong (o); The Poppy War by R. F. Kuang (s); Radiance by Grace Draven (a); Watching the Tree by Adeline Yen Mah (o); The Willows by Algernon Blackwood (s); Wings of Fire (o); Witches Steeped in Gold by Clannon Smart (o); The Wolf and the Woodsman by Ava Reid (s)

23/46 Whoa! That's exactly 50% of the books I had on my list! That's pretty cool! All in all, I consider this 2023 goal successfully done!

[carbondated]

legacy  :  does  your  muse  want  to  make  a  lasting  impact  on  the  world  ,  or  would  they  prefer  for  their  life  to  fade  away  into  obscurity  ?

Not just the world. The entire universe. River refers to herself as a living legend and I think that's perfectly warranted. But It's a curious sort of fame, because River has lived so many different adventures, she's not known for just one thing. You could travel to one galaxy where she is known as River Song, archaeologist in her own right and then travel to that galaxies neighbour where she's only known as the woman who killed the Doctor, or the woman who married them, depending on your outlook. Yet others know her as the saviour of Aggedor for her work on Peldaon and Jim the Fish just knows her as an utter menace. River loves all of this of course. Much of this confusing legacy is part of her design. She relishes in being famous, loves when she's the main topic of conversation, but she's too secretive to tell people the truth. So the legend of River Song continues, each story as wildly inaccurate as much as it it truthful.

MUSE  QUESTIONS  !an  array  of  varied  muse  questions // accepting.

[mywifeleftme]

100: Jerry Jeff Walker // Too Old to Change

Too Old to Change Jerry Jeff Walker 1979, Elektra

“Jerry Jeff Walker is the answer to the hypothetical, ‘What if Jimmy Buffett were cool?’” was how Jack, my friend Prue’s sibling, pitched the good time country legend to us prior to our road trip through Texas, and he’s been a mainstay in our driving playlists ever since. Whatever life’s supposed to be, Jerry Jeff usually seemed to be doing it right, basically the dog with sunglasses from Oliver & Company only in Austin with better grass and better songs. His music feels as comfortable as a good old pair of boots; he has a song about the guy who makes the best boots in Texas. Jerry Jeff knew exactly who he was, even though he was born a Ronald in upstate New York.

I was already firmly on the Gonzo bandwagon by the time I first heard Too Old to Change a few years after that introduction, but when I did I was in a particularly impressionable state. During another adventure with Prue I was hit by a brutal full body allergic reaction, and spent much of the sweltering journey either propped up in the passenger seat or trying to sleep despite my extremities swelling into crab claws. Prue was in the midst of a brief fixation on cassettes, and we must’ve played Too Old to Change at least 40 times that week, marveling at its casual craftsmanship. Its tone is the exact warmth of the car seat I kept sleepily melting into on our short drives to the river.

Too Old to Change isn’t Walker’s best record (that’d be Jerry Jeff Walker or ¡Viva Terlingua!), but it might be his most endearing. It has the vibe of a rascally man feeling his age a bit, and it makes sense if you think about it: Walker had put out 13 records in the past 11 years. How was he to know that he and his fellow survivors of the late ‘60s would have careers longer than the state of Rhodesia existed? Despite being his first LP without a songwriting credit, his ear for the kind of songs he could make work for him was as sharp as ever. If you didn’t know them previously, it’d be easy to mistake half the songs here for Jerry Jeff originals, with the six-song run from “Old Nashville Cowboy” through “Northeast Texas Women” being as pure a distillation of the man’s worldview as anything he ever penned himself.

Walker was a remarkable interpreter of others’ words, as a bandleader and especially as a singer. He was no Willie Nelson, but Walker’s abilities as a storyteller made the modest, avuncular quality of his voice his greatest charm. Compare Nelson’s recording of Bill Callery’s “Hands on the Wheel” from 1975’s Red-Headed Stranger to Walker’s. Nelson’s take is wonderful, doing his usual swooping low/high/low vocal runs, like a sewing needle through fabric, and his arrangement has a tinge of jazz to it. By contrast, Walker’s sounds like overhearing someone singing quietly to themselves on the front porch at dusk, someone reflecting on their memories and coming to a realization. When we talk about country music, we often use terms like ‘simple’ and ‘elemental’ as the highest compliments, which isn’t always fair to a genre that can be wonderfully decadent and idiosyncratic. But, but:

At a time when this world, seemed to be spinning, Reeling out of control There were some believers, Deceivers, a few in-betweeners Who seemed to have no place they could go

It's the same old song, It’s right and you're wrong Living's just something you’re gonna do, With no place to hide, I fell into your eyes, And I found myself in you

I've looked to the stars, Lord, and roared to the bars Till my life had gone up in smoke With my hands on the wheel, Of something I know is real Yeah I know that I am headed home

In the shape of an oak, down by the river, You see an old man, and a boy They're setting sails, spinning tales, He’s probably telling him about some whales Laughing with a lady that they enjoy

It's the same old tune, It’s the man in the moon It's the way that I feel Since I found you ‘Cause I had no place I could hide, I looked into your eyes, And I found myself in you I've looked to the stars, I busted up some bars I saw my life as a joke But with my hands on the wheel Of something that’s so real I know that I'm headed home

I don’t know that you can express anything any better in 200 words than Bill Callery did there, and Walker gives you every wry smile, every flicker of regret, every sigh of contentment those words contain without doing much more than talk and pick at his guitar a little. Too Old to Change is a wonderful capstone to Jerry Jeff's prime, and as someone who’s listened to more of his music than any other artist over the past three or four years, in the end it’s the one I reach for most often.

100/365

Bonus: A little playlist for those new to Walkerdom

[imaginethebeautifulworld]

abandoned concept #2

As I stated in this post, over the past couple of years, I’ve drafted many pieces that, sadly, will likely never be expanded upon.

If anyone is inspired by these, feels they have an idea to continue them, you have my blessing/consent to reblog with your additions, and I’d be delighted to read through them!

This piece was started originally while listening to Delta Rae’s Bottom Of The River, and was going to explore a more fantasy!au with Gil, focusing on a little-forgotten fact that, for many, many centuries, large swaths of what would be part of the greater Prussian Kingdom was built on old marshland, and many, many swamps were drained when the kingdom was truly getting its feet on the ground. Unfortunately, my Muse abandoned me as I kept writing, and I am left unsatisfied.

If anyone has any ideas, please feel free to add more to this post!

I hope you enjoy!

​​​The moonlight was an ivory sheen against the inky blackness of the bog. A stickiness hung heavily on the air, a murky heat that clung to the skin, weighed down the spirit. The entire valley hummed with foreboding: a warning to turn back, to scurry home to your safe bed and warm kitchen, to hide away in the protective embrace of daylight. But you had come too far to turn back now, were resolved to see your mission through to the end. The air carried distorted songs and off-key calls; the insects were almost familiar, and you were sure those were frogs diving into the waters to your right. But their melodies were wrong, fragments of abandoned croaks and chirps cast into corrupt chaos. Most alarming were the footsteps keeping pace to your left, something large and unknown following you from within the shadows. Here-and-there, a flash of bloody red- eyes that you would swear were almost human. And yet, despite the discordant wrongness of the place, you were growing used to its eerie beauty, gradually becoming familiar with the acrid aroma, the steady, greedy squelch of the muck underfoot, the weight of so many eyes hungrily watching you. In your old life, in the world beyond this one, you would have been unable to ignore the creeping whispers of fear. But after besting your demons and monsters thought only to live in legend, you knew you could easily overcome any dangers in this place. Thinking back to your younger years, you decided that, had you known only a few weeks' adventure would help you learn your innermost strengths, you would have gone on this quest years ago. A sharp dip in the ground had your path succumbing to the bog water, that inky, endless darkness still peeking its ugly head out from beneath its sparkling crown of moonlight. There was no jumping to the next stretch; while you were sure you could make the distance, there was no telling how weak the ground on the other side could be, nor was there any way of knowing what creatures may be hidden just beneath the water's surface, waiting for the perfect opportunity to claim you. You weren't foolish enough to risk something so reckless. A raft was out of the question; rumours of old whispered menacingly from memory, stories of how the water would always consume anything that didn't already belong to it. Forward was unfeasible and down was impossible, up remained your only hope. A spiderweb of overlapping branches and vines, strange creaks and groans and shrill animal cries all coming into sharp focus, formerly ignored in keeping watch of your steps and a wary eye on the creature following from the shadows. By luck, there was a vine within reach, the perfect length and width to make the swing over to the next section of path. It was perfect; if you hadn't known better, you would have sworn it was made solely for that purpose. The following sequence of events came only in a series of flashes: You carefully wrapped the vine around both your leg and you arm, ensuring you would have a secure grip. You adjusted your bag, checking to make sure everything was secure and wouldn't fall out during the crossing. A creeping sensation began climbing around both of your legs, down your arms, quickly moving to wrap around your torso and neck. Tight, so tight-! Thundering footsteps, a ghostly figure breaking through the treeline with a sword in hand- Pain, white-hot, air-! The dull thud of falling to the ground, the damp seeping through your clothes. The gasping, blazing rush of freedom. Your vision came back in clouded fragments- you were lying on the ground, the now-dead vine laying beside you. The same phatasmic figure was squatting several paces from you, tip of their blade slightly buried in the earth. And eyes- The red eyes! It took several more moments for your hearing and vision to find harmony, for your mind to connect the words they were speaking to the movements of their lips. incomprehensible as those sounds remained. "You've been following me." His expression twisted into some indecipherable thing at your accusation, and you had the strangest suspicion that he was somehow disappointed in you. "Stupid choice, trusting the Swamp." You ignored the way his words stung your pride, deciding that offending your rescuer was something to avoid. "Pardon my ignorance; there aren't too many reliable guide books about this place." His lips curled slightly, reflecting something similar to a smile before he was once again studying you warily. "Yet you still chose to come here." You knew nothing about him, and even if you did owe him your life, you didn't owe him your story. "So I did." Another twisted expression, as if he weren't consciously aware of the movements of his own features. It was a strange sequence, though you could definitely make out the distinct flash of pale teeth reflecting the moonlight. "You're either very brave or incredibly stupid."

Thanks for reading!

[emj-tolj]

An Adventure Hunter's Dreamscape

(Excuse my broken English. It is not my mother tongue. I hope despite that you can read this well.)

This place I want to be; this place that my heart aches and yearns for: A township not too big, not too small, somewhere that embraces all 4 seasons equally.

With Springtime farms and meadows, where streams trickle and fields are topped with small lavender flower visited by flittering butterflies. Cows and goats sing their songs as I walk down spring time paths. Village homes surrounded with flowers galore. Gardens giving birth to blooms and new born animals making appearances from the ends of woodlands. In the woodlands mosses start their migration of woods and rocks, new birds sing and baby rabbits and deer dart about unthreatened. New shops open up in the villages, making exploring wandering streets all the more fun and adventurous.

With Summertime beaches with azure clean waves and sun bleached beaches, where dolphins sing and dance and majestic ships cross the waves escorting adventures to find lost treasures. Forests hued in emerald, rivers and lakes spraying cold waters to restore summer exhaustion. Summer bird songs echoing over the trees while bands of amber sunlight streak across the forest air. Picnics on green hills and valleys. Street and plazas hum with the sound of marketeers. Where there are oceans of sunflower fields. Nights are filled with endless parties and fun for all.

With Autumn for when the world goes from Greens to Golds. Golden fields of wheat lowered to reveal a harvest of bounty. Village bakery smells fill the streets along with a distinct earthen smell. Garlands and wreaths of cones decorate every window and door with autumn hues. Where gourds with faces watch you closely as you go. People huddling together under warmer cloaks. Harvests festivals abound. Crows caw the season's songs and shops all smell sweet with various warm drinks and confectionaries. Hearths of all sizes glow and crackle to keep the autumn chill off.

With Wintertime when the earth is covered in is white blanket. People huddle even closer now in sheepskin and furs. Candles and lights of many colors attempt to illuminate the world. Fireplaces and hearts glow bright. Streets and homes are festive in foods and decorations. Where people gather close and feast of warm drinks of teas and brews and bellies are filled with soups and stews. Forests now are a dark and rather barren and still. Colored only by daylight sun and cardinals, yet despite it all they are still a welcome walk. And above it all a glorious mountain covered in white and dotted with fir green forests. A monument of earthly and divine legends and lore. the treasures we collected over he years becomes gifts for family and friends. Even total strangers.

If nothing else, a place where people are friendly, caring, helpful, joyful in life. A world where smiles abound and laughter and shared knowledge fill the are. Where one can swim in and ocean of human kindness. A place no one goes without. A place where Forests, Fields , Beaches, Gorges, Rivers, Gardens and Valleys abound and last forever, unhampered by fences and borderlines. A place ride ride, walk and travel endlessly.

Gods help me, its a place I think of and dream about every seconds of the day. I have drempt and envisioned it so much I can pick out the smallest details. I can point out every flower, every cloud, every raindrop off a roof. Every leaf, nail and paving stone. Its a world I want to build and make so real. So much, so badly it hurts inside.

Please gods, help me. Help me make its real. If not for me, then for others. Or, if nothing else, then take me to this place.

[carpeposterum]

Must Read Bengali Books

This list is not exhaustive and I have missed out on a lot of gems while writing this so please feel free to add few more books in the comments. So here it goes:

Chander Pahar(Mountain of the moon) by Bibhutibhushan Bandyopadhyay is a novel based on the adventures of an ordinary young man named Shankar who gets a job at the Uganda Railway services. The story talks about Shankar's encounter with dangerous creatures and his search for the mountain of the moon along with his companion Alvarez. It is a short and enthralling read. The descriptions are so vivid that you'll feel as if you're watching it all unfold in front of your eyes. If you want to start with Bengali literature, you can begin with this one. (English translation is available)

Shei Shomoy and Prothom Alo(Those Days and First Light) by Sunil Gangopadhyay. Read these books for the language, for the beautiful storytelling and to know more about Bengal Renaissance. These books are non-fictional ones but written in a fictional style, the way the story sprawls out is captivating, it offers a detailed picture of the evolution of culture, religion, society and education during the Renaissance. All the main characters in these books are important historical figures and through their story, you get a glimpse of the past. You have to read these two books as they are both fine pieces of Bengali literature. (English translations are available)

Srikanta by Sarat Chandra Chattopadhyay is a story named after its protagonist who happens to be a young man drifting aimlessly from one place to another, experimenting new things. Sarat Chandra Chattopadhyay is known as the wordsmith of Bengali literature, and he knew how to weave enigmatic stories. Through his story, we meet various characters and how the characters greatly influence Srikanta's life. The story also highlights the flaws of our society and the need for radical changes. It is an exceptionally beautiful story written lucidly with lots of layers.

Padma Nadir Majhi (Boatman of the river Padma) by Manik Bandyopadhyay is a heart-touching novel about the people whose livelihood depended on the river Padma. The river plays a pivotal role in the story as the lives of the characters are completely dependent on it. Manik Bandyopadhyay has built up a beautiful story around a small community of people, the characters are simple yet lead very diverse lives. All the characters have different challenges in life and their own way of going about their problems. While reading this, we are all transferred to the small village of Moynakhali beside the Padma and the small world over there. This story is again one of the finest Bengali stories and will break your heart. (English translation is available)

Pratham Pratishruti (The first promise) by Ashapura Debi is a path-breaking novel narrating a story of a child bride, Satyabati and her struggle to survive in a patriarchal society. The story unfolds in the backdrop of the nineteenth century colonial Bengal where women's conditions were pitiful, in such a situation a young girl aspires to educate herself in a society which weds off young girls and sends them to their in-laws to produce children. In that glorious time, this young girl was brave enough to learn to write, to speak her mind and take her first step to women liberation. This book will stir your soul, especially if you are a woman. It is a beautiful work, please do give this a read. (English translation is available)

Golpo 101 by Satyajit Ray is a collection of short stories written by the legend himself. The topics vary from sci-fi to dystopia. Ray is an amazing storyteller even through his writing. I highly recommend this book to slow readers and people who have just started with Bengali literature, as it is extremely engrossing and written lucidly, you'll finish this book in no time. (The English translations of these stories are available)

Anandamath by Bankim Chandra Chatterjee is a story set in the backdrop of the pre-independence struggle and the plight of the people of that time. It is one of the most remarkable stories written in Indian literature. It has different dimensions- nationalism, scarcity of food and hunger, rebellion, women's contribution towards the movement. The origin of the song "Vande Mataram" is this book, which became the slogan for the freedom struggle in the coming years. Despite this being a fictional story, it holds up the essence of the struggle for independence, the exploitation under the British Raj and will remind you about the duties of the people to their motherland (English translation is available).

Gora by Rabindranath Tagore is a story set in Calcutta during the British Raj and covers the political, cultural and religious scenario of that time. This book is fictional and philosophical at the same time and will leave a profound mark in your mind. It is a bit difficult to read this story because of its complex language and its length, but it is a beautiful piece of work. Tagore's characters are strong and have a diverse way of thinking. They demolish rigid societal norms and prejudicial way of thinking by their rational approach in life. There is a lot to learn from these characters and the story revolving around them, I am sure you'll enjoy reading this (English translation is available).

These are few go-to lighthearted Bengali books you can read for a good laugh. Narayan Debnath is the creator of some of the best Bengali comics namely, Handa-Bhonda, Nonte-Fonte and Bantul-the great. Tenida Samagra is a collection of stories written by Narayan Gangopadhyay about a group of four boys and their small pursuits. The stories are hilarious because the protagonist Tenida is a very peculiar person who talks about doing great things but does nothing other than eating good food and whiling away his time with his friends. The stories are written in a comical style and are mostly conversations between friends.

[popculturebuffet]

Top 12 Three Caballeros Moments: Ride of the Three Caballeros Epilogue!

Salduos Amigos...and Adios, as this is the FINAL part of my 20 part look at those happy amigos, those snappy chappies in matching serapes, those birds of the feather, THE THREE CABALLEROS, THE RIDE OF THE THREE CABALLEROS! Yes after 19 other articles, all paid for by megafan and patron of the blog @weirdkev27​, it’s time to bid our boys a fond farewell.  And what a ride i’ts been... we’ve had trips to Bahia, animaton sequences requiring a LOT of 1940′s cocaine ,Jose reinacting the plot of “Come a LIttle Bit Closer” by jay and the americans but ironcially not in the Badman Jose roll,, a less happy reunion where Donald went full vanilla ice for a few moments, Panchito giving us his long and storied family history in song form, Donald needing a vacation after his girlfriend punched him in the face and instead getting eaten by a giant snake, FLAMENCO MASTER HORACE HORSECOLLAR, Soccer with super cars, and our heroes having a warm and fun reunion and having to admit their lives didn’t turn out so good while Dewey jacaksses around in the subplot.

 And all of this lead into their very own series where our heroes met a goddess and wayne knight all in the same day, defeated THE MIGHTY MINOTAUR, got into a giant robot fight on the fucking moon, meeting the roman gods who live on and tend to the norse world tree for some reason, preventing a stupidly started lava apocalypse, going to goblin jail via song, meeting some literal dead presidents, chasing a bear around a fancy rich people town, getting into the ch-ch-chalk zone, fighting a wrestling match against the respresntive of the god of death, dying and coming back to life as a result of said wrestling match, going to camelot to train with king arthrus’ self helf book, going to a yeti spa and finally returning for one last battle with an evil wizard, his pet monkeybatdonkeyrat, and wayne knight, and have to put up with Donald’s shrill abusive ex girlfriend through about half of it. All in all good stuff and i’ll always be greatful for kevn funding this and giving me the chance to both finally watch legend and in general cover these wonderful characters. While i’m sure Panchito and Jose wil lbe back for the big finale of Ducktales, I’m gonna miss these guys and hope they get another shot at the big time one day. 

But Kevin had a great idea, one I decided to do for free since this thing cost 100 dollars together as it was a movie, and 20 episodes of television, so it was a LOT to do.  Fun but a lot of work. A top 12 list of the best moments from across the works covered for this retrospective. From the movie to the series, these are the best of the best moments of the best boys around. So without further adeu join me under the cut as I throw one hell of an after party for one hell of a ride.

12. The Cold Blooded Penguin (The Three Caballeros (Movie) )

This one is low because it doesn’t exactly involve the boys at all as this was a short in their movie. But what can I say, I love penguins, especially Opus.

And the charming tale of a pengy named Pablo who has trouble with the cold and wants to head off for warmer climates just never ceases to entertain me. It’s adorable, pretty funny and just a nice little start to the film every time I watch it. Especially his friends with the sleepy, depressed eyebrows. Really relate to them, especially the tall one with a ponch, aka me as a penguin.  Not much else to say hence why it’s so low, but I really enjoyed this short and can’t help but put Pablo on the list.. and wish he’d gotten a nod in Legend, but then again given we weren’t given a second season they were probably just saving him. 

11. Charon’s Fabulous Cruise (Legend of the Three Caballeros) Another Cabs free entry but I Just love this concept: Charon, ferryman of the river sticks.. deciding since he’s not getting as many customers to turn it into a cruise ship complete with add. IT’s low both because it dosen’t involve the boys and it dosen’t take up much of it’s episode.. but damn if it ain’t funny. And Jim Cummings just brings his all to it.. granted HE always does, the man’s a legend for a reason, but dosne’t make his performance any less lovely. WIsh we got a second season just so we could see this guy again among other reasons. 

10. You Don’t Get a Vacation You Take it (Legend of the Three Caballeros)  Wayne Knight as Sheldgoose.. was easily one of the best parts of Legend of the Three Caballeros. While the show itself was fairly high quality it’s other main villain Feldrake eventually fell into just calling Sheldgoose a moron and hitting him as his only character. IN contrast while at first apperance Sheldgoose was just a rich asshole with hair that looks like a bad toupe but apparently is his actual hair and what he choose to go with and a hell of a moustache.. and while that’s all true, he’s also cunning and manipultive, often making Feldrake’s plans work simply by using clever manipulations. He’s funny, enaging and the sadest part of no second season is not getting more of this guy. Hopefully he’ll show up in another.. even the comics using him without Wayne Knight’s Dulect Tones would be nice. He’s a good villian and would fit just as well in the classic comics being either a snooty nuisance to donald in some way, or being a rival fro scrooge, also being rich but his family having earned it by stealing from others.  But for now what we got ain’t bad and hte best example of just what sheldgoose is capable of is also his first bit of contirbuting more than as a set of hands for feldrake, phrasing. His vilian song. Yes Wayne Knight FINALLY gets a villian song. Your very welcome. 

The song is just fun, a Luau type song with a sinster undercurrent and wayne knight just having a hell of a time, alternating between speaking and singing> It’s low on this list because i’ts an OKAY song, i’ve seen better villian songs, I just really liked this one, and because it dosen’t exactly involved the boys, but I still hold to my convictions in putting this one on here.

9. Panchito Romero Miguel Junipero Francisco Quintero González (House of Mouse) Only House of Mouse entry, and suprisingly it’s not Donald squeaking “And i’m donald duck!” , which has been burned into my brain for a few decades. No it’s the groups OTHER song in there second apperance on the show Not So Goofy, sung by the incomprable Rob Pauslen. While I sitll think he was easily the worst Jose of the bunch, and that the roll never should’ve been given to a white man to begin with, credit where it’s do: he wasn’t a have bad panchito. He only voiced everyone’s faviorite rooster, suck it Foghorn Leghorn, once, for a song, likely to capatalize on the fact Paulsen was famed for Yakko’s World and other songs where he sang a lot at once, but boy did he make a meal of it. Observe.

The song is lightly hampered by the fact it also uses his version of Jose which is probably the worst work i’ve heard from Rob. And given it’s the only roll i’ve heard of his that wasn’t very good and he’s still VERY CLEARLY trying his best, that says a lot to the guy’s quality. And im not saying all this to avoid backlash, I stand by what I say and how I say it.. i’m saying it because I truly love and respect the guy this just was not his best work. This song however is Rob on full blast, using his ablitlity to talk fast no matter the voice to give us one heck of a lively performance and name for Panchito, one that was reused for Ride of the Three Cabs though sadly minus the song, as I would’ve LOVED to hear Jamie Camill belt this one out. But the lively animation and liveleir performance earn this one a spot.

8. Baia, Donald (The Three Caballeros) For this one i’m squishing three different but related parts of the movie together: The “Have you been to Baia, Donald” song, the train trip there and the awesome musical number at the end. But all three flow together as one great sequence with the frist two serviing as a fun prelude for a fun sequence as Donald and Jose try to woo a lady named Yaya, played by Aurora Miranda, and get into a big and fun dance number that for the time is AMAZINGLY blended with the live action work. The song is an utter ear worm, the seqeunce is fun and it lacks some of the creepiness Donald’s later session of flirting had and the colors are vibrant as hell. Wonderful, beautiful stuff. It’s really hard to talk about as not a lot happens in it other than a fun bit of song and dance.. but sometimes tha’ts just waht you need: a bunch of actors, two of which were animated, moving and groving to a heckuva beat. 

7. I Love You Guys (Legend of the Three Caballeros)  This was just a very sweet moment but one I treasure. The Cabs beat a giant horrifying rage beast.. by genuinely apoologizing to donald, telling him they love him then having a group hug. After a full episode before this of them just kinda ignoring what he cared about, Xandra and the boys genuine apologies and Donald genuinely telling them “I love you guys” and realizing for the first time in his life he’s genuinely loved and appricated. It just feels so fucking nice. Shame they didn’t you know.. end the Daisy plot with him realizing he dind’t need or or that he wasn’t angsiting over a selfish goldigger in the first place but hey, you take what you can get sometimes and the getting is good here. 

6. The Cabs Song .. in Comic Form! (The Three Caballeros Ride Again!) 

Another fairly quick one to talk about but one’s that damn impressive. The Three Cabs ride again is a wonderful story that reunites our birds of a feather for an adventure in mexico.. and one of it’s two best moments, the other one way further up from Don Rosa’s classic, seriously check it out it’s good, is when the boys, to distract their enemy for the story, play their classic song.  Musical numbers.. are hard to pull off in comics. As Linkara, comic critic and one of my inspirations check him out on youtube he’s really fantastic, has mentioned quite a bit not having the sound to go with it is an uphill battle. But i’m not as against this as he is.. as long as you can convey the ENERGY of said song and perofrmance in the page. As long as you got that, you can pull it off and boy oh boy oh boy did Rosa ever. While it’s only about a page and a half long it’s just a fun, wonderful litlte sequence, from the crowd that has no reaction til lthe end when our big bad clubs them with the guitar, to our heroes swipining tablecoths to seve as serape to Donald falling outside, it’s one of the highlights of an alreayd impressive story. 

5. Jam Session (Ducktales, The Town Where Everyone Was Nice!) 

Only one Ducktales moment but it’s a keeper to be sure and now I HAVE seen Legend... I can say as I did there Jamie Camil REALLY shoudlv’e been kept as Panchito but “The Town Where Everyone Was Nice”.. really was still ag reat version of the characters and still kept them true. It wasn’t AS good as the Legend versions.. but honestly that’s fine. Not every version HAS to be good as the others and they were still wella cted, wonderfully animated and the story was great. And the moment that shows it off best is the boys quite moment after lunch, where they remincse, have fun, think about old times.. then hear a radio and slowly but surely have a fun dance number together, playing like old times. It’s this moment that makes me REALLY question why people hated this so much, as this one tiny moment captures the cabs chemistry and comrander in just two short minutes, Donald getting angry, Jose defusing int with a dance then him joining in, the three just jamming iwth whatever’s on hand and jose magically playing the fluit with his umbrella. I’ts all just so charming I love it. The end version of the three cabs IS really awesome, it just didn’t make the cut. Still liked it though.. but this.. this is better. Sometimes less is more you know?

4. The Three Cablleros Song (The Three Caballeros (Movie) ) Look you knew this was coming, I knew this was coming, we all knew this was coming. But the song is no less awesome, with fluid animation, wonderful vocals and lyrics, and an unberably catchy tune. It’s iconic to the characters, having popped up in four different renditions during this retrsopective, all of them pretty damn good, but no one tops the original.  Even the two more dated bits, some latin baby and Panchito having a gun solo, somehow don’t hamper what’s otherwise an iconic moment. It’s fun, it’s fancy free, and it establishes the boys dynamic perfectly, one that as we’ve seen would last a few lifetimes and probably will last forever. 

3. We Say So! (The Three Caballeros Ride Again) While Ride again is a VERY good story, it’s best moment is ironiclaly it’s end despite leaving you wanting more and more. After a fun adventure and a laugh over it being for nothing really, our friends return to Jose’s job at a night club, which his manager, who understandably has issues with Jose choosing wooing ladies over actually doing his job sometimes, only gives him back because it’s a big night but needs a big act. The first touching moment here is the fact the boys pitch in without being asked because hteir friend needs them. But the real moment is what happens after: The Triplets return from the hotel, still bemoaning as they did ealrier in the story that Donald has no friends and assume when they see him on stage and see him crash off it that he incited a riot.. only for his friends to assure him he’s a very fine fellow and they say so.. and in an instnat the boys realize donald DOES have friends.. and the best friends a duck can ask for. And after a lifetime of being spat on and barely winning.. Donald gets an unquestioned victory, stnading proudly with his friends for a packed house who still want more while his nephews look on proudly. I say so.. and what I say is that this moment is one of Rosa’s finest and one of the most touching thigns the man’s ever written. 

2. This is Just Where I Came In (The Legend of the Three Caballeros) The Legend of the Three Cabs was excellent and it ended on one hell of a high. After a heck of a fight via callbacks that barely didnt’ make the list, our heroes rush in to stop Feldrake. their sorcerer nemisis,  from reviving.. only for it to be too late. He’s back in full and soon warps reality around him leaving the boys hometown of the New Quackmore insitute as a series of rubble, buildings and people clinging desperatly to both floating in a hell of a starry backdrop, the only chance to stop this from happenign to the world resting in our heroes. And it’s so we catch up with where the seires began: our three heros decked out in truly awesome armor, though why Panchtio’s is roman I have no idea, fighting a giant and mosnterious felldrake and while his deisgn in that form is eh, his threat is palpable and the fight is goregous and pitch perfect.. and only gets better when we catch up, as Xandra swoops in to save htem from the cliffhanger the series started with. It only isn’t up top because of tow reasons; I like the first moment better.. and the boys do fall in a magic pool of amulet juice and emerge with powers due to a character we just meet when they do so. It’s a bit of a cop out.. but even with it being a cop out and a dues ex machina of the HIGHEST order.. it dosen’t stop it form being awesome when our heroes emerge merged with thier amulets energies, in their signutre colors and whoop felldrakes ass with a revivied Xandra’s help and then nearly reseal feldrake before his being resealed, but in Sheldgoose, resotres everything and our heroes get a WELL earned bout of praise from the town and a fancy mansion and in donald’s case a new job. A specatuclar, tense and gorgeous finale to a wonderful series. 

1. Ride Em, Vaquero! (The Magificent 7 (Minus 4) Caballeros)  Look I know it sounds like a bit of a downgrade to go from a battle for the fate of the world to our heroes fighting a spoiled prince and a giant anaconda just to make it out alive.. but frankly this battle is more tense, has all boys showing off even better, and has a climax so awesome even saving the unvierse with suddenly gained magic powers can’t top it.  For the setting our heroes end up trapped in a lost city with the bad guy of the comic, Don Rosa’s second to last and his second of only two cabs stories, prepared to get away. But then Donald snaps, spurred on bya ll the shit he had to put up with back home,and TACKLES the fucking guy in his boat getting into one hell of a scrap. And if that wasn’t enough, what brings this to true glory is a giant Anaconda who shoed up earlier, popping up.. leading to Donald fighting our big bad.. WHILE BEING TANGLED UP IN A FUCKING PYTHON. 

What truly clinches this as the best of the best for me though is Jose and Panchito’s actions, with Jose fighting the guy off off donlad, and actually having his umbrella WORK this time, and while the bad guy gets the raft from our heroes.. he falls off a cliff. So how do our heroes escape.. simple .. PANCHITO LASSOS THE FLEEING SNAKE AND THEY RIDE IT OUT AS SEEN ABOVE THROUGH A POND FULL OF DANGEROUS CREATURES WHO ALL STARE IN AWE AT THE SIGHT OR FLEE.  You.. you just can’t top that. The awesomness, the teamwork, the sheer balls on panchito..i t’s all just so beauitful and sums up what the boys are about: Deft teamwork, camradire.. and doing utterly insane shit as only best friends can. 

So with that.. this ride has come to an end. As I said before and will say again, it’s been fun, easily the biggest project i’ve done so far, and easily one of my faviorites. I love these guys and geninely hope we see them again real soon. So before I go, i’d like to say some thank yous. I”d like to thank ALL of the talented people involved in the making of the original film, as there are way too many to mention as it was a package movie but without you lovely and mostly deceased people we’d never have these wonderful guys. I’d like to thank Don Rosa for bringing the boys back and better than ever and beautifully so AND returning to them again. I’d like to thank Henry Gilroy and Phil Walsh, who wrote the first and second house of mouse cabs episodes for bringing the boys back to the screen, as well as series creators Robert Gainway and Tony Craig and the MASSIVE pile of storyboarders for both episode.  I’d like to thank the people behind mickey and the roadster racers, while your episodes were not very good I am glad the boys got more screentime, i’d like thank Frank Angrones and Matt Youngberg for their wonderful versions of the boys and total respect to their legacy, and i’d REALLY like to thank Matt Danner for giving us a wonderful series and finally giving the boys a starring roll again. 

I’d also like to thank the MANY voice actors who voiced these wonderful characters, your beautiful all of you. To Donald’s voice actors for this retrospective i’d like to thank Clarence Nash, you absolute legend may you rest in peace, Tony Anselmo, may you keep on living please god we’ve lost a lot of good people lately don’t be one of them, and even Daniel Ross, who might not be the best Donald but he’s one of only five and you can’t take that way from him. 

For Jose i’d like to thank Jose Olivara, without you I don’t think we would’ve even gotten to the Cablleros as a group, Rob Paulsen, you tried your best and your still a winner in my heart, Eric Bauza, you genuinely were the best, and Bernardo Del Paula, who gave Bauza a run for his money and I hope returns in the role in the future. 

And finally for Panchito we have Joaquin Grey, again wouldn’t of had the rest without you man nice job, Carlos Alarzqaui, did the job and did it well, Rob Paulsen, gave us one hell of a song, Jamie Camill, the best around no one’s ever going to keep him down, Arturo Del Purto who while I prefer jamie.. still was excellent and I wouldn’t be mad if he returned again. 

And last but not least I’d like to sincerly thank @weirdkev27​. These reviews have GENUINELY helped me finacially since i’ts hard for me to find a job since I cannot drive and have a disablity, and thanks to htem i’ve been able to live comfortably and thanks to you in general i’ve been able to do what I love and get paid for it. You got me to do this wonderful restrospective, have been a genine support to the blog and a treasure to work with. Thanks man, your the best.  So with that, it’s time to ride off into the sunset. If the cabs get another apperance outside of ducktales, I will pick this up again... and wether it’s in a year or ten you bet your bottom peso they’ll be back. Who says so? I says so. 

[goodluckdetective]

Rules: post the last lines you wrote from any WIP, then tag someone! I’m going to tag @wyntera @nitewrighter and @renaroo. If you guys aren’t working on something atm no pressure.

@secretlystephaniebrown tagged me in the WIP meme and here I am! I’m going to post a whole scene from a Hades fic I’ve been considering: an AU where Patroclus is Zagreus teacher instead of Achilles. I have yet to decide if I want to complete it in full. Here’s the clip:

UNTITLED

“You are offering me a job?” He cannot hide the surprise from his voice. Hades is a God, ruler of the Underworld, and Patroclus is but a shade, doomed to Tartarus for a sin he will never wash away. What the Lord of the Dead could want is lost upon him.

Hades stands there, glaive in hand, stern.“My son Zagreus is in need of a mentor.”

At the mention of his son’s name, the Lord of the Dead scowls. The relationships between Gods and their children have always been strained, and it seems Hades is no exception. “He is undisciplined, rebellious and unfitting of his station. I believe you would be a suitable mentor to not only teach him the ways of combat but of respect.”

Patroclus thinks about the offer for a moment. Tartarus is not kind place to dwell, but he still wants to say no. He is done fighting; he has never liked the practice of spilling blood despite his competence in it. But one does not say no to a God without significant thought. Patroclus is not a genius to the likes of Odysseus, few men are, but he is not foolish either.

“I am flattered by your request but I ask why you do not hire someone of more standing for this task, my Lord,” he says, choosing each word with care. “Surely the likes of Hercules or other champions would prove a better tutor than myself.”

The lord of the dead scoffs. “If I wanted him to be only a combatant, than that would be my ideal choice. But Zagreus is impulsive and disrespectful to his betters. I require a mentor who can attend to those personal failings as well. And I believe you are familiar with such behaviors if the legends are true.”

Patroclus holds his tongue because he is, of course he is, but Achilles was so much more than his temper. All Patroclus hears about him these days is of his rage, nothing specific, only that he was a force of nature who carved through men without a glance. There is no songs about his talent with a lyre, or his love for fresh flowers that reminded him of home. All of the soft parts of Achilles’ nature are erased by the pools of blood he spilt.

Achilles is remembered as he was promised by the Fates, but he is remembered as a symbol, not a person. The man he loved is gone, perhaps for good if he has drank from the waters of Elysium. Patroclus is the one left to remember.

“You will be freed of your punishment and be allowed to stay in the house,” Hades continues. “I expect you to mentor him in both combat, medicine, tactics and behavior. When you are not working with him, you may serve as a guard to the halls. It will be no luxury, but it will be better than what your current arrangements.”

Patroclus thinks of this godling he will be expect to mentor. Hot headed, impulsive, disrespectful with a stern Godly parent. He cannot say it makes him nostalgic. Perhaps he can provide some wisdom for him mistakes.

“I will do so,” he says. “On one condition.”

Hades frown deepens. “You have little to barter.”

That Patroclus does. If he had any leverage to speak of, he’d ask for a chance to visit Elysium, to confirm if Achilles had drunk from the river for a chance of a new adventure. It would break his heart, but it would at least allow the wound to heal. But he has nothing to barter, and so instead he asks for a mercy, not a boon.

“I do not ask for much. Solely that you will not require me to tell him of my Achilles or the war.” Memories flash through his mind in bursts: a burning temple, the smell of smoke, yanking on Achilles breastplate because one of them must have some sense. He pushes the memories away, back where they are only an ache of an old wound. “I shall decide which stories I tell.”

Hades looks at him, and Patroclus can swear he appears sympathetic. Mortals are made in the image of the Gods: perhaps he understands how memory can burn worse than any wound.

“Fair enough,” Hades says. “You begin at once.”

And that is how Patroclus comes to reside in the House of Hades.

[m0r1bund]

Happy Indigenous Peoples’ Day!

10/12/20:

So. If you’ve been here a year or more, you might know that I have this little journal from back in 2018 that I try to update every year with works from local indigenous artists / created in collaboration with indigenous folks.

It was once hosted on another site, but that one’s since gone to hell! So, I’m shuffling it over here and giving it a little TLC : -) Enjoy!

◆

10/8/18:

You can probably glean from my work that I owe intensely to the people of the Sonoran Desert and surrounding communities. Since it’s Indigenous Peoples’ Day, I’m going to share a few works from (mostly southwestern) native artists that have really impressed on me. If you enjoy anything that I do, I think you’ll enjoy their work even more!

Tyler Bighorse and Suite 104

I was introduced to the work of Tyler Bighorse in downtown Flagstaff, where he runs a gallery called Suite 104.

If you're ever in the area I really recommend dropping by! He sells prints and originals of his works there, as well as other local artists' work. (snagged this sick Legend of Zelda spread for my bro while I was up there.)

  Mulaka, by Lienzo

Synopsis, from their website:

Dive into northern Mexico’s breathtaking landscapes with Mulaka, a 3D action-adventure game based on the rich indigenous culture of the Tarahumara. Renowned for their impressive running abilities, embark on the journey of a Sukurúame - a Tarahumara shaman - as you fight back the foulness corrupting the land, while drawing upon the powers of demigods.

Mulaka was developed by the Chihuahua-based game company Lienzo in conjunction with Rarámuri leaders and anthropologists. Lienzo also aims to keep their game dev local to Chihuahua, which I think is extremely badass.

And the music just. rules. ( Town of Paquimé / Nini Areware Ne Chunume )

Quantum Tangle (Grey Gritt and Tiffany Ayalik)

Quantum Tangle is really really good. Like, really really good. Blurb from their old bandcamp:

Fusing of old-world sounds and new-world flair, the Juno Award-winning group Quantum Tangle is embracing their blended background. Combining their talents of throat singing, haunting melodies and traditional legends, Grey Gritt and Tiffany Ayalik are excited to present pieces that look back through history to challenge, educate and encourage the next generation to be socially aware.

The unfortunate news is that their website went down earlier in the year : -( But the good news is their work is still floating around the internet. I believe you can find them on Spotify and other streaming services as well. Here is a favorite, a love ode of sorts called Igluvut:

My other favourites for first-time listeners are Love is Love pt. 2 and Tiny Hands : -)

Oral History of the Yavapai, by Mike Harrison and John Williams

Three tribes of Yavapai got together at Bloody Basin. Kewevkepaya, Wipukpa and Yavepe. Three of them. They get together and cook mescal, cook deer. Get together and eat, dance and have a good time. But the soldiers met them there and killed them. Then the White people called the place Bloody Basin. Called it after our blood.

- Oral History of the Yavapai I originally stumbled across this book (in reality a word-for-word chronicle of oral history told by Mike Harrison and John Williams, two Yavapai elders) through one of the sources cited in this blog post: The True Victims of “Bloody Basin” Were the Yavapai.

It really struck me, because to that point all major publications that I'd read had unquestioningly ran the old U.S. Army account of how Bloody Basin got its name (Check out the Verde Independent’s article here, and AZcentral’s take here.) It frames the massacre not only as a “punitive expedition,” but also incorrectly names the victims as Tonto-Apache-- The Dilzhe’e are a distinct people, though the Yavapai people were often conflated with them. It’s much harder to get folks into books, but if you have any interest in the history of the Salt River Valley or surrounding areas at all, this was an invaluable read to me. Be aware that it is vibrant and devastating in equal measures-- but if you can handle it, I highly recommend it.

◆

10/14/19 Additions

The writing of Darcie Little Badger

The Whalebone Parrot and Owl Vs. The Neighborhood Watch were my introductions to Darcie's work and they are so, so full of wit, character, and ghoulish suspense... the kind of stories you would read to family and friends as Halloween closes in, this time of year. I am only familiar with her mystery and horror-adjacent short stories at the moment, but I hope to become better acquainted with her body of work in the near future. You can find a list here, many of which you can read online for free!

Anyway. Let me leave you with the Inherent Horror of Birds (from The Whalebone Parrot,) which I don't think I've seen any other writer capture so artfully:

I wonder if all parrots have dancing eyes. The pupils are in a state of constant flux, contracting and expanding. Big, small, big, small.

“What song is that?” I asked. Her pupils danced: large, small, large. She possessed parrot eyes and parrot songs.

10/12/20 Update: Darcie Little Badger recently published her first book, Elatsoe! Check it here : -)

Imagine an America very similar to our own. It’s got homework, best friends, and pistachio ice cream. There are some differences. This America has been shaped dramatically by the magic, monsters, knowledge, and legends of its peoples, those Indigenous and those not. Some of these forces are charmingly everyday, like the ability to make an orb of light appear or travel across the world through rings of fungi. But other forces are less charming and should never see the light of day.

Seventeen-year-old Elatsoe (“Ellie” for short) lives in this slightly stranger America. She can raise the ghosts of dead animals, a skill passed down through generations of her Lipan Apache family. Her beloved cousin has just been murdered, in a town that wants no prying eyes. But she is going to do more than pry. The picture-perfect façade of Willowbee masks gruesome secrets, and she will rely on her wits, skills, and friends to tear off the mask and protect her family.

The pottery of Nathan Youngblood

I learned of Nathan Youngblood's work scarcely a week ago, during a visit to the Heard Museum, and it very nearly made me start hooting and hollering in the middle of the museum. It is, without exaggeration, unlike any kind of craft I've ever seen before. His work is something of a marriage between the Santa Clara pottery tradition with Asian ceramics and other traditions world-wide, and it's a coupling that is at once startlingly familiar and yet completely unique.

The art, writing, and games of Elizabeth LaPensée

Elizabeth is perhaps best known for creating Thunderbird Strike!

(synopsis from its website: )

In the 2D sidescroller Thunderbird Strike, fly from the Tar Sands to the Great Lakes as a thunderbird protecting Turtle Island with searing lightning against the snake that threatens to swallow the lands and waters whole.

But she has a very wide and rich body of work, and among my personal favourites are her visual art. She employs digital collage to create these sort of iconographic pieces, and to me there's a certain joy in the way her work employs silhouette and contour, tracing the shape of a body, the environment within that body, and its place in its environment. It's not something that I can really do justice by describing, so here's a favourite from her ("Thunderbird Circles") that I have on my wall:

[thebibliomancer]

Song of the Dark Crystal liveblog pt 6

Song of the Dark Crystal by J.M. Lee because the quest is back on!

Last time in book: Kylan and Naia have joined forces with Rian to overthrow the Skeksis. Unfortunately, Kylan has also been declared a traitor by the Skeksis. The three decide to leave Stone-in-the-Wood immediately and pursue separate plans. Rian will go to the All-Maudra with the vial of Mira goo. Kylan and Naia will go find Aughra and try to alert all Gelflings to what the Skeksis are doing.

Chapter 6

The heroes make their way through the forest to the Black River. Kylan sings a Jarra-Jen story that gets Rian to open up.

The gang... is there a catchy name for the protagonists? Kylan’s crew? Anyway, they’re leaving Stone-in-the-Wood in the dark of the night because at least 2 out of 3 and probably 3 out of 3 are fugitives.

But more importantly:

“Best wishes!” Mythra said. “When I’m big, I’ll come and join you. I fear no lying Skeksis!”

Mythra is too powerful!

“Once you’re big enough to not be eaten in one gulp. Then I’ll welcome you.”

It was the first playful thing Kylan had heard the soldier say, and it was endearing.

It really is!

I love the dynamic between Rian and Mythra.

The three set off in RPG formation: Rian in the front, squishy Kylan in the middle, and Naia in the back. Kylan, in Kylan fashion, feels bad and tells himself he brings value to the party somehow, even if he doesn’t know how.

Best boy Kylan, you’re the best boy. But also: you came up with a great third option between Rian and Naia’s position last chapter. That’s something!

The group also starts discussing whether the Skeksis have been preying on the Gelfling for a long time. Kylan brings up the census, how the Skeksis come twice a year to record the number of Gelfling. Rian even darkly calls it a harvest.

“We count the peach-berry trees every spring, and pluck half the blossoms so they bloom in the summer. That way we know they will all bear fruit, and how many. Mother Aughra taught the Gelfling these things long ago, and we’ve performed the counting and plucking every year since the Age of Innocence... and yet we couldn’t see that the Skeksis were doing the same to our people in front of our very eyes.”

Naia said, “You’ve given this a lot of thought.”

“I’ve had a lot of time to consider.”

They wonder whether the Skeksis perform the census with the Dousan and the Grottan. Rian says that he’s only ever seen a single Dousan guard at the Castle and none from the Caves of Grot. He speculates that the Skeksis may have finished them off long ago without any one noticing.

Grim.

Kylan can’t help but contrast this grim Rian with the sentimental, kind Rian he saw in the dreamfast and also in his interactions with Mythra and Shoni.

Guy’s been through so much.

But Kylan has an idea! STORY TIME. Of course about Jarra-Jen, obvs.

Naia: “I could use a break from the stories of our real life.”

Mood.

Many songs of our lightning-born hero are known

From courage and cleverness are these stories grown

But no song is filled with such heartache and yen

As this one of the Dew-Tree and brave Jarra-Jen

Kylan sings the song of Jarra-Jen’s cool girlfriend Amiris of Darkwood, the Singer of Dew. She apparently personally applies the dew to every blade of grass, which is impressive.

Also, she had green hair. The Gelfling are anime people in this continuity apparently.

“Jarra-Jen loved Amiris, as a singer loves song” which is a good line. And they danced every night. They had a really good relationship.

Then Kaul, the Dark King of Sand, ruined the mood by Ganondorfing all over the happy times.

He kidnapped Amiris and took her to the dunes and demanded she make the desert green like Hyrule. Perhaps unsurprisingly, she couldn’t? Because of climate?

But Kaul was a dick about it.

So the King, at her failure, grew wrathful in spite

He took her out in the desert, upon sands hot and white

There he punished her, holding her face to the suns

“If I can’t have the Garden, then neither will no-one.”

Cool rhyme though.

On the fourth morning, Jarra-Jen finally found her but too late. ‘She wanted to cry but the tears had been burned out of her eyes’ amount of too late. She dying.

So she makes a magic seed pop out of her chest, as ya do.

Jarra-Jen pleaded and begged, cried for her not to go

She put the seed in his hand, bade him help it to grow

Then she melted to stardust. The wind took her away

Jarra-Jen left with the seedling on his loneliest day.

Dang, that’s sad.

Don’t you hate it when your gf melts into stardust after staring into the suns too long?

Jarra-Jen plants the seed like Amiris asked but it won’t grow because this is still the desert.

He called to the earth. He called to the sky

But nobody answered. The dew-seed would die

With no other hope, Jarra-Jen fell to his knees

And wept...

Bursting forth from the sands came an enormous tree

Brown of skin, strong of branch, and emerald of leaf

Its roots rippled the earth, its crown brushed the sky

And Jarra-Jen poured forth every last tear he could cry

I feeeeel like salt water wouldn’t be great for growing a tree but Jarra-Jen is a folk legend. This kind of thing is just what they do.

Anyway, Kylan finishes up the song. And I feel like this is the origin story of whatever the Patron Tree of the Dousan are. Huge magic tree in desert? Gotta be.

Naia helpfully tells the moral of the story to the audience. I mean, this is YA. And also, I’d be lying if I said I didn’t appreciate the cliff notes.

“I liked it,” she said. “I think it’s a good lesson... We will always face hard times, but it’s important to remember that our sadness can often be what becomes our strength. There’s no weakness in sorrow or grief.”

Rian says nothing about the story but he sniffs and wipes his cheek. He was moved.

Good song-telling, song-teller Kylan.

And what good timing, he finished the story right as they reach the Black River and it’s time to split up.

Hm. Earlier I joked about Naia having to go to Ha’rar after all the detours last book so its funny to me that she’s still not going. I wonder if she’ll ever go to Ha’rar.

Anyway, Rian gives them directions for how to find Aughra’s house from here.

Realizing that they may never see Rian again if something goes wrong, Kylan tells him that he’s not alone and “we may be strangers by blood, but we’re family in arms.”

Rian softens for them.

“I miss Gurjin and the others very much,” Rian confessed. “I don’t want to put anyone else in danger. Every night I dream of the Skeksis hunting me, killing anyone nearby. Gurjin, Mira, Mythra, Timtri, my mother... The only way I can rest is if I’m alone. Once the All-Maudra has been told, maybe I will stop looking over my shoulder, but until then... I couldn’t see you in danger when Gurjin died to protect us.”

=(

“I do trust you both, though. As I trusted Gurjin. I only fear that my sorrow will not be enough to grow anything.”

“Only if it’s salted with remorse,” Kylan said. “Good journey to you, Rian. We’ll meet again in Ha’rar, with help from Mother Aughra and stories of our adventures on the High Hill.”

=]

Rian floats away in a boat and with his last words as he disappears into the shadow warns Kylan and Naia to stay away from finger vines. Whatever those are!

After Rian disappears along the river and the other two Gelfling prepare a second boat, Naia compliments how on the nose the story choice was.

“That song of Jarra-Jen was really something,” Naia said ... “I think it really moved him. I wouldn’t mind meeting the song teller who wrote it. The song that soothed the soul of the boy who first saw the Skeksis betrayal!”

“You don’t have to wait to meet that song teller,” he said. “You already did, in Sami Thicket, when he was running away from home.”

“When he was...” Naia coughed in surprise as she put one and one together. Then she crowed with laughter. “You devil! You made it up just for Rian?”

AMAZING.

Kylan figured Rian wouldn’t listen if Kylan just straight up said the stuff about sorrow growing good things so he wrapped it in a story HE MADE UP ON THE SPOT INCLUDING RHYMES and sang it!

What a good song-teller.

And Rian thought wow this ancient story about a cultural folk hero hits me where I live.

Amazing.

I hope Rian passes that off as a real Jarra-Jen story and it gets spread around and becomes part of the accepted canon of Jarra-Jen adventures.

I wonder if there was already an Amiris and a story linking Jarra-Jen to the Patron Tree in the desert. How much Kylan was able to pick up from other stories to make his seem more legit.

“I don’t regret it one bit, Song Teller,” Naia said, as the opposite bank came into view in the dark. “Taking you along. I would have been a fool not to. I hope you know this as I know it.”

It was possibly the sweetest thing she’d ever said to him, and Kylan finally let out the smile he’d been holding back.

BEST FRIENDS.

[theparanormalperiodical]

The 13 Scariest Paranormal Investigation TV Show Episodes You Need To Watch - And The Links To Watch Them For Free!

As a paranormal blogger, I’m used to fangirling with other occult-obsessives about anything that’s spooky. 

It could be a scary movie. It could be a ghost they’ve seen first hand. It could even be an urban legend that frightened them to their very core! Either way, they always have a turning point in their life that pushed them towards the paranormal. 

My epiphany was different.

Sure, I’ve always had this constant connection with otherworldly spirits - but it was developed by one thing: paranormal documentary TV shows.

Most Haunted, Ghost Adventures, Celebrity Ghost Stories…

Each and every one made me want to be there with them!

I wanted to wander ‘round castles for a living. I wanted to read ghost stories everyday and explore the history behind them. I wanted to connect the dots and explore a new, hidden world.

It’s for that reason that I’ve decided to share my love for these shows with you, dear reader.

I’ve brought together the best episodes from Most Haunted, Ghost Adventures, Paranormal Lockdown, Celebrity Ghost Stories, Ghost Hunters and Paranormal Witness, explained the ghost stories that are the centre of the episodes, and have even provided links (and the terrifying timestamps) to the episodes. 

All you’ve got to do is press play!

Oh, and leave a comment on which one traumatised you the most…

Now, let’s get spooky.

#1 - The Dorothy Puente Murder House - Ghost Adventures (S12, E3)

Ghosts give me the heebeejeebies. Demons make me want to hide under my quilt and cry to a Sigrid song. But it’s stories of entrapment that really fuck me up. 

This is one of those stories.

Dorothy Puente was a landlady who ran a boarding house in California for elderly and mentally disabled residents. Don’t be fooled by her charitable exterior, though - what was happening inside the boarding house was a very different story. 

Puente was a serial killer who committed 9 murders - a number which is still disputed to this day - throughout the 1980s, and then cashed their social security checks. 

Whilst there are a number of details to this case, I thought I’d leave that to be discovered during the episode. 

Nevertheless, I thought I’d wet your appetite with some seriously traumatising tales:

In 1985, she hired someone to do wood panelling in her apartment. Not only did she give him an old pickup truck that I assume contained traces of evidence of her crimes, she asked him to build a 6-by-3-by-2 foot box. In non-maths terms, that’s the dimensions of a coffin. 

Claiming it was full of books and other small items for disposal, she journeyed with him to a local dump to dispose of these, uh, books, and stopped him before they reached the local area to dump the waste.

She directed him to instead drop it into a river cause that’s not suspicious at all.

But suspicions were roused when she began repeatedly hiring a local homeless man to do certain tasks like digging the basement and removing soil from it, or putting concrete in the garage. It was when he disappeared that the pieces began to connect together. 

Given the dark details behind the case, when Zak Bagans and his squad rocked up, they were on the receiving end some of the most striking paranormal activity they had ever witnessed:

Featuring EVPs crammed full of aggressive growls and demands for them to “Get out!”, or Ovilus Voices spewing words eerily similar to the murders and how the bodies were disposed of, this investigation stays true to what happened there.

But outside of the equipment used, the physical effects on the investigators was incredible!

One medium felt a choking sensation believed to channel the feelings of victims being force fed sleeping pills and then left to die in the Death Room. And the other? She drew a picture uncomfortably similar to a spirit seen by a tenant of the house - the spirit of Dorothy Puente. 

The other physical contact experienced includes pain felt in Zak’s lower back, as well as Zak entering this trance like state from which he fell off the bed!  

Here’s the episode:

https://www.dailymotion.com/video/x55gpad 

Want to seem some spooks, like, right now? 

09.10 - an EVP with Peggy, the resident who sees Puente’s spirit frequently.

13.10 - a medium begins to sense spirits and experiences some shocking effects.

17.30 - a medium produces pictures of the spirit she senses.

25.20 - EVPs in the backyard - where the bodies were buried - answer some of the questions that still go unanswered. 

30.20 - Zak Bagans begins to exhibit extremely peculiar behaviour.

#2 - Idaho State Tuberculosis Hospital - Ghost Adventures (S18, E10)

Whispers, children and angry old men.

No, it’s not the title of Fall Out Boy’s latest album - it’s just a few of the current inhabitants of The Gooding Inn.

Once a TB hospital that was shut down in 1976, this building has witnessed its patients literally choke and drown in their own blood as their lungs fill up. 

But what’s seriously scary about this episode is the effects on the most recent residents of the inn:

Not only was the housekeeper clearly upset about her encounter with an angry male ghost, she clearly feels the negative energy such spirits embody.

But it's when the current resident is interviewed that the reality of this location is realised. Two of her children had died whilst living in the former hospital, forging a strange link that is explored in the episode.

Yet before I spoil the whole show, here’s a taste of what’s to come:

A playful child spirit and a woman with a child make their own appearances, as well as the strange tale - and even stranger spirit - of Anton Beaver.

Ready to watch?

Here’s the episode:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tdCxNtshvhg

Looking for a quick fear fix?

These are the timestamps of note:

05.25 - Zak Bagans starts the show with the housekeeper’s own tale of the hauntings she’s witnessed.

10.00 - One woman recounts the potential impact of the hauntings on her family.

12.15 - a paranormal investigator brings his own footage and experience of activity in a passage from which gurneys and wheelchairs would bring in the patients

16.00 - Zak Bagans researches those who died there - and creates a sudden shockwave of paranormal activity across the building.

21.50 - a weird non-human noise is heard when a dark shadow appears.

32.00 - pranks set by a spirit of a former child patient begin to haunt the team.

#3 - 30 East Drive - Most Haunted (S18, E1 Halloween Special)

Take a look around my blog - no, seriously, look at what I write about: old manors, haunted abbeys, demonic forests… They all seem to stand out. And I think that’s what makes this tale - and this episode - quite so scary.

Welcome to 30 East Drive, a council house nestled in Yorkshire, England.

It started in 1966. The Prichtard family had just moved into a new home when they started to notice rather peculiar occurrences:

A fine layer of dust fell on everything in the house, puddles would appear from nowhere, even if one was cleaned up, the tea dispenser would go off randomly, and items would levitate!

Given the evident paranormal resident, clergymen were called to exorcise the house. 

They were not successful. Holy water would leak out of the walls, ghostly hands would appear and ‘conduct’ the hymns being said to remove him, faces were slapped and people were pushed. Despite the rather playful poltergeist at first, this spirit slowly became more aggressive:

The daughter, Diane, began to find scrapes and bruises appear on her body, and was even dragged up the stairs by her hair! It was eventually deduced that this could be the spirit of a Monk whose body was discarded down the well that the house now sits on. Why was he thrown down a well?

Because he - or perhaps his twin brother - raped and murdered a young girl.

And as he is often seen wearing black robes, the house was given labelled the Black Monk House. Fancy a watch? You’ll be spoiled for choice then - Paranormal Lockdown also had a stay in the house.

Here’s the Most Haunted Episode:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dO3EeYBGNuo

“But, spookyllama, where are the timestamps?”

I couldn’t find any timestamps of note because the activity in this episode is constant!

Within the first 1 and a half minutes, a marble is thrown, echoing one of the most common hauntings in this house. Knives were also found sticking out of sofas, as was a crucifix jumping off the bed. 

#4 - The Wentworth Woodhouse - Most Haunted (S17, E6)

Our next episode also features a ghostly monk, but this time we see activity beyond marbles being chucked at cameramen. Indeed, this episode is just as iconic as the former - this is due to the controversy surrounding the evidence captured in this video.

One of the most famous hauntings of the Wentworth Woodhouse is the first earl of the house walking down the main stairs of the house. Only he’s headless. And they claimed to capture this footage:

https://www.mirror.co.uk/tv/tv-news/most-haunted-team-finally-catch-12417869

This footage only taps into one component of the paranormal activity seen in this house, however.

This house has seen centuries worth of aristocratic family feuds, deaths and drama which still roam its halls. Whether its footsteps, ghostly laughter or opera singing, it seems all past residents never actually left. 

Yet aside from the earl taking a nightly stroll, the scariest spirit has to be a ghost that stands still during his hauntings, leading many people to think he’s a statue. 

Specifically, the most haunted locations - aside from the library - are the George VI quarters. With shadows tracing the walls and dark figures standing in the doorways, the Most Haunted team were certainly not alone.

You can see the episode here:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NdTnJC4cO54

Want a speedy scare?

28.00 - a door rattles and sounds as if its being opened, only its not - it’s locked and there’s no handle.

30.00 - The team hears a whistle, so they whistle back. What happens next is mind-blowing…

50.00 - The crew hears a couple of footsteps follow them around a part of the house.

#5 - The Washoe Club - Ghost Adventures (S16, E7)

The Ghost Adventures team might have investigated this wild-west location 3 times, but it gets no less spooky as time goes on. The oldest saloon there, The Millionaires’ Club, is the centre of the activity as a former exclusive saloon for rich businessmen.

Upon Zak Bagans and his team’s final return, they are reduced to tears by the activity witnessed.

This activity includes the spirit of a prostitute who committed suicide in room 77, a full-bodied apparition in the ballroom, a brick thrown in the basement and a women, Lena, haunting the staircase.

The episodes in particular have also captured EVPs saying their names: “Zak, look out”, and "Nick, Zak, coming..., they're scaring me".

Ready for a trip to the Wild West?

https://www.dailymotion.com/video/xqhyh6

#6 - Hinsdale House - Paranormal Lockdown (S1, E5)

If you thought these buildings were scary, wait ‘til you hear about the Hinsdale House. Question is, what separates it from the other contenders? 

This is a demonic haunting.

Considered this generation’s Amityville, the whole property exhibits signs of activity an exorcism couldn't rid it of: mysterious phone calls, chanting from nearby woods, animal hybrids and full bodied apparitions are just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to this house.

Lucky for us, the Paranormal Lockdown team spent 72 hours here, investigating the hauntings both during the day and night.

Within the first 7 minutes of filming, an abundance of flies fills the house, not unlike horror films that trace the stories behind houses just like this. The following emotional impact on Nick further forges a link to the supernatural. 

Featuring choking, consistent EVP’s saying Nick’s name and even Lorraine Warren on the blower telling them to get out of the house, negative energy is an understatement for this house.

You can watch it here:

https://www.dailymotion.com/video/x6tujvf

Head to 25.00 if you want to see their investigation of the forest - including the Gregorian chanting that is claimed to still echo on this former Native American burial ground.

28.00 - when Katrina asks spirits to go to Nick and show their presence when he’s in a different room, the spirits follow orders.

Unfortunately, the spooks don’t end when the credits roll:

Nick claims spirits from this house followed him home and told him to go to a little house tucked away in England.

And that house was 30 East Drive.

#7 - 30 East Drive - Paranormal Lockdown (S2, Halloween Special)

So, we know Most Haunted’s verdict of the Black Monk House - what about Nick and Katrina’s?

Having spent 100 hours there - one of the longest amounts of time they’ve been in lockdown for - they witness apparitions, marbles flying across the house, a scar appears on Katrina’s stomach, and even a murder attempt by the spirit.

That’s right - a Grandfather clock is pushed over, nearly killing Nick! 

You can watch that happen here:

https://www.dailymotion.com/video/x6azzx0

#8 - The St. Augustine Lighthouse - Ghost Adventures (S2, E19)

Haunted locations aren’t just famed for paranormal fanatics like me rocking up.

It’s the history which matters. 

And this haunted lighthouse is celebrated for its history with its own museum denoting the things it was witnessed as a part of America’s Oldest Port. And with multiple people living and dying on the property, the subsequent variety of activity is what sets this lighthouse apart from, well, non-haunted lighthouses!

But it's that history repeating itself that makes this one of the scariest episodes included on this list: a woman in white roams both the nearby forest and the top levels of the lighthouse, a man walking in uniform wanders round the basement, and spirits make use of the famous staircase that fills this building.

Have I piqued your interest? You can satisfy your supernatural needs here:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FHsNtvT8uHU

Check out the walk through of the lighthouse and description of the main activity at 05.30.

19.45 - you can hear the chattering of multiple spirits on the staircase - and you might even see someone - or something - walking down it, too.

24.00 - this is the most incredible evidence they’ve ever captured - trust me.

#9 - The Stanley Hotel - Ghost Hunters (S2, E22)

Famous for inspiring the Stephen King classic, The Shining, this hotel is infamous for its real life haunted history. First opened in 1909, the 420 rooms - including an underground cave system - hold many ghosts who still make regular appearances.

Room 217 for example, once belonged to a housekeeper. Often visitors to this room notice their luggage is unpacked, items moving, or the lights flickering. Oh, and she’s not a fan of couples sleeping together in the same room, either!

After that, why not visit the Concert Hall? Haunted by a spirit who was once believed to be an usher, you may hear a voice telling you to leave, a nudge, or even see flashes of light of his torch.

You might even hear the giggle of a child echoing down from the attic, a former nursery.

Question is, why is it quite so haunted? There’s 2 claims behind this: the crystals in the cave system below the hotel channel the energy, and the staircase is a vortex for ghosts, allowing them to come and go as they please.

Ready to see what happened?

https://www.dailymotion.com/video/x6ekji3

#10 - The Rain Man - Paranormal Witness (S1, E6)

Ghosts and spirits, demons and death; all the episodes mentioned in this post stick to relatively confined notions of the spiritualistic and pagan religions. However, this episode takes us further than I ever expected.

Paranormal Witness is a show - a bit like Celebrity Ghost Stories - where paranormal stories get retold and acted out.

And this episode follows a young man, Don, who becomes possessed by his abusive grandfather. Having displayed the typical signs of possession, he then began to have strange encounters with water. 

Water began to seep from the walls, and then from the ceiling. But this wasn’t water - when someone touched it, it felt sticky.

It was only when Don was stuck in a trance, that water began to go upwards, towards the ceiling, and pots and pan began to rattle.

When religious rituals were used to cleanse Don, the water was directed towards the bible and person performing the cleansing.

This was only the start of Don’s new powers. And they were to intensify during his final stint in prison.

Hungry for more? Check out the full episode here:

https://www.dailymotion.com/video/x2hvjvg

#11 - The Haunted Highway - Paranormal Witness (S1, E2)

Like I said: Paranormal Witness doesn’t stick to the typical hauntings we see. And this episode involves a UFO.

This story - without spoiling the episode - revolves around a mother and son who go missing in the desert. With a relative’s strange dreams pointing her to where they might be and a medical mystery twisting the tale, all that is left is one question:

What really happened in the desert?

You can watch this episode on Amazon for £1.89.

#12 - Celebrity Ghost Stories (S1, E9)

This episode featuring Morgan Fairchild, Lili Taylor, John Salley and Vincent Curatol is considered one of the scariest episodes of this popular episodes from which paranormal experience are acted out.

Here’s the synopsis to tickle your tastebuds of terror:

“A young Morgan Fairchild is abused by a spirit when she moves into her new husband's family home; an unidentifiable stranger comes to John Salley's aid during a nightclub shooting; Lili Taylor hears unexplained noises when she goes on retreat.”

You can watch this episode on Amazon for £1.89.

#13 - Pendle Hill - Most Haunted (S6, Halloween Special)

Pendle Hill might feature as a hiking opportunity in the Pennines, but it actually has a history - and a haunting - to boot. 

Back in the early 17th century, a family of peasants were believed to possess a variety of paranormal powers. And the effigies they made of human hair and teeth didn’t make them appear any less suspicious, either!

The Pendle Witches, as they were known, were arrested, tried and then hung on Pendle Hill.

The witches never left the hill, however. 

Not only did the neighbours of the Pendle Witches experience and die from mysterious illnesses, to this day supernatural activity has stuck close to this location.

Teeth have dropped onto tables during seances, and unnaturally frequent rainfall on the hill is a common occurrence. 

So, what did the Most Haunted team see when they visited the site?

Acorah was apparently possessed by a witch, and a table and a glass smashed during the seance. Oh, and the whole cast and crew felt as if they were being strangled at certain points during filming.

Were they experiencing the final moments of the Pendle Witches as they were executed for their crimes?

You can check that episode out here:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wu7yRqoLxLc

Or, you can have a speedy spook, instead!

30.00 - the equipment batteries drain, a classic indicator of paranormal presences.

32.00 - Acorah begins his readings of the area, and clearly becomes quite emotional and intense when describing the spirits he sees and hears.

45.00 - Acorah exhibits strange behaviour, and is on the receiving end of harmful spirits.

59.40 - Acorah sees a spirit - or perhaps an otherworldly being.

01.48.00 - the team perform the seance.

Now it’s time to hear what you think.

Which episode are you watching tonight?

And did I miss any seriously-spooktastic episodes out?

[teler-of-gallifrey]

Alright then may I have some Eldritch Horror!Chain Au please ? ;).

(nah but seriously this isn't a pity ask, I'm legitimaly interested !)

Okay so the premise is that none of the chain are just human. They all have something about them that makes them Ancient and Weird.

Sky: There are songs about the first King of Hyrule. These songs tell how he laughed in the face of Demise, how he reveled in the heat of battle, a Warrior King. The Links find these songs utterly absurd. Sky isn't a fighter. He's Sky who's always oversleeping and talking about how much he loves Sun. The songs are right. Sky is a godkiller. Sky is a god.

Four: In Hyrule during the summer, if one looked up to the night sky on a clear night, one can find the constellation of the Four Siblings. It's said that these stars are each spirits of nature, four siblings, one standing a little apart from the others with his lover. It's said that these spirits will protect people from disasters. There are stories from people trapped in burning buildings, of a woman cloaked all in flame warding harm from them. Any goron worth their roast will carry with them a lantern embedded with a purple gem with them into the mines with them, that they might cast a shadow, because shadows always know the way out. The zora have a story of a spirit of water, who will guide the lost safely down the rivers home, and drown the wicked and the cruel. And it is lore among the wise that the wind tells those who listen of incoming tragedies, that they might be averted.

Time: Death has always been a marker in the Hero of Times life. The death of his mother brought him to the forest. As a boy he was surrounded by the Kokiri, and he alone was to bear the fate of men. The death of his surrogate father began him on his first adventure. And at night, after sunset, all around him old bones grow restless, and the dead stir in their graves. It hindered him, once upon a time. It doesn't hinder him anymore.

Legend: There is a story, in the latter days of Hyrule, of how the Hero of Legend sought to bring a dream into the real world. It is a campfire tale. The story tells of how he mastered sorcery, and wizardry, and how one night he met a tall man, with paper white skin, and eyes that burned like twin stars in his head. No one knows where the story comes from. Few remember hearing it for the first time, or hearing it from anyone at all. Most agree that it came to them in a dream.

Hyrule: Hyrule is a faerie. He is not much like what people think about faeries. Rules are for nobility and deal makers, and he is neither of those.

Twilight: Count the shadows. And don't blink. There is a reason we fear the dark.

Wind: once there was an old woman who lived alone on an island. One day as she was beach combing she discovered a cradle, abandoned on the shore. Inside there was a babe. She took in the child, and raised him as her own. But the ocean does not forget it's own.

Wars: They say that war is hell. Wars disagrees. He's seen both, and war is most definitely worse.

Knight: There is another name used for the Hero of Calamity. It is not used by the nobility, who think it an insult. But when the common folk call them the Prince of Demons, they hold their hero in the utmost respect.

Wild: When Wild fell, she was only human. Then the Calamity came. Ganon could kill gods and fell men. But nature... nature is, as Micheal Crichton said, red in tooth and fang and green in sap and root. And under the rule of Ganon nature itself rebelled.

[myhauntedsalem]

Ghosts of Hollywood

Marilyn Monroe The Hollywood Roosevelt Hotel on Hollywood Boulevard is said to be the current residence of several ghosts of popular film stars. Marilyn Monroe, the glamorous and funny star of such pictures as Some Like It Hot and Gentlemen Prefer Blondes, was a frequent guest of the Roosevelt at the height of her popularity. And although she died in her Brentwood home, her image has been seen on several occasions in a full-length mirror that once hung in her poolside suite. The mirror has been relocated to the hotel's lower level by the elevators.

Montgomery Clift Another respected star who died before his time, Montgomery Clift, was a four-time Oscar nominated actor who is best known for his roles in A Place in the Sun, From Here to Eternity and Judgment at Nuremberg. His ghost has also been seen at the Roosevelt. According to some of the hotel's staff, Clift's spirit haunts room number 928. Clift stayed in that suite in 1953, pacing back and forth, memorizing his lines for From Here to Eternity. Loud, unexplained noises have been heard coming from the empty suite, and its phone is occasionally found mysteriously off the hook.

Perhaps it's fitting that the Hollywood Roosevelt should be the stirring place of celebrity ghosts since it was the site of the very first Academy Awards ceremony in 1929. In fact, the Blossom Ballroom, where the ceremony was held, has an unexplained cold spot - a circular area measuring 30 inches in diameter that remains about 10 degrees colder than the rest of the room.

Harry Houdini Houdini is best known as a magician and escape artist, of course, but at the height of his fame he was also drawn to Hollywood, where he made a handful of silent films from 1919 to 1923. With such titles as The Man from Beyond and Haldane of the Secret Service (which he also directed), the films were not regarded well enough to give him much of a Hollywood career. Houdini's interest in the occult was well known, and although he earned a reputation as a masterful debunker of séances, he earnestly sought contact with those who have passed on to the other side. Shortly before his death, Houdini made a pact with his wife Bess that if he could, he would return and make contact with her from the other side. Perhaps he truly has attempted to return. Some claim to have seen the ghost of the great Houdini walking around in the home he owned on Laurel Canyon Blvd. in the Hollywood Hills. Film historians Laurie Jacobson and Marc Wanamaker, in their book Hollywood Haunted, dispute this story, saying that "Houdini most likely never even set foot in the Laurel Canyon mansion he is said to haunt."

Clifton Webb Clifton Webb was a very popular star of the 1940s and '50s, earning two Oscar nominations for his roles in Laura and The Razor's Edge. He may be best known for his portrayal of Mr. Belvedere in a series of films. It's not too often that a ghost haunts the place in which the person is buried, but this seems to be the case for Webb. His ghost has been seen at the Abbey of the Psalms, Hollywood Memorial Cemetery, where his body is interred. But it seems to be a restless spirit, as his ghost has also been encountered at his old home on Rexford Drive in Beverly Hills.

Thelma Todd Thelma Todd was a hot young star in the 1930s. She was featured in a number of hit comedies with the likes of The Marx Brothers, Laurel and Hardy, and Buster Keaton. But that all ended in 1935 when Todd was found dead in her car, which was parked above the café she owned on the Pacific Coast Highway. Strangely, her death was ruled an accidental suicide, but many suspected murder and a coverup by powerful Hollywood figures. The building that once housed the café is now owed by Paulist Productions, and employees have reportedly witnessed the starlet's ghost descending the stairs.

Thomas Ince Ince is considered one of the visionary pioneers of American movies. He was one of the most respected directors of the silent era, best known, perhaps, for his westerns starring William S. Hart. He partnered with other early Hollywood giants such as D.W. Griffith and Mack Sennett, and founded Culver Studios, which later became MGM. Ironically, Ince's death overshadowed his film legacy. He died aboard William Randolph Hearst's yacht in 1924, and although the official record shows the cause of death as heart failure, the hot rumor is that he was shot by Hearst in a fit a jealousy over Hearst's wife, Marion Davies. Ince's ghost - as well as several other ghostly figures - have been seen in the lot that was once Culver Studios. Film crew members have seen the specter of a man matching Ince's description on several occasions; in one instance, when the workers tried to speak to the spirit, it turned and disappeared through a wall.

Ozzie Nelson Ghosts and hauntings are the last thing that come to mind when you think of the perpetually cheerful Ozzie and Harriet Nelson. The couple, with their real-life sons Ricky and David, were stars of the long-running sitcom "Ozzie and Harriet," noted for its good-natured, gentle humor. Yet poor Ozzie doesn't seem to be as contented in the afterlife. Family members, it is said, have seen Ozzie's ghost in the family's old Hollywood home, and it always appears to be in a somber mood. Perhaps he's unhappy about how another Ozzy and his family have gained notoriety on TV.

George Reeves From 1953 to 1957, George Reeves was TV's Superman. Reeves had been around Hollywood for a while, playing bit parts in such films as Gone with the Wind and dozens of B-movies, but it was "The Adventures of Superman" on TV that brought him fame. Reeves died of a gunshot at his home in 1959. The official cause of death was suicide, but that conclusion has been hotly disputed, with some believing that Reeves was murdered. Whether it was suicide or murder, Reeves ghost has been seen in his Beverly Hills home. A couple claims to have seen the ghost of Reeves - decked out in his Superman costume - materialize in the bedroom where he died, after which it slowly faded away. Others believe that Reeves succumbed to the "Superman curse," in which those associated with the fictional character over the years allegedly have met with disaster or death. But is there really a curse? 

More Celebrity Ghosts

Rudolph Valentino - This silent film heartthrob has been seen in the bedroom and stables of his old Hollywood home. Jean Harlow - The spirit of this blonde bombshell is said to haunt the bedroom of her home on North Palm Drive, where her husband allegedly used to beat her. Mary Pickford - This legend of the silent era - actress, writer and producer - was co-founder of United Artists with her husband Douglas Fairbanks and Charlie Chaplin. Comic Buddy Rogers, who lived in the house Pickford once owned, saw her ghost appear in a white ruffled dress. Grace Kelly - Princess Stephanie of Monaco believes that the ghost of her mother, Grace Kelly, helped her write a song from the spirit world.

Celebrities Who Have Seen Ghosts

Nicholas Cage - This Oscar-winning actor (Leaving Las Vegas) refused to stay in uncle Francis Ford Coppola's home after seeing a ghost in the attic. (Cage was also cast as Superman in director Tim Burton's film project, which was never made.) Keanu Reeves - The star of The Matrix films and Devil's Advocate was just a kid in New Jersey when he saw a ghost that took the form of a white double-breasted suit come into his room one night. He wasn't imagining it; his nanny saw the phantom, too. Neve Campbell - She's been in more than her share of paranormal-themed movies (The Craft, Scream), but she's had real-life encounters as well. A woman was murdered in the house she now lives in, and friends have seen her ghost walking around. Matthew McConaughey - This popular actor (Contact) says he freaked out the first time he saw the ghost of an old woman, whom he calls "Madame Blue," floating around his house. Tim Robbins - Robbins, who was nominated for an Oscar in Mystic River, didn't see ghosts, but strongly felt their presence when he moved into an apartment in 1984. Following his instinct, he moved out the next day. Hugh Grant - British romantic comedy lead Hugh Grant (Love Actually) says he and friends have heard the wailing and screaming of some tormented spirit in his Los Angeles home. He even speculates it might be the ghost of a former resident - Bette Davis. Dan Aykroyd - The Ghostbusters star (and Oscar-nominated for Driving Miss Daisy) has long had a fascination with the paranormal. He believes his home, once owned by Cass Elliot of The Mamas and The Papas, is haunted. "A ghost certainly haunts my house," he said. "It once even crawled into bed with me. The ghost also turns on the Stairmaster and moves jewelry across the dresser. I'm sure it's Mama Cass because you get the feeling it's a big ghost." Sting - Rock star Sting (Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels) and his wife Trudie have seen ghosts in their home. "I was absolutely terrified," he said. "I now believe those things are out there, but I have no explanation for them." Jean Claude Van Damme - The Belgian action star (Timecop), also known as "Muscles from Brussels," swears he saw a ghost in his bathroom mirror while he was brushing his teeth. Richard Dreyfuss - He won an Oscar for The Goodbye Girl, but at one time had a cocaine problem. Visions of a ghost, he said, helped him kick the habit. "I had a car crash in the late 1970s," Dreyfuss said, "when I was really screwed up, and I started seeing these ghostly visions of a little girl every night. I couldn't shake this image. Every day it became clearer and I didn't know who the hell she was. Then I realized that kid was either the child I didn't kill the night I smashed up my car, or it was the daughter that I didn't have yet. I immediately sobered up." Ethan Hawke and Uma Thurman - This Hollywood couple was forced to flee their "dream home" in Sneden's Landing, N.Y. when it became all too apparent that it was haunted. They still are reluctant to talk about their frightening encounters. Belinda Carlisle - This pop singer and founding member of The Go-Gos, who appeared in Swing Shift and She's Having a Baby, says she saw a "misty shape" hovering over her as she lay in bed one night. She also says that when she was 17, while nodding off to sleep in a chair in her parents' home, she levitated and had an out-of-body experience. Elke Sommers - This German-born actress, who appeared in the 1966 film The Oscar, claims to have seen the ghost of a middle-aged man in a white shirt in her home in North Beverly Hills. Guests in her home have also seen the specter. So much paranormal activity was reported in the house that the American Society for Psychical Research was brought in, and which verified the unexplained events. The severely haunted house was bought and sold more than 17 times since Sommers vacated it, and many have reported ghostly phenomena. Paul McCartney - Ex-Beatle and Oscar-nominated songwriter ("Live and Let Die") says that he, George Harrison and Ringo Starr sensed the playful spirit of John Lennon when they were recording Lennon's song, "Free As A Bird" in 1995. "There were a lot of strange goings-on in the studio - noises that shouldn't have been there and equipment doing all manner of weird things. There was just an overall feeling that John was around."

[tigerkirby215]

5e Tahm Kench, the River King build (League of Legends)

(Artwork by Pan Chengwei. Made for Riot Games.)

I guess I’ve still got demons on the mind after Halloween. Truth be told while I do hope to someday make a build for every champ I’m very hesitant to make builds for the “monsterous” champs. Cho’Gath, Kog’Maw, and Tahm Kench were all on that list for one reason and one reason alone: you can’t say “I puke on / eat / lick the enemy” without drawing a few strange glances. But the good folk over at Doran’s & Dragons did a Tahm Kench build and while I get where they were going for I’m personally not the biggest fan.

D’s&Ds tries to capture the flavor of the character much more than their abilities, which I can greatly appreciate. I think if you want a smooth-talking demon who swindles people out of everything, including their lives, than D’s&Ds’ build for Tahm is great. But I’m more interested in the mechanics of Tahm Kench: with literal thick skin to absorb incoming damage, a tongue that can leave our opponents stunned, and the ability to... vore your friends to keep them out of harm’s way.

No there aren’t vanilla rules for eating your friends alive! It’s all going to be reflavoring! See this is exactly why I didn’t want to do Tahm.

GOALS

I am enthralled by your class and refinement - Tahm Kench is a demon of greed, luring in unsuspecting hopefuls with promises of prosperity. We’ll need a tongue as sharp as a sword, and a sword as sharp as our tongue.

You have succeeded only in ruffling my attire! - To walk around looking like a Disney Caricature you need to have some thick skin. While other champs wear armor Tahm just has Thick Skin.

All the world's a river; and I'm its king - With a mouth that big you’ve gotta put it to good use, helping your allies across the river... regardless of if they want to go. (Well, most spells that target allies in D&D have to be willing...)

RACE

While I appreciate D’s&D and their take by making Tahm Kench a Locatha they were made for a Second Life charity module, which means they’re not officially endorsed at Adventurer’s League or other such gatherings. Also the friend who shares content with me on D&D Beyond doesn’t own Locatha Rising.

Also technically this build isn’t AL legal since it uses multiple sourcebooks (Mordenkainen's + others) so uhhhh...

Also this build is going to use a subclass that wasn’t available when D’s&D made their build.

With that being said Two-Coats is a demon so we’ll go for the demon race: Tiefling! More specifically we’ll get acquainted with the icy depths of the river as a Levistus Tiefling. Levistus Tieflings see their Charisma score increase by 2 and their Constitution increase by 1 for some protection thanks to the cold. Additionally you get some innate spells thanks to Legacy of Stygia, which I’ll cover when they come up.

All Tieflings have 60 feet of Darkvision, Hellish Resistance to Fire damage, and the ability to speak Common and Infernal. The only thing that changes with your Tiefling subrace is your ability scores and your innate spellcasting, and truly your brand of demon doesn’t matter much. "Call me king, call me demon - water forgets the names of the drowned."

ABILITY SCORES

15; CHARISMA - For a truly delicious meal you need to soften them up a little first. Take it smooth and let them relax before going in for the kill.

14; CONSTITUTION - Kench is a chunky lad who can take quite a beating. It takes more than a blade to slay the king.

13; STRENGTH - You need quite the strong stomach to hold down tougher meals. “Needs salt!”

12; WISDOM - You need a bit of natural intuition to know how folk tick.

10; INTELLIGENCE - Live long enough and you learn quite a bit. At least enough to promise knowledge to anyone looking for it.

8; DEXTERITY - As said before the river king is a large demon of a man, who can take as much time as he wants to get a meal.

BACKGROUND

No surprises here: Tahm Kench is a Charlatan, swindling folk all across Runeterra out of everything they once owned... including their lives.

Well, maybe a few surprises. You will still be taking Deception but instead of Slight of Hand take Persuasion proficiency, because you’re more of a smooth talker than a con artist. I’m also going to suggest taking two Languages instead of two Tools: take whatever language you think you may need, but to talk your way to your next meal they’ll have to be able to understand you.

Regardless you can’t have them knowing your a demon, so take a False Identity as the king. Most folk think you’re a kind soul, with plenty to back you up. And you can always get any papers they may desire.

(Artwork by Alex “alexplank” Flores. Made for Riot Games.)

THE BUILD

LEVEL 1 - FIGHTER 1

Starting off as a Fighter because funny Constitution saving throws, among other things. "My constitution is unflappable!" Regardless you get proficiency in two skills from the Fighter list so take Insight and Athletics to know who’s ready to be carried down river.

You also get a Fighting Style of your choice and while I’d love to get a Reach weapon or indeed any two-handed weapon one of Tahm Kench’s best assets is the Protection he can provide his allies. For this you’ll need a shield (and you can take a regular Strength weapon along side it) but if an attack is coming their way you can grab them in your maw to give the attack disadvantage... Or you could not vore your allies, and take the Defense Fighting Style instead to get more AC.

Well at least if anyone gets mad at all the vore comments you can tank it with your Thick Skin and regenerate it with Second Wind. (The Fighter ability, not the rune in the Resolve tree.) And to fight back with a lashing of your tongue Ray of Frost from Legacy of Stygia will do some damage at range and slow down your foes. It’s not a stun yet... not yet.

LEVEL 2 - BARD 1

What? Did you think we wouldn’t have some tricks of the charmer’s trade? As a Bard you get one proficiency in any skill and one instrument proficiency. Choose Intimidation because my what big teeth you have! (But truthfully take whatever proficiency works for your party, as Tahm Kench can be whatever you want him to be.) As for instrument I’m going to have to go for Lute: it’s the closest you’ll get to a tongue guitar, and don’t you dare say “tongue guitar” at your D&D table.

Regardless Bards get Bardic Inspiration at first level, to make sure you fulfill the support role through the use of honeyed words and sweet nothings. You get a pool of d6s that you can give to an ally to add to their attack rolls, skill checks, or saving throws. You can give a d6 as an action and have a number of them equal to your proficiency bonus, and regain them all at the end of a long rest.

But wait! There’s more! You also get Spellcasting as a Bard: you get two cantrips from the Bard list. A man of fine tastes needs to keep his outfit in check, so take Mending to do that. Vicious Mockery meanwhile will let you use that trademark Tahm Kench sharp tongue (not the literal sharp tongue) to taunt your foes and make it harder for them to hurt your allies. "The baseness of your appetite repulses me!"

As for leveled spells you can pick four of them at first level: naturally you’ll need Charm Person to tempt mortals with pleasing bargains. To worry them that you’re coming to collect Dissonant Whispers will fill their minds with unease. To open up your foes for your friends to take them down Bane will loosen their resolve. And to make sure everyone laughs at your jokes? Tasha’s Hideous Laughter.

LEVEL 3 - BARD 2

Second level Bards are Jack of All Trades, letting you add half your proficiency bonus to any skill you’re not proficient in. Tahm Kench is a demon, and he needs to be able to help wherever he can to tempt others to ask him for help.

Speaking of help you also get Song of Rest to give allies an extra d6 of healing during short rests. Since I doubt Tahm Kench is much of a singer, consider this more of him telling stories of grandeur that only the king of river would know. Or perhaps you’re cooking everyone some food? Who knows.

And finally you can learn another spell, but I’m actually going to wait for next level since we’ve gotten all the first level spells we really need already. But you do get Armor of Agathys thanks to Legacy of Stygia, for some Thornmail to boost your defenses.

LEVEL 4 - BARD 3

Third level Bards get Expertise in two skills to double your proficiency bonus: naturally we’ll go for Deception and Persuasion to have little trouble striking up a bargain.

But much more importantly you get to choose your Bardic College, and I think it’s safe to say that Tahm Kench is a self-taught master of the College of Eloquence. Eloquence Bards have a Silver Tongue, making any roll below a 10 on a Persuasion or a Deception role default to a 10. Notice how we just gave ourselves Expertise on those checks? This means that the lowest you can get on one of these checks is a 17, which for most folk is an automatic success! "How delectable!"

Additionally, your works make it harder to resist the effects of magic. Unsettling Words lets you spend a Bonus Action to roll Bardic Inspiration on an enemy. The next saving throw they make they have to subtract the number you rolled on the Inspiration die. This has synergy with both yourself and your friends. Honey your words before charming folk to hear you, or soften up a foe for some crazy mage to take them down.

Speaking of crazy mage: more spells! The great part about a character like Tahm Kench is that I am completely justified taking utility / roleplay spells like Gift of Gab, letting you backtrack in case you say something silly during a conversation. (With a small royalty fee to the good folk over at Acquisitions Incorporated, of course.) But if you want something more immediately useful then Hold Person will let you stun foes with your words, keeping them in place for allies to cut them down.

LEVEL 5 - BARD 4

Fourth level Bards get an Ability Score Improvement but I’m going to suggest something a little different. Old Yawn-Belly is a demon with a hunger for fine clothes so there shouldn’t be much issue taking the Eldritch Adept Unearthed Arcana feat, soon to be in Tasha’s Cauldron of Everything! With a Mask of Many Faces you can cast Disguise Self at will. This will let you wear a fine jacket while still being in heavy armor. "How did I leave my jacket pocket unadorned for so long?"

I really like unlimited Disguise Self for Tahm Kench for a number of reasons. It’s said that he can take whatever form he desires to lure in his victims, which makes sense given the nature of his character. Unlimited Disguise Self also obviously has use for a charmer, letting you get away with a lot more discussion than normal. But the most important thing is that while Tahm Kench doesn’t wear anything heavy in-game he’s far from stealthy. But disguising your armor doesn’t make it any quieter, which is unironically perfect for our affairs.

Regardless you can learn another spell at this level, along with another cantrip. For your cantrip Prestidigitation is great for life’s simple pleasures, recreating simple things like heating food, chilling drinks, or making things taste like whatever you desire.

For leveled spells may I make a suggestion of the Suggestion spell? It’ll let you make simple suggestions for things that folks should do, and they’ll be inclined to do it. They won’t do anything dangerous like stand in the jaws of a demon, but asking them to walk alone down river is a pretty harmless ask. Oh and to top it off a Tiefling gets Darkness at 5th level, thanks to Legacy of Stygia.

(Artwork by robynlauart on DeviantArt)

LEVEL 6 - BARD 5

5th level Bards get Font of Inspiration to recover their Bardic Inspiration at the end of a Short Rest, which is good because your Bardic Inspiration also increases to a d8.

Additionally you can learn third level spells like Sending to check up on some old deals. If you can’t tell it’s really hard to translate Bard spells onto Tahm Kench, but we kinda need a few more levels in this class.

LEVEL 7 - BARD 6

6th level Eloquence Bards get Unfailing Inspiration. If an ally uses your Bardic Inspiration but still don’t succeed on their roll, they get to keep the die. Simple! You also get Universal Speech, allowing you to choose a number of creatures equal to your Charisma modifier to understand anything you may say. There’s no reason you can’t strike a deal with the local wildlife. And finally you get Countercharm for some Tenacity against Charms and Frightening effects, or you could not do that.

Unfortunately you can’t understand them when you use Universal Speech, but that’s where the spell Tongues comes in. Along with ha ha Tahm Kench Tongue you can make sure anyone understand what you or an ally might be saying. Keep Universal Speech for the simpletons of the world. "You're strong like bull, and smart like cow."

LEVEL 8 - BARD 7

7th level Bards finally get 4th level spells, and as we know "It is my mouth into which all travels end." Take Dimension Door to grab a friend (in your mouth... or not) and go far and wide.

LEVEL 9 - BARD 8

8th level Bards get an Ability Score Improvement and seeing as our last ASI went to getting a top hat we may as well increase that uneven Strength and Charisma.

You can also learn another spell and there are quite a few nice ones at 4th level. Confusion and Compulsion will let your words do the fighting for you, and Locate Creature will help you find anyone looking for a bargain. Or of course you could take your own spell, since these builds are only suggestions after all.

(Artwork by MirthSpindle on DeviantArt.)

LEVEL 10 - FIGHTER 2

Now that we can get people to sign a contract it’s time to take what’s rightfully ours. But firstly Fighters get Action Surge at second level to take two actions on a turn. Perhaps a Hail of Blades, or maybe a mix of words to sully the mind?

LEVEL 11 - FIGHTER 3

Third level Fighters can choose their Martial Archetype and to master your tongue in more ways than one (not like that you perv) look no further than the Battle Master Fighter. You get d8 Combat Superiority Die that can fuel a variety of manuevers:

To stun a foe with your lashing tongue take Trip Attack, for a little more than just stopping them in their tracks.

To grab an ally in your mouth (or preferably not doing that) Maneuvering Attack will let you get them to move somewhere safe without being in danger of getting attacked themselves.

And to play the tank role of the party Goading Attack will taunt your enemies so that they can only concentrate on you. You can take it: you have Thick Skin!

But of course most importantly you are a Student of War, granting proficiency in an Artisan’s Tool of your choice. If you’re going to write contracts you’re going to need good penmanship, so grab proficiency in Calligrapher’s Supplies as the pen is mightier than the sword and Tulok the Barbrarian memes shall live on eternally.

LEVEL 12 - FIGHTER 4

4th level means more Ability Score Improvements and... you know? I don’t think we’re nearly tanky enough! Infernal Constitution is a feat exclusive to Tieflings that grants resistance to Cold and Poison damage, as well as the poisoned condition. And it increases your Constitution by 1 as well. "My visage was already flawless, now it just has more vigor."

LEVEL 13 - FIGHTER 5

5th level Fighters get an Extra Attack for two attacks instead of one, or four with Action Surge! Quick and easy!

(Artwork by benlo on DeviantArt.)

LEVEL 14 - FIGHTER 6

Hey more Ability Score Improvements! You know despite intending to swing a sword around your Strength is rather subpar, so perhaps increase that. (This also finally lets you put on Platemail.)

LEVEL 15 - FIGHTER 7

A friend is an enemy who hasn’t shown their true self yet, so you can know your friends with Know Your Enemy. By spending a minute studying someone you can learn if they’re worth bargaining with. You can learn their Strength, Dexterity, Constitution, Armor, Hit Points, Level, and Fighter level. Most NPCs don’t have class levels, but knowing how hard you need to hit them could help the whole party.

You also get two more Maneuvers: Evasive Footwork will let you dash off to safety, and while disarming isn’t common in Runeterra Disarming Strike seems quite in flavor for someone as... dexterous as yourself.

LEVEL 16 - FIGHTER 8

Isn’t Fighter fun when you increase your abilities every other level? Your Strength is still kinda godawful so good for that if you’d please.

LEVEL 17 - FIGHTER 9

9th level Fighters get Indomitable. If you fail a saving throw you can reroll it. You only get one of these per Long Rest so use it on a save you’re likely to succeed on like Strength, Constitution, Charisma, or... well yeah basically those three.

(Artwork by davicomodo on DeviantArt. They deactivated their account though: sad.)

LEVEL 18 - FIGHTER 10

10th level Fighters get Improved Combat Superiority. Now your d8s are d10s!

You know what else that means? More Maneuvers! To absorb even more damage Parry will give you some Bone Plating for absorption. If however by this point an ally of yours can do a lot more damage with their weapon then Commander’s Strike will let you set them up for the Pentakill!

LEVEL 19 - FIGHTER 11

11th level Fighters get another Extra Attack for 3 attacks per round. That’s enough for your three-hit passive!

LEVEL 20 - FIGHTER 12

12th level Fighters get our final Ability Score Improvement: for stronger charms and more smooth-talking to both ally and foe, take Charisma. For a different type of stronger tongue with deadlier maneuvers grab Strength instead. And if you just want to be a chunky tanky conman then Constitution is also an option!

FINAL BUILD

PROS

Every heart has its own hunger - Despite not maxing out your Charisma you’re still the king of speech. +16 in Deception and Persuasion with your lowest possible roll being a 10. That means the lowest you can get on these rolls is a 26! Not to mention that Jack of All Trades as a Bard makes you plenty good at any skill the party may need help with, and unlimited Disguise Self letting you take whatever role is needed.

Every river ends in me! - You are also a very good team player. Bardic Inspiration that never fails, tons of different ways to hold the enemy down, and several options to help your friends while they’re in a jam. "Travel awaits."

You have succeeded only in ruffling my attire! - Wow who would’ve guessed that building a tanky character to be a tank would make them tanky? You should have quite the solid healthbar and resistances to three very common damage types is nothing to scoff at, not to mention that you can wear Heavy Armor and a Shield for crazy high AC.

CONS

Are you the waiter of this establishment? - Most of your abilities rely on charges of some kind. While Maneuvers and Bardic Inspiration comes back on a Short Rest spell slots only come back after a Long one, and you don’t have many spell slots to spare.

I wonder who might like to bargain for a little freedom - This build is very ASI greedy which means a lot of your abilities are very subpar. Your low DEX score in particular is rather harsh as many dangerous spells require DEX saving throws.

Might be savory - Because this build is so ASI greedy your stats still aren’t maxed out. +3 to CON and +4 to CHA are great and all but they aren’t +5, ya know? And even with Jack of All Trades your skill checks aren’t going to beat out a specialist.

But you don’t need to be a god to sign a deal; a demon does it just as well. Master your articulation so that you can be sharp with your tongue in whatever means necessary. Bargain with your allies and seal the deal on your foes, and for the love of all that is good in the world don’t vore anyone! Jeeze!

(Artwork by Pan Chengwei. Made for Riot Games.)