#and i wonde if i had just been gay for like a second if i could have skipped that

[isitovernow-ootw]

beginning to wish i was exposed to queer internet spaces a bit later so i could have just existed for a while, its really hard to think about my gender when I haven't spent a single period of time not analyzing it since i was 13

[bazzledazzled]

Would You Be So Kind (As To Fall In Love With Me)

Fic for @absolute-nightmare for the @coexchange!! 

Description: Simon Snow doesn’t remember quite when he fell in love with Baz. Maybe it was when he first met him, running gracefully across the football field with his hair tied up. Or maybe it was when they were playing video games at a sleepover and Baz’s leg bumped against his, sending a thumping pulse through his heart. Or maybe it was this year, when Baz came out to him and Simon realized he had a chance.

They’ve been friends since the beginning of High School, but Simon longed for something more.

Tags: High School AU, Normal AU, Friends to Lovers, a bit of Punk/Pastel AU

Trigger Warnings: Minor mention of alcohol abuse and emotional abuse in one of the paragraphs

I hope you enjoy!! I decided to go with a bit of a Highschool AU for this one and it evolved into a friends to lovers fic so yeah! Enjoy :)

Read it on AO3 or read it below -> 

Simon Snow and Baz Pitch were polar opposites, anyone could see that.

Anyone who spared a glance at the odd pair knew this, from Baz’s obnoxious floral shirts and well maintained hair, to Simon’s haggard appearance and leather jacket.They fit together like two pieces of a puzzle, complimenting each other, like Persephone and Hades, or yin and yang. Despite everything; who they were, where they came from, and what they looked like, they still were inseparable. They matched.

Simon Snow doesn’t remember quite when he fell in love with Baz. Maybe it was when he first met him, running gracefully across the football field with his hair tied up. Or maybe it was when they were playing video games at a sleepover and Baz’s leg bumped against his, sending a thumping pulse through his heart. Or maybe it was this year, when Baz came out to him and Simon realized he had a chance.

They’ve been friends since the beginning of High School, but Simon longed for something more. He laid awake in bed, staring at the ceiling, his heart thrumming in his chest. He thought of Baz’s inky black hair and thought about what it might feel like to run his fingers through it. He thought about how he always smelled like something citrusy and crisp, like Earl Grey tea that made Simon wish for a soft, domestic morning with him full of soft kisses and morning tea.

And Simon hated it. No, hate wasn’t the strong enough. He loathed it. He loathed it because here was someone who was completely and utterly perfect, someone he actually had a shot with that wouldn’t care that he’s a guy and knows him inside and out, but for some reason Simon kept holding himself back. He held himself back, not daring to test the waters of their friendship and ruin what they had. He didn’t want to lose Baz as a friend, crush or not. He refused.

So Simon kept his crush bottled away deep down inside him, not daring to let it see the sunshine. He thought that maybe, if he tucked it away, he might be able to shake off these feelings. Maybe they would dissipate and he wouldn’t have to worry about it. Maybe it would work.

————

“We need to find Si a girlfriend,” Agatha says at lunch, her face screwed with determination. Simon sighs, putting down the scone he was eating.

“Ags, please tell me you’re not on this again.”

“Oh she totally is,” Penny says, waving a hand dismissively. “And she has a point. You’ve been moping about like a sad puppy lately saying you’re lonely and want a girlfriend.”

“I didn’t say I wanted a girlfriend,” Simon says, stabbing a strawberry with a fork.

“A boyfriend, then,” Penny says, not a hint of a question in her voice. Simon almost chokes.

“Pen. I don’t need a relationship.”

“Then why do you keep moaning about being single?” Agatha says with a condescending tilt in her brow. Simon huffs, averting his gaze.

“Because I want a boyfriend.”

“Aha! I knew it.” Penny grins victoriously. “Now come on. You have to have a crush on someone. Give us some ideas.”

“I don’t like anyone, Pen.”

“What about that one kid? Rhys I think it was?” Simon scrunches his nose.

“Right. Not him. What about Phillipia?”

“Oh god no.”

“Right. Hmm....” A chair beside Simon moves out and a lunch tray plops down on the table as Baz slides in next to him. He’s wearing a pink shirt with red roses on it and dark jeans that make Simon flush. He pushes his hair out of his eyes, a smile on his lips as he looks at Simon. His gaze lands on Penny and he sighs.

“What are you three up to this time?”

“Who says we’re up to something?” Agatha says, leaning over the table with a mischievous glint in her eyes.

“Bunce has that look in her eyes and Snow just looks lost, so obviously you’re hatching an elaborate scheme.”

“We’re trying to find someone for Simon to date,” Penny says, tapping her fingers against the table.

“Ah. Good luck with that. It would take some pretty skilled matchmakers to find someone to date Snow.”

“Hey! I could be a good boyfriend.”

“I have no doubt.” The look in Baz’s eyes is... intense. Simon has no idea how he should read it.

“Hey Baz, you’re gay right?” Agatha pipes in. Baz snorts.

“Does this have a point?”

“I mean, you’re gay and single, Simon’s single and somewhat into dudes.... you know you guys probably could....” Agatha gestured vaguely. Simon’s heart starts to beat out of his chest, a nervous chuckle escaping his lips. His stomach twists dangerously and he feels like he might puke. 

Fuck.

Baz rolls his eyes. “Ok, Wellbelove.” They move on to a new topic, Penny rambling about some book she read and Baz seeming completely invested in the conversation. But one thing sticks in Simon’s mind even after lunch.

Baz didn’t say no.

——————

When Simon gets to Baz’s car after school that day, Simon immediately knows what he’s going to say. It’s obvious in the way his brow scrunches in concern as Simon runs his hands through his messy curls.

“Is your lip bleeding?” Baz says, reaching out his hand towards Simon’s cheek, then pulling it back.

“It’s fine,” Simon mumbles, even though it isn’t. It’s the second time this month this has happened.

“Simon...” Baz says in that soft voice, the one he saves for when it’s just the two of them. He picks up Simon’s hand, running his thumb over Simon’s knuckles that are cracked and bleeding, rough from countless fights. They’re all over stupid things, but Simon can’t seem to stop himself. He can’t just turn away when someone corners him, calling him names. He can’t just keep walking when he sees some kid picking on another kid in the halls. And he definitely can’t stop himself when he hears people throwing homophobic comments about Baz behind his back.

“What happened?” Baz says, looking at him with the same sternness he always uses in these situations. Simon huffs.

“Just some kid. It’s not important.” But it is. Because it wasn’t just some kid. It was some kid gossiping about Baz, saying mean, hurtful things. It was some kid who, when Simon told him to stop, taunted him and called Baz his boyfriend, not realizing that that’s all Simon’s ever wanted. It was some kid who threw the first punch, not realizing that Simon has done this before, and he wasn’t scared.

Baz sighs, squeezing Simon’s hand in his. It makes his heart leap, beating so fast that he wondered if maybe this would be the moment. Maybe he’d confess to Baz, announcing his undying love, and Baz would say he felt the same way too, and then they’d kiss in the school parking lot on the hood of Baz’s expensive car, their future set from here on out.

Baz pulls his hands away, grabbing his keys from his pocket. “Get in the car, you nightmare. We’re going to the mall.” Simon groans.

“Again? You were just there yesterday.”

“Yes but the Christmas present I got for Mordelia is something she already has so I have to return it and get a new one. Please? You know you’re better than me at picking presents for her.”

“Alright, fine. But you’re buying me a pretzel.”

“Fine.”

—————

Christmas break was at the end of the week, and Simon didn’t want it to come. Well, he did, because it would mean a break from the mountains of school work he had, but he also didn’t, because it meant it would be a lot less time with his friends and a lot more time with his father, pretending they weren’t a dysfunctional family.

Simon’s father wasn’t terrible. He never hit him, but he also wasn’t the best. He was drunk a lot of the time and was always yelling about how much of a disappointment Simon was. He didn’t like that he didn’t make the football team and he hated that Simon’s grades were just barely passing. None of Simon’s victories seemed like victories to him, and Simon was just done with it. He wanted to find a way to be away from the house as much as possible during break, but he also knew that his friends had families that they needed to be with for the holidays, too.

Nonetheless, when Simon came home on Friday night to his dad drunk in the living room, mumbling incoherently, he turned right around and called Baz.

Baz picked up on the second ring.

“Hey is everything ok?”

“Do you want to go out for dinner,” Simon says in a rush. Baz coughs.

“Um—“

“I mean— not out— I mean, yes, I just-” Simon huffs. “Can we hang out tonight? I know it's the last minute and all that but I just... I don’t want to go home.” Baz doesn’t hesitate.

“I’ll be at your house in five.”

————

This, in Baz’s opinion, was one of the worst parts of being gay. Yes, there were the homophobes and the bullies and his not at all accepting father, but he could deal with that. He could tune them out until all that was left was white noise.

But this, this was something Baz couldn’t ignore. How was he supposed to handle a crush on his best friend? If he asked Simon out directly, it could backfire on him and he’d ruin the friendship they spent four years building up. But if he didn’t say anything, he obsessed over his crush, picking apart every little detail of his interactions with Simon wondering if maybe, maybe Simon might feel the same towards him.

So when Simon called him at 5pm, asking if he wanted to go out to dinner, Baz was left wondering how to interpret it. It was probably just the same old “I’m lonely and I need someone to hang out with.” But if that were the case, why didn’t Simon call Agatha or Penny? He was much closer to them. Or why not suggest a sleepover with everyone? Or invite everyone to dinner? The more and more they hung out alone, the more Baz drove himself crazy wondering.

Maybe he was blowing it out of proportion, but it still didn’t stop his beating heart as he pulled into Simon’s driveway. Simon climbed in, his curls wild and free and his blue eyes piercing through the darkness. He smiled his warm smile at Baz, a smile that was full of dimples and sunshine and made Baz's heart do belly flops.

“Where to?” Baz asks, putting the car in reverse. Simon’s eyes light up.

“iHop.”

————————

Simon drowned his fifth pancake in maple syrup and butter. He asked for more butter a while ago and they brought him a plate full of the stuff. He slathered it on his golden pancakes, laying down a thick layer of white saturated fat.

It was absolutely disgusting.

When Baz became friends with Simon at the beginning of freshman year, he learned to look away when Simon was eating. He was a little messy and lacked more than a few table manners, but it wasn’t terrible. None of Simon’s eating habits were awful, save for the unholy slathering of butter. Baz didn’t understand it, nor did he want to.

“I think there’s more butter and syrup on that pancake than actual pancake.” Simon swallows his bite, grinning toothily at Baz.

“It’s delicious though.”

“Disgusting.” Yet Baz still couldn’t help but think about how beautiful Simon’s dopey grin was and the way his cheeks turned red.

“You wanna try a bit?” Simon asks, holding up a fork with a bit of pancake on it. Syrup slowly dropped from it, golden brown like Simon’s curls. Baz wrinkled his nose.

“I think I’ll skip on that, thanks.” Simon shrugs, continuing to shovel food in his mouth. Baz ordered some eggs, but Simon ended up eating more of them than he did. Baz never had much of an appetite, but Simon’s seemed never-ending.

“You excited for Christmas?” Simon asks, looking up at Baz with his plain blue eyes. Baz snorts.

“Not particularly, but I’ll get by.” Simon frowns.

“Your dad?” Baz runs a hand through his hair.

“Yeah, but what else is new.” Simon reaches out across the table, taking Baz’s hand in a comforting manner. Baz gulps.

“Guess we both god shitty fathers, huh?” Baz offers a weak smile.

“Guess so.” Simon bites his lip, as if thinking. His eyes spark in the way they do when he gets an idea or is about to make an impulse decision.

“Hey we should try to hang out over break! Get away from family and stuff, you know?” Baz smiles.

“Yeah.” Simon taps his fingers against the wooden table.

“How do you feel about going to see a movie on Monday?”

——————

It’s not a date.

Obviously it’s not a date. There will never be a universe where Simon Snow asks Baz Pitch out on a date other than in Baz’s dreams.

So why was Baz stressing over his outfit for the past hour? He honestly had no idea.

Nothing he tried on seemed to work. Some stuff looked like he was trying too hard, others looked like he wasn’t trying hard enough. It was honestly too much work considering that they were just friends going to see a movie together in the dark where they won’t be able to see each other anyway so theoretically what they wear doesn’t even matter, but Baz was Baz and he had to be extra about everything.

Eventually he settled on a light grey button down and a pair of jeans. It wasn’t one of his best outfits, but it was casual enough for him that it didn’t seem like he was trying too hard. Even though he spent an hour on his hair alone.

The drive over to Simon’s house was shorter than Baz would’ve liked. He didn’t have enough time to organize his thoughts before he was in the driveway, watching as Simon locked the door behind him and bounded down the front steps of his house, his hair bouncing off his forehead. He was wearing a worn grey sweater and  tattered jeans. He looked slightly like a disaster, but that didn’t stop Baz’s heart from pounding. In fact, he found it almost endearing.

That didn’t mean he didn’t make fun of him, though.

“Snow your sweater sleeves have holes in them for god's sake,” Baz says as Simon shuts the car door behind him. Simon smiles back at him.

“It’s comfy though.” Baz rolls his eyes, a hint of a smile on his face. They lapse into a comfortable silence as Baz pulls out of the driveway and onto the street. Simon fiddles with the radio, turning the dial until he finds a song he likes. Some American song starts playing and a guitar solo fills the car. Simon starts to mumble along to the lyrics, bobbing his head and tapping his fingers against his legs. He smiles, getting more and more into it. Baz flashes him a look as he bursts into chorus, singing at the top of his lungs. Baz laughs, shaking his head. The song finishes and Simon grins, his eyes wild and bright.

This goes on for a few more songs, with Simon obviously trying to get Baz to join in on his shenanigans. Baz refuses, but can’t seem to help himself once Bohemian Rhapsody starts playing. Simon’s smile only seems to get more dazzling.

They make it to the movie theater, already buzzing and laughing.  Simon skips ahead of Baz, the sun catching in his bronze curls as he turns to him, almost creating a sort of halo around him.

Their hands brush as they head to the ticket line and Baz wonders if he might be dreaming.

_____________

So Love, Simon may have not been the best movie to go see on Simon’s not-date with Baz. For starters, Baz started crying halfway through.

In retrospect, Simon should’ve expected this outcome, even though he didn’t realize Baz was a crier. The entire plot of the movie is something that resonated with so many people, especially people like Baz and… well, he guesses himself, even though he’s not really sure what he is.

Simon never knows how to deal with someone who’s crying. Back when he used to date Agatha, there would be times where she’d have a breakdown over something and everytime Simon felt like he was making the situation worse instead of helping. He’s not cut out for this.

Tentatively, he reaches out to Baz, taking his hand. They’re rougher and boneier than Simon’s, and a lot longer. He blushes as Baz looks over at him. Baz squeezes his hand and Simon feels his heart stutter in his chest, faltering for a moment as their eyes connect.

They don’t let go for the rest of the movie.

________________

“Pen. I have an issue.”

________________

“Ags….. we have a slight problem.”

_________________

“What is it Si? Is it that math test? I told you you have it down you just need to breathe and remember what we worked on.”

_______________

“Since when do you not have a problem, Baz? You’re literally a bigger Drama Queen than me.”

_______________

“No Pen…. it’s not that it’s just….”

_______________

“This is a real problem, Agatha, listen—“

————————-

“I kind of, maybe, sort of, possibly—“

————————

“I may or may not have—“

______________

“Have a crush on Baz.”

_______________

“Fallen in love with Simon.”

______________

Agatha huffs, hanging up the phone after listening to a 30 minute rant on Baz’s part about how perfect Simon’s hair is and the specific shade of blue his eyes are. Honestly .

Immediately, the phone rings again. Grunting, Agatha picks it up, pinching the bridge of her nose.

“Baz I swear to god if I hear one more word about Simon holding your hand I will end you.”

“So he did call you?”

“Penny!”

“Let me guess. You just got off the phone with Baz and his emo bullshit about how Simon will never love him.”

“How did you know?” Penny sighs.

“Because. I just got off of the phone with Simon and his emo bullshit about how Baz will never see him as anything other than a friend.”

“They’re idiots, aren’t they?”

“Yep.” There’s a moment of silence.

“Are we going to intervene?”

“Of course we are.”

________________

All things considered, Baz knew the love letter was a bad idea. He knew the unspoken rule about love letters: if you weren’t planning on sending them, you shouldn’t write them.

But they were a great way to get out frustrations. It was a way for Baz to use his pent up emotion towards something productive and fantasize about telling Simon how he truly felt.

Simon was never meant to read it.

__________________

Was it wrong? Possibly. Was it needed? Most definitely.

Valentine’s day is this Friday, and both Penny and Agatha are sick and tired of Simon and Baz’s complaining, Simon a lot more than Baz. They just didn’t seem to be able to stop with their lovesick moping and at this point it was ridiculous. Neither of them were courageous enough to make the first move, so it was left to Penny and Agatha to make it happen.

When Agatha saw the love letter, she knew exactly what to do.

___________________

Friday was one of the gloomiest days of the week. It was raining, the sky was cloudy, and Simon woke up late and barely had time to run out to Baz’s car to make it to school. Baz threw a fit about it, but Simon couldn’t see why it mattered, considering they still made it there half an hour before school started. Baz complained about how the rain made his hair frizz up as he desperately tried to slick it back again with no avail. Simon liked it better this way, falling loosely around his face in waves, but he didn’t tell Baz that.  

When they arrived, they found that the halls were decorated with bright red and pink hearts and couples stood close together, whispering things in each other’s ears with smiles on their faces as everyone was swept up into the euphoria of Valentines Day. Boyfriends gave their girlfriends roses and cheesy heart shaped boxes filled with chocolate. The hallways were a mess of teenage hormones and whispers of happily ever afters.

Baz seemed to be in a particularly sour mood today, and Simon didn’t blame him. Valentine’s day was just another one of those made up holidays that encouraged consumerism and made single people feel like shit (at least that’s what Baz had said on multiple occasions).

Simon and Baz did all the things they usually did in the morning before school. They dropped off Baz’s violin in the orchestra room, they dropped the books Baz finished off at the library, and met up with Penny and Agatha. Agatha gave them all heart shaped lollipops and little handwritten cards that made Simon tear up a little and give her a big hug. Baz rolled his eyes, but he had a small smile on his face as he whispered a curt, “thank you” to Agatha.

The bell rang. The overhead speakers played some cheesy love songs from the early 2000s, when love songs were in their prime. Baz rolled his eyes and made some sort of snarky remark about the music that made everyone laugh. They walked to class and parted ways, Simon and Penny heading for their math class and Baz and Agatha going towards English. They listened to the monotonous morning announcements and Penny gave Simon a look when he played on his phone instead of paying attention.

Sighing, Simon pulled out his math textbook, grunting at the weight of it. Most teachers didn’t even issue textbooks to the students, let alone used them. At this point, most of them were out of date and teachers found the internet to be a lot more useful. But not Ms. Ortiz. She refused to use the internet and did everything the old fashioned way: textbooks and a white board. A student tried to talk her into using the smart board, claiming that it would be a lot easier to do notes with, but she refused, saying they didn’t have time to fuss with projectors and calibrations.

Simon opened up his textbook to the section they were currently working on. He already had the page marked since he and Baz were working on it last night. It was honestly a miracle Simon passed any of his classes before Baz came along. He was such a calm and patient teacher, not caring how many times Simon messed up. It’s funny, because Simon thought he would be the opposite, but he wasn’t. It’s no wonder he wanted to get a teaching degree when he got out of high school.

Penny taps Simon’s shoulder.

“What now, Pen?” She holds out a white envelope with his name written on it in neat, elegant cursive.

“This fell out of your bag.” Simon frowns, taking it from her hesitantly. He hasn’t seen it before, but he wouldn’t be surprised if it was some letter from his teacher addressed to his father that he shoved to the bottom of his bookbag. His bag was always a disaster of crumpled papers that Penny and Baz teased him relentlessly for. They insisted he organize it, but Simon didn’t really see the point. It was just going to become a mess again.

“Thanks.” Curiously, Simon unfolds the letter, wondering what it might be. He doesn’t remember receiving it at all, so he has no idea what he should expect.

Immediately, he recognizes Baz’s handwriting:

Simon,

I hate you. I hate the way you make me feel, the way you make my heart beat out of my chest and the way you smile at me in a way that makes me feel special. I hate how you’re always there when I need you and will do everything you can to help someone in need. I hate how you have this stupid hero’s complex where you feel like you need to protect everyone in this goddamn school. I hate how you try to hide your pain from me, putting on a brave face. I want to reach out to you, to comfort you, to let you know that it’s ok and you have people who love and care for you; that you aren’t alone.

I don’t know what even drove us to befriend each other Freshman year. We were from completely different universes, but somehow you chipped away at my walls until they crumbled into nothing, and I hate you for it. I hate what the sight of you does to me and I know you will never feel the same.

Simon Snow, you beautiful disaster. How could you be so cruel to make me fall in love with you?

Penny’s looking up at Simon with a curious glance, acting like she isn’t interested when she very much is. Simon doesn’t say anything, just grins widely as he folds the note back up and sets it under his textbook. Penny raises her eyebrow. It’s a skill Simon knows she’s picked up from Baz, but she refuses to admit it.

“You look like Christmas came early. You feeling alright, Simon?”

“Wonderful.”

___________________

Simon corners Baz in the hallway at the end of the day as he’s heading to his car. He bounds up to him, looking like a ray of sunshine as he smiles brightly. Something has him in an outrageously good mood and Baz has no idea what that could be.

Baz, on the other hand, isn’t feeling as good. His teachers assigned him an outrageous amount of homework and he got a low mark on one of his quizzes, even though he knew the material and studied before the test. Baz Pitch was not one for failure, and he felt very embarrassed when Agatha pointed it out to him.

On top of all that, his guilty pleasure love letter to Simon was missing. He hasn’t seen it in two days and he has no idea where it could be, or if it’s in someone else’s hands. Thank god he didn’t sign it. It’s better if nobody knows about his silly crush on Simon.

“Baz,” Simon breathes, his cheeks dusting with red as he stands in front of Baz, looking up through his wild curls. Baz can barely stop his own blush that rises into his cheeks.

“Snow. Need a ride?” Simon looks around.

“Yeah um….” He runs a hand through his curls. “Yeah.”

They walk out to Baz’s car in silence. Usually, Baz is fine with silence between them. It’s always a comforting silence that doesn’t really have a need to be filled, but something about this silence was different. It was thicker, full of a sort of tension Baz couldn’t quite place. Simon seemed to be anxious about something, as if he were trying to find a way to put it into words.  

Simon Snow is shit with words. He’s gotten better over the years, sure. English class did wonders on him, but he did seem to have a hard time annunciating his feelings in a way Baz could understand. After four years of friendship, Baz is proud to say he can usually interpret Simon’s mutterings, but it wasn’t always like that. Middle school was awful for the both of them and Baz was always frustrated with Simon’s incapability to string together sentences. He was short tempered, and it took him a while to finally give Simon a chance to get out what he needed to say.

So he did the same now. He didn’t say anything, didn’t pressure him, didn’t force him to say anything. He let the silence stretch on, letting Simon fill it on his own terms when he was ready

They climb into the car and just as Baz is about to put it in reverse, Simon puts his hands over Baz’s, stopping him from leaving. Baz looks up at him, grey eyes meeting blue. There’s a moment of tension, then Simon pulls his hands away.

“Baz, I—“ Simon stops, furrowing his brow.

“Go on, Snow.”

“It’s just…. I guess…. I just… Ugh.” Simon pulls at his curls in frustration, his face getting redder by the minute.

“It’s ok. Calm down. Take your time.” Simon takes a deep breath.

“It’s just…. I saw your letter.” Baz freezes, going stiff all over.

“What letter?”

“The one you wrote to me? And slipped into my bag?”

Oh no.

_____________

“Shit.” Baz knocks his head against the steering wheel, groaning.

“Look, Simon I'm sorry I—“

“I feel the same.”

“What?” Simon gulps.

“I… I like you too.” Baz scoffs.

“No you don’t,” he says, leaning back in his seat and brushing his charcoal locks out of his eyes. Simon lays a gentle hand on his arm.

“Yes I do, Baz.” Silence fills the car. Simon feels like he can’t breathe as each moment stretches on, the only audible sounds being their heartbeats and breaths.

“I—“ Simon says, averting his gaze as he coughs awkwardly, seeming very uncomfortable. “I’m sorry, it must’ve been a mistake I—“ suddenly, so quickly it happens between one blink and the next, Baz grabs his shirt and pulls Simon to him, planting a firm kiss on his lips. Almost as quickly as he leaned in, Baz pulls away.

But Simon doesn’t let him. He puts his hands on either side of Baz’s face, kissing him with years of pining and desperation. He feels Baz sigh against his lips, bringing his hands up to rest on Simon’s broad shoulders, not daring to move them. Simon threads his fingers through Baz’s hair, marveling at how soft it is. He feels like he’s floating, his heart beating as fast as it can, on the verge of exploding. He doesn’t really mind though. Because he’s kissing Baz. I’m kissing Baz.

Simon pulls away, a grin on his face. His face is so open in that moment, so vulnerable. Baz feels a small smile that’s unbearably soft pull at his own lips.

“I like this version of you, Baz.”

“What are you talking about?”

“I like it when we aren’t friends.”

“Wow that’s really nice—“

“I wanna be your boyfriend,” Simon says, a wide grin on his face. Baz sucks in a breath, his grey eyes searching Simon’s.

“Yes,” he says breathily. Simon grins and leans in for another kiss.

----

“Welbelove this was your doing, wasn’t it?”

“What ever could you be talking about, my dearest Basilton?” she asks innocently. Baz huffs.

“You stole my letter! And gave it to Simon!”

“Oh that? It sounds more of a Penny plot to me.”

“Wellbelove.”

“Don’t get mad at me, Basil. You got the boy, didn’t you?” Baz can practically hear her wiggling her eyebrows at him over the phone. He’s sitting in his car in Simon’s driveway as Simon walks up to his doorstep. He turns around at the last moment, grinning brightly and waving back at Baz. Baz waves back.

“I hate you more than you even know, Wellbelove.”

“Thought so,” she says, hanging up on him. Baz can’t help the smile that crosses his lips.

[ratsketches]

Ok folks, I was going to wait until I’d finished the game to post some of my thoughts and I think I will still probably do that, but I wanted to put one of my main thoughts in particular out there before I do.

Spoilers down below (this is probably gonna be super messy and I might ramble for a bit but I wanted to get this out here while I can before I play any further).

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hohhhhhkay so. Look, I totally totally get the frustration with the ending and everything to do with Abby. I’m only on Seattle day two because I’ve been exploring as much as I can with the game and I’ve been taking breaks here and there and stuff. Right now I’m having a bloody amazing time with the game - I definitely have some issues with some stuff but overall I’m absolutely loving the game.

With that being said, I’ve had the ending spoiled to me and everything to do with the farm which sucks because it was one of the biggest things I was looking forward to finding out for myself but whatever.

Right now everything has been amazing - acting has been stellar, visuals have been insane, gameplay as been so damn addicting and engaging and so on. Everything in the story to me is working alright and I’m digging it - I understand that Joel had to die for this whole revenge stuff to work. I’m still devastated that it happened (and holy hell that birthday scene literally broke me).

However, I’ve heard plenty about the second half of the game that has got me kind of apprehensive. I’m still going to keep an open mind like I did with the whole game but I’m really not keen on playing as Abby. I’m definitely interested to learn more about Lev and Yara and even Abby herself, although right now I really couldn’t care less about any of the WLF members that attacked Joel (besides from Mel who seemed like she really wasn’t on board with what they were all doing to Joel).

I’m still very interested to see what they do with the story (even though I know about the leaks and everything) but I’m definitely anxious about it.

I won’t lie, part of me was honestly hoping that Abby would either kill Joel and realise it didn’t make her happy, or she would take him with them and end up becoming on neutral grounds with him - not friends or enemies and she’s still bitter at him, but she lets him go. Or if they are still going to kill him then I would have preferred it if rather than the ending we get with Ellie letting her go, they break the cycle of violence together and Ellie is able to go back home with Dina and so on.

They can still do the ptsd stuff and Abby can still bite her fingers or whatever, but why the hell couldn’t we have had Ellie working through it together with Dina at the end?? I totally get them wanting to show how much this cycle fucks everything up but come on.

I get what story they were trying to tell but when it comes to rep, this kind of stuff really kind of works against it. I get it’s a zombie game and bad shit happens and I know bad things will happen to the characters regardless of whether or not they’re gay, but come on.

Dina and Ellie’s relationship was so soft and wondeful - honestly some of my favourite moments in this game were just the two of them supporting each other and getting to see their relationship grow and I wish the game had followed through with that to the very end rather than the ending they went with. They could have still worked parts of it into it and given the characters a nice setup for part 3.

Speaking of which, I honestly feel like they should have kept the game to two parts - two halves of the same coin and seeing both sides of humanity, the characters, etc seems to be a big theme of both games so I don’t really see why they would want to stretch this out to three games when it could just be the first being the lighter of the two and stuff and the second showing the harsher side of humanity - while both still show how no matter how horrific things get, people will love and support each other and the human connections we have are what matters.

I honestly wish that instead of Abby being against Ellie, the two ended up working together and Abby becomes an ally - maybe instead of being the one to kill Joel, she ends up helping Ellie to realise getting revenge won’t make her happy or something and so Ellie ends up going home to live with Dina on their farm. I just keep thinking back to that scene with Abby killing Joel and I swear her face looks devastated when she sees Ellie - I could be totally wrong but to me when I saw her, I saw her immediately realising she had just done exactly what Joel did to her. She stole a father away from a daughter, just like what had happened to her.

I wish we could have gotten Abby regretting her decision - or hell, even just her stopping the attack and she doesn’t do the final blow because she realises what she’s doing.

To be honest with me, I’m frustrated at Tommy too because Ellie could have had a happy life with Dina in the farm, but Tommy convincing her to go makes me wish they just both flat out refused - maybe Dina telling him it wasn’t fair for him to ask that of her and trying to use what happened to Joel to get him to help her or whatever. Just the two of them saying no.

I love Tommy as a character but I would have preferred Tommy losing it as he goes along with this cycle of revenge - they could have easily had him spiralling down and losing it with Ellie and Dina at first being more than willing to help him, but gradually questioning if what they’re doing is worth it. I would have loved to see them turn to him at the end and just say they’re not gonna follow him through with this. Hell, they even kind of do it in Seattle day one - Dina is horrified at what Tommy is doing and the two of them can understand why he’s doing what he is, but as time goes on they change and perhaps even Abby could end up being a part of that change, or hell they could have even had it where Tommy and Abby fight instead of Ellie and her.

I’m definitely very grateful for the stuff we did get with Ellie and Dina - all the little touches and dialogue of them and all the cutscenes of them made me so damn happy. Getting to see this healthy beautifully sweet relationship as a lesbian who always wanted to see more stuff like this in games - especially big AAA ones was amazing. I have seen parts of the ending and second half but I haven’t played them so I won’t comment on it yet but yeah, this applies to everything that has happened so far up to Seattle day 2.

Bluh ok this is super messy but dhdjd idk hopefully this makes a little bit of sense - I want to try and post a full thing that’s properly written after I’ve finished the game but hopefully this works for now. Going to go and include some screenshots down below of the notes I’ve been taking down while I’ve been playing too just for fun:

[hedgefairy]

Well hello there. While I'm waiting for that breeches video I've been talking about to finally upload, here's

Bridgerton, Episode 4

Phew, half time!

If you've missed the other ones, the tag is Bridgerbore, btw.

Okay, so we start of with Dukey who's going home-ish because drama and heartbreak in the last episode. Stop pretending, nobody takes your pouting seriously! We all know it's twu wuv!

Erm. So, I know, I'm white and this is a delicate matter, but I gotta say I'm not super happy about the whole POC-justifying explanation here. I'd much rather have no explanation at all, it worked perfectly well in Merlin, and this is just as much historically inspired fantasy just with less magic, which I'm honestly quite upset about. I'd be far more okayer with the costumes and overall ugh-ness if there was magic.

But honestly, I'm not a fan of shoehorning that explanation in (it doesn't seem to come up in the books, either, where everyone is basically a baguette in terms of whiteness). The fact that the implications aren't discussed any further makes it even worse. We're talking about the British empire here, and while POC are apparently part of the society (but with more pressure, which... no, this is not how nobility works) the wealth and luxury of this age still stems from the exploitation of POC everywhere else. How isn't there a revolution going on? How is this not talked about? From all I see, Bridgerton is a fluffy, pastel, nice alternate version of the 1800s, and I don't get why anyone would put politics in there instead of just doing what TV tropes refers to as "colourblind casting" and be done with it. Either you do the alternate history thing thoroughly, or you just cast people for being pretty (and maybe good actors) instead of the idea the audience might have about a character's skin colour and have weird costumes and just roll with it.

Also the Queen's marriage seems to suck. I would have liked a deeper, more heartbreaking connection between George III and her, especially because I saw how my Grandmother suffered when she gradually lost my Grandfather to dementia, and it would have been a scene where we could see Charlotte as a person rather than a weird plot device in tafetta and bling, but no, she just seems as annoyed and bored and snappish as ever.

This is getting far too serious. Where's the snark?

We get some Tchaikovsky in the background, which is weird, tbh. Yes, I'm perfectly fine with them covering Top 40s hits and using waltzes from the 1950s, but I draw the line at something from the second half of the 19th century! It's not right! It screams its time of origin all over the place, and even worse, most of the characters would probably actually get to hear it later in their lives, it's not a decent anachronism, it just feels like bad research! This is serious business!

No really, where's the snark?

Oooh, I get it now. That was when I was really, really done with bingeing this show. Yes, I tried to get through as much of it as possible in one sitting. The notes read, in very shaky handwriting

I cannot possibly take more than that

in one day

, so let's continue a few days later when I felt like I could muster the courage to face it again.

So yes, I'm pretty sure this waltz is to young for this show.

Aww, look at that, flirting over cheese! I also like that one of the Featherington girls (I can't really tell the non-Pennys apart) has a suitor, they deserve nice things, too.

The musicians are a mood.

WTF with the hair and the strass. We don't like the strass. Make it go away.

I love Prince Freddy. The poor boy. It's doomed from the start!

Ah, Dukey (also at the ball, even though he was whining about things earlier) gets a heartbeat in the background, because twu wuv.

Middle Bridgerbro goes and meets with the Bohéme. I want more of that! That's finally interesting! That's my people! There's a cool bohemian lady with a pretty dress! People look interesting! Aaaah!

There's a random 18th century burlesque singer at this Regency ball, we need to talk about this. Oooh, it's Opera Girl! Cue Lord B turning into even more of an idiot while Ma Bridgerton tries to hook him up otherwise.

Of course Philippa (that's one of the Featherington Girls) can't possibly have anything nice. Thanks, Dad. You don't get to marry someone you like, that's the people across the street's thing! (by which I of course mean the Bridgertons, just in case anyone forgot the location layout here.)

Eloise is being weird to the housekeeper.

"Are you not supposed to be the smart one", the housekeeper retorts and I'm feeling it, followed by a "WTH, hero" about how servants are too busy to be Gossip Girl, you privileged prat. I think I actually snorted.

Penny gossips with Ducktail Colin, but he's more interested in Cousin, whose dress looks like it was made from the cheap curtains my ex best friend had in his first semester at uni, and God, I hate Daphne's kerchief.

Poor Prince Freddie is trying to propose to Protagonis Girl but of course there's Dukey in the background so she simply must run outside as dramatically as possible where he can find her as she equally dramatically rips the necklace Freddie gave her from her milky white throat. P&P-ish banter ensues. Yawn.

Dukey: * broods *

Daphne: * dramatically exits *

Dukey: * romantically follows her*, and oooh, snogging ensues, oooooh, instant second base, but Bridgerbro the Eldest (known also as Lord B) intervenes.

Lord B: "Marry her!"

Dukey: "I can't!"

Lord B: "Bitch!"

Dukey: "I can't!"

Lord B: "I want satisfaction!"

Me: "Don't we all"

Daphne: "You'd rather die than marry me?!"

(the fuck with her hair)

Middle Bridgerbro is still at the Bohéme-party, and still draws (naked people!). Gay vibes ensue, it's cute. This is Netflix after all, and it took four episodes to get some LGBTQ+ representation!

The Featherington's housekeeper looks a lot like O'Brien from Downton.

Cousin tells Penny about what a cutie Ducktail Colin is, also Penny's "night gown" is really cute (it's not a night gown. She's still wearing stays. It's also the only thing in the whole series that fits her well so far). Penny is super upset but gets interrupted by a hyperfocused Eloise. They fight, and Penny goes on about being mature and not being a "pretty Bridgerton", and that Eloise wouldn't understand. I get her, though, and really, having a perfect family and a "bad" family is such lazy writing.

Somber blah blah between Lord B and Daphne happens and Middle Bridgerbro gets dragged into it. He's informed that his life is pretty much over either way (either way being Lord B dying or being exiled for killing Dukey in the scheduled duel) because his oder bro basically just wants out of his duties. Sucks to be him.

Boxing Bro has to host a frustrated, possibly blueballed Dukey and offers himself up as a second for the duel.

Lord B goes and pleads with Opera Girl to get back with him (doooooon't) because of his little duelling plot and of course intercourse ensues. Girl, where's your self-respect?

Lord F comes into his dark study (we haven't seen much of him yet overall, he probably was too busy gambling) and hark, there's Lady F like the mafia boss I feel she should be, wo berates him about said gambling and that they're broke and how much he sucks. He starts crying, thumbs up for male vulnerability!, but it's kinda played for laughs via her awkward patting of him. Because of course (and I bet the late Daddy Bridgerton would never have lost his composure like that, but he didn't gamble, either, and these are the Featheringtons)

Lord B leaves Opera Girl for THE DUEL (I feel like this almost deserves a ™ by now).

We get gallopping horses! The drama! The panache! Daphne asks Ducktail Colin where it's going down because she wants to stop them, insert pandering feminist ranting about her choosing her own life but I don't really feel it and I wonde where her bangs go when she sleeps because her hair looks so different all of a sudden.

Lord B makes Middle Bridgerbro promise to care for Opera Girl in case he dies.

More gallopping horses! Daphne and her billowing cloak are pretty epic, to be honest, and there's Ducktail Colin on her heels. It's basically a family outing now!

Ugh, I like the seconds in this duel so much more. They should just off and go for a pint or something and leave Lord B and Dukey to their misery.

Duelling protocol ensues. Ten steps, blah blah, nice camera work, though.

Daphne full on rides into her brother's bullet, but she's fine (it would have been so dramatic, can you imagine? It would have been interesting!).

Oh no, they were seen (by her romantic rival, back when they had the dramatic make-outery in the park at the ball after the botched proposal. Sorry, Cressida is such a much better name than Daaaaphneeee. I have a RPG character called Cressida, I might be biased.), she's ruined if they don't marry!. and so she is basically emotionally blackmailing him into marrying her. But he can "never give [her] children!", and goes on how she deserves a household full of love like her family home because the Bridgertons are such a perfect family. God, they all annoy me so much.

Daphne ends the duel by saying that the Duke and her are to be married, with a pained facial expression, no less. I think I just wanna throw a pie in her face or something.

And that concludes Episode 4. That was a long one! Only four more to go! So this is

To be Continued!

Thank you for making it this far with me!

[thotyssey]

RePoint: Erika Klash

Thotyssey knew in 2016 that our very first On Point Interview needed to be with somebody dynamic, colorful and fascinating. Who better then Erika Klash, then just starting to make a splash with her wholly original brand of colorful cosplay drag? A year later, we’re delighted to catch up with Erika -- now a Californian -- a few days after her debut on the second season of World of Wonder’s thrilling drag monster competition, “Dragula!”

Thotyssey: Erika, hello again! Thanks for talking to us! How was your Halloween? Erika Klash: My Halloween was great! It was a whirlwind weekend. The Halloween Ball on the 28th, The Dragula Season 2 premiere on the 30th... and then yesterday, the premiere episode dropped!

OMG I just watched it today! I'm gonna ask you all about it, but first, let's catch up... we miss you here in NYC since you left us for San Francisco! Did you basically have to start over when you got there, or did people already have an idea of you from Insta & YouTube? I am fortunate enough to have had a good online presence before the move. A few girls knew who I was before I got to town, but in a lot of ways it was like starting over. The drag is very different in SF, and I’ve done my best to embrace the differences. Peaches Christ and Heklina I had had the privilege of working with prior to the move, so I definitely had them in my corner from the beginning. Building a whole new local network from scratch was tough, but I’m really happy with how I’ve grown from these challenges. I’m still getting to know the girls in SF, but they have all been super welcoming.

Can you describe the San Fran drag scene for us? The San Francisco scene is very community oriented. A lot of queens are activists, and there is a real focus on punk rock / subversive drag. The shows here are such that you end up doing only 1 or 2 numbers, and you are expected in some way to make a production of those numbers, whether that’s with backup dancers or props. That's interesting! Aesthetically, you must fit in pretty seamlessly there.

I don’t fit into any box, so as long as I can understand what works performance-wise, I can always make it work.

Have you and your boyfriend been able to establish, like, a whole San Fran routine yet? Favorite places, a circle of friends, etc? It seems like you were barely there before Dragula happened. That’s right, I was only here for a few months before Dragula, and have only recently returned! I’ve definitely made a lot of friends in the drag scene. I’ve been taking sewing and costume design lessons with Bea Dazzler, one of the pioneers of Trannyshack, along with Peaches and Heklina. We have favorite restaurants and parks, stuff like that.

So, when you first watched the debut season of World of Wonder’s Dragula -- a California-based drag competition web series presented by the Boulet Brothers where contestants and challenges explore more alternative, “darker” realms of drag -- did you immediately want to be a part of the new season? 

Actually, it hadn’t really entered my mind that Dragula was an option. Truth be told, I was actually auditioning for [WoW’s flagship TV show] RuPaul’s Drag Race, when I saw that there was going to be a Season 2 of Dragula. When I watched Season 1, I was under the impression it would be LA queens only for Season 2 as well. Vander Von Odd and Darren Stein both encouraged me to audition, and I was lucky enough to get on! I’ve always wanted to expand on horror and filth elements in my drag, and this was the perfect opportunity. Now I consider myself to be a complete drag monster. The more I thought about it, the more Dragula made sense to me. Dragula is a huge breath of fresh air. For a long time, I’ve felt that drag was getting too straight-oriented. The queerness was blanching away. So it felt disingenuous to say I wanted to be a Drag Race girl.

Drag Race, as wonderful a show as it is and for all the opportunities it has provided for queens, is partially responsible for that mainstreaming or  "straightening" of drag.

To me, Drag Race and Dragula are two different but complementary visions of what a successful drag career can be. The more opportunities we have, the better. And we all owe so much to Mother Ru and what’s she’s done with Drag Race.

For all the variety of drag performance that exists throughout New York, you can see the result of that mainstreaming of the genre in a lot of venues here, for better or worse.

In NYC, I adapted as best I could to make my work suitable for a wide range of crowds. As you know, drag in NYC is about hosting long shows and adapting to the interests of the crowd. Sometimes it’s a bunch of jaded gays who don’t want a drag show in their bar. Or you get tourists, etc. Dragula was a way for me to grow in a different direction and gain some new skills that were more in alignment with what I wanted for the future.

What was the audition process like for the show?

I can’t go into too much detail about the audition process, so I’ll recap some common knowledge stuff. You have to submit photos representing your best personal drag style, as well as the three tenets of Dragula: horror, filth, and glamour. You also must do an acting scene, edit in some live performance videos, and answer some questions.

Was it hard to keep the secret that you were cast for however long you needed to keep it prior to the official announcement? Absolutely. There was some time when I was gigging in SF and had been cast, and I of course had to keep quiet. Also, we were taping the show in LA, so I had to avoid being seen out and about in LA during taping. And were you familiar with any of the queens on your season prior to the taping of the first episode? James and I learned of each other shortly before taping. Abhorra, Bitch Puddin, and Felony Dodger I had worked with once each in LA. Other than that, the girls were a surprise!

I was taken aback when these queens came hard for each other immediately in the dressing room. There was quite a lot of personal beef between many of them prior to the show, and they weren’t shy about laying it all out for us. You were trying to be the peacemaker, but was it very awkward to be in the middle of that? It was not awkward at all. I always have a very specific and strong point of view. But as a writer, I have learned to word myself in a way that is firm but fair. It’s easy to get your point across if you don’t back down from your opinion, but also back up what you say with reason and objectivity. Being a monster has less to do with being a bitch, and more to do with being a strong person. And I wanted to represent that in that first boudoir scene.

I was definitely not expecting the claws to come out that quickly, though.

OMG, I have to ask.... Disasterina! Is that really her voice??? You will have to see! The thing about Disasterina is: she is a straight male playing a character. She has a lot of other characters, and a lot of experience in different kinds of art. This is just one creation of hers. And everything is so well thought out!

I also loved that blue-bearded look of yours when you all had to jump out of your body bags in the beginning of the episode. How long did you have to be in that bag? We were in that bag for a long time! After a while it got really warm in there. So I spent the whole time terrified my beard or nails would come off! 

You kept it together! So for your first main challenge, you had to create a Cenobite look a la Clive Barker’s Hellraiser that still represented your personal drag style. The judges came down pretty hard on your take. I loved it overall, but I saw what they meant about it not being Cenobitey enough. It was an obvious challenge for you to incorporate Erika’s aesthetic into that, though, because you’re generally so colorful while Cenobites are so dark and demonically fetishy. In hindsight, can you think of what you could've done differently?

Well, there are definitely certain things about that look that could have been better executed. I think I was also lacking in terms of performance. I needed to make stronger choices as a character.

I initially had an instinct to go way outside of my box,  but I was concerned that I’d miss the mark on the challenge requirements. The challenge is not just to be any old Cenobite. The challenge is to turn yourself into one. So, there was just a fundamental disconnect between what I am and what a Cenobite is. It was a lot easier for the other girls in the competition. It was an uphill battle from the start.

That being said, the more I see the look, the more I love it. It’s so cool.

I have to confess, I couldn't watch the scene where they stuck you with needles, as the final challenge for the bottom three to remain in the competition. I could barely even listen to thescene’s audio -- it was nightmarish. But you handled it really well, and even said that you found it exhilarating! What was really going on there? Well, when I knew that I would be in the bottom, at first I felt very angry. If I’m such a bad fit, then why did they cast me? What was my purpose? And then all of a sudden a fire lit up in me. I was so determined to stay and prove myself. And I knew that I’d need to do something I didn’t think I could do in order to grow from this experience. Once the needles started coming in, I learned to compartmentalize the pain and the fear. It’s only going to affect you if you let it affect you. This competition tests more than just creativity. It’s about true monstrosity in one’s character, and their personal strength. So is the physical pain of that situation real, or is it mostly mental, do you think? Oh, the physical pain is real. You can’t deny that it fucking hurts. But is it within my ability to do it? Absolutely. The focus then becomes what can I achieve instead of what can I endure. Was that a sanitary situation? Like, were these "needle piercing experts," or whatever, and were they doing it safely? Yes, everything was done in the safest way possible. We all consented to participate, and we are all happy and healthy today (I keep reminding my mom this). Just making sure!

Well, congratulations for surviving the episode and moving forward in the competition! Another device of the show is that all the eliminated contestants film a gory “death scene.”  Are those all filmed at once for everyone, or does the queen already know she’s eliminated when she films the scene?

I’ll plead the fifth on that question! Fair enough! And there really isn't much more I can ask about the show at this point, or else I'd be looking at my own death scene! Is there anything you can say about what we can expect from the rest of the season?

Just to tune in and enjoy the show! Every Tuesday 7pm Pacific and 10pm eastern on World of Wonders’ YouTube channel!

I see you’re travelling around the country for some shows pretty soon. You're gonna be in DC this month... any trips back to NYC planned in the near future?

Yes! I will be in NYC from November 14th through the 28th! Stay tuned for info on viewing parties in NYC featuring me. On November 17th, Crimson Kitty and I will be co-hosting a show together at Bizarre Bushwick called Kitty Klash, a drag and burlesque cosplay show.

Can’t wait! And you’ll be back at the Austin International Drag Festival this month also? Yes! That will be from November 9–12 in Austin, Texas! Myself as well as the Boulet Brothers and Loris will be headlining.

I’m so honored to be your first interviewer post-premiere, especially considering you were our first interviewee ever! Okay, so in closing: what is your best piece of advice for a drag performer who just doesn't fit into a neat box, and doesn't want to conform, but still wants success? Biggest advice that I take every day is: have a unique perspective on your drag, but keep finding new ways to express those perspectives. Broaden your skill set, and expand on what you do.

Thank you Erika, and congratulations on all your success! You do New York and San Francisco proud!

Watch Erika Klash on Season 2 of “Dragula” on World of Wonder’s YouTube channel, and follow Erika on Facebook, Instagram, Twitter and YouTube.

Previously: Erika Klash (3.12.2016)

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