#and i wouldn't have to wear clothes i hate for the sake of being presentable

[ikemenomegas]

Can I ask about Satoru kinks?

Ofc, answer when you'll have some more time 🧡

hi! yeah XD I got this when I was traveling so I did not have time. Thank you for your patience. I have been trying to answer this question myself for a very long time so you're finally forcing me to put words to paper T.T, we hate making decisions

Satoru isn't primarily "kinky" but he is adventurous and endlessly curious. In a way, it's easier to say what he won't try/hasn't liked...

Bondage is a no-go from a rational standpoint, Satoru also isn't that comfortable being in a vulnerable position he can't get out of. He does however like being able to get away and either being forced (read manhandled) or choosing not to.

Also not a fan of any kind of weapon play, they've just never struck him as romantic or sexual thing - he knows it can be sensual but he's always grown up with these kinds of things as tools to kill, it would make him uncomfortable for either him or you to put that next to one another's skin. Role playing something that needs a sword/other weapon dance though, that's hot and he'd be down to be either the audience or the dancer.

He likes for you to touch him, which means gloves are not a turn on for him, not unless they're coming off at some point.

Which leads into the first actual "kink". I think I've mentioned this before, but he likes the power dynamic of you wearing clothes and him not. It gives you access to as much of him as you can possibly reach. Even if he has to take a break and pull Infinity between you for a minute, it still lets him feel like he's present in an intimate moment with you.

I also don't think he's into degradation. He gets enough of people yelling and being annoyed with him in his work life. When he's with you, it feels good to be good for you, and to know that you approve, that there aren't wrong choices, there's someone listening to him and who he can listen to. He's kind of into dirty talk though - call him a messy boy, tell him what you're going to do to him right before you do it. Talking during sex also gives him a window in which to redirect things if he decides he needs them to go a different direction. Go along with him, he likes the push and pull.

If you start edging Satoru, you're going to find him trying to take control of the situation, unless you can convince him otherwise. Unlike at least one other certain character who prefers to ride the high as long as possible because he doesn't get a very acute sense of relief from coming, Satoru is not used to being denied, not used to waiting. Coming once makes him hungry for more, and even though he'll indulge you for the sake of listening to you, his obedience and patience aren't going to last long if you insist on bringing him to the edge without fulfillment too many times, and definitely not for the sake of torment. Satoru has found he rather enjoys overstimulation - the place where pleasure pushes even further into more, into more sensation, into finally sating his need for being both aware and comfortably drifting.

Other than that, I think he genuinely enjoys gentleness. It surprises him, the first time you are so delicate with him. He should be used to it, you're just like this. You wouldn't even hit him the first time he came at you telegraphing all intention to kill. But it's never denial. It's just a stepping aside, like the way you fight. It's parrying the sharp point of his wants, redirecting the force of him until you finally come at him head-on, meeting him and matching him. As much as he likes it though, the inherent vulnerability of allowing you to be gentle with him is disarming, often becomes too much.

When you're new to one another physically, he can latch onto the fact that your way of learning his body is also very much about you not wanting to do harm and wanting to make it good for him. Once you know him though, it's often uncomfortably overwhelming - he feels too exposed being "known". You learn to pepper in different paces and emotions so it's not always Satoru pulling away when you get too close to the underdeveloped, emotional part of him. He always wants it, that vaseline focus of yours, one of the few remaining places in your heart soft enough for him to lodge deep like a thorn, but he won't often let you give it to him. Sometimes though, just sometimes, that's the only thing he wants and needs and he finally lets you make love to him.

[prince-icarus]

honestly if i could just live my entire life without leaving my house i'd be alright

[wearequeer-andwearehere]

OK, gender crisis time. All my life I've been comfortable being a cis girl. I had physical dysmorphia about my chest, and my voice is naturally deep so in high school theatre I often acted in male roles, but other than that I was like 100% cis.

I've been wanting to get a reduction because 1) of my dysmorphia and 2) it's really hard to fell confident doing active stuff when your tits are jiggling like an anime girl's from moving too much. This Thanksgiving, my mom said she wasn't morally opposed to the idea anymore.

And suddenly I find myself in a whirl of gender nonsense that can be summed up more or less by this: "I can remake myself. I can look like the person I really am. Wait. WHAT AM I?"

So now Im wondering if perhaps nonbinary fits me better or if I'm just overreacting, and I want to try acting more NB but now my dysmorphia has turned to dysphoria like "no matter what, everyone will think you're a girl because of your chest, even if you only speak in your lowest register and wear boys' clothes and get rid of all your other feminine habits" BUT I DONT WANT TO GIVE UP MY OTHER HABITS. I like being cute and I like wearing purple and I like spinning and dancing when I walk so now Im wondering if I'm really just saying Im NB to be quirky and I dont know what the hell I am anymore. I like being a girl but I hate that I look like a girl but I love my body except my chest and I like using they/them pronouns but I'm just being a drama queen but if I were just being dramatic for the sake of being dramatic it wouldn't hurt so much, right?

Ayyy fuck yeah mate, I’m so happy you can get a reduction!!

Literally tho you can remake yourself. You can change ur name and body and gender and pronouns and your hair and clothes literally man, do whatever the hell you want!!!

Listen no matter what you are a valid nonbinary person. Even if you’re feminine, even if you like purple and you like dancing even even even even if, you are nonbinary and valid.

Hmmm dunno how to tell you this mate but like. Obsessing over whether or not you’re nonbinary? Not very cisgender of you there

Here’s a post on gender dysphoria you might wanna read, it might help you understand your experiences better. I’d also suggest reading through the links of other people’s experiences.

“Just overrreacting” is a fear many trans/nby people have, but I promise you, you’re not overreacting, okay? If you wanna be nonbinary you can be nonbinary.

You’re not doing it “just to be quirky”—why would you fake smth that makes you worry this much? It doesn’t make sense, you’re not doing it to be quirky if it’s giving you this much stress.

You don’t have to give up your other habits!! You don’t have to at all!! Be feminine, like pink and purple and dance and and spin and present however makes you feel the most comfortable!! You’re still a valid nonbinary person if you’re feminine!!

Also like...if you do get a reduction/get top surgery, then like, your chest won’t be as prominent. It isn’t permanent, yknow, and you won’t look like this forever if you choose not to. You can choose to get too surgery/get a reduction, you can choose to bind if you want, like if you hate your chest this much you can literally just be like “begone breasts” and get a reduction like it isn’t permanent!! Like literally if u want to u can just get rid of them

And remember that if you’re nonbinary your body is a nonbinary body. Not a girl body. Yknow why? Because ur nonbinary and it’s ur body, that means it’s a nonbinary body!

And know that no matter what there will Always be people who will perceive u as your correct gender and will think of you as nonbinary, whether it be the trans community or online friends or people you’re out to, you are not doomed to Forever and Always be perceived as a girl by everyone. As another trans person ik it feels like that sometimes but there will Always be people who will know you as the right gender kay? 

Just because you like being a girl doesn’t mean you’re not nonbinary. Being trans/nby isn’t about hating your AGAB but instead being happier as another gender.

Does being nonbinary make you happy? Congrats, you can be nonbinary!!

Now, anon, what I want you to do is take a deep breath, and disregard everything you’ve ever thought about your gender. All of it. Doesn’t matter. What terminology you use, dysphoria, pronouns, everything. And I’m going to ask you one question.

What makes you feel happy?

You don’t need to obsess over your gender. Stop asking yourself “what gender am I?” and ask yourself, “what makes me feel happiest and truest to myself?”

Does being trans make you feel happy? Be trans! Does being nonbinary make you feel true to yourself? Be nonbinary. Does using they/them make you happy? Use they/them! Chase the happy feelings and things will fall into place. Happiness first, labels second.

My advice, try on the label. Say “I’m nonbinary,” see how it feels! Either it’ll fit, which is awesome, I’m so happy for you!! Or it won’t fit, which is cool too!! You’re one step closer to finding a label that does!!

See, there’s this thing called gender euphoria! Basically, it’s the happiness you feel, or euphoria, when you’re called the right name/pronouns, or perceived as the right gender! As I was saying earlier, it’s about what makes you happy.

Be happy. Ily.

And remember the entire trans community is here for you and we love and support you, and no matter how lonely it might feel remember that there are so many others like you and there have been throughout history, who have lived and loved and cried and laughed, we have always been here. You are not alone. Ily. 

You’re not alone and it can seem hard sometimes with dysphoria and confusion and nights laying awake wondering why why why but you are not alone. The trans community is here for you. I’m your brother, kay? And you’re my sibling and I’m here for you and I love you so so much. 

I hope I could help you out, and I wish you luck with your gender journey! Lmk if you have any more questions, and I hope you have a great day! Sending my love <33

[rashenditrash]

Had a not great day today, so here's some sad Kadolin which I wrote to help me feel stuff.

So I've done something like this before when I wrote "An Expert in Just About Everything" - that is reworking a scene from the books with different characters.  ROW SPOILERS AHEAD.

This time around, as soon as I read Chapter 12 of of Rhythm of War, I knew I wanted to do a rewrite of the scene with the roles reversed.  While I love Kadolin's dynamic, I'm personally not a huge fan of writing Shallan off because I also love her individually, and her and Adolin's relationship.  With that in mind, the premise of the following scene is that Shallan is deep undercover, and Adolin believes (incorrectly) that she is dead.  I think this could make for some very interesting conversations down the road.  In my mind, it would be less about the typical drama, and more about "okay, how do we make this work".  Maybe if writing this inspires me I'll continue the narrative.

For maximum effect, I'd recommend reading Chapter 12 of Rhythm of War first (and maybe Chapter 21), and hopefully you can pick up on the parallels.  

Anyways, here it goes ROW SPOILERS AHEAD:

She's gone.  Adolin felt dim, unreal, like he was hovering between realms.  Is this how you feel? he wondered to Maya.  Unfortunately, Maya could not answer for him, and Adolin just felt lost.  Adolin stiffly moved towards his rooms, the rooms he used to share with his wife, and turned and closed the door with a firm push.  

Only then did he break.  He didn't make it to the chair or the bed.  He sank down with his back to the wall beside the door.  He tried to unbutton his well tailored jacket - storms why did he always need clothing that fit so snug?  His fingers fumbled at the ornate buttons, but found no purchase.  He tried to gasp, his chest and abdomen straining against his suddenly restrictive clothing.  His entire body seemed to tremble as agonyspren twisted in an out, twisted faces carved from stone, mocking him in his loneliness.  

Come on.  You've known loss before.  You got through losing your mother.  You can do this.  Adolin sobbed, and grabbed a scarf to muffle the sound.  Why couldn't he pull himself together, like he had back then?  The answer was obvious.  When his mother had died, and his father had abandoned them for drink.  There was no choice but to keep things together for Renarin's sake.  He had been the only one looking out for his brilliant little brother.  Now, Renarin was well and living his own life, and Adolin was just . . .

Alone.

He'd always hated that word.  All his life Adolin strove to surround himself in people - it didn't matter of they were common soldiers, lordly courtiers, or girlfriends, so long as they were there, with him, taking up space beside him.  But to seek the comfort of company now felt wrong, like a betrayal to the person whose absence he wanted to fill more than anything.   

A knock came at his door.  Adolin bit down hard on his scarf.  Please just go away.  The knock became more insistent.  Adolin tried to catch his breath, and glanced at a nearby mirror.  Come on, he told himself, Present yourself.  He sniffed three times and fanned his face, banishing the tears from his eyes.  He ran his hand through his hair a couple of times, until it settled into its familiar pattern of calculated dishevelment.  As he stood, he straightened his shirt and jacket, each motion of tidying his appearance soothing him a little more.  You can get through this.

The knocking continued.  "Coming," Adolin said, unable to keep his unsteadiness from his voice.  

Kaladin pushed his way in, Syl at his shoulder.  He wore civilian's garb, plain and unassuming, which only made his hardened bearing and physique stand out more.  Kaladin was like a constant, and unmovable anchor in the chaos of a high storm.    

They stood in silence, for a moment, taking each other in.  Adolin flashed a hesitant smile.  You know this is going to be hard for him too.  You can't let your dark moments undo his progress.  

"Maya... I wasn't quite sure what she wanted, but she seemed to want us to come here... um..." Syl appeared uncharacteristically bashful, and Adolin got the impression she'd be blushing if she wasn't monochromatic.  "And we're here now... so... bye!  I'll let you two talk"

As Syl departed, Kaladin cocked his head to the side.  "I... I heard.  I'm sorry Adolin."

"I'll... I'll be all right Bridgeboy.  Really.  I just need some time.  No need to fret."

Kaladin nodded, solemn.  "Right."  He closed the door behind him, and slid down to the floor.  Patting the ground beside him, he motioned for Adolin to sit down.  "No reason for you to take your time alone though right?"

"I..."

"If you need to be alone that's fine, just tell me.  It's not a big deal.  But for now I'll just sit here okay?  Until you tell me otherwise."  

Storms, when had Kaladin of all people become emotionally intelligent?   Adolin hesitated, then loosened his jacket and sunk down to the ground beside Kaladin.  As he leaned back, his arm brushed up against Kaladin's.  He felt he could almost absorb some strength from the man's frame, like a Radiant consuming Stormlight.  

He was in mourning - he should be taking time alone to work through his emotions.  To pay respects to... to her...  But of course, alone was the last thing Adolin wanted to be.  

Adolin grimaced as he caught sight of himself in the mirror again.  Granted, he was at a terrible angle, but he hadn't done nearly as good a job of clearing the redness from his eyes as he thought he had.  "Storms, I look awful.  What a mess."  

Kaladin grunted, making his disagreement immediately evident in a way only he could.  "As an expert in the subject,  I can confirm looking awful isn't half has bad as it's made out to be, not that you would know."

"Come now, you know you're a catch.  You have that whole aloof, stoic, hero thing going for you."

  "You're the expert."  Kaladin's eyes darted up and down Adolin's figure with a surgeon's precision.  "Here, let's get you changed into something more comfortable.  You need to be able to breath easy, and that ridiculous outfit isn't helping you at the moment.  I'll get you some water."  Kaladin stood slowly, and helped Adolin up.  "Don't worry about how it looks, just throw on whatever will make you feel the best.

Adolin extracted his hand from Kaladin's grip, and moved over to his armoire behind the dressing screen and started shifting out of his formal attire.  Normally, Adolin was able to quickly choose an outfit by instinct, but this time he found himself hesitating.  Eventually, he settled on a pair of comfortable training trousers, meant to facilitate movement, and one of the men's shirts that Veil used to wear.  The garment, tailored to Shallan's proportions, wouldn't quite close properly, so Adolin just pulled it around himself, smelling the shirt, and imagining his wife was wrapping her arms around him again.  

He let out a sob as he sank to the ground.  Kaladin was there in an instant, placing a hand against Adolin's chest, then his neck, and leaning in to support him as they sat down.  After the sobs died down a bit, Kaladin held up a glass of water, forcing Adolin to drink.  Adolin drank, and breathed in the smell of Kaladin.  He smelt... clean, but practical?  Like freshly laundered kitchen linens.  Slowly, the sobs subsided as Adolin took comfort in the strong frame of his friend.  

"I'm sorry," he whispered.  "I shouldn't put this on you.  How are you doing, Kaladin?  Storms, she was your friend too, I..."

"Sush, stop doing that."

"Doing what?"

"Trying to 'help' me to avoid thinking about how you are doing.  You can't be a light to everyone if your own sphere is going dim, Adolin.  It's okay to lean on me.  My father always said, in an emergency a surgeon has to look after himself first - its only after your own person is secure that you can ensure you are capable of competently helping others.  We'll have plenty of time to talk about me later.  For now, what do you need Adolin?"

I need you.  The thought, unbidden, seemed to escape from a locked chest in Adolin's mind.  Stop it, you are just scared of being alone.  Yes, he found Kaladin's presence comforting, and he certainly needed support in the moment.  That was all he was responding too, nothing more.  What kind of man would be thinking of someone else, like that, so soon after losing the person he was supposed to turn to?  He wanted to tell himself it was just a thing of a moment, a figment of his loneliness and need for comfort.  

You know that's not true.  This isn't new, and you know it.  Listen to who you are ignoring, even when its yourself.

"It's okay, just breathe.  Drink some water and breathe okay.  We don't have to talk."  Kaladin's hand traced along Adolin's spine, brushing each vertebrae.  Adolin focused on the rhythm of Kaladin's touch, and on his breathing.  Up and down, in and out.  He felt himself slipping into the trance-like state of mind Zahel had taught him to utilize when preparing for combat.  Slowly he began to feel the emotions start to subside.  They didn't leave, but the wave passed.  He entered a calm in the storm.

"You're one hell of a surgeon, Bridgeboy."

Kaladin's hand stopped.  "I do what I can," he said carefully, "But Adolin, you're the one who heals people.  I'm just returning a favor, long overdue."

Adolin smiled, feeling a moment of genuine warmth in his chest.  "Thank-you."

[darkfairy-tales]

Insanity - Chapter 2

Description: She was an angel who came across the devil himself and her existence drove him insane.

Pairing: Sangyeon x Reader

Genre: Mafia au

Warning: Mentions of blood. Swearing.

"Finally!" You cheered as your shift ended. "Minsu I am going! I have some studies to do when I get home." You called. "Okay. Stay safe. Bye bye. See you tomorrow. Don't study too much. It's summer break. You are supposed to relax and enjoy." Minsu says laughing. "Yeah? I have like what 5-6 assignments to complete." You grumbled. "Anyway I will go now. Bye." You said as you waved at Minsu who waved back at you. You got out of the cafe and walked towards your house. 'I wonder if he is okay.' you thought when you come across the alley once again reminding you of Sangyeon. 'Ahh! Why am I even thinking about him?' You thought to yourself as you shook your head. As you reached your house you saw the door already open. Had you left the door open earlier? Or..... was someone in there? Your eyes widened at the thought. You carefully walked inside your house peeking inside. You went to the living room first and saw someone sitting there. "Who are you?" You squeaked out. The man turned around and your breath hitched. Recognizing him. "What the hell Sangyeon?" You almost screamed. "Well hello there Y/N. You have a nice and cozy house. I quite like it." He says as he makes himself comfortable as if he is the one who owns the house.

"How the hell did you even find out where I lived?" You asked as you walked towards him and sitting on the opposite side, facing him. "I have my ways~ After all I have yet to thank you and your phone. I came to give it back." He says waving your phone which was on his hand. Not knowing what to say you just nodded. He hands you your phone with a smirk. "Cute selfies by the way." He says making you blush. Your cheeks tainted red. "Why did you go through my phone!" You almost whined as you narrowed your eyes at him. He laughs. "What can I say? I couldn't help it." He says as he leans back relaxing himself. "Aren't you leaving?" You asked. "Why babygirl? So eager to chase me away?" He asked with a raised eyebrow. "No! I mean... no.. that's not what I mean." You said, your face burning more in embrassment. "You are so cute. But yes I will be going." He says standing up. You also stand up ready to send him off. "Ah I almost forgot I wanted to ask you for a favor." He says. His words making you freeze. "H-Huh? what favor?" You asked. "Don't look so scared. I am not going to ask you to kill someone." He says laughing. "I wanted to ask you to come with me. There is a huge party. I want you to go there with me." He added. You almost wanted to ask him if he was crazy. You didn't know him for fuck's sake. "But I don't-" You tried to say but was cut off. "It wasn't a question honey. 7pm. Tomorrow. Be ready." He says winking as he walks out leaving your mouth gaping.

"AHH THIS IS DRIVING ME CRAZY!" You screamed after he was out. Your neighbours were probably thinking you had gone mad by now. You went to close your door and went to your room. You opened your phone and called Minsu. "Hello Y/N! Is everything okay? Are you okay?" She asks. "Yes yes don't worry I am fine. But I really really need to talk to you about something." You said. "Okay. I am closing up the cafe early! I am coming to your house." Minsu said. You hummed. "Okay then see you later. Gotta go!" Minsu said. "Okay bye. Be careful on your way here." You said and both of you ended the call. You shook you head and headed to the bathroom as yoi freshened up. You changed your clothes into a comfortable one and left your phone charging and went to the study table as you started working on one of the essay.

[Time Skip]

When Minsu came it was at around 6:30 pm. "Y/N!" She literally screamed out as she ran up to your room. "Oh my god Minsu calm down. My neighbours will make a noise complain against me if you are so loud." You said laughing as Minsu pouted. "I am not that loud." she argued making you laugh more. "So what did you wanted to talk about?" She asked. Both of you sat on the bed. "So what would you say if I said I met a guy who had a gunshot wound?" You asked her. She looks at your frowning. "Well... I hope you ran." She said trailing off. "Don't tell me you help the said person." She asked widening her eyes. You sighed nodding. "I did. I couldn't just leave him to die." You said looking down on your lap. "OH my fucking GOD Y/N. Do you ever listen to news and all? There are gangs Y/N! GANGS! What if that man was a bad one. Not all gangs are good like in fanfics?" Minsu said freaking out. "But he didn't do anything. I mean yeah he only took my phone. But that's that. But he gave me back my phone." You said pouting feeling like a child who got reprimanded. "He came here?" Minsu asked confused but also curious. "Yes and that is what I wanted to tell you about." You said sighing.

"He asked me for a favor. He asked me to go on some party with him. And I couldn't even say no. And he keeps calling me 'honey' or 'babygirl'. Ugh he is frustrating." You groaned smacking your face, then wincing. "Oooh~ So a man who might be a gangster seems to be in love with you." Minsu said in a teasing tone making you glare at her. "No. I am sure he is planning to kill me." You grumbled. "Listen here you little shit. If he wanted to harm you he would have done that already. I think he is attracted to you for all I know. I mean he is literally asking you to be his partner in a party!! Like are you dumb!" Minsu squeals. "You read too much fanfics Minsu! This is real life." You huffed. "Fanfics or not Gansters love once. And my dear Y/N one seems to like you. You should make the most out of it." She said in a sassy tone. "You really should be telling me to stay away from him. Not telling me to stick with him and fall in love." You said narrowing your eyes at her. "Aish you dob't understand. Just trust me okay! I think he is a decent gangster if he is one." Minsu argued pouting. "Okay fine. But for God's sake! I don't even know what to wear. Just then a call came to you phone. You looked at the screen and realized it was saved as "Sangyeon". 'of course he went through my phone and saved his number.' you internally grumbled. You picked up the call. "What is it?" You asked in a cold tone. "Awww why so cold babygirl? Speak to me a little softly will you." He says in a teasing tone making you grumble. "What ever mister! Why did you called anyway?" You asked huffing.

A chuckle escaped his mouth. "Check your closet if you haven't babygirl. I left something for you. A red box. You will like it trust me." He said. Your eyes widened at his words. "You went through my closet?!!!" You asked raising your voice. "Oh don't worry baby I like your little cute panties." He said and you almost wanted to dig a hole in the ground and crawl inside it. "GOOD BYE!" You literally screamed as you ended the call. You could almost see him laugh at your reaction. "So did loverboy called?" Minsu asked with her brows raised, a teasing smile present. "Don't even ask. HE SAW MY PANTIES!" You whisper yelled making me choking sound. Minsu burst out laughing. "Oh my god this is peak comedy." She states as she doubled over laughing. "I hate you! Don't laugh at my misery." You whined. You pout as you walked towards your closet opening it. And just like Sangyeon had said there was a red box. "Did he left that for you? My lord the guys seems to be courting you or something." Minsu squeals. You put it down on the bed and lofted off the lid of the box. You froze in awe as you saw the things inside the box. A beautiful dress was placed in it. A beautiful set of necklace and earring. A ring. And was that a tiara. "Y/N WHAT THE FUCK?! WHAT DID YOU DO TO HIM THAT HE GOT SO WIPPED ENOUGH TO SEND YOU THIS!" Minsu squealed excitedly as you tried to tell her to not be too loud.

"He didn't even gave me a choice! I am not even sure what kind of party is this. And just what I am supposed to expect from it. I am so frustrated." You said whimpering. "You will be fine! I am sure your gangster boyfriend will protect you." Minsu says giggling. "He is not my boyfriend. I don't even know if he is actually a gangster or some secret agent." You mumbled. "Don't think too much and get on with this plan okay. You will be safe." Minsu says. In your opinion she sounds too trusting. As if she is related to gangs and knows some are not actually that bad. "Are you dating a gangster or what?" you blurted out not being able to hold back the questions. Minsu flushes. "Aye Younghoon is.. well I am not even gonna try lying anymore. He is actually in a gang." She says. You gasp. "And you hid all this from me? Your best friend. Damn I feel so betrayed." You said dramatically putting your hand over your chest. She smacks your arm. "I didn't wanted to freak you out. And honestly. I know Sangyeon. Well not exactly. Last night Younghoon told me that their leader, Sangyeon, got shot and some mysterious girl helped him. And when you told me about how you saved a guy with a gunshot wound I just connected the dots. I am disappointed in you that you are not careful at all. I am thankful that it was Sangyeon and not someone else." Minsu says. You nods. Of course you yourself knew that you tended to be a bit careless.

"So you know about their gang?" You asked. "Yeah. I haven't met all of them. After all I am not a part of their gang. At least not officially. So far I have met four of them. Haknyeon, Hyunjae, Juyeon and Sangyeon. I met sangyeon only briefly but he seemed like a nice guy." Minsu says. "What will happen if you end up marrying Younghoon?" You asked curious. "Well I will officially become a part of the gang. To be honest I wouldn't mind that." Minsu says shrugging. You gulped. "I am nervous." You admitted. "Don't worry Y/N. As far as I know Sangyeon won't harm you. Or do anything that will make you uncomfortable. He is a respectable man. He has a sister and a nephew too if you ever wondered." Minsu says. "Do you perhaps know what kind of party he is taking me to?" You asked. "I don't know for sure Y/N. He handles a company which is legal. He hides his gang works behind that company. And you are not someone who knows much about gang life and shit. So what I can say is that the party might be something related to his company." Minsu says.

"There will be so many rich people then? God I hate rich people." You groaned which was kinda the truth. Most of the rich people show off a lot and you hated it. "Well you will survive after all you will have Sangyeon with you." Minsu says wriggling her eyebrows making you blush. "Oh shut up." You grumbled holding your face. "Anyway. I will get going now. Good luck with the party tomorrow. You don't need to come to the cafe. Enjoy your cinderella like moments honey." She says in a teasing tone. After seeing her off you went back to your room. Your eyes falling on the red box which had the jewelery and the dress. 'They looks so expensive.' You internally whined. You went to put them back inside the closet and went to the kitchen so that you can make something to eat. After you were done eating you went to continue writing your assignments after all you can't just leave them be. You will worry about Sangyeon and the party later for now you had an assignment to focus on.

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Hi ^^ sorry for taking so long to update this chapter. I really hope you enjoyed this chapter! Thank you for all the support you guys have shown! Love you all ❤

Please don't forget to write and reblog! And stay tuned for the next chapter! I love you all. Buiii 💙

[aquarianlights]

I hope I'm not being rude by asking you this, but wouldn't you feel dysphoric wearing a wedding gown? I know people should be able to wear what they want regardless of their gender, but you can't deny that a wedding dress is as girly as it gets. One of my best friends is ftm trans* and he tells me, he feels very dysphoric wearing any type of "girly" clothes, so I'm very curious what's your perspective on that. Congrats on your engagement darling

OH WOW THIS ONE IS FROM YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARS AGO WHEN I WAS ENGAGED TO MY EX-FIANCE!!! Well, fuck me. How the hell did I miss this? Nonny probs doesn’t even remember sending this and probs doesn’t even remember my blog, but for the sake of answering…I will tell.

I have this weird thing that I really don’t like to talk about called DID (dissociative identity disorder, I think is what it stands for???). Meaning…I have other personalities living inside me. It’s a hard concept to grasp and only those who know me well and talk to me on the daily know my internal family and can tell very easily when someone switches out.

NORMALLY I wouldn’t talk about this because it’s a really embarrassing disorder and I hate when people know that I have it. Only the people I’m closest to know this about me. There’s a whole structure and rules in place to make sure no one on the outside figures it out, no matter who comes out, although…those people that have lived with me or spent a lot of time with me…can instantly see the change. My body language switches, my pupil dilation is different depending on the person, my voice changes, my personality changes…so many things. I say “my” as to not confuse people, but it would moreso be “our”. I just didn’t wanna confuse people. Ugh.

ANYWAYS

The reason I’m telling you this outright is because it answers the question.

When I was in that abusive relationship with my ex-fiance, he basically manipulated me into becoming the perfect woman for him. I went by a female name (Ezri), I wore many, many dresses…lots of high heels…lots of trendy things…and my voice was constantly lilted and high pitched…I even moved very stereotypically girly.

But you have to remember…Ezri is not me. I am…well, to be completely honest, I’m not even Riley. This hasn’t been Riley for a couple weeks. But only my closest circle knows this. I legit couldn’t fool them by pretending to be RiRi. xDD I’m far too different, not to mention…the dead giveaway is when you meet me in person…I’m REALLY FUCKING LOUD…Riley is softspoken. Amongst all the other things that indicate I am not Riley Vincent Roswell, that fact alone will instantly tell you that this is not Riley you’re talking to. LOLOL.

ANYWAYS

Ezri was created specifically because of my ex-fiance. She was catered to his every whim and desire. Other than her mental illnesses ruling over her and ruining a few things…she was molded into the perfect woman for him. The one that my ex-fiance met was Riley. Riley, a male, is the one who fell in love and met him in person. When they met in person, Ezri emerged (along with a little rather promiscuous surprise visit from Zoey). But the point is…Ezri, a cis female, was specifically made for him.

The entire time, Riley was struggling to escape. He felt trapped and dysphoric as all hell. We all pretty much did. But my ex-fiance was abusive in very unique ways…one of which being extreme manipulation. He manipulated me in quite a few ways…but the biggest one was turning me into the person he wanted most…and when Riley got little moments to shine through to tell him that this was not what we all wanted and that this had to stop…my ex basically brushed him off like he was nothing/didn’t exist…despite the fact he KNEW I have DID. That had become apparent when he first met Riley, an asexual boy, and suddenly this body was on top of him, ready and willing to give him a blow job…and that was when he realized it wasn’t Riley he was talking to…it was Zoey. After seeing his reaction to Zoey…something inside of us had a desire to make the perfect person. Out popped Ezri. We STILL don’t really know where Ezri came from, entirely. Normally it takes quite a while for a new personality to develop. I’m talking years, people!! But, nah, fam…Ezzy just popped outta mothafuckin’ nowhere and rolled with it.

But every time my ex introduced Ezri as a girl to his parents, or she heard the words “she/her” referenced to herself, she would get EXTREMELY uncomfortable and it would trigger the everloving fuck outta her. I never use the word “trigger” except in a satirical way, but I’m actually using it in a literal way this time. WOO.

It’s…it’s such a long, long, long story of how our ex brainwashed her completely and suppressed every desire she had to be a male…like the vast majority of us that are present and past.

THAT is why one day…”Ezri” snapped. Although…what we hadn’t figured out at the time was that Riley was back in control and had pushed Ezri under, never to be seen again. The dysphoria was too much. It ate him alive. He snapped like a fucking twig. And, well, you guys should know the rest. :p (Grabbing Echo, running out to the car, getting all our things ripped out of our hands, drove off with ex still holding the car door, drove off with nothing with us, didn’t know where we were going…long fight…lots of crying and screaming…lots of angry text messages…Y’KNOW! THE THING!)

Yehhhh…so tl;dr: Ezri was made solely for ex and really wasn’t ever real. She never existed because she was pushed out too quickly and wasn’t fully developed. She didn’t know what she wanted. But there were hints of dysphoria in her, as well. But she was so caught up in the wedding bullshit that she wanted to try on allllllll the fancy dresses and shit. She had a thing for fashion…and dresses. She just wasn’t developed enough to realize she HAD dysphoria; But, nonetheless, we could all feel it very strongly in her, as well as ourselves.

SO YEH, FAM. Just wanted to clear all of that up. And it was kinda necessary to talk about the bullshit DID that we have. HAH. I really hate talking about it. :/

But UH cat’s outta the bag on me not being Riles. Lololol. Wonder who will figure it out first. ;D