#and i've gotten sick more than 6 times over the last few months

[according2thelore]

Need me some more of your LS!Sam jealousy if you have any ideas. But also just overall want more of your specific brand of hurt/comfort. It always hits just right, which is to say it stabs me in the heart every single time. Bless us with your ideas please😩

(Or smut of course we'd never say no to smut👀)

i'm back baby!!! i never forgot about this one bestie don't you WORRY--and i've come to deliver 😌 (2.7k words...this is just a ficlet good lord)

sammy looks down at his phone for the seventh time. his screensaver--dean asleep on his chair in the TV room with a blanket pulled up to his chin and hand in a bowl of popcorn--glows up at him. no new notifications.

sammy shifts in his chair. he looks around the empty library. he checks his phone. no new notifications. he swipes up and types in his code 3-3-2-6 (and he'll never fucking tell dean what it stands for, ever, good lord, he'll take it to his grave), but his last message still sits in an unread blue

Sam: Hey, I've got to stop by the store later to get some stuff for dinner. Come with?

Dean: Sorry man. Busy. Text later. 20 min?

20 minutes later, Sam: Hey, I'm ready.

and nothing. not a peep. it's been over an hour since dean said he'd be ready in twenty, and dean hasn't even poked his head in.

the act of sammy asking was performance. he and dean have been going to the store together every friday since they damn moved into the bunker. they only miss a day when they're pissed at each other, and sammy starts to worry. is dean mad at him?

things have definitely been a little...tense...since the younger version of themselves showed up. conversations have to be stilted, and they have to talk around things more than they can actually talk about them.

they've had to get more careful about sharing a bed. they haven't had sex in a week, and the only time they got to actually share a bed was after younger sam had gotten a sprained wrist on a hunt and younger dean had been practically sleeping on top of him a few months ago.

sammy knows that his younger self has been having a rough go of it. especially after he found the voicemail last week, he's completely shut sammy out, like he can avoid the future by ignoring it. and sammy represents all the messy, ugly parts that sam dreads.

sam also knows that his younger self has been clinging to dean--both deans, really--like a child clings to their mother. sammy thinks that a reminder of how close they can come to losing dean in a near-permanent way has shaken him.

this version of sam has never had to stare down the barrel of the gun of dean's death. sammy almost pities him, if he didn't also harbor his own resentments.

it's not surprising--therefore--to find sam with older dean. it is surprising, however, to find them in the room their younger selves' share. sam doesn't know where younger dean has gone, but sam is almost glad he found them first.

because if his younger self had stumbled across it, it would've ended badly.

sammy freezes in the doorway, horror-stricken. there's no other word for the dread that sinks into his bones, the i knew it, i knew it.

they're sitting on one of the beds, sam tilted forward into dean's space. but--and sam inhales are staggered as realization hits--dean's hand on the back of sam's head directs him to a shoulder.

sam's younger self mutters something that sammy can't hear. it's quiet, agonized, and dean claps him on the back of the neck a few times, gentle.

dean hasn't noticed sammy in the doorway yet, all of his attention at the boy almost melted into his arms, even though they're positioned too awkwardly for a full embrace.

"i know, sammy." dean murmurs, his neck pat on sam's head almost a caress. his brow is pulled together, and he looks uncomfortable. "c'mon, cut it out with all that."

sam's going to be sick. he's never seen such naked affection or care on dean's face before. not directed at anyone else. the glimpses he's gotten directed at himself have been snapshots of fear, moments in which he lets the mask slip. he's gotten anger, and fear, and worry, but not this.

dean, in this moment, thinks he is unobserved. and it's love. naked, on his face.

sam's chest is tight. he feels like something has reached inside of him and squeezes his stomach in its fist. he knows what that feels like. he's going to be sick, he's going to scream, he's going to kill someone.

jealousy, hard and ugly and roaring, claws at the inside of sam's ribs.

he has never been on the outside of a look like this. not from dean, and not to someone else.

that's mine. he's giving away what's mine.

"i don't want to hurt him. please tell me i don't hurt you." young sam begs, and sam watches as his fist curls into a ball on his lap. it's quiet, harsh, like sam is hissing it between clenched teeth.

dean adjusts them both, but sam sees it for what it is--dean's head tilts to the side, a fleeting nose nuzzled in sam's hair.

sam feels it like he feels the barrel of a gun in his mouth. 'burning' is too kind of a word for what he does. his body feels like a wick, his only job to be destroyed.

"you know we can't talk about it." dean says, softly.

"fuck." sam tilts his head so the thin skin of his forehead scrapes against dean's stubble. "i don't even know why i'm telling you this. i'd never say this out loud."

sam sounds miserable, trapped. it doesn't make older sam feel better. it makes him angry.

what does sam have to be miserable for? he hasn't lived through any of it yet. he hasn't been forced to live through it.

he hasn't earned the look on dean's face. he hasn't spent two decades trying to earn it.

he doesn't know anything about loving dean.

"shh. look at me." dean murmurs, and he pushes sam away by the shoulders. sam stubbornly keeps his eyes on dean's shirt, and dean taps him on the shoulder. "c'mon baby boy. look at me."

baby boy. baby boy. c'mon baby boy.

sam--because of course he fucking would, any version of sam is bred to respond to that, is created to--looks up. he meets dean's eyes.

that's sammy's. 'baby boy' is sammy's.

hearing it come from dean's mouth, seeing it land on foreign ears. ears covered by scruff that find truth in other things, still.

dean smiles--indulgently, proud, with a twist of sarcasm that makes it so dean that sammy has to catch himself against the doorjamb--at younger sam.

"good. there he is. it's because it's me. and it's because you're you. i always look out for you, don't i?" he nudges sam's chin up with a scarred knuckle, and drops his hand against sam's shoulder, a stiff clap. "you're mine, and i look out for what's mine, isn't that right?"

"dean--" "dean--" sam, in concert.

younger sam, in front of dean, awed. older sam, in the doorway, grief-stricken. angry.

how the fuck could dean sling that around like it's nothing? how the fuck could he say that, take ownership of something--someone--other than sam?

even if it's a younger version of him, dean has sworn his fealty, proclaimed his complete devotion to a facsimile of sam--an improved version of him. the version of him that he wanted first, that has all the fire and none of the nightmares.

i'm me. and you're you. i always look out for you don't i? i look out for what's mine.

words that sam has fallen asleep to, words that--at some points in his life--were the only things keeping him sane.

sam feels--absurdly--like he just heard dean say their wedding vows to someone else, like a jilted bride watching someone else on the altar. later, he'll unpack that, but now it's--

"sammy." dean's eyes on him, finally. sam slumps in the doorway, so fucking relieved to have broken the intense, devoted spell of the room. younger sam turns to look at him, face frozen in a scowl. intruder, it says. this is mine, it says. sam's about to ask dean to speak with him in the hallway, when dean says, "i'll be with you in a second, okay?"

i'll be with you in a second. dismissed. sam's been dismissed. priority has been established. and it's someone else. sam doesn't move.

he wants to press his fingertips into every inch of dean's skin until they bruise. he wants his name carved in dean's skin. they share so much--the sigils burned into their ribcages, their tattoos, their history--but it's not enough, anymore. he wants to rip into dean's carotid and drink.

mine. mine. mine. his blood sings. dean seems to have forgotten.

"chin up, kid. i'm still here, aren't i? with sammy." dean's chin tips towards sam in the doorway, seemingly knowing sam wouldn't move an inch. he gives younger sam one last pat on the arm, a gentle nod. "always been yours, baby. couldn't hurt me if you tried."

a nail in sam's coffin. yours.

not fucking likely.

~~~

"what the fuck was that?" sam shoves dean, hard, and dean slams back into the closed door.

they're in dean's room--the room that they shared until a few months ago when these parasites swooped in and tried to take what sam had fought for, had earned, fair and square.

he's sunk his claws into dean's being, and he will be damned and fucked if he gives even an inch up. he won't.

"woah, sammy, what--" dean starts with anger, but when sam turns around, dean's entire body shifts. his shoulders slump, and his hands come up, placating. "woah hey hey hey. come on, now. what happened?"

sam dodges dean's hand that reaches for his arm, and dean still follows through with the movement, confused, like he's adrift without the contact.

good, sam thinks viciously.

"he's your 'baby,' now?" sam spits, but dean only blinks. he's not reacting at all with anger, like sam was hoping, and sam has to work to keep his fury, has to throw logs on the fire.

"sam, what are you talking about?" dean asks, and his voice is only raised a little. not enough.

"we said we weren't going to start shit. that we weren't going to take any firsts. did you just decide to change that without telling me?" sam jabs dean in the chest again, once. dean shoves his hand off of him, and good. good good good--sam wants a fight--he wants dean to hurt--

"well, why didn't you tell me you had a suicide plan, huh? when you were twenty three?" dean says, and now his voice is raised. he shoves sam back, and sam takes the step back.

"it wasn't like that." sam rolls his eyes. and it wasn't. and damn that little fucker for trying to tell dean anything.

dean shoves him again, but sam doesn't move this time, and dean gets in his face.

"that's what he told me. that you'd been thinking about ways to kill yourself if you turned darkside." dean's close, so close that sam can see the colour changes in his eyes, and he shoulders past dean, just to get some fucking air.

incredulity and hurt and anger broil over in sam.

"so you're going to take his word for things now? over me?" his voice cracks. there it is. weak spot targeted.

dean deflates like a balloon. sam's still puffing, still heaving for breath, but it feels pathetic now, not righteous. he looks away from dean's sharp gaze.

"sam." dean says. even. "sammy."

sam won't look at him. dean stomps forward, and before sam can protest, dean is pulling him down into a vicious kiss. it feels like a punch, all teeth and punishment and tongue. sam takes to it like a starving man, matching dean blow for blow and trying to press himself into dean's body, tongue first.

dean has to put a hand on sam's neck to push him away.

"i don't--" sam pants, chest heaving.

"you're mine." dean snaps. and his hand tightens a little at the base of sam's throat. "say it."

sam can't. his throat closes. all that fire, all that fury, for nothing. sam's throat burns. he swallows.

why would he say it, if it's not true? if dean can say those things to someone else, what was the true veracity of them to begin with?

dean's hand drops from sam's throat, and sam feels actual tears building now.

a hand on his chin, and unlike the one younger sam got, this one sticks.

"you and me." dean says, firm, eyes on sam's. sam looks down into the face of the man he loves, the man that raised him, the man that is him, almost, and quails. he hopes. "yours." dean says, hard, and it doesn't sound like deference, or submission. it's an assertion. i am yours.

sam's insides quaver. he's still so angry. his hands shake. he doesn't touch dean back, and dean winds his hand into sam's collar like he's going to wind up for a punch.

but sam knows him. it's to keep him close.

sam doesn't know what for. even if dean has shiny new toys, sam has no where else to go. it would take dean's younger self all but a week to get sick of him. to get confused and tired of the things sam can't do.

"don't make it sound like i don't need you to breathe, sammy." dean says, and something slips into his voice. a tone that sits wrong. desperation. "it's not the same with him. you know it isn't."

dean's eyes are wide, like he's realizing the depth here. he stepped out onto a pool float and realized he's over a trench, thousands of feet of water and hurt and disappointment and anger.

"i hate that he's me." sam says, but he doesn't mean to. "that he has things and can give you things that i will never get back--"

dean shakes him, hard, like a dog with something in its mouth. it knocks something loose in sam, the part of him that wants to fight, the part of him that's gotten buried under years and years and years of torture, the immediate instinct to submit to make it hurt less.

this is the part of me that he loves, the part of me i don't have anymore.

sam tries to stoke it, to make that rage, that possessiveness, the innate entitlement to dean bloom and blossom. it rises. it rises. it rises.

sam wants it back. he wants dean.

"shut up. shut the hell up." dean says, suddenly goddamn furious at the slight sam has lain against himself. dean shoves him away, chest heaving. then, like a switch has been flipped, he goes still. calm. eyes hard. "get on your knees."

sam has a split second where he questions it, where the animal under his breastbone tries to reconcile submission and possessiveness. dean is mine, it howls. and sam is starting to realize, that dean needs this too.

that the answer, is a simple yes.

sam knows this game. it's not one they play often. one they haven't played in over a year, now. the request is not a command. it's asking: do you forgive me? are we okay? do you trust me? will you give me a chance to prove i mean it?

sam gets on his knees.

dean's exhale is shaky, mouth trembling. he didn't think sam would, did he?

"sammy." dean says, relief. he pads forward, and fits a hand under sam's chin, gentle. soft. sam closes his eyes, leans against dean's thigh. the denim of his jeans is soft against sam's cheek. it smells like dean and detergent and home.

sam just wants to go home.

"he hasn't earned this." sam says. it's as much as question as it is a statement. his younger self isn't dean's in the way that sam is. he hasn't loved him as long, or as hard, or as deeply.

he hasn't forgiven and fought and held grudges and hated. he hasn't felt this deeply, yet.

he doesn't know dean like sam does. sam knows him better than anyone. even if he tried, he couldn't give older dean what sam can. what sam wants to.

when he looks up, though, dean looks...upset. frightened, almost. unhappy.

"never had to earn it, sweetheart." dean swears, and he tilts sam's chin up. dean bends so he can press a kiss to sam's lips. apologetic. it tastes like love, this time. open and naked and vulnerable. dean pulls up on sam's shoulders, urging him to stand up. "come here."

so sam does. and he makes sure dean knows who he belongs to.

~~~

so i took the steering wheel on this one and jerked us off the road, lol. i hope you were wearing your seatbelt, @animangalover15 <3

this got a little bit more dom/subby than i usually write, but i took at look at my last NSFT ES/LS ficlet and LS!Dean do be domming a little...as a treat...

anyways, i hope you liked!!!! i hope it makes up for the embarrassing time it took me to respond. just know i've been plotting and planning behind the scenes!

mwah mwah!

-lizzy

AN: we've gained quite a few followers, so hello new followers! the ES/LS verse is a little thing i've written on here. it's a time travel AU of sorts where the ES!SeasonBoys (early season) get transported to the LS!BunkerEraBoys (late season). the tag is below if you're interested in seeing more :)

[fairytales-and-folklore]

20 Questions for Fic Writers

Thank you for the tag @marimbles! ♥️ No pressure tags: @litfeathers @lollytea @ashanimus @greyhavenisback @princecharmingwinks @tails89 @nutellarghh @ash-mcj @childlikegoblinqueen @daydreams-and-honeybees @avatarmerida @asarcasticwitch @sailahina @secretly-of-course @sapphic--kiwi @haystarlight @zyrafowe-sny @peachytea04 @slightecho

1. How many works do you have on AO3? just hit 100 last month!

2. What's your total AO3 word count? 479,814

3. What fandoms do you write for? I've dabbled in quite a few over the years, but the ones I've written the most fics for are doctor who (eleven/amy) teen wolf (sterek) and the owl house (huntlow)

4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos? Error 404: Brain Cell Not Found (teen wolf | sterek) You Always Want What You're Running From (sleepy hollow | ichabbie) What To Do When Your Emotionally Constipated Werewolf Boyfriend Gets Cursed By A Witch: A Guide (teen wolf | sterek) Gold Rush (the owl house | huntlow) Lovesick (the owl house | huntlow) 5. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not? I do! Every kind comment means so much to me, so I always take the time to respond to all of them (though I'm not always great at getting to them on time.)

6. What's the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

Hmm probably The Courtesan and the Writer (doctor who | eleven/amy) I used to dabble in angst a bit more when I first started writing fic, but these days all my fics are pretty much guaranteed to have a happy ending, because real life is hard enough lol

7. What's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

Pretty much all my fics have happy endings, but one of the happiest I wrote would probably be my huntlow college AU Until You Meet Someone Who Makes The Fall Feel Like Flying

8. Do you get hate on fics?

I wouldn't call it outright hate, but I have gotten a handful of rude comments over the years (complaining that I don't post often enough, telling me my headcanons are wrong, telling me how they think my story should have ended — one time someone yelled at me in all caps because I said that a character chilled red wine lol that one was wild)

9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

I do! Smut is fun. Mine is typically more focused on the emotional aspect than the physical, is usually the result of a long tension-fueled slow burn buildup, and is usually tooth-rottingly fluffy, soft, and sweet.

10. Do you write crossovers? What's the craziest one you've written?

I have! Back in the days where superwholock plagued tumblr, I wrote one of the silliest cross-overs imaginable, combining doctor who, torchwood, bbc sherlock, supernatural, the avengers, and sleepy hollow: Lords, Gods, and Madmen

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

Yup 🙃

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

Yes!

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

I have! But most of them never saw the light of day 😂 one that did is called An Eggcellent Morning For Cooking Lessons co-written with @ash-mcj @tails89 and @nutellarghh

14. What's your all-time favourite ship?

I think my top three ships are reflected in who I've written the most fic for: huntlow, sterek, and the eleventh doctor/amy pond

15. What's a WIP you want to finish, but doubt you ever will?

Luckily, everything that's posted to AO3 is finished, but at this point I'm thinking I'll probably never get around to writing the little nightmares, reylo, and captain swan WIPs I've had sitting in my drafts since 2019

16. What are your writing strengths?

I've been told I capture the characters really well, which means a lot to me. I've also been told that my writing is cozy and comforting and fills people with warm fuzzy feelings, which is always nice to hear 🥰

17. What are your writing weaknesses? I will sit there and agonize over the same paragraph trying to make it sound perfect instead of just letting the writing flow, so sometimes a fic will be in the works for a very long time until it's finally ready to be posted (by which time I'm probably sick of it and never want to look at it again 😂)

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language for a fic?

I've dabbled in this a little bit, but it's usually been plot-relevant, like a character learning to speak the language (i.e. when Hunter tried to learn Spanish in Being Human.) When I do write in another language, I always do my best to research and try to get the translations as accurate as possible, and I always include the English translation either in the fic itself or as an author's note so readers don't have to break away from my fic to google anything. (And also so that they know what my intention was, on the off-chance I translated something wrong and accidentally wrote something offensive.) 19. First fandom you wrote for?

Does anyone remember that vampire show that came out back in like 2009? Moonlight? Yeah, that one lol

20. Favourite fic you've ever written? God, that's like asking me to pick my favorite child. Okay fine, it's Until You Meet Someone Who Makes The Fall Feel Like Flying

[steamishot]

overwhelm

it took me like 2-3 days to recover from all the traveling/red eye flight and another few days to adjust back to NYC.

work has been really busy - i haven't had the chance to sneak out this week like i normally do! wednesday, i had my first performance evaluation with my director. prior years were with my manager. it was the first 1:1 meeting we had since he offered me the new role. my director is really chill (chill to the point where he's not always on top of his duties, lol, similar to me) and only said good things about me. he left great ratings/comments on my evaluation and talked about increasing my salary and delegating new responsibilities to me. from experience, i think what he is saying will be true, but it will likely take a long time to execute, lol. i've informed him of my move back and will hash out the going into office details later.

they finally hired a new girl for my old position after more than half a year. it's going to take her weeks to get access and complete training for the systems we use - so far, i'm still doing everything and during busy season as well.

yesterday, i finally had a much needed crying session. i felt so overwhelmed with everything: the job search, job obtainment, contract reviews, decision making, car purchase, socializing with everyone, work, traveling and emotionally/mentally taking in all the upcoming changes and logistics: cross country move, how do we get all our shit from NYC to LA, 1 car vs 2, new work for matt, return to office for me, relationship progression, new apartment search, saying bye to my NYC friends, adulting, etc.

i felt depressed and upset after arriving back in NYC. matt had gotten sick (thanks to my niece) and he immediately went to work night shifts. on top of that, he informed me that his next on week will be working 10 days straight, and that he'll have to work night shifts on the july 4th week. until today, we have not processed this whole move together! his schedule is really driving me nuts. i feel incomplete and alone navigating this whole thing on my own currently, waiting for him to mentally catch up.

it also was depressing that i went from having family everywhere/ a full house (extra special time because my TX cousins are still visting at my parents house) and fun social events almost daily to being by myself again. i had a lot of FOMO seeing my family continually gathering up. also, my mom is my main support system and i call her whenever i'm alone, especially on night shifts, but she's pretty unavailable this week due to hosting.

there was an awkward friend event planning this week. L is leaving NYC end of this month. S, who isn't that close to L but knows her updates through me, suggested that we have a farewell thing. L reached out to both me and S separately to plan a lunch. instead of leaving it at that, S decided to revitalize an old group chat between her, L, me and A asking to hangout. the last message in the group was a happy new year from 2023. L told her she wasn't planning on inviting A and didn't respond in the chat. i also wasn't keen on meeting up with A, since she's now demoted to acquaintance/stranger status lol. L, S and i basically haven't kept in touch with A. however, after over a month, L decided to respond in the group chat asking to meet for lunch on 6/8 and both S & A were up for it.

i was feeling dead/emotional from all the recent events and did not want to meet up with A who tends to be inquisitive and a tad judgmental. i dreaded the idea of feigning interest and catching her up with the last 1.5 years that we didn't talk (also knowing i am moving away, i didn't see a point in rekindling a friendship). so, i ended up backing out. since i wasn't going, S didn't feel like going either because then it felt like "3 acquaintances who don't really know each other meeting up". long story short, the plans fell through lol. for now it does feel a bit ingenuine with A, but since plans were already ignited, we're going through with a comedy show in a couple of weeks.

health: i have not had any blood in my stool since 5/7, thank goodness! however, due to my restrictions in diet and traveling/eating mostly home-cooked foods/stress, i have lost weight. i was almost 120lb before going to LA. i reached a low of 113 and i'm currently trying to get back up. that means i need to be more active and less restrictive of my diet. my brother also got a colonoscopy that was clear, so that is a relief.

ceramics: after missing two sessions, i attended ceramics class today and spent most of the time trimming. my one bowl is turning out kinda nice, lol! the teacher is pretty hands-off, due to the larger class size and varying skill levels. everyone is working on different things. i felt less depressed after attending class. it reminded me of the purpose/fulfillment i have here, along with yoga classes. it just takes time to adjust as my lifestyles seem completely different.

[semicharmedliving]

Adenocarcinoma

Not the word you want to hear at the doctor. Cancer. The doctors spent all week basically reassuring me that it wasn't cancer--this is normal presentation of a bad Crohn's flare. Instead I spent the time crying over the section of my bowel that needs to be redirected. My biggest fear finally come to life, and at 31. Much earlier than I was thinking. Then, Friday morning, the doctor's voice, and it's changed.

He had been so sure before. But he seemed very sure of my new prognosis. Chemo and radiation to shrink the tumor, possible operation. 6 to 9 months, no more cancer. Maybe no more bowel, but definitely no more cancer. This was two days ago; I've since gotten another CT scan and an MRI, which I've gotten very little information on. Weekends at hospitals are basically useless if you're looking for answers/treatment. Thankfully the past two days have been full of visitors to keep my mind occupied. Tomorrow's gonna be the difficult one. It's just dad and me, and the doctor teams are coming. Surgery, oncology, gastroenterology. God knows who else. Having to navigate with a skeptic in the room--I already need Ativan. Maybe a 2x4 to the dome.

The assuredness I've exhibited the past few days is wearing off. I've received such an outpouring of love from friends and family--my windowsill is covered in gifts and snacks and flowers. It's a tad overwhelming. The whole thing is. Being the one with the big scary sickness, assuring people that it'll be okay. I'm gonna kick its ass. Having people give you money and discuss fundraisers. Strange, strange, strange. But there was motion and conversation and it was easier to be distracted. Now I'm alone in a hospital room with my thoughts. Well, not fully alone. I do have entertainment (currently streaming You're the Worst on the borrowed tablet, while I type on the borrowed laptop), and there's the bedtime Ativan beginning to swim in my brain. So thankfully the spiral can be held off for now.

What if, though? What if the MRI is worse? What if the tumor doesn't shrink? What if what if what if.

I've spent the last 8 months basically wishing I would die. I had no idea my body was listening to me. Now I have to save it. I don't have a choice. Part of me is optimistic; maybe this is exactly what I needed to change my life, my perspective. But part of me is the normal, pessimistic me; this is yet another shitty (pun intended) hurdle I have to deal with in this miserable life.

I wanted to start a blog while I was feeling positive (currently I am neither positive nor negative, just floating); documenting this seems important to me. I do want to stick with it, I do. I had planned on just a new blog, but stumbled upon this one that I started well over 5 years ago, and for some reason it felt right to continue it. Ominous? Possibly. But here we are. I really do hope I maintain the willlpower.

February 18, 2024

[transitional-diaries]

My First Year on Testosterone

I've been on Testosterone for a year, and I want to try to do a write up of all my experiences with it so far.

These are just things I've noticed so far - there's probably a lot of smaller changes I haven't noticed yet.

Month 0-6 First off, I was on half a sachet of Androgel (25mg) for the first six months, as I'm nonbinary and anxious and wanted to go into the process slowly. The first six months nothing big really happened, and I've also heard people say gel works slower than injections do.

My acne on my face got a bit worse, but I've always had terrible hormonal acne, so this was both expected and not that big of a change

My skin and hair got very oily, but it wasn't consistently oily all the time - just like once every one or two weeks for a few days I'd notice my skin being more oily than normal.

The first two months my PMDD got easier to manage, but then it went back to being as bad as it had been before.

I started masturbating usually twice a day instead of once a day, but I'm not sure if that was because of horniness or just because masturbating helps my anxiety and falling asleep.

My upper-lip hair started growing in faster and thicker, though not any longer. I always had upper-lip hair though so it didn't feel like a huge change.

Month 6-9 6 months in I moved to taking a full sachet of Androgel (50mg) every day for 3 months. When I did this I planned from the get-go to go onto injections, as the injections are waaay cheaper than the Androgel (like, a quarter of the price), but stayed on gel for a bit longer because I was going on holiday and didn't want to have to worry about injections while away.

This was when I noticed my first long chest hair and little chin hairs

My voice started changing around this point

Month 9-12 For the last 3 months I've been on injections (0.25ml). I prepare the syringe but get my dad to give me the actual shot because I haven't been able to get myself to do it yet.

Voice has been steadily getting deeper, though it still breaks pretty frequently (and I haven't gotten fully used to talking at a lower register all the time)

I've gotten a lot more chest hairs as well as more hair in various other places on my body too, though nothing as obvious as the chest hairs.

The acne around my jaw has gotten worse, and I've noticed some acne on my shoulders, though not a lot. The skin on my shoulders feel like a different texture than previously (more rough and dry)

My period for the first two months on injections were ROUGH - they were both late and I got worse PMDD and headaches before they started, but the most recent period started a week early with no signs of it coming other than a headache the day before.

MUCH hornier. All the stuff I write lately is so fucking horny.

Noticed I had some bottom growth - my clit is bigger than it was before I started on T, though I had to double check some photos to see because it's not a huge difference.

I've also been slightly more anxious this month, and have gotten more throat-related colds over the last 6 months than I used to (like, I've gotten sick with very similar symptoms 4 times since September) but I don't think that's related to T?

[bitchesgetriches]

Hi Piggy and Kitty!

I hope I'm not bothering you by asking this, but I have a conundrum. I've read all your blog posts about asking for a raise.

I've only been at my job 6 months. Since I was hired, I've gotten more responsibility (outside of what was originally in my job description. I went from Admin assistant and medical outreach coordinator to now that and HR interview outreach and scheduling coordinator and a couple other things).

I've seen a few jobs pop up in my emails offering $3.75 or more per hour than what I'm currently making (which is a 20% increase). Where I live, gas is still basically $4/gallon, I commute almost 300 miles weekly, and the cost of food is astronomical (my husband and I spent over $700 last month, and neither of us really eat anymore lol, thanks medication! I watched a pack of chicken go from $13 to $22. And that's when it's "on sale")

I read somewhere that the average American will need $5,200 more dollars this year to live the exact same life as in 2021. I'm not sure what the "average American" is, but it probably isn't me. Combined, we make less than $60k/year. We never go on vacations or do "average American" things like have a car payment or kids

I'm not sure what to do. I really like my job and everyone I work with, but the raise and shorter commute would really help us save for the down payment on the house we are trying to buy (I'm watching our investments bottom out as we speak. It's stressful.) We are basically a single income family (my husband is on SSDI so his monthly income is fixed, so I'm basically the breadwinner), and we (he really) has a lot of debt to clear.

Would jumping ship after 6 months look bad? Or should I try to ask for a raise first? I don't know if they'd even come close to matching what other jobs are offering for my skill set (20% is a lot when we are having ridiculous staff turnover). And I know not asking is basically leaving money on the table, but is asking after 6 months too demanding? Should I even mention that I notice other jobs are offering $21/hr and up for my skill set? I can't work remote even one day a week (I mean, I can, but they wouldn't approve that. It's more for when I'm home sick but don't want to use sick time) or I'd ask for that to ease some of my gas expenses, but travel is basically a job requirement.

When I was hired, my job was committed to providing a "living wage", which in NY, is considered $18.75/hr for a single person (which is what I make). It sounds like a lot, but it evaporates quickly, even though we are nice enough to live with a family member who doesn't charge us much rent. It's by no means a "living wage" and I don't know where NY came up with that number, but that ain't it.

I just don't know what to do. I've watched my gas and grocery budget triple but am still making the same amount of money. I even cashed out my retirement early to help pay down some of our debt.

I really, really don't want to jump ship because I really do like it here and I'm always told that I'm really doing a fantastic job and am so helpful, but if praise could pay my home heating bill I'd be set for years.

Do you have any advice? I'm really waffling over what I should do here. There's a job offering $29.77/hr for basically what I do now that I'm definitely throwing a resume at (I'm like...juuuuuust enough qualified, but that would be like, the job of a lifetime), but in the meantime (or in case I don't get it) should I be asking for a raise? Or should I be looking elsewhere? How much is even an acceptable amount of raise to ask for in these, and I hate this phrase, "unprecedented time"? Do you think employers are trying to do anything possible to retain staff, or do you think they think they can just hire someone else for less?

I love this job, and I don't know what to do.

Sorry, this is just long winded as heck.

Whew, dear heart, you are Going Through It.

6 months is an a-okay time to ask about a raise. Full stop. Even without the increased responsibilities you mentioned. That said, I also wouldn't worry too much about moving on after 6 months (we are huge proponents of job hopping to leverage raises and promotions!).

If a 20% pay increase and the option to work from home sometimes would make you want to stay at your current job, bring them that info. Especially if you've got applications out or offers in. But if that same pay hike with a shorter commute sounds like a better deal to you, go for it!

How to Make Any Financial Decision, No Matter How Tough, with Maximum Swag

Job Hopping vs. Career Loyalty by the Numbers

The Fascinating Results of Our Job Hopping vs. Career Loyalty Poll

Aaaand for anyone in a similar situation who hasn't read the raise articles yet:

Salary Range: Are You Asking for Enough?

A Millennial’s Guide to Growing Your Salary

The First Time I Asked for a Raise

You Need to Ask for a Fucking Raise

[seminalstudy]

Hey everyone! I recently completed my first semester of college with a full course load (18 credits) and all As, and I thought I could share some of the things that have (and haven't) worked for me these last few months. This is just going to be on dorm life, but I'll probably do some on organization and school work in the future. I do go to a pretty small school so my experiences may not be applicable to everyone, but I hope somethings on this list may help!

Roommates can be pretty hit or miss, and if it's the latter, talk to your resident assistant! My first roommate was nice enough but we had very different ways of living. I had become closer friends with one of my suitemates so we talked with our RA and managed to switch with little issue. If you're not satisfied with your roommate situation, it won't get better, so get help!

A great habit to get into is making your bed every morning. If you're rushing to a morning class, at least make it once you get back to your dorm. Your room can be spotless, but a messy bed can ruin the effect. A made bed will also make it less likely for you to get back in bed when you should be doing something more productive!

Make sure you talk with your roommates/suitemates about shared living spaces - when the bathroom gets cleaned, where everyone gets to store their stuff, etc. This will prevent future conflict if sorted out early in the year!

Leave your door open as much as possible! I know a lot of people recommend this, but it's really amazing how many people will stop by and chat, I've made a couple good friends because of doing this (plus it helps keep the room cooler if your window is open in the summer because the air can circulate).

A Keurig and/or a hot water boiler are really useful. Coffee shops on campus can get expensive even with the flex cash, and it's really nice to make a cup of tea at the end of a long day.

Fairy lights are your friend. My roommate and I hate the harsh, fluorescent lights the college gave us, so we picked up 5-6 strands of white lights and swooped them from wall to wall across the ceiling. They illuminate the room with warm light and make it really cute! We're a little extra sometimes but a couple of strands can go a long way.

Pillows are a must have. Whether your bed is on the floor or lofted like mine, they make the room so much more inviting and your bed way comfier!

You don't need a TV or a microwave, but the latter is useful. TVs just take up precious storage space and it's honestly easier to stream shows on your phone or laptop. Microwaves are super useful, but lots of people have them, so you can just make friends with other people on your floor - most of the people I know are really chill about letting others use theirs.

Get some shower shoes, please. I fortunately don't have floor wide communal bathrooms, but I do share a shower with three other people, and that floor is a breeding ground for bacteria.

On that note, make sure the bathroom gets cleaned at least once a week. Shower, toilet, sinks, the works. This really helps reduce the likelihood of getting sick, which can really cut down on your productivity. I really like Clorox or Lysol wipes - they can be used on practically anything!

It's also important to wipe down surfaces in your room every 1-2 weeks, plus it makes your room smell better!

College vacuums are nasty and smell bad, so it's a good idea to pick up at least a small hand-held vacuum to clean up your area each week. You'd be surprised how much can accumulate on the floor.

This one's optional, but a cute, durable rug can really make your room nicer. I got mine from Home Depot for around $40 which is a bit of an investment, but it's so much nicer than the old college carpet.

Lofting your bed(s) really does save space. I've grown up with a loft so the small under space for my desk and shelves isn't a problem for me. My current bedframe doesn't allow you to raise it up, but if yours does and you have enough floor space for your other furniture, that can be even more precious storage space.

Open your window shades! It's nice to get natural light, and if you get enough, you can even keep little plants on your window sill!

Some RAs put in more effort than others, but make an effort to go to floor or building wide events, you might have a great time. These are often on weeknights, so they're a nice break from studying.

Beware of air freshener. Yes, college dorms often don't smell great, but you will quickly be desensitized to the scents you choose, so it can start to smell too strong to others. I like using linen spray, it keeps your sheets and room smelling fresh but isn't too overpowering.

Make your desk area your own. My roommate and I are different in that she loves to be minimalist, whereas I love cozy clutter. I have lots of pictures and art of family, friends, and home on my walls and shelves whereas she has everything in neat containers or drawers, and a single tapestry on the wall. Do whatever makes you happy.

Your room should ultimately be the place where you can chill after a long day, so try not to do as much of your studying there. It's nice to get out and go to the library or a new coffeeshop for work so your room can just be for relaxing in. However, your room should still be set up in a way where you can be productive - especially during finals or when the weather is too bad to go out in.

This one applies to me mostly, but you don't need to bring all of your stationary and notebooks with you. There's not necessarily going to be enough room for it all. I'm still working on this, but you probably don't need eight sets of pens for college.

Invest in a speaker or speakers if you haven't already. I've made my room super homey, and one of the biggest ways is by having music almost always playing - not necessarily loudly but just enough that I'm not sitting in silence all the time.

It may be tempting to stock your mini fridge with ice cream and microwave meals but try to fill it with other things! Frozen berries, yogurt, chia or flax seeds, milk (or almond milk if you're lactose intolerant like me), some water bottles or cans of pop. It's nice to be able to reach for a healthy snack without having to trek over to the dining hall or campus store.

Decorating your dorm for the season or holiday can be really fun and a nice break from studying. My roommate and I hung tons of ornaments from the ceiling for Christmas which looked really cute, and we decorate our door for each month. It can be a bit time consuming, but it's just a fun thing to consider.

Take time at least once a week just to tidy up. Wash dishes, put laundry away, file papers, vacuum. For me, cleaning up helps reboot my brain, and I find myself to be way more productive with a clean area.

Those soft fleece blankets are really great for cuddling in when you're sick, tired, it's your time of the month, etc. (I have two but you probably just need one)

Don't do you laundry over the weekend unless you've gotten up early. Everyone does it then, so try to find a free morning or afternoon during the week to do it.

On that note, a drying rack is super useful. You can save money by not putting your clothes through a drying cycle, and just let them air dry. This also makes your room smell good!

I live in Michigan so summers get hot and winters are freezing. Fans (plural) are a must have if your dorm has no AC, I have a desk fan and a tall room fan. Blankets and warm pjs and slippers really help in getting through the cold season.

Make friends with someone who has a car on campus if you don't have one! This can be really useful especially for late night trips to Meijer.

At the end of the day, your dorm should be your happy place. Keep it clean, well stocked, and cute, and your college experience will be even better!

I hope some of these tips were useful! Keep an eye out for the next post in this series, and good luck in the new year to all of you!

-B

[pointthefingerblametheother]

Today is the last day on our lease for our two bedroom apartment for the last two years. Doing the final cleaning and touching up, running the vacuum through yet again since shampooing and still getting her hair out of the carpet. It doesn't make me miss her any less. But I do wish you were here helping. We made this mess together, It's up to us to set things straight, so I thought. - My phone says I walked 6 KM between moving and cleaning. 🥵 I've already lost so much weight the past few months.

So what does my mind do to cope?

Apparently my instinct was to grab a spare piece of foam left over from packing

And hold it up, exclaiming "Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya; you killed my father; prepare to die!"

And then proceed to swing it around like a sword fight through the living room and both bedrooms like I'm practicing to fight Count Rugen.

And then I remembered all of a sudden that that was the first movie she suggested that I absolutely had to watch. And all sorts of feelings came back into my mind slowly. My mind slowly turning chronologically, like an old projector outlining and displaying each and every day month and year in order about our history. We've been through a lot these past 7 1/2 years. I'd love to take on more years with her. I want to take on the rest of our lives together; until the day our bodies return to dust.

Damn I miss her so much, I wish I could know if she missed me too. I've never stopped loving her. I'm going to miss this place even though I lost myself to depression in this apartment. I hope someday we can reunite. My heart is still burning for her, And I wish to reignite the fire that used to burn in her heart for me, too; she's just got to lean close enough for it to catch so we can share the warmth of our love, like we used to, potentially even stronger than ever.

I may not have the movie, but I have that book in my book bag I put together to tide me over until I close on the house. I bought it when Crystal worked at Pearl Street Books. I always had intentions to read it, but after I got a few sections in, I always had the movie available to didn't feel compelled enough to read the rest of it; I'm glad I have it now.to bring me comfort and to read through while I'm waiting to move into the house.

If I'm able to finish it, It will be the first book I have finished since college. I have missed reading so much, But lost my mind to video games to try and escape my darkness and my depression, and to keep my hands busy so I didn't do something to harm myself. It kept my hands moving and my mind away from thinking about self-harm, But I should have gotten professional help if I would have known and been able to realize how much of my life I was wasting in that stupid game. I stopped enjoying it but my body could not break, My mind could not break on its own, The unforgiving grip that it had on me. I didn't realize I was thinking those thoughts until I stepped away and couldn't stay out in the living room with Crystal, because all she wanted to watch was true crime, which gave me PTSD about the horrible things I've experienced in my life already. I wanted to snuggle but it was hard to get my body to do that with the violence going on, on the TV. Some is okay but when they go into the details about violence it triggers very strongly inside of me and I feel sick to my stomach. I've witnessed enough of the violence firsthand, My mom getting held up against a wall with a shotgun to her chest, the countless times she's been beat up and I've had to get in the middle of it, because of things like alcohol and meth being involved, When I was only a kid. I was forced to be the man of the house from a young age, so I'm very protective of the people that I love. My anxiety from being deserted is not something I can control yet, But I'm trying through therapy and medication and talking with my doctor. I love getting help and trying to work on myself to get better. But getting the help for myself isn't making me miss her any less either. My heart is burning for Crystal, but it needs some oxygen to flourish.

Every day without her, the flames in my heart grow shorter. The embers growing colder. I'm not ready for this fire to die and grow cold. Not without closure. If she told me why she left, or told me there was hope for us potentially in the future, then it would make focusing on myself getting better that much easier. Question no longer becomes whether, but returns to how. - For now I'm "Lost in the Woods".

I miss being able to share my love with Crystal and Izzy. I really don't understand what I did wrong, I hate the cloud of my depression that caused me to play video games for so long. I wish I could have known to get help sooner, like immediately when I got my insurance or around when I got my third paycheck and avoided all of this.

I miss you, my love; and Izzy aka Sweetheart.

This house just ain't no home,

Now that she's gone away.

[the2travel]

* World Travel Tips : I Took An Adult Gap Year, I've Never Been Happier

Travel Tips -

Exactly one year ago, I found myself seriously facing the decision to either follow my newly-found passion for traveling, or pay rent. I couldn’t do both, because I literally only had enough money for one or the other. Since it had taken me twenty seven years to even discover this passion, and a full year after that to convince myself I could travel longer than two weeks, I ended up saying f**k it, and opting for Asia over my studio apartment in West Hollywood.

It was more than just my sudden wanderlust that fueled the decision though. At twenty eight years old, I found that I wasn’t nearly as fulfilled with life as I thought I would have been back in college. I didn’t have that token perfect relationship, and I was FAR from having a ring on my finger or dare I say, a child. I still felt like a child myself, and I knew part of that was because I never got the opportunity to travel when I was younger.

I always kind of just expected that all of our lives would fall into the same routine pattern, so when mine didn’t, I started to wonder what on Earth I was supposed to do next. It made me feel like I had failed for some reason, and that feeling made me unhappy.

All I could really think of that I knew would make me happy, was to go out in the World and figure out what did. It wasn’t exactly considered “normal” for someone “my age” to just drop everything and go travel, but spoiler alert, one month turned into one year, and now I’m sitting on a white pebble beach in front of the crystal clear Adriatic Sea in Croatia, with nothing but my laptop and a random cat laying behind me, getting ready to tell you exactly what happened…

A post shared by Alyssa Ramos ✈️ Travel Blogger (@mylifesatravelmovie) on May 1, 2017 at 8:00am PDT

Cue the “Gap Year”. Well, in my case, and “Adult Gap Year”

What is a gap year? If you aren’t familiar with the term, it’s probably because the gap year doesn’t exist in the U.S. Actually, it only exists in Australia and a few places in Europe, but something like it is encouraged in many other countries as well.

A gap year is when students take the year off in between high school and college to travel on their own or with friends. It’s not to party or go crazy, like most of us do the second we leave home and get to college; it’s to find themselves, learn responsibility, and discover how many possibilities are in this world.

I definitely did not get that when I was younger, as I’m sure many of you didn’t as well. I didn’t even get to travel on vacation with my family because we were poor, but even so, it’s not like I was encouraged to do so in school.

So, feeling like I needed to really experience more of this world and in my life, I put my things in storage, made a plan, and left.

A post shared by Alyssa Ramos ✈️ Travel Blogger (@mylifesatravelmovie) on Dec 26, 2016 at 9:14am PST

Photo: During my Adult Gap Year I went to over 30 countries, mostly solo, and completed seeing all 7 World Wonders, and 6 Wonders of Nature.

Yes, it was Terrifying to take the Leap, then I Couldn’t Stop

A post shared by Alyssa Ramos ✈️ Travel Blogger (@mylifesatravelmovie) on Nov 17, 2016 at 6:46am PST

As I mentioned, I had to put all of my stuff in storage, something I’ve never done before since I’ve had my own apartment since I was seventeen. That being said, I was also technically “homeless” for the first time ever, which of course was beyond terrifying at first. I worried beyond belief that when I left I’d lose everything, that my friends would forget me, and that somehow, I’d miss something in LA.

But a month passed and I hadn’t had enough. I still had money left from what I had saved for months, and was making a steady income from online freelance work and being a digital nomad.

When the second month came near and I had to make the decision again, I opted for a month in India over paying for rent and a deposit on a place back home in LA (I’m originally from Florida but I call LA “home”). Since I was “in the area”, I figured why not make it Sri Lanka and the Maldives too? Both of which I did on an extreme budget.

I Opened Up to Opportunities, and they Came

A post shared by Alyssa Ramos ✈️ Travel Blogger (@mylifesatravelmovie) on Oct 16, 2016 at 6:13am PDT

I’ve always been what I like to call an “outgoing introvert”. I like to be around friends, but I also like to be alone, and get things done on my own, and was always convinced I didn’t need anyone else to help me.

Well, when you travel alone for so long, you start to open up to the thought of meeting people and letting them help you. The second I changed my mindset, was when I met someone who actually ended up traveling with me to four countries. (Yes it was a steamy foreign love affair, but I’ll get to that another time).

Aside from that little foreign fling, I also opened up to the opportunity of meeting locals in almost every country I traveled in. I wanted to learn as much as possible from their perspective, and from that I learned more than I’ve ever learned in school about people, cultures, religion, politics, history, and the world in general.

This new understanding, and these exciting experiences have changed the way I think of and interact with people. It has made me friendlier, kinder, and more empathetic. This change not only made me happier, but it immensely helped strengthen and broaden my career as a digital nomad as well.

I Got Used to a Minimalist Lifestyle

A post shared by Alyssa Ramos ✈️ Travel Blogger (@mylifesatravelmovie) on Aug 18, 2016 at 9:01am PDT

Throughout my entire Adult Gap Year, I traveled with a carry-on sized bag, and a tote bag. I never once got anything out of my storage unit (not that I’d have anywhere to put it), and would only shop once a month when I would switch out my wardrobe. The clothes I had been previously wearing all got donated to a local in whatever country I finally decide to go shopping in.

A post shared by Alyssa Ramos MyLifesAMovie (@alyssaramostravels) on May 25, 2017 at 2:50am PDT

I also got used to, and am very good at buying groceries at local markets; even if I have to take a few extra seconds to convert the price or translate what something is.

A post shared by Alyssa Ramos MyLifesAMovie (@alyssaramostravels) on May 27, 2017 at 6:31am PDT

This type of lifestyle also made me extremely healthy, and I can tell a clear difference than from when I wasn’t traveling full time. I never get sick when I travel because I make sure to eat right, and I’m more in shape because I choose to walk everywhere…even if that’s mostly to save money…

But Maintained my Adult Comfort

A post shared by Alyssa Ramos ✈️ Travel Blogger (@mylifesatravelmovie) on May 18, 2017 at 4:52am PDT

I won’t lie, there’s a 0% chance that I would sleep in a shared dorm in a hostel, or couch surf. I’m a grown ass woman who makes a good income on her own, so you better believe I’m going to travel with certain standards.

Most of the time I do a really good job at finding last minute deals online for decent and even really nice hotels…even if some times they’re all sold out and I have to opt for a scary place.

A post shared by Alyssa Ramos MyLifesAMovie (@alyssaramostravels) on May 24, 2017 at 5:10am PDT

I’ll also treat myself to a nice lunch or dinner now and then. I don’t think I should have to miss out on the luxuries of nice dining just because I don’t have anyone to take me out! I’m actually super proud of how confident I’ve gotten with eating out alone…”Just one?” “You’re damn right just one!” Although it’s hard to really stay alone once people realize you are…if you know what I mean.

I Was Never Afraid to say No...or Yes

A post shared by Alyssa Ramos ✈️ Travel Blogger (@mylifesatravelmovie) on Feb 9, 2017 at 5:56am PST

Part of being comfortable as an adult is knowing exactly when you do and don’t want to do something. I’ve learned to easily say no to peddlers, promoters, all-too-charming men, etc., which has really helped in my normal life, especially with decisions I want to say yes to, but I know I really should say no to…that mostly applies to men, business, and dessert.

On the flip side, this Adult Gap Year has also taught me to easily say ‘Yes’ to a lot of things I probably wouldn’t have before. I don’t think twice about how long it will take me to get somewhere, especially if it’s a hike to a waterfall, and there’s literally nothing I think I can’t do.

This mentality change has not only made me a stronger, happier person, but a successful entrepreneur with a constant stream of dreams and ideas that turn to realities.

I Learned How to Adapt to Any Surrounding

A post shared by Alyssa Ramos ✈️ Travel Blogger (@mylifesatravelmovie) on Feb 16, 2017 at 5:00am PST

One thing I can distinctly notice after my Adult Gap Year, is that no one can ever guess where I’m from. That’s because when I travel, I immediately adapt to the culture, customs, and local life, mostly because it just makes everything easier. As I said, it’s important to try to make your life as “normal” as possible when you know it’s not normal at all.

Before I took my Adult Gap Year, I worried non-stop about what it was going to be like in another country, and so far away from home. Now I show up and assume chameleon mode, which also makes things a lot more interesting.

I Checked off a Bucketlist I Never Knew I Had

A post shared by Alyssa Ramos ✈️ Travel Blogger (@mylifesatravelmovie) on Feb 9, 2016 at 4:34am PST

The bucket list I do have basically just includes “travel the world” and “get to Antarctica”. But during my Adult Gap Year I found myself constantly thinking, “I’ve always wanted to do that”, then doing it, and then adding it to my bucketlist just so I could check it off.

Aside from traveling to almost 40 countries in a year, which I was NOT expecting to do at all (remember, I was only supposed to be gone one month), I had a lot of other firsts as well. Most of them were things I thought were too late to do since I was already almost thirty and an adult, but low and behold, I did them anyway, and couldn’t be more satisfied.

I got scuba certified and dove in five different countries including Egypt, the Maldives, Indonesia, French Polynesia, and the Bahamas. I learned to drive on the opposite side of the road in New Zealand, and live out of a camper van.

I learned “Hello, how are you, please, and thank you” in about ten different languages. I bungee jumped, and also cliff jumped…way too many times to count. I climbed to the top of a tree in the Amazon rainforest, after swimming in the Amazon river with pink dolphins. I swam with Manta Rays in the wild in Indonesia, and also hung my feet over a volcanic crater lake. I chased so many damn waterfalls that people are starting to ask me when I’m going to make a coffee table book with all of the photos.

I completed my list of visiting all of the new 7 World Wonders, a huge achievement for me; and perfected the art of getting a photo in front of each one with absolutely no people in them. I also made it to 6 of the 7 Wonders of Nature...and continents...both of which I intend to get to the 7th of this year.

I became inspired, encouraged, and ambitious to see more, do more, and be more, not just for me, but for the people I show my new lifestyle to.

I Now Have a Solid List of Big Goals

A post shared by Alyssa Ramos ✈️ Travel Blogger (@mylifesatravelmovie) on May 30, 2017 at 9:32am PDT

After accidentally traveling full time for a year, mostly solo (AKA an Adult Gap Year) and achieving as much as I did, my list of life goals has not gotten shorter. It has basically grown from being the size of a lizard to the size of a dinosaur, with the aggressive behavior to match.

Thanks to this adult Gap Year, I truly feel like I can do anything now, from traveling the world, to starting my own business. I may have risked a lot; a home, a relationship, friends, family, MY DOG, but through the clarity I’ve found, I know that there’s time for that, and everything will happen when it’s supposed to. And that applies to everyone.

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World Travel Tips : Find cheap flights, hotels and car rentals. Plan your trip with travel guides, personalized recommendations, articles, deals and more. When you travel, you want your bags to travel with you. Follow these tips from travel professionals on how not to lose your luggage.