#and idk WHAT it is but theres been something very obnoxious about the things ive been reading to the point were im wondering if im aroace

[meruz]

maybe a weird question, but does the show that your backgrounds appear in ever make you feel differently about your work? like as an artist im sure youre pretty much always proud of the finished product but if the show that uses them is one you dont like does it ever.. make you feel weird?? or is it still just like "hey, i did that!"

nah..Not any weirder than posting art in general feels LOL. the thing is, liking a tv show as entertainment is different from liking it as a workplace which is also different from liking it as idk… an art object to put in my portfolio. I’m not going to pretend there isn’t overlap there like if I had to kind of draw it out (in more ways than one haha)...

So theres a lot of push and pull between factors. Its VERY common for artists to have shows they enjoyed working on that they wouldn’t personally enjoy watching and vice versa. And for me personally? I’m a glass half full kind of guy so even amongst mixed feelings I tend to focus on the good parts and I've liked almost every show I've worked on, come out feeling pretty good about my work almost all the time. 

I’m lucky though. I’ve never had to stay at a job with truly heinous working conditions. I’ve always had the privilege of enough resources (savings, parents house to fall back on, etc) to quit and find something new which is something not all people have. 

And I guess I would feel weird/bad about my work if it turned out to be used for like… a horrendous hate crime or something? Like if god forbid I ended up somehow…presumably accidentally?? working on the 21st century’s version of Birth of a Nation???? But (knock on wood) I like to think the chances of that in animation are pretty slim LOL or at the very least I'd be able to see the red flags ahead of time and get out of there…. one of the good/lame things about mass media is that it’s supremely moderate like it can’t be transgressive or radical (on either end of the political spectrum) or else it risks losing profit. And on top of that, animation is one of the least spontaneous storytelling mediums. just by nature of how much coordination and planning that has to be done ahead of time for something as simple as moving a character across the screen. Backgrounds in particular are relatively middle-late in the animation pipeline. every show runs a little differently but normally by the time we're working on bgs the story, boards, and characters are like... 70-90% locked in? So it’s pretty rare to be working on a show only to later be surprised by whats on screen when it airs.

I do know that south park turns on a dime and makes episodes slapdash in like one week but uh I like to think they're the exception not the rule LOL. most western animation will take about a year per ep from outline to final export.

anyways thanks for sending a thoughtful ask as opposed to something patronizing or obnoxiously leading like "im so sorry you had to work on such a shitty show" which ive been getting a bit of lately.

[robinisaghost]

animatic ideas :0 (ramble away, i would love to hear them!!)

mk thank you for enabling me, i will now be yelling

anyway

this is gonna be so obnoxiously long i am so sorry

can you add read more's on asks? eeeekkkk because this got so damn long lmao

mild dsmp spoilers obviously

this is the playlist, by the way

-im sorry boris (wilbur soot)

i think it would work really well with mmm slightly post lmanburg niki. andby slightly i mean. well when she leaves (that is the whole thing of the song gdfjkhgsdf) also side note at like 1 minute 11 on that song theres a discord notification really subtly in the background and it makes me paranoid every time i hear it. anyway god its such a nice song. even for just like. the end of lmanburg. not necesarily paired with a character, just the sense of leaving a place that was so highly populated before it got blown up twice and was like. the main part of the smp. yeah. anyway also the lines "they'll knock down the pubs before helping you...they'll let you jump under trains before helping you" yeah those four lines have big niki vibes but also i think the song could work well with exile tommy or actually even with the finale when tubbo is about to sacrifice himself? mmmmm yeah

-this is home (cavetown)

mmmm got exile tommy vibes innit. a lot of these have exile tommy vibes tbf i just like sad songs and also exile tommy. plus the song has a lot of like. the message is sort of like. changing yourself to appeal to others? like with "ill cut my hair to make you stare" but also the repeated thing of "ill figure out a way to get us out of here" which is clearly the main character of the song trying to help everyone when they are clearly not in a good way themself. yeah thats got big tommy vibes in general tbh but more like. pre finale tommy. i think he got a bit more independant after that.

-soldier poet king (the oh hellos)

ok this is self explanatory and has been done to death already but d a m n its kinda funky. anyway i had thoughts and actually started this but then lost motivation and deleted it all lmaooo. the only proof of its existance is a shitty storyboard in my draw which will hopefully never see the light of day again (unless anyone wants to see it :eyes:) anyway i had the thought of like. sbi? so soldier techno poet wilbur and king tommy. but tbf tommy and techno are kinda interchangeable with that, cos while techno is obviously the better fighter, tommy is used a lot, especially in lmanberg era and also i think he probably will be now that wilburs back

-pyjama pants (cavetown)

ok so i honestly dont remember why this is on the playlist but tbf this could go well with a bunch of characters. thinking like. phil and wilbur? or wil and tommy, or tubbo and ranboo are two that like. i know for a fact that i did not put the song on the playlist specifically for them but god thinking about it now it works so well with them

-boys will be bugs (cavetown)

OH BOY THERES A LOT OF CAVETOWN ON HERE HUH (i feel like that probably says something about me but shhhhhh we dont need to talk about that) ANYWAY

I think this could probably work really well with tommy? because of the whole like. trying really hard to come across as not caring about others, but really being like. very vunerable. but at the same time it could go really well with wilbur for the same reasons. also the song fucks ok cant deny it. to be fair i think it works better with tommy, because he's younger and also he really likes bugs (unless i am mistaken) which is just a cool coincidence but still)

-brother (kodaline)

FUCKKKKKKKKKKK THIS WORKS SO WELL WITH SO MANY CHARACTERS AND IS ALSO ***SO ANGSTY*** WHAT

anyway

i added it because of tommy and tubbo because holy shit, but also it could work very very well with wilbur and tommy, techno and wilbur, probably techno and tommy, and oh my god i just thought of this but this would work so well with phil and techno!!!! but yeah i originally thought tommy and tubbo because i thought it was a funny coincidence with exile tommy waking up underwater, and theres a line that says "if you were drowned at sea, id give you my lungs so you could breathe" and like. just thinking about the compasses especially. me gusta.

-feel better (penelope scott)

fundy. that is all.

no ok this works well with fundy but also probably karl sapnap and quackity, and also very much wilbur, like it works well with both. just mainly fundy idk why its got big fundy vibes tho. very poggers.

-as the world caves in (matt maltese)

ok but like this goes very very well with the explosions of lamberg. either of them. i think probably the first one is better, but i think it goes well with both. probably the first one, because it was way more emotional i think? cos it was the first time that their homes had been destroyed and everything, but also because it was so personal, because wilbur was the one who did it. i think that also it would work well if it was set during the explosion but also focussed on different facets? so like. one bit about wilburs perspective, one bit about tommys, one about phils, one about fundys maybe? idk just a bunch of lmaburg citizens' povs for this. its good. as the world caves in is a song that can be so gender tbh.

-do you hear the people sing? (les mis)

obvious obvious obvious...... but like..... also tbh it goes well with a bunch of things. like, mmmmm wilbur in pogtopia. the butcher army. lmaburg independance war (obviously ghdskj) but yeah. also this song just goes so hard like b r u h

-wolf in sheeps clothing (set it off, william beckett)

SO MANY OF THESE ARE LIKE. PRETTY OBVIOUS IF YOUVE HEARD THE SONG

but yeah. it would go so well with like. well any betrayal basically. so eret, from tommys pov maybe, or about wilbur from nikis pov, or wilbur from anyone pov tbf, or quackity from charlie/purpled/foolish/sams pov, or sam from tommys pov, really it works well with so many people which says a lot about the characters tbh but shhhhhhhhhhhh

-need you here (idkhow)

OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD

mk mk mk mk FUNDY AND WILBUR THO

like b r u h that works so well with them

also i started this one as well but didnt like it, theres a story board in my draw as well for it because like. oh my god its such a good idea i just am shit at animating and don't have a decent enough program :')

also also

the line "daddy has to go, and that makes me sad, but daddy will always come back, he promised" fuckkkkkk that works so well with like. say for example, idk, when they're celebrating schlatts death and wilbur leaves to press the button? the sheer fucking angst of that is enough to kill any one person istg that is in fact the entire reason why i started the animatic in the first place. just that line. also all the lines sung by the child voice. fuckin angsty as hell. also ust generally a banging song, as is every idkhow song

-green (cavetown)

another cavetown song huh. ok sure.

mk so wilbur and sally and fundy. like. for a start, the imagry of a fish at the start? boom sally.

anyway the lines "you looked so good in green, i hope you're well, and you look so good with him, (schlatt ig?) and I'm proud of you still (wilburrrr and fundyyyy) i miss your perfect teeth, i was too blunt, i hope you feel happy, that's all I want"

FUCKKKK

the whole song is about missing someone you used to love and only hoping the best for them!!!! and wishing that they are happy and safe!!!!!!!!!!! and hoping they still think about you!!!!! but even if they dont its fine because all you want is for them to be happy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

-achilles come down (gang of youths)

OK I THOUGHT IT COULDNT GET ANGSTIER

so like. tw suicide but thats what the entire song is about and bing bang boom i just think it works so so so so so so so well with not only exile tommy (who obviously did try to kill himself) but also wilbur in a slightly more metaphorical way? so like. his self destructive habits leading him to a point where he had no choice other than to kill himself and to take his country down with him. and its all about other characters trying to help them and persuade them not to but also near the end there is a second voice trying to persuade them to go along with it, which im thinking like. if its wilbur, either dream or maybe just himself. his own brain persuading him to continue down the path that would inevitably lead to his and his countries destruction. also it works well with schlatt for the same reasons, except he doesnt want to die. maybe (since the song is so goddamn long) like. one verse for tommy one for wilbur and one for schlatt? dead gang poggg but also like. the verses cover fairly different things which work with one character but not so much the others, for example the first verse would be tommy because its mainly about persuading the person to not kill themself (which tommy did himself but shhh) the second for schlatt because its literally about drinking and smoking away your problems, and the third for wilbur since its more of a fight between the "good" and the "bad" sides, which is obviously what wilbur was experiencing. also obviously i have a soft spot for this song because its string instruments and french, basically my favourite combination ever (also i like his voice idfk lmao)

ANYWAY THATS ALL THE SONGS ON THERE SO FAR

i literally thought of another song while i was in the shower today but i dont remember which it was but a n y w a y the playlist will most definitely be getting longer, especially since there are so many more songs that are good for this but i just havent added them yet lmao. anyway ive been writing this for like an hour gsdfjhgdhfsg but still oh my god this was fun to write

[dunewizard]

Every Sunday since I stopped going to church, my Nonna has given me a lecture on how I “need to go”.

Its another rant so I’m keeping it under a readmore. Sorry mobile users.

Its funny because I dont believe in it anymore, not athiesm or anything, I’m just not fuckin interested. I mean I’m sure theres something up there but whatever.

But looking at it like a D&D religion they’d have their rules and things they’d live by, and the ones that I hear are pretty straightforward and easy to understand. 1) Dont exclude others, this religion is for everyone 2) To get to heaven (big good want this) you gotta know JC - be friends with Big Dude’s Son. 3)..  I think thats literally it. Honestly forget the first one even, because they say if you know Jesus enough you just stop being a cunt to people, which makes sense cause that was his whole deal.  So whats this shit I hear about “needing” to go to church?  Its easier to fall out with Jesus just because I dont go over his house? Fucking what?  Dude just call him up every time you wanna talk cause that motherfucker is on BRAIN speeddial. You can make a friendship happen when he decides to talk back.

Like - You dont need churches for that.  I dont wanna go to church because its loud, uncomfortable, the people all stare at me, and if I talk to them they make it very clear they dont want to talk to me. I feel unwelcome in the one place I thought I’d not be turned away. So I thought, Hey, Not only is this uncomfortable, unfufilling, sensory hell place not a location where I will meet God, but I wouldnt want to meet him here. If he knew me he’d know I’d wanna just be alone in my room and meet him there. Idk! Some place safe and not  loud! I dont follow the group mentality yet! I dont want to! I dont want to raise my hands and sing if I dont feel like it, in fact I hate that! What? The whole reason I warmed up to the place back then was that I felt alone, miserable, and hey, heres a group of people who are accepting and welcoming - and their music isnt too loud or obnoxious.

After I had been going for a year I guess they gave up because I had been dealt with - the habit had been formed. But like... no? I’m not going to give money to your collection plate, I’m not going to sit in your pews and just act like the rest of you. I dont like that.

Also I had to drive by like 2 Hungry Jack’s and 2 Mcdonalds to get to Church and as a struggling Fast Food addict (recovering) - I dont need that kind of stress in my life. Very honest about that one.

So yeah.

I am sure someone has an opinion somewhere (maybe not on this tumblr lmao) of a reason I should go to church, but as far as I’m concerned those rules I mentioned above are literally the only ones that matter - theyre kind of all encompassing and answer a lot of the questions people might have about stuff.

I’m not buying it anymore. I mean it’s interesting to talk about - but I’m not giving it the energy anymore.

Maybe thats hurting my Nonna’s feelings - but its not like Ive taken up athiesm, satanism, or anything else thats directly opposed to her beliefs! I’m just not going to church! We didnt even go to the same churches!!!! like theres no even that!!!

[pwnyta]

AGE OF ULTRON BOTHERS ME OK. Like... I ENJOYED IT. I thought it was a fun romp but if I think about it beyond just watching cool fight scenes its fucking irritating.

So Im gonna give my suggestions on how to fix it so it doesnt feel like Whedon disregarded every other movie that he had no part in..

HERE GOES.

First off... this should be a movie that completely cements the Avengers as a team. Ultron should try AND FAIL to put a divide in the Avengers. Loki already broke them up and Whedon absolutely knows that Civil War is coming and its gonna happen again so THIS movie should be one where the Avengers are the most SOLID OF UNITS.

Especially Steve and Tony. Steve distrust of Tony is baseless and obnoxious... it made some sense in the first movie because Tonys attitude in public and thats all Steve got plus Lokis discourse stick adding fuel to the fire... FINE. But its shitty in this movie and makes Cap look like a fucking moronic prick... because REALLY trusting the chick that mind raped you and tried to murder you over your fucking teammate? JANKY and makes you look like an incompetent leader (though the writers would ignore that fact because theyre too scared to let Steve make mistakes... but w/e)

The one area I can see them actually arguing or disagreeing is Tony making Vision after what happens with Ultron. Tony points out hes been making AI for a long ass time without issue and Cap says its not worth it, Tony argues damned if we dont maybe not damned if we do.... scuffle happens, Vision happens, Thor pops in, Stark was right... Cap and Tony have a heart to heart because theyre friends and they make up...

At some point before Wanda and Pietro switch sides, Wanda learns that Tony wasnt the one selling weapons... maybe when Ultron is talking about him learning shit from the internet and deciding humanity should just fuck off (a fair assessment honestly) one of the things he mentions is Tony being carelessness and Stane selling weapons under the table... and it starts sinking in in that moment that shes been attacking a man who had no real part in her parents death, but then Ultrons like Im gonna kill everyone and thats when Wanda and Pietro dip out.

The scene where Clint is talking to Wanda and Pietro should be a reconciliation between them and Tony instead... maybe a conversation about how he understands how it is to be the bad guy and hurt people because of grief... were not so different you and I and all that... and it would sting even harder in Civil War when Tony once again lets his grief consume him and he lashes out at Steve and Bucky.

Wanda getting to have a heart to heart with a character shes wronged most of all and trying to be a better person by helping the fight against Ultron would humanize her more and it would give her losing her brother a lot more of a sting. I think anyways.

CLINT SHOULD HAVE SHIT TO DO. I think Ive said this before but they should have Clint have a family but absolutely not have Clint go to his family home when hes being hunted down by a homicidal fuckin robot....ya know? He brings them to a safe house, the Avengers are still a little awkward and making comments... theres pictures of Clint with his wife and kids and Nat ‘these are agents.‘ ‘...the kids?‘ ‘...smaller agents...‘... at the end of the movie when theyre victorious we see a scene where Clint goes to another home and hes greeted by his wife and kids and were like OMG THEYRE ACTUALLY REAL AND NOT JUST A COVER? IDK what else to do with Clint...

Nat and Bruce woulda been fine but they should been the main source of animosity within the Avengers. Nat manipulated and lied to Bruce to get him into SHIELDs grasp and Bruce almost killed Natasha. Though theyre civil with each other in the end it would be interesting to see their relationship start to fester when theyre in a desperate situation. Maybe they get separated from the group and are forced to confront their negativity toward each other... and dont really make up until near the end of the movie. Natasha continuously thinks she can handle a situation alone (secretly shes afraid that Bruces anger for her will cause the Hulk to lash out at her too and Thor isnt around to stop him no one is... she'd be alone) and does a pretty good job fighting off the bad guys herself, but eventually theyre cornered and Bruce says they need Hulk... and she says no and they argue and Bruce does it anyways and takes out the bots coming after them and when he turns, Nat is clearly scared like she was that first time... Hulk reaches out to her because hes not just a mindless beast and she faces and conquers her fear and they work well together.

Bruce watching Natasha keep him safe and be there for him (maybe theres a point where SHE could save herself and leave Bruce but she doesnt) and she in turn sees that Bruce/Hulk isnt something that she needs to be scared of. EXCELLENT. If they wanna hint a maybe romance after that fine... I prefer it not happen but at least theres some material to work with. Bruce takes off at the end because he still cant deal with what happened earlier in the movie with him ripping apart a city... so hes off to Ragnarok as scheduled.

Thor.......... I dunno. Like Clint its a bit hard to work with him in this movie. He can do what hes doing in the movie I guess? but like... let him have some connection... maybe hes the one who calms Hulk down since Nats not there... but instead of just talking at Hulk hes like 'hey buddy!!' and Hulks like RRAWRRRR and Thor yells at him back and is like 'LOL -PUNCH- lets get going' and Hulk is like '-huff huff- -looks angry-.....k'. IDFK. But itd be cool since Ragnarok they became buddies anyways....

Rhodey should have been in contact with the Avengers in the movie more. There is a scene where hes talking with Tony and Nat over a computer but it was cut... but they should have given him that scene and him updating the Avengers on what hes doing (finding Fury and getting SHIELDs help or w/e) and Whedon not even letting Sam come back for the finally is unforgivable..

but I guess it would really highlight the fact he sidelined the 3 black guys and only let them come in in the end.... but Sam being sent to find Bucky was a shitty way to get rid of him. But it just makes it clear the movies after the Avengers was disregarded- Whedon doesnt know what to do with Sam (whos introd in Cap2), Rhodey is back to being War Machine with no explanation(even though in IM3 hes Iron Patriot), Fury is back with SHIELD (even though SHIELD was dismantled and Fury left)...

Rhodey being Iron Patriot could have been hilarious too... and also gave Steve and Rhodey some kind of connection. Just have him land by Cap in that ridiculous suit and Cap looks at him and he looks at Cap and Tonys like 'Well one of you needs to change...' and then in Civil War when Rhodey is back to War Machine... itd be kind of hilarious. They can even have another running gag where people keep fake mistaking them as the same person and theyre like 'ALRIGHT I FUCKING GET IT' 'LANGUAGE~~'

But youd need the writers to actually care about Rhodey... AND THEY FUCKIN DONT. All of them. Theyre all to blame.

..Where was I...

Also literally ONE scene with Vision and Tony... maybe at the very end... because Tony losing his most consistent/closest confidant and only RDJ looking devastated because he seems to be the only one who cares about Tonys bots/AIs kinda sucks. I mean Whedon admitted that he didnt think JARVIS was all that important didnt he? Garbo.

...IDK what else... but you know what I mean? Im so sick of heroes fighting each other... its cool and sad every once in awhile but literally every movie doesnt have to be that.

Will anyone read my rambling nonsense? Probably not... but I have a lot of feelings. AoU and BvS ...why do you gotta suck so hard.

[itissadbutitsmy-life]

forgive me for asking but I big adore your bfdi rarepairs and I was wondering if you had any other headcannons? (PS I'd die for you 💕💝💓💞❤️♥️💟💗❣️💖)

this took FIVEever to answer im sorry ghfg i wanted to do this ask justice i love you

under cut bc i, lost my mind theres alot

general

in one way or another p much everyone is dating

(doylian explanation:) because im a hopeless multishipper

(watsonian explanation:) mostly bc flower has a hand in about every pie so they’re all connected by proxy

also everyone has a crush on loser. like, everyone. even loser has a crush on loser.

golflower

flowers hopelessly in love with a new person every day and usually understands relationships like a middle school cartoon character does. youre my boyfriend now, that means we share candy bars sometimes and worship the ground the other walks on. sometimes she Forgets she was dating someone. oh hi eraser, what do you mean youre breaking up with me? we were dating? since when?? oh YEAH, yeah of course no hard feelings, see you around

golf ball makes her fall apart like wet paper though, all she wants is to…. impress her with math and physical prowess? she doesn’t know what to do w that feeling

so she carries stuff around like “golf ball hey, hey golf ball, do you see how im carrying an entire recovery center around? look golf ball i tore your door off your hinges, look, i made an entire robot, love me”

golf ball’s 1) big aromantic and 2) not impressed, but i mean, flower did just take the derivative of a complex fraction, and she can recite the first forty digits of pi, so she can’t be that bad. so she kinda melts a little. lets flower hang out while she’s doing Statistics™, lets flower buy her coffee and carry things for her

flower holds gb up to reach things. gb insists it isn’t helpful. flower insists it is.

tennis ball and flower are the two main members of I Have A Huge Crush On Golf Ball Anonymous. meetings are on wednesdays, see you there

the tb/gb/flower group text is a mess, flower wakes up to find 500 texts back and forth of tb and gb working out a tough math problem (why did they use the group text instead of just texting each other?), then tb and gb check their phones later to find 60 from flower correcting something they already corrected themselves (she didnt notice that part). golf ball goes afk with a “ok stop texting me flower” like twice a day and flower goes “ok! (ten more texts about everything on her mind).” 

gb and flower both take their coffee black, so flower’s pretty sure theyre soulmates (snowball has that too, but iced, so she thinks it’s probably not soulmate love….right?)

she was sure they were soulmates already, because gb is just,, so pretty, so nice,,,,, pretty voice,,

gb yells at her for something and on the inside, flower’s just like hyperventilating “she said mY NAME”

braceletty supports flower and her unrequited adoration for and support of someone completely out of her league. she knows the feeling

flower knows robots, a little, and so sometimes she uploads playlists or pictures onto tv or robot flower to make golf ball suffer

gb: “tv, show the results” tv: “now playing: for the love of my life, from flower”gb, screaming:

they were on the same team in season 1, and flower’s been hopeless pretty much ever since

the announcer crusher breaking when it hit gb is significant, idk if she made it to Not Hurt GB or if she put it There Specifically to crush gb because Feelings, but i love it and pretend it’s significant

gb knows how flower feels and begrudgingly accepts that flower’s That Friend Who Just Showed Up One Day And Won’t Leave

half my mind says “it works out, happy ever after” the other half says “gb breaks her heart and it isnt always ok for flower, angst, one-sided crush, no reciprocation, ever” and i love both

tennisnow

tennis ball. loves snowball. always has. like. wow tough,,,big, , but he never dwells on it, since, like, seriously? snowball??

and then one day snowball’s watching tennis ball’s team doing something and like, tennis ball smiles or something, and everything inside him goes “oh SHIT, that’s him, that’s, the one”

he’s furious (WHY HIM he’s a NERD he has no ARMS he’s WEAK) but it all ends up working out

idk how, i only like, understand one sided crushing, or established relationships

theyre that couple gazing into each other’s eyes while their food gets cold, like not so much pda as much as just being obnoxiously sweet together. mushy gushy. they’re liable to use the entire existing vocabulary of pet names, from “asshole” to “darling, my love,” every time they address each other

flower, self-proclaimed best friend to snowball, thought this was what she wanted for him, to have a nice relationship with someone cool, but once he got into one she became that friend gagging loudly every time sb and tb start doing mushy gushy things, solely to tick off snowball

it doesnt work he’s too busy looking at tb’s eyes

while sb was In Denial and flower was Working Things Out, they’d both yell “NERDS” at gb and tb to try and feel better

golf ball got it. tb was confused, he knows he’s a nerd, what gives?

when youre really close with someone made of snow or ice, you start to associate being very cold with being happy and loved. flower and tennis ball suffer. gb finds out tb’s taking colder and colder showers and is convinced snowball’s corrupted him somehow

in general, gb’s convinced snowball’s done Something to tb, but she has no idea a) what it might be, or b) how snowball of all people could be smart enough to do something evil. but she’s sure tb wouldn’t be dating snowball, snowball!!!! if he wasn’t brainwashed somehow

snowball gets rly sweet and borderline gentlemanly (in a sort of rough, tough-guy jock kind of way) with tb though, and tb’s melting every single day

ive also got uhhh LolliSawBag bc im a mess

lollipop and saw were already friends, so when it started to turn into Feelings they were just like Oh Okay Cool!

lollipop, normally, is like a ten year old boy at heart; spitballs and pulls their crush’s braids, gives them a note says “get the fuck out of my town,” she just generally reacts negatively to any feelings

saw was harboring a bit of a crush on barf bag already and so when she saw lollipop tripping bb and teasing her and stuff, she was like, OH

has A Talk with lollipop

has A Talk with bb

figures it out, they all hold hands and are happy

bb is the strongest one, can carry both her gfs on her shoulders at once

lollipop, once she gets past the ‘FUCK, FEELINGS, NO, ANYTHING BUT THIS’ stage, spoils her partners rotten. she gets or makes them gifts for any occasion, even though most of the stuff she gives is super unhelpful and weird. “thanks, lolli, for the…. the automatic peanut butter spreader, i really appreciate it. a great gift for The First Day Of Summer, thanks.”

i,,,m on low battery but holy shit i love, bfdi and smooshing characters together making kissing noises

[welllbeing]

nsfw ish rambling idk

affection, romance, attraction, and sexual things are tough for me and let me explain what i mean. I'm not good with affection because I just dont really show it in ways that people usually do. like I'm not one to say I love you a lot or to cuddle or hold hands all of the time. I have a couple of people that I'll kind of lean on but thats pretty much it, I show my affection by doing things like making sure you go to sleep when youre tired or calling you if I havent heard from you in a while to make sure youre okay or by reminding you to eat if you keep forgetting to, little things like that. I'm just not a very affectionate person. I'm not good with romance kind of for the same reason but also because sappy stuff annoys me most of the time. Of course I think things are nice occasionally if youve got a real connection with someone but I've never understood the people who say I love you or who talk about marriage within the first week of dating, it seems ridiculous to me. I'm not one who feels like you have to do extraordinary things to tell someone that you love them so when someone does those things for me I just feel guilty because they put the time, money, and/or effort into something that I would have been happy with if they had just told me simply. I'm no good with attraction because (1) I never seem to have people I like that are interested in me, theyre always too young, not cute, obnoxious, or a friend's ex so I dont usually intentionally give back, and (2) my friendliness often gets mistaken as flirting but I dont mean it as flirting so then when people find out they accuse me of leading them on so I've started just avoiding people because that annoys the hell out of me. and I'm no good with sexual things because I'm technically a virgin but I also dont want anything with any commitment. so I'm not trying to brag when I say this because this is actually an awful thing and I hate it but I have random guys that ask me to have sex with them all of the time. and while I wouldnt be totally opposed to just hooking up with someone just to say I did it, I don't want to sleep with someone that I'm not attracted to. like almost none of these guys are my type but the ones who are want to be in somewhat of a relationship. so its either hook up with someone you dont like or end up in a relationship that you dont want so I'm just like ??????????? so any time a guy says anything remotely sexual to me and he fits under either of those categories I'm like 'lol nah' and I dodge the fuck out of them. most of them get the hint but this one guy i know wont take it even though I'm being vague af with him and its annoying because ive told him several times that I'm not trying to hook up with him. I would be friends with him but I dont want to have sex with him because I'm not attracted to him at all and idk what else I have to do to get him to understand that. but idk I just want a guy who is on the same page as me. like for now since I dont want a real relationship id be cool with like a casual fwb thing with someone that I could also just hang and get high with or something. thats why I liked hanging with that last guy so much because we could just watch movies and get high and say 'hey youre hot and I'd totally have sex with you if you were down for it' and then just continue on with our movie laughing about dumb shit until 4am. he never pressured me, he never tried anything, he just put it out there as something for me to consider if I wanted to lose my virginity with a friend instead of a total stranger and then he totally left it alone when I'd say no. I was comfortable enough to have that conversation with him without feeling like I'd have to run in case he expected more than what I wanted but if I did want a relationship (I do have those days, shocker) i think the best kind for me are the ones that just start as friends anyway because theres no pressure and since youve gotten so comfortable with them as friends theres no need to impress them or prove your love because you already just know how they feel.

[gaylilfireball-blog]

Rant time (open for discussion if you want)

(Hey sheridan if you could just not read this thatd be great thanks)(but tbh i mean i cant stop you so🤷‍♀️)

Okay so yesterday i spent a better part of the day cuddling with this guy. Hes someone ive been friends with for almost a year and a half but its been a friendship mostly revolves around heloing each other through depression. Anyway last few months ive been working on actually making it a more thoughtful friendship bc he is genuinely a sweet guy.

About a week ago i hung out with him for the first time and we just walked around the mall being obnoxious teenagers and i walked with him to his apartment because he wanted to show it to me and i didnt want to make him walk by himself. Well then i was leaving and he ended up walking me back to my car at the mall. A few days after that we had planned to hang out again but this time at my house (wanted to meet the cats)

Like a day or two after that i kind of had a crisis and wasn't sure if i was developing feelings or not. I had a little crush but i wasnt sure if it was because i actually genuienly like him or if i was just latching on because he paid attention to me. He also has been pretty flirty for most of the time ive known him but its a small enough that it can still be considered friendly and him jusy being nice. I had asked about it previously and he mentioned that he tended to come across as flirty to a lot of people on accident. Anyway i did the ol' 20 questions thing and hinted out that there was a possibility of a crush but didn't mention anything after it

Hours later into the conversation he said that crush was mutual. I did make it fairly clear that i needed to figure out my jead and that i didnt know what was going on and that i wasnt promising anything. We continued the random q n a over the next day or two and it was a generally pretty open 20 questions. Didnt really not answer anything.

Well on the day he was coming over he planned to bring a movie (Rango) and i wanted to watch the black mirror movie so it was like already pre established we planmed to have casual movie day. We had both been keeping up the casual flirting and whatnot and like the night befire he had asked me if i wanted to cuddle as we watched movies. I did one of those like half answer things and basically did the "theoretically yes, realistically im anxious" but it was fine🤷‍♀️.

(I should probably preface with the fact that about 2 years ago i came out as pan rom and ace but like thats still very confusing bc honestly sexuality is hard? Ive dome some things that def werent ace and i enjoyed them kinda? More if the emotional aspect rather than any physical pleasure? But i still have very mixed feelings about said things so i dont even kmow anymore. Its kind of like i want to do and experience those things with another person (boy or girl) but like the thought if a dick kind of rly grosses me out and i dislike General nudity. So that aspect of my life is super wacky.)

(My first and only relationship was with a girl and it lasted about a year and 4 months. We lived pretty far away from each other (like a 30 min drive which was a lot bc neither of us amhad our license at the time) but we had been best friends for years prior. We did practice on the same team 12-16 hours a week together but we werent able to actually be a couple at the gym. Anyway we were already pretty close and comfortable with each other and it became like that physically as well. However i was very conflicted physically because i wanted the emotional bond that came with physical intimacy but the actual like pleasure aspect wasnt quite there. In the moment it was generally fine and enjoyable but ive never really understood like the big deal kind of? And afterwards it was kind of uncomfortable to think about so i mostly just ignored it. I also think i allowed myself to go too fast bc we knew each other really well but not necessarily in the relationship aspect. So we had been dating for 3 months maybe but i would have only seen her outside of practice like 4 times? I domt know im just kimd of scared of doing that again)

But anyway back to my story. Yesterday the boy camw to my house and it was pretty casual playing uno and joking around with each other. We started watching rango and were sitting on two pieces of a sectional together but not really together id you know what i mean. It was more of like separate cushions and i was leaning up against the wall on a pillow but our legs were touching. (He totally thought at one point he was playing footsie with me but it actually my shin. That was pretty hilarious) He also made a terrible joke "why are you using that pillow when theres a 6'2" one right here" (yes he is tall boy but i am tall girl so its fine) (i didnt take him up on the offer either.)

We had later moved to my bed to watch black mirror on my phone and were laying on our stomachs side by side. Totally ended up pressed together along oir sides and he was playing with my feet but it was warm and nice but goodness i was nervous. There was so much like tension.

I ended up flipping onto my back (bc i can only lay on my front for so long befire my shoulders and arms absolutely die) and told him he could do whatever but that i was laying on my back. He took that as an invitation to cuddle on me (it kind of was ) and thank god bc i was losing my mind. It just started out with his head on my shoulder/chest but as we got more comfortable his arm was around me and i was leaning into him.

Anyway(how amny times do you think ima say this lord) it was real nice and all but what inspired this rant was that i wish id like participated more in cuddling or like done something more with it. But then again im also like noooo dont go too fast calm doooown.

I also have the problem of like not being completely attracted to him. More of emotionally attracted but maybe im alao just attracted to the idea of him and i really could put anybody in that place? But he keeps fishing for compliments and its rly hard bc im not one to be untruthful but i look at hom and its just ?? I dont know. Thinking back to my ex girlfriend i never particularily found her attractive until we agreed there was mutual feelings and right before we dtarted dating? Then she basically became the light of my life and was perfect in my eyes. Kind of hoping that happens with this boy but i dont know.

I really just dont wanna like get his hopes uo and like keep it going that hey i like you and thrn jist kind of throw it all away later? But i also really love this whole like casual awkward flirting and im desparate for cuddles in my life. But it could also just be with anyone and i feel terrible for it.

So yeah what do??

Also thanks for actually reading through this clusterfluff mess of writing. Gosh this actually could be like a fanfic i wrote wow. Idk feel free to leave your thoughts ig. Do you want you want😂🤷‍♀️🙃

[mymindsabouttoexplode]

wow long

my aunt and I have this thing where we vent to eachother about the toxicity of this family and I honestly dont think what were doing is bad because were not insulting anyone or anything we just talk about negative reactions/situations with my siblings, fights in the family, and what my parents did and how it made us feel and the possible connections it could have to how my siblings and i react to things due to being in this environment (my aunt, though affected by it, did start living with my nuclear family when she was nearly an adult already so she wasnt raised in this environment). The toxicity constitutes how my family continuously talks bad about eachother and somehow manages to pretend that they hadnt and they claim they love their family and its hard to tell if they truly mean it or if their brain kind of just tells them they should feel that way? idk how to explain it but its very unintentional...they dont even realize they do it. Irrational behaviors on the plate too bc my mom doesnt handle negative situations well so when she actually does something to handle a bad situation its usually in an unhealthy way and if she isnt doing something she is enabling the bad behavior of others, with my dad being the main target of these actions (she rationalizes his behavior, tells us to ignore it, doesnt confront him because she fears his reactions [he is not abusive he just might not take it well] and much more). He loves and cherishes intensely, but he constantly thinks nobody loves him (despite how often I have expressed my love deeply and how my other siblings have too, which to be honest is infuriating because it feels like he doesnt acknowledge the love WE DO give him ex. he’ll complain like “why'd u do that for ur mom but not for me” on MOTHERS DAY even tho we did something similar for him on Fathers Day... are u really in that much need of constant validation...) and has a history of my grandparents disliking him at the beginning of my parents relationship (to the point they eloped), despite them living with us now and , to be honest, i dont think they care much for him (theres not even hatred, just no feelings for him). This has lead him to have a vicious cycle of constantly needing attention and feeling badly almost instantly when he isnt given it. Along with this hes rather obnoxious and has a terrible sense of humour and is bad at reading social cues. (ex: he says a terrible, rude, joke and none of us find it funny/or tell him that was inappropriate to say. sometimes reactions from my siblings are more intense than they need to be but its because of how we were raised...he often leaves this situation thinking “everybody hates me, i cant even joke around with my kids, i shouldnt say anything at all because it just makes people mad because they hate me” rather than actually take what were saying and reflecting on his behavior. He has very similar reactions when he talks negatively about our grandparents who are honestly doing nothing and we dont reply the way he wants). There is also a constant habit my parents do of keeping secrets, talking behind eachothers backs (in the most toxic way possible, its not for pure venting or wanting support), or constantly thinking that every little action has a deep meaning behind it (ex: my aunt doesnt talk much one morning- this is because she is sleepy from having a late work shift and is rather introverted. My parents think its because shes mad at them and come up with all these reasons as to why she could be and why shes being “terrible” rather than simply asking “hey whats up you dont seem very talkative this morning are you okay?” This later influences how they treat her) We’ve only started talking about it in the recent years and we only do when either I feel she has been wronged (they do treat her differently after talking about her and she is constantly out of the loop of it because they never confront her - another habit, fear of confrontation, that was passed down to my siblings and i- and she is often left confused and bothered) or they have hurt me emotionally.

Recently, I think my aunts been acting more openly, expressing more of her feelings about these behaviors to them or having negative reactions that she normally hid when talking to them when topics such as my dad, who she feels is mean and irrational (he talks bad about my grandparents/her parents and its true his reactions to things are often irrational unfortunately). My mom talked to me about it in the car and was like “hey it seems ur aunt has been reacting negatively when i bring up your dad...” and I know she knows we talk, but not specifically what it contains. I feel it is limited to venting in her mind or she possibly projects that we talk like how she talks about others, with the latter being extremely toxic. I of course dont tell her about what my aunt and i discuss because I’m not sure how she’ll take it. She tells me “your aunt doesnt seem to be one to talk about her emotions (this is true..my aunt prefers to handle her emotions independently and its not because shes trying to not rely on anybody, its just how she prefers to handle them) so if somethings bothering her you should tell me so I can change myself for the better...dont tell her you told me though and I wont react drastically so she knows we’ve talked....i know you guys vent to eachother because your close but...itd mean a lot if u told me when shes upset by something Ive said...also keep this conversation just between us ( I feel like she sometimes thinks I tell my aunt what we talked about...sometimes I do do this so i have no right to get mad. Obviously my mom is observing my reaction at this moment to see if I actually do that [which I just know from experience] and I try to keep my emotions very hidden and just say okay)”. And I honestly...dont know how to handle that. I dont know whether I should actually tell my mom when my aunt is bothered, especially since the whole “dont tell her” thing was tacked onto the end, which feels uncomfortably secretive. Or if I should tell my aunt about this conversation we just had because its bothering me and I usually rely on her for support when I dont know what to do, but IM hesitating because Im not sure of how she’d react to this information, it also never feels good to tell her specifically after Ive been told not to. Or if I should choose to just not tell my mom anything regarding my aunt and not tell my aunt about the conversation, which I feel could present consequences of its own/it might slip because I constantly think about it. Its stressing me out. To the point I feel like dying because my brain is never relaxed and I feel like I cant handle it sometimes. Life really shouldnt be this complicated and it makes so uncomfortable and anxious and I just want to leave.