#and ig the weed just makes everything numb. so its not better but its at least not Worse

[jewpaw]

gonna be real im like At the end of my rope

[thatonesystemig]

Im tired of fighting. I have to fight every single day to get out of the chair i sleep on when i do sleep. I have to fight to stay awake for days just so i wont see horrifying memories and thoughts in my nightmares. Tbh i think if nightmare meds ain’t helping they may classify as night terrors idfk.

I wish I didn’t have to sleep in the chair. Well I don’t have to but I’ve been kicking and punching my fiance in my sleep from the fucking nightmares. Fighting off the people in it when I couldn’t fight them off when it happened.

I hate having did. I hate that it makes me vulnerable around people that will abuse that shit and idk who to fucking trust anymore. I’m even having trouble trusting my fiance and my new family despite them treating me better than anyone else has ever done, being so patient with me and understanding.

I’ve been avoiding staying at home because i cant fucking let anyone see me like this. What if it happens again. What if i switch again and cant control it again and im fucking taken advantage of again.

I trusted them with my whole soul and it still fucking happened and I didn’t even fucking remember everything until way later and i fucking hate myself for it. At least i know the did isn’t just in my head but holy fucking shit.

Its my own damn fault for thinking i could trust anyone to be around me when im that fucked in the head and unable to control myself

I hate living with all these fucking disorders if I wasn’t so fucked up in the head and hadn’t been so weak and vulnerable it wouldn’t have happened.

I can never allow myself be that vulnerable again.

But god im so tired of being strong. I just want to cry around the people that care. I want to open up to them and lean on them and have them shower me in all the love they’ve showered me with when i was going through psychosis. but. Im so afraid. Instead i bitch here.

Besides, leaning on people too much was what made them resent me and see me as this monster.

This is what i get for putting the stress on someone else to fix me when I couldn’t fix myself

Now i have to fix myself.

But at least this whole situation has given me the drive to do so. I’m able to mask better.

But im falling apart in the process. I smoke about a pack a day since i cant smoke weed to numb myself anymore.

I’m getting legally married on Friday if shit happens like it’s supposed to. I’m supposed to be starting college for graphic design this fall. I have a lot to look forward to. But the pain from the trauma makes me constantly wonder what the point in living is if i constantly have to keep my head occupied just so the flashbacks and thoughts don’t set in.

Like what’s the point in living if it’s just constant suffering lmao. Whats the point in living if i cant even be myself around the people i love out of fear anymore. Fear of resentment, getting taken advantage of, being given up on yet him forcing himself to stay with me out of obligation.

Fake it till you make it ig amirite

Someone please tell me it’ll get easier. I know it wont but the lies would comfort me right now because maybe i can convince myself it’s true. Idk.