#and im gonna load my weekends with lots of fun things and socializing and some of my week nights too so as to keep things in balance

[drdemonprince]

i think in the past few weeks i finally overcame the long slow soul curshing burnout i fell into after writing my last two books and breaking up with a partner of over 10 years. lately i have been feeling ENERGIZED and excited by future projects rather than bitter and resentful about needing to do anything, and im more tolerant of stimulation rather than being so extremely stress averse that i cancel anything that requires much energy. my energy is feeding into itself now. perfect time to fuck it all up by writing another book.

[studiobeebo]

Hello! May I request a scenario where Bakugos crush begs him to go on a big ferris with her at night? The ferris wheel gets stuck so theyre up at the top for 2 hours? I need some fluff 😭.

yet another example of my inability to write short scenarios khdksd, i hope you like it friend p.s. i went very extra on the fluff im so s o r r y

“What do you mean, ‘no’!?”

“You’re not that stupid, you know what ‘no’ means.”

“What do you mean by ‘i’m not ‘that’ stupid’?”

Katsuki just smirked and looked off to the side, knowing he’d be in trouble if you saw that mocking look on his face. Unfortunately for him, however, you definitely caught it and you were quick to smack him up the back of the head because of it. You weren’t an idiot, you did know what ‘no’ meant, but you just didn’t understand why he’d be saying no to your request.

After a lot of subtle hint dropping to literally every member in your little group of friends, you convinced Mina, Kirishima, and Kaminari to go to the amusement park with you over the weekend. Oddly enough, after finding out that the others were going, it didn’t really take all that much persuasion to get Bakugou to join you. You thought that having a whole group of ‘morons’ as he called them would deter him from coming, but it seemed that something else was able to beat out his desire to be anti social. Since you really wanted him to join, you didn’t push it and you took his confirmation as a simple lucky happening. Bakugou on the other hand was pretty happy that you decided not to pester him on his reason for agreeing to go because honestly, even he didn’t know the reason.

He’d been having some strange feelings about you recently that he really couldn’t seem to understand, but for reasons unknown, the idea of going out with you to an amusement park was appealing to him, despite the other three also tagging along. When he first started to notice that his eyes would linger on you more than usual or he’d find himself thinking about you late at night when he was left alone with his thoughts, it pissed him off because someone like you shouldn’t have been that big of a distraction. Over the course of a few weeks, however, he noticed that the more time he spent being aggravated over these new habits, the more he got distracted and off track, so he decided to always just push it to the back of his mind and go with the flow of things.

Going with the flow of things was what had led him here, with you, along with a few other idiots idly walking around the park while everyone tried to figure out what they wanted to fit into their day before the park closed. When you suggested the ferris wheel, however, he heavily declined because of one simple fact: each pod on the ferris wheel only seated two people. The idea of you sitting so close to one of the others in a little space like that, especially if you ended up with Kaminari who would, in the least, try to flirt with you, made him sick. Again, he couldn’t explain why, but just the thought of it made his imagination run wild with ridiculous scenarios that bred that oh so familiar yet easily deniable feeling of jealousy bubbling up in his chest. This jealousy, just like those pesky feelings he had been having about you, just frustrated him because he didn’t understand the reasoning behind it, but at the same time, he couldn’t control it. On the other hand, the idea of being the one to go with you freaked him out even more because with how his heart had been racing every time your hand brushed up against his own while you walked next to him, he didn’t think he could handle sitting just a foot or so away from that fucking face of yours that drove him nuts with urges he’d rather not share. Unfortunately for him, however, in a group like this one, his lone “No” stood little chance up against four “Yes’s”.

“I think the ferris wheel sounds awesome!!! We’ll be able to see all the lights and everything!” Mina cheered in response towards your idea, already beginning to lead the way towards said ride while Kirishima and Kaminari were already following suit.

“Looks like you’re gonna get left in the dust, Kacchan.” You teased, knowing he hated being called that name, though you only assumed this because his cheeks always turned a bit pink in what you guessed was anger every time you called him that.

“He’s probably just scared.~ Want us to find something that moves a bit slower for you, Kacch-”

Kaminari wasn’t even able to finish his sentence before receiving a very forceful fist to his head followed by Bakugou storming ahead of everyone else as if to prove he was definitely not scared without saying a word. He could let you get away with calling him names, but if that electric idiot or anyone else thought they could get away with the same shit, they had another thing coming.

Bakugou’s last saving grace was the idea that maybe the line would be painfully long and he could get everyone to see how stupid the whole idea was and move along, but unfortunately it was quite the opposite considering the park was getting close to it’s closing time and this wasn’t really the most popular ride. When he saw Kirishima and Kaminari pile into the first set of seats, and then Mina get in by herself in the second one, Bakugou was quick to grab the door to the pod she was in before giving you a pointed look.

“Ride with her.”

“Why don’t you ride with her.” You huffed back in response, not liking his demanding attitude, and not liking the creeping idea that maybe he just really didn’t want to sit with you. It wasn’t that you had anything against Mina or anything, you just..wanted to spend time with Bakugou alone for a little bit. Well, honestly, you wanted to spend way more than just ‘a little bit’ of alone time with him, but that was your little secret. Originally, your plan for this whole thing was to finally stop being a chicken and ask Bakugou out, after all. Unfortunately, it seemed your chicken days weren’t done with you, so you made it a group event and then ‘convinced’ yourself that this was what you wanted all along, just a night out with friends with your crush thrown in for good measure. As much as you liked him, though, you liked teasing him even more and seeing that shocked look on his face that screamed that he still wasn’t used to people saying no to him never failed to make you happy.

“Wha- Because, I fuckin’ said you shou-”

“Who said I wanted either of you to ride with me?! I want this thing to myself!!”

And with that, Mina slammed the door shut out of Bakugou’s grip and the ride moved, bringing up the next set of seats. Without a second thought you opened the door and made yourself comfortable in one of the seats before turning to give Bakugou, who looked like he still wasn’t all to sure about getting on this thing, a very deadpanned look. You couldn’t be that bad of an option to sit across from, right?

“C’mon Bakugou, I’m not a disease or something. If you seriously don’t want to go then just go hang out somewhere else or something.”

Your words that were laced with disappointment seemed to bring him back to his senses though and he followed your lead soon after, seating himself across from you, but not daring to look you in the eyes.

“I didn’t say you were a disease and I didn’t say I didn’t want to fucking go, idiot.”

“…Well actually, you di-”

“Shut up.”

You let out a small laugh before scooting over as close as you could to the window to your left and letting your eyes wander as the world below you slowly became smaller and smaller. Every once in a while you’d make a comment about how small one of the other rides looked from way up in the sky or some joke about the people looking like ants, but Bakugou was too preoccupied with keeping his thoughts and his emotions in check to muster up anything but quiet grunts in response. Fuck, was it hard to keep himself from staring now, especially when you had that childlike look of wonder that just lit up your entire face like the stars lit up the sky above you. His heart kept aching with a stupid want to have that look directed at him rather than at the world below you, but for now, he was okay with settling on just being able to be with you at a time like this.

“Bakugou you aren’t even looking! It’s not fun if you don’t look around, you know!! You’re missing out on the view!!” You whined like a child begging their mother to be as invested in their cartoons as they were. While you didn’t know where he was looking, you could tell by the few quick glances you took that he wasn’t looking at the tiny rides and tents below or the beautiful sky above. While admittedly your heart was beating a bit faster than usual just from being so close to the man of your affections, you didn’t want to risk even looking in his direction because you knew the look on your face would give away the fact that something was going on with you, so you focused your attention elsewhere. It was kind of sad, really, you’d been yearning to do all these things alone with Bakugou and now that you were alone with him, you could hardly start up a conversation.

“My view’s just fine..” He mumbled out gruffly before finally tearing his eyes away from you and directing them out the window towards whatever it was it seemed like you had been looking at, but before he could make a comment, a strong jolt rocked the entire ride and he had to grab onto one of the railings to steady himself. After that jarring moment, when he instinctively looked up to make sure you were okay, there wasn’t any movement from the ride at all.

“What the hell is this shit.”

“..Maybe they’re stopping to load more people on?”

While your words seemed confident, your eyes were still scanning the area below with concern, but fortunately, or unfortunately, a voice came over the little speaker that was connected to the ceiling of your shared pod.

“We apologize for that folks, but it looks like we’re having a few problems with getting the ride going. However, it should only be a few minutes here before we’re all set so please stay seated and remain calm and patient. Thank you.”

You could practically hear the collective series of groans that rang out from the two of you and just about everyone else on the ride. It was nice that the two of you ended up pretty close to the top, so you had a pretty decent view of just about everything, but ten minutes passed, then half an hour, and after a straight hour of awkward small talk and staring at the same scenes below as you had seen before, that view got old and pretty boring.

“Gah, this is fucking ridiculous!!” Bakugou exclaimed while tugging at his hair in frustration after losing the sixth round of rock-paper-scissors in a row. After a while, the awkwardness of being in such a tight space with you had worn off somewhat, but now that it had been at least an hour and a half, that feeling was starting to creep up on him again and it was starting to make him antsy.

“At least you didn’t get stuck with Kaminari.” You joked, leaning an elbow against the armrest and then resting your chin in the palm of your hand. “You probably would’ve cremated him by now, and then taken down the whole ride with him.”

“Yeah, yeah..” he retorted with an annoyed ‘tch’, not really needing to be reminded about his explosive temper and, without thinking, he actually spoke the first thing that came to mind that was meant to stay there with the rest of his intrusive thoughts about you. “You don’t have to tell me twice that I got lucky ending up with you.”

“….Lucky, huh?”

The sound of your intrigued response finally made him realize what the hell he had just said, his cheeks turning a darker shade of pink after every time he replayed those words over to himself and the sly smile on your face didn’t help all that much either.

“Shut the fuck up, that’s not what I fucking meant!! I just meant that you’re the least fucking annoying out of those three morons! Don’t let that shit go to your head!”

You could tell by how frazzled he appeared and his long winded string of curses and explanations that he was flustered, but you were stuck in your own head repeating what he had said much like he was doing. Despite the tone he had used saying it, that was probably one of the sweetest things he could have said to you in this moment and you were more than willing to take it rather than leave it. Bakugou’s mind, on the other hand, wasn’t as calm and content as yours was. It was as if saying that one little thing opened a floodgate in his mind and he was struggling to not spill everything that was on his mind, and it was even harder to keep himself from doing any of the things he wanted to do. Even though he was clearly embarrassed, seeing that smile linger on your face gave him a bit of hope though, hope that you didn’t just think he was being a total idiot.

“I guess I’m pretty lucky too, I didn’t really think you’d show up to be honest..” You hummed, figuring you’d spill something of your own too.

Bakugou was actually surprised by your little comment and he didn’t even know how to respond. He couldn’t exactly say ‘Well yeah, I’ve got a thing for you so I figured I should tag along’…Bakugou stopped, his eyes wide and his breath caught in his throat for a moment because suddenly, he felt like even more of an idiot than before just for thinking those words. Was that what all of this was?? Did he..like you? There was definitely no way, right? He had bigger things to worry about and he didn’t have time to mess around with things as dumb as crushes..yet here he was, heart racing, cheeks red, and mind filled with every thought or feeling he had ever had about you, confirming that there was no way he could honestly call this anything but a crush.

“I didn’t mean that in an asshole-y way, you just never seem to like the idea of going out with any of us.”

That’s right, he had gotten so caught up in his thoughts that he didn’t even remember to form a response to you. Maybe it was the altitude, or maybe his heart was just fed up with having to deal with him shoving all his feelings down, but for now, after his sudden realization, he didn’t even bother holding back his words as he took a very ‘it’s now or never’ approach to his next words.

“They aren’t the same as you.”

“..What’s that supposed to mean?”

At this point, you actually turned to face him out of curiosity towards his statement. Technically he could just be reiterating the fact that he preferred you over the others for some reason, but something in the way he said it felt different from what he had said before. Weirdly enough, judging by the conflicted look on his face, he seemed just as confused by his own words as you were.

After a moment of awkward silence, he let out a small huff before turning his attention back out the window, so you were guessing that meant he didn’t feel like talking anymore, but to your surprise, he continued.

“Doesn’t matter. I’m just saying next time we should just go out without those other idiots so they’re not in the fucking way.”

You blinked, and then you felt that familiar warmth rise to your cheeks as butterflies erupted in you stomach as if they decided to take on the role of excitement because you were too shocked to do so on your own.

“…L-Like by ourselves?”

When you saw his face turn to one of frustration and you noticed him start to fidget around anxiously, you quickly straightened up and rephrase your question.

“I’m not trying to pull your leg, that was a serious question!”

“Yes by ourselves, do I have to spell it out for you? If I knew you were gonna be this difficult about it, I wouldn’t have fuckin’ bothered…Are we going to go on a fucking date or what?”

It was almost comedic seeing him try to act so upset and grumpy while his face was very generously covered in red, but it was that final question that had really hit home with you and you couldn’t even waste time thinking about teasing him. You had to bite your cheek in an attempt to keep your smile from growing as you looked down to your feet, asking yourself repeatedly in your head if this was just a dream, or if this was actually happening.

“I’m not being difficult, I was just making sure…But sure, I guess I could spare some time for you, Katsuki.”

He opened his mouth to start throwing around more insults in response to your teasing tone, but when he did so, another jolt rocked the ferris wheel and before you knew it, you were moving again as a little ‘thank you for your patience’ message played over the intercom system.

“Ah hey look at that!! It’s about time, don’t you think!?” You exclaimed, pressing your face up against the window just to make sure that you were actually on your way back down.

Despite the long ride and the embarrassment clearly showing on his face, Bakugou couldn’t help but smirk as his eyes landed on you yet again and his heart finally began to settle, satisfied that it’s intentions had finally been released, and though he was happy to finally get out of the cramped space soon, his next words had hardly anything to do with the ride.

“..Yeah, about damn time, huh..”

[eluu-chan]

All of them :3

dude…..SURE

ive missed out the one’s I’ve answered already

200: My crush’s name is: Dia Kurosawa

199: I was born in: 2003

197: My cellphone company is: Virgin Media

196: My eye color is: kinda a blue/green colour

195: My shoe size is: 4

194: My ring size is: uh idk

193: My height is: 5″2

192: I am allergic to: Nuts

191: My 1st car was: N/A

190: My 1st job was: N/A

188: My bed is: beautiful

187: My pet: is adorable I love her

186: My best friend: I dont like choosing a single best friend tho, like I love all of you…

185: My favorite shampoo is:  Tea Tree Head and Shoulders (Mint)

184: Xbox or ps3: I have an Xbox but I really want a ps3/

183: Piggy banks are: cool, I have like 5

182: In my pockets: uh, sweet wrappers, a tissue, and my tablet pen

181: On my calendar: ‘DO NOT FORGET ANIMATION ASSIGNMENT: APRIL 21ST”

180: Marriage is: cool :0

179: Spongebob can: uh

178: My mom: is gr8

177: The last three songs I bought were? I don’t buy songs cuz I’m poor, but the last 3 songs I downloaded were: Jingo Jungle (Sago of Tanya the Evil OP), Snow Halation, and To Be Free by Tonight Alive

175: How many cousins do you have? 7

174: Do you have any siblings? Ye

173: Are your parents divorced? Nope, but they aren’t married either soo

172: Are you taller than your mom? Almost!

171: Do you play an instrument? Nope

[ I Believe In ]

168: Luck: yes good

167: Fate: uhm idk, pretty sure it wasn’t fate for me to fall in a river

164: Heaven: I’d like to think there’s a place where people can party when they die

163: Hell: Satanism is fun so sure

162: God: idk tbh

161: Horoscopes: Sure :)

158: Gay Marriage: LOVE IS LOVE

157: War: WAR IS BAD

156: Orbs: ???

155: Magic: Pls let magic be real

[ This or That ]

153: Drunk or High: i aM 14

152: Phone or Online: Online

151: Red heads or Black haired: BOTH IS BEAUTIFUL

150: Blondes or Brunettes: BOTH IS BEAUTIFUL

149: Hot or cold: Cold

148: Summer or winter: Winter

147: Autumn or Spring: Autumn

146: Chocolate or vanilla: Chocolate

145: Night or Day: Night

144: Oranges or Apples: Oranges!! (But i do prefer apple juice over orange juice)

142: McDonalds or Burger King: McDonalds ofc

141: White Chocolate or Milk Chocolate: Milk chocolate

140: Mac or PC: PC

139: Flip flops or high heels: Flip Flops

138: Ugly and rich OR sweet and poor: ugly and rich because then i can support loads of good charities and feed my weeb addiction

137: Coke or Pepsi: Coke

136: Hillary or Obama: Obama

135: Burried or cremated: Buried

134: Singing or Dancing: bothe are awesome, but probably singing

133: Coach or Chanel: ???

132: Kat McPhee or Taylor Hicks:???

131: Small town or Big city: Small town

130: Wal-Mart or Target: uh, whats the English equivalent?? Asda??? Lidl???

129: Ben Stiller or Adam Sandler: uh idk tbh

128: Manicure or Pedicure: uh I’ve never had either so

127: East Coast or West Coast: again i am English so

126: Your Birthday or Christmas: Christmas!! Birthday means i get older and gain more responsibility

124: Disney or Six Flags: Disney

123: Yankees or Red Sox: ??

[ Here’s What I Think About ]

122: War: BAD

121: George Bush: its temping to make a joke but i’ll resist

120: Gay Marriage: YES GOOD LOVE IS LOVE

119: The presidential election: orange man is bad

118: Abortion: ITS UR BODY YOU DO WHAT YOU WANT

117: MySpace: every 90′s kids emo phase

116: Reality TV: hmm, can be good

115: Parents: some parents are shitty, others are good

114: Back stabbers: pls do not do that to me because i will cry

113: Ebay: i use it to get cheap anime merch yes good

112: Facebook: i would destroy facebook for a single crisp

111: Work: RESPONSIBILITY AAAAA

110: My Neighbors: lol idek who they are

109: Gas Prices: from what I know, they’re pretty bad

108: Designer Clothes: if you can afford them, then yes good

107: College: Better than high school

106: Sports: n o p e

105: My family: eh, alright i guess

[ Last time I ]

103: Hugged someone: TWO WEEKS AGO SOMEONE HUG ME

101: Saw someone I haven’t seen in awhile: today!!

100: Cried in front of someone: 13th March

99: Went to a movie theater: oh boi, probably last year sometime

98: Took a vacation: this time last year

97: Swam in a pool: this time last year

96: Changed a diaper: not since my cousins were little

95: Got my nails done: I’ve never had them done

94: Went to a wedding: when i was 8

93: Broke a bone: I’ve never broken a bone

92: Got a peircing: I don’t have any aaa

91: Broke the law: I don’t think I’ve ever broken the law?

90: Texted: hmm a day ago

[ MISC ]

88: Something I will really miss when I leave home is: my bedroom aaa

87: The last movie I saw: original Ghost in the Shell

85: The thing im not looking forward to: i’d rather not say what it is but It’s tomorrow

84: People call me: weeb. mother, elu, eli

83: The most difficult thing to do is: social interaction

82: I have gotten a speeding ticket: nope

81: My zodiac sign is: Capricorn

80: The first person i talked to today was: my buddy Ilona

79: First time you had a crush: when i saw Rize from Tokyo Ghoul

78: The one person who i can’t hide things from: idk, i hide lots of things from everyone tbh

77: Last time someone said something you were thinking: hmm not long ago

75: What are you going to do when you grow up: be cool

74: I have/will get a job: Yea i need money to live

73: Tomorrow: is gonna be bad

72: Today: was great :0

71: Next Summer: ew heatwaves please no

70: Next Weekend: i will sleep for most of it

68: The worst sound in the world: someone screaming in pain

67: The person that makes me cry the most is: uh, my OTP

66: People that make you happy: ALL MY MUTUALS AND FOLLOWERS

65: Last time I cried: heh, like a few days ago when i was discussing some particularly sad headcanons

63: My computer is: kinda good i suppose

62: My School: is shit

61: My Car: i dont have one (yet)

60: I lose all respect for people who: at extremely homophobic, racist, or sexist

59: The movie I cried at was: i cry at everything

58: Your hair color is: a weird light auburn colour

57: TV shows you watch: a bunch of anime, oo and i watch the download festival coverage each year, and if my mum is watching some drama or soap i’ll probably watch for angst ideas

56: Favorite web site: I’m on it right now

54: The worst pain I was ever in was: umm not sure…

53: How do you like your steak cooked: I don’t like steak aaa

52: My room is: my safe place

51: My favorite celebrity is: this is no secret to anyone who knows me irl, it’s the beautiful Ash Costello

50: Where would you like to be: in bed

49: Do you want children: maybe, adopting would be cool

48: Ever been in love: nope

47: Who’s your best friend: ALL MY MUTUALS

46: More guy friends or girl friends: more girl friends

44: One person that you wish you could see right now: hmm idk, i’m pretty antisocial tho so

43: Do you have a 5 year plan: ha no

42: Have you made a list of things to do before you die: nope

41: Have you pre-named your children: no

40: Last person I got mad at: my sister

39: I would like to move to: anywhere not in a large city

38: I wish I was a professional: Tattooist

[ My Favorites ]

36: Vehicle: i want a motorbike aa

35: President: Obama

34: State visited: I’ve never been to america

33: Cellphone provider: okay but who actually has an opinion on this??

32: Athlete: Simone Biles

31: Actor: Daniel Radcliffe

30: Actress: Helana Bonham Carter

29: Singer: ASH COSTELLO

28: Band: BABYMETAL, All Time Low, Avenged Sevenfold, My Chemical Romance

27: Clothing store: Primark

26: Grocery store: uh idk, Asda i guess

25: TV show: American Horror Story??

24: Movie: the Blair Witch Project

23: Website: I’m on it rn

22: Animal: Chinchillas and Red Pandas

21: Theme park: aa i’m too scared to go on rollercoasters tho so i dont have a fav

20: Holiday: That time we went away for a weeks with literally everyone in my family

19: Sport to watch: Football

18: Sport to play: i guess volleyball is okay

17: Magazine: Kerrang is gud

16: Book: Lord of the Rings

15: Day of the week: saturday

14: Beach: there are like 30 beaches around her how do you expect me to choose

13: Concert attended: AVENGED SEVENFOLD WITH DISTURBED AND IN FLAMES

12: Thing to cook: curry aaa

10: Restaurant: hmm maybe Frankie and Bennies

9: Radio station: Kerrang ofc

8: Yankee candle scent: COTTON

7: Perfume: pure poison

4: Talk show host: Ellen DeGeneres

3: Comedian: hmm not sure tbh

okay I’m actually physically dead now

[itsdneo]

Today's episode of *name loading*

Session: In my thoughts

Vusi's confidence is unmatched. The man literally says something wrong without flinching. Because I've upgraded from being a fan to an air conditioner, I say it's his confidence thats at work. He's not intentionally trying to mislead the masses, although some would say he is claiming to know it all. I honestly see it as his confidence oozing out of him. Also the mistakes I've picked up when listen to him are minor, but if you didn't know otherwise or you don't like researching like I do, you would have never picked them up. Also it doesn't take away from the message.

I don't do motivational speakers, at all. Why I'm addicted to Vusi? He doesn't motivate you, well he does, but he doest, yes I know what I just wrote. On the real though, Vusi just opens your mind to other opportunities, he makes you see life, businesses opportunities in a different angle. But I guess we all have a favourite we can vouch for and swear by his methods. People have questioned his knowledge and talks about running a successfull business yet have never run a successful business of his own, cotrary to what he claims. Politics.. In one of his interviews he once said there's a reason a business professor doesn't have a multi million business , regardless of all the knowledge he has about business. Perhaps it's the same with him, if the claims are true anyways. His business is to change the mindset of those who have the power to build an empire, same reason you go to do a MBA to a prof who has never run a business in his life..

I'm reading Mark Manson's work, The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck. This book resonates soo much to my life decisons and my way of living. I've been ridiculed or thought to be crazy over how I choose to live my life. I haven't mastered the art, but I sure am on that path. I do things the way I want to, when I want. I honestly do not give a fuck about things I've decided are not worthy of giving a fuck about. This is exactly what Mark was saying in the book. I'm on chapter 2,its gonna be a fun ride this...

I question things, a lot. You say 'A' I'm definitely asking or wondering why not '1'. I do listen and learn though, just don't take anything on face value I guess.

One of the things he said was "Afterall no truly happy person feels the need to stand in front of a mirror and reside that she's happy, she just is." hehee hehee I instantly agreed with this, then I remembered the Christians devotions and motivational quotes, I can already hear the uproar on how much those who live by them would disagree.. But again like anything on socials, we tend to take things out of context. This quote alone does not say half the meaning behind Mark's message. Not to say you should fully agree with him, or that I do.

On this particular quote, knowing the context, I agree and disagree, like everything in life, we need to learn balance. Affirmations are not bad, but there's a thin line between them and dreams. You dream to be rich therfore you say everyday I'm a rich, beautifu, great etc power of manifestation they call it. Which is totally good, but balance. Which goes back to Mark's point on the Fixation we have on the positives. To always aspire for more to be better, to get more. Mostly because of worldly standards, damn insta. But what makes you happy, when are you at peace with you, when are you patting yourself on the back, when are you not always wanting more. I quote " This Fixation on the positives, on what's better, what's superior only serve to remind us over and over again of what we are not, what we lack, what we should have  been but failed to be." Again, there's a thin line between being content and lacking motivation and drive. A very thin line...

I moved to a new city and told myself I ain't making friends in the area Im at cause I was running away from the situations I had in my previous city. It was a small city with a small expat circle. Apparently every second person in this planet earth is a socialite, fuck me. So they felt the need to always be together and meet and all that shebang. That's not me. Never has. Can bodly say never will be. There was a point where declining their invitation felt like an insult. But how is that a bad thing if I'm doing me, what I want, what I like, which is not going out. Again, the subtle art of not giving a fuck is journey, you don't always get it right. I did give a fuck because I succumbed. Not often, but those few times I did, it wasn't cause I wanted to, but guess what? I gave a fuck.

When I changed city I made a conscious decision, I ain't meeting no expat less than 30km from me. And that's exactly what I did, for a good 6 months, I was travelling out of my city every second weekend to meet up with friends. The hapiness and peace I had, unmatched. If I didn't feel like traveling or letting them come to me id just say, and ofcourse noone will just show up on your doorsteps or call for a night out without letting me know in advance and giving me the full power to agree or not. 6 months later, I'm like OK ok it's been long over due, been chatting with these okes, let me meet the expat community here. Rolls eyes,literally one outing later, I'm asked daily what am I doing?let's do something. Rolls eyes continously...

The subtle art of not giving a fuck..

[bataddictedloony]

Last vent post, i swear

It’s not a question when i started feeling depressed and anxious again, i know exactly when i started to feel like this again

(It escalated, im crying, hence why im vent posting)

As usual, it’s probably a pile-up of emotions and shitty situations, making me feel like this, specifically lonliness, failure and boredom. 

The shitty feelings started last friday, at 9 in the evening sharp. I had asked help for a school project and 2 ballerina students and their teacher helped me a lot. So, obviously after i got really good grades on the project they helped with, i wanted to show the video to them personally and give them something as a thank you. So i went out and got them gift cards and i asked them when they had class next where i could show the thing. They didnt give me a time and i didnt ask one cus i was certain i remembered it right from the last time i went to one of their classes on friday. I remembered class started at 8 and ended at 10, so i decided to go at 9, during their break and if i got the time wrong then I’ll be seeing them just as class ends, so i tell myself to leave early.

But i lost 10 minutes because town was closed off because of some market thingy that happens once every year, whatever. No way they’ll all leave at 9 exactly, plus they’ll maybe stay in case i was late, i dunno.

I get there, the lights are off. Nobody is there. I go to the reception desk and ask if the ballet teacher is still in the building. He tells me no, she literally just left. I should’ve asked if there will be another class next week and at WHAT TIME so i can give them their stuff but I didn’t because i felt like i was about to cry. Cus of course, piece of shit worthless lenny can’t get the fucking time right again and misses the people he wants to thank. And i get home and i KNOW i should just text the teacher and explain everything, or message them on facebook, anything! But I can’t cus i feel like crying and my throat is closing up and I’m so so scared that they’re angry with me cus here i am. Film student asking others to waste their time on a school assignment and can’t even show up to an appointment. And i tell myself for a week now that there’s no way they’ll be that pissed that they’re not willing to reschedule but it just doesn’t work, i still close up and shake and my chest hurts and i think “‘I’ll do it later when i feel better” and it just doesnt happen. And we’re a week later now and i still haven’t messaged them yet.

The plan now is to just leave the gifts and the book i borrowed with the reception desk with a letter or something saying i barely missed them the week before and don’t have time this week to stop by but that I’d post the video on fb and.... yeah. And ask the guy to just deliver it to the teacher please.

And other than that, i had loads of plans for stuff i wanna do this summer. Oh right. Last friday i asked the reception desk about musical classes cus it’s in the same school. And he told me it’s a supplementary class. You can’t just follow only musical classes, you have to be a third year music student. Meaning you’ve been playing an instrument and following music classes for 2 years. So that’s a goddamn bust. There is another school-group thing that does musical 2 hours a week, it’s a little out of the way but on their website it says if you’re interested, to send them a mail and they’ll send a brochure. So i wanna do that and it just doesn’t work. Again. I cannot get myself to write a good email, nothing i type feels good, I’m scared ill7come over as unprofessional or a dunce and that if i do end up taking those classes, it will reflect on the way they’ll treat me and hhhhhhhhhh i- I can’t deal with the idea alone. I’ve always been terrible at making friends, the idea that they’ll dislike me from the start gives me goddamn warflashbacks to when i was 12 and it makes me feel pressured to write a perfect stupid email. 

I don’t want to have social an iety anymore, it genuinely has a terrible impact on my life and it’s super dumb and avoidable but my brain is wired to not. Let. It.

There’s a con this weekend and i really really really do not wanna go. I have a fantastic instinct on these things, when i feel something is gonna go wrong, usually it does. Public transport is going on strike meaning traffic and getting there in general will suck. The wheather is gonna be unbearable. And I’m just not feeling the con vibe, I’m tired of the convine, I don’t see the fun in it anymore. The only reason I’m going is because i NEED to socialise, and this is currently the only way i get to see some people.

I’m afraid to tell my friends that i just don’t wanna go, i want to stay home. I’m scared they’ll take it personally, that they’re in a way forcing me to go and that i blame them for feeling like this. I don’t, of course, but I’m scared that’s what they’ll think. Again, dumb. But it makes my chest hurt and breathing hard. 

I bought new art supplies and used them once. I don’t know why, I’m inspired, i have the tools, i have more than time, i just lack motivation. I wanna enter competitions at other cons, i got ideas, the tools and more than enough time, but i keep thinking ‘wtf is the point. Last year they disqualified me for 5 frames, who the fuck cares if i enter or not’. 

The only thing I’m doing is learning to play the tin whistle, which I’m so far not terrible at. But I’m again wondering why I’m doing it. I keep reacher for my whistle because I’m bired and need to do something with my hands but, what am i doing it for? Who am i doing it for? I keep disappointing others and myself anyway, the situation will become shitty SOMEHOW because that’s how the universe decided to play it. Trump is president, children are starving, 2+2=4 and everything will make it so that lenny is lonely and stays lonely. I’m not important, the universe has other shit to do but i genuinely feel like some transcendant power is making it their hobby to see me fail for some fucked up reason. 

[poorlywrittenpoems]

you asked me to explain why i am this way. well actually, you didn’t. but i need to pretend someone cared to asked. so i’m writing it like you wanted an explanation. now i’ll start off by saying, there are things i will probably not be able to share, or write down, or let out to another soul in anyway. but i’ll go as deep as i can. also, this will obviously focus on the negatives, there were also many positives but i  didn’t write about them cause that isn’t what this is about. so what causes this dreary cloud of hopelessness to reign over me? its a bit like a chain reaction, like something you could diagram.

people fucking me over and leading to lack of faith in humanity > shutting out everyone > using substances to cope > even more fucked up mental state > more substance > even more lack of trust situations > bad choices > just straight fucked

so there is the ‘synopsis’ as you’d have me say. but now i’ll go into depth. 

i grew up with such a beautiful fortunate upbringing - family, a home, friends, education, food, travel. so many things many don’t get blessed with. this part of my life often makes me feel guilty that i don’t appreciate it enough. the thing is i do, i just struggle, with my current mental state, to see past the negative. elementary was a blast and 6th grade was a flop but all in all bearable. 

7th grade i got a boyfriend and was super happy. during that time i also realized guys started to see me more as something more, sexual.. then 8th grade that boyfriend, who had been overall very good, did some weird things when he thought i was sleeping. which is indeed very fucked. he also messed me up emotionally by flirting with other girls quite drastically while we were together. also he belittled me, made me feel less valuable , told me i was ‘too weird’, told me how to dress, how to act. all around it was awful.we broke up. i ended up forgiving him for his actions im not sure why. i got a new boyfriend a couple month later and it was all sexual, anything he could get he would take. he was my firsts in a lot (not actual sex thankfully) but most everything else. he convinced me nudes were normal as well. it turns out, the whole time he had been taking parts of me and my trust, he had been asking countless other girls for all sorts of things, including people i trusted who had done it or not told me he was doing these things. that’s when i started realizing that nobody is really there for me to the full extent of telling me these things were going on. but one girl who ended up telling me - she also got sent away by her parents and i haven’t seen her since. only about two months later, i went with my friend to hang out with some guys she knew. “it will be fun” she had told me. it turned out her and some guy went off to do god knows what and i was stuck with 3 boys i didn’t know. they ended up groping me and one of them even went with his hands down my pants. he also tried to push me down on my knees. when i told her i wanted to leave when she came back she told me she wanted to hang out with them longer no matter how many times i said it. 

that was the moment i realized how truly and completely alone and trustless i was. i shut off. i told a few people and they gave me a pat on the back and some sympathy, but nobody saw the extent of how this incident, as well as the past two,  had broken me. i vowed to never trust again and for a while i flinched every time someone touched me. even the simplest most joking slap on the bum from even a family member made me so deeply uncomfortable. everything felt wrong even when it shouldn’t have. i didn’t tell my family any of this had happened though.

then i started to drink a little, i liked it a lot, it helped me forget. that was a feeling i needed at the time. but it never became a huge problem. it was the summer that soon came which really led me into that world. constantly drunk or high, partying was my new favorite thing. my mind was able to unwind and forget. then i met another guy and decided to give one last gleam of hope to him. he was kind - he didn’t know how fragile i was at the time so i don’t blame him for anything. he never tried anything which i appreciate. but yes he did end up leaving and i decided i was done. the drinking and smoking got worse. my depression was getting worse and worse as each day passed. 

9th grade started and nothing changed. school weeks zoomed by with tear-filled nights, weekends were spent drinking and forgetting, and repeat. life followed this cycle all year and i didn’t really mind. i was alone and sad but at least the only person hurting me was myself. the summer came and things got bad again. i’d lost many friends but kept the ones who mattered, many were weirded out by my new lifestyle. i spent my summer with these friends - still getting fucked up in multiple ways, but a new way arose: pills. xanax. we started taking those and loved it. my friends were also going through some family issues and i was often their resort for help, so i was usually the one helping, never getting my own help. we also tried adderall but at the time i was not a fan. at the time. just you wait. during the summer we continued this cycle and i was starting to realize how heavily we relied on substances for fun. as well, i had a few more instances with boys. a boy i really trusted took some advantage of me when i’d drank to much but again, not sex thankfully. it broke my heart but i had grown more numb to it. many other people touched me uncomfortably during the summer, but a touch was nothing compared to past events so i downplayed how messed up it was.

i went to europe that summer, and even there i was drunk almost every night. i had a lot of fun there but also remember one night of breaking down completely. i hadn’t remembered the last time i felt loved by someone who wasn’t forced into it like my parents. during the last few weeks of summer i reconnected with some people and made some new friends. 

when 10th grade started, about a week or two in, i rediscovered adderall, which became my wonder drug, i started taking it every day because it gave me everything i was lacking - confidence, happiness, energy, social skills, and a perk was it made me lose weight. i loved it beyond words, i couldn’t imagine a day without it. day after day, pill after pill and everything started feeling better again. i didn’t feel the desire to die or anything anymore. it also helped me with the masses of school work and helping me finish them and pay attention in class. everything about it was perfect. three months passed of me using it everyday. until something in me realized i needed to stop. the day i tried to see if i could even go a day without it was awful - a migraine of unimaginable pain, no focus, my mind was even more cloudy (a feeling i have had constantly for months and could write its own story about), i was at the verge of falling asleep standing up, and everything felt so grim. i kept taking it for about two more weeks and then reconvinced myself i needed to stop. i did. i’m still going through withdrawals as i write this - sickness, pain, depression, cloudiness, and most of all - a life with no purpose anymore. i need to find a new one. i met a boy at the beginning of the adderall days, he doesn’t judge me or anything. he accepts me. he’s nice and funny. he’s got a bucket load of flaws though, but so do i. he’s the first person i’ve given trust of my body to in two years. i’m not gonna get my hopes up though, never ends well. i’m dealing with withdrawal and confusion and depression. i have a lack of self direction and motiviation. i don’t feel safe 99% of the time. i feel like all any man ever wants is something sexual. it sucks. its hard. i think about wanting to die. but i’ve made it this far. so why stop now? i’ll try. i will.

so there you have is sir. i hope it wasn’t too much - i know you weren’t expecting this. thank you for offering to listen.

pwp