#and im hoping that it has infected at least ONE of you. PLEASE. im BEGGING.

[lucabyte]

✨

[whumpzone]

Tomas and Rowe - Part 10

thank you all for your patience. these updates will probably because fortnightly rather than weekly since im swamped with uni work now, but i still love my boys dearly and i love YOU all for reading!

Masterpost

taglist: @sola-whumping @just-another-whumper @misspelledwitch @looptheloup @briars7 @black-polarf @zipadeedooda-drabbles @just-a-whumping-racoon-with-wifi @rosesareviolentlyread @thingsthatgo-whump-inthenight @jazz-0307 @kestrelsparverius @whumpsy-daisies @whumpersworld @memoriesneverforget @sky-or-something-idfk @ghostcomit @cupcakes-and-pain @frankieswhump @ihaventwritteninsolong @mybrokenlittletoy @kiretto-laorentze @morelikepainsley (please ask to be added or removed!

CW: pet whumpee, hospitals, dehumanisation, burning

-

It would have been a great mercy for Rowe to drift slowly awake, pulled towards lucidity by his aching legs. Instead, in an instant he was wide awake and screaming as unfamiliar hands touched and gripped and pulled. Rowe weakly pushed them away before he realised what was going on. How could I- I was trained to never resist. How can this happen? What is wrong with me?

‘’See how far non-compliance gets you,’’ came a voice. Rowe squinted against the light to see two people in elbow-length gloves, with masks and cold eyes looking back at him. One of them- the taller of the two- reached to either side of him to click open what looked like handcuffs. ‘’In. If you don’t make a fuss I won’t clip your legs. You wouldn’t want that with the state they’re in, would you?’’

Rowe shook his head desperately. He could barely listen through the terrible pain, but he was programmed to understand commands, and had learned to understand threats. The tall one gave a little grunt and spread Rowe’s arms wide, locking them in place on either side of the thin mattress he was laying on. Rowe vaguely considered that Master Tomas had given him an especially nice mattress at home.

His bed at home. His room. The nice carpet soaked with his blood while he lay there, helpless, Kasia swinging the hammer down again and again, and Rowe able to feel his hatred with every impact. Master had found him, Rowe remembered. He had taken him here. Was he being put down?

He felt something trickling down his temples. Tears. When did I start crying?

He shook his head, trying to push all these questions out of his head. Pets don’t cry. I don’t cry- I shouldn’t cry. I’m just a thing that feels pain and serves. I can lie here and take this. Master left me here; this is what he wants.

‘’Right…’’ The tall one said. Rowe blinked quickly and saw her inspecting his wounds. ‘‘When did you get these?’’

‘’Th-this afternoon, I-‘’

Rowe’s voice died away when he saw the look she was giving the short doctor, who bent to grab something from the compartment strapped to the end of the bedframe.

‘’Oh dear. I don’t remember you having permission to speak. Muzzle, if you please, Dr Clerval.’’

The shorter doctor- Clerval- handed it to her and Rowe went limp reflexively. This muzzle looked sharp, and cruel, and as the taller doctor fastened it to Rowe’s face he felt it cut into the skin around his ears and the corners of his mouth. The bit was cold, keeping his tongue pinned down.  

‘’Now,’’ she said, ‘’you’re going to be a good Pet, aren’t you? We’re doing you a kindness, after all.’’

Rowe nodded, lowering his eyes. The tall doctor smiled, and Rowe saw her push some sort of sharp instrument into him, and then he started screaming.

-

The woman who had summoned Tomas introduced herself as Gwen. Her Mary Janes echoed through the corridor as they spoke.

‘’Can I see him?’’

‘’Your Pet? I’m sorry, sir, he won’t be out for a while.’’

‘’Then… what did you want me for?’’

‘’We actually had a few issues with your paperwork and just need a few signatures off you, if you don’t mind. Right in here, please.’’

They entered a warm office and Gwen gestured for Tomas to sit in a plush, deep buttoned chair.  

‘’Okay. I have here your Pet’s file, but it seems you’re not the official owner.’’

‘’Huh?’’

‘’When you received your Pet, did you sign any paperwork?’’

‘’No… I didn’t.’’

‘’Well, your P-‘’

‘’His name is Rowe. Sorry- for interrupting, but he has a name. If that’s easier.’’

Gwen gave him the gentle smile of a vet explaining to a child why their sweet pet had to be put down. ‘’Of course, Mr Grz- may I call you Tomas? Great. Currently Rowe is listed as unclaimed, under the legal ownership of a Pet rehoming organisation. Is this where you got him from?’’

‘’Yeah. I have a friend who works there.’’

‘’I see. Well your friend has forgotten to give you the appropriate paperwork. What this means is that Rowe is not officially your property yet- you can’t take people to court if they damage or steal him.’’

‘’Right. Shit. How do I get this paperwork?’’

‘’I have it here, since you need to be the legal owner to submit him for medical treatment. This will establish that you are Rowe’s acting owner, but you need to get your friend to sign too, okay?’’

Gwen handed Tomas a single sheet of paper and a pen. So simple, Tomas thought. One bit of A4 for the right to Rowe’s life.

‘’Thank you,’’ he said as he signed, printing his name below it in his delicate script. 

‘’Great,’’ beamed Gwen. ‘’And now we can discuss your payment.’’

‘’Payment? Isn��t this… isn’t this on the NHS?’’

‘’No,’’ she said patiently, ‘’just as animals aren’t covered, neither are Pets.’’

Tomas’s goodwill towards Gwen was dissipating quickly. He would pay, of course. But for Rowe- his Rowe- to be considered closer to an animal than a human made him stiffen. Gwen seemed to notice this and pressed on.

‘’Oh, but don’t worry, it’s not going to be expensive. Pet treatment is far simpler than treating a human.’’

Gwen didn’t elaborate, and Tomas didn’t enquire, if only to preserve his own sanity. The floor, he noticed, was the same shade of cream as Rowe’s room. He looked away quickly. He could still smell the blood- could still hear the way Rowe had screamed and moaned when he lifted him up. Tomas didn’t even know how conscious he had been then. Did he think Tomas was hurting him more on purpose? Would he think Tomas was angry? Probably. Tomas would have to be very, very patient when Rowe was discharged and started begging for forgiveness for wasting his Master’s time.

-

The muzzle only hurt when Rowe shifted, now. It had sunk into his flesh and stayed there, and Rowe could ignore the pain up until a movement made it flare. In a way, he was happy that he couldn’t speak- he always made things worse by speaking, and although he did his best to make Master Tomas happy, he sometimes wished he would be granted a muzzle and the safety of silence.

He had stopped screaming, mostly. The bit had sliced his tongue so badly he wondered if he would even be able to speak once it was taken off. As Dr Clerval and the other doctor, whose name was Easton, dug into his calves, he just moaned and spasmed involuntarily. His chest, still brightly lined with Kasia’s cuts, strained and lifted with every new jolt of pain.

The pain was awful- acute pain- different to the wide, messy whacks of the hammer. Rowe could feel every stab of the instrument, a million precise cuts, sinking into his skin and then leaving just as quickly. He hoped he wouldn’t throw up. He tried to focus on the fact that he wasn’t being put down, at least.

He had never been to hospital before. When his old master had whipped him, or poured boiling water on him, or beaten him unconscious, he had always had the night to recover and then it was back to work. If he couldn’t do that, he was given the morning off and forced to sleep outside for the next week as penance. He was always so grateful when old master allowed him that.

Anaesthetic wasn’t wasted on Pets, Rowe knew that. Master Tomas knew that too, undoubtedly. Don’t worry sir, no need to punish your Pet yourself. After all, you’ve already wasted enough time on it. We’ll make sure it suffers so it knows not to bother you again.

More stabbings in his legs. It felt like he was being stitched up. That made sense, at least. Rowe’s old master was kind, far kinder than Rowe deserved, and would always tell him why he was being hurt. He felt the same amount of comfort here. He was being hurt for a reason. Kasia’s beating had been made all the more unbearable because he hadn’t cited any insolence, any misstep. He had barely said anything at all.

On either side of him were dark green curtains, but beyond them he could hear screams, and wails. He wondered how many injured Pets were in here with him, just out of sight. He had never met another Pet before.

Another jolt of pain brought him back to the present. Dr Easton was looming over him with a- a- Rowe’s head went dizzy with fear. Dr Easton had a thick metal rod in one gloved hand, and the end was white-hot and smouldering. She held it near Rowe’s face and he pulled away as far as he could against his restraints, the whites of his eyes glinting in the sterile light. He could tell that underneath her mask was a wicked smile.

‘’We’ve got one or two pesky wounds that might get infected. But we’ll see to that. Do you know what cauterisation is?’’

Rowe nodded, and this seemed to be the right answer, because the rod was taken away from his face. Before he could relax, though, Easton pressed the burning end into Rowe’s calf.

His eyes rolled into his head as he bucked and thrashed, his screams mixed with desperate, anguished sobs. His thoughts were running wild with helpless pleas- not this not this not this, I’ll do anything to make the pain stop, please Master I’m so sorry, please I’ll do anything, just not this, not this.

It didn’t calm down when the rod lifted from his leg, after the longest few seconds of Rowe’s life. No sooner had he even registered the change was the pain was transferred to another wound, further up the same leg. He felt like a wild animal, screaming in a way he had never screamed before, guttural and horribly altered due to the muzzle. Rowe didn’t even recognise the sounds. The pain was worse, so much worse than the boiling water or the whip, he couldn’t even form coherent thoughts anymore, he couldn’t see, everything he knew in that moment was pure, awful pain.

Eventually, the cauterisation was done. Rowe felt exhausted, and more than anything, he felt scared. He missed Master Tomas so, so badly. As he drifted in and out of consciousness, he dreamed of being back in Master’s living room. His legs worked, and he wasn’t damaged goods. He was pretty. He was a good Pet and Master ruffled his hair. Good boy.

Master never said that to him. He told him he was good, but no more. He had ruffled Rowe’s hair, and hugged him once when he was drunk, but he never ordered Rowe to kneel at his feet and let himself be pet. For all that he was terrified of his old master, Rowe cherished the days where he was good and allowed to lay his head on old master’s thigh and feel his rough hands card through his hair.

Rowe knew it was still early- he hadn’t been Master Tomas’s property for even a fortnight yet- but he couldn’t help wondering sometimes what he was doing wrong. He fucked up so much, but Master never got mad, and told him he was good, but never went further than that.

But right now, in the space between awake and asleep, Rowe indulged in his most gentle fantasy. He felt Master stroke his hair, a million miles away from the blood-stained mattress and his calves wrinkled with stitches like seaweed on the ocean floor.  

[let-me-write-shit]

Hey Shannon. You haven't posted in a while so i just wanted to make sure you were ok or see if you needed to vent. im sure most of your followers would agree that we miss you and hope all is well. feel free to reach out or vent. We've got your back. xxxxxxkisses

Hi, anon! Thanks so much for this message. Honestly, it means a lot. Sorry I’ve been absent. I’ve been on here a few times over the last month and have seen a few messages, I just haven’t been up to responding, but this message just struck me for some reason. 

I hesitate to explain what’s been going on, because I honestly don’t want sympathy or to seem like I’m sadfishing. So please please please do not message me with “Oh my god im so sorry.” or “words of encouragement”, because *gag*, honestly, but I do feel like I owe an explanation and feel like venting a little, because a LOT has happened in such a short amount of time. So, I’ll bullet point. -At first, we’ve been on eggshells bc my husband has to travel (pretty locally. Within an hour radius) to multiple different locations for work, and most of them had whole entire buildings infected with Covid. So the kids and I have been “quaranteening” away from him for a few weeks now, and that’s been tough. -My parents are on the verge of a divorce (which, honestly, idc about that. I’m 26 years old and have been begging them to divorce since jr. high. But dealing with the emotional issues I have with coming to terms with the fact that I have never and will never really have a relationship with my dad -or at least the relationship that I want and deserve- has been taxing and I’m really trying hard to make sure my husband and I raise our children to feel the way my mom always made me and my sister feel growing up; loved and important. We want them growing up knowing and seeing that they have two parents that deeply want and care for them.)

-THEN, my Grandmother passed away the day before Thanksgiving (her favorite holiday). We’ve been expecting it, but it seemed to come so suddenly. She was my father’s mother, so I didn’t feel like I knew her much because, again, I wasn’t very close to my dad. He never told me stories, didn’t include me in much, didn’t invite me around much as I got older. So her passing made me feel super guilty for not being absolutely shattered like some of my cousins, and again, had to come to terms with the fact that I have never and will never have a close relationship with extended family like I always hoped I could.

-Then, my sister is in the process of moving for the first time and has asked me to help her with design and decoration (I’ve become the go-to designer of the family.) So I’ve been helping her find furniture and decor. Pick out paint colors, etc. The ONE thing I’ve actually been enjoying.

-Then, just this past week, my mom’s uncle tested positive for covid. In a matter of three days, he was admitted to hospital, sent to ICU, suffered from breathing complications and heart troubles due to covid, had to be resuscitated, but never gained consciousness, was put on life support, and today he was taken off. He passed. This one hit harder for me, and especially my mom. I’ve never met him but was told so many storied about him since I was little that I feel like I knew him. My mom was very close to him and she’s a wreck. 

-Then my phone got destroyed today, so I have to get a new one and that’s another expense I didn’t want to deal with as we’re trying to save for a house.

Suffice to say, I’m OVERRRRR 2020.  That being said, I see all of your requests, and I apologize I’m taking so long, and I apologize in advance for how long it might take. I have no clue when the stories will be up. I PROMISE they will be up eventually. I’m not leaving, I’m just taking some time. I briefly scroll through here once a day to see what’s going on, so don’t think I’m ignoring you, please. Bare with me.

Again, please don’t feel the need to send sympathy messages. HOWEVER, a quick ‘Hey, bitch, love ya!’ or ‘Love your stories’ is much appreciated.  Thanks for the message, anon, and thanks for letting me vent! <3 Love ya! Stay safe and please wear your masks! 

[flyingiseasy-landingnotsomuch]

A 17 day report from a 31-Year Old CV19 recovering patient!  Copied from a GA EMS page.

I copied this from a Ga EMS site. It is pretty telling about our current challenge. This Covid19 seems to be much worse than the flu. At least it was for this RN.

Albany is just an hour away. This is the experience of a healthy 31 year old. Please, please, please -- STAY HOME!!

*******Albany,GA 31 yo healthy nurse who has lived thru personally being infected with Coronavirus and hopefully out of the dark****** #stayhome

COVID19 is not like the flu...at all... How do I know? Because I’ve lived through it to tell the tale!

Memoirs of a 31 y.o. male with no underlying health conditions.

March 3, 2020-Bronchitis like illness started, dry cough, no fever

March 5, 2020-Low grade fever starts, still thinking bronchitis

March 6, 2020-Fever climbs from 99.8 to 102.6 in one hour, thought it was flu and was now outside the Tamiflu window, stayed home for symptom management.

March 9, 2020-Fever of >102 continues, this isn’t flu, go to urgent care, diagnosed with pneumonia, started on Levaquin.

March 11, 2020-3 doses of Levaquin in, no improvement in symptoms, go to ER. Admitted, swabbed for COVID19, IV antibiotics got pneumonia on chest CT.

March 12, 2020-Get to a room and placed on supplemental oxygen via nasal cannula, 1 liter per minute (lpm). I’m only able to achieve 500 on my incentive spirometer, for perspective-my healthy lungs could hit 4000.

March 13, 2020-O2 saturation begins to decline, oxygen increased to 2 lpm, then 3 lpm, then 5 lpm. Oxygen saturation 88% on 5 lpm. The decision is made to use high flow (vapotherm) and move to ICU. Placed on 40 lpm and 60% oxygen. I’m terrified at this point because vapotherm is all that is standing between me and the ventilator. This is the moment I would have died at home had I not come to the hospital when I did. I would have respiratory arrested in my bed.

March 14, 2020-I have a bad coughing spell, my oxygen saturation drops to the 80’s. I’m still on 40 lpm and 60%. I’m trying to gasp for air, but because of the condition of my lungs, can only take small breaths without coughing more. I feel as though I’m about to die, my heart is racing, oxygen still low, and I’m sweating profusely. Im in respiratory distress! I pressed my call light trying to get the attention of anyone who can help. My nurse was in another room tending to another sick patient. Fortunately he sees me and comes to my room. I am now on 40 lpm and 100% oxygen, next step is the ventilator. I’m terrified. My breathing slows as my oxygen saturation slowly returns to the 90’s. I’m weaned back down to 60%. The same thing happens again in the night, and again I thought I was about to leave this world. Again I’m on 100%, this time for several hours. I’m slowly weaned again to 60%.

March 15, 2020-My morning arterial blood gas (which hurts like a 🤬) is normal. I get weaned to 50%.

March 16, 2020-My oxygen saturation is 97%, I’m weaned further to 30 lpm and 40%.

March 17, 2020-I’ve been in ICU 4 days, forced to use a bedpan because my oxygen saturation drops if I turn or even move too much. I am unable to clean myself; I’m feeling completely helpless and so embarrassed, but my nurses were great and very understanding. I now truly understand my patients’ feelings from all these years of nursing. I’m weaned to 25 lpm and 30%. I’m going to the medical floor.

March 18, 2020-I’m weaned to 28%. I can achieve 1500 on my incentive spirometer finally. I’m hopeful to be weaned to a regular nasal cannula. The provider comes in. I’ve been waiting for my swab results. I tested positive for COVID19...6.5 days of waiting for the outside lab to process the lab. I’m relieved because I finally have a diagnosis, a reason I’ve been so sick. I’m weaned to 4 lpm on a regular nasal cannula, 4 hours later I’m weaned to 2 lpm. 4 hours later I’m weaned to room air. My oxygen saturation stats 93% and above all night.

March 19, 2020-As I write this, I’m waiting to attempt a 6 minute walk test to see if my oxygen stays up, so I can go home. I’ve had no visitors this entire time due to my isolation precautions.

Guys, this is why social isolation is a thing. As a 31 y.o., I wasn’t supposed to get sick. I wasn’t supposed to be admitted to the hospital or the ICU for that matter. We’ve already had several deaths from COVID19 in this area. I thank God I wasn’t one of them! However, many won’t be as fortunate as I have been. Many will die, especially those with any lung or heart problems. So please, I beg you to #stayhome

[swearronchanel]

9.03

thoughts ofc, better late than never right?

I’ve had technical difficulties all damn day but whatever, here we go

phyllis rolling up in her car as always

I love when Phyllis’ storylines involve kids tbh

In my head I think that she got pregnant on her fun weekend with the solider during wwii & she ended up giving the baby away. Idk why I just believe it. Imagine if CTM would do flashbacks? I’d want to see it

Aw these boys are cute

“Nurse Franklin, just the person I want to see” I LOVE TO HEAR IT

SHRIXIE FANS UNITE

“I do love surprises” Sister Mj is so pure

I need to know Sister Hilda’s past lol idk I feel like she’s got a good story maybe a past lover like sister J

Infected stitches yikes

Vi checking her file we love a professional lol

“Idear” whew the Scottish jumped out huh Shelagh!

Must be so hard to be Trixie, being the most stylish/baddest bitch in town is a burden she carries LMAO 💁🏼‍♀️

What a LOOK Trixie, swinging 60s baby ~ Austin Powers Chic😂

Sister Frances into fashion huh? I need more info on her too bc she became a nun at 17!! Like she skipped being a dancing queen and went straight to praying!

Sister Mj and Cyril watching sports 😂😭

Ah skip class Cyril lol I do it all the time (i used to anyway, but yes I am indeed the worst)

He brought flowers like a gentlemen lol

Now to the hospital Lucille

Oh no what’s wrong with the boys’ mother?

“Not near my car” oh we know Phyllis 😂 hey we’ve all hit a car as a kid with a ball outside right? or was that just me oops

Ok “Mrs Blair”, let me do you a favor and smack the racism out of you !

Poor Mrs Mohammed ugh it’s sad

Her husband left smh

“You are not dirty, you are unwell. There’s no shame in that” !!!

Trixie’s hair! The white hoops!! I need! the paisley is so obnoxious but she rocks it anyway

“Darn and Dazzle” new blog name😂

Shelagh’s High neck is cute! But not the chartreuse color

Aww Lucille looks beautiful! Hope in that bike side car baby lol

No way it’s just a uti

A Caribbean cafe! We love to see it

“I’m very proud of you” Cyril so supportive

Aww he wants to be a preacher, there’s your future husband right there Lucille

Ok but this was such a tease I wanted real conversation between Trixie and Shelagh lmaoo

“I don’t know what boys do to socks” OK BUT ACTUALLY!  LMAO guys always have ripped socks but why and how??

Phyllis is such a real one, what a good nurse

I hope she is treated by the end of this episode

Sighing when you sit down is a mood, my bones are 60 years old

“I am not a cleaner!” GO OFF LUCILLE.. OR SMACK HER TBH

Give Trixie a better medical plot or any plot this season really, I am begging you

Tell him what it is Phyllis !

“Ow” “ow” LMAO Val is always relatable

How are they all off on the same day multiple days in a week or whatever lol ???

Ah yes a Peter Pan collar ofc

Violet is rocking that green outfit tbh! but why does Shelagh still have to wear that ugly floral dress from a few season ago??

You left your ill wife and young kids alone in a foreign country but you’re ashamed that she was ILL? I have to laugh, the AUDACITY OF MEN!!

I need Phyllis to tell me I’m a brave lass

Lmaoo I also have to laugh bc I don’t have sympathy for Mrs Blair but im sure she’ll be redeemed anyway bc it’s CTM🤷🏼‍♀️🤦🏼‍♀️

She said inches? That’s not the metric system. Thanks to the writer for appeasing to my simple American brain lmaoo

But ouch that’s gotta be painful

“you come please?” Phyllis is really a ride or die. We have to stan Ms Crane

Now they’ll get stuck in the elevator, Lucille will deliver the baby and they’ll make peace of course. watch. lmaoo let me get a pen and join the crew

Idk I’m not feeling this story, it’s like they wanted to say they were writing about racism while barely touching on it - and I’m sure it’ll be a fluffy ending. The whole episode also seems like we’ve seen it already at least seen similar stories before🤦🏼‍♀️

Phyllis also fixing something for the kids to eat? Again, we stan

“Well done Phyllis” give me more Trixie and Phyllis content

“Wait till you see my haute couture” gotta love Trix😂

The page boy hat works for Val tho💁🏼‍♀️

Sister Mj has a little crush on Cyril, change my mind

Lucille to the rescue to deliver a baby in a wheelchair in an elevator ! lmaoo I knew it

She wants to give her fabric for a sari ugh Phyllis you’re a gem

“I was just lashing out” lol o.k sure Connie

Lucille made the paper! We love to see it haha

Wise words indeed

“I feel at home here” aww Lucille 🥺

Tell him straight Turner

Lucilles dress is lovely! And Cyril being a proud boyfriend saving copies is so sweet. Im here for them 

Angela and May matching aww! Even with Shelagh (but why is she still in 50s silhouettes?)

Val serving a brady bunch look haha, very cute

“No show would be complete without Ms Trixie Franklin” damn right Vi!

The graphic liner is everything! and she’s rocking this super 60s-almost-70s look (the lip is a little too nude but that’s me being annoying) 😂

IMAGINE BEING SO GORGEOUS THAT SHOWING YOUR BARE LEGS IS A SCANDAL AND MAKING PEOPLE UNCOMFORTABLE? Iconic! 

even sister J is like uh oh!

 Like what next sister? Risqué SHOULDERS maybe 😂

“That’s a hat to you Fred buckle” LMAO I love the buckles

All of the looks tho! Love it

Amen Cyril

“Nothing is ever beyond repair. We break, we bleed, and we begin again. Trust can be mended, love can be restored...” Vanessa always ends these episodes with such great dialogue 

[twistedesire]

How a Heart Can Shatter

Once upon a time I fell in love With a man i deemed "The one" He was shy and sweet And awkward Just like me I trusted him very much For he was no ordinary man to me He was my first love And now, i fear, my last All i knew of men Was endowed to me by him He was a liar A deceiver And still i endured through many red flags He blocked doorways Stole away my ability to cry for help Trap me in ways with words That made my emotions my very prison I prayed i was not the only one The only girl he hurt But the further i searched the more i realized I'm alone And forever i'll remain as such You see, i'll never fall in love again Who would want a rapist pedophiles trash Who would shoulder my burdens he left me in No one You see I loved a man who admitted to me after 8 years he was looking at children sexually Delving into the confines of his own mind As to why a man would touch him as a boy I thought i could save him Figured time and space would save us from ourselves Instead it drew the poisoned blade of betrayal further into my chest And i'm the barer of the hilt I thought that if we ran off together Like a magical love story Away from the judgement Away from the hate But i could never run from myself The scars on my heart do fester still Every time i gaze upon his pictures They swell up with the deceitful infection he truly is He moved on so fast 8 years Less than a week it took for him to move on And the more i knew of his inability to control himself The more i waited in silence I waited for my friends For any family that truly cared Liar Shit novel apologist Cyber bully Bitch Rude Pity Party Finger pointer I own my lumps The pills do swell in my throat now And i can't comprehend to communicate any further Because how can one speak when all she hears is a cold deadly silence Filled with the echoes of loved ones a girl would die for Only to know that my love cannot be returned How all i needed was a simply hug A gesture of kindness A form of attention to at least show that i know i hurt But i have done what it took to be better Isn't that how justice works? I do wrong I apologize meaningfully Show the change with actions alone Only to see that even though i am human And i make mistakes That i am not allowed to act upon my emotions Dont feel sad Dont get angry Im not feeling anything friend I am nothing... I do not ask for pity I do not ask for sympathy I plead and grovel and beg for your ability to just read my words Know my pain is real And i plead Upon the line that is my life That you belief the words i am about to say Joseph Bass Once a man i loved with all my heart and soul You raped me You cheated on me You lied to me so so so much You robbed me You hurt me You drugged me And now all i can simply say is Thank you Thank you for being the final nail in the coffer I don't need your attention anymore I dont need anyone Or thing I dont need to exist I now can leave this plane of existence Knowing there is worse things in life Than simply death itself That although i drown in my emotions tonight And maybe even more inside my mind And maybe drown physically too I let you go Finally i let you go in my soul I burned your name on a piece of parchment paper With all the reasons i couldn't forgive you And i burned my hand in return I drowned you out of my head When i tried to breathe aquatic air And as i lay sputtering out The liquid that i desperately tried to replace in my lungs From the screams of internal pain of your betrayal I realized I could lay here and die And no one would come save me No one cared.... That the only way a person who truly cared were to know my name anymore Was in a report in a social media group I do not hold a bitter heart I do not speak in spite In fact tears do stream from my eyes tonight As i pick at the few pieces of what hope in humanity i had left The fact that i was even alive I do not comprehend I kept imagining it inside my mind Almost with an empty smile That you never loved me All the times you grabbed me And begged me "please dont cheat on me" As i simply left to lose the weight you complained Got in the way of your fantasies of what you dreamed a woman for you could be You made me feel like if i didn't learn Didn't flourish Didn't grow That i was the perfect one for you In proving in doing nothing Living dead inside That i was proving to you my loyalties As a faithful and honest woman You broke me in ways i wish i could consume cyanide upon And although i do not blame a soul for my pain I give recognition i hurt too That i am human And i feel pain too That empathy is a curse More than a gift And i may make it worse By falling further into darkness That one day i'll see you Face to face And i'll look you in those eyes i compared to "Eyes of a warrior of earth and fire" Only to speak from mine  of "I wish i died before i met you" Because my heart has been broken For the first and last time i'll ever permit it And although i was just a token For you to just simply keep I want you to know You broke the true light in me 8 years And i was the other girl You lusted for a youthful girl Children were not innocent anymore Neither am i Virginity was never my chastity belt My ability to pretend i did not know My ability to act as if their is no evil That my super powers to love beyond all my being Were taken from me in ways that help the dirt upon my coffin splatter harder And when you let me down one last time Please i beg of you Do not leave a rose A letter of love Do not come to see my body that i mutilated Because i wanted to prove to myself That i can only hurt me now That i screamed "i loved you" inside my mind Only to know the words that were spoken upon my lips Were those of all that hurt me in my heart Broke me till i became heartless That you had no respect for even your new mistress And that's what helped me move on And when the day comes If i make it to that day I wanted you to know Thank you anyways For the bloodied sheets The vericrose veins The inability To truly help me The lies you instilled into my drug addled brain And the fact you killed the my inner child that was my last line to be sane And as i lose myself To a darkness i may no return I hope you know that, yes I secretly wanted you to spurn My anger internalized Into bruises upon my own arms and face I can scratch myself till i bleed now And bite till a mere tattoo And all i ask of as a final wish upon my death My love for you Was it worth all this Lying so much that you tainted an already shattered heart That when you deceived me The true betrayal was that i finally felt whole Only to see that it was all an illusion That all i am to you was a concubine to satisfy your affections And when i simply asked in return was for your protection That you too cast me away in ways and words That broke me I finally learned to hurt me by choking myself till i cant see And when i sputter for air and i cry and internally scream I know that i am in a darkness so black That shadows have come for to take my soul back Take me away to another world Take me away from here Take me away from the pain So i dont feel again That when you finally feel any emotion That deems you human Such as true sadness and pain I want to ask you "Does it hurt? Do you want the pain to stop?" Because when i begged you the same You simply replied "No, it feels good" That the moment i came to the realization That my pain had brought you pleasure I realized In the pit of my stomach You did not love me And that to me was rape That as i asked and state "owe stop it hurt" and you replied with your cold cruel callous words I broke off inside my mind To a land of the divine That god needs me now And i dont belong here anymore That apparently it took me to be raped to grow And i dont want to be here In a world of such cruelty Because even as the tears trickle to puddles at my feet I'd rather simply end me So i dont have to ever be seen I tried to do better But i stood up for myself I thought i was finally being brave Instead i was hurting loved ones Without even trying And my anger burned Because it felt like that that was all i was to others A friendly face A giving soul A generous person a smile to ensure your happiness And when you ended it with words such as "i love you as a friend" i knew you did not care any more That you were held back by people who i did not love you either That inside my mind All i can remember is your smiling face And now Every smile is a lie Every human who wants to interact wants something And every face that once meant so much Is now the reason i don't long for another human touch That i lay awake at night Thinking of the things you did to me And how it violates my being And i wish a thousand ways to die to simply end me And tears sting upon my skin And they burn inside my eyes And i am now i realize i the 8th sin One that burns with an endless fire One of immortal pain A twisted desire All it took was one To break a damsel to be a dragon And when you run to another Or get rejected time and time again Remember the woman who filled your fridge Who cleaned your laundry properly Who scrubbed your dishes spic and span Who folded your underwear that special way you like Who rubbed your feet and massaged your back Who helped you up when you could no longer bend straight Who directed you when you were lost Who gave her everything to be your other half Only for her to realize that i was 100% of the connection And all i asked for was my 50% of your simple affection And as my eyes watered up Asking in a voice that croaked "i think i want to die" When you ignored me I just simply broke When you shielded yourself with others While i knew i had no one And all i can think of is of my own mother And how i had to disown Because she is older now And her task is done She raised a woman And i have my own beautiful home That may end as a tomb But i love you mother Friends and family I was just trying to stick up for me And blew up in rage And i apologize for being greedy All i wanted was your affection I know it was very needy I cut out my gluttonous addictions And im sorry i was so prideful Pompous upon my beleif That i did nothing wrong For how you all reacted to me And now i see it and the pain does burn That if i finally quit Its only me i spurn That im so alone that im already dead inside And now im trapped in my home And i feel nothing Even if i am alive That i could be a ghost Wandering around an already empty apartment And what hurts the most Is would anybody even notice?

[taylorb94-blog1]

medical mystery

so one reason i wanted to start a blog was to vent and write out about the medical mystery thats going on with me right now. so here is the deal, pain we all experience it, physical or emotional. but, both at the same time is just unfair.

it all started two years ago, normal night sitting at home and then it started, the pain. lower abdomen, upper pelvis, whatever the medical professionals like to call it. basically us ladies know it as the area around the ovaries. i know what you are thinking and no these were not cramp x.x. thanks to the depo shot i haven’t had a period or cramps in what feels like forever. yes, i know “tmi” well you started reading and the natural human curiosity is making you keep reading.

so pain started, first kind of annoying but as the night went on, it got more and more intense. doubled over, screaming, crying, worst pain of my life. so my mom rushes me to the er, 5 hours, poked with needles and peeing in cups later, doctor says bladder infection. he convenced me that, thats all it was, shot me up with some toroidal and anti-biotics and sent me on my way. 

few nights later, same thing. this story is funny just wait. so since i was just there and showing the same signs, more poking for blood and they wheel me off to do a ct. now we (my mom and i ) are waiting, and waiting, and waiting...... finally doctor peaks his head in the curtain and the first thing out his mouth,” have you been swallowing coins?”, as you could imagine i had the most angry and confused look on my face. only thing i could think to say was “ DO I LOOK LIKE A  3 YEAR OLD LEFT ALONE WITH CHANGE?!?!?” don’t get me wrong in todays day in age with munchhousins and crazy people i get now that it was a valid question, but at the time i was just upset.so the diagnosis that night was “foreign objects in the cologne” yea try to go to work and explain that to your boss. with out mentioning names, i had a mole in the hospital who may have looked at my file for me. the ct tec. said the objects were “ undissolved food or pills”.... so my “coins” was my dinner. cant roll my eyes hard enough.

fast forward grand total of 6 E.R. visits. yes i know a lot but hey i needed answers. there were nights i laid in my bed just thinking to myself that a butter knife to the abdomen would give me some relief. why a butter knife? just think of how pissed off you have to be to make damage with a butter knife..... scary right? now we move on to the ob/gyn two different doctors, 4 different ultrasounds later. nothing , and everything passed though our minds,( cancer, cysts, endometriosis, ect. even telling myself if its the worst, “ hey i can always adopt”) but everything came back normal. 

then one doctor had the magical idea that he pulled out of his butt “hernia”. and if you are like me with all this medical mystery, google has become your best friend. a hernia occurs when you put strain on your body with heavy lifting and what not, producing a lump or bulge. i could be sitting down doing nothing and this pain starts, (hell its hurting now and i’m laying in bed typing this.) but i went with it, and talked to a surgeon. fast forward to another ct scan. this time with the contrast, both oral and though iv. if you have ever tasted that stuff, omg it was horrible and then to “make it taste better” they added raspberry flavoring. yea that tasted like a raspberry’s asshole. But i pinched my nose and gulped as much as i could at a time. thinking to myself “do this now and we get answers later.” 3/4 of a liter everything that went down tried to come back up. and as i sat in that waiting room i held back tears, because yes, there were more people in there with me. all waiting to do cts, lucky some not having to drink the horrible drink. but i couldn't help but think to myself, they all know what they are looking for. cuz of course i was eves dropping on conversations, but one cute guy was there for kidney stones, one was looking for something else i forgot, but when they asked me, all i could say was Idk and try not to cry. yes everyone was there for a bad reason but they all had something more then me. a piece of mind, a diagnosis, a plan. i had nothing but a gut full of nasty drink and theory. 

ct results come back, i sit in the doctors office hopeful that we have an answer, that we can make a plan, that i can finally start to feel better. 

my world came crashing down the second she walked in the door. i could see it all over her face, then she spoke,”honey i’m sorry but we don’t see anything on the ct,” i cried beyond control, ugly crying face and all. 

side note, i am not a thin woman. yes i am plus size and “over weight” and due to this sickness i haven’t been able to work out and lose weight. but after crying my eyes out so frustrated to the point i was begging for exploratory surgery. the surgeon looked at me and said “maybe if you lose some weight.” .... ok now im pissed. “NAME ONE FAT PERSON WHO HAS THIS PROBLEM” yes i need to lose weight, but don’t make that the dumb answer to this situation.

needless to say here we are, still in pain, changed diet, gone gluten free and all that fun stuff and yes i have lost some weight. Has any pain subsided? hell no. 

the pain had escalated to where i could not walk. so my mom took me to the emergency room again. (against my wishes) and i told the doctor on call” i was not leaving with out some kind of answer and stronger medication then what ive been given (cuz lets face it, no i don’t want hard core pills but the aspirin they have been giving me was not worth the kidney damage it was doing, it did not put a dent in the pain.) i laid on that bed crying, to the point i couldn't speak, and as me and my mother told her the adventures of the past two years. for the first time i left she was actually listening, that she didn't want to rush me out of there but actually give me an answer,especially when i said the magic words “please cut me open, ill do the exploratory surgery”, of course she didn't have one, but her theory goes right back to ovaries, something called interstitial cystitis. 

so we are back to square one, thinking its my ovaries but at least now i have a stronger theory, yes the pain is horrendous, the doctor visits seem tedious, and you start to question your sanity when the doctor tells you that nothing is wrong or they cant find anything. but its your piece of mind that you must hold on to. 

at the end of this, i hope people will say, “ she was a Warrior.”

i plan to keep you all updated as i continue my mystery medical journey. and i hope you are an entertained with my tails.

this is my story, i don’t regret posting it.