#and im not really gonna be accepting that anymore
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#not me thinking about how every partner ive had since madlyn was hesitant to show me to their family#reluctant to bring me round their friends#didnt want me to be a part of their wider life in that way#and im not really gonna be accepting that anymore#not even if i really love them#i cant let myself fall in love with people who only love me halfway anymore
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anybody else play a cleric durge and felt like they had to come up with some ridiculous reason as to why their pc would wake up believing they worship a god that’s not bhaal? ophelia’s is “i can tell i used to worship a god and can’t remember who, but i have some sick fucking lightning powers and i love carnage destruction and chaos, so that probably means talos is my god. yeah that checks out”
and it’s just. not even fucking true. she was absolutely Not a cleric before the nautiloid, and she definitely didn’t worship talos. he just happened to fit the description
i like to think talos sees her going through this process and just decides to feed into her delusions and grant her cleric powers because he thinks it’s funny
#if anyone has rationalizations like these i’d love to hear them lmao it’s such a funny concept to think about#also im at start act 3 and ophelia is going through it because 1 she knows she’s a bhaalspawn now and 2 she’s had her redemption arc so-#she doesn’t really subscribe to talos’ preachings anymore. so it’s a bit awkward#anyway once she’s rejected bhaal and withers has brought her back I’m gonna respec her to worship kelemvor instead#because he’s the closest i can get to having her worship jergal lol#and she’ll get to keep her death fixation <3#only problem is her dating fangs but i like to think withers is like ‘kelemvor listen. i know her taste is terrible. but she’s saving the-#sword coast. please. please make an exception. just this once’#and kelemvor begrudgingly accepts#bg3#bg3 spoilers#bg3 dark urge#bg3 tav#oc ophelia#ALSO!!! highly recommend having talos be your durge’s god a lot of his dialogues (and evil cleric dialogues in general) go super well-#together with durge
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preparing for my 48 hour bender to make christmas eve and day mildly tolerable so i dont kill myself
#t minus 4 hours lads#i do not want to remember anything for the next two days#i cannot wait to not have to see christmas shit again for a while#praying christmas is not gonna trigger a massive psychotic episode again like it has for the last 3 years#i cant keep livin like this lads. think i really need to just die.#im still taking advice on wills by the way cause im kinda lost on where to start and i dont have a lot of money#i dont want my parents to have my body but i also dont have anyone else to take my body when i die#is there like. any solution to that. or do i just have to accept my parents will get my body when i die.#cause in that case ill just try to make sure my body is never recovered#sorry that im being a mopey prick and a downer its just that every day of my life i have wished i was not alive anymore :)
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Today was the second birthday this year of a friend that I thought I was really close with that i didn’t get invited to
#birthday#fake friends#friend group#I’ve literally counseled this girl through half her shit this year and then she doesn’t even invite me to her birthday that she invited#people she barely talks to too and then after that she turns around and hangs out with my fucking brother of all people#I can’t wait for a new school next year so I can finally get away from the people who stopped appreciating me a long time ago#I know it sounds kinda selfish but I truly have not done anything (in the last 4 years) to ever hurt or fully disregard them and I really#don’t know what happened#one week we were waking to and from school together everyday and now I feel like I’ve been rejected from our walking group and I’m literally#uncomfortable walking with them in the mornings because they just fully ignore me the entire time#this isn’t even about just the one friend anymore#this is also happening with someone else who was supposed to be my best friend and now she barely talks to me anymore#and like I can accept that we’re not bffs anymore cause it happened a year or two ago so I’ve moved passed it#but she just pretends I don’t exist anymore#we have like three classes together and on snap she got an send it that’s said like tag your fav people on each class#and when I tell you i was in the room with her when she posted I and she didn’t even mention me#istfg#im gonna stop now because this is getting extremely ranty but I can’t really talk to anyone about this irl so this is just my vent space now
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demand avoidance is so stupid. what do you mean I'm not going to do the thing I wanted to anymore just bc someone else wants me to......
#this is about true detective ive wanted to watch it for ages but my flatmate started it recently + recommended it + even shared the files#and i DO want to watch it. and i was going to but now ive found out our other friend really likes it (presumably why she got into it)#and another mutual friend said hes a fan so the 'expectation' that my mind has now invented means im not going to anymore 👍#ugh i mean i will. eventually. but its going to involve some pointless mental acrobatics to trick myself into getting around pda#this doesnt ALWAYS happen with recommendations but probably 80% of the time it does. usually if i leave it long enough it wears off..#sorry if youve ever recced smth to me i promise its on a list somewhere and i trust ur taste. im just weird and neurotic#give me a few months or years......#also a bit annoyed now bc the other day my roommate apologised for rarely ever accepting my recommendations. and thats ok i dont mind#like i can be weird abt it too sometimes + i never expect anyone to start smth i rec. i just think they might like it innit#but the fact she brought it up and apologised made me realise that actually she does take recs from other friends a lot..#one of them in particular and thats cool but damn okay. i see how it is.... im half joking i mean she can do what she wants forever#and i get theyre closer friends so it makes sense. but i guess it just feels like a kind of judgement of me in a way. hmm anyway#whats new there innit. ahh well im gonna play elden ring so i dont ruminate the rest of this afternoon#.diaries
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#im so tired of this lalalalalalalalaa#something is Wrong lol#i really need this therapy on wednesday but guess WHAT im not going. im going to a funeral instead 🤡#and ill be singing in that stupid fucking church because have to but i dont fucking wanna i hate doing it and i hate churches#all i feel rn is the overwhelming urge to selfdestruct and like obv im not gonna kms now#but im so fucking angry that im not even *allowed* to do that anymore. like it was such a comfort all this time to know that i can just Quit#and now i cant because guess what someone has to take care of my mother 🫠 and im so fucking tired of being someone people depend on#to handle THEIR feelings and THEIR emotions and just take it all with humility and acceptance and kindness and never snap and bite back#like i dont WANNA hear about your dead husband i dont wanna hear about your stupid fucking boyfriend#i dont wanna hear about the new guy/girl who's hitting on you because you're so hot and perfect#i dont wanna be responsible for how people feel. i should just shut up and take it and be humble and never ask or expect anything back#but when is it MY turn to call at 1 am crying about how im tired and want to kms#or to start expecting shit of people and allow myself to get properly angry at them for not meeting those expectations#or to braggingly 'complain' about something the other person clearly lacks without any consideration for their feelings#or to just openly cry and say deeply personal shit without any filter not caring if that other person is clearly uncomfortable af#because *i* need it right now and i need someone to listen and let them worry about how to even respond to that stuff#im just so tired of people expecting shit of me im tired of being made responsible even tho i clearly cannot handle that responsibility#i wanna be mean i wanna snap and get angry and openly say that i dont give a shit and am tired and cant listen to this rn#but i cant because i have to be a motherfucking mother theresa and never dare to demand something for myself#and idk where that comes from. idk if it's coming from the fanatic catholicism of my childhood or my mother or just from myself and idc#i just feel so horrible and guilty and wrong for wanting anything for myself#and it once again feels like im making myself the victim and the tortured martyr here when i should just shut up and take it#i just wanna lie down and die and not care about who'll get angry or judge or blame me for it im tired and i dont know what to do#i want someone to take care of ME and reassure ME and make ME feel like i matter and that they really will help me if i ever need it#and that they'd be kinda sad if i were gone not because i had a role to fulfill that i failed at by killing myself but because i am a person#<- math calculations flying around my head as i come to the terrible realisation#of just why exactly im so deeply obsessed with my voice teacher (aside from her being literally the most beautiful woman alive lol) 🤡#like babygirl stop being so utterly overwhelmingly kind to me my knees are weak i would do anything for you queen and I MEAN IT
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exhausted dot png
#i’m cishet neurotypical for the weekend right and i guess bc i was cishet half of the time just two short years ago i thought this would be#a lot easier than it is? like i underestimated how exhausting this would be#not to sound Like This but hanging with all of these protestants really is so different than the catholics. maybe bc i’ve been largely surro#unded by catholics so im well adapted to dealing with them lol idk.#it’s just. i accepted that the cousins wouldn’t accept me if they ever knew but my beloved beloved great aunt…..#my mom is so sure that she would accept me if she knew but i’ve been telling her i don’t know i don’t know now that she’s a protestant it’s#different…. and lo and behold every other fucking word out of her mouth is virulent shit#and idk what to do with it.#i love her too much to lose her over this (for now) but christ i nearly told her i was a dyke at lunch today just to get her to shut up abou#t trans people.#i have no desire for my family to ever know i’m genderqueer bc i don’t need them to know but eventually my aunt is going to need to know the#homosexuality and this trip has just emphasized how. man it’s gonna be shit isn’t it. no doubt to cling to anymore.#anyways i’m expected to go to baptist church tmrw morning and autism brain i kind of want to go just to see what it’s like but me brain i’m#just. so tired. and even if the transgenders don’t get brought up in the service i don’t think i want to go anyways.
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im just unhappy scratch that the more i think about it the more im just straight up miserable and dont want to be here anymore
#is there anything i can do about it? no not really i cant motivate myself to do anything that would mean anything#i dont have a job i cant apply for anything i dont want to look into schools i cant get into#i look like shit i feel like shit everythings fuck awful and im a horrible person incapable of anything worth a shit#good morning im just gonna. fuck i dont even know anymore. im fucking tired but i have to get up for some god awful reason#i just wanna rot. would be for the best#night is an absolute mess on main#and good to know more stress about money stuff when things get cut and getting your applications accepted for help is gonna get more#difficult and selective than it already was. im already barely making anything now im gonna get even less#im just. what the fuck am i supposed to do to stay alive in this economy anymore
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Going to the same fandom from one social media to another is so funny feeling. its like two neighbors that never really spoke to each other with one finally knocking on the others door like "hello. i brought my cake to your house because my house kinda sucks right now. wanna eat together?"
#i hope my cake is accepted#im never truly gonna leave twitter until it all goes to true shambles but yknow. better safe than sorry#ive always wanted to try tumblr years ago actually. just... never got it. too intimidated.#i havent heard the best things abt how hisoillu stans were treated on here either#not that we're safe on twitter but it didnt reach... THOSE levels yknow. worse it got was death threats lol#never truly experienced those myself though. other ppl? they experienced that a lot.#why am i having an entire conversation with myself in the tags#anyways ive always thought tumblr was a really good archive place. i feel my content is much safer on here than twitter.#ive always wanted to expand in general... but instagram's been shit so what other option is there anymore lol#anyways.#HI EVERYONE ON TUMBLR
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everyone sees santana as the jealous one which is true. but i think brittany would be jealous too just more low key about it
#i mean after s4 i think santana really gets over it#like that’s her acceptance. she just can’t have brittany like that anymore and it sucks#because well also my bpdtana headcanon. she probably felt really possessive over brittany for a bit there#and also hated brittany a little i’m not even gonna lie because she was so frustrated at how seamlessly brittany moved on#but then she accepted it after she realized brittany wasn’t out to get her nor was sam#it was just. moving on. and santana would have to accept that. also need to mention the distance definitely fucked w santana’s head about it#being away from brittany for so long? yeah. she took it as a sign that brittany was abandoning her which caused her to kinda freak out#cause she spent so much time being so dependent or close in general to brittany. the sudden distance was Weird and Bad to her head#and heart#but then you know brittany talks to her about it so she realizes she needs to move on#then dani comes in right#she’s over it. they’re both just fine. but then 5x12. well brittany certainly didn’t like that there was another person in the picture now#-for santana. like she may not have shown it as much as santana does but she was kinda pissed about it i’m ngl#like the whole immediately kissing santana and then bringing up their history? she was about to KHS over the idea of santana just finding#-someone else and even preferring them more over her. llikeeee she wants santana so bad#jealousy im telling youu but she was trying to be normal about it#endgame though so we’re good. i just think about it sometimes#god nobody can rip jealousy tropes out of my hand i just love them#draft clearing spree! woohoo#and also i mostly just think that brittany was jealous in s5 going crazy. near end of s4 a bit. SHE NEEDED HER GIRL BACK asap.#gleeposting
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even though it was buried in the tags of my last text post, that text post was the first time ive ever admitted to any of my ocs having The Diagnosis which is also My Diagnosis which means ive just somewhat admitting to having The Diagnosis which is My Diagnosis and wow that was extremely nerve wracking but it also felt nice to get it out there. this is my coming out post i guess
#definitely gonna delete this later i just wanted to ramble for a minute#idk why but this specific diagnosis was the most difficult thing to come to terms with#being diagnosed with adhd and bpd that was nothing but THIS ONE? it ruined my life for at least a few months#which is so silly bc when other people have this diagnosis i think nothing of it#but when its Me it just brings out this horrible complex inside of my heart#so having an explanation for that kinda stung you know. but hey its there now#a lot of this journey has just been me trying 2 unlearn the harmful stereotypes abt myself as far as The Diagnosis is concerned#and learning to treat myself kindly in spite of my insecurities which at times feel like a direct byproduct of my diagnosis. its a lot#but yeah. Yeah. idek what im trying to say anymore#shoutout to my homies who felt like aliens their entire childhoods only to be diagnosed later in life we are so strong and whatever#kisses you on the forehead#also tbh it feels good to project it onto my ocs. it makes me feel better about myself#making brie autistic as shit makes me feel more normal because in my head im like well shes living her best life. why cant i#and all the straud kids too. theyre still living their best lives and theyre totally confident w themselves and they accept their diagnosis#and they accept its just a part of them you know!! nothing to be ashamed of. so why cant i#THIS IS SO LONG IM SORRY im very emotional right now. ik this is kinda weird but i really want to find the confidence#to talk about this without feeling embarrassed about myself. autism rocks !#this is literally the autism website idk why im nervous right now you are all literally autistic why am i so nervous LOL
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'im gonna sleep' he lied
#snap chats#i love making the main text Bullshit and then putting the actual post below. ive said this before but idc its my art#its like... the main text is the title and the tags is the actual article.... does that make sense#i should sleep my eyes are heavy but im being tormented by concepts i want to execute#gotta apologize for all the arasawa posting as of late but ive been enabled#tbh on the lowest of keys i did post bout them on occasion in the past but. but now it's feel-speed ahead#twt has been driving me insane so i just need to hop aboard me other boat yk what im saying... please say you do i refuse to elaborate#for the sake of the people i wont but man if you know you know#anyways. the actual meat of this text post See All That Preamble Shit is meant to deter people. it is a warning#'i am bring cringe down here do not look. wait for it to be art so it's harder to ignore'#'snap i thought you didnt like sharing things if you were gonna do something with it' ok well the delusions are strong tonight#and im too tired to do anything and ill prob be too brain dead to do anything tomorrow LET ME SPEAK#ok cringe time. i just think jo gradually accepting physical affection can be something so personal and good SUE. me.#and when i say 'gradually' it will be ten years before he accepts it and even so it'll be quietly#i think by his 20's hes beyond flinching/wincing at random contact- or at the very least he's very good at suppressing the reflex to#more so if its not something like a handshake- like just casual contact- i imagine he's more confused than anything#i had friends who were obsessed with like. hugs and holding hands and those things always had me like ???#i imagine Same Shit for him ☠️ 'this isnt a bad thing but this isnt something im familiar with What Is???? this feels weird.'#im gonna make myself throw up thinking anymore about this. i be making these hardened yakuza men sweet and sentimental#twitter really is decaying my brain....#let me be worse. cause i hope arakawa introducing that sort of physical affection rubs off on jo. no where near the same level as arakawa#but itd be SOO funny if like.. jo starts walking close enough to occasionally bump shoulders with him#i hope when arakawa starts nodding off in the car and ''''accidentally''' lays his head on his shoulder he stops tensing up#heaven forbid jo even rests his cheek against arakawa. id be ill#Let Me Clutch My Pearls For This One i hope when they hold hands jo starts to hold arakawa's a lil tighter than he used to#just very /very/ little things like that. very little things that'll still make me insane I'M DELU-LU TONIGHT SORRRYYYYY#expect more of this bullshit but. in art form in the future. whether it writing or drawing idk i just need it#i need it injected right into my veins its my weakness your honor TAKE ME AWAY i AM guilty for making the scary gangsters cute#ok im pissing off fr now bye.
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i am more stressed than i’ve been in years and i literally wanna cry the only thing keeping me together is after next wednesday it will basically all be over
#i’ve got a lot of school shit going on#and i really need to do well in these classes to keep my gpa up so i can apply to the mortuary program#the only thing keeping me going#is that after the semester ends i’m gonna get together with friends and watch star wars and make spritz cookies#and at christmas my friend evan is getting me penguin sheets because i’ve had these same penguin sheets since i was 14 but they’ve got a#massive hole in them but i refuse to have any other sheets cause i love these but he showed me a picture of the ones he’s getting and theyre#so cute but i’m gonna miss my current sheets so much#they don’t make these specific ones anymore tho so i have to move on#im gonna keep them and maybe sew them into something else#im crying now and i think im gonna continue crying until i have to go to work because this actually feels really nice#i was in my math class earlier and tears were falling but i had to push them back#and then i listened to defying gravity on the drive home and there were tears in my eyes but i couldnt full on cry cause that dangerous#so now i’m sitting here in bed crying#nonsims#grace talks#i don’t have to attend my oral com class this week either accept to turn in a paper on friday and i’m gonna write her a letter too#which i’ve only done with one other teacher ever in my life but she’s really nice and really sweet so she deserves it
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so the last person who i thought of as an IRL friend has completely forsaken me and I need your help please. if I can get $41 in my paypal I can order myself a year's supply of lube. which would spare me a lot of suicidal ideation
please? paypal @ mitchbaker29 $0/41
#if i could get 100 extra i want a tenga but i dont need or expect that#unfortunately i dont want to die not really. it would be so easy if i really did. i just want a livable life. and failing that- distraction#i dont want to be all im gonna kms if i dont get this but with the unmedicated adhd brain and tendonitis in my forearms..#im gonna end up in situations where i either jo and put one or both hands out of commission and have nothing to think about but suicide#or i stop cumming and my mood drops precipitously and then im thinking a lot more about suicide#if you want to come over and start the process of actually saving me that would be wonderful#i'll accept making life suck a tiny bit less until i cant take it anymore at least tho
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ik its 4am I just woke up but I can't believe my roommate got upset with me bc she thought I thought she was "anti feminist" for shaving. girl I literally never fucking said that. sorry I was incessantly bullied by strangers friends and family for not shaving as a teen and so body hair positivity is important to me + sorry I like body hair on myself and other ppl and have explicitly said I find it attractive before. I don't care that u shave but I'm not going to clap and cheer abt it? ur already fulfilling societal expectations so why do u need my approval on top of that? its such a non issue like how the fuck is a masc dyke making u feel insecure abt ur cis femininity lmao
#can 100% understand where shes coming from abt some of the other things she was upset abt bc that was def on me#and i genuinely am sorry and ive said so. but this one is just petty#if she was a trans woman then i would get if she felt like i was judging her for shaving in order to pass or whatever#which i wouldnt judge anyway bc not my body so i dont care what u do with it!!! but i could understand the fear of judgement#i dont even know im so tired... i just dont understand her at all sometimes. and i feel like she really doesnt understand me either#and ik im easily misunderstandable bc im often emotionally unpredictable and autistic as fuck. but it makes me sad that weve known each-#other years now and are probably the person both of us talk to most and there are still so many fundamental miscommunications between us#and im trying to understand!! but sometimes i just have to accept that i really dont. we're just so different and thats ok#just so hard to know what she thinks bc she immediately dismissed my reply to her yesterday. but if she said its ok then i guess it is#im just gonna take her at her word even if shes being dishonest w me im not fucking around with this anymore#anyway whatever.. rolling over and going back to sleep. i hope i have a better day at work today regardless#.diaries
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vent ignore
#i just really can't keep doing this anymore#my doctor and therapist simply don't fucking get it and neither do my parents or friends or anyone really#like i'm not gonna get any better at anything i think it's for the best that everyone just accepts that and lets me either#live the rest of my life out in misery like that#or just lets me kill myself#like i really don't care if the problem is actually other people or me or my brain or the world literally who the fuck cares#what matters is that i don't want to be here and i'm done trying to solve my problems when i know i can't do it#its just so stupid lol like i don't need anyone telling me#that i had a bad childhood or that i have#a huge victim complex or that i'm going to get better#we all know that im not#like just let me fucking die stop#delete later
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