#and it didn’t really come back until around 2011

[plushyluke]

emogfcore

[valexformula1]

Electricity - DR3

Request: No

Summary: Reader and Daniel being fools for each other but not confessing after Daniel heard Lewis is gonna ask reader out

Pairing: Daniel Ricciardo x best friend!reader

Word Count: 1323

Warnings: little sad and fluff, house moving, Daniel and reader being a pair of fools for ice cream, cursing

Author’s Note: Inspired by the song electricity of Silk City, Dua Lipa. Don’t be a ghost reader, it took me a while to write in it.

1996

At your 7 years you got to move from your country because your father got a job offer at Perth, Australia, you got to admin it was scary at first, moving from Peru to Australia was not easy especially when it was a different idiom, people, school, basically everything. Your mother died when you were 4, so it has been you and your dad only until you meet him.

Your dad was a mechanic engineer, and he was working at the Australia track when you meet him. 

It was a very hotness Wednesday when you were looking around for your dad since you got lost looking the other cars when suddenly him bumped you, a pretty boy with big brown eyes and a cheeky smile.

“Sorry, I didn’t see where I was going” 

“Sorry too, are you okey? ” he said cheking on you to see if you were fine

“Yep, I’m y/n by the way”

“I’m Daniel, nice to meet you” he said shaking hands with you “Come on, let’s go for some ice cream” 

Before you could answer he was already running and holding your hand, so you could follow him.

Since that you and him start to hang more and more becoming best friends, you attending to his races and him been for you in every broken heart.

2011

When I'm with you

Ooh, baby

Giving up my ghost for you

“Gosh Daniel, I’m so proud of you debuting for F1” you said

“What you think about the race?” he replied

“That someone is getting an F1 seat soon” 

“You really think so?”

“Absolutely, you’ll see”

“Thanks, changing theme” he said looking behind you “where is Michael?”

“He isn’t coming, actually he isn’t coming anymore we split out, think it wasn’t meant to be”

“What? Why? You okey?”

“Yep, we just wanted different things” you said trying to recover the reality “come on let’s go for some ice cream” you said grabbing his hand.

The truth was that Micheal want to call it quits since he saw how much time you spend with Daniel and you attending to the race and cancelling your date 3 days before was the straw that broke the camel's back. 

He told you that it was clear you and Daniel were in love, so he broke up with you, you didn’t agree with him saying that you got a thing for Daniel when it wasn’t he was your best friend that was all.

2021

All I see is you, lately

Wide awake and in my dreams

I see your face so vividly

I don't know what I'd do

Ooh, baby

If you only saw a friend in me

I'd be bittersweet

That casual kiss on my cheek would have meant nothing up until recently, every time that you saw, hug or touch Daniel there was a feeling, a feeling in your stomach.

This started to happen since that GP 2 years ago when he wins, you watch him get off the stage to hug you and since then you could stop thinking about him. 

Now you weren’t dumb you knew what it meant, but it didn’t matter, today you decided to give it a shot and tell him after the race. 

“Hey Dan, congrats on p4” you said after entering on his driver's room

“Thanks y/n” okey it was now or never

“So, I want to tell you something” said both of you

“Go ahead” he said

“No, you” you said thinking he would say what you think it was, was it that he felt the same? He also likes you ?

“Well, I meet this pretty girl yesterday and I ask her to go on a date tomorrow” he said smiling

After that you learn that online date apps were not that bad at all.

2022

I know you've been treating, treating yourself wrong

So let me care for you

Ooh, baby

I'ma love you differently

I'll give you electricity

“Hey, you wanna grab some ice cream?” you said to him after he opens the door of the hotel

Everybody knew Daniel wasn’t having the time of his life this season with Mclaren treating him like shit.

“Thank but not in the mood” he says a little sad

“What’s wrong?” you could feel something was not fine

“Imleavingmclaren” he whispered 

“What?” you replied confused

“I’m leaving Mclaren y/n” he said more loud this time with tears in his eyes

This past few weeks Daniel was the center of attention on the paddock but not for a good reason, everyone wanted to know where he was going to go or do after the news. Daniel started to push everyone, fake smiling all the time, there wasn’t that smile that you saw years ago anymore, he started to lose weight and cancelled to your friend dates.

“Daniel, talk to me” you beg, this week you found out Daniel wasn’t eating

“I am fine”

“No you’re not, you being skipping foods” 

“Just wasn’t hungry, that’s all”

“What about our Wednesdays of ice cream that you seem to skip now” you replied a little angry now

“Busy”

“Daniel Joseph Ricciardo stop it, I know you since we were 7, and I know you are not fine, and it’s okey not being fine sometimes” you said now hugging him

“It’s just too much for me right now, I feel like my life doesn’t matter anymore, I feel lost” he cried

“You’re going to be fine, let me care for you ”

2023

I feel electric, baby

So electric, baby

Wanna let you know, let you know

I think I'm ready, baby

I think I'm ready, now

It was the Australia GP and you decided to go see it with Daniel, that night at the hotel he started to feel better, it has been a tough way, but now he was the third driver of Red Bull Racing, and he had enough time for Wednesdays of Ice cream.

“Hey Seb, how retiring treating you?”

“Very good, where is your lovebird?”

“Not my lovebird”

“Come on y/n, you two are bound to one another, you always have been, and I know he feels the same” 

“Sorry to disappoint, but I don’t think he feels the same way” you replied

“Who? Daniel?” said Hanna joining the conversation “he is a fool for you” 

“Yep but y/n says he is not” Seb said telling his wife the context 

“I even thought you were dating, there is no way he doesn’t” she said

“Yeah, well he doesn’t” you said 

Max has won the Australia GP, and you’re at the hotel getting ready for the party when you heard a knock.

“Hi Dan” you said opening the door

“So I heard Lewis want to ask you out” he says while entering to the room.

What? Lewis? I mean he was cute, well hot, but you were more into a certain Australian “Really? Who you kn..” you couldn’t finish because you feel his lips against you. 

“Before you said anything I just want you to know I’ve always liked you, from the first moment I saw you at that Wednesday when we went to eat ice cream, and you order vanilla, and ever since that day I have hidden my feelings because I didn’t want to lose you, but now I heard Lewis want to ask you out, so I have to risk now because I know him, and I know that if you say yes to that date I will lose you forever so here I’m telling you everything and hoping you feel the same way y/n”  he lower his head as he finishes saying that, not wanting to look your reaction but instead of a push he feels your lips again.

“That means you like me too?”

“Of course you fool”

He started to smile, grab your hand and run while yelled “Come on, let’s grab some ice cream to commemorate this moment” 

[butyou-callmewhenyourebored]

Matty Healy Imagine

Summary: In which you "dated" Matty pre 75 fame (2011-2012) and bump into him seven years later (late 2019) never realising you meant more to Matty than you could ever imagine.

Warnings: Swearing. Vulgar language somewhere around the middle because there is a tiny section of smut my friends!

Author's Note: Hope you enjoy this one. This was the 'Matty realising who his person is/in love with' piece that you all voted for next. Not entirely sure if it's any good to be honest but I hope you like it. A short blurb might be posted at a later date. Ross and George stuff coming up next! Enjoy! x

P.S If any of you can think of a 1975 song that we could use to title this bad boy I would be highly appreciative because currently I have nothing!

4.8K Words

When you met Matty Healy you were just shy of turning twenty one years old, you were still at uni and you were at a wedding of a friend of a friend that you only knew kind of through work and he was captivating from the off. He had a stunning set of curls and a cheeky charm about him, that had you knocking back whatever shots he was offering, laughing at all his stupid jokes (read chat up lines) and letting him feel you up as you danced until the early morning. You would have followed him into whatever trouble he got himself into without a single question asked.

He told you he was in a band with his mates from school to which you humoured him, nodding your head as you hummed in vague response. Of course he was, this was the noughties, every boy in your age range was or had been in a garage band doing covers of Blink 182 and hoping to make it big one day. What made Drive Like I Do or whatever weird name he told you any different from the rest of the kids?

Except they were different. They were fucking brilliant and when you found out they were from a small town in Cheshire not far from where you were from, you thought it might have been fate that you two would find each other.

You “dated” for roughly six months. You use the word loosely because looking back at that time in your life, it seemed like it was just a flurry of a lot of sex and a lot of fighting. Fighting about the states he would get in when he’d do drugs with his mates. Some of your most profound conversations were with him when he was high or you were both drunk out of your minds. But you probably fought more in those last two months than you did in the entirety of your next relationship. Which is a shame because you could have really loved him.

When the two of you finally admitted defeat and decided to go your separate ways. You didn’t hear from him or the boys again. Not that you ever expected to as he was busy becoming the front man in the biggest band in the world and you ended up moving to London for work and working up the ladder at your law firm and living with your boyfriend for the next seven years. You couldn’t escape him though, the band were the biggest thing to come out of the North since Arctic Monkeys and they were on every channel, every magazine, their music attached to every social media post.

Even though you weren’t on speaking terms with any of them because you had too much respect for Matty to make it weird. You knew George, Adam and Ross deserved the success they had achieved over the past seven years. Matty too, this was his dream and he was living it to the fullest.

You expected the success to find them. What you didn’t expect was to run into Adam and his girlfriend on your walk home from work one late October evening in 2019. He spotted you first, the two of you just standing in shock in front of one another for the first time in so long, in silence. His girlfriend highly confused as to what was happening until one of you finally spoke.

“Hi.” Adam immediately smiled sweetly at you before embracing you. “How are you doing Ads? Congratulations on everything! I knew you’d do it!”  You told him, your happiness genuine for him, he was one of the nicest people you had ever met.

“Thanks. Carls this is y/n an old friend of ours. Her and Matty dated what…” He paused a moment, whist trying to figure it out. “How long has it been since I’ve seen you? Seven years now?”

“Sounds about right!” You managed to chuckle. “I ehhh heard about what happened with him a couple of years ago. I wanted to reach out but didn’t know how or if it’d be weird or not?  Is he doing okay?”

“Better than ever.”  Adam smiled warmly at you at your concern.

“Will you pass on the message that I’m glad he’s well.”  You had started to ask but before either of you could say anything else. You heard the dulcet northern tones of a man that you shared your life with many moons ago, rupture through the evening air.

“Hann! What you doing mate? Who are you talking to…”

Words died on his tongue the moment he took in the sight of you in front of him for the first time since your last fight in the spring of 2012. Very rarely did Matty not know what to say. But there you were, his muse for some of his most beloved songs. As he lived and breathed, dressed in tight leather pants, a smart white blouse tucked in and stiletto heels that looked like they could kill him if he got in your way. Shock etched across your face but you looked more beautiful that Matty ever remembered.

“Hi” 

Your voice came out a little less confident than you anticipated and it made you want to shoot yourself in the foot but when Matty let out a breathy “Hi” like he was unsure of what to say it made you feel a little better. The pair of you continued to stare at one another, not completely sure how long neither of you weren’t saying anything but Adam coughed awkwardly and prompting you to look over in his direction.

“Well it was lovely to see you again.”  Adam leant down to press a deft kiss to your cheek before throwing a look over his shoulder at his best mate. “Hopefully it won’t be seven years next time.” He laughed, squeezing your arm gently as Carly sent you a soft smile and a wave as they both headed off in the opposite direction to you.

“You look good Healy.” 

You broke the silence, smiling at him sincerely as you took in how good he looked. He looked happy and healthy, had this glow about him and that’s all you ever wanted for him, was for him to be well. Matty grinned at your compliment before shaking his head, laughing as his curls fell in front of his eyes.

When he finally looked back up at you, you noticed the crinkle in the corner of his eyes were still prominent in his features when he laughed and this overwhelming feeling appeared heavy in your chest. A soft tingle rushed up your face, through your nose and prickling at your eyes. You didn’t want to cry but the softness of his face made the nostalgia wave over you so strongly that you didn’t know if you could keep composure for much longer if he didn’t say anything.

“Shit sweetheart! So do you! Sensational!”  

Matty’s words made you laugh, that feeling instantaneously washing away as you both laughed with each other for the first time again. Tentatively he took a step closer towards you. Opening his arms almost awkwardly gesturing for a hug as if he was unsure you would. You immediately stepping into his arms; his finding their way around your waist as yours naturally found theirs around his neck. 

His body felt warm against yours; hands pressed flat against your back, his curls tickling the side of his face as you curled up against his neck, squeezing him that little bit tighter as he attempted to step back and trapping him in your arms for a little longer. The smell of cigarette smoke and his signature aftershave the same after all this time, invaded your senses, making you relax into him. The pressure on your waist automatically tightened as he reciprocated your affection before you both finally took steps to move away from one another before it got awkward.

“It was really good to see you sweetheart.” Matty smiled; shoving his hands into his coat pockets. You noticed him shuffling his feet awkwardly, unsure of why he seemed nervous. It was just you. “But I’ve got to…”  He gestured in the direction Adam had left. “It’s a work thing. But I’ll message you.”

Nodding, you assumed after he pressed a messy kiss to your cheek and was jogging off after his band mate, that you probably wouldn’t hear from your rockstar again. But the notification from trumanblack not a hour later that just said ‘Call me x’ and his number had stupid butterflies swimming in your stomach that maybe if anything you’d be able to make things right with him, even if it just meant he was apart of your life.

That was eighteen months ago. It was now Spring of 2021 and I think it was fair to say you were fully submerged back into The 1975’s world. There were times when you could see the jealousy swimming through his brown eyes when you hung out with the other members of the band. Laughter echoing around whatever room you were in as your laugh intertwined with Ross’ infectious giggle.

Jealousy that this time around, your attention wasn’t solely focused on him. Which lets be honest a decade ago, the two of you were completely infatuated with one another. You were friendly with the boys but your entire world was Matty and Matty you. You can’t believe you missed out on this type of love that the boys were giving you. George was happy to have someone to entertain his horrendous dad jokes. Adam to have meaningful life talks with. Ross to go to when work was stressing you out, he always knew what to say to ease your mind. He had quickly become your best friend. All of them happy to have someone on their side to help wind Matty up!

You don’t even know what you and Matty were. Not long after you were reunited, the boys headed off on their American tour and you spent every night speaking to Matty over FaceTime once he got in from the gig. It was always middle of the night/early morning for you and after a certain amount of calls, you didn’t care what you looked like anymore.

Your conversations always ranged from what the tour was like, travelling, stupid things the boys had done whilst on the road to your work, missing him, him missing you, missing home and his mum and just wanting a good cup of tea. He of course was naughty as always and sometimes you found yourself wearing less and less just because you could and if he could tease so could you.

Yet once they returned home and they headed out on their UK tour, you found yourself working remotely and tagging along. This was everything you had dreamed of for him and it made your heart ache with so much joy you weren’t sure if it was pure happiness for them or you were slipping into the nostalgic feeling of being around him 24/7.

Then covid hit the world and you were forced apart again. You were currently living alone since your ex had moved out of your apartment six months prior but by some sort of miracle your neighbour one street over happened to be one Ross MacDonald. Him and his housemates so graciously offering you to move into their spare room for the next few months. Living with Ross felt like a better idea for your sanity than entertaining the idea of Matty if he had got in there before him, somehow you knew you had made the right decision.

Ross MacDonald was a fantastic housemate plus knowing it meant Ross had someone on his side when ganging up on Matty was worth it on its own. You lived for that shit! You and Ross also made a great team during your weekly zoom quizzes, having coming top of the leaderboard almost every time much to Matty’s dismay. Him proclaiming the two of you were clearly cheating on more than one occasion, which only made you laugh harder, the more he continued to rant. There is one thing you should know and that is Matthew Healy is a sore loser! This of course always goes down well with the rest of the band when he throws a strop like the man child that he is! 

Matty on the other hand wasn’t impressed by the speed in which your relationship with his bassist was forming. 

“You moved in quicker with Ross than you did me!”

“We never lived together Healy!”  You laughed at his pouting through the phone.

“Exactly!”

“To be fair mate. You were kind of a nightmare to live with back in the day!”  Ross’ voice could be heard from the other side of the living room.

“I don’t like that you two gang up on me!”

“Stop pouting at me!”  You laughed loudly at him, “To be fair to him, the rate in which we were going ten years ago. If we lived with each other. We would have killed each other and I’d hate to be the person to have deprived the world of your talent.”  You tried to soften the blow a little with a compliment.

“Yeah.” Matty sighed, before shooting you a soft smile. “Thanks sweetheart. Can’t wait to see you.”

The softness in his voice, made your heart burst and you hated how you knew how this was going to end up. “Me too babe. Me too.”

“Plus I need to make up for lost time.”

“What do you mean?”

“I need to accumulate the same amount of hours you’ve spent with Ross once we’re allowed out of the house.”

“You’re ridiculous. You know that right?”

“So I’ve been told! But you love me anyway!”

“Sure. Whatever makes you sleep better at night Healy!”

You laughed at the dramatic gasp of horror from the man on the opposite side of the phone. A roll of eyes definitely happened from both you and Ross who was drinking a cup of coffee on the other end of the couch.

That was a year ago. You were currently in the studio with him and George, just quietly watching them work. Adam and Ross long gone and happily tucked up in bed and you were currently falling asleep on the sofa and being held hostage by their lead singer. George threw you a sympathetic smile over his shoulder as you struggled to keep your eyes open, nudging his mate and gesturing towards your slumped frame.

Immediately standing up; Matty made his way over to you, kneeling down next to you and brushing your hair behind your ear so softly. That if you were actually awake, you would have leaned into his touch but you were completely wiped out. “Lets get you home sweetheart.” His voice soft as he pulled you up and he dragged you gently out of the studio and into his car, George’s goodbye muffled by your sleepy brain as he headed towards his own car further down the street.

Matty drove to his, your shit already there and tucked by the side of the bed in his spare room, despite the fact the past two days you had fallen asleep curled up next to him as you watched documentaries in bed together. You still don’t know what you were because friends don’t continue to sleep in the same bed with one another and not go any further than that. Scientifically impossible especially with the history the two of you had, a tension of the sexual kind always tethering the two of you together, no matter who was around, you always toed that line. 

That was all about to change.

When you woke up the next morning, Matty’s face in your neck, hands up the t-shirt you were wearing for bed, body wrapped around you as he spooned you from behind. The kiss he pressed to the back of your neck before moving away was enough to stir you from your sleep to search for him again in the sheets. Rolling over; you slotted into his side seamlessly, foot automatically intruding between his legs as your leg draped over the top of his waist.

“Don’t want to go to work. Tell the boys you’re not well. I’ll ring in sick.”  

You mumbled into his neck. His skin vibrated against your lips, his chuckles dying quickly in his throat as you pressed kisses to the upside of his jaw. Leaning down slowly he caught your lips between his own, neither of you bothered by whatever morning breath you may have, having seen each other in worse states than this. 

Matty’s hands moved from your face, dancing down your body as you tugged at his curls. Hands grabbing at the globes of your ass roughly as you kissed lazily in the morning light that was seeping through the curtains. Time was not a concept for either of you as you made out like a pair of love struck teenagers. You had gone nine years without him and now you didn’t want to let him go now you had leapt over that line.

A particular tug of his curls had him moaning into your mouth as he squeezed you against him, your ass firmly between his hands as you straddled him. “Babe gonna have to piss. Sorry.”  He mumbled against your lips, before wiggling out from beneath you. The both of you yawning as you both stretched properly for the first time that morning. “Maybe coffee too. Shit I’m tired as balls. Come on sweetheart.” He held out his hand for you take, finally leaving the confines of his bedroom.

Coffee brewed, breakfast eaten and teeth brushed. You and Matty happily trudged back to his bed after you called in sick to work and Matty text George some bullshit excuse as to why he wasn’t going to the studio today. The pair of you continuing to make out like horny teenagers until your lips were swollen and you were desperate to be under him and your wish was about to come true.

The hum of contentment left your mouth as Matty’s hands bunched up his shirt you had slept in the night before, soft kisses making their way down your stomach until he reached the top of your lacy knickers. Thank fuck for always thinking a head, you’d pat yourself on the back later for that one. Matty continued to press kisses to both of your hips before continuing his assault everywhere but where you wanted him to.

Looking down at him, Matty leant against the inside of your thigh, his eyes swimming with permission and when he looked like that between your legs, you’d happily give him anything he wanted. “Please.” You managed to whimper as his fingers tucked underneath the lace and dragging them down your legs quicker than you anticipated.

Matty held your legs apart as he looked up at you, hearts appearing in his eyes as he looked up at your heaving chest before delving in. Fingers wrapping around his curls, you couldn’t help but tighten your grip as his tongue swept through your folds to lick at your clit before sucking it into his mouth. Your back arching into his touch as he devoured you,  the pornographic moans you let out as he lapped up your mess enough to make him cum in his pants like a teenager.

“Fuck how have you got better at this?” You moaned; throwing your head back into the pillow as you groaned at his ministrations as he mouthed at your pussy. “Jesus fuck! That’s good!”

“Loads of practice.” He hummed against you, a soft kiss to your inner thigh before running his tongue over you again, before pressing his middle and index fingers into you too and pressing against that spot he loved so much.

“Don’t want to hear about other girls Healy.” You huffed, just as he sucked your clit into his mouth again, causing you to groan loudly. “Fuck going to cum.”

The grip you had on Matty’s hair was impossibly tight, the feeling of your nails indenting into the palm of your hand proof of that as your legs started to shake either side of his head. Matty doubled down on his efforts as you started to tingle all over, his fingers rapidly moving in you had the brunette holding your hips down as you started to gyrate against his mouth in a hurried effort to cum for him.

When you finally did, it felt like you were cumming forever. Your legs still shaking as Matty slowly made his way up towards your face, pressing kisses in the wake of his path before pressing a deep kiss to your lips. The taste of yourself now on your tongue making you hum as you pulled him closer.

“Could fucking stay between your legs forever baby.”

“I’d let you. That was fucking good Healy.”

“Hmmm.” Matty hummed into your neck, as he pressed delicate kisses to your skin as you ran your fingers through his hair. “Ringing in sick, best idea ever.”

After that; you too couldn’t keep your hands off you. You had opened the floodgates and you were never not having sex of some sorts. It was constant which was saying something because when you were both in your early twenties the two of you were at it like rabbits! 

Now that the two of you seemed to have established that you wanted to be with each other, life seemed to fall into place so easily. You went to work during the day, working with high end clients in the law firm you worked at and being a bad ass bitch by day and went home and fucked your sexy, talented ass man when you got home and hung out with the other boys in the studio at the weekend/days off. You couldn’t complain really and neither could they when apparently Matty was tuning out material so good, that George claimed that he was just playing him a song that was an old classic and not something new.

You had already become a constant within the boys’ lives at this point but it was when you were chilling in the studio, draped across the sofa and atop of both Ross and George as Matty faffed about at the sound board with one of their sound technicians that you realised you were all way too comfortable around each other.

The sound technician had been out of the room all of two seconds before he was sending you a suggestive look from the spinning chair he was currently occupying. His eyes drifted from you to his crotch and back again, raising an eyebrow to challenge you. But you weren’t playing these games today. You knew you were falling for him, 99% sure you already had and there wasn’t anything you wouldn’t do for the stupid fucker. But you wouldn’t play these games in front of the lads.

“No.” You tilted your head up from where it was leaning against George’s leg, to shoot your boyfriend a look.

“Why not?”

“Babe I’m not sucking your dick when the boys are here. Don’t be gross!” 

“Baaabe” He whined dramatically at you.

“Yeah. I object to that sort of behaviour.” Ross piped up from the other end of the sofa with a chuckle.

“I love you both but I don’t want to see your dick mate.” Adam looked up from his guitar in the corner.

“Agreed, we put up with a lot of shit but do I want to see your dick in our sweet innocent friend’s mouth. No.” George joked from above you. You pinched his thigh much to his annoyance, hitting you with his flailing arms in reflex to your assault.

“Your dick is practically in her mouth now. Shut up! Come on baby, let’s quickly sneak out.”

Your boyfriend’s unfiltered mouth, seemed to think he was funny. But his joke didn’t settle with any of you the way he thought it would. Especially you and George and it was the first time you made an effort to sit up and move away from the friendly giant you called your mate. As the awkwardness settled between the five of you, you quickly dropped your legs from Ross’ lap too and sat up. 

The atmosphere in the room had quickly shifted and you made an excuse to make a “work call” and left the room.

That was the first disagreement you had with Matty since you had gotten back together. You were up for a dick joke as much as the next lass but making you the butt of the joke like you were some type of slut was where you drew the line. 

Although to give Matty’s his dues, he let you talk it out with him after giving you the space you needed. He apologised immediately and promised he’d not slut you up in front of the boys again. Which if it had happened ten years ago, you would have screamed about him being “such a boy” and how he would have screamed about “how you just don’t get his humour and to get over yourself.”

“I’m sorry baby. I forget I don’t have a filter sometimes. Won’t happen again.”  He pressed a soft kiss to your lips, hands draped around your waist. “I’ve never been this happy. This is the happiest I’ve ever been and it’s all because of you sweetheart. Don’t want to mess this up.”

“I know baby.”  You kissed him back harder than before, twirling his curls around his fingers before pecking your lips against his over and over again, just wanting to be close to him. If you could see yourselves, you’d hate the two of you. “You won’t, I know you won't.” You whispered against the side if his neck, as you mouthed at his jaw and pulling a groan from him as you pressed just underneath his ear.

“I fucking love you sweetheart.”

You felt like your heart stopped as his words entered your ears, his forehead resting against yours as he pressed you up against the wall.

“Yeah?”  Matty nodded. “I fucking love you too Healy!”  You grinned.

Matty pressed you further into the wall, kissing you so deeply you thought you’d go through it. The moan you tried to suppress as you felt his thigh press between your own echoed through the corridor in the studio and it was only when you realised where you were, your mates just on other side of the wall. Had you pulling aways as sense invaded your brain.

“I love you but not here. When we’re home.”  You laughed at his pout.

“Only because I love you so much. Don’t think I ever really stopped to be honest.” 

Matty had the nerve to look demure as he said it but the giddiness as he bounced on the balls of his feet, you knew he was anything but as he looked like he was ready to burst. You rolled your eyes as you know what he wanted but you sent him a soft smile all the same. God you were down bad for the silly fucker!

“You can tell the boys! Go!” You shoved him playfully. Your laugh reverberated around the hall as he pressed a kiss to your mouth once more before running back towards the room you had both disappeared from. “She fucking loves me mate!”  You heard him shout as he burst through the studio door.

Not far behind him, you stopped to lean against the door frame as he bounced around the room. The boys patting him on the back with smiles equally as big as they voiced their congratulations. 

“We know!”  Ross cackled, rolling his eyes when he spotted you.

“Fuck knows why! You’re a pain the arse!” George smirked, pulling his best mate into a tight hug.

“I’m happy for you both.”  Adam spoke from his corner, a bright smile on his face as he nodded at you in the doorway. Adam had this all knowing look on his face, having been there the moment you reunited. You think he always knew deep down, this was where it was heading. You both loved hard and fast, he saw it first hand ten years ago and had seen how happy his best mate had been just by having you in his life again. He knew there was no way you weren’t going to realise that the two of you were meant to be.

Your boy turned to look at you. Leant against the doorframe, arms folded across your chest and the softest look on your face as you watched his energy bounce off everything he touched, it was so infectious that you couldn’t help but feel your eyes gloss over. The overwhelming feeling of love hitting you square in the chest as the four of them teased one another. Teased Matty for being soft. You caught each others eyes, Matty beaming as he took you in.

A chance meeting at a wedding ten years ago. A fleeting love affair. Nine years apart. 

A chance reunion between an international rockstar and the one who got away.

Yeah you were fucking so down for this man.

He was your person.

[perryavenue]

rainjoy Has A New Post. It's Personal

rainjoy is one of my favorite Klaine fanfic authors. Their first Klaine fanfic was published on LiveJournal in 2011, their last in 2021. Health issues have become more intense over time. Their most famous works, All The Other Ghosts and Grey, were published in 2012 and 2013. So those who've joined the fandom fairly recently may not even know about their other fics, the most recent one being from 2021. rainjoy has written Klaine in every genre: high school!Klaine, college!Klaine, married!Klaine, supernatural!Klaine, fantasy!Klaine, and even superhero!Klaine.

Here is a link to rainjoy's works on Live Journal

Here's a link for Dreamwidth

I hope that you'll help boost it by re-blogging. Thanks in advance, @klaineccfanficlibrary and @todaydreambelieversfic

This is rainjoy's post from today (October 27, 2023).

"Hello, I’m still alive.

Hello, I do mean it, hello anybody around to see this, I really hope you’ve been well, I’m sorry I haven’t been around, I *haven’t* been well. But I have, over a course of fucking months, actually written something, so I’m writing *this* here so I don’t need to leave a novel-length author’s note on it, as some kind of explanation of where I’ve been.

Largely, I’ve been in bed, I’m likely going there again after posting this, they need to invent new words for how tired I am so much of the time, my upgraded wheelchair is worth about as much as my *laptop*, my life revolves around Can I? Probably not. and lots and lots and lots of ‘resting’. I’ve not been well, but please don’t worry, I’ve not been unhappy. This is the golden age of being ill, the sheer quantity of stuff out there to amuse the bedbound – I have books and podcasts, all of Netflix, I practically live on Sky: Children of the Light, when I’m too dopey even for that I have Animal Crossing, when I am genuinely such a puddle of not-human lethargy that all I need is for time to pass until I feel just slightly better again I have videos of other people playing video games on YouTube and I’m sorry my darling baby moths I will pick you up and help you every single time but it will never not be funny watching someone go through Eden for the first time on YouTube, it just never will not make me laugh, oh my gods I’m so *sorry* my loves <3

So anyway, there’s all that, that’s where I’ve been, life really does not work out the way you planned it to, huh? Because outside of my bed, I know I have messages and emails and someone got a tattoo?? You got a tattoo and I’m just really sorry I haven’t been in touch, my energy has to be paid out like a miser, if I want to wash my hair then wow the world is really not getting anything else out of me, you know? But I am still here, and I do still love the things I love. I still think all of it is worth it. I think the world is a *lot* of fun, though I bear in mind that still, and always, we live through very frightening and distressing times. Which actually makes me think we need to cling to the things we love *more*, not less, love makes better people of us, when we let it.

So I did watch the new season of Good Omens when it came out, and safe to say I was not impressed, but it did jog in me the memory that didn’t I write a sequel to it? Yes I did, and it involved *all* that blood. But I reread it – it’s like reading a stranger’s writing after so long – and that jogged the memory: Didn’t you start a sequel to *this*?

Yes I did! Two thirds written, actually, hurrah for my past self. The last third took, I don’t know, when did the new season come out, it took that long. I used to sneeze out this sort of thing. This, now, is getting at my arms, it’ll be another lie down soon. But anyway, the point of all this: I live yet. In the next few days I *hope* I will be formatting and posting a sequel to But Thou Readst Black because of course everyone wants *that* back in their heads again, my gods. And I hope hope hope you’ve been well, I do think of people while I’m stuck doing nothing but pooling my brain out of my ears on YouTube. Look after yourselves, take care of each other, my gods you tattooed yourself I mean more power to you but it alarms me when things I make turn out to be *permanent*, you know? It feels like I barely touch the world anymore, my circumference has become so small, but it makes the world seem only more precious. Take good care of it, and of yourself as part of it. And very, very much love, to anyone remaining to see this, much love <3"

[krikeymate]

Last Christmas

Happy Christmas friends, have a good holiday.

2010

Christmas is quiet.

It used to be the one time of the year everyone would be together, and here. The one time when they felt like a real family, cracks wrapped in tinsel and smoothed over with smiles and sweets and pretty decorations.

The knowledge that they’ll never be whole again, that Sam had been the one to dig her fingers into the hole and pull and pull and pull, until it became a fissure – unignorable, unnavigable, damage that runs from the very top of their home, their family, and right down to the very foundations – leaves her bedbound.

Sam’s been lying here for days, crying until she’s hoarse and empty, unable to leave the safety of the nest she’s made, hidden away in the dark.

She wants to be left alone to rot. To be buried under an endless Winter. She can’t bear to face the world anymore; her mother, the truth. The knowledge of who she is, something rancid, something destructive, just like- just like… her father. It leaves her paralysed, desperate to disappear. To fall asleep and never wake up.

The thought shocks her. Like the crack of light that still slips past the door, like the small arms that still wind their way around her waist.

That thought is the first time Sam ever remembers being scared of herself.

It doesn’t get better from there.

2011

There’s a part of Tara that expected – hoped – that things could go back to normal. As close to normal as they could get.

Sam could see it in her eyes.

She had no idea yet just how broken everything was. She hadn’t learned just how cold and empty the world really was.

Sam couldn’t bear to be the one to extinguish that light in her baby sister’s eyes, so she closed the door instead.

Shut it in her face and walked away, disappeared into the night so she didn’t have to be the one to teach her that lesson.

Let her learn it on her own, where no one has to see her break.

It’s for the best.

It’s for the best.

She chants it to herself like a mantra.

She tells herself that Tara will be thankful for it one day.

Thankful that the devil turned away, broke her so she could come back stronger.

You can’t rely on anyone in this world. Not mothers, or fathers… or sisters.

Sam wanders, shoulders hunched and hood down, ignoring the suspicious stares from the passersby.

There’s a part of her that fears that they know, that they suspect.

She’s not entirely wrong.

Everyone’s a suspect these days, ever since… well.

If one fame-hungry youth can don a mask, why not another? Why not the blood of the one who started it all?

She can’t bear to be out here, to be acknowledged. She can’t bear to be at home, her mother’s knowing eyes, her sister’s tears.

She can’t- she just can’t.

So she stumbles down streets that grow dimmer and dimmer the further she walks, until she’s the other side of town and staring down salvation. It shimmers up at her from the bottom of a bottle.

She realises that night that she’s just like her mother, under a sticky tongue and warm hands around her waist.

She hopes that it means she can’t be like her father.

She hopes it means Tara will be like hers, and run, run far away from her, and never return.

2012

Tara’s finally starting to get the message.

Of course Sam goes and fucks up all that progress. She just couldn’t help herself. It’s what she does now, make everything harder.

She’d been thinking about it since school started up again. Mom had forgotten to pay for the bus, so now they had to walk.

Sam doesn’t care. The longer the journey takes, the longer she’s out of that house. But Tara… It’s impossible to ignore the wheezing and laboured breaths.

Tara’s not made for long walks, and while Sam pretends not to notice, she agonises inside.

She hadn’t thought there was more of her to break. Yet she does; watching her suffer, and the way Tara keeps it to herself, knowing she can’t rely on her big sister to help her anymore.

Sam hates herself for it.

So when she sees the bike dumped on the side of the road, a ‘free to a good home’ sign taped to the handlebars, how could she do anything but take it?

As she hoses down the grimy thing, pale pink peeking out from beneath mud and dust and dirt, Sam realises that she’ll always be a big sister, that she’ll never be able to stop looking out for Tara.

The thought is unsettling.

She kneels down to scrub at the rusty chain anyway. She just can’t help herself.

2013

Sam spends Christmas in a jail cell.

It’s not the first time she’s been arrested. It’s not the first time she’s had to swallow down guilt at Hicks’ disappointed and tired face.

It’s the first time she’s looked so angry through.

Sam doesn’t remember what she’d taken at that party, but she knows she wishes she’d taken more of it.

It hadn’t been enough to drown out the thoughts, the feelings.

It was supposed to drown out the feelings. They’d promised.

The anger at her mother. The guilt at every sad face. The longing to hold her sister. The fear, the ever-rising fear, of who she’s becoming.

She just wants it to stop.

She’d do anything to make it stop.

2014

The year kind of passes in a blur. Sam doesn’t really remember much of it.

She wakes up in a hospital on Christmas morning, her stomach freshly pumped, and her mother’s furious face in the doorway.

It’s been a while since she’s seen her, a few months at least. She’d kind of been hoping she was dead.

Christina screams at her.

She’d said that part out loud. Oops.

While her mother rages, Sam realises there’s a part of her that just doesn’t care anymore. It feels a bit like a victory, until the moment she mentions Tara.

The win sours.

2015

Tara turns 13 quietly, as she did when she turned 12, and 11, and 10. And every year before that.

Sam stares at the stars, a heaving duffle bag at her feet, and thinks back to the time she wished Tara would be the one to run away.

How selfish of her.

That’s what people say. Selfish Sam. Always causing trouble, ruining everything.

This is her sister’s birthday gift. Sam leaves tonight. She’ll never have to spend another Christmas wishing Sam was there, because she’ll never be there again.

She won’t string Tara along any longer. Sam makes that decision tonight, to cut the cord that binds them together. Let it never be stained red, let Sam never pull Tara to her doom.

With one last lingering look at the Woodsboro sky, Sam turns away. She’ll see those stars again, but it’ll never be the same.

One day she might see her sister again, but it’ll never be the same.

2016

Sam hasn’t spent a Christmas at home in forever, but this year is the first that feels that way. It hits her, that December 14th, just how far away she truly is.

Music thumps around her like a heartbeat, like a womb, encasing her, surrounding her. Suffocating her.

She should be with her family, but Sam has no family.

Only strangers.

Just like her, with nowhere else to be, no one else to be with.

Broken people congregating together.

Sam doesn’t know who she is anymore, doesn’t recognise the girl staring back at her.

When she’s offered a little something – to forget – how could she say no?

It makes the world a little brighter. She forgets herself for a little while, forgets the sister she left behind, forgets the date, forgets who she is.

And when it fades in the morning, she goes back for more.

2017

Today’s party is just one of many. She only learns the day when she’s shoved into a huddle and a shot glass slipped into her hand.

Oh, so that’s what they’d been celebrating.

Not that it matters.

Christmas means nothing to her anymore. Just bitter memories to match the taste on her tongue. She takes another drink.

Fuck Christmas.

Fuck families and presents and- and… and little angels who make the world worth living.

That’s not Sam’s world, not anymore. Maybe it never was.

The garden of Eden is no place for a snake.

Sam takes another drink.

Fuck Christmas.

2018

Sam lies on a dirty mattress, blood alight in her body, and dreams wide awake of a better life. She smiles as she thinks of the life she was going to have.

One far away from here, with no needle in her arm or in a room full of squatters. A big house, a pretty tree with presents underneath, her sister grinning up at her. They’d never be hungry or cold or want for anything.

Sam closes her eyes and hopes she never wakes up.

2019

She finds herself endlessly shivering. She doesn’t bother trying to turn on the heat, it wouldn’t make a difference, except to her wallet.

Let her freeze to death, maybe that’s her fate. Maybe that’s what she deserves.

Let her suffer. She bought this upon herself.

Sam doesn’t know why she’s trying to get sober. To really get sober, to clean herself up. She has nothing to live for, nothing to look forward to.

There’s just her, alone, with the voices in her head. The monster that’s clung to her dirty soul and taken root.

Sam wants it to stop.

But the drugs don’t help anymore, and the drink numbs not a thing.

So now she’s trying something new.

She’s asking for help.

She wishes she’d asked for help sooner, before she’d lost everything she lived for.

2020

It’s quiet.

It’s been so long since things have been quiet.

New medication sits heavily in her stomach, anxiety making it churn. Her head has been silent so far, the only voice her own since she started taking them, but the fear never leaves her.

There’s a part of her that knows it’s only temporary.

It all feels temporary.

The apartment, the job, the sparkling water she chugs every time she longs for a drink.

How could it last? Nothing good ever does.

She watches the snow fall from the window ledge, and waits for the world to fall apart all over again, waits for the inevitable fuck up to come and throw her from her feet once again.

But until that moment, she’ll rest her head on the glass and remember bright brown eyes and rosy cheeks, and laughter that lives in her soul.

If she closes her eyes, she can pretend she’s still there.

She wishes she was still there.

2021

Sam sits in a dark apartment, Christmas movies playing on the tv.

She’s long since tuned it out, the speakers nothing but background noise to her aching heart.

She feels so much older than 24. It feels so much longer than 5 years since she’s seen her sister.

She feels so tired.

Tired of waiting for things to change. She doesn’t even know what she’s waiting for anymore. A sign, perhaps. That she’s not who she fears she is, that she hasn’t ruined her life. That Tara might still want her.

Her phone shakes in her hand, her eternally-baby sister’s angelic face lighting up the screen.

Every year Tara calls.

Every year, Sam can’t bring herself to answer.

She doesn’t have the strength to deny herself. She’s an addict. If she gives in, she’ll never stop.

If she answers, she’ll go home.

If she goes home, Tara dies.

The phone falls silent once again.

2022

It should have been impossible to miss Christmas, to forget about it, yet somehow, she – they – do.

Sam really doesn’t know how it happened.

The decorations, the music, the advertisements everywhere. She misses it all, doesn’t pay it a lick of attention.

Her entire focus is on her healing sister, the world around them nothing but a blur.

She’s shocked when Martha drops by with a dinner for the both of them, and cookies to boot. It’s how she gets the jump on her, and Sam feels the love of a mother for the first time since she was a child, warm arms wrapping around her and whispering sweet words of praise.

Sam blames the tears that form on the cold winter air.

For a moment Sam feels over a decade younger, her exhausted bones untouched by the horrors of the world.

When Tara hobbles downstairs and goes straight for the cookies, the world beings to feel right once more.

2023

Sam had seven hours.

That was long enough, right? Right?

It had to be.

It was T-minus less than two weeks till Christmas, and Tara still hadn’t said a thing. Sam had been waiting, waiting for her to bring it up - to mention gifts, to suggest decorating, to- to complain about the Christmas music everywhere! Anything. She’d been waiting for any sort of acknowledgement at all.

It hadn’t happened.

Even the twins had been avoiding the subject, oddly tentative with more consideration than they usually held. Well, Mindy anyway. The closest reference to Christmas had been Chad carefully mentioning last week that they had planned to go home, for the break, if we had wanted to join them.

While Sam had been holding her breath, Tara had barely blinked, not lifting her eyes from her paper and continuing with her essay, mumbling I’m good thanks back at him.

That’s when Sam realised that nothing was going to happen if she didn’t make it happen.

So here she was, making it happen.

She’d sent Tara off to her final exam of the year with a “happy birthday, love,” a homemade lunch, and a kiss on the cheek. And the twins off with a secret mission of keep Tara busy and celebrate her birthday.

They were going to celebrate Christmas for the first time in over a decade even if it killed her.

And with how hard it was to get the tree up all those stairs, it may still kill her yet.

Sam faces the Christmas markets with the countenance of a freshly-uniformed soldier going to war, but she does it for love, and returns victorious with a bounty of decorations in every colour. More decorations than they could ever need, given their tiny apartment, but no less than Tara deserves.  

Sam has so much to make up for.

The lost years sit heavy in her chest.

The guilt.

She swallows it all away, tongue fizzing beneath the sparkling water.

Her therapist says she needs to let go of the past, to look forward, to focus on the present.

It’s easy when Tara is by her side, how could Sam fall apart with her near? But every time she leaves, it’s like a part of Sam goes with her.

But Tara will be back in- Shit. Presents. She’s still got to sort out presents.

Buying gifts is the easiest – and the hardest – thing in the world.

Chad and Mindy are easy to buy for, video games and true crime novels and horror movies are aplenty, and worth it, even if it means she’ll have to listen to them talk her ear off about them later.

And Tara, Tara’s so easy to buy for. Well, she’s hard to buy for, but Sam would buy her anything. Give her anything. Anything, everything.

Ok, so buying a gift for Tara was a little harder than she expected. After all, she’d already bought her everything she’s ever shown the slightest interest in.

Shit, why does Sam always make things harder for herself?

Sam’s close to tears by the time she gets a on our way back text from Chad. She’d returned home empty handed an hour ago and frantically scoured the internet, turned the house upside down, considered texting their mother. All for a single idea.

Then her hand smacks against a diary.

Sam’s diary.

And she knows she has the perfect gift.

Sometimes – often – Sam forgets where she is when she wakes. Years of sleeping on stranger’s couches and in cars, motels and in doorways; she never really knew where she would wake up, whether it was safe.

She’d learnt to assess the situation before her memories kicked in, before she was truly awake.

It’s not a habit easily broken.

For a moment, Sam forgets where she is, and who she is, and when she is.

She feels the cold nose on her neck and heartbeat against hers, Christmas music on the radio and chilly toes escaping the covers, and briefly wonders whether mom is going to make pancakes or waffles for breakfast, prepares herself for dad to barge in in that stupid santa suit.

Then she remembers.

She has no father, no mother. Those days are long since gone.

But Tara is still here.

Sam can’t help but smile.

She could lose everything, but so long as she still has her sister, that’s all she needs.

“Tara!” Sam nudges her sister off her, rolling them over. “Tara, wake up!”

The girl groans, arm flopping over her eyes. “Saaammm,” she whines. “It’s too early.”

Sam can’t help but bounce a little as she pushes at Tara’s shoulders. “It’s Christmas! Wake up!”

The scowl that her sister sends her only makes her smile grow. She recalls all the years of small knees digging into her stomach at 6am, pouting lips and desperate enthusiasm, begging her to get up so she can open her presents.

For the first time in so long, Sam feels young again.

“Taaarrraaa,” she whines back, collapsing onto the smaller girl. “Get up and make waffles with me!”

Tara’s hand slaps down gently on the back of Sam’s head. “You’re a nightmare,” she mumbles with a small smile. “Can’t believe you woke me up at-” she glances to the side, “7.30. Eugh.”

“It’s Christmas,” Sam says, looking up with a grin.

“It’s Christmas,” Tara agrees, grinning back.

Sam’s eyes soften. “Merry Christmas Tara,” she whispers, dropping a kiss to her neck.

Small arms wrap around her waist. “Merry Christmas Sam.”

[definedbydaylight]

“It’ll Be The Last Time” - Matty Healy x F!Reader

Part 2:

Masterlist: .°˖✧

Word Count: 2132

Warnings: angst-ish, smoking, alcohol, drugs and semi-smutty?, mostly just mentions of it, also i promise this is a Matty fic i just love George so i can’t help but add some love for him in there

Series Summary: “You’ve known Matty since you were 14 and the boy has never failed to get on your last nerve, but over the years you two end up having unexplainable moments where you can’t help but feel you two are connected in a way you’ll never feel with anyone else, until one night he tells you something that may change how you view the boy forever…”

January 13th 2011

Today is finally the day, your debut album is coming out and you should be over the moon, you should be enjoying being out with your friends celebrating, but instead all you can think about is the words Matty spoke to you last summer. You hadn’t really spoken to him since, you’d been out with all the boys since then, you really couldn’t avoid it cause somehow Kelsey and Ross were still going strong all these years later, so you’d seen Matty, you just hadn’t spoken to him past a simple greeting. The club you were at was hosting a release party for you, a small area roped off for just your group, your manager had set everything up as a surprise, you would’ve been fine with a small listening party in your flat, but Kelsey insisted you go along with the idea and enjoy your big day. Honestly she was probably more excited for the release than you were, she’d been planning your outfit for the last week, acting as if it was your wedding day.

The situation at hand felt all too familiar to you, the fact that she’d picked you out a green dress to wear only added onto the nostalgic feeling, but you could never say no to her. You’re currently downing your third dirty shirley of the night, you were over an hour into the party and there was still another 45 minutes before the album dropped and your sad music would be blaring through this club, you almost left bad for the people who came out here who didn’t know what they were about to be subjected to. George and Adam are the first of the boys to arrive besides Ross who’d come early with you and Kels, they walk over to your chosen spot in a booth in the far corner of your section, they both greet you with a hug.

“Don’t look too happy about beating us to an album now y/n!” George jokes to you.

“Oh please we all knew she’d be the first.” Adam nudges your arm. “But for real love what’s with the sulking in the corner? It looks like it’s Kels’s release party!”

All three of you look to Ross and Kelsey dancing together to whatever upbeat club song was playing at the moment, the instrumental far too loud and drowning out any words that would help you identify it, you give a small laugh.

“Just preparing myself for the world to either hate it or love it I guess, I’m ungodly nervous.” You admit to the two.

“Oh please y/n/n! ‘With Your Permission’ is going to smash, every song is a fucking tune and you know it!” George had always been the most encouraging about your music dreams.

“Everyone’s a critic though.” You reply slamming back the rest of your drink, when you look back up you see Matty entering with his girl of the week on his arm. “I need a shot! George care to join me?”

He smiles and follows you back up to the bar, you can’t see but you feel Matty’s eyes following you both as George snakes his arm around your waist guiding you through the crowd.

“4 shots of Tequila please.” You smile kindly at the bartender as he prepares the liquor for you both.

“Any particular reason for the excessive alcohol consumption?” George teases you as the shots are set in front you both.

“Killing the nerves babes.” You smile at him, it’s only a partial lie, you were trying to drown your nerves in alcohol, but it wasn’t about critics or ratings, it was about his best mate who’d drunkenly confessed his love for her just barely 5 months ago now.

“Good enough for me.” He kisses your forehead and you both shoot back two shots in each in quick succession.

Afterwards your eyes find Matty’s and you can’t read his expression like you usually could… it was going to be a long night.

2006:

George and you and had been off and on since the dance, you weren’t really official in the dating sense, but when you both got horny or felt like being romantic you knew exactly who to go to. No one in the group questioned it, you were teenagers and you had sworn to Kelsey about a thousand times that you didn’t want anything serious and she trusted your decisions. The only person who took issue with it was Matty for now obvious reasons, he never really said it but his body language and snide comments told you enough about how he felt. Especially now as you were currently sat on George’s lap at another one of your school mate Josh’s parties, his hands on your waist and one of yours playing with the ends of his hair and the other holding a cider Ross had just brought you on his way back outside from the kitchen. Your whole group was gathered around a makeshift fire pit in the backyard, the heat from the flames keeping you all warm in the crappy early english spring, you were honestly surprised it hadn’t started raining yet as you stared at the dark clouds overhead.

“I’m bored!” Kelsey interrupts the comfortable silence you all’d built up, minus the muffled party music coming from inside the house. “Ooo! Let’s play a game!”

The group groans in unison at the suggestion, but when she breaks out the puppy dog eyes at Ross he’s quick to convince everyone to agree to a drinking game.

“What game do you even have in mind?” You ask your best friend wondering what she might have up her sleeve this time.

“Let’s do never had I ever! You say something you’ve never done, and if someone in the group as done it, they have to take a shot! Adam would you be a dear and go grab us a bottle of something and a few those little plastic shot glasses I saw in kitchen? I’d make Ross do it but he’s just got back from the last trip I sent him on.” And of course no one can say no to Kelsey, so Adam nods and is off to the house.

You all set up in a little circle on the patio beside the fire pit, you’d taken your spot next to George and somehow you’d ended up directly across from Matty on the other side of the circle, his stare held on you and he nursed one of his many smokes of the night. You and Matty hadn’t spoke of what happened at the dance since that night, you’d felt bad in a way about how you’d just left him there, but he knew you liked George, his best mate, and he’d still kissed you. Adam returned with two bottles, one apple sourz and a store brand tequila, a baggie of shot glasses under one arm, behind him trailed the host Josh and you and Kelsey’s school friend Maya.

“Hope you don’t mind but I brought along some randoms to make it more interesting.” Adam says as he hands everyone a shot glass and places the alcohol in the center of the circle.

The game started innocent enough with stupid and playful “Never Have I Ever”s, everyone had taken as least 2 shots at this point, and you were all definitely starting to feel the affects of the alcohol. George had made the mistake of getting on Matty’s nerves by using a very specific embarrassing example to get him to take a shot, and what happened next didn’t help.

“Okay! Ummm.” It was Maya’s turn, and she had no clue what flood gates she was about to open, and neither did you. “Never Have I Ever… had sex…” She admitted quietly.

Ross and Kelsey both took their shot expectantly, as did Matty, you felt your face heat up as your glanced to George at your side, he quirked his eyebrow up at you as you both smiled and threw back your shots together.

“Y/N L/N!” Kelsey shouts from other side the circle. “You dirty dog! Why didn’t you tell me!?” She faked being hurt as she placed a hand over her heart.

You put your face in your hands at the new found attention from the group and leaned over into George, he sweetly rubbed your back and laughed a little at your embarrassment, but you knew it wasn’t in a mean way. The one person you expected to make a comment hadn’t spoken up at all, just sat in silence with a small smirk on his lips, something brewing in his eyes. Josh’s turn was next, then Adam, and finally it was Matty’s turn.

“Hmmm…” He feigned being deep in thought about what he’d say. “Oh! I know! Never Have I Ever kissed my date’s best mate while at a school dance.”

Silence overtook the group after he spoke, your face stilled and your heartbeat quickened as you made eye contact with him.

“That is so weirdly specific.” Maya laughs not knowing the gravity of the situation.

“Well?” Matty speaks up again. “Go ahead and take your shot June Bug.”

Everyone’s eyes were on you again, but this time it wasn’t embarrassment you left it was anger, you held your gaze on him as you took your shot.

“My turn.” You say with heat behind your words that everyone could feel.

“Umm no it’s Kels-” Josh tried to speak up before Adam slapped a hand over his mouth.

“Never Have I Ever tried to throw my best mate under the bus by telling his date all he wants from her is a ‘good shag’ before telling her I’ve always cared about you more then kissed her without thinking about the repercussions of my actions.” It’s your turn smirk at him. “Go ahead Matty…” You say drawing it out. “Take your shot.”

George is quietly fuming beside you and his grin on your waist tightens as Matty grits his teeth and takes his shot, the tension in the air is so think you could cut it with a knife, and your just glad you can tell his anger isn’t directed at you, but at the curly headed brunette.

“Jesus Christ Matty.” George mutters as he rubs his temples with his free hand. “You know if I wasn’t drunk as shit right now I would break your fucking nose.”

“Damn Matty you did not think that through.” Josh laughs trying to lighten the mood and failing.

Kelsey is watching at you as you stand up and turn to George, a worried expression on her face. “Fancy yourself a ‘good shag’ babes?” You smile at him.

He looks up at you, smiling right back. “With you? Always.” You grab his hand as he stands up, you both pass Matty as you walk to the house, but George pauses for a moment and leans down to Matty’s ear. “She’s bloody fantastic in bed by the way.”

You both enter the house taking up residence in the master bath for some privacy, meanwhile outside Ross is handing Matty’s ass to him on platter. Only Adam knew the true nature of Matty’s feelings for you, Matty didn’t open up about how he felt about these kinds of things easily, only telling Adam after he’d gotten wasted at his after the dance. Matty truly did feel bad with how he’d handled telling you about how he felt, but tonight he was drunk and high and couldn’t stop himself from being an ass after learning the George had been the one to deflower you.

“Lay off him man.” Adam tried to to speak up and Ross whips his head towards him.

“Are you kidding me! He acted liked a child and practically decided to try and ruin his relationship with not only y/n but his best mate as well in the process!” He yells, he then redirects his attention back to Matty. “What we’re you thinking Matthew!?”

Matty sat in silence now, just taking everything Ross had to throw at him, at some point before now he’d reached for the apple sourz and began to down as much as he could, feeling every emotion and yet none all at the same time. Kelsey was rubbing Ross’s back trying to get him to calm down but it wasn’t working and she eventually gave up, going to sit between Josh and Maya, trying to process the events of what just happened and why you hadn’t told her.

After several more minutes of verbal abuse from the friendly giant Matty had finally had enough. “FUCK OFF ROSS, I’M BLOODY IN LOVE WITH HER! OKAY!?”

Silence overtook the group once again, everyone finding out the truth 4 years before you did.

Part 3

a/n: okay haha idk i just got into a rhythm while writing this so idk if it’s good cause my brain cannot handle trying to check it over rn cause i have work in like an hour haha, but i’ll revise when i get home! anyway hope you all enjoy! xx

[caffeinewitchcraft]

How did you find the courage to start posting online?

Finding courage is actually why I started this blog!

I’ve always loved writing. The first book I wrote was in high school (and very rarely sees the light of day) back in 2010. I gave short stories to my family for Christmas in 2011 and I did write a little bit of fanfic back then.

But I never tried to query my work and I never posted anything online. I felt like my work wasn’t good enough for a multitude of reasons - too short, too long, choppy dialogue, not interesting, wrong punctuation, etc

Then I went to college and I studied English/psychology/writing for a little bit. One of my writing professors really pushed me to consider publishing (at that point I was on track to get a psychology degree) and I realized that that’s what I wanted. I wanted to be a published writer

But I was too scared!

I was frozen for years. I would write all these stories for fun and never had anywhere to put them. After I left the cult (lol) I ended up not having many friends to read my work either. I had my sister and my best friend from high school (both of whom I owe a lot) and they lived in a different city for most of that time.

College was a really bad time for me all around. I don’t talk about it that much because I very dearly want to be someone who can heal from trauma. But my writing at that time was viciously angry. I felt like I couldn’t share it because it would show everyone how awful I was. So I didn’t post online then either!

I left school and became an EMT with this idea that I was going to be a writer but I still couldn’t bring myself to query. “I need to experience more of life to write,” I thought. “I’m not good enough yet. The things I write are all too depressing or too escapist. One day I’ll write something amazing and I’ll know it and go from there.”

It was during that time (around 2016) that I honestly got sick of myself. I had a lot of insecurities and life was very difficult. It’s hard to explain exactly where my head was at. See, up until the creation of this blog, I was putting writing as a low priority in my life. I was going to keep driving an ambulance. I was going to go back to school. I was going to only engage In The practical side of writing (copy writing) and do other Meaningful Work like driving ambulances or maybe going to law school

But I wanted to write. And I knew I was scared. And I knew that part of what was holding me back were all these expectations from my family and from myself that I needed to focus on finding a career rather than in what made me so happy

So I made this blog! ��No one I know will see this,” I thought. “I don’t have to tell them. I can write whatever I’d like without having to worry about hurting anyones feelings or making anyone upset.”

Well, I did make people upset! Hahahah, for some reason 22 yo me wrote a prompt fill of God trying to set up Satan with a guy. A looooot of people (like 6 which seemed like a lot at the time!) sent me messages about how awful I was for writing that and how I needed to take it down

Instead of taking it down or stopping writing, I looked at why I wrote what I did. I’m Pagan. Wby did I feel driven to write a story about God?

The prompt used language I disagreed with (I believe it called satan “a homosexual” like those old anti gay propaganda films) and I wanted to write something that was more positive and nuanced. The story accepted the idea that, at one point, being gay was a sin (I was just coming out at that point as well.) But I also wrote a God that was flawed, who recognized their flaws, and admitted that they made a mistake by trying to control love like that. God apologized to Satan for making him feel he was wrong and that he couldn’t love who he wanted. That story meant something to me who, despite being from an amazingly supportive family, still worried about people being jerks when I went out in public with my girlfriend.

And after looking at all that, I stood by my story. That’s important to why I keep posting online. I stand by what I write. Even if nobody enjoys a story, I like it. And so it stays up.

(Though I will admit that some aspects I’ve had to improve myself on. I had one person point out that I only used Anglo-Saxon names for all my characters. Meaning I only wrote white characters. So, after a lot of googling and reading, I set out to diversify my work! I wrote Firebreather after that, starring Nadezh and I am so obsessed with her.)

I kept the God prompt up and started receiving positive comments on it! I started writing more prompt fills. I’d write after hard 12 hour shifts. I’d write while in the ambulance. I wrote a very popular story from my phone!

I’m very, very lucky! I’ve always received very positive feedback on my stories here. There are people who won’t ever know it but they supported me through very difficult times.

Why have I written all of this? I definitely haven’t shared everything about my writing journey, or my life journey, but these are the highlights. Why share such a long answer to a very straightforward question?

Because I want you to have the context for when I say that the courage to post online comes from a deep and unending love for writing. For your own writing. For the magic that writing helps you create, for the excitement of finishing a story, for the thrill of understanding yourself a little better.

For me, the creation of this blog was an act of self love. I’ve said that on here before. I took an amazing gamble and I won! By posting online, I forced myself to confront my writing head on. People were seeing it and commenting on it, good and bad, and it forced me to interact with my work in a way I hadn’t before.

I started being able to look at my writing from a distance. There were some warts, for sure. But I looked at it and loved it all the same.

I stopped being so ashamed and fearful. My whole family knows about my writing now (that’s actually how I came out as bi to a few of them lmao) and I’ve self-published my own work.

I will say, that I’ve been very lucky on Tumblr. My experience doesn’t seem to be very typical and my blog is a bit more popular than I ever intended! I’m very grateful and blown away by it still.

Courage comes from confidence. Fake it til you make it! I used anonymity as a shield until I gained enough confidence to own my work proudly.

Thanks for the ask and thanks for bearing with my long response. I’ll most likely talk about how posting online affected my mental state and career more at a later date :)

Tl;dr: Love your writing unconditionally. Accept its flaws and know that you have the ability to improve it.

[m7z]

In memoriam

I spent the last 30 minutes or so skimming through my Tumblr archive from 2011-2012 trying to find a post I know I wrote about my paternal grandparents’ love story, but I couldn’t find it. I probably moved it to another blog at some point and deleted it here. Along the way though I found all these other memories from my early 20s, such as my coming out/confession letter to a best friend from high school, many reblogs of sappy quotes/graphics/book snippets/lyrics, reblogs of photos of places I wanted to visit (many of which I’ve now been to), songs I liked, tech news from the era (like the death of Steve Jobs), political news from the era (like marriage equality, and Barack Obama’s reelection), many reblogs about Glee, my own photos from my early days of living in San Francisco (and interning at Twitter)… All of which is to say, it captured this whole era of my life from ~10 years ago that, in retrospect, was quite pivotal.

The reason I went looking for that post is because I found out yesterday that my grandpa passed away. My dad texted me and tried to call when I was in the middle of a work meeting. I registered the text but didn’t respond, and then called back after. It was the middle of the night in China at the time (around 2am), and he learned the news earlier when my aunt had called him, and she’d been notified by the staff at the seniors home where my grandpa had been living.

As I processed the news and decided on my plans, I told people the context that he had suffered a series of strokes and had been on the decline since last summer, so this news didn’t come as a shock. This is in contrast to my paternal grandma’s passing in January 2022 (also January) from a heart attack which was sudden, quick, and utterly shocking. As the matriarch of our family, her death had hit everyone really hard then.

At his passing, my grandpa was in his late 80s, possibly 87 or 88. Which is objectively quite a remarkable achievement for someone born into the chaos of 1930s war torn China to a poor rural/farming family. He joined the communist army as an accountant/admin, and then the local police after the war, and then worked at the state hemp/cotton company until retirement. He and my grandma met in their 20s, fell in love and got married despite oppositions (this is the story I had posted about that I was looking for), had 2 kids and 2 grandkids (one of which is me), traveled, had health issues and took care of each other, and grew old together.

I realized yesterday that I wasn’t reacting as emotionally as I did to my grandma’s passing — one because he’d been on the decline, and my dad/aunt thought he almost wasn’t going to make it after his last severe stroke in July. I think I had emotionally prepared for this back then, and so expected this to happen at some point. The other reason is that his quality of life in this last year, after these strokes, had become quite poor. He couldn’t eat or talk or walk, and had become reduced to almost just skin and bones. It had become painful to see him in this state, and I’m glad he’s not suffering anymore.

However, at the same time I still feel sad and regretful because I was hoping to see him at least one more time. Even though he hasn’t been able to speak since July, and he didn’t really recognize anyone anymore… even so, I was hoping he'd hang on until I visited again.

When my grandma passed in 2022, the pandemic, travel restrictions, and lack of flight options had made it virtually impossible to travel back. The last time I visited China was October 2019. Since then, in the last few years when we called, they’d almost always ask when I can go back again. My grandpa did this all the way up until his last stroke in July when he couldn’t speak anymore. When the pandemic largely ended in 2022, I’d always say “soon”, even knowing it was impractical with the Chinese government's onerous visa policies. When they finally reinstated the pre-pandemic visitor visa policies in March 2023, I started to say that I'll go back during the summer, then the fall, then the winter, then the spring. One reason is that the flight options were both expensive and inconvenient, but the larger reason is that I prioritized other plans in my life. I'm not sure where I could've squeezed it in, but I do regret that I didn’t try harder to visit sooner.

Circling back on the whole “eras of my life” thread — I always felt like as long as my grandparents were around, I still feel like a kid in some way. They treated me like one, still babied me whenever I visited or called, and would remind me of funny anecdotes from my childhood. I know I’m pretty lucky to have gotten 30+ years with almost all 4 grandparents in my life. I also know I’m lucky that they loved me as much as they did — because not all of my friends had the kind of close relationships I did/do with their grandparents.

Growing up, I was always pretty close to my grandparents, more so to my grandma who I genuinely enjoyed talking to and would call regularly, but I have many fond memories with my grandpa too.

I recall when my family first immigrated to Canada, I would cry about missing them. Later when I went back to visit as a teenager, I would cry on the flight back to Canada.

My grandpa liked to write simple rhyming poems after he retired, liked to drink and smoke and only quit in his 60s, and liked to sing Chinese opera. One year for my birthday, he wrote a “hidden message” poem where the first word of each verse added together would say “happy birthday <my Chinese name>”.

One really special memory of him I have is when I was in kindergarten, and during afternoon nap time (which I hated) he showed up unexpectedly and took me out of school. We didn’t live in the same city but he was in my city for a work trip, and he’d decided to take me out of kindergarten early that day so we could spend time together. I remember it feeling so unexpectedly awesome — one because I was doing something I wasn’t supposed to (skip school) but also because of the surprise visit itself.

The only time I felt emotional yesterday was when my mom told me how, even though I won’t be able to attend the funeral, I could pay my respects at both of my grandparents’ gravesites when I visit. The thought made me emotional because… they can finally be reunited again, or at least not be separated by death.

Didn’t really know what I was going to write when I started this, and the words kept pouring out, but I’m glad I did.

[robertdowneyjjr]

In recent years, Tony has taken using the Robert Pattinson interview technique ie: lying about answers because he’s bored. Fav movie? Footloose. Fav food? Spaghetti. Fav band? Steely Dan

Again, non of these are true and he changes the answer so often people catch on he’s lying, which wasn’t a problem until he got a new set of friends that want to get him a birthday present and if they google anything about him the get…conflicting info. And asking him about what he wants makes him go all awwww no need i don’t need presents. Which is unhelpful

Unfortunately Steve is still too new to the future to catch the issue and give Tony some very thoughtful gifts based off his recent answers and Tony smiles and says he loves them and oops he’s committed

(Also please picture Steve planning a first date with Tony with them watching Footloose and eating spaghetti while listening to Steely Dan. And Tony did not hate any of them but they weren’t his actual fav but now they might be???)

And Steve does find out the problem on his own but makes Tony continue to pretend he enjoys his fake favs until he confesses lol

LMAO oh my god yes absolutely all of this.

to be fair, tony had never really given the press real answers whenever he was asked things that were too personal, even back in his younger days. he was already in the spotlight enough, he didn’t need the whole world to know every single thing about him. but he always had the same scripted answers just for consistency’s sake, and he always had some bullshit reason to explain it all. favorite food? new york pizza (because new york will always be home). favorite movie? the godfather part ii (because it reminds him of his mother’s stories about immigrating to america, and he doesn’t get to visit his grandparents nearly enough). favorite band? abba (who doesn’t like dancing queen?)

but after he comes back from afghanistan, after the ultimate wake up call, he just can’t be bothered with keeping the press happy anymore. he still doesn’t much care for letting people know too much about him, but he also doesn’t put too much effort into appeasing the press because he has other things to worry about. so the next time he gives an interview and the reporter asks him one of these inane questions, he tells her his favorite band is steely dan. then twitter goes wild. his ultra fans pull up the receipts from his past decade of interviews and calls him out on it. “i thought it was abba??” someone tweets, and it gets thousands of retweets. tony replies simply with, people change ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

from then on he makes it a point to give a different answer every single time he gets asked something personal. in 2008 his favorite band was steely dan. he was paramore’s biggest fan in 2009. in 2010 he became the world’s first and most famous directioner. 2011 rolled around and he told some random reporter on a red carpet that he only ever listened to duran duran. then in 2012 he wore a black sabbath t-shirt and everyone figured out that was his “favorite” of the year.

then he meets steve. sweet, wonderful, thoughtful steve, who has finally built up the courage after four years of friendship and asked tony out. steve, who wants nothing more than to impress tony and show him that he pays attention and wants to make this work. although tony had told steve early on that he should never trust what he reads on the internet, steve is adamant about planning the perfect first date. he wants a second date. and a third. and a fourth. you get the point. he needs tony to know he’s serious about building a relationship together.

so he googles. he bypasses all the opinion pieces and the articles that are clearly from gossip rags or less-than-credible news sources. but he figures official interviews that tony gives should be fair game, right? and man, does steve find out a lot about tony and the things he likes. he figures out quickly what he should cook for dinner: singaporean chilli crab (people magazine circa 2009). he sets the table with the loveliest carnations he could find (reddit ama circa 2014). he queues up footloose to play on the tv while they eat a homemade chocolate soufflé (vanity fair circa 2011 and tonight show circa 2015). steve’s done the research. he knows tony will be happy he’s put so much effort into this night.

and tony, well. he doesn’t hate all of those things but they were never really his favorites. his real favorites? his mama’s carbonara. ac/dc. back to the future. sunflowers. but he doesn’t want to burst steve’s bubble. none of that matters, anyway, when he gets to spend time with his ultimate favorite person.

(steve finally figures it out when rhodey comes to visit one day with a box of tiramisu from the hole-in-the-wall he and tony used to go to in boston and tony lights up in a way that he’s never done when eating steve’s chocolate soufflé. he still keeps making the soufflé though, just to see if tony would ever confess)

[nialls-gorgeous-colors]

Shawn and Niall's public dating history doesn't match the themes and narratives of their songwriting

Mannn… if you actually take the time to look at Shawn’s and Niall’s dating history…. Where are these passionate songs coming from if you buy into the general public narrative 😭 Shawn’s literally supposedly dated 2 people 😭

And it didn’t start until 2017 😭 which albums are typically written A YEAR AT LEAST before they are released. Shawn Mendes Self Titled was released on May 25, 2018. Illuminate was released on April 20, 2017.

And then he’s singing about hoping someone will be by his side and being with someone “who cares if they approve”…. The media and fans were wanting him and C to get together… where are these obstacles of being together 😭

Niall’s dating history is so weird, like, don’t even get me started. It’s so full of PR and short bursts of being with someone?? Women who have even issued statements and denied when asked that they were anything romantic??? Where are all of these passionate songs coming from?? Who is he showing up at their door soaking wet? Where are these obstacles??? Wedding song???

Why is he needing to tell someone there’s “no judgement” (it’s romantic with a “mate and… you know”. No, it’s not about Harry please stop?) when they’re together??? Who is he missing so much he needs a “new angel”?? This Town: Who is he saying “if the whole world was watching I’d still dance with you” about”?? Why wouldn’t anyone he’s been with be accepted???

There’s so much that begs to be said about all of this. Shawn invalidating his whole discography (saying it’s all about Camila???) in his documentary still makes me so incredibly sad. That doesn’t make any sense. It doesn’t all line up, nor do the themes match up with his life history with her. Please 😭

Make it make sense. 🤨😭 whomever made him say that had no idea what they were doing. They expected the fans to just blindly accept what came out of his mouth.

I have talked with his fans who believe that he was writing so many songs about her… and to believe it, you have to think that he’s just sitting on the sidelines for years just pining away for her while she’s with other guys??? That doesn’t even match with his songs???

I know I’m going back and forth between the two but there’s so much of Niall’s that don’t make sense either. It starts with Barbara Palvin, who was starting out her modeling career who was connected with Niall in 2013-2014. If you don’t think he stunted, then what’s this?

Amelia Lily (yup another Amelia) 2011-2012. There’s later an article about her DENYING anything went on and that she was actually dating an electrician dude.

He was connected briefly with Ellie Goulding who would greatly benefit from the clout boost in Aug-Sept 2013. Meh. Standard music industry stuff.

Melissa Whitelaw, an Australian student, Feb-June 2015 so says a DM article. There’s papwalks complete with the weird backseat photos. Her looking out the window while Niall is awkwardly trying to cope with what he’s being subjected to, see below.

And there’s Celine Helene Vandycke, yet another student. This time she’s Belgian. They show up at events with his arm around her shoulders. They’re only together about a month or two in 2016. Again, here’s the customary car backseat photo published in DM.

And then there Hailee Steinfeld, in 2017-2018. Niall never confirms it but there’s really awkward (while walking across the street?? Like??? Wtf???) kissing pics that exist. She wears his merch. She shows up to a m&g during his tour. They “breakup” then the narrative is she released a song called “Wrong Direction” but denies it’s about him. (Great PR move, Hailee.)

Then it brings us to Amelia Woolley, pandemic lockdown lady. Met in Apr 2020, UK lockdown started in Mar. Dramatic story how they met in tabloids. Niall tore her away from her electrician boyfriend. They now do papwalks and she shows up at golf and events. Everyone forgets about her.

So….. I repeat…. where’s the kind of longterm love along the ways that’s sparked their work and matches the themes of their songs??? Please let me know if you find it???

And yes I know there’s some typos, the timeline also isn’t exact. But that’s the thing about these “relationships” that are arranged. Dates are messy because no one actually knows them. 😂

[heromonty]

Merry Christmas (and Happy Holidays if you don’t celebrate Christmas) everybody 🎄

Coming on here to say I know I just came back from a little break but I’ll be going on another one - explanation of why under the read more. Wishing everyone a Happy New Years in advance as I don’t think I’ll be on much in the next few weeks or so.

We put our dog, Bailey, to sleep early this morning, at around 1:00-1:30 AM and I’m just not…feeling much of anything right now besides extreme sadness. It was all very sudden, he was feeling fine all day yesterday until about 6:30-7:00 PM where we started stumbling, having accidents in the house, throwing up, looking dazed - it got to the point where we couldn’t keep himself up on his legs. We’re 99% sure he had a stroke - we took him to the emergency hospital where we were given three options of what we could do. We went with the third option: humane euthanasia. We didn’t want him to be in pain anymore - he was diagnosed with congestive heart failure at the beginning of the year which we had been managing with medicine and we didn’t want to add more on top of that for him for whatever was happening neurologically.

We got to say goodbye to him and got to be in the room with him as the euthanasia was administered. I’m extremely thankful that he went quickly and there was no reaction. But the memory of him just ceasing all signs of life makes me feel physically ill.

I don’t really feel like doing much of anything - just trying to process what happened. I’m hoping it gets a bit easier within the next few weeks - at the very least, to the point where I don’t burst into tears whenever I think of him or see anything that reminds me of him. But I don’t know, we’ll see.

Rest in peace sweet angel ❤️

March 23, 2011 - December 25, 2023

[tctteredwings]

[ lily james, demigirl, they/them ] — whoa! HOLLY BERNE just stole my cab! not cool, but maybe they needed it more. they have lived in the city for 8 YEARS, working as a BLOGGER/INFLUENCER. that can’t be easy, especially at only 33 YEARS OLD. some people say they can be a little bit DITZY and HOT-HEADED, but i know them to be COMPASSIONATE and ENTHUSIASTIC. whatever. i guess i’ll catch the next cab. hope they like the ride back to STATEN ISLAND!

IN A NUTSHELL; an inability to stay still, a pack of dachshunds dutifully following behind them, messy curls, a different loungefly backpack every time you see them, a pocket full of candy, a pen tucked behind their ear, dancing until the sun comes up.

tw: death, parental death

ABOUT.

Name: Holly Joy Berne Nicknames: Hol, Hols Age: Thirty-three Date of Birth: 25th December 1990 Birthplace: Dún Laoghaire, Dublin, Ireland Occupation: Blogger/influencer Romantic/Sexual Orientation: Grey-romantic/pansexual

They’re an Irish beauty who grew up in Dublin as part of a massive family.

Middle child of six (along with their twin brother).

Born on Christmas Day… full name’s Holly Joy, brother is Joseph, you can see where this is going. Their mom really loves Christmas!

They wanted the spotlight from a young age, desperate to be heard and seen, they took dancing and singing lessons, even attempted acting at one point and figure skating.

Wanted to attend Juilliard in NYC so spent their teen years working their ass off, cleaning in the ferry port, a paper round, babysitting and dog walking. If they could fit it in, they’d do it.

Sometime during sixth form they came to terms with their gender confusion, coming out as a demigirl and asking everyone around them to use they/them pronouns. They won’t be offended if you use she/her by accident as they’re very much in touch with their feminine side still, but they is their main preference.

It was another couple of years before they discovered that they were also grey-romantic, romance just didn’t come easily and they weren’t all too bothered. One night stands and fwbs was the way to go.

At 19 Juilliard came a calling! It was a shock but one they’d been so desperate for, so they packed up and moved to the States… a couple of grand short.

Freshman year went well, they lived in halls and embraced everything the city had to offer. Second year came around and they found themselves with no money, living in an apartment with four other people, infested with roaches and so run down it was a health hazard.

A little over a year later they were forced to move out and drop out of college, moving in with family they had in London, still wanting somewhere with opportunity.

Eventually set up a blog, telling tales of their time in NYC, their discoveries in gender and sexuality. They attempted YouTube as well, but it was a bit of a fail, they never had the patience to actually make the videos. Eventually Instagram worked out for them, along with TikTok in more recent years. Their main focus was and always will be the LGBTQIA+ community.

It was then they made the decision to move back to New York City, finding themselves a small apartment on Staten Island.

Their father passed away in September 2019 and they were forced to go back home to Ireland for a couple of months. Brought half of their family back with them when they returned, including their twin brother.

Dog mom to a pack of rowdy dachshunds (Wednesday, Morticia, Sally and Mrs Lovett) and usually found fighting to control them early in the morning before starting work for the day.

Hates to admit it, but sometimes they come across as kind of dim. They’re also hyper af, constantly bouncing around the place and dancing (they never gave that up), talk way too much, and are too loud for a lot of people.

Lived:

1990: Dublin, Ireland 2009: New York City, New York 2011: Notting Hill, London 2015: Staten Island, New York

[3terna15unshin3]

Then Because She Goes

When you leave, I cry on the inside

★ Chapter 4 of 15, 3733 words

★ Matty Healy x Original Female Character

★ warnings: alcohol consumption

<< 3

28 November, 2018

The train ride felt excruciatingly long.

Cate and Este sat facing each other in their seats, talking occasionally, but Cate was busy on her laptop and Este had her nose tucked into a book. 

“I’m getting sick of riding the train to London, to be honest,” complained Cate. Este removed her left Airpod to listen to her. “It feels like it moves slower every time I’m on it.”

She had been coming into London a handful of times a month for work, and since it was so much busier than her hometown, it gave her constant headaches. The company she worked for had a branch of offices in Manchester, where Cate was hired, but it was based in London; so, a particular merch collection forced her to travel down much more often than she wanted to. But, she was just as excited as Este to be at the album release show; so she didn’t mind being in the city this time around.

Matty graciously offered Este to bring a friend, so of course, her flatmate was tagging along. He sent her a couple messages to let her know that her and Cate’s name would be on the guest list. Other than those few to let Este in on the details of the concert, not many words had been shared between the two since he’d been over to her flat. Little time had passed, and Este knew Matty would be super busy with the album release, so she didn't feel the need to reach out. Even though she finished reading You Are Here earlier in the week and surprisingly found it really eye opening and worth the read.

“Just remember, in an hour or so we’ll be all warm and cosy in my nan’s house. And she’ll be force feeding us a bunch of food,” Este reminded her. “Plus, my granddad finally got his hearing aids fixed so you won’t have to repeat everything you say until he understands it!”

Cate laughed and continued clicking away on her laptop while responding. “Are you sure they’re okay with us staying there? We could’ve easily just booked a hotel, I don’t want to be intruding.”

“Seriously, they love hosting guests. They’d never feel like we were intruding. I haven’t visited overnight in a while too, so I’m sure they’ll enjoy the company,” Este assured her.

Continuing in and out of conversation, they drowned their ears in music through their headphones. Then, the journey came to a close, and they rifled through the bodies in the underground to head over to Florencia and José’s house. The elderly couple welcomed them with open arms and, like Este assumed, immediately fed them a hearty dinner. José, Este’s grandfather, sat in his usual spot on their leather reclining chair to face the television while Florencia and the two girls sat at the dining room table. Both had full stomachs.

“What are you two in town for again? A show?” Florencia asked, struggling to remember what Este had explained over the phone.

“Yeah, a concert. It’s Matty’s band, actually. You remember Matty, right?” she posed, although she was sure her nan remembered him. When calling her about coming down to London, Este brought up the fact that she was his nurse back in 2011 and even sent the photo her way. Florencia fully gushed about how wonderful he was—showing pure excitement that they’d managed to meet again years later in a Starbucks, and that he’d  met her granddaughter. Este recalls her using the words ‘a fine young man’ to describe him.

“Oh yes, of course! You know, you should invite him to the party in February. I think he’d enjoy himself.”

Cate and Este both laughed at the craziness of her suggestion. They had been extensively planning her and José’s 50th wedding anniversary celebration—the party Flo was referring to. It was a dinner and dance event with a program, a DJ, and the works. Most things Florencia mentioned as of late had all somehow looped back around to be about the party, so José was used to it. It was practically a second wedding.

“Lola, he’ll be touring next year. I don’t think he’ll have the time to come to your party,” Este said, a laugh still evident in her voice.

Her grandmother shrugged. “Doesn’t hurt to ask, anak. He can be your date.”

Este went red and covered her face with her hands.

“I thought I was supposed to be your date?!” Cate joked.

They finished helping Florencia clean up in the kitchen and then went up to the room they were sharing, picking their outfits for the following night. Both Este and Cate only brought a couple of options, as their bags were quite small for the two-night stay. 

“Fuck, I should’ve brought that red top with the stars,” complained Cate. “That would go so well with these pants.”

Este felt like they were in school again, deciding what to wear before a night out and emptying all of their garments onto the floor. They continued the ritual, holding up various pieces up to their bodies to try and build ideas. But, Este’s phone buzzed just as they were coming to a decision.

[este.manansala]: trumanblack: Doors are at 7 tomorrow btw, so if you show up around then security will take you back so you can have a drink and meet the others before the show :) If u want to!

Cate took a second to read the notification on Este’s phone and then looked up at her. “He’s inviting us backstage for drinks before the show?”

Figuring that standing at side stage would require going back there anyway, Este wasn’t too shocked. Spending time with Matty in person let her come to terms with how aggressively human he truly was, and him reaching out and inviting them to the show helped distract her from the irrational insecurity that their friendship didn't mean anything to him.

“Yeah, I guess. He did say that there was room at the side of the stage for ‘friends and family’, so I assumed we’d be back there,” she responded casually.

“I feel like we might need to put more thought into these outfits now.”

✴ 29 November, 2018

The two of them did not consider the long queue of girls that would be inevitably waiting to be let into the venue. Too considerate to cut to the front, which they were most likely allowed to do, Este and Cate shivered in the cold winter air. It was moving fast, thankfully, since everyone was hurrying to get a good spot; so after repeatedly standing and then shuffling forward, they got to the front.

“Um, I think I’m on the list. Este Manansala?” she asked the bouncer nervously, insecure that the girls behind them could hear her and would judge them for holding up the line. He looked over to another man with a clipboard, who scanned his eyes over his list and then nodded at the girls. A ‘thanks’ was thrown from the smiling girls to the bouncer and the people who let them in, before a security guard welcomed them into the rooms further into the club.

Este’s hands were clammy as they walked up to the door that had a small ‘The 1975’ sign on the front, aware of the fact that they were about to be socialising with heaps of new people. Cate followed behind her as they entered, seeing a couple of black leather couches and small coffee tables. There was a bar along the back wall with various bottles of liquor and a stack of glass cups. Buzzing conversation filled the room as people mingled familiarly, some lounged on the furniture and others standing in small circles. They decided to quietly keep to themselves until anyone approached them, standing together at a tall cocktail table.

Matty’s fingers fought with the curls framing his face as he pushed them away, chatting casually with his brother. When their conversation phased out slowly, he found himself scanning the room—seemingly at the perfect time—as his eyes caught Este’s brown ones.

Slightly nervous, he shot her a smile and observed the redhead standing with her. That must be Cate, he thought to himself. Matty weaved his way around each small exchange happening between the handful of people in the room, and finally reached the two girls.

“Este,” he said with a sigh of relief, happy that she’d shown. “I’m so glad you’re here.”

She grinned and welcomed him in for a hug. “I’m so glad to be able to see the show,” said Este as they broke apart, Matty casually embracing Cate after she continued. “This is my best friend, Cate.”

“Lovely to meet you,” started Matty. “Este's told me you do graphic design?”

The conversation immediately took off as he and Cate delved into topics surrounding her job and its artistic components. He was knowledgeable about the subject and had an awfully distinct taste, directly referencing certain movements or time periods that stood as inspiration for the art he made. Cate appreciated Matty’s efforts to get to know her style and to understand the drive behind her career, even showing him examples of her previous work.

Then, a man so tall they had to tilt their heads upwards to look at him approached. Matty’s eyes lit up as he appeared, excited for Ross to meet them. “Oh mate—these are my friends Este and Cate. From Manchester,”

“Ross,” he introduced himself, looking at each of them and smiling. “How do you guys know each other?”

Este made eye contact with Matty. He raised his eyebrows, encouraging her to explain instead of him. “I work at a book shop in Manchester that Matty comes into whenever he’s in town, so since then we’ve kind of started our own two-person book club over Instagram DMs! Which is, now that I say it, probably the lamest explanation I could have possibly chosen,” she said, embarrassed, scratching her temple.

“Please never call our friendship a ‘book club’ ever again. That's horrible,” Matty defended. “I’d hope that by now it’s more than that,” he said, making goosebumps raise on Este's arms. “Her nan was also my nurse when I got my gallbladder removed.” 

The bluntness in his voice made Este and Cate giggle, Ross clearly used to his antics. “Cool story, mate,” he responded sarcastically. “Can we hear more about that one surgery you had like ten years ago? We’re all dying to know!”

“First of all, it was only seven years ago. Second of all, shut the fuck up,” Matty corrected.

Small talk circled the four of them as Este and Cate got to know Ross and vice versa. Hearing the familiar name while eavesdropping from one of the couches adjacent to the group, George butted in loudly, already slightly buzzed. “You’re Este?”

Another gigantic man presented himself and hung on Este’s right shoulder. “Yeah,” she said, confused about how he knew her. “And this is Cate, my best friend.”

“Nice to meet you. George,” he said. “I heard the spiel about that book you told Matty to read on the plane a while back. And I’ve got to say, you seem lovely, but that book sounded really fucking weird.”

Este went on to try and defend it, but the rest of the group went on to tease her playfully. Matty eventually dragged Adam over to them as well, the girls finally meeting the entirety of the band behind their dance anthem of late May. These people feel warm and fuzzy, thought Este. They’re the real deal. Her eyes rarely left Matty, though.

The group setting allowed her to study him discreetly, appreciating the recognisable inflections in his speech and casual stage outfit hanging on his body. His ability to completely immerse himself into a point he’d like to make, going on without caring how long it would take to get there. It was peculiar that those traits on other people seemed mundane—but for Matty, they were just reasons for Este to keep listening to what came out of his mouth.

Although she didn’t notice, Matty spent their whole conservation observing her just as closely as she did him. He could tell how much she loved Cate and how they supported each other throughout moments of uncertainty. Este spoke with her hands. Fidgeted with her necklace some more. Always threw her head back when laughing really hard. And even more deeply, Matty took note of her intellect; how she managed to use purposeful language even when the subject was lighthearted or one-off. He indulged in Este as much as he could during the short bursts of time they had together.

When show time neared, the band left to do some last minute preparation, allowing Cate and Este to hold their own for half an hour before it started. They met a few people, most of them in the room being friends of the band—some family—but stayed fairly reserved, not wanting to intrude.

Then, the show began. Their view from the side of the stage was surreal. Este couldn’t recall a show she’d been that close for, peering at Adam from his side. Both her and Cate tried to keep their cool, as the people around them were, but couldn’t help themselves from moving further back for more space to get lost in the music. Este was enthralled by seeing Love It If We Made It live, the experience leaving an even bigger impact on her than the recording.

It was electric, Matty’s performance. She watched him own the stage incredibly comfortably, clearly having years of experience. He seemed at home up there. Like music was his air to breathe. Every person in the room couldn’t peel their eyes away from him.

The short setlist ended far too soon, and the two girls enjoyed themselves purely. “They’re fucking rockstars,” commented Cate. Este agreed as they walked over to the toilets, taking a much needed wee break and wondering what would come next.

“Surely there’s an after party,” Cate suggested, fixing her top in the mirror that hung above the sinks. “Would you want to stick around if he mentions it?”

“I have no idea. The idea of partying with them sort of freaks me out,” Este admitted.

“We’re in this together, babe. If you go down for acting piss drunk then so will I.”

✴

An hour into the post-show party, a fairly intoxicated Matty danced next to George—the DJ for the night. A half-full bottle of wine was gripped in his right hand, and after the emotional release that was their 14 songs performed earlier, they were ready to get fucked up. There are too many people to talk to, thought Matty. Settings like these did bring out his social side, and the conversations he’d been having with everyone at the party were sincere; but they drained him. So, he resorted to dancing. And got increasingly drunk as the night went on.

He was subconsciously disappointed that he hadn’t seen Este yet, assuming her and Cate either took off already or had gotten lost in the sea of bodies filling Pryzm. His eyes tried to focus and recognize them when scanning the room, but the dim and sometimes randomly flashy lights prevented him from coming to any conclusion.

About to give up, Matty finally found her. Dancing with Cate to George’s lively set. Her arms were up in the air, forehead glistening with happy perspiration. They both looked like they were having fun. Thank god, Matty thought, as his worries vanished. The alcohol in his system lifted his feet one after the other to encourage his body over to them. His much less impulsive and much more logical sober-self would have stopped him, but that wasn’t the case this time. Luckily, they were near the edge of the dance floor, so reaching them didn’t take much effort.

Cate saw Matty approaching, eyes widening with excitement and nerves. He was sweet to her, so she had no reason to be unsure, but he was also the man of the night. “Hey!” she greeted him excitedly. “The show was amazing. You guys are amazing,”

Her compliment felt genuine. Matty clutched his hand over his heart, thanking her. “Thank you guys so much for coming. It means a lot, and you know, this new album feels so fresh for us and I think it’s our best work. And I was so confident with releasing the singles, so I can’t wait for everyone to hear the whole album, but tonight really made me nervous, for some reason. So I’m really happy you were here and got to meet the guys and see the show, since you just remind me of Manchester and of humility and the city, so thank you. It feels really grounding. Really, thanks.” He looked between both Este and Cate during his slightly slurred rant, brows furrowed with sincerity, placing his hands on both of their shoulders.

“We were seriously so entranced. And so thankful to even be in a room with that kind of energy,” replied Este, placing her hand kindly on top of his.

The three of them continued to speak highly of each other for a couple of minutes. The loud music drowned out a small portion of their perception, and the liquid courage increased their comfort in one another’s company.

“Do you guys want another drink?” Matty suggested.

Cate shook her head no, already feeling it a little too strongly, but as she looked over to her black-haired friend, she could tell Este wanted another. Asian-glow lit up her cheeks, showing up after the couple of G&T’s she had downed.

Another drink couldn’t hurt. “I won’t say no to that,” Este said. “I can bring you one, Cate, if you want.”

“I’m staying put, to dance. I don’t feel like having to look after a glass. Go ahead though, I’ll be here!”

Matty guided Este through to the bar, his hand hovering over the small of her back; hesitant to make contact. They laughed playfully as they kept the conversation going, both sufficiently and happily drunk. To their surprise, it was quite empty. So, they had a seat on two stools before asking for a G&T for Este, and cracking open another bottle of red for Matty.

“Do you want to know the real reason why I’m glad you enjoyed the show?” he posed with a sliver of sincerity in his voice, but covered it up with the tone of their giggly demeanours.

Este took a sip of her drink. “What, were you lying about what you said earlier? All those niceties like how we ‘ground’ you, or whatever?” she teased and chuckled, watching his face distort as she made fun of his drunken speech.

“No. I wasn’t lying, thank you very much,” Matty confirmed. “But there’s a truer statement that I’m going to tell you right now because my stomach feels warm and tingly from the wine.” He leaned closer, raising his hand to whisper in her ear, as if it was a secret. Este tilted her face away so his voice could reach her ear more easily. “I really care about what you think of me. Like really, really care. I think it’s because I think really highly of you and that you’re like, really cool, so I want you to think I’m cool too.”

She turned to face him, cheeks on fire, the dimple apparent on her left one. “That’s very cute of you, Matty. Thank you.” Este tried hard to contain her smile and appreciation for his kindness, but failed miserably as the giddy grin on her face couldn’t be wiped off, despite trying. This is the second time he’s called me cool. Maybe he actually means it, she thought. Getting into his space, just like he did her, she whispered back, “I do think you’re cool. Don’t worry.”

Matty threw his hand over his heart again, then comically pretended to wipe sweat off his forehead in relief. “Bless!”

Their conversation twisted and turned through topics of both relevance and unimportance. Musical influences, his pants being hemmed a little too short, their primary school experiences, Este’s thoughts on You Are Here, Matty’s non-existent thoughts on On Earth We’re Briefly Gorgeous (since he revealed that he hadn’t even opened it yet).

Forgetting they left Cate on the dance floor, the two of them tried to wrap up their drunken blur of a discussion. But, one more thing popped into Este’s mind, as she chewed on the ice cubes from her now empty glass. “You know what’s funny?”

“What’s funny, Este?”

She laughed to herself, as the warmth in her cheeks had now spread through to her whole abdomen. “I’m staying with my nan, you know, since I’m in London. And when I mentioned that I’m in town to see your gig, she like fully, seriously, told me to invite you to her and my granddad’s 50th wedding anniversary party,” Este admitted as she shook her head in embarrassment, too tipsy to avoid mentioning it.

Matty’s curiosity was displayed on his face. “Has she really?”

“Yes, like actually. Her and my mum have been planning it for months, it’s going to be a dinner and dance, and everything. Renting out a hotel banquet hall to host it,” she explained.

“Tell me a time and a place, I’ll be there. Only for Lola, though.” He beamed at her with a wink as Este smacked his chest and they made way towards Cate.

After dancing for a couple more songs, they decided it was time to take off. Both a bit sloppy, Cate and Este found each band member dispersed throughout Pryzm—giving them a shouty ‘Thank you!’, and a congrats-on-the-new-album hug.

Este stopped at Matty one last time, embracing him with her sweaty arms and pecking his cheek. “Thanks so much, Matty. It genuinely was such a great night. You deserve all the praise.”

A quick inhale with his nose close to Este’s temple made him notice how good she smelled, even after a long night of dancing. He thanked her back, immediately sobering up to get his point across unfeignedly, rubbing her back in assurance and then letting go. They smiled at each other before Este broke their eye contact, and the two girls strolled to the exit, hopping in a cab back to Florencia’s.

5 >>

[likeadevils]

2011 Lover Diaries Transcripts

Feb 2011

All Too Well Lyrics- First Draft

Mar 2011

All Too Well Lyrics- Final Draft

Mar 16, 2011- Paris, France

We went to Germany, then Venice Italy, then Milan. Germany was an amazing crowd. I was on a serious show high after that one. We spent our 2 days off in Venice and it is CRAZY there. You have to travel everywhere by boat, and there are old houses where the front door steps lead straight down into the water! I’d heard about it, but actually seeing it is so surreal. The next day I went exploring a little in the morning but I went back to the hotel and slept all day. I think I was catching up on sleep I didn’t get the whole trip. It wasn’t until Venice that I actually slept a full night. We took a side trip to Schwangau, where they have the Castle Neuschwanstein. I’ve been in love with that castle since I was a little kid. I did a report on it in 4th grade. We drove 2 hours outside of Munich to rural (I mean remote, farmland, stuck in the 1600s rural) Germany and stayed in a tiny old hotel. My room had a circular bed that I couldn’t sleep in (one leg is always dangling of the side) and went shopping in this little village surrounded by fort castle walls because the town was built in the 1600s. We went to this little shop where we poured our own balsamic vinegar into bottles. I got this cranberry balsamic vinegar that is so good, you could probably drink it. I actually did. Anyway, today I had a lot of anxiety about my career because I don’t know what to do for the ‘Mean’ video. It’s such an important song and message, and it just isn’t coming together. I get so stressed out. I played our Milan show tonight then flew to Paris. My life is so beautiful right now. Everyone once in a while I have to remind myself to breathe and take in the view.

Jun 17, 2011- Nashville, TN

Something so unexpected and amazing has happened recently … I’ve become blissfully happy with my life. Like, actually grateful for every second of the day. I’ve noticed this onset for a while, but it’s really hit me in the last week, and especially since I wrote those 2 new songs. I really do need to create in order to live and feel worthwhile. But it’s more than just that. I’m happy with my family. I’m happy about this tour. I’m happy that tomorrow morning I get on a plane to Pittsburgh, play a stadium of 60,000 people, then fly home. I’m happy that the next day, I’m recording 2 new songs. I’m happy that I get to meet so many people on the road who make me feel like my music really matters to them. This ridiculous thing happens to me when I’m this happy … I start feeling like karma will balance it all out by making something tragic happen. But I’m trying to just show gratitude as much as I can. Everyday, every minute, I’m grateful for being happy right this moment. I think I’m a summer person. I’m also a work person. Tour gives me something to pour myself into and a reason to feel ok about sleeping in til noon on my days off. Today I went to a management meeting and approved/declined things and then went shopping for Father’s Day. Tomorrow it might rain in Pittsburgh. I hope it doesn’t. Taylor

Sep 8, 2011- Nashville, TN

I was supposed to fly to LA after the show in Tacoma WA last night, but after talking to my brother on the phone and missing my mom and my town where I knew my way around – I got homesick and flew back to Nashville instead. It was a long flight, but I’m so happy I chose to come home. Mostly because I wrote a song on the plane on the way home called ‘Red’. I got in at 6AM this morning, slept til 10, brought mom eggs benedict for breakfast, went and got coffee (the pumpkin spice lattes are back at Starbucks!!) and mom and I drove around talking. She showed me all the new decorating she’d done in her new house. It looks absolutely fantastic. She has scented candles burning in every room, so each part of the house smells like a new kind of heaven. In the evening I went to Nathan’s studio to record. When I played Red for him, he lost it. He absolutely freaked over the lyrics. I was so happy. As we started recording it, it got more and more awesome, with banjo and this affected vocal part that runs under the chorus going “re-e-e-e-e-d”. I’d love to name next album red. Scott came over because I called him and he was still working at the office. He said this song takes it to the next level. He lost it over this song. My mom loves it too. It’s so different than anything we’ve done. I can’t even tell you how alive and worthwhile I feel when I’m writing a new song and I finish it and people like it. It’s the most fulfilling feeling, like getting an A+ on report card. Recording again tomorrow.

Oct 30, 2011- Nashville, TN

Tonight we played in Memphis. I've had a chest infection for the last few days, so singing has been so hard. Last night, my voice kept quitting on me, going all raspy or just not being able to reach the high notes... I almost cancelled tonight's show, but I made it through. I went into a few coughing fits tonight, but I sounded better than last night. We've already played 3 shows in Nashville, Knoxville, Louisville, Lexington. We only have 9 shows left on this tour and I'm ready for a break. I've written two songs in the last few days. I want to record them so bad, but my voice is shot from being so run down. I'm just so glad to have a few days off. (ok... 2) Guess what I'm doing tomorrow? Getting a kitten!!! I've wanted a cat for so long and I'm finally doing it. I love Scottish Folds. I look up internet videos of them. They're so cute and love humans. So I'm going to get this little kitten tomorrow morning! I'm naming her Meredith. Meredith Gray. Because she's gray. Taylor <3

(2003 • 2004 • 2005 • 2006 • 2007 & 2008 • 2009 • 2010 • 2011 • 2012 • 2013 • 2014 • 2015 • 2016 & 2017)

[svntxnc]

This is for you

The story describes a reunion of two childhood friends who lost contact for a decade. reader attended a concert of her friend Mark, who had become a successful idol, and was surprised when he dedicated a song to her. After the concert, Mark arranged for reader,his mom and her mother to meet him backstage, allowing them to reconnect after all those years apart.

w/c: 1,959

warnings: none so far

a/n: idk if I'm making a second part lmao

[2011]

It was a peaceful afternoon until you heard someone yell your name loudly “Y/N!” you looked to see who it was, it was mark, you waved at him as he walked up to you “wanna go to the court?” he said “sure but just make sure you wont hit me this time” you said jokingly “I swear I'm so much better now” he said as you both started walking towards the court.

a few moments of joking around made you both realize that you liked each other

at the court he was playing with the ball as you sat on one of the benches “you should play too, it’s really easy” he said as you rolled your eyes “don’t roll your eyes at me!” he said jokingly, “if you make one in ill play with you” you said, he chuckled and said “bet” as he was getting ready to dunk the ball he quickly said “Y/N this is for you!” as he threw the ball, you probably know by now that he didn’t get the ball in, you laughed loudly as he kept trying to shoot the ball “that was a warm up I swear” he said “whatever you say” you said.

[2012]

“I wanna attend the SM auditions” mark said “go ahead” you added, “yea but I feel like I’ll miss my family, friends and all those things” he said “yeah but its more of a once in a lifetime thing if you do go though” you said “yeah but-” he was about to say something before you cut him and say “didn’t you say this was your dream? you should do it” you added “I’ll audition if you come with me to the place” he said while glaring at you “fine” you said

[2013]

mark auditioned, and guess what, he’s a trainee now,

big time skip, like very big

[2023]

It’s been a while since you’ve both spoken to each other as you both lost contact, he would sometimes ask his mom on how you were cause your mom’s were best friends, but for those times where he did his mom never really told him how you were and just teased him about it.

you recently saw that mark was going on tour and that he was going to your city.

you came home and checked your phone as your mom sent you a text saying “Marks mom is in the city, come over for dinner” you smiled seeing the text as you were happy that they were still friends, you quickly texted her back with a simple “okay”.

time skip bloop

you arrived at your moms house with flowers as a gift for the both of them, you knocked on the door as your mom opened it “hi honey” she said while taking your coat off and hanging it while marks mom walks towards the both of you, “hello” you said shyly as the three of you sat down at the dining table, “It’s been a long time since I’ve seen you Y/N, how are you” marks mom said “I’m doing good, just busy with school” you said, “aish this girl never goes out its irritating” your mom said as you sat there looking offended “so Y/N are you dating?” Mrs. lee said as you almost chocked on your own spit, both of them look at you concerned and curious “no, I just don’t have the time” you said with a grin on your face.

time skip again cause why not

“I was thinking of attending marks concert, but I don’t wanna go alone so can you both come with me” Mrs. lee said with a smile on her face, your mom gladly said yes and as you were about to say that u cant your mom stopped you saying “its one day off of school, your friends wont miss you that much” your mom said already knowing that you would say that you cant, “ill come with” you say with a defeated look.

[2011 march]

It was a peaceful afternoon until you heard someone yell your name loudly “Y/N!” you looked to see who it was, it was mark, you waved at him as he walked up to you “wanna go to the court?” he said “sure but just make sure you wont hit me this time” you said jokingly “I swear I'm so much better now” he said as you both started walking towards the court.

a few moments of joking around made you both realize that you liked each other

at the court he was playing with the ball as you sat on one of the benches “you should play too, it’s really easy” he said as you rolled your eyes “don’t roll your eyes at me!” he said jokingly, “if you make one in ill play with you” you said, he chuckled and said “bet” as he was getting ready to dunk the ball he quickly said “Y/N this is for you!” as he threw the ball, you probably know by now that he didn’t get the ball in, you laughed loudly as he kept trying to shoot the ball “that was a warm up I swear” he said “whatever you say” you said.

[2012]

“I wanna attend the SM auditions” mark said “go ahead” you added, “yea but I feel like I’ll miss my family, friends and all those things” he said “yeah but its more of a once in a lifetime thing if you do go though” you said “yeah but-” he was about to say something before you cut him and say “didn’t you say this was your dream? you should do it” you added “I’ll audition if you come with me to the place” he said while glaring at you “fine” you said

[2013]

mark auditioned, and guess what, he’s a trainee now,

big time skip, like very big

[2023]

It’s been a while since you’ve both spoken to each other as you both lost contact, he would sometimes ask his mom on how you were cause your mom’s were best friends, but for those times where he did his mom never really told him how you were and just teased him about it.

you recently saw that mark was going on tour and that he was going to your city.

you came home and checked your phone as your mom sent you a text saying “Marks mom is in the city, come over for dinner” you smiled seeing the text as you were happy that they were still friends, you quickly texted her back with a simple “okay”.

time skip bloop

you arrived at your moms house with flowers as a gift for the both of them, you knocked on the door as your mom opened it “hi honey” she said while taking your coat off and hanging it while marks mom walks towards the both of you, “hello” you said shyly as the three of you sat down at the dining table, “It’s been a long time since I’ve seen you Y/N, how are you” marks mom said “I’m doing good, just busy with school” you said, “aish this girl never goes out its irritating” your mom said as you sat there looking offended “so Y/N are you dating?” Mrs. lee said as you almost chocked on your own spit, both of them look at you concerned and curious “no, I just don’t have the time” you said with a grin on your face as she said “I have a son you know”. as the three of you chuckled.

time skip again cause why not

“I was thinking of attending marks concert, but I don’t wanna go alone so can you both come with me” Mrs. lee said with a smile on her face, your mom gladly said yes and as you were about to say that u cant your mom stopped you saying “its one day off of school, your friends wont miss you that much” your mom said already knowing that you would say that you cant, “ill come with” you say with a defeated look.

time skip

you guys arrived at the venue, and while waiting for them to come out a fan next to you asked “who’s your bias?’ with a smile on their face so obviously excited for them to perform you chuckled before you said “I like all of them, what about you?” the fan smiled as she said “I bias mark! I just love everything he does” and you agreed with her, as a few moments went by and you guys were still talking and the screams kept getting louder and louder, and that’s when you knew it. you knew that he finally achieved his dream of becoming an idol who was beloved by many, but also as a person that was still loved and respected by many, you couldn’t imagine how proud his family and his members were of him, you, you already knew how proud you were of him the moment that he decided that he would attend the auditions.

they appeared on stage and the crowd yelled like there was no tomorrow, you could feel the excitement through your veins, and you liked that.

as they were going through the crowd and focusing the camera on people that they recognized, like family, friends and co-idols and just fans in general, the camera focused on Mrs. lee and you and your mom, which caused you to freeze in place as the fan that you were talking to earlier made fun of you.

as you were frozen marks heart skipped a beat, well because his mom was there and they were gonna perform in those damn glass boxes but because of you too, he always wondered what you’ve been up to, and he has the chance now, well after the concert technically.

after they greeted the fans they all went to their places and mark had an idea as the first song they were gonna perform was very dear to him, why? it was a song that he wrote about you.

as they were getting ready to say, mark says four words, four words that are very familiar to you, he says “this is for you” while looking at you before they all start singing as his members look at him in terror knowing that they’ll get an earful later because of him.

time skip

The concert is over, you and the girl exchanged numbers as you made a new friend! mark has wanted to talk to you three so he begged his manager to let you guys backstage, you asked your mom if you could go home now but she wouldn’t let her as she wanted you and your childhood friend to meet again.

as the three of you arrived backstage you felt as if the world was gonna collapse under you, so you told her that u were gonna go to the restroom.

as the two of them arrived there the members greeted them with their full energy while mark was so obviously looking for something, or someone, “she’s at the restroom” his mom said with a smile on her face, mark quickly said “who?” to try to defend himself, his mother said “don’t act dumb, I know who you’re looking for, I just wanna know why you want to find her” mark sighed in defeat as he said “well we grew up together and she was my best friend” “and I miss her too” he quickly added, “that’s all?” said your mom and members in chorus.

“well-” he said before he saw you walking past, everyone confused they look in the same direction he was looking at and well, shockingly enough, it was you.

[kingfisherprince]

you bet I'm sending you a ⭐ for the fanfic asks :-)

well, i hope you don't mind me using this as an excuse to continue talking about the second fic in the series. once again horribly long, once again under the cut, once again i am talking too much.

i. intro

this one originally began life as 'blood stains when you fall' but that was… slightly too melodramatic, and didn’t really fit. but i had no clue what other kind of stains you could incur from hardcourts. eventually i decided, okay, the paint isn’t totally dry, you can get blue stains. great, top-notch reasoning there.

from the start, there’s something different - it’s novak’s pov. and this is for a number of reasons. hardcourts, of course, are his territory, and based on the original plan of big 3 surfaces plus side fedal, he would be next. but more than that, i am an absolute sucker for pov outsider fics, so. this was inevitable.

ii. Afterwards, he watches Rafa drop to the ground, exhausted, maybe-grinning, maybe-crying, damp hair falling into his face; when he gets to his feet Novak pulls him in for a hug, and doesn’t let go until he has to.

this was a really difficult line for me, believe it or not. and that’s because for the longest time, i didn’t think i was going to carry over the “afterwards” from pt 1. i thought i would come up with a new passage of time motif and weave that throughout this story, but that was really, really difficult. when i gave up and chose to use this again, it kickstarted my progress on the fic.

this starts at uso ‘10, which is an interesting place because i mean. we all know about novak’s 2011 season, but right before that, he’s still reasonably friendly with rafa. and that’s the angle we’re coming at this whole thing from - a deteriorating friendship alongside a relationship that needs fixing.

iii. Novak doesn’t really believe in the idea of next time. 

once again, something i didn’t expect to become important - or at least, not in the way that it did. i wrote this line intending to set up strongly for the ideas of “next times” and certainty, and i did that - but it also set up an even stronger theme, which is “belief.”

iv. It’s something like certainty. 

this is maybe the only true character study out of the fics in this series; it really focuses on novak’s outlook and the way that changes throughout the 2011 season as he wins, and keeps on winning. because he did, at some point, doubt himself here, and then he won this slam and it only went uphill.

so what kind of effect does that have on this character, a guy who doesn’t really believe in guarantees or tomorrows? how does that change him, how does he stay the same? these are just very interesting questions, and i didn’t know i was answering them until far later in this fic.

v. Here is a lie, and one most people think is true…[]

i added the reprise of “here is a lie” about… i’d say halfway through the writing of this fic. i was toying around with the idea, but having already carried over the “afterwards” motif, i didn’t know about this one. then i tested it out here and it just fit perfectly.

this section is an absolute ball of contradictions, which is probably fair, because novak is nothing if not contradictory. belief really solidified as a major theme around this point, so we have a guy who believes in everything and nothing, who is really struggling to know what to believe when his past tells him one thing, and his success tells him another.

even though i pulled the same structure of truths and lies here, they ended up saying something much different than in the first fic. whereas in that one it mattered what was true and what wasn’t, here it’s just a framing device for something that matters more: what you believe to be true or not.

vi. Afterwards, something settles in his chest; it feels a lot like certainty.

and then certainty comes back, the idea that as he keeps winning more, he gets more sure of his place in tennis. even though this is outsider pov of fedal's Sad Era, a lot of how it starts is novak's attention being split between that and his own life, because it's 2011 and everything is changing. 

at this point i feel like i could talk for a few million years about the first half of this fic, the pure introspection part, and never get to the second bit, which is the one with fedal.

vii. It’s unbelievable.

belief, again. i don't think i quite realized how repetitive some of these elements are until i did this commentary. the repetition makes it stronger, of course, ties it together more closely, but there was more variation on the anaphora in pt 1 for sure. that's probably a huge part of the reason i don't like this one as much.

but this line does have significance; until now, it's been all about how success leads to belief, but at the same time so much success almost defies belief, rises you up so high that all you know to do is fall into it, but someone like this novak - wary, wire-edged - stays on the edges of that belief instead.

viii. Here is the truth one more time: Novak Djokovic believes in everything, some days - but even on those days, he has never believed in such a thing as forever.

okay, this is it! i swear, this is the last thing before we actually talk about the interesting parts of this fic. the truth refrain comes back, but as is the case through most of this second part, it doesn't give us much of an answer.

this line in particular is my attempt at reckoning with novak as we know him, his contradictions and oddities and beliefs and disbeliefs and the fact that, despite everything, he is still my favourite player. it is, in many ways, a self-justification.

ix. Rafa has the same look in his eyes that he’d had for all of two years ago, half-wrecked with pain and near heartbreak, and back then he’d refused to say a word about it, and Novak had thought it was just his knees, but he’s starting to think maybe it was something else too, even back then.

alternatively: the paragraph where novak gets a Clue. he can be… very dense, which is why he didn't figure this out at any point in the preceding four years, and also gets easily caught up in his own life, which is why the fic takes such a long span of time. 

but at the end of the day, he really does care because he just wants everyone to go back to being happy. it's a contradictory sort of motivation, but he's a contradictory sort of person. something like that; i don't think i explained this very well.

x. Love, maybe, and people. And tennis, always.

this is where, after far too long, the belief motif gets broken down. a lot of things change, but these are the things that haven't changed in an entire lifetime, and never will. that's what you can really, truly believe in, always, and it won't let you down. 

as soon as i wrote this, i began to work off this as the fundamental essence of the belief motif, and changed it as needed in the sections i pulled it into.

xi.  it doesn’t even matter that Rafa won’t look him in the eye because he’s done it, he’s won Wimbledon. 

in between the themes of belief and actually reaching your dreams and the complexities of love and people being people, it’s important to remember this: a friendship, falling apart.

it makes me sad, it really does. there's almost an air of unrequited love to it. i didn't love writing this aspect of the fic because of that, but, well. it needed to be done, y'know?

xii. "Fuck you," is Roger's first response…[]

so finally, a literal year after he first notices that something is off, novak finds out. this seems sort of contrary to the way i wrote him - do everything now, because you don't know if you'll get any kind of tomorrow - but really, it just means this was pretty low on his priority list. now he's won just about everything, so he has time to ask.

this also highlights the difference in the way roger and rafa reacted after the mess that was the first fic ending. rafa got sad, and then got injured, and then got sadder. roger got sad, and then he got angry, and he stays angry through the time of this conversation. 

xiii. Afterwards, Novak thinks if he doesn't find out now, he might never get the chance.

didn't i just say he doesn't feel the "no tomorrows” pressure when it comes to talking about this? so why is this line there? there wouldn't be any reason for him to worry about this normally. but he's just beaten rafa for the nth time in a row, and remember: a friendship, fraying, almost worn away completely by this point. if he doesn't find out now, he might not have enough of it left to try again.

xiv. “So,” he says as they walk into the locker room…[]

my favourite scene in the entire fic, and maybe the entire series, is also the first one i wrote. i was having a tricky time with writer's block, but i forced myself to start this conversation, and then i just kept going. 

one of the most difficult things about the anaphora and motif-heavy style that this is written in is that i have no space for my sense of humour. so i pretty much poured the entire thing into this scene, and i love how it turned out. the best one-liner is definitely the "love advice at 40-15.” i'm also pretty fond of the line that got used as the fic summary. 

special thanks to @boockaroo for giving me dozens of spanish insults to choose from. i was originally going to just use one, but then they were so good that i added a couple more.

xv. The thing about sadness is this…[]

it's easy to say: rafa is sad. he's been sad since before the beginning of this fic, and continues to be sad part way through the next one. and, because he's not built for this kind of sadness, that becomes really obvious.

i'm more interested in this, though: who are the people that are built for sadness? i implied an answer, but i want to know what y'all think. that's really what this section is about.

xvi. Do not meddle in the affairs of your rivals wizards, for they are not at all subtle and none of your business quick to anger.

was this me panicking upon realising i didn't have strikethrough text for this fic, and adding one at the last possible minute? oh, absolutely. do i still like this line? yes, because it's lord of the rings.

xvii. final scene

unique among the final scenes because of two things: it's over a phone, and it doesn't take place on the court. although it does take place before a hardcourt tournament final (miami 2012, which novak and andy played in reality. it was more convenient for me this way.)

this is a lot more typical of my writing style, this kind of character interaction, banter, nonsense, people solving problems by talking to each other. that's why all the final scenes are conversations. that, and i like to think i have a good handle on voices, which lets me give weight to the dialogue without it feeling ooc.

as one relationship is getting counseling - roger and rafa's, courtesy novak - the other one, rafole's friendship, finally finishes falling apart. i don't think i intended for the perpendicular storylines to be there when i started out, but it heightens both themes.

i brought back most of the most important lines as parentheses in this one, even if i hadn't previously established them as motifs. that change in method is something i took through into pt 3.

xviii. Afterwards…[]

there are a couple of really important "afterwards" in this section, which is why i highlighted the entire section, and not just one part. first, there's the one where rafa says he's going to try - he looks in pain, because this is the point when his knees are starting to flare up, but he's also happy. it's a juxtaposition of pain, which happens a lot more in pt 3.

the other important one is the very last line. it completes what i think is the binding thread of the fic, which is an outside view of a relationship, and a friendship falling apart. by saying novak "thinks they'll figure it out" he's removing himself from the equation of rafa&roger, and accepting the end of a friendship. 

this is the end of his viewpoint, and of his involvement in the story. at the same time, by separating him from the other two, it does justice to the fact that this is also very much his fic.

xix. random stuff

this fic defied all my best attempts at finding music, so i will just say that its soundtrack is silence. but if you listen to anything with this, make it "don't" by eAeon.

xx. final thoughts

this part was. a lot.

it took the longest time, because writer's block hit me hard through all parts of it. it's my least favourite, because of how repetitive it seems at times, without ever reaching poetic prose. it was the one i was most uncertain about, because novak is… controversial at best. 

i thought a lot about not posting it, just keeping the series to two parts. i thought, even after i finished it, about deleting the whole thing. it felt self-indulgent and unnecessary.

but now it is what it is. i probably won't look back at this one as much as i will the others, but i'm proud. not really of it, but of myself, for overcoming all of that and still writing, in my eyes, a decent fic.

so, yeah. that was blue stains.