#and it doesnt help that theyre the two i find to be the hottest in the show | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

normal-thoughts-official · 3 years

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ClaryxMaiaxIzzy cam girl?

hmmmm interesting thought. again i don't really see maia and clary as camgirls, im not sure why (for clary it might be just that shes not my type tbh so whats the point. altho the one thought i have about it is @thesorrowoflizards's post about how clary wants everyone to believe she's a real redhead so i picture her like dyeing her pubes the same color lmao. sorry i put u in the same sentence as clary's pubes ezra babe love u) but... izzy would make a great camgirl 👌

i mean maia would too but eh i figure she has her job with bartending that she likes and i picture her being neutral towards camming ao like... no particular reason to pick that job u know? but anyway

im thinking established clizzy just because idk clary doesnt strike me as the kind of person who uses onlyfans or whatever and also like they have that whole soft thing where they dress each other going on so that's cute? or like not Dressing Each Other but izzy picking out lingerie to go with her strap for her next scene and clary helping her out when izzy does that whole casually sexy thing of holding her different bodices in front of the mirror and pouting and trying to see which one goes best

and clary is all like "you look good in anything" and izzy is all "thank you but 'anything' won't get me enough tips to take you to dinner this month". and just idk Tenderness with clary helping her get ready and then as she's about to begin filming clary leaves the room all like "blow them away baby" and izzy goes "oh they wish i'd blow them alright" which always makes clary laugh

then whenever izzy is done clary's like "hey babe how did it go?" and izzy is all proud of herself "i think we just upgraded to [fancier restaurant]" and they're both delighted

(this is so not what u were expecting when u sent this ask i know im sorry)

anyway! so i think maia and izzy would meet at some nerdy scientist shit (maybe they're working together?) and either maia was already a fan and she's like ohhnmyh godddddddddd conceal dob't feel don't be creepy she probably gets a lot of creeps be COOL be COOL don't let her know that you think she's the hottest girl in the business SHES EVEN HOTTER IN PERSON AAAAAAAA hiimmaia, OR she doesn't know immediately but finds out at some point (honestly i don't rhink izzy would hide it so maybe izzy herself mentions it in passing and then winks at maia and tells her to check it out cuz she's a flirt first and foremost) and goes to check it out while Experiencing Guilt™ because maybe she developed an instant crush on the super hot smart girl that's just as passionate as her about their project, sue her

and anyway she goes to check it out and THEN she panicks like oh my godd shes so hOT and i didn't know that i needed to see her stroking her strap and telling me that if i'm a good girl i'll get to be fucked but i really really DID need it

both have their merits i think

anyway maia and izzy become friends pretty quickly cuz like they DO have a lot in common especially in a mundane au. and i have half a mind to have her be disappointed that izzy's got a gf cuz she assumes monogamy but also like... she gets to meet clary and she's also kind of sweet and really fun with that whole fiery thing she's got going on and it's nice to see how passionate she is and goddamn it maia has a crush on a couple again

and anyway the disappointment drama doesn't last long cuz again izzy did flirt with her and she probably mentions that theyre polyamorous in like a second and probably throws in a pickup line for good measure and maia might be the Bi Trans Girl Who Panicks When Flirting With Girls™ but she's also a quick study and soon enough she's flirting back and hhhh

somehow this is still a slow burn tho cuz they kinda don't take that extra step and maia kind of considers that maybe izzy is the kind of person who flirts with everyone cuz i mean, it is part of her job to be a good flirt. and izzy flirts a lot but actually liking someone without a sexual arrangement coming first makes her be a little more hesitant cuz like... sex is kind of The Thing Izzy Is Good At in her own head, and she's used to starting off with that, you know?

plus they're coworkers at izzy's other job that really matters to her and actually involves having a boss to answer to so that might be a problem

idk how this gets resolved tbh maybe they have a really great breakthrough at some point and they basically solve it together and they're all hugs and delightfulness and maia just goes "go out with me" and izzy's got that whole doe eyes thing going on and she's all breathless like "i thought youd never ask" and hhhhh im a sappy soft BITCH

i forgot about clary aaaaaaaaa and i think maia getting with clary would take a little while longer cuz they don't see each other as much as maia and izzy do, but like... izzy is having dates with them both all the time cuz she works two jobs and wants to make the best out of her time, okay. and maia and clary get along and slowly go from metamours to lovers (underrated dynamic tbh) and yeah

and hh can i just say.... maia and izzy's first time would be so good and sweet. izzy's got that whole Soft Domme thing going on tbh so i just picture her like worshipping maia's cock, slowly fingering her and whispering that she's so beautiful, she's doing so well, she's such a good girl. and then fucking her really slowly and tenderly probably holding hands or some shit cuz she is that bitch and her hair falls a bit over her face when she looks down at maia all adoring and gives her a drawn out orgasm that has her completely sated and breathless and then izzy kisses her face all over and the cornera of her lips and smiles

and maia goes "god, this is so much better than watching the videos" and izzy is One Hundred Percent Delighted like "you did watch the videos!!" and asks her what her favorites were and maia is like "uhh" and she's all "what? we can recreate them ;)" and maia's bi ass just spills all her thoughts right then and there, and they get right down to it

#sh #clizzy #maiabelle #claiabelle #izzy lightwood #maia roberts #clary fray #smut #trans maia smut #camgirls au #i might be a bit in love with this #ask #anonymous #trans maia roberts

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shhh-no-ones-home · 4 years

Text

open skies miw x reader

+++++++++ Waterpark day turned stormy weather

(temp is 110 Fahrenheit, 43.3 Celsius)

Song: no better by lorde

tag list: @musicsexandpizza69 @svintsandghosts @alilpunkrock @theoneandonlykymberlee @cynic-spirit @lifeisabitchandsoareyou +++++++++

As much as I hated to admit it I was kind of glad to be back, deep, in the Midwest for a day or two. It happened to be the hottest day of summer and we also just happened to be going to a water park for the day. I was beyond excited. I hadn't been to a water park since moving to wilkes barre and that was years ago. When the bus pulled into the parking lot I was practically running to get inside the park, swim suit and towel in hand. The guys just didn't understand. As soon as I hit the ground outside the bus I was already sweaty, I could tell they all were too. but it was almost worth it.

"Come on guys, don't look so disappointed."

I joked, Vinny raising his hand to cover his eyes from the sun.

"I get you're excited but Did we have to do this on a 110° day though?"

I shook my head at him, walking backwards through the parking lot.

"Just wait, as soon as we get in and changed we'll be cool in no time."

Ricky smiled at me.

"Let's hope you're right."

I nodded.

"That's the spirit!"

When we got to the gate we each got a ticket and walked through the turnstiles. The locker rooms were right inside and I turned to look at them all as they followed me in.

"Wanna get changed and meet here or are we doing this separately today?"

I asked, looking between them all. A few shrugged.

"Whatever works, I'm sure we all probably wanna do different things. As long as we are back here by five to go we'll be good."

I nodded.

"Got it, well then I guess I'll see some of you around. I'm gonna go change. If anyone wants to mat-race meet me here after you've got your suit on."

I said with a wink.

"You're on."

Justin said, Chris nodding in agreement.

"Oh yeah, I'd like to get in on that action. Both of you are going down."

he said a little cocky. A few of the other guys just shook their heads and walked into the locker room. I did the same on the other side of the building, getting changed and rinsed quickly so I could get this day started. When I walked back out, towel in hand I frowned.

"Why the long face?"

Ryan asked, coming up beside me, making me jump.

"Jesus ry, kill a girl why don't'cha."

He laughed at me, leaning against the concrete wall behind us.

"Just making life a little more interesting."

I sent him a look before looking to the sky. A breeze was starting to pick up and I was a little concerned. When Chris came out he noticed something wrong immediately, looking to the sky too. He nudged me

"Hey y/n, how's the weather?"

He asked, looking to me to see if that's what was wrong. I sent him a smirk.

"Aren't we supposed to ask you that? You're the tall one after all."

He sent me a look as Justin came out to join us. I watched as he tossed his beach towel over his shoulders.

"You know what I meant. You always say you know when it's gonna rain."

I looked back to the sky, and inhaled deeply.

"yes, yes I can."

He looked at me expectantly.

"Was it supposed to rain today?"

A few of the others shrugged, so did I.

"I don't think so but I Give it two hours."

I said looking around at the team. They all nodded.

"Let's get to it then."

°°°°°°°°°

Damn I hated being right. I mean, don't get me wrong, it had its perks but still. I wish this one time I would've been wrong. No sooner than we had entered the lazy river the sky just opened up. It had begun pouring down rain with little to no remorse. It would've been fine had there not been lightning. Damn the lightning. All the lifeguards were rushing people out of the water, Chris taking my hand so he wouldn't lose me in the crowd and pulling me to the side walk. When we were under the canopy of the food shack he started to laugh. I looked at him like he was crazy.

"What's so funny?"

I asked and he shook his head.

"How often do we get a day off and it actually go as planned?"

I couldn't help laughing at the revelation too. He was right though.

"I wish it were more often than it is."

I confirmed with him and he nodded.

"You and me both."

I shook my head.

"Do you think we should find the rest of the guys?"

I asked and he shrugged.

"It's not even three yet, do you think they'd be ready to leave already?"

I frowned and thought for a second.

"I'm honestly not sure."

He looked up for a second and I followed his gaze. Across the concrete slab was Ryan and aj standing under a beach umbrella, laughing with each other. Well I guess that sort of answered that question.

"they look like theyre gonna wait it out."

i said, laughing a little to myself, chris' gaze following my own.

"i guess youre right."

i looked up to him and drew my brows as i saw him look around, then he turned and left me.

"chris?"

i asked, following him to the food counter.

"would any of you happen to know how long this is supposed to last?"

he asked and the girl working the counter shrugged, looking to the other girl behind her.

"weatherman says it could get worse, it is tornado season after all. there isnt an official watch yet but that could change."

he nodded slowly.

"thanks."

he said, tapping the counter and turning to me with a wide smile across his face.

"dont give me that look."

i said. i knew exactly what he was thinking.

"oh come on, we could get everyone on the bus and go to the movies or something."

i couldnt help laughing a little at him.

"we were supposed to have a fun waterpark day."

i said as we made our way back over to the canopy.

"and we did, but the weather said its over."

i sighed, looking back over to where ryan and aj were and watching them approach us. i looked back to chris.

"fine, but only because they dont think its gonna get better any time soon."

he fist pumped the air.

"yes!"

"whats so exciting?"

aj asked, shaking his hair out like a dog as they joined us under the canopy. it was still pouring and was getting harder to hear over the rain hitting the roof.

"they said its not gonna stop any time soon, so what do you guys think of heading back to the bus and going to the movies or something?"

chris asked expectantly and they both shrugged, side nodding at the suggestion.

"do you think the other guys would be down with that?"

ryan asked. chris looked very hopeful, he didnt want to be here in the first place so going somewhere dry, dark, and requiring you to be fully clothed was definitely on his agenda.

"a guy can hope."

he said, elated.

"only one way to find out though. lets see if we can find the rest of them or at least head back to the locker rooms. if anything its a storm shelter so we'll be safe there either way."

the three of them nodded and we headed that way, each of us squinting and blinking quickly as the rush of rain came over us. when we hit the front of the park again the rest of the crew were there under the rooftop of the building, talking amongst themselves.

"look, guess we got lucky today after all."

i said as we reached them. vinny frowned at me.

"hey y/n, sorry about the weather but i guess you cant always win a day off huh."

i laughed a little bit.

"hey i got my two hours to shine, but there is a certain someone in our group that was wondering if, since this isnt supposed to let up anytime soon, if you guys wanted to load up and go see a movie or something nearby."

they all looked to chris as he nodded frantically.

"thoughts?"

he asked excited and a few of them laughed.

"i think we could swing that."

logan said, chris looking to me with a wide smile on his face.

"great, lets get changed then and get out of here."

he said, making us all laugh again, watching him walk into the locker room. i shook my head.

"so its settled then. ill go get changed and meet you guys back out here to leave."

they all nodded.

"i guess that means we have to agree on a movie now."

rick said in defeat and i couldnt help laughing to myself.

"doesnt it always?"

i said, sending him a look as i walked backwards to the door. he shook his head, smiling at me.

"of course it does."

#wattpad #x reader #miw #ricky horror #chris motionless #Ryan Sitkowski #justin morrow #vinny mauro #imagines #one shots #273

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mistymark · 6 years

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the one with the step stool.

nakamoto yuta x reader // barista!au // enemies to lovers!au

summary: in which you and yuta are coworkers and he finds it funny that you can’t reach the things on the top shelf

lets get this started then

can I just say

you absolutely adored your job

like most people hated their jobs? not you

working at the quaint coffee shop was the highlight of your day; talking to the old ladies who came in for morning tea every week, having friendly debates with the suits who came in during rush hour as you made their coffees, fun discussions with the other students and making new close friends with your coworkers

all in all, work was great

was

over the summer, when it started to get really busy as the weather looked up, your manager started hiring some new summer staff

enter yuta

okay not gonna lie the first time you saw him you thought he was hella attractive and couldnt wait to work with him

but that was until he began openly flirting with all the customers, and boasting to one of your coworkers about how much money he got in tips from it

and honestly, it began to piss you off

who the hell does he think he is

he was so cute and flirty with all the customers but so teasing when it came to you

and no it wasn't cute you hate the guy shut up

“y/n can u stop staring at my ass” “im trying to see how many muffins are in the case, asshole”

“hey y/n,,, like what you see?” “I wasn't even looking at you until you said my name wtf”

and no he wasn't a fuckboy!!!!! but he was definitely flirtatious

“y/n you missed a spot” “no I didnt I just finished wiping this table down” “no, not that,,, the bit of drool,, from looking at me” “oh my god shut up”

most of the time u worked the machine whilst he was on registers

but one of the other girls in the back went away on a holiday, so u started covering her in the office

which meant you had to be able to reach all the files in the top cabinets

and okay,, you weren't SHORT per say... but u were sorta

vertically challenged

and Yuta had taken it upon himself to help bully you whenever you needed ingredients from the top shelves when u were in the kitchen

so watching u try and reach for the files every day made him cACKLE

literally it was the funniest shit to him

“do u need a hand” “oh uh, yes please” “come on y/n just take it” “YOURE HOLDING IT OVER YOUR HEAD YOU LITTLE SHIT I CANT REACH IT”

anyway

one day you come in to work

and you roll your eyes at him when he sends you a grin from the registers

and roll your eyes even hARDER when he winks

when u walk into the office you're working in, theres a small pink step stool sitting on the desk, heart and rainbow stickers stuck all over it

theres also just a pile of glitter sitting on the top, like not glued on or anything, just sitting in a pile on the black surface

immediately your smile drops and you turn around in a fit of rage, and he's already standing there smugly, his arms crossed as he leans against the doorframe

“nakamoto yuta i am going to KILL you” you march up to him, your eyes shooting daggers

his eyes widen a little as you stand as close as possible to him, your finger pointed at him “you're such an asshole you know that?”

his smile never falters “you’re really cute when you're mad”

in a huff, you stomp back to your desk, grab the step stool and set it down at his feet

he laughs softly at your actions and watches as you stand on the stool confidently

“bet im not cute anymore”

he shakes his head at you and leans back quickly to make sure he’s not going to get in trouble for abandoning his work

“nope” he assures you

not gonna lie,, it kinda hurt

he saw the smile falter on your face

“well, uh... good, I-”

he glances down at the stool, before dragging his eyes up to your face, hovering above his “not cute exactly, I'd say more hot, but it’s whatever” he grins cheekily at you as he watches the small, shy smile appear on your face

“um? thank you?” you let your hands drop and you keep eye contact as you step off the stool and kick it forcefully into the corner of the room

he doesnt leave

“dont you have something better to do? like, idk, your job?”

“shouldn't I be asking you the same thing?”

“whatever yuta”

later that week, you’re collecting your payslip from the box theyre kept in after your shift when yuta joins you

for once in his lifetime, he doesnt make any jokes as he easily reaches up and grabs it for you from above the cupboards

he huffs dramatically as he searches for his from the box “why can't they just do it in alphabetical order or something wtf”

“im sure its there somewhere”

“I can't find it”

“just grab it next week then”

“I can't, this is my last week”

“you're quitting?” you stop, looking up at him, instantly feeling as if it was your fault

he sent you a small smile because of ur concern, and continues looking through the box “no, im only summer staff, remember? and last time I checked, this is the last week of summer”

“so, you're not going to work here anymore” you couldnt believe it

“pretty sure thats what it means, yeah” he looked amusedly at you

when you didnt respond: “you gonna miss me, shortstack? no one to get the files down for you”

you snorted, “doubt it, and besides, I have a stool”

but to tell the truth, part of you was going to miss him

you continue to rifle through the pile you have in your hands and you find his

“this is yours right?” he looks up and makes to grab his payslip from you

“come on yuta just take it” you mock as you hold it out away from him

he reaches out to grab it and you move your arm behind your back, and he doesnt hesitate to reach around you to try and get it back

“um” you start, when both of his arms are wrapped around you, trying to snatch the envelope from your hands

it wasn't because you were freaked out because this wasn't normal, it was because you were freaked out because it did feel normal

it felt like he should always have his hands wrapped around you

and you didnt mean to ruin it;

he stopped instantly, taking in your position

you were standing there, one of his arms holding you to his chest to prevent you from moving, as his other reached for your hand

your other hand was resting on his shoulder as he bent down slightly to reach down your back

you stayed like that for a moment; trying to gage each other’s reactions

because if he wasn't lying; he was quite enjoying how flushed he made you, and how cute he thought your habits were while you were working

and how pretty you looked every morning when you walked in, and how you still looked gorgeous at the end of the day

okay okay maybe mAYBE yuta had a slight thing for you

but you would never take him seriously because of his constant flirting

“sorry” he pulled his arms away from you, taking a small step back

“no, no, um- here” you offered him the payslip

he took it, nodded and left

okay what the fuck just happened

did u have a thing for yuta

surely not

okay maybe

yes?

well this wasn't supposed to happen lol

the following week, after four days of not seeing yuta working with you, and with your friend coming back you were working the machine again, so u felt extra lonely

dont get me wrong, like your other friends were great, but you couldnt help miss him

especially with the small moment you'd had only a few days ago

the days passed much slower, but you continued your work diligently

“one regular iced mocha please”

your head shot up at his voice, and he sent you a wide grin as he met your eyes, then focused back on the girl serving him, grabbing out his wallet from his pocket

he stood waiting for his coffee beside the machine

“how have you been?” you tried to sound casual, not wanting to let on how excited you were to see him

he smiled happily “good, tho I miss working here”

“is that why you're back so soon”

“actually...” you looked up as you waited for the machine to finish pouring the hot liquid into a cup

“I wanted to ask if you were busy after your shift”

you felt a smile creep up on your face

you nodded happily, biting your lip to stop him from seeing your obvious reaction

“you still finish at 3 on Fridays right?”

“yeah” you blushed a little and began to focus on your coffees again

“iced coffee for,, hottest man alive?” you frowned at the docket you'd been handed

“wow y/n thats not necessary but thank you” he laughed and stepped closer to collect his coffee

“nakamoto yuta i will-”

“kill me? okay, y/n, but you’ve gotta wait” he checked the time “seven minutes until your shift ends”

seven minutes later, you hung up your apron and grabbed your things, stashing them on the chair beside yuta, as he stood up to leave

“I just have to grab my payslip” you turned around to rush to the backroom

“I got it”

you cocked your head confusedly at him

he held it up, then moved it to above his head

you jutted your hip out and crossed your arms over your chest, unimpressed

he lowered his hand, offering it out to you, level with his chest

quietly, he said “come on y/n just take it”

you cocked an eyebrow at him and reached out to grab it, but he grabbed your wrist with his free hand, pulling you into him, and bending down to reach your face, he closed the gap between your lips

you stood there, surprised, before you felt yourself smile and kiss him back

your hands forgot about the payslip and moved around his neck, pulling him against you

he moved the hand with your payslip in it around you waist, supporting you

he pulled away and you pouted at him

“dont give me that look, I came here to take you on a date, not just make out with you”

“funny, I like the second idea more” you mumbled, stashing your payslip into your bag

“hey it took me two months to work up the courage to ask you out, you’re not throwing my date away this easily”

you grabbed his hand as you stepped out onto the sidewalk

“really? two months?”

he laughed as he lead you down the busy street

“you have no idea”

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curlyshepards · 7 years

Note

LITERALLY i want all of them for curly shepard

IM SORRY TO THE MOBILE USERS WHO THIS WILL NOT APPEAR UNDER A READ MORE FOR

What does their bedroom look like?

idk why i’m such a firm believer of this BUT: tim and curly share a room, so typically half of it is clean and the other half (curly’s half) is a fucking mess all the time

Do they have any daily rituals?

every day for lunch at school him & his friends just go under the bleachers and drink. unfortunately curly has no limits so when lunch is over he usually just ends up ditching the rest of the day to go continue drinking somewhere else

Do they exercise, and if so, what do they do? How often?

he doesn’t make a conscience effort to exercise, but he walks basically everywhere when tim has the car. so he’s in pretty good shape bc of that & bc of fighting

What would they do if they needed to make dinner but the kitchen was busy?

curly has never made dinner a day in his life and will never make an attempt to nor does anyone want him to. if theres nothing already made at the house he’ll either just go without or go to the diner

Cleanliness habits (personal, workspace, etc.)

he’s a generally messy person, but he takes pride in his looks so he takes care of himself. he’s always clean shaven and smells really good. his room, however, is a disaster scene

Eating habits and sample daily menu

usually not awake for breakfast, and for lunch he’ll scrap up whatever he can find in his house (probably ends up being a sandwich or cereal) and for dinner he’ll follow tim somewhere and make him buy him dinner. he loves eating at the diner and never underestimate his ability to eat breakfast meals at 11 o clock at night

Favorite way to waste time and feelings surrounding wasting time

his sole reason for going to school is to waste time (thats what he tells everyone at least but its rlly because tim will not let him drop out) but if hes not in school then he’s probably just walking around his neighborhood w/ his friends or hanging out at the strip trynna start fights

Favorite indulgence and feelings surrounding indulging

dont.....really know what this means. all im thinkin about is that chocolate stuff. but he likes chocolate so lets go with that. he could eat 50 kit kats in a row, probably

Makeup?

makeup sex? absolutely. he’ll start a fight with his boo just for the sex

Neuroses? Do they recognize them as such?

i honestly dont see him having a mental illness

Intellectual pursuits?

intellectual isn’t really his thing. BUT i can see him really liking labs and stuff

Favorite book genre?

he hATES reading, but mostly because he’‘s dyslexic and he was brought up thinking that he was dumb bc he had trouble reading. ponyboy is the one that ends up helping him, though, and sometimes he’ll read to curly (action books bc they’re the only ones that’ll keep curly’s attention. there are numerous times he regrets the decision bc curly cant keep quiet for more than a few minutes.)

Sexual Orientation? And, regardless of own orientation, thoughts on sexual orientation in general?

(i can already see the purly supporters @’ing me yikes) but PERSONALLY i think he’s straight. idk what this means by thoughts on s.o. in general but im bisexual ??? idc about sexual orientation ??

Physical abnormalities? (Both visible and not, including injuries/disabilities, long-term illnesses, food-intolerances, etc.)

he’s got a lot of scars, mostly on his knuckles but a few up and down his arms. he’s deathly allergic to seafood but doesn’t care bc it looks gross to him anyway.

Biggest and smallest short term goal?

biggest: honestly just making it through another day is an achievement to him

smallest: he swears that one day he will beat sodapop curtis in a drag race

Biggest and smallest long term goal?

biggest: being as respected as tim is when he’s older

smallest: he will own a puppy at some point

Preferred mode of dress and rituals surrounding dress

white t-shirt, jeans, tennis shoes, and if its not too hot then a leather jacket. he hates jean jackets tho and WILL make fun of anyone who wears them

Favorite beverage?

beer. but also pepsi. hes weird.

What do they think about before falling asleep at night?

we’re about to get deep. on good nights he just thinks about his day. there’s never a boring time with him, so he’s always got a lot to think about. he could be thinking about a girl he’s met or just hooked up with, or about what his friends got into. on bad nights though, he thinks about his dad and how he never got to know him. he thinks about how maybe he’ll never be like tim, and he’ll never be the brother that angie falls back on (that doesn’t bother him as much as it should, but it still pops into his mind) the number one thing that keeps him awake is never amounting to the shepard name

Childhood illnesses? Any interesting stories behind them?

just stupidity. he broke a lot of bones, needed a lot of stitches, and was bed bound too many times to count. there was one incident that tim loves to tell: the first time curly got into a fight. the guy was two times bigger than curly, but he didn’t care. the fight was done in 5 minutes, and curly had his first broken nose

Turn-ons? Turn-offs?

turn ons: i can see him really liking outgoing girls/ girls that are upfront. also neck kisses, collarbone kisses, hair pulling, back scratching

turn offs: daddy kink (seriously, its gross, stop forcing this on my son. he already has enough daddy issues) but nothing else really he will do basically anything

Given a blank piece of paper, a pencil, and nothing to do, what would happen?

either a very crude & poorly done drawing or a sign that says “curly is the hottest shepard”

How organized are they? How does this organization/disorganization manifest in their everyday life?

he is NOT. it doesnt really bother him that hes disorganized, but it drives tim up the wall. he’s always getting onto curly for being a slob

Is there one subject of study that they excel at? Or do they even care about intellectual pursuits at all?

he doesn’t really care, but since he’s forced to go to school he might as well enjoy something, which ends up being the labs in science. he likes the dissections, mostly, but he thinks looking into the microscopes are cool too (mostly bc him and his friends make shapes out of the slides)

How do they see themselves 5 years from today?

alive, hopefully

Do they have any plans for the future? Any contingency plans if things don’t workout?

he kinda just takes it day by day and doesnt care about the future. hes a strong believer that things will fall into place if theyre supposed to happen

What is their biggest regret?

probably being too emotional and not toughening up enough when he was younger

Who do they see as their best friend? Their worst enemy?

SO this is an OC but his best friend is a guy in the gang named brian. his worst enemy is also in the gang and his name is jimmy and he fucking hates that kid.

Reaction to sudden extrapersonal disaster (eg The house is on fire! What do they do?)

he’s probably the one that caused the disaster, so he immediately tries to fix it on his own. which usually works, but it leaves a mess behind that he’ll attempt (and fail) to cover up. a few hours later he’ll get chewed out by tim.

Reaction to sudden intrapersonal disaster (eg close family member suddenly dies)

so lets say tim dies. tim is the only person that curly is really close to, because if there’s one thing that he learned from his brother it’s to never let anyone too close. but he always thought that tim would be there for him so he worshipped him. but ANYWAY tim dies and curly shuts down. i can honestly see him losing it bc tim was all curly ever knew, he was always there to fix the mess curly got himself in and now he’s just kinda alone in the world. he’d still have the gang, but they’d remind him too much of his brother, so he’d eventually cut ties with them. it’d take a major, new person to bring him out of his stump, and thats if he ever really brings himself back to normal

Most prized possession?

the hand-me-down leather jacket tim gave him

Thoughts on material possessions in general?

doesnt really care about them bc he doesnt have a lot. he likes the things with meaning, but couldnt care less about expensive & nice things

Concept of home and family?

hes VERY family oriented and a huge mama’s boy, but he hates his step dad. he’d do anything to protect angela and anything that tim asked him. family always comes first with him

Thoughts on privacy? (Are they a private person, or are they prone to ‘TMI’?)

it kinda depends. on his sexual life hes really TMI, but about emotions and family and secrets he’s really private. you could count on one hand the amount of people that he’s told private stuff to, and even then they don’t know the full story. i think the only people who would ever truly know him are tim and his significant other

What activities do they enjoy, but consider to be a waste of time?

football!! and hes actually good at it. tim never plays tho so the only time he gets to is with the curtis gang

What makes them feel guilty?

fucking up on a gang job and letting tim down

Are they more analytical or more emotional in their decision-making?

more emotional!! that’s the biggest difference between curly and tim. tim will think of the long-term effects before making a decision, where curly is more of an “act now, think later” type person. his decisions are usually the wrong ones, but they make for a better story

Would they consider themselves a Type A or Type B personality?

i’d wanna say type B, because he is super laid back and easy going and isn’t really competitive (unless its for a joke)

What recharges them when they’re feeling drained?

getting away for a while. he loves driving and ive always seen him as having a little secluded spot that he goes to by himself during his teenage years. eventually though he finds the right person that he can take, and just being with them makes him feel better

Would you say that they have a superiority-complex? Inferiority-complex? Neither?

neither tbh. he may think that he’s better than some greasers (because honestly he is) but he doesnt think of himself as above other classes. he finds it unfair that socs and middle class people have a superiority complex, so it’d be dumb for him to have one. he just thinks everyone should be equal (but he knows theyre not, and for that reason he’ll fight any soc he can get his hands on)

How misanthropic are they?

hes very easy to get along with if you come from the same type of neighborhood. he’s open to everyone that’s cool with his gang, but he’ll be the worst kind of person to rival gangs and rich people. so he doesnt dislike people, because he can be a really cool guy, you just have to come from his streets

Hobbies?

football, fighting, drinking, poker. y’know, d00d stuff

How far did they get in formal education? What are their views on formal education vs self-education?

he graduates high school and thats it. and he definitely values self education more, the stuff he’s learned by himself ahve been more useful to him than the Pythagorean theorem ever will be

Religion?

he believes in a god but never really thinks about it. hes not religious by any means but i think it kinda comforts him knowing something comes after life

Superstitions or views on the occult?

he doesnt believe in superstitions imo!!

Do they express their thoughts through words or deeds?

both. he’ll talk a big game and then follow through with his promises

If they were to fall in love, who (or what) is their ideal?

THE QUESTION IVE BEEN WAITING FOR OK if curly ever fell in love, it’d be with someone making him feel okay with being him. they’d make him want to be a better man & not just a mini tim. they’d have to accept that curly would always idolize his brother, but they’d also help him detach a little. they’d love him for him and accept the fact that they can’t change him. they’d probably be just as wild as he is, bc they’d have to keep up with his lifestyle. they couldn’t take life too seriously and would never know what the future had in store for them. i can see curly eventually being able to be romantic, but it’d never be in public

How do they express love?

kisses, holding hands, little acts of kindness (giving them something that reminded him of them, asking how their day was, remembering little things)

If this person were to get into a fist fight, what is their fighting style like?

daddy came to win

Is this person afraid of dying? Why or why not?

nah i dont think he is. i think he’s kinda accepted that there is a very real possibility that he won’t make it past 30 w the way he’s living, so that’s why he takes it day by day

#long post #VERY LONG PSOT #Anonymous

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bangzchan · 7 years

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au where isak is moving out and even’s the guy who helps with that/taking his stuff to his new place and while theyre outside packing into the car, isak hears a familiar voice greet him and he freezes and turns around and its julian, his ex, holding another boy’s hand and isak screams inside but puts on a smile “hey julian. what are you doing here?” and julian looks at his boyfriend, “we’re on a house hunt. moving in together” and isak clenches his jaw bc fuck that, THEY were supposed to do that months ago before they broke up. then he looks back at isak “and you? moving out?” and isak panics and doesnt think twice about what he’s saying, “yeah actually im moving out to move in with my boyfriend” and he wishes he could take it back or just run but he stands still and julians like “boyfriend?” and isak wants to wipe that smirk off his face, “where is he then?” and then isak hears the car door close and then even is walking towards them with a smile, work finished, and isak just. “here.” and even stands next to isak and is looking between him and julian, “hm?” and isaks like “this is even, my boyfriend. im moving in with him”

and he’s SO glad he remembered his name when he introduced himself that morning and even, without any hesitation, holds out a hand for julian to shake, “nice to meet you, uh sorry, who are you again?” and julian clenches his jaw, “julian. his ex.” and even smirks, “oh! didnt hear that much about you” and puts an arm around isaks waist and okay wow. he’s really thankful for even but also his hand holding his side feels weirdly good. and then julian’s boyfriend introduces himself too and then theyre just looking at each other until julians like, “how long have you been together” and isak and even a different length at the same time and fuck, isaks not convincing enough (and he shouldnt be, why is he trying) “we dont really care about that. we just enjoy each other” and julian hums, “we should have a double date” and even’s thumb presses deep into his skin, but isak is too quick to reply with a “yeah, totally” and he hates himself and julians boyfriend is furrowing his eyebrows but they leave with afterwards with “see you on friday then. i’ll text you the place” and then when theyre alone, even is looking at isak, “not sure i can do friday” and isak shakes his head, “no,of course, i’ll just make up an excuse. sorry for dragging you into this”.

and then on thursday morning isak gets a call and its from even, “so i got tomorrow off and..i could go to that date with you?” and isak has been pacing in his new flat for hours and he’s so thankful but tries to be chill, “i mean if its not trouble” and even laughs, “should be fun, honey!” and isak groans, “dont call me honey” and evens like “okay then, can i call you ..hm..baby?” and shit ,that sounds really good coming from his mouth. so isak nods, then realizes even cant see him so he chokes out a “that will do”.

and come friday, the four of them sit in a restaurant, silently and awkwardly waiting for their food and then isak and julian start talking about an old thing and even grabs isaks thigh under the table and isak faces him and even leans in to whisper in his ear, “if you want to get over him dont talk to him like youre still together. now act like i said something sexy” and isak is flustered and a shiver makes its way through his whole body as evens lips brush isaks earlobe and he doesnt have to act. even turns back to the other two, “sorry i couldnt resist. he looks so hot in this buttonup” and julian squints his eyes with a forced smile.

then later when even is walking isak home (”its okay, i have time”) they are laughing about the whole date, even making fun of julians jealousity and isak is over him (or he likes to think so. he’s really not, though) and then theyre standing in front of isaks flat and evens like “is this where i kiss you?” and isaks eyes widen and even chuckles, “im just kidding” and isak wishes he wasnt. even walks away with a “thanks for tonight, baby” and laughs and isak spends the night trying to fight the grin spreading across his face

a week later then when isak has almost forgot about all this, he’s walking down the stairs and runs into julian and theyre both taken aback and isaks like “why..are you here?” and julian chuckles, making isaks heart ache, “we rented the flat on the second floor..didnt know you live here?” and isak swears in his head but smiles, “what a small world!” and then excuses himself and almost runs out the building, texting even, “hey sorry for bothering but im in trouble if you know what i mean” and even texts him back like 10 questions marks and a “did you kill someone??”and isak laughs out loud, getting looks from strangers on the street then tells him what happened. and they meet up later that day at a café and before isak could take a sip of his coffee, even talks “so you want me to continue be your fake boyfriend?” and put it that way, it sounds silly and childish but isak nods, hiding his face behind his cup. and even sits back in his chair, “do i have to live with you or?” and isaks like “you could come over only a few days a week? or something..” and even seems to think about it long then laughs, “why the hell not. im looking for a place anyway”

so he comes over a few times, but that turns into 5 days a week when julian comes over on a wednesday and friday and even’s not there both times, and then sometimes he spends the whole week (totally only because julian could knock on the door any time and isak isnt strong enough to be alone for that) but they sometimes (most of the time) forget about the reason even’s staying. they become really good friends and its surprising but in a good way and isak really likes even, and he finds himself not thinking about julian that often but when isak comes home one day to even cooking in only his sweatpants with the radio on, he realizes why he hasnt been thinking about julian that much. because he’s been thinking about even instead and he tries to shake that off and act as casual with him as he’s done before but it doesnt really work, especially when theyre having their movie night and evens head ends up in isaks lap and isak has to fight the urge to run his fingers through his hair. even doesnt seem to realize how isaks breath hitches each time he steps too close.

then one night julian and his boyfriend invite them and a few other friends over and isak ends up drinking a few shots and even has a few beers too and then theyre sitting in a circle and before isak realizes, they are in the middle of the “make out game” andwhen its their turn, evens eyes are telling him its okay ,they dont have to do it but isaks drunken mind says fuck it and he leans in and theyre kissing and isak is dizzy and doesnt want to stop and evens hands are on his neck and holy shit its the hottest kiss isak has ever had in a long time. he drinks after that and somehow forgets that happened

until next day when even brings some water and painkillers in for isak and isak cant look into his eyes and his heart feels like its gonna jump out his chest and even is sitting on his bed and then hums, “so last night was interesting” and isak downs the whole glass of water slowly, trying to gain himself some time and then he looks at even, “yeah? dont really remember anything man” and he sees evens face drop and isaks heart does the same but then evens lips quirk up in a painfully fake smile, “yeah me neither” then leaves the room with a “hope your head is okay” and isak is ??confused. bc he doesnt think even ever felt the same but this did make it look like he did but isak doesnt know what he’s supposed to do about it. so he doesnt do anything and ignores the topic, acts like nothing happened.

and then even stops coming over and doesnt answer isaks calls or texts and isak is mad at himself for fucking up whatever they had and julian asking where even is makes it harder and he’s annoyed and sad and still confused but mostly in love with even. so when on his way home he sees even putting furnitures and boxes into a car at a house, he steps up to him with a racing broken heart and when even sees him, isak feels his heart break into more pieces and he misses the smile on evens face. and he wants to talk to him but evens just “i really gotta work, we’ll talk another time?” without looking at isak and fuck, that really hurts. but isak goes home.

and after he finds out from evens best friend that even kept talking about isak and how that kiss made him sure that he loved isak, he goes over to even’s and that night even tells isak he’s bipolar and isak has an idea of what it means, though he’ll make sure to learn more about it, and he tells him its okay and his arms wrapping around evens worn out body that night makes even believe that it IS okay and when they go back to isaks flat, even is bringing more clothes than he’s brought before. and isak running into julian two weeks after that feels funny bc isak realizes if it werent for him turning up in his life this many times, he wouldnt have even waiting for him in their flat and isak just pats julians shoulder and greets him with a wide smile and almost skips while walking out to the street, going to the nearest bakery to bring some food home, for him and even

#this got way too lONG #shut up viki #au

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samanthasroberts · 7 years

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Betches Love This College: The University Of Georgia

College is the best four years (five if you play your cards right) of any betchs life. No no. That wasnt a question. So in honor of college admissions season being like now, were bringing back Betches Love This College. That way, you can pick where to go to school based on important shit like parties and drinking rather than grades and what you want to be when you grow up. Youre welcome in advance.

In terms of where to apply, everyone knows Manhattanites go Ivy League (and Emory), while West Coasters love the Arizona schools. But what about Southern betches? Where tf do they go? The University of Georgia, thats where. UGA has all the cool shit Southern schools are known for like gorgeous people, insane Greek life, an awesome-ish football team, etc., but its also really hard to get into these days so you cant be a total hillbilly and go there. Sorry Alabama, maybe next year. So heres what you need to know.

The People

Greeks: Given that UGA is a massive Southern university, its not exactly groundbreaking that Greek life is no fucking joke. In terms of whos who, you can put them into two categories: old row and new row. Your old row sororities (ADPi, KKG, Theta, XO and Phi Mu) pretty much have the Atlanta private schools on lock, plus rich Texas and North Carolina girls. So unless youre one of those or the worlds hottest legacy, youre not getting in. But dont fret, public school betches. There are a handful of new row sororities that are just as good if not better. KD, ZTA and AOPi are definitely the best.

For the fraternities, theyre exactly what youd expect. Super fratty and douchey. Look out for pledges the first few weeks of school. Theyll be the guys walking around campus in suits who look like they want to fucking kill themselves. Poor kids. Before your 4-5 years are up, youll definitely want to be asked on Old South because who doesnt want to get wasted in an antebellum dress? So make nice with the KAs.

Orientation Leaders: You know the girl in high school who was the head cheerleader, volleyball captain, class president, valedictorian and still managed to volunteer at the local nursing home on the weekends? Yeah, this is what she becomes in college. There are guy OLs too, but that didnt work with my analogy. Every year, 12 people are picked from the entire 30,000+ person student body to help the freshman figure shit out before move-in day. If Taylor Swift had gone to UGA, she probs would have been an OL. Seems like the type.

Hipsters: Besides that Travelocity commercial and being the worlds greatest college town, Athens is a pretty artsy place. Most importantly, it has a kick-ass music scene, so what does that mean? Hipsters be flocking so they can see musicians before they go mainstream. They leave town during home games, hate the Greeks and smoke a lot. Theyre probs photojournalism or lit majors and arent involved in anything on campus because thats for the stereotypical norm. Fucking duh.

Athletes: If youre not one of first three, youre most likely a student athlete. Football players are easy to spot because theyre the massive, Nike-clad guys who ride around campus on red vespas. Have you ever seen a linebacker on a scooter? Its a sight. But tbh, no one really gives a shit about seeing football players. Too common. The athletes to be on the lookout for are the Gymdogs, UGAs badass gymnasts, and Olympians. UGA had like 30 people compete in Rio and they won 10 medals. Thats more than most countries. Pretty fucking impressive. If you see any of the gold medalists, be sure to get that shit on your Snapchat story.

Where To Live

Freshmen: All UGA freshman are required to live in the dorms. Just a heads up, these arent the dorms of Buckingham fucking Palace you see on Pinterest. The box my Tori Burch riding boots came in is bigger than these. But suck it up. Its just a year. In terms of the best dorms to live in, the high-rises are the only way to go. There are a shit ton of other dorms around campus that are nicer, but only weirdos live in those and they arent as fun. Youre here to get shitfaced and meet people, not for the Ritz Carlton-esque amenities.

Sophomores: Assuming you go Greek, and I feel like most of yall reading this will, you move into the sorority house your second year. UGA sorority houses are mansions and can house about 60 girls so hopefully you dont need much alone time. The upsides? You have a chef who cooks all your meals, maids and maintenance people to fix things, and theres always something fun going on. The downsides? No alcohol in the house, no boys upstairs and if you eat all three meals everyday youll get fat.

Upperclassmen: If freshman and sophomore year wasnt enough to get the batshit crazy out of your system, you move to Georgia Heights. This place isnt disgusting like a frat house or anything, its just in the middle of downtown where all the bars and restaurants are so if you live here, youll end up going out every single night. Rent is high because the location is fire and the apartments are super nice. If youre more of a chill upperclassman, you and your friends should rent house in Five Points. Theyre close to Milledge (Greek row) and the stadium so theyre perfect for hosting tailgates and wine nights.

Nightlife

Pauleys: Every night out starts at Pauleys, a crepe bar that serves a billion different beers on tap and insanely cheap bottles of wine. Tbh, no one really goes there to eat, although at least one person at the table will order the chips and Terrapin beer cheese dip or a Nutella banana crepe. The real gem is the Manmosa, which is just a mimosa plus vodka. Aka a regular betch mimosa.

Bourbon: Its technical name is Bourbon Street, but dont call it that or youll look like a newb. This is the closest thing to a freshman bar Athens has. Why no real freshman bar? Because the only places that are 18+ are sketchy af and no one goes there. Im not going to go into the deets about what you need to have in your wallet to get into these 21 and up bars before youre actually of age because I dont want to be liable for your law-breaking ass, but I think youre picking up what Im putting down. If not, talk to your big. Shell hook you up. Back to Bourbon. Its a total shit show because freshman who cant handle their liquor take over the place. But its a rite of passage and its always rated one of the top college bars in the U.S. so if youre in Athens because youre a student or just in town for a game, you have to go there.

College Ave: Along this stretch of downtown are three bars you need to know: Sandbar, City and Silver Dollar. These used to be considered upperclassmen spots, but now you can find pretty much anyone there. Because there are so many bars in Athens (80 in one square mile for all you mathematicians), no one just stays put in one place the whole night because that would be boring. Since these are literally all right next door to each other, theyre super easy to bounce in between when you need a change of pace. These are the places to see and be seen.

Creature Comforts: Besides being one of the best breweries in the whole damn country, Creature Comforts downtown address makes it the perfect spot to pregame a night out or day drink instead of going to class.

Big Events

Shower Cap: In the spring, all the fraternities host huge parties so everyone can cope with the fact that football season is over. Literally every frat has one, but SAEs Shower Cap is the biggest and best of them all. Tbh, I have no idea why were all so obsessed with it. Its just like hundreds, maybe thousands, of blackout people on a fraternity house lawn, but its amazing. Theres always a band and the people watching will give you life.

Twilight: Every year, Athens hosts this crazy bike race called Twilight in the middle of downtown. Three reasons why everyone loves it: 1) This isnt like you and your first grade bestie seeing who can get to the bottom of the hill first. This race is some Lance Armstrong level shit. 2) Its always right before finals week so everyone gets drunk af because theyre actually gonna have to study soon. 3) Open. Container.

Georgia-Florida: All of football season at UGA is a big event, but theres nothing bigger than GAFLA. The school literally plans fall break around it because they know everyone would still bail on class if they didnt. Every year, the game is played in Jacksonville, Fla., but instead of staying close to the stadium, UGA students stay a few hours away in St. Simons. Why? Because its bullshit that its in Florida every year, and Georgians want to keep their tax dollars in state. Im not even kidding. Thats the real reason. The Friday before the game, the entire student body takes over a stretch of beach aka Frat Beach and has a massive cluster fuck of a party. The residents of SSI hate it. The university hates it. But despite their many attempts, theres nothing they can do to stop it.

Drawbacks

Every August, youll think its UGAs year for football and that this team will go all the way. Every October, your hopes and dreams will be shattered. Just go ahead and prepare yourself for football heartbreak.

Parking is a fucking nightmare, the bus drivers are absolute savages, and regardless of which direction youre walking, its miraculously always uphill. So getting around campus is a bitch. But if you take the walking route, youll have a killer ass.

Source: http://allofbeer.com/2017/05/30/betches-love-this-college-the-university-of-georgia/

from All of Beer https://allofbeer.wordpress.com/2017/05/30/betches-love-this-college-the-university-of-georgia/

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viralhottopics · 7 years

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‘Are You The One?’ Recap: So It Begins

Jambo, morons! Welcome back to another riveting season of where the success rate is similar to the cast members combined IQs: practically non-existent. But hey, were Americans. We love shit that is destined to failwhether its reality shows or President-elects. Its our cross to bear.

ANNNNYWAYS. So MTV had a hard job to do: top the group of idiots that made up season 4. And thankfully for you, but mostly for me, they did just that. Shoutout to you MTV, you da real MVP.

Also, as many of you know, I tend to feature quotes from my loveable, yet incredibly cruel mother in these recaps. You think Im bad? She once called a woman in Starbucks a psycho bitch because she took the last of the skinny vanilla mix. True story. DM me for details. Lets begin now.

This season MTV really went for #culture and decided to have the show in the Dominican Republic. Even reality shows get island fever, I guess. I mean, you can really only throw so many group orgys/luaus so many times on one show.

Ryan Devlin, the host who you feel bad for like 99% of the time, meets up with the cast and is like you guys all suck at and theyve all been trained to say relationships. Of course they all forget their one fucking line and just sound like they are saying random shit.

RYAN: You guys suck at CASTMATE 1: Relationships! CASTMATE 2: Tomato! CASTMATE 3: Unicorn piss! CASTMATE 4: 9/11 was a hoax!

We meet Tyranny (Mom Quote: IS HER NAME TRANNY!?! theyre so cute when they are mildly offensive) says that all of her boyfriends have either cheated on her or knocked other girls up. In the words of Donald Trump: Sad! Very Unfair!

Theres Jaylan who used to be a loser, hit the gym, now gets pussy. Male Laney Boggs. Tale as old as time. Moving on.

Taylor: hottest girl on the show easily, talks about how her dad would kill some of the men she has dated, low-key concerned for her safety and the safety of others.

Theres Joey, the povo as fuck part-time garbage man who spent his last remaining dollars on a gaudy watch. Obviously a very smart investor. Didnt know sent kids on scholarship. Im just happy hes honest about being a garbage man and doesnt try and be like Im a sanitation assistant. Not that any of them know what sanitation means.

Joey is def hot though10/10 would bang, just to get hook up with blue collar worker off my bucket list.

REAL PICTURE OF JOEY:

THE FIRST DATE RULES

Ryan explains about how they do comprehensive interviews and questionnaires to develop and algorithm that eventually finds their match. You know poor Joey didnt know what was happening after comprehensive.

This season, theres another twist: there are 11 guys and 11 girls, but they only get ten chances. Obviously MTV was giving away too much money with this show, so they made more couples. What? Youre thinking it.

For the first date, MTV acted like a bunch of fucking narcs and sent bios to the contestants’ parents so mom and dad can pick who they think is a match. Everyone is like, Mom dont fuck this up for me.

My mom: If you were ever on this show I would literally never acknowledge you again. (Fair enough.)

Joeys mom picks Carolina, whos like okay cool, whatever. She doesnt know hes a garbage man yet, so give her a break.

Hannah’swho is from my hometown, hey girlfamily picks Oswaldo, a self-described horny genius. Welp, I think a line like that means its time for a shot. Brb.

Anyway, Hannah is like I would rather eat my own spleen then date Oswaldo. (paraphrase)

Giannas mom chose Hayden and they start hugging and are like . Fucking spare me. The other fucking losers have to send these couples to the truth booth after their date.

BACK TO THE HOUSE

The castmates get to their dungeon for the next few months and drinks are flowing and shirts are off. I remember my first sip of alcohol.

Cassandra is drunk and is wanting to touch everyones face. She like Im so flirty when Im drunk which is a weird way of saying Im a hoe.

Its Mikes birthday today. Hes like its my birthday so someone fuck me. *plays Birthday Sex* *stares aggressively at all the women*

Mike describes himself as a typical Staten Island boy. His hobbies include moisturizing, mispronouncing half the English language and fapping off to girls who look like Snooki.

Ozzy is a local, so you know he is dirty as fuck. Kathryn goes to Florida State, you know shes hot as fuck, but also borderline brain-dead.

Shes like I WANT TO BE A TEACHER! and its like, sure ya do sweetie, and I want to be a fucking astronaut. Stick to what you know and continue being a TFM girl.

Ozzy and Kathryn both want to be teachers. Snoreeeeee. Shes already like Im in lovewell folks, weve met the stage-5 clinger for the season.

Michael the douchebagnot be confused with Mike, the little man from Staten Islandis laying it on THICK to Taylor and she is not having it. Taylor has officially become my favorite on the show so far.

MICHAEL:Hey pretty lady TAYLOR:Ew seriously? Girls with asses like mine do not talk to guys with faces like yours.

Shes like youre so full of shit and Im like SAY IT LOUDER FOR THE PEOPLE IN THE BACK, TAYLOR.

Hayden and Gianna are talking about how they both have dogs and both like corn and other pretty basic shit and decide theyre going to be together forever.

GIANNA: I breathe air HAYDEN: No way, I breathe air!!!

They both have the flyover state bond, with Hayden being from Indiana and Gianna being from Ohio. Its always cute to see two people from middle America bond and discuss the fact that they fucked the rest of us over. True love.

Everyone is like Hayden and Gianna are a match, even though theyve all known each other for 3 seconds.

Joey the trash man is telling people that hes going to be a carpenter, much like a 3rd grader would say Mommy, Im going to be a superhero! Shannon brings me the biggest laugh of the night by asking him to do her carpets, clearly not knowing what a carpenter is. Shit like that makes me miss my sorority.

Ozzy is chain-smoking and being like I DONT WANT TO BE THE OLD ME. Aka, me on New Years Eve.

Kathryn and Ozzy are drunk as fuck and being flirty and going WE WANT TO HELP KIDS!!!! You stay the fuck away from my future children, Rush-Boobs and Ozzy.

Michael is talking to Gianna and starts telling a sob story about how he was chubby and he blossomed. If I had a nickel for every time I heard that one. No seriously, every fucking season they have one of these guys.

MTV CASTING: Ok we need at least one hick, one former fat dude, one ripped black guy and one oddly feminine guy. Search the fucking country.

Michael starts asking Gianna about her open-heart surgery, gets bored halfway through and just starts sucking her face. Okay. Well that escalated quickly. Quote from mom: He doesnt give a shit about her faulty heart. Hes trying to get laid. Profound.

Rush-Boobs wants to make Ozzy jealous and starts low-key hooking up with Mike. Fantastic logic, cant wait for you to educate our youth.

Then we meet Andre, who has trust issues because the girl he liked since 8th grade literally sat on his friends lap. Meanwhile, Tyrannys boyfriends are having children, but OKAY. #dramatic

Alicia is the perpetual sidepiece, aka every womans enemy.

Ozzy and Kathryn already think they are a match and Ozzy forgive Rush-Boobs for hooking up with Mike because hes a cheater too, so this is karma. Wow, how fucking zen of you.

THE DATE

Hayden dresses in camo for the date and Gianna is like You can take the boy out of Indiana, but you cant make him dress like a normal fucking human.

Its very clear Gianna is over Hayden, whereas Hayden hasnt been this excited since he attended a Donald Trump rally last summer.

GIANNA: FML HAYDEN: *excitedly whispers* Build that wall! Build that wall!

Joey just looks like a trash man, like, just in life. He has resting garbage man face.

Hannah does not like Oswaldo, its very obvious. Shes going to call her parents and demand a raise in her monthly allowance for making her suffer through this bullshit.

Gianna starts kissing Hayden and shes like Ill give him a chance. How fucking noble of you.

Carolina and Joey are talking about their parents and Joey tells her that he would never cheat on a girl and Carolina damn near creams her pants. They kiss and meanwhile the whole audience is wondering does she know hes a trash man? That dramatic irony, doe.

THE TRUTH BOOTH

ShockerHayden and Gianna to the truth booth. Michael is like WE MADE OUT LAST NIGHT but Im not jealous.

MICHAEL: Im not even mad! NARRATOR: Michael was, in fact, very mad.

Ah, but there is a truth booth twist! They can trade in truth booth and add $150,000 to their prize. But if they take the money then Hayden and Gianna can never get sent back together.

The house is torn. Im torn. Im all out of faith, this is how I feel.

*Starts Twitter poll asking people what they would do*

They decide not to take the trade, which my mom and I both agree is stupid.

And lookie here: No match. So thats done.

Michael is thrilled. My mom thinks he looks like a baby rat. Cannot un-see that.

Gianna gives a speech basically saying that she didnt feel it the whole time and everyone is like okay cool thanks for telling us, *whispers* ya fuckin bitch.

We also very quickly meet Kam, who has a rotation of men because #feminism. And Edward, who has a chest tattoo. Thats it for now.

Gianna goes to hang out with Michael and hes over it. He makes her cry, I dont really care, blah blah blah, moves on with life. Gianna and Michael are going to be the annoying couple this season. Buckle up.

MATCH CEREMONY

This season they have the blackout rule again but this time they cut the winnings in half if they blackout. Thats way harsh, Tai.

First is Kam and Eddy. Shes building up her newest rotation.

Taylor picks Tyler, who is hot. Wait what? Why did they not introduce the hot guy? What is this fuckery, MTV? They also sound like they could be identical twins.

Kari, dont know her yet so whatever, picks little man Mike.

Casandra picks Kaylen.

Caroline picks Joey.

Tyranny and Oswaldo. Can I just call you Tee? Im going to call you Tee, because Im one letter away from being low-key fucked up.

Giannas dumb ass is up and shes like I HAVE A GREAT CONNECTION WITH MICHAEL so obviously shes going to pick Ozzy.

Tee and Alicia are pissed and threatening to curb stomp this bitch. Fuck yes, this is what I signed up for. Gianna is like Leave me alone everyone, Im proving this to Michael! Literally all you proved was that youre crazy AND stupid.

Hannah picks Michael.

Alicia picks Andre.

Rush-Boobs picks Derek, who is also hot as fuck. Also, Rush-Boobs laugh reminds me of Kitty from. I know. Its all you can think about now.

Shannon, who btw really needs her carpets cleaned, picks Hayden.

Well this is excitingthey get two matches. Not bad for week one. They dont make me want to kill myselfyet.

Ryan gives the follow your heart speech that we hear every fucking episode and the cast goes back to the house to turn the fuck up.

So far, off to an interesting start. Gotta say, good-looking cast this season. Dumb as rocks, but good-looking. Come back next week to see what other shit I can talk about my peers who are doing far worse than I am. Peace, bitches.

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