#and it's weird because i am simultaneously proud of and unhappy with what i write

[oh-katsuki]

being a writer and putting my work on the internet can be a little hard (rly hard), especially when i don't post fic often or frequently or spend a lot of time on one fic in particular.

like as a writer, i know i have a lot to work on. i constantly see things that need improvement or change. lots of fundamental parts of my stories are full of things or centered around things that i'd like to improve on. and i recognize that. i always have room to grow and get better.

it's tough though because being able to see and be critical of what i'm lacking as an artist makes it really hard to post a story or fic with confidence. even a finished story has things i'd like to change or improve on, though most of the changes are entirely structural or habitual, which are really hard to correct without rewriting the fic entirely. for example, as i was beta reading the notebook theory, i realized that a lot of my long fics follow the same story structure with little variation (specifically when it comes to smut). i tend to write within the same confines of storytelling with a shift in plot, motivations, themes, and characters. outside of that though, i've realized that a lot of things that i write are, more or less, very similar.

this could be because i have not been very into writing smut in the first place recently so the insertion of the scene feels unnatural and repetitive, or because i have written within the same genre of pining romance for about a year and a half now, or it could be something entirely different. it's probably a plethora of short comings that i have as a writer that i need to address one by one.

anyway, all of this to say that knowing those things and being in a stage of my writing journey where the places i need to improve are GLARINGLY obvious, makes it super hard to feel secure posting. i'm having trouble feeling proud of what i write. being honest, it feels like my stories and fics go absolutely nowhere and say absolutely nothing, though i hope that they don't come across that way to others who read them.

i'm having trouble seeing the value in my work because of it, which is a really tough pill to swallow. that sucks too because i write what i do for myself and not being able to see the value in it makes me really frustrated. i guess the best way to describe it is that even after finishing a long fic, i feel very stuck. frankly, i've been feeling this way since i started writing the inbetween, but i think i've only just put my finger on the reason. i think im frustrated with my writing style and the types of stories that i tell, which is difficult because i really like the genre i write in. they feel very stale to me and i'm having trouble viewing myself as a good writer, within or outside of that genre. it's not that i have to be good, but i want to be and i want to continue improving, i just feel like i've hit a ceiling that i can't move beyond.

and all that makes it a little scary to post something or to start something. i'm kind of sitting here now, adding the final touches to the notebook theory, and wondering if it's even worth posting. which i know is stupid because i worked hard on it and it doesn't have to be perfect. idk i guess lately all of the things i write have this perpetual feeling of incompletion that i can't seem to get rid of no matter what i change, rewrite, or edit.

anyway, that's all. these are just some thoughts i've been having.

[charmwasjess]

Hi, for the fandom asks: 1 and 16 xx

1) list 3 positive things about your current fandom(s)

1- Saying "the people" is a vast understatement. My current community fills me with so much happiness - what kind, funny, incredibly clever people you all are! And if I go back in time, I sometimes feel like the people in the SW fandom half raised me at a time when I was a lonely, unhappy child stuck in a fucking terrible IRL community, and I'll always be grateful for that.

For example - I still remember in grade school, sneaking off during gym class to buy international phone cards at the gas station so I could call my Australian bestie (who I met when she EMAILED ME A FIC COMMENT because that was how we did it on some fic sites back then). I'd get up at 3 am (3pm her time, when she got out of school) and we'd talk on the phone about our crazy crack self-inserts and our love of Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon, respectively. DOOKU DIDN'T EVEN EXIST AT THIS POINT. We grew up, but she's still in my life - the suncatchers her mom made me are still hanging on my back window. She even came to visit me a few years back. She's a successful YA fiction writer and activist now. Sometimes I'm so proud of her that it makes me want to cry.

2- ahem, okay, I got kind of emotional on 1… this is controversial, and I'm sure I'll live to eat my words when they make rochenn's cursed stitched-back-together Dooku and somehow-survived Mace Windu live action buddy cop drama, but I actually like that Star Wars is continuing to get content. Okay, some of it is dogshit, and I wish there was some… changes at the top… looking at you, cowboy hat man… but overall, I feel lucky. Those Yoda comics were good and a couple of them were written by an actual guy who actually likes the character I love and cares about continuity? The last five years have had some really fascinating Star Wars content. Barriss is a healer again. Rael Averross is part of the family. We're about to get live action Acolyte. I don't know, I'm excited.

3- Ant said this a little bit in her reply to my ask, but I have to agree, I love how BIG Star Wars is. With my little pre-prequel Dooku fics, I'm writing in such a tiny corner of it, but the vastness around me is just wonderful and actually, very welcoming. It feels like there's always something new and interesting to read or see.

16) a tiny detail in canon that you want more people to appreciate

It blows my mind that Cavan Scott made Dooku an animal guy.

The scene where he's simultaneously flying a (stolen, iirc) speeder and mindmelded with his fucking pet bird and Qui-Gon is like "MASTER, beast control combined with weaving in and out of Coruscant traffic, ARE YOU FUCKING GOOD TO DRIVE RIGHT NOW?" and Dooku just replies ":D It's ✨ animal kinship ✨not 'beast control' Qui-Gon!' Unhinged. Beautiful.

I just love it when canon does something fresh and surprising with Dooku instead of recycling the "stuffy stuck up rich guy" tropes, especially in his Jedi era, when he's a fucking penniless chaos monk raised by a goblin. Fanon loves to make Qui-Gon the guy sneaking weird animals into the Temple (and I love that) but you know Dooku would have smuggled that Tirra'taka home with him if he could have fit it in his bed. Dooku is the REASON Qui-Gon is like that!

[gillian-wildnightstudios-blog]

Why TV Shows Make Decisions That Drive You Nuts

Hello all!

I’m Gillian, and I write alot. I storytell roleplaying games, both tabletop and LARP. I also write screenplays, do special effects, and work on film sets.

In this pseudo-rant, I’m going to try to explain why your favorite TV show’s writers do things that make you want to scream, tear out your hair, or rage-quit a series.

First, you need to understand a few things involved in writing screenplays, more specifically episodic television screenwriting.

It’s VERY different than writing a novel. A novel is under your COMPLETE control. You can write whatever you want that’s in your head. The characters will never do anything you don’t want them to do, they’re your little dancing puppets. You have however long you want to write, and you can have as many chapters as you want. You have no obligations, you’re not getting paid. Usually.

A TV script is a group effort. You are only partially in control, with a group of other writers, with input from the Producer, often the actors/actresses, network execs, and financial-dudes. You may not like the final decisions, but you grit your teeth and do your damned best because it’s your job and you want more work while simultaneously wanting to keep your work to a certain standard that you yourself can be proud of. A scene from your script will never be exactly what you pictured. This is because YOU are not the Director. They are the one in charge of bringing your vision to life in whatever way THEY choose. You have (in many networks) 23 episodes in which to tell 45-60 (roughly) page complete mini-stories, stringing together in a cohesive whole for a full story arc.

THIS IS FRIGGING DIFFICULT.

Books and fic can be for yourself as much as they can be for others.

TV episodes are for the audience. Execs want their shows to appeal to as many age and gender brackets as possible because then a show brings in more $$$$ through merchandising, licensing, commercial time, etc. This isn’t to say that Execs don’t love their shows, just that it’s as much a business as it is an art, and they frequently have to answer to shareholders, investors, etc (some of whom don’t have a creative bone in their body, some of whom are amazingly creative).

When writing an episodic series, you want the audience engaged, interested, invested in the characters, because then they’ll come back for more. Sometimes like masochists.

This is why they throw curve balls or do things to the characters that seems weird or enraging. Because we want a reaction. We want to kick you in the feels. We want you coming back to be angry at us. We want you coming back to love us. We want you coming back to wonder what the hell we were thinking.

But Gillian, you say, why would you want people to be pissed at you?

I could say it’s because haters make you famous, but the real answer is because it shows that you CARE about these characters, about that show. You don’t get pissed at something you don’t care about. The fact that a fandom can flip their crackers over something that happens on a TV show and spew millions of terabytes worth of internet rants about it means they are INVESTED in the show.

You still love the characters, you still love the show, though you may hate what they do, or you may hate the storylines. Some of you may hate it so much you rage-quit. That’s sad, but fine. Writers and showrunners have that delicate balance of keeping their base audience engaged (note- engaged doesn’t always mean happy), and try to attract new viewers.

It’s not easy. At all. I was once told the sign of a successful negotiation is that everyone leaves unhappy. I feel that applies to the balance of storytelling as well. You’re never going to please everyone. Ever.

AND THAT’S OKAY.

My tastes and yours are not the same. You hate Supergirl because it’s feminist overtones are too strong? That’s fine. I love it. I’ve dealt with that shit my whole life, as have many other women. It’s not like you’re obligated to watch it. You hate Olicity in Arrow? Well, I feel sorry for your terrible taste, but that’s okay, too.

As @stopandfangirl3 retweeted “"There’s a sense of: “I’m right, you’re wrong” rather than accepting the fact that people are coming from different places.“ @LynniePurcell”

Spew your hate, your adoration, your anger. Argue and rant and profess your love. A good writer will bathe in your rage and tears and giddy laughter and ask for more.

Why?

Because our goal is to entertain, to engage, to invoke emotion. Screenwriters livelihoods depend on it.

Now, keeping all that in mind, I still hate it at times. ;-)

However, my lessons from years as a tabletop and LARP game master/storyteller have made something VERY clear. The players do not see everything. They are not omniscient. They cannot predict what will happen, why it will happen, or when it will happen. And when they perceive something as being terrible, they will bitch a blue streak about how it’s unfair or bad without having any idea of what other plotlines are going on, the reasons behind the storyline, or even the fact that another player might be screwing them.

I feel the same is true for fandom audiences. We do not see everything. We do not know how these plotlines will end. We see something we don’t like and bitch til our lungs give out.

Specifically in regards to Arrow, I’m a diehard Olicity fan. Do I like what they’re doing here in the end of season 4 and beginning of season 5? Definitely not, but I haven’t seen the end of  the line yet, so making a decision now seems premature. Gotta keep on my big girl pants and be patient.

Anyway, the real question is, do I think the runners and writers are stupid enough to ignore completely the fact that their show and ‘ship is SO LOVED that they won the MTV Ship of the Year award for two of the three years the awards been running?

Nope. I think they’re sadists, not stupid. Happy happy sadists.

:-D

EDIT: I realized the above post may not clearly say how excited I am about season 5 of Arrow. I am, I totally am, and will happily continue to watch it as it stabs me in my feels, no matter how soap opera it gets! ;-)