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spectralscathath · 3 years

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do robyn :3c:

Send me a RWBY character and I’ll tell you:

Robyn Hill

My top three ships for the character

Clover/Robyn (Lucky Shot is my OTP), Qrow/Robyn (Jailbyrds is a spite ship and I’ll admit it), Roman/Robyn (Rob the Rich, if only for the name)

My three least favorite ships for the character

Robyn/any of the other Happy Huntresses, Robyn/Winter (I remember that fucking ‘snowbyrd’ discourse you bastards), Robyn/Qrow (when I remove the spite goggles I don’t like this at all.)

My biggest criticism for the character

you got 10 minutes? 20? Maybe 30? Buckle up fuckos. I got some points to make and you’re gonna listen.

1. Robyn Hill is wasted potential

Robyn’s first appearance was one of my favourite scenes of Vol7. No joke! She was witty, interesting, had an excellent banter with Clover, deliberately stood down from a fight she couldn’t win, though she seemed eager for a challenge, showed some cunning, and looked like she was having fun.

And then pretty much all of that got ignored. Robyn was set up as a good, smart leader with a cocky swagger, history with Clover, a deceptively cunning streak, and a calm, level-headed attitude. What Robyn was from then on was Angry Shouty Hothead Picks Fights She Can’t Win. She turned into someone impulsive, short-sighted, bullheaded, and focused only on fighting. 70% of Robyn’s lines are about violence and how she likes violence and how she wants to fight with VIOLENCE. The other 30% are, incidentally, ‘i’m so smart and understanding and kind, I’m gonna force people to undergo a lie detector test via peer pressure and ultimatums but it’s actually tragic that no one wants to be my friend because of my semblance. Poor me.

And that was not what I was expecting. That is not what was foreshadowed. And compared to what the potential could have been, a good allusion rich with depth, a setting that could ahve been interesting if it wasn’t so rushed, how she could have been a player on the board, filled so many possible roles, and instead she was a walking ‘Ironwood bad’ mouthpiece that didn’t actually do anything (and has never done well in a fight, which is RWBY’s staple). What a waste.

2. Robyn Hill actively makes things worse and gets no comeuppance

Robyn Hill makes situations worse. First of all, she steals supplies from Ironwood (and then doesn’t use them???? what the fuck????), which puts Ironwood under stress, which then leads to Ruby being Miss Unhelpful (but that’s a rant for another day). Robyn then gets classified info from Blake and Yang who, may I remind you, never met her. She could have been a spy! But no, Blake just has a gut feeling (because the script said so).

Robyn then calls James out on this, which later leads to ‘how did Robyn know about the global communications tower’, which means the fighting happens in the office, everyone stresses, Salem provides one of the few redeeming scenes in the show post-Ironwatts fight (it all went downhill from there, even more then it already was). Robyn didn’t explicitly cause this but she sure as fuck had a hand in it.

Then you have fucking. Clover’s death. Yes, Robyn, agreeing with the serial killer who just tried to murder you and starting a fight in an enclosed space when you’re a ranged fighter vs your melee combatant ex-boyfriend is absolutely the smart thing to do. And then, for a moment, Qrow and Clover nearly sort things out, and fucking Robyn jumps in again. And then, what did she do? She got knocked out immediately. Yikes. Ladies and gentlemen, our ‘Resident Strong Female Character’. But because she did all this, she pretty much guaranteed first: Tyrian escaped. Secondly: Clover died.

And yeah, Robyn. Just because Qrow didn’t personally shove that blade through Clover’s chest, he still worked with The Serial Killer Who Kills People to help. So yeah, Robyn, that does count as some sort of murder. Or at least, accomplice to murder. You’re also vaguely adjacent to it, so don’t get all ‘but Qrow’s innocent’.

It’s the same problem with team RWBY. They do terrible things, they whine about how hard it is, and all is forgiven cause they’re cute sad girls. There’s no comeuppance. There’s no growth. It’s just the script going ‘this character is right because we said so, so now we’re gonna do our best approximation of if a pretzal and a contortionist had an unholy boneless lovechild and bend the plot so the characters win anyway.’

3. Robyn Hill is a static character

This is gonna sound weird with this lil header but Robyn actually had an arc in vol7! She had an arc that was fairly basic, she went from ‘I don’t trust Ironwood and want to know what’s going on’ to ‘I am actively ruining Ironwood’s goals’ and finally settled on ‘I know what’s going on, Ironwood is worth supporting, and I do trust him.’ It was a simple arc, but it didn’t need to be anything more then that.

Then in the span of about 1 minute all her actual development was reversed and she ran backwards to her original stance of ‘Ironwood bad’. We literally saw her devleopment walk backwards, and there it stayed. She spent all of vol8 as an empty voicebox that occasionally pipped out ‘Qrow’s my friend’ and was devoid of any personality. She didn’t have much beforehand that wasn’t fairly generic, so it’s almost impressive.

The problem is that static characters take a lot of work to avoid being boring characters. A lot of rwby just has these problems in general, character development is either ignored, skipped over, or given to the wrong characters, but in Robyn’s case it’s actively annoying because she had some development, and then she ignored all of that to go back to being ‘ironwood bad’ with a side of ‘Qrow good’ because we needed to be reminded of that after he got an innocent man killed.

4. Robyn Hill is an unnecessary character

Why are you here. What do you do. Robyn was stated to be a character meant to act in opposition to Ironwood, to put him under stress like every other fucking character in this series. This was ‘confirmed’ by Eddy Rivas, which means zero because at some point the mentally deranged Weazel Ball that masquerades as the crwby writing team’s collective braincell will rapidly and suddenly change direction, causing massive retcons and plotholes in their moth-eaten threadbare dishtowel they dare to call ‘lore’, and we will have a different excuse for this waste of a good VA.

Here’s the thing tho: Robyn as ‘opposition for Ironwood’ isn’t fucking special. The fucking air in the Atlas Academy lobby opposes Ironwood. Robyn seems to be there... because Mantle needed a voice? Okay, well, why the fuck did Mantle need to exist? Because... the election plotline needed to exist so Jacque could do something mean? God, everything about Mantle and Robyn and the election plotline is just annoying. It drags and it adds nothing to the plotline and it all should have been culled so instead we could focus on things that are actually important (like maybe: the myth arc? character development? the fucking Schnees in Atlas???) rather then rwby’s fuckboi incel attempt at ‘classism = bad?’. If I, as a professional paid editor who works with actual manuscripts, was given the scripts for rwby vol7, I would have gotten the big red highlighter and done a shitload of crossing out. Then I would have told the writing team “come back with your second draft”, but alas, we got the Atlas Arc.

My favorite thing about the character

I love her design aside from that ugly-ass scarf. Also, her VA, Cristina Vee, is the only redeeming quality of this tire-fire of a character. Godbless and praise.

A headcanon I have about them

She deals with chronic ‘ponytail keeps falling out’ syndrome, just constantly. So many hairbands get used up when she does anything.

What I would change about them if I was making a re-write

Everything. Every fucking thing. Especially that stupid fucking lie-detecting semblance.

What I I think of their character allusion and what (if anything) I would change about it

It’s incredibly underutilised. It’s Robin Hood in-name-only. It’s like, the most basic ‘oh the name is Robin and they steal’ and there’s not even any of the most obvious tells. Where’s the bright green? Where’s the hood? Where’s the fucking longbow? Where’s the ‘giving to the poor’ that comes after ‘stealing the rich’? She didn’t actually use any of those things she stole to fix Mantle, she just stole it.

Literally, all the classic elements of Robin Hood are missing, all that’s there is a name and... that’s it. The allusion isn’t there, and even if it was, it’s done in a boring fashion.

Personally, I would add more Robin Hood elements, and I would change one key thing. I would change her allegiance. Instead of ‘Robin Hood on the side of good’, I would take the team WTCH approach, a ‘good allusion turned evil’, and I’d have Robyn working with Salem, or, at least, as an antagonist. Because that could be actually interesting then the boring and unnecessary storyline we had.

#rwby #robyn hill #asks #if you get mad at this just remember Galatians 4:16

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liesyousoldme · 5 years

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a compilation of reasons i dislike chapter 2:

problems with eddie’s characterization:

they reduced him to a germaphobe with mommy issues. we can talk all day about the tiny things that allude to his sexuality but at the end of the day, it is meant to go over the audience’s head. i want more than being thrown tiny inconclusive scraps about this character. the miniseries did a better job with him. eddie is the reason i love the book so much, because there’s so much contextual evidence that he’s gay and repressing his sexuality, that he equates being gay with being sick/diseased, that he worries about religion and being sent to hell for being sick and delicate, that he gets stuck in a cycle of abuse and marries a woman who, like his mother, makes him believe he’s sick and delicate and weak, that keeps him afraid of everything but he manages to break out of that and leave. i know for a fact if he’d survived eddie wouldn’t have gone back to myra. and both times in the sewers he proved his bravery in the face of some of his worst fears. “i’m doin the mash potatoes all over it and i got a broken arm!” “this is battery acid fucknuts!” and yet the movie portrays him as someone who almost lets richie die just so his final act of bravery is more cinematic. he loves his friends and literally is willing to die to protect them. and after he saves richie and bill and he’s dying and looking at richie, he literally let’s go of all the anxiety and fear and shame and is more himself than he ever had been and he’s about to tell richie that when he dies. his last moments were moments of self acceptance and peace. he’s such a multifaceted character, he’s so brave and he overcomes so much, he’s so fucking strong (he fucking takes bowers down! he laughs when bowers breaks his arm! he goes into the sewers with a broken arm both times!) and he deserved better than what this movie gave him.

he’s too harsh. eddie’s much softer than he’s portrayed. he can snap, sure, he’s emotionally reactive, but he isn’t just constantly going off, and the only time i can recall him being mean to richie is during the conversation about kids and that’s more that he feels backed into a corner and embarrassed and richie pushes the exact wrong button. i mean, this is eddie kaspbrak, who taught ben that when one person says “see you later aligator” the other person says “after a while crocodile”. his teasing with richie has more of a playful tone than the angry one the movie has - in fact some of the times that he teases richie back he’s actually laughing (and richie makes eddie “shriek with laughter” quite a few times which seems to never happen in the movies). he’s not constantly making snide remarks, he’s pretty chill when he’s with the losers, honestly. and one of the biggest differences is his bravery. both times in the sewers on their way to the lair eddie literally says “i’m scared,” and yet when the eye attacks he’s the one that fights back and gets the others to fight as well. he’s the one yelling at bill that georgie isn’t real. he’s afraid the entire time but he doesn’t hesitate when one of his friends needs him and when richie and bill are dying in the end, the moment he hears richie’s voice asking for help he doesn’t hesitate to attack. he loves his friends dearly and knows from the time he’s a kid that he would die for them. i liked ch 1 eddie, they gave him a little more sass and a little more bite, but it was like andy saw how much people liked eddie and turned the dial up from sass level 10 to sass level 1000 and it just didn’t work. it wasn’t him. i won’t even lie, when i left the theater the first time one of the things i was angry about was that he honestly wasn’t very likeable. i literally watched this movie and didn’t like my favorite character. and i’ve softened over time, there are parts that i appreciate now, but there are a lot of moments that make me cringe because it’s just so not eddie and it’s not even someone i would like as a character if i hadn’t read the book.

eddie thinks his fatal flaw is that sometimes he doesn’t think he’s delicate at all. he literally feels like he needs to be protected from his own “dim intimations of bravery”. in the book his brave moments are Big and Loud. for instance when he attacks the eye he calls the others pussies and screams IM DOIN THE MASHED POTATOES ALL OVER IT AND I GOT A BROKEN ARM! and he starts cursing at the eye and keeps yelling and screaming at it. when he sprays his aspirator at the spider it describes him letting out a yell that was shocking to hear from eddie kaspbrak’s mouth, from eddie kaspbrak’s lungs. he has these major moments and because he’s spent his whole life believing himself to be delicate it creates this powerful emotional punch. his softness is more personality-based - he’s kind and loving and fun, he likes to joke around, he likes to play - but i don’t think that has to do with believing himself to be delicate. i think that’s just who he is. he can be sassy too, he can snap, too, but for the most part he’s pretty chill if not nervous, and he’s always ready to go with the rest of the group, even when he’s the injured one. but it’s the fact that he’s not afraid to be vulnerable with his friends and with the reader that juxtaposes so well with those huge moments of bravery. which is why his fear during the spiderstan scene and the “braver than you think” scene makes his attack more powerful. but if he had been that open and vulnerable person throughout the movie it would’ve meant even more. i just wish they’d turned the dial down on him by like 50%

the ending:

if they can remove the child orgy then they can remove eddies death. if they can change the walking tours to artifacts, change the ritual of chud, change It’s final form, change the way It dies, change tom and audra’s involvement, then they could change eddies death. don’t act like it has to happen in the movie because it happened in the book. eddies walking tour was changed. eddies leper never offered him a blowjob. eddie had a different career. eddie broke his arm differently. eddie wasn’t portrayed as the bravest loser. eddies fear of going to hell was never mentioned. so don’t pretend you couldn’t change the fate of his character because it would change the story. you already changed the story in multiple major ways. just admit you don’t think lgbtq characters deserve happy endings and go eddie didn’t even fucking get to kill bowers. if you haven’t read the book when bowers attacks eddie he’s already injured mike, and he breaks eddies arm again and eddie breaks open this glass bottle and IMPALES henry and it’s an amazing moment!! and instead he got a knife in the cheek and a weird stab through a shower curtain! eddie is a fucking badass over and over and over in the book and we rarely see it in either movie. and mike doesn’t even go into the sewers as an adult, henry’s attack lands him in the hospital. on top of the fact that his parents are alive in the book. there is no “bev saw us all die” thing. bev literally never saw the deadlights in the book. there’s nothing about It being female and having to kill her eggs!!!!!! movie stan apparently wrote everyone letters! so many changes and yet…. we still keep the most homophobic part? k. this movie opens with a brutal gay bashing that made me feel physically sick because it was so graphic, immediately followed by don watching adrian get murdered by pennywise. it ends with pennywise murdering eddie right in front of richie, who has to leave his body in the sewers and never gets to confess his feelings. and we’re supposed to be happy with this “representation” because wow look r + e!!!! and one cute scene in a hammock!!!! yes, eddie and adrian die in the book. however, the way this movie was framed specifically made it bookended with two gay murders and two heartbroken gay characters. wouldn’t it be much more powerful for eddie and richie to have the happy ending that don and adrian didn’t get? eddie dying adds NOTHING to the story. and why is it eddie that dies without confessing his feelings/knowing richies feelings? why couldn’t bev or ben die without either of them confessing? why do they get a happy ending with a cute underwater kiss while richie is fucking grieving five feet away because eddie basically died on top of him? why do mike and bill get hopeful endings? it’s fucked up and in 2019 they could’ve done better. they SHOULD have done better. i left the theater feeling angry and the past few weeks have just made me feel even worse about it. this entire movie was a disservice to eddie as a character, and it’s a sucker punch if you’re lgbtq.

#it meta #ek meta

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peterstanslizzie · 5 years

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Re-watching Lizzie Mcguire: Episode 1.14 (Random Acts of Miranda)

A Miranda-Centric Episode

- The episode starts off with Gordo spewing out random facts about Trinidad and Tobago to Lizzie but she’s laser focused on finishing an article she’s writing for their school’s web-zine and doesn’t want to be interrupted.

- She hands over a soft-copy of her article about the film, ‘The Mummy’ to her teacher Mr. Lang and mentions to him she’s planning to write about the upcoming school play written by their drama teacher, Mr. Escobar. Unfortunately for Lizzie, her teacher is too busy doing his crossword puzzle and didn’t listen to anything she said.

- Side note: It’s sad watching this episode and knowing how the actor who played Mr. Escobar, Daniel Escobar had already passed on due to complications from diabetes.

Miranda Gets The Starring Role

- At the school cafeteria, Gordo is talking to Lizzie about possibly working with her as a photographer one day when she becomes a famous reporter. Aww, he’s already planning out his future with her but Lizzie doesn’t see it happening lol.

- Miranda runs into the cafeteria all excited and without realizing, she pushes Larry Tudgeman out of her way when he’s picking up something off the floor. Poor Larry! Miranda should have helped him up and get a new plate of Brussel Sprouts for him.

Not cool Miranda!

- Anyways, Miranda reveals to her friends that she got the lead role for the school play. But she only got it because there wasn’t much competition and the drama kids wanted to act in something cooler. Lizzie is especially excited for Miranda because none of them has ever been in a school play before. Well, except for Gordo:

3rd Grade Gordo looks really adorable here

Eddie Thomas?! What are you doing here?

Another recognizable guest star on the show. Neat!

- Mr. Escobar is conducting a rehearsal session in the school theatre and Miranda is running her lines with a boy who is played by Orlando Brown of ‘That’s So Raven’. I’ve completely forgotten he guest starred on Lizzie Mcguire before. I think his appearance here predates That’s So Raven because that show only premiered 2 years later, after Lizzie Mcguire in 2003.

- Miranda is actually doing a terrible job rehearsing because she seems to be over-acting everything and she also doesn’t understand the concept of ‘stage directions’ either.

This is a funny frame to stop on

- She then rehearses a scene with Larry’s character and does a poor job again. I am surprised to see Larry also being cast for the play. Mr. Escobar must be quite desperate to fill in the roles.

The Big Night is Here

- We skip to opening night, specifically the moment the play is about to start and Lizzie gives Miranda a stuffed cow toy for good luck. It was first given to Lizzie by Miranda to act as a good luck charm for her soccer playoffs and it actually worked.

- Lizzie’s family and Lanny are also present in the audience but both Matt and Lanny are clearly disinterested to be there. Matt is busy playing a video game and Lanny is just sleeping on Matt’s arm.

How cute is that?

- The play starts and I gotta to tell you, Larry is a pretty good actor. The same cannot be said about Miranda, however, because the moment she steps (I mean, runs) onto the stage, the stumbles and hits her toe. She proceeds to limp towards the front of the stage and even manages to mess up her lines again.

- As the show continues, she seems to get even worse because people are now getting up and leaving the theatre. Yikes! She’s also written some of the lines she couldn’t remember on her arm and to top it all off, she manages to destroy some of the props along the way. Even Lizzie cannot defend Miranda’s bad performance.

A Bad Review and Miranda Acts Up

- The next day or maybe a few days later, Lizzie is writing her review of the recent play in her living room and she is joined by Gordo. She’s struggling to write anything down because she just can’t bear to give her best friend a bad review. Gordo thinks she should be honest and write what she thinks. Lizzie decides to meet him in the middle and write an honest review that is hopefully worded positively.

- Lizzie’s fears come true and Miranda is offended by her review because she wrote that her “best effort comes up short”. Oh, here we go again; Another ‘fight’ between Lizzie and Miranda. No shade to the writers but it seems like most of the arguments on this show are always girl vs girl, mainly involving Miranda.

Miranda really needs to stop throwing the word, ‘jealous’ around so much. It’s so aggravating to watch

- Lizzie tries to make amends with her at the cafeteria but Miranda is giving her the silent treatment. Lizzie tells her that she was trying to do her job as an honest reporter but this triggers Miranda to accuse Lizzie of being jealous (AGAIN?!) that she’s the star of the play. Girl, bye. This is the second time in the season she accuses Lizzie of being jealous; The first episode being episode 1.10, ‘I Do, I Don’t’.

Again, poor Larry has to suffer again from Miranda’s rage

- Gordo catches up to Miranda and hands over Lizzie’s full review and a tape of her performance to her; He basically wants her to watch back her performance in the school play and to understand that her acting was terrible that night. Gordo is the real MVP here; He knows how to handle situations like this, especially ones that involve bickering between best friends.

- Miranda watches back her performance in her room and based on her expression, she finally realizes she stinks lol.

Parallels

- Jo is in the kitchen packing lunch for her husband’s softball game tomorrow and she tells Lizzie that she’s going to go with him to support his team. Lizzie is surprised and confused about this because her dad isn’t very good at the sport and her mom doesn’t even like softball.

- Jo explains to Lizzie that it doesn’t matter if she hates softball or the fact that her husband is bad at it, all that matters is that she comes out to support him no matter what. This strikes a chord with Lizzie and she now thinks she should be a better friend to Miranda. Really? I think Lizzie was absolutely in the right when she’s being honest but reasonable when reviewing her friend’s performance. In fact, Miranda should be the one apologizing to her.

- In the next scene, Lizzie is walking up to Mr. Escobar and the other students plus Miranda and her drama teacher is reading Lizzie’s review of his play out loud. Knowing now that Lizzie wrote this in her review, “The entire play is dragged down by Miranda Sanchez’s performance”, I found her review to be a little harsh actually. So, I kinda understand Miranda’s anger towards Lizzie.

- Lizzie hands over an alternate version of her review to Miranda, one that is very positive and apologizes to her. Miranda surprises Lizzie and admits how terrible she was in the play after seeing the tape Gordo gave her. She doesn’t want Lizzie to throw away her journalistic integrity just because Miranda is her best friend. And Lizzie tells her that she wouldn’t have written a review of Miranda’s performance knowing how much it had affected her emotionally.

- Miranda apologizes to Lizzie (thank goodness) for being so mad at her. She randomly comes up with the idea that if she’s a bad actress, she has to be a good singer. I never came across this correlation before but sure, Miranda..whatever floats your boat.

- I believe this is the second night of Mr. Escobar’s play and Miranda is so pre-occupied by her conversation with Lizzie, she forgets that she has a scene that she needs to act in asap.

Miranda Sings ‘Reflection’ for Glee Club

- We fast forward to Miranda’s glee club recital and she starts to perform ‘Reflection’ by Lea Salonga from the movie, Mulan. Luckily for her and the audience members, she gives the audience an incredible performance.

It’s only fitting Lalaine (the actress who plays Miranda) sings this song not only because she’s an actual singer but she’s Filipino like Lea herself.

B-Plot: Matt and Lanny Want Walkie Talkies

They are definitely plotting something here

- Matt and Lanny enter the kitchen in the Mcguire home and Matt asks his mom, Jo if she can give him $90 to buy Walkie-Talkies by using the “Start High, Go Low” method. She doesn’t give in to his request and suggests they should earn the money themselves.

- They begin to start fishing for spare change all over the living room and the payphones outside but it isn’t enough. Lanny comes up with an idea to hold a mini garage sale and sell most of Matt’s things like his toys, books and clothes in his room and communicates this mentally into Matt’s brain.

- In the second half of the episode, we see Matt playing with his newly purchased Walkie-Talkie. Jo and Sam notices him playing with it and questions him how he got the Walkie-Talkie to which he responds he earned it. Well, they are about to find out how he earned it soon.

They are just...shocked lol

- They enter his room and immediately notice how empty it is. Well, I don’t mean to question you both but how on Earth did you not notice Matt moving most of his things out of his room and out of the house? Anyways, they are just dumb-founded at the whole thing and Matt just nonchalantly walks out of his room like nothing weird happened. I really hope Matt didn’t sell all of his stuff just to only get back $90 in total because that would be such a rip off.

Overall Thoughts

- This episode was a bit strange to me; It might be the pacing or the actual story-lines. First of all, this is a very Miranda-centric episode, which I don’t mind. I think for Lalaine, who is a very good actress to act as someone who is in turn, a bad actress is very hard to do and she manages it so well.

- I didn’t like how Miranda accused Lizzie again of being jealous in this episode; It makes me think that Miranda has some underlying issues with Lizzie that she needs to address in my opinion. But I’m glad she apologized to her friend. However, I have a problem with Lizzie trying to always be the pacifist in the sense that at the end, she was ready to retract her initial review just to make Miranda happy. If my friend is bad at something, I’m not going to lie and say he/she is good at it. I will be honest but kind about it.

- The B-plot with Matt and Lanny is just another waste of space to me. It’s weird how no resolution was shown by the end of the episode. I at least wanted to see how Matt was punished or at least being taught a lesson by his parents on screen.

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t0m0kii · 7 years

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FANFIC: The Christmas Party [Edd/Eddy]

And here we are! This is a special Christmas fanfic I’ve been working on since late November, and now that I’ve finally finished it, I’m posting it here. Even though my writing skills are sub-par, I hope you enjoy! ((Read below))

It was a slightly chilly Winter morning in Peach Creek. Even though Christmas wasn't going to be until a few days from then, the holiday spirit was still quite prominent. The only thing missing was the snow, but that didn't really matter. Alas, even with all the holiday merriment going around, school still hadn't gotten out yet. We move our focus over to the Ed Boys, who were talking on their way to school.

“What's even the point of going to school the day before Winter Break?” Eddy put his hands in his pockets in an attempt to shelter them from the morning chill. Alongside him walked one of his best friends, Edd (or “Double D”), who looked as if he was preparing to give a lecture.

“You may not believe it now, Eddy, but school is a crucial part of-”

“Yeah, yeah, heard it all before. At least we get out a few hours early today!” He interrupted, grinning. He looked back at his other best friend, Ed, who was busy chasing a tree squirrel.

“Surrender, creature of the netherworld,” Ed shouted at the squirrel. “ For you are surrounded!” As you could guess, this didn't faze the squirrel at all.

Double D's eyes widened as he quickly walked over to him. “Refrain from terrorizing nature, Ed!”

The squirrel quickly scampered into a nearby tree, disappearing from view. Ed frowned, facing downwards. “But he took Sheldon Jr., Double D!”

Eddy walked over, looking up into the tree.“Ha! Good riddance!” The reminder of Ed's decaying piece of cheese made him shudder. The stench on that thing was the stench of nightmares. However, Ed still looked sad about the fate of his cheese pal. Eddy patted his friend on the back. “Aw, relax, we'll find ya another one.”

This seemed to cheer Ed up. Upon seeing this, Double D smiled warmly and said, “That was very sweet of you, Eddy.”

“Y-yeah, I guess...” Hearing his friend say this made the shorter boy blush. This had been happening more and more often. What was it about the sock-headed boy that made him feel this way? I mean, it's not like he liked him or anything...Right?

Nevertheless, the three began walking again, and before they knew it, they had arrived.

When they walked in, they were greeted by the other neighborhood kids. Ever since the whole thing with his brother, Eddy was on good terms with everyone, even Kevin. Although he still wasn't quite on his level, Eddy considered himself “cool”, and when you're cool, you get invited to stuff, which is exactly what happened here.

As the three boys entered the room, Nazz approached them with a stack of envelopes. “Hey, dudes! I've got something for you.”

She picked up three envelopes out of the stack and handed them to the Eds.

“Telegram!” exclaimed Ed, returning to his usual antics.

“Nah, it's just an envelope, Ed, but whatsit for?” Eddy examined the small, pink envelope. Whatever this thing is for, he thought, boy, does it look girly.

“It's an invitation to my Christmas party tonight! Go ahead and open it up.”

The three opened their envelopes.

Inside was a tiny blue slip of paper with all of the party info on it. From what he could gather from the paper, it was basically just explaining that it was a party at 6:30 to celebrate Christmas and Winter Break and all that, and there'd be music, gift exchanging, blah blah...

It sounded sappy and boring, but at least there was gonna be free stuff!

“Well, I guess I'll see you dudes there!” With that last sentence, Nazz smiled and walked away, presumably to distribute invitations to everyone else.

Eddy turned toward his friends, grinning. “You hear that, boys? A Christmas party! There's always free stuff galore at Christmas parties!”

Double D carefully inserted the slip of paper back into his envelope and tucked it safely into his messenger bag. “Precisely, but it's an exchanging of gifts, which means that you have to get someone something, too!”

“All I want for Christmas is my two front teeth, guys.” said Ed, pointing to his teeth.

Eddy gave him a confused look. “You've already got those!”

“Ed's in the right mindset, though,” said Double D. “Christmas presents should be something one could keep forever and ever. A keepsake, if you will.” As he spoke, he had a faraway look in his eyes, as if he had some sort of idea forming in that smart head of his.

The shorter boy observed him as he talked. He almost looked cute.

...He didn't really just think that, did he?

Suddenly, the talking ceased. “Goodness me! My rambling has made us nearly late to class! Quickly, gentlemen, we must hustle!”

The three hurried to their homeroom class.

Math class was always boring, no matter what day it was.

Eddy looked up at the clock constantly. It seemed that time moved the absolute slowest when you needed it to move quickly. He figured that he now had a lot of free time since he had finished his homework.

As he sat there, waiting for class to end, he considered this time a good opportunity to observe his surroundings.

He looked straight ahead to the seat in front of him. There he saw Ed, who had fallen asleep. Double D was turned around, desperately trying to wake him up, but it was no use. Ed was out like a light. He couldn't help but smile at this amusing scene.

However, he began to think about things.

Ed fell asleep, which would normally cause him to get in trouble (if the teacher wasn't out of the room, that is). Even when this happened, Double D tried to wake him up, also risking getting himself in trouble for talking, just because he's that good of a friend.

Even though he wouldn't admit it, Eddy didn't know what he would do without him sometimes. However, ever since their journey to the amusement park to meet his brother, he had been starting to feel a lot of weird feelings. He knew it wasn't the type of feelings his brother had told him about, though. It felt like something different, something more meaningful; The type of feeling he got when he and Double D would touch hands by accident, or when Ed would joke about them liking eachother, or even the short moments where their faces would be inches apart.

The feeling felt familiar, but he just couldn't put his finger on what it was...

All of a sudden, the loud noise of the bell pierced through his thoughts, bringing him back into reality. At that moment, he sort of wished class was longer.

“Incoming air strike!” exclaimed Ed, who had been startled awake by the bell.

Double D began one of his lectures. “Honestly, Ed, you should really try to stay awake! Of course, I had attempted to awaken you, but I didn't succeed...”

“Ya might as well had been trying to wake up a rock, Double D.” Eddy joked.

“Did I turn into a butterfly?” asked Ed, smiling.

Double D giggled. “Not quite, Ed.”

On that note, the three boys walked out of the room to their next class.

About an hour or two later, it was lunchtime.

The three had already eaten their heavily processed cafeteria food (which was unsurprisingly disgusting), so they had time left to talk. Their conversation eventually shifted toward the subject of the Christmas party.

“Do you think there's gonna be scary movies?” asked Ed, looking eager.

Eddy laughed. “You ever seen a scary movie at a Christmas party?”

“I dunno, the mushy ones are pretty scary!” he replied.

While the two had been talking, Double D had decided to tidy up the space around him. “I do believe that the party will be quite enjoyable, but thinking of what sort of gifts to get is going to be challenging.”

“Ah, don't worry about it,” said Eddy. “Besides, we've got 'till 5 five o'clock.”

“You have a point,” he said. “Well, I'd best go prepare for the next class.”

The sock-headed boy stood up and hurried out of the room. Eddy couldn't help but think that he was planning something. After all, there was still ten minutes left of lunch!

Shrugging the idea off, he turned to Ed, who was messing around with a spoon. “Uh...Ed, can I ask ya somethin' real quick?”

The taller boy turned to face him, putting the spoon down. “Wait, let me guess: You want to know what happens in the last issue of 'Robot Rebel Ranch: The Comic Mini Series'. Welp, sorry, Eddy, I can't tell you!”

His eyes narrowed. “No, that ain't it. Besides, I've read that issue already!”

Ed grinned, but still remained focused. “What is it, then?”

He looked around to see if anyone was listening. When he was sure the coast was clear, he spoke again. “It's about Double D. He, uh, makes me feel weird. Like, every time I look at the guy, I feel like I'm on a rollercoaster or somethin'.”

Ed thought for a moment. After a second or two, he said, “I don't get it.”

Eddy began to question if he really knew what he was talking about. “I mean like that feeling you get when you go up and shoot back down, and your stomach feels all funny.” He made a motion with his hands of a rollercoaster going down. “And every time I think about him, I just start smilin' like an idiot. I dunno what's goin' on, and it's freakin' me out! So, uh, I wanted to ask if you knew...”

Suddenly, the biggest smile appeared on his friend's face. “Ooh, I knew it! Eddy is a smitten kitten in mittens!” he exclaimed.

Oh. So that's what that feeling was. “Y-you mean I...Like him?” The shorter boy was confused for a second until he finally spoke again. “Yeah, I guess I do.” Then again, it wasn't that bad of a feeling. He wouldn't mind going out with Double D. In fact, it'd probably be fun.

You could tell from a mile away that Ed was absolutely overjoyed. “Double D and Eddy, sitting in a tree,” he chanted a bit too loudly. “K-I-”

“Pipe down!” Eddy's face turned red. “He can't know about it! I bet if I told him, he'd be so grossed out that he'd never wanna talk to me ever again.”

Ed gave him an encouraging smile. “But I think he likes you, too, Eddy.”

“You kiddin' me?! He's got a whole line of chicks waitin' to date him! Why the heck would he wanna get with me?” He faced the ground. “I dunno, maybe I'm just weird...”

For a second, Ed was deep in thought. Suddenly, he said, “Hey, I've got an idea! You should get him a present and tell him that way!”

His eyes widened when he heard this brilliant idea. “Of course! It's so incredibly sappy, it just might work!” However, he realized that this might be a challenge. “But how the heck am I gonna do I do that?”

His friend shrugged. “Make him a sandwich?”

“Since when has-” Right as he was about to launch into a sermon of how stupid he thought that suggestion was, he was interrupted by another moment of clarity. “Wait, that's it! I'll just make him somethin' and he'll like it so much that he'll have to like me back! Ed, you're a genius!”

“No, I am Ed.” It seemed he was back to his dim-witted self.

Suddenly, the bell rang. The two boys, leaving the cafeteria, met Double D at the door.

Eddy raised an eyebrow, smiling a little bit. “Have you been standin' there waitin' on us the whole time, Sockhead?”

“N-no, I just happened to be standing here when you arrived!” He looked away, blushing. “Oh, no matter. It's nearly time for our last class of the day! We'd best hurry along.”

And so they did. All the while, Eddy began to think about what type of present to get his friend. After a few minutes of thinking, he had the perfect idea.

After their last class, school was finally over! The Eds moved through the hallways, grabbed their bookbags and headed out of the door. As they walked home, the neighborhood kids followed behind them.

“Yo, Eddy!” said Kevin, raising his fist toward the boy. Eddy raised his fist in return, colliding the two in a fist bump. “You guys are goin' to the party, right?”

“You bet!” The shorter boy replied. “It's gonna be super cool!”

Shortly after Kevin approached, Rolf appeared. “Rolf would agree more had he not heard that the terrifying Kanker dames were going to be there!”

When the name “Kanker” was uttered, it silenced everyone. Eddy's eyes widened. “Wait, what?”

“He's right, man,” said Kevin. “We heard 'em talkin' about crashin' the party.”

This was the worst thing that could possibly happen. Of course, after the whole thing with Eddy's brother, the Kankers had stopped being so forceful with their affections, but they were still quite the bother sometimes.

“Oh, please,” said Double D. “If they did attend, heaven forbid, what's the worst trouble they could cause?”

“You think this is a game, brainy Ed-boy?” said Rolf, obviously highly distressed. “They are plotting as we speak!”

Kevin nodded. “Well, yeah, more or less. They didn't get into a whole lotta details, but they're definetely plannin' on doing something.” He shrugged. “I dunno, man, but if Nazz found out, she'd totally freak!”

“Ehh, they're probably makin' stuff up to scare us!” Eddy tried to act calmer than he actually was. “Don't sweat it, Kev. Everything'll be fine.”

“Because sweating is bad for your compulsion!” said Ed, raising his index finger in an attempt to act like Double D.

“Erm, I believe you mean 'complexion', Ed.” Double D replied.

Rolf looked somewhat calmer. “Anywho, I must be going now, as Wilfred has most likely gotten into the egg stash! Let us hope for the best, yes? Farewell!” He picked up his pace and walked briskly ahead.

“Hey, Rolf, wait up, man!” said Kevin. Before he went off, he looked back at the three Eds and said, “I'll see you guys later!” And with that final note, Kevin hopped on his bike and sped away.

Before they knew it, they had arrived back in the cul-de-sac.

Since Double D's house was the first house on the left, he was the first one to bid farewell. “I have a feeling this whole party endeavor is going to be quite thrilling!” he said as he walked toward his doorstep.

“Well, duh, Sockhead! It's a party! 'Course it's gonna be fun!” Eddy smiled to himself. His friend had no idea what he was planning. Speaking of the plan, it was almost time to follow through with it.

The two waved goodbye to their friend, and once he was out of earshot, Eddy explained his plan to Ed, who appeared to still be very happy about the whole situation.

“So I'm gonna need some cardboard,” he said, counting the items, “Some red paint, maybe a fancy lookin' ribbon or somethin', an' some scissors. You can get that stuff, right?” He looked up at his taller friend, who nodded enthusiastically in response. “Well, then, whaddya waitin' for? Get movin'!”

Ed sprung into action, and was hot on the trail in a flash. Eddy watched in awe as his friend scuttled around the cul-de-sac, scooping up each item he needed one by one. Say, where did he get all that stuff from, anyway? Oh, no matter. Once Ed was finally finished gathering all the items, he brought them back to his friend. “Special delivery!” he said, beaming. Upon looking at what he had brought, Eddy observed that it was, in fact, a pile of all of the things he had listed; a few pieces of cardboard, a bucket of red paint, a few strands of ribbon, and a green pair of scissors.

“Yeah, this oughta do it.” He looked down at the pile, quite pleased. “Well, I'm gonna bring it back to my place, take a nap and worry about it in a few hours.” he said, picking up the items. Although, he really didn't feel all that tired.

“Dream of cauliflourication, Eddy!” said Ed, clearly satisfied with himself for doing such a good job.

“It's californic-” He was about to correct him, but he realized that doing it would be pretty pointless. “Ah, whatever. See ya later, Ed.”

The two parted ways, and once the items reached his room, Eddy set the items down on his bed and quickly got busy.

He wasn't really certain what he was getting himself into, but he hoped that it would work.

We fast forward a few hours later.

The present was finally finished. Eddy took a second to sit back and admire his work. He was almost certain that Double D was going to love it. He looked down at his watch.

It was 6:28.

“Shoot!” He put the present in its small, painted cardboard box, sprung from his bed, grabbed his coat and rushed outside.

He was greeted by a gentle breeze, and, to his surprise, his friends. He hurriedly put the present in his coat and turned to face them.

Double D's eyes lit up when he saw him. “Goodness, Eddy, we've been waiting for you! I was beginning to ponder whether you were attending or not.” Eventually, his eyes moved down to the box in his hands. “Oh, what's that you have?”

Embarrassed, he put the box into his coat so it couldn't be seen. “Aw, forget about it, Sockhead. Anyways, let's get goin'! The party's gonna start soon!”

They walked down to Nazz's house and knocked on the door.

Once the door had opened, Nazz greeted them and let them inside.

Eddy observed the party. It seemed very Christmas-like, as the lights were turned slightly down low, and there was a tree and some lights, but the other kids talking and messing around drowned out the sound of the Christmas music playing in the background. There was a table with presents on it, and a table with assorted snack foods. There was even a bowl of gravy for Ed.

As his friends had their backs turned toward something in the distance, Eddy discreetly strolled over to the present table. He took the present out of his coat and placed it neatly on top of another box. It looked tiny compared to the others, but that didn't bother him. After setting the box down, he went back to where his friends were.

He smiled to himself. So far, things were going all according to plan. Not a Kanker in sight!

Until there was a noise coming from the entrance, catching the attention of everyone in the room. Crap, he thought. I jinxed it,

In walked the three Kankers, looking the same as they always did, most likely thinking of several ways to wreak havoc. The room emptied in an instant as the other kids escaped out of the back door, leaving only the Eds.

“Hey! Where the heck's everyone goin'?! Come back, guys!” Eddy attempted to bring everyone back, as the absolute last thing he needed was to be in a room with the Kankers in such an important time. Sadly, it was no use. Accepting defeat, he turned to face the three.

“Wow!” said May, perceiving the scene. “There's some sort of party goin' on!”

“No duh, stupid!” retorted Marie. “It's a Christmas party.”

“And we weren't even invited!” Upon these words being said, the most fearsome (to Eddy, at least) Kanker out of them all moved into view. He couldn't see her eyes, but he knew they were looking straight at him from the start. She flashed a smirk in his direction. “Well, well, well, look who it is, girls!” She looked at the other two sisters, who were practically exploding with glee at the sight of their “boyfriends”.

Ed moved behind Double D. Even he was frightened.

“Come on, let's get 'em! It ain't Christmas without a bit of love!” said Marie, giggling. The girls were just about to go running at the boys until they were halted by their oldest sister. “We ain't here for them, remember? We're nabbin' the presents and getting' the heck out! Right?”

The two girls nodded begrudingly, and they began a brisk walk over to the table.

Eddy's eyes darted toward the present table. Double D's gift was still sitting at the very top, and if he didn't figure out a way to get it, fast, it would be taken by the Kankers and most likely ruined.

There wasn't any time for an elaborate plan. He had to make up something quick.

Right as he was about to think of a plan, he turned back toward the table. The Kankers had already picked up all the presents and started to amble toward the exit. As May was following the others, one of the boxes she was carrying fell down.

As she was trying to pick it up, Marie looked back at her with narrowing eyes. “Just leave it, May. It's too tiny for it to have anything good inside of it.” At first, May looked disappointed by this, but in the end, she just left it.

“Thanks for the loot!” said Lee, launching the other two into a chorus of laughter. The laughter made an echo into the night sky as they got farther away.

Once they were gone, Eddy looked down to see which box May had dropped.

It was Double D's present, surprisingly still in good shape. He snatched it up and swiftly put it inside his jacket.

The back door opened, and the neighborhood kids returned. Upon seeing what the Kankers had done, Nazz burst into tears. Kevin was trying to comfort her, but it wasn't doing much. “I've been planning this party since late November, Kev! How could it have gone so wrong?” she said in-between sobs.

“Cool it, babe! It's not that bad. 'Least we still got the snacks.” Kevin pointed over to the before mentioned object, which was, thankfully, still intact.

She wiped her tears, sniffing occasionally. “Y-yeah, you're right. I guess it's not all totally wrecked.” She got up and got right back to merrymaking with the others. This went on for about another half hour.

The Eds, who had observed all of the previous mess, turned to eachother and began to talk.

“Poor Nazz,” said Double D. “It's so very unfortunate that such a thing would occur.”

“Yeah,” agreed Eddy. “At least the party's still goin'.” He saw this as his chance. He motioned for Ed to go somewhere else.

“Aye aye, captain!” said Ed, saluting and disappearing into the crowd. Once he was gone, Eddy and Double D were alone.

“Well...It is quite a nice party. Wouldn't you say so?” said the taller boy, looking down at his friend.

Eddy could barely hear him over the sound of his racing heart and the cheesy Christmas music. “Y-yeah, sure. It stinks about the gift exchange thing, though.”

Upon hearing this, the other sighed and said, “Ah, yes. It would've been nice to receive a Christmas gift. Mother and Father often forget, so I rarely get any.”

This was the time. He was going to make his big move. “Well, uh, I've got somethin' for ya.”

His friend perked up, his eyes glowing. “Really?”

“Yeah, but you've gotta shut your eyes, okay?”

A little bit of the glow in his eyes vanished as he glared at the shorter boy. “Oh, come now, Eddy.”

“Just shut 'em, Sockhead! And ya better not peek!”

Double D emitted a sigh of surrender, and brought his hands up to his eyes. Eddy looked up to make sure he was really shutting them, and when he thought the coast was clear, he brought the small box out of his coat.

“Alright, and...Open 'em!”

Double D lowered his hands to see a red and green box with the words “To: Double D, From: Eddy” painted sloppily onto it. He took the box into his hands, then looking at Eddy.

“Well, whaddya waitin' for, an invitation?” he said, blushing. “Take it outta the box!”

The lid of the box was removed, exposing the item inside.

It was a three-dimensional piece of cardboard in the shape of a heart. It was painted red and laced with a crimson ribbon, with the words “For Double D” on it written in permanent marker. Eddy watched anxiously as his friend's expression changed from a look of curiousity to a look of mild confusion.

“W-what is it?” said Double D, his voice quavering.

Eddy looked up at him humbly, gazing into his eyes. “It's my heart,” he said. “And it's yours now.”

It seemed like a wave of astonishment had washed over him. Since he wasn't speaking, Eddy decided it would be best if he went into detail.

“Look, uh, I like ya a lot. More than a friend should. Y'know, without ya, I probably would've stayed a dumb jerk forever. I really do owe a lot to ya. And...It feels like...Without ya, I probably wouldn't be anything.”

There was silence. He felt like Double D was waiting for him to say a certain thing.

“Alright, look, ya big egghead,” he began. “I've liked ya for a while. A long time, actually. I don't mean 'like' like friends, I mean 'like' like...Y'know! So I love ya and stuff! There, I said it! Sheesh...” He crossed his arms, then looked in another direction, blushing.

Double D was as still as a statue, holding Eddy's heart with shaking hands. There was nothing but silence until he finally smiled and said, “I've been waiting for you to say that.”

Eddy turned to face him. “D-does that mean that you like me back?”

He nodded. “Your feelings of love and affection are mutual!”

“If ya could say it in English, that would be nice.” said Eddy, totally confused by the boy's extensive vocabulary.

Double D sighed. “I mean to say that I love you as well.”

He smiled. “Oh. That's good.”

Suddenly, little white flakes appeared in the window. They seemed to be dropping slowly from the sky.

“Lookit, guys! It's snowing!” said Ed, reappearing.

The whole room erupted into a symphony of cheers. The kids rushed outside and began to frolic in the newly discovered snow.

Eddy looked at Double D. “Do ya wanna, um...Go out?”

“I suppose we should,” he replied, giggling. “Literally.”

And so, the two walked outside to join the others, hand in hand.

And that was the fic! I might post my writing stuff more often, so if you wanna see that, or if you liked this one, just let me know!

#ed edd n eddy #eene #eddeddy #ed edd n eddy fanfiction #eddeddy fanfiction

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pixieauthoress · 7 years

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Did you know that Jason Momoa’s first movie appearance (after he made his debut in Baywatch) was in the 2003 Lifetime movie, Tempted? No? Well, it’s a good thing @momoejaku and I spent our afternoon/evening watching this amazing film on YouTube so that I could review it in all of its glory. Yes, this was totally a sensible way to spend my evening. No, I really shouldn’t be editing my novel. Thanks for asking.

But, I mean, why wouldn’t you want to watch a low-budget movie from the early 00s in which young Jason Momoa hooks up with a middle aged tourist with a white saviour complex who is going through a midlife crisis? That kind of film totally has a universal appeal.

We went into this film knowing nothing more than the plot description on YouTube: “A married woman becomes attracted to a young man after she takes the ashes of her nanny to Hawaii.” It’s a little more complicated than that. Okay, a lot. There’s a lot of drama in this movie.

Let’s start with the font used for the credits in this movie. I’m pretty sure this was the default calligraphy font on MS Word back in the day? I totally used this font for a the headings on a bunch of my primary school projects.

Emma, our heroine, lives in Boston, and literally every shot set in Boston features snow, in order to contrast the sunny, carefree lives of Hawaiians with the cold, sterile, boring life Emma is living in Boston.

We’re presented with our first-shot of Emma--a busy woman who balances making smoothies (people in Hawaii eat fresh fruit; those in Boston blend it into fancy smoothies) with making serious phone calls about legal matters. Her hair is always up in Boston. This is significant.

We meet Emma’s kids--a cute geeky kid called Neil (or Neal? I’m not sure, the subtitles were super inconsistent) and a rebellious teen called Jamie. Were blonde streaks rebellious in 2003? Was it really that hard to find a teenage actress who was willing to dye her hair purple or another whacky colour? She wears band tees and lots of black and gets annoyed when her mom won’t let her talk to her boyfriend, Scott, on the phone at breakfast. At one point it’s mentioned that her parents don’t approve of her piercings, but where are they? They must be somewhere super controversial since they’re never visible in the film.

We meet Eddie (I think it’s Eddie? He’s super forgettable, so let’s just go with Eddie), the husband for whom Emma was making that smoothie. Look at what an attentive wife she is, finding time to make fresh smoothies (I mean, it’s not like something like this existed in 2003) on top of working and preventing her daughter from speaking on the phone with her boyfriend! And look at Eddie, totally not paying attention to Emma’s awesomeness by telling her he has to work late again, meaning she has to look after the kids again. I mean, I get it. My husband has gone on three work trips in the last six weeks and I’m tired of being the sole carer of our kid during that time, but this is basically the only aggravating thing Eddie does in this scene? IN SPITE OF THIS, @momoejaku shouted “Throw that smoothie at him and go to Hawaii to find Jason!” Smooth, @momoejaku. He also doesn’t know where his jacket is (in the closet, duh) so he’s pretty useless.

Casual reminder that Emma is living this boring, smoothie-filled life in a BIG CITY. So unlike Hawaii.

We spent just long enough at Emma’s office to learn that she’s a paralegal with a ton of legal knowledge that goes totally unappreciated by her boss, who is seriously overworking her. None of the old white guys in Emma’s life appreciate her enough. On the plus side, she does stand up to her boss, but gets shot down. She tries. We appreciated her attempt to stick it to the man!

While at her office, she gets the call about her nanny (Lily) dying. She’s super sad. She mentions to her assistant (or whoever the other guy in her office is) that Lily raised her. At this point I assumed this was just a standard “rich white girl is raised by a nanny so her mom and dad can do other stuff” scenario, but having watched the entire film I’m wondering if she grew up without a mom? The details are super vague.

Emma goes to Lily’s apartment (presumably? again, vague) and reads a letter Lily conveniently left out for her. Lily never told her she was sick and apologises for this, and talks about how wonderful it was to raise Emma. We see lots of pictures of the two of them, proving their beautiful bond, etc. Emma is sad and sniffs Lily’s scarf or something. There’s emotional music.

Eddie comes home and strips while talking about his day and we’re just like, um, no, where’s Jason? Emma tells him about Lily’s death and how bad she feels that she didn’t know she was sick, and her husband is just like “Meh, friendships change”. She tells him about Lily’s desire (as expressed in the letter) for Emma to take her ashes to Hawaii to be scattered and take part in some traditional ritual (which I can’t spell because, again, inconsistent subs) and he brushes off the idea because Emma works 10-hour days and he’s busy putting up a building (is he an architect? again, super vague details here) and who would look after the kids? Basically: Eddie is a bit of a douche, Emma deserves better.

Emma is watering a plant and then there’s vaguely ghostly music and she’s taken back to a pretty memory of her and Lily making leis together. From this scene I assumed that she grew up in Hawaii, but was later proven wrong.

Emma shouts at her teenage daughter for staying in bed on a weekend, instead of joining them for family pancake breakfast. I think we’re supposed to think the daughter is super rebellious, but all she’s done is sleep in, listen to loud music (which neither me or @momoejaku could hear on the YouTube version of the film?) and own an awesome poster that says Darkside Skateboards. As in, evil jedis ride them? We both want Darkside Skateboards. Anyway, it’s hard parenting such a rebellious (?) teen. Poor Emma. Domesticity is hard. After this supposedly dramatic scene, Emma takes her wicker laundry basket (seriously, people own wicker laundry baskets? Was this an early 00s thing?) into her bedroom and has another (kind of sensualised?) flashback about Lily teaching her to dance.

A delivery guy drops of Lily’s ashes and Eddie has totally forgotten they were arriving, and the kids are like “Eww, her remains are in there? Like her bones and stuff? That’s gross” and I don’t understand how they’ve got to that age without knowing how cremation works? Emma is upset by their disrespect for Lily (who they apparently didn’t know all that well, given their apathy to all of this) and announces that she’s taking Lily home to Hawaii. We cheer and @momoejaku shouts “JASON!” This has been a loooooong 12 minutes of making sure we know just how boring Emma’s life is, how under-appreciated she is, and how much she misses Lily.

Emma arrives in Hawaii and we finally get to see BABY JASON! He steps out his truck wearing one of the many, many tank-tops he sports in this movie. We’re fairly certain his contract stated that he had to show off his biceps in literally every scene. Not that we’re complaining or anything. He’s pretty skinny, in spite of the bicep thing? He introduces himself as Lily’s nephew, Kala, and his voice is super deep and we spent time pondering how weird this is, but then it’s fine for the rest of the movie so maybe he just had a cold? Maybe something went wrong with the recording? We’re not sure. Send us your theories. Anyway, verdict so far: Baby Jason is adorable.

So, YouTube subbed “Lily’s Emma?” as “They’ll eat salmon” and I had to show you all. Anyway, it’s revealed that everyone knows who Emma is, in spite of the fact that she’s never been to Hawaii, and everyone knows Lily too. Baby Jason explains that it’s a “small island, no secrets” and seriously, if you plan to drink while watching this film, you should do a shot any time someone says that line. Hawaii is tiny y’all and Emma is a celeb, obvs.

YouTube interpreted “I’m driving” as “I’m drugged” but I like the idea that Baby Jason was high for the entirety of this film a lot better. There’s cute-ish car-driving banter, Jason reveals he knows tons about Emma’s life while she has no idea who he is? And he quips about the “small island, no secrets” thing again—which suggests that it’s really not the best place to have an affair with your nanny’s nephew? Maybe this is all foreshadowing.

Jason drops Emma off at Lily’s house (which she didn’t know existed) and nothing really eventful happens except WET BICEPS ZOMG.

Emma wanders around outside the next morning taking in the views of Hawaii for like five entire minutes, until Jason happens to come along and see her in her PJs, OMG SCANDAL. Unlike what the subtitles suggest, he came from his “mother’s old house” across the way, not his “mother’s old ass”. @momoejaku literally had to pause the movie because she dissolved into a fit of laughter for three whole minutes at this point. This film is worth watching just for the bad subs alone. Also her HAIR IS DOWN. SHE IS FREE AND LIBERATED.

She goes to Jason’s mom’s house for breakfast and practically faints at how much Jason’s mom looks like Lily, and his mom is like “Duh, I’m her sister.” Then she admits she doesn’t normally eat breakfast and Jason legit says “You do now” because independent have-it-all women like Emma just love it when men romantically tell them how to eat. But, like, he looks super hot drinking coffee and HIS HAIR (we spent a lot of time discussing his luscious hair) and his biceps are out again? So we don’t blame Emma for eating breakfast to impress Jason.

Emma is like “I’ve never seen so many flowers” and Jason is legit like “It’s a flower farm”. Jason talks about how successful the business is then his mom gives him his lunchbox before he goes to work, suddenly making him slightly less attractive. We have no idea how old he’s supposed to be. 18? 30? Either way he should be capable of making his own lunch. His mom talks about the problems with evil white developers wanting to build on some land that affects the water to the flower farm, and Emma asks them if they have a lawyer and obviously they can’t afford one (even though Jason explained how well the farm was doing literally a minute ago?) so Emma volunteers to be the White Saviour and help them, for free—this providing a reason for her to spend more time in Hawaii with Baby Jason.

They go to the home of the other owner of the farm, Julia, to get papers for Emma to look over and Jason’s mom (her name is Kehau, I should really use it more) says something vague about how Julia had a hard life and means well. Julia is like “I can’t believe you’re doing this to me!” and Jason’s mom is like “She’s going to help us!” and we assumed this was just a standard “we don’t want help from white people” thing, but later plot stuff reveals SECRET DRAMA. So this scene is more relevant than I thought at the time.

Emma checks out Jason in the side-mirror of Julia’s car as they drive somewhere for plot reasons.

Emma and Kehau talk about the ritual that Lily wanted her to complete, which is something about talking until each person forgives. Emma is confused by what this means, and Kehau tells her that Julia is Emma’s real mother, and says something about Emma’s father being a cold man. Emma is adamant that he wasn’t—like, seriously, you’re a grown woman and you still think your father is perfect? How is this possible? Isn’t everyone disillusioned about the awesomeness of their parents by the time they’re 12? Anyway, DRAMA TIME. Emma storms off in disbelief. @momoejaku proclaims that she knew something like this would happen, while I’m just wondering where Jason comes into the plot.

At this point, we’re still confused about whether Emma was raised to believe someone other than Julia was her mother, or if she was just told her mother was dead? This is genuinely never explained.

Emma calls her husband to say she’s coming home early. Jason shows up while Emma is stomping around the forest and she asks him if he knew about Julia being her mom and he’s like “small island, no secrets” SO DRINK UP GUYS. Apparently everyone knows.

Emma has a weird flashback dream about smashing some glass sculpture and Lily comforting her/disciplining her? I don’t know. We were confused by what this scene meant. @momoejaku had some theory about the significance of something smashing and Emma’s boundaries breaking down? Very analytical. I have an English degree and even I was lost for ideas. Emma calls her husband to stay she’s staying. She’s very indecisive. This appears to be Emma’s theme.

WET HAIR AND BICEPS. I mean, yeah, Jason is fishing and comforts Emma and is totally chilled and understanding about how she treated him like a dick the previous day when he had nothing to do with her issues. She says she feels betrayed to know that her mother was alive all these years (aha! So she was told her mom was dead. Finally, this is making more sense) and he’s like “You don’t have to deal with this right now, or tomorrow, just chill and spend time with the ocean” and she’s like “Is that the Hawaiian way?” and he’s like, “More like the Kala way” because that’s his name, in case you forgot. We just called him Jason for the entire film. Sorry if this review is confusing.

Julia attempts to talk to Emma and she’s like “I don’t want to know you, EVER” because apparently she’s 13 and just assuming that it’s all Julia’s fault, and that her rich, white, privileged father couldn’t possibly have had a part in this? We see that Julia hung on to trinkets from her time as Emma’s mom. Emma seems like a total dick.

The costume department obviously ran out of tank tops because Jason is wearing a shirt with sort-of sleeves! There’s banter and he makes a comment about her being a poor swimmer? I think this is relevant later? He checks her out, because apparently young, hot Hawaiian dudes have a thing for stuck-up middle-aged white women.

There’s some boring plot stuff that I’m not going to bother screenshotting. Eddie has to work late and trusts Jamie to look after things (ooh, I spy drama. We predicted she was going to throw a party) and Julia attempts to talk to Emma again and explain that her father’s parents put pressure on her. Emma is still a dick and won’t listen.

Emma runs some errand to do with the legal stuff and obviously Jason is at the bar next door because it’s a small island, y’all. She asks the bartender for a drink twice and he gets offended that she’s acting like a mainlander and wanting to rush stuff, just like the people trying to buy up that land. He’s touchy. She buys him a beer, so hey, feminism! Also Jason HAS A FIFTEEN YEAR OLD SON?? Like, what? He’s 24 in this role and could easily pass for younger. This makes literally no sense. Like, an eight year old son we could maybe buy.

My theory, having watched the film, is that they added in the sub-plot about his teenage son after they cast Jason in the role of Kala, and just didn’t have time to replace him with someone older? Or they just seriously struggled to find male Hawaiian actors of the right age? Because there’s no way he could pass for 30 or older. Or maybe they just wanted us to think everyone in Hawaii is youthful and never ages.

Back in Boston, Jamie has Scott over and her shirt and his jeans are undone SCANDAL. Dad freaks out, and she says he abuses her with his dislike of her hair and friends and he’s like “Well, get new ones!” So helpful, Eddie. Great parenting. Jason—who apparently got someone pregnant when he was 9—appears to be doing a better job than you. She shouts “This is who I am!” and seriously, she’s probably the most realistic character in this movie. Oh yeah, Jamie is also 15, like Billy, Jason’s son.

Eddie calls Emma because he can’t parent and Jamie is “her job”. He’s like “ZOMG, she could get pregnant” and neither of them seem to think they could just talk to their daughter about contraception? He’s annoyed that she won’t come home and she’s like, dude, just be a parent already.

Jason’s outfit is really well coordinate with these flowers. And that’s about all that’s interesting in this scene. He looks good in pink.

Jason takes Emma swimming underwater (so much for her not being a strong swimmer??) to some secret place inside some rocks and I imagine it would be romantic if there was any music?

He talks her through a panic attack in the secret blue place and then says “You look good wet” and they admire the pretty blue stuff and then makeout.

MEANWHILE, back in Boston, Eddie and the kids are on their way to visit because a) they’re concerned about how she’s handling Lily’s death or b) he just really can’t parent. Probably b).

Romantic beach chat. Emma says “I was scared but I went in anyway” and @momoejaku was like “Wait, did they do more than kiss?” and I was like “Dude, that would be a terrible innuendo” and they chat about how Emma worries over everything. Jason is like “You could just not worry”. Helpful, dude.

He puts a flower in his hair and just looks really good in that pink shirt? Much romantic silentness. So much is unsaid. Like the fact that the romantic heroine of this film is married, and neither of us are entirely sure if Jason is aware of this? She barely mentions her husband and kids, ever.

Emma’s family shows up and she’s still wearing Jason’s flower, AWKWARD. She didn’t check her messages so didn’t realise they were coming. Jason’s mom is like “The kids can sleep in my house, I thought you could use some time alone with your hubby” which is basically code for “Stop seducing my son”. I’m fairly certain she called Eddie and told him to come.

There’s an awkward family meal—well, for Emma, Jason seems super chilled, maybe he seduces middle-aged white tourists all the time—and Billy shows up! @momoejaku and I speculate over whether he’s going to hook up with Jamie. That would make things even more awks. Billy looks the same age as Jason so this is even more ridic than it was before. Julia shows up because the meal wasn’t weird enough.

Emma finds her husband and Jason chatting about going fishing on the porch, but when she and Eddie leave Jason looks a bit crushed, so maybe he’s not as chilled as he’s been acting. Poor Baby Jason. I still don’t know if he knew Emma was married until Eddie showed up?

Eddie attempts to make out with Emma on the walk back to Lily’s house and she brushes him off because she’s “tired”. GUILT. Seriously, I’m finding it really hard to root for a married heroine. This is just weird. I can’t tell if Jason is complicit and was doing this even though he knew Eddie existed, but he’s Jason and he looks so adorable so gets more sympathy. Fully aware that that’s problematic but, hey, we’re only watching this film because of him.

Jamie sneaks out to hang out with Billy, who she just met, and he randomly mentions that he got caught breaking into a house for fun? Then asks Jamie how long her parents have been divorced and she says they’re not, and he’s like “That’s not good, your mom has been hanging out with my dad” which makes me think either Jason divulges his affairs with married women to his son, or he really thought Emma was divorced?? Either way, Jamie knows now. Uh-oh.

There’s more mom drama, Julia explains the whole “white people had power and made me give you up” but Emma is still a dick. I’m not going to screenshot it because we were really pissed at her by this point.

Eddie runs into Jason’s mom the next day and asks if Emma’s back from her run, and she’s like “Oh, she didn’t go running, went into town with Kala” and he starts getting suspicious. He goes into town, where Jason is shouting “Son of a bitch!” because the bad guys have planning permission. Bad guys obviously show up and he gets into a fight and Emma stops him from properly fighting by, uh, grapping his pecs and biceps and stroking his face? @momoejaku is like, uh, that’s how I’d stop him from fighting too. Obviously her husband shows up right then.

She has a chat with her husband and admits that Jason made her feel like someone she’d lost, general midlife crisis stuff. He actually gives a lovely speech about all the reasons they fell in love and why they should stay married. In spite of his previous uselessness, I like him. Poor guy.

Convenient conversation (@momoejaku was literally like “Is that all he’s going to do? Tell her stuff about her mom?”) between Billy and Jamie where he reveals MORE stuff to Jamie, like how Julia is her grandmother. Also, it’s emphasised again how important Emma was to Lily and that Emma has been a bit of a dick as she hasn’t really kept in touch with Lily all these years. Ugh, she’s kind of the least likeable heroine ever. Jamie blows up at her mom for not telling her about Jamie, and for neglecting Lily. Honestly, she really does a good attempt at talking sense into her mom. I like her. Also her outfit rocks. She tells her mom that she knows about her affair with Jason and threatens to tell Eddie, and Emma storms out shouting “I was never good at being a mom anyway! Maybe it’s genetic? Is that what you want? Me gone?” It’s very dramatic and Jamie gets upset. I get it, parenting is hard. Maybe when I’m depressed and having a midlife crisis I’ll go to Hawaii and hook up with a hot dude to forget my troubles.

Emma goes swimming to the special blue place again in an attempt to hear from Lily, and I’m like, why would you go to the place you made out with Jason to hear from your nanny? Then she goes to the special prayer rock Jason showed her earlier and has a moment where she keeps looking at this one particular flower and finally hears from Lily.

Meanwhile, Jamie is sensible and goes to chat to Julia. That kid is awesome. She also reveals that Emma’s father never got married again after Julia left—thanks, kid, this info would have been useful earlier. It’s taken me a long time to figure out Emma’s family history.

Emma and Kehau have a confrontation where Emma apologises for keeping Lily away all these years and Kehau accuses her of neglecting Lily and gets super upset. Emma says the words that she heard at the prayer rock and everything is better, Kehau confirms that it must be from Lily. Hooray! Conflict resolved by mystical words from beyond the grave! Kehau apologises for making Emma believe that Lily didn’t come back because of her (for all of ten seconds? Come on, let the woman feel guilty for longer than that. She’s done some crappy stuff for the entirely of this film).

ZOMG ominous storm brewing, and the kids are going hunting for fossils? Whatever could happen? Will they a) find an ancient burial ground that makes the land into sacred land that can’t be built on by the bad guys or b) get lost in the storm forcing the families to rescue them and bond together? The possibilities!

You guys, marines are getting into the sacred cave. In case anyone was wondering, RAIN is actually getting in.

So obviously Billy decides to climb the WET WALL to get some candles (@momoejaku and I missed this detail earlier and spent the next fifteen minutes going “Why did he even climb that wall? And where did they get those candles?” We are kind of ridic) and falls off and knocks himself out so they’re stuck in the storm. So far, option b) is looking likely. Anyway, we actually didn’t see this coming, the fall came out of nowhere, and @momoejaku made the most ridic facial expressions and kind of looked like a perplexed meerkat at this point in the movie. It was adorbs. There maaaaaay be screenshots ;)

Parents are predictably freaking out that the kids aren’t back yet. Eddie is pissed that Kehau is making him wait for Jason to show up to help him navigate the mountain and basically acts like a whiny child. Jason finally shows up looking surprisingly hot in a yellow raincoat (Eddie looks like a dork in his) and is annoyed at Eddie forgetting that he has a kid who is missing too. They go off in Jason’s truck to rescue the kids, and Emma stays home. At this point, we’re confused about the turn of events. Shouldn’t this be about Eddie and Emma bonding over rescuing the kids together, and Emma realising how much she loves her family? Not Eddie and Jason bonding? What are they going to do, decide to have an open relationship where Emma gets to be with both men? Run off without her? Seriously, I have no idea what the best conclusion to this film would be.

Meanwhile, Jamie leaves Neil alone with Billy (surrounded by candles like some sort of human sacrifice, but hey, he did almost die trying to get them) so she can run for help. Julia turns up at Kehau’s house and decides to take matters into her own hands, so they head out in search of the kids. Girl power! Oh wait, this film is about Emma and her mom bonding, not which guy she gets. I keep getting lost

Eddie falls down a hill because he’s a dork, Jason still looks studly and offers him a hand to help him up because he’s the better person, and also still manages to look awesome in all that rain?

All the rain in the spooky cave reveals some skulls which freaks out Neil but hey, we called it, it’s an ancient burial ground! And a chance for all the families to bond! Awesome. Jamie (or is it Janie? I can’t tell) is amazing as always and finds Julia and Emma.

Jason looks super concerned when he hears that his son is hurt (ugh, my ovaries) and then when he’d told he’s “in a cave, up there” he’s like “I know where!” So apparently there’s only one cave up this mountain? Cool, let’s roll with it. Jamie starts sobbing and her mom is like “It’s okay baby, I love you” so yay, they fixed that family drama. Only 9284 more to deal with! Jason adorably jogs off like some baby deer. With Eddie, obvs, but who cares about him?

They find the boys! Jason as the anguished, caring father is the best thing ever. He definitely gets into the role in Frontier. He needs to do more stuff where he gets to be fatherly and cause women’s ovaries to explode all over the world.

Aaaaaaand skip to Lily’s funeral. Oh yeah, that’s still happening. Kehau looks beautiful, there’s some lovely singing and dancing. Billy has a plaster on his head but otherwise looks fine, in spite of the fact that he was knocked unconscious for how long? Who knows? Jason looks awesome in pink flowers, obvs.

Jamie randomly gets up and decides to join in with the dancing? Because it wouldn’t be a Hawaiian funeral if the white chick’s daughter didn’t make it all about her. Emma cries and I guess it’s okay because Jamie’s getting in touch with her roots and they’re all actually Hawaiian, but dude, seriously. This felt super uncomfortable. Emma and Eddie look at each other and kiss and hold hands super sweetly but I may have shouted “Don’t make out with your husband in front of Jason Momoa! That’s just disrespectful! Also, you know, it’s a funeral.” @momoejaku totally agreed with me.

Also, the funeral was all Christian and stuff? Kind of unexpected.

Julia and Emma finally have a proper heart to heart. I really don’t care at this point. This has dragged on for ages and Emma has been super childish. She’s a really difficult character to like or root for. They plan to stay in touch, so yay, I guess?

Emma and Jason conveniently have a private moment on the land that is no longer going to be developed because of the remains they found in that cave, also conveniently. Jason is super sad that she’s leaving and all adorable and like “I’ve never felt this way about anyone before, we belong together” which really makes me think that he’s like 22 and not the father to a teenager with tons of life experience? She’s like “You helped me to see things differently but I belong with my family, that’s who I am” which basically means “I used you to get through my midlife crisis but now you’re no longer useful”. Like, the things they say are so different? Emma’s is all about how he helped her, whereas his are all about them as a couple and his strong feelings for her. I really feel sorry for him. He clearly cares a lot more for her than he does for him.

He legit clutches his hands to his heart and says “You feel that? That’s you. You will always be a part of me. That’s who I am” which totally makes him look like the better person. They kiss, but she never says he’ll always be a part of her, so, yeah. Jason wins. She totally used him and what they had was just novelty escapism that she’s going to forget. Also what’s going to happen if she comes home to visit her mom again and runs into him? Awks. At this point, @momoejaku shouted “No, you’ll find a beautiful Hawaiin wife and forget her immediately!” She’s totally not going to go and write Kala fanfiction now ;)

Emma says that phrase her mom said to her at the prayer rock and he smiles and looks heartbroken and says “You’re welcome” and AWW JASON. Don’t use him like that! Poor guy. He was way more invested in this than she was. Jerk.

The women get together for this silent scene (or maybe we just didn’t get the music, again?) where they spill Lily’s ashes in some water and then a rainbow appears in the sky and I could screenshot this all but we were just too sad on Jason’s behalf at this point to care about the other plots. Anyway, that was it. Then the credits roll and we find out that the entire thing was filmed in Australia and we were just BETRAYED? They went to all that effort to show us how beautiful Hawaii is, but nope, it was all A LIE. It was Australia. We feel just like Jason—cheated out of something we trusted. Or maybe that’s how Eddie felt. But let’s be honest, we’re just here for Jason, so we’re on his side.

Anyway, that’s it. I don’t know if you’d really want to watch this movie unless you’re a total Jason Momoa fangirl like @momoejaku and I unashamedly are, but hey, it would make a good drinking game. Suggestions:

* Drink any time someone says “small island, no secrets”

* Drink any time Jamie is rebellious

* Drink any time Neil mentions a dorky fact

* Drink any time Jason checks out Emma

* Drink any time Emma checks out Jason

* Drink any time Emma is a dick to Julia

* Drink any time anyone mentions the land they’re trying to save

* Drink any time Jason looks brooding/moody/emotional

* Drink any time Eddie is annoying/whiny/useless

* Drink any time Emma is in her pyjamas or swimsuit

* Drink any time Jason shows off his biceps. Twice if they’re wet.

...it’s probably best just to pick three of these? Otherwise you might get alcohol poisoning.

Personally, I watched this film entirely sober because I drank one glass of Pimms and one glass of red wine last night after spending three hours in the sun with no hat and woke up with a hangover, because I’m now the parent of a preschooler and just can’t handle my alcohol. So prep in advance, guys. Don’t make the same mistake I did. Go to bed sober in order to prepare for some epic drinking and ogling of wet biceps.

#jason momoa #tempted #lifetime movie #rachel and riah watch terrible films #sometimes i review stuff

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