#and later today im gonna go hang out with freshman and our other friend

[southislandwren]

i am so desperately in love with boytoy. anyway i planned our trip to wyoming today and im very excited for that in two weeks

[toplinetommy]

You Bring the Moon and Stars to Me (Part One) - Tyson Jost

gif by @pavszacha​

Synopsis: A Soulmate!AU where your soulmark only appears once you fall in love with your soulmate

Word Count: 3.5k

series playlist

January 2017 – University of North Dakota

It was your senior year at NoDak, and you couldn’t believe that you had somehow made it through nearly four years of school already. You of course had the help from your roommates who doubled as your best friends, and the hockey team to keep you sane from everything that comes with being a student studying purchasing management. If you were told freshman year you would be buddy-buddy with any D1 sports team, you would’ve laughed.

That’s kind of how you ended up where you were today: a student-athlete tutor. You were a marketing major, loving it so much and needing some extra money, you had decided to tutor the first level econ and marketing classes when you were a second-semester sophomore.

You were in the middle of tutoring a few of the guys that were all enrolled in Intro to Economics when a guy you had never seen came barreling in the room.

“Hey, Boes, do you know when the bus leaves tomorrow? I didn’t write it down and no one sent it in the group chat.” The curly headed brunette spoke. You figured he was on the team with what he said combined with the green UND hockey shirt he wore.

“Uhh 10:30, and don’t be late you saw what happened to Cam last week.” The blonde in front of you chirped. The brunette scoffed as he rolled his eyes, exiting the room just as quickly as he entered.

“Who was that?” you ask the guys surrounding you, bringing your Yeti to your lips for a sip of water.

“Why, you think he’s cute?” Brock smirked, causing both Tucker and Andrew to laugh. He was one of the guys you had been tutoring since freshman year, so you had a closer bond to him then some of the other guys on the team.

His chirp had you choking on the last bit of water in your mouth, “What! I can’t just ask who a guy I’ve never seen before is?”

“Name’s Tyson, he’s a freshman from Canada.” You nodded, noticing the slight accent he had when he spoke earlier. “I think he’s only here for the year though, he was a top 10 pick in the  draft.”

At that, the boys all went back to taking their notes and working on their case studies as the new boy’s face stuck in your mind for a few more minutes.

“By the way, are you coming to our next home game? It’s next Friday.” Tucker said as he put his laptop into his backpack. “I’ll even let you wear my alternate jersey.”

You laughed at this, the boys always making jokes on who’s jersey you got to wear whenever you went to games. “Only if you finish your econ stuff before then.” He agrees, and you and the boys all make your way out of the common room.

-

A knock on your front door startles you as you eat your sandwich, and before you can get up to go see who it is, Tucker is walking into your apartment, green sweater in hand.

“Okay, so I might not have washed my jerseys still, so here’s a different one.” He admits, tossing the sweater in your general direction. You unfold the jersey seeing the number 17 stitched onto the sleeves and the name Jost on the back.

“Tuck, I literally have no idea who’s jersey this is?”

“Oh! It’s Josty’s, the freshman. We’re also playing a prank on all the new guys tonight so we stole all of their green jerseys so they think they're missing.” The brunette in front of you laughs to himself. You agree to wear it, only because you don’t really have anything else to wear and you’d thought entertaining this so-called prank would do no harm.

It’s a few hours later and the mystery-man’s jersey looks like it was made to fit you with how it drapes over your shoulders. You’re sitting with two of your roommates that you had to drag along as well as one of their boyfriend’s. One of the many perks about going to a school like North Dakota was that there was one sport everyone bonded over: ice hockey.

Warmups had just started and you finally spot #17 on the ice and that’s when it hits you. Jost. Tyson Jost. Number 17. The freshman, the guy that you had met for the first time just a few days prior. The guy that you thought was kind of cute. No scratch that, not kind of, but definitely cute.

“Dude, Allison,” You nudge your roommates shoulder. “I don’t think the team is playing a prank on the freshies, I think Tuck is playing a prank on me.”

Allison quirks her eyebrows in confusion, urging you to keep talking. “If they were gonna steal their jerseys why would they hand them out to people and not just hide them?” You groan, and Allison doesn’t think too much of it, not knowing the ins and outs of the team like you do.

The game ends with a win, the arena shaking with excitement. You knew the boys would be excited with the win, especially coming after a tough loss earlier in the week.

You and your friends make your way back home and you text the group chat you’re in with the guys you tutor letting them know they played great.

Dumb Jocks + 1 Y/N: great game guys 🤩 *Brock loved the message* Andrew: thanks y/n! Andrew: also party at the house 10pm Y/N: might drag the roomies and make an appearance. and tuck, im ripping you a new one when i see you Tucky: just for that i decided its going to be a jersey party 😈 *Brock laughed at the message*

It’s two hours later when you walk through the front door of the NoDak hockey house. You were probably one of the handful of people there that actually spend time there both sober and when the sun is shining. This gives you much more confidence navigating your way through to the back of the living room, finding the small group of guys you actually know on the team.

The group consisting of Tucker, Andrew, Brock, and Johnny, cheers as you approach them. You walk straight up to Tucker, giving him a hard clap on the shoulder to say hi to him. “Hey, Tucky, you gotta real nice jersey on you there.” You chirp, gesturing to his Drew Doughty jersey. “It’s almost like you play hockey or something.”

Tucker shakes your hand that’s still resting on his shoulder off and points it back towards you. “I think the real story here, bud, is the jersey you’re rocking tonight.” You hadn’t bothered changing out of the green sweater between the game and now, opting to show school spirit. Besides, how often did you get to wear a player’s jersey, right?

You roll your eyes as the other boys look to see the commotion between you and Tucker. The boys snicker at the sight of you two upon seeing the green #17 sweater still adorning your body.

“Tucky, I didn’t know you actually got her to wear it!” Brock emphasized, going into to dap up his teammate. Your head snapped towards the blonde, shooting him, as well as the other boys all a glare.

“Anyways, I’m here to get drunk and win some flip cup, not be patronized by a bunch of dumb jocks.” You joke, looking over your shoulder to see where your other friends went. You say your goodbyes, letting them know you’ll see them around throughout the night.

You’re standing near the staircase with your friends, about halfway done with your third drink when the freshman brunette walks up to your group.

“So that’s where my alternate jersey went, eh?”

You scoffed into your cup, your friends laughing at the confrontation. “Yeah, I guess so.”

An awkward silence falls over your small group, the unintended snarkiness of your tone being felt by everyone. Your few friends leave the two of you, mentioning that they needed refills.

“Sorry about the jersey. I can wash it tomorrow and bring it the next time I tutor the guys.”

Tyson leans against the wall across from you, “It’s no problem. I don’t think we wear them again until next month anyways.”

Silence falls between the two of you again, the one common denominator between the two of you being the jersey hanging over your shoulders.

“So, uh, what do you tutor the guys in?” Tyson pipes up, hiding his expression behind the Bud Light in his hand, bringing it to his lips for a swig.

“Mainly econ, but I help some of the guys in specific classes depending on their major. Like, Johnny and Tucker, for example. They’re both in finance and econ, and I’ve taken a lot of those classes.”

“You’re an econ major then?”

“Oh, no,” you laugh. “My minor is econ, but I’m a marketing major. What about you? Have you decided on a major yet?”

The question pulls a laugh out of Tyson, confusing you. “Yeah, I’m pre-athletic training, but I don’t see myself finishing that out.”

You swallow the rest of your drink and decide to chirp him a bit, “What? Too big of some hockey hot-shot to get a degree?”

That comment elicits another laugh from the Canadian in front of you, and that’s when you decide you could definitely get used to hearing that sound.

He gets ready to answer when Tucker yells at the both of you from the kitchen, “Josty! y/n! We’re about to start flip cup, let’s go!”

Tyson chugs the rest of his beer before setting it on a nearby table and grabbing another one from the case in the fridge. He takes a spot across from you on the other side of the table as you guys jump into the game.

As the games continue, your level of sobriety starts to deteriorate and a light dizziness falls over your body. The current game of flip cup being played is elimination style and your team had lost, the other team electing to have you kicked off your team.

You move to the side, leaning against the kitchen counter to continue watching the game unfold in front of you. You pulled out your phone, trying to figure out where some of your group had disappeared to, seeing that one of them had already left to go hookup with one of her usual hookups.

You start to type back to her, letting her know that you’ll text her when you’re home when you feel a presence next to you. Turning your head to the side you see Tyson reappearing next to you.

He notices the mix of drunkness and tiredness on your face, asking if you were all good. You nod your head, going to scratch the discomfort you feel at the back of your left elbow. “I think I’m getting ready to go home soon, just trying to make sure my friends and I all leave at the same time.”

Tyson nods, tight-lipped, and offers to help you find them. As you walk around the house gathering your friends, the discomfort on your elbow only grows.

April 2017 – University of North Dakota

You’re standing in your apartment, waiting around on Tucker and Brock to come pick you up before the banquet, staring yourself down in the mirror hanging on the back of the bathroom door. You get dressed up often, but never quite this dressed up and your nerves are getting the best of you. You don’t think anything can prepare yourself for the dinner you’re about to go to: the North Dakota men’s hockey senior banquet.

As you put your earrings in, you hear a knock on the front door and the boys shouting that they were here. You yell back that you were coming, heading to the kitchen to grab your flask and purse.

“You excited for your first hockey banquet?” Tucker yelled into the kitchen. You had known him for the past two years, regularly tutoring him, and over the course of those years he had somehow become one of your best friends.

Walking out into the living room, where the two boys were sitting, you let them know that you were excited and ready to go.

“Damn, y/n, didn’t know you were such a rocket.” Brock whistles. You roll your eyes at them, but specifically him, and gesture towards the door.

You sit with Tucker and some of the other guys you know from tutoring, and get through dinner barely speaking a word due to all of the speeches being made. The dinner was good, it was a nice break from your cooking and the fast-food you were used to eating on a regular basis.

You got more involved in the conversations as the seniors got to make speeches, asking Tucker what some of the inside jokes and chirps were all about. Lots of laughter and snuck-in alcohol later, the boys and their dates were ready for their bar crawl.

Your large group walks into to the first bar, the boys going straight up to the bar to get drinks as no-one really pregamed. The group ends up all back together for the first bit, taking over one of the front corners of the balcony that overlooks the rest of the bar. You guys were clearly over dressed for the dive bar located right off of campus with all the guys in suits and ties and the girls in dresses and heels, whereas everyone else was dressed for the cold April weather.

Tucker finally makes his way back to you, two drinks in his hand, as he hands one over to you. You thank him loudly and quickly jump into conversation.

“You sad I’m leaving you guys soon?” You yell, with a wide smile on your face. Tucker, Andrew, Brock and Johnny all laugh at you. You were the oldest of the group, as everyone else was either a junior or younger.

“I’ll be sad not being here, but I won’t be sad that I’m finally done with school.” Brock admits, to which he earns a few eye rolls from the other guys. Both Andrew and Johnny weren’t really on a clear cut path to the NHL, instead just playing for the fun of it at this level.

The conversations start to slow down in the group as the music gets louder and more drinks are consumed. Tucker and Brock get pulled away by some of the other guys for a little bit, leaving you alone with some of the girls as well as Andrew and Johnny.

You’re in the middle of a story being told when you hear Brock and Tucker’s booming laughter not too far away from you. When you turn to look at them, they’re standing with Tyson, who looks as if he’s speaking into both of their ears so they can hear him properly. Tucker is grasping his chest as he spots you looking at him, causing him to only laugh harder.

A light flush falls on your cheeks, confused as to why the sight of you makes him laugh more. You put your straw in your mouth, biting down on it as a nervous habit, and look down at your dress making sure nothing was spilled on you.

When you look up again, Tucker is no longer where he was standing and his voice startles you as he appears next to you. “You will never believe what just happened,” he starts, a hint of laughter still laced in his tone. “Tyson just asked me if we were together.”

The accusation makes you laugh, too, the both of you starting to lose your breath at the crazy thought. The both of you had become such good friends over the past 18 months that he was more like a brother than anything else.

The laughter dies down, and a realization hits you. “Why the fuck did he want to know if we’re dating?”

“I think the kid thinks you’re cute.” Tucker smirks, raising his eyebrows before downing the rest of his drink.

Your face flushes again, and as you finally go to respond to the statement you see the culprit of the previous conversation heading your way. Turning to your friend for an escape, you see that he has made himself seemingly disappear into the crowd. By the time you spot the tall brunette he’s out on the dancefloor talking to some girl.

You turn back around, trying to find someone new to start a conversation with when there’s a tap on your shoulder. Looking over your shoulder, you see that Tyson finally made his way over to you.

In light of the new information Tucker has given you, you sheepishly greet the freshman in front of you. His just as shy response gives you a little boost of confidence and you decide to mess with him a little. “Aren’t you a little too young to get into American bars?”

“Perks of my status, I guess.” He shrugs with a hint of cockiness in his tone, a new found confidence showing on his face.

“Oh, the big-shot Canadian hockey player status?”

He laughs pointedly “that’s the one.”

You were trying to figure out how to articulate your words about what he was laughing about with Tucker earlier in the night, when a wet substance pours down your back. Your jaw drops open, shoulders shrugging in both shock and discomfort. The back of your light blue dress is completely and noticeably soaking wet.

Tyson watches everything unfold in front of him. He watches your bright eyes and smiling cheeks do a complete 180 into a scowl. You whip around to whoever spilled their drink on you, ready to give them a piece of your mind. As you open your mouth, getting ready to tell the guy off that he hadn't noticed what he had just done, a large hand wraps around your stomach pulling you back.

“Hey, it’s not a big deal. He’s probably plastered and didn’t mean to spill.” Tyson assures lowly into your ear, causing the hair on the back of your neck to stand straight up. The hand not holding your drink goes to hold where Tyson’s hand is placed on your stomach, using his warmth to bring you back down to earth.

You take a deep breath and try to swallow your embarrassment before turning back towards him. You rest wrap your hands around his biceps as he continues to rest his free hand on the small of your back. Looking back up at him only makes you feel embarrassed again, realizing he’s touching the gross substance that was dumped all over you.

“I want to leave.” You let out in a whisper.

“You sure? We can find the other guys and stay if you want and try to have a good rest of the night. I don’t think anyone will care.” Tyson says, caution laced in his soft tone.

Shutting your eyes and tightening your grip on him, you continue, “I care and I just want to go home and shower.” You turn out of his grip for a moment to try and spot either Tucker or Brock in the crowd. You find them rather quickly, both with girls, causing you to sign heavily. “I’m going to call an Uber.”

You start to walk away towards the door but Tyson catches up to you quickly. Grabbing your hand he pulls you back into him slightly. “I had two beers, y/n, I can drive you back.”

You nod your head and thank him for the offer, leading him out of the bar and towards the parking lot. You follow him to his car and as you get to your door, he opens it for you. You thank him and he runs over to the driver’s side, jumps into the driver’s seat, starts the car, and turns the radio down.

His car finally pulls into the parking lot of your apartment complex, and you lift your head from the car window to turn to him. “Thank you for driving me, I really appreciate it. Sorry you had to miss out on the senior bar crawl for this.”

“It’s no problem, at all. I would’ve wanted to leave under those circumstances, too.” He admits. You give him an awkward tight lipped smile to say goodbye as you hop out of the car. As you open your front door you turn back to wave at him, yelling another thank you.

When you’re in the shower a little while later, you can’t seem to shake the comfort you felt when he pulled you away from the guy that had spilled his drink on you. Smiling to yourself, you turn the water off, dry off and put lotion on your elbows noticing how dry and itchy they both were towards the end of the night.

[savoies]

Cliches - Carter Hart.

Carter Hart x Reader.

Summary: Carter is the popular guy while Y/N is just the girl who keeps to herself. She starts tutoring him and they rekindle a friendship that they used to have which leads to even more after learning to trust each other again.

Word Count: 2.5k

Warning: maybe a bad word or two and hints of a bad home life.

A/N: Before anyone comes at me, yes this is like a walk to remember but with my ideas and a different take on that. But it does have the aspect of two opposites attracting. I really hope you guys like it.

Carter Hart was the residential popular boy at Lakeview High. Everyone knew him and he tried to know everyone. Carter was big on meeting new people and starting conversations wherever he was. He wasn't popular for being rude, being the football captain, or dating the head cheerleader. Carter was actually popular for being nice. Yes he did have a spot on the football team but he didn't think he was better than anyone else and treated everyone the same.

Y/N was the residential shy girl. She kept to herself and her life motto was the less social interactions the better. Y/N didn't perceive to be rude she just didn't like to put her walls down for people that would just walk away. She felt as though keeping to herself was the best option. She did put her walls down for her best friend but he just walked away after they both went into highschool.

Carter and Y/N had their fair share of interactions throughout highschool. But during their entire childhood they were glued to the hip. Carter was the only person that had seen Y/N be herself yet when they went into highschool that all changed. Carter joined the football team saying that he would still have enough time for his best friend. But after the first week Y/N was by herself and Carter was mostly with his new friends that included football players and cheerleaders.

Carter tried talking to Y/N, ok maybe not having a full blown conversation but sending a simple hello her way. But every time he tried she would walk the other way. She didn't want to deal with him. If he had ignored her all of freshman year, she could ignore a simple hello. As she walked to her english class she took a seat towards the middle where she could blend in. There was about ten minutes before class started so she buried her head in a book to avoid conversation. What brought back her attention though was Carter walking in with his friends laughing loudly. Y/N looked up and they made eye contact for a second. She smiled at him shyly and put her book away as the teacher walked in. 

Carter was failing english badly. If he didn't show up to class everyday he probably would've had a better grade than now. He needed to raise it up to play football or his spot would be given to someone else who had better grades. If he let it go down one bit more, then his whole football journey was over. Now he didn't want that and his teacher had talked to him about getting a tutor. Now Carter knew that getting a tutor probably meant that he would get stuck with some dude that only cared about homework. That is why he groaned at the idea but if it was supposed to help him so he was supposed to say yes right.

As class ended Carter headed up to the teachers desk as you packed up your stuff. You noticed that they were talking so you decided to pack up a bit quicker to leave and give them privacy. But as soon as you were gonna walk out the door your teacher called you.

“Y/N could you come here for a second please.” you put a smile on your face and headed back inside. “Mr. Hart here is in desperate need of an english tutor and I would like you to help him.” Those were the last words both of you guys wanted your teacher to say. Both of you interrupted them with banter.

“Why me, there're so many people in the class.” you said.

“Yeah i don't think that is gonna work out.” Carter said. It was like he was reading your mind.

“Well that's the only solution and there will be no further discussion exchange numbers and start as soon as possible.” your teacher said and pushed you out of their classroom. Little did Carter know that you never had the guts to erase his number.

“Here plug in your phone and i'll text you when i'm free.” Carter said, handing you his phone. Glad to know that he didnt save your phone number. You were kind of hurt but it didn't really matter right. It's not like you were going to call him. 

“Look Y/N, i'm sorr--.” before he could end his sentence and go on giving an apology you stopped him because right now you didnt want Carter’s pity. “I'm just helping you pass, I'm not trying to reconcile.” you said as you headed to the last place you wanted to go, home.

Today was the day that you were going to have your first tutoring session with Carter. You weren't too thrilled to say the least. But anything to get you out of your house for a bit. It was after school and you headed to the library to wait for Carter. You sat down at the table and waited for Carter. You thought maybe he would arrive in twenty minutes but after forty minutes of waiting you were getting irritated. He didn't even have the audacity of sending you a text that he was gonna be late. After one hour of waiting you decided that he had wasted enough of your time and you decided to pack up. That's when Carter came rushing in.

“Oh gosh Y/N, i know i'm sorry for making you wait but Coach decided to have an emergency meeting, i'm so sorry. Im here now.” Carter said exasperated.

“You could've at least sent a text.” you suggested.

“Coach doesnt let us use our phones.” Carter said hopeful that maybe you would stay cause he really didn't want to mess this up on the first day. You decided that he seemed like he was being honest so you shrugged your backpack off and took out the textbooks. After the next two hours of him studying his butt off, you decided it was time to wrap it up.

“Same time tomorrow and don't be late.” you said walking out into the now dark sky.

The next day Carter asked you to meet him in a cafe. You weren't sure why but you decided that a nice warm drink didn't sound too bad. So you headed over there after school and set up everything. After everything was laid out you thought it was the perfect time to order a drink before Carter got there. You ordered your usual hot beverage and were about to pay when Carter came up from behind you and told the barista “Oh and one cappuccino, thanks” he said, handing her his card. “Thanks you didn't have to do that.” Y/N smiled shyly at Carter. Maybe tutoring him wasn't going to be too bad.

“No problem, now where did we leave off on yesterday?”Carter said, actually sounding like he was excited to learn. After both of you guys got your drinks, there was less studying involved and more talking. Carter started talking to you about football and you liked how his eyes lit up when he talked about the subject. About one hour of just talking you decided that it was time to get back to studying  before it got too late. Before leaving the cafe, Y/N pulled out her favorite book out of her backpack. “Here I thought you might enjoy this, it's one of my favorites.”

“Thanks, I'll let you know when I finish it. Carter said, grabbing the book from the girl and their hands slightly brushing. 

A few days later you were in bed ready to go to sleep when your phone started ringing. You thought it was probably a unknown number so you let it ring, but after four rings and no signs of hanging up you decided to pick up.

“Hello” you said, sleepiness evident in your voice.

“Did I wake you up, sorry, I just wanted to let you know that I finished the book.” Carter's giddy voice was heard on the other side of the phone. His voice though had no sleep evident in it whatsoever.

“Look Carter, I don't want to sound rude but why couldn't you just wait till tomorrow to tell me, it's 12am?’ you asked him questionaly. The truth one he couldn't sleep all night, thinking about how finally things with you guys could be fixed. And he just wanted to hear your voice. 

“It was a really good book and i had to tell you, i'll see you tomorrow then.” he said hanging up the phone knowing that it was a bad time to call you but glad that you picked up. He took it as a sign that maybe your friendship could be restored.

The next day you headed to school and stopped at your locker to drop some stuff off. When you were pulling stuff out of your backpack. Carter approached from behind you. “Heres your book back” Carter spoke up.

“Shit Carter, you scared me.” you said as your notebook fell to the ground. 

“Sorry, just wondering if we were gonna meet up later.” Carter cluelessly asked.

“Well yeah, that's basically the agreement.” Y/N stated, kind of annoyed because he knew that they were supposed to meet mostly everyday due to the teachers orders. 

She got to the cafe where she sat at the same table as last time. As she waited for Carter she took everything out . The bell above the door rang signaling the arrival of someone, and it was Carter. They exchanged their hellos and got to tutoring. After what seemed like forever of studying, Carter decided to bring up a question that seemed to be bothering him all day. “So do you have a problem tutoring me or what, cause let me just say i'm not the biggest fan of this either.”

“What do you think Carter, that I think this is a fun way to spend my time, tutoring you.” giving the word you a deeper meaning. Carter was confused on what she meant.

“You really don't remember, you pretended I didn't exist.” the girl said, feeling more vulnerable than ever. 

“ You are the one who's always mad at me, you stopped talking to me, freshman year.” Carter told her, saying it in a way saying it was her fault.

"Really, on the first day of school you didn't see me down the hallway and then turn the other way.”  Y/N said pleadingly. At this point it seemed that they were competing seeing who could say it in the most hurtful way possible. 

“I didn't know what to say.” Carter said looking down.

“ How about hey Y/N, how's it going?” she said spitting it out a bit more harshly than she meant to. She couldn't take this right now, so she packed up her bag and headed out the door. Carter didn't really process what was going on until the ding  above the door signaled that she really had left. 

When you got home you heard the sound of yelling, crying, and the shattering of glass. You decided that the best option right now was just to lock yourself in your room and with your thoughts. You went to sleep listening to music and the next day you got ready for school.

As you were at your locker Carter appeared again. He saw the way that you looked tired and drained and even though you weren't on the best terms decided to ask you how you felt. “Hey, you ok?” he asked concerned. 

“No offense but I really don't want to talk about my personal life with my ex best friend.” you looked at him and shrugged your shoulders. Carter understood so he wasn't mad about it. 

“No tutoring today right? I'll see you in a couple days then.” he said waving goodbye. Even though you didn't really appreciate tutoring Carter you didn't really want to go home so you were kind of bummed out that there wasn't tutoring today.

 Two days later there you were at the same table with the same stuff laid out in front of you. Again waiting for Carter. He walked in and took a seat. “Before we start I just wanted to make sure that you're ok.” he said, looking concerned.

A slight blush appeared on your cheeks because even though he asked you the same question two days ago he was still concerned. “Like I said before, I don't really want to talk to my ex best friend about this.”

“Well then don't think about me as your ex best friend, think about me as your therapist.” you laughed but when he didn't laugh back you knew that he was serious. “Oh you're being serious.

“Yeah I am, now tell me what's wrong.” he said, getting all serious but it didn't last long because both of you burst out laughing. You liked this, just being able to laugh with him again. Like everything was back to normal. But everything wasn’t back to normal and it probably wouldn't but in the end you were having a good time.

After that day you tutoring Carter had become less of a task and more of something that you enjoyed. It had become less stressful and you actually felt like you guys had a good chance of repairing your friendship. Maybe even having the possibility of bringing it back to how it was before. Now that's the way you felt, but you weren't sure how Carter felt. Maybe for him this was just tutoring.

Now Carter saw that maybe he was slowly breaking down your walls again. He was slowly seeing the person you were in middle school again. He liked that. But he thought that maybe you just thought that this was something you felt obligated to do and nothing else.

The next day at school Carter was talking to his friends against their lockers. You were walking towards your locker when you heard the topic of conversation. Now you weren't trying to be all up in their business and invade their privacy but it seemed like they were talking about you.

“Oh look it's your little girlfriend, you're not gonna say hi.” one of the cheerleaders said in a snarky voice. All his “friends”  around him laughed at the girl's comment. 

 Carter thought that maybe if he went along with it, they would stop. “She isn't my type anyways, you know that all she is to me is my tutor so I can pass English and still be on the football team.” 

After Carter said that you knew that you should've said no to tutoring him and just told the teacher that you were too busy. “Im so stupid, i should’ve let him fail so he could see what its like to lose something just how I lost my best friend” you told youself as you wiped a tear with your sweater sleeve.

Well now you could tell that it seemed Carter didn't feel the same about your friendship finally getting a bit better or becoming reconciled. But deep down Carter knew that everytime he saw you his face would light up and that he was slowly falling hard for you. Yet he couldn't let his friends know because he knew that if they did find out they would just tease you and he didn't want that because you didn't deserve it.

taglist: @hartsyhart (thanks for all the help kan), @patty-cake-nolan (thanks for helping me with the title), @mitch-slap (thanks for all the support always), @summerko8, @barrettshayton, @leafsxhockeywrxtes​, @segsation​, & @idkwhyimhere19​.

[remmiesaloser]

13 Years | 4 Weeks

honestly, I dont know which of the two have been longer in my life. 

so recently I ended a 13 year long relationship with the guy I've been dating since my freshman year of high school. it took me this long to understand, acknowledge, and accept the relationship was emotionally (and borderline physically) abusive and thanks two my two best friends and a very nice therapist I asked him to move out.

I thought the overwhelming life style change would be the hardest. I haven't been alone since I was 14 and it took me a long time to build up the courage to end things because I am terrified of change and had little to no idea what to do without him. to my surprise I've adapted to being alone pretty well. the loneliness does get to me sometimes - I miss those moments we had where we could have a conversation without speaking. I miss over a decade’s worth of inside jokes, and it still hurts when I see something and instantly think of him cause it was our thing.

its a daily struggle to remind myself why I did this because its frighteningly easy to minimize the damage he did when he’s not here to do it every day. the gaslighting and emotional manipulation isn't something that just switches off or diminishes with distance. somehow, in some super shitty, unfair way, it gets worse. because im left alone with my thoughts that he’s managed to turn against me and they’re still working angles for him that catch me off-guard sometimes. I still battle with guilt for making him move out, because I feel terrible that now he’s stuck living with his mom and all his things are in boxes. and I hate that it’s gonna take a long time for that to go away. 

but I digress. because all of that isn’t the hardest part. the hardest part is getting him the fuck out of this apartment. we 'ended things’ April 5th. there are quotes around that because we haven’t officially broken up. like, I told him I needed a break till he gets his shit together, and he’s all but moved out, but I haven’t even changed our relationship status on Facebook (yay, guilt!) and we haven't really agreed that we’re broken up. Jesus, again I digress. ANYWAYS. I knew it was gonna be a process to move him out because our lives are so intertwined that we’ve had to go through rooms and drawers and boxes one by one separating our shit. and this process has been fucking agonizing because he is dragging his goddamn feet. 

Initially I thought we were gonna bang this out in a weekend, get all the shit out and be done. A month later, and there’s still a pile of his shit at the top of the stairs, a handful of things in the corner of the living room (including the giant china cabinet filled with his things) and his grandmother’s dishes in my cupboards. but that’s a post for another day. because right now im just gonna vent about him taking his sweet ass time, being insanely petty, and still somehow fucking manipulating me when he doesn’t even live here anymore. 

honestly the pettiness and inconsideration for my own time and requests is the biggest thing that’s getting to me, what’s driving me to write this. most of the time he’s been here for his shit, his mom’s been with him, and I was chalking up a lot of the pettiness to her. because he’d be here to get the things from the living room, and hours after they'd left I’d notice small things had been taken from other parts of the house. now some of the stuff he’s taken was his, just something I was using with him that I’d assumed he’d at least mention he was taking. im a lot of things, but selfish isn’t one of them and honestly unless it’s something from my family or something that I bought that was expensive, I don’t care. he can have it. It’s more the fact that, when I need something all of a sudden I cant find it and realize he took it. 

like, his nana’s pots and pans. They’re a really nice set his mom let us have and I fully expected them gone. my only request was that he give me a heads up so I could go out and get my own set when he planned to take them because with them gone, all I’d have left is a few frying pans. This is our conversation from that weekend:  

This was Saturday afternoon. He never told me he wasn’t going to come by Saturday, and gave me a 15 minute heads up he was on his way over on Sunday - which did me no good because I wasn’t even home. That meant I couldn’t clean out the dressers (I didnt want to do it until the day he was going to get them because I would have to leave my clothes on the bed until I could get my own dresser from my parent’s house once his were gone). When I got home, all of my clothes were thrown on my bed and the ground.I had to rewash a bunch of shit, refold everything, and then clean the entire room from the mess that was made. 

fucking on top of that, his mom decided to take the pots and pans. I’d specifically asked him Saturday because I was going to Walmart and could have bought a new set for myself while there. I didn't want to buy them until I needed to because I’m trying to save money and didn’t get paid that weekend, so I figured if he’s not taking them I don’t need to get things until I get paid next weekend. Wrong. I had to go out that night again and get a set because, as I said, all I had were 3 frying pans and a skillet thing. Oddly enough, she didn’t take the dishes. They were her mom’s, just like the pots and pans, and for some reason she didn’t want them... don’t worry, I already plan to pack them up this weekend and give them back because lord knows what’ll happen if I dont and she decides she wants them six years from now. 

honestly though the biggest level of petty was the Tylenol PM. I know, it’s not a big deal. But it’s just one of those little things that I stopped and was like, are you fucking kidding me. I noticed that, after taking his bed and dressers, the pack of tissues he’d got us from Sam’s was gone. Again, he bought them, whatever. would’ve been nice for him to tell me so I had a heads up to fucking get them when I was at Walmart but whatever. he also took a 6-pack of toilet paper he’d gotten literally the day we ended things (because he’d gone to king Soopers with his mother instead of talking to me about the fight we’d had) and he’d initially told me to keep it, it was for me anyways. I noticed just last weekend it was gone. 

but the fucking Tylenol PM. I'm not one to buy brand name medicine. if I can get store brand, I will. Almost all my medicine is store brand except that Tylenol PM because I was really sick one year and wanted the good stuff. Y’all know how expensive Tylenol is. I sprang for it, and I used it sparingly because I didnt want to have to buy more if I didn’t really need it. Well, two weekends ago I fell down a fucking mountain. I was running a trail down a mountain, tripped, flew through the air, and landed on my shoulder and kneecap. It still hurts, and that day I was in a lot of pain. The regular Tylenol and Ibuprofen that I’d been switching back and forth with all day just wasn’t doing the trick and I was like, okay. this is a Tylenol PM kind of pain. That night, right before bed, I went to grab it from the bathroom cabinet. 

it was gone. the rest of my medicines, the store brand acetaminophen and store brand ibuprofen, those were still there, but the Tylenol PM was gone. It has exclusively only lived either on the dresser/nightstand in the bedroom, or the bathroom cabinet. as he took the dresser and nightstand, and it wasn’t in the cabinet, it had been taken. I cannot tell you how livid I was. it still pisses me off. because of all the things to take he took that. Not the rest of his bathroom shit, not even all his shit from the bedroom. but he took the Tylenol PM. I even asked if he knew where it might be - thinking he’d come across it at some point. he told me “it’s always been in the linen closet” where the rest of our medicines are. It was never there, but I checked the entire closet just in case - nothing. Again, I know it’s small. it’s just a bottle of pills. but it’s the whole damn thought behind it. 

there’s more things too - the fact that no, he doesn’t take all his things from a certain room, and I have to then box the rest of his shit up, move it out of my way, and clean the room that he trashed. 

It’s the fact that 90% of the things on our walls were his (which helps show me how little say I had on my own things in the apartment I exclusively pay for) and now that he’s taken them, he’s left the walls, hooks, and nails behind. most of them are up way above my head - he needed a ladder to put them in - and now they’re littered all over the wall. today, as he worked to get the shit from our front bedroom (hopefully the last things he’ll need to get) I asked him if he could also get the nails and hooks out of the wall because I can’t reach them. he asked me, “did you try using the step-ladder?”. I answered no, and he simply said, “that should work then”. Like, no. you put those up, so you could display all the things of yours YOU wanted to display (3 out of 4 walls in the room were covered with his things) and now he can’t even take the tacks down even though he took the hangings down. 

and then of course, it’s the fact that he just leaves a mess in his wake. when he first moved things out of the living room it was a mess. I spent hours rearranging shit, packing up the rest of his shit that he left behind, and then cleaning up everything because I still have to live here. it was the same with the bedroom. and now it’s gonna be the same thing with the front room. I told him today that everything needs to be out by next weekend because I can’t do this every weekend. He asked what I meant by ‘this’ and explained that I was tired of having to clean up everything that got messed up. He told me simply “it’s not being destroyed. I’m just taking my things”. At the moment the entire room was in shambles, everything askew from him digging his things out and leaving my stuff lying in piles. It’s cleaned up now - save the pile of boxes and junk at the top of the stairs - but I told him I have to clean up the mess that’s left behind. He didn’t have an answer for that. 

Honestly there’s really not a point to this. I’m just pissed, I’m annoyed, and I’m angry, and I’m sad. I’m just tired. And I wanted to vent. So if you stuck with me through this, I wanna thank you for listening. I appreciate being heard, because I haven’t been for so long. your time means a lot to me. 

[melonmork]

college jungwoo pt 1

alright my honeys are u ready??💕🌷🌸

~okay i dont feel like i know jungwoo as well as the other members since i havent known him as long but im gonna do my best!!

~jungwoo is in his sophomore year studying to be a veterinarian so hes always very busy since he's taking science-intensive classes

~he loves biology. it's easily his best class; he makes As on nearly every assignment and he focuses super hard during labs, but this also means he's almost always either in the campus library or cafe studying or writing lab reports

~his junior friend doyoung always has to drag him away from studying or writing because jungwoo will forget to eat, he'll only drink lattes or hot chocolate for an entire day

~jungwoo resists doyoung but he's always thankful once they're eating together and jungwoo has the chance to see his friends and relax. he's a workaholic, but he enjoys his friends' company immensely when they manage to drag him away from his textbooks

~you're also a sophomore! u know jungwoo because you had bio lab with him in freshman year and he was often your lab partner

~you honestly felt bad when he voluntarily partnered with you because you felt like you werent as good at bio as him. whenever he approached you first about partnering up, you felt like he did it out of pity. after all, he's a sweet boy and he even helped you on your calc homework after labs even though he wasnt in calc

~but you loved being partnered up with him :^) jungwoo would subtly take charge of the lab because he got super excited about being hands-on with the scientific material he was learning about

~he would quietly and patiently help you set up equipment, reaching beakers from high shelves for you without teasing you, lighting burners for you bc those things are scary as heck (jungwoo: is it okay if i do that? i dont want you to get hurt :-o)

~one time he even put your apron on for you and tied the strings behind you (after asking your permission, of course) and you could have sworn you saw a cute dusting of pink on his cheeks as he asked

~u have not forgotten anything about that moment,,,

~also, being his lab partner meant you got to see his cute smile up close!!! actually all year during labs you would glance his way constantly, admiring the soft features of his profile and the way his eyebrows would furrow and he'd purse his lips when he was super concentrated on a task

~sometimes, every now and again, he'd catch you watching him and the two of you would blush and look away and pretend like it never happened

~through the year you two became closer and you exchanged numbers and would send each other notes and ask about each other's lab reports

~eventually the texting ventured away from school and once he even invited you to get smoothies with him at the end of second semester

~but over the summer, you two fell out of touch :~( and this year you didnt have any classes together

~honestly, you missed him a lot. you have chem lab this year and your regular chem partner is sweet and helpful but not as,,, well,,, enchanting as jungwoo was, so you admittedly dont enjoy lab as much as last year

~in fact, u dont even really see him until one night when you're in the library printing out a two page essay you wrote (last minute) for literature

~you're waiting by the printer, wearing sweats, a hoodie, and teddy bear slippers, literally nodding off as you wait for this old printer to crank out those pages

~after a few seconds it starts humming loudly and you perk up, ready to snatch those pages and trudge back to your dorm so you can go the heck to sleep

~the printer spits out two pages and you go to grab them but ,...more pages keep coming out... and more and more and more and you're standing there in front of the printer like ????? what is going on????

~you dont see anyone else in the library and most of the computers are visible from where you're standing so you're thoroughly confused

~you wait for a bit longer as the printer finishes up and for a second you hesitate to grab papers that obviously arent yours but... maybe yours are in there? so you grab the stack and look at the name

~your heart skips a beat when you read the name on the paper.... "jungwoo?" you read aloud

~and you jump in surprise when you hear a small "hi" from behind you

~feeling your cheeks heat up, you sheepishly turn to face him, embarrassed to be seeing The Kim Jungwoo, the sweetheart angel boy who you havent seen in so long, while wearing sweats and a hoodie and slippers

~but it's okay cause sweetheart angel boy is also wearing sweats, a hoodie, and slippers..... and wow does jungwoo look exhausted :~( your embarrassment wanes as you get a good look at his softly smiling face

~he has exaggerated dark circles under his eyes and his skin isnt as clear as you remember it being last year, his hair looks like he's been running his hands through it all day, and his smile is a little bit less bright than it used to be

~but he still looks ethereal... his hoodie framing his wide shoulders so cutely, strands of his soft black hair falling haphazardly over his forehead and his pretty mouth forming that warm smile of his, framing his cute teeth and Oh My God your little crush on him has not gone away at all

~"jungwoo... how,, have you been?" you manage, heat rising to your cheeks again

~"ive been alright... sort of overwhelmed this semester!" he laughs softly and glances down at his feet, then looks back up at you, "but im okay. how are you?" he looks you in the eyes and smiles again and your stomach does a lil flip

~"im pretty good! i dont like my lab partner this year near as much as last year, though"

~it's quiet for a moment after u say that and u realize what u just said and u feel ur face burning up now because whY thE Heck did u just blurt that out oh no hes gonna be creeped out oh no

~but his smile widens and his entire face softens and he lets out a genuine little laugh

~"yeah, me neither. i... miss you" he says, hesitating a little and looking down at his feet again

~your heart warms up and ur stomach does that lil flip again and you smile and for a few seconds it's quiet and you finally say "me too." and then it's quiet again

~then u remember that you're still holding jungwoo's enormous stack of papers in your hands so you shuffle over to him and hand them over and he takes them, apologizing for making you hold them for so long and you laugh and tell him he didnt make you carry them

~and u stand in front of each other for another few seconds, awkwardly wondering whether to continue talking or to move along

~finally, jungwoo says he has to get going and that it was nice to see you and he flashes you a tired smile before making his way out of the library, laden with a huge bookbag and a textbook in his arms as well as all of his papers

~you watch him go, feeling a little bit sad that nothing more became of ur lil run in with jungwoo

~u print our ur essay and make ur way back to ur dorm, ur heart and eyelids both feeling a bit heavier than when you went to the library, despite having seen sweetheart angel boy again after so long

~the next morning you get breakfast with ur roommate and the head to literature and turn in your essay, trying not to think about jungwoo cause u dont want to fall back into that crush especially since u wont be seeing him again,,,

~u do a pretty good job of circumventing any lingering thoughts of (sweetheart angel boy) jungwoo from the night before

~that is, until 11:48 AM

~when you get a text

from: jungwoo 🐻

good morning!! I'm sorry I wasn't able to talk longer last night. are you busy sometime after 5 today? I'd love to catch up 😊

~u, in the cafeteria, mouth hanging open: Yes

~n then you realize that u probably should send that as a text ,,, so you quickly respond yes!!! i would love to!!! im free at 6

~and u put ur phone down and start eating but like ,, a minute later ur phone vibrates again

from: jungwoo 🐻

Yay!!! 😆 Let's get smoothies again! 🥤see you there at 6!

~u send him a confirmation text and then finish ur lunch while ur heart soars because wOw he actually does want to see you!!! wow!!! and this time u wont be wearing slippers!!!

~and u cant deny that u also get excited about the idea that jungwoo will also not be wearing pajamas or slippers ,,, u always liked jungwoo's style,,

~all day after that all u can think about is jungwoo's soft voice last night when he told you he misses you... it was so forward of him and it makes ur heart skip a beat even just thinking back on it... is he always so forward? you wonder

~around 5:50 you start walking to the smoothie place, feeling nervous but much less silly without ur teddy bear slippers

~jungwoo's exact thought at 5:50 while hes sitting at a table in the smoothie place waiting for u: their teddy bear slippers were so cute 😣

~once u arrive he gets up to greet u and u guys awkwardly say hi and stand in front of each other and then get in line to order smoothies

~u two are a little bit clumsy with your conversation at first, speaking at the same time and then laughing and telling the other to go first

~but eventually, once u two are sitting across from each other at a little table and sipping on ur smoothies, u have a steady conversation about school and sophomore year and your friends and new roommates

~the conversation dies down again after a while and u two sip on ur smoothies and u wonder what u could say to continue talking to jungwoo because you're having such a nice time and ur heart is so happy to hear his soft voice again... u hadnt realized how much u missed it until this evening

~but before you can think of anything to say, jungwoo rests his chin in his palms, his elbows propped up on the table and he looks at you, making eye contact and doing that soft smile of his

~u have to take a second to remember how to breathe

~after a moment of gazing at u he sighs

~"im so happy to see you again, i really have missed you" and he smiles, his cheeks getting a bit pink but otherwise not rlly seeming to be embarrassed or shy by what he said and youre a flustered mess !!!!

~u manage to not stutter when u say "me too, jungwoo" and he giggles at your shy expression that you're trying so hard to hide (hes dying inside because youre so freaking cute !!!)

~after u finish ur smoothies, he walks with you back to campus and as you guys are on your way back, you're stopped by doyoung who comes up to you guys with his mouth open wide and his eyebrows raised

~"jungwoo... i just went to the library to look for you and you weren't there so i went to the cafe and you weren't there either and it didnt even occur to me that you werent actually studying... are you... are you two-"

~jungwoo cuts him off with a little shake of his head and explains that u guys were lab partners and friends last year and were just catching up and hes on his way to the library now

~you're kinda confused by the whole exchange bc from what doyoung said, it seems like jungwoo is pretty much always studying and it's odd for him to have gone out and done something other than study in the evening

~and while that thought makes u feel bad for him, u also feel pleased that he chose to spend time with you instead of studying :'~)

~doyoung leaves after a few minutes of him n jungwoo laughing abt something that their friend taeil did earlier that day

~doyoung and jungwoo hug and hold each other's hands until their fingertips are touching, then let their hands fall to their sides again as they say goodnight to each other and you're watching and smiling fondly cause jungwoo is so loving to his friend and it makes your heart swell

~jungwoo turns to u and smiles sheepishly, letting out a little laugh and apologizing for making you wait on him

~you shake your head and tell him you're happy to have met his friend!!

~and his eyes light up and his face brightens into a beaming smile and he tells you that he's so happy that you met doyoung, too

~he walks you back to your dorm building and u two say goodbye and u start to go up the steps when jungwoo calls for you again

~you turn around to see him at the bottom of the steps, smiling up at u and looking a little bit shy but So Handsome (ur heart? mush)

~u walk back down the steps to see him and you're standing on the step in front of him so you're pretty much the same height now and his face is kinda close to urs and both of u have an entire butterfly garden break dancing to dubstep in ur tummies tbh

~"yes?" you ask him, smiling and trying to hide ur nervousness because of the proximity

~"i just wanted to say that i had a lovely time tonight and i want to see you again soon"

~omg sweetheart angel boy makes your heart do acrobatics with his soft sunrise voice and his pretty dark brown eyes looking into your own and the cute shape of his cheeks as he smiles at you

~"let's get dinner this friday?" he continues, his eyes widening a little bit in a hopeful way, his smile widening too

~and you cant help but smile so big, u have to look down at your feet for a second just to regain any semblance of composure u might have had before

~after a second you look up and nod and hold your pinkie out to him

~"pinkie promise" you tell him, and he smiles Even Wider and links his pinkie with yours and touches his thumb to your own and you two stand there like that for a little bit longer than necessary

~finally u both let go and say goodbye for real this time and u walk up the steps to your dorm but u feel like you're floating cause woW sweetheart angel boy kim jungwoo is going to take you out for dinner in three days... friday is in three days...

~both u and jungwoo spend the entire three days in anticipation and almost middle-school-like-giddness because !!!! this is kind of a date right???? like neither of u said it but it's kind of a date????

~doyoung certainly says so and he's been telling all of his and jungwoo's mutual friends

~doyoung: yukhei, guess what? jungwoo has a cute date this friday

~yukhei, in the library, at a table with jungwoo and doyoung: ooooHOhOhoHHOHOHO jungwoo has a DATE!!! get it!!!!!!!!!

~jungwoo, probably: im leaving

~when thursday night rolls around, you're sitting on your bed, typing something up on your laptop and probably watching youtube tbh and your phone dings :^)

from: jungwoo 🐻

I'm excited to see you tomorrow. I'll meet you at the bottom of your stairs at 7 tomorrow night, is that okay?

~you probably forget to respond for like 15 minutes cause u take a screenshot of the text and send it to ur best friend and yell about how nervous and excited you are and when u finally respond, you tell him you're looking forward to it! and you ask him what you should wear

~a few minutes later, you get a response...

[amma-af]

mid-life crisis fast approaching lmao.

bruh moesha made 30 seem hella old. im freaking 29, im definitely not old.

do all 30 year olds feel this? is this fucking cliche? is this what being a millenial feels like?

freaking. andell seems like she should be at least 45 shes had a business forever, she looks oldish, hella independent with ehr own moneey, yeah she keeps getting played by her lover but the d is probably great and she doesn’t need “love” bc she’s not dependent on it for basic necessities. but she needs love so she has hope. she’s woke but understanding when someone who doesn’t understand yet. she supports the kids but says it like it is. i can def see some bits of myself in her but bruh, at least 35? bc im 29 and 1 im not as independent, and 2, im def not as old.

but i also kind of get how shes a 30 year old but do 30 year olds get the respect of older people? does andell get respect from older people? idk man tv makes teens look like 20-something and 30 eyar olds look like my mom. dee hangs with andell, she’s def not 30. but then again we hang with older people, no?

are 30 year olds friends-ish with teens and like older folks all at once a millenial thing? i mean i def have older friends bc of work, and hang with my siblings who are a generation older and as a teacher i talk to kids who are teens but i wouldn’t be friends with them? unless you consider my nieces and nephews, and some much younger coworkers.

but if im “superior” to them in some way im basically a mentor and ugh. maybe andell is 30.

that same moesha episode has gotten me thinking about highschool. and what a fucking shitfest it was. i mean, why the hell was i so pressed instead of just being a fucking kid? like, i def ended up where i wanted to and realized it sucked even more (college), esp the way i did it initially, but once i got over the fucking ivory tower and american dream bc i reallized it was never made to include me to a certain extent (the whole identity crisis over foreclosure of identity from the every day--being unwanted by the same thing interpellating its allegiance to you, how all that crap felt of being a --insert almost every pressed identity grouping here-- at a fucking --insert ever agrandized fucking included, repressive identity force here--insitution. high school wasn’t bougie enough i think. like everyone was like closer to the ground class wise so maybe it didnt feel like a big enough ocean yet. a friend told me post highschool or maybe at graduation that im going to be the big fish in the little pond trying to swim in the ocean or some quote like that. fucking i was, if not socially which i honestly didnt even try and fucking got ostracized from anyway, def on top academically and fucking TEACHERS were trying to push me down but like i still got to exactly where i wanted to go. and i fucking had a wonderful time there. got kicked out but became a whole ass human being who found so many homes with people and so many loving arms and caring friends and fucking insane moments and memories and fucking became who i am today--a fucking cool as andell like adult with a full and complete social life if not financial or career life like im ok dude. ive accomplished enough even if capitalist might make me feel like i havent accomplished anything. much like the racist ass teachers made me feel and the racist ass kids made me feel about being smart in a fucking shitfest and where the other brown kids were just in competition with me. i had no friends. i lie, i had a few. and i had the respect of a few. and i guess that makes like maybe a dozen people--hold on let me count, i think 9 people, that im cool with from high school, 3 who are close to me, 1 who fucking hates me post-college life and would try to talk shit or ruin me maybe but i miss her and we were fucking close at some point. and then a bunch of people who probably dont give a shit no longer bc we’re all adults who need to move on with our lives. i hope theyre not petty and hate me just bc of high school.

i wonder if any respect me now lol. aside from those i know, do any of them like feel bad kind of for not being a better person to me? maybe i was a bitch too though. but thats only bc i was lowkey power hungry and just wanted to get into fucking the college of my dreams and had been fed that academic success led to fianncial success and overall joy de vivre  or however oyu fucking spell it.

id still be down to be friends with whoever wants but dont have the time or energy to deal with the pettiness. i think this year was supposed to be our 10 yr reunion and idk if theyll do it bc of covid or not but fucking would i even wanna go? im still so traumatized from it idk if id wanna be judged that hard again.

fucking, i wish i was chiller back then. had realized i could be creative and look good and be more confident if i wanted to. but i guess i wouldnt be who i am had that shit not happened but i also suffer from extreme anxiety adn depression now so like maybe, people could ease up on the judgement and hatred and constant barriers and shit talking and like, lowkey bullying down a notch. these white and white washed brown kids had me fucked up.

i wish i had just like, been able to chill and be accepted a little more. but i wish the people who were chill with me couldve been more  comfortable or confident in being who they were. 

i remember ending freshman year, confident that i would have friends at the end of high school sitting between the coolest and queerest two people i could imagine showing off my hot pink ipod 3G or whatever. and then hanging out in the city with a few people on the last day. i dont even remember what we did. maybe olive garden in times square? it was def times square. the big toys r us in the city with the dance dance revolution. who the fuck were the people with us? was that even freshman year or is that a memory from some other time? i dotn fucking remember much of the good times in high school anymore. more shitty times.

but fucking, if people had been loyal would i have been a diff person? def s j and j and then later n but w during the first year and d all hugn out with me in college. and made freshman year bareable and some sitll continue to make life bareable and for me to feel loved in this day adn age adn i know the freindshipsare genuine now but i wonder if id have more people from high school as my friends just bc i fucking get attached to people bc of the whole empathy thing and like we knew eachother for good chunks of our lives, we should keep up with eachother and make sure we’re ok. but also like, did we even show care back then?

i wish id lived the teen life a little more though. like my husband did. like so many of my more normal than me feeling friends did but i wonder how many of my college friends actually liked their high school years lmao.

fucking. whatever. i probably wouldnt go to the reunion if it happened tho, fucking miss me with that shit.

andell is cool. she didnt get mad at moesha for missing her party since hs ehad a great time on her birthday thanks to her, and instead was proud that she put out a good newspaper. im def like, maybe if aliha missed my party id be happy and proud of her for her acocmplioshed but id still be pouty adn idk if that makes me much younger tahn andell or if thats just the whiny cancer gemini in me.

omg we need andells chart to udnerstand if she’s actually 30 lmao and just mature for her own age or if that show is trippig about depicting her as 30 bc shes def oldr. wonder how old the actress was.

thats an easy google fix but im just gonna keep watching and pondering lmao.

man there were some teachers at that fucking school who did not wanna see me succeed in life. and to have your advisor be that teacher really fucks with you. what a fucking bitch i think she hated me. the other people im friends with loved her tho but i think she was really just a racist. she pushed me hard but made things harder for me for no reason. thank god i got out of there in one piece, and with some confidence left in me. 

i need to go to therapy again fuck. 

[changelingbaby]

Yellow and blue 💛💙

ahhhhhh yay!!!!!!!!!!! thank you so much i love answering asks like this

yellow first!

if you could have any view from your bedroom window what would you choose? 

i want to preface this question by saying im not indecisive, i just like a lot of things ! so ! i’d really like to live on the beach (livin the norcal life - our beaches are freezing and the ocean is grey and fantastic) and if i got to wake up every morning to see those stormy clouds and white horses every day, i’d probably just cry all the time. but I also want to live in san francisco and have a view of a busy street every morning and night, that would be incredible. and i’d also like to live on a moor with thistle and lavender right outside my door. i think they’re super spooky but in a comfortable way and I just really want to live in one.

what’s your favorite thing to do on a sunny day?

stay inside,,,, lmao i love rainy days, but on sunny days- well if it’s really hot im going swimming all day good luck talking to me i’ll be underwater, but if it’s moderate to cool (and windy!) i like having private picnics and drawing/writing/doing other such productive activities on this hill in a park by my neighborhood

what do you consider lucky? 

blue m&ms (esp. if they’re the first m&m to come out of a pack), inside out socks, buttons found on the ground, sea glass, ladybugs, and cool rocks/pebbles

what made you smile today? 

this ask!!! also i had a really fun movie night last night that was cool. + i had pancakes. and im gonna go study with my best friend later

what makes you happy?

my friends, my dog, girls, the color blue, pretty films, good characterization in any media, musicals, flowers that don’t make me sneeze - esp. daffodils, the color yellow (coincidentally my favorite colors are the two you picked!! good colors), cool jean jackets and leather jackets and patches and cool fashion in jacket (im! a! hipster!), when people do things from the heart, when people offer me help and i don’t have to ask (im too proud it’s pathetic), llamas, socks, cats, all dogs not just mine whoops, probably way too many things to write down?, art, music, turning a casual hangout with someone into something big and exciting, adventures (doesn’t matter what kind), hiking, halloween, the rain, winter and autumn, but also spring and summer when im not having allergic fits, singing, writing and reading, getting recognition for a job genuinely well done, my english teacher from last year (those last two are connected- she was super harsh and tough but she was very loving and kind and made me a much better writer... and probably a better person... and well she deserves an entire post just to herself!! i love her!!!!!!)

blue!!

what do you do when you’re sad? 

not to be emo but... i mean when im feeling Depression Sad (thanks, vitamin D3 deficiency) i stare at the wall for hours and wallow...... but when i feel Normal Sad i listen to music and vent write, that sort of thing... either way when im ready to feel better i try to clean and just. be productive. it’s probably the best thing for me haha

what are some things you do when you can’t sleep? 

clean. i clean a lot. how come my room is always messy i feel like im constantly cleaning oh my god. and again i listen to music usually death cab for cutie’s album transatlanticism because it’s just music to sleep to. sometimes i try to see if i can sneak out of my house without my mom noticing (i can’t) (and i wouldn’t anyway im a scaredy-cat)

what was the best (non-romantic) night you’ve had? 

im bad at ranking things?? like last night was great my friend sof was over and we watched three movies and joked around a ton and made fantastic sundaes, but also homecoming was really nice (the dance itself was horrible i wanted to die but we went to in n out before and that was really fun lmao, and then after we went to our friend zoe’s house and talked for an hour and that was also really fun) and like. any night that im hanging out with my real friends and having conversations about The Important Stuff... and you know i just had one over spring break with zoe again where she and sof and i and her neighbor played hide and seek. and every night at 4H camp. and idk i also have a horrible memory so im forgetting a ton. OH when my friend sarah and i had a harry potter marathon!! that was several nights but it still counts because each night was great. and my choir’s trip to hawaii when i actually liked singing in choir for once, every night was cool there. p much all of those. + the time sarah and her sister kidnapped me to look at this house’s hella cool christmas lights

i think my best nights come from when im in a situation that i dont like but then i leave it and hang out with people who make it better (ie homecoming, the last night of the harry potter marathon - it was after our water polo team’s bonding party and the party was SUPER awkward for me,,,,,,, and then sarah and I and our freshman friend aspen came to our house and chilled. idk it was fun)

what kind of covers do you have on your bed? 

this is SUCH a weird ask. i’ve got these pottery barn kids style covers? they’ve got these very bright zigzags on them and it totally matches the rest of my room and i love them. this is probably my favorite question oh my god

who is the last person you told a secret to?

i,,,, don’t have secrets anymore,,,, i overshare all the time (can you tell from this ten-page answer) so :? idk . but instead have a funny story- i’ve got a running joke that im in love with this first tenor in my choir. he’s two years older than me and i love him because he’s a total dork and he tries to act cool but i don’t have a crush on him,, but basically everyone thinks i do. like. all of choir knows about it at this point, most of the senior class.... BESIDES HIM. everyone knows but him. it’s a good premise for a sitcom, i’d say.

thanks for asking these !!!!!!!!

[rootivy-archive]

here is my story I couldn’t post a link because the account I made it on was my school account and y’know

                                          An Octive.

Octive Come quick! What happened?! Said Octive in a concerned tone JUST COME! Octive get’s up and follows her sister. Who is that? She whispered “she has to be playing a prank on me!” I don’t know. Should we leave the house? I DON’T KNOW “YOU DON’T KNOW ANYTHING MY GOD” Whispered Octive SHUT UP Said her sister We don’t have time to fight! For God’s sake there's some creep sitting on our couch and we have NO CLUE who it is! We just got to get out of here, Ok? Ok

                        Chapter 1 Shadow

Let’s go. They heard footsteps. What’s that sound? Oh crap LET’S GO! They run away Meanwhile on the other side of the house.. Annie! Octive! Were home! They turn to look at the couch. They see a shadow for a split second.. But then it disappeared Annie is that you? OCTIVE! ANNIE! Back to Octive and Annie HURRY UP! Let’s go! That thing probably heard us! They hear a quiet chanting of their names “Octive! Annie!” OH MY CRAP THEY KNOW OUR NAMES GO GO GO! They open the door and run out to the tree they always sat at when they were kids. They saw their Mom Pacing outside holding her phone. Annie. Octive said while poking her, Trying to get her attention What? Annie Said Look it’s mom! She looks scared I think they think we got kidnapped Said Octive in a concerned tone Where? I can’t see I forgot my glasses in the house

She’s next to the front door pacing. Oh we should tell her then said Annie

She is holding her phone too, With that added we should really tell her! What if she calls 911! Said Octive sounding paranoid Wait what if it’s a trick?! What if the figure is trying to trick us into thinking it’s our mom but it’s the figure! Said Annie what’s the chance that it’s the “figure” To be honest I just think our eyes were playing tricks on us. It happens alot to Bethany

Who? Said Annie My best friend?.. You seriously don’t know who she is. No clue She comes to our house every other friday To work on homework Octive said while waving her hands. “Homework” Annie said While holding up air quotes Shut up we do do homework! Said Octive.. Sometimes She murmured Back to the parents What should we do Mary? Should we call 911? No I will text her one more time and if she doesn’t respond then we will call the police. Ok? Ok they're your kids. They will be your kids soon too

They walk inside the house Back to Annie and Octive *Beep beep* who is it Octive? Its mom! Reply reply! To Mom: Hey sorry me and Annie are just hanging out at the South tree sorry if we scared you! SEND There I sended it! Said Octive Okay good! Said Annie Happily *Beep Beep* Who is it now?! Its mom again Said Octive Oh ok From Mom: Send me a voice message NOW! Octive sends a voice message Saying: MOM I’m okay I promise! Go check the South tree If you want to know so bad!

         Chapter 2 Just a normal day

Should we head back? Asked Annie I don’t know should we? Replied Octive Let’s go They walk back to their house. GIRLS! Their Mom comes running

and gives them a hug. Mom! Stop Octive said in a muffled voice I’m hungry did you make food? Said Annie while squeezing out of her mom’s arms Annie runs to the fridge No annie I’m still making food Said Geo

QUICK EXPLANATION

Annie and Octive’s mom Mary was married to their dad but they ended up getting a divorce because they were “drifting apart” A few years later Mary came out as being lesbian now she’s in a serious relationship with a woman named Geo.

I’ll go make it now hun Said Geo while walking to the kitchen Girls you should go and change into your your pajamas you guys got your first day of school tomorrow. And Octive’s first day of highschool! Said Mary UGH I really don’t want to go! Yelled Octive. It’s not that bad Octive. Says you. You’re the smartest person I know you finish an essay in an hour! LIKE HOW Octive said in a jealous tone Oh stop you’re making me blush Octive rolls her eyes I’m gonna go change she says Did you even signup for your classes Octive Annie yells trying to get her attention CRAP MOM WHAT DO I DO! HAHAHA Annie laughed. I signed you up yesterday don’t worry Said Mary Oh ok good She said while walking to her room be right back. Back In the kitchen It’s done! Bye girls! I got to go work. Love you and don’t go to sleep to late! Ok! Bye mom LOVE YOU TOO! Octive yelled from her room Bye said Annie while texting her.. Crush Cian Ooo How ya texting! Murmured Octive after she ran from her room. No one just Adelyn Annie Murmured in response ah okay.. Girls come eat, spaghetti is done Mmm! okay Geo. In a sec said Annie Is this a boy you’re talking to Geo taunted GEO yelled Annie haha! Geo laughed so it is! IT’S NOT A BOY OKAY! She said while running to her room OH, IM SORRY I-I JUST UH I’M SORRY yelled Geo It’s okay Geo don’t worry Annie gets dramatic at times Said Octive While chewing her Spaghetti Oh okay because I’m still new to this “mom” thing I don’t know what to do.. Oh god why am I talking about this to you Said Geo No no it's okay I can listen to you vent all day I don’t care! As long as you’re happy. Aw shucks said Geo happily Well I’m gonna go to sleep you should to you got a big day tomorrow said Geo while yawning You’re right goodnight

                          Chapter 3 First

Goodnight! you hear in the background Haha looks like Annie forgives me yeah haha Octive said while laughing again goodnight. nighty night Octive walks over to her room She tucks herself in and the words “Tomorrow’s a big day” and “AnNie YoU’RE SO SmArT YoU CaN WRite aN eSSAy iN oNLY An HoUr” In her head she falls asleep in a panic

The next day She wakes up and thinks OH MY   GOD  FIRST   DAY   OF HIGHSCHOOL   NO  NO  NO!   HOMEWORK ,   OH MY   GOD   OH MY   GOD AHHHH NO NO NO Annie walks in the room are you okay? You look like you just got hit with a car.. HELLO Said Annie Oh sorry I-i zoned o- Annie interrupted and Taunted Aw someone scared for her first day of highschool?! SHUT UP Octive screamed. Geez I’m gonna go brush my teeth O-ok replied Octive She changes into some tights and a messy polka dotted shirt And brushed her teeth Octive Come eat I made you some Ceraffles! Announced Mary

QUICK EXPLANATION

Ceraffles is waffles with cereal in it (it's their family recipe)

MMmm Ceraffles Octive thinks before yelling OKAY! COMING! Octive runs to the kitchen and says “YOU BETTER NOT HAVE ATE ALL OF THE CERAFFLES! SERIOUSLY said Octive haha laughed Annie Quickly eat the ceraffles you woke up late OH MY CRAP I DID! Aye! No swearing! Yelled Mary Sorry I-i just can’t be late, Sorry! She runs out MOM ANNIE HURRY UP! Bye Gea! I’ll be back soon! Yelled Mary Come on! Octive said while yelling at Her mom

Mary walks out of the house, And gets into the car.. 15 minutes later BYE MOM! Bye hun! Bye Annie Bye Octive! Octive Stumbles and falls her books fall on the floor CRAP! She thinks and closes her eyes UGH! She murmured Cian comes up to her and helps her pick up her books Hello you must be new to this school Haha Annie looks at Octive “WHAT THE SHIT WHY IS SHE TALKING TO CIAN! WHAT DO I DO!... NOW I'M PANICKING WHAT IF HE LIKES HER!” Annie runs off to her locker panicking back to Octive Haha yeah I’m new is it that obvious! She says while half laughing He smiled No not really you just have that freshman look on your face, Nervous, In a hurry and you dropped your books Said Cian smiling he picks up her books Here don’t fall again Oh by the way I never told you my name I’m Cian He brings out his hand and waits for a handshake Octive Shaked his hand I’m Octive Unique name I like it haha Yeah my parents really wanted a “Unique” kid *DING* That’s the bell gotta go! He smiles and checks her out “oh my god” She thinks while walking to her first class “what the heck is this paper was on my hand” She reads it “Cian: 204-559-221” OH MY GOD She reaches into her bag to grab her phone and types into her notes “2o4-599-221 Cians phone #” And she walks to her first class, Art Hello Class! I see we got new students “NEWBIES” a student yells from the back of the class SHH said Mrs.Chara Today we're going to be sketching each other you all have one other person at your desk so you are going to be doing two sketches of them. One of their face and one full body sketch. OK? Everyone understand? The class all mumbles “Yes” Hey Said Octive so.. I’m drawing your face and body.. Said Octive Awkwardly Yeah I guess Said Caden uh.. Well can I get a picture of you so I can work on this at home please? Sure.. Ok. Octive takes out her phone Caden Poses and smiles *snap!* There I got it aw one more It’s blurry he makes a funny face. HAHA Octive Laughs the other one wasn’t actually blurry was it? Said Caden Half laughing No it wasn’t they both laugh hey here's my number call me if you need a new photo He smiles and hands over a paper saying his number Thanks Said Octive they start sketching 1 hour later *DING* Okay class stop your sketches and it's homework so work on it later today kay said everyone in the class she walks over to the cafeteria and sits down

            Chapter 4 Boys

“I have to text Cian I can’t wait” She takes out her phone To Cian: Hello! It’s Octive - “There That wasn’t that bad right.. Right” He texts back From Cian: Oh hey I see you figured out my trick, The handshake number switch haha Haha Yeah that's a cute trick She texted back Annie comes and sits next to Octive hey! Said Annie who are you texting? it's nobody Oh really tell me It’s nobody okay Annie?! Octive yelled Oh okay i'm sorry Annie replied Well I got to go bye.. Annie walks away  “She totally likes Cian I saw that it said Cian, And Cian obviously likes her! He gave her his phone number I had to ask his brother for his number!” She thinks while walking away Back to Octive Why was she so curious to know who i’m texting like geez she said to Bethany Well maybe she knows who you’re texting and she is testing you.. Like maybe she likes Cian Said Bethany in response don’t think she likes Cian I think she likes Kyle said Octive Who? Kyle is our next door neighbor Said Octive Oh *DING DING* Is it your boyfriend! Bethany Taunted He isn’t my boyfriend.. Let me check who it is Said Octive From: Cian It's from Cian OoOOoo From: Cian Aw you think I’m cute haha “Shit what do I text” She thought Before saying This is what you texted me she shows Bethany the text What do I do?! I don’t know something cute and sneaky Said Bethany Kay To Cian: Maybe! :3 She texted That's just embarrassing She said while watching her over her shoulder Wow! Beth you’ve had way more relationships than me and you’re the same age as me! She said angrily Hun If you think 1 boyfriend and 1 girlfriend is alot I swear.. All I know is that “maybe! :3” Isn’t scandalous at all; You could have at least put … instead of an exclamation mark What ever I’m an actual fetus got to go She says while picking up her stuff and walking away Bye! Yelled Bethany Hey Bethany Said Henry Hi?.. I’ve been in your glass since grade the middle of grade 7.. He Said Doesn’t ring a belle Are you serious?! Nevermind I got to go.. He walks away thinking “Knew she wouldn’t like me back” He frowns Back To Octive Got a spare block, I’m going to study She thought While walking over to the library