#and most importantly it's about the being able to communicate with almost no words bc you already know what the other thinks bc you

[leirsulien-archive]

the adexis brainrot has been so so bad since i replayed the lt i want to rip something apart with my teeth

[iotona]

Love

Hey again, I wrote something! And don’t ask why I keep coming up with ideas that include pets bc idk either. It’s Arthur x reader, 1500+ words, and fluff/romance? You won’t cry that’s all I know, I think? Thanks for giving it a look!

Love; a word that Arthur had almost forgotten. A one syllable sound that warmed the hearts of many and for others, indescribable pain. Long were the nights Arthur spent at the pub, downing as much alcohol as his body would allow, and entertaining any pretty skirt that so much as flashed him a darling smile. If he wasn’t out on the streets, then he would recluse to his room at the mansion living off of only bitter coffee and the sting in his back that reminded him of all the guilt and shame he carried over the years.

Recently, Arthur tossed in bed for entirely different reasons, obsessing over the tingling in his belly every time he thought of you. When you walked through the door, love came with. It certainly didn’t make itself prevalent right away, oh no. He didn’t feel it when he had the privilege of meeting you, and he surely didn’t see it when he tried to scare you off. But a slow burning feeling that first took his heart by surprise when you had flashed him a smile. It was a small grin like any other pretty lady he took to bed, why would this be any different? Maybe it was the context of his joke, maybe it was the dim lighting of the mansion at night, or the smell of the food you made just for him after his days of writing in solitude. Arthur couldn’t put his finger on why his chest suddenly felt lukewarm and his stomach tingled, nor did he really try, but soon found himself finding love everywhere he went. 

Affection oozed out of every cup of coffee you brought him, seeped into the smell of his clothes that you left folded on his bed, and blinded him with every outburst of laughter you blessed him after each cheeky jest. Time spent in his room became less with each day, the dark demons of his past quickly suppressing under the weight of his newfound feelings. Chasing this high, Arthur spent endless nights awake in bed rethinking every interaction between you two. He often planned his days to conveniently intercept yours and you gladly obliged to have his company. And when you agreed to be his little assistant in your free time, ohh did his heart do a million flips. 

Arthur’s interest in you soon became adoration. Reverence ruled his thoughts when he watched you work. Your intelligence to solve puzzles, your empathy to communicate and relate, your drive, persistence, your intuition to know what was fishy and what was not impressed him. With all his playfulness, some days Arthur wasn’t sure he’d get through a case without your point of view, but he’d never tell you that. In fact, the one instance you made a small comment about the look of frustration on his brow, he fixed himself with a handsome smile and teased about something or another to deter your focus.

Eventually, your own fondness began to show. Small blushes at Arthur’s praises and nicknames. The way you leaned into even the smallest of touches. How you went out of your way to ensure Arthur had hot coffee and a fresh snack while he wrote. Lending an ear to his stories and giving ample feedback. 

Arthur was positive this couldn’t last forever, nothing good and pure ever does. So when the darkness latched onto his legs and held him there, he was sure you wouldn’t come calling, even as it enveloped him once again. He no longer made an effort to leave his room, to eat, to drink, to socialize, or to find you, the precious woman from the future. He was confident that was it, you’d return to through the door soon and he would continue the torturous life he was meant to endure. 

Little did the sad man sitting on his overly worn writing chair realize how stubborn you actually were. He had underestimated you, entirely, until the day you came knocking his door down. It was sudden, he didn’t have an ounce of mental energy to understand the earful you were giving him over his astonishment. Something about how cold his coffee must be, and how he couldn’t possibly feel any better in a room so dark. You threw open his curtains and glared at him with a look that had him ashamed and shaking in his Oxford’s simultaneously. And very much like a lost puppy, Arthur agreed to accompany you to the town for bread, something so simple yet so domestic. You swore his wide bewildered eyes never left you that day and ever since then you constantly use that ammunition to your own device.

Then you did something so beyond his comprehension that even now, as he sits in the parlor of the mansion playing a game of chess with Theo, his mind keeps wandering to the night before instead of the bet that lay before him. Like many times before you had accompanied Arthur and Theo to the pub. The night was full of laughs and jokes, drinks to go around, as was per usual. You thought your heart would explode when Arthur suggested a dance and without waiting for your response, tugging on your hand. The music was upbeat, jovial and one too many spins mixed with liquor had you melting into his form when he pulled you close for a slow careen back and forth. You thought, in your inebriated state, how your legs would have probably given out if it wasn’t for Arthur’s hold on your waist and the other holding your hand close to his heart. Buzzing with not only drink but by how captivated you were with the man standing in front of you, you giggled and babbled about how his nose tickled you from brushing so close to your ear. You were so tipsy that when Arthur looked at you with a faint blush and the intent to apologize that you rose to your tip toes and pulled on the lapels of his jacket into a sweet kiss. A kiss that didn’t last long, but enough to deepen the red on his cheeks when you finally pulled away. The rest of the night muddled together, and you hadn’t seen each other since retiring to bed for the night. 

Arthur wasn’t afraid of what lay before him now, but his anxiety was evident by the way he bounced his leg up and down during the match, eyebrows furrowed in thought, and eyes boring into the table. Theo thought maybe it was due to the way he was severely losing this game, but when did Arthur ever lose? That itself was incredibly strange, but Theo being the man to not pry did not ask. And thus they continued moving the pieces until Arthur’s inevitable loss. 

Again the tiny statues were placed on small white and black squares, to their start. A pawn here, a knight there, Arthur’s gaze was caught by the flash of a bright green skirt out the nearby window. Abruptly standing up, he was completely enamored by the sight before him. Fresh, white, sparkling snow lazily fluttered through the air, remnants of this morning’s storm, adorning every surface outside. The serene and peaceful scene contrasted the way you were running through the mansion’s lower cut bushes and abruptly crouching behind one. If it wasn’t for the spirited look in your face as you peaked around the corner he would’ve thought you were in danger. But who exactly were you running from? Arthur received his answer when two furry four legged dogs came barreling around one side of the building and stopping to smell the air. 

Vic was the first to get a scent, and most importantly following your footsteps in the snow. You realized your failure in not being able to cover your tracks and slowly crouched behind another layer of bushes in hopes to throw off the pooch. The crunch of your boots over the fresh snow alerted the bi-colored dog, his small legs immediately running in the direction of the noise, tongue out and ears flapping in joy of the game, just like a certain owner. In an attempt to flee you stood to try and run back, only to find a yellow haired lab blocking your path, foiling your plans. Accepting defeat as both animals ran towards you in glee, you dropped to your knees to deliver many pets and kisses. Little did you know the amount of force King accumulated running towards you, he tried to stop but slipping across the fresh snow until his body collided with yours. If you had learned anything from Isaac’s Laws of Physics it was that a large dog using you as a cement block was not going to end well. You both tumbled into the white fluff, each dog wasting no time in pressing their little wet noses onto your face and neck. The sniffling and small licks had you elated, tickling your sensitive skin, and filling the air with your loud shrieks and giggles. 

“Oi, are you going to take your turn?” A particularly annoyed voice sounded from behind Arthur, to which he could only hum in response, give a smooth smile, and hustle out the door to you. 

Arthur knew then that any trace of doubt slowly dissolved. He was utterly, completely, and wholly infatuated with you. Every fiber, every bone, every time his heart beat, it was all vibrating with yearning for you. He finally knew and understood the meaning of love. All from you.

If you made it this far, thank you! Feedback is always welcome. :)

tagging: @kisara-16 (thank you for proof reading <3), @nad-zeta

[houseki-no-suffering]

Pssst.... gush about some thing you’ve wanted to for so long but haven’t found the ask to do so! I really like reading your metas or off-the-wall posts.

aw ty!

mmmh usually i just crank out a random meta when i feel like it, which i havent had the energy to do in a while. so have a lot of hcs about gem language, gem society and how it resembles a totalitarian system cause why not, this is already a dystopia. 

goes from cute to shady real quick, have fun

Gem Vocabulary

gems have no gender, they dont age, they dont reproduce. the whole vocabulary about relationships, aging and sex must be completely different in gem language. they probably lack a lot of words we commonly use, and have unique words for things we dont have (like winter duty, patrol duty... i wouldnt be surprised if gem language had unique grammatical features for those)

this is one of the reasons why its so unfair of aechmea to call cairn ‘wife’ and ‘princess.’ the gems have no concept of wife-ness, we dont know if a gem equivalent of marriage exists, but its definitely much, much different from what the lunarians (and us) perceive as one.

do gems have anything akin coming of age? this could be weird bc gems can potentially live forever, but they can also be abducted by the lunarians at any time, so who’s to say how long a lustrous will live? how do you calculate being ‘of age’? is it by calculating the average life-span of a gem? 

how do they measure time and seasons? we know they have winter and summer and phos mentions ‘spring’ in chapter 20, but what about months and lunar phases? do they have words for that or are months just too small a timeframe for the immortal lustrous to utilize? how do they measure time? in hours and seconds? weeks? different units altogether?

Gem Relationships

similarly, gem relationships are codified in a completely different way. we know they have a concept of romance bc dia ships phos and shinsha and makes comments here and there about other gems being in love. 

at the same time, the relationships btw alexandrite and chrysoberyl, padpa and rutile, ghost/cairn and lapis etc are little different from ‘pure’ sibling/sibling relationships or senpai/kohai relationships.

this is not to say that they’re all romantic in nature, but the way they’re codified in canon (especially in the way the characters grief for their partner) makes me think that even if the gems have no blood/physical kinship with one another they have a very articulated system of establishing family bonds.

dia and bort are clearly siblings, but the same can’t be said, for example, for rutile and padpa, even if they were partners and even if they display a similar junior/senior relationship. this means that relationships are predicated on something else in hnk, and kinship, family and romance are all codified in a different way.

think of vulcans in star trek: physical contact such as two fingers touching, holding hands and kissing is unknown of (save for very specific circumstances). and vulcan people have a completely different way of expressing intimacy and romance than humans. 

this makes me think: just how many canonically romantic relationships are there in hnk (if any) that we’re simply unaware of bc the way gems codify and express romance is so different from ours? is romance even common? rare? perceived as weird? useless? 

what about other relationships? the gems use ‘little brother/ older brother’ but what if this is just japanese approximations? what kind of relationships can lustrous language really express and how different are they from ours?

Imagination

as @ruddy-rutile​ pointed out some time ago, the gems lack a concept of fantasy. thats why i posted that panel about alex’s original lunarian designs. sure, it’s funny, but it also makes you think: these gems are not raised to think outside the box and they can do it without being told so only under exceptional circumstances.

of the vast library of texts that ghost (and lapis) used to take care of, just how many are novels and fiction? none of them? a small amount? a decent amount? in a society thats as focused on practicality, efficiency and conservatism as the lustrous’, how is fiction perceived if perceived at all? 

is there art? red beryl’s craft comes very close to art when they express their feelings about ‘fashion for fashion’s sake,’ but it’s an exception that the other gems find hard to grasp.

phos is often told to stop fantasizing about the world and get things done, the only tale we know the gems are told is the actual story of how their world came to be. the gems always talk about real things, stuff that happened, and make and do things that have a practical use. 

even bort’s jellyfish diary is just made up of a recollection of what happened when they tried to feed them. still, the fact that bort names the jellyfish makes you think that these rocks do have potential for fantasy, theyre just not used to it

Totalitarianism and Privacy

to make this even more shady, here’s your gentle reminder that:

- gems’ rooms have no doors. the only door ive been able to find is the one in shinsha’s room (ch 2) and that is because shinsha’s room is closed off to other people and full of mercury. its like putting a patch on smth you dont want to deal with (much like shinsha’s whole character arc tbh)

- the gems have little to no free time. or their free time can be revoked any time in case an emergency occurs, sensei is napping etc. the gems’ time is rigorously managed by jade, euc and sensei. each gem has a place to be and a time to be.

this means that a missing gem can be found at all times and slackers can be identified very easily. they all have a job and they have to follow it. this is not to say that they have no fun ever, but leisure time is rare and (at least as far as we know) its not contemplated when tasks are assigned each day.

the mere fact that there is a morning assembly and tasks are assigned each day makes you think. is this communism? is this totalitarianism? but most importantly, is this a scary dystopia that hits you in the face like a brick the third time you reread ch 2?   

- sameness > equality. i already went over this in the past. gems society underlines sameness and conformity over anything else. the gems think theyre equal but theyre actually ‘similar.’

a system based on equality emphasizes differences so that every individual can do the best with what they have got and get back what they need, according to their personal needs. 

these gems emphasize sameness: everyone is upheld to the same standards, even when those standards dont match with a gem’s unique characteristics (ie phos cannot be a fighter, no reason to keep saying stuff like ‘if only you were stronger/you’re useless’ etc. they’re a rock with an imagination in a world where dull reality is the rule. just make them write theater plays and play with slugs with shinsha, wth)

It’s real 1984 hours:

all of the above means that:

- your sense of self is subordinated to the group. if you dont belong you’re simply a nothing. at times, the gems almost display a collective consciousness (a pretty hostile one too): everything must be decided together and done together

- you are what you do. gems identify completely with their job. thats why a job is so important, thats why this system is so fucked up. self worth is not inherent, it depends on what you can do. talk about a breeding ground for mental health issues 

- you dont have a saying in picking your career or deciding for you future. thats up to sensei (and maybe euc and jade). unless you have a very strong affinity with a certain task (like red beryl and alex)

- youre expected to follow orders all the damn time. no matter how much sensei wants his gems to exert free will, they still prefer to do what theyre told. ill admit, its much easier than taking your life in your hands and decide what youre gonna do with it, but damn if it isnt depressing. and childish

- euclase and sensei are the authority. sensei and euc are the powers that be. in the sense that they assign tasks, they decide on times and battle plans, on purpose etc. lets not forget that euc was the one to take on sensei’s role after he ‘resigned.’ 

i wonder what would happen if euc were abducted and the gems had no one to follow anymore, no orders. who’d be the new leader? would there be one? lets not forget that no matter how gentle euc is, phos is shit scared of them.

- thought police is a thing. to end this meta on what is probably the shadiest note: surveillance is a thing. the gems report on each other, it’s thought police, no sugarcoating this. 

there’s no privacy, no secrets. even antarc reads rutile’s diary. this goes from cute and childish (’you did this one wrong thing, im gonna tell sensei’) to absolutely fucked up (’you did this one wrong thing, im gonna tell sensei’)

[yukipri]

So I’m back from the dead (literally). A Goodbye Message.

Hey there. Some of you may remember me.

Some of you may have wondered why I suddenly stopped posting, but the vast majority of you probably didn’t even notice, as is how it is. ^ ^;

I’m finally back, and it wasn’t an easy journey getting back.

Here’s what happened.

(Slightly long post, but please forgive me for not putting it under a cut, it’s sorta important)

On November 19th, I checked my blog as I always do, to learn that my blog was terminated.

No warning, no reason, suddenly BOOM gone. I’ve had this blog since spring 2012. It’s almost entirely sfw, I’ve always been hyper careful with tagging, and any questionable content has always been hosted on other platforms. Yet for some reason, I was one of many blogs caught up in what’s come to be known as the #TumblrPurge.

I followed all the steps. I emailed staff, first desperately, then more rationally, making my case. I figured that a bot had caught my blog, as I knew plenty of other more suspicious content blogs that were unharmed. At first there was hope, it’s just a glitch, it’s happening to a lot of people, they’ll give it back right away, some people have already gotten theirs back!

Nothing.

My methods of contacting followers were limited to my Patreon and Twitter, neither of which has much of a base. Followers who knew me on there were incredibly kind and supportive, and sometimes even reached out to staff on my behalf.

I didn’t want to spam, but I also was desperate. I emailed staff once a week. I tried using different categories. I tried adding attachments. My messages ranged from simple and succinct, to deeply personal and desperate.

I was honestly devastated. I spiraled into the worst depression I’ve ever been in. I could barely eat and vomited nonstop for a week. I gained 20 pounds in 2 weeks. I was completely out of control mentally, and even reached out to a psychiatrist friend in case I couldn’t handle it myself. I couldn’t draw, and thinking about projects that I once loved only hurt me more.

Talk about social media addiction, but I’ve legit never gone longer than a week without posting something for years, and especially since becoming a content creator, it felt sickening to not have the place where I drove myself to post constantly and consistently. It broke my schedule. It made me feel cut off from the world, and I felt claustrophobic and uncomfortable in my own skin.

I lost so many things with this blog. Yes, I was primarily a content creator, and while of course I had backups of all my art and some of my longer text posts, I lost so much more.

I lost, perhaps most importantly, all my interactions with my followers. I lost connections to so many people, people I hadn’t contacted in years and may not have even been active anymore, but who I always believed I would have this route back to. I lost memories, both online and of my personal life that I had recorded on here.

And as someone who unfortunately put so much of my identity and self-validation on my social media experience, I suddenly felt like I was absolutely nothing.

For the longest time, I thought I was su*cidal as a result of my depression (word bleeped out bc who knows what can get you flagged now). I certainly thought about death and dying daily.

But then, I realized what I was feeling wasn’t quite that. I didn’t feel like I wanted to die.

I felt like I was already dead.

Which, may sound like an exaggeration, but in terms of tumblr at least, it’s exactly the same. If I had died in rl, I would have dropped off the map, just like this. Suddenly stopped posting, no warning in advance. My blog may have existed, but in this case, no record of my existence even remained. To people who came looking for my url, I may as well have been dead. You wouldn’t have known any better.

Or who knows, maybe I was a criminal or had done something awful that resulted in my blog being removed. Maybe I had just had it with this site and had chosen to leave. Maybe I was just taking a much needed break. It would have been odd, since I prioritized communicating and always said when I needed a break, which was rarely ever. But either way, I had no way of telling any of you what had happened to me. My voice was gone.

Feeling like I was dead, after I recognized what I was feeling, was...disturbing, I guess. Kinda explained why I always felt like a corpse though.

(of course, feeling like I was dead contributed to thinking other things like maybe it’d be better if I really wasn’t around at all, but that’s a result, and not the main feeling.)

Anyway, I kept emailing staff, and I finally managed to come back. It took ten emails and over 2 months of waiting and wasting away and trying to come to terms with how I’m unlikely to get it back. I didn’t get my blog back until TODAY.

Now that I have come back, the landscape’s changed, as I had heard it had. They hadn’t even announced the adu*t content policy change when they terminated me. I honestly feel like I’m back in a world that’s moved on without me, and it’s made me feel very strongly how insignificant I was in the first place.

During my time being dead, I had a lot of time to think about what I wanted to do. I regretted not doing my 25K follower giveaway sooner. I regretted not getting this or that content out. I regretted having kept certain long text posts and ask responses in my drafts yet unpublished.

But more than anything, I regretted not being able to say goodbye, and thank you all for my time here.

Yes, it’s had ups and downs, but tumblr was where I first found myself as an artist. Tumblr was what first made me interact with and find a group of people interested in what I created. Tumblr was where I was able to interact with those people, you. And I know I’ve had my ups and downs too, and different fandoms and different moods, but I thank you all from the bottom of my heart for letting me be a part of your experience here, however big or small that experience may have been.

I also learned the dangers of immersing myself too deeply on one online platform. So much of myself had been poured into this one blog, this one blog that can disappear with a legit snap of staff’s fingers. (my twitter handle was “Got Thanos’d on Tumblr” for a good month lol) I used to think that’s what made my content valuable, that I poured so much love and thought and everything personal into it, that’s what made it special, but in the end oh so very damaging when it was ripped away. As someone who spent almost all my time online creating content, it was an awful reality pill I had to swallow, and I don’t want ANYONE experiencing the same thing I did.

So please. The takeaway here, if I can be a cautionary tale, is to be aware that an online identity is more unstable than you think it is. It can go POOF. I’m lucky to be here, and that staff finally responded, and that I had the masochism to continue emailing staff weekly no matter how much I felt like I should stop breathing afterwards.

Also, please, if you have people on this site you care about, whether it be a friend or someone you think is neat, anyone you will miss if they suddenly disappeared, please go connect with them in other places beyond this site, which may become increasingly unstable. This can be another social media if they have it, an email, a chatting platform, anything. Even if you personally don’t use it yet, create an account so you can find them when you can no longer access your account, or they can’t access theirs and they can find you. Don’t regret it like I did.

As for me, after all of this, I don’t know if I can post content on here again.

I’d gone well beyond hoping for another chance at this community. All I’ve been thinking about these past two months was how I would have wanted to say goodbye.

Now that I have my account back, I’m currently filled with more numbness and bitterness than any joy or relief. I don’t know if I can create content anymore for a platform that has hurt me so deeply, no matter how much its community means to me. This experience changed me, and I’ve taken damage that isn’t going to go away so easily.

As I think about what to do moving forward, for now, you can find me on my accounts that I WAS active on these past two months. They aren’t the same, but they were all I had.

If you read this message until the end, thank you.

Again, I might decide to post on here again. I might not. But for now, here’s again what I’ve been wanting to say for two months:

Thank you, Tumblr. And goodbye.

-Kazu

(yukipri.tumblr.com)

https://twitter.com/YukiPri_Art

https://www.patreon.com/YukiPri

[stevetwisp]

Can I ask you for more information on your old Maudity au set in High School? Or even just your headcanons for those characters?

basically, my high school au is very reminiscent of Sailor Moon? so context is that, the mane 6 all go to different high schools and have their own problems and then after school they get together and fight monsters that are invading their town (which i set in japan bc this whole au is just a love letter to magical girl anime)one of the side stories is Rarity and Maud being classmates, Maud is a fairly new student who isn’t fitting in wellRarity’s rather taken with her and attempts to reach out, at first things are a little hardMaud’s so closed off Rarity can barely get a word out of her

but one evening Rarity stays late to finish a project and finds that Maud also stays late in the library to do research, they finally bond over their shared interest in geologyRarity sees the notes that Maud takes in class and sees how she doodles out her thoughts, seeing she’s much more expressive on the page than face to facetheir moment is cut short when Buried Treasure shows up and starts to pick on Maud, her hesitation to open up to Rarity suddenly now makes more sense Rarity is quick to defend Maud and i like to think in cool magical girl anime fashion; they realize that maybe Buried Treasure is being controlled by one of these monsters the girls have been fighting, or whatever you know, Rarity ends up transforming and fighting the monster in front of Maud I think it’d be funny at the end of the fight Rarity does a cool pose while she’s all transformed and Maud is like ‘wow you’re one of those magical girl fighters too’ and Rarity’s like ‘what’ and then Rarity finds out that Maud is Pinkie’s sister. i like to think that Rarity just thinks Maud is this really cool person, like, they share almost all the same interests and even the stuff Rarity doesn’t know about she’s absolutely gripped when Maud talks about iti think Rarity might even be a little intimidated by Maud, because she’s so smart and educated but on the flip side, Maud is very cool and collected, but internally she’s a total messshe’s like wondering why Rarity even hangs out with her most of the time but is so happy that a girl like her would give her the time of dayshe loves how excited Rarity gets over anything and loves how she asks about Maud’s interests even if they don’t seem at all like something Rarity would enjoyand most importantly, Maud feels very safe around Rarity because she knows she can be vulnerable around herI have this headcanon that Rarity is actually very good with disability and maybe she has her own mental illness and she just functions differently but, she’s had a lot of experience working around it and living with it comfortably while maud maybe grew up in a place that wasn’t so accepting of her disabilities, like she was surrounded by the idea that if she just worked harder, she wouldn’t be disabled i also think that’s part of the reason pinkie left home, and also why maud eventually left home tooso maybe when rarity and maud are together, rarity is kinda the only person outside of pinkie pie, who approaches maud on her terms and is able to communicate with her in a way that makes her feel comfortable and safe 

i also headcanon that selective mutism is sort of a thing with the pie family so pinkie and maud know sign language and pinkie teaches rarity but it’s VERY HARD because maud and pinkie have developed like their own short hand based on inside jokes and rarity’s like PLEASE IM STILL LEARNING.. 

uhh anyway, everyone should read the mlp comic “Friends Forever” #29because maud and rarity are VERY CUTE 

[exhaustedwerewolf]

ok so one thing I absolutely have been meaning to talk about for ages is kashaw’s offscreen character development between his intro in trial of the take and his second appearance

this is gonna get long and is ultimately not an argument so much as a manifestation of me being really excited about kashaw, so, under the cut- tw for rape and consent talk, bc, uh, kashaw

When we meet Kashaw, he is curt, uninterested in forming personal relationships, and, to put it bluntly, a bit of a dick.

“I am Kashaw Vesh, an acolyte. Here I am, waiting for you for so long now. Do I have to travel with them the entire time?”

In particular, he makes his initial dislike for Keyleth known loud and clear;

“Is she always like this?”

“Seriously, the whole time she is like this?”

TIBERIUS: “It grows on you though.”

KASHAW: “I’m sure it does. So does the plague.”

This continues throughout the contract, so, I think the goodbye kiss in the following episode came as a shock to a lot of viewers;

“And you. You might be the most annoying person I’ve ever met in my life.” With that, he grabs her around the waist, pulls her in, and plants one right on her.

So Kashaw leaves with a wink and this left-field, non-consensual kiss fresh in everyone’s minds, and it is over twenty episodes before we see him again. When he reappears, it is with a newfound friend in Zahra. Mary and Will roleplay the pair of them as friends flawlessly from the start, even though it’s their first time doing so;

KASHAW: “Was I wrong, by the way? Did you see how hot Keyleth is?”

ZAHRA: “She’s fucking hot.”

Not only does this exchange communicate their relationship, but this one, in particular, is multifunctional- it reveals that Zahra and Kash have discussed The Kiss™️, and knowing this becomes very relevant when Kash gets a moment alone with Keyleth. Firstly, his open fondness for Zahra is a direct juxtaposition of his old habit of insulting Keyleth to hide the fact that he is interested in her.

“I have one real friend, and that’s Z ... I’d do anything for her.”

And very early on into the exchange, he comes out with this;

“There is one thing I wanted to say to you, though, about our kiss. I’m very happy that it happened. But I shouldn’t have stolen it. And for that, I apologize.“

Kash is again, being much more open about his emotions, explaining that he is “happy that it happened,” then he was when we first met him. There’s an important distinction between being secretive and being closed off- Kash was willing to tell near strangers about what happened to him, but as above, that was paired with not wanting to talk “about” it, i.e. to go into details about how that actually was for him. Describing it clinically gives him emotional distance from the event;

“I am her husband.”

“We were married at [my] birth.”

“She killed everyone in the village.”

“On my 15th naming-day she came to consummate the marriage.”

It is absolutely fucked-up to describe this relationship as a “marriage,”- the words “we were married,” imply consent while the rest of the information Kash gives makes it crystal clear that consent is not the reality of this situation. But this fact doesn’t really cross his mind, or if it does, he doesn’t identify it as relevant. The important details are those that are relevant to the situation- he cannot ask Vesh for a favour, because;

KASHAW: “Tried to kill her at 15. Haven’t seen her since.”

TIBERIUS: “Ooh. So it’s not like you can ask for a favor, I suppose.”

KASHAW: “I suppose I could, but there’s a good chance she’ll kill you, me, and everyone around at the same time.”

Even though Kashaw mentions that he tried to kill Vesh, this is not followed up with any kind of emotional reasoning; I hate her, I wanted revenge, etc. His unsentimental explanation doesn’t communicate any of the emotions he associates with her at all. But thanks to a failed saving throw, we know that although he tries to act like these events have not affected him, they absolutely have;

MATT: [Kashaw], however. There’s something about the way it screamed that for a moment, you swear it had a face similar to Vesh from your wedding night. It clutches your heart, and you are considered frightened for the next minute.

So, while Kashaw doesn’t seem to think of what happened to him as “rape,” all the information we’re provided leaves zero doubt that that is exactly what happened to Kashaw. But then time passes, and he apologises for  The Kiss™️.

“...I shouldn’t have stolen it. And for that, I apologize.”

Something has obviously prompted him to look at that experience in a new light, and given that he declares that Zahra is his only friend, and it’s clear from their earlier dialogue they’ve talked about The Kiss™️, she is the one I would put my money on. While our knowledge of Zahra’s past is a little less specific;

“[My father] was a dark wizard… He kept me in a cage.”

She is clearly equipped to discuss events that could have been traumatic. Even before her friendship with Kashaw, she is far more in touch with her feelings than he is, cheerfully calling her father “an asshole,” and “awful,” and although it’s partly a facet of personality, she is a lot more enthusiastic about being open with strangers and about the possibility of finding a point of connection with them, even if it’s via the road less travelled.

VEX: “Zahra … Getting a bit personal here around the fire.”

ZAHRA: “Sorry. I thought we were bonding.”

It’s pretty feasible that, over all of the time Zahra has spent with Kashaw offscreen, she’s coaxed him into talking about his feelings in the name of “bonding,” (even if his initial reactions were probably in line with Vex’s here) and encouraged him to examine his past experiences, including the circumstances of The Kiss™️. But it’s not just Kash’s opinion of The Kiss™️ itself that has changed. From examining his language, there’s clearly been a dramatic shift in how he views consent, almost certainly prompted by Zahra.

Not all of Vox Machina were able to meet Kashaw when he was introduced, so when his past becomes relevant again;

VEX: “You’re married to a god?!”

we get to hear his updated explanation, and it speaks volumes;

KASHAW: “For the record, she married me, and there’s a difference.”

This is absolutely miles away from how he told the story before- while he doesn’t outright say that he never married her (and we have to take into account that Vesh is still a very real and present threat in Kash’s life) he is recognising himself as the victim in this situation by acknowledging that something was done to him, and that he did not consent to the marriage. And way more importantly, he recognises that this actually matters; “There’s a difference.” When Keyleth, in her clumsy and well-intentioned way, kind of misses the point of what he’s saying;

KEYLETH: “I don’t know if that holds up in court, Vesh.”

He responds;

KASHAW: “She’s not really going to care about court so much as ripping the bones from your back. You really don’t want to meet her. It’s a bad thing.”

He undermines the marriage by dismissing it as he does here, and even the simple words “it’s a bad thing,” are more emotionally-oriented than anything he said about her the first time around. When Vox Machina pry further, this happens;

VEX: “I want to hear more about this.”

KASHAW: “You really don’t. You won’t sleep.”

Obviously he doesn’t know these people that well and is redirecting the conversation away from a very personal trauma, which is completely understandable. But whereas previously, he deflected questions by emphasizing the danger, “she’ll kill you, me, and everyone around at the same time,” and as such, threatening the party, even if indirectly, this new deflection is very different. Telling Vex that his story is going to keep her up at night is by its nature acknowledging that the event was horrifying, and this time, he’s expressing concern on her behalf, gently nudging her in a different direction rather than lashing out to drive people away.

And then there’s Kashaw’s Big Moment in Episode 44; The Resurrection. This is a moment of complete and utter chaos, and a huge amount of pressure for Kash, and honestly, I am one-hundred percent sure that if in a parallel universe, Critical Role is a show about the adventurers of Zahra Hydris and Kashaw Vesh, this moment is the culmination of a personal arc for Kashaw.

MATT: ...you pull up the symbol, and this type of magic, life and death magic, draws a little closer than you feel comfortable with Vesh, and you realize at this moment that you’re going to have to make the choice to possibly call her attention forth.

VAX: “What are you hesitating for? Do it. Whatever the fuck you’re going to do, do it.”

KASHAW: “She could destroy everything.”

VAX: “Do it.”

KEYLETH: “What do you mean, she could destroy? What do you mean?”

SCANLAN: “Who’s she?”

KASHAW: “I mean the dragons are going to be the least of your fears if she comes back. That’s what I mean.”

KEYLETH: “Kashaw, you’re running out of time.”

KASHAW: “I’m going to bring her back.”

Considering that the mere memory of Vesh is enough to paralyse Kashaw with fear, it does not take him very long to make this decision. He has Vox Machina begging him, but again, these people are little better than strangers. The fact that casting this spell “call[s Vesh’s] attention forth,” implies that he has not used this spell before, and I think it would be extremely unlikely, given his role at the Take, and the nature of life in Tal Dorei, that is the first time Kashaw has had the opportunity to attempt Revivify. So this is the first time Kashaw has chosen to do so, and therefore, it's undeniably personally significant to him.

MATT: So as [Kashaw] grasp[s] the symbol, … all of the scars across [his] forearm begin to light with a deep red crimson energy...

The scars - being the scars from the Rite of the Hundred, inflicted upon Kashaw by Vesh - lighting up at this point underlines just how fucking serious this decision is for Kashaw personally. We’ve already heard about the circumstances behind the Rite, so even though the audience is one step removed from Kash’s narrative by virtue of not knowing him that well, and being focused on the dire situation of our main protagonists, Matt’s description of the scars still manages to draw attention to the weight of this moment for Kash. And then, his new friend Zahra moves in to help;

MATT: The dull white glow begins to intermingle with the dark, shattered energy of Vesh’s grant, and as they impact, it creates this strange grey swirl.

MATT: The grey balances, and where the two meet now, there is just grey energy seeping into her body.

This is again, the result of fortunate rolls, but Matt’s stellar narration drives home how Zahra’s light is a foil to Kashaw’s darkness. The impact that she has had on him is clear, and that their efforts combined were successful further perpetuate the idea that her impact on him is an overwhelmingly positive one.

When it’s all over, we get this scene between Keyleth and Kashaw;

KEYLETH: ”What does this mean?”

KASHAW: “To be honest, I have no idea.”

KEYLETH: “How do you feel?”

KASHAW: ”I feel okay. I hope the barrier that was sealed has remained sealed, or this is the start of very bad things.”

KEYLETH: “Why did you do that?”

KASHAW: “'Cause I knew you wanted me to.”

This beautiful little exchange wonderfully sums up how Kashaw has changed since VM’s first encounter with him. We have the fact that he willingly put himself in danger of Vesh in the first place, which was not exactly on the top of his “To Do” list the first time we met him. We have him answering Keyleth’s question, “how do you feel?” not with derision but with earnesty and at least partial honesty. And finally, while the kiss at the end of Episode 21 was a selfish act- done for Kash’s own enjoyment and then followed by his his quick exit, characterised by a complete disregard for Keyleth’s feelings, this act was entirely motivated by empathy- in particular, preventing Keyleth’s pain, even at great personal risk.

And in a further contrast, the two talk further when they get out of the tomb- there is so much open and engaged communication and again, worlds away from the petty insults of Trial of the Take;

KEYLETH: “You know, Kashaw, for a cleric, I was concerned maybe you didn’t believe in much at all. And I was very unsure of how you got all of your radiant powers, considering I didn’t know what you believed in. But you must believe in something. So what is it?

KASHAW: “I believe in life. That’s all I was raised to believe in, was life. When you’re married to death, it’s pretty much all you have. And I didn’t believe in any actual person until I met Zahra. She saved my life. She didn’t have to, but she did. And she started to teach me what it meant to have family. I didn’t really know what that was like until I first saw you guys together. I figured there was no way that was going to happen, and then there she was, and suddenly I had a sister. Once again I realized that, at the end, life conquers all.”

We don’t get the circumstances of Zahra saving Kashaw’s life at this point- which leaves us to speculate if he means this literally, figuratively… But Kashaw has suffered terribly, and this spiel starts to depict a good hearted man whose beliefs have been drowned out by the weight of horrific experiences. He himself credits her as the person who “started to teach [him] what it mean[s] to have family,” and this explains his new ability to openly express affection.

KEYLETH: “Well, you did our family a great service today, and you didn’t have to do that.”

KASHAW: “Yeah. Vax would’ve killed me. And like I said, I believe in life– mine, above all others. He’s a good guy, you know. And a hell of a warrior. A little creepy, the way he’s always staring at you, but I can’t really blame him.”

Again, Kashaw is demonstrated to be becoming more selfless. He is obviously still interested in Keyleth at this point, but he has the decency to tell her his honest opinion about Vax, and is happy on her behalf.

KEYLETH: “You know, you’re a good guy too, even though you try really hard to pretend not to be.

KASHAW: “Don’t let that get out, I got a reputation.”

While Kashaw jokes here, he does not tell Keyleth that he’s not; so we know that he thinks of himself as a well-intentioned person. 

KEYLETH: “By the way, y'know, you didn’t need to apologize for stealing that kiss before, it was fine.”

KASHAW: “Well, that’s good to know. It was only my second one!”

This is, in my opinion, one of the most important lines of Kashaw’s dialogue in the entire episode. Notice how he does not rescind his apology. “That’s good to know,” demonstrates alleviated worry, but just because The Kiss™️ didn’t bother Keyleth in the way he thought it might didn’t excuse the circumstances of it, and by leaving the apology standing, he clearly knows this. Neither was he aware when he apologised initially that it was Keyleth’s first kiss- that was never a factor. Whether it was Kiki’s first kiss or her hundredth, he apologised, because what he did wasn’t acceptable. But with his addition, “It was only my second one!” it becomes painfully clear, if it wasn’t already, why he did it;

KEYLETH: “Question. Who was your first kiss?”

KASHAW: “That would be my wife.”

As is evidenced by his vocabulary when referring to his “marriage,” when we meet Kashaw he is profoundly uneducated when it comes to consent. While Kashaw has, and has always had, good intentions- has always been a “good guy,”- Kashaw navigated that first kiss so disastrously because he had literally no other guiding principle other than Vesh when it came to expressing affection, let alone romantic affection. It took a patient mentor, in the form of Zahra, to show him the right path.

There’s so much more I could say but no force on earth will stop me from rewatching all the episodes if I continue, so I just wanted to say that this shift is the offscreen character development to end all offscreen character development. Kashaw, with his own set of beliefs, issues, and hang-ups, feels absolutely like a fully realised individual, and never like someone popping in and out of existence to support the main protagonists, like so many side characters on mainstream television (with a team of writers behind them and free of the mechanics of a tabletop game,) do. As someone who disliked Kashaw when he was first introduced, I was absolutely delighted by how my opinion of him had changed by the end of Sunken Tomb, and that none of these changes seemed implausible or unbelievable- all personal growth with adequately acknowledged catalysts that sends a really positive message about recovery and unlearning toxic behaviours. Whether you like him or dislike him on a personal level, Kashaw is a credible, convincing character, and Will Friedle does an absolutely mind blowingly stellar job of portraying him as such. 

[callmcgills]

werner ziegler 😭

! major BCS spoilers from this point on !

Werner (send me a character and I’ll list…)

thank you for giving me an excuse to dump my emotions! THAT SAID:

*sits on the sidewalk* *screams into my hands*

favorite thing about them

a huge part of me liking him is his duality between professionalism and goofiness. (“for my father, it was his achievement. a creation that will endure,” and “very good! now you use your thinking head, not your drinking head!” are lines from the same episode) i also liked how he was an architectural genius, but was downright incapable of thinking ahead when his smarts were applied to any other situation. but most importantly, i like him because he had so much heart that he was KILLED OVER IT!!! the crimes he was killed over were being friendly/proud of his work, escaping the warehouse because he’s tired and wants to be with someone he loved, and trusting someone to be honest!!!!!!! Rainer Bock also gave a great portrayal which definitely helped too

also, relevant: i went from liking Werner to being absolutely invested after he had a panic attack in Wiedersehen, and then it hard cut to him walking back into the room with a smile.

least favorite thing about them

to this day i still have to watch the pool-side scene in Winner while peaking through my fingers. partly because Werner WHY did you have to BLAB AGAIN! but mostly because, well… i’m glad Werner didn’t have to die in those clothes. i also can’t let it go unstated that Werner most likely did know he was working on something w/ criminal ties. but w/ the way Werner acted, he CLEARLY must have thought that Gus and Mike were just storing illegal fireworks or something

favorite line

“Ah, not true. He also left you, Michael. You are his legacy.” Werner doesn’t think Mike needs a grand accomplishment to be worthy of being called a legacy. he could have just said “oh, that’s a shame” about Mike’s previous line, but instead he tells Mike that he’s good enough just for existing. and that’s incredibly meaningful and sweet. (but Mike laughs, because he’s a murderer. his son’s death is on his hands. some legacy he is! and if Werner knew, he wouldn’t be saying that. then, har har har, Werner is killed by him.)

close runner up: “Now say Mittagsschläfchen,” and literally every other line in that scene. for example: “How do you say bullshit?” “Hmm, bullshit.” his dialogue with Mike was gold.

brOTP

Werner and the construction crew. They Are His Sons. the reason Werner said ‘once, maybe’ about if he wanted to have kids was because living w/ someone like Kai for 9 months was enough

if that’s too obvious an answer… Gale and Werner. “wow. i mean, it’s incredible. […] an architectural feat. herculean.” RETCON WERNER’S DEATH SO THEY CAN DRINK COFFEE TOGETHER!!!

OTP

throwback to when i said ‘wehrmantraut endgame’ to myself during Coushatta. those were simpler times.

nOTP

Werner/Kai. a very hard nOTP at that. i haven’t seen anyone ship it, but the Mere Concept is enough to squick me out. and if i’m being frank, Werner/any of the six people in his team. i can’t see Werner’s relationship w/ them as anything other than familial.

random headcanon

i’ve put a lot of thought into this, because i’m working on (more like… planning but avoiding actually writing) a construction crew-centric fic. and since i only have 1 piece of backstory info and a piece of lint to go off of for Werner, i realized i had to fill in some of the blanks! here’s a piece of what i came up with!

i think his father’s work would’ve left a negative impact on Werner. if Werner’s in his 50s, then when he was a kid his father was working on what would be The Most Important Project Of His Life, and he wasn’t able to interact w/ his family often. this would put Werner in an uncomfortable position – being upset about his father being so busy would mean he was being “ungrateful.” his father was sacrificing so much and working so hard, after all!! his attire and work methods might reflect that he’s almost replicating his father in a way. he’s almost deliberately old fashioned, even for someone his age. contrast w/ the French engineer, or even Mike, who is more adaptable to the point he notices dead pixels and what was used to create them

it can’t be good for anyone to have a parent who is constantly busy w/ their “achievement” during some of the most important years of your development. and imagine at least one of your parents being more of a legend than a family member! you’d internalize unrealistic expectations of yourself and flat out wrong ideas of what’s good enough, and you’d look at every moment in your life using that parent’s experiences as a frame of reference. you’re constantly comparing your experiences. not in a “am i as good as them?” kind of way, but in a “in terms of work, i don’t have it NEARLY as hard as they did, so i must be grateful for [X]” way. you also can’t complain about anything that’s given to you, because at least you didn’t have to aid in revolutionizing architecture and construct a new type of concrete arch

while Werner clearly said “you are his legacy” as a way to make Mike look at things more optimistically (and because he really meant it) you have to wonder what him choosing that word says about how he thinks of himself. if you are your parent’s legacy – working in their occupation, even – does that mean just the fact that you exist is good enough, or does that mean you can’t let your existence as a legacy go to waste? of course, when he said it to Mike he meant the former, but that’s not necessarily how the child of someone like his father applies that message to himself.

unpopular opinion

i’ve noticed a lot of people saying that Werner was “stupid for not realizing the severity of his situation” and thinking he’d be able to go back to work after escaping. in my opinion, Mike screwed up by not clearly defining the rules to him. his death was unfair, but even more so because he was punished for breaking the rules to a game he didn’t know he was playing. Gus is playing 4D Chess, and Werner was playing Jenga at a completely different table.

as far as Werner knew, all that mattered was that the work got done and that it got done in secrecy. after all, i don’t imagine any of his other employers would have killed him for what was just a day off. it doesn’t matter how much Werner knew about his job, your instinct isn’t to believe you are going to be murdered for leaving your workplace. not when every single job you’ve had hasn’t worked that way. and that’s where the communication problems spring from, almost every other job Mike has had did work that way, so to Mike the implications were clear and he didn’t need to clarify what “think about who you’re working for” meant.

Werner lacked the context: that Gus was playing a long con that ran deeper than just what they’re building. while Werner believed what they were building was the most important part – and thus no harm no foul in leaving for a few days because the work was going to get done – it was really the revenge and end game that mattered, which meant everyone was replaceable and expendable. especially when they blab to a Salamanca. so it’s about more than whether he knew the people he worked for were dangerous, it’s about the fact he was wrong about what the priorities were.

song i associate with them

Miles, by Mother Mother. a post-Wiedersehen song

“Miles / and miles / and miles / Before we reach the sand / Cacti / and cacti /  for miles / miles of dry land, dry land / We gonna make it / Oooh we gonna make it / We gonna take it / Oooh we gonna take it / Easy / Once we feel the sea breezeMy my my my my my my lover / My maker / My breaker / Take me by the hand / We could go walking for miles / Once we reach the sand / the sand”

favorite picture of them 

A Very Tender Photo Taken One Episode Before Disaster

bonus: an excerpt from an IM w/ kiraalexander, after they filled me in on what Werner did during the finale

[jess-oh]

Reflection

In case you don’t live forever, let me tell you now I love you more than you’ll ever wrap your head around In case you don’t live forever, let me tell you the truth I’m everything that I am because of you

i have a senior banquet meeting in about two hours and im hoping to at least start writing my philosophy paper at this point. hopefully i can finish it! and then tonight i can code my website a little bit more and start researching for my IP Conflict class.

Sigh.

I’m conflicted.

I met with Joy by chance today and she invited me to eat lunch with her which was really nice and I was touched. I’m making active efforts in making Movement a better community, even if I don’t get to experience it. I think I’m just really tired. I was definitely much more physically tired while we were talking but for some reason, I just decided to vent everything and confess everything. She was really good at listening and it was nice just being able to talk without worrying I was talking too much or not doing a good enough job. Especially because she’s a freshman, I want to do my best to serve her and invest into her and be there for her but I do think part of the reason I’m so miserable and feel like I can’t rely on Movement as my community is because I haven’t let them. I never reach out to them for help. I just try to do my best to be there for them and let them vent to me and have them rely on me but honestly, I haven’t been the most honest with them either. It’s not fair for me to blame them when I definitely could’ve been more honest and open with them as well.

The night that Jason told me the things people had been saying about me and what I should be more aware of, I cried. A lot. I wasn’t necessarily hurt because I knew those things weren’t words from him and he told me out of place of care and I took those things to heart and made active efforts to change. And I did and I am still constantly looking for more ways that I can do better. But I think I just became so paranoid after that night of always maintaining a certain image but never just being able to be myself. And I’ve been increasingly more tired and burnt out recently so my true colors have been coming out and I am having a lot more genuine fun this way but idk. I think I just don’t trust the Movement community enough to tell them my problems without them feeling like theyre in a position where they have to take care of my problems all the time but are uncomfortable with telling me what theyre going through when i am here to serve them. I do genuinely care for them. I do. But I’m just so tired of serving and seemingly getting nothing out of it. 

I kind of just want to go home for a couple months and rest there and not have to think about anything and to just be with people I know definitively do genuinely care for me and I never have to worry if they lowkey dont like me or disapprove of how i handle some situations. Sigh.

I’m just really tired is all.

I can’t believe it’s already almost April and time for the summer. For my friends to graduate and leave me behind. They’re moving on to bigger and better things and I’m excited for them. I just gotta reprioritize and adapt to the new situation now. I was able to do well this past year. Hopefully I can do it again. I’d love to see them again and for them to come and visit. I do really love them all, a lot. Sosososososo much.

I also feel bad saying no if people tell me to do something bc I know technically I could help but it’d be easier for me not to. I would have more free time and time to relax and be free if I didn’t take it. But technically, I could do it so I don’t want to say no. Earlier today, Wookie messaged me asking if I could be the official admin person for VS this term and be in charge of scheduling, finances, etc. And technically, I could. I do enjoy doing administrative work and I’m good at it. But that’d just be another thing for me to worry about on my plate.

I also think I partly brought this upon myself. I’ve been trying so hard to prepare myself and properly equip myself for to return to Turkey to serve the Kurdish people for a year by the time I graduate and as a result, I’ve been hyper equipping myself and making incredibly fast progress to challenge myself to do better and have more self discipline and set goals and accomplish them. I’ve been filled with so much determination to do better but I’ve gotten so caught up in doing this that I lost sight of the reason I started doing this in the first place. I want to invest into the local church so that I have a better understanding of what it means to truly love someone/something and not caring at all the sacrifice it takes on your part because you love them so much. I’ve been expecting something in return instead of just loving them with all that I am. But love doesnt have to be so one sided. It can be open. If I’m willing to be open and vulnerable with them. If they genuinely care and want to know how I’m doing as friends, then I should let them instead of being so closed off and having a me vs them mentality. It has been lonely but it’s also because I’ve been digging my own grave. I don’t want to serve in InterCP just to have Christian friends that genuinely care for me and are also centered in Christ. I don’t want to serve just because I feel like I need to in order to best prepare myself for the mission field. I want to serve because I want to use it as an opportunity to lift up the next generation of missionaries and pray over them because I know that God will use them in such an incredible and mighty way. I want to serve InterCP because I care about how it’ll spread the good news and the hope of Jesus Christ. I want to serve for that. And honestly, right now that isn’t the case. It might’ve been at first and idk how I got sucked back into serving but I did and now here I am. I need people to rely on and that I know genuinely care for me. And people that I can genuinely care for too.

Joy asked me today when I feel the most relaxed and like I can just rest. And I really couldn’t think of any examples or moments or people where that’s true. I’m always slightly on edge. Maybe with my roommates but even with them I act like I have it more together than I actually do. I can think the most clearly when giving them advice and I’m not so confused or afraid of the weight my words will carry in what I say and how it’ll influence/impact them. 

I feel like I’ve worked really hard to gain the trust of my community and I don’t want to lose it because I was confused and said something stupid instead of taking the time to really think it through and give them the best possible answer. But I also think just being there, in the moment, and really present and attentive and intentional is enough as well.

Sigh. idk.

im pretty lonely. 

i do trust pjosh but i want concrete advice on what to do instead of having to figure out myself all the time. but i guess thats pretty selfish and unrealistic to ask of for anyone. i can rely on other people to always make decisions for me. i gotta do that by myself. or more importantly, with God in mind and how to best serve/glorify Him.

sigh

i just really need to rest dude, haha.

im really tired.

anyway, thanks for chatting with me journal.

i pray this all in your name,

amen.

[yukipri]

Hey, I want to start posting my own art but i don't know if i should do it on tumblr or instagram...which one should i choose? i noticed that you use both, but all your art has your blog URL... any thoughts?

Okay so here’s my best attempt to answer this, it got a bit long sorry! ^ ^;

I think different people have vastly different experiences posting art on various social media platforms depending on what you post, how you want to present it, how many followers you have, and how you regularly interact/WANT to interact with those followers.

I technically have an instagram which I tried to get myself to restart using after my last convention since so many cosplayers use it, and i tried putting a very small amount of art on there but tbh it’s already fallen back to its original use, which is to sometime post photos to tumblr through it ^ ^; I realized Instagram’s not a great platform for me personally to post art because 1) I personally do not have a lot of followers on it, 2) of those followers, many are rl people who found me through fb which i try to keep separated from my fandom blogs, 3) Instagram heavily controls image dimensions so it’s not great if you frequently post tall or long posts and the majority of my art is portrait, 4) Instagram is good for individual aesthetic images, not so great for long story-telling multi-page comics, which is a lot of what I do, 5) I’m not entirely sure how people find your blog on instagram since no reblogging and tags and stuff seem strange and most of the attention seems to come from people who already follow you, and I’m too tired to learn another social media platform now, and 6) Instagram is full of a TON of art theft and I’ve had too many personal bad experiences to have a good impression of the platform as a whole.

So uh, yep, in other words for me Instagram is mostly for cosplay, selfies, pet pics, and merch pics ^ ^;

I also post on Twitter, but that has its fair share of issues too. It, like instagram, is pretty bad for posting portrait images and works better with square/landscape aligned images. It absolutely SUCKS for long comics and multi-page things because the previews are awful. The text limitation is also pretty miserable for someone like me who loves talking a LOT on my posts. It also has a really weird HUGE hit or miss gap between art posts, and I feel like the amount of followers or comments you get per successful art post is far fewer than Tumblr, though others may have different experiences. It IS good for connecting to a less English and tbh far less America-centric community though ^ ^;

I personally prefer to use Tumblr as my main art posting platform for several reasons, some simply because I’ve been more successful here and that’s motivation to continue, and some also just because of what I post. This was the first fandom social media I was really active on, and I’ve been active for YEARS and have sloooooooooooooowly but steadily gained more success, bit by tiny bit through various fandoms (so yeah, tons of art posts with only single digit notes? been there, done that WHOO).

Because Tumblr’s been my main social media, I’ve gotten used to formatting my art specifically for it. Almost all of my art uses Tumblr’s ideal image posting proportions (2 width: 3 height, for those wondering, anything taller blurs), and I’ve learned to take advantage of Tumblr’s vertical scrolling to make posts that stand out when you speed scroll. I’m also the kind of artist who again, rarely posts a “look a pretty picture anyone can appreciate” type art, and more “here’s a really obscure hyper specific AU comic that you’ll have to follow all the links and read the text to appreciate,” type work. This latter means that being able to write long comments (and being able to put it beneath a cut), add links to other posts, and properly tag is really important.

I’ve also found that when I personally post this hyper specific content, on Tumblr and only Tumblr of my social media platforms do I get significant feedback. This is almost entirely because my own unique followers are truly amazing and I’m so incredibly grateful to them, but also partially because there’s so many methods of feedback for people at various comfort levels. There’s the askbox, which I can respond to publicly and where people can send anon if that’s easier. There’s IMs, which I can rarely respond to but it’s an option. There’s replies and comments in reblogs of posts. And there’s tags for people who want to ramble but don’t necessarily look for responses from me. The combination of all of these results in quite a decent amount of feedback that I can enjoy ^ ^; And again, this isn’t for every post; I find that art with less specific context, even if it gets exponentially more notes just don’t have the same type of feedback as my more specific content. And experiences will vary heavily between users, but this is just the community that I feel has grown around my own art here (Thank you all, dear followers, you’re all amazing ;A;).

Tumblr’s url is the one stamped on all of my work because it’s the one I’ve created my brand on, it’s the one that contains all of my content as I meant for it to be seen (comments, tags, links to other related posts and all) so it’s the one that most of my reposts on my other social media link to anyway, and also to be blunt, it has many more times the number of followers than all of my other social medias combined >.

Of course, Tumblr has plenty of cons too. As noted above, but horizontal images are CRAP to post on Tumblr bc they take the least amount of space when you’re vertically scrolling so even it’s a ridiculously huge and detailed long post, it’ll barely blip on most dashes. There’s a limit of 10 images, which can be annoying for me sometimes as a comic artist who has to work around that. Tumblr also does this ridiculously stupid thing where it resizes the image that appears on the dash so it’s really crappy quality and it’s a pain for people to open up the actual resolution image. Tumblr also has, ah, a very specific and rather hostile culture around many things, and depending on what you post you could get a lot of unsavory comments that will be a LOT more rare on other platforms. I’ve found that users on other platforms tend to understand the “You control what you consume,” concept a lot better ^ ^;;;; And given the above various forms of interacting with your followers that I’ve listed above, this also means that people have a variety of tools to make you feel like crap too! And then there’s all that stuff about safety mode going on recently, among other problems. Not a perfect platform, not by a LONG shot.

So which social media platform will be right for you? Again, it really, REALLY depends. If rl people follow you on one or the other and you want or DON’T want them to see it, that’s a factor. If you’re used to talking to your followers on one account and maybe they’d be interested in seeing something else from you, that’s an option. If you want to divide personal from fandom or combine them, that’s a factor. If you prefer more “artistic” or aesthetic art, perhaps instagram and twitter would work far better for you than me. If you have a certain art orientation you prefer, that’s a factor (again: Instagram = square, Twitter = square/landscape, Tumblr = portrait/square). If you want to write a lot of comments or post multi-page work, perhaps Tumblr is better. And of course, it certainly doesn’t hurt to try posting on multiple simultaneously and seeing what works for you, which could be everything! 

But most importantly, please don’t get too discouraged if your work does not immediately get the response you were hoping it’d get. Gaining a following takes time and there are so many factors involved beyond your skill level alone, including the popularity of the fandom if it’s fanart, timeliness, frequency of your posts, and the biggest one is sheer dumb luck. Most if not all followers won’t ever comment. Most of your followers won’t even bother to hit like. It WILL feel exhausting and unrewarding and thankless if you go into it for the notes alone. So please, it’ll be hard but it can be a wonderful and rewarding thing to share things you’ve put your love and passion into, so enjoy drawing, draw what you love, and share because you want to share that feeling ^ ^

Sorry this got SUPER long, but I hope it was somewhat helpful! ^ ^;

[jess-oh]

Reflection

hey journal! 

i had a pretty good day today but it was all ruined so quickly.

i started the day by waking up late and so, i didnt meet linda in time at the fullerton red line stop at 8am this morning and i felt super bad but i chose to just take a lyft instead. i debated on training it up to jenny but by that time. i’d get to church by 10am and i wasnt sure if i would even make it in time so i just decided to take a lyft instead. i made a commitment to come early and although i would be very late, it was better to come a little early than not at all! and i had a good time talking with my lyft driver about church and my busy schedule anyway! and i think i’m getting the hang of finding the balance of listening intently and actually caring for others and sharing my own experiences. as of right now, ive been trying to not share about myself unless prompted to and i think it’s been working so far! im just afraid i’ll end up having a lot of pent up emotions that i never felt comfortable sharing and end up feeling miserable again. but hopefully it doesnt come to that and people just know to ask! but i saw josh, johnathan’s roommate, there again and that was really nice! i got to see amanda and johnathan and josh and p josh and i was glad. and i got to see some familiar faces! like david, austin, rachel, johnny, christine, daniel bang and more! and although, again, i am sad chelsea and angela were missing, im also relieved that they werent there bc i wasnt so afraid of being judged constantly. honestly, jason too. he was also missing and i felt kind of relieved bc although i know he means well when he teases me, it’s slowly spiraling into verbal abuse and i actually do get kind of hurt sometimes. i tend to shrug it off but like when he calls me a “dummy” when i learn about new information, i feel kind of bad. if i knew but forgot, then thats one thing and i know i deserve that. but i literally just found out. why does that warrant or mean im not smart in any way? i’ll probably confront him about it in the near future and as of right now, i do value him as a friend and we have had real, deep conversations with each other, which i do really value and appreciate. and i also dont think i have a real issue in telling him about how i feel. i have been wondering if he’s been wanting to check up on me since i cried when he told me about my flaws. but, he hasnt asked yet so i guess it’s whatever. but then again, we also havent seen each other in a while. it’s been what, two weeks, going on three weeks now? it does feel a bit weird. but then again, even missing just one sunday left me feeling like i’d been gone for such a long time! and though i was a bit stressed at first with the cross conference meeting and meeting so many new freshmen at once, i am really glad and grateful that i got to spend time with everyone today. i didnt pay too much attention to the cross conference meeting as my attention was divided elsewhere but it sounded good for the most part! it sounds like we’ll be selling calligraphy prints, doing a bake sale, and a benefit concert! im excited to see how it all goes! then, johnathan, amanda, p. josh and i went to the college room to prepare and pray over the meeting for the day and it was really nice to just be able to spend that time with them! p josh pitched a game, i couldnt think of anything better and neither could amanda or johnathan, so we just ran with it! johnathan was full of great ideas today, tbh! he had a lot of little afterthoughts that really contributed to the success of the icebreaker today! it was a bit awkward at first but all the freshmen seem to be really close and im excited to see how many of them stay and choose to invest in the community here! oh! i also prayed for the service today pretty on the spot! p josh legit texted me on my way to church and i sheepishly agreed to it. but i was really feeling the music today and my heart feels so much lighter and happier after having gone to vision camp over the weekend with amanda! so when i got up to the front, i tried to go over everything happening today during the service but more importantly, really tried to be real and genuine with the words that i said and i think that i did. and i later asked elsa if it was a good prayer and she said it was so i guess i did pretty well! ^_^ thank you for speaking through me today, God!

Then, i debated on whether or not to go back downtown or stay in Evanston and God made a way! it seemed like Amanda would go home and i felt bad ditching her and choosing to stay in Evanston and possibly spend time with the freshmen but they ended up not coming! haha. but instead, alex cho, austin, briefly d. bang, daniel kwon, yaeji, johnny, johnathan, p. josh, amanda, christine, and esther were there! and im really only “close” with amanda, p. josh, and johnathan but i think through the icebreaker and just studying together today really brought us all closer together! i held a few conversations with christine, i talked to austin about my client work, i joked around with johnny and the others, i gave my opinion to yaeji both while we were waiting at church and while we were studying and overall, i didnt feel very scared or nervous or pressured. i was just there and enjoyed the moment and the opportunity i got to spend with them. and im glad. i do really want to grow closer in my relationship with them all this coming year. and im hoping we can start through the EC retreat this weekend! im stressed beyond belief with all my responsibilities but im also starting to feel better and more optimistic! as i was typing this, jason randomly messaged me and it was just for a test but it meant a lot to me that he would even think of me to do that. i really hope he and angela are doing okay! i cant imagine how hard this must be for him to have his significant other attending a different church when he has been placed by God at lakeview. maybe it wasnt meant to be or maybe angela just needs to grow on her own apart from us. regardless of the reason, i hope shes doing well. but i also want to give her space bc i do feel partly responsible for why she left. at the end of the day, she was just bitter towards everything but i also didnt help the fact either. but i really do hope chelsea and angela are doing okay! i think the best thing i can do now is to just pray for them and lift them up! i want to genuinely care for them and put them first before myself. i know that i’ve been incredibly selfish and prideful in the past but i really do want to do better. i really do. and only by God’s strength may i do that! 

But onto why I was so stressed out earlier. I walked back with Amanda to the train and then took that down with her for most of the ride. We got to know each other on a much deeper level and I want her to know that I will be there for her just as much as she has already been there for me! And I do really hope we can grow deeper in out relationship together. I asked her if she didnt mind sharing why she is such a people pleaser and i learned a lot about her through that! i just paid attention and listened intently and didn’t think of myself at all throughout it. i dont always need to give advice or respond. i just need to be there for her. and i was. so i did. i couldnt relate to her situation but i cared more that she could understand her thought process more than i did about sharing my own feelings. and it did really fill me with joy to do that! im glad we got to spend so much time together and can continue to spend more time together in the near future!

but anyways, she got off at monroe, which was fine, bc i was almost home anyway. BUT, i dont remember exactly where. i think around Roosevelt or maybe Sox-35th...these 4 kids got on and started acting pretty crazily. They were ripping the plastic screen protectors off the windows of the train and rolling them up. Presumably to use later but just to have fun, they started whacking each other with the pieces of plastic. and i was kinda shocked at myself for feeling somewhat paralyzed in the moment and scared. it wasnt bc they were black. it was just bc i didnt know what to do! i was afraid of how they would react or what they would do to me if i spoke up and said something! so instead, i just turned a blind eye and did my best to focus my attention elsewhere and simply look out the window! and i did almost get hit when 2 of the kids were hitting each other on opposing sides of the window and i think thats when the kid next to me noticed me. he was probably about 8 or so years old. he was definitely a child while the others were a bit older ranging from 8-16. but as i tried to politely leave, he grazed my butt with his plastic roll and from behind me, i heard him say, “haha, i touched that girl’s booty!” and i did feel a bit violated but i could chalk that up to being an accident if i really wanted to. so then i waited for my stop and it felt like the longest ride in between the two stops. but i waited and just did my best to ignore the kid and look out the window, ready to leave. to which, he definitely purposefully hit my butt again with the plastic, underneath my buttcheeks and said something along the lines of, “see ya, babe.” and i just sheepishly/nervously smiled and quickly left. and my thoughts were running pretty fast. i was in such shock and didnt think it would bother me as much as it did. i think the fact it was a kid and not an older man to which i actually really did feel helpless was nice but the fact that i was just physically sexually harassed at all surprised me. and i have been catcalled before but this was different! i felt so violated. he knew what he was doing and was proud of himself for having touched me. i felt violated. and i still do. i worry about what my first time having sex will be like if this is how i react to getting touched on the train. but anyways, i quickly told amanda and later my group chat with jordan and tykira and i was worried that they would brush it off and tell me it was no big deal. so i was pretty surprised when they were concerned for my safety and wellbeing instead. to which i responded that i was okay, just shocked. but their genuine concern meant a lot to me! i still cant really believe that happened and i had a really hard time concentrating or focusing on the lyrics of praise songs so i just prayed to God instead about how i do trust somewhere that this experience happened to me for a reason and it could have been a lot worse than it was but it wasnt. it happened and im here and i just have to accept it and move on. i dont know what was going on in that kid’s life and the best thing i can do is to just pray for him and wish him the best.

and finally, i slipped on this but the bathroom flooded at church today and idk who did it or when but i was honestly prepared to leave at first, had it not been for an ahjumma that came in and noticed the mess. and idk... something about that triggered something within me and i quickly ran to get a mop from the MPR and clean it up! it wasnt mine to clean and im sure someone else would have done it later. but for the time being, it was there and it was a mess and getting in the way of everyone’s restroom experience so i took initiative and cleaned up the mess. and honestly, a part of me hoped that p josh or yaeji or amanda or someone would see me or wonder why im taking so long and ask what i was doing. to which, i could humble brag and say i cleaned the restrooms faithfully though it was not my responsibility to do so. but no one asked or noticed my leave of absence. so i ended up just telling amanda instead and she didnt respond very enthusiastically which made me realize that i had made an error in my ways. and now im here, reporting it and reflecting upon it! 

but yeah! thats where im at now! i was about to post this but then p josh messaged me about meetups and i started talking to him and im just really so blessed to have gotten to know him so much better over the summer and i reall yam excited to work with him this coming school year! i do believe that he has grown, a lot. and i am very proud of him. thank you for blessing and placing me here, God! I know i was weary at first but i really am so much happier here than i could have ever imagined!