#and no chay x macau agenda for me

[aprilblossomgirl]

Kim & Chay - Emotional Turmoil

The perks of having a layered show, we were presented with the spectrum of events with the complexity of the characters, which we can't easily compartmentalize. Some parts might be appealing to some, while different parts more to others. In episode 11, I found my attention snatched by Kim-Chay's emerging conflict amidst the heavy focus on Vegas-Pete arcs and Kinn-Porsche's post-family-approval honeymoon phase. The episode signified peak emotional turmoil for both Kim and Chay, each for different reasons, with some intersecting points yet to be revealed.

After the "rejection" scene, I first couldn't fully grasp how I actually felt about these two boys. On automatic response, though, my heart breaks for both of them. This excellent meta post by @luckydragon10 about Kim and isolation very well explained my thoughts on Kim and why he behaved and reacted the way he did. After reading the post, I was motivated to dive more into my thoughts about Kim-Chay.

Fair warning: this will mostly based on my perspective and interpretation of their scenes and acting. While I don't intend to draw on the theory of MBTI, I need to say up front that I will use a 'feeler' spectrum hat in trying to see things from both Kim's and Chay's positions. They might not conform to any projection on how these characters should or should not be presented in the show.

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Chay's Breakdown

Let's start with Chay. The boy definitely has too much on his plate to digest. First, being kidnapped when seconds ago he just happily prepared a meal for Kim at home after snuggling all night (was it really, or was it a short nap only?). Second, right after being saved (not knowing it's by Kim himself), he finally learned about his brother's involvement in a mafia world related to his kidnapping. Third, with a sudden move into the Theerapanyakul estate, he needs to also enter the mafia family himself. Fourth, the shock from learning about Kim being the youngest of the Theerapanyakul brothers. Fifth (I'm speculating on this one), the realization of the motives behind Kim's guitar tutoring now seems to be not as genuine as Chay would like. And sixth, that straightforward "Have you ever loved me?" "I'm sorry."

When I first saw Chay standing at the edge of the swimming pool, waiting for Porsche, my heart sunk a little. This was Chay's first appearance in the episode, and I think we all can see the stark difference in Chay's facial expression from the previous episodes. The usual cheerfulness and awkward innocence were wiped off.

I appreciate the dialogue between him and Porsche addressing Porsche's decision to take the bodyguard job first. I noticed a slight tension between them, and while I personally did not take Porsche reassurance really well, Chay definitely did or at least tried hard to. I also love seeing Porsche ask Chay for permission to take care of both him and Kinn and that he can't leave anyone behind. And Chay, being usually straightforward with his feeling and reaction, answered with a hug and an "I miss you, brother" instead of a yes/no. Their hug at the end supposedly offered warmth, but the missing smile from Chay made my heart sink a little deeper. Well, okay, he slightly smiled but didn't quite reach the eyes as one during their hug in episode 1.

Now jump into Kim's place, where Chay confronted him about everything. Okay, I was a mess here. So let's cut things to where Kim left the crying Chay behind: the boy is heartbroken. Chay sure knows what does it means to answer a yes/no question with anything but a yes or no, with letting go a hand instead of giving a hug. But who really knows what's inside Kim's fortress (as many people called it).

That's it. And do I not want to smack Kim with Tankhun's tray? Out of the question. But it can wait. No picture of crying Chay here, I'm not sorry.

Kim's Back Down

Now we look into Kim. The meta post I mentioned at the beginning perfectly outlined the reasons behind Kim's actions toward Chay, to all of which I couldn't agree more. So I just wanted to add my personal take on him.

First, out of all the six main characters of KP, I must say Kim is the hardest to read. With their minimal screen-time, I must say it's easier to read Chay. But maybe this' factoring to how Chay is presented: expressive, honest, and straightforward. Most of the time, Kim was presented with cool/cold, nonchalance mannerism which always ended up in me asking, "what the hell is this guy thinking?" But then we had these two opposite sides of him: the softest and the (not so) grimmest. Both related to Chay: when Chay hugged him and when Chay was kidnapped. This might not be enough to signify Chay's importance to Kim, but I'd take all of that.

Second, now the reason why he 'i'm sorry'-ed Chay, I'm speculating it has something to do with the investigation that he's been conducting. Before the swimming pool scene between Porsche and Chay, we were shown that Kim had a hand in the case of the Kittisawasd parents' accident. So it might trigger him to finally cut things off with Chay, something he should've done earlier. But of course, he couldn't resist Chay. If my assumption is correct, he's already felt guilty for letting himself get involved too far with Chay. Tutoring and approaching him while digging for information about Porsche already felt bad enough. He couldn't imagine what staying in whatever he had with Chay while investigating the possible connection between Chay's parent's death and his own father would do any good.

Third, this is where I wanted to come back to the discussion of Kim and isolation. So far, the show only told about Kim's physical distance from the main family but never told us why he chose be away. Did something bad happen to him before, just like Tankhun's kidnapping? Not that the show had mentioned. Did he catch something off about his father or the rivalry between the main and minor families early on? And if so, how? This, I could see as the possible reason for him to isolate himself from his own family. Maybe to give him more 'space' and freedom to investigate everything? Like Tankhun said, Kim's nosy. He might be away from the family but still care enough about them in his own way. I would like to believe so.

As someone within a rather extreme introversion spectrum, I can say that being too used to (self) isolation, once confronted with anything related to feelings, it is possible to automatically shut yourself away from the people you need to confront the feelings with. You've unconsciously trained yourselves to avoid making deeper connections with people, and as a result, you would develop constant reluctance and fear of being in a close relationship. You would end up rejecting or pushing people away despite longing for the connection, and longing for the person themselves. I could sense the awkwardness and tension behind Kim's cold, nonchalance front that he put on while backing down from Chay implied all of these. Or maybe it's just me. I've prepared to be wrong.

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So, will there be any reconciliation? At this point, I'm not so sure. Chay needs his time to process his acceptance of having his full plate. Confronting Kim again soon might have a reverse effect on this process. As for Kim, I couldn't imagine him not coming back to his family and taking the matters involving his family and the Kittisawasd's incident into his own hands than fully entrusting the case to his brother(s). Dealing with whatever (feelings) he has for Chay right now will only distract him more than support his mission.

Yes, I wanted Kim to apologize to Chay. Yes, I wanted Chay to not too easily forgive Kim. Yes, I wanted the older brothers to give Kim a hard time for hurting Chay, and I wanted them to defend Chay with all their might. But I don't think that's how their dynamics work. There are 'works' to be done in their respective space before any apology and forgiveness could meet. And I will stop here.

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KP consistently provides us with layered and complex characters, including Kim and Chay. Trying to empathize with each of them within their given bubble gave me a sense of understanding of why they behaved or reacted in certain ways. This is not to justify any wrongdoings from real-life perspectives, no matter how lightly it seems. It's more to understand how these imperfect characters within this fictional boundary will be played back into the show's central themes: a story of romance and crime in a mafia setting. And please remember (not to spoil any fun, but it's proven through the episodes): plot twists do happen.

Kim and Chay might be the least favorite pairing at this point, but I can't help letting these pent-up feels out of my chest. Of course, I had no intention to go this long, but now they were all out, I am relieved. For my possible incoherence, please do let me know if there're somethings that I might miss to pick up from the dynamics of this pairing.

[deankirk]

KinnPorsche is ending this saturday and we don't know when/if we are getting a season 2. That means I'll survive of rewatches and fics.

So here's my fic wishlist:

1. More bottom Kinn fics, all praise to the switch agenda.

2. More dark KinnPorsche, with more blood and violence and actually mafia plots.

3. More domestic kinn x porsche, i also wanna see their happy married life.

4. I once had a thought, and It was hot, of a Tay/Kinn/Time fic, where they were so worried about the Kinn/Tawan break up that they decided to fuck him, yk just to cheer him up.

5. Kinn/Big. I just need to read it. Big deserves it. Big earned it. I just need to read my babe Big being railed by Kinn.

6. I need at least one (1) Kinn/Pete fic. Don't ask me why.

7. Kinn/Porsche/Vegas, and i want it to be fucked up and toxic, thank you.

8. Kinn was the real villain all the time fic.

9. Kinn/Vegas fics. You can judge me, my first bf was actually my cousin.

10. Thankhun, haven't forget him. I don't actually ship him with anyone, but who knows.

11. The Theerapanyakul brothers. I wanna see their interactions, wanna see them love or hate each others, care about or betray each others, but give me their stories.

12. Kinn and Chay interactions. Kinn being the one giving Chay a sex talk or relationship advice.

13. Porsche and Pete friendship. Chaotic bros.

14. As for VegasPete: i would love to read a fic where Vegas tries to gain Petes forgiveness by making amends with Kinn, bc this is the biggest proof he can give of his love for Pete.

15. Kid fics. Good kid fics. Make the Theerapanyakul family a big kindergarten.

16. Arm and Pol. ArmPol. I want to read their love storie but I also would love to read about their pov of the main stories.

17. Killing Lady who almost killed Kinn in EP 2. Anything with her.

18. Porsche hiring a team of female bodyguards to protect Kinn.

19. Kinn and Vegas working together because of their husbands.

20. The whole Tay/Time/Tem drama.

21. Tay my beloved. I want to read more of him. What about that Tay/Vegas thing?

22. I honestly don't know how to feel about KimChay, maybe a older Chay coming back into Kim life and they figuring out how they feel about each other.

23. Kinn coming out stories. His first kiss, his first time. He's my fave character, i would read almost anything about him.

24. The moms, I NEED TO KNOW MORE ABOUT THEM. Fics where they're alive, just give me the moms.

25. Thankhun and Yok friendship. They running the bar together maybe.

26. Gun Theerapanyakul A+ parenting. Give me all the Vegas angst.

27. Vegas and Macau relationship. Vegas being a good big bro to him.

28. A fic where Macau is just a sweet guy who wants nothing with the mafia and all the Theerapanyakuls make it their mission to give him a normal life, even Thankhun.

29. PWPs. I love them. Kinn and Porsche being horny, passionate, jealous, codependent, manipulating, and all of this leading to sex.

30. Morally dubious Porsche and/or Pete. Give me Hannigram vibes with KinnPorsche and/or VegasPete.