#and rachel -g od. god rachel

[nachtare]

anyway there might be a lot of murder. like a lot. like a lot a lot of murder in Worm. but i think at the end of the day the moral of Worm is to love your friends real hard.

[britomart]

ok helloo i wasn’t sure if i was going to post this but i listed them out anyway so here it is,,,, more or less every book i read in 2021 (under the cut for ridiculous length)

a study in scarlet by arthur conan doyle, slouching towards bethlehem, the miniaturist by jessie burton, the stranger by albert camus, dirk gently’s holistic detective agency by douglas adams, the double by fyodor dostoevsky, the kite runner by khaled hosseini, the empress of salt and fortune by nghi vo, one day in the life of ivan denisovich by aleksandr solzhenitsyn, rhubaiyat of omar khayyam, say nothing by patrick radden keefe, the martian by andy weir, my sister the serial killer by oyinkan braithwaite, the last wish by andrzej spakowski, the martian by andy weir, flowers for algernon by daniel keyes, night sky with exit wounds by ocean vuong, the sailor who fell with grace from the sea by yukio mishima, the yellow wallpaper by charlotte perkins gilman, the adventures of sherlock holmes by arthur conan doyle, crush by richard siken, stoner by john williams, the buried giant by kazuo ishiguro, frog and toad are friends by arnold lobel, ruin and rising by leigh bardugo, the perks of being a wallflower by stephen chbosky, the communist manifesto by marx and engels, never let me go by kazuo ishiguro, always human by ari north, heartstopper by alice oseman, red white and royal blue by casey mcquiston, perceval by chretien de troyes, these witches don’t burn by isabel sterling, princess princess ever after by kay o’neill, lord of the flies by william golding, legendborn by tracy deonn, the lais of marie de france, diary of a cricket god by shamini flint, if not winter: fragments of sappho translated by anne carson, bloom by kevin panetta, kiki’s delivery service by eiko kadono, something to talk about by meryl wilsner, normal people by sally rooney, useless magic by florence welch, giovanni’s room by james baldwin, letters to a young poet by rainer maria rilke, interior chinatown by charles yu, the umbrella academy by gerard way, king artus translated by curt leviant, solitaire by alice oseman, the tea dragon society by kay o’neill, let all the children boogie by sam j. miller, sir gawain and the green knight (various translations), dutch romances iii: five interpolated romances from the lancelot compilation, morien translated by jessie weston, watchmen by alan moore, growing up aboriginal in australia edited by anita heiss, the borrowed by chan ho-kei, the tale of two lovers by aeneas sylvius piccolomini, love in the time of cholera by gabriel garcia marquez, the complete poems of william blake, the catcher in the rye by j.d. salinger, the waves by virginia woolf, the scarlet letter by nathaniel hawthorne, oscar wilde and a death of no importance by gyles brandreth, a portrait of the artist as a young man by james joyce, the wind in the willows by kenneth grahame, odes to common things by pablo neruda, the promised neverland by kaiu shirai, fifth sun by camilla townsend, the poetry of pablo neruda, are you listening? by tillie walden, if beale street could talk by james baldwin, the color purple by alice walker, this one summer by mariko tamaki, a certain hunger by chelsea g. summers, the years by virginia woolf, lore olympus by rachel smythe, the mysterious affair at styles by agatha christie, le lai de lanval by marie de france, murder on the links by agatha christie, mary ventura and the ninth kingdom by sylvia plath, the unbearable lightness of being by milan kundera, the last unicorn by peter s. beagle, post-laureate idyls by oscar fay adams, complete poems and selected letters of john keats, if they come for us by fatimah asghar, white tears/brown scars by ruby hamad, thousand cranes by yasunari kawabata, sonnets from the portuguese by elizabeth barrett browing, simon vs the homo sapiens agenda, in the blood by melbourne tapper, kairo-ko by natsume soseki, the arthurian handbook by norris j. lacy, passing by nella larsen, minor feelings by cathy park hong, carol by patricia highsmith, jews dont count by david baddiel, picnic at hanging rock by joan lindsay, black cats and four leaf clovers by harry oliver, because the internet by gretchen mcculloch, strangers on a train by patricia highsmith, wolf children by mamoru hosoda, richard iii by william shakespeare, 2001: a space odyssey by arthur c. clarke, the time machine by h.g. wells, gone with the wind by margaret mitchell, norse mythology by neil gaiman, howl’s moving castle by diane wynne jones, ziggy stardust and me by james brandon, the boy the mole the fox and the horse by charlie murray, the secret world of arriety by hiromasa yonebayashi, loveless by alice oseman, mrs dalloway by virginia woolf, the crucible by arthur miller, the day of the triffids by john wyndham, where angels fear to tread by e.m. forster, lancelot and the lord of the distant isles by patricia terry, summer of salt by katrina leno, go tell it on the mountain by james baldwin, pride and prejudice by janes austen, the rise and fall of the dinosaurs by steve brusatte, the bell jar by sylvia plath, the little prince by antoine de saint-exupery, oliver twist by charles dickens, the song remains the same by andrew ford and anni heino, the post office girl by stefan zweig, moll flanders by daniel defoe, a room with a view by e.m. forster, of mice and men by john steinbeck, rita hayworth and the shawshank redemption by stephen king, willow by mariko tamaki, at the clinic by sally rooney, fierce femmes and notorious liars by kai cheng thom, an artist of the floating world by kazuo ishiguro, close range by annie proulx, fear by stefan zweig, much ado about nothing by william shakespeare, call me by your name by andre aciman, six of crows by leigh bardugo, clap when you land by elizabeth acevedo, the joy luck club by amy tan, between the acts by virginia woolf, the narrative of john smith by arthur conan doyle, we need to talk about kevin by lionel shriver, the way of the househusband by kousuke oono, the fourteenth letter by claire evans, selected stories by stefan zweig, nick and charlie by alice oseman, the fellowship of the ring by j.r.r. tolkien, the humans by matt haig, no one is talking about this by patricia lockwood, the age of innocence by edith wharton, on a sunbeam by tillie walden, my year of rest and relaxation by ottessa moshfegh, wonder by r.j. palacio, reasons to stay alive by matt haig, the well of loneliness by radclyffe hall, how to do nothing by jenny odell, the charioteer by mary renault, the henna wars by adiba jaigirdar, darkness at noon by arthur koestler, a wizard of earthsea by ursula k. le guin, the story of galahad by mary blackwell sterling, the tombs of atuan by ursula k le guin, david copperfield by charles dickens, such a fun age by kiley reid, lancelot by giles kristian, carry on by rainbow rowell, scoop by evelyn waugh, the story of hong gildong, a handful of dust by evelyn waugh, a little life by hanya yanagihara, the necessary arthur by garth nix, the arthurian legends by richard barber, romeo and juliet by william shakespeare, stamped from the beginning by ibram x kendi, when breath becomes air by paul kalanthi, the fire never goes out by noelle stevenson, kafka on the shore by haruki murakami, kokoro by natsume soseki, delayed rays of a star by amanda lee koe, radio silence by alice oseman, by gaslight by steven price, perfect little world by kevin wilson, wayward son by rainbow rowell, blind willow sleeping woman by haruki murakami, hani and ishu’s guide to fake dating by adiba jaigirdar, taproot by keezy young, ready player one by ernest cline, the gentleman’s guide to vice and virtue by mackenzi lee, le morte d’arthur by thomas malory, nocturnes by kazuo ishiguro, lucky’s by andrew pippos, the magic fish by trung le nguyen, swimming in the dark by tomasz jedrowski, love by roddy doyle, only mostly devastated by sophie gonzales, i was born for this by alice oseman, the invisible man by h.g. wells, spinning by tillie walden, the three musketeers by alexandre dumas, all quiet on the western front by erich maria remarque, perfect on paper by sophie gonzales, parsnips buttered by joe lycett, we were liars by e. lockart, the farthest shore by ursula k. le guin, convenience store woman by sayaka murata, arsene lupin by maurice leblanc, scott pilgrim by bryan lee o’malley, miss carter’s war by sheila hancock, selected letters of virginia woolf, the prophet by kahlil gibran, siddhartha by herman hesse, less by andrew sean greer, reservoir dogs screenplay by quentin tarantino, peta lyre’s rating normal by anna whateley, the hound of the baskerville by arthur conan doyle, inherit the wind by jerome lawrence and robert e lee, the nine cloud dream by kim man-jung, trainspotting by irvine welsh, withnail and i screenplay by bruce robinson, america is in the heart by carlos bulosan, beach read by emily henry, steppenwolf by herman hesse, balzac and the little chinese seamstress by dai sijie, true history of the kelly gang by peter carey, one last stop by casey mcquiston, speaker for the dead by orson scott card, klara and the sun by kazuo ishiguro, the eye of the world by robert jordan, the autobiography of malcolm x as told by alex haley, the two towers by j.r.r tolkien, arsene lupin vs herlock sholmes by maurice leblanc, layamon’s arthur, all systems red by martha wells, mucha by patrick bade, macbeth by shakespeare, perfume by patrick suskind, the grapes of wrath by john steinbeck, collisions: a liminal anthology, the hours by michael cunningham, growing up disabled in australia edited by carly findlay, the betrayals by bridget collins, live and let die by ian fleming, crazy rich asians by kevin kwan, good omens by terry pratchett and neil gaiman, this train is being held by ismee williams, the shape of water by andrea camilleri, the war in the air by h.g. wells, the end of men by christina sweeney-baird, the terracotta dog by andrew camilleri, the moon and sixpence by w somerset maugham, girl woman other by bernadine evaristo, ace of spades by faridah abike-iyimide, sir launfal by thomas chestre, androcles and the lion by bernard shaw, absalom absalom! by william faulkner, crooked kingdom by leigh bardugo, one of us is lying by karen m mcmanus, honeybee by craig silvey, anywhere but earth edited by keith stevenson, first love and other stories by ivan turgenev, no country for old men by cormac mccarthy, annihilation by jeff vandermeer, the road by cormac mccarthy, the duel by aleksandr kuprin, the awakening by kate chopin, the fall by albert camus, a new day yesterday by mike barnes, mort by terry pratchett, view with a grain of sand by wislawa szymborska, no exit and other plays by jean-paul satre, the godfather by mario puzo, tomorrow when the war began by john marsden, the faerie queene by edmund spenser, this poison heart by kalynn bayron, sunlight and seaweed by tim falnnery, aristotle and dante discover the secrets of the universe by benjamin alire saenz, robinson crusoe by daniel defoe, the heart is a lonely hunter by carson mccullers, the great hunt by robert jordan, scythe by neal shusterman, collected poems of w.b. yeats, dead souls by nikolai gogol, the happiest refugee by anh do, yvain the knight with the lion by chretien de troyes, pachinko by min jin lee, she who became the sun by shelley parker-chan, the memory police by yoko ogawa, the last days of judas iscariot by stephen adly guirgis, moby dick by herman melville, selected stories of anton chekhov, sailor moon by naoko takeuchi, king arthur’s death edited by larry d benson, the brothers karamazov by fyodor dostoevsky, the silmarillioin by jrr tolkien, kim jiyoung by cho nam-koo, lady susan by jane austen, cranford by elizabeth gaskell, dune by frank herbert, the divine comedy by dante aligheri, silas marner by george eliot, brute by emily skaja, the old man and the sea by ernest hemingway, the lowland by jhumpa lahiri, slaughterhouse-five by kurt vonnegut, relativity the special and general theory by albert einstein, the end of everything by katie mack, lancelot the knight of the cart by chretien de troyes, eugene onegin by alexander pushkin, bonds of brass by emily skrutskie, murders in the rue morgue by edgar allan poe, the lair of the white worm by bram stoker, the legend of sleepy hollow and other stories by washington irving, the perilous cemetery edited by nancy b black, the call of cthulu and other weird stories by h.p. lovecraft, the princess bride by william goldman, the love hypothesis by ali hazelwood, hamlet by william shakespeare, illuminations by arthur rimbaud, the sign of four by arthur conan doyle, the castle of otranto by horace walpole, the other black girl by zakiya dalila harris, malory’s contemporary audience by thomas h crofts, fight club by chuck palahniuk, french romance medieval sweden and the europeanisation of culture by sofia loden, pale fire by vladimir nabokov, speak okinawa by elizabeth miki brina, james acaster’s classic scrapes, tears sighs and laughter: expressions of emotions in the middle ages edited by per fornegard, the queen’s gambit by walter tevis, the amazing adventures of kavalier and clay by michael chabon, in deeper waters by f.t. lukens, darius the great is not okay by adib khorram, enemy of all mankind by steven johnson, blue period by tsubasa yamaguchi, slow days fast company by eve babitz, middlemarch by george eliot, the stone rose by jacqueline rayner, goblin market by christina rossetti, legends of camelot by jacqueline rayner, the grand inquisitor by fyodor dostoevsky, the lady of shalott by alfred lord tennyosn, the krillitane storm by christopher cooper, grit by silas denver melvin, the ones who walk away from omelas by ursula k le guin, scientific autobriography and other papers by max planck, the forged coupon and other stories by leo tolstoy, rose by russell t davies, brideshead revisited by evelyn waugh, if cats disappeared from the world by genki kawamura, the mill on the floss by george eliot, priestdaddy by patricia lockwood, the hidden reality by brian greene, the memoirs of sherlock holmes by arthur conan doyle, classic mechanics by leonard susskind and george hrabovksy, the raven boys by maggie stiefvater,  the ruby’s curse by alex kingston, the borgias by paul strathern, north and south by elizabeth gaskell, jane eyre by charlotte bronte, how music works by david byrne, far from the madding crowd by thomas hardy, anxious people by frederik backman, journey’s end by r.c. sherriff, le chevalier as deus espees edited by paul vincent rockwell, dune messiah by frank herbert, gone girl by gillian flynn, white noise by don delillo, blood of elves by andrzej sapkowski, the highlanders by gerry davis, the underwater menace by nigel robinson, either/or by soren kierkegaard, doctor who and the cybermen by gerry davis, piranesi by susanna clarke, breasts and eggs by mieko kawakami, rendezvous with rama by arthur c clarke, the sea by john banville, the basketball diaries by jim carroll, the dry heart by natalia ginzburg, there is confusion by jessie redmon fauset, wiating for godot by samuel beckett, babette’s feast by isak dinesen, & ms ice sandwich by mieko kawakami

aand that’s it! ! thanks for reading? thanks for reading my reading? idk hnjrnjjs

[nunc-flore]

have some concept playlists !!

chill in various moods and genres!

chill in classickal [ when music gets so good u wanna straight up eat it ]

chill in celthicc [ breeng thy begpeipe lass ]

chill in archaic [ enjoy your symposium lads ]

chill in swing [ feelin pretentious today? i got u fam ]

chill in techno [ when the world sucks. no exceptions. ]

chill in arab [ beautiful tunez from the lands of the sun ]

chill in lo-fi [ beep boop bzzt? ]

chill in medieval ballads [ smasheth thou instrumenth, brother]

chill in funk [ funk up lads]

chill in indie [ your raw tenderness starter-pack]

don’t chill in punk [ oi! oi! oi! ]

chill in 80s bops [ what is technicolor if not a digital rainbow ]

chill in norse [ Heill þú farir! heill þú aftr komir! heill þú á sinnum sér! ]

chill in soul [it’s not the waking it’s the rising // nina cried power]

chill in 70s wood-chopping jams (still a stub) [chill, man]

chill in opera [ angelic crowds chanting "he needs some milk" ]

chill in jazz (still a stub) [ sweet music playing in the dark ]

chill in 20s-to-50s music that's not jazz nor swing nor soul [dance and drink like it's the 20s y'all (please stay clear of all the nationalism and the crippling sense of collective doom, thank you) ]

chill in yeehaw [ april is the cruellest month, ain't it? ]

chill in ye olde shanty [ a-hoy captain! ]

and many more, as time goes by!

actual concept playlists

summer indie - guitar themed tracks about life and death and all that’s in between

ingenium voluntatis - r e d  y e a r n i n g  but make it existential. it starts well but something happens. probably society and its non-sense rules. 

the apocalypse and other related catastrophes, merrily told by yours truly - the world is ending and shit is going down. but is it? are you certain this is the world and not some other unnameable thing? are you already dead? is it the apocalypse you dreamed, the one you’ve been waiting for, or is it too slow-boiled? deathly, rotting acceptance of the end of times, with a hint of child-like storytelling.

gotta go FAST -  it’s 34°C. the streets are a desert. you’re 20 minutes late. run.

daydreaming on main - can we stay like this forever? lost in a neo-classical painting, full of celestial things, and symmetry, dreaming away.

dreamy drum pop - is it a dream? are you in love with a dream, in the street of some ancient, modern city, following their shadow? or are you just having a bad case of hypotension? we may never know.

an evening in beige - cruelly posh but in a classy, bitter, hollow way

ready for the lazarus pit, shaka-brah! - a collection to sell your soul to a demonic entity of your choosing to. mostly dark techno, but with a classical twist.

chillin! - or the "dude put on some good music" playlist - when you’re chilling with laid-back pals and they ask you to put on some music and you need a quick, safe, society-tolerable playlist to hit shuffle on and leave there

sweet music playing in the dark - jazz n stuff, some old gems. also, the songs quoted by Almost (Sweet Music) by Hozier.

time. - feel the flow of endless thing going by. the clock is ticking, but what the hell is time, anyway?

audiobooks!! - it’s what it says on the tin, my dudes. including: macbeth, metamorphosis, orlando, the call of cthulhu, iliade, the time machine, the tell-tale heart, the black cat, dr. jekyll and mr.hyde, pride and prejudice, black beauty, treasure island, the phantom of the opera, de profundis, frankenstein, carmilla, beowulf, dracula, the raven

fuck this, keep running - from society. from civilization. it’s just you and your ideas against the world, kid. let’s go give them hell. they will never take us alive. 

oh gee golly what a disaster - oh, this is bad. //  that's so sad alexa play this playlist

a witch in the woods - in the throat of the forest, whispered chants and incantations. it’s the voice of the survivors, the ones that escaped the pyre. hush now and dream.

till the end of the world and back - it’s ride or die. the cavalry's here and it's here to stay. 

italian oldies - italian culture. every italian i've ever met knows every single one of these by heart somehow.

:))))))) - am i happy? am i on the edge of a mental breakdown? have i gone completly insane? gee golly! who knows

stars, who am i? - did someone say existential crisis?

personal hyperuranium - my happy, serene place. when everything is too much close your eyes and listen to this. 

young punks, get off my lawn - wreaking havoc with ur gang  / girl gang.

self torment - me @ myself: why r u like this

razzle dazzle jazzle - you like jazz? 

knightess in a shining armor - heroines with swords, here’s to you

playlists inspired by stuff!

songs to be a flamboyant asshole to - swag walk. i blame anthony jantony crowley for this. 

the mad prophet - loosely inspired by friedrich nietzsche’s theories

the star traveller - laugh hard, run fast, be kind // inspired by the thirteenth doctor

getting to it, that's not the hard part. it's letting go. - i left my heart, 3 friends, and 37 gold bars in the sierra madre // inspired by Fallout New Vegas - Dead Money

pew-pew // (i'm three ounces of whoop-ass) - "Another female operative broke into my house and attacked me." "What did she want?"  "Dinner." | a killing eve playlist

les mis, les amis - those brave fellows. honestly, squad goals.

prince(ss) of verona - inspired by a theatrical performance of Romeo and Juliet, in which the prince of verona was. well. she was powerful.

can't stop, won't stop - healing boost of healthy, uplifting electro music comin your way! ispired by Overwatch’s Lúcio Correia dos Santos 

chloe eliz4bet2 price m0od - hella punk but also hella sad // inspired by chloe price, from life is strange

rachel amber mood - hey i've just met you and this is crazy but heres my number so let's burn down a forest maybe // inspired by rachel amber, from life is strange

musical journeys!

a Comedy. | a musical journey. - someone falls from grace and gets thrown into the world. lands in a forest. confused, resolves to survive at any cost. killing, stealing, partying, fleeing, living. eventually, with time, discovers a gentler, happier way to live. they still throw the best parties. doing no harm, taking no shit.

calliope bae gimme a hand wouldn't ya: a musical journey - a tale of poets: young tragedies and cursed gods; laughs and fights; transcendental roadtrips and hellhounds; parties and their aftermath.

[junker-town]

'The Bachelor' finale recap: Pretty sure Nick and Vanessa hate each other and Rachel’s season is already a train wreck

What even HAPPENED last night?!

It’s here. It’s finally here. We made it through an entire season of The Bachelor and have arrived at the finale — a sporting event as important as the Super Bowl, the World Series, the Masters, the U.S. Open, the Kentucky Derby, and the NBA Finals all rolled into one. We are so close (hopefully) to never again having to watch Nick Viall’s “handsome software salesman” face on our TVs every Monday night.

Oh, wait, except that we will see his face. Because this professional Bachelor is going on ABC’s Dancing With The Stars starting next week, since he can no longer be the Bachelor. I mean, he could, but sweet Jesus, it’d be a bad look if he went home without putting a ring on someone’s finger. I’m almost 100 percent sure it’s going to be Vanessa’s. She’s the image rehab he desperately needs: She’s his age, beautiful, and has a Big Heart, as evidenced by her job as a special needs teacher.

ANYWAY, HERE WE GO! BUCKLE UP, BECAUSE THIS SEASON IS ABOUT TO COMMENCE AND WE ARE ABOUT TO FIND OUR WINNER!

We start with Chris “Crest White Strips” Harrison on a live set. He’s having an absolute ball in the spotlight. This dude gets, like, three moments a season to really shine, and the shiniest is the live “After The Final Rose” show that airs post-finale, when he gets to ask the newly betrothed how happy they are to be, well, trothed.

He keeps telling us that “SOMETHING THAT HAS NEVER HAPPENED BEFORE IN BACHELOR HISTORY IS GOING TO OCCUR ON THIS STAGE LATER!”

And I’m like, what could it be? Do they interview the winner about her career aspirations? Do we get to have a meaningful conversation about the construct of reality TV and what we, as a society, expect from women and men in terms of modern day relationship?

I’m not holding my breath.

IT’S OFF TO FINLAND AGAIN, HERE WE GO

We’re still in goddamn Finland. Like, I knew we were gonna be, but then we keep going back to this beautiful, arctic wasteland and I’m like “Oh, my God, we’re really still here.”

You know who else is here? Nick’s entire family. They all flew to the Arctic Circle for this, including his little sister Bella. This 11-year-old has been on TV due to this stupid show so often that I am close to calling child services and being like, “Yo, is it healthy for a kid to grow up thinking you find True Love by going on The Bachelor and getting your heart publicly broken?”

Anyway, Raven shows up and they all start drinking, obviously. She already met his family when they went to his hometown of Waukesha, Wis., so she’s like hey guys, good to see you in Finland (which, to be fair, seems a lot like Wisconsin). Nick’s mom Mary takes a huge swig of wine as she gives Raven some side eye.

“It’s been emotional,” Mary says. “The other times were hard on him, we got to witness that. It wasn’t easy.”

This beautiful lady is turning 58. Happy Bday Mom. #family

A post shared by Nick Viall (@nickviall) on Nov 27, 2016 at 3:42pm PST

I’m like — hey, maybe you should’ve told your son not to become a professional Bachelor. Maybe you should’ve staged an intervention. Maybe this is all your fault, Mom.

Nick’s parents say they like Raven, but you can tell that they’re actually like, eh.

There are dead animal skins hanging on the walls and covering all the furniture. ABC clearly rented out some AirBnB in suburban Finland and the producers were like, “just throw some roadkill on it, it’ll fool everyone into thinking we’re way deeper in the woods than we actually are.”

VANESSA MEETS THE FAM AND NO ONE CAN STOP CRYING

Nick’s family won’t shut up about Nick’s track record of failing on this show, and we’re like we get it, he’s fucked this up before.

Vanessa sticks the landing when she meets his family. She hits a home run. She scores a touchdown. She says all the right things and has Nicks’ mom crying within five minutes. Then she talks to his dad, and they both just start weeping.

This is very informative. It turns out that Nick’s incessant crying throughout the whole season is genetic. Over three seasons of this, the Viall family has now shed more tears on TV more than any other family in America, including the Kardashians, who’ve been on the air for approximately 15,000 seasons.

Nick’s dad is like, “Son, I hope this woman doesn’t leave you high and dry” (I’m paraphrasing, here). Basically: His family is terrified that their son is going to get humiliated again. They want him to be happy, yes, but they probably also don’t want to have to go back to Wisconsin and be like, “Yeah, our son is the worst reality TV star in the history of the genre. Does anyone have any software they need him to sell?”

VANESSA’S FINAL DATE

❄️ ❄️ #thebachelorfinale

A post shared by bachelorabc (@bachelorabc) on Mar 13, 2017 at 6:01pm PDT

Wow, I can’t believe we have to watch them hang out with each other again. Can’t we just find out who wins?

Vanessa and Nick go on a horseback riding date and Nick says, “Give it a little squeeze with your thighs, you know how to do that.” Go Nick. Congrats on the sex.

They ride up to this hut and Santa opens the door. Yeah, that Santa. The Santa. Mr. Claus. Apparently he lives there. Here he is, The Bachelor’s Finnish Santa, coming to murder you in your sleep:

Nightmare fuel.

I’m Jewish, so I really want Vanessa to mess with Santa and be like, "Look, I'm Jewish, and — you're not real." But Vanessa isn’t Jewish, so that wouldn’t be kosher. Also, this isn’t the time for jokes, it’s a time to be earnest and in love.

Santa gives Vanessa a present meant to represent fertility, which isn’t presumptuous at all. Then Vanessa and Nick sit by a fire and drink out of quaint wooden mugs. She doesn’t seem super sold on the whole “getting engaged” thing, because she spends the rest of the date berating Nick and telling him she can’t believe he’s still messing around with another woman.

I’m like: I’m sorry, have you seen this show before? Do you really not know how this works?

“When I’ve been with you I’ve only thought of you,” Nick says, in an attempt to reassure her. I start slow clapping. That is an incredible move. To tell someone that you’re sleeping with other people, but that you don’t think about those other people when you’re sleeping with the person you’re talking to?

Genius. Filed away.

RAVEN’S LAST DATE AND OH MY GOD PUPPIES

Nick and Raven go skating, which is a call-back to their first date at the roller rink. The song “Kiss Me” plays over the montage again, which leads me to believe the producers paid out the ass for the rights to it and they really want to make sure they get their money’s worth.

❄️⛸⛸❄️ #thebachelorfinale

A post shared by bachelorabc (@bachelorabc) on Mar 13, 2017 at 6:10pm PDT

The date is good. So good, in fact, that we know Raven is being set up for heartbreak. She keeps talking about how much she loves Nick and how ready she is to get married (you know some producer was like, hey, if you say this, you’ll be doing the opposite of what the other woman did, so — you should say it).

They’re trying to mess with us — Vanessa has cold feet! Look how happy Raven is! But we, my friends, know better. We know that this is a red herring and that Raven will soon be crying in a limo.

We are not even fooled when Nick brings out three of the cutest damn husky puppies I’ve ever seen in my life. I gasp and start Googling places to adopt dogs in New York City.

PUPPIES.@BachelorABC #TheBachelorFinale http://pic.twitter.com/gjUEn1OgWx

— Good Morning America (@GMA) March 14, 2017

These very good dogs are the best moment of the whole season.

MOMENT OF TRUTH

I have to tell you a secret. I’m, like, pretty sure Vanessa wins. I know this because Liz Plank, who’s a part of our Vox Media Bachelor recap show First Impressions, is from Montreal and her hairdresser lives down the street from Vanessa. And Liz told me that her hairdresser told her that Vanessa won.

Even so, I’m nervous.

Neil Lane, the diamond guy, shows up. Nick has hung out with him so many times over the course of this show that he's probably gonna make him a groomsman if he ever actually gets himself to an altar.

Nick is a mess. He says he identifies more with the woman he’s sending home than the one who wins, because he’s always the dude who gets sent home.

“I just know this sucks,” he says.

RAVEN WALKS THE PLANK

The cruelest thing this show does is make the person about to get dumped tell the person who’s about to dump them that she loves him, one last time. Raven says how ready she is to get married, and she brings up her dad again.

Nick is a mess. He’s crying. Raven starts to realize this is not her Fairytale Ending. The moment the final contestant realizes she’s getting booted is like when fans realized the Warriors or the Falcons really were blowing those leads.

She clams up. Raven is the most stoic loser in Bachelor history. She doesn’t really even cry in the limo. But she does say, through elegant tears, “Is it just that no one can feel that way about me?”

ARGGHHH! NOO, RAVEN! IT’S NOT YOU! IT’S THIS STUPID SHOW! You are going to be just fine. In three months you will have half a million Instagram followers and you’ll be able to have multiple orgasms with multiple different guys. This is for the best. By losing, you, my dear, have won.

HAPPILY EVER AFTER

If this doesn’t work out, Nick is saying, it’d be “a waste of tears, a waste of broken hearts.” He could be a country singer if he ever runs out of reality TV show steam.

Vanessa enters the room, and he tells her he fell in love with her at the second rose ceremony.

“Every moment since then, I’ve been falling more and more in love with you,” he says. “Plenty of times I’ve tried to fight it. I don’t want to fight it any more.”

He swept me off my feet...literally! Love, love, love you! @nickviall ❤️

A post shared by VanessaGrimaldi (@vanessagrimaldi30) on Mar 13, 2017 at 8:41pm PDT

I have to tell you guys something. It’s the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to me. But I’m actually tearing up at the finale of The Bachelor. Vanessa and Nick are both crying, he’s proposing, she’s accepting, and for maybe two nanoseconds this all feels genuine.

Then Nick is like, I got one more question for you: “Will you accept this rose?”

And I immediately snap out of it and return to my natural cynical state. This is cheesy garbage. I give the relationship six months.

AFTER THE FINAL ROSE

We’re back at the live show with Chris “Time to Shine” Harrison, and Nick gets trotted out first. He looks pretty miserable. Then Raven shows up. She’s wearing her best “fuck you” dress — this slinky black silk number — and I’m here for it.

Sorry, wait, one sec, this is completely irrelevant but I just have to show you this picture of Chris Harrison with Santa.

I was trying to think of what major holiday this day reminds me of... but nothing came to mind. #TheBachelor finale is tonight!

A post shared by Chris Harrison (@chrisbharrison) on Mar 13, 2017 at 7:09am PDT

Aren’t you glad you saw that?

Anyway, Raven is very classy and says she does think Nick and Vanessa will get married, though she doesn’t give them a rousing endorsement. Then Chris asks her to go on Bachelor in Paradise this summer, and she accepts, so we have that to look forward to.

VANESSA AND NICK HATE EACH OTHER, I’M PRETTY SURE

Vanessa comes out first, and she spends about 10 minutes telling Chris how hard it’s been to be in a secret relationship and watch Nick make out with other women on TV. They all say this after every season, but Vanessa is really leaning into it. She admits that maybe she should’ve watched the show for a full season before committing to go on it and I’m like “Wait. HOLD THE PHONE, WHAT!? YOU ACTUALLY DIDN’T KNOW HOW THIS WORKS?”

Here is a live look at me watching this right now:

My mind is blown. This explains so much. But also, on an early date, Vanessa told Nick that she watched him on the show for two seasons, which is why she went on to try to date him. So she’s lying somewhere. Either she didn’t watch the show and said she did, or did watch the show and is now saying she didn’t.

But all this pales in comparison to the horrible second hand embarrassment I feel watching Nick and Vanessa try to convince America they love each other.

Chris is like, "Congrats on your engagement!" And they’re essentially like, "Thank you, Chris, we are both completely miserable and realize all of this was a terrible mistake, but we are so locked in now that there’s really nothing we can do about it! Hahahah! Isn’t that just so too bad! Look at us, holding hands! We have our hands on each other’s thighs because we’re just so, so happy! Hahahaha! Oh, my God, please make it all stop.”

One of my roommates comes into the room, looks at the TV, and goes, “This is wack.” Then he leaves.

Vanessa sounds really miserable to be in a relationship with. Everything is about communicating, and speaking her mind. That’s all great, but at a certain point, you want to live rather than talk about living.

Holy shit she said yes!! ❤️❤️❤️❤️. It's been a journey Bachelor National!! @vanessagrimaldi30 I love you!! #thebachelor

A post shared by Nick Viall (@nickviall) on Mar 13, 2017 at 8:07pm PDT

Vanessa and Nick’s celebratory Instagram captions are pretty bland for two people desperately in love. I made merciless fun of Jordan Rodgers after he won last season because he ripped off inspirational posters on Instagram, but at least he leaned into it. Vanessa doesn’t even say “I love you” in her “I won” Instagram. She just wrote “love, love, love you!” Which is what you write when you’re about to break up with someone. The “I” in “I love you” is crucial.

RACHEL’S BACHELORETTE SEASON BEGINS

Rachel shows up. She’s all we have left. If The Apprentice gave us Trump as president, I am hopeful that The Bachelorette might give us Rachel. She's a lawyer and doesn’t appear to be a garbage can of a person the way our current commander-in-chief is. Rachel 2020.

Chris Harrison finally reveals the curveball he’s had up his sleeve this whole time: Rachel’s season is starting right now. He brings out three dudes who will be on her season. She looks pretty shook, but she’s rolling with it. I think it’s mean to spring this on her, but then again, The Bachelor franchise isn’t known for being kind.

The first guy we meet is Demario, who shows up with a ring, which seems like a lot. But he’s handsome and charming.

Then they bring out some white asshole named Blake who goes, “I’m ready to go black, and I’m not going back.”

Oh God, you guys. I’m realizing that the racism — both low-key and probably blatant — on Rachel’s season is going to be out of control. We’ll have all these white dudes with trendy haircuts who think they’re #woke but really aren’t. I’m on my couch with my fleece pulled up over my head and my shoulders up around my ears just thinking about it.

Rachel handles this whole thing with grace. She is too good for us and America doesn’t deserve her. But, boy, am I glad that we get her. I cannot wait to watch her season.

I also have a feeling they pulled this “meet the dudes” gimmick because Nick and Vanessa might break up soon and they wanted to have a fallback news cycle in case the whole thing explodes sooner than they expected.

Anyway. Thanks for coming on this wild ride with me. It’s been a helluva season, Sports Bachelor Nation. Go Pats.