#and soul is just her queer guy friend that she has a deep connection and is her other half

[reanimatedgh0ul]

you can't convince these two weren't designed to be straightbait idc

[canary3d-obsessed]

Restless Rewatch: The Untamed, Episode 01

(Masterpost) (Next Episode)

Warning: This is **FULL **of spoilers, not just for this episode but for the entire series. If you haven’t finished all 50 episodes, please don’t read it! 

Intro: 2020 continues to be much much too much while also being incredibly boring, and Im done with Shen Wei’s Lewks, so now I’m doing a deep meta dive into the Untamed. Let’s roll! 

Prologue: The Battle of Mordor

The Demise of our Protagonist

Unlike some other shows I won’t name, The Untamed kills its suicidal queer protagonist immediately, rather than waiting four seasons, so we know what we're in for. 

This is Wei Wuxian, who is about to yeet himself off of a cliff. He is having a bad day. 

Note: if mouth blood bothers you...C-Drama might not be your thing. 

Reasons for mouth blood: a sampler

Anyway...cliff time

Note: if (fictional) suicide bothers you...C-Drama might not be your thing. 

To be fair there are hardly any suicides in The Untamed. No more than ...five? As long as you don’t count the entire population of the Wen Corporate Headquarters in Yiling or those wall bandits in Qinghe or Madame Yu or all those Wens who supposedly threw themselves into the mud puddle or that Mo guy who broke his own neck. Plus watching Wei Wuxian’s cliff drop several more times from multiple angles. So, you know. Hardly Any Suicides. 

This is Lan Wangji, who is about to have his first losing encounter with physics. He is having a bad day.

In fact, if it is possible to have a worse day than the guy who is currently falling to his death, Lan Wangji is having that.

This is Jiang Cheng, who is feeling extra stabby from this camera angle. He is having a bad day.

Camera operator: why you gotta take it out on me? 

(Much, much more after the cut!)

The Amulet Situation

This is the Stygian Tiger Amulet. Yes, by all means, (Netflix) subtitles, let's use a 12-dollar word, “Stygian,” that every English speaker who is not a Shelley/Byron shipper will have to look up. Let’s not use a normal word like "deathly" or "corrupt" or you know... "Yin" which is clearly what they are saying on screen.

Why does this tiger amulet look like a chameleon crossed with a remora? Wei Wuxian can paint photorealistic bunnies on a flimsy lantern while sitting in a field having distracting teenage lust, but two months of meditating with super magic gets him a tiger that looks like a chameleon. And don’t try telling me this is a traditional-Chinese-art vibe because this jade tiger from frickin 1000 BCE is way more tigerish than Wei Wuxian’s attempt. 

Try harder next time, Wei Wuxian.

This is thousands of cultivators having a battle.  What do you mean, it looks like about 40-60 dudes?

 Any time someone in The Untamed refers to a number of people, it is like when you do your high school play and look off into the wings at nothing and say “Hark, A Ship Approaches!” and everyone’s parents nod indulgently.

Jin Clan Mountain Hunt:

*viewership nods indulgently*

This is Captain Blowhard, over on the right, courtesy name Clan Leader Yao. His job is to talk smack about Wei Wuxian and stick up for whoever is the biggest asshole in any given scene.  

He represents mainstream cultivation-world values so here he is shanking one of his allies to take the deadly amulet of evilness.

The Present Day

Spilling All That Yiling Laozu Tea

Down at the Exposition Tea Shop, the Lan juniors are chilling and listening to Tea Dude tell the story of Yiling Laozu. 

How did they get permission to take this field trip? “Principal Qiran, we want to go downtown to hang out with the local rabble and learn about your favorite person, Wei Wuxian.”

Waiting in the wings is the man with a fan and a plan, Nie Huaisan(g), who is paying tall loot to get these stories told.  

...Why? Is Mo Xuanyu having tea here and listening? Or is Wei Wuxian being summoned back by hearing all this smack being talked about him? *Shrug.*

Gank Your Soul

Drunk flag guy out here talking about spirits. Wikipedia tells me that In one school of Daoist thought, a human being has a collection of physical souls (魄 pò) and ethereal souls (魂 hún). Drunk flag guy is saying “hún ” at the moment. 

The many types of souls don’t translate well into English, where spiritual vocabulary has always been shackled connected to Christian beliefs, and is too limited for this context. So when the subtitles have conversations like “Is it a soul eater? No, no, it’s a spirit taker!” just roll with it. (Speaking of hún, if you have any interest in linguistics, do yourself a favor and go read all the wonderful meta @hunxi-guilai​)

The spirit-carrying flag looks a lot like Raava and Vaatu from Korra which...probably doesn’t mean anything.

The Demise of our Trill Host

Suicide #2 happens about 8 minutes in. 

Mo Xuanyu is that hippie roommate with the annoying wind chimes and bead curtains and blood spatter.

He is super mad at his terrible family and also at Jin Guangyao, who sent him home to his terrible family. I wonder if Fan Man Nie Huaisang influenced Jiggy’s decision-making there. Mo Xuanyu’s choice to die for revenge might be excessive, given how easy it actually is to murder the Mo family.

Being Alive Is Fine I Guess As Long As I Get To Fuck WIth People

Wei Wuxian starts his new life by splashing a little water on his face, which instantly makes his hair go from this

to this. 

He looks at his reflection and wishes he was dead, which--mood--but he gets over it as soon as he finds someone whose day he can fuck up.

And he is ALL in on being crazy. 

OP wishes she had the Wei Wuxian kind of crazy instead of the kind she actually has. 

Meanwhile, this is the sane Mo cousin:

This asshole is wearing one of the best fabrics in the whole show, incidentally. Asshole.

My favorite bit of Wei-Mo craziness is when Wei Wuxian does a meaningless 360 all the way around this dude before ducking in the opposite direction, which is like when I make 4 right turns around a whole block to avoid making a single left across traffic.

Perhaps I Do Miss One Thing In This Life

Wei Wuxian has pining thoughts about Lan Wangji, so he plays WangXian on a fucking blade of grass well enough for Sizhui to recognize it from his dad's guqin jams. 

Wei Wuxian is a better flautist than even Inspector Gadget BeatBoxing Flute Guy (Google it).

Our Many Many Spirit Lure Flags have Lured A Spirit, Oh Shit

Lan Clan has a Plan and Wei Wuxian is a Fan

Having one single lure flag stuck in Wen Ning’s torso caused spirits to basically eat him alive, so to catch one evil spirit, 6 disciples holding flags on the roof plus 8 more flags on the ground seems like a good amount. Wei Wuxian is like “yep, a single one of these will lure every spirit for five miles, carry on, younglings.”

Baxia Does the Heavy Lifting

Wei Wuxian is supposed to kill four people because of this curse situation, and in the course of the series they all die, and he kills exactly zero of them. The curse on Wei Wuxian’s arm should be called the scorekeeper curse. 

Baxia’s spirit pinballs around the Mo clan, rapidly killing three people on Mo Xuanyu’s list plus a couple extras for good measure.  Who's a good blade? Baxia is! Yess you are! Yes you are!

This here is the exact point in the show where your friend, who has listened to you squee about The Untamed for three months and finally agreed to watch it with you, will say “what the fuck am I watching?” and try to get up off the couch. Tackle them! 

This also the point where we all realize that the prosthetic and practical effects in this show were probably not made by the people who made the clothing, because the quality is...variable. The white eyeballs are pretty good, but the glove of death is ridiculous.

Camera operator: why you gotta take it out on me?

While Baxia goes to town on the Mo clan, the Lan Clan babies...watch? And tie up the various victims after they are already goners. 

Narrator: Her son is dead.

Meanwhile, 

Wei Wuxian, you motherfucker. You’ve been alive for like 7 hours and you’re already building a new zombie army. No wonder you don’t want them to call Lan Wangji.

Hanguang-Jun Cut It Up One Time

Lan Wangji shows up and very slowly kicks zombie ass with his guqin. If you are used to Hong Kong action speeds, you will find The Untamed very peaceful.

 All of the baby Lans fan squee up at Lan Wangji like he's the cultivation world's David Bowie and...they're not wrong. Jesus Fuck, he’s charismatic.

Lan Wangji is soft boi when he discovers this murderous sword full of dead-bastard energy, because it reminds him of his true love.

Like the talk about souls, the conversations about the nature of the murderous entity really don’t survive translation into English.

Servant: it’s a ghost! 

WWX: it’s not a ghost, it’s a spirit

Babies: It’s a spirit

LWJ: it’s not a spirit, it’s a [...] ghost

Our Protagonist gets the FOH

Wei Wuxian is soft boi when he sees Lan Wangji, but not so soft that he considers actually, like, sticking around. 

Wei Wuxian is also clueless boi, noting Lan Wangji’s white clothing and thinking, as in the past, that he looks like he’s dressed in mourning. The term he uses is 戴孝, which google tells me means the type of outfit worn by Jiang Yanli after Wen Ning rips her husband’s heart out someone who is in mourning. 

Actually, Wei Wuxian, you dumbass, he is in actual mourning, actually, for you. Dumbass. He probably packed away all of his blue outer robes 16 years ago and only takes them out occasionally to reminisce about that nice date you had on your mountain of corpses. 

On his way out the door Wei Wuxian manages to find a red ribbon for his beautiful hair, so things are looking up. 

Where to go next...hey I know, how about that one haunted mountain with the killer statue, you know, the one that all my executed friends and child came from? That’ll be fun and a great way to put the past behind me!

Episode 02 Restless Rewatch is here!

[drsilverfish]

Hearts/ Harts, Lions and Bears in 15x05 Proverbs 17:3

Hi Everyone, catching up UK time as ever, and looking forward to all your posts!

Here’s my first bit of musing on the ep...

This is the final shot of 15x05 -  the curtains of Chuck’s “play” (now visible to us and to the Winchesters) framing the scene:

So now, the Winchesters know what we’ve already guessed. 

This is it - they either follow Chuck’s script, in which one of them, inevitably, kills the other, or they’re going to have to fight God.

As this is the “reveal” episode, in which the Winchesters learn they are not, in fact, “free to move on” (as Dean said, albeit miserably, in 15x04) Yockey has a lot of fun with the “All the world’s a stage” metanarrative quality of the text (from Shakespeare’s As You Like It): 

“All the world’s a stage,

And all the men and women merely players;

They have their exits and their entrances;

And one man in his time plays many parts..”

https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems/56966/speech-all-the-worlds-a-stage

By resurrecting Lilith and sending her to undertake the reveal, Chuck is taunting Sam and Dean with the (apparent) inevitability of their “fate” - a Swan Song redux, but Chuck’s way this time. No wonder he wanted Cas out of the picture, as it was significantly thanks to Cas’ input that things went sideways for Chuck’s narrative back in S4/5 (the era of Lilith).  

Chuck’s “old script” versions of the brothers (particularly Dean) is very apparent, from their baby-faced historical fake IDs, a nod to Kripke’s original pitch for the show (a Luke Skywalker and a Hans Solo type-pairing) and his ridiculously out of date vison of Dean’s sexuality. We know present-Dean is not gonna seduce a traumatised girl who’s just suffered a werewolf attack that killed her best friends and who is barely in her twenties (plus we know who Dean’s heart really belongs to) but Chuck wants his fantasy of Dean as Valentine’s-Day-is-drifter-Christmas back.  

Lilith also overtly spells out the SPN narrative’s use of parallels, when she declares (again to Dean) that the Winchesters had to see one werewolf brother kill the other because, “You know - foreshadowing.” Lilith is (in fact, against her own will) God’s messenger on the side of Fate.

Yockey thus invites us to consider the other parallels in the episode (and SPN at large) like the three best friends at the start of the episode, who can be read as mirrors for Team Free Will:

 One of the girls, Ashley (the one who, sort of, survives as Lilith’s vessel) has “a philosophy degree” but “drives an Uber” and is being left behind by the other two (who have found “good” jobs after graduating from college). A philosophy degree but drives an Uber? Sounds like a pretty good (Chuck) description of an angel who spends his time on the earthly plane, right? And a split in their threesome, followed by the death of two, leaving the traumatised philosophy degree major alone? We can see this as Chuck’s-way-of-fate foreshadowing (Cas is split from Sam and Dean, the Winchesters die, Cas is left alone to mourn them). 

Of course, the theme of hearts continues strongly, from Belphegor’s “heart spell” re-referenced in the recap opener, to the werewolf brothers’ penchant for eating hearts, to the Biblical Proverbs 17:3 reference in the title: 

“The refining pot is for silver and the furnace for gold, But the Lord tryeth the hearts”.

And look at the fairytale cabin in the woods where the two werewolf brothers live, with the little hearts on the shutters:

 But, it was actually the bear and lion and deer/ stag motifs I wanted to discuss in this post, which are in part connected to the heart symbolism.

A “hart” is a medieval word for a stag (deer). So we could argue there is a connection between the heart symbolism and the deer symbolism.

When Ashley is startled by a noise in the forest at the start of the episode, her companions reassure her it was “just a deer”.

When the Winchesters meet the town’s Sheriff (with her “I am the Sheriff” mug - which we can read as more Chuck-taunting to highlight the fact the Winchesters are in a script/ more Yockey metanarrative fun) she has a stuffed stag’s head on the wall behind her:

In the werewolves’ cabin there are lots of mounted deer antlers on the walls (one of which Lilith eventually deliberately gores herself with):

Then there’s the wallpaper in the motel which the Winchesters take Ashley to (by then Lilith!Ashley). See the antlered stag on the right:

Because we know Chuck has significant control of the narrative at the moment, and because of the hint in the episode title to consider Chuck’s first great work, before he wrote The Winchester Gospels - the Bible (as Proverbs 17:3 it is a reference to a Biblical proverb) it seems like a good idea to look up the significance of stags/ deer in the Bible, right?

And guess where they appear? In the Song of Solomon, that most emotive of love poems:

“My beloved is like a gazelle or a young stag. Behold, he is standing behind our wall, He is looking through the windows....

Turn, my beloved, and be like a gazelle Or a young stag on the mountains of Bether ...“

The stag/ deer is also a long-standing medieval symbol of the hunt. 

So I interpret the deer/ stag symbolism as partly about the fact that the Winchesters are effectively being “hunted” by God. But also (through the connection to the heart symbolism - hart/ heart) a note in the subtext about the state of Dean’s heart in particular right now (i.e. ripped out, just as the werewolves ripped out the hearts of their victims) because of his break-up with Cas, which, in case, we missed it, was overtly referenced in the recap opener of the episode.

Now let’s talk about the bear and the mountain lion symbolism. 

As the Winchesters are talking to the Sheriff about whether the girls’ murders were animal attacks, they discuss the public theory that it was either a mountain lion or a “psychotic bear”. And look - the Sheriff is literally flanked by a stuffed lion and a stuffed bear (more Chuck/ Yockey metanarrative fun):

Now, where do lions and bears appear in the Bible?

Ah yes - in the story of David and Goliath. 

This is David, pleading to be allowed to go up against the giant Goliath:

"'Your servant has killed lions and bears; this uncircumcised Philistine will be like one of them, for he has defied the armies of the living God.’  David said, moreover; ‘”The Lord that delivered me out of the paw of the lion and out of the paw of the bear, he will deliver me out of the hand of this Philistine.’"  

(1 Samuel 17:35/7 King James Bible)

What a perfect Biblical reference - because the Winchesters going up against God himself? That’s a quintissential David vs Goliath story.

And, to return to the heart/ hart subtext, David in the story of David and Goliath is the same David in the story of David and Jonathan (also in the Book of Samuel).  David and Jonathan had a love “surpassing the love of women”, which has been read by some latter day scholars as a depiction of homoromantic/ homoerotic love.  

I don’t know if you remember, but there was, in fact, a textual SPN reference to The Book of Samuel in 14x19 Jack in the Box, when Pastor Ames asked the congregation he was visiting, “So, who’s ready to take on The Book of Samuel?”

Foreshadowing is a thing - hasn’t Yockey just told us?

I wrote a meta about the Dean/ Cas subtext of Book of Samuel reference at the time:

https://drsilverfish.tumblr.com/post/184308630909/so-whos-ready-to-take-on-the-book-of-samuel

So deer (hart/ hearts), bears and lion symbolism brings us to the Song of Solomon, one of the greatest love poems in the world, and to another book of the Bible, The Book of Samuel, which:

a) Is called the Book of Samuel!!! A reference to the key role Sam will likely play in defeating Chuck thanks to their connection through the God-wound

b) Contains the story of David and Goliath where the little guy (the Winchesters) goes up against the big guy (God)

c) Contains the story of David and Jonathan - a story of a deep and abiding soul-bond between two men...  

All seems.... highly relevant to the SPN endgame. 

What a lovely tapestry of an episode. 

My usual legal (lol) disclaimer applies: reading the show’s queer subtext does not promise, suggest or imply, that the profound bond between Dean and Cas will, inevitably, become unequivocally and overtly romantic. 

[feelingforgod]

Rachael

July 27, 2020

She wore a ring on her wedding ring finger, so I knew her being both queer and single wouldn’t be likely. But she grabbed me at first sight. Dark jawline-length hair slicked back. Those big hazel eyes that are dark and light at the same time. The tattoo just under her left shoulder. Her full lips in red lipstick. The way she moves her mouth. Her facilitating the discussion about white people practicing anti-racism. Her soft, understanding, warm, and articulate manner of speech.

It was the first time I liked someone so much in such a short amount of time. Rachael (or at least who I saw her to be) was simultaneously a turn-on and a heart-connection. While I listened to White People for Black Lives Matter orientation, I couldn’t wait for it to be her turn to speak again.

The chances of anything happening between us was close to none. There was the ring of course, but also COVID: WP4BLM was only having virtual meetings and they contained hundreds of people. But I still let the fantasy take me away. I talked about her to my friends. I let myself swoon. I felt that feeling one feels when a person suddenly catches your attention, and suddenly you have hope there can be someone else that sparks your heart.

When I looked her up on Instagram I knew reality would hit. And I was right. She is married. At least she’s married to a woman, so my gay-dar wasn’t off. But still married. And to the show runner of the hit series “Dead to Me” no less. And they are so much in love. One of Rachael’s most recent posts was of her and her wife’s anniversary with the words, “I never thought love could be this easy.” And I found out so much more about Rachael too- she’s a musician and a singer. She paints. All of “my types” -the musician, the intellect, the activist, the babe, the heart, the feeler- all in one person. In one person that was no longer an option for me.

But I kept looking. She hangs out with celebrities and walks the red carpet with her wife. She posts covers of her albums and videos of her singing. Activist talk and educational readings. Deep eyes and enchanting grins. Dreamy selfies.

Thus I mourned the loss of a person I didn’t even know and to whom I had never directly spoken. I even cried about her.

“I never thought love could be this easy.”

I wonder how that would feel. I have no clue. The thought of that even being a possibility feels freeing, liberating. Like a weight being lifted from the heart and soul.

But here I am. Almost 30 and never having had a serious romantic, reciprocal relationship.   Yes, I’m happy, but that doesn’t mean I’m not lonely, or that I’m missing out on an experience and a partner that I wish I had. I think of the numbers. The numbers of women who are queer, single, feminine-presenting, monogamous, open to faith and spirituality, and keen on a deep, committed relationship. Sure, it seems like a lot in a city like Los Angeles that has a population of 10 million. But then, I’m only in one niche of that. Whatever the spread and variety of my networks, living locations, circles of friends, classes, and jobs, they will not intersect with millions or even thousands. And out of the limited people I brush up against, how many have the unique combination that of traits that lights me up? In the past 4 years since coming out I’ve only met one (now two) queer women that made me feel lightning. The odds seem long and hard.

Then Megan, my dear sweet friend, provided me with a reality check. We normally associate reality checks with negativity or a lowering of expectations. But this was a a heightening thereof.

Me (who else would it be?):

I mean, I’m not trying to make this a pity Sarah moment, but statistically speaking, is there really a “Rachael” out there for everyone? I mean, I hope there is but… I don’t know. I just have a hard time feeling like God has my back in terms of dating and romantic relationships. Not saying He/She doesn’t, but that’s just my biggest hangup.

Megan (sweet bringer of hope):

I do [believe that]. I know it’s hard though. But I would use the fact that she exists and has all these qualities you like as proof that there are more people out there like her! She’s definitely not the only one. Even though it feels like it.

Sometimes people say - it just takes one! And that’s true but also - that’s so hard! There’s so many more misses out there than hits when it comes to dating. But you can’t give up. There’s more women out there who are good matches for Sarah! Who you will be able to bring so much joy to!

It’s normal to feel down. When that last guy I mentioned yesterday stopped wanting to go on dates with me - I had my spiral of I WILL NEVER FIND SOMEONE. I’LL NEVER HAVE A FAMILY. And it’s normal to feel those feelings. But then you gotta take a nap, and be more realistic with yourself. You are awesome. You are desirable. And we are in a pandemic and it’s just freaking weird. And also for me, that guy was too boring but I was able to learn something about myself from it. And now you can use Rachael as proof that not all the girls you like are straight! And there are like-minded women out there for you.

I so needed those words. I look to them when the doubts come in. When I have a hard time thinking of successful marriages or of people who remain in love with each other. When I go on dating apps and swipe past everyone because no one catches my eye. When I see Rachael post something new. When news happening in Oregon reminds me of Stephanie.

Thank you, Megan. Thank you God for people like her. I may almost be thirty and have never had a serious romantic relationship with someone, but I’ve been overwhelmed by the goodness of my friendships. I feel God in them always.

[riverlovesyou1]

Voltron: An evaluation(spoilers) pt. 1

Written: December 15th 2018 4:18 AM

Can I just say a few things?

This season was unbelievably bad. I’m not even sure how I’m supposed to feel. But there were so many good things that came out of this show. this season had good moments. We should not avoid those good things.

They really did us in huh? Endgame Allurance wasn’t real. Allura died. OUR Princess, our Empress, is dead. Can you really believe that?  I can’t. Klance that was given hints at and parallels for ALL 8 seasons. Lance is basically not allowed to e happy. He really went through Voltron with no arc. He really went through all of that for nothing. He got what? a romance that ended as soon as it started? Lotoura couldn’t even e redeemed. They could have done something. They really ended it in the worst possible way. Fuck the ships though.

Shiro, Kuro, Narti, Lotor, Ezor, Adam, Lance, Keith, Honerva, Zarkon, and Allura all either died, was willing to sacrifice themselves, or was brought back to life.

Shiro was tortured, mangled, traumatized. He had PTSD.  He was fucking cloned. I don’t get it. He already went through so much. Why did he have to DIE? And not only that! His soul was fucking captured by black and he probably had to watch the paladins suffer and he couldn’t do anything. His soul was transferred into a body that was his clone and IT STILL TRIED TO REJECT HIM. I’m sorry that the only openly gay main character couldn’t be fucking happy. He was gay. He was engaged to a man. He married a man(even if we know NOTHING about him). He was done so wrong. Shiro is such a good character but after his arc, after him leaving his position of the black lion, his character felt forced and didn’t really have a point to be there at all.

Kuro is a clone. There are so many Shiro clones but he got to live with the paladins. He got to grow as a true Shiro in his own way. Yes, he was never quite Shiro but he was apart of him. He loved the paladins. I truly believe this. He got to see them as a family. They were his family. And in his last moments, as he struggled to control himself, you could see him fight. He didn’t want to hurt them. He wanted to keep them safe. Hell black let him pilot her. I don’t get it. They killed him. He’s dead. He had to fight Keith. And that hurt the most. He tried so hard to connect to Lance but Honerva/Hagger stopped it. (refer to lance’s paragraph) His body was stolen to contain the real Shiro's soul. It’s devastating.

Narti is Lotor’s blind general that could only see through a cats eyes, not her own. Narti did nothing wrong. She was loyal to Lotor. She hadn’t rebelled against him, the cat did. It holds a deep sadness that she was killed. It wasn’t her fault, Lotor shouldn’t have killed her.

Lotor was put through the most crap(alongside Shiro). He was neglected by his parents as a child. He was abused by his parents. That’s hard to live with. He’s biracial and that made him struggle so very hard to try to find love. His Altean side leads him to his mother's things, lead him to find the altean’s and make a colony for them. Yes, he took them and used them for quintessence but he could have been redeemed. He could have been taught what true love was. And he was. That's the worst part. He had changed. He changed. The only reason he went into the quintessence and went mad was that the paladins began to distrust him. If Keith had never shown up and told them about the colony, would he have gone mad in the first place?

Ezor is not proven to be a lesbian but it’s quite obvious that she and Zethrid are together. The thing about her is that its confusing. We all thought she died. The way Zethrid began to talk about Ezor in season 8 made it seem like she died, but then moments later she comes out. She’s alive. I can not express my relief at seeing her. But she should have never been thought to have been dead. 

Adam. He is Shiro’s ex-fiance and had no significance in the series at all other then he was Shiro’s lover. It didn’t change Shiro’s character at all. All it did was make queer baiting happen and gave the LGBT+ false rep. This isn’t the first time that the #BuryYourGays trope has been shown but it is one of the first times that a fandom has taken it by stand and Stood their ground because it was unjustified. He wasn’t even in the series for a full minute. It’s just sad that they did this to a character that should have significance but doesn't.

Lance is such a sad character. I’m not just talking about how his girlfriend of less then a week died. I’m talking about his character as a whole. He starts off with a one-sided rivalry with this guy that barely acknowledges him and as he proves himself to Keith they begin to get close. They grow into being the closest friends. They have a bond so similar to one that would be romantically coded and yet, their friendship ends there. That's it. No advancements. Lance died for the team and was revived by Allura. I found this so odd. Why would they make him die all of a sudden just to have allura revive him and then never address it? He’s insecure. I love lance. He's relatable and he worries just as much as Hunk does but in a different way. He shows concern about allura throughout the series, talks to the mice about how he loves allura but when allura finds out, it's obvious she doesn’t feel the same way. She chose Lotor. She loved Lotor, not Lance. What worse is that other than the first season, the lions switch, and season 8, they never really seemed to communicate other than in battle. They never joked around. Nothing. The only reason he died was so that allura could save him and then they could have at least one thing that point to romance. But there is no chemistry there.

Keith is my favorite character. But I’m not gonna lie he was an asshole in certain parts of the show. I know he was going through a lot with finding himself and finding his mom, but that's no excuse for the way he spoke to the other characters. But his near death scene was stupid. You might be thinking “no it wasn’t” but it was. It was vital that he take the shot, sacrificing his life. But he didn’t get the chance. Someone else shot at Zarkons ship and he was let go. Keith tried to die. And then what? Nothing. Lance and Keith both nearly died. Both never got a chance to talk about it. It's really sad. 

Honerva is such an important character. Are you shocked she’s on this list? Well don’t be She was redeemed. She had a redemption arc. Her arc was bigger than Lance’s! Common now. In the beginning all she does is cast some spells and work with quintessence but then you meet Lotor and you can tell she slowly growing her memories back, slowly becoming Honerva and not Hagger any more. She’s the villain we all wanted Lotor to be. The only thing was: It was too late. she had already caused too much damage. Honerva wasn’t a bad person. She went insane. It wasn’t her fault. Yes, she ruined the realities but there should have been a spell to change everything back. Even if that spell required her to die in the end. It should have been her alone and not allura as well.

You might be even more surprised that I put Zarkon on this list. Zarkon was a very important villain as well. But honestly, in the end, he wasn’t the villain. In the end, it was Hagger. Zarkon was once good. He loved Honerva so much, wanted Lotor to live so much, that he took her to the quintessence. He knew it would save her. He never knew the price for it would be. They all died from quintessence. Zarkon, Honerva, Allura, and Lotor. They all died in quintessence. They died the moment they stepped in there. Zarkon was good and he went bad quickly. He was power hungry. He didn’t even know how he was meant to live anymore.

Allura is the one that hurt the most. She’s a beloved character. She did nothing wrong. She tried to keep her life on track and she did an okay job at being the Empress/Princess of a planet and race that(at the time)  no longer existed. It’s crazy to think that she died for no reason. She died for a reason, but she wasn’t meant to die. Not yet. Not now of all times. Why did they kill her? I asked this probably a million times after I watched it. I looked in the mirror after crying for hours over this and I’m asking myself, “why?” But its pretty simple as to why. They needed a reason to end it. They needed a way that made sense to make all the realities come back and to not have it all ruined, but at the cost of her life? It just made no sense to me why Allura had to die of all people.

Idk guys this series has kept me in high spirits till now, but Right at this moment, I feel dead. They killed me and I’m not sure how I’ll recover from this one. And don’t tell me it was “just a show” because it was more than that. This was a cartoon made for 7-year-olds and up and they’re going to watch this and they’re gonna think that most of that are healthy. They’re going to watch Lotor kill Narti and think stabbing your friends in the back is okay. They’re going to watch Lotor and Zarkon and see how Zarkon doesn’t acknowledge him for the good he’s done. There’s not going to be a good memory with this show. I wish I could remember the good in these moments, but it’s all numb. I’m sorry for everyone who suffered as they watched this show. I thought I was ready. I thought I could handle it. I was wrong. We were all wrong. Nobody got a happy ending.

I’m glad Zethrid and Ezor worked things out though. They’re the only ones I feel happy for with the last season.

[brutefemme]

Well... here we are again.

Did you miss me? 

I guess I’ll always come back here. I’ll always be just a sad girl on the internet, and honestly, I’m here for her. (Although, I do use they/themme pronouns now.. wassaaaaap post-binaarrrryy!) I always come back here when I need to speak in a way that feels good; a way that I constantly ignore because I still think people don’t care (but here’s the secret: it doesn’t matter if no one cares. It only matters if I do.) Also, I haven’t had a working laptop in over a year because Apple really has all of us by the balls. I digress. I’m rambling to avoid as per usual. My mouth is always too fast while my fingers are painfully slow. My mind is a cosm traveling in no direction in particular. Well, maybe it is traveling in a direction... inward, toward itself. 

I have a lot to say. No one is surprised. 

It usually takes me a while, but I always find what I’m looking for by looking back. I would say it’s a cool little trick, but it’s not -- it’s kind of fucked up. 

Ehhh, I’m working through it. 

I did run into this post though and really fell into it. 

So... five years ago to my five years ago. Here we go. 

Hey Kirsten, 

You actually did change your name finally. You found it so beautifully too, like it was made for you. You’ve emerged into this new world you’ve built for yourself as kali diwa, and it fits in every possible way. It was right after a free POC Yoga class at the East Bay Meditation Center (Yes, you still do yoga, yes, you only do it with other brown folx around, and yes, seriously fuck yes, you live in Oakland. And bitch, you fucking love it.) where your teacher chose to honor Kali Ma, imploring her to burn all things that no longer serve you. It struck a chord, a strong vibration of both nostalgia and enlightenment, then you went home to watch Bourdain go to the Philippines again and that fool showed you exactly what you wanted to see: Kali - the ancient Filipino martial art that is intrinsically tied to the resistance of your homeland and your blood. How you could say no when revealed itself to you. And the best part? It’s yours, fully. 

You’re in Europe now, you as in 2015 you, and I know you feel so many things right now, but it’s okay. These are lessons you need to learn. You’re always exactly where you need to be at all times. You say that a lot now in 2020 and people kind of hate it, but they also love to hear it so... you’re gonna keep saying it. It’s a good reminder. This trip will be unpacked over and over and over again. So keep those eyes wide and that heart open - it will show you truth. 

After Europe, you come home with nowhere to go, but back to LA. You lived in a hostel again, which you didn’t want to do after living at that atrocious AirBnB situation, you know the one where there the host used a completely different name than what was given to you on the website, where you were told to tell people that you were “just a friend staying,” where there was no doorknob when you moved in, where the upstairs roommate had to walk through your room to get to theirs, where you only had a broken hot plate and lived off of sardines, and the windows had a privacy film on them that was made entirely of scotch tape, and that weird landlord that smelled homeless wouldn’t stop asking you if you were a lesbian (FYI, you kind of are so that fool clocked the shit out of you -- also never do that again). But after that, you lived with a slew of equally, if not more, horrible roommates that made you really question what the fuck you’re doing in LA, being unemployed, doing comedy, and generally just end up feeling like a loser. 

It’s okay. People find you and it's very kind. You end up dedicating a few years of your life to Philz, yes that Philz, New Manhattan Philz. It’s amazing until it’s not. They sell out hard. You didn’t even know what a Mint Mojito was before you started (which makes sense, there would be no reason for you to have ordered it before) but bitch bet you know what it is now. 

You finally dump stop talking to Colin, but then you tie yourself to some weird men. It’s gonna suck, but you do this a lot. You needed to, they were important to your growth and how you relate to your self worth. You’re also just horny as shit so, fuck it the fuck up. You really lean into being sexually liberated in a different way. It’s still really hard and confusing. 

In a year, you’re gonna spend Valentine's day realizing that you’re falling in love with yourself. Amidst the chaos of your love life, you find you. 

You find good homes that teach you so much care and kindness that it makes you want to scream. You and Yadira (one of the best roommates you’ve ever had) spend a wild summer together and then both end up living in the Bay - she inspires you to move back. She literally just texted you back right now so you can FaceTime tomorrow. It’s sick. 

You spend a year listening which doesn’t make sense now, but it will. It saves you, creates a new world for you that actually feels good and real. People hold you here, hold you how you needed it then. It’s as full as you can muster and it feels good until it doesn’t. So you do what you do best, you move.

I know right? Again? This is the part where you go back home. It’s the best decision you’ve made so far. 

Honestly? Honestly. 

You come home to go back to school. City College of all places. Wild, I know. But you know education has always been a pillar in your life. One of your favorite feelings of all time is actively feeling your brain take in new information. Learning is like magic and you want to experience it constantly. Also it’s free, which makes it socialist as fuck. You dive deep into social justice, a place you never thought you’d be, but honestly after Europe, after that last year in LA, it all makes so much sense. You are supposed to be here. The classroom is a fucking stage and you live for it. Nothing makes you hornier than a good debate and the sound of your own voice. Everything just feels better when you do it with your mouth. You join the sexual health educator program, end up being a healthy relationship counselor (I know - healthy relationships - this is where you do that learning thing), and working in sexual violence. It’s like Law and Order SVU, only not at all. It’s healing, it feels like good work as a survivor. You realize that comedy was never your girl, sex was. (Honestly, it’s both - it can be an “and” statement; you’re very complex. You also say that a lot now, again still annoying, but good reminders, so people can’t really get mad at you… right?) You also dive deep into gender stuff, racial stuff, all the good things. You start to become full. 

You feel yourself becoming a whole human being and then the world rewards you with a sweet lil queerbb. You’ll like them, they’re from Hawaii and came back to SF by way of Portland. It’s gay af and you’re into it. It’s kind, the healthiest relationship you could muster in puppy love. You feel how young it is, how it’s mostly about sex and suddenly, it doesn’t feel as good. It didn’t have the longevity to match you. You break it off kindly, and you’re thankful for it. A gentle experience for your first relationship ever, at 25. But then you spiral a little. The queer scene in Oakland is good but also a complete mess, but so are you. You go back to Spain, it feels like torture. You run into that pub crawl dude you fell in love with (read: made a fool of yourself in front of by getting ostentatiously drunk and throwing yourself onto him. Remember? It would have had happened like… last week) and it is sufficiently awkward. And you cry. You cry literally everywhere. 

26 is the year that you definitely just lean into tears… and it won’t stop. *insert thumbs up emoji*

You get a therapist, you lose a best friend, and you find yourself again and again and again. You only take what serves you. 

You realize that sex, your favorite girl, has deceived you for years. She has told you that this feeling is the one you crave, but it’s empty, housed in the desires of men and nothing for you. You have had enough. You have had a taste of what healthy sex can look like and nothing else is as sweet. It’s unfair. After 12 years of having sex, it’s only at 26 where you know that this is true. It’s so fucked up. So you stop. 

Really. 

It’s the most rewarding and devastating journey you’ve ever taken and it’s still. so. fucking. hard.

You create bonds with people who live close to your soul in a way that has never felt as real as it does now. You find connection everywhere and it’s electrifying. You feel powerful all the time. 

Once, you had a full moon ceremony in your backyard in Oakland (this is what you do now because you’re so annoyingly and unbelievably queer) and your friend Tiara, who you instantaneously knew you needed in your life, looked you in the eye and said “You’ve spent your entire life being fire, it’s time to become ocean.” It changed you. You listened. 

You have your dream job, working in the gayest place on earth, besides Disneyland, cause you already did that one. You work in a queer sexual health clinic, fully tied into the make up what makes San Francisco great, but also so fucking complicated and it feels good. Your job is driving a huge RV bus and  swabbing buttholes all over town. It’s brilliant. You’re on the precipice of change. You feel more alive than you ever have in your entire life. You feel in control. 

Everything has felt so special and complete, growing every day. And you’re just so goddamn thankful. You feel lucky, which I bet is super weird to hear considering you drunkenly just considered having sex with that short German guy in a suit who wants to be Barney Stintson. (Do you regret that? Yes. You do.) 

And in the face of all this gratitude, the world is still so unbelievably hard. 

We are in a bizarre time where you’re currently stuck in a pandemic quarantine with the funniest roommate and some kid who walked on to your bus one day to get his asshole swabbed. You just spend your 28th birthday in lock down. It was weird, and beautiful, and kind. You cried like you always do on your birthday, but it might be one of your favorites. It was complex, just like you. 

And you currently feel like your body is betraying you in ways that you did not at all foresee. And it fucking hurts.  

You’re reckoning right now. You’re doing a lot of reckoning with things you thought were done, things you thought you’ve laid to rest years ago. Things that felt fine, but they surfaced in spaces you didn’t expect. It’s unkind, but you don’t have to be. You are full like the moon. Just because you can’t see her wholly, does not mean that she isn’t always full. You are always full.

Authenticity is the key to being taken seriously. Remember that one, you’re gonna need it. 

Love you, boo boo

kali diwa 

P.S. You don’t bone as hard as you did before, but there’s more days to be had... it’ll find you.

[blackbird-brewster]

I had two profound experiences today, extremely unrelated in context but both thought provoking after the fact. The first experience had to do with me getting my first library card in 18 years and how I was very anxious to go into the library for any reason other than to print something.  I will detail this experience in a different post but long story short, all of the embarrassment and shame I felt because of my learning disability melted away and I ended up spending nearly two hours just browsing books. I left feeling to included and happy, I actually cried tears of joy.  Fast forward to the second notable experience of my day. Tonight I went on a date with my flat mate to “Naked Girls Reading: The Feminist Propaganda Edition”. Naked Girls Reading is apparently a sort of “brand”, started in the US as a protest against the ways women’s bodies are usually sexualized when naked. The theory is exactly what it sounds like, performers are completely nude and read aloud to the audience.  I had never heard of this amazing concept, so I jumped at the invitation. ESPECIALLY since tonight’s theme was feminism. I figured naked women reading feminist works sounded AUHMAZING.  [Rest behind a cut for length and transphobia]

The event was hosted by a popular personality in the New Zealand LGBTQPIA scene. They are a self labeled transvestite that MC’s events as their drag king persona, Hugo Grrrl. I assumed, if it was hosted by a gender diverse person it was going to be fairly inclusive.  Welp, you know what they say about assuming. 

Things started promising as Hugo opened their monologue with my favorite greeting “Guys, gals and nonbinary pals”. Hugo then went on to talk about some of the topics of the night including body positivity, body hair, porn, sex work, sex positivity, etc. It sounded really exciting and inter-sectional, I was pumped.

Within the ten minute monologue there was also the disclaimer that “Although this is called “Naked Girls Reading”, gender is a spectrum and the binary is bullshit.” (woo, yeah!!) ”...We only call it that because it was started in America and we didn’t come up with the name.” (Wait, what?)

Ok... but you could literally just call it “Naked People Reading” or “Naked Folx Reading” or ANYTHING else if you want to TRULY be inclusionary. I wasn’t even concerned about the title UNTIL Hugo made the point to say gender binary is bullshit... but then to say “meh, we didn’t come up with the title we’re just being complacent in it” Was sort of shitty.  If you are trying to include people, then INCLUDE them. Don’t say “Hey I’m not transphobic, BUT....” There was no point of this disclaimer other than to point out you recognized a problem but would rather go along with it than change one word of the title of the show.  Things only went down hill from there. A few minutes later as Hugo was wrapping up the monologue they wanted to get the crowd pumped before introducing the performers for the evening. To do this, Hugo had “all the women cheer!” (which they did) then followed by “now all the men!” (which they did). It turned out it was just a set up to make the men a punchline of a very stereotypical “feminist hate men” joke. These jokes are always obnoxious and yes, I recognize Hugo was trying to connect to the large feminist audience so we could all laugh at how society views us...but again, we were back at only acknowledging the gender binary. 

Now I realize many people right now will think I’m being extremely cynical. “Kit, you can’t say someone is being trans exclusionary if they are a queer that self identifies as a transvestite!” But I can because they were.  If you are going to mention nonbinary people. If you are going to make a point of talking about how the binary is bullshit. If you want to have a disclaimer that gender is a spectrum. It’s ALL or nothing.  Inclusion isn’t “I acknowledged you, you should be happy” it’s “I acknowledged you AND included you with everyone else as if we’re all the same.

The monologue is over, I am properly uncomfortable and agitated, the performers come out. From the promises of topics, I expected diversity. Again, that nasty assuming sure got the better of me.

Instead I get two skinny women and one average sized woman. They all appear to be white (although one was painted head to toe in blue and pink body paint as a My Little Pony...and later I learned she isn’t actually white.) They’re naked. So I can tell body hair isn’t really happening. A bit of bush but perfectly smooth everywhere else. All have shoulder length or longer hair and present very feminine.  Idk, again, maybe I was just so cynical by this point that I let my critic get away with me. I just wonder how hard it would be to find a more diverse cast? Am I just too deep in tumblr culture to expect to see different size bodies at a feminist reading? Or people with actual body hair, especially since there was a point of mentioning it in the monologue? Tattoos? Scars? Short hair? Disabilities? More racial diversity? (Again, the one woc was painted blue. And I feel shitty for thinking she was white but they could have included dark skinned people too.)  Introductions are done. The de-robing has happened. We now have three naked women sitting on a couch. Let’s read “feminist propaganda”! Some pretty typical stuff, Maya Angelou, Gloria Steinem, big names of the feminist movement. There was a reading of an MRA’s post from some MRA website. (Why are we giving MRA’s an audience at a FEMINIST reading?!) Intermission.  During intermission, I got up the courage to go speak to Hugo and mention why I was peeved at the start of the show with the women/men division of the audience. They shrugged and said “well it was a set up to a punch line” I smiled and replied, “I realize that but don’t you think trans folks are the punch line enough?” They tried to back track but it got awkward and I walked away. Hugo does some “feminist” trivia during the break. Throwing prize bags of tampons and chocolate to whoever shouts the correct answer. 

One question asks what does “SWERF” stand for. A woman yells the answer and Hugo repeats it back to the audience and says “Sex work exclusionary feminism isn’t feminism. Sex work is real work!” It would have been so easy to also educate about TERFs. They don’t. The irony is not lost on me. 

More trivia. I win one. I’m told, “Here enjoy these tampons!” I catch it and yell back, “Not all women have vaginas” I turn to the women at our table and say, “Hello, I don’t need tampons and I hate chocolate. Enjoy” They gladly accept. Back to the readings... A dramatic reading of Spice Girl lyrics. Some very heteronormative erotica. A reading of a radfem manifesto of the 70s (that included very acephobic commentary) And then, the woman painted as a MLP says she’s going to read Ivan E Coyote.  Now, for those of you who haven’t been blessed with reading their works or seeing Ivan perform (I just saw them again last week!), they are a trans writer from Canada. Very well known in LGBTQPIA circles. AMAZINGLY pure and moving stories and poems and “literary Doritos”. They are an amazing human being and have quickly become one of my favorite queer authors.  SO I AM STOKED!! This night has been so cishet heavy and I’m crank, I am READY to end it with Ivan. Ivan has written four of five books, has mountains of published poetry and she chooses to read a piece that is so personal to me. She prefaces this with a quick word about Ivan being an LGBTQ author. But fails to mention they’re a trans masculine person who identifies as a Tom Boy.  The piece starts out as a love letter to femmes who are often erased from Queer culture because they are “assumed” to be straight. But then turns to Ivan’s journey through figuring out they were trans and how they became jealous of femmes sometimes and how they will never be seen as who they are. How they will always be coming out of the closet over and over and over. Because their identity isn’t “visibly recognized” because it’s outside the binary.  I sob every time I hear this poem because it is so personal to me. The first time I heard it was when Ivan performed in Chch last August. I was in the midst of struggling with how the world saw me and this poem touched a part of me I thought no one would <i>ever</i> understand.  I sobbed again tonight. My flat mate patted my hand. She sobbed too for the same reasons. The journey to figuring out your identity can be so isolating, terrifying and lonely. But when you hear your story being told by someone who is on a stage, with an audience, talking as if your journey was the most normal and natural experience....it’s an emotional time.  After she finished, the performer stated “As a cis woman, I obviously do not identity with the narrator. I do however think this poem speaks to me as a femme. Because we are often overlooked.” (This gets cheers from the audience) I feel sick inside. This cis woman just spoke the very personal words of a trans person bearing their soul and claimed it as a poem for her.  No. You don’t get to do that. You don’t get to bend it to your whim. If you want to include poetry or stories about the trans experience, YOU FUCKING INCLUDE TRANS PERFORMERS.  Thank god the night was over.  My flat mate and I are sitting at our table deciding how to make our own event called “Naked Queers Reading” and how much better it would be. We’re minding our own business when out of the corner of my eye I see a crowd around the stage area.  Of course. There’s a man who has taken off his shirt to pose with the naked women so he can get his buddy to take his picture. Of fucking course there is. That’s when we left.  I don’t know if I am just lucky to live in such a comfortable Queer circle of friends that I’ve become blind to the world of heternormative, patriarchal bullshit or if I am truly too fucking cynical to go out in public...but fuck was I disappointed with tonight.  Anyway, if you made it through this entire post, thank you. I promise I’ll post a really lovely story about the library tomorrow. Right now I want to watch Ivan E Coyote performances on YouTube and drink my tea from my Unicorn Elixer mug. 

[animalsoffarmsanctuary]

In Loving Memory: Nic Dufour

Today, we mourn the loss of a beloved friend and member of the Farm Sanctuary family: Nicole “Nic” Dufour, a treasured member of our Northern California Facilities team, who sadly passed away a few weeks ago. For several years, Nic put her heart and soul into Farm Sanctuary life, first as a volunteer, and later as an employee. To say that we are heartbroken by her loss would be an understatement — it is never easy to lose a colleague, teammate, and friend, and all who knew and loved Nic can attest to the difficulty of her passing.

Nic embodied all that it means to be a “humanimal”: she cherished the connections she established with human and non-human animals alike, and always strived to put compassion first, on and off the sanctuary grounds. Her dedication and service to Farm Sanctuary’s rescued residents was a true act of love — and while work on the shelter is not always glamorous, she did it with a smile and a passion for making the world a better place, one life at a time.

Nic’s can-do spirit brightened our days, and her gentle presence was a treasured asset to Farm Sanctuary’s rescue, education, and advocacy work. We remember her with fondness and deep admiration, and we’re thankful to have shared our lives with such an incredible advocate for compassionate living. Nic’s life has touched us forever, and her legacy will always live on in our hearts. Her journey inspires us to find strength on her behalf, and on behalf of the incredible animals she loved and dedicated her life to helping each day.

We’re honored to share tributes from the “humanimals” who knew and loved Nic most. Through memories like theirs, Nic’s memory lives on — and we continue to feel her presence in our lives as we strive to emulate the compassionate life she led each day.

Nic’s boss, National Facilities Manager Chad Richmond, expressed how we all feel about the untimely loss of this beloved humanimal, coworker, and friend.

“The Orland staff is truly heartbroken, as are many others that knew Nic through Farm Sanctuary and the local community.” Chad says. “I first met Nic several years ago when she was volunteering at one of our events at the sanctuary, and I remember her telling me back then how Farm Sanctuary was a great place that had changed her life for the better.  So I was not surprised when Nic messaged me asking for a job, and that she had to be at the sanctuary full-time somehow.  I had an opportunity open up for Nic and she had been working here as a farm assistant for more than a year.    

“The farm assistant position is a difficult job and it takes a special person like Nic to be successful at it. It really is at the heart of what we do at Farm Sanctuary. The farm assistants are the ones cleaning the barns, moving hay, and transporting the animals. I often tell people that if you take this position, you will be incredibly tired and dirty at the end of every day; however, if you have the right attitude it can be the most rewarding  job ever. This was true for Nic. She was a person that really cared about the animals, enjoyed the hard work, and was able to see the impact she was having on the lives of our animals.  

“She recently stated that she wanted to work here forever. She was a truly compassionate person that cared about others — her friends, family, and community. I’ll never forget this conversation I had with Nic last year. Nic was going through some hard times outside of work and I asked her if she thought she was going to be able to continue on with Farm Sanctuary. She burst into tears and said, ‘I love my job, I love the people I work with, and I love the animals. This is where I feel at home and I need to be here.’ This was truly a sanctuary for her too, and I hope her friends and coworkers can find some comfort in that.  

“I personally loved that I never had to worry about Nic being in a bad mood here. Whether something needed fixing or overtime was needed, she never hesitated to jump right to it and do it with a smile on her face. She is surely missed by our staff and of course all of the animals who benefited from her care, laughter, and concern — not to mention the vegan community in Chico and the interns who have had the pleasure of being able to know and work with her who are no longer here. We have received many kind words and thoughts from them, and I know they would love it if they knew how much we all appreciate that.

“Thank you all for your support.”

Volunteer Program Coordinator Kameke Brown began her Farm Sanctuary journey while interning at our Northern California Shelter, where she met Nic.

“I've been trying to put my finger on what exactly was so special about Nic,” says Kameke. “She started working at our Northern California shelter shortly after I had begun my internship there. When we first met, she said something along the lines of ‘Oh yeah, I know you. I've seen you around here before,’ and I, confused, assured her that she had not. I was struck by the way she carried herself — self-assured and confident, always grinning or chuckling and never without that sparkling glint in her eye, telling of some mischief, joy, or dream. No, we had not met before and we did not know each other, but from that first introduction we connected and she made me feel cared about and appreciated like a dear and cherished friend she had always known. She came off as someone who'd come to be at home in herself and who knew without a shadow of doubt that she had found exactly where she wanted to be.

“It was clear that Farm Sanctuary was also a sanctuary and home for Nic. She would constantly go on about this grand idea she had for us all to have a picnic together out on the hills of the cattle pasture while watching the sun set. She was so generous and kind in that way — anything her heart could think to give, she'd offer ... endless plates of Chinese food and pesto pizza with toasted pumpkin seeds were among my favorites. Nic would never hesitate to welcome you into her home, but, little did she know, she had a way of making you feel at home anytime you were with her — no matter where you were. But you know what struck me most of all? It was the way she believed in me. She marveled at people and animals like they were something special. I think her genuinely believing that helped them to see that in themselves, too. I mean ... what wasn't special about Nic? One of the biggest hearts I've ever known, the love she shared always felt like the most priceless of gifts. Her light still shines a beacon of hope that seems to say to me ‘When you dream your dreams, dream that they are possible and they will be.’ That's how Nic always seemed to dream, at least — her dreams weren't far off and away, but always so real and alive in the moment the way she would describe them. That's how I dream of her now. I know that all the love that she gave away is still here — I can feel it — rippling out over the hills of the cattle pasture and spilling into the horizon, onward still, out toward the setting sun.”

Rebecca Thompson, former Farm Sanctuary Volunteer Program Coordinator, remembers Nic as a stabilizing source of compassionate energy, a trusted confidant, and most especially, as a beloved friend. 

“The quality that I admired and loved most about Nic — what made her so special — is how selfless she was,” Rebecca says. “She gave so fully and selflessly of herself to everyone she loved. And this included Farm Sanctuary's human and non-human residents. I feel so grateful to have known Nic and appreciate how dedicated and passionate she was in her work and life.

“I met her at the 2013 Orland Hoe Down; she was volunteering and it was my first weekend living and working at that location. I remember being so worried about being able to make friends when I moved there. Nic and I hit it off instantly and I felt like our connection was a sign from the universe not to worry about making new friends — that I already had. And I remember thinking right away that Nic was one of the funniest, coolest people I had ever met, and that is how I still think of her.

“Nic was dedicated to being fully and openly herself, no matter what others thought of her. And that quality about her always inspired me. Nic is a friend who helped me to grow and evolve in understanding my personal queer identity, and was one of the first people who lovingly gave me permission to be me; to identify however was most truthful to me; and to let go of the pressure of fitting into a particular category. That unconditional support she gave was so important in our friendship, and a quality that I strove to reciprocate to her.”

Shelter Manager Kate Powell remembers Nic as a loving soul who went above and beyond her work to value each individual as someone, not something. 

“The young goats and sheep you see were her favorite group of guys to hang out with,” Kate says. “She loved those babies, and it wasn’t uncommon to see her up with them an hour after her shift had ended — just playing with them or hanging out with them. Nic was often staying after her shift to hang out with the different animals on the farm. She cared so much for all of the animals, and it was evident in her daily work with them.”

Caregiver Kat Thorpe remembers the sheer joy that Nic brought to Farm Sanctuary life, and how she served as a beautiful example of compassionate change among humanimals just like her. 

“One of the things I noticed about Nic right away was that bringing the animals joy, truly brought her joy too,” Kat recalls. “You didn’t have to know her that well for it to be absolutely apparent that she sincerely loved and cared for the animals here.”

Nic joyfully throws watermelons down for the pigs in a series of photos captured by Kat.

Sophia Rivers, Nic’s former partner and a former Farm Sanctuary staffer, leaves us with a beautiful memory of our dear friend; we invite you to share in this beloved tradition, and to toast this incredible ambassador for compassionate living, whose legacy will always live on in our hearts.

“When I met Nic, I was working as the Education Coordinator at the Orland sanctuary,” Sophia remembers. “Nic was vegan-curious, and loved hearing stories of the rescued animals living at Farm Sanctuary. She grew up with innumerable rescued kittens and cats, and loved the idea of a farm animal shelter. Nic came to visit me at work shortly after we met, and left Farm Sanctuary a farm animal activist and committed vegan.

“The first time I visited Nic at her home in Nevada, I wanted to impress her with amazing vegan food, so I cooked a giant batch of cashew cheese. I didn’t have a container with a lid, so I put the cheese in a bowl and covered it in about 6 layers of aluminum foil, in the hopes it wouldn’t spill. When I presented it to Nic, she laughed and called it Space Cheese, since it looked like a UFO in that container.

“In honor of her incredible sense of humor, infectious laugh, and love of good food, here is Nic’s Space Cheese recipe:

•       1/2 cup raw cashews •       1 tbsp tahini •       1 1/2 tbsp lemon juice •       2 tsp apple cider vinegar •       1 cup water •       1/2 tsp sea salt •       1/4 tsp prepared yellow mustard •       1 tbsp arrowroot powder •       1/2 tsp paprika •       1/4 tsp turmeric •       1 tbsp neutral-flavored oil •       1 ½ -2 tbsp nutritional yeast “Combine all ingredients in a blender and puree until very smooth. Transfer mixture to a medium saucepan, and heat over low heat for 5-8 minutes, until mixture is starting to slowly bubble and thicken (stir frequently through heating).

“To eat in true Nic style, serve with plenty of tortilla chips, pinto beans, salsa, and avocado; devour 2/3 of the bowl in one sitting, take a break, then eat the rest before the end of the day.”

We’ll miss you, Nic. We thank you and remember you for your compassion, and are honored to have shared your journey with you.