#and stay safe and healthy too okay!! i just slept for like 14 hours straight hope u got that going for u too 🙏🏼

[kyuala]

Omg 🌈 I love your blog and how interactive u are. Its so cute ☁️🌸. Ur treasure reactions descriptions! ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ They have a certain umm.. je ne sais quoi about them👨‍🍳👄 (askska ihm) I took your quiz and got ruru and that descrip made me wanna fight him but also squeeze his cheeks (face cheeks 🤦swat team plz). Anyways I'm rambling ill lurk🥸 in the shadows on ur blog cuz im too nervous to not be anon 🥲

Stay safe and take care of yourself. Your health is always first. 💙💜💙💜🫂

🌻Oh for all the groups u write for who are your biases/biaswreckers? *peers at "send junkyu pics"* also what's ur fav and least fav songs for those groups?🧐

🦫🐣🪱

omg hi!!!!! PLS this made me cry ur so cute!!!!! jdjsjdjdk and thank you so much for reading them! "je ne sais quoi" made me giggle jdjdjjd im glad u like them 🥰🥰🥰 and OMG YOU GOT RUTOOOOO hes just the cutest isnt he 🤕 we gon fight him together cause hes also a lil too dramatic dw and ofc omg ur welcome to stay around and be on anon for as long as u want!!! and if u ever feel comfortable enough to come off anon you'll be just as welcome too ok 🥰😚

im sorry im on mobile n cant put a read more here bc this turned into some Paragraphs

oooo okay so. in ikon my bias was hanbin (and i think it forever will be tbh ult tingz) but if we're talking current members it's j*nhoe i know dont mention it 🤢✋🏼 and bias wrecker probably dongdong? i love him so much but recently it could be jinhwan too? who knows. my fav song is miss adore you! she completely rules my life. least fav idk probably that one song they did that sounds like an anime intro im not rly into that jdndjdjdjd

in monsta my biases are both kihyun (ult too as u can see by my mx sideblog url @kihyunrising 😔✋🏼) AND changkyun so as you can also see i never get a moment of peace in this house. my bias wrecker is jooheon tho so it's okay i guess 🥰 and fav song i'd HAVE to go with mohae she CHANGED my life .. she was actually my most listened to track of 2019 on spotify lmfao least fav.. idk i used to have a vengeance against follow (bc of everything that happened around that era too) but recently my friend got me into it so like.. idk? mx is the one group i stan that im probably least musically compatible with lmao so u could probably guess its like. half of their discography maybe.

now for nct it just changes ALL the time cause we know its just too many bitches in there BUT my bias is jaemin and he's also another ult! bias wreckers hoo boy recently all of dream but jaehyun is a frequent visitor too. fav song from nct overall ngl.... its still miss the 7th sense like she RLY was a cultural reset. least fav idk theres a lot i dont rly have any feelings towards but i think i actually Dislike kick it (or punch idk whichever one DOESNT mention bruce lee bc i actually like the bruce lee part)

in pentagon my bias is shinwon bc hes literally insane and wrecker i'd prob say jino-kino but yanan been testing me lately yuto too 🤕 fav song is still shine i mean cmonnnnnn. least fav..... this is hard but maybe that one that sounds like an anime intro too? (can u see a theme here)

for tbz bias is sunwoo (self-plugging again join the @sunwooloveclub 👩🏽‍🦯) and wrecker...... hyunjae anyways moving on fav song is scar you know whyyyyyy (sunwoo whispering). least fav. this is so funny bc ddd just popped into my head but i actually LIKE that sobg 🗣️ God i dont know

now for our boys treasure!!!!! AS YOU CAN PROBABLY GUESS my bias is junkyu im forever his servant 😩 and bias wreckers also change a lot but god idk yoshi? hyunsuk?? ALL of them???????? fav song is still a tie between going crazy and mmm 🥰 as for least fav..... orange is the only b-side that i think actually Slaps so prob slowmotion or beautiful? the rest r very cute i think

ALSO OMG i'd love to hear what ur favorites/least favorites are (members and songs) for each group u stan too!!!!! im all ears 👂🏼

[seashelbytravel]

Khao Sok National Park & Father’s Day

Date of post: June 19, 2019

Location of post: Chiang Mai, Thailand

Date of venture: June 14-16, 2019

Location of venture: Khao Sok National Park, Surat Thani, Thailand

From Krabi, we took a bus to the village right outside of the enterance the Khao Sok National Park.

One of the oldest remaining parts of the natural rainforest, dating back hundreds of millions of years. Preserved by a terrible small pox outbreak that killed 80% of the village population in the 1940’s, and then protected by a rouge group of communists during the 70’s who practiced geurilla warfare tactics warding off colonialism.

We didn’t know where we were going to stay so we hopped in that back bed of a locals truck and headed into town center.

We were dropped at the Green Mountain guest house, where we ate the best food we’ve experienced in Thailand yet. We’ve hit close to 8 towns before arriving here.

John asked to meet the chef and, our waitress got a look on her face, I think she assumed we were going to complain. We told her that her cooking was the best we’ve had yet. We told her about all of the towns we’d dined in before hers. She was so happy, but more surprised that we wanted so badly to tell her how wonderful her crafted cooking was. And it was artiful.

I love Tom Yum Goong. It’s my favorite dish I’ve had here, but I’m making it a point to eat something different as much as I can. And that’s been a pretty easy feat. So. Much. Delicious. Food. And I LOVE the Thai spice. It’s not debilitating and all encompassing like in Texas. Although, don’t get me wrong, I love our TexMex. Thai spice has so many other flavors that compliment the fire you’re eating.

We ended up staying at the guesthouse where the restraraunt resided. Our room was very nice and tucked away. When we first arrived, I walked up to the super sweet pupper of the guesthouse. I said “Hi baby” and without looking, his tail started thumping.

His name was “Coffee” and he looked like a little adorable hybrid dog bear. So sweet. When we left, John threw him some chicken. He slept outside of our room the two nights we stayed.

We scheduled our “jungle trek”. Two days, one night on Cheow Lan Lake. Sleeping on floating bungalo’s in the middle of the lake.

The next morning the van picked us up, and we immediately met a couple from Colorado. They were my age, and traveling for two weeks. Julie and Joe. Easy to remember all the “J’s”. I thought we were going to be alone, and honestly I was glad to meet other people our age.

We picked up two 18-something British couples who were only a few days into their trip, and obviously processing that they weren’t in Kansas anymore.

We picked up one more French couple, and they became our travel buddies after we emerged from the jungle. Emma and Jordan. Not “Jor-Dan”. Say it with the French accent and the name sounds so much more beautiful beacause, duh. French vs. English in terms of diction, French will always be the more beautiful of the languages, in my opioln.

Okay. We took an hour long, long boat ride to our bungalows. John and I sat in the front. About halfway through the boat ride, we noticed a heavy mist setting in, blurring our sight. Not mist. Rain. You like pina coladas? I do. And getting caught in the rain? I definitely do. We were soaked in 30 seconds. I loved it.

We got to our bungalow and had lunch prepared by the family who lived and hosted these tours with our companions. Then, jungle hike time.

Okay. I wore leggings, a white t, and my trail shoes. We pulled up the the trail on longboat and the first thing we see is a sign that read “DANGER Trail Closed”.

Okiiiiiiii... trusting. Trust is paramount here.

We started anyway. So beautiful. The air smelled healthy. Like it was hosting millions of happy flora. And it was. We hiked for 30 min before our guide stopped us for a “leech check”. Now, I imagine leeches as the big fat black buggies we see in the movies. Nope. The suckers (haha) looks like desperate little earth worms, sprouting out of the ground, clinging to the first bit of your they could. I didn’t have any! Yay! Neither did John. We kept going.

We got to a part in our hike where I guided turned to us and said “Okay, very steep. We climb like monkeys”. Cool. We both (Johnny and I) have our own natural rock climbing experiences (it’s been a while for me, but it really is like riding a bike and my confidence came back quickly) but I was worried about our fellow hikers. Especially the young British ones. Said a quick lil prayer that no one would be harmed. Glad I did because we were literally climbing what John and I think to be a 5.4 on the climbing scale. A legitimate climb. But no one was hurt, not even a scrape (I think). John and I headed the group right behind our guide. Mind you, this man was climbing in FLIP FLOPS. His confidence gave my own a boost. John watched where the guide placed his feet, and I John, and so on. We would call down the line when something was extra slippery or more tough than normal. We were all responsible for each other’s. That’s a uniting feeling.

We finally reached the top. It’s the 6th picture in this post. John was on a perch and looked down to a 200 ft drop. Straight down. He is terrified of free heights and there he was. I was very proud of him. But, his face changed when he realized where he was sitting. We look to our right, and the biggest rainbow took form. Y’all. If you don’t believe in God, spend some time in nature. I’m a very faithful person. I love God more than anything. God has shown itself to me in the most divine ways. This rainbow being one instance, amoung a plethora of divinity. It wasn’t there when we reached the top. But felt like a “You made it!” gift.

Ok, LEECH CHECK. Guess what. I had those sons of beaches all under the tounge of my shoe. Just, enjoying my blood. I was so skeeved out. I don’t have many specific fears. Grasshoppers and crickets gross me out, but I’m no baby when it comes to bugs. These really freaked me out. We all had them. They are sneaky. And pulling them off actually hurts, and you bleed a lot more than if you let them do their business and fall off. Our guides called them “vampires”.

From the mountain, we went to a smaller waterfall (not pictured) and our guide went first to make sure it was safe. He gave the thumbs up and all the guys got up to explore. I thought “uh, I didn’t come to Thailand to sit in a boat” so Julie (our American friend) and I both followed. I stood under that waterfall and it washed away all of the sweat from the jungle. Julie and I both. The guys returned to the boat and Julie and I finally headed back. You ever hear of quick sand? Ha. I was wading in the water back to the boat when all of a sudden, my left leg sank down so fast, all the way up to my hip. But, my right was on firm ground. For real, thank God because I feel like that could’ve been a very bad situation. I’m so proud of my body and its ability. Thankful for it. Grateful to it.

We went back and swam in the lake. We drank rum with our new friends and ate dinner that was caught in the lake. We stayed up late playing “Rummi”. Mom and I used to play it all the time, and it felt like another sign that we were right where we were supposed to be.

Back to the mainland. Our new friends Emma and Jordan, from France, hadn’t decided on a place to stay, so we suggested ours. They booked a room, and it was right next to ours. Yay! We decided to hike more of the park together. I love Emma and Jordan.

You know, with all the bad politics happening everywhere, we are all the same. Emma and I spoke openly about the political turmoil in France and America. We are the same. Emma and me, and France and America. Don’t judge. Just read and absorb.

My fearless sweet heart. We found the waterfall! The big one. We all waded and swam past currents. I probably wouldn’t have been so adventurous in getting to them (and I’m not sure Jordan or Emma wolves been, but they were adventurous in those own lovely way) if my monkey man wasn’t jumping into random pools, jumping from rock to rock. I was a good jumper too, and so were Emma and Jordan! I felt confident. Our waterfall is pictured below.

I love Emma and Jordan. And I cherish our time together. Too short. That’s the crux of traveling. You meet wonderful (again, that word doesn’t even come close to fully encompassing how I feel about the people we meet) people who become in stand “best friends”. And then you have to say “goodbye”. That’s the hardest part.

Walking back from the national park, Emma and I walked together and John and Jordan ahead.

After our honest conversation about politics in the place we love and call home, the conversation turned to family. Emma’s parents run a farm in France, and she helps them. She’s also an occupational therapist for the mantally ill. At a psychiatric hospital. Amazing. She’s 24. I told her about how my mom lived across the country, and when I told her it would take me 3 days to drive (if I sped) or $300 round trip to fly, and that I got to see her once a year, if I was lucky, she was shocked.

I told her I had no brothers or sisters, and inevitably the dad question was answered. She lovingly (without my saying) validated how lonley I must feel. That loneliness. Errrgg. I keep packed down. For lots of reasons. I’ve been shamed for it, inadvertently, and truthfully, sometimes people don’t know how to precieve it. And sometimes, I have such a bleeding heart about it that the last thing I want to do is make someone uncomfortable. And I definitely never want to be a “Debby Downer”. But we were speaking truthfully about our home situations. She was empathetic, kind, and so loving. I told her about my own trip and my father’s own travels. She said “it sounds like a sign to me”. And we exchanged French and English meanings for “goosebumps”. I love her for that conversation. And for many other connections we shared.

We walked the rest of the way home together. Then we had dinner and drinks on our shared porch.

She wrote in my journal and I’ll remember her forever. Hopefully, I’ll get out to northern France for a visit one day.

I didn’t mention I pulled 5 more microscopic leeches off of myself over the next 12 hours. 4, I found in the shower AFTER John, Emma, Jordan and I finished our own trek and... the nasty one. It had lodged itself in my leg. And I found it while still on the bungalows. Our guide poured alcohol on it and popped it out like a pimple. Gross. You’re welcome for that visual.

Not poisoness and I’m not dead so, yay.

Father’s Day was the best I’ve had since my dad died. He is my greatest guide, and will continue to be until I meet him again in heaven.

He was the greatest. Ever. I’m so lucky he created 50% of me. And I’m so much more like him than I ever thought I’d be. I posted about the significance of my trip and him on Facebook and Instagram. I never felt like crying. That’s new to me and I’m totally into it. Grieving, in the sorrowful way, is draining and I never let myself experience otherwise. But this felt like a gift.

This was long. Thank you for reading.

[witchofenoch]

Personal post. Content warnings: PTSD, depression, anxiety, self-hatred, self-doubt, frustration, miscarriage, infertility, gender issues, trans issues, emotional abuse, childhood abuse, nightmares, insomnia, prostitution mentioned but didn't occur, childhood sexual abuse alluded to, physical abuse implied

Writing the warnings is so tiring I usually discard the post before I even finish with them. Nothing's getting better or easier tonight though. I just want to read until I fall asleep and have decent dreams and wake up feeling human. Instead I'm wide awake at midnight, chest full to bursting with frustration and anger and grief and fear.

I'm frustrated with so much, it's a shorter list by far of what isn't frustrating me. My biggest frustration? Myself. Not just because of my mental illnesses or autism or dysphoria or anything like that; I'm frustrated as hell at my nightmares. I want to sleep, NEED to just sleep, but I'd rather be awake for 4 straight days, pass out, repeat. I'm terrified of seeing that monster. With every nightmare he touches me more and my dream self excuses and forgives him more. Maybe some people could accept that as healing or moving on, but it's pure terror for me. What he did was completely unforgivable. He is the worst of the monsters out there. I feel like I've been hexed, like there's something attached to me that's gnawing at my soul and tearing at my mind.

I'm so damn angry. At him, absolutely, but also at the many, many adults who were around when I was a kid: who knew something was wrong and chose to ignore it: who blocked it out with no thought spared for the child going through it. The adults who blamed my mom, my sister, and me for his behavior. The people who took advantage of me later knowing that I knew nothing else or nothing better. The kids in high school who started rumors that I was a prostitute because he, "an old man," "picked [me] up at the bus stop" and made me "kiss him" on the lips when I was a teenager (quotes around the parts they spread through about half of the school, though they exaggerated the lewdness which has only fueled my nightmares since). It's been a decade and a half and my anger toward all of them hasn't eased: mostly it's gotten worse. I look at the kids my sister nannies, friends' kids, celebs' kids, and I cannot fathom someone hurting them. I'm angry at being left alone to grieve every loss in my life, being told to "get over it" or being flat-out ignored until I could "get it together" long enough to fake being okay. I'm angry at the would-have-been fathers for making me suffer in silence. (One didn't and we're friends to this day. He deserves to be mentioned.)

I'm grieving. I'm mourning the kid I couldn't be, the me who was taken before they were made, the years I don't remember, the adult I'll never be, the freedom I'll never feel, the memories I didn't get to make. I'm mourning the years wasted trying to get someone to pay attention to me: to show me some kind, any kind, of affection. Even the high school dances I couldn't attend, first because I was in fear for my life and later because no one wanted me around. I'm grieving for the miscarriages I've had, all 7 of them, all 8 could-have-beens.

I'm afraid and it's exhausting. Flinching at every single sudden noise. My heart pounding almost as loud as the knocks on the door. Always scanning the room or courtyard or parking garage for escape routes before I notice anything else around me. Feeling physically ill for the rest of the day after I smell certain colognes, shampoos, laundry detergents. Frantically glancing around to find potential weapons when I see an Iron Maiden t-shirt on a stocky guy around my height or almost-pastel short-sleeved button up shirts with a front pocket on one side or a petite brunette wearing a mini-skirt. (Abusers come in all shapes, sizes, and genders, fyi.) Straight-up hiding behind shelves in stores or behind a rack of clothes, in bathrooms, fitting rooms, closets, a dark corner until the people who sorta look or sound like One of Them is gone. Hiding (from) my phone when I get a call from "Unknown" or just numbers I don't know. Blocking or deactivating cameras and mics in my computers, phones, and tablets because yes, I've been hacked by abusers more than once. Hiding under a blanket when I read at night because when I was a kid it was the only time I felt safe aside from when I'd climb to the top of my tree. Being unable to sleep if the door is cracked open. Startling awake at anything that sounds like a door slamming shut, a window opening, someone knocking on the door, wall, or windows. Waking up with panic for no discernable reason. Cringing at certain words. Wanting to fight someone if they call a girl, boy, or woman "babydoll," "doll face," "little girl/boy," "little one," "baby girl/boy" (if they're 5 or older), or any other infantilizing pet name because You Will Not Hurt Them.

I'm tired. So damn tired. My shoulders are sore, my hips ache, my knees throb, my wrists ache, my back aches, my head hurts, my neck is stiff and sore, my chest feels like it's in a vice, my boobs hurt, and all of that is all the time. I have scars from the back of my head to ankles. I have old injuries that'll probably never heal. I have crap wrong that I was just unlucky enough to have been born with. I have things wrong with me that doctors can't figure out, like why I've had 7 miscarriages over 11 years and not one pregnancy that lasted more than 12 weeks. Things doctors refuse to fix, like removing my boobs which constantly ache, touching certain areas causes sharp pain (they have all of that on file and diagnosed), and I can't gain and maintain a healthy weight because the dysphoria messes me up (but good luck getting good trans "counseling" and docs and a surgeon who'll "diagnose" you as trans with dysphoria AND agree to operate to make you LESS feminine in any way in Churchy McChurchville). "Insurance won't cover it." "You might regret it." "What if you decide to have kids later." (That last one is a whole other can of worms and I need all of that stuff out of me too but even at almost 30 I'm condescended and told I'll change my mind, regret it, meet a Really Nice Guy™ and want to start a family, blah blah bull.)

I've had my battles with insomnia for as long as I can remember (which, for more than bits-and-pieces, is only as far back as 14). I've had night terrors since I was an infant. I've stayed awake for almost 60 hours, and I've slept for 25 hours straight. For a while in high school I was so scared that I got an hour or two of sleep a day when my sister was home and awake but her boyfriend wasn't there. That would last 6 days out of the week. I'd crash for 10-12 hours on my mom's day off. Rinse and repeat for 2 or 3 years. I've been a homeless kid, a couch surfing teenager, and a constantly moving adult. I haven't lived in one place for more than 2 years since we left The Monster when I was a preteen. Even then, I've shuffled around from my parents' house to my sister's apartments (she moves every couple of years too) to my grandma's house before she moved into an independent living place. (It's actually nice. I was the hardest to convince.) I may have found a place to stay for a while: the area if not the apartment.

Still.. the nightmares. Waking up sideways across the bed. Waking up so tangled in my covers I start panicking trying to get out. Seeing their faces until I finally blink them away. Smelling beer or smoke as I'm finally drifting off. Night terrors. Waking up with bruises around my arms, wrists, and legs. Waking up still feeling like someone's touching me, hurting me, or breathing down my neck. My dreams can be totally mundane except A or C or, the most often and worst, The Monster will be there. When it's A or C they'll be watching me, talking to me, chasing me, fighting me, screaming at me. It's a nightmare, stressful as hell, but I recover and go about my day just a tad more on edge. The Monster will just show up and we'll act like we're trying to form a relationship, like he's gotten nice and I've been forgiving. But every time he touches me I feel so sick I'm surprised I don't wake up. My sister and sometimes others show up trying to make me stop the farce, but I'm always too scared.

This last dream, night before last.. It was boring, nothing remarkable was going on. Then The Monster showed up in a city cop's blue uniform. In that world he was apparently an actual cop. With each nightmare dream!me has let him slowly get closer and closer and had long-arm hugged him before this. He'd "accidentally" brush my arm when walking by or bump his leg against mine while sitting next to me. This time he, the cop iteration of him, reached up for something on a shelf above me and was pressed against my back. He hugged me. He had me sit almost on his lap. At first I was nauseated, then accepting of it, then my sister showed up and gave me the "wtf are you doing!?" face and I got scared. Eventually I woke up, probably when my brother-in-law left for work or maybe he came into the room to feed the fish. I'm just glad I woke up when I did and things stopped escalating.

Ugh. "2am and I'm still awake writing a song. If I get it all down on paper it's no longer inside of me threatening the life it belongs to. And I feel like I'm naked in front of a crowd 'cause these words are my diary screaming out loud and I know that you'll use them however you want to." I don't know. Whenever I'm up late writing, or trying to write, the stuff I'm going through that song comes to mind. So much of it is relatable for me.

"May he turned 21 on the base at Fort Bliss. 'Just today' he said down to the flask in his fist. Ain't been sober since maybe October of last year." Turning 21 in May and not being sober for months before that applies to a past abuser. The drunk in the military part applies to another. Really, every word of it applies to a rather small part of my life when a lot of connected events occurred. At least, after the first verse (about going with a friend to be there for her when she got an abortion) and "writing a song" unless you take "song" metaphorically as it's been used in literature, trope names, and poetry, and lyrics to mean story, tale, or speech (e.g., a "songbird telling his tale," swan song, "singing to the choir").

I should hop off this carousel before it opens into a drain. It's about 2:45am now. I'm just starting to feel sleepy, but I'm still as mentally awake as before. I hope getting this out helps me sleep a little better, at least for a night or so.