#and thats also why shes NOT in the chosen one position anymore

[kaseyskat]

since ive already been pretty open about this and im not afraid to whack a hornets nest i'll go ahead and say it: if you were raising a kid in a pseudo-apocalyptic setting and then you found out that said kid was going to be the one to defeat the eldritch god that you have tried to defeat for half your lifetime and could never manage. that she was going to FACE that eldritch god it was prophesied. you would teach her how to defend herself and how to fight. like god i am not saying hero's trauma from it wasn't justified because i do think the twins took it too far but the initial process of training her makes so much more sense if you approach it at the angle of "this kid is going to do something we've been trying to do since we were twelve and couldn't manage and we might not even be there to help her so we have to make sure she doesn't die in the process" and not "we're going to make her fix our mistakes" it makes sense. goes along with lark's running theme of not being strong enough in the moments that matter and wanting to make sure nobody else ever feels as helpless as he did when walter was injured. goes along with sparrow desperately tempting fate with normal's name- not because normal was an accident, but because sparrow never wanted to lose even one kid to the doodler and it was a fervent, desperate wish to let normal get to be normal

[eastcoastzilla]

34!!

I'm almost positive no one gets on tumblr anymore so I'm gonna use it like a livejournal from 2005

Crazy to think that person above in the photo is me + I am now 34. Wasn't I just 19 yesterday? How does time do that? Move so fast and not at all, all at the same time..

So much changes, yet also stays the same. Year 5 this Nov at Cowan - I would say I am content there. It works, it is steady, + that's all I can really ask for at this point. Everything in life is super unstable and as I get older I find myself craving that stability more and more. That feeling of peace; that feeling of everything being okay and knowing that whatever comes our way we will be okay. The old saying "we want for nothing" becomes more relatable in my 30's. Don't get me wrong though - I do NOT feel 34. Heck, I don't even feel 30. I still feel like I'm in my 20's. I think my a lot of my generation feels that way until they are in their 40s/50s and I'm okay with it. From working at a retirement home for 10 years, I've come to highly believe that age is just a number. (Check back in with me in five years to see if I have a new opinion. I bet I do.)

Material things don't matter. I don't need things to feel like I've lived a good life. I just want to be happy and find enjoyment with the person I love to share life with :). Things are scary and life can be fucking hard but I'm proud of how far we've come. Never asking for too much but it can feel like the odds are stacked against us/me. I try to remind myself that there are peaks and valleys. Writing shit out helps me get it out and move on - that's how I've always been able to process things.

Rinzler got sick right when we were going away to NY for my birthday. We spent 3 days thinking we were losing our best buddy of 12 years. He ended up pulling through and Perry hall animal hospital saved the day but it was super scary + eye opening. He's getting older and we are trying to appreciate the time we have with him here. It's why I wish I had a pet growing up so I would be more prepared to lose one since it's inevitable. At least we have him for now and he's a great light in our lives.

It's September and very soon it's the first day of fall. I'm super bummed summer is over - I'm always cold so I'm down with the heat! However I can't wait to camp soon.

Friends are grown up, moved away, married + doing the fam/kids thing. I love to see them happy and enjoy meeting their babies. Kae's boys are amazing - I'm always blown that she is a mom just because it will always feel like we are still 16 burning CDs for the first time.

Idk why but there's a weird stigma about people who don't want to have kids. Plus I wish people would stop saying "want". Of course I WANT to have kids. I believe I SHOULDNT have kids for my own personal reason that's no one's business but my own. So even though I have chosen not to at this time, it's not okay to assume that I don't get sad about not having kids or that I hate kids. Neither are true. Sometimes I have to not look too deeply at photos online because I will get into my own head and it will take off from there. I don't think that will ever go away. Maybe it's a natural thing - like a natural "maturnal" thing something within me that can't help it cos it screams HEY YOU SHOULD PROCREATE AND BE A PARENT. Whatever it is, it's le pits. There is an eternal, internal voice war going on in my head - should I feel guilty knowing that sometimes I can't spend too much time online or I get really sad about seeing all the mom photos, knowing I'll never be a mom.. I'll never get those firsts.. It's my choice to not have kids so is it even fair for me to get sad? Uh yes thats how you feel let yourself feel it - then I disconnect and stop looking or thinking about it until the next time I do it all over again. Idk, maybe it's something I'm supposed to work through? It's weird. Logically I know it's a smart decision for where I'm at, where we are at, and things directly relating to the happiness and fullness of the child in question. It's a decision I am content with but at the same time have so many thoughts on. Hopefully it'll get easier. Another part of me hopes that I will finally befriend a human being in my later years and we can chat about it like rory and lane. But clearly I just watch too much TV/movies. At least those are good right now. Except for the internet - XFINITY sucks ass.

That is all. Goodnight :)

[teentitwns]

soooo, as you know i wrote some bbrae fanfictions and, this one, especifically, called “all you had to do was stay” (yes, taylor swift’s song) was published in 2017 but i deleted after sometime because im little lazy and the history always seems easily in my mind.

anyway! i decided to rewrite this fanfiction and the first chapter is already posted on the brazilian website that i use (spirit fanfics), so why not put in here too?

please, remember that im brazilian and my english is a little broken - sorry for the mistakes you’ll find on the text.

well, thats it. im really nervous right now and insecure. i hope you like it and, maybe, i can post the fanfiction on ao3 or another website.

_______________

The protective dome around Raven was totally useless and, like her friends, she knew it.

She was there, standing in the middle of the contraption built by Cyborg, with all her vital signs being recorded on the computers that occupied a large part of the room, beeping together with the devices that showed her brain waves.

Everything had been perfectly assembled and positioned so that she had the best protection that anyone could have in the face of what was about to happen, but all those technological tools made her feel like a laboratory rat, studied in vain to discover that in the end the experience had gone wrong again.

She sighed loudly and propped her elbows on her knees, resting her face in one hand; she no longer cared about floating.

She felt physically and mentally drained to use her powers in something as unnecessary as floating, and she didn't need to be inches from the ground at that moment.

In fact, it was better to have contact with the earth, with the concrete floor. At least she would be sure that she was still alive, that the world was fine and whole.

Raven let out a loud snort and huffed impatiently, her eyes roaming the room until they found the door, waiting, miraculously, for one of the other Titans to enter. She had been inside that dome for hours and she couldn't take it anymore - loneliness was good when chosen willingly, not out of obligation.

To her despair, in addition to the blatant private prison that was happening there, the kidnapping, or anything else of that level, the situation made terrible flashbacks go through her head, making her remember Slade, the brand of Scath , the end of the world and, consequently, Trigon.

Why did everything have to be so similar? It seemed that karma was acting exactly the same as it had on her sixteenth birthday, creating a tedious and scary looping. She never considered herself a fan of automatic repetitions anyway.

Unconsciously, she took her left hand into the pocket of her midnight blue cloak in hopes of finding a specific object inside it, but this time, she had no lucky coin to cling to and consider as an amulet. She was alone, forgotten, practically left to die, just as she should have been two years ago, on the fateful day when Trigon’s Prophecy almost came true.

The empath, a “witch” as many called her, allowed herself to laugh with mockery. She hated feeling sorry for her own tragic life, but she couldn't escape the pitiful thoughts she was having. She probably didn't think differently from what her friends had in mind - she was just a poor girl, victim of circumstances, who was not to blame for being the fruit of the forbidden, unhealthy relationship between a human and an interdimensional demon. She was not to blame for being “Daddy's darling”, the one chosen to bring him to Earth for the second time, since she was a poorly raised daughter and prevented him the first time.

Now, at eighteen, she wouldn't be as lucky as she was at sixteen.

"Azarath Metrion Zinthos… Azarath Metrion Zinthos…”, she closed her eyes and started to meditate, with nothing else to do. “Azarath Metrion Zinthos…”

“Raven!"

She opened her eyes with a start, facing Beast Boy. Awkwardly, he spread his hands on the thick glass of the dome, breathing heavily.

“Great.", She thought. “Of all the people that Robin could send, he chose the most restless."

" What are you doing here?", she asked.

“Dude, isn't it obvious? We’re doing it wrong! ”, Beast Boy waved his hands compulsively. “I mean, it's your father! There is no one better to stop him than you!”

“If I leave here it will be easier to get to Earth."

“I really don't want to be pessimistic, but he's already here, mama."

“Beast Boy..."

“It worked last time, didn't it? What good will it do you to be stuck in that dome? The world will end anyway!”

“Weren't you the one who was upbeat until two seconds ago?"

“I still am!"

“Does Robin know you're here?"

“…yes."

“I don’t believe that."

“Of course I told him,", the shapeshifter scratched the back of his head, causing his newly acquired muscles to start filling his uniform to appear. “I just don't know if he paid attention.”, He gave a nervous smile.

“It doesn't count as a warning."

“Have you never been told that what counts is the intention?"

Raven rolled her eyes and uncrossed her legs, standing up. She walked over to where Beast Boy was, touching the dome with her fingertips. He smiled broadly, running to the nearest computer and typing in the code that would free her.

When the dome barriers disappeared, Raven adjusted the hood on her head, thinking about the possibilities that surrounded her. Beast Boy was right, after all. Trigon was already on Earth, like the first time, and she would not be of much help if she were trapped, safe and sound, while her friends killed themselves to save the world.

“I knew you'd be up for it!" He celebrated, approaching her.

“It wasn't your worst idea."

“I'm smart, you underestimate me too much."

“I must have my reasons for that, right?

“Taking into account my discussions about tofu being the best food in the world can’t be considered as a reason.”

“No?”

“We all have our childish moments.”

“And you have your adult moments.”, she said.

“Nothing for having released you, I’m at your service.

“Where are they?”

“Downtown.”

“Excellent.”

“Raven”, Beast Boy called her when she started to leave. “Are you ready to go?”

“You don’t?”

“It's just… You have nothing to bring you luck.”

“I don't believe in luck.”, she lied, ignoring the thought that she had been wishing for a lucky charm a few minutes ago.

“Why not?”

“I make my own luck.”

“But it's always good to have help, isn't it?”

“Come on, Beast Boy.”

He shook his head negatively and approached her, holding her arm firmly and preventing her from getting away. The difference in height between them remained almost nil, with Raven looking a little taller from a distance because of the hood.

She frowned and looked at him without understanding, trying to pull her arm out of his grip, uncomfortable with the position they were in.

“It's just…”, Beast Boy started to speak. “I shouldn't be here and I know it. You are always so focused and correct that you even embarrass me for acting that way, but, last time, you had the coin I gave you and we won.

“I don’t know where it is.”, Raven lied, lowering her head to hide the blush on her cheeks. Some of her emotions were manifested in Nevermore, reminding her of the small passion she held for him. Passion, that, that she was sure that she would never be reciprocated. He was not a philanderer, he had never dated anyone after Terra, but he was not unaware of love affairs like her. She had a little more experience, even though she was also small. “We can't keep others waiting.”

“I can't let you go without an amulet.”

“There is no such thing as luck, Beast Boy! How many times have I told you that we need to run after what we want?”

“Many.”

“And none of them fixed on your brain?”

“Apparently no.”

“I should have imagined.”

“Why can't you give me a credit?”

“You are acting like a child who believes in Santa Claus.”

“And you're being cruel to me.”, he complained. “I thought you stopped that a while ago.”

“I stopped. Are we going to battle or not?”, Raven asked impatiently. “The world is about to end!”

“I know!”

“Then let me go!”

“I can't let you leave here without an amulet!”

“So give me this shit!”

Raven's words echoed around the room, and Beast Boy smirked, as if he had been waiting for this ever since they started arguing.

Such nonsense fights and quick discussions were not new to them, who were used to being awkward a few times a day, always for stupid reasons. However, that time, the shapeshifter had a purpose and, knowing that Raven would play the game, he put his idea into practice, which ended up working very well, thank you.

Raven shook her head and shrugged, silently asking if he wouldn't give her anything. She was waiting for a frog charm or other coin, but all she received was a warm kiss on the mouth, which made her blow up the nearest computer monitor.

The touch of Beast Boy's lips on his made her close her eyes instantly, her body and mind embracing the fact that she wanted that kiss - she had even been waiting for him for a long time, having fantasized the moment several times in the stillness of his. room.

On the other hand, Beast Boy didn't explode at all, but he felt his whole body vibrating. Her cheeks were as flushed as Raven’s, and it had taken him a long time to have the courage to kiss her.

The kiss could not be considered "worthy of a movie" because the two were too tense to give themselves up completely. They did not know where to put their hands and neither should they do it; A light in their heads blinked incessantly, reminding them that the world was ending while they were kissing, and billions of people were at risk.

It could be considered an ordinary kiss, but for Raven and Beast Boy, it meant much more than that.

They separate after a few seconds, unable to exchange a direct look. Beast Boy cleared his throat and Raven clung more tightly to her cloak, almost disappearing inside it.

“Raven”, Beast Boy smiled, making her look him in the eye quickly. Without breaking eye contact, he simply stuck a five-cent coin in her hand. Like old times. “Good luck.”

—————————————-

ok, i had no idea that the text would lose the diagramming!!! i wrote this on my iphone notes, sorryyyy

[halfhappyhooligan]

a voltron au? in 2020? it’s more likely than you think

look. LOOK. i know that voltron is stupid and we hate it but lets be honest: everything up until season 3 was pretty good and had lots of potential !!

today i was rewatching voltron and a thought struck me: what if, instead of shiro being cloned, he was chipped and turned to the side of the galra?

so here it is, i did not blink since i thought of this

(warning, i have not seen voltron in a while and this is just knowledge i have stored in my moss brain and stuff i know from rewatching the first season)

au where shiro goes evil bc of what happens @ end of season one instead of the clone thing bc 1) haggar rly could not have made thousands of shiros after bumping into team voltron like what twice? its hella improbable and 2) just… weird

so instead they insert a chip in him that helps them spy and control him just like kuron (the clone) did minus the unlikely storytelling

eventually after the convo with sendak when he was in the pod trying to temp shirp, he does have thoughts about helping zarkon

(“im already infiltrated with the arm, i could just speed up the process by leaving now. save the team the trouble of investing in a leader that’s doomed to fail from the strart.”)

shiro ends up leaving team voltron in season 2 after zarkon goes crazy w the black lion n stuff

^^ this adds to Keith’s reasoning of joining the Blade of Marmora (shiro is his main stability and one of the main reasons he even stuck around with team voltron, so with shiro gone and keith questioning his place as the leader and paladin of the black lion, he decides the BoM is just.. what’s best for him) 

obviously lance isn’t happy with this (“you just told me that i’m a valuable member, now you don’t think YOU are? what logic is that?”)

ofc keith goes anyways

lance becomes paladin of the black lion

allura takes on the red lion

who has blue lion? ...idk this isn’t that thought out (maybe matt after pidge finds her family) (which will happen earlier in the plot since we can forget about the miniplot of black no longer responding to shiro)

enter lotor only this time he has a sidekick and what omg its shiro wow

shiro has that bigger version of his arm that was once offered to him

he’s stronger and scary, but his eyes aren’t the same, he has the strength of a galra but lacks the passion 

in the fight between lotor and zarkon, (and after, of course lots of self doubt and questioning) shiro comes between them and convinces lotor NOT to kill zarkon

then zarkon kills lotor

everyones like oh shit bc surely someone who’s life was just spared wouldn’t kill the person who seems to have the most power

but he did. bc he’s zarkon. and he’s fckn crazy.

shiro doesn’t go back to team voltron bc its too much too easily

instead he takes the place of lotor in the group of gals 

he convinces them all to rebel against the galra

eventually they teach him all about quintessence and all the shit lotor had planned that they can’t do anymore

(lotor wasn’t harvesting alteans in this universe bc what the heck even was that subplot that had little to no relevance to the main storyline?

instead he was trying to find a way to technologically bring back alteans (kinda like how allure’s dad was originally preserved in s1)

i know nothing about How Stuff Works and i dont remember much about quintessence n shit but the basic idea is that when tying in some of a persons artifacts with technology stuff and some quintessence then boom. a weird route from astral projection land to the team is created and ppl can come back or smth idfk

but lotor was never able to get the comet so shiro decides he and the gals will get that comet and try to bring back as many alteans as they can

^ all this while infiltrating as many galra fleets as possible + saving planets under galra empire

they personally visit every planet that lotor was in charge of and release them from galra control

they are able to bring back an altean (its romelle) and she talks abt her friend who lives on the balmera and they go to the balmera and its revealed that it was shay’s great grandmother so romelle asks where shay is and shay’s family is like with team voltron of course

so

they take her

obviously team voltron, the BoM and the Rebels r very hesitant to make contact but they decide to try it out

keith refuses to meet, instead he’s on the team that stands guard

reunions !! 

romelle and shay hit it off and hunk makes a dinner much like roselle’s past (allura and coran also hang out and they all vibe)

lance talks to shiro abt everything to do with keith and shiro is like dude do u??? like him?

and lance is like what? no ofc not—oh shit.

and keith ✨overhears ✨

pidge matt and shiro catch up n shit

meanwhile keith is like Hey Lance Uhhhhhh What The Fuck

they end up being like hey since we’re all here and we hate zarkon what if we make a plan to end the galra’s reign Right Now

so they do

and y’all.. it’s hella baller plan

except something is going wrong and in the middle of an attack zarkon is able to get the upper hand 

due to haggar’s magic and lance’s mental and emotional instability, zarkon is able to get in his head

everyone is trying to talk him down but they’re all under a lot of pressure

allura is also conflicted bc she wanted to be black lion bc she wanted to rub it in to zarkon’s face that she was stronger than he and that she could beat him at his own game

but the negativity and instability feeds into zarkon’s power and makes him and haggar stronger as they pull in voltron to finally take over the team and regain their status as the most powerful alien race

hunk realizes this and is like okay can y’all stop being negative? its clearly affecting them in a good way and it makes us an easier target

and pidge is like im literally a child pls i don’t wanna die i just got my family back it can’t end like this

shiro realizes what’s going on and he goes to save them

he uses all his energy, pulling in the positive memories (everything: first learning about space, becoming a teacher, meeting adam, meeting keith, first making team voltron, his friends and family--all of it) to push back zarkon and haggar’s powers and battle once more in the astral realm 

in defeating zarkon, shiro loses his life

afterwards keith enters the ship in a hurry and is like where the fuck is shiro where’s my brother what did you do what happened

and team voltron is like hey man.. we are so so sorry

and keith cries because the last thing he ever said to shiro was mean

lance feels like its all his fault since he was supposed to be a good leader

they talk about separately while hunk pidge and allura discuss

krolia is like keith we, ur family, are here for u

and axca is there and shes like um?? hey?? sry for trying to kill u bro

and he’s like i absolutely do not wanna talk i just lost my closest friend

they talk about it later

axca tells keith abt shiro finishing lotor’s work and abt bringing people back and well.. 

they use the methods to help keith visit shiro in the astral realm

shiro is like oh uh hey i was just having a drink w adam we r happy

and keith is like shiro u fuckhead why would u sacrifice urself

shiro sighs bc cmon keith you KNOW why “remember what i always said? we can’t focus on what went wrong..”

“we’ve got to figure out how to make it right” keith finishes

keith breaks tf down crying and screams apologizing

“i love u shiro. ur a like a big brother to me.”

and shiro is like yeah i know and ilyt but hey. everyone’s safe and happy. im safe and happy. & you deserve to be too. you don’t need me anymore.

so the galra rule is over and everyone goes to their respected planets

romelle and the other alteans as well as some galra babes hang in earth

romelle and shay r in an apartment together and have a garden

allura realizes she may not have been the strongest leader for voltron, and  couldn’t stop zarkon on her own but that physical strength doesn’t define her as a whole

her heart is strong enough to care for everyone, so thats what she does

allura starts running an inn for alteans filled with painted sceneries like altea in case anyone ever needs a reminder of home

when lance reunites with his family its a real tearjerker

rachel finally gets her jacket back and veronica is like So.. Axca 👀

the McClain’s host a huge party for everyone and it’s filled with lots of hugs and loud music and even tho lance was way too tired, he danced all night

he wouldn’t trade his family for the world—genetic and chosen

when hunk reunites with his parents they don’t let him out the house for hours, he tells them all about his new best friend shay as well as hundreds of his favorites stories from space

they are so, so proud of him

hunk spends the next days playing minecraft and animal crossing with pidge, giving their brains a rest from being on hyperdrive for 3 yrs straight

when pidge gets home she finally gets grounded by her mom, only being allowed to leave the house to see her old teammates

(same for matt and her dad)

(her mother cries so hard when they opened the door to the home)

the holt family holds movie nights filled with popcorn, cuddles, and tears

keith moves in with the holt family, and finally accepts that he has a home as well as a family

he often goes on trips with the BoM but mostly just stays on earth

after a Team Voltron sleepover in the altea inn keith and lance decide to get an apartment together and live their lives in love and in peace

everyone gets together once a year in celebration of shiro and the sacrifice he made for them

they use the ship to visit Astral Shiro and once they even met adam

everyone laughs and catches up and just... live their lives

everyone is happy

pls ignore any and all errors lmao

again, just a thought !! maybe i’ll write a fic abt it idk for sure but yeah

feel free to add anything <3

[be-bi-do-crime]

Sooo i saw you review someones carulia fic befpre so uh heres mine, if i could have some pointers?🥺For context; its supposed to be an angst to fluff comcerning how Carmen & Jules make up following the ACME interruption..

Carmen POV:

The rain relented for no one, not even for those who were in mourning. It was a single drop and a million all at once, thundering down in sheets ftom a confident stormy sky. Carmen Sandiego shivered, the tiny droplets assaulting every shred of skin she had dared to leave exposed.

Her red-brunette hair was drenched a shade darker, now existing as a thick, sopping mass glued to the back of her feverish neck. Carmen’s cheeks were ice cold and slick with water, aside from two thin trails of tears with fading heat.

That was one plus side of being out in the storm, she supposed. It was easy to cry in the rain.

In Carmen’s hands were an arrangement of Peonies and Hydrangeas, the water hammering at their petals. They had been Shadowsan’s suggestion and she took it, because, how the hell would she know what kind of flowers Dexter Wolfe preferred?

The makeshift grave had been Shadowsan’s idea, too. Apparently it would give her closure. Carmen admitted it did, to some extent, help to have some way to mourn her late father. But the fact that she knew his body wasn’t anywhere near his headstone dulled any respite it might have provided.

They had chosen a grave in Poiters, France. It was the only place the team frequented aside from San Diego, and it held the only funeral home that agreed to not ask questions about birth and death records.

Team red hadn’t visited the place in months what with her falling out with Julia and ACME, until today. It was the anniversary of his death, after all.

Carmen’s hands quivered as she lowered the flowers to the wet earth. Tension pulsed in her veins with a thousand emotions flooding through her. She was so, so angry! At the world, at Shadowsan, at Chief, at everyone for taking away what could’ve been a beautiful life with family she now knew nothing of.

She wanted to hurt someone, to scream. And so she did. A guttural roar escaped Carmen’s rouged lips, disappearing into the night. She took a deep breath, trying to calm her erratic breathing. When she looked down, she realized she had crushed the flowers.

Not caring anymore, Carmen plopped down against the headstone, the mud squelching beneath her. Tears began to flow beyond her control and she let them, for once allowing herself to truly feel all the hurt she kept pent up inside in favor of her suave exterior.

Her fingers dug into the earth, and she flung a fistful of mud into the rain. Carmen was tired of running from everything, tired of chasing her past, tired of hiding from the people she cared about.

Maybe the earth’ll open up and swallow me, she mused. Or better yet, maybe I’ll get struck by lightning.

Carmen sighed, moving her back to rest against her father’s grave. “Oh, dad.” She whispered softly. “I’m so sorry.”

The lady in red began to relax despite the rain, curling up in a fetal position and feeling sorry for herself. It wasn’t like Zack, Ivy, Player, and Shadowsan were here to see her so vulnerable, after all.

The sound of two feet approaching caught her attention, their light tread a very familiar sound.

No. It couldn’t be-

The lady in red looked up, her hair strewn haphazardly and her eyes red from crying all while every inch of her body was drenched.

“Miss Sandiego?” There stood Julia Argent with a sky blue umbrella, a mix of horror and concern painted over her delicate features.

“How many times have I told you Carmen is fine?” Carmen whispered as usual, only this time the flirty playfulness was amiss. Her voice was hoarse and raspy, not a sliver of emotion present as she stared dead ahead, right through Julia.

“I’m.....sorry.” The petite woman replied, stressing the underlying meaning.

“What are you doing here, Agent Argent?” Carmen asked tiredly, refusing to call her Jules any longer.

Julia flinched, as if the missing nickname was like a blow to the gut. “Please, you don’t have to be so formal. But, um, I live here, remember? So I think I I should be ask you that.”

“I was just passing through.” The lady in red stood, refusing to meet the other woman’s eyss.

“Where are you going?”

“Anywhere but here.” Carmen said coldly. She couldn’t believe she had ever been stupid enough to begin to trust Julia, much less begin to fall for her. “It’s a long walk to the train station.”

For once, she thought she had someone who believed in her, someone who was on her side wholeheartedly.....and yet...

Stockholm.

“Carmen, you won’t be able to find your way in this weather.” Julia said tentatively, pity filling her beautiful doe eyes to the brim. “Please, um, my apartment isn’t far from here. You can stay until the rain calms down.”

A dark, humorless laugh escaped the Latina’s lips. “What, do all you ACME agents bunk in the same place or something?”

“Excuse me?“

“So they’re waiting for me then,” Carmen continued, her anger and feelings of betrayal peeking into a tirade. “I bet they all have they’re guns propped up at the door already in place. I think I’ll pass, Jules.“

Carmen spit her nickname out like some vile insult she was hurtling at an enemy.

Julia sucked in a sharp breath, sadness touching her features. “Carmen,“ The petite woman began, pleading “I know you won’t forgive me for what happened in Stockholm, but I promise you I didn’t know.“ She paused, waiting for some form of acknowledgement, no response. “I-I told Chief to back off and let me talk to you, she-she said it was okay! I had no idea they were moving in. Please, please Believe me.”

“Oh yeah?“ The woman in red whispered, her voice barely audible over the downpour. “And what if I don’t?“

...

And thats all i have sooo far---

AIJSIDKDKJDKFJDJJSJDFJ OKAY THIS IS LATE BC I WAS NOT IN THE EMOTIONAL HEADSPACE TO DECONSTRUCT THIS BUT. ANON HOW DARE YOU? I AM IN IMMEASURABLE PAIN

i’ll just add notes as i go, thank you for allowing me to read this and offer pointers :D

your descriptions are so good omg!! i love the first sentence SO much?? “the rain relented for no one, not even for those who were in mourning” PHEWWW that’s poetry

i’d say the only thing about the following descriptions is that you don’t have to describe everything, if that makes sense? like, you can leave it as just “a stormy sky” for example. descriptions are amazing, but too much of anything can be harder to read and get your point across!

“it was easy to cry in the rain” anon WHO let you hurt me like this!!!

i feel like if i look up those flowers i will cry so i’m not going to but. shadowsan knowing what flowers to bring is just.... help i’m in pain

NOT THE GRAVE BEING IN POITIERS GOD GIVE ME STRENGTH

instead of “so, so, angry” you can say furious, and replace the exclamation mark with a period. it makes it more solid (if that’s the right word...?)

it’s probably a tumblr formatting thing but italicize the words when it’s her inner thoughts for better distinction!

CARMEN RECOGNIZING JULIA’S FOOTSTEPS

“a mix of horror and concern painted over her delicate features” i’m in LOVE with this wording??

REFUSING TO CALL HER JULES ANY LONGER@,#)&()&)&&)&:&:; LORDDDD

NOT THE. NOT FUCKING STOCKHOLM ANON?? me: brings it up 24/7 and then me when anyone else brings it up: WHY WOULD YOU DO THIS

THE ANGST IS KILLING ME

side note, don’t refer to characters by their race/ethnicity, go with the thief, lady in red, the other girl etc

probably a typo but **their instead of they’re!

“AND WHAT IF I DON’T?” I AM INCONSOLABLE ANON I AM SO SCARED TO READ THE FULL THING WHEN YOU’RE DONE BUT I ALSO CAN’T WAIT AHHHHH THIS ANGST IS SOOO GOOD

thanks again for the submission 🥺💕 i hope my notes were okay!! this was such an emotional journey to read and now i’m going to be fueled by stockholm angst all day when writing <3

[crybabysunflower]

The song which reminds me of a Mystic Messenger character

Introduction

I have chosen this song based on how I have perceived this certain character from the otome game. I have chosen this song because the lyrics reminded me of him every time I listened to the song.

The character I have chosen for my blog is Kim Yoosung and the song which reminds me of him is Zombie by the South Korean punk pop band Day6 from their 2020 album, The Book of Us: The Demon

Before I write this blog I would give a trigger warning because it may have mentions of having suicidal thoughts so please read at your own risk.

The Lyrics

"What kind of day was yesterday

Was there anything special

I'm trying to remember

But nothing comes to my mind"

The lyrics above represents hopelessness and pessimism, the lyrics describes how the singer can't recall anything remotely positive happened to him on the previous day, he has been so used to the misery he has been dealing with. This reminds me of how Rika's "death" had severely affected Yoosung's life to the point that his life had come to a standstill, after that incident he had been waking up to face the same monotonous, miserable days which repeats over and over. He did not experience anything positive enough to affect him since the loss of his beloved cousin.

"Today goes by the same

Am I the only one struggling

How do I get through this

Would things get better

If I cry my heart out"

The first line of the lyrics again brings back our focus to the monotonous nature of the singer's life, just like the singer Yoosung too leads a monotonous, colourless life. Just like the lyrics mentioned above, Yoosung feels that he is the only one who is still not over grieving over his cousin since the other RFA members in his perception are seemingly doing well and are succesful in their careers while he is stuck in the past and wasting away his life. He is desperate to get over the never ending pain he had been feeling since the tragic incident due to which he finds comfort in playing video games which helps him to drown his sorrows but unfortunately it turns into a serious addiction and it actually does more harm to him than doing good. The last two lines also depicts the singer's strong desire to get over the heartache and thus he wonders if crying out loud would make his agony subside. This reminds me of how just like the singer Yoosung too had desired to cry out his pain several times, but he knows that it is futile since the rest of his friends are eventually going to invalidate his feelings in some way or the other.

"Yeah we live a life

Just running in circles day and night

Yeah we live a life

Though I try to change something

I cant seem to do anything

And I have got nothing left with me"

As the lyrics mentioned above Yoosung lives a life where he is just running in circles, he wakes up, goes to school (and can't pay attention to his lessons), comes back home, plays video games for the entire remaining day, and the cycle repeats. However he tries his best to change his situation, he joins various clubs in his school, the stitching club, the barista club and many more but, he quickly ends up losing interest in them and quitting them since they barely help him to cope up with his crippling depression. Just like the lyrics mentioned above, he found nothing to permanently get rid of his heartache. The last line reminds me of the void his cousin and role model Rika had left. After Rika's absence, there was no one for him to look up to, there was no one whom he would love to impress by performing well and finally there was no one to give him the type of emotional closure which he desperately craves for.

"I feel like I became a Zombie

With an empty heart and empty head

A scarecrow without a brain inside

Since when did I end up like this oh why"

Zombie is a person's corpse which continues to haunt the earth even after the actual demise of the person. Just like a zombie, Yoosung had been dead inside. He isn't living up to his fullest like he used to under Rika's guidance before, he is just surviving for the sake of it. A scarecrow is a term which is also used for describing a person in ragged clothes. Usually a person in ragged clothes is either not able to take care of themself and/or is not bothered about taking care of themself. In Yoosung's case, its both. He plays video games most of the time barely letting himself get a wink of sleep, he also does not give himself proper meals on time and happens to survive on convenient store foods and this is all because of his crippling depression which makes him hardly care about his own well being. Since he had been dealing with depression for quite a while and it has been a pretty long time since Rika's "demise" he can't recall for how long he had been persistently melancholic.

"I became a Zombie

I walk on drifting aimlessly

Tomorrow will be no different

I live counting the time

Till I close my eyes"

Initially Yoosung aimed to be a vet due to Rika's influence for which he worked hard to earn the top position in his class during his highschool years and he even joined one of the reknowned universities in the country with full scholarship, until the sudden disappearance of his cousin from his life. After her absence he had lost all of his sense of direction and aim in his life, he was no longer motivated to do well enough to accomplish his dreams. He had stopped expecting anything different would happen to him on the next day and is waiting for everything to end. The last lines reminds me of him in the Another Story routes. There it was very obvious that he had extremely dark thoughts where he wished to put and end to his sufferings (and thats why Zen kept him under his watchful eye to prevent the younger man from doing anything dangerous).

"Yeah we live a life

Eyes wide open in the dark

This meaningless life

Though I want to just let go

Though I want to just dream on

There is nothing I can do anymore"

The line "eyes wide open in the dark" can be used in the situation both literally and metaphorically at the same time. In the literal sense it reminds me of Yoosung's messed up sleep schedule where he barely sleeps at night. In the metaphorical sense it depicts that he can't see anything ahead of himself, except darkness, his eyes are wide open to see any possible beam of hope which he could not find at that moment. His future plans are luxury for him. When he sees the other RFA members, such as Jumin, Jaehee and Zen who are successful he desires to become as succesful as them. But whenever he dreams, he has this persistent thought that he will never be as successful as them, no matter whatever he does. That tragic incident had not only left him with crippling depression but also had shattered his self esteem.

"Get it all out, wanna cry

Let go of everything

Can I cry

Give me back my tears, they have run dry"

The lines above again depicts the desparate need to get over the crippling depression which is consuming the singer like a black hole. From the previous descriptions here, it is clear that in a similar fashion, Yoosung too is desparate to get over his sufferings. This reminds me of that one time when he told that he wants to cry so hard that he would blank out. He had already cried several times while grieving over Rika, yet he isn't satisfied.

Miscellaneous

I had also made a fanart on Yoosung based on this song because I was heavily inspired by the illustrated music videos I have seen of this song

Conclusion

I had been planning to make a lyric blog which would be related to a Mystic Messenger character. I am sorry that this took a very long time to come out. The only alibi I have to justify why I took so much of time is that, I was extremely nervous about it, I wanted to write a very good blog but I was not feeling confident enough about my project and hence I was extremely nervous about writing this blog. I an very glad for having instagram user @emilytheredone help me write this blog, she helped me to ease my nervousness over writing this blog. I am very thankful to her. Therefore, please let me know if this blog has turned out to be good.

[luckycheesefoodie321]

Soooooo... Couples therapy didn’t go well for SamBucky... TFATWS THOUGHTS (long post + spoilers)

Ok. Ok some depth to dude in a suit.

Not a bad guy. But the good guy Erskine always hoped for???

Mmmmmm some parallels between Sam and dude in a suit. Nervous to fill that suit.

“You’re not Captain America”

Aww they referenced his song

“Punch your way out of problems” hmm

Well yknow this is very early Captain America when Erskine gets killed and all Steve could do was be a figurehead of the war and put on shows...so interesting parallels

Bucky finds outtttt and he’s probably gonna deck Sam for giving up the shield

Ahhhhhh I knew it. Boi believed in what Steve believed. And seeing the shield being touted by some other guy gotta hurt.

Wait. But how did Bucky know Sam was gonna be there. Is he even allowed on this base??? Who gave him access???

Bucky my love you can’t help but latch onto the only friend you have huh? Wanna protect the dude that Steve believed could take up the mantle.

Instant chemistry on screen I adore this.

Dear god the sexual tension

Awwww “DONT call me Buck. Only Steve can call me Buck” WHATS THE BET BY THE END HES CALLING HIM BUCK OR THERES A CALL BACK WHERE SAM CALLS HIM BUCK AND BUCKY SAYS STILL CANT CALL ME THAT

Ahahahhahha what happened to the cool guy who caught Caps shield??

Cant even jump out of plane with no parachute. No wonder you didn’t get chosen to be Captain America XD (I kid. Don’t come for me)

Yknow what glad they showed them putting in those ear pieces. Every time they do that, the nonsense of every single Avengers movie and Civil War gets whittled down a little bit more

Sam we need a brooding non blinking dude or else who else will be your comedy prop

That was a flirty smile. Stop flirting Sam you’re on a mission.

Also love that Bucky is kinda caught up in saying all the cheesy sort of “casual” mission banter lines

Wait is that his new hero name orrrr? Bc he’s trying not to be the Winter Soldier anymore..

Their ongoing banter is really refreshing when before in other MCU movies (and this is very back to classics) there was time for maybe one quirky line mid action and the rest is just serious on a mission mode unless Tony was around

Bucky running oh my god I forgot

We had the whole running scene in Civil War too XD

Oop she’s not a hostage

Bucky has to love redwing in future right? (Sike they kill Redwing)

Oooh Sam got the hero music playing!!!

I was wrong. Dude in a suit got CAPS MUSIC????

Oh damn roll through the grass guys take it easy XD

I’m sorry subtitler what are you doing. “Captain America”???

Ok but that tracking shot of them just walking and bantering is great

This is a fun shot oh my god

BIG THREE

Baby there is a bit of difference to Steve jumping on a grenade pre-serum no protective gear of any kind using HIMSELF as a shield and expecting to blow up but hoping to save everyone else in the process... vs you knowing you can get out of it unscathed despite intentions being similar

Not a bad guy but not the “good man” just yet. But hey am appreciating his character depth.

Wow love that they’ve pointed out Bucky’s staring XD

But also this guy was raised up by the government. Steve was the embodiment of freedom.

“Battlestar??? Fuck yo nickname!” Hahahahaha

Oof John really just said they were his wingmen huh

Sam was right tho. I can get behind what dude in a suit is going for but he just has to end it poorly

So Super Soldiers came back as a plot point after the tease that was Civil War huh?

Wait wait so Sharon is still an enemy of state???

Nice. (I don’t remember what this was for)

Wow. And now we see the reality. Bucky, albeit pardoned, was considered a war criminal.

But they still think Sam is the aggressor in a situation where, I think, he would be justifiably upset. A hero, a black hero, was erased from the history books, effectively.

Racial profiling doesn’t stop. They see colour first and person second. And it was only after they realised who Sam was that they apologised. Actually even worse, it took Bucky reminding him to realise who they were.

How goddamn messed up.

Mmmmmmmmmmmmmn ok dude in a suit you are overstepping boundaries here.

Bucky definitely needs the therapy, and while I would like him to have more freedom, it should not be on your authority????

Oooh tell em Doctor Raynor.

COUPLES THERAPY TIME

Ooooooh gazing hell yeah time to fall in love lads

Hahahhahahah their legs oh my god

Bucky’s “ha I won” look

Awww no Bucky really believed in Sam because it meant hope for him too I cant

I was rooting for this guy but he is getting on my nerves SNATCH THAT SHIELD OFFA HIS BACK

Yo but I feel bad for the Flag Smashers a lil? Their cause isn’t bad. Their target is governments, corruption etc. but idk we’ll see how things play out.

Jfc Zeno chill out. This music tf.

SHUT THE FUCK UP HOE THATS IT

—-

So we finally have some Falcon and The Winter Soldier bonding action, we love to see it.

Clearly they’re not best of pals, nor do they have Steve as their mediator... gotta navigate their relationship together, and once they nab a bad guy together for the first time, they’ll have better bond and it’ll be nice.

That said, gotta appreciate Bucky was actually more honest with Sam present. So that was some progress.

I am still neutral about Dude in a Suit... he’s not Captain America but idk if he’s earned me calling him just John and he’s not the USAgent yet?? Is that his name??

I can see where his motivations are coming from but he is really buying into this government mandated position that was only possible because Sam gave up the shield, when we’ve looked at him by himself wanting to live up to expectations... but dude is just coming off as a leech??? And I do hope he has a moment where he realises that, despite being the perfect soldier, there is someone who is more of a “good man” that Steve was, that Erskine wanted to take on the power...

And yknow the meeting with Isaiah does set up the very real concept that POC figures of significance are forced to remain in the shadows, or are straight up erased by a white-dominant society that wants to present a specific type of person as a hero for the masses to look up to...

Which is why I found the convo with that kid calling Sam “Black Falcon” interesting. The dad, who told the kid to call him that, might’ve wanted that distinction. In a society that continues to vilify and destroy their “racial minorities”, having a black hero like Falcon (and Black Panther and War Marchine) is important... and that idea leads into Sam’s outrage about Isaiah being unknown for so long... (as a non-American, non-black but POC woman, these are just some thoughts I have)

But yeah. Behind this very MCU veneer, we have some real character-led drama coming through and I’m all for it!

[xthelastknownsurvivorx]

Hamilton!firstprince au

(cross posted from twitter with a couple of edits b/c i couldn’t make them there)

in which i loosely follow the plot of hamilton except its firstprince and alex and henry get a happy ending. inspired by the striking similarities i noted between our favorite first son and his namesake hamilton in the broadway musical

the similarities:

both have/will have a political career

both often talk too much/don't mind their words

both began as lawyers

both extremely motivated but overwork themselves (“nonstop” +  “you have a fire under ur ass for no good goddamn reason)

both had some sort of sex scandal that impacted their career plans

hamilton speculated to be bi

the story

the setup of the colonized country alex lives in is similar to the usa vs england but fictional bc alexs race would have limited his opportunities in america's early years

idk names for either of these countries so its now the colony and the motherland

alex + his mom live alone in the poorer southern part of the colony

but his dad + june live elsewhere + they dont rly contact e/o (tho they do know of e/o’s existence)

june becomes a journalist who writes important pieces abt independence

when alex comes of age his mom reveals she used to be part of the rebellion

thats actually why his dad left to raise june bc it was too dangerous

his parents met in the rebellion but oscar left first for june while ellen stayed until she realized she was pregnant w alex

ellen still has some rebel contacts but she mostly sheltered alex to keep him safe

now tho alex decides to join too + the rebellion sends him up north to the capital for an education bc he's smart + they need people like that

he attends uni + meets like-minded people there

tension grows btwn the colony in the motherland, and alex + his friends write/speak out often and this goes on throughout their schooling

they’re also troublemakers in general too, much to the annoyance of the motherland soldiers stationed in the capital to prevent rebellion

henry is one of those soldiers

he's from a noble family in the motherland but was sent overseas as the sort of black sheep of the family due to his sexuality

the idea was to let him be in charge in the colony + reestablish a reputation there w/o embarrassing the main family back home

henry hates his job + feels bad for the colonists but still does what he's told anyway

alex + fhis riends like to bug motherland soldiers for fun

nothing  enough to put their lives in danger too much (although yes that too esp when drunk)

henry becomes a favorite target of alex's bc he's awfully stoic + statue like + on the way to uni - overall fun to antagonize 

there's also the fact that alex is angry at all the soldiers for oppressing the colony + holding up the motherland monarchs tyranny (but also alex just is the type to fight literally everything and anything) 

it becomes almost a daily ritual for them to argue 

henry wonders why this colonist keeps on picking a fight w him but soon almost looks forward to it

many of the other soldiers know or speculate why henry is in the colony but none make the effort to get to know him; some even call him arrogant or undeserving of his position

alex doesn't 

of course alex also doesn't know him

and alex hates him

but he doesn't whisper behind henry's back

henry comes to read some of the essays alex publishes speaking out against the monarchy + also hears alex speak to crowd in the square

alex is a talented + charismatic public speaker

henry finds himself growing increasingly sympathetic to the colonists cause

at the same time he and the other soldiers are order to be stricter and dole out more punishments

the others gleefully do so which makes henry concerned about alex's safety bc alex often seems to have no self-preservation skills

henry asks alex for a word when he's alone 

“am I in trouble?” “no but you bloody will be if u keep going on like this” 

“this is serious” “so am I” “you can't go around saying things so openly you'll get yourself killed”

alex tries to leave at this point “I think I'll be ok” but henry shoves him against the nearest wall 

“listen to me! stop acting like this is a game! ur putting ur sodding life in danger! I dont bloody care what ur opinions r but why must u declare them around enemy soldiers? how is this helpful 2 ur cause? u cant fight if ur dead” 

“you'd b surprised how effective martyrs are” 

cue enraged henry noises 

alexs gaze turns hard “listen i  appreciate/the advice” he says sarcastically “but I dont need an enemy telling me what to do. I can take care of myself” 

there's a stirring in alexs chest after he removes henry's hand and stalks off that he's pretty sure is anger

like it can't be anything else 

while alex is trying to convince himself of that, the tensions boil over + soon the two sides are on the brink of war then the fighting starts

henry + alex don't talk much for a while bc they're both busy on their sides preparing

school is on hold during the war so alex + his friends are looking to serve + bring glory to their names 

alex esp is recognized for his intelligence + becomes the recognized general rafael lunas secretary

luna is the george washington figure in this case who is impressed by alex wants him as his right-hand man

alex is disappointed his role is not on the battlefield bc he knows he has a good tactical mind + he could change the tide of a losing war + gain honor and status thru it, which would put him in a good position to be elected in the future

as secretary, alex is in charge of a lot of important correspondence eg for more supplies + men, so the motherland soldiers figure ambushing him off the battlefield would make things hard for the colonists

henry overhears this plan + immediately worries for alex's safety but he's cornered by another soldier to talk strategy + misses the chance to take out the men then

henry manages to catch that they're going to attack alex at night when he leaves + henry arrives just in time to kill them in a panic

alex hears the gunshot + yells “drop ur weapon”, drawing his own gun

henry obviously does + alex inspects the scene he keeps a gun fixed on henry

“what's going on?” he asks, eyeing henry w/ suspicion

henry explains everything + looks positively terrified bc he just betrayed his side even tho the motherland and his family has treated him like shit since he came out but still. 

becoming an outright traitor is not something henry ever planned + leaving behind everything he's ever known w no hope of ever going back is terrifying

but he also doesn't regret protecting alex

alex questions henry but can quickly tell henry is sincere + is telling the truth

henry explains his change of heart + they have a heartfelt moment in/just outside luna's office.

alex almost died + henry just switched sides, emotions are running high and they escalate into a kiss. the moon is out + it's all very romantic but they don't admit their feelings yet

soon after they go to luna, explain the situation + talk w the other generals/people in charge

henry is sent away on an assignment + is watched closely at first but he proves his loyalty quickly

henry and alex write letters back + forth that turn into love letters 

besides managing correspondence for luna, some of alexs ideas of sneak attacks/stealing supplies help turn the tide of the war andhe also writes to other countries for foreign aid

eventually the colonists win in this huge up start that no one anticipated bc the motherland is known as the most powerful country in the world

he + henry reunite in the capital of once the war is over

alex finishes up his studies + practices law + soon is chosen to be part of the new lawmaking body

things are going pretty well for alex w his legal + political success and his relationship with henry

they dont live together but theyre dating tho no one else knows

alex pretends to be single instead + says he doesn't want to be tied down

it works while he's still in his early 20s but as he gets closer to 30, people start to find it strange + tell him he needs to settle

being married to his work is also not a valid excuse anymore

it turns out alex made quite a few political enemies due to his strong opinions that he always vocalises + can be unwilling to compromise on

they don't like his ideas or more often hate him and hence his ideas too

they look for some dirt on him bc atm he has lunas support which has a lot of sway + decide they need to find out why he hasn't married

they manage to find out about henry + threaten to tell the public

alex is obviously distraught re the consequences personally + politically

so alex and henry discuss what to do 

henry is willing to put alexs political career 1st but firmly explains their relationship can't continue if that's the case

henry gave up his whole life + any possibility of going back to his family so he's not willing to be someone's dirty little secret  

alex doesn't know what to do so he goes to consult luna who he's become very close with over the years

luna is not quite old enough to be his father but he's like an uncle + he always calls alex “kid”, much to alex's annoyance

but alex knows he'll have some good advice

alex + luna end up having a long conversation

like washington luna has always been very vocal abt his regrets re his naivety + desire for glory back in his youth

hes always said that this was his greatest regret in life. but then he tells alex like he had another great regret in life- letting go of the love of his life

alex is surprised bc luna's never mentioned anyone special

“who is she?” 

“he” luna corrects “he was my best friend. we had something a relationship but it was short-lived bc I decided I wanted to join the military + attain glory. i thought thats what i wanted in life. turns out that stuff is meaningless w/o anyone to share it w. nor did I even achieve it. perhaps i did accomplish some things but now in my retirement I have no one by my side. i have found that life is meaningless without love and family.  

“i tried to find my friend to reconnect after all these years even as simply friends but he died in the war. alex, I see many similarities between us. don't make the same mistake that I did, alexander. glory + lasting legacy mean nothing if you're alone in the end

“if you make choices that are motivated by love and family you will be a lot happier”

alex takes his advice even though he kind of hates sort of giving up to his enemies

he decides to choose henry and his own happiness over politics bc in the end he's done a lot of good work and that much is enough

also his enemies probably would try to blackmail him throughout his career if he was doing something against their interests

so he + henry leave the capital and move uptown and the two of them have a quiet retirement + engage in philanthropy for the rest of their lives

separately they've amassed a decent amount of money - henry kept a portion of his inheritance despite being unofficially disowned and alex made a lot of money as a lawyer and then politician

as it turns out alex still has a tangential role in politics when some of his former allies go to him for advice

all in all, alex happy with his final decision to be with henry and step away from politics

the two of them live happy and full lives together

[actingonimpulse]

This might be a rant? Idk what its called. Also you don't have to read it. If you want to share your opinon on the matter please do. Its long.

So me and 2 others started writing a book in end of November/Start of December. Me and one other. I'll say they are "J". J and I decided to write a new book.

This was because the other one (b) pushed us to write more and more. First it was during after school and lunch breaks. Then it started to during school. And they started to write for us.

I personally hated the book at this point but kept pushing not wanted to feel like a jerk.

The book was written so we each got a character and we wrote about that character specifically. They wrote me and J's chapters and that was the equivalent of taking away our voice. B was a smart kid and was one of those who didn't need to pay attention to school.

Me and J barley passed the trimester because of stress from the book, using energy and all time on it, and because we were burnt out. We needed to stay on top of things especially since we did well if we paid attention.

I personally stopped posting drawings to tumblr and so my blog wasn't growing like it used to. I was at a peak and I gave it up because she wanted me to draw angst, cover photos, etc. . I took a mental health day so I could maybe get one or two drawings done for my blog. I got asked by B to finish the main drawing, I had one character and shading left.

I was pushed to the point where I lost interest in everything even my own fandoms. I cant read anymore because, everytime I look at a page I can't zone out and get lost in my own world without being interrupted. Staying 4 hours after school talking to people about it, lunch break, during school sometimes I was in a call so the book was up to B's standards.

I had one chapter i wrote (intro different document) and it blew J away and was excited for the book. J hated Bs chapter because it was self centered. Instead of learning about the character and the land we were in gradually. B tossed the info on the ground, stomped on it, then gave it to the reader.

We are 15 chapters in and there's only 1 not centered or without B's character. Thats the intro where the "bad guy" that taught me made another character get me away from the actual "bad guys" which aren't bad but just confused and sometimes mad.

We took my first chapter and copied it into a different document and the same with the character doc. Changing the characters to be more fun and light hearted. Not constantly arguing but had their differences.

Breaking point for Me and J.

Mine was B when B yelled at J "as a joke" with a vague threat. (Still joking haha!) About a song choice. I dont like her taste in music, I suggested 1 song. She suggested a whole Playlist. I dont have Spotify B does. B thought I was afk because I would have said something. Another breaking point was when she refused to change the skintone of any leaders/characters without a verbal argument. Everyone was white in this and I tried to change it by showing diversity in every example from my own characters which B asked if she could see the document of my characters for my own book.

J's was when B said to me only females can be rulers. Why? Because her character is female. She said if the ruler my character is from had a son I wouldn't have my position. That wasn't true. I was chosen by a magical cat.

Another one for both me and J was we wanted more male characters. Because the only one there was planned to get married to B's character where it didn't make sense. This wasn't discussed, it was pulled out of B's ass like the "Rapidly aging apprentice" spell my character got put under. Without permission. Or any knowledge of.

Some info on the love interest is that Me and J wanted to make him gay. Because we needed diversity.

J came to me yesterday asking if we should revise the book to make our own. We copied and pasted the only 2 chapters we did and edited it to be more learning about the environment. We deleted all of J's because it only talked about B's character. I made this with J's blessing

This paragraph is the last one. You won't miss any by skipping it.

Two trigger warnings: Homophobia. And a suicide mention.

After the discussion about the "love interest" sexuality we were told he is either straight and going to marry her. Or pansexual and kills himself.

We choosed him to be Pan because anything is better than being with her character. We wanted him to be gay anyways. Pansexual was a middle ground for us

[ask-melissa-and-the-band]

Semi-Hiatus

This is something I want to get off my chest, regarding why I haven’t been updating, because deep down I do really want to continue the Blog and its Story, sharing my creative ideas whatever pops in my head.whether if its Art, Animation, or Music or anything in particular. Speaking of animation I also still have an Animation Project in the work that should included almost every Pony Tumblr Blog, I say almost because of Tumblr Purge stuff.... whatever I’m not leaving here just yet, I will stay here till the end or not. The reason I haven’t made any progress because the situation at my job.

I work in a Fast Food Restaurant, I worked for the company for 12 years in 3 different location overall. I am currently a Shift Manager, I got promoted to this position in May 2018, I never even wanted it, but that time we were shorthanded, and needed extra help, so I had no choice but accept the offer. I wasn’t happy or sad about it, just mixed emotion, and kinda already knew that this is going to go downhill for my health. I had worked with this Couple for 10 years, they became General Managers for one for their own stores since July. Since then I felt something was about to happen. Around November, they gave the News to the crew that they receive an opportunity to Open a brand new store which is about 130 miles (about 200 km) away. They sold both of their store to a New Owner, and she will be taking their place once they move out. Before they leave, they have chosen me to count the money for the store I am currently working in and make deposits for both store, which is really ridiculous to me and not worth the gas, because the second store is about 25 minutes away on the freeway from where I live.

So here we are, both Stores have waited, and waited and waited for the new owner to come in and help us. Its going to be 4 months already, and the New Owner still hasn't shown up yet. Both store are understaffed, and we are working very hard. The main concerned is how are we gonna know our schedule, who is going to write down the new schedule for us, none of us has the privilege or the knowledge to write up a schedule. The only way we know, The GM sent us copy of the schedule they have written. The only problem is that if either one of us call in sick, someone else gotta have to cover and get overtime. Whenever we do that the GM gets upset about, especially for me because the GM are accusing them for that they are taking advantage of me, which is not true because the GM are miles away from us, I am the one who witness the what was going on in the store, It is also becoming overwhelming for everyone. I haven’t gotten any days off since then, I am in alot of stress, fed up, tired, upset, and going in depression. I really do not want come to the point to try to go suicidal attempt. I do have been getting help from a Psychiatrist for the past 3 years, but with the whole situation thats been going on at my job, I haven't been able to make another appointment because I am always working  7 days of the week, with the lack of sleep, lack of rest, I had enough,

I don’t know how long this issue is going to take, I just want this to be over before it becomes worst for the employees and me.

In the meantime, I will go in Hiatus until all this BS is taken care of, or else I might have to look for different job that fits well with my health and will not worry anymore. There will be time that I will be reblogging stuff, it goes to show yo that I’m still alive. Until next the next post, adios.

[thelazyenvironmentalist]

So Now I’m Back, From Outer Space

(Kidding, but I did go to The Kennedy Space Centre and I’m obsessed.)

I stopped writing this blog over a year ago. The last two posts here weren’t even originally written for this page, but were op-eds for the school paper that I’d written, once I’d returned to university to finish my undergrad. You see, I’d left school for two years -- largely as a result of being able to reckon with what it meant to study at an institution that cared so little for my future, and that of my fellow students. 

(For a backstory you can control+F “Divestment” and skim any number of pieces I’d vomited forth whilst desperate/angry/disillusioned with the lack of action said institution was taking on climate change.)

There are a myriad of reasons (is this the correct way to use “myriad”?) why I stopped writing as “The Lazy Environmentalist”. Not least among them was that, for a while, I wasn’t sure if I should be speaking up at all -- even if it was just to an audience of a casual dozen. As douchey and self-righteous as it sounds (is) I refer to myself as a climate justice activist or organizer, and a couple years back, I realized I was showing up to climate justice spaces in a pretty shitty way. I figured because I wanted to be there that I should be there. I thought that because I wanted to speak up that I should speak up-- somehow not realizing that my being there meant that I was taking the place of someone else, or that in speaking up I was speaking over other voices. I needed to learn to be quiet. Not silent necessarily, not absent by any means, but simply more aware of my surroundings-- who was missing because I was taking their space, who wasn’t being heard, because I’m so fucking noisy. 

In this way, it was good that I took a break from writing for a little while, because it helped me to see that sometimes (most of the time) my voice isn’t the one that needs to be heard-- especially when it comes to discussions regarding climate change and climate justice. 

I also need to acknowledge that because this whole exercise is largely self-indulgent, when I stopped writing I was really just letting myself off the hook. This blog, like it says in that gross yellow font at the top of the page, exists so I can hold myself to account, and that still rings true. Did I pull out my laptop in a frenzy tonight because I’ve decided that I once again need to stuff my trash in a mason jar and make my mom feel bad for taking me to restaurants that send home leftovers in styrofoam? No-- behaving like that was pointless at best, and harmful otherwise. Me toting around my trash in an instagrammable jar does nothing to reduce the amount of plastic choking a baby Laysan Albatross, and my saint of a mother doesn’t need to carry the guilt of the lack of plastic materials regulation around on her shoulders simply because I don’t feel like finishing my zimarika at our favourite Greek restaurant. 

No. When I say this blog exists to hold me to account I mean that the act of writing is one of the best things I can do when it comes to working against the forces driving climate change. Not because anyone reads this-- we’ve already established no one save my big sister (hey, Kayla) does-- but because its through writing that I force myself to sit with my thoughts and digest the literal constant deluge of terrible news about human-inflicted damage on the planet and all of its inhabitants. When I stopped writing I gave myself permission to be intellectually lazy (not cute, contrary to my chosen moniker). When I say I’ve been in a cognitive fog the last few years I’m not even being that obnoxiously hyperbolic-- I honestly feel like I’ve retreated into a world of podcasts and quickly skimmed news articles-- I’ve eschewed my own ideas and feelings because when things are as desperately, existentially terrifying as they are in the year of our lord (lol, there is no God) 2019, its easier to let someone else, someone smarter, tell you what to feel, what to worry about, and how to think. I think when I opened my laptop 21 minutes ago it was on a whim that maybe thats not what’s best for me anymore. I think if I want to devote my time, my brain, my heart to saving what I can of my home that I need to push myself to dig a little deeper into the recesses of the ole’ lobes (ew?) and try to figure out why I’m here, doing this fucking work in the first place, and also what I fucking mean when I say “this work”. “This work” sounds vague and self-aggrandizing and I’m in a time of my life where I think I need specifics and tangibilities. 

Finally, I stopped writing as “The Lazy Environmentalist” because I wasn’t sure . if that’s who I was anymore. I’m definitely a fucking lazy individual-- even at this moment I’m lying in bed at a somewhat cramped and awkward angle because I can’t be bothered to shift myself into a seated position (lol @ the misfortune of my neck). However, I don’t like the idea of letting myself take the easy way out because I’ve accepted that I am fundamentally a lazy person. Is my aversion to accepting my habitual sluggishness perhaps rooted in questionable puritanical christian societal values? Like, ya probably. Does that mean that it’s a good thing to watch 6 hours of Criminal Minds and tell myself that its okay to buy that dress from Zara because there’s no such thing as ethical consumption under capitalism, so fuck it? No. Obviously. Criminal Minds is gross (though Reid is still hella cute) and fast fashion is terrible for both people and planet (so props to me for actually putting that dress back on the rack last week even though I didn’t look terrible in it and honestly I could use another shapeless sack in my wardrobe).  

As for the “Environmentalist” part of “The Lazy Environmentalist”I also feel more than a little weird about that too. The term is fucking loaded, and carries a lot of terrible history with it. The environmental movement has and still does a really god-awful job of caring about people (despite people being animals - woah who’s really eschewing anthropocentrism now, Tim*?!) But for real, forgetting the fact that from the purely cold, calculating, strategic reality that we can’t save the planet unless we have more people on board with the concept, and that we can’t do that effectively if we don’t speak to those in marginalized communities (those always most at risk to climate catastrophe) environmentalism has been not only ineffective and alienating for a fuck-ton of people over the decades-- environmentalists have been intensely harmful to people -- there are still environmentalists who think the best use of our time is to devastate Northern Communities by rallying against the seal hunt, and pushing veganism in communities that it simply doesn’t make sense for from a cultural/historical/geographic standpoint. Old school preservationist environmentalism is based in super gross settler ideas of manifest destiny, and protecting an “untouched” wilderness, ignoring the fact that Inuit, Anishnaabe, Mi’kmaq, Tsleil-Waututh, Cree, and hundreds of other Indigenous Nations lived QUITE HARMONIOUSLY on this land for EONS (and still do) before we settlers got here, thought of ourselves as separate from the land, parcelled it up, sold it off, decided to ~protect~ a fraction because God said so or whatever, and generally started fucking shit up. 

So yeah, the term Environmentalist kind of makes me feel uneasy, as it should,  because it carries with it a history of violence-- a history that is still being perpetuated today. 

That being said, the term environmentalist also makes me think of my Grandma (cute, right?) I don’t necessarily think she would have considered herself an environmentalist, but she was the single most compassionate, loving person I’ve ever known, and yes I idolize her and hold her to a standard that no one else will ever meet but that’s okay, because she was my Grandma and I’m supposed to think she was perfect and magic. I mention my Grandma (her name was Lecetta) because she’s who made my into a little lazy environmentalist. She took me on trips to see Manatee rehab centres in Florida, walks through the Carolinian forest near her house, and swimming in Lake Huron. On the days we were inside we watched PBS nature documentaries and read books about wildlife in North America and on Saturday mornings she’d sit with me as I sobbed during WWF infomercials in what I realize now was a pretty weird weekly self-flagellation ritual. What I’m trying to say with this bizarre tangent is that the term “environmentalist” still holds some pretty earnest intention for me, and I’m remiss to entirely abandon the roots of what compels me to defend our home. 

So, circling back to what I’d initially tried to start saying with this post- I think I’m going to start writing here again. I think I’m going to see if this helps me be the sort of person I want to be: the still sometimes lazy, but still earnest environmentalist- trying to figure out what my place is- in the movement, in my community, on the planet, and simply within myself. 

*There’s no one named Tim

[mathieubellamont]

longue piece about origins part in skyrim

so yeah. origin and fainde have their own stories but theyre also supposed to be like.......... super super ebony-warrior-esque late game bosses irt the dragonborns story. Origin most especially. I never actually meant for that to happen lmaO but i put 400+ hours into one single save file in skyrim (yeaaahhh it was about as fucked up at the end of it as you are probably imagining) and it was origins. The very last thing i remember was i gave her an enchanted knife and fork to fight with and she had 800+ armour rating to the point where she could literally stroll right up to paarthy while her health bar didnt even go down. Also when i remade her on pc for some reason her height just....... she kept growing?? she was just extremely tall?? i DID mess with her height but i made her like 1.1 and she just. shes huge. she........ makes herself in my head

not to mention to get through her story she needed to be fuckin tough. point is shes built around not just my adventures with her but peoples adventures with their champions/dragonborns/etc. Lets all be real here, theyre all op as shit, but theyre all still....... canonical? You get me? The shit that happens and the growth our characters experience are still (to a certain point) perfectly possible in the world. shes an exploration of the What If in regards to our characters actually being a part of the world, not so we could see our characters as individuals in the world (though her own story is that for me) but so we can see the archetype that a lot of our characters were. She IS our characters to a certain extent

anyway

so..... how she moves from the above into actual lore is that......... well, origins theme in skyrim time is The Dragon Made as opposed to The Dragon Born. thats her. Shes someone who wields fire so hot it turns blue (and probably shes close to getting it white hot consistently) and also when shes in big/important fights she breaks out the flame cloak w dragon wings bc Hey Intimidation and also bc hey when you become so in tune with fire bc of your soul connection to an atronach and the daedra in general bc youve been eating their flesh for 200 years your form kinda starts matching your mind in terms of how magicka begins liquefying you............ she doesnt necessarily make the wings anymore, its more that her soul is now becoming something bigger than her human body. Not necessarily anything spectacular, but. well. ill admit theres a little bit of my irl spirituality in there irt souls and such. anyway, thats headcanons ofc. and also of course the big downside of that is the more she calls upon fire the more she becomes a pure medium for magicka and her atronach and that just. swamps her mind and drowns her out completely. thats what makes her Her, but specifically, her in skyrim...........

its ALL about her versus the dragonborn....... its big opposites, its firstly. as i said. an inhuman beast born in a mortal body versus a mortal who became an inhuman beast or a part of them, one separated from their inhuman kin versus one who became kin to the inhuman, one who does what they want in the human world and probably is....... very amoral at that point given the average dragonborn....... versus someone who, even tho they aligned with the daedra and lived with them their whole life they remained who they were and prevailed through temptation. its also skyrim versus oblivion even tho v specifically origin isnt the champion (the champion ending the crisis is what locked her in an oblivion gate) or anyone significant other than a mages guild student. its the chosen one versus someone who made their Self from scratch, but theyre both.......... equal I guess? The whole point of origins theme is that shes not better in any way than the db, shes not even actually different from them Specifically...... shes a mirror of them. Shes possibility. Shes what the dragonborn couldve been, and she exists solely to show them that, with no moral lessons attached to it. She isnt sent by the aedra/etc to Teach Them A Lesson, she simply exists. Shes that turning point in the ending days of the dbs story where the db has the opportunity to really, finally, cement who they are and who they want to be

bc like....... shes also a teacher at that point with students who are travelling with her and learning from her. Shes passing on a legacy of magicka that will (well it actually wont, but in theory it would) leave a positive mark on the world for eons to come in regards to daedric magic. Whats the dragonborn doing? Do they relate? Did they adopt children? Are they treating them well? 

Origins not going to eat the world like alduin, shes a....... personal antagonist. Its not about the world bc the dragonborn can do whatever the fuck they want, and thats the core of it. Did the dragonborn ever stop to ask why like origin? Have they a sense of morals like origin? Are they going to face origin as a daedric menace, an impure mage who cannot exist in a grey state of serving neither good or bad magic,? Are they going to face her as a a test of their skill waiting to be destroyed, to be put down? Are they going to face her as a rival to understand the other facets of life, that which couldve been, that which can be? Thats origin. shes a mirror of the dragonborn, the last test thrown at their very self so that they can understand

[theroastedpoosqueery-blog]

On johann and tenma dynamic or something

((@jyuanka so yea i wanted to bounce back on what you were saying but its so long i figured i should make a new post lmao ))

There are so many interesting characters in monster (eva being maybe the first one), but the dynamic between tenma and johann is really whats does the deal for me. Their relationship is what builds the plot, like two poles of a battery that supports the entire story ! and they only met four times !! i love that its so unclear why both of them are so intent on having the other in their line of sight, like their obsession with each other is never really explained and we can only have so many speculations. Since its monster, it cant be something like ‘good tenma absolutely want to destroy johann for world peace”/ “evil johann absolutely want to destroy tenma because hes…evil”.

(you said  you wanted to yell about monster so uh im taking advantage of it lol)

For tenma, we first think that all of this it is to prove his innocence. But the narrative voice shows us several times that this is not the case (grimmer who tells him that he should not go so far just to get his name cleared -> close-up on tenma’s face that darkens and tenma who doesnt answer = tenma does not do that to prove his innocence, theres something else). And frankly who would go that far just for that? Tenma realizes very quickly that destroying johan is,,,more than complicated and that he could lost his life at any point. He could go to a remote part of another continent and rebuild a career as a doctor there, under a new identity, if he wanted to (maybe johann wouldnt let him, but the obsession johann has for tenma is something that the latter understood at the end so he wouldnt know that at the beginning of the series). Nor is it because he has a savior syndrome and he absolutely wants to protect people (orrr well a little lol), because tenma doesnt seem to be interested in politics or in social justice at the beginning of the series. What i mean is that, like everyone, he knows that the world is unfair and that folks are dying because of horrible situations and horrible people (idk like because of the mafia, because of capitalists, because of fascists, because of human trafficking, etc). Like, everyone knows that, and some of us react and actually do things like direct actions, lobbies, associations, politics, or even just talk about it. But Tenma really doesnt seem to be that moved or concerned, hes more the type to be like “whatever. Dont see ? hasnt happened”. Yet when he realizes that its johan who does these things, suddenly it becomes his personal business. Like people always say tenma is the “absolute good” and i really, really disagree.

He has spent his life obeying orders from despotic leaders without ever questioning himself once. He was going to marry a girl who told him that all lives are not equal, ffs! yea she says this when tenma began to think that maybe, maybe, theres something wrong with all this so this sentence shocked him. But you cant tell me that the highly horrible personality of eva is something he wasnt aware of before ! and he was alright with that, because then by marrying her he would secure a brilliant career. He saves a rich person instead of a poor turkish husband, and he have to see his crying widow who tries to punch him to realize that maybe what he did wasnt really okay. And he was past his thirties, so its not a question of “the poor baby didnt knew there was inequality in the world and what he was doing was not nice ! “. He knew, and he chose again and again, for most of his life, to please a corrupt man to promote his career and have a good and safe life. So for me tenma is so, so problematic ! Because Tenma is the sort of man who sees what is wrong, but who chooses not to do anything against it. isnt this kind of people the worst ?? and thats why i love him ! and thats why his radical evolution caused by johann (when he saves the boy, then when he chooses to kill him), is so intriguing.

So yea tenma dont want to destroy johann just so people will be safe or for world peace or wtv  BS -because he spent most of his life not caring about that, or caring but not to the point of getting personally involved. I think little johann is what triggers tenma to do something for the first time of his life. He goes from the guy who sees what is wrong but who doesnt feel like he can react so he just goes with the flow and become as horrible as everyone else, making him worse because he knows thats wrong -> to the guy who chooses, to the guy with an agency who decides to react. Little johan makes tenma becoming a person, its his trigger to personhood. And thats why, after his first encounter with johann, tenma become so different. Imo, the real monster is tenma in the beginning of the series - and johann makes him someone who uses his agency, he renders him human !

So 9 years later, when tenma finds out that the trigger of his humanity is actually the very negation of what is human, it goes ‘bam’ in his brain. We can understand why ! During this 9 years, he had the time to inhabit his new role of “a person with an agency” - he seems so calm, so confident and happy. Hes not the guy who knew that everything was wrong but just followed orders and closed his eyes anymore, he has a personhood and uses his newfound humanity to make the world a better place. He has a sense of purpose and realizes what it is that life is worth living (okay im projecting here lmao). Above all, he thinks that the choice he made (to become a person) is ultimately absolutely good. But then he meet johan for a second time, and actually realizes -wait, so me becoming a person can causes bad things ? was i wrong ? should i have stayed how i was before ?

And then we enter what is the core of Monster : we just follow someone who struggles to define what is being human. Before, like i said, tenma wasnt using his personhood. After johann triggers him to become a person, he basically lives a morally ideal life -save people, be a good person, no headaches of ‘what should i do’. The people who could have forced him to make actual difficult choices (his corrupt chief ) were conveniently dead. Then he met adult-johan, and bam ! so many contradictions. suddenly the answer is not that clear anymore. Then he realizes than with personhood comes the obligation to make dubious moral choices. Because for each choice we make, there are negatives consequences and positives ones, and we have to judge when the positives outcomes prevails on the negatives ones without ever being sure. And i think tenma chasing johan is him refusing this existing situation, is him trying to run away from the negatives consequences of becoming a person. Its him on a quest to know if getting access to personhood is absolutely good, a quest to know if his reason of living is legitimate. He cant think that there are not absolutely good choice, that sometimes the good choice can be to kill someone - or to save them, depending on the situation. There isnt absolute anymore : no real monsters, no real good person. We’re just human who struggles to do what we can. Once you have an agency, you have to take decisions. So for tenma, who basically have never taken decisions to construct himself as a person, his johann-hunting is basically that : hes chasing after his own definition of humanity. Whether he would have choose to kill johan or not, at the end, the manga completed the mission : theres no good choice, only choice you think are the best at one point. If he had chosen to kill johan, he would have chosen to kill someone ; if he had chosen to not kill him, he would have chosen to let someone else die. Whats better ? I am not sure. Personally, i think that if i could kill certain people i would do it, while knowing that this people are humans like me, just raised in different circumstances, because my ideas and my buddies’ lives are worth more than the life of the ones who threatens us : thats my answer of humanity. We alas dont get to see tenma’s answer… but anw. Thats my personal interpretation of what johann makes tenma do lol.

For Johann, the reason for his obsession with tenma is even less clear for me. Why johann wants tenma to understand him, to see him, so badly ? What makes tenma so special ? Johan seems to have a daddy complex, because tenma not the first middle-age man to have the dubious pleasure to be the object of johan desire to show “his” world to someone else. General wolf and schuwald both had to loose everything that was dear to them until they only have johann who then betray them deeply. But these two dont seem to catch the “scenery of the doomsday” so dear to johann ; and yet johann appears to be convinced that tenma can (and so that tenma is the one who should kill him). Why is that ? Why tenma is so different than wolfe and schuwald ?

I have numerous ideas but not one that convinced me too much. The first one would be how their first encounter resonates with them both and had the same effect of ‘triggering their humanity’. I already explained why i think johann is tenma’s personhood trigger. I also think tenma is johann’ trigger to humanity. Its kind of simple : tenma is the first one to show him that human could be good. Tenma saves him and risk his career without ulterior motives (or at least material motives, because like i said there were many philosophical and psychological stakes for tenma). For johann, who never knew that humans could be like that because his childhood environment was kind of,,not good, and who is still young enough to be impressionable, it could be enough to be interested in what tenma has to offer if he were to play with him. That plus the fact that he has deep parental issues and tenma is, like he said, a “second father” to him, so maybe he acts like a child would with his dad (in his twisted way), or rather with his god -tenma who creates him, tenma who destroys him. But i think its too emotional for johann.

Other idea : johann, being this prodigy, understand exactly what is tenma situation while saving him and his philosophical questions -lets keep in mind that tenma talks to johan often whil the boy is in a coma. He understands that tenma chooses ultimately *personhood* over everything that could make his life easy. And tenma’s answer is exactly the opposite of johann's way of seeing life, since johann chooses again and again to negate humanity. So he wants to destroy tenma’s philosophy, destroy tenma sense of what is being human : he creates the perfect life for tenma, wait for tenma to be really at ease with his situation, then slowly destroy everything until tenma would be forced to recognize the superiority of johann’ response. I really think johann is prepared to die just to win his mind game with tenma lmao, he’s that much of a sore loser.

Other theory, who dont necessarily conflicts with the others ones, its that johann didnt plan to make tenma this important in his life. He at first intended to do to tenma the same thing he had done to schuwald and wolfe, with maybe more sentiments knowing tenma was his second father and everything. But what changed his plan was tenma reactions. I dont think johann thought that tenma will go all lone ranger in the arizona forest to train to become a killer spy lmao, and when he saw that, he was like ‘oh funny’ (lets keep in mind that during the first half of the series, while he still thinks he was the one in the red rose mansion, johann is basically just playing a nihilistic game and dont put that much valor into anything). Maybe he became attached to him (whatever sort of attachment you headcanon), which was kind of a novelty to him since he didnt have any feelings toward anyone until then -his sister was himself and he was his sister, i dont think johann ever understand that nina was her own person until the end so feelings toward his sister doesnt count- and he was unsettled enough to want to keep tenma at hand. Like each time i see the schuwald arc im lmfao, when johan is all like little devilish smiles and sidelong glances each time he knows (how? no idea, he must have super powers at this point really) tenma is watching him like how much of an act it is ?? theres no reason for johann to do this ‘hihi cant catch me hellooo ;D ;D’ except being a drama queen. Which he is. so yea i cant help but wonder why he is acting this funny towards tenma lol

Or maybe johann never succeeded in negating his own humanity and ultimately couldnt bear to truly erase his own existence at the end, so he wanted someone to remember him to have a chance to live at least once -because johann understood that what makes us be is to make other people witness your existence. Tenma was the ideal candidate he stumbled upon -his sister being out of play since she was himself so not a true external witness and everyone else being too,, afraid of him or too under his charm to do anything.

AAAh so many ideas !! what is sure is that tenma is johann most important person and conversely. And since they met so infrequently the fandom has a highway to imagine other interactions. please people imagine other johan/tenma interactions. please im dying i dont understand these russian fics at all

So anyway sorry for this loooong ass post that nobody is going to read !! i just,,,,,,,,,,love monster,,,,,,,,,so much

[lottalex]

1/1/2019~reflection

yo, so im not really sure how to do this. I think I just made a random Tumblr to let the feelz out. because your girl gotta lotta them. hence the lotta lex. but I am still not comfortable with people seeing my shit that I know because putting my feelings out to the world that sees me in every day life is fucking terrifying.

SO. basically, I am just her to reflection my life the last year because it is now 2019 and that is the basic girly thing to do ~*~*~ 

Jan- wtf even happened in January of last year. gimme a sec to look at my pictures. pretty sure thats when I riddled with anxiety constantly and crying alone in my apartment while my ex-boyfriend went out all the time with his friends and I hated my life. lets check. my god, first of all I was fat. and had black hair and bangs. (tf did no one stop me for.) HOWEVER, my sweet angel nephew was born and I got to cry as I held him for the first time and fell in love with him. I remember being so terrified that my bff would have an ugly baby but that bitch had to outdo us and produce the cutest lil human. god bless. I started my journey on being a vegetarian on this day last year. which was amazing and I could see my body changing while knowing I was helping the planet. that being said, it’s time to return to that. Contemplated chopping my hair off. clearly going thru a lil crisis at this point lol. my other best friend found out her bf was talking to anther girl and I had to hold all that shit in because I was angry. and did she leave? nah, ya girl didn't but its alright hit up May on here I’m sure you’ll see how she got him back lol. alright so Jan wasn’t the worst. pretty good bc of the bean.

Feb- Ain’t got no clue wtf went on here. I remember my ex took the day off work to watch a fucking soccer game on valentines day instead of coming to see me lol. Jacqui came to visit during this time apparently lol nice. Yes, omg I fucked called into work and went to St. Louis and SMASHED some Korean bbq. fuck that sounds so fire right now. we played overwatch which is always fun. I didn’t get chosen for an animal caregiver position lol. getting skinnier. got the lush shampoo and conditioner bars. might have to hit those up again but they made my hair so greasy in korea. omg donghyun and I started being friends, jacqui was talking to some super hot Korean boy too. sad that didn’t work out for her lol. God, im so happy I went through my pictures. I forgot that February was the time that my best friend and I decided to take the biggest fucking risk of our lives and study in Korea for the summer. my mom was so fucking supportive. I will never delete those screenshots. My sister realized she was depressed and we got her some meds. woo. I made work friends and played dungeons and dragons like a fucking nerd and I love it.

March- ayyyye, I think this is where my anxiety got high as fuck about korea which was amazing lol such a fucking shitty time in my life. low-key worth it tho. I made a chicken Alfredo lasagna for my friends and it was fire. I should make that again. so many veggies and dog pics. love both of those things. I CUT ALL MY HAIR OFF WOW. I FORGOT. damn, that shit was short. Ashley finally starting coming around again. lol broke Zach’s phone and Ashley’s tooth on st. Pattys day. go team. doggo had to get heart worm shots. that shit was 1700 bucks and she had a weird patch shaved on her back lol. my grandparents got me a fucking sweet coffee pot for Christmas and I finally started using it. I need to break it out again, WE SENT OUR DEPOSIT FOR OUR APARTMENT IN KOREA OMFG I WANNA CRY I LOVE IT. started doing yoga too. another thing I need to get into again. 

April- went home for easter. wore a black bra with a yellow sweater. the beginning of disappointing my stepmom’s side of the family lol. got my luggage for korea omfg I wanna cry looking at these. it makes me so happy. lots of bts pics. still love them. just highly glad im not as obsessed anymore. god, more screenshots of my fabulous mother being loving and supportive of my every move. guess who I cant say that for? my dad lol. damn, this is the month my anxiety fucking attacked me. I couldn't sleep. I would cry for hours alone. I thought I was going to get my house broken into. I was paranoid someone was watching me. just a really shitty time. but, I had lots of things to look forward to and I didn't even know. 

may- this was my fucking month. Jesus, this is gonna be a crazy ride. omg trying to purchase BTS tickets with our whole fam for jacqui to be the only one to get one lol. and then my sweet mother again hitting up Stubhub and buying us tickets for $1,000. she cray but I was so thankful. I held a snake, nice. I quit my job and moved home for like 3 weeks prior to Korea. I. babysat. all. the. time. I had Wyatt and Navie. and I got in trouble for coming home and babysitting because my boyfriend at the time wanted me to pay attention only to him. he wanted me to not make any money before I left. nothing. the new bts album came out and its still my favorite one so far. I woke up early as fuck and listened to the whole thing with jacqui. we put headphones in and texted with every song we listened to. my god, im thankful for that bitch. decided that month that I wouldn’t stay at my old apartment and that I would move in with Jesse. saving me quite a bit of cash. went to Chicago before we left for korea for a concert and we brought the boys lol what a mistake. ex and I fought the entire time. he was such a dick to me before I left for korea and im not sure if he even sees it to this day. but I had the worst drink ever at a bar in Chi. we rode bikes along the lake. BFF attempted to get her hair done and it was all fucked up and she had to fix it. had a karaoke night with her family which was fun. had to leave my doggo, not so fun. drove the airport with my family (& at this point by family I just mean my mom, stepdad and siblings because is my dad really a parent at this point lol). BFF and I left for korea. traveled to Canada where their money smells like maple syrup lol. started taking anxiety pills finally. got to mother fucking South Korea. had to climb up six flights of stairs with 3 suitcases each lololololol. couldn’t get real food anywhere because jacqui and I were anxious motherfuckers and wouldn’t go in anywhere to order. got a Korean phone number. oh, also broke up with my boyfriend two days before I left. I didn’t break up with him but yeah. also found out he was talking to girls on snapchat a lot. thats was fun. my mental breakdowns at that time were fun. but I was kinda happy because it took a lot of pressure off me for korea and all and all it was for the best. we weren’t happy and hadn’t been for a long time.

June- OH JUNE. so many things. KOREA. Jacqui and I found our home restaurant in korea and I hope if we go back it’ll still be there. best 김치찌게 ever. met other foreign people one night out. got super fucking drunk on alcohol in hongdae somewhere that I dont even remember lol. Also, that was the night I met the first Korean dude I kissed. he was nice. English not so good. Jacqui met that josh kid. god I hope I never forget that. dude was a creeper. and the next night I broke my fucking wrist and dislocated my wrist and elbow AND snapped the elbow ligament all over a motherfucking Korean American boy. drunk Lexie is and always will be a mess hahahahaha. so had to go to the ER via Korean taxi where I almost passed out because they wouldn't let me drink water. had to cry in front of a lot of Koreans. got my arm set back into place without any anesthesia. but I found a billboard cutout of BTS on the way home lol. had to make my parents decide if I should stay in korea for surgery or come back to the states. mind you I was not even a week into being in korea hahah. this is why my dad fucking hates me im sure of it. attempted to explore a lil more. I feel bad for jacqui. she had to take care of me throughout all of this and I was fucked up on pain meds. she's a good egg that one. had surgery in korea. missed the first few days of class lol. found the fucking best popsicles ever in the hospital. made my dad pay 9,000 dollars for my surgery. found a bomb ass American restaurant. RIP I miss u. awh, omg Dasol. my bird. learned I loved cold noodles. especially in the heat of June Jesus H. tai kwon do was also lit. cute instructors bless. Jacqui’s drunk tinder date that turned into my date lol hey Daniel. got my cast off and got the brace. met meerkats and wallabies. finally had sex with someone besides my ex. 

ok ok this too much. I gotta clean now ill be back for the other six months lol 

[tangerinewrites]

DAY 3: MINA

11/3/2020

wc: 1696

author note: haha hi bianca if ur reading this, i copy and pasted some of what u wrote in past evals... i hope thats ok!!

With it being her fourth month being apart of the HEARTZ project, Mina feels as if she’s used to seeing Kwon Seungkwan, Bang Boyeon, and the other coaches every single month after the entire evaluation. She feels confident in saying that she was confident in her performance, despite the fact that it was more challenging than her last performances. But one thing is for sure is that she’s satisfied with the results.

All of the HEARTZ girls are standing in the practice room, patiently waiting for the two to make their monthly announcement.

“Good morning,” Seungkwan greets them immediately. They all bow their heads before they stand back up straight, showing that they were ready to hear what he had to say next. “As you are already aware, we received new auditions from trainees under the Samsung umbrella. They will be joining this group. I trust that those who were already part of the project can catch the newbies up to date on the happenings.”

Boyeon speaks up next. “We’re here today because the eighth member of HEARTZ has been chosen.” As soon as she hears the number, Mina feels a little bit surprised of how much time has passed since Jiyeon was announced. She had only arrived when Seungah had her debut and she was the third member. That means there were only eight members left. And with the fact that there were other girls that were apart of this debut project as well, it only made Mina feel a little intimidated about the competition.

“We and the other coaches analyzed your performances from last month and decided, in unison, who will be the eighth face to show the word under the name of HEARTZ,” Boyeon continues. After last month, Mina felt very hopeful to know if she’d be able to be the girl for next month. But she tells herself not to get her hopes up, in hopes of not being too delusional and getting them crushed right after. She’s been through that experience before and she doesn’t want to go through it again.

“The girl of the month is… Son Juyeon. Congratulations!” At the announcement of her name, all of the girls immediately turn to look at Juyeon as everyone claps at the announcement. Mina claps, too. Even if she was hoping that she’d hear her name, she was genuinely happy for the other girl. With the fact that had stayed in Sphere for so long and was also very warm and welcoming to her, she felt as if the older deserved her spot.

As the two of them went on to explain the schedule, Mina finds herself spacing out as they continue to explain what would happen for the rest of the month. The only announcements she does pay special attention to are about their evaluation song (“Dreams Come True”) and how Chungha was going to be preparing to debut. And though Mina was still very much happy for her, she couldn’t help but feel disappointed over the fact that she was not going to see her too much as a result of her preparations. As soon as they end their announcements, all the other trainees who were close to the girl go to congratulate Juyeon on the announcement of her debut. Mina congratulates the other as well, but she later leaves the practice room to go to the bathroom on her own.

In all honesty, Mina wasn’t doing the best recently. The only good news she’s heard as of recently was the fact that Chungha was preparing for her debut and Juyeon was set to debut soon though. But with the addition of the new girls came the fact that Mina was going to see one less familiar face in the HEARTZ project.

Yoojung had already let everyone know that she was not going to be participating in the HEARTZ project starting this month. And though Mina respects her decision and supports her every step of the way, she couldn’t help but feel disappointed and sad. After knowing that Yoojung encouraged her to audition for Sphere and Mina also knowing that she was going to be apart of this project with her, the fact that she was leaving hurts her heart. But it’s not like she can be upset at her, especially given the fact that she didn’t wish to play the waiting game. But it brings down Mina’s hopes a little knowing that someone close who is talented and kind was not going to be apart of the rest of her journey. The only other girl she was very close with was Yoorim. And even with her, she feels that she’ll have a better chance at debuting than Mina.

She supposes that her finding a new home was not too bad. She was going to live with Daniel after all until further notice and he’s much better than living in a house alone and moving back to living with their parents. The only thing she didn’t see really going well was the fact that she was going to live with Woong. That only meant more future arguments as well as Daniel wanting to have them get along. But Mina knows herself and the other’s personality well enough that she concludes it will take a lot for that to happen.

She takes a deep breath in the bathroom before she goes to the sink to quickly rinse her face. After she feels a little more relaxed, she leaves to return to the practice room.

“Dreams Come True” was very much a pretty, graceful song. Given the fact that the moment she joined she was given a girl-crush song for her first HEARTZ group eval, she wasn’t sure if she could pull off this song. Especially given the fact on how elegant it is.

But for the past month, she tries her best anyway. Like with “Zimzalabim”, she wasn’t given too much lines either. It’s to be expected, even if she is still disappointed. One thing to note about the song, however, was that the choreography looked magnificent and magical, and the girl could definitely give the song brownie points for that. And she could give that to “Zimzalabim” too, had it not been for the fact that she only had one line in that song compared to “Not Shy”. She was very much not happy about that.

She makes sure to greet the new girls as well as getting close to the other three who were part of the group initially when she was added. Whenever she saw Juyeon, she couldn’t help but grin at her but also pout at how it’ll be different with the fact they won’t be training together anymore. It was still very weird having to deal with the lack of Chungha around, but she knows that Juyeon has been in Sphere for a very long time. She was sure that even the other girls were going to be thinking the same.

She goes to her a lot for the choreography help, especially given the fact that this choreo had a lot of the “domino effect” and hand gestures. Mina was good at footwork, but she was a little more slow when it came to arms and hands. Thankfully, the girl was there to help her out every step of the way, as was Eunji, Heejin, Yoorim, and the other trainees.

Because of all the help she had during this evaluation, they were all able to do well. At least, that’s what Mina thinks.

The past songs that Mina had to learn for her solo evaluations had only been from a female soloist, so she wanted to do something a little more challenging. It’s why she decided to do TOMORROW X TOGETHER’s rendition of “Fairy of Shampoo” by Light and Salt. While the original is good, the song was made before she was even born. And she was sure that it didn’t exactly have a choreography for it, so she decided to follow along with the boy group’s version of it in hopes that she can be able to perform such a funky song.

Even though the choreography of the song was a lot more slower than her past songs, it still proved to be a little difficult at some parts. But if anything, the most challenging part of learning this song was pulling off the high notes. Yes, she can reach those notes. But she wasn’t sure if she was able to do it flawlessly just yet. Thank god she had voice lessons every day so that she could be able to try and reach it for if she were to debut… or for evaluation songs like this.

If she had to be honest, she’d say that her favorite part of practicing this song would be the rap part made by the group’s “main rapper” (they didn’t have official positions, but it seemed as if their company enforced position onto him in the most subtle way). While performing it though, she had to improvise with a new ending line so that she could be able to sing the line right after it. She even does that for her final performance when she performs it for the coaches at the end of the month.

She thinks that if the last song was her taking one step out of her boundaries, this song was taking it a few centimeters farther. But it’s not like she minded it. After all, the song was groovy and challenged to be a bit more charming than she is already. It also helped her focus more on her rap skills ever since she had to use them for “Into You”. Yes, that is technically her fault for not taking any other song in the past that focused on rap, but she it was too late to go back on it now.

With her expressions being focused on the feeling of being in love while also making sure her moves are smooth and soft, she was able to perform the song without too many mistakes. And with that, all she has to do is hope for the results of next month to be better.

[parsonsjessica1989]

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