#and the sort of ... awe and jealousy I've always felt towards them because of how the birth order worked out

[rimouskis]

got dinner with the sisters tonight and I had the oh fuck, you're an adult realization about the youngest one.

[wanderinginksplot]

Warriors in Red Armor

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Chapter Five

Kai II

"Does everyone understand the mission?" Ransom stared hard in Kai's direction.

Kai scoffed. Just because her attention had drifted off a time or four didn't mean that she was going to be totally lost. "Who needs a debriefing? We're going to do the same thing we always do. I'm going to flirt with everyone until they give me information or get distracted. Ark will slice into their systems and get hard copies of the information we need. You'll be here, masterminding the whole thing."

Ransom stared at her hard for a moment, but Kai met her gaze with ease. Eventually, Ransom gave a little sigh and said, "Yeah, that's pretty much it. But be careful. We've got to get this job right. The merchant's guild has paid us a lot of credits for the information we need. Plus we stand to double our profit if we complete the mission on time. Maybe we should go over the plan again."

"Nah, I've got it," Kai assured her.

Ransom's eyes were like a med-scanner as she used her gift. Kai had always said that Ransom could spot a lie from five klicks with strangers and twice that with friends. Eventually, Ransom must have decided that Kai was telling the truth and nodded. "Fine, but be careful. Are you sure these layout schematics are up-to-date?"

"I'm insulted," Kai jokingly scowled. "Are my schematics ever outdated?"

"No," Ransom begrudgingly admitted. "Even I don't know how you find some of that information."

Kai beamed at the rare praise from her boss.

"You know," Ark started. Kai tensed - there was only one subject that could put that tone in Ark's voice. "We could really use you out in the field on this one, Ransom."

In half a heartbeat, Ransom was as on-edge as both of the other women. "You know that's not an option, Ark." She gave a forced-looking smile and shook her head. "Besides, you don't need me. You're both the best in your respective fields. This mission will be a total success."

The drastic change in mission outlook warned Kai that Ransom was ready to snap. All antics should be cut off immediately.

"Ark and I better go get ready, huh?" Kai said. "Sounds like we need to look the part."

"Comm me when you're ready and I'll activate your earpieces," Ransom said. She always could snap back into professionalism as naturally as taking a breath.

"We will," Kai promised, pulling Ark toward the door. "Ark, bring your outfit to my apartment, would you? You're better at doing hair than I am and I could use your help getting mine to look right."

As soon as they were in the turbolift, Kai puffed out a breath, trying to sound as non-judgmental as possible. "I don't know why you bothered asking her. She never reacts well to it."

Ark looked a little embarrassed. "I was going back over some of her old case files and I just- I got carried away. She was a legend. An actual one. There were stories about how good she was, and she didn't need to divide jobs like we do. She could flirt, slice, get everything she needed, and get out before anyone even realized there was a breach."

"I know, I've read the files, too," Kai reminded her friend. Ransom had been incredible back in the day. Granted, she was impressive now, but before she had stopped going out on jobs? She could have easily run Red Squad alone and made ten times what they were earning now... And then she would have no one to split profits with. "But you're starting to be a bit of a legend yourself… Ghost."

Ark's pale cheeks reddened with the compliment. "I don't even know how that one got started. And it's not good that people know about me at all."

Kai huffed out a breath at her friend. Ark was slender, pale in every sense of the word, and silent. She was also one of the fastest slicers Kai had ever seen… the fastest if they weren't counting Ransom. 'Ghost' was a natural nickname for her. Kai was only jealous that the nature of her designated task meant that she could never get notorious enough for a nickname. Being recognized would be the end of Kai's usefulness to Red Squad.

"Enjoy it, Ark!" Kai encouraged, squashing her own jealousy. "It's a compliment. Speaking of compliments, how is your trooper?"

"You mean Thire?" Ark asked, blushing a bit darker.

Kai chuckled. "Do you have another?"

"No!" Ark shook her head, smiling despite her apparent exasperation. "We talk a lot. Thire is a great guy."

"Are you going to see him again?"

"I'd like to," Ark admitted. "What about you and Thorn?"

"Thorn?" Kai asked, a bit taken aback. "No, nothing going on there. I had fun with him - you know, drinking, watching people on the dance floor, so on - but I don't think there's much of a future in it."

"That's disappointing," Ark said with a frown.

"No, 'disappointing' will be when we aren't ready on time and Ransom kills us both."

A little less than two hours later, both women were ready to go. There was a strange sort of line they had to toe in order to do their job well. Ark had to be dressed to blend in while Kai worked to stand out. All the attention had to be on Kai so that Ark could get in and do her job before anyone noticed what was happening. They had to arrive separately as well. Kai called two different speeders to her apartment, scheduling the second to arrive later than the first.

"So, who hired us again?" Kai asked when she was ensconced in a droid-piloted speeder.

Ransom sighed heavily through the earpiece. "Seriously, Kai? This is why you need to pay attention during briefings."

"The Bespin merchant's guild hired us to find out if the Felucian merchant's guild is spying on them," Ark informed her. Judging by the muted background noise from Ark's earpiece, she was just leaving Kai's apartment.

"They hired spies to see if the other guild hired spies?" Kai asked, chuckling.

"Merchants," Ransom said simply, sounding as if the word had been accompanied by a shrug.

"Arriving at location now," Kai reported. "Estimated entrance: two minutes."

"Two minutes, mark," Ransom replied.

Kai straightened her clothes and took a deep breath before she stepped into the guild hall. It was ornate and overdone, but that was fine: it matched everything she had done with her appearance.

There was a noticeable lull in conversation when Kai stepped inside. She wrestled her smirk into a pleasant smile as she accepted a glass of expensive wine from a serving droid. The form-fitting, low-cut dress floated around her, revealing shapely legs and the most delicate high heels she owned. Her versatile hair was done in a flattering updo. While her makeup was bold, it was tasteful enough that it didn't look overdone.

If Kai was honest, the hardest part of every mission was the pretending. She had to avoid all of the things she actually enjoyed in favor of appealing to onlookers as a sexual fantasy. She had to sip delicately at wine rather than guzzle hard spirits, she could only eat small bits of food that would be sure not to stick in her teeth or ruin her lipstick, and the tightness of her dress meant that she couldn't take a full step… or a full breath.

Being the bait was a nice ego boost, but everything else about it was kind of awful.

Even as Kai mentally tallied the negative aspects of her task, an older, orange-skinned Felucian gentleman sidled up to her. Kai vaguely recognized him as Ollo Set, the head of the Felucian merchant's guild. She continued giving her pasted-on smile.

"Good evening." Considering the height of Kai's towering heels, Set only just reached her chest. Undaunted, the Felucian put on a smile he clearly meant to be charming. "How can such a lovely woman be here alone?"

"Oh, I'm here with someone," she said, doing her best to sound both flirtatious and confused. "He was supposed to meet me here, but I haven't seen him yet."

"Well, whoever the lucky man is, he's a fool to miss even a moment of your radiant company," Set oozed. He took her hand so he could bow - very shallowly - and kiss the back of it.

Kai felt a rush of revulsion. She hated when they touched her. Still, she was a rather incredible actress, if she did say so herself, so she pasted a delicate smile on her lips. "Thank you, sir. It is comforting to find such kindness here, even if my date is later than I would have hoped."

Set patted her hand in a way that managed to be both fatherly and lecherous. "If he does not arrive shortly, I shall show you around myself. Your careless date should not cause you to miss meeting these incredible people."

"I may take you up on that offer! I'm Saro," Kai lied.

"Ollo Set," he returned, adjusting the jeweled cuffs of his jacket. "Leader of the Felucian Merchant's Guild. Pleasure to meet you, Saro. I must leave for a moment, but ask anyone to point you in my direction and you'll have no trouble finding me."

"Oh," she murmured, trying to sound impressed as she fluttered her eyelashes at him. Set watched her for a moment, looking stunned, then turned to meet with a group of well-dressed Felucians. The whole gathering shut themselves in a side room, leaving the party raging on without them.

Under the pretence of adjusting an earring, Kai activated her earpiece. "Meeting of the big guys - metaphorically big, anyway. Ark, what's your ETA?"

"Speeder trouble," Ark said, sounding irritated. "ETA: four minutes."

"Four minutes, mark," Ransom confirmed.

Kai circled through the room, chatting and picking at morsels of food while she kept an eye on the entrance. At least she didn't have to be subtle about it - her cover story allowed her to openly watch the new arrivals without looking suspicious.

"I'm right outside," Ark's voice crackled through the earpiece. "Are they still in the meeting?"

"Yes," Kai breathed, managing to work her answer into the conversation she was having with a drunk Felucian female.

Ark made her entrance seconds later. She wore a mousy brown wig and a tan dress tailored to disguise her slender figure. Carefully applied makeup had lent her colorless skin the appearance of more life. As a result, she didn't stand out overly much from the other humans in the room. Ark glanced at Kai, who subtly tilted her head toward the still-closed door.

With that, Ark made her way toward a hallway. According to the detailed schematics Kai had provided, the hall held both the refreshers and several data access points. At the last moment, a serving droid moved into Ark's way, intending to offer her a glass of wine. Ark, busy double-checking the door, tripped on the droid and flailed to recover her balance. Her small bag fell to the floor, spilling her slicing materials onto the carpet as the service droid beeped around frantically, trying to offer help. Kai watched with more than a little horror as the door to the guild meeting swung open. Ollo Set stepped out first, then paused and frowned over at the commotion caused by the serving droid.

Kai rushed over toward him. "Mr. Set!"

His pale orange gaze swung toward her instead, for which Kai was forever thankful. She had seen Ark starting to gather her tools, any one of which was recognizable as being part of a slicing project. Now, Kai simply had to hold the attention of Set and the other guild members, and she knew exactly how to do it.

Tugging at her dress in apparent distress, Kai revealed a bit more of her chest than she had previously been showing and forced tears to well in her eyes. When she reached Set and the accompanying guild members, she leaned down to speak with him. Her posture allowed the best vantage point for Set to see both the tears and the cleavage.

"What's wrong, my dear?" Set asked, looking first at her chest, then the tears, then her chest again.

"I just received word that my date isn't coming after all. He's stood me up!" she told him, letting one of the tears slip down her cheek. "Is there any chance you're still willing to accompany me this evening?"

"Why, Saro," he oozed, "I would be absolutely delighted. May I introduce the other leaders of the Felucian Merchant's Guild?"

Kai chanced a glance backward as she straightened up once more - leaning down in such a tight dress was killing her spine - and was pleased to watch Ark disappear safely down the hallway. Kai relaxed slightly and put a tearful smile on as she turned to be introduced to the other Felucians.

"Wait, I- I recognize you," one of the Felucians, this one a yellow-skinned female, said haltingly.

The smile slipped from Kai's face, but she had rekindled it a moment later. "Are you sure? I don't think we've ever met."

"I've seen your face somewhere before," the female insisted.

"What are you prattling on about, Ethoda?" Set asked, striving for a tone of boredom and achieving one of irritation.

"She's someone I know, and not in a good way," Ethoda insisted. Kai's stomach gave an odd little twist at the thought that someone had finally recognized her. The Felucian female at last said, "I'm fairly certain she's a prostitute!"

Well, that was unexpected. Kai gaped. "What? I'm not a- I am not a prostitute!"

"That's just what a prostitute would say," one of the other males muttered.

"Which is more likely: a beautiful human woman being interested in Ollo or that she's a prostitute?"

"That makes more sense than anything else I've heard tonight."

"I'll notify the Coruscant Guard," Ethoda offered, rushing away.

And that was that. Admittedly, the mission had been to keep attention away from Ark in whatever way was necessary, but Kai had never expected this to be the outcome. It wasn't the proudest moment of her life, but Kai sat quietly and waited for the Coruscant Guard. The only move she made was to 'fix her hair' and activate the earpiece.

"I can't believe I'm getting arrested for prostitution," she muttered. Ark and Ransom's frantic questions and sounds of outrage provided entertainment until the Coruscant Guard arrived.

A clone trooper in red and white armor marched into the room. "Commander Thorn. What's going on here?"

---

Thorn I

"This woman is a prostitute!"

Thorn was always the first to admit that he wasn't a lighthearted trooper. The laughter and jokes that came easy to his brothers weren't part of his repertoire. Still, even Thorn had gotten a kick out of the accusations that were being thrown Kai's way. It had taken him a minute or so to recognize her - especially with a group of Felucians insisting that her name was Saro - but her look of dread at his entrance had been a solid clue.

He had taken down the eyewitness details of the incident with care. Keeping his voice level was tricky, but no one could hear the mocking he knew was clear in his expression. When the long-winded Felucians finished talking, Thorn closed the document so he could place binders on Kai's wrists and lead her to his cruiser.

"I'll take her to the precinct," he told the Felucians.

He had to shut down the external speakers on his helmet when the leader of the group - an orange-skinned male who had introduced himself as 'Ollo Set', followed them outside. As he fixed Kai with a stern gaze and he said, "Let this be a lesson to you, young lady: there is no substitute for an honest day's work", Thorn laughed aloud.

Rather than risk reactivating his speaking and giving away the game, Thorn had nodded to acknowledge Set's thanks. He steered Kai into the back of the cruiser as soon as he could and settled into the front seat himself. They were in the air waiting to enter traffic when he finally thought it was safe to remove his bucket.

As he reached for the familiar plastoid curves, Kai snapped, "This is ridiculous. You know I'm not a prostitute."

Thorn broke the seal that had formed between his blacks and his helmet before answering. "Of course I know that. Do you think I leave the code to my binders in the backseat with every perp?"

"Oh," she said, ire deflating as she grabbed the scrap of flimsi and awkwardly typed the written code into the binders. "Then why-?"

"If I hadn't brought you in for a false claim like prostitution, they may have come up with something more difficult to fight." He met Kai's eyes in the rearview mirror. "Like industrial espionage."

There was no answer from the backseat and Thorn abruptly found the whole situation less amusing than he had previously. Industrial espionage was a nasty business, and he wasn't thrilled to find that Kai was wrapped up in it.

"Care to explain what you were doing at the headquarters for the Felucian merchant's guild?" he asked.

She sighed, looking conflicted. "What do you want to know?"

"Everything. As long as it's the truth. I don't like listening to lies."

"Hey," she said, leaning forward with an offended look on her face. "I don't lie."

Thorn snorted. "You want to try feeding that line to the crowd of civvies back there who told me all about 'Saro'?"

"I lie at work because it's literally my job," Kai snapped. "I don't have a choice there, but I do everywhere else. I am not a liar."

"So your job is to lie and you wear revealing clothing while you do so," Thorn mused. "Are you sure you're not a prostitute?"

"I'm on an information securities team called Red Squad," she told him irritably. "We were hired to get intelligence from the Felucian merchant's guild."

"And they sent you in alone?" Thorn asked with an unfortunate chuckle.

"No, I wasn't there by myself," Kai admitted. "But I couldn't stay, not after having attracted that much attention. I don't even know if the mission was a success or not."

"Another private sector success, then," he said, sarcasm thick in his voice. "I take it that jobs don't always end this way?"

She snorted. "Believe it or not, this is the first time I've ever been arrested under suspicion of being a prostitute."

"It's a small and glorious club," he said. "It also signals the need for a career change. Ever thought about doing anything else? This espionage thing may not be your strong suit."

She grew quiet and Thorn saw her turn to stare out of the window. His heart skipped a beat. Stars, don't let her start crying... He felt an unusual wave of pity wash over him. Kai's day had clearly gone wrong and here she was being taken away from a formal event in the back of a police cruiser. Plus, Thorn's vode had always told him he could be abrasive, so chances were good that he wasn't helping matters.

"Hey, I'm not going to charge you with anything. Why don't you give me your address and I'll drive you home?"

"You can just drop me off here," she said frostily. "I can find my own way home."

"The kriff you will," he shut down immediately. "It's almost midnight. Coruscant isn't safe for civvies dressed like you are at this time of night."

"Maybe at the next intersection," Kai suggested, pretending she hadn't heard him.

"Maybe I'll take you to the precinct after all," Thorn threatened. "That way, I won't be responsible if you end up attacked or killed for walking through dangerous parts of the planet at night, looking like a-"

He cut himself off and Kai leaned forward, a challenging look on her pretty face. "Like a prostitute?"

Actually, he had been about to say that she looked like royalty, but her tart response knocked some sense back into him. "Yeah," he agreed instead. "Something like that."

"You're impossible," she told him, sounding tired. "Just… take me home."

She gave him the address, but Thorn could hardly hear it over the pounding of his heart. Kai probably hadn't meant for her words to sound inviting - far from it - but they had caused a pang of something long-buried in his memory. The feeling of home hadn't been one emphasized in flash training or any day since, but he had always imagined it would be the way he felt when he had heard Kai's request.

Still, he forced his mind back to his duty and plugged Kai's address into the navicomputer on his cruiser. Shortly afterward, they had arrived at a plain-looking building. Kai still hadn't said another word to him, which frustrated Thorn for some reason. They may not have exchanged comlink info like Thire and his girl had, but Thorn and Kai had gotten along at 79's. He couldn't remember a time he had laughed harder than when she drunkenly told an equally drunken Nikto that he had "scored a perfect 30" on the dance floor.

Deciding to make things right once and for all, Thorn shut off the cruiser and got out to open Kai's door.

"Thank you, Commander," she said stiffly. "Drive safe on your way back to the precinct."

"Hold on, let me walk you inside," he offered, injecting enough suffering into his tone that she would think it was a punishment. She didn't say anything to encourage him, but she didn't say he couldn't accompany her, either.

So Thorn found himself following Kai down two flights of narrow stairs to her housing unit. When they arrived at the door, he noted an odd lock keeping it closed. Still, he thought little of it until Kai also frowned and made a confused little sound.

Every instinct Thorn had demanded that he act. In half a second, he had grasped Kai around the waist, spun to place her behind him, and drawn one of his blaster pistols. He ignored Kai's questions and focused on the area, but his HUD wasn't showing any signs of potentially hostile lifeforms. More importantly, the strange lock wasn't bringing up any warnings.

"What's on your door?" he demanded, still scanning their surroundings.

"It's a lock," Kai explained slowly.

"I figured that," Thorn's response was dry. "What kind of lock and who put it there?"

"How do you know I didn't?"

"Body language, tension, and observation, now focus," Thorn commanded. "Who put that lock on your door?"

"Probably Ark," Kai admitted with a sigh. "It's for me to practice slicing."

The answer was so far beyond anything Thorn had been expecting that he actually let the barrel of his blaster drop toward the floor as he turned to face her. He repeated, "Slicing?"

"Yeah, I'm over-" Kai stopped her sentence halfway through. "You know what? I don't want to explain this to you."

"Do it anyway," Thorn advised. "Because I'm not leaving, otherwise."

She crossed her arms, kicking up her chin. Right as Thorn thought he would have to press her again, Kai said quietly, "I'm sick of being the bait. I want to do something useful, like slicing, but I'm not very good at it. Ark is trying to teach me and she's big on practice. She bought me this lock and said it would give me motivation to learn."

"So, she put a practice slicing lock on the door to your apartment. You would have to use your new skill to get inside," Thorn summarized. It sounded like something that his vode would do. He silently supported the endeavor even as he mentally noted the implication that Kai and Ark worked as some kind of team.

Still, Thorn holstered his blaster and gestured at the door. He took a step to the side so she could access the lock. "Well, go ahead. Slice."

Kai looked at him, eyes severe. "I'm not any good at it and I'm tired. Do you know anything about slicing?"

"Not a thing," said Commander Thorn of the GAR, official head of the department overseeing arrests and difficult extractions that often included slicing.

"I could get a hotel room for tonight…" she mused.

Thorn rolled his eyes. She was as dramatic as Hound. "Or you could just try it. Your friend wouldn't put an unsliceable lock on your door, would she?"

"Probably not," Kai agreed with palpable reluctance. She sighed and pulled a small set of tools out from behind a potted plant in the hallway as Thorn watched with growing amusement.

Kai placed the scramble key on the back of the lock, but it was backwards and wouldn't work. "What are you doing?"

"Unlocking the door? I'm pretty sure," Kai told him, poking at the lock. "I don't know why the key isn't registering, though."

"Explain the process to me," he invited.

She turned to stare at him, seeming shocked. "You want me to teach you how to slice?"

"Why not?" Thorn asked. "Teaching a skill is one of the best ways to see if you've learned it."

"Fine," Kai huffed. "First, you attach the scramble key to the back of the lock… oops. That's definitely backwards. Anyway! Once the system has registered the key, it can start running possible combinations. Then your only job is to keep the security systems from booting you out."

Thorn watched the process, trying not to smile as Kai clumsily shut down security checks and shutdown attempts. Her methods weren't pretty, but they were effective, and the lock dropped from the door after a few minutes of work.

He retrieved the lock and the scramble key for her, taking a moment to study the key close-up. Thorn hadn't seen anything like it before. That was impressive, considering how much of his job revolved around slicing attempts. The key was homemade, like all the best scramble keys were, but on a level that told him how well the maker understood the process of slicing.

"Interesting key," he commented, hiding his interest. "Where did you get it?"

Kai glanced at it, unimpressed. "Ark gave it to me. She said it was trustworthy."

So Ark was a slicer. If she had been the one who made that key, she was kriffing good at it, too. Thorn made a mental note to ask Thire about the woman he had been spending so much time talking to. A moment later, that and all other coherent thoughts left his mind as Kai turned back and asked, "Do you want to come inside?"

He stared at her, dark brows furrowed. "You don't like me."

"I don't like when you mock me," she corrected. "But I like you just fine. Plus, you aren't arresting me when we both know you could. I think that's worth a cup of caf. Maybe even a cookie."

"Maybe even two cookies," he joked, following her into the apartment.

Kai gave a teasing scoff over her shoulder. "Let's not get ahead of ourselves."

---

A/N - Poor Kai. That would have to be a pretty hefty blow to your ego! Good thing Thorn was the one to respond - even if he did lie about knowing how to slice. On that note, do you know who knows nothing about slicing? Me. So if anyone is an expert about the process and this reads poorly, I'm sorry! I just started playing Republic Commando and did a lengthy skim on the Wikipedia page about slicing, but that's the extent of my knowledge.

[derangedroyalfae]

Sunday, April 18, 2021 - 10:00pm

{mostly taken from a conversation with my best friend, Jem - there were some bits that I thought were worded well}

Royal (2:26 PM): Sometimes I think about taking antidepressants again if only to numb the pain. And then I remember how it made me too numb and to everything, so then I think about drinking or doing edibles, but then it still sounds awful and could possibly amplify those feelings (as alcohol usually does make me feel more upset). And that’s sometimes why self-harm becomes a substitute, because it ether distracts from those feelings or even makes you feel like your receiving punishment for whatever you’re upset about. But I know self-harm turns into a loop of guilt and shame and worrying about worrying others.

Jem (2:27 PM): I haven't heard the same about edibles that I hear about alcohol

Or marijuana in general I suppose

Royal (2:28 PM): Weed scares me. Like I’m worried I’ll have a reaction because whenever people smoke or cook it around me, I get super sick feeling. I also know Kitty had a bad reaction to edibles, like gave her ultra anxiety and hallucinations or something like that.

Jem (2:29 PM): Ah, gotcha I myself am allergic so I can't say I've tried it myself either

Royal (2:29 PM): I think I might be allergic and I don’t wanna find out the hard way

When people smoke/cook it around me, I get nauseous and a headache

Jem (2:32 PM): Yeah, I used to have two roommates that both smoked weed in our tiny apartment I used to have near constant headache until I moved out the next year

Royal (2:33 PM): I wish I could just remove those negative feelings I have: anger, sadness, jealousy, dysphoria, etc Put them somewhere far away so I wouldn’t have to deal with them, and wouldn’t have to hurt others because of them

(I tend to use dysphoria for myself as an in general term, not just with gender dysphoria, btw)

Jem (2:34 PM): Aah, yeah, I get you

Royal (2:38 PM): But even though I’m scared I’ll have a bad reaction, I’m mighty tempted to ask Hummingbird if I can try one of her edible gummies rn...

Jem (2:41 PM): I wonder if there's a way to try it in a safe/monitored way

Royal (2:41 PM): Well, if I do just one gummy

With their supervision

So if I have a bad reaction, they can watch over me or drive me to the urgent care

I love how it’s called urgent care but usually has like an hour or longer wait

Jem (2:43 PM): Ah yeah, that'd be the best way to do it Keep the phone handy too

Royal (2:45 PM): Hey, at the very least, doesn’t look like it has any interactions with my cholesterol medication

Jem (2:46 PM): That's good to know

Royal (2:50 PM): I don’t think I’ll actually follow through with it or anything, just my mind thinking of solutions

I’m feeling calmer now anyway

For now

{And then proceeded to draw this (it’s an idea I’ve had this idea for a long time now, especially since the first time I experienced extreme jealousy with Capy, but never had the courage to follow through since I’ve never done inking and rarely traditional colour, but I finally worked up the motivation to try, and honestly, it’s perfect timing as it was therapeutic to draw)}:

Royal (8:09 PM): Random question, I’m curious your thoughts on this: do you think it’s insensitive to joke about getting with other people when you’re in a relationship, especially/at least in front of your partner (at least if the two of you haven’t established a non-monogamous relationship), and even more so if you know your partner is dealing with jealousy issues?

Jem (8:12 PM): I’d think so, yeah

It's definitely odd

Unless it's like, I donno, a celebrity or something

But even then, it'd make me wonder why someone would say that if they knew already their partner was having issues

Royal (8:12 PM): Like someone they know/knew or met in the past, but 100% out of the picture now

So it’s def not a celeb

Jem (8:14 PM): Yeah then even without the jealousy issues, unless that's some sort of pre-established shared humor, it's kinda weird

Royal (8:15 PM): K, I was curious what you’d think

I agree with that too, it just feels really insensitive, at least if you’re monogamous

{Whilst I never told Jem what it was about, it has to do with something similar that had happened earlier today - though I am not technically in a monogamous relationship, so the above can’t fully apply to me. But to explain this better, I’ll have to jump back to something that happened in December 2020.

Capybara had told me about how there was this really attractive lecturer he met in the past whom if I remember correctly, spoke Greek, so his friend got him a Greek dictionary to help him try to impress her, but he never really ran into her again. I had made a comment that you know, guess it worked out for the better because then we would have never become a thing should he have actually succeeded in getting with her. And he made a joke that wasn’t the case or a joke that brushed off what I said as almost nothing. I knew he was joking, but it was kinda a really emotional time for everyone and I’m still even to this day working through my newfound romantic/sexual jealousy issues, so I took it kinda harsh at first and then eventually told him that same night how that kinda made me feel shitty.

Well, today, we were gaming with one of his friends (super great, hardworking, and nice lad) that we often play Sea of Thieves with and it turns out that was the same friend who got him the Greek dictionary, so it somehow got brought up in conversation…and just…they were joking that Capybara was Odysseus and this other woman was Odysseus’s wife and they’d find each other again one day. I can’t remember which character they assigned the friend but they were saying I could be one of the gods, and I’ll be honest, didn’t handle that situation the best, so I made a off hand comment of something like, “Guess I can be Athena or Aphrodite since they’re the jealous types, guess that works pretty well.” Don’t know if they picked up the hint. I don’t know if they were at all thinking about how this was something awkward for me, cuz I’m pretty sure the friend is aware that I’m dating Capy and is supposed to assume we’re monogamous as Capybara doesn’t really feel comfortable letting his friends or family know I have other partners. It just also happened to be a sore topic for me, cuz when Capy made that joke, even though I knew it was nothing more than a joke, it made me feel like nothing and replaceable, which I already see myself as.

Just to kinda let Capybara know that I’d prefer the topic to be dropped, I messaged him privately: “So I just remembered, it was you talking about that Greek dictionary thing to impress that girl and making a joke that like, meeting me wasn’t for the better cuz she’s still out there that kinda made me feel like shit even though it was a joke”

To which he responded with: “she's a lecturer my dude 😂 she's like in her 40's - don't worry”

And I replied with: “No I know, but it was more of the joke that followed that rubbed me wrong. At the time”

And he just sent these two emoji’s in response: 😧 😕

Immediately after our messages, as we had still been playing, he went dead silent and so I noticed this (not sure if the friend did at first) and I at first just tried to silently apologize in DM, cuz I hadn’t meant to upset him, but he still remained silent. So shortly after, I asked if we should call it quits even though it was early. I felt so guilty and I immediately sent him more apology messages and even an apology voice memo, but I assumed he turned his phone off by that point.

Once again, my jealousy got the best of me and I hurt the person I love most in the world and made a fun time involving friends go awkward. I was having a good early afternoon/late morning with him at first, and then I ruined it because I couldn’t keep my mouth shut and my jealousy under control. I’m such an asshole.}

Royal (8:22 PM): Off topic, but still on the issue of jealousy, I feel like when I have jealousy issues myself at the point I’m at, it’s like a double headed snake due to me being in a polyamorous relationship - one head are just the pre-established toxic/venomous things that come with jealousy and the other head is the guilt and shame of feeling I have no right to be jealous when I have two other partners myself thus making me feel hypocritical (and being ignorant of any potential jealousy from other partners)

It feels like those two snake heads could eat me alive with just a few bites each if I let them in

It’s such a viscous cycle and honestly, the basic head of jealousy is enough of a problem that turns my stomach, but the second head just makes me want to surrender to the earth

Jem (8:28 PM): I get you It's a lot

Emotions are hard

Royal (8:28 PM): Especially when they revolve around something or someone you already have such an emotional attachment with

And then those feelings, like feelings of jealousy, only end up making you hurt the ones you love

Making them feel guilty or annoyed or like you don’t trust them or something

Jem (8:31 PM): Tbh, as someone who generally struggles with a lot of jealousy type issues, I get that (not necessarily romantic jealousy even, but just there's undercurrents of it that are always there and present in every relationship)

I don't think it's something that can ever be fully dealt with and just I guess has to be accepted and worked around At least for me

Royal (8:33 PM): And it makes you wonder if you truly care for those if you’re so easily jealous of them, since they tell you that shouldn’t feel that way if you really love someone, that you should be able to love them blindly and trust them, and it’s not like I don’t trust, but I feel so easily discardable by those who I could never even fathom of turning my back on

Royal (8:34 PM): Honestly, I’ve even felt some jealousy toward you in the past - not romantically - but it was something I worked on

Jem (8:34 PM): What if I were to say same though haha

Royal (8:34 PM): You seemed to be doing so well with you VN and you picked up art so fast

Jem (8:35): Aah for me it's always revolving around

My need for attention tbh

Royal (8:35 PM): But I told myself, “you just need to keep trying. Feeling negatively toward someone success is selfish and gets you nowhere. Improve yourself and you can also feel that success. He’s not succeeding to hurt you in anyway - you should be happy for him.”

Or like, probably not those exact words, but ya know, that idea

Royal (8:36 PM): Yeah, I understand that too, especially growing up in a family of 6

That kinda happened the other day with Kitty (whom at this point my feelings are pretty platonic) - for over a week now I’ve been telling the girls about a game (For the King) I’ve been interested in playing with them, and the other day, Hummingbird went on a social distancing date with Crystal, so I asked Kitty if she’d like to play with me since it’d be just the two of us and she agreed. However, she had a headache, so we thought it’d be best if she napped first and if she felt better later on then we could play. When she woke up, Lapis hit her up for some gaming and Kitty decided to game with her instead and forgot she agreed to game with me...

Jem (8:41 PM): Ah, that kinda thing really sticks with me

Royal (8:41 PM): And so I’m just getting to a point where I feel like I should just stop asking them if they wanna game with me, because it’s not the first time something like this has happened (at least they don’t follow through, not a matter of them deciding to do something with someone else)

Like, I made the Murder Beans server so Capybara and Kitty (and Hummingbird if she ever decided to get Among Us) could game with my friends in the CSR Creations server, and that was back in fall...the girls never joined a game even when showing express interest and saying they would

Kitty also once went and bought Lapis like the whole Halo Master Chief Collection for Lapis cuz she was broke and wanted it, and the proceeded to play it with her and Hummingbird...and like...I also would have liked to have played Halo with them if given the opportunity, but I was never asked

Sheezus, don’t even get me started in my family and how invisible they made me feel

But yeah, I’m at a point with the girls that I don’t think it’s even worth bothering to ask anymore, at least about gaming

Hummingbird’s confusion and migraines are also coming back, so she has a legit medical excuse and I can’t really bother her about it

Jem (8:48 PM): I get you, yeah

All of those things would really bother me too They have in the past

I remember when I first joined UCSD, I started hanging out often with the girls that lived around me in the dorms And we all started watching Orphan Black together

And then I literally had no idea when they finished the show because after the first couple sessions they forgot to invite me

Royal (8:51 PM): Oof, yeah, that’d bother me too, or at least tell me how they felt about me in my mind

I don’t think with my jealousy, it’s a matter of not trusting my partner or friends or whomever, it’s just a matter of feeling such low self-worth that I feel easy to discard, and when I get brushed to the side or have someone joking along the lines as how dating me wasn’t for the better when someone else is out there, it furthers those feelings I have about myself, those feelings of self-worth and how I’m replaceable or not worth shit

Jem (8:54 PM): I get you I know mine stems from feeling forgettable

Royal (8:54 PM): I know I’m an annoying person, I know I can be a lot and emotionally draining, I know I can be hypersensitive - so I know it feels like it’d be better to be rid of that sort of force if you can find someone better who doesn’t make you feel the way I’d do

(In response to feeling forgettable) Yeah

If you remove the fun hair, piercings, and tattoo, I’m actually quite a boring person

And I’m quite isolated. If you don’t include my partners, there’s only really two people who come to mind that I’d consider close friends that I can talk to: you and someone else (you’ve never met her)

I’m getting to a point where I have a hard time talking to the girls due to the guilt I feel about me more or less wanting to be platonic with them, and then Hummingbird is constantly having a medical crisis and I’d feel bad burdening her further

So really, I’m isolated down to two people, primarily you, + Capybara, and yeah, that’s my own fault

I feel easily exhausted by my other options at this point, where I feel like I can only take Candy in small doses (which feels really hypocritical of me) and my other VA friends or gaming friends, I don’t know if I’m close enough to have those kinds of conversations with, especially the VA friends since I tend to be their boss

For the most part, the other people I’d sometimes talk about these issues with are on servers that are primarily dead, so it feels awkward to hop back in only to bitch about my life

Besides, I hate seeming like I’m only spewing forth toxicity and negative emotions over and over again

Which I worry I do too much with you as is

[darley1101]

Say You Won’t Let Go (Nov 2 Music)

A/N For the November prompt challenge hosted by @meeraaverywalker November 2: Music featuring Katarina Vance and Parker Shaw from It Live Beneath. Combined with first kiss while slow dancing, a night kiss with a promise, and 'Why are you looking at me like that?' Requested by @blackcatkitaTags are at the end of the story. If you would like to be added, moved, or removed please let me know. If you enjoyed the story please consider giving it a like, comment or re-blog. Thank you for reading.

Rating/warning: Mature due to slight sexual innuendos.

Side note: for those who are into this sort of thing, the song Kat and Parker are dancing to:  Say You Won't Let Go   

Say You Won't Let Go

Drawing her bare legs up beneath her, Katarina leaned against the rail and stared down at the deceptively peaceful water lapping at the sides of the boat. She didn't know what Imogen was thinking, hosting another party on her parents yacht so soon after Kyle's death. It just felt wrong. It also felt like they were asking for trouble. 'I shouldn't have come,' Katarina thought, her fingers absentmindedly toying with the frayed hem of her denim shorts. She'd been on the verge of declining the invitation when Imogen mentioned that Parker was going to be off duty and able to come have fun for once. Like some love sick school girl, Katarina had quickly accepted. It had been a mistake. Parker hadn't spoken more than two words to her and she couldn't shake the guilt or unease for attending a party that felt very much like the one where Kyle had died.

“Hey.”

At the sound of Parker's voice, Katarina drew her gaze from the water. Her traitorous heart sped up, fueled by a love sick adrenaline rush. “Hey,” she echoed. The fingers plucking at the fraying on her shorts picked up speed, tangling in the white threads. She didn't know how to react to his sudden attention. The last time they had been alone together she had made a fool of herself by flirting with him and asking him for coffee. He'd quickly shot her down, citing work as the reason. It had been a plausible excuse, one that didn't completely put her off since he'd followed it by suggesting they exchange numbers. Not that he ever contacted her. Which made her coming to the party because he was going to be there even more pathetic.

“Why are you looking at me like that?”

The question caught Katarina off guard. Her brows drew together, confusion clouded her eyes. “Like what?”

“Like you're confused about why I'm talking to you.” He nudged her foot with his own, a playful grin stretching across his full, kissable lips. Full, kissable lips? It took every ounce of Katarina's will power not to gag. Since when was she that girl? The one who noticed things like how kissable a guy's lips were? Looks had never factored into what attracted her to a guy. Her ex-boyfriend Gary had been cute enough, in a Sheldon from The Big Bang Theory sort of way, but it had been his quirky sense of humor that drew her in. Ironically enough, it was that same quirky humor that pushed her away. Well, that and the fact that he'd made her first and only sexual experience awful. There had been no foreplay, no loving kisses. Just Gary lubing up with some KY and sticking it in. His reasoning had been the first time was going to suck no matter what so why not just get it over with so they could get to the good stuff. He hadn't thought about how painful it would be for her or how she might not appreciate his little jokes about needing practice. 'Why are you thinking about that loser,' she silently scolded herself. She knew the answer. It was Parker and his kissable lips.

“I'm not confused,” Katarina lied. Everything about Parker confused her. His hot and cold demeanor. The way he made her feel. It would be easier if she was the sort of girl who could just point blank ask a guy how he felt, what his intentions were. She didn't have that sort of bravery in her. Jumping in to save Kyle and then trying to get justice for Ned had been anomalies, she didn't usually have that much courage.

“Good because most girls don't understand about my no flirting while on the clock rule.” He dropped down next to her, his muscular thigh pressing against her slimmer one. “It probably seems silly, but I'm the youngest and the newest...a lot of the older officers are just waiting for me to screw up.” Parker glanced at her, his grin widening, “you should know...not flirting with you has been the hardest thing I've done in a while.”

“Really?” Her heart skipped a beat before accelerating to triple time when he nodded. Katarina chewed her lower lip and then let out a sigh. “Parker, I'm really not very understanding. I mean, I am. I totally get why you don't flirt while you're on the clock. I just...I didn't realize you were serious about that and...” she shrugged, her cheeks flushing.

“And you thought I wasn't interested.” She nodded. “Kat, if I wasn't interested I wouldn't have given you my phone number or asked for yours.”

Katarina felt her cheeks flush even more. “I thought you were being polite. Besides...you never text or called me. What was I supposed to think?”

“You could have text me,” Parker pointed out. “That's why I gave you my number. Plus, I've been busy.” He glanced around before lowering his voice. “I talked to Ned after you came into the station the other day. He wasn't acting like himself and he was definitely favoring his left side...like he'd hurt himself or-”

“Or been stabbed,” Katarina finished breathlessly. The fact that Parker had taken her seriously when she'd burst into the station announcing that Ned had been stabbed to death, only for Ned to walk out of the Chief's office very much alive, was huge. Parker had no reason to trust her, she wouldn't have blamed him for writing her off as crazy after that incident, but he'd taken her at her word and looked into it. “Parker, I-”

“Guys,” Imogen cried, dancing towards them, “it's a party!” She grabbed Katarina by the hand, pulling her to her feet. “Dance with me! You too Parker!”

“I don't dance,” Katarina protested, glancing over her shoulder at Parker. He smiled and then shrugged before moving his body in time to the music. 'Of course he's a good dancer,' she thought, trying to coordinate her body with the rhythm of the song. It was one she recognized and had occasionally danced to in the privacy of her dorm room. Who didn't dance when Kesha came on?

“This place about to blow-oh-oh-oh,” Imogen sang, shaking her hair out of her face and shrieking with laughter. It was a relief to see something other than sadness on the other girl's face. The memory of Kyle was hovering just beneath the surface, it was written in her eyes, but she wasn't going to let it define how she lived. “Come on, Kat! Sing it with me!”

Katarina shook her head. “Hard pass.” The only thing worse than her dancing was her singing. Her freshmen roommate had dragged her to a charity Karoke event and basically forced her on to the stage, where she was promptly booed off before she could reach the chorus of Miley Cyrus' Party In The USA.

“Dance with me?” Parker pulled her close as the music transitioned into a slow ballad. Heart pounding, Katarina raised her arms and looped them around Parker's neck. Beneath his light gray t shirt she could feel his heart thumping triple time. She closed her eyes, trying to concentrate on the lyrics of the song instead of how amazing it felt to have Parker's hands resting on her hips. I met you in the dark, you lit me up. You made me feel as though I was enough. We danced the night away... “There's just something about you,” he murmured against her ear. Her eyes fluttered open, their gazes locking. She felt her breathing starting to accelerate when his head dipped just slightly. “Kat...” The way he whispered her name sent tingles throughout her body. It was unlike anything she'd ever felt. She closed her eyes, her breathe hitching when his lips brushed across hers. It was innocent enough, just a whisper of flesh against flesh, yet there was something hot and demanding as well...a promise of more. “Kat,” he whispered again. His left hand slid up the side of her body, stirring awareness, before sliding into her wavy dark hair. His fingers rest just below her ear, his thumb gently rubbing across her cheek bone as their breathes mingled. He used his other arm to pull her closer, sealing the gap between their bodies. It felt right, the way each curve and valley fit together perfectly.

“Ahem.”

Katarina jumped back, her cheeks blazing with color as she turned to face Imogen. There was a curious mixture of amusement and jealousy in her friend's golden brown eyes. “I hate to break things  up, but my mom called. We have to dock the boat,” Imogen sulked. “Apparently Daddy is pushing for new restrictions about drinking on the lake and it wouldn't look good for his daughter to be throwing a party...especially so soon after an alcohol involved drowning.” Tears brimmed her lashes. “Did she really have to bring up Kyle like that? She made it sound like...like I don't care.”

“I'm sure she didn't mean it like that,” Katarina tried to reassure her but a quick glance at Parker's grimace told her that Imogen's mom probably had meant it like that. “I'm sorry Im.”

“It's not your fault.” Imogen let out a frustrated sigh. 

“Thanks for coming though. I know you were a little hesitant...so I just...I appreciate what a good friend you are Katarina. I don't have many of those left.” The smaller girl impulsively engulfed Katarina in a hug. “Please be careful with Parker,” she whispered lowly. “He's a nice guy but he's got a bit of a reputation for being a flirt. I don't think I've ever seen him get serious with anyone.”

The words were like cold water being thrown in  her face. Everything in Katarina froze. She forced a smile before pulling back. “I'm always careful,” she promised. “It's my middle name. Well, not really, but...it could be.”

“Lunch tomorrow?”

Katarina nodded, shoving her hands into the back pockets of her shorts. Her mile faded when Imogen left to relay the news to the rest of her guests. She should have known Parker was a player. 'Not a player,' an inner voice chided, 'a flirt. There is a difference.' Was there though? Katarina wasn't exactly naive when it came to men but she wasn't all that experienced either. “You have that confused look on your face again,” Parker said softly.

“Oh.” She ducked her head down, studying the apricot colored polish on her toes. “Sorry. I was just thinking.”

“About what Imogen said?” Katarina's head jerked up, her eyes widening. Parker let out a small chuckle and then sighed. “She's not very good at whispering.” He let out another sigh, walking the short distance to the rail. He stared out at the water before turning to face her. “Can I just be blunt?” She hesitated for a moment before nodding. “Pine Spring is a small town. People tend to mistaken friendliness for flirting. I'm not saying I don't flirt...I do...just not as much as people claim. As for never being serious with someone...I guess I've never met the right someone.” His voice lowered, the gold flecks in his hazel eyes intensifying. “Until now.”

Conflict warred with desire. She'd already been through one crummy relationship that had left her sad, disillusioned, and wear. Did she really want to take that risk again? Her mind kept drifting back to the kiss that wasn't quite a kiss. There had been real feeling there...on both of their parts. She hadn't just imagined that. Katarina glanced in Imogen's direction. She knew Imogen meant well, that she was trying to be a good friend, but she also knew Parker was telling the truth. 'You have enough regrets in your life, do you really want to add Parker to that list?'  The answer was simple. She was tired of regrets. If there was one thing she had learned from her parents deaths and the strangeness going on in Pine Springs it was that life was short. Too short really. “Hey Parker,” she said softly, “I like you too. Besides...” she smiled sweetly, “you still owe me a dance.”

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