#and the worst thing is that you dont understand paranoia and psychosis so you will think telling me its not real will work

[malkaviian]

I'm going to cry my mom does this on purpose she does this on purpose she wants to fuck me up

[cassi-pokeblogging-hub]

can you explain what you mean by not bad parents just bad parents to maple specifically? because i dont think you mean like abuse apologist but im struggling to understand the post

i explained a little where its like. the circumstances around maples birth and childhood and i can explain a bit more here. as best i can at least without revealing everything here rather than on maples blog. no idea how familiar you are with what ive dropped about maples parents but his mom is ivy, his dad is ulex, his father is venus, an his pa is nettle. no idea how much ill use their names going on from this point forward but its probably useful to have.

its VERY hard to raise a kid. even the best parents fuck up their kid a little somehow. and sometimes its not really anyones fault its just shit that has to happen from circumstances like a kid that grew up in a family that suddenly became poor cause of layoffs might be kinda stressed out because of the financial issues and thats not the parents fault they were living comfortably with good jobs when the kid was born and then afterwards lost those jobs suddenly and they couldnt have predicted that would happen like a few years down the line. or having a kid while your mental health is GREAT and then like a bad accident happens and your partner dies and just pregnancy/new parent hormones combined with that grief tank your mental health and ability to raise the kid. thatsno ones fault thats shitty circumstance and its a similar kinda thing tha happened with maples parents.

maples parents were all in like university/ranger school when she was born. they were all VERY BUSY and all low/no contact with their parents for various reasons at the time ranging from bad relationship with family to being in college and wanting to be independent while also being stupid irresponsible 19/20 year olds. maple was not planned and everyone kinda deferred to his mom to make decisions since she was the one pregnant. this was a bad idea because his mom was not mentally stable AT ALL at this point for multiple reasons. she dissasociated for basically the entire pregnancy and for much of maples first 6 years of life. post partum depression and psychosis beat her fucking ass at one point. IN THE MIDDLE OF THIS her luxray died as well. ivy's paranoia and lack of awareness of anything that was happening around her led to her suggesting they all just stay in school and finish their shit so they all have better jobs in the longterm and can take care of maple later as well as kept any of them from contacting family from help. she was not even aware that she had kinda pressued everyone into these decisions and FOR A WHOLE SIX YEARS thought ulex had dropped out of ranger schools to take care of maple. he hadnt. (side note ivy is a therapist now. she was in school for that when maple was younger. yeah. when your therapist needs a therapist more than you). once she had kinda gotten out of that spell when maple was 6 she still kinda did the bare minimum because she was afraid of being her abusive father. if ANY of these circumstances were different. if any of her partners realized how fucked up ivy was maple would have had a VASTLY different childhood and be not anywhere near as fucked up. they would have been fine. its just the fact they were all in university and ivy won the most mentally ill woman competition for like 7 years consecutively that made them raise maple badly. hell, ivy has realized she FUCKED UP. she wants a relationship with maple and maple does want a relationship with her but right now maple is terribly affraid of her (for easons that are not her fault) and they cannot have this relationship. maples other parents did what they can to fix things as well its just hard rn when maples in paldea and the only parent in paldea is super busy with work usually so they only get to hang out every few weeks.

if they had another kid now that kid would be raised well. maple is just the worlds worst example of born at a bad time.

[schizosupport]

Hi! I never send asks I'm sorry if this is weird or awkward? I'm just sitting in a mental health ward right now and trying to figure out whats going on.

So I've had mental health problems for a decade now but the past week is the first time my paranoia and things have ever gotten this bad, it felt like there were creatures? shadow people? in my apartment and i was only safe if i stayed totally still and silent cause then they couldnt hurt me, i kept seeing them out of the corner of my eyes, and it just wasnt safe to touch the floor or look in mirrors in the same way your brain wont let you touch a hot stove and no one seems to understand when i explain that its just not safe i cant do it and i cant explain. Is there a word for that? i dont understand any of this.

But it just kept getting worse and worse until my friend called the police on me and they took me to the hospital. ive calmed down now and realize it wasnt real but it FELT real and I feel like im going insane and don't know what to do, theyre saying its micropsychosis because of my bpd and because its supposedly bpd they dont know if they can help with meds but i dont feel like i can function like this, i know it gets bad again when im alone and i live alone and no one here seems to understand anything about psychosis at all, they keep giving me pamphlets on anxiety and breathing exercises (helpful but not what I need-what do i do when im seeing things? when something feels unsafe do i force myself to do it anyways as exposure therapy? or treat it like its real and try and calm down that way?) And basically i was wondering if you have any advice? or even reliable places to read more to learn about psychosis or micropsychosis or whatever this is? i just know its terrifying and im scared and dont feel like i can talk to anyone about it. Sorry this got so long!

Hi there!

It sounds like you had a really scary episode of paranoia, I'm sorry that happened to you! It's definitely recognizable to me as an experience, and I completely understand why you are scared of being that irrationally afraid again. It's very scary to lose control of your own mind in that way.

It always sucks when the MH professionals around you don't seem to quite understand your difficulty. While they may be right that this sounds like it could be an episode of "micro psychosis" that could be associated with bpd (or other disorders), that doesn't mean that it isn't a type of psychosis and that you can't benefit from resources geared more at that.

I would say about medication that the professionals may be reluctant around antipsychotic medication, because those are very side effect heavy medications, but if you continue to have experiences like this, it's not to say that it couldn't be worth it for you. Everyone responds very differently.

As for how to "deal with it" it's honestly very hard, especially in the beginning, and it's not something I can easily summarize in my current state and everyone is very different. But I think that trying to find things that make you feel more safe in the moment is important, even if it's "silly". Like for me, if I'm having a bad time when I'm going to sleep, I'll sleep with my lights on to avoid the worst of the paranoia. And I know some people have a teddy they consider protective, stuff like that. It might seem like "leaning into the crazy", but I don't personally think that it's harmful to use the "crazy" logic of these episodes to find a bit of comfort as well.

I hope that you can start to feel more safe.. and if this continues or gets worse I hope you can find some help from the professionals in your life.. otherwise I recommend looking for communities of others with similar experiences.

I hope this answer finds you well,

Glitch

[papa-rhys]

Backing you up in that post you replied too about mental health, your so right. I had severe trauma that started from childhood and went until I was 20. But beacuse my family didnt know about it they just assumed I would be depressed or anxious every now and then growing up and ignored the other signs. I never spoke to anyone about those issues beacuse my mother especially taught me that no one wants to hear about my problems so I shouldnt talk about them. Then I was 17 I moved out and for the past 8 years have been fully independent from my family.

I worked hard in all my jobs, graduated from college. They knew something else was going on but beacuse whatever that mental illness or problem was didnt effect them they ignored it. Still I had never once seen a doctor or professional about it beacuse they taught me my problems weren't anyone else's.

Suddenly in late 2019 something changed and I started slipping down the slope. And gradually I could tell whatever mental illness I had been trying to push back was about to hit me hard. It coincided with covid, so when I lost my job I was left totally alone to fall into what clearly is severe ptsd.

But now that my unemployment from losing my job is going to run out soon, I'm back under tremendous pressure to get a job, and they completely ignore the fact that I very clearly have distressing mental health problems going on that make even the idea of going back to work send me onto a panic attack. I'm early on in treatment I only just got a family doctor last month so any treatment or process of being able to claim disability for how debilitating my mental health makes me feel is far off and my family just refuses to see that as an answer.

To them if I'm not working I'm lazy and not productive to society. I'm not saying all this to get sympathy I simply wanted to say that even though my situation is clearly different from yours I understand what you were saying.

To my family, my mental illness makes me unproductive to society and therefore I need to just get over it and get a job already, despite the fact that my mental health is so bad I'm always just one really bad day away from a severe self harm slip.

It was fine when I was just depressed or anxious as long as I contributed to society as a working woman but now that I'm not working and I dont think I'll be able to for a while? I'm lazy and stubborn and just milking my problems so I can do whatever I want all day.

No amount of preaching from normal people will convince me that "we care about mentally illness". Beacuse when the actual debilitating side of mental illness shows, suddenly theyll find any excuse to blame you for it rather then take care of you.

I totally feel you, 100%. So many people have the same experience, especially with families. And it’s shitty that so many people can remember similar experiences and interactions, but at the same time I guess it means we’re not totally alone in what we’ve gone through. We can all get together and bitch about the ignorant people we’ve encountered, so that’s a small consolation I suppose! I’m so sorry you had to go through all of that for so long before getting help, it really is the worst feeling to have to fight that long just to prove your case. I had the same thing. Every doctor I spoke to for 10 years told me I was fine. I had psychosis teams, nurses, mental health workers; all calling me lazy to my face and saying that therapy wasn’t working because I “wasn’t trying hard enough” and “didn’t want to get better.” The list of things I’ve been told by these people goes on, I could legit write a book about them. Turns out they were treating me for completely the wrong illness for 10 years! And I knew that. I kept telling them. I knew exactly what I had and was telling them the entire time, telling them about hallucinations and voices and the paranoia. But they ignored it because it was easier for them to write me off as being lazy and anxious, and so that’s what they did, and I missed out on the most formative decade of my life because of it. I’m now 25, can’t drive, don’t have higher education (a requirement in the UK), never had a job, never been to social events, don’t have friends, can’t leave the house alone, and need care constantly. I’m now preparing to start the same stage of life as 16 year olds are currently experiencing. I’ll be studying high school education in my 30s. And it could have been stopped when I was 14 if they’d just bloody listened. But that’s how the system is, even in 2021. Mental illness is a subject that even doctors are ignorant about.

It’s an uphill battle dealing with people who talk shit about things they’re totally ignorant on. Especially when those topics and conversations directly impact your existence. Everyone’s got an opinion, even if most of them are the wrong opinion.

[angelic-schizo]

Psych Med Reviews

I’ve been tried on a shit ton of meds so I figured I’d give my experience on them. My diagnoses are: schizophrenia, PTSD, generalized anxiety disorder, and borderline personality disorder.

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Sleep Meds:

Trazadone- WORST. SLEEP. MEDICATION. That I have EVER taken. Sent me into a psychotic break (thankfully I was inpatient at the time) and was overall a bad time. Made my psychosis horrible.

Vistaril- Same experience as Trazadone except a little less severe and made me a tiny bit less drowsy than trazadone did.

Remeron- It was most likely just my body, but I had a dystonic reaction to it and had hella leg jerks so I can’t take it.

Atarax- Was just like taking 50 mg of Benadryl. Made me drowsy but didn’t help my sleep at all.

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Anti-depressants:

Zoloft- This is the only antidepressant I’ve been prescribed for depression/anxiety and it really mainly helps my anxiety but at least it helps right? Dont cold turkey it if you don’t want to end up inpatient.

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Antipsychotics:

Abilify- Weight gain. Twitches. Sleep. One of the worst I was prescribed for my schizophrenia/psychosis. Even months after I’ve been off it I still have minor twitches in my neck/head area and put on 20 pounds I probably won’t lose. Helped my hallucinations the most but the side effects outweighed the benefits.

Risperdal: WEIGHT GAIN. Once again made me put on even more weight (about 10 pounds, so not as much as abilify). Made my brain foggy and I couldn’t concentrate on anything. Slightly toned down the voices, increased my paranoia.

Seroquel: Actual hell. I’m not bipolar but it ended me up in the hospital as my psychiatrist was worried it had made me severely manic. Constantly sleeping. Not much difference with psychotic symptoms.

Geodon: I wasn’t on this long, it just gave me severe anxiety. As for helping my symptoms, quieted voices a little bit, increased paranoia.

Latuda: made me VERY angry after only two days of being on it. Didn’t notice any difference in helping my psychosis.

Vraylar: This is what I’m currently on and have been on for about three weeks. It works almost as well as the abilify did as for psychotic symptoms but the twitches are worse than on the abilify. Still hearing and seeing things but not as severely. No weight gain so that is a plus!

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Benzodiazepines:

Ativan- I’ve only ever taken Ativan as needed and it works wonders. Helps me sleep, calms me down, and helps the twitches from side effects of antipsychotics.

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I hope this was helpful in some form in helping you chose and understand how meds might affect you!

[i-am-very-very-tired]

NICOLE July 5, 2017 at 7:22 am Please stop using mental illness as an excuse to be an asshole. Mental illness does not force you to be horrible to people. Also remember Kanye was doing this long before his breakdown. Rap is built on beef so frankly I’m not surprised he came for Kanye. He came for his wife and by all gossip accounts Kimye are obsessed with Bey and Jay. 4:44 is pretty great and some of Jay’s best. It’s also more than this stupid beef MARIA F. July 5, 2017 at 7:31 am I totally agree. Maybe Kanye’s environment should have prevented him from performing in such a state, but of course, he is their cash cow. But even if he was not feeling well, Jay Z has the right to be offended by what was said. At the end of the day, i believe this is all about controversy and selling records. Everybody has been focused on that line since the album dropped. RENEE2 July 5, 2017 at 7:39 am Okay, Deriding people’s mental health issues is sh*tty and I don’t condone it. But I don’t understand why people are acting shocked at Jay-Z, as though he were of such staunch moral fiber before. The guy is smart, successful, and can be funny but he is also a mercenary, deeply misogynist, and frankly, more than a bit sleazy. I mean, people have heard his rhymes about women, right? Not to mention his profligate use of the nword. Dude is hardly PC. Kanye is also a douche. Again, how many times has he been offensive. This is another misogynist, and one who has used homophobic slurs in his rhymes although he professes to be queer positive. We’re supposed to forget all that because we now deem him to have mental health issues??? As Nicole stated, we should not give him a pass just because he is not well, dude is an *sshole, plain and simple. NICOLE July 5, 2017 at 7:49 am Exactly. People act like having a mental illness is a magic wand that makes people forgive and forget what you did easily. That’s not how that works. It doesn’t erase why you did or how people felt because of your actions. I tell clients this all the time. You cannot control how people react to you. Being mentally ill may give them a framework for more understanding but again it does not erase the action. And Kanye was an ass before this. So yep. DEM July 5, 2017 at 8:13 am “he is also a mercenary, deeply misogynist, and frankly, more than a bit sleazy. I mean, people have heard his rhymes about women, right?” Jay Zs lyrics on women are actually among the least misogynist of the genre. Two weeks ago we had an Eminem post and not only was there no mention of his violent lyrics against women, it was filled with “he is so cute” comments. And my post on his lyrics some of which threaten a specific woman by name were moderated out. But here we are, the instant the subject is a black dude…. Its “dude is hardly PC”. “Not to mention his profligate use of the nword”…..lmao As if the N-er word was not already on the tips of white tongues. Yes’ its the song about black people in Paris and not white peoples unadulterated hate thats the problem. Those black people who dont wish to reclaim ithe word are entitled to that opinion and should just not use it. I stand firmly and proudly in the reclaim camp. This site reclaims “bitchy”, gay people reclaim the F word and Its not your business that black men and women have reclaimed the N word. RENEE2 July 5, 2017 at 8:32 am @DEM, I can’t tell if you are trolling (I think you probably are) or not but here goes: 1) The point that I was making was that BOTH Jay-Z and Kanye have used problematic language so we shouldn’t be shocked if that Jay is being insensitive in this instance, nor should we necessarily be sympathetic to Ye in this instance because he has a history or being an insensitive clod too. 2) I can’t comment on the Eminem thread as I am also not here for that trick for numerous reasons, including his misogyny, so uh, nice try 3) Though I wasn’t critiquing Jay’s use of the nword, but rather was saying that his use of it demonstrates that he does not subscribe to notions of what is considered to be acceptable, I am also not here for that term. It is ugly, it is violent, and I don’t think that it’s something that Black people need to reclaim. I don’t know how you got that I was not Black from my comments but I am so you can step off with telling how I should feel about. ERINN July 5, 2017 at 8:47 am Dem - I know Em has been called out plenty on this site. He hasn’t gotten a big magical pass by any means. I don’t actually think I saw the recent Em post – and I’ve been on this site for like 5 years or more. Some posts slip through the cracks, or people are busy, or whatever. Personally I think Em is incredibly talented – but also someone who grew up with a really f—ed up life. It doesn’t excuse his behavior as an adult, but I also don’t look at him and think “he had every chance, and a healthy relationship with women, why is he talking this shit”. He was a mess, he’s gotten a lot better about certain things, but the Slim persona is played up so much, and a lot of awful things are said across so many categories. I tend to think of Jay similarly. He got dealt a sh-t hand growing up – he pulled himself up, but unfortunately his lyrics still are incredibly problematic at times. He’s still incredibly talented, and I don’t think his lyrics are an exact display of who he is as a person. I think most artists exaggerate like crazy and try to keep a persona kind of separate from their real life, but it doesn’t mean that it’s ‘okay’ that they say the things they do. I’m not writing him off as a person because of it though. As long as there is growth happening – that’s great. But if they suddenly devolve into a much worse place, then I’m going to have to stop supporting them as artists. KONFUSED July 5, 2017 at 9:28 am @Renee2 whether you are black or not is irrelevant when you say “I don’t think that it’s something that Black people need to reclaim”..you should step off on telling other people how you feel about their use of the N-word it really doesn’t matter if you approve of it or not SANDERS July 5, 2017 at 9:58 am Nicole, from previous posts including this one, it sounds like you are a therapist. I’m surprised you are minimizing JayZ use of words crazy and insane to describe someone with a mental illness. Of course people with a mental illness have to examine their behaviours and coping strategies etc, though in the midst of a breakdown, self awareness takes a back seat. Lets also hold JayZ responsible for his mocking of people with mental health issues and I encourage you to check out the excellent comments from Claire down below. Me= If she's a therapist, I don't want her as mine. She probably works for talkspace? RENEE2 July 5, 2017 at 10:56 am @ KONFUSED Why should I step off telling a poster how I feel about the word when said poster is putting words in my mouth and twisting what I wrote? And again, the reason that I mentioned my racial identity was because the poster stated that I wasn’t in a position to comment on Jay Z’s use of the nword because they assumed I was not Black. Everyone comes here to offer an opinion and get on our respective soapboxes so GTFO with telling me not to share my thoughts on a topic. BRIDGET July 5, 2017 at 11:20 am @Konfused – you’re coming off like you don’t actually have something to say and just want to be mean to someone to make yourself feel better. RENEE2 July 5, 2017 at 11:53 am @KONFUSED Yep, that’s me, the proverbial angry Black woman, lol. Hope it’s not too damp where you’re stationed under the bridge. @ Bridget, Thank you!! IDONTKNOWYOUYOUDONTKNOWME July 5, 2017 at 2:05 pm Well, for example borderline disorder and what is perceived as “a-holeish behavior” kindof come hand in hand RONALDINHIO July 5, 2017 at 5:03 pm Whilst you are all saying mental ill health doesn’t give you a pass I’m gonna have to stop ya Many of the behaviours that West exhibited could be signs of a growing mania and paranoia that could present or exist co morbidly with and anxiety disorder or depressive illness. As reported he may have bi polar disorder which might not have been accurately medicated. All or none of these things may have been his actual disorder and all may have been exacerbated by lack of sleep and over work. His grandiosity, rambling, hyper activity, sensitivity moving into paranoia psychosis or mania all sounds like it could be easily described by a mental health disorder. Ignoring the lack of control someone has during an episode of mental ill health or trying to blame them when they often have little control is poor form. LLAMAS July 5, 2017 at 10:51 pm Sick. I have BPD and have never been described as an a**hole. People with BOD treat themselves the worst. FLORC July 5, 2017 at 7:04 pm And being a jerk can be a sign of mental illness. You cannot know either way unless you are much much closer than a commenter here. Im reserving judgement. Kanye is outrageous a lot of the time and shows erratic behavior, but also has appeared to have experienced some incredibly traumatic events. That doesn’t get healed easily if ever.