#and their first instinct is to help b bc theyre hurting and they dont wanna see them hurting

[marcspectrr]

Listennn, having more thoughts about Marc's inability to match Steven in his openness and self-expression because of his learned behavior of deeming it as wrong and how it ties in with how he later views Jake.

Marc conforms to cope, with suppressing parts of his identity related to his autism, his DID, his trauma. He masks, he hides, he lies, despite it all taking even more of a toll on him. But you watch episode 5 and Steven's effects on Marc are...so obvious.

There's this innate vulnerability he has around Steven, both in his physicality and his emotions. Without even really trying, Steven is already teaching Marc self-love, just like how Layla teaches him more secure attachment styles.

But really, Marc doesn't fully understand how bad he was/is at hiding and being chronically, viscerally, utterly, compulsively incapable of allowing himself peace until. He meets Jake. Then there's this slow but violent realization on Marc's end that that thing he's had to live with all his life? Where all his love for the people around him never quite made its way back into him intrinsically? Where self-worth was always contrived at best and a Gordian's knot at worst? Where cynicism was always reaching for his ankles, ready to hold him back from the very notion of latching onto faith?

Jake has it all, but so much worse.

They are cut from an eerily similar cloth. But moral relativism aside, Marc is adamant to help Jake reach that place that Steven helped him reach. Where his intrinsic self-worth is no longer shrouded in the words of his abuser, and he understands what it means to have objective value, and to someday sincerely believe he is a nonderivatively good person.

[everythingmustgo]

Virgo sun, cancer moon, and Pisces ascending if ur still doin the astrology asks!?!!

virgo suns r a good bunch ur some of the kindest of the signs. practical nd analytical. u just wanna make things better tbh ??? u help others a lot nd dont think much of it, its likely u do it so much its expected of u at this point. u think things thru, u way up the pros nd cons, u do whats best for everyone. one thing abt virgos I love is like. they Know. they dont let on that they know but trust me they do. they always Know. u cant hide shit from a virgo. theyll find out. they often feel hurt nd unsure if u arent honest w them abt problems bc they feel a responsibility to help u nd if they dont kno what the problem is they cant help. also i love cancers they r some of me favs !!! while virgos r great supporters of others, ur cancer moon is gonna make this complicated. ur emotional as FUCK nd u feel things hard, the way u feel abt the people u love is almost maternal, u (again) feel a responsibility for them but out of love nd protective instincts. cuz cancer is ruled by the moon, moons in cancer hav such strong feelings nd often feel misunderstood. cancers r full of love but theyre also selfish. not always outwardly (esp bc its ur moon sign), its v likely u keep ur selfish thoughts to urself nd push them down but this doesnt make them go away, it will just make u bitter nd jealous of the attention nd help u give others (cuz u virgo) nd feel hateful that u don’t get the same back. its every man for himself if ur a cancer, nd if ur a cancer moon in emotional distress, u cant put anyone else first. it might b bc u feel things so strongly u simply dont hav room in u for anyone elses feelings at this time, but u just cant. if a cancer moons feeling fine nd ur not, theyll give u a lot of love nd support, but if ur both unhappy, no one can expect a cancer to try nd help cuz they just cant. this w ya virgo moon is gonna feel v unbalanced bc of ur need to fix things that arent right nd ur cancer habit of not facing up to ur feelings. u hate to admit ur selfish feelings, it causes u a lot of guilt nd ur v insecure abt how important u are to others. prone 2 breakdowns r cancers ! make a catastrophe out of nothing. dramatic. virgos r much more sensible nd can solve things practically w/o emotional drama so its likely when ur cancer moon takes over nd u dont hav control of how u feel, it makes u feel lost nd detattched nd u Need That Control but ur emotional side almost always wins. cuz ur pisces ascending people probably see u as v introverted, shy, nd mayb a bit disconnected from reality but highkey spiritually in tune. mystical nd introspective. this is how u wanna b seen ! u show urself as emotional despite ur logical, practical virgo sun, u allow ur emotional nature to b (to an extent) a positive aspect of ur personality. u also show urself 2 b smth of a martyr. this is what made me think mayb ur cancer selfishness is smth u bury in urself tbh like u wanna b seen as someone who would put others first, is helpful nd kind nd considerate nd loving, nd putting urself first is smth that would ruin this identity in ur eyes, but the need for it is always there for u, nd denying this need makes u bitter nd angry. u wish others would look out for u the way u look out for them, just want to put urself first but ur need to help others nd guilt over ur selfish feelings holds u back. virgos nd pisces can both b pushovers so b wary ur not being used. my advice 2 u is that its okay to b selfish !!! its okay to put urself first!!! its good nd its healthy nd u deserve the attention u want. pay attention to urself. uve got virgo nd pisces in ya, which means ur a problem solver nd ur v emotionally nd spiritually in tune, treat urself kindly nd dont blame others. its not bad 2 b selfish its necessary so let urself !!! hope this all made sense

//send me ur signs nd things//

[voidwizerd-archive]

BONDING EXPERIENCES?? ==>

[[ logs with @carnivalsorphans​, our muses keep bonding in very confusing ways, what the fuck are these two ]]

voidwizerd okay first off please dont bring this up w Kankri bc th last thing i can handle rn is anythin resemblin a moral talk im too pissed

carnivalsorphans yeah

voidwizerd do you ever like get a super specific urge to just beat a body senseless does this happen to you

carnivalsorphans often enough that the thought some people don't kinda baffles

voidwizerd i cant get at who i wanna get at theyre all universes away n maybe DEAD which sure would be fuckin convenient fr them huh i just

carnivalsorphans hahaha yeah fuckin relatable

voidwizerd wanna find some shitty person n whale on em until theyre only sorta recognizable

carnivalsorphans hmmm

voidwizerd teeth aint that necessary anyhow ugh

carnivalsorphans hahahaha do you actually want me ta find ya someone shitty ta fuck up or we just talkin hypotheticals and feelings?

voidwizerd i honestly dont even know i just wanted to confirm someone else experiences this too

voidwizerd i figured if anyone does itd be you

carnivalsorphans aight, just feelings yeah, you bet sib a lot. and it's hard. just kinda.... keepin that real tight inside it winds ya up a bit warps you and makes ya feel all weird til ya can do somethin ta make it stop i used ta bleed myself and then paint with it, but wicked said that's bad, so i'm tryinna figure somethin else out

carnivalsorphans i felt that way bout anyone i actually give a fuck about, where any time they talk on their old shit it just makes me tense up and start this fuckin rumble

carnivalsorphans usually stop it afore it gets loud though kankri says he don't feel that way at all, but i bet there's somethin that'd wind him up that bad somethin for everyone that just makes em wanna beat someone bloody

voidwizerd yeah it just its like wrappin your insides up tighter n tighter n tighter n it feels like itll rip n spill everythin out

carnivalsorphans yeah

voidwizerd so fuck, if its gonna tear eventually why not choose myself how that happens???

carnivalsorphans yeah and i'd think at least no one was gettin hurt but me and i like pain anyhow

carnivalsorphans and it spills out nice and slow and i get somethin pretty at the end of it but ... ya gotta pick ya poison, sometimes

voidwizerd i guess i did that last one kinda fr different reasons n a bit more extreme but ha ha ........i fuckin hate copin

carnivalsorphans yeah, it's hard i got a lot ta cope with

carnivalsorphans used ta think i was better than addiction, but i ... dunno. feel like an addict sometimes. wicked says i might be one, even. instead of the bottom of a bottle, i just got my claws

voidwizerd just bout anythin can be addicted to i used to run until my body gave out only way my mind would go quiet i miss th quiet

carnivalsorphans .... yeah

voidwizerd but Kankri would worry

carnivalsorphans fuck havin connections ta people hahaha

voidwizerd right its terrible but also i wouldnt know what happy is like either

carnivalsorphans .... yeah

voidwizerd th loneliness was killin me ha like literally lmaooooo

carnivalsorphans yeah i can feel that

voidwizerd well no okay technically i was doin that my own damn self

carnivalsorphans you wouldn't think, surrounded by church who loves me

carnivalsorphans but ya know. lonely at the top

voidwizerd fuckin pussy i was broke in less than two sweeps. whoop whoop yeah yeah i bet lonely is terrible, fuck that shit

carnivalsorphans used ta be worse but used ta be, i didn't care .... way way fuckin back when saw people bein all close to eachother and it seemed like a waste a fuckin time and energy and like they was a bit away from stabbin eachother in the back

carnivalsorphans .... fuckin ignorance was bliss

voidwizerd ha wouldnt it be so much easier just to not

carnivalsorphans yeah

voidwizerd not need that not fuckin CLING to affection like a goddamn lifeline bc its either that n bein treated like garbage or bein treated like nothin at all

carnivalsorphans yeah, fuck that

voidwizerd hurt or isolation take your pick trick question they both hurt and they both make you feel isolated

carnivalsorphans yeah hahahahaha

carnivalsorphans rather have real hurt though. makes shit hard ta focus on .... sometimes, at least

voidwizerd mmn

carnivalsorphans > Try not to think of Artemi. > Try /really hard/

voidwizerd do i like pain fr kinky reasons or do i like it bc i just want someone to beat me to shit

carnivalsorphans hahahahaha

voidwizerd these are th questions

carnivalsorphans just assume it's a little a both

carnivalsorphans nothin's ever so black and white sometimes a lil more of one, sometimes a lil more of another

voidwizerd fuckin

carnivalsorphans and sometimes it fades away so much ya almost forget it's there

voidwizerd hate that shit

carnivalsorphans yeah

voidwizerd wish it could be simple shouldnt knowin yourself be simple but nah

carnivalsorphans hahahahaha

voidwizerd other ppl know me better than me

carnivalsorphans depends on how fuckin much you want to know

voidwizerd aint that just th fuckin way

carnivalsorphans i've tried real hard not ta let anyone know me fuckin hate bein /known/ bein... able ta pin down predict

voidwizerd sure is a thing its scary

voidwizerd scarier than anythin

carnivalsorphans .... yeah and not just cuz i'm scared for my church not just cuz i'm scared a how people will take it just... 's

voidwizerd if i didnt trust Kankri so much id prolly just. go outta my fuckin mind of terror. ha

carnivalsorphans yeah every time me and wicked have a real talk, i get a bit.... tense. all tensed up for him ta fuckin recoil or use shit against me or probably ain't the best way ta feel with ya rail, but

voidwizerd no i i get that fuck dude i literally couldnt tell you how often Jane n Dirk did that to me but my stupid ass kept confidin in em anyway

carnivalsorphans hahaha i never risked it sometimes i'd tell shit to people i was

voidwizerd only reason i didnt confide w Jake at all was cause he never paid attention to anythin that wasnt bout him

carnivalsorphans hurtin. i ain't ever had enough trust in fuckers to do that sorta shit too often

voidwizerd shit dude if ur only confidantes are th ppl ur torturin you just might need to get out more

carnivalsorphans hahahahaha yeah

carnivalsorphans i kinda went a bit nuts after i fell got better though

voidwizerd good on you shoulder pat for success

carnivalsorphans there's a lotta things i miss bout that time. probably more than i should. one more addiction ta add onto the pile

voidwizerd ha careful dude dont wanna be breakin records here

carnivalsorphans hahahaha i've lived a long time, i set all the records

voidwizerd my point is to get better rather than worse knucklehead though ha tbh this is one of those lights i doubt thats really a possible thing

carnivalsorphans hahaha how bout we just try for not gettin worse tolight? wanna come over? for the sake a not bein alone

voidwizerd i .....yeah thanks

carnivalsorphans fuck knows i ain't gonna be good for bein alone tonight neither. .... but i don't really wanna worry wicked over me bein all whatever i am right now

voidwizerd "whatever" is a good word fr feelins tonight "whatever" with a side of "sad n violent"

carnivalsorphans yeah

voidwizerd apparently not a regular or good thing to feel .. is it bad fr me to be so relieved you get this way too

carnivalsorphans naw 's normal ta feel relieved that ya ain't alone in ya experiences

carnivalsorphans fuck, that's sorta why i hang around sugary and vel and wicked

voidwizerd oh huh i guess i like. well i didnt even know i was angry until well

carnivalsorphans until you was burnin

voidwizerd yeah

carnivalsorphans i think vel sorta gets like that

voidwizerd i guess i been mad a long time but

carnivalsorphans yeah

voidwizerd long as i ignored it things never happened

carnivalsorphans people tend ta forget angry is somethin they is allowed ta be

voidwizerd until that naggin suspicion got confirmed, that i was treated no better than shit on someones heel, n i just welp there goes th neighborhood

carnivalsorphans yeah

voidwizerd anger is its big

carnivalsorphans anger is born out of sorrow a lot sorrow at fuckin... lack at bein wronged

voidwizerd .....yeah

carnivalsorphans at missed opportunities and bein taken advantage of

voidwizerd at at knowin i did nothin to get hurt n did *everythin* to win approval thats just

carnivalsorphans yeah

voidwizerd seventeen goddamn years of waste right there

carnivalsorphans yeah sweeps of lack of what ya deserved

voidwizerd i didnt deserve that

carnivalsorphans yeah

voidwizerd *they* deserved my goddamn fists i wish id fought back

carnivalsorphans it's aight to be angry bout that shit. people always say it's aight to mourn, but sometimes mournin involves gettin fuckin pissed

voidwizerd i wish id listened to my instincts

carnivalsorphans you did what ya knew ta do and that's... somethin

carnivalsorphans may not always feel good

voidwizerd i loved em too much was th problem id let anythin slide cause they was my whole world

carnivalsorphans ain't nothin wrong with lovin maybe a bit wrong with bein blinded by it, but there ain't nothin to be done about that except learn from it

voidwizerd yeah took

carnivalsorphans and fuckin... bein tempered hurts, but it does make ya stronger

voidwizerd fuckin 21 years but i learned

carnivalsorphans .... cmere?

voidwizerd yeah

voidwizerd yeah ill be there

carnivalsorphans > Probably help to send coords. > And then time to snug a friend

voidwizerd > Friend will cry and rant a lot but appreciate much. > Mostly cry.

carnivalsorphans > Pet the friend. Kiss their head and wipe away tears sometimes and comfort and offer inappropriate jokes when tears seem to be letting up.

voidwizerd > Jokes get a smile and then even more crying because what the fuck is an appropriate response to people caring about them.

carnivalsorphans > More kisses because how do you deal with people crying Normally anyway?

voidwizerd > Kisses back a little because that seems to help and not kissing back was starting to feel Weird.

carnivalsorphans > Prr? Wipe away tears, focus more on wiz than your own shit.

voidwizerd > Pr... Still feeling terrible, and thinking about bad gunk, but at least not alone. And good to be with someone who kinda gets it. "We're sorta fucked up huh."

carnivalsorphans "Yeah. But we make it work."

voidwizerd "Fuck dude we sure do. By the skin of our fuckin teeth but we're doin it."

carnivalsorphans "I think we're doin better than some people."

voidwizerd "That's optimistic." > Weak laugh.

carnivalsorphans "Naw, we ain't still stuck in our old shit. I think that's better off. Some people never get that far."

voidwizerd "...That's true." > Snuggle up more after decaptchaing more blankets. Feeling more vulnerable to Ringleader's chilliness.

carnivalsorphans > Oh, good. A layer between you and the warmth. ... Give the bundled wiz a squish. "There's somethin to be said for bein proud of how far we've come, at least. Even if we ain't where we wanna be yet." > .... Where does he want to be though?

voidwizerd "Where we even tryin to get to, though?" > Squish is good. Quiet purr.

carnivalsorphans > A snort. "Ya know, I was thinkin the exact same thing." > Loud purring.

voidwizerd "Don't that just figure. Tolight we're real fulla questions that don't got proper answers, huh."

carnivalsorphans "I dunno that we gotta know where we're goin ta be glad we're not where we were."

voidwizerd > Now you snort. "That's some deep shit."

carnivalsorphans "That's me. Deep as fuck. ya know my real secret now.

voidwizerd "I'm honored!" > Quiet laugh. Moody staring at nothing for a while. "Think I'm done cryin now. Got that hollow sense settlin in nice an blegh.”

carnivalsorphans “Yeah, fuck that. I only appreciate that shit when i’m needin to think after bein pissed. And even then, it ain’t the same as true calm.”

voidwizerd "Mmh. Better than feelin I'm about to like... break into a million billion pieces. Like takin a sledgehammer to a window. Ha." > Blink slow. Slower. You're not moving so much.

carnivalsorphans > Squish. You ain't their rail, it's not your responsibility to make sure they're all... In tact. .... But still, you're a bit concerned. A tiny bit. "Anythin I can be doin ta help?"

voidwizerd "'unno. Feelin's gone for now." > Whoops, that there is a yawn. You rub your face, trying to stay awake. "What about you?"

carnivalsorphans "Feel.... Warm." Soft purring. "Probably about time ta pass out."

voidwizerd "Mmh." Sprawl out a bit. "Thanks for bein my comrade in shittiness."

carnivalsorphans "Misery demands company and all that. Plus i like hangin around you."

voidwizerd "Gay."

carnivalsorphans "Yeah." Forehead kiss.

voidwizerd > Mumble a barely comprehensible "suuuuper gay" before nodding off. > RL's a good friend.

carnivalsorphans > Pet Wiz a little longer before going to sleep yourself.

[everythingmustgo]

The signs things are so cool! I'm aries, leo and cancer!

okay firstly im sorry I took so long to answer this !!! they take a super long time to go into detail w lmao but I hope its okay!!! im going to assume the order is sun moon nd rising im sorry if thats wrong! but ur aries sun is gonna make u strong willed nd mayb hot headed, u throw urself head first into projects and if its a group project ur ALWAYS gonna wanna spearhead it. ur a good leader generally but dont always listen to others bc ur so strongly individual and arent always open to compromise. its ur way or nothing! others look up to u tho bc of ur boldness nd leadership skills, u have such great presence! like all fire signs aries r BOLD and highly captivating, strong personalities nd wear their heart on their sleeve. people have immediate opinions on fire signs, whether they are positive or negative nd they rarely change from this instinctive feeling. cant keep anything to themselves, have to confront things and people if they feel hurt by them. ur veeery confrontational u make ur feelings Known. can b angry. u hate feeling outspoken above all else ESP w ur leo moon u need to b listened to and appreciated!!! when it comes to ur inner self ur emotions tend to b dramatic and energetic, like aries u can tend to swerve towards the aggressive kind of expression. however the most important thing to remember is that leos r deeply insecure and their need for love and attention comes from an ingrained idea that if they are not treated to their high standards they are u undesirable. a leo moon will tell how theyre feeling rather than hide them but may get angry if u dont immediately know how to solve their problem. they can be rly dramatic which leads people to not take them seriously when smth is actually wrong, which is v upsetting. leo moons can SULK theyre broody fuckers!!! however u do feel things v deeply nd have no trouble expressing this. bc of ur aries sun its likely u wanna act on everything immediately nd waste no time waiting around!!! while a leo will sulk and allow themselves to wallow in self pity, an aries will try and solve their problems. however they often dont think it through and act on impulses, which can either be lucky or create more problems. a leo moon is incredibly giving when it comes to the emotions of others, they may not always know what to do but they have infinite love and loyalty to those they care about and will most likely try and help them but making them feel special. if they understand ur problem or hav experience w it u can connect so deeply w a leo moon. theyre such loyal caring people, like to seem fearless but theyre not nd theyll tell u that when they trust u enough. u tackle everything in ur life head on and while u have a need for constant change around u from ur aries, u also have a need for emotional stability from ur leo. ur at ur most content with a challenge, u dont have to finish it to feel satisfaction u just need to keep finding new things to do. its when u stay one way too long that u start to stagnate, u get angry and pissy and probably take it out on others. bc ur a cancer moon tho its likely that the way u express urself and the way ur seen by others is less firey than ur fire sun nd moon r. a rising in a water sign kinda puts out ya flames a bit. u probably show urself as emotionally volatile and hav a deep connection to ur inner self. cancers feel things v strongly and care v strongly for others! their affection is almost maternal in nature, they want to look after and protect u. almost all cancers have the inner conflict that is an ingrained sense of inadequacy and an instinct for self preservation. they rarely feel worthy, but will ALWAYS put themselves first. they can b very selfish, while cancers are super loving and caring, if its u or them theyll save themselves. people probably also get this sense from u bc ur an aries sun (strong leader, highly individual) and a leo moon (bold nd egocentric, often winds up making their problems everyone elses problems). ur closeness w the self and individuality r all commonalities in ur signs. HOWEVER another common factor is ur genuine love and care for others!!! this is esp prominent in ur moon nd rising, ur moon showing a generosity and loyalty to others in the realm of emotions (note that these are also ways u react to ur own emotions: u maybe like to treat urself, seek assurance from others and avoid blame to avoid pain) and ur cancer showing and instinctive need to protect others and make sure they feel loved and cared for. ur aries sun means that these may not feel as prominent in u as ur need to strive ahead w ur own life but emotionally, and expressively, ur love for others is strong, and ofc so is ur sense of self preservation which is equally important! its a good thing to look out for urself, as long as u look out for others too which u do! sorry if this ones a bit of a mess lmao i think i got off track a few times but i hope it made sense!

//no more til i finish the ones ive got plsss nd sorry for the delay!//