#and then a lot of artists tend to lighten their skin tone as if them having darker skin was a problem

[weird-gay-disaster]

I'd probably be more okay with being in LGBTQA+ places online if they weren't so predominantly white. And the only thing white people have ever done for me is annoy me.

[starrysharks]

(positive) thoughts on black madoka

-the contrast with homuras pale skin means they'd look really good as a pair, imagery like them holding hands and the such would look so nice

-as an artist that often has thoughts on making characters black solely through a color scheme angle, if anything I'd say make her darker so you can get more contrast with her bright light pink hair

-YOUR COLORS ARE SOOOO GOOD just so cute and bright and fun and candy like and harmonious

-lastly as a white person I'm wondering if you'd have any advice or if you have any pet peeves with darkerskined character designs, I choose my ocs skin tone solely based on the color scheme (and whenever i draw canon characters with darker skin i tend to do so based on their pallette and to get more variety in the cast) and sometimes I get worried I could accidentally be making 'poor representation' sense I'm not considering they're race at all. (like I don't even decide if they're black or like, Indian or some other race/ethnicity with darker complexions) and so many 'guide on drawing black characters' focus on more like, realistic stuff (like don't de-saturate the skin tone[what if the color scheme calls for it???]) and honestly most of them make me scared to draw black characters at all because i'm scared I'll do it wrong, i want to play around with stylizing fun hair styles but I don't because I'm worried I'm not 'allowed' to as a white person

-anyway have a good day your art is top tier, like i've spent time studying how you use shapes and colors to improve my own art level top tier (i also have aheavy focus on shapes in my art :3)

firstly, thank you for the compliments on my madoka design!! i did also draw her with contrast and pallete in mind. when it comes to my own designs, usually it's a mix of what aids the color pallete and representation, i guess - i want to make fun, diverse casts, so i make sure to put a lot of variety in character races and ethnicities. sometimes it's also because i think a black character would be awesome in a pre-existing trope that's usually only delegated to white characters - such as the cute and confident girl-next-door mallow, or the badass gunslinger lunette! that's also another reason why i wanted to draw mado black, as there is an obvious shortage of adorable "moe" black girls in general media, let alone anime.

when it comes to learning how to draw non-white people for white artists, i would say one thing - talk to the demographic you are drawing! many black artists are open to questions, and there's even a trend going on twitter where black artists are drawing curly and coily hairstyles in their own styles. feel free to experiment with stylisation, but i would really recommend both directly taking from real life references and talking to black people for advice and critique! and when it comes to different lighting, there's a world of guides and references to black skin in all styles from realistic to cartoony. also about desaturation to fit a piece's pallete - it's fine (for me), so long as it fits the rest of the piece's saturation levels. think of it as the 'rule of thumb' for lightening dark skin in pastel art - when everything including the skin is lightened, we can tell what the original tone of the skin is. of course i am just one black guy and am not the spokesperson, so please talk to other black artists (and other non-white artists) for advice if you feel you need to!

[baobhanlore-art]

*Across The Spiderverse Spoilers*

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I'm just gonna rant a bit about whitewashing Miguel O'hara and how people don't know the difference between race and ethnicity.

Disclaimer: I am not poc. I'm white passing (Jewish whiteness is complicated) and if you are poc then I'd love to hear your perspective. I'm just repeating the views and teachings of poc figures and their analyses of media and representation.

So there's been a lot of crackering towards Miggy. It's happened to most of the poc characters, don't get me wrong, but I feel like Miguel's has fallen under the radar for the most part. But Miguel is often drawn with very light skin even though the movie has portrayed him as having light brown tan-ish skin.

This is a screenshot from the train scene. As you can see he is still very much a light skinned person, not pale but a light skinned poc. And yet somehow people still make his skin way lighter than this. Practically the same colour as me and I'm Scottish and have ridiculously sensitive skin that makes me avoid harsh sunlight. Like it's not even that dark. And the train scene is bright as hell anyways, harsh sunlight and the white train exterior reflecting onto the characters, everyone's skin was lighter so I'd say his skin tone may even be a bit darker than this.

And often the excuse is that he's half Irish. But like, do you realise how terrible of a justification that is? Zendaya is half white. Barrack Obama is half white. Halle Bailey is half white. Are they perceived as white? No. Lukas Arnold is half black. Halsey is half black. Are they perceived as white? Yes. I'm not arguing Miguel doesn't have white heritage, but Miguel, at least in ATSV, is Latino passing. Just like I'm half Jewish and half British White but look more like my white mother, with the exception of my warm undertones and dark hair, meanwhile my Dad, Aunt, Grandad and Uncles are very explicitly Jewish/Middle Eastern passing. Nobody is arguing I don't have non white genes in me and according to eugenics I'll never technically be white, but I'm white passing. Similarly, Miguel has white genes in him and his Irish heritage could very well be part of his identity (I haven't read the comics so idk) but he's Mexican passing. He has Mexican phenotypes and you are erasing them by lightening his skin.

In short, if you want to know if a character or person is white or not, ask yourself how cops or airport security would profile them. That will give you your answer.

This is something Harriyanna Hook touches on in some of her videos, she's a queen, but I think the main reason why whitewashing Miguel isn't as openly critiqued as whitewashing other ethnicities, including light skinned ones, is that light skinned and white passing Latine people are overrepresented in Hollywood and the media to the point where people who aren't even Latine can be cast as Latine characters. Case in point: Ronni Hawk. It's incredibly rare to see anyone in mainstream Hollywood who doesn't pass the paper bag test unless they're a black man, which has its own history of fetishism and abuse (Watch F.D. Signifier, he talks about this in his colourism video.) Race and ethnicity are not the same thing but they influence how you're perceived.

(This is not me saying that they don't deserve to be represented, every culture deserves attention and representation, but dark skinned Hispanic and Afro-Latine people often get erased. Miles Morales is the exception, not the rule.)

So people don't tend to pick up on the erasure of Latine features and skin colours because it's so normalised.

I don't want to call out any artists in particular, that's not cool, but if you do see an artist who lightened the skin, I think it's important you let them know that it's an issue. They're more likely ignorant than intentionally harmful, but I feel like education around this issue is still very important.

Also idk if this is an ethnic thing but please stop giving him a K-popish soft boy face. This isn't an ethnic issue, it's an artist's having same face syndrome issue, but Miggy is hot enough without you erasing his sharp facial features. Istg if it weren't for his suit half of his fanart would be unrecognisable.

[floralovebot]

on flora's whitewashing: is it possible that flora has been whitewashed in the show/movies with her artwork (illustrations) being fairly consistent with her skin tone, even prior to the reboots/nick era? like in season 1 and the movies iirc

examples: s1e3, and the movies like secret of the lost kingdom? i remember thinking she looked lighter in several scenes of lost kingdom and in that episode of season 1

i wonder if this is something that happened with flora in s1, with it not being or less a problem in s2 and 3, with the movie having a similar skintone to the reboot pictures. i swear that this has happened but i dont really see any discussions on rainbow lighting her skin other than in newer media (where it is more prevalent and more obvious) so if you have any thoughts? maybe also slightly on the merchandise/doll side of things if youre interested?

Rainbow whitewashing characters like Flora and Aisha has absolutely been an issue for a very long time. Unfortunately, a lot of white fans don't notice unless it's more of an extreme example (like Flora being stark white or Aisha looking like Bloom).

In the first three seasons, it's really not seen as a big issue because it's genuinely innocent on their part. Those seasons were hand drawn so every now and then you get a scene where the skin is too light or too dark and doesn't actually make sense with the lighting. Usually, it's an innocent mistake due to multiple artists, not understanding lighting, and things just slipping past them because they're looking at these scenes for hours and they get used to it.

Here are some examples from the first four seasons where their skin is too light even with the lighting happening around them.

And for reference, this is what their normal skin tone is (and what they look like in most scenes).

Again, people don't usually talk about these because it (most likely) wasn't racist or malicious intent from Rainbow. They just didn't understand lighting ajdhglad This actually happens with all of the winx! Just go through some episodes and you'll notice that even the white characters get lightened in ways that don't make sense.

As for the movies, Flora was 100% whitewashed in the first movie.

Flora got the brunt of it in sotlk - she's whitewashed for the entire movie, while Aisha is only whitewashed in certain scenes. There are scenes where both of them look normal and aren't whitewashed so maybe some fans just didn't realize, but if you watch the movie, you'll notice that Flora is whitewashed completely and only looks right when they're in super dark places which,, yikes ahdgalhg

The dolls were also a problem! The whitewashing in the doll lines heavily depended on the manufacturer though so it's very hit or miss.

A lot of the early dolls are perfect or almost perfect but some of them are whitewashed like in these examples. It's the later dolls that have the most whitewashing though so they tend to get more criticism (plus the early dolls are no longer being made).

Most of the other early (s1-s3) merchandising (like the magazines, bags, stickers, etc) didn't whitewash either of them.

I'd say almost all of the promotional art for the first three seasons was consistent and didn't whitewash any of the characters. It's hard to believe now of course but Iginio was initially really excited to make winx diverse (like he intentionally changed Flora to latina instead of white to make it more diverse). Rainbow intentionally whitewashing them really started with the first movie and then snowballed into what we have now. Unfortunately, I think so many white fans are so used to the whitewashing, that they've started to no longer even notice it unless it's super extreme. Like with the recent s9 promo art, most people weren't noticing Flora at all (and not ignoring her, specifically not noticing), and in a lot of fanart, they do not notice unless they're literally white.

Whitewashing has been a big issue in winx for years but I think there are a lot of fans who look at the early seasons with so much love and nostalgia that they don't want to admit it, or they don't understand how lighting affects skin, or their favorite character isn't Flora or Aisha so they just never pay attention to them (blorbo hyperbeam is very real). I'd still say that a lot of the early whitewashing was due to innocent mistakes regarding lighting and manufacturing, but the first movie was extremely on purpose (and so is everything after that).

[skeletalglovedartist]

I created Onyx back in 2018 and Onyx’s design went through a lot of changes. 

Please note that even though I know that the gems are sexless and uses she/her pronouns, and even though Onyx is still sexless, he is still genderfluid and mainly uses he/him pronouns.

I’m planning on updating Onyx’s backstory at some point.

UPDATE (12/7/20): I finally fixed the original drawing that I did of Onyx by moving the gem placement.

Dec 17, 2019: Credit to https://www.deviantart.com/beedalee-art who created this amazing template! :) I decided to delete the one that I did about six months ago since the character bio didn’t seem complete. When I found this template I checked to see if the template was okay to use, and as long as I give the original artist credit, it was fine. I changed Onyx’s weapon to be a double axe instead of a sword. I’m thinking about changing the gem location as well.

I finally redrew my Steven Universe OC, Onyx and I ended up changing quite a few things about him. I lightened his skin tone, I changed his gem location, his eye color, his outfit, and his weapon (it is now a sword instead of a shuriken). I think that the only thing that didn’t change was his hair XD I originally imagined his voice sounding like Raven from Teen Titans who was voiced by Tara Strong, but now I imagine his voice sounding like Dante Basco who voiced Zuko in Avatar the Last Airbender. I’m going to keep the original drawings and bio of Onyx on DA.

Steven Universe belongs to the original creators, I just own the oc.

Onyx

Nickname(s): Nyx (Nix)

Species: Gem

Weapon: Double Axe

Sex: Sexless

Gender Pronouns: Onyx is male most of the time, but occasionally has "very female days”.

Accessories: N/A

Hair: Black

Eyes: Black

Gemstone: Onyx

Gemtype: Onyx

Status: Active

Friends: The Crystal Gems, Greg Universe, Connie Maheswaran, Sadie Miller and Lars Barriga

Voice Actor: Dante Basco

Hobbies: He enjoys going on adventures and exploring different worlds, drawing, listening to music, skateboarding, going to the beach, hanging out with his friends, and learning more about earth from Steven.

Personality: Onyx tends to be a bit emotionless, but doesn’t keep to himself that much. He is a very loyal friend and has a grateful spirit which is shown when he thanked Steven profoundly for giving him his first sketchbook. He is pretty optimistic, but he can also be pessimistic at times such as when something goes wrong in missions. He is very devoted to the people that he cares about to the point that he was willing to fuse with Jasper in exchange for his friends’ safety, but was saved by Garnet before they could fuse. He can’t thank his new friends and family enough for loving him and being there for him.

History: On Homeworld, Onyx was considered to be a Defective Gem and was casted out due to being able to change gender. He managed to escape from Homeworld on a stolen ship and somehow ended up on Earth. He was found fighting off a couple of Cluster Gems by the Crystal Gems who aided him in the battle and unfortunately he was "poofed" after he suffered a fatal injury. They took him back to the beach house where he would regenerated a few days later. He was very introverted and hesitant at first to why they were being so caring and kind towards him until Steven told him how they came to be as a family and told Onyx that they could be his new family if he wanted. After that, Onyx slowly, but surely started to open up to them to the point that he told them that he is gender fluid. He and Garnet share a mother and son relationship, and Steven being like a cool younger brother to him. Onyx is very close friends with Sadie and Lars that they took him shopping after he came out as gender fluid to them. He fights alongside the Crystal Gems and plays a mean bass in his free time.

Original design: https://www.deviantart.com/darkshadow1998/art/Onyx-744171517

***This is also posted on my DeviantArt***

[traincat]

Hey I was wondering, how do you feel about the whitewashing of characters like Stanley Osborn or Janice Lincoln, characters who aren't as prevalent in the comics but still tend to be whitewashed so brutally, sometimes to the excuse that they're mixed (although we don't know what Janice's mom looks like, biologically kids of people with albinism tend to have more usual skin tones relating to their race)

Yeah, it’s just bad, in a word. I know I’ve talked a lot about Marvel’s tendency to remove character traits that mark Jewish characters as obviously Jewish -- from Kitty’s curly hair and Magen David necklace, both no longer things the character is commonly depicted with, to the lack of acknowledgment with Bobby Drake that the character is half-Jewish in anything modern, because I’m Jewish and that’s my area, but this is a really huge problem at Marvel. I think there’s a whole handful of problems to address that ties into Marvel’s whitewashing of their characters, from minor characters like Stanley Osborn, to more prevalent but not mainstream characters like Janice Lincoln, and even extremely popular characters like Storm. There was, for example, the recent case with the Marauders book where characters like Storm and Gateway were depicted with very light skin, where this got all the way to publication without anyone correcting this -- and then the comic received well-deserved backlash when those issues hit the stand, only after several instances of which was there any visible attempt to fix the issue. And in cases involving characters like Storm, I think it’s very easy to say that individual colorists should know better. But then there have been interviews with colorists in the past who have talked about how editors at Marvel have asked them to lighten characters’ skin tones, so there’s evidence to suggest that in at least several cases that this is deliberate instead of an extremely ignorant oversight. So I think one of the questions has to be, where does the responsibility for this lay within the chain of command at Marvel? A chain of command where at the very top there is a white editor in chief who has in his career pretended to be an Asian man for his own gain? 

With Stanley Osborn in particular, I do wonder whether the people drawing and coloring Stanley Osborn know anything about him. I think with Stanley there’s probably in several instances just a thought process going on with the artist and colorist like, this is Harry’s baby and Harry’s depicted with a very pale skin tone so we’ll color the baby the same as him. Like, especially with very young child characters, I think there’s a tendency among creators, both writers and artists, to think of that character as an accessory to the parent and not as an individual character -- which is a problem in and of itself, although not the problem we’re addressing right now. I think this is something that in an ideal world would be addressed by editorial -- a mandate that says to Spider-Man artists that Stanley Osborn is biracial. But like we’ve addressed above, when you have editorial staff that have asked colorists to lighten the skin of black and brown characters, how do you trust them to relay that information reliably? You can’t, in all good faith. And even with Harry himself -- there’s a fairly common reading of the character among fans as mixed race, Jewish, or both, due in part although not solely to the hair texture he’s always been drawn with in 616. This is complicated by recent series like Spider-Gwen, where young Harry, whose classmates labeled him the “Green Goblin” because of his family’s money (a pretty clear anti-semitic remark), was drawn with bushy, curly hair and darker skin while 616 avoids the issue entirely. JRjr in early ‘00s was drawing Harry’s first child, Normie, with Z-type curls, while current depictions of the character have reverted to wavy light brown hair and more Caucasian features. I’ve likened Marvel’s editorial, particularly in regards to Spider-Man, as like a tank of dead fish before but I think that’s actually inaccurate. A tank of dead goldfish bears no responsibility. Marvel’s Spider-Man editorial can do things like tell fairly popular writers that Peter Parker isn’t allowed to swear in comics but then let whitewashed depictions of Stanley Osborn and Janice Lincoln slide. So it’s not a matter of not caring at all so much as what they care about, and it’s very disappointing that they clearly don’t care about this. 

[strawberrysunrisewitches]

Layla Profile

template made by @hogwartsmysterystory

IDENTITY

Name:Layla Ida Caplan-Shields

Gender:Female

Birth Date: 29 February 2001

Species: Human

Blood Status: Half-Blood

Sexuality: Lesbian

Alignment: Chaotic Good

Ethnicity: Spanish-American

Nationality: English

Residence: North Yorkshire, England

THE MAGE

Wand: Alder 12″ Ukrainian Ironbelly horn 

Animagus: Jackal Buzzard with snowflake patterns on the wings

Misc Magical Abilities: N/A

Boggart Form: The spirits plaguing Reyna leading to her death

Riddikulus Form: She and her sisters covered in paint, laughing

Amortentia: (What do they smell like?) chocolate, licorice tea, paint, chillies

Amortentia: (What do they smell?) Lavender, Lemon tea, strong cologne, BBQ smoke, pillows

Patronus: Ukrainian Ironbelly

Patronus Memory: The first time Reyna asks her for help

Mirror of Erised: Her entire family including her grandparents the good ones alive and happy

Specialized/Favourite Spells:

Colovaria

Protego

Skurge (Initially cause she thought it’d keep the spirits away from Reyna) 

Episkey

Tempest Jinx

Diffindo

APPEARANCE

Faceclaim: Dalinah Arekion

Height: 4′10(year 1), 5′11(Year 7)

Weight: 160 lbs

Physique: BUFF AF

Eye Colour: Blue

Hair Colour: Very dark brown

Skin Tone: Slightly dark tan

Body Modifications:

She gets an industrial piercings in both ears, SHe has many tattoos

She has a tattoo of roses covering her calves going up to just above her knee

On her right shoulder blade she has a tattoo of a blue, pink and orange butterfly

On her right arm she has tattoos of black and red roses going down the entirety length of her arm 

On her lower back she has a tattoo of a night sky over a forest enchanted to have falling stars, 

On her chest she has a tattoo of a monarch butterfly resting on a flaming heart

On her left hand she has a tattoo of a starry pink rose

On her upper left arm she has tattoos of different kind of flowers

On her left forearm she has a black tattoo of a rose bush with birds

On the nape of her neck she has a tattoo of a licorice allsort 

Scarring: Two very large circular scars on her stomach from when an acromantula bit her

Inventory: (what do they carry on them?) big blanket, paint brushes and paint, many shrunken canvases, stetson, wallet, wand, glasses case

Fashion: She tends to wear ripped jeans, overalls and not very special shirts so she doesn’t have to worry about getting paint on clothing that she actually cares about which tends to be jackets and non ripped jeans but nonetheless she always has her stetson on her head

ALLEGIANCES

Hogwarts House: Hufflepuff

Ilvermorny House: Thunderbird

Affiliations/Organizations:

Hufflepuff House

Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry

Prefects

Head Girl

Lord Family

Professions: Magical Tattoo Artist

HOGWARTS INFORMATION

Class Proficiencies:

Astronomy: P

Charms: O

DADA: O

Flying: E

Herbology: E

History of Magic: P

Potions: E

Transfiguration: A

Electives:

Art: O

Muggle Art: O

CoMC: E

Quidditch: Beater

Extra Curricular:

Dueling Club

Magical Creatures Club

Favourite Professors: Filius Flitwick

Layla likes how nice and approachable Flitwick is to all of his students

Least Favourite Professors: Professor Sinistra

Layla dislikes Professor SInistra due to the fact that Astronomy requires them to stay up past midnight when its cold and Layla hates the cold due to its effect on her 

RELATIONSHIPS

Sisters: Reyna Andrea and Amara Jade Caplan-Shields

Reyna Andrea Caplan-Shields(Rara) @cursed-ice-spirits​

Halfblood

Hufflepuff

Four years older

Brown hair, tan skin,  hazel eyes

Layla looks up to Reyna but always try to do things without having to ask her as she does not want to put more problems onto everything Reyna already has to deal with in her life and does anything she can to lighten the load even more..

Amara Jade Caplan-Shields(MarMar)

Halfblood

Hufflepuff

Two years older

Dark Brown hair, tan skin, and hazel eyes

Layla is also protective of Amara and after Year 1 makes sure she is always warm and keeps a close eye on her so she doesnt try swim in freezing water again. Layla will sometimes ask Amara for advice if anything is bothering her. Layla also tries her best to help Amara with her fear of Thestrals even if she herself can’t see thestrals.

Mother 1:Lauren Karina Caplan-Shields(Mama)

Half-Blood

Gryffindor

Brown hair, dark tan skin, and hazel eyes

Lauren taught Layla to always be brave and protect her loved ones with as much as power and fury that she can muster to make sure anyone who tries to go against her knows to never do so again. Lauren also instilled in Layla to be very kind to all she meets.

Mother 2: Rebecca Vivian Caplan-Shields(Mumma) @cursed-ice-spirits​

Pureblood

Hufflepuff

Black hair, light tan skin, and hazel eyes

Rebecca is the one who ignited Layla’s love for everything and anything related to art and is the one Layla will come to if she needs ideas for things to draw or paint which generally ends up being her family. After Reyna collapsed from exhaustion in Layla’s first year she also regularly bugged Rebecca for advice to help Reyna with her spirits and such

Father: Diego Caplan-Shields(Papa)

Halfblood

Hufflepuff

Brown hair, tan skin, and dark hazel eyes

Diego taught Layla everything she knows about dueling and fashion, he tried to teach her how to flirt but failed utterly in doing so and instead somehow managed to make it so she can’t flirt at all. Out of all of her parents, Layla is the closest to Diego and therefore her is the first one he will go to for any problems 

Love Interest: Hannah Firahel

Best Friends: TBD

Rival: TBD

Enemy: TBD

Dormmates: (Who’s in your MC’s dorm with them?)

Rebecca Firahel

Pets:

Riya: A european robin that followed Layla to Hogwarts from home

Vanilla: a maine coon-ragdoll cat that she adopted from the streets in her sixth year

Closest Canon Friends: TBD

Closest MC Friends:

Alaire Whitecross @hogwartsmysterystory​

Alissa Firahel

Amaranth Winger @thecursedvaultchild​

Grace Winger @thecursedvaultchild​

Hannah FIrahel

Rebecca Firahel

Rhett Winger @thecursedvaultchild​

Roxanna Firahel

Selene Firahel

BACKGROUND/HISTORY

Layla’s life before Hogwarts was largely uneventful besides the two separate times where her elder sisters saw someone die which resulted in Amara becoming scared of thestrals.

Layla’s first year at Hogwarts was quite chaotic when Amara almost died from Hypothermia rescuing her friend Penelope and Reyna collapsing from the demon plaguing her which worried her a lot and increased her want to protect her sisters very much

It is in her fourth year that she begins dating Hannah Firahel and starts Quidditch to take her mind off having to worry about her sisters for once in her life.

In her fifth year, Layla is chosen to be Hufflepuff Prefect as well as Hufflepuff quidditch captain

In her sixth year she and Hannah explored the forbidden forest where they were attacked by an acromantula which managed to wound her quite badly when she jumped in front of it when it tried to attack Hannah right before Layla blew it up with bombarda and she managed to reach the hospital wing before collapsing in Hannah’s arms

In her seventh year is when Layla gets her first couple of tattoos, she also is chosen to be Head Girl

After Hogwarts Layla opens her own magical tattoo shop in Diagon Alley where she offers normal tattoos and tattoos that she can magically animate. Four years after she graduates, she and Hannah get married with them having twin daughters, Aliyah and Eliana, 4 years after that. Once Rebecca retires from being the head of the Lord family, Layla takes up the position.

PERSONALITY

Layla is the stereotypical hufflepuff, very loyal and compassionate while also being very brave and protective of everyone she knows even her older sisters who suck at caring for themselves which causes her to worry about them constantly especially when they get hurt and she can’t help. She also is always willing to throw hands at anyone who badmouth her friends and family no matter who badmouthed them and she will never apologize for doing so even if she will get punished if she doesn’t  

As a prefect, Layla makes sure her friends don’t get into too much trouble but also knows when to lay off and have let them have fun especially when it comes to pranking Filch or Pince  

She also has no idea how to flirt at all and is a complete disaster when she tries but by god if flirted with she can go stone faced through it all and just brush it off even if she does have a crush on said person flirting with her

MISC

Likes doing morning runs much like Rebecca

Can get cold easily, although not to the extent of her sister Amara but worse than Reyna

her calf tattoo looks like this, her shoulder blade tattoo looks like this, her right arm tattoo looks like this, her lower back tattoo looks like this, her chest tattoo looks like this, her left hand tattoo looks like this, her upper left arm tattoo looks like this, her left forearm tattoo looks like this, her nape tattoo looks like this

Lolo is a nickname reserved solely for family and family friends, anyone else will get a strong elbow in the gut after the first time she says stop

She knows how to play the harp and lyre 

Her first name means Night in arabic and her middle name means work/labour

Really wishes she could fight the spirits that plague Reyna

She has a hebridian black plush that she sleeps with

[kuro-von-shitsuji]

My Process

Not too long ago someone requested a colouring tutorial from me. Honestly I have no actual knowledge of colour theory and the techniques I use are far from being the only correct way to colour. In fact actual artists will probably cringe at this post. BUT I like doing it and have found a way that works with my limited skills so this is the process I use. This isn’t meant as a complete tutorial but rather just some of the steps I keep in mind while colouring.

To start with, I use an old ass graphics tablet with practically no pen pressure and the desktop version of Medibang Paint Pro, which as far as free art tools go is pretty damn good. You’ll also need access to good quality scans of the panels you’re colouring. I recommend getting the newer chapters on Kobo because you can zoom in on each panel without losing too much clarity, unlike iBooks. I’m not sure about the other sites, but Kobo I can vouch for. 

Now first and most importantly you need to separate your line art from the background. There are two approaches to this. Some artists redraw the line art from scratch, which (if you can do it) gives their work a crisp, professional touch. I can’t do this and don’t have the time nor patience to learn how so I use this method:

menu --> select --> create selection from layer/brightness

This will automatically separate the line art. All you need to do is choose whichever colour you want your line art in (I start with black) and paste it in a new layer.

Add a white layer in between the two and you’re good to go! Afterwards you should be able to draw under the line art layer like this:

This might be obvious to some of you but it literally took me years to figure out. The downside here is that you have to play with Toboso’s screen tones and her occasional mistake. You also have to contend with whatever she left out to make it look good in black and white, like Mey-Rin’s eye in the example colouring. Whichever method you pick is totally up to you.  

Next we have to apply base colour. There’s no trick to this, just pick colours as they look right. Generally I like using desaturated colours but experiment and find what works best for you. Don’t use straight black or white because you won’t be able to shade/highlight over them. Also, make sure to put all the colours on different layers, it will make shading easier.

I also recommend naming your layers, but I never actually do it. I just wing it and curse myself later. This particular colouring had close to two hundred layers and I realised upon uploading that I hadn’t shaded Ran-Mao’s eye so I had to sift through those two hundred unnamed layers to find the base colour. Don’t be me. Learn from my mistakes.

At some point you’re either going to find yourself squinting at the lighter tones trying to differentiate them from the white background or you’re going to find lots of gaps in your colours later on. Or at least, I always do. To avoid this switch up the background colour as you apply your bases. I usually use a mixture of red, blue and white depending on what contrasts clearer with the colour I’m using. For example: below on a white background I thought I’d finished Sebastian’s skin. This is how it looked when I switched to blue. If you do this sooner rather than later it will save you time in the long run.

After base colours are applied it should look something like this. For some edits this might be the look you’re going for, especially if the panel is more comical than this one. Personally, I prefer to add my details in the shading, which is in the next step.

Shading is the part of the process that makes the least sense for me on paper because I just follow my heart and bam it’s done, but I tried to think through my process this time. I tend add shadow close to the line art and apply highlighter liberally to open areas. I also find I’ll add multiple shadow layers to a base colour for more depth. Say if I had three shadow layers on a skin tone it would start with block shadow, then finer detail, then the tiny details. All of these have different opacities. Again there might be a more efficient method but on the layer front I say go hard or go home.

I do all shading and highlighting on layers clipped to the base colour. For shading I set the layer to ‘Multiply’ and for highlights I set it to ‘Add’ and play with the opacity for both. This is a method I like to call cheating, but it gets results. Remember: highlights are just as important as shadow. It makes the whole image that bit more dynamic.

I do most of this step with the wet watercolour brush. In this colouring the brush was set to 9% opacity the whole time, but I often mix it up. I’ll sometimes switch to texture brushes for hair and very occasionally for fabric, but often the watercolour brush is enough.

I pick my colours for this step purely based on what my base colours are doing. Because this particular colouring had a lot of people in it (and therefore a lot of details) I stuck to shading with pink and highlighting with yellow, but if a colouring has less detail I’ll often vary the colours to match closer to the base colour. Try to avoid shading with black-- it’s not wrong but it does create a washed out look. Also try to avoid overuse of gradients. I use very faint gradients in each character’s hair and often in backgrounds, but they don’t give you much control over a light source, nor the freedom to shade wherever you like as freehand allows. But again, that’s personal preference. 

Once shading and highlighting is done mine looks like this:

 As with the base colour, at this stage you could call it finished. However, I am a perfectionist and like to colour the line art. Well, like is a strong word. This is my least favourite part of the process. Colouring the line art feels like someone has forced you to draw while wearing thumbscrews because it exposes every error imaginable, but for that same reason it’s worthy doing. I try to use very dark colours when colouring over regions with heavy screen tone because it’s amazing how much it’s going to lighten your colours. I pick the colours for this step by eye dropping the darkest shadows and then darkening it further. In the end it’ll look like this:

Finally we just need a background. To do this properly you need to strip down and dance naked under the full moon in a shallow spring made from the tears of nymphs. Make an offering to the spirit of the waters, and eat some of the nourishing moss she presents you. You will know you the colour to use. Alternatively just pick a pastel and slap some stars on it like I usually do. In this colouring I spent like half an hour flicking though shades of orange before settling on a gradient. You can skip this process by knowing which colour you want to use in advance. Or if you’re really flexing you can actually draw a background. If you can do this you are already far more powerful than I. You can also just skip the background altogether, but again I’m a perfectionist. 

This is my final result!

Ultimately though, there is no right or wrong way to go about any of these steps. There are some amazing artists out there who I’m sure have processes completely unlike mine. Don’t take every word of this to heart: these are just the things I’m mindful of when I’m colouring.

Most importantly: do what looks best to you, and create something you’re proud of!

[ooak-tree-dolls]

What materials do I use? What to avoid? And some basic rules.

In this post I will show you which materials I use, which are good for dolls & which you should avoid (and why). There will also be some basic rules about how to use each medium. If you want to check on how to cut costs on basic materials and what to get to start your first repaint – check my previous post here. OK, so let’s get started…

SEALANTS

Sealants are a must! You need a layer of something “toothy” over vinyl (or plastic or resin) for your watercolor pencils and pastel dust to stick to. Sealants used as last layer also make your work waterproof & permanent.

Basic rules of working with sealant

ALWAYS and I mean it – always – use vapor mask! Even when working with an airbrush. Other options? You’ll die. Or get cancer. Or asthma. Just wear the goddamn’ mask! You need a good vapor mask with disposable filters, that are meant for lacquer and chemical vapors. Mine uses A1P2 filter type. Most popular and good brand? 3M. Those cheap paper masks that make you look like a Dr. house? It’s shit. It doesn’t even protect you from a flu. Buy a good mask.  You either spend like $15 on a mask… or $5000 on a coffin – the choice is yours. Just be warned.

you need at least 2-3 layers of sealant as a base before you even start to work with your doll. Just think about it as creating a paper from scratch – you need some thickness to it or you’ll just punch a hole in the layer with your sharp pencils. If you start with basic shading – 2 layers is enough. If you start with drawing some basic lines & shapes – I would recommend 3 layers.

 each sealant layer needs time to dry – usually it is 15-30 minutes per layer. What means you spray the doll – you leave it to dry – you spray the doll – you leave it to dry. There is no safe way to make it faster and working. Sealant compounds must dry and cure properly. Heating it will cause the sealant to get sticky and gooey – you don’t want that. Some things just need time – this is one of those.

always spray in a ventilated area: either it will be a garage, a basement, your kitchen with kitchen vent/ hood working, or even a room you don’t sleep in, that have more than one window and great air flow. Spray residue can harm your lungs. Why? Not because it’s radioactive shit that will make you glow in the dark… geez. Because tiny sealant particles can get to your lungs, stay there, harden, and lesser your lung capacity. It can give you headache and asthma in best case scenario, or evolve into cancer in the worst scenario. Therefore you always spray in a ventilated area and wear a mask.

spray with good weather. Heat and high humidity can affect how sealant layers dry and cure over time. If it’s too hot – sealant won’t cure. Too cold – it cannot evaporate. Too humid – it cannot dry. It seems like a lot, but besides extreme weather, you can spray almost any day. If it’s not super hot, no snow blizzards or heavy rains – you’re good to go. Or you can always spray indoors 🙂

spray from at least one feet /30-40cm distance, in short series. You rather want to dust your doll in a delicate sealant cloud, than pour it in a heavy rain of sealant. Thin layers. Proper distance. And you’ll be good.

give your can a good shake. Best way is to warm the can in your hands for several minutes and then vigorously shake up and down for 1-2 minutes. The better you shake your sealant – the thinner and smoother layer you’ll get. Shaking helps all ingredients to mix well, warm up, and makes pressure inside can higher. If you learn all the basics of how to properly use sealant – you can be sure no matter what brand you’ll choose – it will always give you great results.

Sealant brands  – pros and cons of each

MSC

Most popular among doll artists is MSC aka Mr. Super Clear, but it is also really expensive, sold in tiny cans and really hard to get in some areas. Why it’s so pricey? Because it’s good. Obviously. But also because it is produced and imported from Japan – a small country, located on several bigger and smaller islands – so shipping anything from there costs tons of money!

MSC pros: – creates good tooth to surface – usually 2 layers are enough as a base – widely known & tested – waterproof MSC cons: – pricey! – hard to find in some areas – sold in small cans – very vulnerable to air humidity and temperature – tends to lighten surface – new Matt version tends to crack over time

            See the problem? If you want your doll’s head to perfectly match the body – you must either spray both with MSC or constantly checking shade of the head and blush it with pastels.

  CITADEL Munitorum Varnish aka Purity Seal It’s basically MSC in bigger can 😀  Made in UK. Widely popular among miniature artists and board game players. If you have a nerd friend playing miniature games – he’ll know how to help you get this one! My sealant of choice ❤ Munitorum Varnish pros: – big can! – fair price – creates good tooth – less vulnerable to weather conditions – waterproof – a bit elastic – won’t crack Munitorum Varnish cons: – mostly available in boardgame stores or online – must be sprayed from a proper distance, or it will tend to cure into a satin finish – usually needs 3 layers as a base for watercolor pencils Most of my repaints were made with Munitorum Varnish spray 🙂  Army Painter and Vallejo Spray Matte Sealant

Those are meant to be used with wargame miniatures. They are less popular than other brands. They both give a nice surface to work with watercolor pencils, but colors on them aren’t as bold as with MSC or CITADEL. The biggest con I have with these two is the packaging – both Army Painter;s and Vallejo’s Sealant cans ended up with broken nozzle just after few uses. I have no idea what causes it – but the nozzle tends to crack or getting clogged easily. You can buy spare ones, but I just let them go for other, easier to use for me, media. Tamiya C matte sealant

It’s also Japanese sealant, same as MSC. Sold in tiny cans [is everything in Japan tiny? Why? ] and meant to be used with wargame minis. I used only one can of it, because of it’s horrible smell. Even tho it gave me a good surface to work with, and can was easy to operate – I felt the smell even in my pro mask with filters.  And even after 4 hours with wide opened windows in my apartment. If you have a basement or a garage – you can probably use it with more success.

  Hint for drying a doll in humid climate!

For those who are afraid of air humidity in their region, or have a sneaky furry friend as a part of their family  – there is a trick to help you save your dolls and let them dry safely! It’s a drying chamber / dry box. Basically a plastic box, filled with silica gel packets [those do-not-eat baggies you can find in new pair of shoes or newly bought bag] and some tiny holes poked in a lid. You can put the doll there and leave it to fully dry in most clean and dry conditions you can get at home. Also – without any fluff particles, fur or dust bunnies that could be stuck to a wet sealant layer.

PAINTS

When it comes to paints I always recommend miniature painting brands. Why? Because they are meant to be used with tiny surfaces! Miniature paints have the smallest pigment particles you can get – it helps you get smoother layers and better coverage than any art grade paint.  These paints are also a bit elastic after fully dry so they won’t chip off easily, even from squishy vinyl heads. They’ve meant to be used with resin wargame and boardgame miniatures – tiny objects that are often used, moved around and thrown to a box without air pillows. They can really withstand a lot more than your usual acrylics. The only con I can find is that they need a lot more practice than pencils to achieve same results. You need to learn how to control your paint thickness and train a steady hand to achieve clean lines and smooth layers.

ALWAYS thin your paints before use! Either with water or paint thinner. – you need it to get smooth layers without gritty or lumpy texture and to avoid future chipping. Paints are not meant to give full coverage in one layer, so don’t try to achieve that. As with any other medium on a tiny surface – work with thin layers, patiently building up color and coverage.

What people usually are afraid of is that paints are sold in small bottles so they won’t last long.  But it’s not true! Thanks to great coverage and small scale we work with you really don’t need much at a time. You also usually use paint thinned down with water or dedicated thinner in 50/50 ratio.

  Paint brands  – pros and cons of each

CITADEL [ sometimes called Games Workshop]

It’s a brand of paints that was created for Warhammer miniatures. It’s probably the most popular brand in the miniature artists world. CITADEL pros: – variety of colors – different lines for different special effects, eg. drybrushing, layering etc. – easy to find both in stores and online – good coverage CITADEL cons: – poor package – it  makes paints dry out faster – thick – it needs acrylic thinner to work properly – you can feel overwhelmed with how many lines they have for different things [mostly unnecessary ones, like Dry line for example]

Vallejo

It’s a Spanish brand, very popular among pro painters.  My personal choice ❤ I love all their series, they have clear descriptions, lots of additional mediums, and what’s great – they last forever! Vallejo pros: – great package! It’s almost impossible for these to dry out or spill, or use too much of it – variety of colors – from vibrant Game Color series, Metallic mediums in all colors to Model Color in more toned down shades – lots of different mediums: metallizers, thinners, shading media etc. – great quality and coverage Vallejo cons: – they are a bit harder to find outside EU, most often  available online – outside of EU they can cost a bit more than Citadel

Army Painter This is typically a wargame miniature designed brand. Their colors are more earthy and calm, more toned down – meant to be used for skin tones and army uniforms. If you’re looking something super vibrant – that’s not your type. They have similar packages to Vallejo –a tiny bottle with dropper.

  Tamiya Japanese brand of paints. Sold in tiny jars. I must say I don’t like these packages neither working with a bit jelly consistency of these paints. Big pros of these is their long tradition on market – probably any miniature model store will have Tamiya paints – from wargame stores to these for car or train lovers. If you want to try these – you aim for Tamiya C series – acrylic based paints. P3 and Pactra Similar to Army Painter – these are more into natural shades. I worked with them shortly, because they’re less available where I live. Their coverage isn’t as good as other brands. Still – they give great smooth layers when dry.

        What else do I need to start with paints?

paintbrushes – duuuh! 😉 I recommend getting tiny paintbrushes, often referred to as miniature brushes, in sizes of 1,2, 0, 00, and 000.  Preferably sable bristles or nylon. Nylon brushes are cheaper but last shorter. Sable ones are pricey but properly cleaned will last for years.

paint thinner – I use Vallejo Airbrush Thinner. Thinner changes surface tension of the paint, which allows you to dilute paint without losing as much coverage as it is when diluting with water. Diluted paint gives you a smoother layer and thinner, sharper lines – eg. when you want to paint eyelashes.

brush cleaner – I use 2in1 hair shampoo with conditioner because it cleans brushes without damaging sable bristles. Remember to always use lukewarm water for your brushes, never too hot! Hot water will damage your paintbrushes and make paint harden around bristles.

  WATERCOLOR PENCILS

You can only use watercolor pencils – normal colored pencils are your worst enemy! Why? Usually colored pencil core is a mix of pigments, mineral oils and binder – they are meant to be used on paper and sip into it thanks to addition of mineral oils. Sadly that’s the main villain – mineral oil, or basically any other oil, will  destroy sealant layers. It will make layers sticky and fragile. It will prevent sealant from curing and your work won’t be permanent or waterproof.

On the other hand – watercolor pencils are made from tightly compressed, clean, water-soluble pigments. Nothing more. Just pigments that can be dissolved by using water. They are dry, and allow sealant to cure properly. They will also give you clean, sharp lines.

Please remember, that if you want colors to stand out – you will work with layers over layers over layers. First layer won’t be super-saturated in color, since there isn’t too much pigment yet. You need to seal your work several times and re-draw any details you want to be more saturated. But thanks to working with pencils – it’s an easy and fast process – just remember to always leave sealant layer for recommended time to dry 🙂

Do I need to wet my pencils?

– no, you don’t. But you can. If you want sharp lines, tiny details and great control over the final result – use your pencils dry. If you’ll need a bigger surface to be covered in one color, or maybe a smooth transition between colors – use dry pencils on the doll, and then damp brush to smooth em’ out.

Never ever dip pencil core in water cup! It will make the core soft, mushy and fragile. And you won’t be able to properly sharpen it for days, before all the moisture evaporates.

  Watercolor Pencil brands  – pros and cons of each

What brands I recommend? What I use? – I worked with Derwent Watercolor, Derwent Inktense, Kooh-i-Noor Mondeluz and Faber Castel. Derwent Watercolor It’s most recommended brand. Easily available online and in stores worldwide. Derwent offers soft core with great saturation. It is also easy to sharpen. Derwent Watercolor pros: – widely available – great quality – great saturation – lots of colors to choose from – can be bought per piece and in sets – easy to sharpen

  Derwent Watercolor cons: – fragile core – they sometimes tend to break on the tip if sharpened too much – high price – colors on outer shell are often different than what you get when drawing – make sure to have your own swatches on paper!

  Derwent Inktense

Those are basically Chinese inks in form of a pencil. They are meant to be used on silk and cotton fabrics wet and are waterproof when dry. They have great color saturation but give slightly translucent layers.  White is their weakest point – you’ll prefer to get it from other brand.

Derwent Inktense pros: – vivid colors – easy to sharpen – can be bought by piece – widely available – tougher core

Derwent Inktense cons: – white gives almost no coverage – any lighter color will be semi translucent – pricey – sadly the outer shell does not match inner core colors as well

  Kooh-i-Noor Mondeluz This is a Czech brand with great tradition [they were funded in 1790] and are probably the cheapest watercolor pencils you can get with one of the best quality  pigments. They offer big palette of colors in very reasonable prices.

    Kooh-i-Noor Mondeluz pros: – they are cheap – lots of colors to choose from – very good saturation – give smooth layers – white offers great coverage – outside shell exactly match core color you’ll get

Kooh-i-Noor Mondeluz cons: – outside of EU mostly available online – they can only be bought in sets – from 12 to 72 colors – they are a bit harder to sharpen – you’ll need new, good quality sharpener because of their smooth inner core

  Faber-Castel Albrecht Durer Watercolor pencils

Those are thicker than any other pencils you’ll find. They are easy to grip and offer bold colors. And they cost a ton of gold!

Faber-Castel Albrecht Durer pros: – thick, easy to grip pencils – bold colors – easy to dissolve with water if you want smooth color transitions – can be used with a paintbrush instead of paint

Faber-Castel Albrecht Durer cons: – thick core won’t give you  tiniest details – very soft – hard to sharpen – very pricey – hard to find – available only in sets – lesser choice of colors – dry and wet color will look totally different

Best thing about making repaint with watercolor pencils is that you don’t need nothing more to start – no paintbrushes, thinners, cups with water etc. Just the pencils and a sharpener and you’re ready to go! It’s also the most popular artistic medium – we all had pencils as kids, so we all know how to handle them. There is less space for an error than with paints.

  Soft Pastels

– soft pastels, or something else?

Pastels are used for blushing and shading. With bigger than 1:6 dolls or for more advanced artists  – pastels are often skipped for an airbrush, but they give this soft, natural look that cannot be achieved by anything else. Think of them like a girl’s make up 😉

As any other medium pastels need a basic layer of sealant to grip to. You can use them with normal paintbrushes, Q-tips, cotton swabs or new, unused makeup brushes. I prefer the last option because makeup brushes offer softer bristles than other brushes – that will result in a smooth shading.

You can use the cheapest brushes you’ll find in your local beauty store – they don’t need to be clinically tested or gentle for skin – you’ll use them for dolls only! Why you need a new set of makeup brushes instead of using your old ones? Because human skin is oily. Always. Any type of human skin will be covered in natural sebum, that will over time sip into makeup brush and no washing session can fully clean it from bristles. And as I mentioned before – you need to avoid any oil near your dolls.

You can use soft pastels sold in blocks, or already ground into dust [eg. Pan Pastel]. You can even get pure mineral pigments.

What brands I recommend? What I use? – I mostly use Kooh-i-Noor, Stabilo and mineral pigments. Recommended brands will be same as for watercolor pencils: Derwent, Faber Castel, Prismacolor. You aim for  good quality pastels – soft, highly packed with pigments, with small % of binders and fillers.

How to use soft pastels?

you can use them as they are –  simply dab your makeup brush over pastel block to get some pigment

you can grind it on sandpaper – 400 or finer grit is best

 you can scratch some dust with  craft knife over a paper

you can be lazy and buy already ground pastels or pigments 😀

Mineral pigments instead of soft pastels?

I often use pure mineral pigments, that I got for cheap in local eco beauty store. If you want ever to use a human make up product on dolls – you must always check if what you get is a pure mineral product without silicones, parabens or any kind of oils.

Because otherwise – as you already know – you will destroy your doll.

No, Rhonda, your eye shadow set won’t work! No, they are no good, I don’t care how much you’ve paid for them.

Pure mineral pigments are often offered by brands that specialize in mineral make up, like Annabelle Minerals etc. They can also be bought on Etsy from small manufacturers or in local eco beauty stores. They are already finely ground, with no additional fillers, so they offer bold vivid colors with great coverage and smooth layering. You will also often get mineral shimmers and glitters, that are fine enough to be used on doll eye make up. Read the labels, ask seller about  full list of ingredients – and you’ll be good 🙂 And those are mineral pigments I have from my local store:

    OTHER GOODIES

– what you can use, and what should be avoided at any cost? What else you can use for doll faceup? – any kind of textile glue to attach eyelashes – human grade eyelashes – any craft glitters – 3D paints – any acrylic based inks and contour paints  – POSCA acrylic markers – nail art stickers, rhinestones or coloring  dust – decals –but you’ll need to seal them at least 2 times after they are dry! What to avoid? – anything with oils – either mineral or natural – human makeup products: powders, eye shadows, eyeliners, body shimmers etc. – normal colored pencils – oil pastels – alcohol-based inks – they will sip into vinyl and destroy it – Sharpies!!! no, they are not good, neither for faces or for hair – they will bleed over time – permanent markers – Mod Podge instead of gloss or varnish – it will get sticky and yellow over time. And no amount of sealant will save it. – nail polish – yes, it will hold to sealed vinyl head, but it’s too stiff when dry and will chip off easily – gouache paints or caulk paints – they will chip off – any cheap art grade spray sealant / fixative  – they will get sticky on vinyl and provide no tooth

  If you are interested on my notes about dyeing doll hair – check this note here.

Doll LAB: recommended materials. Tips & tricks. What materials do I use? What to avoid? And some basic rules. In this post I will show you which materials I use, which are good for dolls & which you should avoid (and why).

[harbingham]

                   Harry took one look at the survey && rolled his eyes. What a waste of fucking time. As if they were all going to BOND because a survey supposedly confirmed they could be  f r i e n d s  . Or at the very least good roommates ?? Whatever. Harry quickly wrote his name, crossing out the rest of the questions with EASE. Besides, they knew who he was already.

          Instead, cursive letters inked the paper — If you put me with someone annoying, I’ll make sure the trip is absolute hell. Ending the sentence with a thick period, annoyance festering as it usually did with life’s POINTLESS trifles.

                    The usual smug smirk dipped over his lips, carelessly turning the questionnaire in without a second thought.

so yeahhh, because my son is the way he is ... i filled it out for him bless up. why do i love harry bingham when i fucking hate him ?? idk fam, idk.

BASIC INFORMATION

FULL NAME: Harold Theodore Bingham PRONUNCIATION: H EH - r uh l d   th EE - uh - d aw r    b IH  ng-uh m   MEANING: estate ruler  /  army leader  REASONING: Harold was his great-grandfather’s name, while Theodore is is father’s name that’s been passed down for quite a while as either a first/middle kinda deal NICKNAME(S): Harry, Har ( though he doesn't like it  ) Bingham, Pretty Boy PREFERRED NAME(S): Harry, just Harry unless you want a punch or a mean remark bless BIRTH DATE: April 13th, 2001 AGE: 18 ZODIAC: Aries !! GENDER: Male PRONOUNS: He/Him ROMANTIC ORIENTATION: Heteroromantic SEXUAL ORIENTATION: Heterosexual NATIONALITY: American ETHNICITY: wonder bread

BACKGROUND

BIRTH PLACE: West Ham, CT HOMETOWN: West Ham, CT SOCIAL CLASS: Upper/Close to the 1% FATHER: Theodore Bingham † MOTHER: Karen Bingham SIBLING(S): Stacy Bingham ( 12 ) BIRTH ORDER: Harry, Stacy PET(S): In the Bingham household ?? Never. OTHER IMPORTANT RELATIVES: He’s surrounded by family, they usually always have at least two reunions a year. However he’s never felt close to them ?? So he’d never list their names here really. He’s only somewhat close to his immediate family. Though, he was close to his nanny growing up if that counts bless PREVIOUS RELATIONSHIPS: it’s a list of like ... relatively short lasting relationships, hookups, && one night stands, until his most recent, kelly, which is probably his longest lasting one ?? ARRESTS?: Technically, on record, none :). He’s definitely been caught like, trespassing, underage drinking, && drunk driving lbh ... but yeah, no record. i hate him. PRISON TIME?: N/A

OCCUPATION & INCOME

SOURCE OF INCOME: intern at parent’s company  /  his parents CONTENT WITH THEIR JOB (OR LACK THERE OF)?: he doesn’t really like it tbh, but it’s done his family well so after college he definitely plans to continue the legacy && make if flourish even more. PAST JOB(S): n/a SPENDING HABITS: *throws money in trash can* MOST VALUABLE POSSESSION: the gold ring with the bingham family insignia his father gave him when he turned 13 ( made him feel like he finally belonged you feel )  though he’d tell you it’s everything he owns ... i hate him

SKILLS & ABILITIES

TALENTS: bringing people together ( or apart ), lightening the mood ( or you know, fucking it up too ), banter, racing, fixing cars SHORTCOMINGS: oh honey — saying shit he doesn’t mean, his own arrogance, addictive personality, emotional invulnerability, aloof nature, shall i continue ?? LANGUAGE(S) SPOKEN: English, French, Italian DRIVE?: Hell yeah JUMP-STAR A CAR?: Yes CHANGE A FLAT TIRE?: Yes, but he’d rather pay someone to do it before ever doing it himself RIDE A BICYCLE?: nope catch me crying SWIM?: Yes PLAY AN INSTRUMENT?: Does learning the recorder in 3rd grade count ?? PLAY CHESS?: Yes BRAID HAIR?: Yes ( Stacy made him learn since he was the only one home most of the time ) TIE A TIE?: Yes, his father practically taught him that in the womb. PICK A LOCK?: nah. he’s more into the jump the fence, break some glass, make a fucking scene, kinda trespassing

PHYSICAL APPEARANCE & CHARACTERISTICS

FACE CLAIM: Alex Fitzalan EYE COLOR: dark brown, specks of gold in natural light HAIR COLOR: Chestnut Brown HAIR TYPE/STYLE: Curly && wavy, his hair texture kinda varies by each strand unless he properly styles it ... which he does when feeling okay GLASSES/CONTACTS?: No, but he definitely likes the aesthetic of glasses sometimes. Like bet money on his ivy interviews he wore glasses ... did i mention i hate harry bingham ?? DOMINANT HAND: Right HEIGHT: 5′10″ WEIGHT: 140/150ish lbs ??? BUILD: Slender Muscular EXERCISE HABITS: it’s rather irregular and depends heavily on his mood. if he’s in a good/okay mood then a few times a week. otherwise it’s hard to do much of anything, let alone work out you know. SKIN TONE: light with pink/tan undertones TATTOOS: none PIERCINGS: none MARKS/SCARS: small dark birth mark near his right, outer ankle. shoulders/back && cheeks tend to get rather freckly in the summer && he hates it. some random cuts && bruises from blacked out drunk/high escapades, the occasional hickey bye. NOTABLE FEATURES: dimples when he actually smiles, white af teeth, the hair™ USUAL EXPRESSION: either completely unamused or smirking tbh CLOTHING STYLE: designer, preppy — think polos, ironed pants, or cuffed skinny jeans, all paired with some boat shoes. sometimes when he’s not feeling so great he’ll wear a plain tee/hoodie JEWELRY: gold pinky ring ( mentioned above ), apple watch on occasion ALLERGIES: long haired cats BODY TEMPERATURE: runs hot 😏 DIET: no such thing, boy’s metabolism is fast, the lucky son of a bitch. PHYSICAL AILMENTS: N/A

PSYCHOLOGY

MORAL ALIGNMENT: Chaotic Neutral TEMPERAMENT: Choleric  /  Melancholic ELEMENT: Fire MENTAL CONDITIONS/DISORDERS: Anxiety, Depression, Toxic Masculinity 👀 SOCIABILITY: Moody™, but very social. Popular™. EMOTIONAL STABILITY: um ... he tries ?? it’s not good though, nope. PHOBIA(S): autophobia ( fear of being alone ),  atychiphobia ( fear of failure ) ADDICTION(S): coffee, opiods, alcohol, etc DRUG USE: yes please ALCOHOL USE: yes please PRONE TO VIOLENCE?: if provoked yes, or if he feels the need to protect/stand against something.

MANNERISMS

QUIRKS: easily annoyed, rolls his eyes a lot, has a comeback for almost everything ( even if it’s just a fuck you ) HOBBIES: cars, racing, sailing ( learned from his dad ),  HABITS: drinking, swearing, pills, drinks coffee every morning NERVOUS TICKS: furrowed brows, pacing/unable to stand still, hand twitching, squinting eyes DRIVES/MOTIVATIONS: Money, Perfectionism, doing the Bingham name justice FEARS: Being forgotten, Isolation, Losing the rest of his family/the few he cares about, Death, Fatal Illness POSITIVE TRAITS: Charming, Adventurous, Witty, Ambitious, Assertive, Protective NEGATIVE TRAITS: Moody, Enigmatic, Cocky, Prideful, Destructive, Sarcastic, Stubborn, Impatient SENSE OF HUMOR: sarcastic, dark DO THEY CURSE OFTEN?: he fucking literally fucking says fuck every fucking other fucking word :D CATCHPHRASE(S): fuck you cassandra, fuck off, fuck you, fuck me, fuck that, we’re playing fugitive tonight

FAVORITES

ACTIVITY: Racing  /  Sailing ANIMAL: Otters BEVERAGE: any && all alcohol™ ... or secretly strawberry hi-c don’t @ him. BOOK: never let me go by kazuo ishiguro CELEBRITY: Margot Robbie COLOR: Navy Blue && Dark Gray DESIGNER: Balenciaga && Ralph Lauren FOOD: loaded fries FLOWER: blue stars GEM: Sapphire/Diamond HOLIDAY: halloween MODE OF TRANSPORTATION: he has a lot of favorite cars, but his black maserati ( aka the fugitive car ) is probably his favorite. he also likes helicopters MOVIE: Fight Club, The Wolf on Wall Street, The Breakfast Club MUSICAL ARTIST: blackbear, Drake are two of his go-tos, though the list is long QUOTE/SAYING: “Just do it.” boy bye SCENERY: nothing like overlooking a long wooden dock into a bright blue lake surrounded by trees  SCENT: cedar, sandalwood — anything kinda woody/musky ?? bless. SPORT: golf SPORTS TEAM: his father always rooted for the yankees, so he roots for the yankees TELEVISION SHOW: Mad Men WEATHER: cloudy with just a bit of sun peaking through, bright blue sky — not too hot, not too cold. VACATION DESTINATION: anywhere near a body of water, though he’s particularly fond of lake como in italy cause there’s a bit of everything ?? mountains, the lake, beautiful architecture, etc :’)

ATTITUDES

GREATEST DREAM: living that ‘american dream’ baby GREATEST FEAR: peaking in high school, being forgotten/not wanted (yet you push people away boii water u doing ?!), being vulnerable ... again there’s a long fucking list MOST AT EASE WHEN: in a fast car, living that reckless™ lifestyle LEAST AT EASE WHEN: realizing what a dumbass he is && having to apologize for it BIGGEST ACHIEVEMENT: getting into brown && columbia off some actual merit && not just money wow BIGGEST REGRET: not really being there for his dad near the end bc that would mean being vulnerable && saying goodbye coming on this fucking trip MOST EMBARRASSING MOMENT: losing the student body president position to cassandra BIGGEST SECRET: which one you want honey ?? TOP PRIORITIES: for everything to stay the same  /  go back to the way it was  :) :( :) :(

[entrance01]

Highlighter and Bronzer: Constant Dualities in Makeup Culture

As written by a makeup user

Makeup is highly polarizing subject to the people who wear it, refuse to wear it, and resign to wear it, and speaking honestly? It can get hard to keep a singular, straight thought about it. Personally speaking at least.

A lot of the topics mentioned were usually written separately, and that’s fine. One person posting how makeup praises European features isn’t wrong! Just like another post saying how makeup fetishizes black features/trying to pass as “racially ambiguous” also isn’t wrong! These two separate camps, among the others I will touch on later, can both exist in the same realm. It’s just our job to see both sides and how either and both affect people.

I know this is far from being the first makeup-critical post nor its last, but throughout my years on this hell site, I have stumbled across numerous articles and thoughts. They are all wonderful and are written with more insight than I could ever, but this compilation is (mostly) for me.

Eurocentric Beauty Standards and Modern Black/Brownface

What do we see when we open Instagram or look up makeup artists on Youtube? Most probably the same cut and crease. The same extensive bronzer. The same cut cheekbones. The same C-shaped highlighted area. And you get the point! But what does it mean? Am I just ragging on the go-to, tried and true looks? Well yes. I hate seeing a lack of creativity, but I want to look deeper into what these artists are choosing to accentuate; what they are choosing to accentuate or hide; what they are choosing to do with their natural skin colour.

One tumblr user (that has since left this site) said, you can’t divorce beauty culture from white supremacy. And they were right. A lot of IG/YT tends still uphold whiteness as a kind of ideal! This perpetuation could be as innocent as contouring tutorials telling viewers to give themselves high cheekbones; a small, straight nose; deeper set eyes; “melon seed” jaws; etc., to an industry-wide problem like Snapchat/IG filters lightening skin tones and companies not providing a ful, broad range of foundations and concealers.

It really wasn’t until, like, what? 2017? where Fenty Beauty made a foundation line with a thorough and broad spectrum that covered almost every skin tone. And that is a travesty! What were you telling these women (and men)? “You should be going lighter than your actual skin shade”? But what’s more insidious than that is actually going out and making skin brightening products for women, especially in countries where colorism is more pronounced –like Central and South America and Asia (especially South and Southeast Asia).

The latter is not just an instance of not a lack of representation (and yes, I acknowledge that we ought to see more darker skinned actors and celebrities and so forth) but is something that can affect the livelihoods of people. Without a doubt, people treat you differently if you look a certain way. It becomes easier to navigate through society! Job prospects open up once you fit these standards, even if they are racist; one non-makeup example is how black women are expected to straighten their hair for jobs, have something like 1A to 2C hair, while other manageable hair styles that are more unique to women with 3A-4C hair (box braids, cornrows, etc.) are seen as inappropriate. But at the same time, non-black people go and appropriate these looks.

As tumblr user estoma6mp (now, luzonbleedingheart) mentioned in their (now deleted) post, what is overlining/plumping their lips and taking the styles of black women other than imitating blackness/modernized blackface? Look at Ariana Grande. The Jenners. These parties “tan” and “bronze” to achieve… I think a certain “racial ambiguity” as well as… just stealing the creative thoughts of African American (and also Latinx) women. It’s…. the coveting and commodification of “ethnic” features and styles for the sake of seeming fashionable and clout while also resting comfortably knowing that you can take off all the bronzer at the end of the day.

The Sexualization of Makeup and Children and the Infantilizing of Grown Women

The names of products and shades are undoubtedly important in creating an image and a connection in the minds of consumers. Like, what does “Killawatt” put in your mind, in my mind, other than something super bright and fluorescent like concert lights? But not all makeup will have simple names like “rose” or “peony” for lipsticks. Those don’t have enough edge. It doesn’t sell sex. But should makeup have to sell sex?

As marisatomay said in her post, makeup companies shouldn’t be naming their products after sexual terms. She goes to list names like “climax” and “super orgasm” and puns like “glow job” that may seem far fetched and almost like a strawman, but no. Those are actual names. Just look at the lip gloss selection from NARS’ site: Orgasm, Super Orgasm, First Time, Strip Tease, Triple X, are just a handful of names. There are so much more I’m not mentioning! I wouldn’t be so opposed to this naming convention if it weren’t for the fact that there are plenty of young girls who are looking to makeup as a form of expression.

Now, whether children and young teenagers should be using makeup is another point of debate. If a child wants to play with makeup and draw flowers on their face and add glitter, that’s fine! It’s all in good fun. But the moment you have girls as young as 7 or 8 becoming makeup artists, contouring, beating their faces, making themselves look like they are in their 20s, that’s where things get concerning. Like, we should let children be children and allow them creativity, but creativity with makeup is hard because the line between having fun and feeling like you need to conform to certain looks/have certain knowledge about making yourself look “beautiful” is getting more and more blurred. It’s already terrible to see elementary school children think that they need to look a certain way, wear makeup a certain way to be seen as pretty, but the makeup industry isn’t just exploiting these young girls’ insecurities. They also exploit the girls themselves. When we see brands posting closeup videos of young girls putting on lip gloss, lips parted, it evokes a certain image.

On the other hand, however, I’ve also seen makeup palettes that are very reminiscent of childhood. Saffron-Sugar wrote on her blog, that a lot of makeup also has an “unpleasantly infantilizing tone,” and I agree! Like, which makeup company hasn’t collaborated with Disney? Mermaid, unicorn, faerie, and even dessert themed products are omnipresent. This by itself isn’t that much of an issue –these are cute aesthetics, and I can get behind some of them—but it really patronizes a lot of adult women. These circumstances emphasize certain connotations with regards to (perhaps feigned) girliness.

While I said makeup can sexualize minors and expose them to unwarranted sexual tension, makeup can also sexualize that same young, innocent image in women. It’s the idea of recapturing girlhood and innocence and purity. It’s sickening because it kinda adds this “barely legal” culture –where men wait for girls to turn 18 as if legality is the only thing that differentiates a girl from a woman. And this is disgusting.

Empowerment and Societal Coercion and the Industry that Doesn’t Care

I’m glad to be living in a time and a world where I can speak my thoughts openly and find ways to be myself, but… I think it’s also this individualism that gives us all an overinflated sense of self. It’s difficult to openly criticize our behavior, our actions, as consumers and as people in a capitalistic society because so many of us do take these as personal attacks. As if we were exempt from reflecting on ourselves and have free reign to perpetuate harmful ideology and phenomena.

So…. It was, like, 2012? 2013? Where we got all these “eyeliner sharp enough to kill a man!!” and “blind them with your highlighter!” comments and posts. The idea, if I recall everything correctly, was that… a lot of girls, a lot of women, were emphasizing that they weren’t wearing makeup for anyone else other than themselves. And I think that is a wonder idea. It’s nice that you can make a hobby out of this, but I also know that there are plenty of others who are less than enthused about makeup.

I don’t hate on the women in the above scenario, totally don’t! But they can’t go around yelling how something (especially makeup) is a choice when to many others it isn’t. Plenty of women feel like they need to wear makeup in order to better navigate through society. As a personal anecdote, I know that I have been treated far better as a person the moment I “glowed up” and tried to coordinate outfits better/put on makeup in a more conventionally attractive manner/adhering to certain beauty standards. I know that in some service jobs such as waiting tables, the number of tips a waiter gets can be determined by her makeup. And let’s not even go into mental health professionals and their patients wearing makeup! It’s unrealistic the amount of time women has to spend on our appearances just to be treated like “normal.”

And the thing is, the makeup industry doesn’t care if you’re either woman! These million-dollar companies, founded on the institutional control of how women look and behave, are getting money from both camps. Advertisement will be sprinkled with buzzwords such as “empowering” and “girl boss” but those are empty words when all they want is to bank on these trends and women’s wants and/or insecurities.

 And here’s the part where I struggle to conclude all my thoughts. Like my previous post about art commissions and business, this is nothing more than a rehash of what people before me have said: I just wanted to compile everything in a more accessible post for myself, rather than scroll through my makeup tag on my main blog. But I guess I need to have some form of closure for anybody who has actually stuck around to get here (and thank you for doing so!).

All of the circumstances mentioned are… quite separate from each other all things considered, but they are all part of a larger, more foreboding culture that makes women feel like they need to look a certain way (even if they think they are being unique and creative). Indeed, makeup is a form of expression and creativity for a lot of women, but to just blindly act without any insight on what you are consuming, what you are doing, and why you are doing it, is honestly irresponsible. Like any other part of culture, a part of media (especially social), we need to see who is benefiting from our actions and who is getting hurt.

[kitzdoodles]

I've made a kinda short bio for an oc of mine!! I don't have a very good pic of him now, but I've got the looks written down. 

Also! Warning for some sensitive topics such as abuse and self-harm. Bio under the cut!

Name: Viktor Mikhailov Age: 26 Gender/Pronouns: Male, he/him Sexuality: Pansexual Birthday: December 10th

Appearance: 6'6, medium toned skin, light grey eyes, slightly messy auburn hair that's swept to the right and parted on the far left, usually has dark circles under his eyes, a mole next to his right eye, almost covered in scars but hides them.

Usual Clothing: Either wears formal or casual clothing. Often wears either a black turtleneck sweater and grey sweatpants or a long, navy blue peacoat with a white, long sleeved undershirt and navy blue, formal pants. Always wears a black, woven bracelet, given to him by his sister.

Personality: Tends to be very reserved and unemotional. Tries not to show any "weak" emotions, as in fear, sadness, even happiness, so he tends to just keep them inside and only really shows emotions that are known to be more "manly". Is not very prideful and looks down on himself, is kind of depressed and used to be more suicidal, but has lightened up a bit. Doesn't take care of himself well, shuts others out, and is starved of affection and attention. Is a real big sweetheart once you get him to crack, but is afraid of getting hurt, so he tries to keep from letting people in. Isn't very good at doing so though. Does horribly under lots of stress and pressure, but tries to keep himself together, no matter the circumstance.

Likes: His sister, kind people that he can trust, dogs, especially borzois, quiet places, any kind of calm situation, cooking, lots of affection, singing, his small fanbase, playing guitar and piano, etc. Dislikes: His parents, backstabbers and liars (which is ironic as he tends to lie quite a bit), his scars, the fact that he can barely take care of himself no matter how hard he tries, the fact that he can barely afford having a dog, being lonely, etc.

(Kind of) Short backstory: As he was young, he was (more so verbally) abused by his parents because they decided to put the blame on him for their own problems. He was taught not to show many emotions because his parent didn't want to deal with him crying or any of that, so he learned to stay quiet. His sister was his only real support and the only one he really trusted, she was also his escape out of the abusive household. When she was old enough to move out, she took Viktor and lived with him until he could move out and take care of himself. Because of the abuse, he became depressed and even suicidal, but got therapy and medicine to keep it down. He now lives as a fairly well known music artist, as he'd been wanting to be one since he was young. He got piano and guitar lessons  for a while, until he had to teach himself. He makes music in both Russian and English, Russian being his mother tongue, and English being a secondary language. He isn't living the greatest life, but is doing his best.

Other: As mentioned before, he's got many scars. They are located on his neck, arms, thighs, and back. The scars on his neck and back were caused because of accidents, and the scars on his arms and thighs are from self-harm. He has since learned to stop, but does get urges to start again, he tries to ignore the urges though.

He also has very awful nightmares basically every night, causing him to not get a lot of sleep. Sometimes he'll stay up all night just to avoid them. He finds that having someone with him will hold the nightmares back sometimes, but since he doesn't have anyone, the nightmares are still very frequent.

[penmanship]

DO NOT SIT LIKE A LADY

I learned something recently about how women are expected to behave that can actually cause them health problems. I've been having to go to physical therapy for my knees and ankle. I've also had spine and hip problems all of my life. My physical therapist had to explain to me that the way I was sitting, rising, standing, and walking was very bad for me, and for anyone concerned about the health of their hips, knees, and ankles. She instructed me on how to sit, rise, stand, and walk like a man. "LIKE A MAN."

Apparently the way that women are taught to physically “act like a lady" is actually bad for their health! It's hard on all of our human joints, especially for humans with wide hips and delicate ankles, aka for most humans of the female sex. Read that again. Let that sink in. The way that women have culturally been taught to physically exist is bad for their health. If women were to sit, rise, stand, and walk as men did they would extend their ability to do these things into old age, and recover from injuries in these areas more quickly.

Don't cross your legs tightly when you sit: instead, keep your legs apart with each knee across from each hip point, or rest one ankle across the top of the other knee as if you were doing half of a criss cross apple sauce. 

Don't daintily rise with one foot first and then the next: instead, keep your knees apart and put your weight balanced evenly through both legs as you rise.

Don't stand with your legs crossed or your feet closely together, instead study how martial artists stand with one foot forward and one slightly away at an angle that promotes optimal balance. 

Don't do a catwalk with one leg crossing before the other. Walk with your legs a bit apart, with even posture. Don't try to hide your arms in weird, uncomfortable, demure poses if you don't need to, when you can instead swing them naturally down at your sides for balance. Martial arts lessons help with learning to walk safely and healthily, too, I find.

Are you noticing a theme here? Knees apart. Balanced. Men learn these life hacks unconsciously by watching other men. Women tend to pick up mannerisms that make them look smaller and less threatening, but most of these feminine poses are not only dangerously off balance if someone bumps into them or attacks them, but they're also APPARENTLY BAD FOR YOUR FREAKING BODY. I'm in the process of retraining myself, and OH DEAR GODS DOES WALKING "CORRECTLY" BOOST YOUR CONFIDENCE. I feel safer and more secure just by walking in a more healthy manner "like a man."

I hope this has been informative. I needed to tell someone, and I guess I also needed to rant at the memory of my grandmother instructing me on how to "sit and walk like a lady". SCREW THAT. SIT WITH YOUR LEGS APART AND BE HEALTHY.

This was written in response to something my friend reposted, which you can read below in this hidden area, because I don’t usually do reposts with this journal:

Be a lady they said. Your skirt is too short. Your shirt is too low. Your pants are too tight. Don’t show so much skin. Don’t show your thighs. Don’t show your breasts. Don’t show your midriff. Don’t show your cleavage. Don’t show your underwear. Don’t show your shoulders. Cover up. Leave something to the imagination. Dress modestly. Don’t be a temptress. Men can’t control themselves. Men have needs. You look frumpy. Loosen up. Show some skin. Look sexy. Look hot. Don’t be so provocative. You’re asking for it. Wear black. Wear heels. You’re too dressed up. You’re too dressed down. Don’t wear those sweatpants; you look like you’ve let yourself go.

Be a lady they said. Don’t be too fat. Don’t be too thin. Don’t be too large. Don’t be too small. Eat up. Slim down. Stop eating so much. Don’t eat too fast. Order a salad. Don’t eat carbs. Skip dessert. You need to lose weight. Fit into that dress. Go on a diet. Watch what you eat. Eat celery. Chew gum. Drink lots of water. You have to fit into those jeans. God, you look like a skeleton. Why don’t you just eat? You look emaciated. You look sick. Eat a burger. Men like women with some meat on their bones. Be small. Be light. Be little. Be petite. Be feminine. Be a size zero. Be a double zero. Be nothing. Be less than nothing.

Be a lady they said. Remove your body hair. Shave your legs. Shave your armpits. Shave your bikini line. Wax your face. Wax your arms. Wax your eyebrows. Get rid of your mustache. Bleach this. Bleach that. Lighten your skin. Tan your skin. Eradicate your scars. Cover your stretch marks. Tighten your abs. Plump your lips. Botox your wrinkles. Lift your face. Tuck your tummy. Thin your thighs. Tone your calves. Perk up your boobs. Look natural. Be yourself. Be genuine. Be confident. You’re trying too hard. You look overdone. Men don’t like girls who try too hard.

Be a lady they said. Wear makeup. Prime your face. Conceal your blemishes. Contour your nose. Highlight your cheekbones. Line your lids. Fill in your brows. Lengthen your lashes. Color your lips. Powder, blush, bronze, highlight. Your hair is too short. Your hair is too long. Your ends are split. Highlight your hair. Your roots are showing. Dye your hair. Not blue, that looks unnatural. You’re going grey. You look so old. Look young. Look youthful. Look ageless. Don’t get old. Women don’t get old. Old is ugly. Men don’t like ugly.

Be a lady they said. Save yourself. Be pure. Be virginal. Don’t talk about sex. Don’t flirt. Don’t be a skank. Don’t be a whore. Don’t sleep around. Don’t lose your dignity. Don’t have sex with too many men. Don’t give yourself away. Men don’t like sluts. Don’t be a prude. Don’t be so up tight. Have a little fun. Smile more. Pleasure men. Be experienced. Be sexual. Be innocent. Be dirty. Be virginal. Be sexy. Be the cool girl. Don’t be like the other girls.

Be a lady they said. Don’t talk too loud. Don’t talk too much. Don’t take up space. Don’t sit like that. Don’t stand like that. Don’t be intimidating. Why are you so miserable? Don’t be a bitch. Don’t be so bossy. Don’t be assertive. Don’t overact. Don’t be so emotional. Don’t cry. Don’t yell. Don’t swear. Be passive. Be obedient. Endure the pain. Be pleasing. Don’t complain. Let him down easy. Boost his ego. Make him fall for you. Men want what they can’t have. Don’t give yourself away. Make him work for it. Men love the chase. Fold his clothes. Cook his dinner. Keep him happy. That’s a woman’s job. You’ll make a good wife some day. Take his last name. You hyphenated your name? Crazy feminist. Give him children. You don’t want children? You will some day. You’ll change your mind.

Be a lady they said. Don’t get raped. Protect yourself. Don’t drink too much. Don’t walk alone. Don’t go out too late. Don’t dress like that. Don’t show too much. Don’t get drunk. Don’t leave your drink. Have a buddy. Walk where it is well lit. Stay in the safe neighborhoods. Tell someone where you’re going. Bring pepper spray. Buy a rape whistle. Hold your keys like a weapon. Take a self-defense course. Check your trunk. Lock your doors. Don’t go out alone. Don’t make eye contact. Don’t bat your eyelashes. Don’t look easy. Don’t attract attention. Don’t work late. Don’t crack dirty jokes. Don’t smile at strangers. Don’t go out at night. Don’t trust anyone. Don’t say yes. Don’t say no.

Just “be a lady” they said.

– Author Unknown

[indieks]

Not So Randomly | Part 4/5

🌟 Pairing : Im Changkyun (I.M) x Reader

🌟 Genre : Fluff, Angst

🌟 Word count : 21k.

🌟 Synopsis : Whenever you cross the path of Im Changkyun, that guy you hate and that hates you, it seems to be the worst day of your life. But, strangely enough, it also becomes the best and most accurate of moments you've ever had. So, the more you randomly end up stucked with each other, the more a question can arise : is it really chance that has something against you, or is it serendipity that drives you one towards the other?

Previous Part .:. Next Part

🌟 A/N : FINALLYYYY! Oh my god this is so long! This is the next to last part of these series I think… I’m sorry for posting it after three weeks, but back to school has taken a lot of my time and I couldn’t write...

I'm so thankful to all of you who read this, thank you thank you thank you for appreciating my work, I'm truly happy that you like it! 

Oh and yeah there’s finally a clearer appearance of the GroovyRoom producers duo here... I love khh too so I might put some of the artists as side characters in my works! And those two reaaaally suited the ones I had here hehehe

Anyway, enjoy this part, I looooved writing it! ♥

Disclaimer : any gifs or images used, even edited, are not mine and belong to their rightful owners!

 ***

  "I'll prove it to you."

"Did you really say that to her? Wooooow Im Changkyun you're surprising me here I swear!" his best friend Jooheon exclaimed as they were sitting along with Hoseok in a café outside campus.

Changkyun sighed before blowing on his hot drink, his own words and yours turning round and round in his head since he had said them a few hours ago. He had spent the rest of the afternoon daydreaming in class, the butterflies in his stomach never ceasing to flap their wings since he had left you and the spark in his chest consuming all the energy he would have gathered to listen. He had finally said it, and he felt relieved but uneasy at the same time, as your defensive reaction prevented him from entirely releasing what had been burning for you inside of him, by a kiss he was now longing to give you.

Had he really ruined everything? Had he hurt you that deep? He hadn't realized how the weight of his words and [in]actions had buried your feelings so deep he could barely reach them anymore. However, what he came to understand by hearing you out, was that everything going wrong between the two of you was due to the lack of communication and your misunderstandings of his intentions because he hadn't spoken his mind sooner.

"Hyung, did I mess up that bad?" he finally asked as he put his head in his hands to grasp his hair hardly.

Then, he covered it with the hood of the sweater he had passed on before going out with his hyungs, as walking around in the chic outfit had become unbearable, the memories it brought seeming to stick to his skin.

"I don't think you messed up" Hoseok started, but when he earned a suspicious look from Jooheon he changed his use of words. "Well, maybe you did a little, you've been pretty harsh with her just because you had no guts. Buuuut I've seen her look at you all the time when we're around her in campus, and even if she says she doesn't, I'd bet my life she still likes you."

"I think you're going to die then" Changkyun chuckled, laughing sadly at how small his chances seemed to be.

"Ayyyy don't think like that, you just need to fight a little that's all" Jooheon interfered, grabbing his best friend's shoulder and shaking him gently to cheer him up. "You don't know what to do because it's your first time, lil' boy!"

Changkyun pushed his hand away and shot him an annoyed glare.

"As if both of you are experts anyway..." he scoffed before drinking a sip of his coffee.

"Well why are you asking us for help then?" Hoseok pointed with a sly smile, his chin comfortably in the palm of his hand.

"Aish I'm getting a headache and I don't need this. Imma sort this out alone I think!"

"All I can advise you is : go after her, don't give up, and... if you never try you never know" Hoseok shrugged, before putting his straw in his mouth.

"This might sound a bit cheesy-" Jooheon started.

"You're cheesy" his two friends cut him before laughing, amazed at their synchronization.

"Ya! I'm not! I tend to be romantic okay, and that's different!" he protested, his eyes going big and his mouth wide open in outrage.

"Yeah sure... Anyway you were saying?" Changkyun smiled, holding his cup close to him.

"I was saying you should just follow your heart, whatever it says, because look at how things turned when you listened to your dumbass brain" Jooheon stated, poking the youngest's head before crossing his arms.

Changkyun looked at him for a few seconds, processing the words he had just heard and as he saw Hoseok nodding in agreement, he found truth in them. The rare times he had listened to his heart, his actions had been spontaneous but never failed to guide him to you as he had been going after you, and he had always felt he was doing the right thing. No rummaging, no regrets after that, only being scared of losing control and falling for you, but he wasn't anymore.

"I think I should go" he almost whispered, a convinced look in the eye while his brows furrowed.

The boy jumped out of his chair as soon as he ended his drink – in one gulp –, making his friends laugh and they didn't even try to come after him when he almost ran out of the café to the university.

"Yeah go ahead loverboy! That's how you man up!" Jooheon shouted before laughing out loud along with Hoseok. "I didn't think having him with us in Seoul would be that entertaining, if only the others were there too!"

Right now, Changkyun's heart was telling him to find you. He didn't know what he would do then, and he still had in mind your wish to never see his face show up in front of yours again, but somewhere deep within him he felt the same thrill that had steered him the times before. The sky was turning into an orangey tone, the dim rays of sun shining on the streets while a fresh spring wind was whirling around, and Changkyun was jogging to the university's entrance at a quick pace. He only thought a second time about what he was doing when he entered the library instinctively, remembering you went there last Monday, before you both got locked up.

How were you going to react? He had confessed just a few hours ago and you had blown up like a bomb right in front of him, so wouldn't you still be sensitive to the fire of emotions he was burning in? Is she okay at least? Changkyun had to check on you – he was dying to do so – and he started begging chance to help him like it always had since the beginning, now that he had realized it had been in favor of your relationship but that he had been too oblivious to use it properly.

He had bought your favorite hot drink right before coming, knowing you liked it as every morning he had spent with you 6 months ago, you had slowly savored one with your eyes still red from the lack of sleep. He still remembered the sweet scent it left in the air every time you spoke. He wanted to smell it again, he wanted to surprise you with his knowledge of your habits, and with his sudden boost of confidence, Changkyun started to roam between the rows of bookshelves and tables, his hands burning with the cup in them and trembling as he anticipated the moment he'd have you in his sight.

However, he hadn't expected what he faced when he landed a foot in the umpteenth row, ready to move on to the next one as he had been doing up til then. His eyes finally met your back still well-dressed in your white elegant shirt, but you weren't alone ; you were with another boy he had never seen or paid attention to, both of your shoulders leaned against the same bookshelf and the tones of your voices really low, close to a whisper. Changkyun stepped back and as he couldn't fight his curiosity, he walked in the neighboring row until he was at your level, careful not to be seen or suspicious as he took a random book in his hands and leafed it, the drink still preciously held in his right hand.

    ***

    You had decided to plunge yourself into work at the library at the end of the day, as after having spent the entire afternoon remembering Changkyun's fucking weird confession instead of listening to classes, you had been persuaded that returning to your dorm would only have resulted in you crying in your bed and wondering how life could be joking at you that much.

Changkyun liked you. From the beginning, he had said. But why did it feel like it hurt instead of relieving you as you had always longed for those words? Like a little angel and a little devil on your shoulders, your intern voices were fighting between something like : "Don't mind him, he should have awakened before instead of rejecting you!" and "You like him, he likes you, just go for it!".

Had he really hurt you? Of course he had, you even cried because of his sharp words. But should you really blame him for having been afraid of his feelings? Better late than never they say… But wasn't it too late? You didn't know yourself, as you weren't really sure if you trusted him in the first place. Maybe it was just an illusion he had, as you had been reunited spectacularly and he felt too excited about it, carried away by the heat of the moment. Maybe it would fade away in some time, while your feelings would still be pouring now that you had no plug to dry up their source. The thought of accepting him suddenly gave you chills and made your heart beat crazily – as always though –, and you shook your head from left to right, hoping it would brush off your feelings and you'd finally get involved in your accounting calculations.

However, it seemed that you were not going to finish your homework any time soon, as your phone's screen lightened up with a Facebook message coming from Hwimin the moment you read the first exercise's instructions. No, not one, but two, then three, and four. What did he want? Why now? Why were these two boys always coming in and out of your life at the same time, moreover when you were the weakest? With careful fingers, you opened the blue bubble and read the lines numerous times until it hit you.

The integration party was on this Friday. That is to say, in four days. Four little days before you got to see your ex again after almost a month without doing so, and you suddenly felt short of breath. A wave of melancholia abruptly crashed against your body, its water filling under your eyelids while your mouth ran dry. Lee Hwimin. You couldn't remember his face quite well now, but the resounds of his sweet voice and laugh were clear in your ears on which you put your hands to focus on your self-control.

Stupidly though, your curious mind directed your hands towards your phone once again and in no time you were surfing on his Instagram account, but what welcomed you surprised and disappointed you at the same time.

Every single one of his last pictures was showing him partying with his friends – some that used to be yours too –, and most of the time he had red eyes or was surrounded by random but pretty girls with bright smiles and sometimes wandering hands.

"What's wrong with him?" you moaned out loud, and you earned a disapproving look from your table mates as well as a "Shhhhht" coming from the intendant that appeared out of nowhere, her eyes scarily peering at you behind the glasses perched on her nose, making you apologize shyly.

Is he serious? You didn't recognize the boy you used to know from these pictures, and what you were sure of, was that you would never have been attracted to him if he had been such a party guy back then. So that was what he had left you for? So that was the freedom he had been seeking? And there you had been feeling guilty for forgetting about him so quickly because of Changkyun, while he looked like he had moved on the second he broke up with you and was proudly showcasing his single life. You bit your lip nervously and started to scroll down his feed as you couldn't believe he had changed that much, looking for something that was familiar to you and that would ensure you you hadn't fallen for that kind of guy in the first place.

You shouldn't have done that. As soon as you reached the pictures of the year before, you felt your heart crumple into your chest so bad that you instinctively put your fist on it and started to pat the zone to help it beat normally again. Hwimin hadn't deleted any picture of you and your relationship. They were still there, drowned under the wave of craziness he was surfing on down in the country, but they were still there and you oddly felt angry.

Those cute legends, those thrilling moments of skipping classes, those comments you left nagging him and his responses full of sarcasm, were the memories you still treasured deep within you. He was your first relationship ever, and while you were trying to crystalize the souvenirs it had implied, his new image was crushing everything and made you doubt about his sincerity with you in the first place. You felt disgusted by his actual demeanor, wondering why he would throw out his old self completely to become a party boy and that only, but mostly how he could send you those caring messages when he looked like there was nothing left of him you could trust.

You needed to understand or at least, you needed some kind of briefing to prepare yourself for Friday night, as you refused to be deceived by another boy. You had to level down your expectations before you let yourself hope something he wouldn't reflect, something that would have suited his kind words when in reality he was only going to be there to party. So you texted his best friend, Gyujeong, who was attending the same university as yours, and you were eager to ask him why Hwimin would send you such messages, and if you were the only one to be shocked by his new mask or not.

Gyujeong appeared to be in the library too, so you rushed out of your seat and when you caught a glimpse of him standing on the stairs and apparently looking for you, his bright orange hoodie calling for you as if he was a warning sign, you waved your arm in the air and the tall boy rushed to you. He still had his charming smile and handsome looks, with his traits close to European ones, and you got surprised when he hugged you quickly once he got you in his reach.

"Y/N… How come we haven't seen each other before?" he whispered, still smiling at you when you parted and he started to walk, inviting you to hide somewhere to talk without disturbing people.

You used to hang out a lot with him, Hwimin and Solhee, making you a square of best friends, and you regretted those moments as you finally got to talk to him after a long time. He was studying law so you had a few to zero classes together, and even if you both hadn't meant to, your break up with Hwimin naturally leaded to one with him.

"How are you doing?" he asked in a quiet tone, putting his shoulder comfortably against the bookshelf on his left and you mirrored him.

"Pretty fine, and you? Not too hard?" you smiled.

"Wellll you can forget about my lazy ass, it's in the past. I'm a hard-working Gyujeong now" he laughed softly, making you giggle as you brushed your hair with your left hand.

University had changed him too, but in a better way than his best friend apparently. Still, you had seen him on a few of the last pictures posted by Hwimin, as he sure had invited him to one of his numerous parties and the thought made your stomach knot indefinitely, as you desperately wanted to hear about  your ex from him.

What is that chocolatey scent suddenly in the air? It smells so good…

"So, what did you want to ask me?" he questioned as he played with the chords of his flashy hoodie like a kid in a handsome man's body, and you focused on him again instead of your growing hunger.

Without hesitating, you pulled out your phone and handed it to him with Hwimin's messages on the screen, and to your surprise, Gyujeong sighed before laughing mostly sarcastically. When he raised his eyes, he looked away from you and shook his head in disbelief.

"What makes you laugh?" you couldn't refrain yourself from asking, your brows knitting in confusion.

"When did he send that to you?" he asked back in a louder voice, his tone trembling because of the laugh still in the back of his throat.

"J-Just now, and I… I wanted to ask you if you have any idea why he would do that, I mean, I don't understand him and I would like to know what he wants before I get to see him" you stuttered, your eyes glued to the screen Gyujeong was now rereading, a smile still on his lips.

"You really want to know, Y/N?" he finally looked back at you, one of his brows arched.

What does that mean?

"Y-Yes, why wouldn't I?"

"That means that dumbass chicken misses you." he informed you before laughing again at his best friend he just had betrayed.

"What?!" you exclaimed but in a hushed voice, your eyes ready to go out of their holes and your heart hammering your ribcage.

"I'm sorry but I know him too damn well and I'm sure of what I'm saying" Gyujeong shrugged. "I said it because you asked, and to speak frankly, I think you deserve to know…"

You blinked a few times as your brain froze the moment it got hit by his words, first his revelation about Hwimin's intentions towards you, second his answer to the question you would never have dared to ask him but you had thought about a lot of times, wondering if he had been sharing his best friend's choice as you regretted losing his friendship because of it.

"How can you possibly say that I mean… He broke up with me to enjoy his uni life, and I saw his Instagram and he seemed reaaaaally fine without me so what makes you think that?" you spoke your concerns out loud, under Gyujeong's soft look and smile that were trying to show you, somehow, you were understood.

Too much information in one day. As if Changkyun and Hwimin were linked, you were once again assisting to their collaboration to mess with your entire mind and heart as they now had decided to showcase their feelings for you at the same time. Suddenly, an emotion close to anger bubbled inside of your chest now that Gyujeong had unveiled the disguise under which Hwimin had concealed himself. You were asking yourself how crazy you must be to get attracted to the type of guy that regrets pushing you away and comes back in hopes you'd be the gentle girl waiting for him. Most of all : how come you happened to do that twice in a row?

"Ah his Instagram… I went to one of his parties and they are really lit, the people too, but you shouldn't rely on those pictures you know, Y/N. Hwimin hasn't really changed, if that was your inner question…" Gyujeong guessed and you looked down, ashamed to admit that you cared. "He's still my best friend, he's just happy to live a stressless life with people that are laid-back, and yeah he got carried by the trend to show off how hot uni life is, but he's still the same…"

Gyujeong searched for some kind of response in your eyes, his own inviting you to speak freely while he hadn't stopped smiling since the beginning of your private meeting.

"Let's say you are right. Then why would he miss me…" you winced as you spoke the words up yourself, the thought of it bugging you. "If he's having a perfect life down there, it means he just got what he was aspiring for when he dumped me, and I know you know his reasons Gyujeong-ah."

The latter nodded and he bit his lip before tilting his head, looking for the right words to tell so that he could get to the point without losing your soul in the process.

"I asked you if you really wanted to know, Y/N, so now you know. I told you : I'm his best friend, so I know what I'm saying. At one hundred percent. I won't get any further than this, but would you let me ask a simple question?"

"Go ahead" you whispered reluctantly, your fingers playing with the hem of your shirt nervously as your brain had started to play all your memories with Hwimin in your head like a film you were forced to watch without the right to pause it.

"Do you miss him too?"

Time froze, your blood too as your body went numb, but suddenly something distracted you : the strong scent of sweetness coming from the other side of the wood structure you were leaning on, as if it got closer since the beginning of the conversation. Your eyes drifted to the books next to you, and between them you recognized the outlines of a coffee cup placed on the shelf, your brows furrowing as you saw it was alone. But when you were ready to stand up to look for its owner, Gyujeong scraped his throat and you looked back at him, realizing you had left his question unanswered. What was it again?

"Should I take your dodge as a yes?" he teased, his eyes following where yours were still landing on.

"Oh my god no! No, I don't think so." you finally replied.

How could you miss him when somebody else had been occupying your thoughts non-stop or your sight every time you had tried to forget about him? No, you hadn't missed Hwimin at all, as you were in love with somebody else that ate it all, even the weakest part of your heart that had started to beat for your ex. Indeed, if his messages had bothered you more than it should have, it was nothing compared to the fire of emotions Changkyun had set within your whole body since his confession and that was still burning vigorously, not even slightly threatened by the wave of mixed-feelings that had crashed against you at the sight of the unknown man Hwimin had become.

"Then if you don't care about him, why are we having this discussion right now?" Gyujeong pointed out.

"I still care about him, but not in that way" you corrected, your eyes staring into his as he nodded in comprehension. "I just got disturbed by his sudden messages and his Instagram posts that showed me a total stranger when it has only been a few weeks since the last time I saw him. I needed to understand, Gyujeong-ah. He remains my first relationship you know, I can't stay indifferent."

His best friend hummed and he straightened himself, his dark hair falling on his forehead after he had done a slow move of his head to make his neck crack.

"I got it. But now that I cleared your mind, what are you gonna do on Friday? I don't want to deal with his annoyed self if you're too harsh on him, please!" Gyujeong pleaded before yawning, and you laughed quietly.

"I can't do anything for him, he shouldn't have dumped me… But I'll act normal even if a part of me wants to punch him for being that dumb" you confessed.

"I couldn't have said it any better, he's been fucking dumb" he joked, an ounce of relief in his voice and he put his large hand on your shoulder to shake it a bit. "I'll go now, I have some work to catch on. You know, we can stay friends Y/N, I miss you and… Solhee. I don't have anything to do with all this shit!"

You smiled and let him go and once you were alone, you expired a long breath of air, feeling weird after this talk that had confused you as well as it had helped you face the sad truth the more you talked about Hwimin : you liked Changkyun, and nobody else. Indeed, even when you were granted the chance to turn away from him by going into your ex's arms that apparently were waiting for you, his confession added to his return into your daily life were making you unable to silence your feelings – that now had grown even deeper – like you had before.

Your doubt about the honesty of the three words he had said with confidence was holding you back in a stance of hesitation, where your head was telling you not to believe it and go on your way while your heart was dying to get what it wanted by giving him another chance. You liked Changkyun, and nobody else, and even Hwimin's possible return couldn't change that as the spark you had grown for him only got switched off by the fireworks Changkyun was making you feel.

    ***

    "That means that dumbass chicken misses you."

His eyes open wide and he almost gasps, but he tries to remain as silent as possible not to get noticed or miss a single word coming from your mouth. Who are they talking about?

"… He broke up with me…"

Broke up? She had a boyfriend? Changkyun's jaw drops and he feels his hands starting to tremble, the coffee in the right one on the verge of meeting the ground as he no longer pays attention to it. So this is it? She really moved on? I am too late? There is some sweat forming on his forehead and dampening the few strands of hair he hasn't secured under his hood, and weirdly, a need to puke burns painfully his throat.

"Do you miss him too?"

Please. Changkyun finally decides to set down the drink as he was now about to crush it because of the anticipation. Please don't. He sees your face turning into his direction so he drops his, his hair falling before his eyes and his hood helping him to stay undercover. However, even if he takes a risk to get caught now, he can't allow himself to run away as he knows his mind won't leave him alone if he doesn't hear your answer himself.

"Oh my god no! No, I don't think so."

A quiet sigh leaves his lips and he finally looks up to see you fronting the boy again – Gyujeong, nice to meet you and sorry to be spying on you buddy – and his heart finally releases itself from all the stress and sorrow that had been strangling it.

"I still care about him, but not in that way."

That's all he had needed to hear. Changkyun almost jumped in joy, but soon the realization that someone had took the place you had been ready to give him last summer hit him like a hammer and downed him to the ground immediately. You had liked someone else meanwhile, when he had neither tried to neither found someone who could fit him like you annoyingly did, so it surely meant… You no longer had feelings for him. But why had he felt something going on between the two of you at the library? Or earlier, when your hateful words towards him somehow sounded weird?

When he saw you move from your spot after your friend had left, Changkyun grasped the cup once again and if he had been about to doubt himself and everything he had been intending to do for you, his hyungs' words resounded in his head like a motivating melody and he remembered what he had promised himself. If there had been a time when you had feelings for him, if you were still looking at him as Hoseok had said, he was willing to approach you and rekindle what you once found in him.

Changkyun turned around and followed you silently to the table you were sitting at, and when he saw there wasn't anybody in front of you, he once again was able to thank fate from the bottom of his heart. He breathed one last time before walking to you, who were staring at your blank sheets, as empty as your mind was. But the moment you saw a familiar silhouette fill up the space you were facing, everything seemed more beautiful as he splashed your world with the colors of his own, in something bright but warm that increased the heat in no time.

"Here" Changkyun simply said as he slid a cup to you, and you immediately recognized the smell from a few minutes before, a familiar one as you were fond of this drink.

Did he hear everything? And how did he know?

You blinked a few times, your eyes going back and forth between the hot drink and its offeror, who felt relieved that you didn't push it away immediately, or dropped it on his head. Moreover, there no longer was the glare of anger you had earlier in your eyes.

"What do you want?" you answered, your eyes falling back to your exercises while your heart was already beating at a crazy pace.

"That's your favorite, isn't it?" he smiled proudly, and he leaned his elbows on the table before putting his chin in his hands to have a better look at you.

"And?"

You didn't level up your eyes and the boy sighed, but oh thank god she seems fine. And she’s so pretty right now.

"Aaaand that's for you" he answered in that low voice that made you weak every single time, so weak you finally looked at him to find him staring at you with hooded eyes.

"I don't want it" you sternly said, not understanding what he was doing.

You hadn't digested his sudden confession, not even sure if you could and should trust it, but there he already was, making your legs quiver and your palms sweaty. How had he found you? Had he spied on you? Changkyun kept staring at you with his lips slightly parted and you noticed he had sweated, seeing some wet strands of hair on the sides of his forehead.

"Sorry, w-was that too soon? Look I don't know what to do-" he started to panic, suddenly getting scared of the neutral mask you were wearing.

Maybe she isn't fine after all.

"Don't do anything and leave me alone" you grumbled, hiding as well as you could how flustered you were by such a mere action.

"Hmmm sorry, but that's not in my options anymore." he answered sincerely, and even with your head hung low, he caught the quick widening of your eyes.

You finally acknowledged him and you were – amazingly – surprised to see that, in spite of his clumsy and somehow childish move on you, he sure had man up as he had not once failed to stare at you with care in his eyes since he had pronounced his torturing words. You didn't want to admit it, but the more he was sitting here dealing with your rejection without breaking because of it, the more you were growing close to the conclusion that he was perfectly sincere with you. If he had been late to like you back, if he had tried to go his own way while you had been waiting at the finish line without any hope at some point, you were now seeing him letting go of his fugitive disguise to become a front row runner going straight to you. And you certainly hadn't prepared for it, as your heart was responding passionately to his simple presence.

"Stop it already" you whispered, but your voice wasn't faithful to the willpower you wanted it to have.

"Do you know what my friends call me? Stubborn." he chuckled, his chin still in his right hand as he suddenly got a grab of your pencil case and took one black marker from it.

Your brows furrowed as you were about to swear at him for stealing your things, but when you saw him take the cup and write something on it with a little smile on his lips, the picture stuck the words in your throat.

"You?" you finally scoffed. "You're quite the opposite, should I remind you you were supposed to hate me and that you didn't want to have to do anything with me? And now you… You…"

Changkyun closed his eyes in annoyance and he put the cup back on the table before returning the pen into its place, and you had to refrain your smile to appear as you saw he had black ink on the side of his hand. A child I swear.

"You can't even say it." he complained, his brows furrowing and he slammed his tongue in disapprobation. "I was stubborn about hating you... at first. You don't know how bad the guys tried to open my eyes. And now that I have, now that I made another decision, I'm gonna stick to it too so you'll have to deal with me."

The guys? His friends? If even them knew before you or he did, you couldn't be more certain about his feelings now. Friends are always the first to know when you have a crush on someone.

"Stubborn my ass. I'd rather call you Kkung kkungie" you smiled before biting your lip to stop.

"Aish not that please..." he moaned. "Well yeah, you can call me like that if it makes you smile… If I make you smile." he then shrugged, leaning back on his seat before swinging back and forth in it.

"No, that's ridiculous. Just go."

You were the one that was going be stubborn this time ; at least, you had to try. For your own sake, as you were afraid of his sudden change of mind and open of heart, afraid that it would close again, afraid the smile and attention he was giving you were going to fade as soon as you'd say yes. You really liked him, but did he really like you back? And even if he did, you wouldn't forgive yourself if you were that easy to get. Oh my god Y/N are you really considering being with him right now? STOP!

Changkyun suddenly stood up, his hands in the front pocket of his hoodie and he walked until he was just next to you. When you lifted up your head to look at him, he was mirroring your stare and you almost laughed at his appearance, his hood sticking to his face as his hands' position indirectly pulled at it.

"Alright alright. But know that I'm just starting." he said in a chanting tone, his lips slightly curving down as he was proud of what he had said, and then the boy left, triumphant, leaving you with a still hot cup of your favorite drink to linger his presence in your troubled mind even now that he was physically gone.

    ***

    "And what is this?" Solhee asked when she entered the dorm room, her school bag making a loud noise as she threw it on her desk with a sigh leaving her lips.

You were lying on your bed, staring at the cup on the nightstand next to your head, blinking rarely as you read the writing again and again. You had emptied it after all, drinking it slowly as you had savored the bittersweet taste you loved that bad, but each gulp had reminded you of him – he surely had wanted it from the start –, of his hands on it with his thumb ring that gave off a sexy vibe, of the smile he arbored when he handed it to you, of the last look he gave you.

I'll prove it to you!!!

As if saying it hadn't been enough, Changkyun had dared to write it black on beige, leaving a material proof of his determination and making you hear his voice pronounce the sentence every time you read it.

"Changkyun gave it to me..." you breathed before rolling on your back with your arm on your eyes, exhausted by the masquerade a lonely cup was representing.

"Excuse me girl???? Did I miss something?" your best friend hissed.

You told her what happened at the library, from Hwimin's messages to Gyujeong's kindness to Changkyun's... sudden appearance. She listened without a word, only nodding and humming from time to time, until you got frustrated by her silence.

"Solhee-ah, what am I supposed to do, hm? What am I supposed to do?" you moaned, sitting on your bed.

She sighed loudly before smiling at you, and she tucked her black and shiny hair behind her ears.

"Give him a chance." she said quietly. "But make him run a little before that, because he deserves it and it looks like he's willing to anyway!" she added in a determined voice, her fist knocking against the palm of her other hand.

"What?!" you exclaimed, more than surprised by Solhee's words. "What about our pinky promise? I thought you wanted him out of my life!"

"That, was before I learned the guy actually likes you. He hid it well at first..." she mumbled almost to herself. "I mean, I saw him look at you in class lately, and from alllll the things you've told me up till now, that's pretty sure he's sincere. So, I think you both will only be pieces of shit if you're not together. Fate can't seem to stop bounding the both of you, you're in the same uni, the same classes... You won't stand being apart and put your feelings at bay, at least not when you're stucked with each other all year long. You won't move on now that you know his feelings, Y/N. You like each other, so what else can you do?" she shrugged before laughing as you were looking at her with doe-like eyes, your mouth agape.

"How come it sounds so pleasing coming from you, but when I have to admit it myself I want to die?" you whined.

"I don't want to deal with your whining self all year, Y/N-ah. I love you, but not to the point where I have to drag you around campus because you'll be down or talking about him being a jerk. You have nothing to despair about now, because you ACTUALLY CAN HAVE THE BOY."

She sounded like a mom as well as she looked like one, her arms crossed on her chest while she was tapping her feet against the wooden ground, and you felt a smile curve your lips at the sight.

"I'm scared. And I feel like if I accept him, I'd be an easy girl, I'd be weak and-"

"Ohhhh my gosh but love makes us weak, darling!" she exclaimed and you both laughed at her sudden rush of annoyance, her hands up in the air like a drama queen giving you a lesson. "Love makes us weak, but it also makes us happy, and as I told you : you won’t be happy fighting your feelings eternally when their owner is right next door."

She was perfectly right, your heart knew it, but in your head you still felt like you had to take your time to think about it. I'm scared of him. I'm scared of love.

    ***

    Tuesday. That made it three days before you had to meet Hwimin again, and you still hadn't answered to his messages – you weren't intending to anyway. But this thought was troubling you way less than the one of coming across Changkyun in class and in the hallways. Yet, when you entered the first amphitheater of the day, your eyes found him in no time when his had randomly chosen to look at people entering instead of the game on his phone. And the moment they met, you were surprised to see him smile cockily at you, because you were totally destabilized. You were about to storm to your seat with your friends when-

"Y/N!" his low voice called from the top seats and you stopped in your tracks, cursing under your breath as you wished he would just give you some time. You needed time.

You ignored him and pursued on your way, but the boy called your name again above the morning fuss and you turned around brutally to stare at him with guns taking the place of your eyes.

"Come here two minutes please" he asked you once he had your attention, and seeing you hesitate, Solhee pushed you towards the stairs until your feet were stumbling against the first step.

"Go go go! You hear what he has to say, then you walk away without saying anything, that's how you make them run Y/N!" she whispered and you straightened yourself before walking as confidently as you could to the guy you liked so much in his striped turtleneck that suited him so well.

But in your head it was a mess, as a whole bunch of questions were knocking against the walls of your brain, from "What am I doing?" to "What has gotten into me?" to "I don't care? I don't care! I don't care, I don't..."

"Here" Changkyun suddenly said, snapping you out of your intern war as you were already standing next to him before you could realize.

He handed you the same cup as the day before, and your eyes widened before you frowned.

"So treating me with coffee is your way to get to me? Wow I'm touched" you sarcastically said, and you bit your tongue a little too late.

Why can't I just shut my mouth?

"Hey, I woke up early to get you this so just accept it okay? I don't even ask for a thank you" he insisted in a complaining tone, and unexpectedly he took your right hand to place the cup in it, forcing your fingers to wrap around it.

"Well try harder" you answered as you refrained a smile to creep up your lips to the point it tingled as much as the hand he had touched.

"T-try harder? Does that mean you'll accept me sooner or later? Ya! Y/N! Ya!"

You already were walking away as he was shouting with a big smile on his face, brightened by the few words you had just said, while you were hating yourself for being unable to shut your mind whenever he was with you. He could open you like a book and read freely between your lines. If even a coffee could make your stomach bubble with happiness, did you just kill your willpower to stay safe from him by telling him to try harder? His next move surely was going to sway you, and definitely.

You sat down and knocked your head as a punishment, and even between all the voices chatting around you, you could hear him joyfully laugh, but without noticing how he had straightened proudly in his chair and was looking before him as if he was the king of the world. You had told him to try harder, when he hadn't even really started yet ; you had told him to try harder, meaning you were thinking of letting him in somehow.

You took the cup in your hands while the teacher was sorting his things out on the desk, and you discovered Changkyun had written the date as well as an Enjoy! that made your heart quiver a little. You quickly looked over your shoulder to find him focusing on his computer, his sharp eyes apparently reading something, and when he combed his greyish-brown hair with his hand, you bit your lip and turned around, finding yourself ridiculous for being shook by such a mere move.

"Someone's determineeeed" Solhee half whispered half sang as she pointed the cup, and you nudged her while grumbling, wanting to forget the pleasant effect you still were floating in as you were trying to be as tough as possible.

But you soon understood you wouldn't last long, as chance was trying hard to discourage you.

  ***

  Wednesday. Changkyun had let you the space you had prayed for on Tuesday afternoon, satisfied with the phrase you had told him that made his day the shiniest it could have been. He had been so energetic and excited all day long that back at the dorms, his roommate had started to worry when he had noticed him shake abruptly his feet under the covers, as at each time he had remembered your voice in his head telling him to Try harder, he had felt love send him some electric shocks down to the bottom of his body. Changkyun felt totally different now that he had opened himself ; he realized he had leaded a poor life, trying too hard to push back his feelings, as now that he had, he felt lighter and happier, the spark in his chest not bugging him but making him feel alive.

On Wednesday afternoon, the humanitarian association from your university organized a big flea market, where students’ clothes they had given were sold for low prices, and the funds were going to be used for charity causes. You went to take a look with Solhee, willing to donate something, and you started to go crazy as more and more beautiful clothes were in front of you on the big tables installed on the grass, giving you a headache as you wanted to take everything and nothing at the same time.

Your eyes glued to the sleeve of an oversized yellow and brown checkered shirt, its thick but soft fabric showing its quality, so you dug like an adventurer looking for its treasure or an architect discovering a mysterious but precious antiquity under the ground. Once you got the hold of it, your heart fell in love with the piece at first sight, from its sunflower color to its good condition to the black hood it had, making it even more special to you. Who would throw this out seriously? You slipped on the shirt and once you got an approbation from Solhee that ensured you you looked "amazingly amazing", you bought it, happy to have found your happiness and to help whatever great cause the association was pursuing.

You hadn't seen Changkyun yet, neither in the morning as you had different classes, nor now at the flea market – wait, why do you mind Y/N? Still the shirt on above your black top, you walked to your next class with a smile on your lips, but when you entered the building's hall, you almost fell from your brutal stop as you saw the exact person you were thinking of seconds ago.

Chance had pushed again your steps into his path – or the reverse – but your heart still wasn't used to his sudden appearances in your sight as its pace increased – as always though. He had that lazy but attractive vibe again, with his coat misplaced on his shoulder and his cap not fully planted on his head ; and just with that, just with a casual outfit and a careless demeanor, he had your eyes focusing on him only and your mind finding him cute, and you laughed internally at yourself. He had a coffee cup in his hands, one you recognized immediately because of the two others he had already offered you, and by the moment you took a new step before you to flee the crime scene of him killing you by planting an umpteenth arrow in your heart, his eyes landed on your silhouette in front of the glass entrance.

However, what destabilized you even more than coming across him and that froze you into your place, was how big they became, how red his cheeks turned but above all, how a gigantic smile gained his thin lips, curving them slightly down as his signature, and you guessed he sighed before walking to you. I have to go.

"I'll go catch us some seats" Solhee whispered as she winked at you, before disappearing like a thief in the crowd, leaving you as a defenseless bay that its predator was going to eat in one bite.

Changkyun was floating as he grew closer and closer to you, and even if he was becoming inane day by day because of you, he didn't care as chance, or fate, was definitively in favor of you being together.

"Hey Y/N, wow… Wow I don't… I don't believe it, really!" he exclaimed, his sentence messy as he was overwhelmed by the situation.

"What are you talking about?" you asked, confused and flustered by his presence so close to you.

You loved when you could see his forehead, highlighting the beautiful eyes and face he had. How hard you must have fell for him, damn.

"That's my shirt, Y/N! That's… Yes, that's the fucking shirt I dropped for the flea this morning, that's mine! And who bought it… Out of thousands of students? That's you! I can't… No I can't believe it. This, is amazing, wow" he expired, the tone of his voice way much higher as he was excited, and you felt his emotions drown on you.

Your body started to respond to the mixed-feelings rising in your body as your brain processed his words, butterflies again fighting in your stomach, tachycardia, wobbling legs… And eyes that couldn't detach themselves from his smiling face that was warming you, making your palms sweaty. This can't be.

"You gotta be fucking kidding me" you barely breathed, searching the sign of a joke in his eyes.

Changkyun said nothing and simply took his wallet out of his bomber's pocket, not without struggles as he still had the – your? – drink in one of his hands, but when he opened the leather object, he took out a small and crumpled piece of paper from it with his long pianist fingers and presented it to you.

"See! I told you, that's mine, it's a picture from the kindergarten I worked at with Jooheon after I left the market last summer!" he protested, pointing at the very shirt he was wearing on the pictures you were staring at, your heart at the verge of exploding as well as your nerves that were hardly handling it.

"So that's where you had been hiding…" you stated with an ounce of despise, the memory of him abandoning you and the granny still quite painful to you, and even if the apron he was wearing was making him funny, your joyful and kidding side was totally shut off by your confusion.

Your eyes fell down to the fabric on you, and the sudden panic rising in you made you urge yourself to get rid of it but the boy stopped you, his hands catching the falling material on your shoulders to put it in its place again.

"Seriously?" he asked you in a quiet tone, his eyes piercing through you and giving you chills because of their defying – yet loving – stare. "And last time when I said sorry for everything, it included dropping the grandma and you too." he specified, the guilt encouraging him to do so.

"How can you change so much?" you whispered involuntarily, and you bit your lip in regret that he heard it.

"I didn't change, I just stopped lying to myself, Y/N. Looks like I was a great actor, as you thought the old Changkyun was the real me" he joked, his shoulders going slightly up and down as he laughed, his hands still in their position at the base of your neck.

"I don't want to keep it anymore, let me undress" you grumbled, looking away from his face that was stealing your confidence.

"Nope, you liked it so just keep it. I can't believe it seriously" he laughed again, his eyes closing this time as his head rolling back, making his cap almost fall. "Hey, once again, I'm the only one to laugh at how we're meant to be, when you had been the first to back in the bus."

With a move of your shoulders, you got rid of his grasp on you as the touch was making you numb on the inside, disturbing you in a pleasant way when you didn't want to.

"How we're meant to be?" you laughed too, but sarcastically as you knew those words were what you had thought once but had stopped to believe in as he had been cutting the red string seemingly linking the both of you.

And now, he was trying to knot it again. How amazing.

"Believe it or not, there's one thing you still can't deny : our mutual feelings" he replied, his sly smile taking its famous place.

"You talk about it as if it's not a big deal and it's simple, you're incredible" you scoffed, rolling your eyes at the same time.

How can he be so relaxed to talk about his feelings? How can he word them so easily?

"Hmmmm it could be simple, but you're making it harder. And… why should I refrain myself, when I'm with the first person that should know about it?" he asked without asking, and as you had expected – or secretly wished – he gave you the cup, that you took without saying a word, too shook by the situation to fight.

Changkyun felt relieved to see you accept it, so he put his hands in his jacket's pockets before tilting his head to the side.

"Don't you have a class to attend? I don't want you to be late because of me" he proudly said, taking advantage of your weakened state as it amused him to feel him fluster you.

"Everything going wrong in my life is because of you Im Changkyun" you bitched, but when he responded with a smile, you were once again caught short and your heart was once again about to step out of your body to jump at him.

"I know that, but you're still standing there and talking to me…" he answered in a chanting tone, his chin slightly lifted as he liked to do and you wanted to slap him as much as you were craving to take it between your fingers and pull at it until his lips were on yours.

Falling short of replies, you decided to walk away without saying anything instead of stuttering before him, refusing to grant him the pleasure to admire the effect he had on you. And while your feet dragged you further and further from him, you felt defeated as you realized you still had his shirt on, as well as his fucking cup in your hand, both of those items representing the mark he was leaving deeper and deeper under your skin, swaying you to the core.

    ***

    You had spent all day long watching your reflection wearing the shirt in the hallway's glasses or everything that could possibly mirror you, when you had not been staring at the sleeves that fell on your hands as you typed on your computer. You had removed it at first, the second you had entered the class you had been going to before meeting him – to which you had been late in the end – but the chill in the air and the annoyance of Solhee telling you to wear it had made you put it back, smiling doing so as you really liked the clothing in spite of its original owner.

You had had a long day, your brain melt down after getting hotter and hotter from understanding classes and learning new things, and you were now spread on your bed like a beached whale. Solhee and your other friends were finishing later that you – at 10pm if you remembered well – so you were bored. You had finished your homework, your stomach grumbling from hunger all the while and if you had planned to wait for your best friend to enjoy your dinner at the cafeteria later, you were now thinking of going outside campus to eat by yourself. The weather was fine, the night sky without any clouds to be seen, and you were tired of admiring the stars on your ceiling instead of walking in the city streets to see the real ones.

So you put your shoes on, the shirt still carelessly on you as you had gotten used to it during the afternoon, and after writing a small note to your roommate signaling her you were going to have dinner outside, you went to the exit. Forgetting your purse on your desk. And the moment you closed the door, the one of your front neighbor opened and when you turned around to greet her, your hand still on the door knob, you were met with the back of a him, his greyish-brown hair you knew too damn much, the same kaki bomber, the same cap, the same nonchalance from before and this time you gasped loudly, frightened at the sight.

Changkyun jumped and turned around too, his eyes going wide for the second time of the day because of you but this time he didn't smile, as he truly was as shocked as you. Why the hell is he coming out from a girls' dorm room???????

"Amazing" he breathed before finally letting a smile gain his lips. "This is fucking amazing."

He started to laugh wholeheartedly, making squeaking noises, and at some point he had to hold his stomach as it hurt from it. While you were still standing in the same position, quietly looking at him as you were petrified by the ghost he was.

"Still wearing the shirt huh?" he stated proudly once he calmed down, lurking you from your head to your toes while biting his bottom lip.

Fuck.

"What are you doing here? In a girl's dorm? Coming from this room?" you ignored, looking at him suspiciously and, oddly, your heart started to beat quickly in anticipation, as you felt scared of having been deceived by his confession when he could have been a fuckboy like at the pool party.

But as comfortable as he seemed right now, you reasoned yourself and concluded he wouldn't have been doing things with some girl behind this door, or else he would have felt ashamed to confront you. Right…?

"Wowowo calm down Inspector" he joked, his hands coming in front of him as a defense. "We have a study group in here, because we can't talk freely in the library. You wanna check?" he asked with his cocky smile, starting to push the door he hadn't fully closed yet.

"No thanks, are you serious?" you scoffed, your heart finally feeling at ease even if your brain was still processing the fact that Changkyun was a real human being randomly appearing in your life due to circumstances, and not a fucking ghost.

"I don't know, you looked so jealous right now and I want us to be clear" he shrugged, finally closing the gap before leaning his back against the door.

"And why are you the only one coming out if you're a group?"

Y/N SHUT UP!!!!!!

"Because I was hungry and that's kinda boring out there so I made up an excuse" he answered, scratching his eyes at the same time, and he felt glad that you were interested. "Theeeen I realized I forgot my keys in my dorm room, so I have to catch my roommate somewhere on campus before he goes home, it's his dongsaeng's  birthday tonight."

Keys. My keys. Where are my keys? Where is my purse?! You didn't say anything, turning on your heels to face your own door but even if you tried, you couldn't open it from outside anymore.

"What's wrong?" Changkyun asked, taking a few steps towards you to look over your shoulder as you were standing still, your forehead against the blue-painted structure that was laughing at you.

"Keys. I forgot my keys. Inside. I'm fucking screwed." you mumbled, sighing in defeat as you knocked your fist against the panel in frustration.

You heard him chuckle behind you so you faced him again, irritation clear in your eyes, but he didn't move nor felt frightened even if you were really close to one another.

"Where's Sohee?" he tried and you clearly saw he was fighting his urge to laugh.

"SoLhee, and she's in class 'til ten" you replied with a stern voice, your eyelids suddenly becoming heavy as you were growing jaded by the situation.

"A m a z i n g  I swear. We're even in the same situation right now" he smiled before taking off his cap to comb his hair that was messy.

Stop it. His revelation struck you and you looked at him, suddenly reminded of the curse you both were under and that made you stuck together numerous – too much – times. It seemed to you that it was intensifying lately as you had experienced more than simply coming across each other : in less than a week, you already had acquired three coffees and now one damn shirt that was like the dark aura floating around your cursed self.

"Wow, awesome!" you faked enthusiasm, your fists waving in the air cutely before you dropped your arms to your sides heavily, your smile fading as fast it had come.

How doomed you felt for being locked out, but even more with him being and still there beside you, as if he was waiting for you. You had almost two hours to kill, and your stomach screamed at you to go find something to eat instead of knotting it because of Changkyun's presence, so you started to trail your feet towards the elevator.

"W-Where are you going?" he stuttered, surprised by your sudden move.

"To mind my own business, and so should you" you answered without turning around to acknowledge  him, putting your hands in the empty pockets of your jeans.

"My business to mind is right here, so Imma come with it" he replied back as he sped up to pass by you, before walking backwards to look at your annoyed expression he had learned to love.

"Leave me alone Changkyun!"

You were edgy because of his amazed reactions every time you met now, when he hadn't been like that before, as you feared he felt in love just because of chance sticking the both of you together, and that those repeated circumstances were blinding him and forcing him to think you were meant to be. When you had finally stopped thinking like that and had put both of your feet back on the ground, you still had felt your feelings burning for him, and you didn't need to think of fate to feel amazed at his sight every time you randomly met. You were flustered because of him, not because of whatever thing was bonding the both of you. But what about him…?

Once you reached the elevator, you pressed the button and waited for the right moment to push him out of the cabin by surprise, and before he could protest, the doors closed in his face, hushing his voice laced with a laugh. You prayed he wouldn't be down the moment you'd arrived, so that you could lose him in the huge campus to enjoy your time alone. You found yourself laughing joyfully at your own childish behavior, but once you reached the ground zero, your amused self came across his short-of-breath one that was leaning against the wall next to the elevator's entrance, looking at you with disbelief in his eyes.

"You ran? Are you crazy?" you exclaimed as you came out of the cabin, mixed between surprise and annoyance that he still was around you.

"Thought you would get rid of me that easily huh?" he breathed between gasps, then he followed you to the exit as you quickened your pace to get away from him.

"Leave me alone, don't you have keys to look for?" you stopped in your tracks in an empty alley leading to the university's huge gates, lightened by street lights that circled around your silhouette and his, as if you were in the spotlight.

"I don't mind sleeping in the corridor anymore… If I met you again like that, it means I should stay with you" he said in his deep voice, his words barely understandable as he was getting flustered by your beautiful face in the deep night.

He had mentioned it again, and your fears were eating you more and more, even if you tried to listen to your best friend's wise words about how sincere he must be considering all the evidences pointing at it. But as he had talked about how he should stay with you because he had randomly met you, you felt like his choices were guided by nothing more than that, and that there weren't any feelings after all. Maybe you were starting to over think it, way too over, but you were so scared of him.

"You know what? I think I preferred when you resented me, you're being near clingy right now!" you finally exclaimed, louder than what you had wished but it probably was your heart speaking for itself.

Changkyun blinked a few times, surprised at your sudden outburst, but he surprised himself even more when he shouted, as a rush of frustration rose in him :

"Then what do you want me to do?!!!"

You stared at each other silently for a few seconds, and both of you felt your hearts going crazy as something close to regret touched them. But if the both of you had your own concerns, Changkyun starting to wonder if he had been too excited about him liking you and how wonderful he felt about that, he wasn't willing to shut it down another time as he had learned what was the source of you growing apart : the misunderstandings and unsaid.

"To stop trying so hard to get to me, okay? I need time and you're oppressing me!" you responded before he could ask you calmly what was wrong, but your gauge of patience was almost emptied up.

"Oh yeah? That's not what you told me yesterday morning!" he scoffed, feeling slightly hurt at your change of mind.

"I don't know why I said that, but just stop. You can't do as you please when I don't want it, not after all this time." you coldly answered, and you looked at him as he took off his cap once again to ruffle his hair, apparently in irritation as a long sigh escaped his thin lips.

He had to understand you and to remain calm, but it was a hard intern war as his annoyed and frustrated self wanted to curse at you and the coward you were being since he had confessed.

"So that's how you felt when I was denying? I get it…" he mumbled as he nodded, staring at some emptiness into the ground. "But you tell me, Y/N. How can you resent me because I was scared of my feelings and rejected you, when you're doing the exact same thing to me right now?" he then asked, pointing at himself with his ringed index.

He got it, how hurt you must have been as he was feeling hurt at the moment. But he had to do what you hadn't dared to : shake you a little and keep going to you, when you had preserved yourself by turning away from him at some point. Changkyun wouldn't turn away unless he was sure you didn't like him back ; and, right now, he felt that you did, but that you were going to stand on the edge scared to fall in the unknown until he'd prove to you he had already jumped to catch you at the end. And the fact that you were lost for words proved him right, and gave him hope. You were indeed the one being scared and pushing him away, but that was the same behavior he had had all this time – at least if you still believed in his confession.

"Tell me what's really wrong with me being around you, Y/N. And then I'll stop, I just… I might act carelessly, I know… But that's the first time this ever happened to me y'know." he calmly tried without moving an inch, letting you the space along with the time you seemed to need.

Your brows furrowed and you sighed while closing your eyes, some unwelcomed tears forming under your eyelids without you being able to explain why. Maybe it was because you sensed he was willing to listen to you and not pressure you. And with the magical power he only had on you, you were about to unfold your concerns right in front of him even if admitting you were scared was the worst for you.

"You're here talking about chance all the time, and that's so annoying. You can't force it you know, and if that's the only thing that makes you think you like me or the fact that we're always stucked with each other somehow, then you should stop right away because that's lying to yourself." you said, almost without breathing, and you finally opened your eyes.

And here you were again, making assumptions about his state of mind because he had acted carelessly. Changkyun sighed and he took his first step towards you, but not more, his cap now crushed in his hand as he had tightened his grasp around it, his will to make you stop thinking silly things burning his insides.

"I'm using it as an excuse, Y/N." he started, and he saw your traits relax just with this statement. "It's just giving me courage to go to you, without going back because I'm fucking scared of… What you make me… Feel. I don't care, about fate or not, chance or not, misfortune or not. I don't care, I'm just… I'm grateful that now that I have confessed, I have something backing me up and preventing me from being the coward I was before."

He felt his cheeks burning from embarrassment as he had spoken his heart once again because of you, when it was so hard for him to do even with his friends or family.

"You want something from me that hasn't anything to do with fate? Okay." he finished without letting you process the words he had just said, as he was already closing the distance between the both of you until he was a few inches away.

The street lamp was shining upon him, and you felt your lips tingle at the sight of his so close you could only look at them. But soon enough, you couldn't see them anymore as they were on yours, while his hands dropped his hat to place themselves on your cheeks and deepen the kiss he was giving you without you having seen it coming. And if you still hadn't chosen at this point whether you considered him like an angel appearing in your life or the devil itself purchasing you like your shadow, it definitely felt like heaven when you kissed. From the stars you were seeing to the ones invading your body to the point it felt ticklish and thrilled at every edge, it was perfect, and you didn't want it to end as you had waited for this moment to reenact since the pool party 6 months ago. You could feel he had craved for it too from the way he was expiring loudly from his nose, the hot air brushing your face, and when he parted from you, you had the chance to notice he still had his eyes closed for a few seconds as you had kept yours open, due to the surprise.

"That, was me wanting it." he finally said in the deepest voice he ever had, as well as his tone that was so quiet you were the only one who could hear what he was saying.

He took back his hands while still looking at you through hooded eyes, and you felt hotter and hotter the more you lost yourself in them, wanting to take him in your arms and kiss him again without stopping. You liked him so much, too damn much, but then Solhee's words to make him run knocked into your head as well as your pride, and you slightly straightened yourself to hide how flustered you were by a kiss that hadn't been more than three seconds – when it had felt like ten for the both of you.

"I act according to what I want, and the thing up there surely hadn't expected it right?" he smiled and you noticed some sweat forming on his forehead. "So what do you say now? If I oppress you, then I'll stop… If you're sure you don't want nor like me, I'll understand… But you have to tell me, so we can get what's on each other's minds... Instead of ruining everything because we didn't know."

Once again, you were facing a new side of Im Changkyun ; a manly and caring one, and once again, you fell harder for him, every single part of him, everything he did. Yet, you didn't want to rush anything and let yourself get caught so easily after having doubted the second before. You now trusted his words when he had said he'd prove it to you, so you were willing to see a bit more of what he had to show, as what he had just done had already provoked an earthquake inside your whole body.

"Let's grab something to eat." you simply answered, a smile taking its place on your lips before you turned around and started walking again.

Changkyun stopped breathing for a few seconds and once he had your back facing him, he screamed out loud to expel the emotions that had piled up in him. He didn't know himself how he had been able to stand up before you when daring to kiss you had absorbed every ounce of strength in him, leaving him as a piece of marshmallow that was melting and melting due to the fire of emotions burning inside of him. Damn, I'm really good at bluffing.

"So is this our first date?" he finally joked, taking his hat on the ground before jogging behind you, and you chuckled as you shook your head.

"Nope! That's just me taking back my wish for you to stop trying harder…"

Changkyun caught up to your pace and you walked side by side to the exit, a smile pulling at the corner of your lips that were still prickling from the kiss you had shared.

    ***

    "Aaaand... what about the fact that we kissed?" Changkyun finally asked, once you were seated at a fast food making your nose happy to smell the scents of the gross but delicious food on your plate.

You knocked his tibia with your feet under the table as he was sitting in front of you, because you felt flustered by his question and the assurance he had when he talked about it. You wanted to keep your emotions at bay for as long as you could ; because if you listened to your heart right now, you'd already be his.

"You stole it from me, so that doesn't mean anything boy. Who says you're not going to kiss another girl after like the last time you kissed me..." you mumbled before you pecked in your french fries to shove two into your mouth.

"I-I... what?" he scoffed, his eyes rolling at the same time. "You're incredible."

He looked at your starving self eating compulsively and he smiled, not even annoyed by the remark you just threw at him. He actually found it cute that you were still bothered by this, showing him once again you still liked him.

"Alright alright, I'll give you that." he shrugged as he got a hold of his huge hamburger that he placed in front of his mouth.

He opened it wide two or three times without putting the piece of food into it, estimating how much of it would enter and he tilted his head to the side in doubt it ever would. You couldn't hold back your laugh this time, his expressions and unwanted funny actions making him adorable, and Changkyun looked at you with curious eyes, not getting what you were laughing at.

"What? What? What?" he threatened, his chin leveling up each time to defy you.

"You don't realize what you do, huh?" you asked between two chuckles and you ate more fries, shaking your head in disbelief.

He narrowed his eyes but his grumbling stomach prevented him from answering back, as he finally tried to eat his hamburger that had been decomposing itself in his long hands. And as expected, he spilled some sauce on his face and his clothes doing so, making you burst into laughter as you had waited for this moment to come. Changkyun closed his eyes in annoyance and dropped his food before starting to wipe himself without saying a word, but as he looked at his white shirt painted in yellow and red, he sighed in defeat and finally looked at you with your smiling lips around the straw of your drink.

"I think I should stop wearing white around you. Every time I do my shirt does not last long!" he complained, some sauce still on his right cheek and you were pondering between telling him or not.

His remark made you think back of the moment when everything had started between the both of you : had it not been for your clumsiness, you probably would never have met him, you probably would never have been constantly guided to him, you probably would never have been sitting with him right now with your heart beating loudly and your hands aching to touch him.

"I think you should stop being around me" you dared to joke and his face fell until he saw a smile gaining your lips with your teeth showing.

"Wow... If you had been serious, I... I would've kissed you again, looks like that's the only thing that makes you realize you actually like me" he threatened, leaning his left elbow on the table to point at you with his index.

"Yeah sure" you brushed off even if his declaration made your legs go numb – AS ALWAYS THOUGH.

"Don't tempt me."

"Don't get too full of yourself."

"And don't act like you don't care, who said I was a good kisser? Oh right... Y o u."

He was about to take another bite of his hamburger, staring at you with pride in his eyes but when you hit him under the table again, the pain made him miss his perfect calculated mouthful and his nose went right into the piece of junk food.

"Fuck you..." he hissed with his hands full of dirt, and he moaned when he saw he hadn't anything to clean himself up anymore.

He felt ridiculous because you were laughing crazily at his sight, but pity – or guilt – finally took the best of you so you grabbed some of your tissues and you presented it to him in both of your hands. However, you should've known how crazy and unpredictable Changkyun was, as instead of taking the papers, he threw his head right into your hands and wiped it by rubbing it against your palms, his hair brushing your forearms.

"Gross" you quietly said when in reality you were looking at him with surprise in your eyes, the feel of his nose and face in your palm tickling each cell of your skin even with the thin material separating them.

"Nope" he answered as he left the side of his face into your palms, with his eyes almost closed. "Original, I'm not for the cliché of you wiping my face lovingly."

He didn't know why he was acting this way, yet it felt as if his cheek was now glued to your hands so that he couldn't move it from them anymore. His eyelids felt heavy but he could see through his long lashes your thumb that seemed to be trembling, so he smiled, some hot air escaping from his nose.

"I wouldn't have done it anyway." you laughed as you truly wouldn't have, you just had thought about leaving him with the lonely stain he had a few minutes ago. "Now move, I'm not a pillow!" you ordered, waving your fingers that were near his sharp jawline you felt contracting in annoyance.

"Is my head heavy? That means there's a huge brain in it, I knew it! Even the teacher said it to you, remember?" he proudly reminded as he straightened himself in his seat.

You crushed hardly the previoulsy white paper, hoping he would understand your response from this cruel move, and you retired your hands. Changkyun was still smiling until he looked at his poor hamburger with defiance, a pout forming on his reddened lips, as he was scared to eat it again now that he felt like a baby who couldn't eat without an apron. So instead, he decided to wait for you to finish your menu without saying a word, only appreciating sharing such a simple moment in your company for the first time in your relationship. No questions in his head, no will to bash you, no need to run away ; he could stay seated here for hours just to stare at you, in his fucking checked shirt, the silence calming and leaving him dreamy about how bad he wanted you to be officially his.

You finally took your last bite, and while you tried to convince him to finish his own plate – a little fight that you lost the moment he bent over the table and threatened to kiss you if you didn't let it go –, the clock reached 10:30pm when the curfew was at 11. The both of you rushed out of the restaurant, and you got hit by how time had fled really fast with him, eating in silence not even making you uneasy nor being with him for that long.

"See you tomorrow" Changkyun lazily said in his deep voice once you arrived at the dorms, you going to the building on the right and him going to the left one.

You saw in the way he was keeping some distance between the both of you, balancing back and forth on his heels and keeping his hands in his pockets, that he was forcing himself not to do something. Deep down in you, you wished he would ; you wished he would close that distance and kiss you as the reasonable girl you were trying to be couldn't allow herself to, even if she was dying inside from the lack of skinship.

"I guess" you smiled, suddenly growing shy under his stare.

"Oh my goodness this is so hard" he stifled a moan before biting his lip, and you felt chills going down your spine and freezing you into your spot in anticipation.

Kiss me.

"What is?" you asked when you knew too damn well about what he was talking, as you caught him staring at your lips more than a few seconds.

He screwed his cap on his head and sighed, looking away from you as he was fighting the urge to run to you.

"To have left my burger on its plate, I can't stop thinking about it, what have I done?" he joked randomly, a smile on his lips and you laughed, always amazed by his twisted personality.

"I told you... Anyway, sweet dreams about your guilt!" you quickly wished before turning around and starting to walk to your door, as if you hadn't you surely would have waited for him to come to you all night long.

And Changkyun let you go, as he was well aware of your wish for him to go smootlhy, even if it cost him a frustration that made his heart beat indefinitely crazy even once he put himself into bed – thankfully his roommate had seen his pair of keys in their room and he hid it in some shoes in front of the door. He hoped it would help him feel tired, when he was not ; everything was starting to settle between the both of you, and the excitement he felt about it was energizing him to his fullest.

      ***

      Friday. That made it a few hours before you were seeing Hwimin again. The day before had been a calm one ; without a doubt because Changkyun was as shaken as you by the first intimate moment you both had shared, making you feel weird and shy once you came across each other the next morning. Still, he had offered you the cup of your favorite drink – you had waited for it –, the little note written on it making you smile ridiculously : "Ya, here's my number so text me asap : XX…"

You didn't text him, to annoy him as you found it fun when he was frustrated, and because when you had taken your phone into your hands, you hadn't known what to say. This whole situation was weird in a good way but also too fresh and new for you to deal with it naturally, so you chose to wait for your next encounter face to face instead of having to think of it all day by texting him.

The cup of Friday morning left you curious and eager to meet him again as he secretly gave it to Solhee once she was alone, and she passed it to you : "TEXT ME!!!!!!!!! & listen to Hoseok hyung's song at the concert tonight." The music association was indeed going to have a little concert to start off the party, and you had planned to go to it anyway as you really enjoyed music, even more when it was played live. But now, you felt overexcited about it. What about that song? How did Hoseok had anything to do with the both of you?

You didn't even meet Changkyun once in the day, making you wonder if he had been hiding from you or if it had always been like that and you should stop getting obsessed. Maybe both. And as you spent all day long looking for him without wanting to, your eyes always drifting to your surroundings or outside by the windows when you were in class, the evening came sooner than you thought, and the party was only two hours from now. The anticipation finally hit you as Solhee entered the dorm room even more stressed than you, you could tell it from the messy bun she had to redo four times for it not to fall.

"What am I going to wear? What am I going to wear? Ya, what are you wearing Y/N?" she asked as she opened her small closet while you were staring at the empty cups fighting on your nightstand.

Your best friend turned around at your absence of answer and she put her hands on her hips, disturbed by your apparently laid back state when tonight was crucial for you.

"Y/N?" she called, and you nodded at her. "Should I remind you who's coming tonight for you to wake up or…?"

Hwimin. The name got stuck in your throat as your eyes went big ; you almost had forgot about him as you were only thinking of Hoseok's performance you were eager to see now that Changkyun had talked to you about it.

"Yeaaaah that's what I thought. You have to be the most beautiful grown ass and independent woman you've ever been tonight my girl, so that he regrets twice to have left you that dumbass chicken!" she commanded before going to you to take your hands and pull at it, making you stand up in no time and rush to your own closet.

"And how do I do that?" you pouted, still out of your mind that was filled with blurred images of your ex and clear as water ones of Changkyun.

"You. Get. Dressed up. Like. A. Queen. But not too much, it's only an integration party after all… Do you have a compromise between casual and fucking gorgeous?" she asked as she dived into your own closet full of clothes that were starting to fight for space, and you stood behind her.

"Does that even exist?" you wondered out loud, your brows furrowing but a smile on your face as your best friend was funny without even trying.

"You have to make it exist, Y/N! Oh my god you'll have to thank me later for raising you…" she mumbled. "And I need you to be determined girl! There's Changkyun to make head over heels for you too!" she added as her voice got muted by the location of her head between the hangers.

You chuckled, as her determination itself was worth those of five people. You were excited about tonight, yes, but some bad feeling about Hwimin's return in your sight had now started to grow itself into your chest to the point you felt uneasy to go at all. What would you say? What would he say? What did he want?

"And why are you so excited about tonight, hm?" you finally spoke up, patting her back as she was struggling to pull a top out of your messy shelves.

She moaned one last time as she finally got a hold of a few articles hanging around her arm, and she threw them on your bed before clapping her hands in satisfaction.

"You know that guy in law major that I talked to you about but that you've never seen because you and him have no classes in common when I luckily do?" she spoke quickly without breathing, as she combed the baby hair dressed around her face after the effort it had took to find you something to wear.

"Yeeeees…?" you smiled, feeling suddenly excited that your best friend had a goal tonight too.

"Well of course he's coming tonight, and I've decided to take some action you know! I talked to him from time to time, but I have to try to reach him out of class!" she explained before going back to her own closet.

"What about you show me a picture? How come you never had before…"

You saw your best friend's back tense up before your eyes, while her fingers tapped against the open door of her wardrobe and her neck turned red in an instant. You bit back a laugh, because what she wasn't aware of yet, was that you already knew who that handsome man was, and that you definitely couldn't hide something from each other : you had known it from the first time she had talked to you about him a few weeks ago. You just wanted to tease her a little more as seeing her avoiding the subject or growing uneasy about it was making you cackle inside. She was so cute when she was making lame excuses, and even more when she felt guilty.

"I-I… What about later? Let's get ready fir-"

"Solhee-ah. It's Park Gyujeong, isn't it?" you cut her with a sweet voice, wanting to show her you weren't mad at all.

Knowing her by heart, you had guessed why she would hide it from you for the time being, probably scared to hurt you as she had crushed on your ex's best friend. When in fact, you couldn't be happier for her to have find interest in someone – she was so complicated when it came to love, more than you –, moreover in him when last year he obviously had ran after her but she had played hard to get.

"F-For… For how long have you known?" she stuttered, still her back facing you as shame had frozen her into her place.

"Day 1 babe, you can't hide anything from me, sorry!" you joked and she finally looked at you, guilt clear in her teary eyes.

"I'm so sorry…" she broke down into a sob but you quickly grabbed her free hand to calm her down.

"Hey hey hey don't be! I'm not mad at you, not at all! Gyujeong is a sweet guy, and he isn't Hwimin! He wasn't even okay with his decision you know!" you reassured her as you rubbed your thumb against the palm of her hand that was burning.

"Why aren't you mad? I've hidden it from you…" she pouted, her head hung low.

"Why would I be? I'm glad you finally listened to me when I told you he could be a good guy for you" you chuckled and she did too, feeling relieved.

"How did you know…?" she shyly asked, still not looking at you as she sniffled hard to fight a few tears from coming.

"I've seen you like every single one of his Instagram posts lately. Since when have you done that with a guy? You don't even like the ones from your older brother, but when Gyujeong posts a selfie or even a ridiculous picture of a squirrel eating a nut on campus, here solheejolie likes immediately!" you teased and she shook your hand in protest, whines leaving her mouth.

You both cracked into a huge laughter until she suddenly took you in her arms, her chin resting on your shoulder and you could feel her heartbeat calm down second by second.

"I'm so sorry, I should've told you… We're not something yet, but he tries so hard I swear I had no choice but to fall for him… With all the pretty girls around he still hasn't given up on me yet, can you believe that? How come we have charging bulls coming after us you and me?"

You patted her back once again before tightening your arms around her small frame.

"I don't know, but that's better than cowards, hm? Now let's get ready to make them go crazy with our casual but fucking gorgeous style" you answered with a smile and your best friend finally let go of you, a rush of excitement surfing in her whole body.

"Oh yes, let's get ready!”

    ***

    An hour and half, a few debates about what to wear, a makeup and nail-art workshops later, Solhee and you were finally satisfied with your appearances and nothing was taking the smiles away from your lips, not even the thought of reuniting with Hwimin that was still lingering in your mind. The party was held in a rented party room you could went to by taking shuttles departing from the university, and you felt confident as you approached the loud parking where dozens of students were waiting, some taking their own cars and others waiting like you. And as you had expected, a lot of girls had dressed as if they were going to a gala, while most of guys had stayed the same.

You had opted for a velvet camisole in night blue and black, with a pair of black high waisted ankle jeans that could show off your fancy sparkling socks in your platform derbies ; a casual bottom offsetting the sexy of the lacework plunge neck you had, taking your style right where Solhee had wanted it to be. You had put a dark lipstick on as your fatal weapon, and there you were walking hands in hands with your best friend in her simple but chic black playsuit with detailed tights and low boots. You lined before one of the buses that had its motor roaming, and as you turned your head to your right to answer Solhee's question about the location, you finally saw him.

The spark in your chest exploded in those fireworks you were now getting used to, as it seemed like you barely felt alive when you couldn't feel them at least once a day, and you stared at the beautiful man who hadn't seen you yet, while he had already all your attention.

He was freaking handsome, even if he looked quite tensed as his eyes were narrowed and his jaw clenched, and you wondered what was on his mind. Your body had a hard time resisting going through the crowd to stand next to him, but thankfully every bus's doors opened, creating a movement that dragged you towards one of the vehicles and made you lose the sight of him. Your heart beat faster and faster now that you had seen his face again, and you felt bitter to have been deprived from it in the speed of light.

However, your sorrow didn't last long, as once you were seated and your bus was apparently full, a member from the students' association organizing the party appeared up the stairs and asked :

"Is there a remaining place in there? We've got a student who couldn't find one in the other bus!"

The moment Changkyun's head appeared behind him, an annoyed look plastered on his face, your mouth ran dry and your members froze when you had wanted to invite him next to you, willing to take Solhee into your lap. But the latter took action quicker than you as she got up from her seat to go onto a friend's lap in the other row, before screaming : "There! There!" to the boys' attention. Changkyun moved past the guy that had helped him, walking to your seat without thinking twice and not even acknowledging his neighbor that appeared to be you. You sent Solhee a daring look but she only winked at you, mouthing a sly you have so many things to be grateful for, and suddenly he appeared between the both of you, eating all your sight as you still had your chest turned in his direction.

You finally leaned back in your comfy seat, looking outside as you felt shy for an unknown reason – maybe his gorgeous face and outfit that were taking the best of you –, and you even tried to hide your face by sticking it to the window.

"Y/N?" his low voice asked and you slowly turned your head to him before smiling, killing him in an instant.

Changkyun's jaw dropped before he could even prevent it, as your dressed-up self appearing before him was exactly what he had anticipated tonight, as much as he had imagined it a thousand times. Those tinted lips that called for his, this sexy but glam bodysuit that made him gulp, your flowery and fresh perfume that drown him once more into the wave of emotions you made him feel ; everything swayed him in an instant and he instinctively bit his lip to refrain some inappropriate words from coming out of his mouth. Jesus fucking Christ she's marvelous I want to-

"Hi" you finally spoke up, and the both of you looked – or lurked – at each other for a few more seconds, your palms growing sweaty from the proximity as well as your legs starting to tremble because of the inch of his knee touching yours.

The bus started and drove away but this sudden move didn't pop the bubble you both were in, until Changkyun looked away and sighed, expelling his inner desires that were about to make him kiss you right here right now. And I haven't drunk yet…

"What's in there?" you asked, pointing at a leather bag he had in hands and he urged himself to hide it between his legs.

Shit.

"Huuuuh another coat, in case I'm cold" he lied, his heart beating like crazy at the fright of getting caught.

He had something special prepared for you tonight, and seeing you right before the surprise was making him go out his mind and stress about it even more. He couldn't get himself ready mentally anymore, ass he had counted on the bus trip to help him do so.

You only nodded at his response, still looking suspiciously at the bag, but thankfully for him you were too monopolized by the luck you had to be sitting next to him to overthink about its real content.

"Ah right, I should've brought one too…" you regretted as you pressured your hands against your thighs to calm the fuck down.

"You haven't?! So you're going to stay all night with this one small piece of fabric on you?!" he questioned, turning to you with his hands clenched on the armrests and you read some kind of distress in his eyes.

You jumped at his sudden examination that sounded like a scold and his body that got closer to yours made you stick to the window and retreat as much as possible.

"Yeah… yeah. Why? Do you find it ugly?" you worried, looking at yourself with knitted brows.

But seeing him shake his head vigorously from the left to the right reassured you immediately, and you understood it was quite the opposite.

"No no… it's just…" he trailed his words, his eyes falling from yours eyes to your lips to your collarbones where he stopped before falling back in his seat, lifting his hand to rub his nose bridge with his fingers in order to calm the fuck down too.

You hummed to invite him to pursue, and a smile gained your lips as you saw his ears turn to a bright red color, showing obviously the effect you had on him right now.

"Nothing, nothing…" he tried to dodge in a sigh, his eyes drifting to the hallway on its right because if he looked once more at you, he'll lose it.

"Are you drunk? Is it your personal alcohol stock for tonight in that bag?" you teased, amazed to see him grow uneasy just by being near you.

For once, you were the one having an excellent poker face and mastering your emotions.

"What?! No, no I'm… I'm just tired, you know? It'll go once we're there but I'm just tired, yeah, I'm tired, that's different." he corrected, but as he nodded again and again with his eyes closed, it looked like he was just trying to convince himself.

"I got it, you're tired, no need to ramble grandpa" you laughed and you sat comfortably again in your seat, spreading a little bit more your legs so that you really touched his and you felt them tense under the touch, making you fight an urge to laugh more.

Changkyun wasn't looking at you and he was cursing under his breath ; he had to focus, he had to do things right tonight, he had to-

"What about Hoseok's song?" you suddenly asked and Changkyun's eyes grew wide.

"Can we not talk about that please? You'll see!" he moaned as he rubbed his face with his right hand and his brows furrowed, so did yours as you were confused by his attitude.

"Someone's a bit sensitive tonight…" you concluded, a frown on your face and your neighbor quickly caught it from the corner of his eye, feeling a bit sorry to seem rude but he was struggling right now. "Ah no right, you're tired."

And with that, you looked by the window and just let him be, a bit disappointed by this electric encounter as you had been eager to see him again. But it didn't break your good mood, as you had been able to read his mind about what he thought about your looks tonight. Casual and fucking gorgeous, bingo.

  You arrived at the location, a warehouse situated in a deserted industrial zone, and as soon as your feet touched the ground, Changkyun looked over his shoulder and said to your attention :

"I'll see you later."

And with that, he was absorbed by the mass of students going straight to the entrance and you tilted your head, the curiosity eating more and more of the patience you had tried to gather. You entered the warehouse not too long after, and its wideness as well as its club vibe astonished both you and your best friend who started to jump next to you.

You stormed to the stage facing the entrance, going past the cloakroom on your left with two students taking care of people's belongings, going back and forth between the counter and the countless rows of hangers behind them. You didn't even stopped by the bar longing the left wall, where students had rushed to first, as your goal was to be in the front rows tonight, ready to be all eyes on whatever Hoseok was going to do and all ears for whatever he was going to sing. You were destroying Solhee's hand in yours, but the girl couldn't care less as all she did was the same, looking around the both of you to track her pray for the night that hadn't appeared yet.

Ten minutes later, all the lights went off except the colorful but warm spotlights lightening the stage, and you screamed along with the other spectators that were excited to see the show tonight. Once the little concert started, you felt your heart squeeze every time the song changed but without Hoseok – nor Changkyun in the public – to be seen, but you tried as well as you could to enjoy the performances of the talented musicians and singers that were covering lively songs to warm you up.

Suddenly, the world stopped spinning around you when you recognized the muscular guy entering the stage, a beanie on his bleached hair and a leather jacket on that suited him well, and his bright smile seemed to absorb every single particle of light that was in the room. You put your hand on your heart as you anticipated whatever Changkyun wanted you to see tonight, and then the musicians started playing, a melody everybody knew including you, catching your breath in your throat.

 I know your insides are feeling so hollow

And it's a hard pill for you to swallow, yeah

But if I fall for you, I'll never recover

If I fall for you, I'll never be the same

 I really wanna love somebody

I really wanna dance the night away

I know we're only half way there

But you can take me all the way, if you take me all the way

I really wanna touch somebody

I think about you every single day

I know we're only half way there

But you can take me all the way, you can take me all the way

 All the shouts and all the voices singing along shut down around you as the only sound you could hear was Hoseok's sweet voice, that married too damn well with the song Love Somebody by Maroon 5, and you were frozen into your place as you faced the happy boy. The more you listened to the lyrics, the more your brows furrowed and your members started to quiver as you getting a hold of why Changkyun had wanted you to pay attention to this song in particular ; but somewhere in the corner of your head, you couldn't believe it. Could the lyrics be… For me? No… Yes?

 You're such a hard act for me to follow

Love me today don't leave me tomorrow, yeah

But if I fall for you, I'll never recover

If I fall for you, I'll never be the same

 Those last two sentences sounded wrongfully right in your ears, reminding you of how sorry Changkyun had been for acting like a coward with you and towards his own feelings, and for the first time in your life, you could identify to a song perfectly, almost hearing the guy you liked whisper those words to you. You started to look around you for any sign of him, a need to see his face and ask him if your guesses were right aching in every part of your quivering and weakening body, but the crowd was too thick for you to see anything or go through it. And even if you had, you wouldn't have found him as Changkyun wasn't among the public.

 I really wanna love somebody

I really wanna dance the night away

I know we're only half way there

But you can take me all the way, if you take me all the way

I really wanna touch somebody

I think about you every single day

I know we're only half way there

But you can take me all the way, you can take me all the way

 I don't know where to start, I'm just a little lost

I wanna feel like we're never gonna stop

I don't know what to do, I'm right in front of you

Asking you to stay, you should stay, stay with me tonight, yeah

 "And shout out to my man… I.M!!!!" Hoseok suddenly screamed in his microphone at the end of the bridge, and under your doe-like eyes appeared the guy you liked on stage, a black shirt on revealing his collarbones in a sexy way that killed you and shook you to the core, but it was nothing compared to the splash of emotions colliding inside your head and against your heart the moment he started rapping.

Rapping about how hard he had fell for you ; rapping about how sorry he was for being late to realize it but hoping he wasn't too late ; rapping about how you both were destined, so he couldn't stop himself from wanting you ; rapping about how weak you made him feel but also stronger every time you looked at him ; rapping about how beautiful he found you ; rapping about how ready he was to be yours and how he wasn't afraid to love you anymore ; rapping about how he was eager to fight for you ; rapping about how he hoped you'd say yes after that.

 “... I’m here rapping my heart out so you can get me

I hope you’ll chose me if you ever wanna love somebody

Girl, take me all the way to our ending together

Girl, take every single bit of me, and make it better.”

 You hadn't detached your eyes from his beautiful silhouette on stage. From his manly moves to his deep killing voice ; from his sincere words to his eyes landed on you once he had found you and that didn't lose their focus after that ; from the sweat drooling on his body to the water he had put under your eyelids ; you loved everything about him, and if this was his proof to you, then you were glad you had waited before accepting him. He couldn't have seduced you more than by confessing to you through a song, even more by surprising you twice as he knew how to rap, more than well. And the loud cheers he earned once he ended his verse were showing how talented he was ; but Changkyun couldn't care less, as he wanted to hear praises from you, and you only, along with your acceptation of his confession.

He got down from the stage and immediately squatted behind, his legs wobbling after the amount of pressure and of emotions he had felt by seeing you watching him with stars in your eyes and a smile brighter than the sun. He did it. He did it, and he hoped you had received his arrow right into your heart, even if he would make up some more to shoot again and again if this wasn't enough for you. Until you were his, or until he'll knew for sure he was targeting the wrong person. The song came to an end and he got up on both of his feet, and his hyung came to congratulate him while he thanked him for having accepted this challenge, and after a quick hug, Changkyun went out of the changing rooms to find you.

You were doing the same, leaving Solhee behind that was as shaken as you by this love declaration worthy of a film, and the beating of your heart was so loud in your ears that you didn't hear the one you were looking for calling your name behind you. Until he got so close that when you turned around, you gasped loudly as his nose almost brushed yours. You took a little step back – with difficulty as there was people surrounding you – and you bit your lip at his wonderful sight, still wet with his hair now combed in the back and his brows furrowed.

"Did you listen well?" he shouted, but you still had your heartbeat filling up your ear-drums as well as the next song played on stage so you didn't hear what he said.

"What?!"

Changkyun repeated once but seeing you didn't react and only laughed, he took you by the hand and guided you to a door in the right corner of the warehouse, leading outside where a smoking room had been improvised – a square of barriers in front of the wire mesh delimiting the industrial zone from a forest. The cold of the night doubled the amount of chills covering your skin, but the fire coming from your hand in his was making you deal with it.

"What did you say in there?" you asked once again.

"Did you listen well?" he replied back, his eyes on you as if you were going to disappear before him in a minute.

A bunch of students got out of the room and congratulated him, and you saw him smile shyly before he dropped your hand to scratch his neck.

"Of course I did." you answered quietly, still a smile on your lips which was starting to make your cheeks ache.

Changkyun nodded and you saw he was shared between relief and disappointment at such a short answer to something so big he had just done for you.

"Thank you. It meant a lot to me." you added, even if it was hard for you to admit it as a part of you was still scared of letting your feelings out so openly.

Changkyun chuckled and he finally sighed out of contentment, before looking at you and those tinted lips he was craving to kiss in reward for his effort. You need to be patient.

"Nice outfit by the way, was that the real content of the bag?" you teased.

"Yes… Hoseok asked me to wear this, I don't know why…" he rolled his eyes and a blush appeared on his cheeks you wanted to take into your hands. What was stopping you from doing it anyway?

"This boy has a good taste in fashion, I've already noticed it!"

"You like that?" he wondered as he showed you the belt around his waist with a frown on his face.

"Yes, I find it kinda cool…" you trailed as your eyes were, in reality, focused on his bare torso revealed under the unbuttoned shirt, as well as the silver chain hanging around his neck that made it look even more attractive.

"Weird… But thanks. I'm still going to go change quickly, wait for me right here, okay?"

He was beautiful, no ; handsome, and you didn't want him to leave your sight right now, but you nodded as you had all night long to spend with him. And if not tonight, all the rest of your time, as your heart was now about to let him enter it gently, not in a rush ; even if his performance had trespassed the numerous obstacles you had put before the entrance –  in vain. You liked him, you liked him, you wanted him, and as you were repeating those sweet words to yourself as they couldn't be said yet, Changkyun disappeared after checking on you one last time.

    ***

    You were trying to remember the lyrics he had rapped, willing to keep every single word coming from his heart into yours, and you didn't notice the two familiar silhouettes approaching the warehouse's entrance at the same time. They stopped in their tracks as they caught you in their sight, a dreamy smile on your face while you were playing with your fingers, so you weren't aware of Hwimin's rush of panic once he saw you, in your well-chosen outfit, while his best friend nudged him gently for him to go to you.

"What do you want me to do? I'll go to her later!" he hissed, and Gyujeong sighed before shoving him with more force.

"C'mon! You're such a coward I swear!" he finally replied back as his best friend didn't move an inch, taking his time to admire in secret the girl he stupidly had left, for as long as he could.

The moment you'd meet again, he won't be allowed to look at you the way he was right now, he knew that too damn well and that was what he regretted the most.

"Y/N!" Gyujeong called and Hwimin snapped his head on his right to look at his best friend as if he was going to kill him with his eyes, to what the taller boy answered by shrugging and smiling mischievously.

The echoing of a familiar voice pierced the bubble you had been in, and when you focused your eyes on a boy who was waving in the distance, you felt as if the sky had fell down on your shoulders. Still sensitive because of the sparkling feelings Changkyun had settled into you and deployed through your numb body, you weren't in the best condition to see him again right now. Hwimin was standing next to Gyujeong who had called you and was smiling at you, while your ex-boyfriend looked in retreat and as shaken as you the second your eyes met. Piece by piece, the picture of his face reconstituted in your head and in every single one of your memories where it had been kind of blurred, becoming clear in an instant and making you feel dizzy at his sight.

Why did it hurt in some way? Why had your legs been about to go to him instinctively and leave the comfortable spot Changkyun had left you in? However, chance had always been in favor of a relationship between Im Changkyun and you, as the latter came back right on time with his black turtleneck on along with his burgundy suede jacket, and he posted himself right in front of you, blocking the majority of your view of Hwimin. You gasped at his sudden appearance and narrowed your eyes as if you had been blinded by some kind of light, and you caught the worry into Changkyun's eyes.

"Are you okay? Let's go inside, you're freezing" he said as his burning hands brushed your naked arms, running down the both of them and leaving their marks as trails of chills traced themselves after their touch, then he got a hold of your left hand.

Changkyun felt brave enough to bait some skinship with you now, and seeing you accept him stimulated him even more, though he still had to go step by step as you had asked from him. You were looking over his shoulder, Hwimin still in the same spot and apparently staring at the both of you, and you felt your heart constrict because of the uneasy situation you felt trapped in. Changkyun was about to turn around to understand what you were looking at with so much interest, not even disturbed by his fingers wrapped around yours, but you had to take action before he could see and bury you into the grave of discomfort :

"Changkyun-ah."

You saw his surprise at your sudden call out, his brows going up and his back suddenly straightening up, but having your eyes on him once again soothed him in some way.

"Hm?" he invited you to continue. "Are you okay?" he reiterated as he tried to turn his head once again to look over his shoulder.

"Look at me." you ordered shyly, as for some unknown reason, you didn't want him to know who Hwimin was as well as the reverse.

Those few words swayed Changkyun and he interpreted them as some kind of green light when in reality they were pronounced out of panic, and feeling your hand squeezing his, he got closer to you, starting to bend down and you understood he was about to kiss you from the way he was looking at you with lust. But you wanted your very first kiss to be pure, truer than you feeling stressed out while sharing this special thing, and right now you couldn't. You couldn't hurt Hwimin by kissing another one in front of him when you hadn't even reunited yet ; you couldn't hurt Changkyun by being anywhere but here with him when this act was supposed to be the most meaningful one in your relationship.

Hwimin was still standing there as he was waiting for something to happen, and when it didn't, he unexpectedly started to walk to you as curiosity – and some jealousy – was urging him to barge into this somehow intimate moment. But having a confrontation between the both of them right at the beginning of the party felt like it would be the end of you, so in a state of panic, you pulled at Changkyun's hand and dragged him along with you inside the warehouse to hide.

"Okay so what was that rush for?" Changkyun asked in your ear once you were far enough from the smoking room, and through the windows you saw Hwimin turn around to walk back to the warehouse's main entrance.

You sighed one last time before your throat definitely tightened as you felt you couldn't lie to him.

"To be honest…It was because my ex was there. He was going to come and-"

"What?"

Changkyun immediately let go of your hand and he turned around abruptly, but as he didn't know what the guy looked like, he stopped before looking at you again, and he could see you were growing smaller and smaller even in the darkness.

"I don't know how to explain-"

"You don't know how to explain what? How you just avoided kissing me because of your ex being here? How do you want me to take that Y/N? Are you ashamed of him seeing you with me? Or maybe you don't want to kiss me in the first place now that he's here? Are you taking your revenge for the pool party?" he burst out, hurt as well as anger clear in his darkening eyes.

Changkyun was even more panicked than you ; he was scared you would go back to him when he had been that close to have you, he was scared he had done everything for nothing so that he'd be disgusted by love forever, and that made him spill nonsense.

"What?! No! Why are you bringing this up?!" you protested, shouting out loud to be heard above the dancing music.

"And why are you bringing your ex up when you said you didn't care about him like that anymore?!"

His words knocked into your head as they sounded familiar, and a wave of confusion hit your brain. Did he hear my conversation with Gyujeong…?

"W-What? How do you know about that…? You heard everything on Monday?" you asked in a lower and trembling voice.

"Yes I did, why? You wished I wouldn't have?" he shouted, his face falling deeper and deeper into something unreadable, and you hated that.

"Why are you getting so mad at me?" you weakly protested, hot flashes suffocating you as you were frustrated of not being able to explain yourself clearly, and as he was scaring the hell out of you by exploding unexpectedly.

"Because I'm fucking serious about tonight, it took me a lot to do what I've done for you and now you tell me that, so excuse me but yes this is making me crazy right now!"

Words were mingling inside your mind and you were wondering why you couldn't fight much more when you wanted to. Maybe that was how unprepared you had been to face Hwimin, as you hadn't thought you would be that affected by having to deal with the two men you had been the closest to in your life, in the same place and at the same time. But what was clear and noble in your mind hadn't come right from your mouth, and Changkyun losing it was letting you out of words. You just wanted to go away from this party with him right now, as you just had admitted to yourself you were in love with him, as you were still drunk in love by the words he had poured from his mouth and heart for you, but you needed to deal with your feelings calmly, and Hwimin's apparition had torn everything apart.

"I am serious too!" you only managed to say.

"Oh really? I don't think so, or else you would've kissed me without second thoughts! You know what Y/N? If you're not sure about your feelings for me or for him, then don't get me involved in this because at least I am. I… I can't believe you." Changkyun snapped back, his deep voice cutting you as well as his harsh words.

He gave you one last tormenting look and he disappeared in the crowd once again, anger clearly boiling through his veins as he pushed past people abruptly. And as he got out of your reach, the fear of losing him definitely caught you and you cursed at yourself for not having been able to plead your cause more fervently. He hadn't listened to you…

Where is he? you asked yourself as you looked around the warehouse, your mind dizzier than if you had drank thousands of glasses of alcohol.

    To be continued…

    A/N : Wowowo that suspeeeeensssssse… What's going to happen with this love triangle? Hahaha I'm stopping! Thank you for reading as always, I'll put the last (normally) part as soon as possible, hoping law school doesn't end me or else you'll be on standby forever…

[unwantedtattoosuk-blog]

Are there any side effects on skin if I get a permanent tattoo?

Every decade seems to have its fad, its craze. For us in Dominica, for example, the 70’s saw the afro, bell-bottom and platform shoes. The 80’s and 90’s had their own. In this century, there’s hardly a black woman to be found without a weave or wig. And what seems to have been the biggest craze in the western hemisphere in the last decade more than any other time previously, is the tattoo. The rate of tattoo administrations seems to be accelerating all the time. And it used to be that you would see people with one or two small tattoos on one to a few body parts, but now it’s the entire body in a lot of cases.But before you get a tattoo, make sure you know what’s involved. And be sure that tattooing is the right decision for you.HOW TATTOOS ARE DONEA tattoo is a permanent mark or design (mark the word ‘permanent’) made on your skin with pigments inserted through pricks into the skin’s top layer. Typically, the tattoo artist uses a hand-held machine that acts much like a sewing machine, with one or more needles repeatedly piercing the skin. The needles insert tiny ink droplets with every puncture. The process, which is done without any anaesthetic (deadening of the skin) does cause a small amount of bleeding and slight to potentially significant pain, depending on the pain threshold of the receiving person, and their level of mental preparation for the procedure.GET TO KNOW THE RISKSIt’s important to remember that tattoos breach the skin, a fact which itself carries medico-legal implications. But that’s another broad issue not relevant to this discussion, and which I won’t get into. But this means that skin infections and other complications are possible, among which are:Allergic reactions Tattoo dyes – particularly red, green, yellow and blue dyes – can cause allergic skin reactions, such as an itchy rash at the tattoo site. This can occur even years after you get the tattoo.Skin infections The manifestations of an infection, such as redness, swelling, pain and a pus-like drainage can occur after tattooing.Unsterile tattooing equipment and needles can transmit infectious diseases such as hepatitis B and hepatitis C. This is why the American Association of Blood Banks requires a one-year wait between getting a tattoo and donating blood. It is of paramount importance to make sure that all tattooing equipment is clean and sterilized before use. Even if the needles are sterilized or have never been used, it is important to understand that in some cases the equipment that holds the needles cannot be sterilized reliably due to its design. Furthermore, the person who receives a tattoo must be sure to care for the tattooed area properly during the first week or so after the pigments are injected.Other Skin ProblemsSometimes bumps called granulomas form around tattoo ink. Tattooing can also lead to keloids – raised areas caused by an overgrowth of scar tissue. We all know about these. If you have had a keloid before from a cut or other skin lesion, do not get a tattoo.Blood borne diseases. If the equipment used to create you tattoo is contaminated with infected blood, you can contract various blood borne diseases – including tetanus, hepatitis B and hepatitis C. We’re talking serious morbidity and possibly mortality here – and there’s also the possibility of HIV transmission. Do I need expand on this?When insurance companies’ applications include on their questionnaire whether you have tattoos or multiple body piercings, what do you think they’re getting at? Think about it.MRI ComplicationsOn occasion, tattoos or permanent makeup might cause swelling or burning in the affected areas during MRI exams. Sometimes tattoo pigments can interfere with the quality of the image, such as when a person who has permanent eyeliner has an MRI of the eye. Some tattoo areas may actually cause burning of the skin because of the process involved. Medication or other treatment – including possible removal of the tattoo – might be needed if an allergic reaction to the tattoo ink occurs or you develop an infection or other skin problem near a tattoo.Be ReadyBefore you get a tattoo, be sure you truly want to invest in permanent body art. Unsure or worried that you might regret it someday? Give yourself more time to think about it. Don’t be pressured, and don’t get a tattoo under the influence of alcohol or drugs.If you decide to go ahead, choose the tattoo location carefully. Want it to be visible or hidden under clothing? Also remember that weight gain – including pregnancy weight gain – might distort the tattoo or otherwise affect its appearance.Insist on Safety To make sure your tattoo will be safely applied, answer these questions:Who does the tattooing? Don’t attempt to tattoo yourself or have an untrained friend do the tattooing. Go to a reputable studio that employs only properly trained employees. Some locales have licensing standards. Find out about these where applicable.Does the tattoo artist wear gloves? He or she should wash hands and wear a fresh pair of protective gloves for each procedure.Does the tattoo artist use proper equipment? Make sure the tattoo artist removes the needle and takes it from sealed packages before your procedure begins. Any pigment, trays or containers should be unused as well.Does the tattoo artist sterilize nondisposable equipment? Make sure the tattoo artist uses a heat sterilization machine (autoclave) to sterilize all nondisposable equipment between customers. Instruments and supplies that can’t be sterilized by an autoclave – drawer handles, tables and sinks – should be disinfected with a commercial disinfectant or bleach solution after each use.Taking Care of Your TattooThis depends on the type and extent of work done. Usually, however, you’ll need to:• Remove the bandage after 24 hours. Apply an antibacterial ointment or cream to the tattooed skin while it’s healing.• Keep the tattooed skin clean. Use plain soap and water and a gentle touch. While showering, avoid direct streams of water on the newly tattooed skin. Pat – don’t rub – the area dry.• Use moisturizer. Use a mild one to the area several times a day.• Avoid sun exposure. Keep out of sun for at least a few weeks• Avoid swimming. Stay out of pools, hot tubs, rivers, lakes, and other bodies of water while your piercing is healing.• Choose clothing carefully. Don’t wear anything that might stick to the tattoo.• Allow up to 2 weeks for healing Don’t pick at any scabs, which increases the risk of infection and can damage the design and cause scarring.Removal TechniquesThis is the area that concerns me a great deal. The craze will be over, and then what?• Laser Treatments can lighten many tattoos, some more easily and effectively than others. Generally several visits are necessary over weeks or months, and treatment can be expensive. Some individuals experience a lightening of their natural skin coloring. And it is almost impossible for some degree of scarring not to occur with laser.Knowing what pigments are in your tattoo or permanent makeup has always been difficult and has become more so as the variety of tattoo inks has multiplied. Inks are often sold by brand name only, not by chemical composition. The pigments are sold to tattoo parlors and salons, not on a retail basis to consumers, so manufactures are not required by law to list the ingredients on the labels. In addition, because manufactures may consider the identity and grade of their pigments “proprietary,” neither the tattooist nor the customer may be able to get this information.Allergic reactions have also occurred from laser treatments, apparently because the laser caused allergenic substances in the tattoo ink to be released into the body.• Dermabrasion involves abrading layers of skin with a wire brush or diamond fraise (a sanding disc). This process may leave a scar(s).• Scarification involves removing the tattoo with an acid solution and creating a scar in its place.• Salabrasion. A salt solution is used to remove the pigment. It is sometimes used in conjunction with dermabrasion, but has become less common.• Surgical removal involves the use of tissue expanders (balloons inserted under the skin, so that when the tattoo is cut away, there is less scarring). Larger tattoos may require repeated surgery for complete removal.Note that a common theme in most of these techniques is scarring. I implore my readers to think twice about tattoos and especially covering their whole bodies with them! That is unless you’re convinced you’ll want to keep them the rest of your lives, no matter what.• Camouflaging a tattoo entails the injection of new pigments either to form a new pattern or cover a tattoo with skin-toned pigments. Injected pigments tend not to look natural because they lack the skin’s natural translucence.Source: https://dominicanewsonline.com/news/homepage/columns/health-talk/health-talk-tattoo-risks-side-effects-precautions/

[hotspottrends]

HOT TIPS AND TRICKS YOU MUST KNOW ABOUT COSMETICS Perfume If you hate having to reapply perfume time and time again, you will definitely appreciate this little tip. Dab some Vaseline on the area where you would normally spray your perfume, such as your wrists or neck. When you have done this apply your perfume as usual. The Vaseline will retain the scent and make it last much, much longer. Primers This goes under your foundation or tinted moisturizer and its job is to keep your make-up in place all day. There are primers to regulate oil, primers with sun protection, primers to hydrate and primers to add glow – just choose the one that best suits your skin type. Apply it with your fingers. If you suffer from dry patches of skin, use a hydrating primer on the area in question. If you have an oily T-zone or suffer from oily patches of skin use a mattifying primer. Foundation / Tinted Moisturiser Tinted moisturisers are perfect for an everyday look because they even out skin tone without looking too perfect. Even better if is one with added sun protection. Whichever you go for, it’s vital to get the colour right. Tested on your forehead, cheek, neck, and chin. Remember that your skin changes colour through the year, so your base needs to change too. Apply with your fingers or a foundation buffing brush. If you find that your foundation is rather heavy, use it sparingly by mixing it with your moisturiser. When using a tinted moisturiser, don’t forget to apply some to your ears. This will give you the appearance of overall natural color. To assess the coverage potential of different foundations, tilt the bottle and see how it flows. If the liquid flows quite fast and is rather thin in texture, chances are it will only provide you with very light coverage. When testing foundations, do not use the back of your hand. The color of the skin on your hand does not resemble the color of your complexion and will not be accurate. Dab some on your lower cheek near your jawbone. This will also give you an indication as to how easy it will blend into the edges of your face. Never go for a darker shade of foundation in the hope that will give you tanned-looking skin. Foundation is quite thick in texture and will be difficult to blend into the edges of the face if the shade is distinctly darker than your natural skin tone. After you have applied your foundation, use a ply of tissue to gently pat your face. This will help soften the look. Also, try to apply minimal foundation around the eyes particularly if you have fine lines. The foundation will sink into the lines thereby making them more obvious. Brushes There’s nothing more annoying than buying a new make-up brush only to find it shedding bristles the moment it’s put to use. Next time you are shopping for a brush and you want to determine if it is prone to shedding, quickly run the bristles along the back of your hand. Try to look for brushes with tightly packed bristles as they are less likely to come apart. When washing your brushes, there’s a risk they may lose their shape. If this occurs, wrap the bristles tightly in a handkerchief while they are still wet and secure them with the elastic band. This should help to renew the original shape of the brush, but ensure the band is not to tight, otherwise, the bristles may loosen. Eyeliner brushes may be small but they’re still expensive! A wonderful tip would be, to look in art and craft shops for slim paint brushes that work perfectly for applying eyeliner. Different brushes do different things, so you need a selection. You can build your collection over time; you don’t need to buy all of these at once! This is the ones we suggest: Foundation Brushes And Sponges: You can put tinted moisuriser on with your fingers, but use both brushes and sponges for thicker foundations. Flat-headed brushes buff make-up into the skin and give really even coverage (blend afterwards with your fingers for a super-smooth finish). Foundation sponges, which you use slightly damp, work in the same way. Large Powder Brushes: These are good for applying both translucent powder and bronzer because they disperse the powder evenly over a large area of skin. You need to have two separate brushes – one for powder and one for bronzer. Contour Brushes: These are angled to make it easier to apply bronzer or highlighter under the cheekbone. Blusher Brushes: Designed to be used just on your cheek rather than your whole face, these are slightly smaller than contour and powder brushes. Small Powder Brushes: These are ideal for getting in around your nose and chin and for when you just want to do a quick touch-up. Eyebrow Brushes: A must-have for keeping your brows in order. Eye-Shadow Applicator Brushes: You need two large ones for applying eye shadow (one for dark shades, one for light), plus a small one for blending underneath the eye. Eyeliner Brushes: You should have one of these even if you use an eyeliner pen because they’re great for creating Feline Flick powder-tracing line. Eye-Shadow Blending Brushes: These are rounded brushes which you use after you’ve applied the shadow to create a smooth finish. (You can’t use the applicator brush because will be full of powder) Fan Brushes: Shaped like a fan, these are designed to flick specks of stray make-up away from under your eyes. Concealer Concealer is available in lots of different consistencies, but we like to recommend to use a creamy one under your eyes and a thicker one to hide any blemishes. Some come with an applicator but we find tapping the cream lightly with your fingertips works better under your eyes. Use a small brush for blemishes. You need to buy two shades – one with slightly reflective qualities under your eyes (this will draw attention away from bags) and a darker, non-reflective one for covering blemishes. If you tan regularly, make sure you have a concealer in a shade appropriate for darker skin. If you use your regular concealer on tanned skin, it may result in drawing focus to the blemishes rather than disguising them. Powder When dusting powder on the face, begin at the nose and work your way outwards. By doing this, you are ensuring that the shiniest parts of your face get the most powder. Lips Lip pencils should always be as close in color to your lipstick as possible. Drawing a subtle line just outside the natural lip line will make your lips appear fuller. Filling in your lips with lip pencil before you apply lipstick will make it last longer while using a lip pencil followed by lip gloss creates a natural nude lip. To keep lipstick off your teeth, place your index finger in your mouth and close your lips around it. When you pull your finger out, it will remove any excess lipstick. If you’re not one for wearing bright lip colours, it’s advisable to try red lipstick at home first. Chances are you’ll hate it, but only because you’re not used to seeing your face wearing such vivacious color. For an accurate assessment, leave the lipstick on for an hour. Look in the mirror every so often during that hour and you’ll gradually train your eye to it. When the hour is up, you’ll be able to tell whether or not a shade suits you. When using lip liner, don’t limit the colour to the rim of your lips. Fill them in with the liner, then if your lipstick fades, your lips will still have the color from the liner. If you suffer from dry, chapped lips, avoid frosted lipstick as they tend to dry out the lips. If you don’t have the lip colour require, then open up your eye shadow palette and improvise! An age-old trick used by many make-up artists involves dabbing the lips with Vaseline before lightly blending in the eye shadow colour of choice. If you find that your lipstick is a shade darker than you expect, don’t throw it away! Apply the lipstick to your lips as usual. Next blend a little foundation with some Vaseline and, using your fingertip, apply it to your lips. This will immediately lighten the shade. In order for your lip colour to look its best, your lips need to be in tip-top condition. To soothe and soften dry lips, mix some sugar with Vaseline and gently massage the mix onto your lips. To get the most benefits from this exfoliating paste, apply it to a dry toothbrush first and use it as an exfoliator. If you prefer the minimalist approach and like to carry a few products as possible, look out for multi-use items. For instance, buy lip colors with built-in gloss or balm, or use a tinted moisuriser rather than moisturiser and foundation. Blush Blusher ads colour to your cheeks. When you’re choosing the colour, think about what colour your face goes when it’s tanned. Apply with a brush from the apple of your cheek out towards the cheekbone. We like powder blusher but you can get creams also. If you do choose a cream, then you need to use a cream bronzer too, because you can’t use the cream over powder. To avoid creating a distinctive line when applying blush, work the brush in a circular motion on the apples of your cheeks. Eyebrows To give your plucked brows a nice, defined shape brush the upwards and then sideways. You can buy brow brushes, but quite a lot of make-up artists like to use toothbrushes as they bristles are so thick and excellent for shaping. To give your brows a glossy shine, apply some Vaseline to a brow brush before sweeping it over your brows. If you find that your brows tend to lose their shape quite fast, spray your brush with hairspray before running it over the brows. The hairspray will secure the shape. Eyes Before applying eye shadow, always prepare the skin on the eyelid by dabbing it with some concealer and lightly dusting it with loose translucent powder. If you find your eye shadow is too dark dab a cotton wool ball in some loose powder and gently blend it into the lid until the colour has toned down. If you have mature skin or puffy eyes, avoid frosted shimmery shades of eye shadow, use soft matt shades instead. Certain shades of eye shadow can really emphasize your natural eye colour. To help you on your way here is a list of shades that best enhance different eye colours. Green Eyes:   Golden brown, mauve, lilac, taupe, violet, deep purple, plum, peach, and gold. Grey Eyes: Purple, violet, charcoal, brown, black, pink, blue, gold and, light green. Brown Eyes: Brown-eyed girls can wear a variety of eye colours, though violets look particularly well, they can also work the smoky-eye look. Blue Eyes: Chocolate brown, warm taupe, gold, plum, champagne, and rich peach. Shimmery gold is perfect for evening occasions. While blue-eyed girls can wear navy eye shadow, they should steer clear of blue shades similar to their own eye colour. Good-quality beige and browns should be a staple future of every woman’s make-up palette. These shades are perfect for when you want to add instant definition to your eyes but don’t have much time to spend on your eye make-up. When applying eye shadow, make sure the brush reaches the roots of the eyelashes otherwise there will be a space between the lashes and the eye shadow which makes the overall impact less intense. Mascara Volumising mascara with a thick brush is great for accentuating your eyes. Use a bit of mascara even if you’re wearing false lashes – it helps them blend in with your own eyelashes. Some women have a preference for the type of mascara wand they use. Some like combs, others like wands. If you want to buy a new mascara but don’t like the wand that comes with it, then recycle an old mascara wand you do like. Clean it thoroughly with make-up remover and it’s ready to be reused. Just make sure you don’t discard the new wand as you will need it to close the mascara. If you stain the skin around the eye when applying mascara, wait until it dries before gently wiping it away with a cotton wool swab. It will be so much easier to remove when dry. The opposite applies to eyeliner.   The post HOT TIPS AND TRICKS YOU MUST KNOW ABOUT COSMETICS appeared first on Hot Spot Trends.

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