#and then it is so demoralizing when i do and get ignored lmao

[splenderai]

.

[reinabeestudio]

To celebrate Valentine’s Day, I wrote a humble one-shot featuring Phantom Thief Karamatsu and Detective Shinshia, inspired by the Phantom Thief set from Hesokuri Wars lol.

It is very simple, and I did it just to cater myself LMAO. But maybe some of you find it cute✨. As a small fact, I titled the story “Alone Together”.

Story under the cut!

Finally, February was here! Heart-shaped decorations in every store, roses of different colors were seen over different parts of the city, cute sweets… last but not least, there was the romance. For a long time, this was a sour month for the sextuplets. They were phantom thieves of renown, yet they never got a single chocolate in their whole lives by their fans! It was truly demoralizing, almost as bad as Christmas.

Tradition said that women were the ones that gifted chocolate for the men they had chosen. This year, however, the blue phantom thief had a mission. An important gift to give.

Karamatsu tried so many times in the past to convey his feelings to the new detective: Shinshia Doremi. She acted rough and distant at first. “We are enemies,” she declared coldly. But in the rare moments they could spent together, her behaviour softened and the real Shinshia Doremi was exposed: a warm, yet shy girl. Sadly, everytime he tried to tell her about what he felt, someone or something would interrupt their moment together. Often their separate duties, as detective and phantom thief. 

Oh, Cupid, how cruel was he! Keeping the hearts of this couple in the scale of Lady Justice, its pans so close but never together! Such a tragic fate!

Well, perhaps the vision he had of their love inside his head had evolved into something more dramatic than what it actually was in real life. But it added some excitement to whatever their situation was.

Karamatsu was no fool, either. He knew there were others interested in the girl… Mostly, his boisterous, shitty eldest. He noticed the way that idiot looked at her, and it wasn’t love. At least, not the the type of love he felt inside. The blue thief decided it was time to strike while he still had the chance, and ask her out. Subtly.

⊱ ────── {.⋅ ♡ ⋅.} ───── ⊰

Once more the young detective ended up being one of the few remaining people in the department. Rookies got so much paperwork, it was just ridiculous. She had to keep a dictionary close to her, too. Some of these characters looked like an amalgamation made of nightmares.

To keep boredom away, Shinshia started singing, the words echoing throughout the empty office. A soft duet, the name of which she could not call to mind at the moment. However, she did remember that it was a popular love song. It was one of the first songs she heard when she first arrived to Japan.

The sun goes to sleep once more

In this lonely time, I wonder

Is your heart dreaming of me?

The detective finished with the paper she had in front of her, and grabbed the next one in the pile. “How tedious,” she thought. She kept singing to herself.

Stars twinkle above our heads

And the moon gives us her best glowing smile

But tonight, I’ll be yours...

“... And yours alone.” 

Another voice joined in with her song, singing along. Shinshia went silent and turned around, but she saw nothing besides empty desks. She went back to her paperwork, along with her song.

However, before she could sing another word, Shinshia stopped entirely when suddenly a pair of hands covered her eyes. “Who is it?” a familiar male voice asked in a sing-song tone.

“The sweet release of death, I hope.”

She resumed her work when she regained her sight as the infamous phantom thief, Karamatsu, casually leant against her desk with a subtle smile. “Long day, I presume.”

“You have no idea,” she sighed and tucked her hair behind her ears . “You should leave before someone sees you. Unless you want me to handcuff you.”

Karamatsu laughed quietly. “Heh, being helpless at your mercy sounds like a very tempting offer, darling. ” Shinshia’s face immediately flushed and he laughed again, genuinely. “But I am here to steal you away.”

“Steal me away?” Shinshia asked, not even looking away from the papers. She put some loose locks of hair behind her ear again. She was often pulling hair away from her face lately. “Sorry Karamatsu, but I have a ton of paperwork left to do. I can’t be stolen right now.”

“C’mon, Shia-chan! It won’t be for long. I’m just asking you to take a break.”

“I told you, I’m busy right n-”

The phantom thief put a hand over the paper she was writing on, and the scowling detective finally looked up at him. It was in that moment when she noticed that he was wearing casual clothes, and not his usual garish outfit filled with blue glitter. The only part that did stand out was, perhaps, the black eyepatch on his left eye. He felt triumphant over this, how she looked at him.

“Tonight, be mine alone ♪.”

After a minute of silence and a staring competition that was perhaps getting a bit too intense for the situation, Shinshia got up from her desk grumbling. “Fine. A short break.”

With a triumphant spring in his step, he suddenly scooped her up in his arms effortlessly and left the office. His plan was working so far.

⊱ ────── {.⋅ ♡ ⋅.} ───── ⊰

Now this was strange.

Karamatsu dragged Shinshia out of the office. That was not the strange part, but instead of avoiding crowded places like he always did, they just… kept walking. Out in the open. Walking didn’t bother her, it was just unusual. He was a famous criminal, after all. It was a miracle they left the building so easily. Or maybe the author was just too lazy to think of something smart.

Wait, author? What author? That makes no sense. Just ignore it.

It was snowing outside. Snow wasn’t common where she was from, so she still marvelled at the sight of it everytime. Despite how much she enjoyed watching the snow fall, it was still cold in the streets. So smart was she, that she forgot to grab her jacket before they left, and now she was constantly rubbing her hands together.

Karamatsu laughed. “You’ll end up setting them on fire, Shia-chan.”

Shinshia snorted. The comment was lame, yet she snorted, like the fool she was. Karamatsu took her hand on his own and blew on it, before he decided to put both of their hands inside his coat pocket. She glanced at him, noticing that he was actually doing the same at her. However, as soon as he noticed her eyes on him, Karamatsu quickly looked away and instead focused on the cars that passed by.

After spending their evening with an impromptu stroll, they finally headed back to the building. Karamatsu spent most of the time silent, which was even more unusual that this whole situation. Usually, he loved doing long monologues filled with inscrutable flowery words that probably sounded cool only in his mind. But during that evening, Karamatsu seemed focused in whatever was going through his head at the moment. Then again, Shinshia didn’t talk much herself.

The poor detective couldn’t help it! He was a man that had to be put behind bars for his crimes, she knew this. However, everytime they were together, her mind just stopped working properly. This had been happening since she actually caught him once: Karamatsu, one of the six-colored phantom thieves that stole valuable pieces of art all around the city. He was pretty popular among the youngest members of her department, some of them even called themselves his fans. That was done in secret, of course.

Shinshia knew little about the man next to her. Truth be told, she wanted to unveil that air of mystery around him by herself. Not as a detective, but as… something else. Maybe as a friend. Or maybe as something deeper. Only the author knew.

Hold on, what-- you know what, nevermind that.

First she thought, maybe she was just starstruck. After all, as soon as she arrived to that building, she was assigned to the case of the phantom thieves. Shinshia was in a country that was so different  to her native Spain, and she knew no one, besides this guy. A criminal. But he kept coming back when she was alone, giving her advice and listening to her troubles… And then a bond bloomed between them. So sudden, yet so natural, as if it was destined to happen.

“Shinshia,” Karamatsu called to her softly, pulling her from her thoughts, “I have a little present for you.”

“A present? Why?”

“Just a little something I got for you! It’s fine, I promise.”

Shinshia sighed. “Well, fine.”

His eye glittered as he clasped his hands happily. Gosh, what a big baby. “Good! Close your eyes, and don’t open them until I say you can, understand?” He said that last part in English, for some reason.

Strange request, but Shinshia did what he told her anyway, and closed her eyes. She could hear Karamatsu fumbling with something- not sure with what, but it was small, she supposed. He did say it was a little something, after all. Suddenly, she felt his hands on the sides of her head, playing with the locks of her hair. He put them back, and then she felt those same hair locks being slightly pulled back by something. She feels his warm hand linger on her chin, delicately caressing along her jawline before pulling away.

“Open your eyes.”

Shinshia opened her eyes, feeling really curious about what Karamatsu did. He took out a round pocket mirror and then he showed her: a blue hair bow was holding back her hair.

Karamatsu smiled at her softly. “Your hair is growing long, Shia-chan. It keeps getting in front of your eyes, doesn’t it?” She nodded, impressed. When did he notice her annoyance at her hair? It was such an insignificant detail. “Now I can see your cute face again.”

Shinshia looked down, feeling her face warm up. “T-Thanks.”

After he put the small mirror back in its place, he took an envelope out of the same pocket. He gave it to her. It would have looked like a normal letter, if it wasn’t for the small heart on the back… And the blue glitter. So painful.

“What is this?” Shinshia took the envelope and opened it. Inside there was a single piece of black paper with text in gold letters. “An invitation?”

“Observant as always! It’d make me very happy to see you there.”

“I’m not sure, Karamatsu… this is very sudden.”

“But, Shia-chan! It will be so much fun!” Karamatsu looked at her with puppy eyes. Uh, eye. “Do it for me. Please?” 

How was that working so well, what the hell. Shinshia sighed in defeat. “I will think about it.”

Feeling victorious yet again, Karamatsu took her hand and kissed her knuckles. “Good night, Shia-chan. I hope to see you there.” Those were his last words before he turned around and walked away, quickly melting into the crowd. Now Shinshia Doremi was left alone at the doors of her workplace with her heart beating incredibly fast.

The detective looked down at the sparkly envelope. This thing was so shiny that it hurted to look at it for too long. It was so painful! It was so tacky!

“You're so troublesome.” she said to no one. She released a deep sigh.

She was in love with the blue phantom thief called Karamatsu.

Shinshia decided to attend to the party, after all.

She didn’t go to parties often… mostly because she wasn’t invited to any of them. But, if she was being honest with herself, the promise of meeting him again was too tempting to resist. Also, free food and drinks.

Woah. She really had to have a deep crush on the man of strange monologues, if she was going to ignore her insecurity just for him. What a guy, he was making miracles happen even when he wasn’t present.

So she got ready, donning the prettiest dress she could find inside her closet. She wore the blue bow he gifted her, and after checking herself in the mirror, she grabbed her clutch purse and left to the party.

“Even if Karamatsu isn’t there, it’s better than to be alone during Valentine’s day,” she thought as she locked the door of her house behind her.

⊱ ────── {.⋅ ♡ ⋅.} ───── ⊰

It was a Valentine’s dance party. It should have been obvious, considering the day it took place. But she wasn’t aware that Valentine’s Day parties existed at all. Of course they do, why wouldn’t they? Maybe the host was single as hell, and this was their attempt in trying to find a partner. Or maybe it was a Jay Gatsby trying to find their Daisy Buchanan. Yikes, hopefully not. 

Also, every celebration needs a party, obviously.

Somewhere, someone in the world will throw a party for Cat Day. Maybe they will put a silly little hat on top of their cat’s head, followed by the confused pet trying to swat it away with its little paws and failing as the owner was in the floor laughing to tears.

That turned to be a very amusing thought, after all. It’d be so funny if someone celebrated Cat Day like that. She didn’t even know if Cat Day existed at all, but now she really hoped that it did.

Back to reality, Shinshia grabbed a glass from the nearest table as she looked around, moving between the many guests that were having fun together. Where in the world was Karamatsu? How could a single man wearing a black eyepatch be so difficult to find among so many colorful outfits? Pretty sure his full name was Karamatsu Sandiego. A famous thief whose signature look features a blue, glittery matching top hat and long cape. Of course, it all checked out, she just solved the case.

The detective was so into her own dumb line of thought that she didn’t notice the carpet, and her shoe caught. There was barely time to react; carpet veered up, her drink tipped forward, and suddenly the floor was very close. Extremely close. However, she hadn’t bit it, and that didn’t quite make sense. Gravity existed, and through gravity, she should have hit the floor.

There was something holding her up. A hand, which connected to an arm, which led all the way to a well-tailored suit. A delicious, familiar fragrance reached her nose.

“Well now,” a voice purred so slowly, and hands turned her to face upwards. Karamatsu’s face slowly turned into a tender smile. “I see you decided to come after all, darling.”

“Ah, well…” Shinshia really couldn’t say much with her waist held so enticingly by those hands, as warm hands brushed up against her skin and tickled. “I... I had to make sure that you didn’t steal anything! There are many people here wearing valuable jewelry, I’m sure you’d manage to steal something.”

“Heh, it seems my plans were ruined by the great Shinshia once more!” Karamatsu continued onwards with that smile just deepening at her sight, and somehow, he seemed to be leaning a bit closer. The room rang with cheery laughter, and the party carried onwards without a single glance towards the thief and the detective.

“You always seem to be,” one hand caressed its fine way up to her shoulder, “Stumbling around me. I’m starting to wonder if you are tripping on purpose now, hmmm?”

He knew well she wasn’t doing it on purpose. But before she could complain about that, he pressed a finger to her lips, silencing her completely. The hand on her waist pulled her just a little closer that she could feel the warmth radiating from him. He laced his fingers with hers. “I enjoy our moments together, darling.”

The orchestra struck up a mesmerizing waltz, and Karamatsu’s eye perked up enough that Shinshia could practically see the lightbulb above his head.

“Let’s dance!” he invited her without a second thought, and Shinshia stumbled as Karamatsu guided her to the dance floor. A violin hummed and a key plucked, and then his hands were on her waist, a smile beaming away. 

Unexpectedly, he was good at the waltz. What the hell, that was not fair. Shinshia found herself tripping quite a lot, and the phantom thief just chuckled everytime she crashed into his body. It didn’t seem to phase him either, he just grinned all the wider and adjusted until she fell back into rhythm. 

Finally, somehow the rhythm came to Shinshia. Maybe it was the guiding steps of Karamatsu. Maybe it was the smile he gave her as she fumbled along. Or, perhaps, it was the hand he still had on her waist, caring as it kindly led her along despite her inexperience. Whatever it was, it had her steps synchronize with Karamatsu’s, and suddenly she started noticing other things: how his rings glistened in the light as Karamatsu led both of them through the swarm of couples, or how his brown eye never looked away from her face. Small details, yet they were such lovely little things that made her heart beat wildly inside the detective’s chest.

“Say, Shinshia.”

“Yes?”

“You said you came here to make sure I didn’t steal anything, right?”

Shinshia raised an eyebrow in confusion, but she nodded. Where was he going on with this? Was he actually going to do that? She told it as a joke, she didn’t want to work tonight.

“Heh, well, my beloved Shinshia... ” Karamatsu leaned down slightly and whispered. “I believe I already stole something.”

Shinshia didn’t really notice the song grew faster until a violin screeched in delight and suddenly Karamatsu was really close. When the song was over, he had dipped her just as the last violin ended with an exaggerated flourish. 

Karamatsu leaned forward, his lips brushing hers, and perhaps it hadn’t been such a bad thing, tripping over her own shoe. Not when she could feel him gaze at her in rapt adoration. Not when Karamatsu had her so lovingly wrapped in his hands, and clutching as if she was the most fragile, most precious thing in the world that had happened to him.

No, perhaps it was for the best.

[bigskydreaming]

I’m a loyal as fuck friend and hate being jerked around myself so the reason behind Dick self isolating makes me very upset. (Seen it in person. Someone self isolating cuz they’ve been taught no one gives a shit).

Yeah, like, not to be TMI but then again, when has that stopped me, lol, but its no secret that I project super hard onto Dick in all sorts of ways, and not just as a survivor. My family’s shit and I have no ties or contact with them anymore, and a lot of the stuff that led into that is stuff that I see in Dick’s character and dynamics, and so I’m not super rational when it comes to him in particular. *Shrugs* Ooops. But like, he mirrors me in frankly freaky ways, except for the whole....vigilante by night, billionaire heir by day thing. But other than that, we’re basically twins! LOLOLOL, no, but you get what I mean, probably.

Anyway, point is, I see other posts floating around talking about how Dick is basically the Batfam’s therapist at times, and its like, PING, because its so accurate. But also, for me, for years and years like, my mom would literally call me the family therapist and laugh like it was a joke, because it was like my family only ever contacted me when they were having a problem or needed help sorting something out or were fighting with one another. And I’d get ticked at that, and point out like uh no, I’m not the family therapist and shouldn’t be viewed and treated that way cuz I’m actually FAMILY, lmao. Obvsly that went over their heads and nothing ever changed and that’s why I anticlimactically cut ties with them eventually, blah blah whatever, but yeah. That shit sucks. 

And that’s a pattern I see over and over in fics about the Batfam as well as canon. And thing is, its so easy to get stuck in that kinda cycle, and its easy for people to remain oblivious to it, because they’re like....well its not like we’re ignoring them or never see them, they’re right there, we talk to them all the time....but they don’t recognize that the WAY they talk to them or interact with them is different from with the rest of the family or group of friends. Treating them as the fixer to problems, and thus never having any problems themselves, by virtue of the fact that like....”well who would fix THEIR problems even if they did? Better to just pretend they don’t have any at all.”

But yeah, its one of those things that can seem like its not that big of a deal, but when its always like that and never changing, it can be pretty demoralizing. And I definitely do see that pattern in a lot of Dick’s stories and dynamics with those around him. Other characters pretty much only ever contact him to come fix their problems or someone else’s, and its very very rare for any of them to just....check in on him, for a change. Just to see how he’s doing, if he needs anything, even if there’s not an obvious crisis. Like, even in fics, you hardly ever see Bruce or one of Dick’s siblings asking him to come spend more time at the Manor just because they WANT him there, not because there’s any particular reason he’s needed there. 

And so of course its easy to write Dick as not regarding the Manor as home all that much, or having much connection to it anymore other than a place he spends the night at occasionally.....because its not TREATED as his home, as a place where he’s encouraged to spend time there just because its where he grew up, its where his family is, its a safe haven or refuge. 

[cammi-writes]

Title: Chuck’s Wrath

Part: part 1 | part 2 |

a/n | warnings: mentions of death, throwback to before the apocalypse, blood addicted Sam aka Dick Sam, emotionally abusive relationship, descriptions of torture | I haven’t written any Supernatural fics in sooooo long lmao but my 13yo sister and 10yo brother just got into the show (they just watched John sacrifice himself for Dean) and I saw fetus Sammy and got inspired!!! Some things you should know are the reader is Bobby’s only daughter and she’s known the boys her whole life. When John gets captured by Azazel and the boys exorcise Meg at Bobby’s house, she goes with them and continues to hunt with them after all the Azazel stuff.

Fandom: Supernatural

Pairings: Sam Winchester x Reader, Dean Winchester x Reader

Tags: message me if you want to be tagged

Sam and Dean were frozen in the theatre, courtesy of Chuck who sat to their left, popping a piece of popcorn in his mouth with a shit-eating grin.

“I never wanted a movie adaption of the Supernatural books. I felt like they would suck the raw emotion out of it.” Chuck explained. “I mean you saw Supernatural the musical.” He made a face of distaste. “But they were just kids so I had to pretend like it was good.”

“What the hell is this?” Dean grunted out.

“Just watch.” Chuck focused his attention to the screen as the reel started to play. “You remember this, right Dean?”

You stood outside the motel room door, a lump in your throat and tears in your eyes as you heard her moans. When you heard Sam’s deep groan, you instantly turned away. He was screwing the black-eyed whore in your motel room...

“Y/n?” Dean’s gruff voice spoke and you quickly blinked away the tears.

“Hey Dean” You forced your usual happy smile but this time it was filled with pain. “I just forgot my motel key and I don’t think Sam is in there-” You were cut off by a loud porn star like moan.

“Ruby’s in there, isn’t she?” Dean’s voice was a mix of anger and sympathy.

“Yeah.” Your voice broke. Sam and you had been together for around a year. Your first kiss had been while Dean was in his coma... Your first time was the night his father sold his soul to save Dean... You had finally made it official when he returned from the dead after Dean made the demon deal.

“Come on...” Dean grabbed your hand a led you away from the motel.

“Where are we going?” You sniffled.

“Somewhere... quiet” Dean gave you a soft smile. Something you hadn’t seen from him before. Something you never would have expected since the way he’s been acting since he got back from Hell.

Sam gave Dean a confused but broken look. Sam thought about you everyday since you disappeared from his life but he could never find you because the end of the world always seemed to loom in the distance.

“Turn it off.” Dean begged Chuck. The desperate tone that he only used when his family was in danger leaked into his voice. He didn’t want Sam to see what was about to happen...

There was a park on the other side of the woods that laced the edge of the motel you guys were staying at. That’s where Dean had lead you to.

“I’ve been in love with him since we were kids. I thought... I thought for the first time in my life I had gotten what I wanted.” You whispered as Dean and you walked down the dirt path.

“I know...” Dean whispered.

“I should have expected this though. My life has never been this easy.” You let your tears fall.

Both of you were quiet for a while before you decided to ask a question that had burning at the back of your mind.

“What happened?” Dean looked up at you when you asked. “Down there, I mean...”

Dean stared at you for a while, lost in thought. A pained look on his face as he remembered the things that he had done. But the way you shivered when the wind blew snapped him out of it and he shrugged his jacket off for you.

“A lot of things I’m not proud of.” Dean draped the jacket over your shoulders.

“We all do things we’re not proud of.” You tried to comfort him while sinking into his jacket to escape the cold, the smell of pine and old leather embracing you. A smell that reminded you of him.

“You’re not proud of accidentally killing a person while exorcising a demon.” Dean glared at the ground. “I-I tortured people, Y/n. I hurt them. I wasn’t strong enough so I sank to there level.”

“Dean.” You grabbed his bicep, ignoring the shock in your veins. “We all do things to survive. The only thing important is that you survived. You made it back to us.”

“I liked it.” Dean’s teary eyes met yours. “I liked hurting people down there. What does that make me? A survivor? Or a monster?”

Dean looked away, scared of seeing the look of disgust on your face from his confession but when your soft hand cupped his cheek to make him look at you, all he saw was a soft, caring look in your eyes.

He didn’t know why he said it. Maybe it was the fact that you were alone and Sam was screwing a demon in the bed you both had shared. Or maybe it was the way you were looking at him as if he hadn’t just admitted to being a sadist in hell.

“I wish you had fell for me instead.”

“What?” You furrowed your brows curiously.

“I mean... I just don’t like seeing you upset. If it was us... I wouldn’t be hooking up with a demon. I’d be here, with you.” Dean gave you another gentle smile, something confusing you even more.

“You are here with me, Dean.” You shyly turned away. Confused by the pounding of your heart. Maybe it was because Dean was here for you while Sam was sleeping with Ruby. Or maybe it was because you were actually feeling something for him.

“Exactly.” Dean spoke, making you turn towards him, just in time for Dean to connect his lips to yours.

Dean stared at himself on the screen. He was feeling all the same emotions he had felt when he kissed you all those years ago. That wasn’t just Dean stealing another one of Sam’s dates. This was different. That was something Dean had rarely felt in his life.

Sam stared at Dean with anger and betrayal. Sam knew about Dean’s habit of stealing girls from him but never with someone he actually cared about and loved. Dean would always gloat about it to his face but he had never mentioned this to him. He never even suspected it. What else had you two done behind his back?

“How could you?” Sam hissed.

“Sammy...” The gut wrenched look on Dean’s face told Sam that what he had just saw was different... It wasn’t the same as all the other girls.

The screen flashed to a new scene.

“Oh! This is my favorite part!” Chuck got the attention of the demoralized brothers.

“You can’t go!” You grabbed Sam’s arm. “You can’t go by yourself with Ruby to kill Lilith.”

“Let go of me.” Sam roughly shrugged his arm from you, making you stumble back.

“Sam, please.” You sobbed, the tears leaking down your face. “Do you really think this is the right thing to do? Drinking demon blood! Sleeping with a goddamn demon?!”

Sam glared at you, making you shrink away.

“You sound like, Dean.” Sam shook his head, continuing to pack his bags. Your heart dropped at the sound of Dean’s name like it always did, ever since your kiss at the park all those months ago.

All of the secret kisses, the late night talks when Sam would disappear with Ruby, the days where he would hold you as you cried about the way Sam was acting... The feelings that were sprouting because of all of that. The way they made you wonder why you were still trying to salvage your relationship with Sam. You had seen how Dean had stopped the random hookups since your kiss while Sam, your boyfriend, cheated on you repeatedly with a demon nevertheless.

“I’m scared for you, Sam. I don’t want you to get hurt. I love you.” The words sounded familiar but the feeling it gave off was foreign. Did you not love him anymore? “I’m your girlfriend...”

“I don’t love you and you’re not my girlfriend anymore.” Sam sounded cold. “I haven’t loved you for months and you’re just annoying me now. I’m with Ruby. I’ve been making it as obvious as I can and you just won’t take the hint.”

With that he slammed the motel room door. You felt scared for him. You felt like you needed to stop him. Like he was making a big mistake. But you didn’t feel heartbroken and that told you that you didn’t love Sam anymore like you had thought.

“He finally broke the news, huh?” You glared at the demon to your left.

“Go away, Ruby.” You hissed. “Isn’t he going to meet you-” Maybe it was the fact that you had been working with her for awhile that made you turn away without fear of what happened next.

You were still in the motel room when you woke up. Tied to the motel room bed. It was hazy but you could make out Ruby standing in front of you.

“You’re finally awake.” Ruby gave you a malice smirk.

“I knew it.” You groaned at the throbbing headache that formed as the result of getting hit in the head by whatever Ruby had used.

“Too bad, Sammy didn’t.” Ruby rolled her eyes. “You know I was supposed to kill you the night you cheated on him but well after that heated performance I didn’t think you were a problem anymore.”

“Screw you.” You pulled at your restraints. “If I’m not a problem then why am I tied up?”

Ruby gave a grin that made you shiver in fear. “I have some time to spare before Sam makes it to where I’m supposed to be. Dean’s busy so he won’t be coming back for a couple of hours. And I really don’t like you.”

3 hours and 42 minutes of extreme torture. She had started by cutting deep wounds in your stomach and continued lower... She filleted your feet and skinned random parts of your body. One of your ears were torn off at some point. Your wrists and ankles were raw from where you had been pulling on your restraints. Your fingernails were on the floor somewhere and by now all you could see was your own red blood soaking the bed sheets.

You don’t know how you hadn’t bled out by now but you had wished you did. There was no coming back from this. If you had somehow survived... there wouldn’t be a life worth living after. Even though you had believed that, when you heard the rumbling of the Impala, hope sparked in you. Dean was back. He could save you. He could stop her and save the world. Ruby had explained to you her entire plan while torturing you. How Sam killing Lilith was the final seal to release Lucifer.

“Dean.” The gargled, quiet plea was silenced by Ruby as she used her knife to quickly slice your tongue off. The pain the seared through your body as she shoved the pillowcase into your mouth when there was a knock on the door.

You watched as she quickly changed her clothes and cleaned the blood off of her arms. She strutted across the room to the door. He won’t see you from that angle...

“Where’s Y/n?” You heard Dean demand when Ruby peaked her head out.

“With Sam, obviously.” Ruby rolled her eyes.

“This is their room.” You could hear the undertone of hurt in his voice.

“She wasn’t too keen on well... using the same bed as Sam and I.” Ruby shrugged. “They’re four rooms down.”

“I’ll go make sure myself.” Dean glared at Ruby and stalked down towards the door, fully prepared to bang on the door... Until he heard the familiar sound of a headboard banging on the wall. In a moment he felt his heart tear before pushing it down and backing away.

“I warned you.” Ruby grinned as Dean stalked past her with an angry look on his face.

A gargled noise left your mouth as tears left a clean stream of skin down your face.

“That’s actually some prostitute and a senator but Dean doesn’t know that.” Ruby spoke quieter, now that she knew Dean was in his room adjacent to yours.  “He really loves you, did you know that?”

A strangled noise left your mouth.

“I’m going to mix your blood in with the demon blood Sam’s going to drink.” Ruby grinned. “I’ll tell him once he free’s Lucifer.”

And then in a quick slash, your throat was opened and you quickly bled out of existence.

Sam and Dean stared in horror as the screen faded away. They didn’t know... They didn’t know that Ruby had slaughtered you like that.

“So much emotion. I really outdid myself there.” Chuck stood, clapping as the lights turned on.

“I could have saved her.” Dean whispered. He felt dizzy and exhausted.

“Both of us could have.” Sam felt nauseous and disgusted with himself.

“No-No.” Dean spat angrily. “You were jacked up on demon blood. You weren’t yourself. I was. I should have known. I should have-”

“Don’t- just don’t” Chuck cut him off with that familiar dissatisfied look. “Just enjoy my gift while it lasts.”

And then he was gone and the brothers were free to move.

“You-You loved her?” Sam spoke after a few moments of silence.

Dean nodded as he sat on one of the chairs with his head in his hands. He couldn’t get the image of you, tortured and broken on that bed out of his head. A new nightmare to plague his sleep. One worse than all.

“It was just a crush when we were kids.” Dean spoke, trying to hide the fact the emotions he was feeling. “And then you guys got together and I was annoyed and then I got back from hell and... she was so sad.”

“Because of me...” Sam felt his heart break again at the thought of you.

“I never... I never slept with her.” Dean looked up at Sam. “There were a few kisses and some nights where she would sleep in my bed with me. But I never took in any further because I knew that you loved her too. I knew that it wasn’t you hurting her. But I couldn’t let her think that nobody was going to treat her right-”

“I get it.” Sam nodded. “I just thought she was alive somewhere. Hunting, living her life.”

“I thought she would have been married by now. With kids... A normal life.” Dean closed his eyes when he felt his tears well up. “I hoped that she got out.”

It felt like they sat there in silence forever, lost in there own emotions before Dean’s phone rang.

“I’m not dealing with this shit right now-” Dean was fully ready to reject the call until he saw who was calling.

“What game is Chuck playing?” Sam growled when he saw who was calling.

A picture of you, smiling and alive was splayed onto Dean’s phone.

[causticsunshine]

sorry yet again i haven’t been here much lately, besides the focus issues limiting my actual productivity and trying to avoid being online all the time although animal crossing isn’t helping my productivity either lmao i’ve been trying to limit my time in spaces that overwhelm me really easily, distract me a lot, and/or don’t always make me feel great? 

a good amount of the bad feelings i get about myself are unintentional, like it’s really difficult for me to process things in a way i think a lot people do so instead of just moving on from something or reading/viewing it how it is, my brain endlessly fixates on the thing - whether it’s notes on a post/reactions on something, or a ‘fave fics/art pieces’ rec list, or even people talking back and forth on a text post or in a server channel, really nothing in particular that should affect me directly at all - and suddenly it morphs into something negative in my head w/o me even intending to process it that way.

and yeah, i do 100% still think sometimes we all have the tendency to be tone deaf to a point - ie by way of the ‘we’re all friends here :)))’ mindset which is... definitely not a good sign from my past experiences (and the more i see it pushed in a group setting the more unsettled i feel and i think we need to stop it and if you wanna know why then DM me and i’ll send you a Dissertation on why), as well as (accidental) exclusivity under the intention of being more inclusive to others (like i very much appreciate being tagged in those ‘tag all your favorite fandom people here to show them they’ve loved!’ posts i know so many people don’t get on them and i don’t want to worsen the issue of feeling excluded just bc i have been mentioned in something for once, esp because i feel out of bounds in this space 90% of the time), and popularity contests under the guise of showing support for creators that feel very pinpointed and clique-y etc. - whether we mean it or not, but i know rn that whether something is accidentally tone deaf, purposely so, or it’s all just me not being able to process things correctly or healthily, i shouldn’t be spending continual time in spaces that perpetuate these things.

i feel like a broken record about a lot of the things that bother me about fandom in general that i feel are ignored overall or that we just kinda go ‘well that’s just how it is’ at, instead of trying to proactively fix the persisting issues, so i’m not talking about those things directly here rn (although on discord or even twitter i just kinda go Off The Rails now because either i get ignored like i do here or people actually want to discuss things in a proactive way, and my reasoning is that i don’t want to feed into any of the compliancy i’ve been involved in anymore over numerous things i take issue with that make fandom feel clique-y and Not Fun and demoralizing) -- here specifically i just mean in regards to how i personally take small mundane things that should have no tie to or bearing on me and somehow always end up twisting them into something negative about myself.

like i don’t want to come online and immediately feel like right shit because of xyz over my art, my writing, etc., because i know we all have our own pace and processes and whatever else bc it’s all valid and creativity is personal and there’s no need to feel embarrassed or ashamed or as negative as i do (or anyone for that matter) about things that no one will give me flack on but me, but for some reason rn that’s all i’m doing and i can’t stop? so i’m just gonna keep giving myself space for my own sanity.

if you got this far though and anyone else is in the same boat or wants to discuss any of this in a larger capacity though pls feel free to DM me or send me an ask? when it’s about more personal stuff like this i’m pretty unabashed to a point but toeing into discourse territory i’m more tired with shit than anything else anymore and i’m feeling a lot less compelled to stay silent about things that actually bother me + others when it comes to something that should be fun and a form of escapism.

[cra-a-ave]

Grad School

Honestly? I don’t know why I signed up for this and sometimes it just seems like a really dumb choice since it is so time consuming and dry and I’d rather just not have to study more after so many years of school… I kinda just want to recuperate, earn some money, sort out my life, NOT have to worry about school, school, school…

 Sometimes I want to do things like write a blog or post youtube videos but other times, that just feels so basic? Kinda want to do things that feel more “real” and less of the stuff that everybody and their mother wants to do… Kinda just want to be my authentic self which honestly, I know longer know. I don’t think I know who I am without social media anymore and that kinda sucks…?

 Kinda want to do things like write a book, write poetry, meditation, flexibility, explore places, enjoy the world around me…. NOT have to worry about “the gram” or showing it off to the rest of the world, half of the people in which I don’t even talk to, haven’t talked to in years and they have nothing to do with me? Really, I just want to be me without without the need to show off to the world “who I am” and “all the things I can do” because honestly, that’s just really toxic.

 I’ve been downloading and then deleting Instagram and facebook on and off again mostly because of just how superficial that world is and how it is also turning ME into a highly superficial person… It’s all a huge game of keeping up with the Joneses… And I still remember that when I didn’t use social media, I did so much better at LIFE? I actually had a tiny resemblance of discipline and got good grades even though I was “uncool” as fuck?

 The silence and peace of not being bombarded with pictures of pretty girls with perfect bodies in bikinis, picturesque places that I’m not allowed to go to, all these motivational quotes that sometimes just do more harm than good, rich people… It’s just priceless…

 In all honesty, I never wanted to do postgrad… I never wanted to jump into further studies after so many years of schooling and swore to myself that I wouldn’t do that because I knew that wasn’t what I wanted. I wanted to just be done with schooling and just make money, “adult” and use my own time for my own shit, travel and figure out my “career path” or “future”, whatever that means… I wanted to save postgrad studies for when I have a clearer idea of what I want to do with my life and go in with purpose and am actually intrinsically motivated to get where I want to go; wherever that is… Definitely didn’t see myself stuck here in the middle of pandemic that is both fucking shit up and in a situation where the economy is shit but everything SEEMS normal…

 YET? COVID happened. I just happened to graduate at the worst time in living history. There’s a travel ban and I can’t go anywhere. Classes are all online. People all over the world are dying. Heck, I want to see my grandma but I CAN’T! I’m stuck at home all day.

 So WHY the FUCK did I jump into grad school straight after undergrad?

The government subsidized my course and I thought it would be a good idea to have a business analytics course under my belt. Truthfully, I don’t know how much it would impact my career since I don’t really want to stay in a job that forces me to sit in front of the computer all day for the “rest of my life” and I haven’t really worked full time at all to really notice any difference and will have nothing to really compare my work life after this course to. Heck, SAS and interpreting data for OTHER PEOPLE is kinda just BORING AS FUCK. I thought it would give me something to do since I graduated LOST and I wasn’t hearing back from and help me SOMEHOW in my future “career” (honey I just want a rich husband at this point lmao)… I guess I saw “more school” as a bit of a safety net…

 I guess people around me, especially my parents and extended family, did “encourage” me to ride out the pandemic with postgrad… But yeah I’ll also admit that it’s INCREDIBLY demoralizing to try to get through even this trimester when you don’t genuinely and passionately want the degree you’re getting or you have a VERY good reason to get this degree- idk the case with international students but pretty sure MOST of them are not doing accounting because they really love accounting…

 What’s my end goal in getting this degree? What if I don’t even land an AMAZING job after this? L

 My mental state needs help.

 I realise that I am so bad with my emotions and more often than not, I just ignore my emotions until they come back in a much sinister manner after being emotionally repressed for so long…

 And I hate the fact that I overthink things and don’t really prioritise my own happiness…

 And I guess I could use this as a time to “cultivate myself” a little…