#and then later on if he got on good terms with zoe they might write a song together!

[spirirsstuff]

hear me out. connor murphy but musically educated

[miracleandplagueau]

So, here's a thing about Marinette.

She is a kind, rather cultured person, agrees to a lot of things, but also knows when to stand her ground and say no. The averagest of average protagonist models you can write with the exception of her obsessive personality trait. About Derision later, but she might possibly be one of the blandest characters I've seen in popular media

While watching Demon Slayer's finale yesterday, I realized something. Marinette is very much like Tanjiro. She can be both kind and badass when needed, be humble and be confident whenever the writers need her to be. Marinette is like Tanjiro -- written to be liked. She wasn't written to be unique or stand out from the crowd nor was she ever supposed to make a breakthrough in how to write a compelling protagonist to root for. She is a vessel. An empty vessel to watch in the background, because once you start analyzing her, it's over for your sanity

But why is she so hated then... She's so kind, so extremely helpful. A person everyone can get along with (famous people count too I suppose), but she also has her own frustrations like deal with brats who apparently targetted her as their victim for no apparent reason!! She has struggl-- It's nothing new. Look at it a little closer, go in depth and tell me that she has a consistent personality. She's more of a big pile of clay that the writers will model and shape according to their mood and how they want a certain storyline to end. Even Chat Noir has more consistent personality than her despite being neglected by both his own father and the writers. I guess more isn't always the merrier.

Is it actually hard to give YOUR PROTAGONIST a DAMN CONFLICT?! HER ONLY CONFLICT IS WHETHER SAYING "HI" TO ADRIEN WILL RUIN THEIR FUTURE TOGETHER. GIVE HER FLAWS GIVE HER CONSEQUENCES MAKE HER LEARN THE LESSON THE HARD WAY

Actually, I take it back. There is one conflict. Well, "conflict" or rather a turning moment for her is when she loses all miraculouses, which is followed by a nasty panic attack. That's it. That's all I could think of from the top of my head.

The only thing that really makes her stand out is her obssessive nature towards Adrien and we got some insight on why in the season 5 episode Derision and you know what I have to say about that? Fucking BULLSHIT. In a very short summary, Marinette crushed on Kim, but he humiliated her whilst working with Chloe. After that event, she decided she will only confess to someone when she knows them through and through. Putting aside the fact that we only then found out that Marinette had a friend that wasn't Alya, It's actually a total asspull in terms of Kim's behavior. Why would Marinette be friendly to Kim in Dark Cupid when he did something like THAT to her? Why is he potrayed as a funny, a little misguided himbo in the friend group - did nobody actually know about what's happened? I mean obviously they had to so why is everyone pretending like everything is fine? Why is SHE pretending everything is fine? Did she forget?! The answer is no, because Derision was not planned from the beginning. Thomas heard that his beloved protagonist isn't liked and went back to the drawing board to cook up some fake depth to her. Despite what I said, I'd actually love to see an episode like that, maybe Chloe IS the bitch we're lead to believe she is and I could've accepted it as a valid explanation to both Marinette behavior and her cruel, unchanging nature....

IF IT WAS IN SEASON ONE OR TWO

Putting a lore piece like that in the final season of the story is actually fucking ridiculous. Do you really expect me to care NOW?! When we're like 15 episodes from the FINALE OF THE SHOW? Na-ah, absolutely fucking not

Everytime I see a post praising Derision for how well written it is my stomach does a fucking cartwheel this is not an exaggeration

Marinette is like Zoe except Marinette is actually an asshole sometimes. It would be good If she was! I want to see an asshole protagonist where I'll have to see them change before I start rooting for them, but Marinette is neither changing, evolving or facing consequences. Using a miraculous for her personal gain and lashing out as Ladybug on Lila? it was a good fucking moment. I found it uncomfortable and embarassing to watch AND THAT'S A GOOD THING. IT HAD LONG LASTING CONSEQUENCES in form of Lila being a menance in return. Then again, I can't exactly praise Lila because she's equally as stupid- sorry, everyone's brains and common sense seem to evaporate when they're in Lila's closest proximity, but that's where they're similar. Everyone seems to lose their awareness when Marinette does her puppy eyes to break into a house too.

She is genuinely getting harder to watch and don't even get me started on season 5 because I've seen the leaks alright

[medicallymercury]

A History of Violence Trailer Review

so, the trailer happened…

I just feel a bit like

bros….. (usual ranting below the cut)

I’ll talk about Teddy first because what is the point of this blog at this point, if not to go on about him? I watched through most of it and I was like “wow, he’s not being slutty, this is amazing for me” and then we got to the end and I clocked into the PR job. For some reason, probably projection-related ones, I struggle to believe he’d cheat on someone. But Casualty has deigned that he must and I guess that Holbyverse infidelity is basically a minor moral offence that about 50% of the population of the city must have committed at least once. Still feels especially bad coming from Teddy; hypocrisy you can see from space or whatever I said about “New Romance For Teddy” in that post a while back. Him crying? Great, I’m horrible to my faves and I love all the episodes where he is sad. And Jan’s there for him, so their relationship hasn’t been ruined past the point of no return (which I’m not surprised about, those two were always going to reconcile). If it weren’t for the infidelity, I’d probably be really excited to see what happens next in Casualty and with Teddy but it’s kinda casting a shadow that I need to come to terms with.

Also, I’m a tiny bit convinced Sah might leave/be killed off and I have been for a while. I don’t think I’ve seen a picture of Arin filming in ages but I’ve seen loads of pictures of all the others together, without them. I thought it would be weird for them to fake-leave only to real-leave a couple months later but this trailer has also got me like 👀👀 for reasons I won’t specify because I’ll sound like a conspiracy theorist, I’m probably being silly and I’m not necessarily expecting that Sah will go but I’m definitely considering the possibility.

Brief acknowledgment of FAITH STUFF WILL NEVER BE OVER, WILL IT? Still no comment beyond that.

For all that I don’t enjoy Faith and Iain stuff, it does seem to be related to some Jacob and Iain stuff in the trailer and I’ve really been enjoying their interactions so there’s that. Honestly, Jacob joining the paramedics has made Iain feel like he’s more integrated into the paramedics as a team than he was when it was just him, Jan, Teddy and Sah.

The stuff with Stevie looks really, really good. I’m really excited to see where they go with that.

So does the stuff with Jodie and Max. And Max’s mum is back too! I do wonder if the same issue I’m having with Teddy right now might start to affect Jodie a little but at least she hasn’t got anyone she should be being loyal to. I also enjoy Dylan’s continued involvement in the Max and Jodie stuff.

New characters look great, we’ve heard about Siobhan joining and she looks interesting even if I’m still bitter about Donna, but I think Ngozi is introduced to us by this trailer so that’s exciting (though I do worry a new staff nurse means Ryan, who was slowly growing on me, is leaving). Also, Zoe returning, which is something I feel like we’ve known about forever now.

Brief, but there was Rida and Rash stuff and I hope we’re about to get a sweet romance with no horrors. I guess I love the horrors on some level, or I wouldn’t watch it, but it’s nice to have something pleasant happening in between.

Oh yeah, Charlie’s leaving. That’s the whole big thing. I know it’s a big landmark for the show but I don’t really care.

Overall, I guess I’m looking forward to it being back. The focus seems to be on the Stevie storyline and the Max and Jodie storyline, and at least that hopefully means that the continuation of the Faith Stuff will take a backseat compared to before the break. Teddy… I don’t know. I believed that the questionable things he did before the break made sense for his character, they felt like reasonable developments on his personality even if they weren’t always the writing choices I would’ve made (cough the proposal). But I struggle to believe he’d do this. I think he would have to be really going through it to do something like that, and I guess he has been really going through it, but unless the writers lean into that fact when making him do this, I think I’ll struggle to come to terms with it as part of his character. A real mixed bag of a trailer for me but at least Casualty-typical horrors are still being inflicted on the paramedics, some things never change.

[I recognise that Iain is also THE STRUGGLER right now, but this is how I made it so this is how it stays.]

[sweetlittlevampire]

Rima’s Wangxian Fic Rec

So I’ve compiled these specifically for @inessencedevided , but hey, we’re all here to spread the love, so please, share and reshare to your heart’s content! :D

I’ll start with “Personal Favourites” - there are many more that I would consider a Personal Favourite, but I’ve picked those specifically because I thought you’d enjoy them. AU fics will also be included, because there are some real gems out there, and some still take place in canon universe, but with a twist, so...yeah.

Main pairing is Wangxian; I somehow don’t tend to read much else. ^^;

This thing is going to be loooong, so please find everything under the Read More. And feel free to let me know if a link doesn’t work so I can fix it.

Personal Favourites

爱不释手; never let me go by yiqie

Rating: Explicit

Warning: Graphic Depictions Of Violence

Length:  68713 words

Chapters: 1

Status: Completed

Author’s summary: “Wei Wuxian has certainly hoped so ardently in his two lifetimes, for so many different things, in so many different ways, that he could have summoned the demon to his front door with his bare hands. His eyes wander to Lan Zhan, settle on the back of his head, the blue-black curtain of his hair. Oh, how he has hoped.”

A case fic! And one of my personal all-time favourites as well! It is so well-crafted, with an engaging and captivating plot, a TON of OCs who actually do contribute to the story, and a few scenes that are so beautiful I could weep. Got hyped up on twitter, and rightfully so. It’s a delight to read.

Rabbit Heart by  Suaine

Rating: Mature

Warning: N/A

Length:   56590 words in total

Chapters: 6

Status: Completed

Author’s summary: “ Wei Wuxian walks his lonely road, but he’s not going to leave Lan Wangji entirely alone. That would be boring. “

Another case fic! Set after the show’s ending, Wei Wuxian goes his way, but leaves the paper man behind to keep Lan Wangji company. I loved this one to pieces - it has intriguing subplots and will make your heart melt several times.

Those are actually thonly two case fics I’ve read so far, but for more, be sure to visit @wangxianfics ‘s Case Fic section. It has many more, and I am planning on reading several of them.

the earth remembered me by  remux

Rating: Teen and Up Audiences

Warning: N/A

Length:  30321  words so far

Chapters: 2 out of scheduled 4

Status: Ongoing

Author’s Summary: “All around him, summer throbs like a heartbeat, undeniably alive. Wounds begin to heal. And Wei Wuxian, with sweat on his brow, feels ripe. Wei Wuxian, with his hands deep in the soil and mud between his toes, remembers something simple and primitive and utterly transformative: It feels good to make things grow. OR: Wei Wuxian’s travel guide to finding your place in the world.”

This fic changed me. Like, literally. It’s still ongoing, but I don’t even care. It’s not a case fic, but I’m 100% sure you’ll love it. It’s pure poetry and catharsis, and it hurts so much, but it’s so necessary. I think I cried several times while reading each of the chapters, and I’m eagerly but patiently awaiting the next one. It follows Wei Wuxian’s journey after he leaves the Cloud Recesses in episode 50 and tells the story of what he does and experiences before he returns back to Lan Wangji. So it’s absically only Wei Wuxian, Lil’ Apple, and the people they meet along his way.

Begotten by  ecorie

Rating: General Audiences

Warning: N/A

Length:   37279  words

Chapters: 6

Status: Completed

Author’s Summary: “He’s mine.” He echoed what had once been teasingly said in jest, and added, “This is my son.” Against all odds and without a choice, Lan Zhan brings A-Yuan back to Cloud Recesses. Xichen keeps his brother’s secrets, and shields the child when Lan Zhan could not.“

Also known as: Filling in the blanks with everything that happened in those 13 years. I loved this one. Wangji = Best Dad, Sizhui = Best Son.

Canon Universe

(not necessarily canon compliant though)

the soft animal by  cafecliche

Rating: Teen And Up Audiences

Warning: N/A

Length:   5046  words

Chapters: 1

Status: Completed

Author’s Summary: “You don’t think that’s strange?” he says. His voice, his new voice, is familiar now. But sometimes it almost startles him, hearing it come from his mouth. “It’s been nine months. I’ve used them almost every day. I should know how long these legs are.” (Or: Wei Wuxian has a plan to train Mo Xuanyu’s body. The results aren’t quite what he expects.)“

A very interesting take on Wei Wuxian, and how he comes to terms with his new body. Something I had not seen previously explored, and I really loved how the author handled it.

Come let me love you (Come love me again) by  obsessivereader

Rating: Teen And Up Audiences

Warning: N/A

Length:  9105   words

Chapters: 1

Status: Completed

Author’s Summary: “The notes from the dizi cut off as Wei Ying goes absolutely still. Over the quiet whisper of the wind through grass, Lan Wangji can hear the rapid beat of his own heart. Wei Ying's hands drop to his side slowly, so slowly, as though time has slowed down for both of them. He turns, a look almost of fear on his face. And then...And then, Wei Ying smiles—slow and beautiful and warm and relieved as though Lan Wangji standing before him is a treasured dream fulfilled. "Lan Zhan," he breathes.“

A “What happens after the end of the last episode?”-fic. I’m kind of a sucker for those. This one is very sweet and tender; I absolutely loved the interactions between Lan Wangji and Wei Wuxian, and the gentleness of it all. I also adore the song it’s been titled after (”Annie’s Song” by John Denver, if you’re curious).

Death of a Ghost by  Gotcocomilk

Rating: Explicit

Warning: N/A

Length:   107397 words in total

Chapters: 30

Status: Completed

Author’s Summary: “There was a ghost that haunted the decks of Lotus Pier, it was said. If you stepped across the wooden planks at night, walked along the endless docks and flying purple banners, he would appear. He was always in darkest black, dressed as specter and shadow. In the emptiness where a face should be was a thick fog, features washed away and leaving behind only glimmering red eyes. He looked ferocious as a ghoul, it was said. Jin Ling thought he looked sad.“

Full disclosure - I am five chapters into this thing, and I am already recommending it, I am that intrigued. There is some serious Yunmeng Bros stuff in there which I think you are going to love, and the interactions between said ghost and Jin Ling are - aaaah! Cannot wait to continue!

wrap your name tight around my ribs by  sasukepositive

Rating: General Audiences

Warning: N/A

Length:   8728 words

Chapters: 1

Status: Completed

Author’s Summary: “ In true Wei Ying fashion, his return comes with a dose of mischief. “

Another “What happens after the end of the last episode?”-fic, with a good dose of Wangxian family feels. In fact. the whole thing is a huge chunk of feels. A very soft, delicate, and sweet fic, which will leave you feeling warm and fuzzy.

please linger by  sasukepositive

Rating: General Audiences

Warning: N/A

Length:   5636 words

Chapters: 1

Status: Completed

Author’s Summary: “ When A-Yuan begins crying, Lan Wangji knows it makes sense. He understands that crying will not harm him — he logically knows that. However, A-Yuan’s little face turns red so quickly that it leaves Lan Wangji a little panicked.“Ah,” he begins helplessly, stepping forward in an attempt at — something. He doesn’t know what. “It’s okay.” or: sometimes the man you love assures you that his mysteriously acquired child will nap until he gets back from shopping. for sure. “

If you liked the Dad Date Lan Wangji and Wei Wuxian had with A-Yuan in Yiling, then you’ll love this one. It’s a fill-the-gaps fic in which Lan Wangji returns to Yiling several times to see Wei Wuxian and A-Yuan. Still follows canon events though, hence the bittersweet ending, but it is still so so lovely.

I hope that you will come and meet me by  feyburner

Rating: Mature

Warning: N/A

Length:   28385 words

Chapters: 1

Status: Completed

Author’s Summary: “ The second time Lan Zhan said Wei Ying, come back, Wei Wuxian did. “

Another one of tehse post-show-canon fics. I love everything feyburner writes, and this was the first fic of theirs I came across. I love the feeloings described in it, and just how sweet it is. One of those fics in which the way the mature part is executed just makes the whole thing even sweeter.

Alternate Universe

(but sometimes within the canon universe?)

Merman Lan Wangji!AU by  FleetofShippyShips ( @fleetofshippyships here on tumblr)

- which is a series of connected fics, and not one long fic with chapters, hence why the formatting is different here. 5 entries so far; ungoing. Teen And Up Audiences

...which is definetely a personal favourite of mine, - you might have noticed, since I’ve been drawing a ton for this particular AU. But since I don’t know if yu’re into merfolk!AUs I didn’t list it up there with the personal favourites.

It is following canon so far, only that Lan Wangji is, as the title suggests, a merman - with secrets.

I adore the atmosphere of this series so much, and the way Zoe writes it is just so beautiful. It’s a story in which I could live, and if you’re in for the ride, I can assure you that there will be many surprises to come.

Welcome to Gusu  by  perkynurples ( @bilboo here on tumblr)

Rating: Teen And Up Audiences

Warning: N/A

Length:   30853 words so far

Chapters: 5 so far

Status: Ongoing

Author’s Summary: “ Deep in the lush forests of Gusu hides an aging resort that hosts dozens of children every summer for an unforgettable couple of weeks. It’s where Lan Wangji grew up alongside Wei Wuxian, and when his childhood friend (for the lack of a better term) surprisingly returns years later in the position of Senior Counsellor, seemingly hell bent on causing the same kind of mischief that got him kicked out of Gusu in the first place, but also taller, broader and tanner than ever before, Lan Wangji knows he’s In Trouble. Or, this fic has it all: longing looks over campfires, found family dynamics, ill-timed skinny dipping, teenagers inappropriately shipping their counsellors, LAKE MONSTERS “

Annie wasn’t lying when she said this fic has it all. What started as some kind of crack fic turned into something beautiful that completely owns my heart.  The interactions between the characters are so heartwarming, and while I sense that some major drama is going to occur soon, I also know that this will eventually have a happy ending. It’s delightful, and it does belong to my personal favourites as well.

Some of You by  tangerinechar

Rating: Mature

Warning: N/A

Length:   60640 words

Chapters: 7

Status: Completed

Author’s Summary: “Lan Wangji gets drunk and tweets a love confession, Wei Wuxian panics, and all of twitter decides to matchmake Lan Wangji and his mystery guy. “

A social media fic! And a hilarious one at that! If you’re in the mood for an extra panicky, extra obnoxious Wei Wuxian? This is the fic for you. It has one of the sweetest love confessions ever. There’s some background Xicheng too.

Window Shopping by  thunderwear

Rating: Explicit

Warning: N/A

Length:   18000 words

Chapters: 1

Status: Completed

Author’s Summary: “Lan Wangji didn't look out across the other apartment building often, but now, as he scooped up his escaped rabbit, he looked over only to see a piece of paper taped to the window of the apartment across from him. It was written on purple construction paper in big block letters, like a child had written it. WHAT'S YOUR BUNNY'S NAME???“

I did already rec this one to you, but WHO CARES? A Quarantine fic! The first one I came across, and I loved it! A friend of mine thought Wei Wuxian was OOC, but I disagree - he didn’t exactly grow up in the same circumstances as in canon, and his life situation isn’t 100% the same, so I still think it fits. A-Yuan makes an appearance, and the interactions between Lan Wangji, Wei Wuxian, and the boy are just so very cute!

Home is Where the Heart is by  Alipeeps ( @alipeeps here on tumblr)

Rating: General Audiences

Warning: N/A

Length:  10036 words

Chapters: 1

Status: Completed

Author’s Summary: “Wei Ying’s expression is tight and unhappy, his entire body held rigidly away from Lan Zhan.He doesn’t look at Lan Zhan as he says, “You don’t have to worry, Lan Zhan, I’m never going to touch you.”The distaste in Wei Ying’s voice makes Lan Zhan’s blood run cold.“Just because our families have arranged this marriage, we don’t have to be together… like that…” Wei Ying’s mouth twists unpleasantly. “It can be a marriage in name only. A...” he swallows, looking like he might be sick, “...a business arrangement.”

Arranged Marriage AUs are also one of my weaknesses, especially if the two soon-to-be-married people are actually in love with each other but have yet to confess, This one does the trick. It’s modern era with no cultivation, and the mutual pining is REAL in this one.

what else is there? by  mme_anxious

Rating: Teen And Up Audiences

Warning: N/A

Length:   12917 words

Chapters: 1

Status: Completed

Author’s Summary: “Did you hear the terrible news? Yiling Laozu Wei Wuxian has gone beyond the pale! He has murdered Hanguang-Jun!”This is the first thing the swan hears flying over Yiling, and it sets him to hissing. It’s the kind of sound he would never make as a human, but as a swan—a mute swan— hissing is the only form of communication available to Lan Wangji. So he hisses. -Jin Guangyao transforms Lan Wangji into a swan. Only an act of love will break the curse.”

A fairytale!AU based on Swan Lake. You might have seen my Swangji drawing; this is the fic it was drawn for. It takes place in canon universe and is super lovely and magical. I may have cried a bit.

all your life you’ll dream of this by  Attila ( @attilarrific here on tumblr)

Rating: Teen And Up Audiences

Warning: N/A

Length:  22668 words

Chapters: 1

Status: Completed

Author’s Summary: “Lan Wangji should refuse. He should. He looks back down at the mask. Beneath it is the soft creamy paper of the invitation. He could present this at the door and slip into the palace and—“Go see him, Wangji,” Lan Xichen says quietly, and Lan Wangji feels his resolve crumble beneath him”

Another fairytale!AU - this time, it’s loosely based on Cinderella, with Lan Wangji as Cinderella and the forehead ribbon as glass slipper. Such a lovely lovely fic. May also have cried a bit; it’s heartfelt and magical and so warm and sweet.

Love wakes me by  dea_liberty

Rating: Explicit

Warning: N/A

Length:   42812 words in total

Chapters: 4

Status: Completed

Author’s Summary: "It starts with a bet. All mistakes, Wei Wuxian thinks, start with a bet. It’s starts with a bet and ends with Wei Wuxian losing everything. Nine years ago, Wei Wuxian made a bet with disastrous consequences. Now, he is part-owner of the popular and eclectic Yiling Cafe, years and miles away from his old life, making the best of things and trying to leave the past where it belongs. When Lan Wangji walks into his cafe by accident, Wei Wuxian finds himself doing what he thought he'd never do again; reclaiming some small part of his past, and hoping for a future he'd given up as lost.”

If someone had told me that I would fall head over heels in love with a Coffee Shop AU, of all things? I would have laughed...yet here we are. I’ve read this thing in one sitting and cannot stop thinking about it. I absolutely have to reread it; it’s slowly but surely becoming one of my personal favourites.

[simplylove101]

Random Tangent About Ships & Cheating SLs

So, I was talking with my friend Lauren (@backtothestart02) yesterday about how when it comes to watching our shows and seeing certain ships of ours having cheating sls & how that affects how we feel towards them. This convo kinda came about cuz of the recent development we’ve heard about on Riverdale where Betty & Archie are gonna be cheating on their respective significant others with each other in the next episode... Which, okay, at this point I don’t even watch the show anymore since it sounds like it’s pretty much on crack these days (at least more than usual lol) so this isn’t your typical rant about “OMG HOW DARE YOU MESS WITH MY OTP LIKE THAT” in regards to that sl (re: yes, Bughead was my ship when I watched it but my investment in the show has been pretty much non-existent for way over a year now so that’s not my goal with this rant fyi lol) It’s just more the frustration of the excitement I’ve seen from people being all “YAY CHEATING” Cuz, yeah ok, it’s a silly TV show. Obviously. I get that lmao It’s just the reactions I’ve been seeing that are funny cuz there’s people who talk about toxic relationships and normally how cheating is a dealbreaker but in this one specific case we’re all suddenly cool with it... Okay lmao but yeah, if the ship has to happen because a character died or cheating is involved... doesn’t that already cheapen that new relationship too (and their character development along with it? lol)

Anyway, I actually just really wanted to use this as a chance to rant about my ships that made me deal with cheating sls and why those are basically the worse “obstacles” a show can throw at ships. At least that is, if you want people to root for them long term. lol Cheating obviously happens in real life, but then that’s usually the end of a relationship. Which is why I don’t think it’s surprising that when it comes to fiction, I find the element of cheating to be something that kinda taints my otps for me if it occurs in the story. 

I can think of a couple of cases where I was able to accept it cuz the show mostly did right by them after the situation by showing the growth and how that would never been an issue again. But the cases where the cheating happens and it just feels like this thing that makes it so you can’t enjoy any of the things that came before it with that couple? That sucks. It feels cheap and like, really bad writing.

I think my thoughts on this subject stems all the way back to my very first TV ship: Jackie & Hyde from That 70′s Show. Anyone who really watched that show remembers that 2 episode arc of where Hyde thought Jackie cheated on him with Kelso (she hadn’t ofc but he did see her comforting him in a way that would be suspicious considering Kelso had wanted her back) so he cheated on her with a random nurse as payback. I remember watching the next episode heartbroken at the scene where Hyde has to tell her what he did after he realizes that he pulled that move for no reason at all and Jackie ultimately breaks up with him on the spot. Which I applauded her for. Because the girl had gotten cheated on by Kelso so much that she vowed that she wouldn’t let that happen to her again. Her relationship with Steven was supposed to be different, and up until that point, had been. It was a step back for all the development they had spent with them all season, but with how raw Hyde was during that scene and the scene where he tells Jackie that he loves her (evidenced by the fact that he actually isn’t wearing his usual sunglasses in either of those scenes), it can be said that it was clearly just a momentary regression. Do I think they could have handled it better towards getting them back together? Yeah. But then it was a sitcom so you gotta keep that in mind too. lol Otherwise, they mostly did right by them once they were back together until things got shaky again. But then this rant isn’t about how they deserved the endgame they were supposed to get and were robbed of. LOL But yeah, this is one of the rare cases they weren’t completely tainted for me.

(For those of you that have never seen this ep....)

Another case of a ship where cheating happened, but in this case did have my ship pretty much tainted for me at the time was Joan & Adam on Joan of Arcadia. This is more a lowkey scenario cuz nobody who sees this will know them basically but I loved them dearly and I watched that show (pun not intended at all lol) religiously when it was on so when that sl came very much out of nowhere I was (I’d say) rightfully upset about it. There was no reason to have Adam cheat on Joan. It was just plain character assassination of a fan favorite, and for what? Drama??? I still have no idea. All I know it was a far cry from the boy who charmed his way into Joan’s heart in S1 who wasn’t even thinking about sex when they got together (Heck, *she* was the one who thought they were supposed to have sex in S1 at one point and again, that wasn’t even on his radar at the time lol). Enter later S2, he makes her feel pressured about them doing it a bit and then later he cheats on her with this random girl that we saw a couple times talking to him because of this... Um?? That’s just bad writing cuz it’s OOC. lol What’s worse is that Joan found out about this in the 19th episode of the season so when the show got cancelled, there had been barely any development after that. There was some since there was like 3 episodes or so after that, which meant there was just enough time to get them to a sorta neutral place with each other since they had the same friend group but otherwise, not much closure for shippers. Which was frustrating. You can’t just take that sharp of a turn in the story that late in a season with an unguaranteed next season with your main couple, especially if the cheating is coming out of left field. You just can’t, not if you want me to root for them at least. So.... yeah. That was bad. lol Definitely an example of why sometimes cheating does not need to be a storyline on a show.

(For context...)

I was trying to think if there were any ships before this one that i would want to mention, and there might have been, but I can’t think of them at the moment. Which means next on the list is Zoe & Wade on Hart of Dixie. They’re still a big otp for me, which does show I was able to move past their cheating sl but again, they did get tainted a bit too. In some ways, their sl gave me some deja vu with Jackie & Hyde. At least in the way that the guy chooses to sleep with someone in a very rash way, and you just know this is gonna lead to an automatic breakup the second the girl finds out. There was no denying Zoe was gonna break up with him. It was heartbreaking to watch her come to the realization that he had cheated on her. And it was frustrating because it felt like they only got to be a proper couple for like maybe 4 episodes and then they pulled that move. It was like, you’ve been setting me up to root for this couple and... now what? They had undeniable chemistry so I guess the writers always counted on that for when they would ultimately bring them back together and they were right. I was able to root for them again, and it helped there had been some time that had passed (a whole season of them not being together!) and I was missing them a lot. But that said, it still felt like a misstep. Because when you wanna write a breakup, we should just throw in a cheating sl then? There were plenty of other ways to break up Zade, but they went in that direction. It just felt very lame, lazy and pure character regression in a way that didn’t make sense with the story they were telling imo. They were able to show that Wade had matured later on so it worked out, but this is one that made me upset so thank goodness they made up for it. lol

(I dare you not to tear up lol)

Okay, the last ships I’m gonna mention briefly are both on The Bold Type. 

Everyone in that fandom has expressed their frustration with how they handled the Kadena sl where Kat cheated and then they tried to have a open relationship to let her explore a bit or whatever in S2. I actually get where it wasn’t that bad cuz Adena told her she could see the other girls. Enter the next season, Kadena have sex when Kat is still in a relationship technically (I don’t care if she got the approval to see if there were still feelings there or not from Tia, that didn’t mean sleep with the ex. That meant talk) This is one of those cases where for me, cheating is never the ideal way to bring a ship back into the story. I know it happens but this didn’t make Kat or Adena look that great as characters for me. I know shit happens, just saying from a preference. Not gonna get deep into the awkwardness of S4 between these two, beyond saying that after S1, it does seem like the writers don’t fully know how to write them now still. They were a fan favorite ship for the show, and I think despite the bad writing for them sometimes in these later seasons, still are, but they really gotta start being more consistent with them if they want them to be rootworthy again. And please write Adena in character my goodness. The way they wrote her in 4x07 was just not it.

 Which brings me to Janestripe,

They seriously dedicated a whole first half of a season dragging out the reveal that Ryan did more than kiss the lady he cheated on Jane with. I know beforehand the majority of the fandom hated Ryan already and thought Jane should have been with Ben instead, which honestly... ok, whatever. I still say Jane was having doubts about Ben so she was already starting to check out of that relationship a bit before Ryan declared his feelings for her at the end of S2. That said, once again, cheating isn’t ideal so I liked that Jane turned him down until she broke things off with Ben. I think people forget that the person in the middle of a triangle is making a choice and just cuz it’s not the choice you the viewer wanted doesn’t necessarily mean that it has to be the wrong one. Frankly, Ben was kinda dry for me. Idk. Anyway, I appreciated that they were trying to tell a story of growth for Ryan... Until they weren’t. lol They really could have kept it as a kiss but they started planting those little signs that it wasn’t between Ryan looking guilty during convos and then him telling the story again about what happened & it sounding like bullshit. We all knew but they made us wait 9 eps for Jane to figure out. Which was frustrating. I get what message they were trying to send in the end and I respected that but they couldn’t do it faster?? They were sending a lot of signs they were making them endgame by showing how serious they were getting but now? I don’t see them ever interacting again, unless they did find a reason to bring Ryan back but Idk. I just don’t get painting them in that kinda light if you were just planning to tear them down before the season was even over, you know? They could have just ended them in S3 and I would have got it. But they dragged it out into a whole another season and why??? lol

I’m trying to figure out what more I wanna say about this topic. lol Beyond just thinking that I can’t stand cheating sls. I can barely stand any kinda love triangle sls as it is. Why must these tropes exist?? All they do is cause drama in fandoms. Which is prob why I don’t do them in the first place. lol

Anyway, I’m done now. lol

[alixennial]

Queen Of Thieves: Season 1 Review

As soon as I realised they were releasing all 6 routes one after another, I was determined to finish reading them all and do some kind of review before Season 2 kicks off...

Spoilers kept to a minimum - I’ve only vaguely described MC’s involvement in the various heists and my thoughts on the characters. Plot twists are mentioned but not revealed.

Nikolai Stirling

Nikolai is absolutely my type and I knew once the characters were introduced he would most likely be my favourite. I wasn’t prepared for just how much I would love his character and his route. The heist in his story is very well suited to MCs skills, fitting perfectly with the Prologue where Nikolai is admiring her replica paintings. The chemistry between Nikolai and MC is amazing. I love that they are openly attracted to each other but don’t act on it straight away - teasing each other until neither can hold back. In this route, MC is witty, confident, intelligent and on an equal level with Nikolai and she bonds well with the rest of the group. I was pleasantly surprised by Nikolai’s character as I thought we were going to get Chance 2.0 but he’s far more sophisticated (and likeable) than that! I love that we also got to see a vulnerable side to him and I cannot wait to start Season 2 after that cliffhanger.

Vivienne Tang

Vivienne is physically attractive but her personality is pretty much how I predicted - aloof, fake, manipulative, untrusting - which is always going to make for a difficult romance to start. I guess their relationship was meant to feel unbalanced but without the heart scenes, there isn’t a great deal of chemistry between them. MC is quite awkward and socially isolated from the group in this route more than any other. However, MCs role in the heist made the story enjoyable - It made use of her knowledge of jewelry and her portrait painting skills alongside Vivienne’s seduction techniques. I’m glad that things didn’t go to plan, it made the story a lot more interesting. The season finale was also great, though it just cemented Nikolai as my favourite.

Remy Chevalier

I was a little bit disappointed that his storyline didn’t make use of MC’s artistic skills. In fact, the acting skills they required for their con was something MC struggled most with. Parts of the storyline were a bit Yikes! for me, but there was good chemistry between Remy and MC so their developing relationship felt authentic. I liked the writing style of Remy’s route (despite the overuse of one particular term of endearment) there was a good mix of humour in with the drama, and his season finale was my favourite of them all I think - I’m looking forward to see what they have planned for season 2 - hopefully something MC is a bit more suited to.

Zoe Banks

The slowest burn ever - maybe more of a slow defrost. Zoe doesn’t appear to have any romantic interest in MC yet and the season ends with them as good friends. Even though MC is constantly wishing they could be more than friends, she never actually does anything about it so some parts feel a bit repetitive. The storyline is based more around Zoe’s skills than MC’s, to the point that her contribution felt like a bit of an afterthought. There’s not a lot of interaction with the rest of the group either, but I do really like Zoe’s character - she’s very cool and confident and, after Nikolai (ofc), is my favourite member of the Poppy.

Jett Slater

I think it’s very difficult to write British dialogue convincingly unless you are British or have spent considerable time on the island so Jett’s dialogue made me wince a bit at times. That aside, Jett’s route is a refreshing change of pace from the others. The chemistry between him and MC is instant and they can’t keep their hands off each other - recommended for those who are not fans of slow burn romances. There are plenty of spicy scenes if that’s your thing. The plot focuses more on MC’s academic abilities, where her knowledge of art history and detective skills played a more important role than her artistic abilities. For the most part, this is a fun route to read, although there’s one particular scene where Jett’s behaviour came across as very immature and the explanation wasn’t enough to excuse the fact that a grown adult slammed his bedroom door and played his music loudly when he was upset. I think his back story probably is tragic, but that point didn’t come across well enough for me and the apology was very one sided which left a bad taste. I thought the finale was great though - very dark and not what I was expecting.

Leon Kwan

I started out not really liking this route to be honest because I found Leon’s overprotectiveness stifling. Although it’s obvious his intentions are to protect rather than control, it was still a bit tiring and I once again got distracted by Nikolai and his unwavering confidence in MC. Unlike in Jett’s route though, Leon’s explanation for his behaviour did change my opinion of him and I enjoyed his route a lot more in the second half of his season. The storyline was excellent, making use of MC’s restoration skills and later, forgery skills and also an opportunity to show Leon’s poetic side. The twist with the buyer was very cool and the finale was frustrating as much as it was heartbreaking! Leon is probably the most dangerous member of the Poppy but also the softest. He’s not my type but I can see why he’s popular.

Queen Of Thieves is currently my favourite Lovestruck series. Despite initial concerns with how they might use European stereotypes, I love that it’s set in Europe (so far) and I think the team have done a great job.

I’m not going to attempt to rank or rate the different routes because I like them all in different ways and it’s really cool to have the variety... But Nikolai is my favourite by far and the others are just very enjoyable to read.

[igottoomuchwriting]

Sincerely Me (Chapter 4)

Part 1/Previous Chapter/Next Part

Evan didn’t want to get up.

After Jared had left yesterday, Evan had a panic attack that lasted for four hours. He was freaking out because if Jared could tell that he likes Connor, does that mean that Connor could tell? If Connor could tell why hasn’t he stopped being friends with Evan? Since when did Evan start liking boys? Was it weird that he had a crush on Zoe and then on Connor?

His Mom had come home right at the end of his panic attack. She was so worried, asking what had happen, that he was doing so well, that it was okay, but it wasn’t.

Evan finally makes a friend who treats him like a person, who actually listens to him, who actually wants to be around him and talk to him and get to know him, and then he has to go and ruin it with a stupid crush.

On top of that, he hasn’t told his Mom about Connor at all. He can’t exactly tell her that he had this friend, got a crush on him—oh yeah by the way I’m bi mom have fun with that—and now he has to work on not ruining that and he has to do scholarship essays so that the can go to a college he doesn’t want to go to and worry about raising funds for a senior party that will set off his anxiety by being around people who don’t remember his name half of the time and it’s starting to feel like the summer—

No. He can’t go back to the summer. She will ask what happen during the summer, what was he feeling during the summer. The truth is hard to believe. She won’t believe that he was fine, he was just stressed, he wasn’t hanging out with Jared because they were busy. She wouldn’t believe that he stopped writing letters because he felt better in nature, that climbing the tree was a impulse decision. A silly mistake.

Sometimes he doesn’t believe the truth.

So here he was, Thursday morning, staring at his wall. He got about an hour of sleep and woke up two hours before his alarm. There was no way that he would be able to handle being around Connor or anyone at the school without having an anxiety attack. Everyone gets so loud and he’s already worrying about everything with Connor.

Maybe his Mom would let him stay home today.

There was a soft knock on his door.

“Evan, sweetie?” he heard his Mom call. “The bus will be here soon. Are you doing okay?”

“I’m not feeling well,” he immediately answered. He looked over at his Mom’s concerned face. Hopefully she’ll believe him.

“Are you sick?” She sat down by his legs, placing a gentle touch.

“In a way,” he mumbled. Sometimes it was hard to lie to his Mom—other times, it was super easy.

She placed the back of her hand against his forehead. She repeated the motion around his face and on his neck and it took all of Evan’s power to not move away. He wasn’t a big fan of her touching his face, or people in general.

“You don’t have a fever.”

“Can I just not go to school?” he begged.

“Evan, sweetie, I know it’s hard, but you need to go.” She gave him a sad smile as she brushed his hair out of his face. He hated that look. “If you miss a day of school, then you’ll be stressed about the homework you missed plus the homework that you had from yesterday. I don’t want you working yourself into a panic attack.”

Too late, he thought to himself. He pursed his lips in disappointment. That was a big thing with his Mom. Evan needed to stay on top of things. Sometimes he was tempted to send her posts he found online about letting your kids have mental health days, but he felt that would cause a fight.

He can’t remember the last time that they had a fight.

“Okay,” he mumbled. “I’ll go to school.”

“That’s my boy!” she cheered. Evan gave her a small smile. She stood up from the bed to let him sit up properly and he followed her up. “I know it’s hard, but I believe that you will be able to make it through!”

“Okay.” She placed a kiss on the top of his head before heading towards his bedroom door.

“Make sure that you are ready by the time the bus is here!” Evan watched the door close behind her with a heavy heart.

---

The bus ride to school did nothing to help calm his anxiety. Today was the day that the Freshmen at the school decided that they were going to be obnoxiously loud—more so than usual—as well as throw things around, successfully pissing off the bus driver. Evan was close to having a panic attack after the bus driver yelled at them. To top it all off, he hasn’t gotten a single text from Connor.

Not usually a big deal, but after his conversation with Jared, every bit of information involving Connor was enough to set him off.

Maybe he could talk to Connor. He could ask if Jared talked to him, and if Connor does know then he would tell him. If Jared didn’t tell him then he would be able to play it off as Jared just being a dick again. It may make Connor hate him more, but it wasn’t like they were going to rebuilding the relationship any time soon.

As he stepped off the bus he made up his mind. He would talk to Connor and find out the easy way if Jared talked to him.

As Evan entered the school, he was a little more alert than usual. He wanted to make sure that he didn’t miss Connor while walking around. It was not Connor that he found, though. He ended up walking behind the one and only Jared Kleinman.

He held his breath. He hasn’t talk to Jared since he came over and he is honestly starting to dread it. Even though Evan already had a feeling that he was bisexual and had a small crush on Connor, Jared was never the best at calmly bringing things up and helping people realize things on their own terms. It’s just a flaw that he has.

He could be going to talk to Connor now. If he went up to Connor than Evan would know. Evan would know and he could leave and cut off communication with Connor before Connor even has time to think about what is happening. He could tell his mom he needs to be homeschooled, the bullying is getting bad. She would be disappointed, upset that her son can’t handle a simple thing like high school but Evan wouldn’t care. He would leave after he graduates and then he wouldn’t have to think about anyone else. Only himself. Just like over the summer.

Jared went into the bathroom. Evan watched anxiously. Would Connor follow? Was this a plan?

Evan stood by and watched from around the corner for about two minutes. Connor stayed at his locker, seemingly ignoring Jared. That’s when Evan let out a breath of relief. Jared must not be telling Connor.

He started walking towards Connor so that they could continue a normal conversation, pretend nothing happened. You would believe me over Jared, right? If Jared told you something? Of course he would.

When Evan was half way down the hallway, Connor closed his locker. He must have seen Evan.

Then he turned around, looking past Evan, and walked right into the men’s bathroom. Evan’s heart stopped.

Oh god oh god oh god oh god oh god—

He could feel his breath picking up, his hands sweating, body shaking. He couldn’t focus, couldn’t breathe. All he could think about was Jared and Connor are in the bathroom, Jared looked really confident, Connor was going to talk to Jared—

He had to leave. He can’t be here. If he is here, Connor will talk to him, he will yell at him, call him freak, say it’s weird that he has a crush on a guy he’s known for almost two months after having a crush on his sister. Who the fuck does that?

To Mom: Hey mom can you call the school to sign me out? I feel like I’m going to puke

Easier to say than he was going to have a panic attack. If he told his Mom he was going to have a panic attack then she would ask why and he would have to come out when he just came out to himself and she would try to be supportive but it would come off harsh and cause more panic and he just. Just couldn’t handle that right now.

From Mom: Of course sweetie. Can you walk home?

To Mom: Yes

From Mom: I called. Get home safe. I love you! Xoxo

Again with the ‘xoxo’. Doesn’t matter. Evan can’t focus on that right now. He just needs to get home right now.

---

Evan wasn’t at school today. It wasn’t often that Evan skipped school. In fact, does he ever skip school? Connor can’t remember.

He wanted to ask Jared if he knew where Evan was, but that would be stupid. First of all, he doesn’t want Kleinman to think they are being all buddy buddy now. Second, Evan doesn’t tell Jared shit. He would know even less about where Evan is. Hell, he would probably say in his stupid voice I didn’t even notice he wasn’t here!

Jackass.

He didn’t want to sit in the lunchroom alone with no food where he knows Zoe will be able to see him, so he went on a walk. Maybe too long of a walk.

Might have gotten high, but whose problem is that?

He ended up skipping the rest of school. He only had fifth period and then sixth was his free period, so why not just go home? He would get in less trouble for skipping school than arriving at school high. He didn’t go home until school ended though. He may be suicidal, but even he won’t drive while he is high. He’d rather take his own life, not anyone else’s.

He ended up texting Evan. He had nothing to do while sitting in his truck and he still wanted to know where the boy was, so why not do something productive to his own life?

His sad, angry life.

To Single Scoop: hey were you at school

Connor got a response an hour later.

From Single Scoop: No

Okay well maybe that was a stupid question. Of course he wasn’t at school, Connor didn’t see a sign of him in class or at lunch.

To Single Scoop: were you sick

From Single Scoop: Yeah

He must be sick from anxiety. Evan never gave this vague of answers. He is always worried about hurting someone or people not understanding what he is doing so he’ll borderline over-explain a lot of things.

He doesn’t want to wait any longer. If he waits on asking Evan out, then he will never do it. If Jared is right and Evan does like him romantically then it would be an opportunity wasted.

To Single Scoop: can i talk to you after school tomorrow

From Single Scoop: Yeah

Good. Okay. We’re getting somewhere. He wants to talk to Connor. Now all Connor needs to do is think of what to say. How hard can it be?

---

He cannot think of anything to say.

He stayed up late last night trying to think of calm, collected, genuine way to ask Evan out. He watched some shows where they would ask partners out, watched videos on youtube of how couples got together, he even stole one of Zoe’s magazines to see if they had any help.

None of them helped. Everything was from the woman’s view, of what a woman could do to get a guy to notice her, what guys could do to make a woman happy and make them “fall in love” with them. There was nothing on how a guy could ask out a guy. So now Connor was just going to have to wing it.

He and Evan agreed to meet by his car at the end of school. He wishes they could meet somewhere else instead of a place where kids from their school could see them, disturb them, or eavesdrop on their conversation, but this was the best that they had. Connor didn’t want to bring him somewhere he couldn’t leave so he would have to say yes. Here is a neutral ground—Connor could hop in his car and Evan could walk home.

It was good. It was fine. Nothing bad could really happen.

All that confidence was thrown out the window when Connor saw Evan making his way towards his truck.

Connor immediately panicked. What does he ask?

Wanna date? Go out with me? I’ve liked you since seventh grade and you made me realize I was gay? No, that’s fucking creepy—

“Connor?” Connor looked up and there he was, Evan Hansen. Why can’t he breathe?

“Hey,” he mumbled. “Glad you made it.” Glad you made it?!

“Yeah.” He looked down at his feet and Connor saw him playing with the bottom of his polo. He could see his big and bulky handwriting that spelt out his name on the side of his cast. “What um… What did you want to uh, talk about?”

Great. Right to the point. No more stalling.

“Well, I wanted to talk to you about… something.”

“Obviously,” Evan laughed.

“Okay, yeah,” Connor sighed. “Don’t get fucking sassy. It’s just…” he trailed off. How the hell does he say this? Is Evan going to be mad that he went to Jared? That Jared shared this secret?

“I like you,” he blurted out. Connor watched Evan tense up. Shit.

“Well, I uh, I would hope so,” he laughed anxiously. He was avoiding eye contact, wiping his hands on his pants.

“No. Fuck,” he cursed gently. Evan being anxious is making him anxious. “I mean I like like you.” What is this, middle school? “Like, a fucking crush or some shit like that.” He doesn’t sound confident in himself. Honestly, he doesn’t know if he is.

Evan was frozen. He seemed to stop moving, stop breathing. He was showing what Connor was feeling on the inside.

There was silence. Neither of them said anything. Connor was getting ready to blow with every second that ticked by. He wanted push Evan away, yell at him, scare him off, anything. He hated opening himself up to other people and he just couldn’t live with someone knowing this secret about him.

Evan finally mumbled something under his breath, thought Connor couldn’t hear him.

“What?”

“I can’t believe you would play a fucking prank on me!” he snapped. Connor shook his head. First of all, he never hear Evan curse that often, much less in the sense to yell at someone.

And prank?

“What the fuck do you mean?” Connor snapped, ever on the defense.

“I mean, how stupid—” He let out a sad laugh and looked at the ground while shaking his head. “Everyone does it. Maybe I’m stupid. Of course you would do this, because why else? Who wants to be friends with the loser kid unless it is to pull a prank on him.” He finally looked up at Connor and the pain in his eyes made Connor want to kill every person that ever hurt him. “Did Jared put you up to this?”

“What—”

“What a stupid fucking question,” he mumbled, interrupting Connor. “Of course Jared put you up to this! Why else would he corner me in my house? I can’t trust him, I never fucking could, but I trusted you Connor.”

“Evan, would you please—”

“I actually fucking trusted you!” Evan snapped. “I thought people grew out of the ‘asking people out as a joke’ phase Sophomore year, but apparently not! Apparently it’s still super fun to watch the kid who has a panic attack every time he has to answer to his name during roll call get his heart broken because no one actually wants to go out with him, or be his friend!”

“I thought you were better than this Connor. I really thought you wouldn’t be the kind of person to take advantage of me like that, but I don’t know why I thought that.”

“Evan, would you shut the fuck up!” Connor finally yelled. Evan stopped his rambling and looked Connor in the face, both fear and sadness in his eyes. “It’s not a fucking prank, for god's sake!”

“What else would it be?” Evan asked.

“The fucking truth, maybe?” Connor took a deep breath and ran his hand through his hair. He needed to fix the situation or this would be the end of he and Evan’s friendship. “I’m not lying! I know—I know it’s hard to believe, and I haven’t given you any fucking reason to believe me, but it’s true.”

“How long?” he asked.

“Since seventh grade,” Connor mumbled. It’s so fucking embarrassing.

“Seventh grade?”

“Yeah! I know,” Connor snapped. “I fucking know, it’s weird. It’s really fucking weird, but you were… definitely someone that helped me figure out my sexuality. I always had a small crush on you but I never wanted to try to talk to you because I was the freak and I never thought you would want to talk to me. But since we have become friends the crush started becoming stronger because you’re actually fucking nice and care about people, the environment, everyone!”

“I’m not...I’m not that nice.”

“But you are.” Evan was avoiding eye contact. He was still playing with the bottom of his polo.

Evan hadn’t left him standing alone by his truck and that was the only thing that Connor could count as a win right now.

“I need to think about it,” Evan mumbled. Connor nodded his head in understanding.

“Yeah. Okay, that’s fair.”

“I’m sorry, Connor,” Evan rushed out. Before Connor could tell him it was okay, it wasn’t his fault, not his problem but Connor’s, Evan rushed away in the other direction.

Connor watched with a heavy heart. He couldn't blame Evan for just running, for flipping out on Connor for thinking that he was pulling a prank on him. Obviously by the way he has reacted, something like that has been done plenty of times.

He should go home. There was nothing he could do now. Evan was gone and if Connor stayed here a minute longer, he would lash out.

---

“Connor, would you please eat your food,” Cynthia plead for the fifth time that night.

Connor actually decided to sit down with his family tonight because he has honestly been trying to give in to the need to want to be around people he gets very so often. He just forgets that his family will criticize behavior they want to see.

“I’m not hungry,” he mumbled.

“Larry, would you please tell him it’s important to eat.”

“Connor, listen to your mother,” Larry scolded without looking up from his IPad. Connor rolled his eyes.

“Larry!”

“Why are you not hungry, Connor?” Zoe snapped, always fed up with the attention being on Connor. Little does she know that Connor was too. “You should be starving after smoking so much pot.”

“I already told you I didn’t smoke today,” Connor snapped. “I stayed after school to talk to Evan!” Zoe motioned quotation marks as he talked and it took all of Connor’s energy to not throw something at her.

“Zoe, do not antagonize your brother!” Cynthia snapped.

“He’s lying! It’s obvious!”

“Zoe!” Zoe huffed and leaned back in her chair with her arms crossed, glaring at her plate of food.

Connor felt his phone buzz in his pocket. He slipped his phone out of his pocket and looked down at the screen, anxiety festering deep in his chest. There was only one person that would text him at any point of time and Connor had been waiting all evening for him to answer.

From Single Scoop: I thought about my answer and

From Single Scoop: Yes. I will go on a date with you.

From Single Scoop: Not complete partners yet but… I will go out on a date

A bright smile took over his whole face. He doesn’t remember being so happy about something since he was young. Yes he was terrified. He could easily mess this up, whether it be with his mental health, with his simple thoughts, or just by existing. For once though, he was looking on the positive side.

“Connor?” Cynthia called. Connor snapped his head up to his mother to see a confused look on her face. “What are you smiling about?”

“I uh…” he stuttered. “I passed my math quiz.”

Cynthia’s face lit up and Connor felt a little bad at the fact that he lied.

Only a little bit.

“That’s great!” she cheered. Zoe stood up from the table and stormed off, seemingly done with the forced family time that Connor decided to actually take part in. Connor understands her feelings. He wishes he wasn’t related to him either, but they are stuck with each other. He has tried fixing it before, but apparently it was harder than people made it out to be to actually—

Connor stopped that thought process. He didn’t want to think about it right now. He and Evan were gonna go on a date.

If only seventh grade Connor could see him now.

[takaraphoenix]

Can I just say something, Hazel is not v. realistic. Like I'm 13 and i can't say the same for all 13yolds but neither me nor my friends dream of growing old w/ a husband and like rick makes her and sammy to be soulmates and that's not how a 13yo's mind functions. Also, she shouldn't be completely dependant on her. And as someone who has experienced racism its v wierd that she only experiences in her schooling rather than also w/ her mum and even in new rome. 1/2

2/2 : And Rick just randomly makes the chracters diverse but then he forgets that race is a part of character. I mean Hazel was living in the 40s as an African American and now when she’s resurrected we hardly hear anything about her experiences w/ racism. It’s not realistic. I’d expect her to maybe have some centering as a character on that. I just think that Rick cannot display characters out of his perspecitve at all and im just very annoyed. idk what do u think on this all

When I was thirteen, we all didn’t quite think past the point of high school graduation - our life was in the now. We definitely did not think about growing old and picket fences.

But yeah, I said it in a post before - many posts by now - but Riordan writes only what he himself experiences. And that is the life of a fifty year old white CIS het man. And while I can’t attest for the CIS part because I’m not reading that one series that features the genderfluid character, you can feel every other aspect of that list very strongly.

You can feel the “fifty year old” when you read about literally every single teenager dreaming about the white picket fence.

You fan feel the “white” when you read Hazel, Reyna, Piper and Leo.

You can feel the “hetero” when you read the clumsy coming out of Nico at the end of Heroes of Olympus. And actually also in Will’s flippant attitude when talking to Nico about it, because in my experience as a fledgling lesbian, older and more experienced gays and lesbians were being very gentle and welcoming and not like “LOL that’s why I was trying to talk to you for so long because I’m gay too!”. That was just to retcon in that Will was also gay; had Riordan actually cared about the gay sub-plot before, then we would have had interactions between Will and Nico in PJatO.

You can feel the “man” at every female POV in the Heroes of Olympus series. Every. Single. One.

Gotta admit, as a white girl from Germany, I do not know how things are for black people in the US (you know, beyond the generic news coverage online and the police propaganda in cop shows), but nowadays with things like Black Panther, Black Lightning, Dear White People, Timeless (seriously, the part that I adore most about that show is how it dives into the female and black history, the kind that’s brushed under the rug), also gotta mention One Day at a Time here for the Latinx representation, I realized just how very… white-author the Heroes of Olympus characters feel.

Especially with Hazel it infuriates me because she comes from a different time and to include how her experience is, how things have changed - and worse yet, how things haven’t changed - would be so incredibly interesting. How she experiences everything.

I mean, seriously, Percy got shunned for being a son of Neptune because Neptune was feared - but so was Pluto. Just how awful must it have been for the black daughter of Pluto in New Rome…?

But oh no, worry not, the black girl from the 40s with no knowledge of the modern world perfectly integrated into New Rome in 2010. No issues here at all.

We live in a time and age where not everyone can be straight and white.

We live in a time and age where representation isn’t just asked for, we demand it, because the world isn’t straight and white.

So the author of the book series where every single major character was white started sweating. (Beckendorf and Ethan were the only non-white characters and oh look, both got killed off.)

So he… he literally just looked around what there is to represent and just slapped a label on each of his characters, like a check-list.

We need A Black Character - Hazel, check.

We need An Asian Character - Frank, check.

We need A Gay Character - Nico, check.

We need A Native American Character - Piper, check.

We need A Latinx Character - oh, let’s be generous on that one; Leo and Reyna, double check.

I didn’t notice that back then, when I first read the books. But by now…?

I’m not saying I could do better - heck, unlike Riordan I also have the disadvantage of living in Europe and thus not even second-hand witnessing what the American Experience might be like for people of color - but if you decide to write a major book series and represent something you are not familiar with - may it be being gay, or from a different cultural background, or being a woman - then you should at the very least put the research into it to back it up.

Or, the easier cop-out, stick to what you did before.

And I don’t mean that as “just write whites”.

It really would be less of an issue if Heroes of Olympus had still been only from Percy’s perspective. Because we would have only gotten to meet the characters through Percy’s eyes - and not their own.

Because then we wouldn’t have had those flashbacks to Hazel’s past, we wouldn’t have to question how it came that those characters didn’t think about certain things or complain how they all seemed to think about other things collectively. And literally no one would have complained about a lack of POV changes, because PJatO didn’t have those - it was all Percy, so no one would have questioned if the sequel had also all been Percy.

It’s one thing writing about characters, but it’s different writing as characters. And in my personal opinion, Riordan shot himself in the foot by making HoO a POV split between this very diverse cast of characters, without having the actual background knowledge to flesh them fully out.

Not to mention the part where I generally think that going from one POV up to three and then to seven and nine different POVs had already been too much of a jump, but if you do that with so many different characters, who should also all have a different feeling to them, that only makes a difficult task that much more difficult.

Now, obviously, having the Seven all be white males would have been a disaster and also the wrong choice.

There are different things that could have been done though.

Like I mentioned, keeping it Percy’s POV, which we all would have been used to and no one would have questioned (heck, even if he had just done it a Jason and Percy POV due to Lost Hero).

Doing actual research for the things you write about. Also an option.

Or dialing down on the unknown. Let’s not forget, he wasn’t just juggling seven characters who represented something he wasn’t personally familiar with (also including Annabeth, because girl), out of the total of nine main characters all but three were completely new and had to be introduced.

In my personal opinion, he should have carried more characters than just Percy and Annabeth (and then later on also Nico, but not important enough to be one of the Seven) over into this book-series.

Clarisse, for example - she is over twenty, she is an experienced fighter and hero. That’d be a female character to be fully explored, but who has already been introduced (and would have made more sense than Frank, Hazel, Leo and Piper on terms of them literally having been introduced to the demigod world barely months prior with a total of one quest of experience before going to war).

Chris Rodriguez, who while never explicitely stated to be Latino as far as I remember, the name does imply and Riordan could have doubled down on that and included him. Hermes is a very diverse god, considering how much Riordan played with the powers of not overly powerful gods like Bellona or Aphrodite or Hephaestus, he could have done the same with Chris. It’d also have been fascinating to see the former traitor work hard to earn back his place at camp and to explore the mental strain put on him in the Labyrinth.

You would not have to start from scratch if you take characters you already have established. It makes everything easier, both for you as the writer and also for the readers, who don’t have to familiarize themselves with half a dozen completely new main characters.

And it takes away that edge of it being utterly ridiculous that, despite both camps having veteran heroes who fought in the Titan War and are around 20 years of age, they decided to send four kids who are essentially total newbies and of whom one is 13 and two are 15.

But yeah, those are just… personal picks on how he could have handled it better. Me, I simply wouldn’t have written about a prophecy of seven because this is a damn war. Seriously, the quest for Atlas, a minor stepping-stone on the way to the Titan War, already featured five main players with Percy, Thalia, Grover, Bianca and Zoe, only two less than this entire freaking war needed according to the prophecy.

Have it be the Giant War. Feature all of those new characters, but also your already established ones. Keep it first person Percy POV and show them fighting together, instead of singling only seven demigods out in something that is supposed to be an all out war against Mother Earth.

Neither of those are be all end all kind of answers to the problem, but suggestions on how it could have been handled differently.

The important thing would be growth and as someone for whom HoO was just too much, I can not judge that. Because everyone makes mistakes and everyone grows as a writer. So if Riordan saw what he did and learned from it - I know one of the Magnus Chase mains is a Muslima, another is mute, I think, and one is genderfluid, so if all of those are handled with more respect, research and dedication and it shows that he learned from the past, then that’s good and okay, because nobody is perfect and it’s all a learning curve, but if those are also just cardboard cut-outs put in place to be Representation, then that’d be… sad, I guess. And disappointing.

But, well, due to not having read that - and not planning on reading that - I can’t attest to it. I can just hope for the best for the readers who seek representation and got giddy about the prospect. I hope they didn’t get disappointed in that.

And I hope he will continue to learn from mistakes and grow as a writer, because yeah I generally don’t wish anyone anything bad and I truly, truly loved Percy Jackson and the Olympians. He hurt himself by trying too many new things in the sequels and if he learns to handle that and return the writing to the quality of PJatO, that’d be pretty amazing.

[survivoraqualand]

EPISODE 1: An Incoming Signal

In the season premiere of Survivor: Aqualand, eighteen castaways were dropped off along the abandoned expanse of the Transcontinental Bridge - a place haunted by old legends, unsolved mysteries, and the treacherous power of the sea. 

After being divided into teams (Proteus and Ceto), the castaways were introduced to two main twists of the game. First, the Transatlantic Hotel, which they would be allowed to visit throughout the season in order to search for hidden immunity idols and other advantages. Each player was given a 15-minute Hotel trip for this first round of the game, with future opportunities to earn additional time to explore. Additionally, the castaways were told that at random times they could spot signals going out from the top of their watchtower (a page on the blog), and that the first person to catch such a signal would receive a clue to the hotel’s treasures.

The second twist introduced was the Monster in the Submeres, which each team would have to adapt and respond to throughout the game. Twice per round, this monster would become restless, and the teams would have to decide together whether to feed, punish, or ignore their monster, with each action having an unnamed consequence.

Once they settled into their watchtowers and gotten to know their monsters, Proteus and Ceto were given their first immunity challenge where they had to each come up with a bedtime story to be judged by a panel of listeners. Though both teams put in a huge effort and worked together well, they had vastly different aesthetic visions, and ultimately the listeners favored Proteus’ bone-chilling tale over Ceto’s cozy picture book.

At the first Sea Council, Daniel was voted out 6-2-1, becoming the first person eliminated from Survivor: Aqualand.

JESSICA

The game has not even started yet but I am already so excited. I hope Logan and MJ are in this cast so all 3 of us can cause problems together but also apart. I think this season will have very old-school vibes. Like a lot of people being very invested but also being very silly. I think I might try to be a mid-merge boot and play very aggressively the entire time and have a lot of fun. I am pretty sure Lydia is in this game and Ari is splitting us up....... very unfair and I would like to request this please not happen thank you.

ALEX

The people I've been talking to one-on-one seem really nice so far! We've only really talked about the cats I live with, but that's okay, because they're wonderful cats, and they're the only things I can talk about pretty much nonstop! :)

JESSICA

5 seconds into the game and I already have a f2 with Logan and Jessie. And Katie, but she doesn't know about that (yet at the same time.... she does). This will be the game where MJ and I, at long last, align. I know it and it will happen and it will be great.

KATIE

this challenge is going swimmingly... I made spooky boats

ALEX

I got an incoming signal! I'm hoping to explore the hotel soon, so that I can maybe go search for an idol :)

MARG

ok wow! i'm here! this is my first ever org ever!!! wooooo! i've spent the past couple of days getting to know everyone on my team and getting a feel for the game. i was pretty nervous going into the game because i figured that i would not know anyone. i was so happy when i saw that JD was also on my team because i actually know him through the Sequester world!! hopefully no one realizes that we know each other... i've spent some time messaging with other folks on my team too! So far i feel the best about Logan, Jessica, Linden and Jessie. they've been the easiest to talk to and I also feel like we were the ones working on the first immunity challenge the most. i really like Linden so far! this is both our first org and i think we're going to look out for each other. in general, i just like her vibe and i just want to work with her! i did have one prettyyyy awkward encounter with daniel in the group chat about connecticut facts. i think i stole his thunder because i shared a fun fact about ct??? and then i think he felt called out/put on the spot when i said he should share one too. idk that's the only awkward thing that has happened so far. hopefully we can patch up this one faux pas! ANYWAYS, this has been my first confessional. hopefully there are more to come!!! We're waiting for the results of the first immunity challenge right now! Let's go Ceto!!!! <3 

JENNA

I'm gonna write my first one just because I'm video-ed out after that challenge. But okay,  I’m super glad we won! I honestly didn’t mind doing a big part of it cause I had fun and I like doing that stuff. Only really Zoe, Alex, and Katie contributed on our team but there really wasn’t a whole lot people could have done. Though Katie was really helpful with finding sounds and videos which everyone could’ve done but they didn’t. 

 I’m glad we won though because MJ is nonexistent and I really want to play with him. He said he has a ton of finals, but I don’t think he’s written in the team chat once. So I think people would’ve wanted him gone possibly. I’m gonna do an overall view on the team tho first then talk a bit more on that. 

Alex: Alex stresses me out a little bit but he really is trying very hard which I do appreciate. Him and Zoe had an issue with the writing part of the challenge and he was being stubborn about it so initially, it rubbed me the wrong way and I know he was on Zoe’s list for this council if we had to go. But before I went into the hotel he told me he found something that combined could cause a curse. Which I didn’t think much of cause he could’ve easily told everyone this. BUT since I fed the stupid fish and got a disadvantage I figured I’d use his convo with me about the hotel to my advantage and talk a bit with him about the hotel. I immediately told him exactly where the koi fish pond was and what else was in the room because it didn’t seem super important to me and also it built some trust. He then told me at least some of the rooms he found and kind of what was in them. I know he’s leaving parts out but I also definitely left an entire room out of my review of the hotel so you know, if you don’t lie in survivor are you really even playing? Anyway, he then told me about the pearl he found and where. I didn’t mention the pearl I found, but I might tell him about it later cause I think we need 11 pearls anyway. I know Zoe wanted him out and maybe it’s stupid to try and work with him but he’s the only one really telling me anything and he’s online a lot which helps, so I don’t wanna count him out yet. Plus clearly, you need to work together to get anything done in that hotel, and if no one else is offering, I’ll happily side with Alex. 

 Allyn: Allyn is super sweet but also came out swinging a bit too hard I think. Almost after like 10 minutes of talking she was talking about alliances. And then like 5 minutes after Zoe came online she added me and Zoe to an alliance. I’m not upset at it cause... alliance, but I also don’t trust it. I can tell she didn’t like MJ tho cause she never mentioned liking him. Maybe MJ never talked to her though so who knows. I haven’t talked to her a ton since then, which worries me a little but I know she’s busy and I also don’t really want to be talking to everyone every day like I used to so it is what it is. 

 Katie: I was really nervous when I saw Katie was in this game. And then doubly when I saw we were on the same team. We did not end things on amazing terms in Lost City which was the last survivor game I played. I don’t actually know if she’s still holding that against me, and she very well could because I voted out her friend and basically went against her when we were aligned, but I haven’t brought it up and neither has she so I’m just gonna go with it. I really do wanna work with Katie. Actually, I really wanted to work with her in lost city as well but it all kinda got away from me a bit. She seems like she wants to work with me cause we’re talking and she was talking about the other people on the team and helping a lot with the challenge. I told her pretty much exactly what I did in the Hotel and she might have, might have not, but I didn’t mention the pearl. I hope she’ll stick with me a little bit, and then possibly if we both make it to merge and Jessica and Logan are there then we’ll both have super close people in the game so we can’t go against each other for fear of being targeted after. We’ll see though. Overall I’m gonna be most honest with her, but cautiously. Linus: Linus is sweet but I’ve barely talked to him. He seems to be busy with school as well and we’ve only had a few conversations. 

Rhea: I really liked Rhea when I first started talking to her. But after that first night, we haven’t really talked since. I can’t tell if everyone just isn’t talking to me, or no one’s super active. I’m gonna guess no one is super active, and also I’m not making too much of an effort because it’s kinda hard to talk to people every single day when nothing has changed. 

Rose: Rose always seems to be online but again, I have barely talked to her. The one convo we had was cool and she seems sweet, but not getting a whole lot from her. 

Zoe: I really like Zoe. She seems like a dangerous player, but at the same time, it’s nice cause I can tell she knows what she’s doing. We had a good conversation about how it was kinda crazy how fast Allyn added us to an alliance and that neither of us is used to being in one so fast, which was good to hear that she was okay with telling me that. The only thing that confuses me about Zoe is her first message to me was about me being in Colorado????? Which like???? I never said I was in Colorado. I told Katie about that and she was like okay well I won’t lie to Zoe she knows how to dig. Idk if was digging or just someone else telling her, but it confused me. I looked her up on the retirement wiki since Katie said she played and she got pretty far. Her profile said she wished she could know what everyone was like so she could match their personality, which makes me wonder how genuine she is being, but either way, she’s really fun. She kinda reminds me of Jess, so I know that maybe I shouldn’t trust her because she could do something chaotic for fun, but I definitely want to work with her. She also told me she wanted Alex out which is good that she told me that because 1. I don’t think anyone else wants him out because he was so helpful in the challenge and 2. hopefully that means she trusts me. 

Honestly, I’m hesitant about bringing up too much with anyone yet. I wanna ask about the Hotel, but I don’t want to be too much in the beginning. So I’m thinking since we won to just chill out and see what the next challenge brings. I don’t think anyone is gonna be too annoyed I got a decrease on a challenge, but you never know. It seems that the challenges can really change perception, so you never know where anyone is until then. I’m trying not to be too into it either because everyone is definitely super nice, but they’re not super active which I’m not used to so it’s definitely different from games I’ve played before. So I’m trying to take a hint from that and chill. Very hard to do I’m not gonna lie I thrive off of knowing everything I possibly can... but I gotta chill........... Overall... not really sure what to make of anyone yet tbh 

Also! Love the hotel game thing. Even tho I almost died I’m excited to see all the stuff in it.

MJ

stan jenna :)

JESSICA

I don't think I did a real confessional yet, so here it is! 

I am in an alliance with Logan, Linden, Marg, and Jessie. This is great and I'm happy we got something going. Linden WILL make the merge, I refuse for her not to get that far on her first ever game. 

My plan in this game is to cause as many problems as possible. I know Logan will do this too so hopefully we be very messy! I will be honest, I probably won't win with this strategy, but my goal is not so much winning as it is doing something iconic that people still remember long after this game is over. Like a 4-3-2-1 vote or like when Jenna sent someone home 0-0-1. Iconic! That's the only way to be. 

It is interesting to play a game with Katie starting on the other team as I don't think that's ever happened before. This might end up like Tom Hanks where we are technically an unbreakable f2 that will never vote each other however we then also never vote together either. 

I guess what I'm saying is you didn't cast Jessica, you cast Viktor whatever his last name was and you WILL get all the chaos that he brought to the mini!

MARG

Ok wow I just cast my first vote in the game so it felt like a good time to do a confessional! Since our team lost the first immunity challenge, the game has definitely changed and it feels like folks are starting to play the game. I have formed an alliance with Logan, Jessica, Jessie, and Linden, and within that alliance, I have a smaller alliance of Jessie and Linden. Out of everyone that I am aligned with, I think I have the best relationship with Logan? So I'm not feeling great that I didn't include him in my smaller alliance. I am wondering if I should form a second alliance with Logan and Jessica, but I'm worried about doing too much in the beginning of the game. But, I'm also worried about not doing enough! Since I am new to playing in orgs, I am still trying to find that balancing act of how much I should be doing in the game. I am definitely trying to get to know everyone and put in effort building relationships. I have also spent some time messaging Pat and Alyx, but to be honest, I am just not clicking with them in the same way as I am with other folks on the team. I'm going to continue putting in effort with everyone because I am all about that social game. I feel myself starting to get competitive and I am so pumped for this first vote! I can't wait to see what happens next in the game! tl;dr I am excited to start playing and i am ready to start putting in the effort for my social game.

JENNA

Me: Tells people about what rooms I found in the hotel, where I'll probably look next. In pretty decent detail. Them: Nice :) 

Like!!?? It's nice to offer something back, even if it's not true!!!!! I get it if they're not wanting to work with me but damn. Does not help me trust them at all. I guess they don't care though. I wish Logan and I were on the same team. I know we'd already have a system for this hotel where we mark where we've been and what we've seen and what people tell us. And maybe people would actually TELL Logan where they've been since no one seems inclined to share that information with me. (Except Katie maybe... and _sometimes_ Alex. When he feels like it)

JESSIE

I decided I have to play even harder then I usually play. I recognized with the amount of new people needing guidance I could get a pretty kickass alliance on the go . Hence my cute little trio chat with Marg and Linden. Love both of them got good vibes right off the bat. Will work with them for sure. 

 First challenge I thought we did great. We were so creative but nah the judges said lol you guys lose. So basically the five active people on our tribe got together. Me, Linden, Marg, Jessica and Logan. 

 We decided to vote out Danny Gluck. Which kind of sucked because I didn't know many people going into the game but I have trust in this five. I know eventually we will have to betray each other but for now we are solid. I value loyalty so I hope it works and gets us all far.

DANIEL’S FINAL WORDS

Never forget

[the-imagines-of-tonight]

I’ll Bet You Anything

Pairing: Connor Murphy x reader

Prompt: Any accidental sex prompt with either Evan, Connor or Jared

Word count: 2,222

Warnings: smut, lap dance, hand job, other smut things

Author’s note: I enjoy writing smut and I enjoy writing Connor :)

“Connor, I will bet you anything that you won’t pass the Literature test we have tomorrow fourth period.” You declared, dropping your lunch tray into the open spot next to Jared and across from Connor. Immediately their attention was turned to you, and Connor quirked his eyebrow up.

“Anything, hey?” He smirked, drumming his fork on the table in front of him.

“Yep. Anything. I’m just that confident you won’t pass.” You retorted, returning his raised eyebrow.

“But what if I do pass? What’s in it for me?” Connor’s tone was light and playful but the look in his eyes told you that he was serious.

“So you’re that confident you can pass you’re already planning the win, hmm? From what I know you haven’t even read the book the test is based on so I think I’m pretty fuckin’ safe, Connor.” You took a bite of your sandwich and teasingly smiled at him.

“Here’s an idea,” Jared began, the smile on his face indicative of things to come. “Y/N, if Connor wins, you have to give him a lap dance - in private, don’t worry” Pausing for your spluttering and Connor’s laugh of what you assumed was agreement, Jared continued, “And Connor, if Y/N wins - which I think we all know is more likely - you have to go without masturbating for two weeks, unless Y/N is watching you.” Jared ending with a proud smile, now Connor’s turn to flush with embarrassment as you laughed at the terms.

“I’m up for it.” You shrugged, looking to see Connor’s reaction to Jared’s extreme escalation of the bet.

“You’ve got one dirty mind, Kleinman. But hey, why not?” He returned your shrug and gave you a half smile, a blush still lightly dusting the tops of his cheeks.

“Not official until you two shake on it,” Jared piped up again, waiting for you and Connor to make it official.

You stuck out your hand and Connor met it, shaking firmly. Winking at him as you pulled away the bell signaling the end of lunch sounded.

“Good luck studying tonight Connor. You’ll need it.” You waved goodbye to Connor and Jared, a renewed spring in your step as you walked to you History class.

Third period came and went, and soon enough you found yourself sitting in your Literature classroom, waiting for both Connor and the quiz.

“Ready for that lap dance,” Connor whispered, sliding into his own chair. You flushed a bright red and tried to compose yourself before opening your mouth to reply.

“What did you do, read the summary of the book online?” You managed to stutter out a whispered reply as the teacher began passing out the tests.

“Yep. I’m so going to pass this,” Connor laughed, pulling out a pen as time began.

You turned to face him as soon as the papers were collected, ready to gauge his reaction and hopefully be told that there was absolutely no way he could’ve passed. Luck was not on your side however, as you were met with a wide grin and three words: “I definitely passed.”

Lowering your head to rest on your desk you prayed that somehow Connor was bluffing - maybe he only wanted you to think you had lost the bet in order to slowly torture you until the results were handed back.

A dull thud on your desk signaled the return of your papers. Thankfully the teacher had marked them within a couple of days, so you didn’t have to withstand Connor’s - or Jared’s - teasing for very long. It seemed as though every single second they spent within your earshot was used to tease you; whether it was Jared gyrating his hips whilst maintaining direct eye contact with you or Connor winking and sticking out his tongue every time he caught your eye.

Connor kept you in suspense, keeping the top right corner of his paper folded down, shielding the mark from you. The way he shook his leg, however, perhaps indicated that the number inked in red was not what he was hoping for. The bell rang without incident, but as you shoved the test into your bag along with your notebook you felt the presence of someone behind you. Turning your head, you were met with the darkened eyes of Connor. He bent down, his hair brushing the crook of your neck as his lips brushed against the lobe of your ear, murmuring, “I think you might want to come over tonight.”

With that he placed his paper face down on your desk and without any glances back to you. Sucking in a deep breath you reached a hand to toy with the edge of the test before flipping it over. 64%. That bastard. The goddamn summary of the book and his amazing ability to bullshit had pushed him over the edge.

Fuck. Did you actually have to go through with it? Or was it just another joke that Jared said, and Connor had gone along with? But what if Connor actually expected you to go through with it - what if he took it just as seriously as you had, and was waiting for you. These thoughts clouded your mind during the walk from classroom to car, the drive back home and as you walked up the stairs to your room. Immediately after shutting the door you stepped towards your closet, opening the draw that contained your underwear.

It was - you supposed - the occasion you had waited for to finally get some use out of the matching lingerie set you had purchased a couple of months prior. Obviously you tried it on as soon as it arrived, and knew it complimented your figure, highlighting everything you wanted, even emphasising your favourite features. The contrast of the dark red lace against your skin made you smile - if Connor really was serious he would absolutely lose it just looking at you. You got on your knees and began digging through the pile of clothes that had accumulated on the floor of your closet. Finding the piece of clothing you were looking for you pulled it out, the black silk robe that landed mid-thigh on you, tied with a bow. It was like you were Connor’s own present.

You slipped it on, relishing the feeling of the silk against your skin as you covered up the lingerie underneath.

Am I still invited over?

You sent a simple text to Connor, unwilling to embarrass yourself in front of someone you maybe had the tiniest of crushes on.

Yes.

Your phone buzzed once: within almost a minute of you sending a text Connor had replied.

My family won’t be around this evening. See you then?

It seemed as though Connor was still as apprehensive as you about the results of a bet neither of you were initially very serious about. You thought it would only be a dollar, not something like this.

Several hours later Connor texted you once more, letting you know that both his parents and Zoe had left for the next five hours. Diving into your closet once again you extracted a coat long enough to hide the outfit you already had on. You grabbed your car keys and phone before running downstairs and out of the house into your car.

Somehow you knew the way to Connor’s house from yours, pulling into the now empty driveway and turning off the engine. In the quiet of your car you composed yourself, closing your eyes and taking in several deep breaths. Finally composing both your thoughts and emotions running rampant you left the car and headed to the front door.

Your hand hesitated before knocking against the hard wood of the door which was quickly opened by Connor, who stood there, slightly shocked.

“I didn’t think you’d actually come.”

“Neither did I.” You remained in the doorway, awkwardly glancing from the floor, to the walls behind him to the figure in front of you. “But I’m never one to back down from a bet, so...” You trailed off, Connor simply opening the door wider to invite you in as a response.

“Do I need a... Chair?” Connor was much more awkward than you originally thought him to be and you smiled, glad that he felt the same way as you.

“I suppose? It’s not like I’ve ever done this before,” You followed after him as he made his way into the lounge room, sinking into an armchair as you came to a stop in front of him. “Okay, just - promise not to laugh, alright?” You closed your eyes as a wave of embarrassment washed over you; it all finally became real as you stood before him, vulnerable despite the layers of clothing that still covered you.

“Laugh?” Connor gasped slightly and a small smile appeared on his face as he continued, “Y/N I would never dream of such a thing.”

Steeling yourself you undid the buttons on your coat, letting it fall onto the floor behind you, leaving you clad in a robe that would come undone with the simple pull of a tie. Reaching into your pocket you fumbled a second with your phone, hitting play on the song you had already chosen. Taking simple steps in time with the beat you approached Connor, bending down far enough that the cleavage visible over the top of your robe was at his eye level.

“Remember,” Your hot breath tickled his ear, “No touching,” Running your teeth along his ear lobe you felt him shudder and let out a strangled breath, smirking at the very way he melted into your touch.

Standing up you turned your back to him, beginning to sway your hips in time to the music. Slowly your hands made their way up to the bow holding your robe closed, toying with the ends of the string. You pulled on it gently, watching as the silk slipped past each other, easily undoing the bow. A gasp inadvertently passed through Connor’s parted lips as the robe joined your coat on the floor, the fabric pooling around your ankles. You faced him once again and shivered under the look he was giving you; his eyes were roaming your body and darkened with lust, his fists clenched by his side in a bid to prevent himself from touching you.

Lowering yourself onto his lap you let out a shaky breath, indicative of your own nerves and anxiety. You placed your hands on his shoulders as you lean in, pressing your lips to his neck. Beginning to move your hands to rake down his chest you could feel his heart rate increase, along with the rise and fall of his chest.

As the tempo of the song increased you started to grind your hips down into his, feeling his member grow under you. Placing your lips in the juncture between his neck and shoulder you felt him jump - evidently it was a pressure point and you would not hesitate to use it.

“Fuck... Y/N...” He was unable to form a complete sentence as he threw his head back, trying his hardest to prevent himself from raising his hands to explore every curve of your body.

You ground your crotch into his even harder, eliciting a low groan from the boy sitting underneath you.

“You’re going to kill me, holy shit,” He moaned out as you ran your hands down his arms to grab his hands, leading them to be placed on your bare waist. There you let them rest, Connor leaving bruises, holding you in place as he ground his hips up into you.

“Connor!” You gasped as he took back some control despite being beneath you.

“Sorry - fuck - I just can’t control myself around you,” He groaned, dropping his forehead to rest on your shoulder. You sensed a growing wetness on your underwear as the rough material of Connor’s jeans rubbed against your inner thighs.

A hand once again travelled down his chest, this time not stopping at his waistband, delving beneath the fabric of his underwear to rub his shaft. He bucked his hips further into your touch as you gripped the base of his cock, beginning to deliver long, slow strokes.

You yelped as he accidentally bit into the soft flesh of you upper chest in order to prevent the endless stream of noises leaving his mouth and his grip on you tightened. Flicking your thumb over the head of his cock you threaded your other hand through his hair, tugging on it slightly.

“I - I’m about to cum,” Connor moaned into your skin, slightly muffled before throwing his head back. You began stroking him faster, still lightly grinding your hips as you drew him to completion. His eyes squeezed shut and lips parted even further as he climaxed - there would definitely be finger print sized bruises dotting the skin of your hips within the night.

“You’re fucking amazing, Y/N.” He managed to breathe out, relaxing into the chair as he peered at you through heavily lidded eyes.

“Time to return the favour?” He cocked an eyebrow at you, smirking as his hand snaked around to trace patterns all the way up your inner thigh.

“If you insist,” You laughed, pressing your lips, for the first - but not the last - time, to Connor’s.  

[kennothythebard]

Things I’ve learned about writing DEH characters

THIS IS NOT A GUIDE BY ANY MEANS THIS IS JUST SOME OBSERVATIONS AND THINGS I DO.

So while researching for and writing “A Worthy Explanation” (pls read i crave validation) I’ve noticed a lot of little things that I don’t always see mentioned in writing guides for these characters so I thought I’d point some of these out. Idk how love this is going to be so I’ll prolly put a cut here.

General

I like to create kind of a “loneliness chart” and graph the kids on it (looks kinda like those political alignment things). On one axis theres introverted vs. extroverted, and on the other theres like polite vs. rude I guess? But in summary: Evan is introverted polite, Jared is extroverted rude, Alana is extroverted polite, Connor is introverted rude, and Zoe... is just kinda generally lonely. Where she falls really depends on what’s going on with her (but she typically is a less extreme introverted rude than Connor).

Obviously each character has their own faults, but I often see these faults viewed quite selectively, see “cinnamon roll evan” and “fucking larry” for two very different examples of this phenomenon. Evan is not perfect and always trying to be nice, and Larry is not a super abusive parent who deserves no happiness in this life. They’re both complex and it’s hard to let go of our misconceptions to write truer to the characters (e.g. I really, Really don’t like Larry. I see him as a lousy father who just kind of chose to be “the strict one” but does nothing but criticize and dole out punishment, ignoring his kids any other time), but that’s an important part of deh, is that people aren’t always what we perceive them to be.

Evan

Evan is often viewed as like a cinnamon roll, but in act 2 especially Evan gets mean. Like, he’s dismissive and rude and angry and just a jerk. Evan can be just as bad if not worse than some of the “angrier” characters

Ppl often talk about his lying as his biggest character flaw, but I’d argue that most of the lying we see in the show just stems from the one lie which he was kinda forced to make bc he was in a bad place (i mean, thats pretty much the entire point of awe).

The character flaw that I don’t see discussed enough is that he’s ashamed of his mental illness. He’d rather pretend it’s not there, even when it impacts every part of his life. He doesn’t do the letters the way his therapist assigned them, he’s apprehensive towards medication and stops taking it, and basically feeds into his self-destructive tendencies, arguing his mother sees his as “broke” or something to be fixed.

Jared

I love writing Jared

There’s already a lot about what a complex character he is and stage directions, but one thing that most people notice is his actions frequently contradict his words. Take the sincerely me reprise at the start of act 2. Why would he try to insert himself into the narrative at this point? What good would that do at this point? When evan dismisses him he gets annoyed and defensive. He says that he can’t do anything until Monday because he’s hanging with his camp friends (whom he claims are his “real friends,” a term he will later ascribe to himself regarding Evan in Good For You), and when Evan dismisses him again he tries to offer to help with the kickstarter, but is quickly shot down once more by Evan. Despite what seems to be a natural ending place in the conversation, he insists on continuing to talk with Evan, and when Evan cuts him off again he becomes rude and slightly threatening. This happens over the course of maybe three minutes and it’s one of the most insightful scenes to jared’s character

When writing a canon-compliant Jared, his actions and thoughts should conflict with his words. He cares about Evan but he’d never say that out loud (in more canon-compliant fics), and it hurts when he’s pushed away, which he responds to with anger.

Zoe

Zoe is one of the most difficult characters to write, imo.

She’s often portrayed in a slightly sweeter, saccharine way in fanon as just like a fun, silly girl who is just a tad sarcastic, but really you can tell that she’s Connor’s brother. She’s angry, blunt, unafraid of speaking her mind, etc. Yes, she is funny and kinda sarcastic, but her sarcasm isn’t always of the funny variety. She’s obviously angry at her parents, but this often comes across as a “doesn’t love them” variety of anger when her real feelings seem to be much more complex. 

Basically, I’m still learning a lot about writing her but I think just like the other kids she’s a little lonely, so Evan comes along and he’s there and that’s enough for her. She has such a wide range of emotions that I don’t feel are always accurately represented, even by me. (especially by me)

Alana

Hella, hella lonely. Covers it up by talking to people and doing extracurriculars. Sure, “college apps” is her excuse for why she does so much, but it’s not the real reason. If she keeps busy, she doesn’t have to be alone with her thoughts. But at the same time she has similar fears to Evan about people seeing the worst of her. “Close acquaintances” seems to be a statement about how little she makes friends, but I also see it as a defense mechanism. If she remains “close acquaintances” with people, she’ll never have to be their friend and they’ll never have to see the worst of her.

She’s cheerful and annoying, but in the way that pisses high schoolers off. Like, we all knew that one kid who was just way way too nice, and most of us were like “yeah ok they’re pretty cool i guess” but like some people just hated their positivity. It also doesn’t help that she tries to insert herself in situations she hasn’t been invited in, and does some questionable things to help her accomplish her goals. (Evan/Alana contrast: Evan does questionable things to accomplish internal goals, Alana does them to accomplish external goals)

Gets easily distracted. Forgets to sign Evan’s cast in scene 1. Her mind has a million different thoughts at any given moment. It wouldn’t be out of line to headcanon ADHD Alana (some of the things she does reminds me of the things I do when I forget my meds).

Connor

?????

We don’t see a lot to really get a huge insight into his personality. We know he was angry and had some serious mental illness.

We also know that he could recognize when he went too far and would go out of his way to make amends. (Why was he in the computer lab? Why did he sign Evan’s cast?) He may recognize a kindred spirit in Evan.

Clearly he doesnt hate his family (he goes to school despite not wanting to go, and seeing Zoe’s name is what sets him off showing possible concern), and it would not surprise me to learn that he thought his family would be better and happier without him. He clearly has intense emotions and reactions even to things that might seem minuscule or inconsequential. When writing him in canon, I think of a rubber band stretched too tight, and any characters action could loosen or tighten the pulling.

Heidi

Such an emotional character, I nearly break my own heart when I’m trying to writer her.

Theres two odd kind of paradoxes in a parent-child relationship like that between Heidi and Evan. For Heidi, the paradox is that the more she wants to do for Evan, the less she can actually be there for him. For Evan, he wants his mother to succeed and loves her so much that he might even encourage her to not worry about him or spend time with him, but then resents that she’s never there. Or at least when he meets a mother who can provide and be there.

Heidi pretty much worries herself sick over Evan. Evan comes before everything else in her life, and so it’s easy for her to feel like she failed him, which is a huge reason for her intense reaction in Good for you: evan has just confirmed her fears that she’s failed him.

Heidi tries so hard, but she isn’t perfect. She’s clearly very sensitive about money or about Evan’s father, and this sensitivity can easily change to anger or passive-aggressiveness. She has deep insecurities that we may never see or fully comprehend.

Cynthia

Mom. like shes completely a mom. like, “can i speak to your manager?” type mom.

Loves her kids and tries to be supportive but struggles communicating with two very headstrong, sarcastic kids

she probably wouldn’t say this, but takes connor’s death very personally. wonders why he would do this to her 

Is desperate for her children to listen and understand her. Which Evan is more than willing to do.

A little bit selfish? Like, thinks about what will make her better rather than accepting everybody grieves differently

Larry

Fucking larry. I don’t like him and he’s the hardest character for me to write.

Ok since I made such a big deal about it in the intro i’ll try to be nicer than id normally be

A masculine archetype. Sports dad, wants sports son, which Connor isn’t

He’s got some really ableist/misogynistic tendencies that causes the intense demonization of him in the fanon but I mean... he could be worse i guess? (that’s literally the best i can say about that so yeah i dont like him at all)

Really just oblivious. Completely ignored Connor’s need for help, does not know how to read a room, you could say he frequently has a foot in his mouth if it weren’t so intentional.

I mean...probably a good guy if you can get past all that stuff? just really, really self absorbed.

yikes that was long. Again, not really a guide, just some things I think about when writing these characters. if you read this far at all thank you for indulging me this much.

[backofthebookshelf]

WisCon Day 2

So I didn't write a post yesterday but I HAVE REASONS Let's see, all the way back...Friday evening I went to the Space Unicorn party but only briefly and very late, because I am bad at parties, and also there was a reading/performance with Guest of Honor Amal El-Mohatar and C.S.E. Cooney which I had to go to (it was an excellent decision). You can hear some of the music they performed at the website of their band, the Banjo Apocalypse Crinoline Troubadours. Then there was the vid party, featuring a tremendous Carrie Fisher vid that had the whole audience sobbing, and then I stopped in briefly to the Gods in Space panel, which was on the not-good end of the spectrum. Religion panels at WisCon are the most variable, but I've been to one or two really good ones so I keep trying. This one was only two people, both white men, one who seemed like he had interesting things to say and the other who had the thesis that "no one writes religion in space but they should," and every time he was given an example he found a way to dismiss it. And who needs to listen to that when there's a Nicki Minaj vid playlist going on? And then I went to bed. Saturday morning started at ten, like WisCon mornings usually do, with the panel Stay In Your Lane 2: Bigger, Badder, and More Intersectional, with Riley H, Jennifer Cross, Mark Oshiro, and medievalpoc. I didn't see the first version of this panel last year although I wished I had, and this was a quality discussion about how to shut up and get out of the way when people are talking about things that are not about you. (I have never been more grateful in life to be an introvert, because I avoid most of the pitfalls they discussed by never writing hot takes. All of my takes are, like the best revenge, served cold.) medievalpoc in particular made a comment I really liked about making an active decision to never publicly criticize Black people, not because Black people never need criticism but because there are folks lined up around the block to criticize Black people, and she decided there was no reason to add to the dogpile. Recommended media I need to actually watch/read: Franchesca Ramsay's video on dealing with your racist relatives at Thanksgiving; Marck Ronald Rimorin's essay on "Westjacking." After lunch (Nepali cauli tarkara with roti and dal and mango lassi), This Genre Kills Fascists, the only real Resistance panel I ended up at this year. There were lots of book recommendations, too many to add here, but I'll be doing the book lists when I get home Tuesday or Wednesday. There was a lot of talk about the different stories we do and can tell about what resistance is and who does it and how - there are lots of stories about an individual surviving a regime but not nearly as many about the actual work of many people involved to topple the regime. (Examples of the latter include, however, The Dispossessed and Everfair.) The panel was a glorious affirmation of the point that speculative fiction helps us think about worlds that do not exist, which helps us to think about options that do not exist, which helps us to create them. (Campaigning for Dems is fine and even necessary in the short term, but in the longer term, we're going to need a more imaginative solution.) Also, one of the panelists suggested giving The Parable of the Sower as a gift to everyone you know who voted for Trump. 2:30 panel slot, The Alien vs. the Monster, or, where is the line between science fiction and horror. I've been really into monsters lately, so this panel was exactly what I needed. A set of definitions the panel seemed to settle on, and one that I think works well without being too reductive, is that in science fiction the world might be a frightening place, but it is ordered and understandable, and seeking understanding is rewarding, even if it doesn't solve all your problems; in horror, seeking understanding is destructive. (Another panelist offered the frame that sf widens the horizons of the story while horror is about narrowing them as much as possible to see what still fits in.) And eventually the panel wandered around to the central questions of horror, and talked a lot about horror as a genre being concerned with asking moral questions, and one of the most moral questions is, what do we do with things that are scary? (I am reducing this panel down a lot, it was very wide-ranging and fascinating.) 4:00, I had every intention of going to a reading and instead I wound up in a panel called "Sort of," by and about people who do not fit neatly into the identity-boxes that our culture values so strongly, and how they negotiate those identities. There were a lot of painful stories that I really don't feel it's my place to repeat, but as someone doing some gender identity *handwavey* THING right now it was incredibly useful and interesting to hear people talk about this as a problem, even if no one had solutions. (The one quote I wrote down from this was from Kiini Iburi Salaam, who said that identity is a series of artificial categories that we kill people to maintain.) One panelist did tell a story about meeting a delightful young person who identified their gender as "genderless blob," which I really hope is a thing that catches on. Recommended works: Everfair, the Dominican writer Rita Indiana, and the webcomic Kimchi Cuddles. And then there was the Ace dinner, which was where I kind of fell apart. The Madison Ace Space usually does dinners every couple of weeks, and this year it fell on WisCon, and also Hattie goes there, so we went out to dinner with them to a Chinese place down State Street that does hot pot. Normally I am all about hot pot, but I was feeling a little anxious and decided not to deal with a dinner I'd have to spend so much energy negotiating, which turned out to be a decent idea because I was there for two hours and the meat they'd ordered for the hot pot had yet to arrive. I eventually hit the point where my anxiety wasn't going to let me sit there any more, so I bailed early (which I feel slightly bad for, but my anxiety level is still high enough that I know there was no way I was gonna do anything else) and got gelato on the way back to the hotel. I watched a bit of the Tiptree Auction (long enough to watch a bottle of lube signed by Zoe Quinn on behalf of Chuck Tingle go for more than $100), and then Hattie came back and we spent the rest of the evening in the bar, where I drank. A lot. There was a Long Island in there, a couple of what they called the Green Book (vodka, midori, pineapple, and...something else, I've got the recipe, it's excellent), a Non-Compliant (my first tequila cocktail, but also the last drink of the night, so I genuinely don't know if I can offer a verdict on how good it was, and there was at least one other cocktail at the beginning but I can't remember which one right now. We talked with Jess, who I had met last year when she was on the Ace 101 panel I moderated, and later to some lovely people named Chaos and Michael who were very nice about how drunk we were. And then we came back to the room and didn't wind down until around 3, when all that booze finally caught up with me and I fell over. ...and that's yesterday, but it's also now well past time for bed if I want to make that 8:30 panel tomorrow, so I guess I'll just have to keep running a day behind. comments from the wicked king of parody http://ift.tt/2s5ZPGS via IFTTT

[laularlau8]

‘Success couldn’t fix our insecurity’: Gillian Anderson and best friend Jennifer Nadel on why they’ve written a ‘manual for life’

Who do you turn to when you’re struggling to cope? After counselling each other when the going got tough, Gillian Anderson and her close friend Jennifer Nadel have written a tried-and-tested ‘manual for life’ on the issues that affect us all

Ten years ago, Gillian Anderson met Jennifer Nadel, a neighbour in West London’s Notting Hill, and, sensing a kindred spirit, made that classic mummy mistake of thinking how lovely it would be if their children could be friends. They arranged to meet at a local café, where Gillian’s 12-year-old daughter Piper and Jennifer’s 13-year-old son Jack sat in stony silence. ‘They just didn’t get along,’ laughs Gillian. ‘We took a stroll through Hyde Park and they shuffled along, saying absolutely nothing. It was hideous.’‘But we ended up being friends, which was the blessing,’ says Jennifer. Gillian nods in agreement as she sips coffee.

The star of The X-Files and The Fall has turned up to the YOU photo shoot in tight-fitting black jeans and dizzying stilettos, looking immaculate even though she is about to go into hair and make-up. For the first few minutes she’s glued to her phone, sending anxious texts. The premiere of her new film, Viceroy’s House (a drama set during the partition of India, which opens on Friday), has changed, ‘so I’m trying to work out how to get my kids home from swimming’. Jennifer arrives late to many hugs and greetings in a big, curly wool jacket, colourful necklace and chunky rings.

From their first conversation – one that has never really finished – Gillian and Jennifer realised they had a huge amount in common. Not just a shared sense of humour, but also of having dealt with pretty much everything life could throw at them: a fractured childhood, broken relationships, being a single parent, serious illness in the family, money worries, depression, anxiety and a creeping sense of insecurity that seemed impossible to shake off.

They became each another’s go-to adviser when things got tough.Now they have distilled their thoughts and experiences into a manual for life. We: A Manifesto for Women Everywhere might sound grandiose, but it is a practical guide to getting to know yourself, your strengths and weaknesses, and learning to cope in a world that sometimes seems overwhelming, even if you are beautiful and successful. ‘This book doesn’t come from lofty heights,’ as they say in the introduction. ‘It comes from two friends who have stumbled along together, trying, failing, crying, laughing, learning and trying again.’ 

It seems incredible that two such able and successful women could feel so unsure of themselves, but no one is immune to stress and anxiety. Gillian, 48, says she suffered daily panic attacks when she first became famous as FBI Special Agent Dana Scully in The X-Files. Jennifer, 54, suffered a breakdown – ‘a glorious, full-blown burnout’ – when she was home affairs editor at ITN. From the outside, both had enviable lives but ‘no amount of external success could fix the way we felt inside…it made us feel guilty that even with the gifts and luck we’d been given we couldn’t make life work’.

Their recipe for finding peace of mind includes reflection, meditation and self-examination – looking at where your problems come from and how to fix them, without resorting to alcohol, drugs, work, food or abusive relationships, as they have done at times: ‘You name it, we tried it,’ they write.

Between them, they have clocked up many hours of therapy and distilled the best of what they have learnt into nine ‘principles’: honesty, acceptance, kindness, courage, trust, peace, humility, love and joy. Their aim is to get women working through the principles not just as individuals, but in groups that will use their new-found strength to campaign against injustice and create a more compassionate world.

‘It’s about women coming together to share troubles and joys without feeling we are in competition,’ says Gillian. ‘There are so many fundamental things we have in common. Who isn’t horrified by rising suicide rates among teenagers, the degree of self-harm and the impact social media is having on women of all ages?’

Gillian’s daughter Piper, now 22, is ‘quite grounded’, she says, but that’s partly due to luck. ‘There are times when I’ve gone waxing on about something or other and times when I’ve just let her be. She’s very self-aware, reflective and honest, so the good stuff must have had some impact, although I’m sure there’s plenty of negative stuff that’s been passed down as well.’

By contrast, both her and Jennifer’s early years were blighted by depression and anxiety. Jennifer first had therapy aged 15: ‘I beat you, I was 14!’ chips in Gillian.  Jennifer grew up in an eccentric, alcoholic household in the English countryside with a very young mother and a reclusive, academic father. The house was divided into a children’s half and an adults’ half, and visits between the two were regulated.

Gillian’s upbringing was more conventional, but perhaps moving around unsettled her: she was born in Chicago, but her parents soon moved to Puerto Rico, then London – where they stayed until she was 11 – before settling in Grand Rapids, Michigan. Aged 13, she ceased to be an only child when her brother Aaron was born (he had neurofibromatosis, a congenital condition that causes tumours to grow on the nervous system), followed by a sister, Zoe.

Gillian says there was ‘a lot of stuff to deal with’ in her childhood. She went off the rails, became a punk, dyed her hair, experimented with drugs and was voted ‘girl most likely to be arrested’ by her classmates – and actually was arrested and charged with trespass on the night of her graduation for trying to break into her school. ‘There was a point where it was highly recommended that I see a therapist because I was struggling in school. I guess that was the beginning of self-reflection and looking at behaviour patterns and historical stuff.’

Gillian’s father, who ran a film production company, tried to persuade her away from acting, or to at least learn word processing (her mother was a computer programmer), so she could earn money in the down times. ‘Good advice, but I didn’t listen,’ she says. 

Instead Gillian moved to New York and worked as a waitress between theatre roles until she was cast in The X-Files, aged 24. She thought it would run for 13 episodes. Instead, it dominated the next ten years of her life. She met her first husband, Piper’s father Clyde Klotz, on set (he was assistant art director).

Having therapy as a teenager helped Gillian cope with fame, but she still felt overwhelmed at times. ‘There were occasions during that series when I wasn’t sure whether I could go on. I started having panic attacks on a daily basis while we were shooting, around the time Piper was born. It was a mixture of not having dealt with childhood problems, the work being intensive, living in the spotlight and the expectation on me, as well as not knowing how to get balance or properly take care of myself. The panic attacks forced me to start practising meditation, just to eke out a tiny bit of space for myself, and that made it possible to continue.’ Gillian and Clyde divorced after three years (she later said she had been too young and has encouraged her daughter to travel and ‘make the most of her life’ before getting seriously involved with a man), and she was briefly married to Julian Ozanne, a filmmaker. She then fell in love with Mark Griffiths, a businessman, with whom she has two sons, Oscar, ten, and Felix, eight.

Despite achieving fame on both sides of the Atlantic, she remained insecure: ‘For years I was very self-centred and focused on my body, my weight, and it caused so much sadness. That really moves me now, just how much of my younger life I missed out on because I was so focused on my thighs or my outfit; it was such a waste of time.’

Obsessing about appearance is part of the career she chose, Gillian concedes, ‘but it’s becoming the world we all operate in because of social media. Facebook and Instagram have made all women focus on how they look and how they’re represented.’Jennifer agrees: ‘If we get a knock in life we rationalise it by telling ourselves we’re not good enough or pretty enough, and that’s a form of self-harm. You wouldn’t talk to your child or someone you love like that and yet that’s how we talk to ourselves, almost automatically.’

Jennifer, who is on her second marriage and has three sons (Jack, 23, Theo, 21, and Arlo, seven), channelled her teenage woes into academic success: she trained as a barrister, then swapped to journalism, spending five years as a senior correspondent at ITN.

Television was almost as demanding as acting in terms of appearance and long hours. ‘I felt obliged to don the uniform – power suit and heels – that my editor and the industry expected. I felt trapped. One morning I woke up and realised I couldn’t go on. I called the news desk and said I was very sorry but I couldn’t come in – not that day and, as it turned out, not ever.’ Jennifer was diagnosed with severe depression which dogged her for the next ten years. ‘I never thought I would work again.’

Motherhood brought its own pressures, especially for Gillian, who finds the noise and chaos of young boys unbearable at times. Maybe other mothers have ‘tougher nerve endings’, she says. She does the ‘right thing’ and gets down to play Lego but ‘my kids can sense it’s not easy for me. I struggled when Piper was little as well. I remember getting restless and feeling this pressure that I should be doing something else, but when I was doing something else feeling this pressure that I should be with my child. It’s that constant tug of war…and I don’t think I’m alone with that. I try to be tolerant and patient. How I am in the house depends on my time of the month: I’m either embracing of the noise or it’s nails on a chalk board. But they know that it’s just Mum. There’s an acceptance and a lovingness.’

There are 12 years between Piper and Oscar, so Gillian’s daughter was an only child for almost as long as she was. ‘I don’t think anything is accidental in life. It wasn’t on purpose but it’s ironic,’ she says.Is there some advantage to having a spell as an only child? ‘I’m not so sure. It was really important to me that Oscar had [another] sibling because Piper felt like an only child, Oscar’s dad was an only child and I didn’t want to repeat that with Oscar. So his relationship with his brother is something new to me. I’ve never observed similar-age sibling relationships before and it’s really fascinating and beautiful. 'Independence-wise being an only child is good, but there are traits that I have seen in other only children: being quite selfish, not really wanting to share. It’s taken a long time for me to push the boundaries of those and be less controlling, less protective of my world and my space.

Relationships with men have been no easier. Jennifer had a ‘horrible’ divorce from her first husband, which was ‘incredibly messy and painful and took many years to recover from, although looking back I can see how it led to transformation. I had to learn to love in the face of anger.’Gillian saw a pattern with her partners: ‘I’d meet someone, instantly fall in love and spend every waking hour with them, but stopped doing the things I enjoyed doing, stopped taking care of myself. I adopted their interests, friends, music, tastes…before long I’d start to resent them, even though it was me who actively let myself go.’

After six years together, she and Mark split up (they didn’t marry) and she has used some of the experience of her dealings with her ex in her book. ‘A spiritual adviser encouraged me to start thinking of [him] as my “beloved”, that regardless of our separateness we will be raising two children together for the rest of our lives and that makes him one of the most important people in my life, whether I like it or not. As you can imagine, this is not easy, but the times I am able to communicate with him from a place of love and appreciation rather than resentment, or as he says “againstness”, the more my perception shifts.

Gillian and Jennifer’s book, We, asks its readers to work through a series of exercises designed to shift their own perceptions. The first is gratitude. Though it seems simple – too simple almost – taking a look at your life and writing a list of things to be grateful for can be transforming however low, angry or despondent you feel, they say. The next is gentleness, the simple act of being kind to yourself. You’re not perfect: don’t dwell on little slip-ups, and banish the self-criticism.

Meditate. This is a tough one: Jennifer says when she first had a go, it ‘felt like I was being put in a torture chamber’. She and Gillian suggest making a quiet space for yourself, with fresh flowers or a candle nearby, but once meditating becomes a habit it gets easier. ‘I had to be facing in the right direction, there could be no distractions, the candle and incense lit, my legs crossed,’ says Gillian. ‘Then at one point I was away working and had none of my usual crutches. Now I can do it anywhere – in a crowd, on a bus, at work.’

All this is preparation for working through the nine principles, which are designed to guide you to a place of ‘acceptance’, where you can switch the spotlight from yourself to the problems of the wider world. They include a guide to choosing a cause close to your heart that you could support or campaign around.Jennifer stood as a candidate for the Green Party in the last general election and is a trustee of Inquest, a charity that supports families of people who have died in custody. At ITN she covered miscarriages of justice and visited prisons: ‘It gave me a harrowing insight into the powerlessness of being incarcerated wrongly and not being able to get anyone to believe you.’

Gillian styles herself on Twitter as ‘Mum, actress, activist’ and has campaigned for women’s and children’s rights (including her own: she made it public last year that she had been offered half as much money as her male co-star for an X-Files revival, a situation that was eventually remedied). She recently spoke at Davos about trafficking and modern slavery: ‘the thing that breaks my heart’.If it all sounds too earnest, remember that one of the principles in We is joy. ‘There have been times when the knocks have felt so hard and all-consuming that I’ve struggled to smile or to laugh, but it’s possible to break through that,’ says Gillian. ‘I try not to chew over or hold on to arguments, make space to lighten things – though, I have to admit, life situations come regularly where I think, “What! This can’t play out like this, are you kidding me?” I forget that I can’t control everything.’So reaching that place of acceptance, even for them, is a work in progress? ‘Absolutely,’ says Jennifer.‘Ongoing,’ says Gillian. ‘Every day.’

Read more: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/home/you/article-4245374/Interview-Gillian-Anderson-friend-Jennifer-Nadel.html#ixzz4ZkIKobPHFollow us: @MailOnline on Twitter | DailyMail on Facebook

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Josh Radnor & Aya Cash on Their Romantic Comedy Social Animals

From writer/director Theresa Bennett, the romantic dramedy Social Animals is an honest look at how life doesn’t always turn out the way we want, expect, or hope it will. When Zoe (Noël Wells), who’s facing eviction and dealing with a failing business while being resigned to a life of one-night stands, meets Paul (Josh Radnor), who’s in a marriage (with Jane, played by Aya Cash) that lacks any sort of honest communication, together they realize that while their whole world is unraveling, it might actually lead to a new beginning.  

At the film’s Los Angeles press day, Collider got the opportunity to sit down and chat with co-stars Josh Radnor and Aya Cash about why they wanted to play these characters, what makes this romantic comedy different, telling a story without a villain, shooting at a video store, and working with a female director, both on this film and in general. Radnor also talked about his desire to direct again, and Cash talked about having to say goodbye, as she goes into the last season of her FX series You’re the Worst.  

Image via Vertical Entertainment

Collider:  I have never watched a movie where I’ve hoped a couple broke up, as much as I hoped these two would break up, which was a little emotionally weird. It just felt like that’s what was best for these two. 

AYA CASH:  You can be good people who are bad together. That’s all right.  

JOSH RADNOR:  Good people, bad together. 

CASH:  Yeah, that’s the tagline! 

How long ago did you guys read this and how much did it change, from when you read it to when you actually shot it? 

CASH:  I read it two years before we shot, so I don’t remember how it changed. I thought it just went into the black hole of meetings that happen, when you’re an actor, which is that you go in to meetings and you think you have a great first date, and then you see the movie that you didn’t get. So, I was like, “Wow, she’s so great! We got along. I liked the script,. But I guess she felt differently or hired someone better. But two years later, I got a call and they were like, “Do you want to be in Austin in two weeks?” So, I didn’t see how it changed. I just got to come at it anew. And then on set, the script was pretty set, with a little bit of improv, mainly by Fortune [Feimster], who is a creative comic genius. We stuck fairly close to script, with a little bit of improv. 

RADNOR:  I read the script and just tore through it. I really liked the character and I felt like I had some intuitive sense of how to play him, and I had a great meeting with (writer/director) Teresa [Bennett]. I had never been to Austin, and I loved her taste in music. The whole thing just aligned. I can’t remember how far in advance I got the offer and met her, but it wasn’t like we showed up on set and there was a wildly different script. She wasn’t very precious about it, but we stuck to the script, by and large. If something wasn’t working or we wanted to re-phrase something, she was so open to that. She kept her cool, in the best kind of way, as a first-time director. 

CASH:  She also took seven years to write it, so it changed a lot in those seven years. 

RADNOR:  We didn’t get all the old drafts. We just got the latest draft, which was the shooting draft. 

What was it that you were excited about, with getting the play these characters? Were there things that you felt that you hadn’t gotten to do? 

CASH:  For me, that’s definitely true. I don’t normally play mothers who are responsible business people, so I was excited to do that. Obviously, she is going through something and there’s much more under the surface. Normally, I get cast in the Zoe role, so it was really fun to play the Jane role. When I first met on it, they said, “Think about both characters,” and I said, “I think Jane is more interesting to me right now, just because I’ve been doing the other for awhile.” That was really exciting. We all have different sides to ourselves, and there’s a part of Jane that rings very true to me. It’s not necessarily my best side, but it’s a side, and it’s fun to express that and explore that through a character. 

Image via Vertical Entertainment

RADNOR:  Yeah, I liked this notion of polarity and opposites. I got to be in a romantic comedy, where you’re falling for a woman, and it’s this great romance, but then there’s also this crumbling marriage that’s at the heart of it, that’s kicking him into the arms of this other woman. All romantic comedies are essentially about what’s keeping them apart, and what’s keeping him from just jumping into this thing with Zoe with both feet is that he’s married with children, and he actually loves his kids and his wife. He’s got a moral compass, which I think is a fun internal conflict to play. His heart is drawing him one way, but his sense of basic decency and his marital vows are keeping him in this other place. When you’re an actor and you’re considering roles and seeing how juicy they are, you’re looking for that stuff that’s roiling underneath, and that keeps it from being basic and easy to crack. All of that internal combustion is good fuel, and it’s fun to play. 

I enjoyed how this is really just a simple story about these people who are trying, but it’s just not necessarily working. We’re so used to big, flashy movies nowadays that it’s really nice to see an intimate story where people are trying to work things out.  

CASH:  Yeah. It’s so easy to have a villain or to have someone to blame, so that then you can be like, “Great, I know who to root for.” You’re kicked around in this movie, a little bit, as far as who you’re rooting for and what you’re rooting for, which is interesting to me. 

RADNOR:  A lot of movies sort people into types and say, but anyone who is even half awake in life knows that life is more complicated than that. 

Josh, I loved the fact that your character owns a video store because I have all of these nostalgic memories of being in a video store when I was a kid. It was just was so sad that there was no one in his video store.  

  RADNOR:  I know. That video store was amazing. They actually had both of my movies (Liberal Arts and Happythankyoumoreplease), which I was thrilled about. And in terms of the production design, wherever you pointed the camera, it was so rich with color. 

Aya, you’ve said that you were looking for more female directors to work with, which is something you got from doing this project.  

CASH:  Yeah. 

Was there a specific point where you noticed that you weren’t working with many female directors? 

CASH:  The moment you notice it the most is sex scenes. Doing sex scenes with male directors is a whole different feeling. 

RADNOR:  You should be clear that you mean sex scenes with male directors directing the sex scenes. 

CASH:  Yeah, not in the #MeToo way. It’s just a totally different vibe. And also, the language between men and women around the sex stuff, even if you’re being careful, adds another layer. When you can be franker about what’s going on, and what you’re feeling about a sex scene, about showing your body or not showing your body, and about the reasons why we’re showing sex, a frank conversation can happen when you’re working with women. It’s so interesting, doing a sex scene surrounded by a female crew. Even if there’s a female director, it’s mostly men on the crew. We had a female DP, and all the heads of department were women, so there were a lot more women on set than I’m used to. You don’t notice, until you get the opposite and you’re like, “Oh wait, it can be like this!” That’s not to say that there aren’t great men in this industry. It’s not to say that there isn’t a place for both. It’s not like it’s been so traumatic to work for men. But you don’t even notice that there’s this other option, and there needs to be more of that other option. I’m working on developing a movie, and there is a scene in the shower, where I would be in the shower, and it’s the first time that I’ve considered doing nudity. It’s my own shower scene, and I’m not sure that it’s necessary, but it’s the first time I was really like, “It might be important here, and here’s why . . .” 

Josh, have you noticed whether you were or weren’t working with many female directors, yourself? 

RADNOR:  I’ve actually probably worked with more female directors than male directors. A lot of my feature work has been with women, Pam Fryman directed 200 of the 208 episodes of How I Met Your Mother. I worked with a great director, named Kimberly Senior, on Broadway, in a play called Disgraced. I’ve worked with Jill Soloway (on Afternoon Delight). I’ve worked with a lot of female directors and not had a bad experience. A set is a very delicate ecosystem and, as a director, I always want to create a space that the actors just feel really comfortable and really safe in, so that they can be dangerous in their work. You want them to feel that you see them, and that you’re going to pick their best takes and you’re not out to humiliate them. I think women are particularly good at creating that fertile environment, where great, risky work can happen. 

Are you hoping to direct again soon, yourself? 

RADNOR:  Oh, yeah.  

CASH:  This is where he’s gonna announce his next movie, starring me. I did a reading of his, a long time ago, and he didn’t cast me, and he’s regretted it ever since. He was like, “Don’t worry, I will write you a movie.” Right? 

RADNOR:  Am I supposed to just sign on off this? 

CASH:  No, I’m just putting it in print. I’ll shame you into a job. 

RADNOR:  So now, if I cast you in my next film, people are gonna be like, “Oh, it’s because she shamed him in that interview for Collider. That’s why he did it.”  

CASH:  I don’t care! A job’s a job, baby! 

RADNOR:  You’re such a working actor dame. You’re like the Elaine Stritch of the indie film world. 

CASH:  Just bring it on! 

RADNOR:  Yeah, so, I have a script ready to go that I was gonna do, but other things got in the way. I’m looking to do something ASAP, so the answer is yes. 

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