#and then she was likw 'my back hurts i need to take a break :(' and i was like 'cool can i go rinse my eyes with water because i still feel

[ff2-soda-pop]

so i think theres stuff in my EYE and my mom wouldnt let me stop for all of five seconds to go try and rinse it out

[feverhalo-irl]

Im so happy. Im also super anxious and a little uoset but happy wins out.

(Read the tags and i trust in your best judgement of what you can handle)

Im apparently in a good enough place despite my bullshit and diabetes to get top surgery! And the screening doc even said im obviously working hard and making progress on dealing with my anxiety/depression/whatever is going on up there and theyre confident giving me the green light!!

The only hiccup is my living arrangements and i have a while to sort that out and theyll talk to my mom with me because i said thats the hardest part for me.

And i told her tonight they said im clear for it but they want to make sure if i recover with family that like basically the stress wont outweigh the positive for all parties.

And a lot of the same old shit came up like her 'not seeing it' and not believing me (even though its been 7 or more years since i told her and longer since i started finding new information that kind of helped me realize that it wasnt exactly an "everybody, every single person, feels this" kind of thing. And that always upsets me. And i did tell her that yeah even though shes more open and understanding than she used to be im still scared- and probably will be for a while- to talk about this with her after some things she said to me before.

The convo got cut short which kind of sucks because i dont want to bring it up again. But kind of a blessing since at that point i had already said to her a few times i wanted to walk away and take a break because i was stressing and getting really upset and shit but she kept talking (which is part of why im glad the doc i saw said theyd find someone to talk with my mom and i. Kind of help me not lose track and maybe keep her from talking over me and shutting down what im saying- or pointing out if/when she isnt shutting down what im saying but im ahutting down because im stressing hardcore)

I cried a lot- but honestly i think i cried more happy tears after talking with a friend about us going to the beach in a few years and maybe joining community clubs on a partial basis. And about how i dont have to be scared to tell the schools im going to maybe apply to- because i have back up.

Like. I have more power which is kind of gross that people demand 'proof' or something like that or wont believe you until they see it even with the laws in this province and all.

Ive always kind of had backup. But its hard to believe it sometimes when everything seems neverending and so far off and lost and confusing because im being told im not 'projecting right' or doing things 'believeably'. And thats fucked up. And i hid away- still hide away- a lot. And im not super vocal about it and i dont stand up for myself because ive been so scared and felt so betrayed. So i havent. I just havent. But its like. Fuck all of that.

Someone i didnt feel likw they were obligated finally let me talk and let me fumble my words and cry and shake and mumble and describe things all weird and listened. And i didnt know this person at all so i didnt feel the same tight choking feeling to selfcensor and to downplay. I didnt feel like this person was obligated to listen and tell me what i wanted to hear (because there were a few things that were rough to hear and things i had to talk about that hurt- but thats their job). Its different from talking to a friend and not telling them the whole 100% because i know things that would bother them to hear more than talking about it would help me and just- feeling like i was weighing them down even if i really wanted consolation. Its not their job kinda thing. (And i know thats not a good way for me to think and im seeing now bits and pieces of how its actually shittier that way- but ive done it for so long its just routine. Its not their job but they can tell me when its too much and im allowed to need support and to want to share with friends)

And yeah. This just got like. Insanely personal and emotional (to me) and is one hell of a text brick. But yeah

Like even with all that shit im still really happy. Like feeling validated is fucking nice. But knowing im not going to be uncomfortable and worrying im going to get hurt from trying to minimize my discomfort and like. That im doing an ok job- even a good job at not giving up just makes me happy cry and feel a lot of things

[galimatios]

t/a rambles 2

back on my bullshit part 2

lysander - Yesterday at 10:36 PM LSHDKA DSCREAMS AT U god where to i start ok well. basically its supposed to be like this coming of age new adult type thing extremely loosely based on the story of siddartha gautama which i didnt even like do on purpose i just realizes it was similar

but alex in this au goes by kreutzer (its his alias in lots of aus also his middle name) and he is the prince of a country called koel which basically occupies modern day mongolia and korea

the premise is that his mother the queen was assassinated and he is next in line for the throne but another assassination attempt is made on him during the ceremony and his personal servant rescues him in the nick of time

turns out the entire court was conspiring to overthrow the monarchy

so kreutzer is forced to abscond with his servant or the rebels will find and kill him the servant takes him to a traveling circus he has connections to, so he csn b safe and literally everyone in the circus is some kind of fugitive or criminal! which is fun bc at this point early on in the story kreutzer is extremely... black n white thinking.. judgmental... like javert from les mis bc when he was living at the palace he was extremely sheltered and overprotected by the queen who he loved dearly but the queen was also a tyrant he never had any knowledge of this bc his mother taught him that might makes right and that criminals are criminals and should be shown no mercy lest theyll bend every rule until it breaks so now hes living w a bunch of criminals and hes forced to come to terms not only w his inflexible world view but like... the fact that these people are people and not just dirty criminals

that life threw shit at them and they turned to crime to survive or otherwise wwre fucked over by circumstances and slowly he becomes like more aware of his own privilege and more understanding and also. he becomes aware of his mothers tyranny too that ones a tough pill to swallow for him bc likw i have it set in the book to where he turns himself in to save one of the circus performers he comes to think of as a little brother (this is a long and involved thing i can explain also) and the coup leaders torture him and present him in essentially kangaroo court and hold hearings against his mother where victims of the queens tyranny tell them what happened to them bc of her and force him to listen (: theres an underlying theme of what should one do when faced w oppression whether its being oppressed or being the oppressor i unintentionally made it super political which i swear wasnt my intention i just plugged my ocs in and oh lain is a shitty queen

shes not actually shitty but she was a tyrant and also fucking paranoid probably bc she lost a previous child to ... another... assassination attempt.. tbh thats also prob when the king died but she hated him so w/e theres two characters i accidentally made into like martin luther king vs malcom x skhfjshds i love them both sm god lydia is the matriarch of the circus troup and herself a performer- a water mage who dances

her sister is lilya who is a fire mage along with  alex's servant (alan/calisto) who is... hell bent  on revenge bc mages and magic users were basically persecuted to shit n back lydia is very pacifistic but maybe TOO passive while lilya is... shes action but she can be blinded by her own anger anyway fun side fact but alan was supposed to assassinate alex/kreu but the idiot falls in love w him as in all aus and fucking betrays everyone on his side for alexs sake bc loving alex is like the first thing hes ever felt strongly abt he just kinda went along w the training and the coup leaders plans to infiltrate the royal court he didnt really.. feel strongly abt it despite everything but he found a purpose and hes ... doing some shitty shit to ppl who trusted him LOL helping the prince escape instead of killing him like he was supposed to anyway alan dies bc obviously his side is fucking pissed at him and not well either the hearings and torture totally break alex but lilya who's overseeing the mock trial is like something... isnt right she thought she was waiting for the day shed be able to witness the royal bloodline dying forever but after reconvening w her sister and talking about how alex had been staying with her all this time (there is a huge argument) lilya thinks this guy is innocent. he cant be blamed for the wrongs of his mother and decides to rescue him its loaded bc i think lilya was actually responsible for lains death so heres your mothers killer rescuing you but also your mother killed her family indirectly and u cant do anything abt it alex! lysander - Yesterday at 11:00 PM at this point they go back to the circus and hide out of the country for a while until the rebellions govt starrs taking a turn for the worse it reminds me of like how communist revolutions were started bc the proletariat had legitimate issues with the upper class but then like they go to the extreme(edited) and start literally culling innocent middle class people thats basically what happens and that's... also not right! so alex gathers up his own force feels like its his responsibility to right the wrongs of his mother and he takes back the country w his own force but instead of reinstating the monarchy he puts the sisters in charge in a newly instated democracy or something basically moral of the story is that people arent perfect but everyone has a reason for doing what they do and i want to address that like that democracy will not be perfect either bc blah blah quote some old white guy "if all men were angels we wouldnt need govt" or something but its a step in the right direction rather honestly it was mostly supposed to be oc angst fest but it turned into political commentary over the yrs BUT i didnt touch on a few good side stories that happen before the novel god how does Alex even react to lilya fufk thats so fucking loaded shes your moms killer your mom was also a killer shes also lydias only family and youve grown close to lydia over the time youve spent at the circus she also rescued you but she still killed your mother who you still love so much how does he even. reconcile those feelings esp the part where his beloved mother was hated and also hurt so many people its so hard to accept that both those things arent mutuallt exclusive ofc its so easy to decide you hate someone and denounce them but i dont want to write abt that thats not interesting esp since my issue w everything these days is that people cant seem to reconcile ppls good and bad parts like theyre all only one or the other when the reality everyone is varying amounts of both holds my head lain isnt a good person but her reasons for being terrible... ultimately were borne from something VERY real and VERY understandable anyway this is: morally ambiguous ocs the novel