#so like general talking about goid and bad of family stuff and ups and downs of trans stuff and closeted stuff?

[feverhalo-irl]

Im so happy. Im also super anxious and a little uoset but happy wins out.

(Read the tags and i trust in your best judgement of what you can handle)

Im apparently in a good enough place despite my bullshit and diabetes to get top surgery! And the screening doc even said im obviously working hard and making progress on dealing with my anxiety/depression/whatever is going on up there and theyre confident giving me the green light!!

The only hiccup is my living arrangements and i have a while to sort that out and theyll talk to my mom with me because i said thats the hardest part for me.

And i told her tonight they said im clear for it but they want to make sure if i recover with family that like basically the stress wont outweigh the positive for all parties.

And a lot of the same old shit came up like her 'not seeing it' and not believing me (even though its been 7 or more years since i told her and longer since i started finding new information that kind of helped me realize that it wasnt exactly an "everybody, every single person, feels this" kind of thing. And that always upsets me. And i did tell her that yeah even though shes more open and understanding than she used to be im still scared- and probably will be for a while- to talk about this with her after some things she said to me before.

The convo got cut short which kind of sucks because i dont want to bring it up again. But kind of a blessing since at that point i had already said to her a few times i wanted to walk away and take a break because i was stressing and getting really upset and shit but she kept talking (which is part of why im glad the doc i saw said theyd find someone to talk with my mom and i. Kind of help me not lose track and maybe keep her from talking over me and shutting down what im saying- or pointing out if/when she isnt shutting down what im saying but im ahutting down because im stressing hardcore)

I cried a lot- but honestly i think i cried more happy tears after talking with a friend about us going to the beach in a few years and maybe joining community clubs on a partial basis. And about how i dont have to be scared to tell the schools im going to maybe apply to- because i have back up.

Like. I have more power which is kind of gross that people demand 'proof' or something like that or wont believe you until they see it even with the laws in this province and all.

Ive always kind of had backup. But its hard to believe it sometimes when everything seems neverending and so far off and lost and confusing because im being told im not 'projecting right' or doing things 'believeably'. And thats fucked up. And i hid away- still hide away- a lot. And im not super vocal about it and i dont stand up for myself because ive been so scared and felt so betrayed. So i havent. I just havent. But its like. Fuck all of that.

Someone i didnt feel likw they were obligated finally let me talk and let me fumble my words and cry and shake and mumble and describe things all weird and listened. And i didnt know this person at all so i didnt feel the same tight choking feeling to selfcensor and to downplay. I didnt feel like this person was obligated to listen and tell me what i wanted to hear (because there were a few things that were rough to hear and things i had to talk about that hurt- but thats their job). Its different from talking to a friend and not telling them the whole 100% because i know things that would bother them to hear more than talking about it would help me and just- feeling like i was weighing them down even if i really wanted consolation. Its not their job kinda thing. (And i know thats not a good way for me to think and im seeing now bits and pieces of how its actually shittier that way- but ive done it for so long its just routine. Its not their job but they can tell me when its too much and im allowed to need support and to want to share with friends)

And yeah. This just got like. Insanely personal and emotional (to me) and is one hell of a text brick. But yeah

Like even with all that shit im still really happy. Like feeling validated is fucking nice. But knowing im not going to be uncomfortable and worrying im going to get hurt from trying to minimize my discomfort and like. That im doing an ok job- even a good job at not giving up just makes me happy cry and feel a lot of things