#and then the pharmacy did this shit to me jfc

[torao-chan]

when your pharmacy manages to loose your entire fucking script file

[moon-ursidae]

SESSION #7

as always, SPOILERS for BOTH of the last of us games and the HBO series are below the cut!!

i… have not played this in quite a few weeks huh? i’ve just been so hyped up on joel and ellie, that i’ve been going through the first game for the 3rd time, and really taking in their relationship. then the show premiered and i’ve been losing my shit over that. with the lack of joel and ellie in the second game, i’ve been putting it off hella. i wanted to get in a little bit of time with it today though. so we’ll see how this goes lmao

total play time: somewhere between 11-12 hours!

NOTES:

so the last time i played some fuckin stalker skittered in the doorway and i shit my fuckin pants

so let’s see what this is about 🥲

that was literally fucking horrifying like they were literally peeking around corners JAVAKSVSK

S C A R Y

FUCK stalkers. all my homies HATE stalkers

oh shit they’re gonna be everywhere now huh?

omg with clickers??? OOF

THE FOOTSTEPS ABOVE??? FUCK OFF

ellie open the goddamn door

i chimed in ellie

open the goddamn door

brendon urie may have ruined panic! at the disco but that doesn’t mean you can’t open the goddamn door ellie

AHHHHHHH

OUT THE WINDOW??????

INTO THE RAPIDS????

this bitch WANTS me oh my god

that was awful

this is awful

“fuck seattle” LMAOOOOO

i’m glad that’s over

…it was not over

a fucking stalker jumpscared me from the wall lmao

ANYWAY

WHAT THE FUCK ARE THOSE SOUNDS???

i’m getting the F U C K outta this sewer

OUTSIDE!!

WOOOOO

this overgrown park is gorgeous

it’s not gorgeous anymore someone is hanging

oh fuck! the whistling! the seraphites do be near

yea they’re here ellie just took an arrow to the shoulder holy shit

THESE GUYS ARE SCARY BRO

THE BIG ONES???

running for my life

i have used more ammunition in the past few combat zones than i ever have playing tlou

“you better not have strung nora up.” ellliiieeeeeeeeee don’t let it take over

the lighting is fucking phenomenal

the glow that these fires are giving off blows me away everytime

and how the look in the fog?? F U C K

JOURNAL ENTRYYYYYY

i like her lil drawing of the big ones hehe

…back inside

I WANNA BE OUTSIDE DAMNIT

buildings scare me i don’t like them. never did

there are hella pigeons somewhere goddamn

CARD BABYYYYYYYYY

i feel like i’ve missed so many

LOOTING! MY FAVORITE >:)

awe this poor bastard got killed before he could get the meds to his wife :(

i think their letters have been scattered throughout? or i just haven’t played in a while LMAO

probably the latter

side note: i want ellie’s tattoo so goddamn fucking bad bro. like my life depends on it

more seraphites!!

stealthing in the grass is so fucking fun oh my god

EVEN MORE OF THEM??

i’m using so many of my resources fuuuuck

i have no way to upgrade my melee or make more molotovs…

MORE LOOTING >:)

ruston coffee is quite literally the starbucks of tlou universe

i feel like i’m gonna get ambushed in this merci building

i’m putting down mines in front of this door lmao i just have a gut feeling

it’s too quiet

HOLY SHIT THAT’S A BIG FUCKIN GUY

BUT HE DIDN’T EVEN HIT ME ONCE BC I PUT THE MINES DOWN WOOOOOOO

fuck yea

OH MY GOD BITS OF THIS GUY ARE FALLING OFF THE CEILING AHHHHHHHH

THIS GUY WAS CARRYING FUCKING STORMBREAKER HOLY FUCK WHAT IS THIS

i’m glad the rest of this building is clear bc holy fuck

OUTSIDE WOOOOOOO

i’m honestly really surprised there was no one on the roof

weston’s pharmacy seems really dicy…

i’m going in hahaha

WORTH IT! ANUTHA CARD BABYYYYYYY

i have never been so conflicted by choosing upgrades before

i have 92 parts but i W A N T that scope on my rifle but it’s 80 PARTS

fuck it.

SCOPE ACQUIRED

WATER STEALTH??? PLEASE???

OH SHIT IT’S THE GIRL W THE PS VITA

is that fuckin hotline miami…

HOLD ON

ellie’s kinda….

got me blushin a bit

BRO AND HER SHADOW ON THE WALL AS SHE’S STANDING OVER THIS WLF W HER KNIFE TO HER THROAT

OOOOOOOOOO

oh my god that IS hotline miami

jfc

oh my god are these all fucking bodies in these biohazard bags

jesuuus

STEALTH!

I’M USING SO MANY RESOURCES >:(

a note! WOOO

it’s just a supply list lmao

don’t go near the lower levels? i’m guessing i’m gonna end up there

IT WAS A GOOD DAY?? AYO???

whoever’s playing that send me ur playlist plz

ellie who cares if it’s nora? whoever it is they have great taste in music

just let the vibes wash over you ellie

INTO THE VENTS WE GO

she’s in the walls… SHE’S IN THE GODDAMN WALLS

hahaha

ANYWAY

ABBY WAS HERE???? IN A CELL??? THAT’S WHO THEY WERE TALKIN ABOUT EARLIER THEN

why was she in a cell tho???

OH SHIT MY HEART IS RAAACCCIIIINNNGGGGGGG THIS IS SO INTENSE

sometimes i think “is ellie really doing this for joel? or is it for her?” and most of the time the answer is that it’s more for her.

joel knows what happened to him was bc he did the same shit ellie has been doing this whole time

he killed a fuck ton of people to get her to safety. but was it always for her? no. joel couldn’t lose another child. so him protecting her, i feel like, was for him as well. so he could have that safety of knowing she was alive and breathing. so he could do what he didn’t with sarah. save her.

but then look where that got him. and now look at ellie. and where that’s gonna get her. it all comes full fuckin circle man. it’s so poetic

this shit is SO GOOD.

the way that ellie isn’t even shaking or wavering during this confrontation w nora.. JESUS

“you still hear his screams?” THEN she starts shaking

her gun was BARELY moving before then

ASHLEY JOHNSOOONNNNNNNN

“yeah, that little bitch got what he deserved.” OH HELLLLLLLLLL TO THE MUTHAFUCKIN NAHHHHHHHHH FOOL

YOU HAVE BALLS TO SAY THAT AT THE PERSON POINTING A GUN AT YOU THAT IS THERE BC YOU KILLED JOEL BRO

ellie you had the shot bro

oh hey! the lower levels!

OH MY GOD WAIT ELLIE IS SO SMART FOR THIS

THERE’S SPORES DOWN HERE SO NORA IS FUCKED EITHER WAY

pitting infected and other humans against each other is SICK

oh my god there’s so much fungal growth down here JESUS

hearing nora coughing in the distance oh my god

“hi nora.” AND THEN BLOCKING THE DOOR HOLY FUUUUCK ELLIE

HER VEINS HOLY SHIT

THE SHOT OVER ELLIE’A SHOULDER LOOKING DOWN ON NORA IS COOOOOLD

these graphics are fucking crazy like this looks like it didn’t go through any animation what-so-ever

goddamn.

i could talk about just this shot for so long.

holy shit

“i’m fucking dead anyway why would i tell you anything?” THE WAY ELLIE GETS CLOSER AND SQUATS DOWN WITH THE FUCKING PIPE OH MY GOD

“think about what he did” AND SHE GRIPS THE SHIT OUT OF THE LEAD PIPE AHHHH

THE FUCKING THRUMMING SOUNDS ARE SOOOOO GOOD

OH MY GOD IT’S MAKING ME PRESS THE BUTTON

FUUUUUUCK MAN

and nora groaning and coughing in pain in between JESUS CHRIST

AGAIN??? THE CRYING OH MY GOD

ellie’s face man. holy fuck.

uh oh, back to the theatre

her hand shaking holy fuuuuck man

“it’s me.” HER VOICE SHAKING :(

and she freezes at first when dina hugs her😭😭

STOP SHE’S SHAKING SO BAD😭

hoooooly shit. she’s cut and bruised the fuck up

ellie could not do this without dina. holy fuckin shit.

“i don’t wanna lose you.” 😭😭😭😭😭

OH NO. OH NO. SAINT MARY’S HOSPITAL???

OHHHH NO.

ONLY 2 YEARS??😭😭

pediatrics? uh oh.

this feels weird.

i don’t like this.

it’s fucking odd

THE MUSIC AHHHHHH

I DON’T WANNA LOOK FOR THINGS THAT WILL HURT THEIR RELATIONSHIP BUT ELLIE DESERVES TO KNOW THE TRUTH

“why’d you all leave?” joel. it was joel ellie.

oh no. it’s the tape.

sidebar: that’s ashley burch!

ANYWAY

i’m crying just seeing joel riding in on his horse.

HE CARES ABOUT HER SO MUCH OH MY GOD

oh my god plz the way he’s shifting his weight nervously after she told him to tell her what happened

(pedro does that in a lot of his roles) ANYWAYY

the pain in ellie’s eyes🥺

joel looks so hurt too UGH

the way he’s struggling to get it out bc he knows that she’s gonna be so fucking upset😭

HE’S NOT EVEN LOOKING AT HER AND HIS VOICE IS SO QUIET AND SHAKY AHHHHHHHHH😭😭😭😭

THE SADNESS IN HIS FUCKING EYES WHEN HE LOOKS AT HERRRRRRR

OH MY FUCKING GOD

THE WAY HE REACHES OUT TO COMFORT HERRRRRRRRRRR

HE LOOKS SO GUILTY AND SAD AND I-😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

THE WAY HE JUST STANDS THERE AFTERWARD LIKE I KNOW THAT MAN IS CRYING

FUCK

I’M CRYING

SO FOR 2 YEARS JOEL THOUGHT ELLIE FUCKING HATED HIM??

BUT THEY MUST HAVE BEEN WORKING ON IT RIGHT?? IF THEY WERE WATCHING MOVIES TOGETHER??

SO THEIR RELATIONSHIP WAS FUCKED UP FOR 2 YEARS??

AND JOEL THOUGHT ELLIE WOULDN’T EVER FORGIVE HIM??

I KNOW THAT ENDING PORCH SCENE BUT LIKE HOW LONG BEFORE THAT???

I NEED TO KNOW

MY BELOVEDS😭😭😭

SEATTLE DAY 3

woooo😭

“the war the merrier. hey look joel. it’s your favorite.” I’M A PUDDLE ON THE FUCKING FLOOR ARE YOU JOKING

i found a card at least haha

uh oh dina’s not doin too hot

OH I FUCKIN FORGOT JESSE DOESN’T KNOW ABOUT DINA

WELP. DOES NOW

jesse is soooooooo attractive goddamn

i fucking love jesse

“you’ll be leaving some of them alive.” HE WANTS TO MAKE DAMN SURE WHERE ELLIE’S HEAD IS AT

i need to see a miller again i’m sad

i miss tommy

and joel😭

i like that jesse is being very straightforward about what they’re doing

jesse is a fucking amazing guy

from the way he talks about dina you can tell that he still really cares about her

ANUTHA CARD WOOOOO

am i gonna regret spending all of my upgrade parts? yeaaaaaa. but that’s a problem for future me to figure out lmao

ellie’s entry about not telling dina and jesse what joel did UGGHHHH

“do i understand?” 😭😭😭

we’re getting pretty close to the aquarium i am scared

BREAKING UP THE MOSS IN THE WATER IS SO COOL

I AM BLINKING HEAVILY IN SUPERNATURAL

ARE YOU FUCKIN FOR REAL RN LMAOOOOO

I’M SO THROWN OFF RN

“go team jackson” “fuck these motherfuckers” HER LITTLE JUMP TO HIGH FIVE HIM SHUT THE FUCK UUUUUP

I. LOVE. JESSE.

“i’m not into your type.” “what? asians?” and ellie going along w it LMAO this is just witty banter between 2 friends and it’s really refreshing after being alone for so long

ANUTHA CARD BABYYYYY

this bookstore is giving me flashbacks to the first game

THE MUSHROOMS IN THE KIDS AREA💀

😭😭😭😭

THE NOTE ON THE BACK BETWEEN THE MOM AND KID TALKING ABOUT HOW THEY MISS SOMEONE SHUT UUUUP😭😭

it’s little things like this that can add SO MUCH to the environment i love them and adore them

the graphics are fucking insane

this all looks so real

the reflections in the water are B O N K E R S

so good

JESSE TALKING ABOUT DRINKING AND PLAYING BOARD GAMES WHEN THEY GET BACK😭😭😭😭😭😭

ya’ll this game is so gorgeous

and this storm comin in?? WOOOOOO it’s gonna get INTENSE

also according to the game i’ve played 21 hrs? which is kinda false bc i leave it paused for a long time whenever i go do something so that’s not entirely accurate but it’s still fairly close

SNIPER SPOTTED AT THE MARINA??? TOMMY????

“the best way to help tommy, is to go after abby.” THE WAY JESSE LOOKS AT HER LIKE “girl be fuckin for real”

ellie’s chompin at the bit bc she’s looking at a ticket for a straigh shot to the aquarium

but tommy is def more important atm

they are sending UNITS for ONE MAN

help your uncle ellie jesus

jesse looks pissed

“you do this, i’m not saving your ass again.” ELLIE WHEN DID YOU? JESSE came TO YOU in hillcrest??

elliiieeeeeeeeee abby can wait girl

jesse is not happy w her rn

WATER STEALTH WOOOOO

that was fun! i really like the silencer it’s a PHENOMENAL addition to the stealth gameplay

BOAT TIME

now who the fuck thought it would be a good idea to let ME drive a boat

naughty dog and i have a complicated history with water vehicles

YEA I’M LOOKIN AT YOU UNCHARTED 1

FUCK YOU AND YOUR JET SKI BULLSHIT

OH MY GOD THE ICE CREAM TRUCK😭

i like how ellie’s hair is really floppy now bc it’s fuckin soaked

ANUTHA CARD BABYYY

the thunder sounds so fuckin good the sound design for this game goes CRAZYY

NEW JOURNAL ENTRYYY WOOOO

“abby i begged you to stop. you brought this on yourself.” jesus ellie

SAFE COMBO WOOO

what the fuck does a bitch have to do to get fuckin tape around here jesus christ

A BITCH JUST FOUND SOME TAPE FUCK YEAAAAAA

oh my god. these letters to jules started back in the fucking subway where you fight a shambler for the first time

before the fucking theater… goddamn

he set out to find the seraphites and he sure fuckin did

holy shit

so if you are to be part of the seraphites, you shave your head, give yourself scars, and you’re given a new name.

holy fuckin shit this is CULTY

searching this derailed train is fuckin sick

another misha letter lmao

okay i am someone that HATES storms like i have so many bad memories and shit associated w storms

one too many close calls w a tornado will do that to you

so the level of tension is DOUBLED for me when going through these buildings on the boat and this music keeps crescendoing while this storm goes fuckin crazy

THAT’S A BLOATER

THAT’S A GODDAMN BLOATER

LONG TIME NO SEE

FUCK OFF PLEASE

THAT WAS SO FUCKIN SCARY

ANUTHA CARD BABYYYYYYY

oh my god

oh my god the ferris wheel is right fuckin there

I’M JUST GOING OUT INTO THE OCEAN???

SOME OF MY WORST FEARS ARE MIXING RN

THALASSOPHOBIA AND STORMS DO NOT MIX WELL

FUUUUUCK THE BOAT GOT SWEPT AWAY

EEWWWWWWWWW I HATE THIS

CLIMB ELLIE CLIMB

oh my god the fucking lightning behind the ferris wheel and ellie standing in the foreground, wind blowing her hair

IT’S RIGHT THERE

I’M SO SCARED

oh my god i’m at the doors to the fucking aquarium

THIS MUSIC IS SO INTENSE I’M GONNA THROW UP

THE FUCKING SHARK IN THE WINDOW JUMP SCARED ME ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME UUUUGH

i’m in…

i fucking HATE this

i literally am so fucking scared of the ocean all of these exhibits that i’m having to go through are making me wanna scream and run the other direction dude

into the vents…

THE DOG

I’M SORRY TO THIS DOG AND ALL THE OTHERS AHHHHHHHH I’M SORRY

OH SHIT THIS IS ALL THEIR SLEEPING BAGS

OWEN’S TAGS OHHHHHHH SHIT

ellie is breathing SO HEAVILY

to be fair i am too jfc

the atmosphere is insane

OH MY GOD IT’S OWEN AND MEL

MEL LOOKS SO SCARED SHE’S LITERALLT SHAKING

FUUUUCK MAN

OH MY GOD ELLIE’S USING THE MAP TACTIC LIKE JOEL AND TOMMY

oh no. ohhhh no.

fuuuck owen saying “she’s pregnant.”

fuuuuck.

oh shit it’s tommy! and jesse!

but also FUCK

THE MAAAAP.

THE MAP.

THE FUCKING MAP.

GODDAMNIT

ENDING THAT SCENE W MEL’S BLOOD POOLING TOWARD THE MAP AND THEN CUTTING TO DINA????

FUUUUCK MAN. THAT’S GOOD SHIT RIGHT THERE.

BUT ALSO, NO IT’S FUCKING NOT

the way ellie’s looking at her🥺

ELLIE MOVING AWAY WHILE DINA REACHES FOR HER 😭😭😭😭😭

FUCK AAWWWWFFFFFFFFF

awe dina took the sorority secrets book 🥹

WAIT. AM I ABOUT TO FIGHT ABBY?? WAIT WAIT WAIT WAIT

I’M SCARED

WAIT WAIT WAIT WAIT WAIT WAIT

LIKE THAT SCENE FROM THE PUNISHER THAT’S ME RN

NO TOMMY’S GOING TO GRAB SOMETHING FROM THE MAIN ENTRANCE

THIS IS DEFINITELY IT

OHHHHH FUCK

I’M SCARED TOMMY COME BACK I JUST GOT YOU BACK PLEASE DON’T LEAVE

“my friend’s problems are my problems” I LOVE HIMMMMMM

“my friends can’t get out of their own damn way” HE’S SO- AHHHHHHHH

I LOVE JESSE

FUUUUUCK THERE WERE THUDS AND NOW THEY’RE RUNNING

FUUUCK OFF

jesse’s gone.

F U C K.

FUCK

AGAIN. I AM PART OF THE LAURA BAILEY FAN CLUB WHICH LIAM O’BRIEN IS THE PRESIDENT OF

SHE’S GIVING A PHENOMENAL PERFORMANCE

WITHOUT SEEING ABBY’S SIDE OF THE STORY YET, I’M PISSED AT HER. I DON’T LIKE HER.

BUT I HAVEN’T GOTTEN TO KNOW HER YET

SO WE’LL SEE

BUT AS OF RIGHT NOW, I WANNA HIT HER REAL FUCKIN HARD

THIS IS WHEN IT SWITCHES TO HER GAMEPLAY???

HUH????

FUUUUUUUUCK BRO.

RIGHT AFTER JESSE? AFTER JOEL? AS SHE JUST KICKED THE SHIT OUT OF TOMMY?

FFFFUUUUUCCCCCCKKKKKK

AGAIN, I LOVE AND ADORE LAURA BAILEY AND I WILL CONTINUE TO DO SO

okay listen i’m not doing this bc i’m mad at the story or anything

but i’m ending my session for the day haha

i started at fuckin 11:25am and it is now midnight LMAO

there were many breaks in there but i still played A LOT today and i have a fuckin migraine so i’m gonna go the fuck to sleep

i’ll play tomorrow maybe but we’ll see

this post was hella long so if you made it all the way down here, bless you. i love you. i hope you are staying safe.

new episode tomorrow!!

[mudpuddledemon]

Dilemma 📦

We got a package at our new house for the previous owners. A pharmacy package. 2 months after they moved. I’m not sure they forwarded their mail because we still get a ton of it. 😒 But it’s probably something on auto delivery they forgot about, but jfc get your shit together people, damn. So. Item 1) The house sale did not go well, there have been multiple issues they did not disclose, and they came off, at least to me, as massive assholes. So I’m at least partly inclined to throw this package in the garbage. But. Item 2) I’m also generally very conciensous and sympathetic and rule abiding. And it’s medicine. And I hate waste. Item 3) I am perpetualy tired and socially anxious, and making phone calls to strangers is awful (I wouldn’t be calling them anyway, I have no way to get in touch w them) I’d be calling companies. Which is double annoying. So like. Would you chuck it in the trash? Call the pharmacy company? Call Fedex that delivered it? I don’t even know, but I’m tired of it sitting on my counter. I do know that they moved super far away and I’m spending zero dollars mailing it to them. Also they’re shitty entitled white baby boomers who considering how much we paid them for this gd house are bordering on rich, so. 🙄 But also I opened the package hoping it was super cheap and it would help me justify trashing it and it was not and it was awkward personal stuff that might be expensive? and now I feel slightly more guilty and invested. 🤦‍♀️ But if it’s important they probably ordered more already, right? And/or yelled at one of the companies about it being lost and got it replaced? Do you think there’s anywhere to donate medicine? 🤔 I would probably pay to ship it to someone that’s not an asshole.

[floralreddie]

falling in love with Richie Tozier: Part 4 (when they’re teenagers/adults)

oh wtf guys i went full on fucking angst in this one jfc wt f

two more parts after this one, i reckon!

you remember that summer of terror and clowns and blood and forming a group of friends that you’ll love to death, and you know you’re both thankful for it and horrified by it

because, times like this, you don’t know why the fuck the sight of a clown freaks you out so much

you’re all at the graduation fair that’s held on the football field, and you and the Loser’s are standing there, ice creams in hand, and watching in horror as a fucking clown juggles in front of the Ferris wheel

‘that sight fucking anyone else up as much as it’s fucking me up?’ Richie pipes up

you all hum and nod in agreement

so, in unison, you all turn away wander about the grounds, where graduated seniors are tipsy and excited to be, finally, leaving High School

you’re all eighteen, and you’re all adults. finally

Richie’s arm is thrown over your shoulders and he’s talking to Mike. Eddie is at your other side, finally the same height as you and daintily licking at his strawberry ice-cream. Bill and Ben walk in front of you all, heads ducked together as they talk lowly

none of you have said anything yet. nothing about how this is going to be your last summer together. it’s June now, and you have July and August together before you all go your separate ways

Eddie is going to Columbia. Bill is going to Stanford. Stan is going to Brown. Mike is going to stay in Derry. you asked him if this was what he really wanted, and he had shrugged and said it was what he needed to do

someone needed to hold the fort

someone needed to be here. just in case

you and Richie had decided together that you would stay together, because how the fuck could you not be with him? you were going to Duke to study medicine for years and years, and he was going to Cali University

you would be on other sides of the country

you 

you were so fucking scared

scared that you would forget

scared that he would

scared that everyone would

you think everyone had the same fear, but no one said anything about it

the summer moves too fast

you go on road trips in Bill and your cars

you sit under the stars with your friends, you family, and you drink and laugh and talk about childhood memories

Richie gives you a necklace with a firefly on it, and you wear it every day

you’ll always wear it. that way you won’t forget

because Bev did

and the Bev forgetting was something that should never have happened

you talk with Mike as much as you can, because your parents are moving to Washington at the end of summer and you know there are so few things tying you to your childhood hometown

‘quit looking so fucking sad, doll. christ’

you look at Richie, your heart tugging and your eyes wet. ‘you’ve got to promise me you won’t forget. you’ve gotta promise me you’ll call every day’

he stares at you, glasses magnifying those big brown eyes and a suddenly serious look tugging at his face. ‘don’t say shit like that. you sound like Eddie’

you shove his shoulder and pull him closer to you. you’re lounging in the back of your car near the Quarry and it’s midnight and it’s only three weeks until you’ll all be going your separate ways

he does what Richie does, and plants a voice on and starts reciting a bunch of jokes you’ve heard a billion times before, but make you laugh all the same

he tells you he loves you

you tell him you love him

you talk about California, and how you’ll book a ticket to come and see him in October

he nods and says he’ll book one for a weekend in November 

you don’t plan past that

the weeks go by quick, and you go to the Aladdin with the Losers. you go the park, to the Quarry (you even swim in it, for old times sake, but Richie is far more fucking touchy than he was when he was thirteen and Bill has to stutter out more than once for him to stop grabbing your butt underneath the water), and you drive around the outskirts of Derry

you find yourself looking at that silver scar on your palm more often in those last weeks

you even see Greta hanging around her dad’s pharmacy, but the girl doesn’t bother looking your way

she hasn’t done so in years

you remember a time of bullying

you remember Henry Bowers, and it takes you a moment to remember how he died and how more often than not you would be telling Mike he did what he had to do

the day before you go to college, you all gather in Bill’s basement and watch a film and you lean against Richie and Eddie sits at your feet and suddenly it’s over

and you’re all saying goodbye

because you and Bill are leaving tomorrow, then Stan, then Richie, then Eddie

you’re a fucking wreck, and it’s more than embarrassing. you all stand in Bill’s front garden, and you’re all fucking snotty and teary when you hug Bill first. ‘I’ll see you around Big Bill. Try and and stay in touch, okay?’

Then you hug Stan, who’s stiff and tight jawed and he practically has a heart attack when you wet the front of his woollen jumper. ‘Shit. sorry, dude’

 you practically lift Eddie of the ground when you hug him as Bill goes around saying his own goodbyes around you. ‘Columbia isn’t that far away, Ed’s’.

he winces. ‘not you, too. Jesus fucking Christ. don’t call me fucking Ed’s, (y/n)’ and Richie laughs from behind you, whilst you wipe away your wet cheeks and pat Eddie’s shoulder

‘sorry, dude’

Mike is next, and he tells you to quit it as you blubber and announce that, ‘shit. this is so embarrassing. I love you, Mike’ 

Bill is hugging Stan, long and hard

you wrap your arms around Mike and he’s so tall and so solid, and you wish more than anything that you could take him with you. ‘I’m going to miss you so much. I’ll call, okay?’

and you fucking pray you’ll remember to do so

you all nod when you’re done, and you back into Richie’s arm and sniffle and laugh and nod and Bill backs into his house and you all walk your separate ways, and Richie holds you all the tighter

‘I haven’t seen you cry this hard since your cat died’

‘I’m sad, you douche’

‘…I know, doll’

that makes you cry all the harder, so Richie freaks out and flaps his hands at you and tells you to stop already

your mom and dad are out for the night, insisting you and Richie can have the house to yourselves, and Richie proclaims that your parents are so fucking cool, no wonder they were leaving this shitty ass town behind

they did’t belong in Derry, where the shittiest of shit parents lived

you don’t reply, instead you take him by the hand and drag him upstairs and help him remove each article of clothing (from his salmon pink, patterned shirt, to his baggy blue jeans and chucks) and you, for the first time, experience what making love feels like because suddenly he’s everywhere and everything and you swear to fuck he actually cries

‘we won’t forget each other,’ you say into Richie’s chest, you hair a mess and your cheeks wet with new tears. ‘we can’t. I love you all too much. I love you too much’

and Richie replies, voice so oddly small, ‘Bev and Ben loved us, too’ and you nod and sniffle and snort

‘I’m such a fucking wimp what the fuck’

you lay wrapped in each other, skin to skin, and he’s there the next morning as you and your parents pack up the car and go on your way

and you kiss his cheeks and his glasses and touch his hair

and you tell him you love him

and you give him the bracelet you wear on your wrist (it’s a twist of fabric you and Eddie made years ago)

and you call him annoying as hell when he snorts at it

and you drive away from Derry, with Richie in the mirror and your parents shushing you as your sob and you drive away

from memories

from the Losers

and you feel like a weight his twisting and lifting

and you wonder if this is how Ben and Bev felt

you move into your dorm and place picture around it, pictures of the Quarry and of them and of him

but you start to forget

it’s slow at first

you never call Bill or Stan

you call Mike maybe three times in September

and Eddie once

you call Richie every day, and he tells you of Cali and it’s heat and how far away it is from his parents

you call him every three days the second week

then four

you forget to ask him questions you know you should know the answers to

one time you call him and he stutters on your name after his dorm-mate gives him the phone

you visit him in October, and both of you hug and kiss and you talk on the walk to his dorm, and both of you forget Bill’s fucking name

and what the fuck was that creepy house called where Eddie broke his arm? how did he break it again?

and, shit, was Stan Jewish? ‘Of course he fucking was,’ Richie laughs, but it’s half empty and worried. ‘Shit’

you spend two days in Cali, and it’s hot and exciting and so different from your new home. it’s so very Richie that you want to cry, because he has found his home (and you half wish you had come here with him, because this place is wild and free)

you say goodbye in front of the airport, with his mouth on yours and his glasses knocking your nose, and he suggests that he might get contacts and you smack his arm and tell him that if he ever fucking does that, you’ll kill him

he laughs and puts on a voice and kisses your nose

and that’s…that’s the last time you see him for years

he’s smiling and wiping his cheek when you turn around

and you know

you both know

that you’re forgetting

because neither of you mentioned him coming to you next month

because it’s so fucking hard remembering when you’re so far away

(and why didn’t he come to your college, and why did you go to his, and why have you forgotten the boy who was your best friend in Derry, the one you left behind, and why does the firefly necklace feel so heavy against your chest, and why does the scar on your hand seem to be getting fainter, and why do the pictures feel like they’re fading?)

you don’t know whether it’s magic or a fucking horrible summer that you still don’t understand, but come Christmas you’re in Washington and your parents don’t ask about your boyfriend

and

and you’ve forgotten you even fucking have one (had one)

and you feel so empty

and you don’t know that on the other side of the country, Richie Tozier is doing everything he can to fill that weird fucking void he has in his chest and grunts in confusion when his dorm mates ask about the girl who came to visit

so he drinks and smokes and sleeps with a few senior girls and even one dude

and you don’t touch anyone

ever

for years

because you’re busy with school and you work until you cry, because nothing can replace him (but who the fuck is him?)

and you become lonely

and you have so few friends (and it’s like a time, you think, when you surrounded yourself with people who were never really your friends)

you wear the firefly necklace and you don’t know why

or who gave it to you

or why the sound of childish laughter in the street makes you think of a time where you felt alive and happy and surrounded by those you loved more than anything 

and you’re in the West Coast and you’re thirty-one (you’re done with schooling and you’re a fucking doctor and you got a job in LA at a fucking good hospital and your dad…your dad is gone but your mum is alive) and you hear a voice on the radio and its boisterous and loud and doing some weird fucking accent (the British Guy, you think)

and you can’t breathe 

so you shut off your car and pull over and listen and listen and listen to his voice (it’s deeper, you think. deeper than you remember)

who?

who is it? what do you remember?

but you remember a boy with glasses who had your heart, and a boy with an inhaler who was braver than he knew, and a boy who would stutter but spoke the best, a boy who was your best friend and kinder than anyone, and a boy who was so neat and level-headed and good, a boy who knew facts and loved…and loved the girl with red hair who you aspired to be like, but who left too soon

it makes your heart break and your breath quicken, and you cry for twenty minutes before vowing to never listen to that station again because what the fuck

and, suddenly, you’re forty and a surgeon and living in LA (you’re so close, so fucking close to him but you don’t even know it)

and a man is calling you

and his voice is home and happiness

and his name

his name is Mike

and he says, ‘it’s back, (Y/N). everyone’s coming. are you?’.

and you remember

[lightspren]

Year End 2017 Wrap Up

I’m gonna be straight up honest with y’all, I almost didn’t do one of these for this year because this year has sucked horrifically and I just didn’t see a fucking point. But I’ve done one every year for like, at least four years now, and it’s tradition, and I for some reason feel it’s important, so by damn I’m gonna look back on my text posts from the year and my memories of what I was doing and see what happened this past year.

Jan 2017 - Was beginning my last ever semester of undergrad this month. At this point I still thought I’d be going to grad school hahahah so much can fucking change in a few months. Started my AC sideblog so that’s cool. and even this far back (: we still see me struggling with debilitating pain (: which has been a trend ever since I’ve been doing these year summaries I think, is seeing how bad my pain was throughout the year. jfc. looks like I was struggling with some depression symptoms here too, go fucking figure. I had an interview for grad school too and we know how badly that went…

Feb - Here’s where I decided I thought i might be on the autism spectrum. I now think I was wrong on that self dx, but you know, journeys of self discovery are important and all that. but here’s lots more pain and tired and “brain not working” which was lots of depression symptoms I believe, sigh I let that get bad for a while there. Oh and then I learned I didn’t get into that grad school I got the interview for.  so yeah that was Feb in a nutshell l o l

Mar - Breath of the Wild came out this month and dominated my life for a month or two, I still love this game very much and it’ll always hold a special place in my heart, ti’s just so good and sweet and lovely. I still haven’t even really beat it LOL and I need to but. still. that’s never been the most important part of Zelda games to me. OOO THO I had beginnings of existential crises this month!! cause I was getting so bogged down in my thesis research and didn’t know if research was what I wanted to do forever and ever anymore!! isn’t that fun!! (it was not fun). but the rest of this month seems like. a whole lot of bitching about pain. paaaain pain pain. like holy jesus bitching about pain. maybe if I printed off all these posts and gave them to my doctors they’d believe I have a problem LOL.

Apr - So I had shitty dr appointments that further hurt my chronic illness identity, and then other Ongoing Identity Crisis because of not getting into grad school and wanting a job in which I could help people. this is the month I in earnest started applying for jobs; research tech jobs mostly, but some adjacent jobs too (don’t remember what exactly). I didn’t branch out very far at this point though cause I was still McFuckin Terrified. and then I realized that I didn’t want to leave hundreds of miles away for work, cause as much as a lot of the culture of southern Appalachia can suck sometimes, it’s still home, /my/ home, and I don’t want to abandon it. I know I freaked out a lot about getting my thesis done and presented this month too bc I was soooOooOOoO unmotivated to do that shit LOL like. whew. did not want to, did not care any longer, but still had to do it.

May - GOT MY FIRST EVER TICKET LOL THAT FUCKING SUCKED SO BAD. sigh. otherwise I was mostly vague as SHIT with stuff this month. I know I graduated, didn’t walk though cause I could not give less of a fuck at that point. I applied for every job I could find that I remotely qualified for that was close enough I was willing to move to. I even had a Skype interview for one, either this month or in April. it fell through, of course.

Jun - One of my very first June posts is “who the fuck am I/how do I become who I want to be” LOL so that identity crisis was still rip roaring obvs. then that time when I tried to explain disability stigma to one of my previous (cishet white male) bosses. Had another phone interview this month for another job I didn’t get lmfao. Pretty sure this is the month where I started applying for mental health case management jobs, like a bunch of them, at different locations all in the company I’m currently in.

July - So I think it must have been around the beginning of this month that I had my first in person interview? I bombed that one hardcore. didn’t stop another location from interviewing me though, and I got a second interview with them, which I then proceeded to fail because I had no prior experience. It was brutal LOL. and the new person started at my old job, and I had to start training her, and that whole situation was just awkward and weird and Undesirable. to the maaax. it was this whole ordeal too where they’d scheduled my last day to be the 28th of July, so that’s what I was planning on and like, focused on… but then it turned out my coworker got national guard orders and had to be gone two months, so instead of having newbie there by herself, they were like (to me) “hey… just wanna… chill for two months longer or until you find a job…” which was admittedly hella cool of them.

Aug - Lots of blogging about pain, lots of general vagueblogging. I did announce publicly on tumblr that I’m intending to convert to Judaism so that’s still cool, and still a thing, even if life has been repeatedly crotch-punching me so I haven’t been able to make much actual progress on it. but then, I had the interview for my current job. that i somehow passed with flying colors. And my asthma started getting worse, and I started getting soooooo so done with my old IT job, but I /got my new job/. ALSO THIS MONTH WE GOT RADS MY SWEET NEW BABY so now our family is made of me, my husband, and two kitties.

Sept - September. Oh, September. started out so innocently, with starting orientation for my new job. I was all starry eyed and hopeful for the new job because I thought that it was a perfect home for me. then I got there. started doing things. realized that I was terrified of trying to meet my new coworkers and learn their dynamics. realized I was terrified of trying to meet my new supervisors/superiors and learn their expectations. realized that in general I just didn’t know the culture of the place at all and that fucking /terrified/ me. and then the job itself, the job itself was something I’d never done before, had no experience in /whatsoever/, had no FUCKING clue what I was doing. I was a fish out of water with no bloody idea where I was going, and hoooboy. I almost quit by the end of September, I truly did.

Oct - tw: miscarriage at end of month I started therapy for my anxiety!!! yay!!!! I had a lot of adapting to work in this time too that I didn’t really talk much about on tumblr too I think. I mean I was learning a lot, I was meeting more of my clients, some even time. I was still terrified, especially of my other coworkers because I didn’t know them or understand them, but even at that, I was learning. [Stop reading if you need to avoid tw miscarriage and skip to Nov.] The other horrifically sucky thing to happen in Oct happened not to me, but to my sister. She’d found out a few months perviously that she was pregnant, at 37 years old. they’d just recently gotten all the genetic testings back and found out they were going to have a girl. unfortunately though, the baby stopped developing at 15w. my sister discovered this at what would’ve been 17w. she had to have surgery to remove the baby. she’s still recovering from this trauma, she’s heartbroken and just. very upset. I’m still upset for her too.

Nov - Last month I was doing ok I think. I was doing pretty well at work, kinda just coasting along but mostly getting the hang of things. Therapy had been helping I think; it’d been teaching me somethings, mostly only small differences but I think having someone to talk to had been helping frankly. Work was going well, and we’d decided to start looking for a house to /buy/ (realtor.com) but hadn’t hired a realtor yet. probably for the best. as it turns out now…

Dec - Fuck you, December. the good news is, my new job’s health insurance kicked in Dec. 1st. which is great, considering I got admitted to the hospital  Dec. 7th, a Thursday. the Monday prior I’d tried to pop a zit, no big deal. WRONG. it got infected. not just any old infection, though, oh no. FUCKING MRSA. so I got cellulitis in my face, my whole right side of my face swelled up three times the normal, I got MRSA/pneumonia in my lungs, I had MRSA in my bloodstream. when I came in the ER I had very low blood pressure and heartrate of 130, so I was septic. like. shit was going down. I stayed in the hospital 6 days, and they released me with a PICC line and having to do vancomycin (really strong IV antibiotic) twice a day via the line. I went back to work too early for two days, but saw my PCP on the third day and he put me off that again. /Then the chest pain started/. I assumed it was a side effect of the vancomycin, since back and chest spasms/pain are a listed side effect, but NO, apparently NOT, at least not to this DEGREE. The home health pharmacy, who I called to ask about it, called the on-call at my PCP, who advised to go to the ER to get checked for a “pulmonary embolism.” Doesn’t sound scary at aaaaaaaaaall. Get in ER, go through the whole terrifying ordeal, CT scan, x-ray, shit and shebang - what do you fucking know. I have a septic embolism. very rare. much wow. fuck me. so here I am, once again, in a fucking hospital room, tied up to IV antibiotics, at the end of Christmas day. At least they’re keeping the pain meds going now. Oh at one point my kidney function tried to drop, then it turned out I had a pleural effusion so they drained 550cc (half a liter) of fluid off my lungs (painful as fuck let me tell you). Ended up spedning 5 days total in the hospital, home now, but still in like. the same amount of pain as when I went in. Having to fight with so many things to get medicines sorted and shit. while feeling like shit too. everything is awesome.

So that’s it. 2017. That doesn’t even get into the way 2017 has sucked on a global, non-personal scale, that’s just how it’s sucked on a mostly-immediately-personal scale, and I’ve even left out some of the immediately personal ones I think. and that’s just the shit I remember LOL jesus christ. I really need to do an effigy burning of this year.