#and then when they inevitably leave (bc they will) that's when the ptsd and abandonment issues kick in and i spiral so hard i dissociate

[hauntedwoman]

how do i know for a fact that i cannot be in or never will want a relationship again ? bc i see pictures and videos of happy people in love and i want to projectile vomit like the demon from the exorcist.

[jittyjames]

OMGGGGGG OKAY OKAY OKAY OKAY

before you reached this final plot, what were the first planned major/somewhat major plot points, and how did they change over time while writing?

(sorry, idk if this doesn’t make sense, i’ll try to explain again if you don’t understand lol)

um yeah basically anything about your planning stage (like, your notes, anything really!)

OOOO FUNNNNN OK I HAVE SO MANY ABANDONED PLOT IDEAS

-ok so in the original draft of mine to subdue there was never meant to be a sequel so it was going to be a thing where another person was captured by the redcoats in the same way alexander was and it was the revolutionary set's mission to rescue them and alexander dealt with his trauma in that way. then, the guy was going to turn up dead (with obvious signs of what happened to alexander having happened to him) and cause the really bad spiral that we see at the end of mine to subdue. this was going to deal a lot more heavily with survivor's guilt and having intense ptsd while on the move. like i had a scene i really liked where they were infiltrating a British camp and alexander starts freaking out and we had a fun silenced panic attack moments. but then i wanted to include characters from act 2 and means to go on was born and this was inevitably scrapped

-another mine to subdue abandoned plot was having the guy john killed's friend in the first few chapters be wayyyy more important than he was. so like i kind of wanted to hint at a romance between these two characters and have the friend really messed up over his death to the point he actually became a traitor. like he actually despised alexander and john so much that he began giving intel to the British about them. This ended with him being a part of a kidnapping plot to retake Alexander and Alexander promptly stabbing the friend to death in a really dark, panicky, gorey scene. This was going to be a moment where Alexander's downward mental spiral really became evident (the first draft had alexander being more unhinged than in the actual series. believe me, the current alexander is definitely more calm now)

-something i kind of touched on in mine to subdue was alexander's insecurity and jealousy over john and eliza being together and misunderstanding their intentions, but that was much more intense originally. Alexander was a lot more toxic (i mean hamboy was traumatized so he had a bit of an excuse but still). It ended with john and alexander getting in a huge fight, but i thought it made alexander seem really unlikeable and ooc so i cut it down for the most part. you can still see remnants of it throughout tho!!

-I WAS GOING TO HAVE THE REDCOATS BURN DOWN SCHUYLER MANSION OH MY GOD. it was such a dark scene y'all like redcoats broke in and it's only alexander and the sisters home. they immediately start accosting the girls and being very slimy and icky toward them. alexander needs to do something but he can't bc of his ptsd and he's frozen. THEN IT GETS WORSE BC THEY RECOGNIZE ALEXANDERRRRR. omg just thinking about this chapter still makes me feel gross bc omggg it was so bad. ok so then they say how they've heard of alexander's "services" and how they've always wanted to be pleasured like a king. they say they'll leave if he just gives them a taste of him (ew) and they command alexander down on his knees. AND THEN HE DOES IT BECAUSE THAT'S THE ONLY WAY HE KNOWS TO DEFEND THEM AT THIS POINT. AND EVERYONE IS JUST BEING HELD BY THE GUARDS THERE FREAKING OUT. OMGGG I'M NOT GOING TO GET INTO MUCH MORE OF IT BC I DON'T WANT TO POST THAT HERE but after it's over they think they're safe when they first smell the smoke. and then it dissolves into chaos. it felt a bit too dark (that's a lot coming from me) and i honestly didn't know how alexander would carry on after that when he was already so traumatized so i cut it and poof it was no more.

-now means to go on is the fic that changed the most. originally this was supposed to be yearsssss into the future instead of the five i chose. i wanted philip to be the same age alexander was when it was happening but then i thought it was a bit too much time and despite how crazy my king george is, i don't think he would manage to hold on for that long. but it was basically supposed to follow the plot of the musical and have philip wanting to defend his father after the reynolds pamphlet is released. only instead of alexander being the one to give him the guns, it was john (there was a lot of call back to the first fic and john's duel) i had everyyyything written for this. i had a confrontation between philip and eacker, i had john and philip's conversation, i had philip's death scene and his funeral. i spent so much time on these chapters, BUT i had to let them go in exchange for our baby philip instead. also this was going to be at the end of means to go on, and instead of seeing him early on, alexander would meet back up with the king at the end of the book. it looked a lot different than it does now.

-jefferson and madison were not the great guys i changed them to be in this story. they were sooo villainous but almost in a comical way. like initially they were the ones who found the king's letters in washington's office and thought alexander actually did have a relationship with king george (because they're stupid and couldn't use context to save their lives) but i thought them being morally gray and still respectful to alexander after they found out and sort of forming a bond was more interesting than having them be bumbling idiots. but they were definitely meant to be the comedic relief originally

-i was going to have some scenes involving yellow fever and alexander being delirious and having really fucked up dreams and eliza trying to console him but it's like he's actually reliving it, but it never really fit anywhere. i might actually release this as a oneshot just set in this universe at some point.

I THINK THIS IS ALL OFF THE TOP OF MY HEAD I KNOW THERE'S SO MUCH MORE SO I'LL COME BACK AND EDIT THIS AT SOME POINT AND ADD THEM MAYBE. BUT I LOVED THIS QUESTION. HONESTLY AFTER I FINISH MEANS TO GO ON I MIGHT JUST POST ALL THE OUTTAKES I HAD IN A FIC SPECIFICALLY FOR IT

[witchsickness]

Your scumbag Steve anon here, I love your stuff and am so flattered you’d be willing to listen to headcanons and prompts ❤️ I don’t have anything specific in mind, but would you mind telling us all what your favourite and least favourite harringrove things to write about are?

anon 🥰🥺💘💘 i would like to inform you that ily and. as of right now u are the sole possessor of my heart

im. once again left speechless by all your wonderfully kind words, and idk if any of what follows makes any sense, but. hey. u asked, so. here goes

when it comes to writing billy, which is. generally the case these days (i think i. get him more than i get steve? his way of thinking is closer to mine anyway) i find it so much easier to go wild with the internal monologue. billy’s such a potentially complex and intriguing character, and we only ever got one layer of him on the show, so that leaves me with a vast field of untapped potential and unexplored possibilities to build my version of him on 

he’s made of contradictions, and i’ve seen countless different versions of him, but in my mind he’ll always be the quintessentially tragic hero. a trauma-stricken kid who grew up too fast and had to develop way too many coping mechanisms to stay alive, and writing his thought process is just. so fascinating, bc i think. constantly observing his surroundings, being aware of every little movement and shift in someone’s mood, cataloguing possible exits and outcomes, these things are honed survival skills for him, and i just. love exploring that. trying to understand how his mind works and how his thoughts are always racing and how everything he says and does is calculated and polished obsessively

i think that’s why i. struggle with writing dialogue? i see billy as someone who just. doesn’t say a lot. to anyone. ever. this boy is a walking barrel of trust issues, and i think. in the show, especially, we never really get to see HIM. we only ever see the carefully selected masks he puts on for each person he interacts with, bc he’s clever, like. really, really clever, and he knows how to twist words and manipulate people and situations to get his way, and. growing up under neil’s thumb def meant that speaking his mind would result in punishment, physical and emotional, so i just. don’t see him doing that. he’s quiet and observing the world around him until he needs something, and then he says what he needs to say, what others want to hear, and never actually expresses his own thoughts

which brings me to. both steve and billy. whooo these boys carry heaps of issues on their shoulders, like. u name it. physical and emotional abuse by a family member? check. abandonment issues courtesy of a bad breakup or a lack of motherly instincts? check. nightmares / ptsd / insomniac walks when the world’s asleep? double check. deeply rooted sadness, and loneliness, and resignation? that’s a yes from me, chief. 

the show. either glosses over the trauma or. bypasses it entirely, and like. i get it. that’s not what the show’s about, but also. asha;slfa i don’t really care about the show, tbh? def not in relation to billy and steve

i’m so much more interested in exploring the trauma cause by actual, real life events, rather than the one brought on by supernatural meat puppies, like. i get it, the supernatural horror aspect of the show is rly cool to look at, but that’s not what i care about when i’m writing them. these two. they don’t need any otherwordly lovecraftian monsters to be fucked up. their lives so far have made sure of that, and THAT’S what i’m interested in exploring

the hurt / comfort aspect of their relationship is probably my uhhhh absolutely favorite thing in the entire world. the trust issues they’re both plagued by ensure that functional verbal communication’s gonna take a LOT of time to be a Thing between them, and they’re both minefields ready to go off at the first misplaced step, and i just. love that. i love that it’s not sth they can have for granted, this safe space they’ll find in one another. i love exploring that, how they dance around each other, learn each other’s silent language, test each other’s limits. learn that they can be safe around each other, only around each other, for the first time in their lives

i’ve never actually written a soulmate au for them, but. the thing is. they don’t need any additional soulmate tropes, these two. their entire storyline is a soulmate trope in and of itself, the ‘one of them has an excessive amount of love and no one to give it to and the other burns with a hungry kind of desperation for this exact type of love’ and that. is one of my favorite things to write for them, and makes me lose my mind every time, bc. here u have these two broken boys, broken almost beyond repair, who have both spent their lives in loneliness, one way or another, who never had a safe space, people to depend on, and u have. all these obstacles they have to overcome, but. there’s this inevitability hanging over them from the start, that. no matter what, they’ll always find each other and build a home in each other and become a forever. each other’s forever

[boasamishipper]

endgame review (spoilers!!!)

okay so now that i’ve finally stopped crying and had a good night’s sleep here are all of my thoughts on avengers endgame:

things i liked:

the opening scene with clint losing his wife and kids -- my heart was in my throat the whole time; i felt so so bad for him

nebula and tony bonding

steve getting rid of that beard like thank god

tony and pepper reuniting

tony FINALLY telling steve off for everything; as a lifelong tony stan this was super cathartic

scott reuniting with cassie; in fact, all of scott’s scenes were awesome

bonus - the fact that the only reason any of this was able to happen was because a rat accidentally turned the machine back on

the fact that tony got married to pepper!!! and had a daughter!!! he was such a good dad to baby morgan i loved it

carol’s new haircut  👌 👌 👌

tony looking at peter’s picture  😭 😭😭

“shit :)”

“i love you 3000″

all of the time travel scenes. did the rules make sense? nope. did i love seeing the crew go back in time to all of the previous avengers movies and see their past selves and fuck around with the timeline? absolutely.

going off that -- getting to see all the minor characters like jane and frigga and hank was awesome. i loved the entire time heist plot.

loki making fun of cap by transforming into him

“hail hydra” followed by that smirk (and the fact that they made fun of the whole hydra!cap thing was awesome)

the cap vs cap fight

thor getting to talk to his mother

tilda swinton’s character and bruce talking. seeing her again was def a surprise.

nebula and gamora talking and teaming up to fuck thanos over. karen gillam was great in this film.

tony getting to talk to his father (and the fact that the code name he used was howard potts like??? i cry)

“we’re a long way from budapest” be still my 2013 clintasha heart

the new infinity gauntlet being made out of tony’s iron man hand

the fact that they brought everyone back without fucking up the timeline. i was so worried they’d have to erase tony’s kid from existence but they didn’t so thank god.

steve wielding mjolnir. ngl that was pretty cool.

EVERYONE COMING BACK!!! (i knew it was coming. everyone knew it was coming. but it was still great to see.)

steve saying “avengers assemble”

PETER AND TONY’S REUNION!!! (i waited an entire fucking year for this and it was WORTH IT)

PEPPER FIGHTING ALONGSIDE TONY!!! HOPE FIGHTING ALONGSIDE SCOTT!!! battle couple goals :D

“hey peter parker”

“i am inevitable.” “i am...iron man.” S O B B I N G

tony’s death. like am i sad that tony died??? 150%. but it made narrative sense, he got to be happy with his kid and pepper (for however brief of a time), he found the loophole in time travel that allowed him to save everybody, and he dusted thanos. “you can rest now.”  😭😭😭 a fitting ending for the strongest avenger.

the entire funeral scene. the viking funeral wreath thing with the “proof tony stark has a heart” on it??? GOOD SHIT. i was bawling.

happy and morgan. that kid’s going to have happy wrapped around her little finger.

tony’s final message

the thorkyrie scene (even if i didn’t like what was being said i’m glad they shared some screentime.)

harley coming back!!!

sam becoming captain america (THANK GOD)

the end credits with rdj (the man who singlehandedly made the mcu amazing) being billed last. the theater was cheering and crying at the same time and it was amazing.

the final bit at the end with the noise from tony making his first suit. 😭😭😭

things i didn’t like:

the way they treated thor. taika made thor so amazing in ragnarok and the russos (and the screenwriters) got jealous and shit all over it!!! wtf!!! (and all of the fat jokes and jokes about his ptsd were NOT cool. didn’t like rocket slapping him out of his panic attack either.) can’t believe they made him an alcoholic who sits on his ass and plays fortnite all day. wtf.

for that matter -- i CANNOT believe that he would just up and fuck off with the guardians of the galaxy and abandon his people. is valkyrie a worthy leader??? absolutely. but so is thor!!! that was his entire arc in endgame like WTF!!!! (also the fact that we didn’t get a thorkyrie kiss is fucking CRIMINAL)

also why couldn’t he keep the short hair??? why did he have to get mjolnir back when taika went to all the trouble of showing he didn’t need the hammer to be a hero? did they just want to fuck up EVERYTHING that taika did?

the ending for steve. ‘nuff said.

no you know what? i’m going to go into this further. do i like steve? no. i never have. his actions toward tony in civil war put him on my shitlist forever, and that’s all i am willing to say about that. but you expect me to believe that steve fucking rogers (who KNEW that peggy moved on, lived a good life and had a husband and kids) really went back and fucked up the timeline just to be with her? he barely knew her!! they barely bonded in the first avenger at all!! also there are so many plotholes with how in the world he managed that (what happened when the other cap woke up from the ice???) also does this mean that his ‘romance’ with sharon is technically incest??? and did he just live out the rest of his life with peggy knowing that bucky was being tortured by hydra? insert “it’s bad writing” gif here.

(i am glad that he passed the shield onto sam though. bucky would have been a terrible choice for captain america.)

ALSO. you know who would have been a better choice to go back in time and live the rest of their life with the people that they loved and could not be with due to reasons outside their control? CAROL MOTHERFUCKING DANVERS. let her go back in time and live a happy life with her wife and kid. #carolmaria4evr

the fact that natasha died instead of clint. i literally cannot fucking believe that they fridged the first female avenger just for clint’s (and everyone’s) man pain. it was bad enough when they fridged gamora for thanos’s man pain. clint should have died in nat’s place and the fact that he didn’t is a huge fucking cop out and that’s the that on that.

for that matter -- clint’s entire storyline prior to going back in time was WILD. his only explanation for killing all those people was “thanos snapped half the universe and you didn’t die so imma kill you.”  FUCKING WHAT????

the fact that the russos are patting themselves on the back for their “woke lgbt rep” that was actually just a “leave for the bathroom and miss it” extra. you know what would have been better? a stucky ending. a sambucky ending. carol going home to monica and maria. valkyrie kissing a girl. ANYTHING would have been better than that.

speaking of carol -- she was CRIMINALLY underused in this movie. she was barely shown mourning fury (and also!!! why did we get no confirmation about monica and maria????) and barely spoke to the team in general. i thought she was going to have a major role (and would help them go back in time) but she didn’t and that disappointed me.

did i like the fact that she destroyed thanos’s fleet? yes. but i wish she was used more. she’s the most powerful avenger ever!!! and i wish that she got to speak more with tony as they’re friends in the comics.

(BRIE LARSON IS AN ACADEMY AWARD WINNING ACTRESS AND THEY BARELY USED HER!!! LIKE WTF)

i won’t even get into the makeup thing bc that’s already been said and done. actually no i will. there was no reason for her to have perfect hair and lipstick and makeup. that’s not who she is. please let butch ladies continue to be butch please and thank you.

the fact that they didn’t bring gamora and natasha back :(

this might be controversial but i didn’t love the fact that pepper and tony suddenly retired to a lakehouse and became stay at home parents. i was totally expecting pepper and tony to keep running stark industries and make it into a charity organization that helped people in need/those affected by the snap.

the fact that they never fucking explained how time travel worked and WHY they couldn’t just go back and kill thanos as a baby (that was a good suggestion!). and the thing where nebula shot her past self and somehow lived??? it made no sense. i mean. i know it’s bad writing. but i was expecting it to be at least a LITTLE better. where are my explanations.

speaking of bad writing -- did the avengers ever come out and say the reason that everyone got dusted? did everyone know it was bc of thanos? why are some places in such states of disrepair and others are not? who ruled wakanda since shuri and t’challa were dusted? so many unanswered questions. rip.

the directing of the final battle was on par with the throne room battle scene in the last jedi in that both are chaotic and messy and that’s the that on that. as was the scene where hawkeye was beating up the yakuza. messy. lame. yawn.

the scene with all of the female superheroes. was it cool? sure. do i wish natasha could have been there? YES. do i wish that the mcu had more female superheroes? DOUBLE YES. was it a blatant attempt for the russos to pat themselves on the back and be like “sEE!! WE’RE FEMINISTS!!! LOOK AT US!!”?? definitely.

honestly, i was expecting the acting to be way worse than it was based on how all my mutuals were going off about it. overall, though, it was clear in some scenes that the actors had no idea what the context of their lines were and the acting was pretty meh throughout, and for the biggest marvel movie of the year the acting should be a damn sight better than “meh”. but this just reinforces what i know already, which is that the russos are shitty directors. get them as far away from the mcu as possible please and thank you.

things i wish we got:

a carolmaria reunion

a peter&may reunion

a fury&everyone (and esp a fury&carol reunion)

clint sacrificing himself instead of nat sacrificing herself

valkyrie talking to thor about overcoming alcoholism and ptsd

thor staying in new asgard with his people

steve going back and dancing with peggy like he promised and THEN going back to the future (where all of his friends are) and retiring or helping fury bring back shield.

better writers

better directors

an end credits scene that set up phase 4 (tho i assume we will be getting that in spiderman far from home)

tldr - thor got fucked over. tony is a hero and the love of my life. steve shouldn’t have gone back in time to be with peggy. nat shouldn’t have been fridged. the writing was meh and the directing was worse. not the complete and utter shitshow i was expecting, but not the so-called greatest movie in the mcu. give rdj an honorary oscar. 6/10.