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#and they had an awful 100 dollar bill pattern
continuousmeowing · 2 years
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went to goodwill today and bought a mug that says "i dont need google my wife knows everything". Also bought a shirt that says "pairs well with wine". I am unmarried and under 21.
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bluemusickid · 4 years
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𝓕𝓮𝓶𝓶𝓮 𝓕𝓪𝓽𝓪𝓵𝓮
Pairing: Ransom Drysdale x Conwoman!Reader
Warnings: smut, 18+, unprotected sex (do not recommend, pls be wise) Ransom's hurt ego/pride.
A/N: I love Ransom so much. I'd probably let him get away with murder, which is probs wrong since I'm a law student. Anyways, hope you enjoy!! Also the writing is crap and not at all intelligent, I just needed to let off some Ransom steam. ^_^
I post my stuff here and on AO3, nowhere else. 
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You took a sip of your martini. Perfect. The one thing about these high end resto-bars was that they never went wrong with their martinis. Always the right balance of sweet and intoxication. If only you could always afford these places.
You didn't mean to sound bitter, oh no no. Life has worked out better than expected. Your way of life got lonely sometimes, but survival of the fittest was the way of life, right?
In your experience, doing what you did, you realised that men were very literal creatures, always thinking linearly. Most of them lacked any depth to their thoughts, their way of life. The rich ones? They were as deep as an above ground pool. Throwing money every chance they got, flaunting their first row seats at the operas, trips to their villas in the French Riviera and what not. Their wives had no idea, always doting after their perfect husbands, with their Himalayan Birkins.
Imagine the surprise these men felt when you took what was most precious to them; no, not their families or children, but their money. A woman, no less. A woman who they had considered a damsel, in need of pearls and diamonds, and their strong strapping arms and care. And they didn’t dare report this. How could they? As far as their wives were concerned, you didn’t exist. You snorted. Good riddance, and all that. 
That’s why you chose him.
Hugh Ransom Drysdale.
He wasn’t a different one, that's for sure. A pretty boy with arrogance dripping off of him like he had just stepped out of a swanky prep school. He screamed rich kid, with his perfectly coiffed hair, right to his buffed fingernails. 
This should be easy, you thought to yourself.
You walked passed him, swaying your hips ever so slightly. Your look for tonight was carefully calculated: bait for a good, prize catch. There were many men there, sure, ordering crates of champagne for their "business associates".
But this one was different. He didn't pay heed to you as you made your way towards him, placing yourself next to him at the bar, nor did he check you out like most men did. He simply took a swig of his drink, focusing hard at something in his phone. Weird. You chose to give him the benefit of the doubt, calculating his next move. Surely, he'd ask to buy you a drink. He was just playing hard to get, you were sure. His next move stunned you, however.
He got up, slid a 100 dollar bill on the counter, and walked away, his jacket slung over his arm. You blinked, not really understanding what had happened. You ordered a red wine, quite perplexed. This was perhaps the first time something like this had happened, and it quite perturbed you.
You didn’t have time to dwell on your thoughts, however, as the bartender slid a coaster towards you.
“Mr. Drysdale sends his regards.”
You frowned. Drysdale? The famous real estate mogul? Man oh man, this was gonna be good.
You smirked as you read the scribbles on the coaster. To think you thought that he was gonna be different. Oh well. Room 537 it is, then.
You made your way to the room, checking your makeup and spritzing on a bit of perfume on the way. Standing outside his room, you knocked three times before the door swung open to reveal a treat.
Mr. Drysdale, sans shirt and his tight dress pants. Yum.
You composed yourself and entered the room, remembering the fact that you had a job to complete.
“So, that’s your game?” you asked, setting yourself down on the settee by the minibar.
“I don’t play games.” he said, pouring an amber liquid from the crystal cut decanter.
“Then why bother giving me your room number?” you drawled, accepting the glass.
“I know you wanted me to chase you. Knew it from the moment you entered. But that’s not how I work. I get what I want, and I wanted you.”
“A real charmer, aren’t ya?” you said dryly.
“Let’s cut to the chase sweetheart. You want me, I want you. Simple.”
“How can you be so sure that I want you? I could have just come up to confront you or something.”
“Yea, right. That dress says differently. You know what you want and you were going after it. I just skipped a few steps along the way. You’re welcome.” he smirked, raising his perfectly shaped eyebrow at you.
“So now that your plan has come into play, what do you suggest we do?”
He grinned and took a swig of his drink. Placing his drink on the counter, he took your hand in his and pulled you up, pulling you tightly to him.
Leaning towards your ear, he rasped, “I’m gonna fuck you till you can’t walk.”
With that, Ransom didn’t waste any more time. He picked you up bridal style and tossed you on the bed, without any preamble.
“Last chance to leave, kitten. Whaddaya want?”
You gulped. You wanted this, you needed this. You didn’t bother answering him as you pulled him down by his tie, lips melding against his as you held onto his collar. He was surprised by your sudden attack, but reciprocated equally, if not with more ferocity.
Lowering you onto the bed, he yanked the thin straps of your dress down, sucking at your pulse point, his hands caressing your body. You moaned, feeling his actions go straight to your core, lighting you up from within. He pulled the dress down with urgency, freeing your breasts from their confines.
Taking a hardened nub in his mouth, he swirled it around his tongue as his hands wandered lower. He was about to pull your dress up, when you stopped his wandering hands, pushing him off you, as he looked at you, bewildered.
“What the-!” he began but you quickly silenced him with your lips, your hands working double time to undo the buttons of his shirt. You deepened the kiss pulling him by his tie, while grinding against him ever so slightly. He broke away from the kiss, panting; his eyes wide, an unknown emotion swirling in the midst.
“Oh sweetheart.”he growled, “You’ve awoken the beast, now.”
With that, you were lost in a frenzy of movements. He nearly ripped your dress off, throwing you on the bed, caging you underneath his body. Lowering himself, he nipped and sucked at your neck, your collarbone, your breastbone, his voracious tongue leaving fire in its wake. You gasped, fingers making their way to his messy locks. What had started off as a game, a new target, was quickly becoming something more, and that thought scared you.
Eyes on the prize, sugar. Let him lead.
His tongue was drawing circles on the tattoo at your abdomen, while his fingers were at your core, his thumb lightly nudging your clit. Jesus. Your hips moved of their own accord, tugging at his hair in silent plea. Looking up, he saw your need and whispered lasciviously, 
“I’m gonna make you scream till all the other floors know my name, sweetheart. Just need to get you nice and ready for me. Wouldn’t want to break my promise now, would I?”
With that, you felt your entire focus shift to your core, as his intrepid tongue drew patterns on your clit, his digits moving within your wet channel. You groaned, tugging on his hair, bringing him closer to where you wanted him. You felt your walls tightening, the coil in your belly ready to unwind. He withdrew his fingers, moving up swiftly, gazing into your indignant eyes.
“Only time you’re gonna come is on my cock, sweetheart.”
With that, he thrust himself inside you, your walls engulfing him. Luckily for you, Ransom didn’t do sweet, slow thrusts. He set up an unrelenting pace, spearing into you, his shaft reaching places which no man had been able to reach before. You groaned, closing your eyes, your head jerking to the side, unable to handle all the sensations he was invoking.
Grasping your chin, he turned you to face him. “Eyes on me, sweetheart. I wanna see how good you feel while I’m taking you apart.” he rasped.
Something in his voice made you break; making you almost feral. You pushed on his shoulders, catching him off-guard for a minute, enough to push him on his back and straddle him.
Leaning down and catching his lips for a kiss, you whispered, “You should have the best view for a show like that, then.”
You sunk down on him, moaning loudly as you engulfed him to the hilt. Holding onto his hands for support, you began riding him for all your worth. Ransom watched on with awe, his eyes mesmerised by the sight of you; your eyes closed, mouth slack with arousal and your breasts bouncing with each bob. 
You were quickly reaching your peak and Ransom could feel that too. He planted his feet down on the mattress, thrusting upward, meeting you thrust for thrust. Your thighs started quivering, an intense pressure building up with each thrust.
“Come on, come for me, kitten.” muttered Ransom, through gritted teeth.
You threw your head back, screaming as you reached your peak, raking your fingernails across Ransom’s chest. As your walls clenched around him tightly,  Ransom grasped your waist, holding onto you as he thrust upwards, chasing his end. 
Leaning down, you took one of his buds into your mouth, swirling your tongue around as you met his eyes.
“Come for me, tiger.” you said huskily, tugging on his lower lip.
Ransom grunted and cussed loudly as he poured himself into you, his grip on your waist tight as he held you in place till he filled you with every last drop. Rolling off him, you watched him catch his breath, slowly drifting off, his arm encircling your waist as he went deeper into slumber.
After a few minutes, you checked on him, just to be sure. He was out cold.
You smirked. Alright. 
Time to start Part 2 of the Plan.
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Ransom woke up, feeling satisfied and smug. Yet another conquest down. He didn’t understand why women played these games women loved to play with him. Smirking, he looked over to look at you, but was surprised to see your side empty.
He frowned. Getting up, he checked the bathroom. Empty. 
She left without even giving her name. Ahh, well, not the first time this had happened. Moving to check his phone, he noticed his wallet open, with all the cash missing.
Oh, so that’s why she left. Wow, what a surprise, he thought. Good thing she didn’t leave a name, for she was no more than a common whore, he thought, puling on his pants. 
He was sorely mistaken though.
As he walked past the attached common area, he saw something which made him stop in his tracks.
The safe was wide open, with all of its contents gone. Every last thing.
He stormed into the area, his anger surging with each passing second. He couldn’t give less of a fuck about the goddamn valuables that were missing. But she had taken something which had taken him 3 fucking years to get. 
She had stolen the documents; not just any documents, but the very ones which would have bought the Langleys’ silence and their company, making Ransom a very, very rich man. All gone, because of a quick fuck.
The bitch had stolen his ace of spades. And he would make sure that she would suffer. 
Ransom would make her pay. By hook or by crook.
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A/N: Eeeeek, I was too nervous to put this out ughhhhh. Also, I have a taglist now, if you’re into that sort of thing. 😅  (link is also available in my bio)
Tags: @donutloverxo​ @ozarkthedog​ @chris-evans-indian-fanfic​ @readermia​
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engineer-ai · 5 years
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Why Bill Gates thinks gene editing and AI could save the world
Microsoft co-founder Bill Gates has been attempting to improve the condition of worldwide wellbeing through his nonprofit foundation for 20 years, and today he told the nation’s premier scientific gathering that propels in artificial intelligence and gene editing could accelerate those enhancements exponentially in the years ahead.
"We have an open door with the advance of tools like artificial intelligence and gene-based editing technologies to fabricate this new age generation of health solutions so they are available to everybody on the planet. Furthermore, I'm very excited for this," Gates said in Seattle during a keynote address at the annual meeting of the American Association for the Advancement of Science.
Such tools promise to have a dramatic impact on several of the biggest challenges on the agenda for the Bill & Melinda Gates Foundation, created by the tech guru and his wife in 2000.
When it comes to fighting malaria and other mosquito-borne diseases, for example, CRISPR-Cas9 and other gene-editing tools are being used to change the insects’ genome to ensure that they can’t pass along the parasites that cause those diseases. The Gates Foundation is investing tens of millions of dollars in technologies to spread those genomic changes rapidly through mosquito populations.
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Millions more are being spent to find new ways fighting sickle-cell disease and HIV in humans. Gates said techniques now in development could leapfrog beyond the current state of the art for immunological treatments, which require the costly extraction of cells for genetic engineering, followed by the re-infusion of those modified cells in hopes that they’ll take hold.
For sickle-cell disease, “the vision is to have in-vivo gene editing techniques, that you just do a single injection using vectors that target and edit these blood-forming cells which are down in the bone marrow, with very high efficiency and very few off-target edits,” Gates said. A similar in-vivo therapy could provide a “functional cure” for HIV patients, he said.
The rapid rise of artificial intelligence gives Gates further cause for hope. He noted that that the computational power available for AI applications has been doubling every three and a half months on average, dramatically improving on the two-year doubling rate for chip density that’s described by Moore’s Law.
One project is using AI to look for links between maternal nutrition and infant birth weight. Other projects focus on measuring the balance of different types of microbes in the human gut, using high-throughput gene sequencing. The gut microbiome is thought to play a role in health issues ranging from digestive problems to autoimmune diseases to neurological conditions.
“This is an area that needed these sequencing tools and the high-scale data processing, including AI, to be able to find the patterns,” Gates said. “There’s just too much going on there if you had to do it, say, with paper and pencil to understand the 100 trillion organisms and the large amount of genetic material there. This is a fantastic application for the latest AI technology.”
Similarly, “organs on a chip” could accelerate the pace of biomedical research without putting human experimental subjects at risk.
“In simple terms, the technology allows in-vitro modeling of human organs in a way that mimics how they work in the human body,” Gates said. “There’s some degree of simplification. Most of these systems are single-organ systems. They don’t reproduce everything, but some of the key elements we do see there, including some of the disease states — for example, with the intestine, the liver, the kidney. It lets us understand drug kinetics and drug activity.”
The Gates Foundation has backed a number of organ-on-a-chip projects over the years, including one experiment that’s using lymph-node organoids to evaluate the safety and efficacy of vaccines. At least one organ-on-a-chip venture based in the Seattle area, Nortis, has gone commercial thanks in part to Gates’ support.
High-tech health research tends to come at a high cost, but Gates argues that these technologies will eventually drive down the cost of biomedical innovation.
He also argues that funding from governments and nonprofits will have to play a role in the world’s poorer countries, where those who need advanced medical technologies “essentially have no voice in the marketplace.”
“If the solution of the rich country doesn’t scale down … then there’s this awful thing where it might never happen,” Gates said during a Q&A with Margaret Hamburg, who chairs the AAAS board of directors.
But if the acceleration of medical technologies does manage to happen around the world, Gates insists that could have repercussions on the world’s other great challenges, including the growing inequality between rich and poor.
“Disease is not only a symptom of inequality,” he said, “but it’s a huge cause.”
Other tidbits from Gates’ talk:
When it comes to agriculture, climate change is making the challenges facing farmers in developing countries even more acute, Gates said. More extreme weather conditions could bring more floods, more droughts and more pests and plant diseases capable of wiping out crops. Gates pointed to efforts at CGIAR to develop more resilient strains of corn, rice and other crops, and at the University of Cambridge to build healthier soil. The Gates Foundation recently established a new initiative called Gates Ag One to support such innovations.
Gates said he was concerned about two trends in the distribution of health information. “One is that titillating false information is more engaging than true information,” he said. The flap over the false linkage between vaccines and autism serves as an example of that, he said. “And then there’s this general notion of, hey, if the experts say something, are they somehow biased or naive?” he noted. “This is a fight. Will we go through a cycle where it’s not as acute as it is today? I don’t know. Right at the moment, it doesn’t feel that way.”
Gates said he subscribed to psychologist Steven Pinker’s view that the world is getting better. “Despite that there’s plenty to worry about … we shouldn’t lose sight of the fact that the progress has been absolutely phenomenal,” he said. “Many people are literally ahistorical to think that in a meaningful sense, 20 years ago or 40 years ago, life was better. That’s just not the case. Yes, there are huge problems, but if you’re a woman, if you’re gay, if you were subject to certain diseases, if you lived in developing countries, 40 years ago was dramatically worse than it is today.”
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kjblynx · 6 years
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Emergency Funds
Some of you know my predicament through my RP blog (which I really shouldn’t have posted anything to but I was feeling stressed and needed to vent somewhere public at the moment and didn’t realize my phone was logged into that account) but I thought I’d post this here in more detail. I was an idiot with my budget last month because I was too excited for a convention and forgot I am the money maker in this house.
I’ve put it below the cut because I know people don’t really want to read all this personal shite. My wording in everything below is very informational and formal, following my reasoning patterns rather than telling a story.
My credit union checking account is currently -$388. $358 of that is from a $670 check I wrote for rent. The remaining $30 is a fee from the credit union so the check doesn’t bounce even when I don’t have the full amount in my account.
I’ve applied for a $500 personal loan from my credit union in hopes to cover the rest of this month, but I’ve not received word back yet and I know I’ll owe that plus interest starting in August.
This week I owe: • $80 to a Best Buy credit card used to purchase a few computer components to keep my partner’s programming computer alive. • $22 for my renter’s insurance because it’s a requirement to live in the apartments I live in. • $80 to a different credit card we reserved for gas but had to use to pay rent around November of last year. • $70 to ATT because our internet is effing expensive and still gets bogged down for not apparent reason in the middle of the night when it’s only me playing WoW and my partner playing Beat Saber. All of the above can not be delayed or moved. They just won’t do it. All other payments I was able to adjust for mid-month to give me a couple weeks to get the electricity ($100 because June-July heat is killer and our stove is older than me) and car insurance ($66 but maybe I can cancel it because the car isn’t going to get repaired any time soon) earned through tips and bath bomb sales.
Including food, entertainment, and personal care (Groceries, Netflix, WoW, Dollar Shave) my average monthly expenses is $1200. I’m hoping I can limit my use of the air conditioner and stove this month to bring the electricity bill down for next month; I’ve canceled my WoW sub for the time being and lowered the quality of our Netflix sub. We’re looking at severely limiting our meals to serving sizes and not purchasing any unhealthy snacks or drinks.
My tips in June and July are much lower than the rest of the year. I make an average of $700 in tips per summer month and supplement the difference with selling homemade goods and recording voice overs. Due to limited transportation and needing open availability for my job, getting a second regular job is out of the question. During the winter months I work 40+ hours a week and earn upwards of $2000 in tips alone per month.
My partner programs and makes music 50 hours a week from home and donates plasma twice a week and uses their income to pay the Best Buy and Gas credit card when able, but the amount they make is extremely limited and with their computer acting up they have needed to use some of those funds to purchase parts outside of the Best Buy card.
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paypal.me/kjblynx
My grandmother (retired and barely able to cover her medication) suggested I have a paypal me link available for those whom want to help out, so I’ve made one. My whole family has struggled with money for a long time and I’ve always prided myself on not needing help, but my Gma K tells me I need to suck up my pride and deal with the present. I don’t expect anyone to just donate to me without some sort of clause or strings attached, and I feel odd even asking for help.
I’ll gladly make Glitter Dicks($10each, $15 for custom), Bath Balls($6 each), Foot Fizz(2/$5), and Shower Scents(5/$5) for anyone who wants to help our situation. ($7.50 standard shipping, US only)
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I’m ready to earn the aid people are willing to give. Give me a task, a request, a goal, or a suggestion and I’ll do my best to fulfill it.
In the end, I really am on the verge of cracking. I’m the strong and sophisticated person of my family and friend groups, the ENTJ, full of rational and logic based evaluation, but I’m pulling my hair out and struggling to keep tears in during this.
Thank you for reading this god awful post of me being stressed.
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josephkitchen0 · 6 years
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What Size Generator Do I Need for My Farm, Ranch or Off-Grid Home?
When most people think of Connecticut they envision a state covered in pavement and cramped little houses stacked on top of one another, but nothing could be farther from the truth. Surprising as it may seem, the majority of New England is rural in nature, dotted with farms and homesteads averaging from five to 100+ acres per parcel. Along with the rural nature of our state comes some inconveniences, chiefly the time it takes to fix our long and complex electrical grid. That’s why I’ve had to consider what size generator do I need before a power outage occurs.
Within the last 10 years, New England has seen some brutal winter weather patterns, which is a notable shift from the otherwise expected hurricane damage we used to see on a regular basis. Losing power during a hurricane is no fun, but when the grid goes down in a major snowstorm it impairs the movement of equipment, machinery and repair personnel, which adds considerable time to outages. Albeit not the norm, Rural Nutmeggers know that spending an entire week without power can and does happen. That’s why all of my neighbors own a generator, especially us, however not all generators are created equal as we have found from experience.
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The Knee-Jerk Buying Frenzy
The best time to buy a generator is on a nice, clear sunny day with not a hint of impending adverse weather in the forecast, but that’s not how most people buy their generators since it’s not usually considered as part of their emergency essentials. During our last big power outage (that week long stretch of darkness many of us remember vividly), residents were madly waving cash at anyone who had anything resembling a generator for sale, and it looked like some manufactured doomsday to me. Creative entrepreneurs were renting U-Haul vans and commercial box trucks, driving as far as Pennsylvania and New Jersey to buy every generator they could find, just to return and sell every last one to panicked homeowners, making big profits in the process. You’d best believe people were getting fleeced on these generators, and the fleecing was only beginning.
Cheap Generator Syndrome
We all know that old saying “you get what you pay for,” but honestly, sometimes you don’t even get that. During our last power outage, these miracle generators cost an awful lot of money when every Tom, Dick and Harry homeowner was willing to drop big dollars on a generator before their pipes burst. These off-brand, off-shore built generators did not feature the usual Honda or Briggs & Stratton engines Americans are used to working on, but instead some no-name engine that you can’t get parts for without waiting three weeks for that slow boat from China to arrive. Things were so bad that local power equipment repair shops were turning away generator repair jobs because of the backlog! Was the engine itself junk? Not really, but these generators were being run way too long and way too hard for what they were. More on that in a minute.
Robbing Peter to Pay Paul
Today’s modern household is a mixture of energy-efficient devices and a few good old-fashioned energy hogs, such as our old chest freezers, clothes dryers, electric ranges and well water pumps (for those of us without city utilities). When considering the purchase of a standby generator, you need to consider your electrical needs. People who were blindly panicked buying any generator they could find, quickly figured out that their new nifty 2500 KW generator couldn’t run their house full of appliances. Folks who had purchased an under-powered generator had to pick and choose what ran and what didn’t, for instance; “Well, I can run the refrigerator and a few lights until 7 p.m., then I have to shut the fridge off so I can power the furnace so we don’t freeze tonight…” was a typical story line.
This 50KW monster is a self-contained unit that includes a diesel engine, generator and fuel tank. This is the fully automatic system my local volunteer fire department just installed. Note the radio tower just behind the unit.
What Size Generator Do I Need?
I recently had a conversation about generators with my father, a retired industrial electrician, and for your typical three-bed, two-bath American household he suggests a generator that makes no less than 10 Kilowatts (KW), or 10,000 watts of power. Seeing as your standard electric stove can take up to 8,000 KW of power to run (that’s all burners and oven operating at the same time), 10 KW would be a good minimum consideration, keeping in mind you would still need to be relatively conservative with your power consumption. If you have an all electric home with electric baseboard heaters (which take about 1500 watts to run a single 6-inch base board), consider 15 KW a minimum.
For our purposes which include an electric washer and dryer, electric stove, microwave, oil-burning furnace and a strong well pump as well as leaving us the option to run our tools or even run the welder if need be, we chose a 25 KW generator for our homestead. Having a 25 KW generator means we don’t have to pick and choose. It’s OK to do laundry, cook dinner and weld all at the same time, just as if we had grid power.
The Difference Between Two-Pole and Four-Pole Generators
Generators come in two styles; two-pole and four-pole. Generator heads typically have an outer winding of copper wire, and within that winding spins a rotor with either two magnetic poles or four magnetic poles. Two-pole generators are smaller and cheaper to produce, but they have to spin twice as fast to put out 60 cycle electricity (the standard frequency in North America) unlike the more expensive four-pole versions. What does this mean to us? It means deciding between a generator that has to scream continuously at 3600 RPM to create usable power, or a generator that only requires an engine to spin at 1800 RPM.
Let’s go back to that whole cheap generator syndrome thing for a moment. These small “inexpensive” generators have small gas engines that need to scream at a constant 3600 RPM (revolutions per minute) to give you power you can use. All the bearings in the generator are spinning at 3600 RPM too. Cheap components don’t live all that long when you run them constantly at high RPMs, but these generators are engineered to survive running for up to eight hours a day at a job site and typically do well in that capacity. What they were not designed for is constantly running for days on end, which is why they were giving up after three days of nonstop operation. It wasn’t really their fault, the homeowners were really asking too much of their cheap little generator.
Which Design Is Best For You?
When you consider what size generator do I need, if you only expect to run your generator for a few hours a day, then a less expensive two-pole generator might just fit the bill, but be sure to buy a quality one with a common, name brand engine you can get parts for easily and quickly in your area. One caveat worth mentioning; some generators use a gear box to change a lower input RPM into 3600 RPM which is fine, but remember there is a mechanical energy loss associated with the gear box that will detract from the fuel efficiency of the engine, and the high RPM will still wear harder on internal components like contact brushes and bearings.
If you fully intend to run your generator all day and all night until the power comes back on, or if you’re powering your off-grid home without solar panels and off-grid battery bank, you definitely need a four-pole generator. A four-pole generator will run quieter, eat less fuel, run cooler and generally be much less likely to break down. Any engine will run better and for much longer at 1800 RPM than at the breakneck pace of 3600 RPM. In addition, changing over to a four-pole generator opens up the option of diesel engines since 3600 RPM is close to or in some cases over “red line” or maximum safe operating RPM for most commercial diesel engines.
Engine Options
Generators come with all sorts of engine options and it’s important to consider what size generator do I need before making a purchase. In a two-pole generator, you’re usually stuck with a small gas engine similar to your lawn mower or ride-on garden tractor, but when you take the leap into four-pole generators, you have a few options. Gasoline, propane, natural gas and diesel are all common fuel choices for generators, but which to choose has a lot to do with your location, fuel availability and cost.
If you have a natural gas line or propane line running to your house already, then a generator that utilizes that fuel source makes sense, but propane and natural gas contain significantly lower BTUs (British Thermal Units, a measure of energy density when speaking of fuel) per gallon or pound, so unless you have a gas line feed, it’s not a very viable option. A local gun club in the next town over installed a new propane fed generator and found that their generator ate through a rather large stationary tank of propane in about three days, and due to the power outages and road closures the gas company couldn’t make a delivery to refuel them. Not good.
Gasoline is a good option for people who are isolated, or far from the nearest town and especially in very cold climates since gasoline tolerates the cold far better than diesel fuel. One bonus to gasoline is it’s easier to find fuel at a gas station since not all gas stations carry diesel, but are sure to carry gasoline unless they’ve sold out. If pressed, someone could siphon gasoline from a vehicle to feed the generator if gas stations are out of fuel or have no power themselves.
Diesel engines constitute the overwhelming majority of commercial standby generators, and for good reason. Diesel engines make the most of their mechanical power at low RPMs, which makes them effective and efficient when working at a constant 1800 RPM for generating power. Diesels are known for being robust, sturdy, reliable, efficient and simple, all of which are positive traits to have in a generator engine. Another inherent bonus of diesel engines are their preferred fuel of consumption; diesel. Diesel fuel is an energy dense fuel, which is partly why diesel engines are as efficient as they are. In addition, look into your local fuel tax laws since there may be more cost-effective alternatives to buying road taxed diesel fuel for your generator. Unfortunately, on the flip side of all this positivity, diesel engines are expensive, so be ready to shell out significant cash for a quality diesel backup generator.
Multi-fuel engines are common in military generators, and for those of us who like to buy military surplus equipment, this will likely be an attractive option. Multi-fuel engines are exactly what they sound like, an engine that will eat just about anything you can call fuel such as gasoline, kerosene, alcohol, diesel, biofuel, vodka, jet fuel, perfume, peanut oil, vegetable oil and a bunch of other stuff. Buying military surplus can be cost effective, but beware that these engines are extremely complicated, hard to source parts for and are not exactly efficient. They took the “jack of all trades” route in engineering these engines, and although they will run with different fuels, they won’t always run efficiently.
A PTO driven generator is a cost effective way to buy a generator if you have the tractor to spin it.
PTO-Driven Generators
For those of us who have a farm tractor with a PTO (power take off), there’s good news! Instead of buying a complete generator system, which can be expensive, we can buy just the generator head without the engine and drive it with our farm tractor. PTO-driven generators are becoming common farm equipment these days thanks to their affordable price tag. This option allowed us to buy our 25 KW generator without going broke in the process, but it does tie up the tractor while generating power. You can’t plow snow or otherwise use your tractor without disconnecting your generator, but for us, it works perfectly fine. Once we plowed our driveway, we left out John Deere to hum along at 1800 RPM for a week straight, uninterrupted, with no hiccups or problems.
Bridging The Gap
Now that you now have an answer to what size generator do I need and have a generator picked out, you need it to be connected to your home’s electrical panel unless you intend to have miles of extension cords, which I don’t recommend. This part is something you need a qualified electrician to handle since you can easily cross wires, burn your house down or God forbid, kill yourself or a power company’s employee. I know us country folk like to rely on ourselves and take a DIY approach to most things, but this is one of those times where a professional installation is the best idea.
Any professional electrician that wants to keep their license will give you two options; a manual transfer switch or an automatic transfer switch. A transfer switch does two things at once, disconnects one power source and connects another. This makes grid power and generator power mutually exclusive, meaning that you can’t be connected to both at the same time. This is done specifically to prevent you from feeding electricity back into the grid so that when a power line worker goes to fix a line that is supposedly not powered, they’re not electrocuted by the electricity you accidentally back-fed into the grid.
An automatic transfer switch is nice, but not mandatory.
If you have a generator that is compatible with an auto-start system, then an automatic transfer switch will make it all seamless. When the grid goes down, your generator will start and the transfer switch will change over to generator power without you having to get out of bed, which is a nice convenience when it’s all set up correctly. My local fire department just installed a 200 amp automatic transfer switch, which would be the correct size for a modern home electrical system, and that switch alone set them back $1700, not including installation. It’s a nice convenience, albeit an expensive one.
For the rest of us, especially those of us with PTO-driven generators, a manual transfer switch is the best option, and far more cost effective at around $300. It’s a simple box with a lever and it will safely transfer you from grid power to your generator and back again when you throw the switch either way, keeping everyone safe all the while.
In Short
Buying a standby generator for your home, farm, ranch or off-grid homestead is a great idea, especially since today’s modern homes rely on electricity to heat, cool, light, cook and pump water to make them livable. Just make sure to consider what size generator do I need to make sure everything runs efficiently and effectively in a lights out situation. As one who likes to not be reliant on the grid, but instead self-reliant as much as is practical, having a generator for those rare occasions just makes sense to me. A quality diesel, four-pole generator system or a PTO driven generator in your choice of KW rating will eventually prove its value, so if you have a mind to, invest in one now before the storm.
Have you considered what size generator do I need for my small farm or homestead? What’s your advice for making sure you have power even when the power grid is down? Let us know in the comments below.
What Size Generator Do I Need for My Farm, Ranch or Off-Grid Home? was originally posted by All About Chickens
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LinkedIn: Microsoft’s Second Chance
“Come home, Paul. Dad died today.” That was the message I got from my mom when I returned to my apartment in Brooklyn. Nothing prepares you for the loss of a parent. Suddenly, the security blanket you’ve clutched your whole life is taken away. My father wasn’t rich at his death. However, he left enough for my mother to live comfortably for the rest of her life. However, for me… his death meant that the only person whom I could count on to help me… was gone. It was time to man up and make it on my own, just like my father did. One thing I knew I would have to do if I wanted any shot of making it was this… I couldn’t wallow too long, mourning my father’s sudden death. I had to accept my loss, step up and accept responsibility in full for myself and make changes to make myself a success. When companies go through their moment of death, their process is the same. First, the company has to accept the problem, then take responsibility and make changes to make it successful again. Time for Change Five years ago, Microsoft (Nasdaq: MSFT) was the laughingstock of the computer world. Apple’s iPhone, iPad and Mac computers were selling like hotcakes. The latest version of its Windows software system was so awful no one would buy it. Microsoft’s Bing search engine – which it had invested billions in – was struggling against Google. Despite generating billions of dollars in cash flow every quarter and billions more in the bank, people were openly questioning if Microsoft had a future. Clients would ask me at meetings if they should sell their Microsoft stock at prices that were crazy low. But then, Microsoft accepted the problem. The PC boom era that had made Microsoft its billions was over. It was time for a new direction. Microsoft founder Bill Gates got involved and began to make people take responsibility for the knuckleheaded decisions of the previous 10 years. In August 2013, Microsoft realized that it needed new leadership. CEO Steve Ballmer stepped down, and shares of Microsoft soared nearly 10% on the news… a good sign. And from there, Microsoft realized its next leader would need to make changes, have a new vision and not just come in to fix the problems created during Ballmer’s tenure. Satya Nadella was named the new CEO in February 2014, and he brought with him a new vision for the company. LinkedIn: A Second Life for Microsoft Nadella has been great for Microsoft’s stock. Since he was appointed, the shares have rallied 65% and haven’t looked back. Recently, Nadella made the decision to buy LinkedIn, the professional networking site with 433 million users for $26.2 billion. That’s the biggest deal ever by Microsoft, and this is an organization that has done 196 deals in its lifetime – including lots of disastrous ones such as buying Nokia in 2007 for $7.2 billion. One thing that I like to look at when I hear about a big acquisition is the market’s reaction. My experience is that the market’s reaction gives you a heads-up if the acquisition is going to be a good one. In this case, Microsoft stock has jumped 13% since the announcement. That’s one check in Microsoft and Nadella’s favor. If you’re a recruiter today, the first thing you do is check a person’s LinkedIn profile. Same when you do business with a person for the first time. Not only that, LinkedIn has the information on how you connect to your network and how they connect to you. And for me, this is the real reason Microsoft bought LinkedIn. LinkedIn possesses an incredible amount of data regarding professional networks that it has been collecting since it began in 2002. That data can be used to generate incredibly valuable information, which can be incredibly useful to businesses. It can help pinpoint business trends, buying habits and potential buyers of products. Nadella is remaking Microsoft for the post-PC era of computing, and the key to it is data and information. The more data you have, the better information you’re going to get out of it through the use of algorithms and pattern searching. Nadella’s buy of LinkedIn marked the moment it became 100% clear that Microsoft was on the path to its second life and accepting that the PC era is over. The New Era of Computing In the next decade, Microsoft, through LinkedIn and more acquisitions, is going to become a company that benefits from this new data/information era of computing. Some people believe that Microsoft overpaid for LinkedIn, but they are dead wrong. These are the same folks who told you that Facebook overpaid when it bought Instagram for $1 billion. Or when Facebook bought WhatsApp for $19 billion. Today, both those buys are seen as genius moves. And I believe that’ll be the same for Microsoft and LinkedIn in two to three years. This new era of data/information is the key factor in the Internet of Things mega trend that I’ve written to you about before. And Microsoft’s purchase of LinkedIn is a powerful signal of how critical it is to find a way to participate in it.
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samanthasroberts · 6 years
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5 Common Things Hollywood Does That Instantly Kills A Story
Usually, the factors that pull you out of your focus on a movie or TV show are external. Someone forgets to silence their cellphone, or your mom asks you a question about the plot, or your date from OKCupid decides that a matinee showing of Dunkirk is the perfect time to start getting handsy. That kind of thing. But sometimes it isn’t the fault of the unforgiving world around you. Sometimes movies and shows do the job themselves and awkwardly tear you from your haze, placing you in the uncomfortable territory of “Oh damn. I am watching something, and am terrifyingly aware of that.” How do movies stealthily slit the throat of their own escapism? Well, they do things like …
5
Pausing For The Cameo Of A Big Star
Despite the fact that modern TV is full of quality entertainment that would make movies break out in frustrated, jealous tears, it still operates on the archaic system of “Movies are where important things go, and TV is where you watch inconsequential drivel that serves as a placeholder for actual enjoyment.” Don’t believe me? Look at how shows treat guest stars who are mostly known from movies or other mediums. They are in awe of them. The camera lingers on them, telling you that while the regular cast is nice and all, you should now place your undivided attention on the god king who has just entered the room.
I’m always down for a good lingering camera if the context is right. Jeff Goldblum is returning for Jurassic World 2, and I will be deeply disappointed if his introduction shot stays at Beautiful Jeff Goldblum Face Level for anything less than 20 uninterrupted minutes. The same goes for when a character has seemingly died but then comes back triumphantly. When Lex Luthor showed up in the last episode of Smallville to remind viewers that Superman’s future would not lack bald megalomaniacs, the camera seems to be more thrilled about this than anyone. And it probably was, honestly. Being a living, breathing Smallville fan was not, how should I put this, a “fulfilling” experience.
But the pause that might as well double as a “Clap Now” sign reeks of desperation, and rips away any chance to view what you’re watching as smooth, organic fiction. I don’t demand absolute reality from things. There is NO ONE in the world worse than someone who can’t put their malfunction behind them for two fucking seconds and just HAS TO remind you that no, Batman couldn’t do that in real life. Those people are fun traitors. But when the camera stops to gaze at the bigger star who is encroaching on the lives of the peons who normally inhabit the show, it’s not just stopping the flow of the episode dead; it’s reminding you that Hollywood has a definite hierarchy. A being of shining light and multiple movie deals has deemed this cast of characters worth their time, and we should feel blessed on their behalf.
Even worse is that usually, these guest stars are pretty damn talented. When Steve Carell left The Office, the employees spent a few episodes trying to find a replacement for him. This led to a parade of guest stars like Will Ferrell, Will Arnett, and Jim Carrey, and you’d think that comedy powerhouses like these, when supplied with jokes on one of the best-written sitcoms of the 2000s, would provide an avalanche of humor. Homes destroyed and families torn apart from the sheer magnitude of the fucking comedy. But no, they just kind of shuffled through the show as the camera jammed itself into their pores, as if to scream “ISN’T IT COOL THAT WE GOT WILL GODDAMN ARNETT TO BE ON THE OFFICE? ROUND OF APPLAUSE FOR WILL ARNETT FOR LOWERING HIMSELF ENOUGH TO BE HERE.”
4
The Biggest Name Is Usually The Killer
Dramatic shows that have any number of “good guys” require guest stars to keep going. Unless the creators of Law & Order want every plot to be “Ice T was the killer all along, but we forgave him, because aww, just look at him,” they need new talent to fill out the ranks of serial killers, pedophiles, and bartenders who just might have seen someone who looks like that. But this necessity has created a painfully obvious trend: Whenever a big name shows up in a series, they’re going to be doing big-name stuff. And apparently, big-name stuff always involves ruining the surprise.
I’ve talked about Dexter in a few columns because, really, I’m still coming to terms with it. You devote eight years of your life to a show, and then it ends with the plot equivalent of a drunk pissing on your head from a third-story balcony. So you begin to think really hard about whether it was ever that good. And I’ve come to this conclusion: Yeah, it had some really great parts, but man, it had the worst “I wonder what THIS guest star will do?” poker face in the industry.
The first two seasons of Dexter tell a perfectly contained story. And then in Season 3, Jimmy Smits swaggers in with a kind of “I’d like to get a beer with that guy” charisma that only Jimmy Smits really has. But then Jimmy Smits turns into EVIL Jimmy Smits, and Dexter has to kill him. Then John Lithgow shows up in Season 4, and while he’s great, the pattern is being established. By the time Colin Hanks burst into Season 6 with a plotline so terrible that it served as a Dexter Is Not Going To Get Good Again trumpet of the cancellation apocalypse, the standard had been set: If a new dude shows up on Dexter, that dude is almost 100 percent going to end up as Dexter’s table dressing.
Obviously, if an established actor shows up on a prestige TV drama, they’re going to be given a role with some meat to it. When William Hurt or whoever inevitably shows up on the fifth season of Westworld, they’re not going to be given the role of Blowjob Robot Bartender #4. They’re going to get Maniacal Douche Who Was Super Integral To The Creation Of Westworld Who We Never Really Discussed Before. And them basically spelling out what’s going to happen in the rest of the season or episode doesn’t stop them from giving a knockout performance. It just momentarily stops us from getting lost in the show.
It’s also admitting that we’ve kind of pigeonholed what we think makes for good, guest-star-worthy roles. Someone with any kind of positive qualities? Pssssh. Demented Man Child That Makes Tiny Doll Furniture Out Of His Victim’s Toenails? You can basically smell the Emmys on that one.
3
Being Waaaaay Too Self-Aware
Having a sense of self-awareness can be helpful. It’s what prevents you from deciding that your show about six friends who live in New York City is a fresh idea, and it gives you a moment of hesitation when you think “A guy named Harry meets a girl named Sally. HOW HAS NO ONE COME UP WITH THAT?!?”
Even adding a little self-awareness to your story isn’t so bad if you do it in nice doses. The reason The Cabin In The Woods works so well is that it comments on horror film tropes, but doesn’t rely on that to be effective. Compare that to something like Scream 4, where hoping that you get the reference is all that that movie has going for it. The first two Scream films are neat little venture into the nature of horror movies and their sequels, but by the time Scream 4 rolled around, the series had looped back through its own butthole and out of its mouth again in order to prove that it was still relevant. And it wouldn’t have had to do that if it had done the basic job of a movie, instead of relying on blistering self-awareness.
Community at its best was a show with so, so much heart. The love that the writers had for the characters bleeds through, and it’s a passion project carefully disguised as a typical prime-time sitcom. And in its early seasons, the series pulled off self-awareness pretty effortlessly. And maybe it’s due to the fact that Community began to lose core cast members starting in the fifth season, and the last half of the show was plagued with a shuffling creative team, but the self-awareness which had initially set it apart from regular shows became a crutch. The emotional stakes were lost, and in their place were constant comments about the nature of TV, which is like hearing your cheeseburger explain its own ingredients while you try to eat it.
Even vague self-awareness can be jarring if it comes out of nowhere. Kingsman: The Secret Service is a fantastic movie when it’s not talking about the spy movies that it’s borderline-parodying. If that scene in which Colin Firth was taking out the church full of bigots was still going to this day, I’d be okay with it. And don’t act like there isn’t a version of “Freebird” that is three years long. I know there is.
But slapped in the middle of the movie is a conversation between Firth and Samuel L. Jackson about the nature of spy flicks, as if they’re assuming that the audiences that have not yet seen the movie are already a little “out of the know” about what it’s trying to do. Come on, movie. Give us some credit.
2
Music That Defies The Laws Of The Universe
Movie soundtracks can do two very different things. They can heighten an experience, pulling you into the film in the way that a music-less scene could never do. They get your blood pumping without you even knowing, and pretty soon you’re first-pumping by yourself in the theater and screaming that you’ll be forever young at the top of your lungs. Hey, you’re doing it too, not necessarily just me. But a soundtrack can also drop you on your head, revealing that the movie that you’re watching is just a big marketing ploy by people who have figured that since you like Iron Man AND Ed Sheeran, putting both in the same movie at the same time will result in a dump truck full of dollar bills and hookers showing up to their houses.
How does it drop you from your cradle? Well, for one, it can bend the laws of time and space, forcing you to question why anyone would make a movie this way. Take the movie Hitch, for example, wherein Will Smith teaches dudes to talk to women, and teaches YOU to be more careful about picking out which Will Smith movies you go see. He teaches Kevin James how to dance in one scene, but starts his lesson by shutting off the music that’s playing at a party in the future? Future humans were dancing to that song, Will. Don’t cut a hole in the continuum of time when a motherfucker is trying to get down.
Will then puts on the song “Yeah!”, which you might remember from it being more popular than oxygen in the mid 2000s. And then Kevin James dances to “Yeah!” both at Will’s house and at this future party. My problem doesn’t lie with the song “Yeah!” showing up at two different places at two different times, because, again, I’ve heard “Yeah!” more than I’ve heard the Pledge of Allegiance, the National Anthem, and “I love you” combined. It’s just that this scene is edited in a way that makes you realize A) Hitch is a wizard, and B) this movie is a shallow attempt at getting us to like the song “Yeah!” more.
And sometimes a movie will feature a song that’s performed by an actor in that movie. Like how Texas Chainsaw 3D plays the song “2 Reasons,” and one of the characters listening to it and enjoying it is Trey Songz, the guy who sang “2 Reasons.” That’s not a slight wink and a nudge, filmmakers. That’s a big invisible hand coming out of the screen to jar you out of whatever good things you might be feeling and reminding you to go download “2 Reasons,” because the actor who fucking made “2 Reasons” in real life seems to really be enjoying “2 Reasons” in this completely fake life. If you want to give the audience a cue to simultaneously begin ignoring the movie and start playing around on their phones for a little bit, this one is as good as any.
1
“Event” Episodes Where No One Is Happy To Be There
Earlier, I mentioned guest actors, and spoke pretty harshly of them. My apologies, guest actors. To make it up to you, the rest of this column will be written by John Stamos, and he will be playing the role of me. I make these amends because guest actors aren’t the worst things to take you out of TV shows. That honor goes to “event” episodes in which non-actors are given roles, and we’re supposed to be cool with it. “Suck it up,” your television says, “If it wasn’t for me, you’d be playing charades with people you pretend to like.”
The “events” I’m referring to are usually one of two things: musicians coming into town or pro wrestling events. And they’re so awkwardly crammed into the plots that you can’t help but feel your joy be driven from your body like a screeching ghost while you watch. Nothing says “No one wants to be here, especially the people on your screen” like a sitcom episode that features a rock star or a professional wrestler. For example, watch this clip of the time the band Anthrax showed up on Married With Children. But only do it if you want to see a dozen people lose their enthusiasm for the arts allllll at once.
If you watched that and found your sense of happiness to still be alive and breathing, watch Stevie Wonder’s appearance on The Cosby Show, the kind of thing that only happens when the Devil is handling God’s day shift. And if you still have any delusions about the positive power of fiction, dash them by staring into the abyss of any pro wrestler cameo on any sitcom ever — cameos that are usually announced by characters who are suddenly into wrasslin’. This, as a wrasslin’ fan, is absurd from the ground up. You don’t just suddenly declare that there’s a wrestling show near you and that you’re into wrestling. You are into wrestling, and your family and friends spend their whole lives wishing that you’d shut the fuck up about it.
These episodes usually involve either a member of the cast and their stunt doubles clumsily recreating what a sitcom director thinks wrestling is like (like in Fuller House or The X-Files), or finding a way to work the fact that most wrestlers are seven feet wide into the plot (like in Boy Meets World or Smallville). Admittedly, the wrestlers usually seem like they’re having a better time on the shows than musicians do. But nothing clips the wings of your flight into TV wonderland faster than the harsh introduction of pro wrestling logic into an otherwise normal show. “These five friends are on a mission to find success and love in the big city, and over the years, you will fall in love with their wit and their willingness to find pleasure in the small things in life. Oh, and meet their new landlord, Big Van Vader, who is roughly the size of a Woolly Mammoth.”
Daniel is listening to “Yeah!”, as it’s the only thing that drowns out the loneliness. He is a brittle husk of a man on Twitter.
It sucks that your friends are always ruining movies for you, but you won’t need friends anymore after you get the Amazon Fire stick with Alexa voice remote.
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Source: http://allofbeer.com/5-common-things-hollywood-does-that-instantly-kills-a-story/
from All of Beer https://allofbeer.wordpress.com/2019/01/08/5-common-things-hollywood-does-that-instantly-kills-a-story/
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adambstingus · 6 years
Text
5 Common Things Hollywood Does That Instantly Kills A Story
Usually, the factors that pull you out of your focus on a movie or TV show are external. Someone forgets to silence their cellphone, or your mom asks you a question about the plot, or your date from OKCupid decides that a matinee showing of Dunkirk is the perfect time to start getting handsy. That kind of thing. But sometimes it isn’t the fault of the unforgiving world around you. Sometimes movies and shows do the job themselves and awkwardly tear you from your haze, placing you in the uncomfortable territory of “Oh damn. I am watching something, and am terrifyingly aware of that.” How do movies stealthily slit the throat of their own escapism? Well, they do things like …
5
Pausing For The Cameo Of A Big Star
Despite the fact that modern TV is full of quality entertainment that would make movies break out in frustrated, jealous tears, it still operates on the archaic system of “Movies are where important things go, and TV is where you watch inconsequential drivel that serves as a placeholder for actual enjoyment.” Don’t believe me? Look at how shows treat guest stars who are mostly known from movies or other mediums. They are in awe of them. The camera lingers on them, telling you that while the regular cast is nice and all, you should now place your undivided attention on the god king who has just entered the room.
I’m always down for a good lingering camera if the context is right. Jeff Goldblum is returning for Jurassic World 2, and I will be deeply disappointed if his introduction shot stays at Beautiful Jeff Goldblum Face Level for anything less than 20 uninterrupted minutes. The same goes for when a character has seemingly died but then comes back triumphantly. When Lex Luthor showed up in the last episode of Smallville to remind viewers that Superman’s future would not lack bald megalomaniacs, the camera seems to be more thrilled about this than anyone. And it probably was, honestly. Being a living, breathing Smallville fan was not, how should I put this, a “fulfilling” experience.
But the pause that might as well double as a “Clap Now” sign reeks of desperation, and rips away any chance to view what you’re watching as smooth, organic fiction. I don’t demand absolute reality from things. There is NO ONE in the world worse than someone who can’t put their malfunction behind them for two fucking seconds and just HAS TO remind you that no, Batman couldn’t do that in real life. Those people are fun traitors. But when the camera stops to gaze at the bigger star who is encroaching on the lives of the peons who normally inhabit the show, it’s not just stopping the flow of the episode dead; it’s reminding you that Hollywood has a definite hierarchy. A being of shining light and multiple movie deals has deemed this cast of characters worth their time, and we should feel blessed on their behalf.
Even worse is that usually, these guest stars are pretty damn talented. When Steve Carell left The Office, the employees spent a few episodes trying to find a replacement for him. This led to a parade of guest stars like Will Ferrell, Will Arnett, and Jim Carrey, and you’d think that comedy powerhouses like these, when supplied with jokes on one of the best-written sitcoms of the 2000s, would provide an avalanche of humor. Homes destroyed and families torn apart from the sheer magnitude of the fucking comedy. But no, they just kind of shuffled through the show as the camera jammed itself into their pores, as if to scream “ISN’T IT COOL THAT WE GOT WILL GODDAMN ARNETT TO BE ON THE OFFICE? ROUND OF APPLAUSE FOR WILL ARNETT FOR LOWERING HIMSELF ENOUGH TO BE HERE.”
4
The Biggest Name Is Usually The Killer
Dramatic shows that have any number of “good guys” require guest stars to keep going. Unless the creators of Law & Order want every plot to be “Ice T was the killer all along, but we forgave him, because aww, just look at him,” they need new talent to fill out the ranks of serial killers, pedophiles, and bartenders who just might have seen someone who looks like that. But this necessity has created a painfully obvious trend: Whenever a big name shows up in a series, they’re going to be doing big-name stuff. And apparently, big-name stuff always involves ruining the surprise.
I’ve talked about Dexter in a few columns because, really, I’m still coming to terms with it. You devote eight years of your life to a show, and then it ends with the plot equivalent of a drunk pissing on your head from a third-story balcony. So you begin to think really hard about whether it was ever that good. And I’ve come to this conclusion: Yeah, it had some really great parts, but man, it had the worst “I wonder what THIS guest star will do?” poker face in the industry.
The first two seasons of Dexter tell a perfectly contained story. And then in Season 3, Jimmy Smits swaggers in with a kind of “I’d like to get a beer with that guy” charisma that only Jimmy Smits really has. But then Jimmy Smits turns into EVIL Jimmy Smits, and Dexter has to kill him. Then John Lithgow shows up in Season 4, and while he’s great, the pattern is being established. By the time Colin Hanks burst into Season 6 with a plotline so terrible that it served as a Dexter Is Not Going To Get Good Again trumpet of the cancellation apocalypse, the standard had been set: If a new dude shows up on Dexter, that dude is almost 100 percent going to end up as Dexter’s table dressing.
Obviously, if an established actor shows up on a prestige TV drama, they’re going to be given a role with some meat to it. When William Hurt or whoever inevitably shows up on the fifth season of Westworld, they’re not going to be given the role of Blowjob Robot Bartender #4. They’re going to get Maniacal Douche Who Was Super Integral To The Creation Of Westworld Who We Never Really Discussed Before. And them basically spelling out what’s going to happen in the rest of the season or episode doesn’t stop them from giving a knockout performance. It just momentarily stops us from getting lost in the show.
It’s also admitting that we’ve kind of pigeonholed what we think makes for good, guest-star-worthy roles. Someone with any kind of positive qualities? Pssssh. Demented Man Child That Makes Tiny Doll Furniture Out Of His Victim’s Toenails? You can basically smell the Emmys on that one.
3
Being Waaaaay Too Self-Aware
Having a sense of self-awareness can be helpful. It’s what prevents you from deciding that your show about six friends who live in New York City is a fresh idea, and it gives you a moment of hesitation when you think “A guy named Harry meets a girl named Sally. HOW HAS NO ONE COME UP WITH THAT?!?”
Even adding a little self-awareness to your story isn’t so bad if you do it in nice doses. The reason The Cabin In The Woods works so well is that it comments on horror film tropes, but doesn’t rely on that to be effective. Compare that to something like Scream 4, where hoping that you get the reference is all that that movie has going for it. The first two Scream films are neat little venture into the nature of horror movies and their sequels, but by the time Scream 4 rolled around, the series had looped back through its own butthole and out of its mouth again in order to prove that it was still relevant. And it wouldn’t have had to do that if it had done the basic job of a movie, instead of relying on blistering self-awareness.
Community at its best was a show with so, so much heart. The love that the writers had for the characters bleeds through, and it’s a passion project carefully disguised as a typical prime-time sitcom. And in its early seasons, the series pulled off self-awareness pretty effortlessly. And maybe it’s due to the fact that Community began to lose core cast members starting in the fifth season, and the last half of the show was plagued with a shuffling creative team, but the self-awareness which had initially set it apart from regular shows became a crutch. The emotional stakes were lost, and in their place were constant comments about the nature of TV, which is like hearing your cheeseburger explain its own ingredients while you try to eat it.
Even vague self-awareness can be jarring if it comes out of nowhere. Kingsman: The Secret Service is a fantastic movie when it’s not talking about the spy movies that it’s borderline-parodying. If that scene in which Colin Firth was taking out the church full of bigots was still going to this day, I’d be okay with it. And don’t act like there isn’t a version of “Freebird” that is three years long. I know there is.
But slapped in the middle of the movie is a conversation between Firth and Samuel L. Jackson about the nature of spy flicks, as if they’re assuming that the audiences that have not yet seen the movie are already a little “out of the know” about what it’s trying to do. Come on, movie. Give us some credit.
2
Music That Defies The Laws Of The Universe
Movie soundtracks can do two very different things. They can heighten an experience, pulling you into the film in the way that a music-less scene could never do. They get your blood pumping without you even knowing, and pretty soon you’re first-pumping by yourself in the theater and screaming that you’ll be forever young at the top of your lungs. Hey, you’re doing it too, not necessarily just me. But a soundtrack can also drop you on your head, revealing that the movie that you’re watching is just a big marketing ploy by people who have figured that since you like Iron Man AND Ed Sheeran, putting both in the same movie at the same time will result in a dump truck full of dollar bills and hookers showing up to their houses.
How does it drop you from your cradle? Well, for one, it can bend the laws of time and space, forcing you to question why anyone would make a movie this way. Take the movie Hitch, for example, wherein Will Smith teaches dudes to talk to women, and teaches YOU to be more careful about picking out which Will Smith movies you go see. He teaches Kevin James how to dance in one scene, but starts his lesson by shutting off the music that’s playing at a party in the future? Future humans were dancing to that song, Will. Don’t cut a hole in the continuum of time when a motherfucker is trying to get down.
Will then puts on the song “Yeah!”, which you might remember from it being more popular than oxygen in the mid 2000s. And then Kevin James dances to “Yeah!” both at Will’s house and at this future party. My problem doesn’t lie with the song “Yeah!” showing up at two different places at two different times, because, again, I’ve heard “Yeah!” more than I’ve heard the Pledge of Allegiance, the National Anthem, and “I love you” combined. It’s just that this scene is edited in a way that makes you realize A) Hitch is a wizard, and B) this movie is a shallow attempt at getting us to like the song “Yeah!” more.
And sometimes a movie will feature a song that’s performed by an actor in that movie. Like how Texas Chainsaw 3D plays the song “2 Reasons,” and one of the characters listening to it and enjoying it is Trey Songz, the guy who sang “2 Reasons.” That’s not a slight wink and a nudge, filmmakers. That’s a big invisible hand coming out of the screen to jar you out of whatever good things you might be feeling and reminding you to go download “2 Reasons,” because the actor who fucking made “2 Reasons” in real life seems to really be enjoying “2 Reasons” in this completely fake life. If you want to give the audience a cue to simultaneously begin ignoring the movie and start playing around on their phones for a little bit, this one is as good as any.
1
“Event” Episodes Where No One Is Happy To Be There
Earlier, I mentioned guest actors, and spoke pretty harshly of them. My apologies, guest actors. To make it up to you, the rest of this column will be written by John Stamos, and he will be playing the role of me. I make these amends because guest actors aren’t the worst things to take you out of TV shows. That honor goes to “event” episodes in which non-actors are given roles, and we’re supposed to be cool with it. “Suck it up,” your television says, “If it wasn’t for me, you’d be playing charades with people you pretend to like.”
The “events” I’m referring to are usually one of two things: musicians coming into town or pro wrestling events. And they’re so awkwardly crammed into the plots that you can’t help but feel your joy be driven from your body like a screeching ghost while you watch. Nothing says “No one wants to be here, especially the people on your screen” like a sitcom episode that features a rock star or a professional wrestler. For example, watch this clip of the time the band Anthrax showed up on Married With Children. But only do it if you want to see a dozen people lose their enthusiasm for the arts allllll at once.
If you watched that and found your sense of happiness to still be alive and breathing, watch Stevie Wonder’s appearance on The Cosby Show, the kind of thing that only happens when the Devil is handling God’s day shift. And if you still have any delusions about the positive power of fiction, dash them by staring into the abyss of any pro wrestler cameo on any sitcom ever — cameos that are usually announced by characters who are suddenly into wrasslin’. This, as a wrasslin’ fan, is absurd from the ground up. You don’t just suddenly declare that there’s a wrestling show near you and that you’re into wrestling. You are into wrestling, and your family and friends spend their whole lives wishing that you’d shut the fuck up about it.
These episodes usually involve either a member of the cast and their stunt doubles clumsily recreating what a sitcom director thinks wrestling is like (like in Fuller House or The X-Files), or finding a way to work the fact that most wrestlers are seven feet wide into the plot (like in Boy Meets World or Smallville). Admittedly, the wrestlers usually seem like they’re having a better time on the shows than musicians do. But nothing clips the wings of your flight into TV wonderland faster than the harsh introduction of pro wrestling logic into an otherwise normal show. “These five friends are on a mission to find success and love in the big city, and over the years, you will fall in love with their wit and their willingness to find pleasure in the small things in life. Oh, and meet their new landlord, Big Van Vader, who is roughly the size of a Woolly Mammoth.”
Daniel is listening to “Yeah!”, as it’s the only thing that drowns out the loneliness. He is a brittle husk of a man on Twitter.
It sucks that your friends are always ruining movies for you, but you won’t need friends anymore after you get the Amazon Fire stick with Alexa voice remote.
If you loved this article and want more content like this, support our site with a visit to our Contribution Page. Please and thank you.
from All Of Beer http://allofbeer.com/5-common-things-hollywood-does-that-instantly-kills-a-story/ from All of Beer https://allofbeercom.tumblr.com/post/181849531207
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allofbeercom · 6 years
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5 Common Things Hollywood Does That Instantly Kills A Story
Usually, the factors that pull you out of your focus on a movie or TV show are external. Someone forgets to silence their cellphone, or your mom asks you a question about the plot, or your date from OKCupid decides that a matinee showing of Dunkirk is the perfect time to start getting handsy. That kind of thing. But sometimes it isn’t the fault of the unforgiving world around you. Sometimes movies and shows do the job themselves and awkwardly tear you from your haze, placing you in the uncomfortable territory of “Oh damn. I am watching something, and am terrifyingly aware of that.” How do movies stealthily slit the throat of their own escapism? Well, they do things like …
5
Pausing For The Cameo Of A Big Star
Despite the fact that modern TV is full of quality entertainment that would make movies break out in frustrated, jealous tears, it still operates on the archaic system of “Movies are where important things go, and TV is where you watch inconsequential drivel that serves as a placeholder for actual enjoyment.” Don’t believe me? Look at how shows treat guest stars who are mostly known from movies or other mediums. They are in awe of them. The camera lingers on them, telling you that while the regular cast is nice and all, you should now place your undivided attention on the god king who has just entered the room.
I’m always down for a good lingering camera if the context is right. Jeff Goldblum is returning for Jurassic World 2, and I will be deeply disappointed if his introduction shot stays at Beautiful Jeff Goldblum Face Level for anything less than 20 uninterrupted minutes. The same goes for when a character has seemingly died but then comes back triumphantly. When Lex Luthor showed up in the last episode of Smallville to remind viewers that Superman’s future would not lack bald megalomaniacs, the camera seems to be more thrilled about this than anyone. And it probably was, honestly. Being a living, breathing Smallville fan was not, how should I put this, a “fulfilling” experience.
But the pause that might as well double as a “Clap Now” sign reeks of desperation, and rips away any chance to view what you’re watching as smooth, organic fiction. I don’t demand absolute reality from things. There is NO ONE in the world worse than someone who can’t put their malfunction behind them for two fucking seconds and just HAS TO remind you that no, Batman couldn’t do that in real life. Those people are fun traitors. But when the camera stops to gaze at the bigger star who is encroaching on the lives of the peons who normally inhabit the show, it’s not just stopping the flow of the episode dead; it’s reminding you that Hollywood has a definite hierarchy. A being of shining light and multiple movie deals has deemed this cast of characters worth their time, and we should feel blessed on their behalf.
Even worse is that usually, these guest stars are pretty damn talented. When Steve Carell left The Office, the employees spent a few episodes trying to find a replacement for him. This led to a parade of guest stars like Will Ferrell, Will Arnett, and Jim Carrey, and you’d think that comedy powerhouses like these, when supplied with jokes on one of the best-written sitcoms of the 2000s, would provide an avalanche of humor. Homes destroyed and families torn apart from the sheer magnitude of the fucking comedy. But no, they just kind of shuffled through the show as the camera jammed itself into their pores, as if to scream “ISN’T IT COOL THAT WE GOT WILL GODDAMN ARNETT TO BE ON THE OFFICE? ROUND OF APPLAUSE FOR WILL ARNETT FOR LOWERING HIMSELF ENOUGH TO BE HERE.”
4
The Biggest Name Is Usually The Killer
Dramatic shows that have any number of “good guys” require guest stars to keep going. Unless the creators of Law & Order want every plot to be “Ice T was the killer all along, but we forgave him, because aww, just look at him,” they need new talent to fill out the ranks of serial killers, pedophiles, and bartenders who just might have seen someone who looks like that. But this necessity has created a painfully obvious trend: Whenever a big name shows up in a series, they’re going to be doing big-name stuff. And apparently, big-name stuff always involves ruining the surprise.
I’ve talked about Dexter in a few columns because, really, I’m still coming to terms with it. You devote eight years of your life to a show, and then it ends with the plot equivalent of a drunk pissing on your head from a third-story balcony. So you begin to think really hard about whether it was ever that good. And I’ve come to this conclusion: Yeah, it had some really great parts, but man, it had the worst “I wonder what THIS guest star will do?” poker face in the industry.
The first two seasons of Dexter tell a perfectly contained story. And then in Season 3, Jimmy Smits swaggers in with a kind of “I’d like to get a beer with that guy” charisma that only Jimmy Smits really has. But then Jimmy Smits turns into EVIL Jimmy Smits, and Dexter has to kill him. Then John Lithgow shows up in Season 4, and while he’s great, the pattern is being established. By the time Colin Hanks burst into Season 6 with a plotline so terrible that it served as a Dexter Is Not Going To Get Good Again trumpet of the cancellation apocalypse, the standard had been set: If a new dude shows up on Dexter, that dude is almost 100 percent going to end up as Dexter’s table dressing.
Obviously, if an established actor shows up on a prestige TV drama, they’re going to be given a role with some meat to it. When William Hurt or whoever inevitably shows up on the fifth season of Westworld, they’re not going to be given the role of Blowjob Robot Bartender #4. They’re going to get Maniacal Douche Who Was Super Integral To The Creation Of Westworld Who We Never Really Discussed Before. And them basically spelling out what’s going to happen in the rest of the season or episode doesn’t stop them from giving a knockout performance. It just momentarily stops us from getting lost in the show.
It’s also admitting that we’ve kind of pigeonholed what we think makes for good, guest-star-worthy roles. Someone with any kind of positive qualities? Pssssh. Demented Man Child That Makes Tiny Doll Furniture Out Of His Victim’s Toenails? You can basically smell the Emmys on that one.
3
Being Waaaaay Too Self-Aware
Having a sense of self-awareness can be helpful. It’s what prevents you from deciding that your show about six friends who live in New York City is a fresh idea, and it gives you a moment of hesitation when you think “A guy named Harry meets a girl named Sally. HOW HAS NO ONE COME UP WITH THAT?!?”
Even adding a little self-awareness to your story isn’t so bad if you do it in nice doses. The reason The Cabin In The Woods works so well is that it comments on horror film tropes, but doesn’t rely on that to be effective. Compare that to something like Scream 4, where hoping that you get the reference is all that that movie has going for it. The first two Scream films are neat little venture into the nature of horror movies and their sequels, but by the time Scream 4 rolled around, the series had looped back through its own butthole and out of its mouth again in order to prove that it was still relevant. And it wouldn’t have had to do that if it had done the basic job of a movie, instead of relying on blistering self-awareness.
Community at its best was a show with so, so much heart. The love that the writers had for the characters bleeds through, and it’s a passion project carefully disguised as a typical prime-time sitcom. And in its early seasons, the series pulled off self-awareness pretty effortlessly. And maybe it’s due to the fact that Community began to lose core cast members starting in the fifth season, and the last half of the show was plagued with a shuffling creative team, but the self-awareness which had initially set it apart from regular shows became a crutch. The emotional stakes were lost, and in their place were constant comments about the nature of TV, which is like hearing your cheeseburger explain its own ingredients while you try to eat it.
Even vague self-awareness can be jarring if it comes out of nowhere. Kingsman: The Secret Service is a fantastic movie when it’s not talking about the spy movies that it’s borderline-parodying. If that scene in which Colin Firth was taking out the church full of bigots was still going to this day, I’d be okay with it. And don’t act like there isn’t a version of “Freebird” that is three years long. I know there is.
But slapped in the middle of the movie is a conversation between Firth and Samuel L. Jackson about the nature of spy flicks, as if they’re assuming that the audiences that have not yet seen the movie are already a little “out of the know” about what it’s trying to do. Come on, movie. Give us some credit.
2
Music That Defies The Laws Of The Universe
Movie soundtracks can do two very different things. They can heighten an experience, pulling you into the film in the way that a music-less scene could never do. They get your blood pumping without you even knowing, and pretty soon you’re first-pumping by yourself in the theater and screaming that you’ll be forever young at the top of your lungs. Hey, you’re doing it too, not necessarily just me. But a soundtrack can also drop you on your head, revealing that the movie that you’re watching is just a big marketing ploy by people who have figured that since you like Iron Man AND Ed Sheeran, putting both in the same movie at the same time will result in a dump truck full of dollar bills and hookers showing up to their houses.
How does it drop you from your cradle? Well, for one, it can bend the laws of time and space, forcing you to question why anyone would make a movie this way. Take the movie Hitch, for example, wherein Will Smith teaches dudes to talk to women, and teaches YOU to be more careful about picking out which Will Smith movies you go see. He teaches Kevin James how to dance in one scene, but starts his lesson by shutting off the music that’s playing at a party in the future? Future humans were dancing to that song, Will. Don’t cut a hole in the continuum of time when a motherfucker is trying to get down.
Will then puts on the song “Yeah!”, which you might remember from it being more popular than oxygen in the mid 2000s. And then Kevin James dances to “Yeah!” both at Will’s house and at this future party. My problem doesn’t lie with the song “Yeah!” showing up at two different places at two different times, because, again, I’ve heard “Yeah!” more than I’ve heard the Pledge of Allegiance, the National Anthem, and “I love you” combined. It’s just that this scene is edited in a way that makes you realize A) Hitch is a wizard, and B) this movie is a shallow attempt at getting us to like the song “Yeah!” more.
And sometimes a movie will feature a song that’s performed by an actor in that movie. Like how Texas Chainsaw 3D plays the song “2 Reasons,” and one of the characters listening to it and enjoying it is Trey Songz, the guy who sang “2 Reasons.” That’s not a slight wink and a nudge, filmmakers. That’s a big invisible hand coming out of the screen to jar you out of whatever good things you might be feeling and reminding you to go download “2 Reasons,” because the actor who fucking made “2 Reasons” in real life seems to really be enjoying “2 Reasons” in this completely fake life. If you want to give the audience a cue to simultaneously begin ignoring the movie and start playing around on their phones for a little bit, this one is as good as any.
1
“Event” Episodes Where No One Is Happy To Be There
Earlier, I mentioned guest actors, and spoke pretty harshly of them. My apologies, guest actors. To make it up to you, the rest of this column will be written by John Stamos, and he will be playing the role of me. I make these amends because guest actors aren’t the worst things to take you out of TV shows. That honor goes to “event” episodes in which non-actors are given roles, and we’re supposed to be cool with it. “Suck it up,” your television says, “If it wasn’t for me, you’d be playing charades with people you pretend to like.”
The “events” I’m referring to are usually one of two things: musicians coming into town or pro wrestling events. And they’re so awkwardly crammed into the plots that you can’t help but feel your joy be driven from your body like a screeching ghost while you watch. Nothing says “No one wants to be here, especially the people on your screen” like a sitcom episode that features a rock star or a professional wrestler. For example, watch this clip of the time the band Anthrax showed up on Married With Children. But only do it if you want to see a dozen people lose their enthusiasm for the arts allllll at once.
If you watched that and found your sense of happiness to still be alive and breathing, watch Stevie Wonder’s appearance on The Cosby Show, the kind of thing that only happens when the Devil is handling God’s day shift. And if you still have any delusions about the positive power of fiction, dash them by staring into the abyss of any pro wrestler cameo on any sitcom ever — cameos that are usually announced by characters who are suddenly into wrasslin’. This, as a wrasslin’ fan, is absurd from the ground up. You don’t just suddenly declare that there’s a wrestling show near you and that you’re into wrestling. You are into wrestling, and your family and friends spend their whole lives wishing that you’d shut the fuck up about it.
These episodes usually involve either a member of the cast and their stunt doubles clumsily recreating what a sitcom director thinks wrestling is like (like in Fuller House or The X-Files), or finding a way to work the fact that most wrestlers are seven feet wide into the plot (like in Boy Meets World or Smallville). Admittedly, the wrestlers usually seem like they’re having a better time on the shows than musicians do. But nothing clips the wings of your flight into TV wonderland faster than the harsh introduction of pro wrestling logic into an otherwise normal show. “These five friends are on a mission to find success and love in the big city, and over the years, you will fall in love with their wit and their willingness to find pleasure in the small things in life. Oh, and meet their new landlord, Big Van Vader, who is roughly the size of a Woolly Mammoth.”
Daniel is listening to “Yeah!”, as it’s the only thing that drowns out the loneliness. He is a brittle husk of a man on Twitter.
It sucks that your friends are always ruining movies for you, but you won’t need friends anymore after you get the Amazon Fire stick with Alexa voice remote.
If you loved this article and want more content like this, support our site with a visit to our Contribution Page. Please and thank you.
from All Of Beer http://allofbeer.com/5-common-things-hollywood-does-that-instantly-kills-a-story/
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josidel · 7 years
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Lessons you can learn from the world’s most successful people
The one question young people often ask is what can they learn from the world’s most successful people? And the answer is on the Internet. Every strategic move they have ever taken, every decision they have made has been recorded for all eternity. It is for you to analyze, study patterns, and find out which moves thrust them into fame and which cost them millions of dollars.
However, from every successful industry veteran, there is something different to be learned. And with the iPhone X launch, a lot of us are going through the nostalgia of the early iPhones and the phenomenon created by Steve Jobs. So, today we present to you all the lessons you can learn from the very public careers of Steve Jobs, Oprah Winfrey, Jeff Bezos, and numerous others!
1. Steve Jobs
Steve Jobs taught us that you need to have a customer-centric approach to solving problems. And nothing is more important than good aesthetics.
Steve Jobs, despite being a very controversial figure in the tech industry, is credited with being a true visionary. In 1997, when he was made the CEO of Apple, the company was on the verge of bankruptcy and Steve Jobs revived it.
At Apple, Jobs was the driving force behind the development of tech products that would have a strong influence on pop culture. Moreover, he was a problem solver and had a customer-centric approach to innovation. He was the first one to introduce a full touch screen on a smartphone. In fact, when the iPhone was created he had asked his team to work on a virtual keyboard for a tablet device. When the design team came up with a prototype, he liked it so much that they ended up developing the iPhone – a product which completely the public’s perspective on what it meant to have a mobile.
2. Jack Ma
Jack is the perfect example that you do not need to be in Silicon Valley in order to think big and be successful.
In his youth, he applied for 30 different jobs but got rejected from every single one. His application from Harvard got rejected 10 times. But that hasn’t stopped him from becoming one of the world’s biggest business magnates. In 1999, Jack launched the Alibaba Group, a body of Internet-based businesses including the e-commerce store Alibaba.com and hasn’t looked back since. Alibaba employs over 50,000 people and is currently the sixth biggest company in the world in terms of revenue.
3. Amancio Ortega
Amancio Ortega’s multi-billion dollar clothing empire teaches us to select a market segment that will always be in high demand.
You probably don’t know who Amancio Ortega is but he is the man who has dethroned Bill Gates thrice from the top spot of the richest person in the world. Even though Ortega is not at all well-known, he has quietly built a clothing empire by the name of Zara which is a subsidiary of his retailing brand Inditex.
From Ortega’s success, you can learn that it is very important to identify your customers and give them exactly what they want. The brand has been very successful and is now valued at $100 billion. Ortega collects $400 million in dividends from Inditex every year and more than 80% of his fortune comes from his shares in the company. Over the years, as the Inditex stocks have risen so has his net worth.
4. J.K. Rowling
J.K. Rowling can best teach you to never give up on your dreams if you have hit rock bottom.
She came from extreme poverty to become one of the world’s most read authors. She was working as a researcher and bilingual secretary when she conceived the idea for the Harry Potter series in 1990. In the following seven years she had to go through a lot of personal trauma, her mother died, she got divorced, raised her daughter as a single mother, all while living in poverty.
But she did not give up on her idea and even though several publishers rejected her books initially, Bloomsbury finally picked it up and pushed it into international fame. J.K. Rowling has had a true rags to riches story and is the first person to become a billionaire just by writing books. However, she has given most of her money to charity and now has a net worth of $650 million.
5. Sundar Pichai
From Pichai’s remarkable career, you can learn that you don’t always need to be in the Founder’s seat to become an impactful figure.
Sundar Pichai made waves when he was selected as the CEO of Google when Sergey Brin and Larry Page stepped down. He has a truly inspirational story. After getting his basic education from India, Pichai moved to the US for higher education and a better career. Before joining Google he worked at McKinsey & Co and after joining Google in 2004 he led the product management and innovation efforts. Before being selected as the CEO of Google, he was dedicated to his job as Product Chief at Google and used to lead the Google IO event.
6. Bill Gates
No one can teach us better than Bill Gates that the people don’t know what they want until you show them.
Everyone knows Bill Gates as the richest person in the world but he did not amass all that wealth without hardwork. During his 15 prime years of work, he would work 100 hours a week. As the co-founder of Microsoft Corporation, Gates is largely credited with changing the way people interact with computers by introducing the very user-friendly Windows Operating System. Over a billion people in the world use various versions of Windows on their PC. But this wasn’t it. As the CEO and Chief Software Architect of Microsoft, before retirement, Bill Gates as a true visionary directed the company towards the cloud computing domain. And right now their cloud platform called Microsoft Azure is being out Amazon Web Services by a huge margin.
7. Indra Nooyi
Indra Nooyi is the perfect example that you don’t need to be a man in order to be a successful CEO.
She joined PepsiCo in 1994 and was promoted to CFO status just 7 years later. Throughout her years there, she has been the force behind massive restructuring at the company. She also took the lead in the acquisition of Tropicana in 1998 and the merger with Quaker Oats Company. In 2006 she became the fifth CEO in Pepsi Co’s 44-year history and still maintains that position. Forbes named her one of the 100 most powerful women in the world in 2014 and Fortune labeled her as the 2nd most powerful woman last year.
8. Mark Zuckerberg
From Zuckerberg’s role at Facebook, you can best learn that if you can’t beat your competition, acquire it.
Mark Zuckerberg’s story of how he launched Facebook from his Harvard dorm has become a tech legend at this point. But over the years, Facebook has seen a brilliant transformation and so has Mark Zuckerberg. He has evolved from a geeky coder to an entrepreneur who makes the perfect deals. With Facebook, he has solidified his position as a CEO who acquires any business that poses a major threat. Right now it is the biggest social media platform in the world with over 2 billion monthly active users.
People don’t just use Facebook for writing on each other’s walls or putting up a status, it has become a formidable mode of communication thanks to the Messenger which has 1.2 billion active users. Back in 2014, when WhatsApp posed a major threat to Facebook, they bought it in a deal worth $19 billion. Similarly, when Instagram posed a threat to Facebook, in terms of its active user engagement and rising business accounts, Facebook bought it for $1 billion. And with the power of Instagram, Facebook has been able to push Snapchat over the edge. Right now 250 million use Instagram Stories while Snapchat has only 166 million active users.
9. Jeff Bezos
If Jeff Bezos can teach you one thing, it is that no idea is small if you strike at the right time.
Jeff Bezos started Amazon in 1994 when online retailers were unheard of. Using the Dot Com boom of the 90s, he launched the Amazon website, which initially was just a bookstore. In just one year, he was selling books in America and 45 other countries, bringing in $20,000 in sales per week. In the next ten years, Amazon had introduced CDs, clothing, and electronic items to its store. In 2004, Amazon made a revenue of $6.9 billion, which increased to $8.5 billion in 2005.
Today, Amazon has transformed into a huge online business with numerous subsidiaries. From selling books in 1994, Amazon now sells and produces its own electronics like the famed K, has its own cloud computing software called Amazon Web Services(AWS). The company raked in $135.98 billion in revenue last year and has made Jeff Bezos one of the richest men in the world.
10. Oprah Winfrey
Oprah’s public life is a major lesson that your gender and skin color does not define what you can achieve.
Oprah Winfrey started hosting a talk show at a time when all the key players on TV were men and, more interestingly, all of them were white. Before she was a business mogul, Oprah used to wear potato sacks as clothing because her family could not afford anything better. Overcoming a troubled childhood, Oprah secured a full scholarship at the University of Tennessee but left it to pursue a career in media. By the age of 20, she had already achieved a major milestone. She was the youngest woman and the first black person to become a news anchor.
She then moved on to AM Chicago and transformed it from one of the lowest-rated TV shows to the most highest-rated ones. That show would later be renamed to what we now know as ‘The Oprah Winfrey Show’ – the highest-rated TV show of its kind in history. Now 63 years old, Oprah is the wearer of many hats which include talk show host, actress, producer, media proprietor, and philanthropist.
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trendingnewsb · 7 years
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5 Common Things Hollywood Does That Instantly Kills A Story
Usually, the factors that pull you out of your focus on a movie or TV show are external. Someone forgets to silence their cellphone, or your mom asks you a question about the plot, or your date from OKCupid decides that a matinee showing of Dunkirk is the perfect time to start getting handsy. That kind of thing. But sometimes it isn’t the fault of the unforgiving world around you. Sometimes movies and shows do the job themselves and awkwardly tear you from your haze, placing you in the uncomfortable territory of “Oh damn. I am watching something, and am terrifyingly aware of that.” How do movies stealthily slit the throat of their own escapism? Well, they do things like …
5
Pausing For The Cameo Of A Big Star
Despite the fact that modern TV is full of quality entertainment that would make movies break out in frustrated, jealous tears, it still operates on the archaic system of “Movies are where important things go, and TV is where you watch inconsequential drivel that serves as a placeholder for actual enjoyment.” Don’t believe me? Look at how shows treat guest stars who are mostly known from movies or other mediums. They are in awe of them. The camera lingers on them, telling you that while the regular cast is nice and all, you should now place your undivided attention on the god king who has just entered the room.
I’m always down for a good lingering camera if the context is right. Jeff Goldblum is returning for Jurassic World 2, and I will be deeply disappointed if his introduction shot stays at Beautiful Jeff Goldblum Face Level for anything less than 20 uninterrupted minutes. The same goes for when a character has seemingly died but then comes back triumphantly. When Lex Luthor showed up in the last episode of Smallville to remind viewers that Superman’s future would not lack bald megalomaniacs, the camera seems to be more thrilled about this than anyone. And it probably was, honestly. Being a living, breathing Smallville fan was not, how should I put this, a “fulfilling” experience.
But the pause that might as well double as a “Clap Now” sign reeks of desperation, and rips away any chance to view what you’re watching as smooth, organic fiction. I don’t demand absolute reality from things. There is NO ONE in the world worse than someone who can’t put their malfunction behind them for two fucking seconds and just HAS TO remind you that no, Batman couldn’t do that in real life. Those people are fun traitors. But when the camera stops to gaze at the bigger star who is encroaching on the lives of the peons who normally inhabit the show, it’s not just stopping the flow of the episode dead; it’s reminding you that Hollywood has a definite hierarchy. A being of shining light and multiple movie deals has deemed this cast of characters worth their time, and we should feel blessed on their behalf.
Even worse is that usually, these guest stars are pretty damn talented. When Steve Carell left The Office, the employees spent a few episodes trying to find a replacement for him. This led to a parade of guest stars like Will Ferrell, Will Arnett, and Jim Carrey, and you’d think that comedy powerhouses like these, when supplied with jokes on one of the best-written sitcoms of the 2000s, would provide an avalanche of humor. Homes destroyed and families torn apart from the sheer magnitude of the fucking comedy. But no, they just kind of shuffled through the show as the camera jammed itself into their pores, as if to scream “ISN’T IT COOL THAT WE GOT WILL GODDAMN ARNETT TO BE ON THE OFFICE? ROUND OF APPLAUSE FOR WILL ARNETT FOR LOWERING HIMSELF ENOUGH TO BE HERE.”
4
The Biggest Name Is Usually The Killer
Dramatic shows that have any number of “good guys” require guest stars to keep going. Unless the creators of Law & Order want every plot to be “Ice T was the killer all along, but we forgave him, because aww, just look at him,” they need new talent to fill out the ranks of serial killers, pedophiles, and bartenders who just might have seen someone who looks like that. But this necessity has created a painfully obvious trend: Whenever a big name shows up in a series, they’re going to be doing big-name stuff. And apparently, big-name stuff always involves ruining the surprise.
I’ve talked about Dexter in a few columns because, really, I’m still coming to terms with it. You devote eight years of your life to a show, and then it ends with the plot equivalent of a drunk pissing on your head from a third-story balcony. So you begin to think really hard about whether it was ever that good. And I’ve come to this conclusion: Yeah, it had some really great parts, but man, it had the worst “I wonder what THIS guest star will do?” poker face in the industry.
The first two seasons of Dexter tell a perfectly contained story. And then in Season 3, Jimmy Smits swaggers in with a kind of “I’d like to get a beer with that guy” charisma that only Jimmy Smits really has. But then Jimmy Smits turns into EVIL Jimmy Smits, and Dexter has to kill him. Then John Lithgow shows up in Season 4, and while he’s great, the pattern is being established. By the time Colin Hanks burst into Season 6 with a plotline so terrible that it served as a Dexter Is Not Going To Get Good Again trumpet of the cancellation apocalypse, the standard had been set: If a new dude shows up on Dexter, that dude is almost 100 percent going to end up as Dexter’s table dressing.
Obviously, if an established actor shows up on a prestige TV drama, they’re going to be given a role with some meat to it. When William Hurt or whoever inevitably shows up on the fifth season of Westworld, they’re not going to be given the role of Blowjob Robot Bartender #4. They’re going to get Maniacal Douche Who Was Super Integral To The Creation Of Westworld Who We Never Really Discussed Before. And them basically spelling out what’s going to happen in the rest of the season or episode doesn’t stop them from giving a knockout performance. It just momentarily stops us from getting lost in the show.
It’s also admitting that we’ve kind of pigeonholed what we think makes for good, guest-star-worthy roles. Someone with any kind of positive qualities? Pssssh. Demented Man Child That Makes Tiny Doll Furniture Out Of His Victim’s Toenails? You can basically smell the Emmys on that one.
3
Being Waaaaay Too Self-Aware
Having a sense of self-awareness can be helpful. It’s what prevents you from deciding that your show about six friends who live in New York City is a fresh idea, and it gives you a moment of hesitation when you think “A guy named Harry meets a girl named Sally. HOW HAS NO ONE COME UP WITH THAT?!?”
Even adding a little self-awareness to your story isn’t so bad if you do it in nice doses. The reason The Cabin In The Woods works so well is that it comments on horror film tropes, but doesn’t rely on that to be effective. Compare that to something like Scream 4, where hoping that you get the reference is all that that movie has going for it. The first two Scream films are neat little venture into the nature of horror movies and their sequels, but by the time Scream 4 rolled around, the series had looped back through its own butthole and out of its mouth again in order to prove that it was still relevant. And it wouldn’t have had to do that if it had done the basic job of a movie, instead of relying on blistering self-awareness.
Community at its best was a show with so, so much heart. The love that the writers had for the characters bleeds through, and it’s a passion project carefully disguised as a typical prime-time sitcom. And in its early seasons, the series pulled off self-awareness pretty effortlessly. And maybe it’s due to the fact that Community began to lose core cast members starting in the fifth season, and the last half of the show was plagued with a shuffling creative team, but the self-awareness which had initially set it apart from regular shows became a crutch. The emotional stakes were lost, and in their place were constant comments about the nature of TV, which is like hearing your cheeseburger explain its own ingredients while you try to eat it.
Even vague self-awareness can be jarring if it comes out of nowhere. Kingsman: The Secret Service is a fantastic movie when it’s not talking about the spy movies that it’s borderline-parodying. If that scene in which Colin Firth was taking out the church full of bigots was still going to this day, I’d be okay with it. And don’t act like there isn’t a version of “Freebird” that is three years long. I know there is.
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But slapped in the middle of the movie is a conversation between Firth and Samuel L. Jackson about the nature of spy flicks, as if they’re assuming that the audiences that have not yet seen the movie are already a little “out of the know” about what it’s trying to do. Come on, movie. Give us some credit.
2
Music That Defies The Laws Of The Universe
Movie soundtracks can do two very different things. They can heighten an experience, pulling you into the film in the way that a music-less scene could never do. They get your blood pumping without you even knowing, and pretty soon you’re first-pumping by yourself in the theater and screaming that you’ll be forever young at the top of your lungs. Hey, you’re doing it too, not necessarily just me. But a soundtrack can also drop you on your head, revealing that the movie that you’re watching is just a big marketing ploy by people who have figured that since you like Iron Man AND Ed Sheeran, putting both in the same movie at the same time will result in a dump truck full of dollar bills and hookers showing up to their houses.
How does it drop you from your cradle? Well, for one, it can bend the laws of time and space, forcing you to question why anyone would make a movie this way. Take the movie Hitch, for example, wherein Will Smith teaches dudes to talk to women, and teaches YOU to be more careful about picking out which Will Smith movies you go see. He teaches Kevin James how to dance in one scene, but starts his lesson by shutting off the music that’s playing at a party in the future? Future humans were dancing to that song, Will. Don’t cut a hole in the continuum of time when a motherfucker is trying to get down.
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Will then puts on the song “Yeah!”, which you might remember from it being more popular than oxygen in the mid 2000s. And then Kevin James dances to “Yeah!” both at Will’s house and at this future party. My problem doesn’t lie with the song “Yeah!” showing up at two different places at two different times, because, again, I’ve heard “Yeah!” more than I’ve heard the Pledge of Allegiance, the National Anthem, and “I love you” combined. It’s just that this scene is edited in a way that makes you realize A) Hitch is a wizard, and B) this movie is a shallow attempt at getting us to like the song “Yeah!” more.
And sometimes a movie will feature a song that’s performed by an actor in that movie. Like how Texas Chainsaw 3D plays the song “2 Reasons,” and one of the characters listening to it and enjoying it is Trey Songz, the guy who sang “2 Reasons.” That’s not a slight wink and a nudge, filmmakers. That’s a big invisible hand coming out of the screen to jar you out of whatever good things you might be feeling and reminding you to go download “2 Reasons,” because the actor who fucking made “2 Reasons” in real life seems to really be enjoying “2 Reasons” in this completely fake life. If you want to give the audience a cue to simultaneously begin ignoring the movie and start playing around on their phones for a little bit, this one is as good as any.
1
“Event” Episodes Where No One Is Happy To Be There
Earlier, I mentioned guest actors, and spoke pretty harshly of them. My apologies, guest actors. To make it up to you, the rest of this column will be written by John Stamos, and he will be playing the role of me. I make these amends because guest actors aren’t the worst things to take you out of TV shows. That honor goes to “event” episodes in which non-actors are given roles, and we’re supposed to be cool with it. “Suck it up,” your television says, “If it wasn’t for me, you’d be playing charades with people you pretend to like.”
The “events” I’m referring to are usually one of two things: musicians coming into town or pro wrestling events. And they’re so awkwardly crammed into the plots that you can’t help but feel your joy be driven from your body like a screeching ghost while you watch. Nothing says “No one wants to be here, especially the people on your screen” like a sitcom episode that features a rock star or a professional wrestler. For example, watch this clip of the time the band Anthrax showed up on Married With Children. But only do it if you want to see a dozen people lose their enthusiasm for the arts allllll at once.
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If you watched that and found your sense of happiness to still be alive and breathing, watch Stevie Wonder’s appearance on The Cosby Show, the kind of thing that only happens when the Devil is handling God’s day shift. And if you still have any delusions about the positive power of fiction, dash them by staring into the abyss of any pro wrestler cameo on any sitcom ever — cameos that are usually announced by characters who are suddenly into wrasslin’. This, as a wrasslin’ fan, is absurd from the ground up. You don’t just suddenly declare that there’s a wrestling show near you and that you’re into wrestling. You are into wrestling, and your family and friends spend their whole lives wishing that you’d shut the fuck up about it.
These episodes usually involve either a member of the cast and their stunt doubles clumsily recreating what a sitcom director thinks wrestling is like (like in Fuller House or The X-Files), or finding a way to work the fact that most wrestlers are seven feet wide into the plot (like in Boy Meets World or Smallville). Admittedly, the wrestlers usually seem like they’re having a better time on the shows than musicians do. But nothing clips the wings of your flight into TV wonderland faster than the harsh introduction of pro wrestling logic into an otherwise normal show. “These five friends are on a mission to find success and love in the big city, and over the years, you will fall in love with their wit and their willingness to find pleasure in the small things in life. Oh, and meet their new landlord, Big Van Vader, who is roughly the size of a Woolly Mammoth.”
Daniel is listening to “Yeah!”, as it’s the only thing that drowns out the loneliness. He is a brittle husk of a man on Twitter.
It sucks that your friends are always ruining movies for you, but you won’t need friends anymore after you get the Amazon Fire stick with Alexa voice remote.
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newagesispage · 8 years
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                                                                          MARCH 2017
 PAGE RIB
*****Beyonce and Amal are both pregnant with twins.
*****The Trump international hotel and tower opened in Vancouver B.C. with Tiffany and the sons amidst hundreds of protesters and a boycott from the mayor.
*****So, did anybody see Seth Mcfarlane in Real time with Bill Maher? He seemed to just sit and pout. He sat there sying nothing and suddenly blurted out “I’ve got water.” It seems that perhaps an earlier guest got his Jack D. and he got water. It just seemed to me that he wasn’t going to add much to the conversation if he did not have his drink. Such a diva!
*****Kevin Smith and comic book men are back and looking good!!
*****TLC is back with the fabulous ‘Who do you think you are?’ The season begins with Courtney Cox and her relatives who killed the King of England.
*****Leann Rimes seems to have added a few pounds and looking healthy and well too!!
*****Have John Stewart and Ricky Gervais lost it?
*****The number 1 item requested in homeless shelters is socks. Bombas (latin word for bees) socks is giving away 60 thousand pairs in one day.
*****American rehab: Detroit on DIY told a great story of a couple bringing an old house which had been part of the family back to life for a new era.
*****Nick Cannon is out at America’s got talent.
*****Louie Anderson is just knocking it out of the park on Baskets.
*****David Cassidy went public with dementia diagnosis.
*****Who knew that Hillary Farr, the’ love it or list it ‘chick was Betty Monroe on The Rocky Horror Picture Show.
*****Roger Waters is heading out on the Us and Them tour and will the poke the snake called Trump.
*****Dale Earnhardt Jr. was on Watch what happens live and seems to like Vanderpump rules. Too bad about the crash at Daytona Jr.  Hooray for Michael Waltrip and his 8th place. We do not want to see U go.
*****Stay away from the Remington 700. It shoots without pulling the trigger. Of course the company does not want to admit that.
*****Tried to watch the new sitcom Powerless. I want DC to succeed in their endeavor but hmmm..??
*****CBS Doubt looked like it had a great cast so gave it a try. The stories were of the same old kind but love the supporting cast and a nice twist. It had a little Spader/Shatner thing going on.
*****The Pats won that super bowl but it didn’t start out that way. Super bowl 51 was so up and so down. Their wide receiver, Malcolm Mitchell was asked by a woman at Barnes and Noble one day to join her book club. He joined, in part, because he couldn’t read very well. He is still with the club and it has inspired him to write a children’s book and begin a literary campaign.  For the halftime entertainment at 51, Lady Gaga gave us a statement of equality that said it all.
*****Days alert: Ok.. Is Days going to be cancelled for Megyn Kelly? Say it ain’t so.. Word is coming that there will be no Days in 2018!! Oh NBC, it is about the only thing you have left that I want to watch. Get the picket signs ready. We can’t lose Days. I am still hurting from losing One Life to Live.  Jen and Eric have seen each other again and he is saving a picture of her. Let’s fix his hair and get these two together. The last days of February and finally some progress on that front. We need that Tom and Alice couple that we can rely on and stick together no matter what. She already has the house and they have the good foundation and they have come back from the brink. **And.. is Drake feeling better yet? Bring back John Black!
*****Twitter donated a mil to the ACLU.
*****I want to be in the middle of those great scenes with Tim Omundson and Deidrich Bader on American Housewife.
*****The house votes to roll back the background checks for gun owners .This includes those mentally incapable of managing their own affairs.
*****Are we all really supposed to pray for Schwarzenegger? Weren’t the ratings of that awful show low anyway?
*****A friend told me that 80% of immigrants are on welfare. Depending on where you look, it is really 40-51%. Do your research people!
*****SNL is back with new shows starting with Octavia Spencer and Scarlett Johansson.
*****The continuing madness of King Trump includes him waiting a week into the Presidency before handing the reigns of biz to his son’s. It wasn’t until he was called out by reporters that he finally did it. His supporters do not even seem to care. The sons have secret service all over the world looking after them with our tax dollars as they go about the Trump business. *** Steve Bannon openly admitted that they put people in place to deconstruct the administration.
*****Some republicans are now asking for an independent prosecutor to investigate the Russian contact and interference. Jeff Sessions should recuse himself.
*****Our state reps are chickening out with tele town halls. They feel they don’t have to face the people who elected them and can therefor go full speed ahead with their own agendas. They use the excuse that too many people are turning up so they have to take questions by phone. Funny how the softball questions from people who mostly agree with them get through. Quit being cowards and do your jobs or get out of the way.
*****Tom Perez is now DNC chair, the moderates win. I don’t agree with scary clown 45 that it was rigged but a little shake up may have been in order. Personally I love Donna Brazile. Is it time for a new party ,the resistance party? Some will never trust the Dems. Some will never trust Republicans. A new hard left party may be in order. It will struggle but eventually take hold. We need to start with brains and artisans.
*****The President will not come to the White House correspondence dinner on April 29. He says he was elected to get work done and to focus on the country, like getting busy on that wall.  Pendejo! Oh please!
*****Pandering to Wall Street, the house is working on ridding us of Dodd Frank that was put in place to help the financial crisis. Do we really want to relax those rules? They are going for a 75% reduction in regulations for companies to add more pollution, to not look out for the customers best interest etc. Shouldn’t we be worrying more about production? Will they do the right thing as they see how the rest of us live or will they continue to ignore the problems?
*****Scary clown 45 claims he did not know what he was signing when he put Bannon on the National Security council. Huh?
*****Elizabeth Warren was stopped from reading pertinent information from Coretta Scott King on the senate floor.
*****Charlie Rose underwent heart surgery and will be back in March. He has been spotted and is doing fine.
*****Looks like a new show Trial and Error is coming. The ads look ok but they are advertising the hell out of it. Wasn’t there a movie with the same name?
*****Carol Merna, executive director for the center for prevention of abuse, wrote an open letter to Illinois governor Rauner. She asked him to put partisan politics aside and get a budget for the state. Some neglect cases have had to be dropped due to lack of funds.
*****CNN is doing the history of comedy.
*****Bill Nye saves the World is coming April 21 to Netflix.
*****Chris Kennedy, 8th child of Bobby and Ethel that was born July 4th 1963, is running for Governor of Illinois.
*****Blondie brings us the ne “FUN”. They are touring with Garbage this summer.
*****Zach Braff and Carol Burnett are both returning to tv.
*****Burger King is buying Popeye’s, lord help us.
*****Iran has cancelled visas for wrestlers that were to compete in a world competition. The Muslim ban has upset so many apple carts. Church missionaries and Doctors have to rethink leaving the country to help others because they may not get back in. We are not all as stupid as they think and should respect us enough to at least quit saying this is about our safety. Why are Christians prioritized? This new administration does not agree with Obama on much so why keep talking about the 7 countries he specified? He did no bans for these countries. Hundreds of companies have coordinated to file a lawsuit against this.
*****If we don’t live globally, things will be a lot more expensive.
*****Isis is on a drone buying frenzy. They are buying drones off the shelf and doing much damage. Our commander in chief needs to get in front of this.
*****New Power Rangers coming out this month.
*****Mar-a Lago, the former home of Emily Post and E.F. Hutton was donated to the government but Nixon did not really want it. After scary clown 45 bought the Palm Beach estate there was much ado about his flag pole. He also wanted the flight patterns changed so as not to disturb his guests. With the racist white house raging on, it is hard to believe that he was once more welcoming. The old guard of Palm Beach was not too crazy at who he was bringing to Mar-a-Lago. The resort would welcome anyone who could pay the fee. Initially it was 100 thou but as soon as he became President it was doubled, being President pays. Oh yea, and the flight pattern has now been changed. ** Scary clown 45 seems to think he is under some sort of cloak of invisibility when he is there. Hillary’s e mails were a problem but he can discuss anything classified on his own cell?? Are you fucking kidding me?**And speaking of Palm Beach, the President is spending a lot of time there. Before the election he claimed he would have no time for golf and relaxing. He has spent about as much of our money on secret service and his travels in a month as Obama spent in a year. This does not even include Melania and the NY digs and the sons who travel the world for the Trump business all the time. Of course, the business is benefitting from this.
*****Kevin Brady and Orrin Hatch can make The IRS show us the Presidents taxes.
*****Nordstrum’s dropped Ivanka’s line. Marshall’s, TJ Maxx, Sears and Kmart are in agreement.
*****If you give up freedom to get security, you get neither. –Ben Franklin
*****Why are the Sunday morning political shows just repeating the same mainstream stuff all the time? Let’s follow Bill Maher and John Oliver who at least talk more about our rights that keep getting stripped away. John Oliver is putting ads on the shows that scary clown 45 watches so he can at least get some real information. Marijuana laws, transgender rights, voting rights are all under attack. The pot industry is booming, why does this administration want to start taking away U.S. jobs? The department of agriculture has removed regs about the treatment of animals. The will no longer make lab inspection results and violations publicly available. Now, you must file a request to the freedom of information act if you want to know.** John Kasich is still making sense, why couldn’t the republicans have went with a sane person? He met with the President on health care. He feels the ACA needs reform but that you can’t just pull the rug out from 20 million people. Kasich tries to do things in a calm and reasonable manner much like the left. Is it worth trying? The administration says that the opposition is acting like 5th graders.  How many times do we reach out and try to do things reasonable only to be shut down?
*****Thank you J Lo for reminding us of Toni Morrison’s words about how important artists are in times like these.
*****Thank you A tribe called Quest for yelling “Resist” and telling us to break through the wall.
*****Seattle severed ties with Wells Fargo in protest of the DAPL. ** A federal judge denied the Sioux tribes request for a halt to the pipeline. And while the CPAC was in full bloom, the protesters were dragged away.  Some moved across the river and some moved on.
*****Good news for Kim Cade: Camping can help you to sleep better by shifting internal clocks to align with daylight hours.
*****Jimmy Carter put in enough solar panels to power half of Plains. Go Jimmy Go!!!!
*****North Korea launched a ballistic missile.
***** It was something to see when Paul Ryan was asked over and over again about Flynn and the Russian situation. He was annoyed right away. Really? How does it feel? And Hillary held up for 11 hours. Who can take it and wo can’t? Pussies!
*****FLEXIT: After many denials, Mike Flynn , the man who started the ‘lock her up’ chant, was finally ousted. When will they find proof that they all knew about this? They are not even good spin kings but how do they live with themselves? And Pence calls himself a good Christian? Did he know?** Did they make a good choice with H R Mcmaster? Of course, he is active duty so he could hardly say no. He is getting a lot of support because he wrote against Johnson and the handling of Vietnam and Bush with Iraq.
*****White house flunkie Steven Miller was getting invited everywhere after he told George Stephanopoulos he would go on any show, anywhere. Colbert and the View were waiting but he never showed. LIES,LIES,LIES: GET OUT!!!!
***** Streisand men ,past and present, seem to be showing up at CBS. James Brolin has been there for a couple of seasons and Elliot Gould is on the new Doubt.
*****Catch Trevor Noah on Afraid of the Dark.
*****Glad that Nightcap is back for season 2.
*****Scary Clown 45 gave his presidential address on the last day of February. He started the day by letting us all know that the protests and problems were Obamas fault. He started to adlib about 8 pages in. A lot of attention was paid to Karen Owens, the widow of navy seal Ryan who was killed in Yemen. The VP insists that the reports of nothing being gained from the raid are false. Trump pulled back on the immigration agenda that he earlier seemed to soften on. He did mention black history month which never happens. He is still talking about repeal and replace with the ACA. He did not shut it down first day like he said on the campaign trail. He said the same stuff in this address that he has been saying, just with a slightly different tone. He sure changed his tune about the Jewish hate crimes. Former Kentucky governor Steve Beshear gave the democratic response. What?? Why the fuck did they pick a FORMER Gov.? It was a pretty middle of the road response. He gave Trump polite hell for his lashing out at military, media and the intelligent agencies. He scolded that just because they disagree does not make them their enemies. Agreed but Yawn!! The best part of the night was afterward on MSNBC. Kathy Griffin, Michael Moore and Rob Reiner put a wonderful cap on the evening. Thank you for some sanity.
*****Better Call Saul is starting to run ads for their April 10th premiere. So fucking excited!!
*****Comedy Central is bringing ‘Colossal Clusterfest” to San Francisco on June 2nd. The fest will include stand up and sketch comedy, podcasts and music. The lineup includes Jerry Seinfeld, Kevin Hart, Sarah Silverman, Hannibal Buress, Bob Odenkirk, Fred Armisen, Tig Nataro, Ice Cube, Tegan and Sara, Reggie Watts and Princess and interactive offerings with South Park, Seinfeld and It’s always Sunny in Philadelphia.
*****Finn Whitrock, Sally Field and Joe Mantello appear in Broadway’s The Glass Menagerie.
*****The Grammy awards which I have never really understood came and went again. Some of the audience looked a bit perplexed when James Corden purposely flubbed the opening. They rarely honor anyone I really respect. But Adele’s George Michael tribute , once on track was amazing. Chance the Rapper won best new artist and claimed his victory in the name of the lord. Lady Gaga sounded great with Metallica. Again there were sound issues that you would think the Grammys of all places would have worked out but… Best dressed were Lady Gaga and Audra Day. The worst was Taraji P. Henson.
*****HBO is making a documentary about Andre the Giant.
*****The Independent spirit awards were on Feb. 25th and made some great choices. Molly Shannon won best supporting female for Other People. Moonlight won best picture, best director for Barry Jenkins and the Robert Altman award. Casey Affleck (best actor) and Jenkins took their best shots at Trump.
*****Bison have been reintroduced to Canada’s first national park after 140 years.
*****The Oscars were the next day, Feb. 26th and oh what a finale they had. Most everybody knows by now that the wrong film was announced, but that was not the entire show. It was only the second time an envelope mishap happened. Sammy Davis Jr. opened the wrong envelope last time. I always wished that they would show the honorary awards as well, they look like fun. Jimmy Kimmel seemed casual about his hosting gig and never stuck the knife in too deep. The Matt Damon stuff never really gets old. Tourists were brought in and Gary from Chicago is already getting offers from just being there. He had just gotten out of prison 3 days before after a 20 year sentence. Wal Mart is giving he and his fiancé wedding gifts. ** During rehearsal a big part of the set fell down.**The Salesman from Iran won and a statement was read about the Muslim ban. A lot of people were wearing ACLU ribbons to show solidarity. The best dressed were Emma Roberts, Haylee Steinfeld, Ava Duvernay, Laura Dern, Janelle Monae, Taraji P. Henson, Mahershala Ali, Naomie Harris, the dancer with Timberlake wearing the red and black dress, Luciana Barroso, Nicole Kidman, Ryan Gosling and Meryl Streep. Honorable mention goes to Halle Barry, Viola Davis, Michelle Williams, Karlie Klass and Emma Stone. Worst dressed were Leslie Mann, Dakota Johnson, Octavia spencer, Trudie Styler and Felicity Jones and some chick in the audience with a bold blue and white striped lace fiasco. There was a story about Karl Lagerfeld saying that Meryl Streep wanting to be paid to wear a dress but nobody believes it. In the fallout after the best picture controversy, Les Moonves said he’d fire his accountant if this happened. Matt Damon said he was not at all surprised and that is what you get when you let Jimmy host.
*****You can now get Dateline’s Keith Morrison on your GPS.
*****Michael Moore has put out a 10 point plan to get rid of Trump. Most of it is common sense but good o remember:
1.       Call your senators and reps: 202-225-3121 or 202-224-3121. A call a day keeps the Trump away
2.       Visit your members of congress and both senators once a month.
3.       Create your own personal rapid response team, form a group to be ready to leap into action.
4.       Join national groups like Planned Parenthood or the ACLU.
5.       Remember the women’s march. Join in.
6.       Join the democratic party.
7.       Form ‘regions of resistance’. Pass state laws.
8.       Run for office. Everyone can run for precinct delegate.
9.       Become the media. Report the truth.
10.   Join the army of comedy. Spread the words of great comedy about scary clown 45.
*****Elvis Costello and the Imposters are touring in June.
*****George W. Bush is making the rounds with his new book, Portraits of courage. He pays tribute to the wounded warriors and at the same time raises money for vets. He also probably feels that it is safe since he is small potatoes compared to the new Prez. We can’t forget the havoc that he and Cheney brought upon us today is today.
*****Lisa Marie Presley is in the middle of a nasty custody battel. Priscilla has her twin grandchildren living with her.
*****The Prez has already cut domestic spending so he can pour millions into the military budget. We spend as much on the military as the next 7 largest military spending countries combined.
*****Spain is going to appoint a sex czar.
*****Another Sandusky, the son Jeff was arrested for sex offenses against minors.
*****Scary Clown 45 made his
*****RIP William H. Busch, Richard Hatch, Al Jarreau, Erwin Corey, George the Animal Steele, Ward Chamberlin, Clyde Stubblefield, Bill Paxton, Judge Wopner and Neil Fingleton.
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josephkitchen0 · 6 years
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What Size Generator Do I Need for My Farm, Ranch or Off-Grid Home?
When most people think of Connecticut they envision a state covered in pavement and cramped little houses stacked on top of one another, but nothing could be farther from the truth. Surprising as it may seem, the majority of New England is rural in nature, dotted with farms and homesteads averaging from five to 100+ acres per parcel. Along with the rural nature of our state comes some inconveniences, chiefly the time it takes to fix our long and complex electrical grid. That’s why I’ve had to consider what size generator do I need before a power outage occurs.
Within the last 10 years, New England has seen some brutal winter weather patterns, which is a notable shift from the otherwise expected hurricane damage we used to see on a regular basis. Losing power during a hurricane is no fun, but when the grid goes down in a major snowstorm it impairs the movement of equipment, machinery and repair personnel, which adds considerable time to outages. Albeit not the norm, Rural Nutmeggers know that spending an entire week without power can and does happen. That’s why all of my neighbors own a generator, especially us, however not all generators are created equal as we have found from experience.
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The Knee-Jerk Buying Frenzy
The best time to buy a generator is on a nice, clear sunny day with not a hint of impending adverse weather in the forecast, but that’s not how most people buy their generators since it’s not usually considered as part of their emergency essentials. During our last big power outage (that week long stretch of darkness many of us remember vividly), residents were madly waving cash at anyone who had anything resembling a generator for sale, and it looked like some manufactured doomsday to me. Creative entrepreneurs were renting U-Haul vans and commercial box trucks, driving as far as Pennsylvania and New Jersey to buy every generator they could find, just to return and sell every last one to panicked homeowners, making big profits in the process. You’d best believe people were getting fleeced on these generators, and the fleecing was only beginning.
Cheap Generator Syndrome
We all know that old saying “you get what you pay for,” but honestly, sometimes you don’t even get that. During our last power outage, these miracle generators cost an awful lot of money when every Tom, Dick and Harry homeowner was willing to drop big dollars on a generator before their pipes burst. These off-brand, off-shore built generators did not feature the usual Honda or Briggs & Stratton engines Americans are used to working on, but instead some no-name engine that you can’t get parts for without waiting three weeks for that slow boat from China to arrive. Things were so bad that local power equipment repair shops were turning away generator repair jobs because of the backlog! Was the engine itself junk? Not really, but these generators were being run way too long and way too hard for what they were. More on that in a minute.
Robbing Peter to Pay Paul
Today’s modern household is a mixture of energy-efficient devices and a few good old-fashioned energy hogs, such as our old chest freezers, clothes dryers, electric ranges and well water pumps (for those of us without city utilities). When considering the purchase of a standby generator, you need to consider your electrical needs. People who were blindly panicked buying any generator they could find, quickly figured out that their new nifty 2500 KW generator couldn’t run their house full of appliances. Folks who had purchased an under-powered generator had to pick and choose what ran and what didn’t, for instance; “Well, I can run the refrigerator and a few lights until 7 p.m., then I have to shut the fridge off so I can power the furnace so we don’t freeze tonight…” was a typical story line.
This 50KW monster is a self-contained unit that includes a diesel engine, generator and fuel tank. This is the fully automatic system my local volunteer fire department just installed. Note the radio tower just behind the unit.
What Size Generator Do I Need?
I recently had a conversation about generators with my father, a retired industrial electrician, and for your typical three-bed, two-bath American household he suggests a generator that makes no less than 10 Kilowatts (KW), or 10,000 watts of power. Seeing as your standard electric stove can take up to 8,000 KW of power to run (that’s all burners and oven operating at the same time), 10 KW would be a good minimum consideration, keeping in mind you would still need to be relatively conservative with your power consumption. If you have an all electric home with electric baseboard heaters (which take about 1500 watts to run a single 6-inch base board), consider 15 KW a minimum.
For our purposes which include an electric washer and dryer, electric stove, microwave, oil-burning furnace and a strong well pump as well as leaving us the option to run our tools or even run the welder if need be, we chose a 25 KW generator for our homestead. Having a 25 KW generator means we don’t have to pick and choose. It’s OK to do laundry, cook dinner and weld all at the same time, just as if we had grid power.
The Difference Between Two-Pole and Four-Pole Generators
Generators come in two styles; two-pole and four-pole. Generator heads typically have an outer winding of copper wire, and within that winding spins a rotor with either two magnetic poles or four magnetic poles. Two-pole generators are smaller and cheaper to produce, but they have to spin twice as fast to put out 60 cycle electricity (the standard frequency in North America) unlike the more expensive four-pole versions. What does this mean to us? It means deciding between a generator that has to scream continuously at 3600 RPM to create usable power, or a generator that only requires an engine to spin at 1800 RPM.
Let’s go back to that whole cheap generator syndrome thing for a moment. These small “inexpensive” generators have small gas engines that need to scream at a constant 3600 RPM (revolutions per minute) to give you power you can use. All the bearings in the generator are spinning at 3600 RPM too. Cheap components don’t live all that long when you run them constantly at high RPMs, but these generators are engineered to survive running for up to eight hours a day at a job site and typically do well in that capacity. What they were not designed for is constantly running for days on end, which is why they were giving up after three days of nonstop operation. It wasn’t really their fault, the homeowners were really asking too much of their cheap little generator.
Which Design Is Best For You?
When you consider what size generator do I need, if you only expect to run your generator for a few hours a day, then a less expensive two-pole generator might just fit the bill, but be sure to buy a quality one with a common, name brand engine you can get parts for easily and quickly in your area. One caveat worth mentioning; some generators use a gear box to change a lower input RPM into 3600 RPM which is fine, but remember there is a mechanical energy loss associated with the gear box that will detract from the fuel efficiency of the engine, and the high RPM will still wear harder on internal components like contact brushes and bearings.
If you fully intend to run your generator all day and all night until the power comes back on, or if you’re powering your off-grid home without solar panels and off-grid battery bank, you definitely need a four-pole generator. A four-pole generator will run quieter, eat less fuel, run cooler and generally be much less likely to break down. Any engine will run better and for much longer at 1800 RPM than at the breakneck pace of 3600 RPM. In addition, changing over to a four-pole generator opens up the option of diesel engines since 3600 RPM is close to or in some cases over “red line” or maximum safe operating RPM for most commercial diesel engines.
Engine Options
Generators come with all sorts of engine options and it’s important to consider what size generator do I need before making a purchase. In a two-pole generator, you’re usually stuck with a small gas engine similar to your lawn mower or ride-on garden tractor, but when you take the leap into four-pole generators, you have a few options. Gasoline, propane, natural gas and diesel are all common fuel choices for generators, but which to choose has a lot to do with your location, fuel availability and cost.
If you have a natural gas line or propane line running to your house already, then a generator that utilizes that fuel source makes sense, but propane and natural gas contain significantly lower BTUs (British Thermal Units, a measure of energy density when speaking of fuel) per gallon or pound, so unless you have a gas line feed, it’s not a very viable option. A local gun club in the next town over installed a new propane fed generator and found that their generator ate through a rather large stationary tank of propane in about three days, and due to the power outages and road closures the gas company couldn’t make a delivery to refuel them. Not good.
Gasoline is a good option for people who are isolated, or far from the nearest town and especially in very cold climates since gasoline tolerates the cold far better than diesel fuel. One bonus to gasoline is it’s easier to find fuel at a gas station since not all gas stations carry diesel, but are sure to carry gasoline unless they’ve sold out. If pressed, someone could siphon gasoline from a vehicle to feed the generator if gas stations are out of fuel or have no power themselves.
Diesel engines constitute the overwhelming majority of commercial standby generators, and for good reason. Diesel engines make the most of their mechanical power at low RPMs, which makes them effective and efficient when working at a constant 1800 RPM for generating power. Diesels are known for being robust, sturdy, reliable, efficient and simple, all of which are positive traits to have in a generator engine. Another inherent bonus of diesel engines are their preferred fuel of consumption; diesel. Diesel fuel is an energy dense fuel, which is partly why diesel engines are as efficient as they are. In addition, look into your local fuel tax laws since there may be more cost-effective alternatives to buying road taxed diesel fuel for your generator. Unfortunately, on the flip side of all this positivity, diesel engines are expensive, so be ready to shell out significant cash for a quality diesel backup generator.
Multi-fuel engines are common in military generators, and for those of us who like to buy military surplus equipment, this will likely be an attractive option. Multi-fuel engines are exactly what they sound like, an engine that will eat just about anything you can call fuel such as gasoline, kerosene, alcohol, diesel, biofuel, vodka, jet fuel, perfume, peanut oil, vegetable oil and a bunch of other stuff. Buying military surplus can be cost effective, but beware that these engines are extremely complicated, hard to source parts for and are not exactly efficient. They took the “jack of all trades” route in engineering these engines, and although they will run with different fuels, they won’t always run efficiently.
A PTO driven generator is a cost effective way to buy a generator if you have the tractor to spin it.
PTO-Driven Generators
For those of us who have a farm tractor with a PTO (power take off), there’s good news! Instead of buying a complete generator system, which can be expensive, we can buy just the generator head without the engine and drive it with our farm tractor. PTO-driven generators are becoming common farm equipment these days thanks to their affordable price tag. This option allowed us to buy our 25 KW generator without going broke in the process, but it does tie up the tractor while generating power. You can’t plow snow or otherwise use your tractor without disconnecting your generator, but for us, it works perfectly fine. Once we plowed our driveway, we left out John Deere to hum along at 1800 RPM for a week straight, uninterrupted, with no hiccups or problems.
Bridging The Gap
Now that you now have an answer to what size generator do I need and have a generator picked out, you need it to be connected to your home’s electrical panel unless you intend to have miles of extension cords, which I don’t recommend. This part is something you need a qualified electrician to handle since you can easily cross wires, burn your house down or God forbid, kill yourself or a power company’s employee. I know us country folk like to rely on ourselves and take a DIY approach to most things, but this is one of those times where a professional installation is the best idea.
Any professional electrician that wants to keep their license will give you two options; a manual transfer switch or an automatic transfer switch. A transfer switch does two things at once, disconnects one power source and connects another. This makes grid power and generator power mutually exclusive, meaning that you can’t be connected to both at the same time. This is done specifically to prevent you from feeding electricity back into the grid so that when a power line worker goes to fix a line that is supposedly not powered, they’re not electrocuted by the electricity you accidentally back-fed into the grid.
An automatic transfer switch is nice, but not mandatory.
If you have a generator that is compatible with an auto-start system, then an automatic transfer switch will make it all seamless. When the grid goes down, your generator will start and the transfer switch will change over to generator power without you having to get out of bed, which is a nice convenience when it’s all set up correctly. My local fire department just installed a 200 amp automatic transfer switch, which would be the correct size for a modern home electrical system, and that switch alone set them back $1700, not including installation. It’s a nice convenience, albeit an expensive one.
For the rest of us, especially those of us with PTO-driven generators, a manual transfer switch is the best option, and far more cost effective at around $300. It’s a simple box with a lever and it will safely transfer you from grid power to your generator and back again when you throw the switch either way, keeping everyone safe all the while.
In Short
Buying a standby generator for your home, farm, ranch or off-grid homestead is a great idea, especially since today’s modern homes rely on electricity to heat, cool, light, cook and pump water to make them livable. Just make sure to consider what size generator do I need to make sure everything runs efficiently and effectively in a lights out situation. As one who likes to not be reliant on the grid, but instead self-reliant as much as is practical, having a generator for those rare occasions just makes sense to me. A quality diesel, four-pole generator system or a PTO driven generator in your choice of KW rating will eventually prove its value, so if you have a mind to, invest in one now before the storm.
Have you considered what size generator do I need for my small farm or homestead? What’s your advice for making sure you have power even when the power grid is down? Let us know in the comments below.
What Size Generator Do I Need for My Farm, Ranch or Off-Grid Home? was originally posted by All About Chickens
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5 Common Things Hollywood Does That Instantly Kills A Story
Usually, the factors that pull you out of your focus on a movie or TV show are external. Someone forgets to silence their cellphone, or your mom asks you a question about the plot, or your date from OKCupid decides that a matinee showing of Dunkirk is the perfect time to start getting handsy. That kind of thing. But sometimes it isn’t the fault of the unforgiving world around you. Sometimes movies and shows do the job themselves and awkwardly tear you from your haze, placing you in the uncomfortable territory of “Oh damn. I am watching something, and am terrifyingly aware of that.” How do movies stealthily slit the throat of their own escapism? Well, they do things like …
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Pausing For The Cameo Of A Big Star
Despite the fact that modern TV is full of quality entertainment that would make movies break out in frustrated, jealous tears, it still operates on the archaic system of “Movies are where important things go, and TV is where you watch inconsequential drivel that serves as a placeholder for actual enjoyment.” Don’t believe me? Look at how shows treat guest stars who are mostly known from movies or other mediums. They are in awe of them. The camera lingers on them, telling you that while the regular cast is nice and all, you should now place your undivided attention on the god king who has just entered the room.
I’m always down for a good lingering camera if the context is right. Jeff Goldblum is returning for Jurassic World 2, and I will be deeply disappointed if his introduction shot stays at Beautiful Jeff Goldblum Face Level for anything less than 20 uninterrupted minutes. The same goes for when a character has seemingly died but then comes back triumphantly. When Lex Luthor showed up in the last episode of Smallville to remind viewers that Superman’s future would not lack bald megalomaniacs, the camera seems to be more thrilled about this than anyone. And it probably was, honestly. Being a living, breathing Smallville fan was not, how should I put this, a “fulfilling” experience.
But the pause that might as well double as a “Clap Now” sign reeks of desperation, and rips away any chance to view what you’re watching as smooth, organic fiction. I don’t demand absolute reality from things. There is NO ONE in the world worse than someone who can’t put their malfunction behind them for two fucking seconds and just HAS TO remind you that no, Batman couldn’t do that in real life. Those people are fun traitors. But when the camera stops to gaze at the bigger star who is encroaching on the lives of the peons who normally inhabit the show, it’s not just stopping the flow of the episode dead; it’s reminding you that Hollywood has a definite hierarchy. A being of shining light and multiple movie deals has deemed this cast of characters worth their time, and we should feel blessed on their behalf.
Even worse is that usually, these guest stars are pretty damn talented. When Steve Carell left The Office, the employees spent a few episodes trying to find a replacement for him. This led to a parade of guest stars like Will Ferrell, Will Arnett, and Jim Carrey, and you’d think that comedy powerhouses like these, when supplied with jokes on one of the best-written sitcoms of the 2000s, would provide an avalanche of humor. Homes destroyed and families torn apart from the sheer magnitude of the fucking comedy. But no, they just kind of shuffled through the show as the camera jammed itself into their pores, as if to scream “ISN’T IT COOL THAT WE GOT WILL GODDAMN ARNETT TO BE ON THE OFFICE? ROUND OF APPLAUSE FOR WILL ARNETT FOR LOWERING HIMSELF ENOUGH TO BE HERE.”
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The Biggest Name Is Usually The Killer
Dramatic shows that have any number of “good guys” require guest stars to keep going. Unless the creators of Law & Order want every plot to be “Ice T was the killer all along, but we forgave him, because aww, just look at him,” they need new talent to fill out the ranks of serial killers, pedophiles, and bartenders who just might have seen someone who looks like that. But this necessity has created a painfully obvious trend: Whenever a big name shows up in a series, they’re going to be doing big-name stuff. And apparently, big-name stuff always involves ruining the surprise.
I’ve talked about Dexter in a few columns because, really, I’m still coming to terms with it. You devote eight years of your life to a show, and then it ends with the plot equivalent of a drunk pissing on your head from a third-story balcony. So you begin to think really hard about whether it was ever that good. And I’ve come to this conclusion: Yeah, it had some really great parts, but man, it had the worst “I wonder what THIS guest star will do?” poker face in the industry.
The first two seasons of Dexter tell a perfectly contained story. And then in Season 3, Jimmy Smits swaggers in with a kind of “I’d like to get a beer with that guy” charisma that only Jimmy Smits really has. But then Jimmy Smits turns into EVIL Jimmy Smits, and Dexter has to kill him. Then John Lithgow shows up in Season 4, and while he’s great, the pattern is being established. By the time Colin Hanks burst into Season 6 with a plotline so terrible that it served as a Dexter Is Not Going To Get Good Again trumpet of the cancellation apocalypse, the standard had been set: If a new dude shows up on Dexter, that dude is almost 100 percent going to end up as Dexter’s table dressing.
Obviously, if an established actor shows up on a prestige TV drama, they’re going to be given a role with some meat to it. When William Hurt or whoever inevitably shows up on the fifth season of Westworld, they’re not going to be given the role of Blowjob Robot Bartender #4. They’re going to get Maniacal Douche Who Was Super Integral To The Creation Of Westworld Who We Never Really Discussed Before. And them basically spelling out what’s going to happen in the rest of the season or episode doesn’t stop them from giving a knockout performance. It just momentarily stops us from getting lost in the show.
It’s also admitting that we’ve kind of pigeonholed what we think makes for good, guest-star-worthy roles. Someone with any kind of positive qualities? Pssssh. Demented Man Child That Makes Tiny Doll Furniture Out Of His Victim’s Toenails? You can basically smell the Emmys on that one.
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Being Waaaaay Too Self-Aware
Having a sense of self-awareness can be helpful. It’s what prevents you from deciding that your show about six friends who live in New York City is a fresh idea, and it gives you a moment of hesitation when you think “A guy named Harry meets a girl named Sally. HOW HAS NO ONE COME UP WITH THAT?!?”
Even adding a little self-awareness to your story isn’t so bad if you do it in nice doses. The reason The Cabin In The Woods works so well is that it comments on horror film tropes, but doesn’t rely on that to be effective. Compare that to something like Scream 4, where hoping that you get the reference is all that that movie has going for it. The first two Scream films are neat little venture into the nature of horror movies and their sequels, but by the time Scream 4 rolled around, the series had looped back through its own butthole and out of its mouth again in order to prove that it was still relevant. And it wouldn’t have had to do that if it had done the basic job of a movie, instead of relying on blistering self-awareness.
Community at its best was a show with so, so much heart. The love that the writers had for the characters bleeds through, and it’s a passion project carefully disguised as a typical prime-time sitcom. And in its early seasons, the series pulled off self-awareness pretty effortlessly. And maybe it’s due to the fact that Community began to lose core cast members starting in the fifth season, and the last half of the show was plagued with a shuffling creative team, but the self-awareness which had initially set it apart from regular shows became a crutch. The emotional stakes were lost, and in their place were constant comments about the nature of TV, which is like hearing your cheeseburger explain its own ingredients while you try to eat it.
Even vague self-awareness can be jarring if it comes out of nowhere. Kingsman: The Secret Service is a fantastic movie when it’s not talking about the spy movies that it’s borderline-parodying. If that scene in which Colin Firth was taking out the church full of bigots was still going to this day, I’d be okay with it. And don’t act like there isn’t a version of “Freebird” that is three years long. I know there is.
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But slapped in the middle of the movie is a conversation between Firth and Samuel L. Jackson about the nature of spy flicks, as if they’re assuming that the audiences that have not yet seen the movie are already a little “out of the know” about what it’s trying to do. Come on, movie. Give us some credit.
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Music That Defies The Laws Of The Universe
Movie soundtracks can do two very different things. They can heighten an experience, pulling you into the film in the way that a music-less scene could never do. They get your blood pumping without you even knowing, and pretty soon you’re first-pumping by yourself in the theater and screaming that you’ll be forever young at the top of your lungs. Hey, you’re doing it too, not necessarily just me. But a soundtrack can also drop you on your head, revealing that the movie that you’re watching is just a big marketing ploy by people who have figured that since you like Iron Man AND Ed Sheeran, putting both in the same movie at the same time will result in a dump truck full of dollar bills and hookers showing up to their houses.
How does it drop you from your cradle? Well, for one, it can bend the laws of time and space, forcing you to question why anyone would make a movie this way. Take the movie Hitch, for example, wherein Will Smith teaches dudes to talk to women, and teaches YOU to be more careful about picking out which Will Smith movies you go see. He teaches Kevin James how to dance in one scene, but starts his lesson by shutting off the music that’s playing at a party in the future? Future humans were dancing to that song, Will. Don’t cut a hole in the continuum of time when a motherfucker is trying to get down.
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Will then puts on the song “Yeah!”, which you might remember from it being more popular than oxygen in the mid 2000s. And then Kevin James dances to “Yeah!” both at Will’s house and at this future party. My problem doesn’t lie with the song “Yeah!” showing up at two different places at two different times, because, again, I’ve heard “Yeah!” more than I’ve heard the Pledge of Allegiance, the National Anthem, and “I love you” combined. It’s just that this scene is edited in a way that makes you realize A) Hitch is a wizard, and B) this movie is a shallow attempt at getting us to like the song “Yeah!” more.
And sometimes a movie will feature a song that’s performed by an actor in that movie. Like how Texas Chainsaw 3D plays the song “2 Reasons,” and one of the characters listening to it and enjoying it is Trey Songz, the guy who sang “2 Reasons.” That’s not a slight wink and a nudge, filmmakers. That’s a big invisible hand coming out of the screen to jar you out of whatever good things you might be feeling and reminding you to go download “2 Reasons,” because the actor who fucking made “2 Reasons” in real life seems to really be enjoying “2 Reasons” in this completely fake life. If you want to give the audience a cue to simultaneously begin ignoring the movie and start playing around on their phones for a little bit, this one is as good as any.
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“Event” Episodes Where No One Is Happy To Be There
Earlier, I mentioned guest actors, and spoke pretty harshly of them. My apologies, guest actors. To make it up to you, the rest of this column will be written by John Stamos, and he will be playing the role of me. I make these amends because guest actors aren’t the worst things to take you out of TV shows. That honor goes to “event” episodes in which non-actors are given roles, and we’re supposed to be cool with it. “Suck it up,” your television says, “If it wasn’t for me, you’d be playing charades with people you pretend to like.”
The “events” I’m referring to are usually one of two things: musicians coming into town or pro wrestling events. And they’re so awkwardly crammed into the plots that you can’t help but feel your joy be driven from your body like a screeching ghost while you watch. Nothing says “No one wants to be here, especially the people on your screen” like a sitcom episode that features a rock star or a professional wrestler. For example, watch this clip of the time the band Anthrax showed up on Married With Children. But only do it if you want to see a dozen people lose their enthusiasm for the arts allllll at once.
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If you watched that and found your sense of happiness to still be alive and breathing, watch Stevie Wonder’s appearance on The Cosby Show, the kind of thing that only happens when the Devil is handling God’s day shift. And if you still have any delusions about the positive power of fiction, dash them by staring into the abyss of any pro wrestler cameo on any sitcom ever — cameos that are usually announced by characters who are suddenly into wrasslin’. This, as a wrasslin’ fan, is absurd from the ground up. You don’t just suddenly declare that there’s a wrestling show near you and that you’re into wrestling. You are into wrestling, and your family and friends spend their whole lives wishing that you’d shut the fuck up about it.
These episodes usually involve either a member of the cast and their stunt doubles clumsily recreating what a sitcom director thinks wrestling is like (like in Fuller House or The X-Files), or finding a way to work the fact that most wrestlers are seven feet wide into the plot (like in Boy Meets World or Smallville). Admittedly, the wrestlers usually seem like they’re having a better time on the shows than musicians do. But nothing clips the wings of your flight into TV wonderland faster than the harsh introduction of pro wrestling logic into an otherwise normal show. “These five friends are on a mission to find success and love in the big city, and over the years, you will fall in love with their wit and their willingness to find pleasure in the small things in life. Oh, and meet their new landlord, Big Van Vader, who is roughly the size of a Woolly Mammoth.”
Daniel is listening to “Yeah!”, as it’s the only thing that drowns out the loneliness. He is a brittle husk of a man on Twitter.
It sucks that your friends are always ruining movies for you, but you won’t need friends anymore after you get the Amazon Fire stick with Alexa voice remote.
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